"Pride is generally censured and decried, but mainly by those who have nothing to be proud of." --- Arthur Schopenhauer
I BEG YOUR PARDON. I?M NOT THAT KIND OF GEEK.
Harry Potter holds the number one spot and much as been made about its epic take, but without pointing out that it opened in more theaters than any other movie in history. Also, take into account what is most likely a $200M cost (a $100M+ budget, and prints and advertising) and you?ve got a film that needs to make $600M to turn a real profit. Remember: Armageddon cost $100M and didn?t turn a profit until it hit video and that was with a worldwide total of $600M. This essentially has to be Titanic for Warner Brothers. And they?ve already started a sequel. Sigh. I?ll never see it. Ever. I have no freaking interest in any of this crap. I?m already a science fiction/comic book geek. This is where I draw my line in the sand. Hell, the Lord of Rings barely holds my interest and it at least has some violence. This is kid?s stuff.
ALL HAIL THE BOY GEEK!
Monsters Inc., holds at number two and I?m destroying myself from the inside out buying McDonald?s Happy Meals, trying to get the little one-eyed green guy. Last week I actually ate chicken McNuggets for the first time in no less than ten years. They haven?t gotten any better over time. And I don?t know about you, but I didn?t need Entertainment Weekly to tell me the Yeti in this movie was based on the Abominable Snowman from Rudolph The Rednosed Reindeer (which was on this weekend). I knew immediately! Even as a boy, I was king of the geeks. Well, more like a prince.
BLONDE LEADING THE BLONDE II: THE MEN
Spy Game opens at number three and I despise director Tony Scott the way I despise few directors, but this, thankfully, has few touches of those damn filters he so loves, which make the top of the screen blue-green and the bottom burnt-orange. It?s an enjoyable enough "pseudo-realistic" spy flick, which is saying a lot, because they are on my list of movies I really don?t care for. Give me girls, gadgets and tuxedos any day. It?s a battle of blondes with bad skin, though I seem to be the only one willing to bring up Brad Pitt?s pizza face (Cameron Diaz too). Actually, I like Brad Pitt as an actor, but he really, really needs to pick his films better. There?s someone he needs to either start or stop listening to. Supposedly, Redford tried giving Pitt "when I was your age.." advice and Pitt laughed at him behind his back. Well, by the time Redford was Pitt?s age, he?d made Butch Cassidy & The Sundance Kid, The Sting and The Candidate (not to mention The Way We Were, Jeremiah Johnson and Barefoot In The Park but who the hell cares?), so he may actually know a little more than you, punk.
MERCIFULLY UNTOUCHED BY THE RAVAGES OF LOOKS, TALENT?
Black Knight opens at number four and will someone please explain to me the appeal of Martin Lawrence? He?s ugly, unfunny, stupid and obviously suffers from some sort of mental disorder. Sending a wiseass back to the 14th century may have seemed good in the initial pitch meeting, but it doesn?t look like they went anything beyond that. I will never see this, the same way I will never see any other film Martin Lawrence has starred in. Even though I own Bad Boys on DVD, I skip to the action scenes and skip everything else (well, everything but the sight of Tea Leoni?s toned thighs).
AUDITIONS FOR SMALL PENIS MAN IN ROOM ELEVEN
Shallow Hal is down to number five and who drew the horrible duty of casting the "ugly girls" for this movie? You think the Farrelly Brothers had the balls to do it themselves? And what was that set like, because you know they models playing the girls that Hal sees were right there next to the beasts that played the actual women. What could that have been like? And as an actor, what does that do to your self-esteem? "I played Butt-Ugly Girl #1." And the consummate irony is, Jack Black is such an ugly fat bastard himself, that he had to lose weight on his doctor?s orders. Also, there was actually a 300 pound woman doubling for Gwyneth Paltrow in the fat suit. Notice how there no pictures of her and Gwyneth together. If there?s a hell, everyone who ever defended this movie will be in it---all forced to watch every Farrelly Brother?s movie EXCEPT There?s Something About Mary, for all eternity.
HEY, WHERE?S DAVID NAUGHTON?
Out Cold opens at number six and I have to say I like that one gag where they pretend the car is spinning out of control in the commercials. But that?s not enough to get me into seeing what is essentially Hot Dog 2001. Do ski movies actually wind up making enough money to keep justifying their production? They must, because they keep coming.
NEEDLESS TO SAY, THERE?LL BE NO DOMESTIC DISTURBANCE II
Domestic Disturbance is down to number seven and how desperately does Teri Polo now need that Meet The Parents sequel? Don?t hold your breath since DeNiro has to make the Analyze This sequel first. Yeah, there?s a movie that lent itself to a sequel.
THE REST
The Heist is down to number eight, followed by The One at nine and Life As A House at number ten.
WOODY ALLEN CHOSE TALENT, HE CHOSE LOOKS
Not breaking the top ten is Sidewalks of New York, which shocked me by actually being enjoyable. Remember: I expected nothing, as writer/director Ed Burns has proven himself to be one of those guys with "potential" and not much else. The Brothers McMullen has proven painful upon repeated viewings (given how cranky that damn Irish flute music makes me, I think we?ve found the true cause of violence in Ireland), She?s The One was painfully bad, and not even Burns himself liked No Looking Back. This is an unapologetic rip-off Woody Allen?s Husbands & Wives, using the documentary cinema verite approach (not to mention the absence of minorities). This always works because it gives the impression of technical skill, but what it really does is hide the fact that you don?t have any. The film is what we call "character driven" which means it has no plot, just the interaction of people to propel the plot. Normally, I find this intolerable (here?s the list so far: 1) heist movies, 2) horror movies 3) realistic spy movies, 4) character driven movies?we?ll add more later), but there are enough jokes to keep this flowing. At one point in the film, Ed Burns delivers an impassioned speech about how the outer borough folks are the "real New Yorkers" as opposed to the Manhattan folk. Yeah, that?s why you bought JFK Jr.?s old place in Tribeca, because you so love the company of the Great Unwashed that so compose the B&T crowd.
A.K.A, THE HYGENIST ALWAYS RINGS TWICE
Also not in the top ten is Novocaine, hopefully the world?s last film noir dentist comedy. Had I known this was your typical film noir with a dentist in the patsy role, as opposed to the usual lawyer or insurance agent, I probably wouldn?t have gone. I have an intolerance of film noir (that?s number 5) because it depends on someone consistently making stupid decisions in the name of pussy. Granted, such a state of mind is not beyond me, but never in way that could get me 15-20 upstate (just $40-50 for dinner). Also, this movie is sadly routine. A strange sexy woman shows up in Steve Martin?s office at the same time his no-good brother returns to town. Gee, think they?re connected? Sigh. It?s even told in voice over. The only bright spot is Kevin Bacon as an actor hanging with the police as research for a film. Like me, he also thought this was a comedy.
MARIONETTES OF MANHOOD JUST DIDN?T SOUND RIGHT
So, the long standing Blight Of My Life (a.k.a., My Arizona Problem, No Oral Sex Woman and a list of other not so flattering designations I?ve given her for almost 20 years) came to stay with me week and insisted on seeing Puppetry of the Penis (that's where that picture comes from). For those of you who don?t know, this is an off-Broadway show that started in Australia and has succeeded in every English speaking country since then. What?s it about? Well, about an hour and a half of dick tricks. I kid you not. For an hour and a half two naked men twist their dicks into different shapes to make you laugh. No more, no less. It?s also projected onto a large screen behind them, so you don?t miss a trick (or a pubic hair). It?s more odd than genuinely funny. Having a penis and having been four years old, I?ve been through all this already, but never thought of charging people $40 a head to watch. If anything, your mom usually tells you not to do that in front of people. BOML loved it, but this is what getting a Ph.D. does to you (that?s right, she?s Dr. Blight Of My Life to you).
UNFORTUNATELY YOU CAN?T WATCH A CD
I could only watch for five minutes at time, but I did manage to catch at least the costume changes of Britney Spears in Concert on HBO. It was an impressive-looking show, I?ll say that. Yeah, so she didn?t sing, but that?s not what you?re there for. You want singing? Go to the opera. This was all about spectacle, though I?m still trying to figure out why Jon Voight was there. As always, Britney?s amazing bumping and grinding made me feel dirty and old, but I?m getting used to it. And while I don?t believe that "Slave 4 U" is a song about anal sex, so what if it is? When was the last time we had a good anal sex song? Last I remember was Grace Jones singing "pull up to my bumper, baby/and drive it in between?" And that was over twenty years ago.
THE ONLY OTHER GOOD THING TO COME OUT OF ALABAMA BESIDES ME
Now, real singing I saw at fellow Alabamian Shelby Lynne?s show at The Supper Club. She was great. Though only about five feet tall and hundred pounds soaking wet, she pumped out a real show that was dependent solely upon the music. My only problem was the people. Aside from the general lack of respect paid to the opening act (Jeffery Gaines), in front of me were a group of lesbians, none of whom were less than 5?10" (the two short ones left to have sex before Shelby came on) and behind me were a group of Princesses of the Jewish American persuasion who couldn?t shut the fuck up. What was really sad was how the two married ones were so condescending to their single friend, who felt the need to play the "wild, outgoing" one. Sigh. The new album isn?t as good as the one that got her the Grammy for Best New Artist (13 years into her career), but I blame the evil Glen Ballard for that. One weird thing is that she covers John Lennon?s "Mother" and sings a tender song about her dad. Bear in mind, her father murdered her mother and then killed himself in front of her and her sister. There but for the grace of musical talent (her sister sings as well), they aren?t both porn stars right now.
I BLAME FRIENDS FOR THIS
While I really like those new NYC ads with celebrities, I have to ask: um, aren?t there minorities here? Not one single fucking ad had anyone of color! Now, this type of bitching is not my thing, but do they think that showing the real New York City is going to keep people away!?! I can just hear it, "Yeah, I can handle terrorist attacks and anthrax, but Puerto Ricans!?! No way!"
CAN?T A MAN APPRECIATE WOMAN?S FOOTWEAR WITHOUT PEOPLE JUMPING TO CONCLUSIONS?
Maybe I should just stop going to Bath & Bodyworks. I just can?t help but think that, on the same day I buy a new lotion (Honeyed Almond?I?m trying to give the citrus scents a break) I not only get a gay men?s Christmas catalogue in the male (though I do like that NYPD jockstrap), but I get hit on by ugly middle-aged gay man in the grocery store. It can?t just be a coincidence. What bothers me the most is how unattractive he was. What does that say about me!?! I gotta get back to the gym. And then he got creepy, by following me out and into a nearby magazine store. Great, now in addition to the city?s other terrors I?m being stalked by ugly people.
LESSER LIGHTS
Minor celeb sightings while walking the city with Blight Of My Life, but with one big payoff. Nancy Allen on 9th Avenue, with her Prada backpack; Ming-Na Wen looking very much the movie star with her shades and fur-lined coat in the back of a cab on 8th Avenue; indie film character actor, Richard Edson (best known as the guy who takes the Ferrari for a joy ride in Ferris Bueller?s Day Off) on 34th & 6th; Craig Beirko on 45th before his show; Sebastian Bach on 49th & 8th signing autographs and looking like absolute hell; and finally, the white whale herself, Monica Lewinsky on West Broadway in SoHo. Blight Of My Life was beside herself with joy and wanted to stalk her for the rest of the day, but I refused. She?s shorter and fatter than you would think, which made me shudder at the thought of her in a thong. Bill Clinton has no taste. He deserved to be impeached over this.
IF YOUR JOHN IS GOOD LOOKING, ARE YOU STILL A WHORE?
Speaking of indie actors, Chris Eigeman appeared on Malcom in the Middle last week, making my night. For those of you who don?t know, Chris Eigeman has specialized in playing quick-witted misanthropes in the films of Whit Stillman (Metroplitan, Barcelona, Last Days of Disco) and Noah Baumbach (Mr. Jealousy, Kicking & Screaming). Much like, Martin Donavan in the Hal Hartley films, he presents me with an idealized version of myself. I?m glad to see he?s found work, though in a less whore-like way than say, Lili Taylor on that dumb show with Oliver Platt last year.
I STILL SAY CHICKS AIN?T FUNNY (USUALLY)
Finally, after a season of coasting, Will & Grace seems to back on track (and sliding in more dirty jokes than any other show on TV). I can?t help but credit some of this to seeing that Laura Kightlinger is now part of the writing staff. I don?t expect you to know her name. She?s a stand-up comedian whose humor is a little too dark, dry and edgy for the average moron (that means you people). After all, it?s not every woman who openly jokes about anal sex. I can?t believe she spends her nights under the bulk that is Jack Black. There is no justice in the world. What?s an ugly fat guy doing with a smart, funny, attractive woman? Like most smart, funny women, she probably has a poor self-image, hence the sucking of fat boy?s dick.
NOW INTERNET ACCESS IS A CHOICE BETWEEN TWO DEVILS
So, the third worst geek thing possible happened to me: my computer died (number one is your comic books burning up and number two is having all your porn magnetically wiped clean). Know what killed it? Netscape 6.2. DO NOT USE THIS BROWSER! IT IS EVIL. IT IS SO EVIL, I CAN?T BELIEVE BILL GATES DIDN?T CREATE IT. This browser so fucked up my system, I had to re-initialize it, which means the entire 6 gig hard drive was wiped fucking clean! I lost everything! Thankfully, I did a back up a few months back and was able to restore a lot of it, but at least two hundred downloaded songs are gone, not to mention a 30-page erotic short story on how Cindy Crawford took my virginity in 1984. Hey, it coulda happened! You don?t know! ("Cindy slid her mole along my throbbing hardness?.") What really made this hurt was that Blight Of My Life was watching the entire fourth season of Sex & The City a few nights before, which included the episode where her computer dies and she gets shit for not backing up regularly. I thought for a moment about doing just that, right then, but then I fell asleep. The god of Irony was obviously watching and thought this would be funny.
FIVE HEROES CREATED FROM THE COSMIC LEGENDS OF THE UNIVERSE?
Okay, so Justice League premiered on the Cartoon Network. It?s decent. The animation isn?t nearly as good as the Batman, Superman and Batman Beyond series that came before it and political correctness that inflicted the lamest Green Lantern on us (the Black one, who?s be re-created here as Wesley Snipes with a power ring) and Hawkgirl (Jesus, don?t get me fucking started) continues to annoy me, but it wasn?t so bad. One big problem I did have with the whole invasion story of the first episode is that the Justice League was essentially killing the aliens at the end. Um, SUPERMAN DOES NOT KILL! And neither do the rest of them. Well, most of them. Still, it?s a grievous error. But I must admit, I got serious geek wood when the character of Kanjar Ro popped up in the second episode, as well the Green Lantern Corps and the Manhunters. It?s serious, serious comic book geek stuff. You wouldn?t understand.
NOT GETTING BETTER OR WISER; JUST OLDER AND MORE RECLUSIVE
Okay, so I suffered through another birthday over the last month (never you mind when) and I am now officially middle-aged. I am no longer in the young adult demographic, which is 18-34. Still, I?m taking it better than I did my 33rd (the odious Jesus Year), where I wound up naked and fetal and severing half a dozen friendships in a sudden aging panic. I?m a lot better now. I now accept my decay and eventual death. Nonetheless, I felt the need to give myself a gift and after deciding that a good digital camera was not in the budget, more DVD?s were added to the collection, bringing us to 224 (not counting the porn). One of these was the special edition of Star Trek The Motion Picture, which is now supposedly the way director Robert Wise intended. Guess what? It?s still as boring as hell. I also bought Battle of the Planets, a cherished animated show from my youth. I?ll probably never watch it fully, but just to have it was enough. Hey, it was my birthday. I?m allowed.
DOES THIS MAKE HIM MY ACTUAL "COUSIN IT"?
After receiving no invitations from friends this year, I had no choice but to spend Thanksgiving in Yonkers with my family here (but only because my sister, who now lives here, bagged on me and went home). It was low key, but only because it really wasn?t my family so much as the family of the man my cousin married. This meant a limited amount of truly strange family behavior. My highlight was playing with my two-year old cousin (whose existence was unknown to me until I met him). His hair hasn?t been cut since he was born, so I?d say it occupies at least one half his total body mass. He was essentially a walking Afro.
TANQUERAY PRESENTS, WILD KINGDOM
I?m a big fan of socio-biology, which suggests that our social patterns are based as much on genetics and evolution as anything else. This also means that you can find correlation between the behavior of animals and people. One scientist actually compared the behavior of people in bars to mating monkeys. I got a taste of this recently while out. Once the alcohol started to flow, the rutting began in earnest. It was so bad, I kept waiting for someone to lift a leg and start spraying a scent. As it was, I managed to find myself as part of some sort of male competition for a single female. Well, not really, since she was just a friend, but the other two didn?t know that and did their best little peacock display for her (they left alone). It was like the fucking Discovery Channel. I looked outside our own group and saw other examples of primitive mating behavior going on all around me. There was even a blatant attempt of "cock-blocking" towards me. Never having been "cock blocked" I was more than a little surprised (also, being Black, we don?t use the word "cock"---it?s a dick). Then again, can straight men "cock block" one another?
11/12/01
"There?s no such thing as enough dick in a lifetime." --- The retort by one of my friends when I told her that maybe she?d seen enough dick in her lifetime and shouldn?t force me to see Puppetry of the Penis next week.
EEBBE, AHHOO, BEENOOO, NO!
Monsters Inc., holds at number one and one of the highlights of this film is the little girl, known only as Boo. She was voiced by the actual 2-year-old daughter of a Pixar employee, so that?s authentic child gibberish you?re hearing---and it?s freaking adorable. This is the kind of thing that tends to reactivate my own babyfever, which I?ve been struggling with since I turned 30. Thankfully, I walk by a high school every day on the way to work and if those scary muthafuckas don?t put your urge to breed in check, nothing will. Kids are great up until puberty, then it?s time for boarding or military school. It?s not that daddy doesn?t love you, kids, but you should go and rebel against someone paid and trained to deal with rebellion---and ultimately to hammer it out of you. See you at Christmas break!
DOES THIS MEAN SANTA CLAUS WOULD LOOK LIKE SEAN CONNERY?
Shallow Hal opens at number two and this isn?t nearly as offensive as you might think and that?s part of the problem. If you?re going to make fun of fat people---and don?t believe the Farelly Brothers? bullshit that it isn?t---then make fun of fat people. Don?t give me this shit about inner fucking beauty. It really doesn?t fit when one of your main characters is breaking chairs with her ass (this happens more than once and isn?t really funny any time). As you probably know, the plot is a shallow guy has his perception changed so that he can only see the inner soul of people, which in this case means he sees ugly girls as their beautiful inner-selves. Nice in theory, lousy in application, because exterior flaws doesn?t automatically mean inner beauty. For example: Richard Nixon. Fucking ugly inside and out. And I?ve met more than one nasty, fat bastard in my life, and let?s not get started on my geek ass (actually, geeks are the worst because they all think they?re good inside---I have no such illusions) Also, this should apply to Hal?s entire life. In that case, why do his friends all look the same to him? His nice friends should be beautiful now and his even more shallow best friend (played by Jason Alexander) should be hideous. That would have been a much more interesting movie. I know some people have a problem with "inner beauty" being defined in this movie as tall and skinny, but they overlook that it?s the particular character of Hal who does so. How another person defines beauty may be different, but there?s never an opportunity to see this in action (also, this would have made for a funnier movie). And what?s up with that "altered" version of Gwyneth Paltrow in the poster? Now, granted, she?s got a little more in back (a swing on that back porch, junk in the trunk, a place to park your bike and sit your drink?you know, an ass) than you?d think a tall, skinny white girl might, but not that much.
BON JOUR, MY NAME EES JEAN-PAUL AND I?M FROM DETROIT.
The One is now three and what the hell happened to Carl Gugino? She?s lost about a thousand pounds and she was never that big to begin with. She?s now got that "big head, skinny neck" thing that people get when they lose too much weight (see: Lara Flynn Boyle). Points go to this movie for actually acknowledging that this is an interracial couple instead of pretending they?re normal (yeah, I said it). At one point, they actually exchange dialogue in Chinese. I know it doesn?t seem like much, but how many times in Arnold?s career has his thick Austrian accent ever acknowledged? Or, going back to Cary Grant?s cockney accent being totally overlooked in all his movies, especially when he was playing a freaking American.
THE EASY WIN
Domestic Disturbance is down to number four and it was during the filming of this movie that Vince Vaughn and Steve Buscemi got into that bar fight where Buscemi got stabbed in the neck and head by some redneck who was upset that his girlfriend wanted Vince Vaughn. Notice how Buscemi got stabbed and Vaughn didn?t. See, Vaughn is 6?3", so even though it was him the redneck was pissed at, he went for small guy and probably had his buddies try to take Vaughn down.
HEY, WHERE?S WILLIAM H. MACY?
Opening at number five is Heist, the latest from David Mamet. Mamet is an admitted fan of the con man genre and this is a logical extension of that, but we all know how I feel about heist movies. I don?t give a shit. I don?t care who?s in them, they are all the same. Plan the heist, execute the heist, turn on each other if the heist goes well, or all hell breaks loose if the heist goes bad. There?s really nothing more to be done with this. And I?ve never been a fan of Mamet?s wordplay. I prefer Dr. Suess any day. Hey, that rhymes!
BELLVUE: PEOPLE OFTEN CONFUSE US WITH THE PLAZA
K-Pax is down to number six and this takes place primarily in a nuthouse in NYC, but is the cleanest, nicest nuthouse you?ve ever seen. No one is violent, no one is covered in their own excrement and no one is being brutalized or raped by the guards. They?re all nice, lovable kooks that Kevin Spacey begins to heal during his stay there. Awwwww.
FOUR WEDDINGS & A FUNERAL, PT. II?
13 Ghosts is down to number seven, followed by Life As A House, entering the top ten at the first time at number eight, and will Kristin Scott Thomas ever make a movie I really want to see again? Even though she?s totally naked in The English Patient, I despise that movie too much to even have it in my house.
THE REST
Riding in Cars With Boys is down to number nine, followed by Training Day at number ten.
HEIR NUMBER #12897---AND THAT?S IN THIS YEAR ALONE
Waking Life left a bad taste in my mouth, so don?t look for any art films here any time soon, least of all that French film, Amelie, with the latest would-be heir to Audrey Hepburn?s throne. It?s two hours long. A two hour long "whimsical" French film. I don?t think so.
IF YOU LIKE THIS MOVIE, THEN I LIKE YOU
I tried to be good, but the lack of films worth seeing forced my hand: I bought yet another DVD (bringing the total to 212---not counting the porn). But it was an important one. Choose Me, written and directed by Alan Rudolph, who has never been this good before or since---and I know, since I?ve been compelled to see all his films since then, hoping he would. It?s probably one of the most romantic movies you?ll ever see, but not in that crappy When Harry Met Sally way. More in the weird, odd, frustrating way of real life, where there?s no rhyme or reason. There?s no plot per se, just a bunch of unusual people interacting in the name of love, most of whom are played Rudolph?s regulars (Lesley Anne Warren, Keith Carradine, Genevieve Bujold) It opens with people on the street dancing to the Teddy Pendergrass theme song ("You?re My Choice Tonight"). No, it?s not a musical and there are no other dance numbers, though there are more songs from Teddy (sadly, it has no soundtrack, but many of the songs can be found on his album, Love Language). It?s also very, very red (and you don?t need Freud to tell you what that means), there are constantly people kissing in the background and people are constantly smoking, which is disgusting in real life, but very sexy onscreen. It also has one of my favorite actors, Patrick Bauchau, delivering one of my favorite lines, "First he sleeps with my wife---okay, I understand; I?m French..." I fucking love this movie.
SUPER PAIN
Okay, I know it?s crazy to do this to myself, but I watch Smallville every fucking week and every fucking week it makes me angry. The Lana Lang as a brunette aspect still bothers me, but not as much as the need to constantly make Superman and comic book reference jokes. Who are these fucking jokes for? But my biggest peeve has to do with the engine of the series: every single week and I mean every single week, Clark fights another teenager who?s been given powers by the kryptonite that accompanied him to earth. And every week they either die or lose their memories, thus assuring that no one remembers that Clark punched his way through a brick wall. Even better is the fact that every week Clark saves somenone?s life. By this time wouldn?t you either want to be near him a lot for protection, or stay the hell away from him because bad things happen when he?s around?
WATCH THESE LOSERS AND FEEL BETTER ABOUT YOURSELF
Someone needs to come to my house at 11:00 every night and stop me from watching Blind Date. Unless the two people involved are totally repellent, I will watch this social traffic accident . Even worse, I?ll watch Shipmates, which is right after it and seems to be made by the same producers. This sticks two, desperate, lonely, attention starved people (who else would agree to do this on television?) on a cruise for three days. My personal favorites on the latter have to be either the Middle Class Black guy who got stuck with a Ghetto Sista and told her he was going to bed, only to go back to ship?s disco and hook up with a blonde; OR, the porn star, who only revealed that she posed in Penthouse, who wound up with a guy---who could only be described as a "Mook"---and later wound up taking him into the men?s room for some privacy. What gets me about the latter is how no one acknowledges that she?s a porn star, only a Penthouse model, even though she actually shows the Mook her layout on the episode. I saw it on the newsstand the next day and checked it out (I ain?t buying this crap). For those of you who don?t know, in the last few years, Penthouse has gone hardcore, which means shots of actual penetration (not to mention urination, but the less said of that the better). What this all means is that she showed this guy a picture of herself with her fingers shoved up her own ass! Not to mention other orifices! And this was on Day 1! He was thrilled. Personally, I would have made sure she washed her hands before handling any of my food, but that?s just me.
WARNING: THIS PARAGRAPH CONTAINS A DICK JOKE
The difference between a good show and a crap show is that on a good show, a girl-girl kiss between the two female leads is only one of many jokes, but on another show, it?s the only reason to watch it. Will & Grace had a full-on kiss between Grace and Karen (Debra Messing and Megan Mulhally both of whom please me greatly) and it was not used in even one promo that I saw and this is the middle of November sweeps! On the other hand, Friends ran the Winona Ryder /Jennifer Anniston kiss into the fucking ground. And on ABC, Denise Richards seems to have realized that Wild Things was her peak and so is now making out with Heather Locklear on Spin City just to pay her rent. Her next stop: Red Shoe Diaries on Showtime. The odd thing is, in that one kiss, Grace has seen more homosexual action than I think Will has in two years. For a show about a gay man in NYC, he doesn?t get laid much and never, ever kisses anyone. Please! He?s a successful lawyer. He should be forced to carry around a tennis racquet all day because so many balls are coming at him. Even Jack, who supposedly sleeps around, is never seen physically interacting with another man. You think if women ran the networks and men didn?t, this might be different?
WARNING: THIS PARAGRAPH ALSO CONTAINS A DICK JOKE
Speaking of which, yet another friend has confirmed in her past the sapphic experience. Needless to say, after about 13 years of this, it?s no longer a surprise, just a sad, sad reality for me. Sorry, but while this may titillate the other 90% of the male population, I only see more unfavorable judgements being leveled against one?s oral sex skills. "You know, Jessica did that much better than you. And so did Sylvia. And Margaret. And?" I don?t need this in my life. Imagine if it were reversed? "Yeah, baby, that was great, but you know what? Remember my friend Dan, who played tailback? Now, he was great. He was like a hoovermatic, that guy."
THE LAST JOKE ABOUT GIVING HEAD, I PROMISE
24 finally started up this week, with the only change being the airplane explosion cut out. Despite all the good reviews, I can?t get with it. Because the gist of this series is that all the action takes place in 24 hours and every week you get another perspective of that same 24, it seems like a lot of work. I?m serious. You have to remember every thing from every episode to fully appreciate the following episodes. I see Mia Kirshner is on it. What I remember most about her is her attempts to get all Lolita on Jon Stewart on his old show, a few years back. She also talks a lot of shit about sex with women in interviews, but says she?d like to do it in a movie. In other words, she wants to be trendy, but with limitations. Simply put, like so many men, she wants to mess around with a woman, but doesn?t want to have to eat pussy.
DEATH BY TEQUILA---WELL, IT FELT LIKE DYING
It?s finally dawning on me that, maybe, just maybe, taking up drinking as a hobby this late in life is a bit of a mistake. Shortly after I took my sabbatical, I was summoned to New Jersey by a kindred spirit who informed me that I had no idea how to properly drink tequila and that she would instruct me. Needless to say, this meant I had to take a bus and as usual, you cannot leave Port Authority without an incident. I?m waiting to get on a bus and suddenly cops go running in the other direction. I forget just where in New jersey I ended up (it?s all the same to me) but I was informed the strip club in The Sopranos was nearby. In any case, almost as soon as I arrived, the drinking began. The Tequila Mistress poured shots (the only proper way to drink the expensive stuff, I was informed) and followed them with frozen margaritas. After this, we went to dinner at a Mexican place and had another margarita. After dinner, it was back to the home of The Tequila Mistress for the killer margaritas, which are made with Grand Marnier. I don?t remember how many we had, I just remember they were good going down. Sleep came around 3:00am, but six hours later I was up and in the bathroom---where I?d stay for the next few hours. There was no puking because all my food had been digested. It was just dry heaving and the most horrid pain known to man. Eventually, I made my way back to the sofa, where, unable to sleep but not quite awake, I lay there listening to the True Hollywood Story of Whitney Houston and Bobby Brown that she was watching, which only made it hurt more. Thankfully, I was upright and walking by four that afternoon. Since then, I?ve lost my love affair with my blender. Also, for me it?s a festive drink and there hasn?t been a lot to be festive about recently. In any case, I gave it another shot last week and paid horribly for it. Where once, I?d drink a quart of frozen margaritas by myself with no pain, three from The Rodeo Bar had me hiding under my desk at work the next day. Bear in mind, there was an eight ounce steak consumed between drinks two and three. Now that?s just fucking sad. Drinking is like a muscle, kids. You neglect it, you lose it. I?ve lost it. I?m just a pussy wine drinker now.
11/5/01
"I knew he was gay by the presence of defined abdominal muscles. You have to suck cock to get muscles like that. It doesn?t work for women. I tried." --- Margaret Cho
IN MY HOUSE, ONE-EYED MONSTER MEANS SOMETHING ELSE
Opening at number one to the surprise of no one is Monsters, Inc.,. While not achieving the heights of Toy Story, A Bug?s Life or the amazing Toy Story 2, it?s still better than the highly overrated Shrek and doesn?t open up with a shitty Smashmouth song either. The only flaw I can find with it is that even at ninety minutes, it?s still too long. The third act is dragged out a little long, but every time a Disney movie succeeds without an odious musical score, an angel gets his wings. Looking forward to buying the toys. Finally, I can play with my one-eye monster in public?
IN MY HOUSE, THE ONE MEANS?AW, FORGET IT.
The One opens at number two and the simple fact that the original star was The Rock and was replaced by Jet Li (who gave up Matrix 2 & 3 to do this), tells you just how unimportant the script is in all this. The idea of multiple universes is an old science fiction and comic book idea, but never in all my geek studies has the number of universes been finite. This is a pure geek complaint, but shouldn?t it be infinite, thus making it impossible for you to kill all your doubles in order to gain their strength (this movie is also ripping off Highlander)? And even so, how is it that only one guy in all the universes realizes this? Since they all grow stronger every time one of them dies, shouldn?t it then be harder and harder to kill the rest? Of course these questions means I gave it more thought than anyone involved on the production did. They were too busy trying to figure out how to best make Jet Li fight himself, which is only a tad more interesting than when Jean-Claude van Damme did it (twice!). And Jet Li, never good-looking to begin with, seems to be getting uglier by the movie.
ONE YOU CAN PARK A BIKE IN AND PUT YOUR DRINK ON
Domestic Disturbance opens at number three and the most interesting thing about this is that all three leads were asked by the director to lose weight. Now Travolta and Vaughn I understand, pudgy bastards they are, but Teri Polo!?! You know why? Because Teri Polo has a very nice ass (for a White Girl) and the average White boy has no idea how to deal with that on a White woman. He was afraid of it and tried to get her to diet it off. Sorry, buddy, but as Janet Jackson will tell you, it ain?t that easy. Now, this is the problem with women in Hollywood. Her reaction should have been to tell him to go fuck himself, but instead she did it and only gave him a small amount of shit about it. Now she gave in to "The Man" and wasted what little currency Meet The Parents gave her in this dung heap. We?ve now reached the point where John Travolta?s name automatically means crap. The only reason Swordfish partially worked is because he wasn?t the real star. Honestly, does he read his scripts to completion? Or is he the new Michael Caine? "Am I alive at the end?" "Yes." "Then pay me and I?ll do it."
MOM, DAD STOLE MY DIAPER!
K-Pax is down to number four and this has to be one of the first movies to acknowledge that it?s odd that someone of Jeff Bridges? age to have daughters and a wife so young. It?s his second marriage (men almost always marry younger that second time around) and his son---whom he no longer speaks to---is fully grown. A total contrast to almost every other middle-aged leading man in a movie (can you say Michael Douglas, who in real life has a twentysomething son) who all seem to be have escaped marriage or children until their 40?s, thus winding up in their 50?s taking kids to preschool, like it?s not unusual. Trust me, dealing with a 2-year-old is hard at any age, so you don?t want to be doing it when your prostate is acting up on you (which is why I need to be married by the end of the year---still accepting applications, but remember: it has to be in Vegas at an Elvis church).
DID I MENTION STRANGE EXPERIMENTS WITH FRUIT?
13 Ghosts is down to number five and I see I?m not the only one who realized that announcing the reasons for your "R" rating is an excellent way to sell a movie. This totally fucks with assholes like Lieberman (who has yet to realize one of the reasons Gore lost is because this country is still very anti-Semitic) by turning their rules against them. If it were my movie, I?d add hyperbolic detail: "This movie is rated ?R? due to extreme, senseless, mind-blowing, butt-kicking violence, excessive nudity that has no bearing on the plot, swearing that would make a sailor cry and one really, really, graphic sex scene with lots of nasty noises like real sex." Think anyone would see that?
NEXT FOR HIM? BOSOM BUDDIES ? THE MOVIE
Riding in Cars With Boys is down to number six and do you think Peter Scolari (the other guy with Tom Hanks on the underrated TV show, Bosom Buddies) looks at Steve Zahn and is filled with a murderous rage? The marginal success he?s had is still more than Scolari ever had on the big screen. And Zahn essentially played Peter Scolari in That Thing You Do (while Tom Everett Scott played Tom Hanks). And to add insult to injury, Peter Scolari was in the movie as well! I guess that?s just the breaks. He should have made the most out of Newhart while he had the chance. I have the strangest feeling he?s living in Tom Hank?s pool house right now, hoping for a part in every movie.
DON?T HATE THE PLAYER, LADIES, HATE THE GAME
From Hell is down to number five and the more people come down on Heather Graham, the more I like her. I mean, let?s face facts: the main reason so many people (re: women) dislike her is because she fulfills the sexual fantasy of most of the male populace. Blonde, blue-eyed, full breasted, thin and willing to be butt-nekked onscreen. Her other great crime? To date the men she works with. Since when did serial monogamy becomes equivalent of a skank ho (though I?ll give you that James Woods? thing)? Julia Roberts has bagged twice as many men and gets none of the crap. Probably because she?s not half as attractive (she looks like a ferret and I?ll go to my grave saying that) and everybody is always happy when the homely girl gets some.
NOW IF JAMES VAN DER BEEK HAD THE ETHAN HAWKE ROLE, DENZEL COULD HAVE BEEN DR. FRANKENSTEIN
Training Day is down to number eight and Macy Gray appears briefly in this film as a gangsta?s girlfriend. The funny thing is, Macy is six feet tall. She looks as if she could take both Ethan Hawke and Denzel Washington without even trying. Especially with that untamable Bride of Frankenstein hair. I kept waiting for her to point at one of them and let loose that screech---which she calls her second album.
THE END
Bandits is down to number nine followed by Serendipity at number ten.
RIDDLE ME THIS, BATMAN: WHAT?S THE AGE OF CONSENT IN LOUISIANA?
Britney Spears saturated MTV this weekend to push her new album coming out this week and from what little I heard before turning off the TV, it?s pretty goddamned bad, even by teen pop standards. I have to say the girl gives a new definition to the word "clueless." Hell, The Riddler himself couldn?t give her a clue. When she says she doesn?t understand what so upsets people about her, she means it. She genuinely has no clue why wearing pants so low the nation?s censors are on a "pube alert" is a bit much for a teenage girl. I need her to go away so I can turn on the TV and not feel dirty all the time. Yeah, I know she?s legal and but a lifetime of reading Superman and Captain America has severely fucked me up..but in a good way. Granted, I?ll tell you exactly what I think when I probably shouldn?t, but at least you won?t find me boning your teenage daughter. And even if you do, you know I?ll feel really, really bad about it.
A GUIDE TO GEEKDOM (BUT DON?T GO WITHOUT ME; IT?S NOT SAFE)
Wednesday is comic book day. Know it, learn it, live it. I know I do. This means at least once a week, I go to buy comics and walk amongst my people. And I hate it. When I can, I go to St. Mark?s Comics in the Village, but that?s very dangerous for me because I know the owner (a wiry, yet intense man) who has no shame about exploiting my geekness and getting me to buy more and more paraphernalia, sometimes shamelessly exploiting his infant daughter?s cuteness to do it ("You know, college is going to be expensive?"). It?s to the point where my office at work is now filled with all my action figures to prevent my apartment from looking like the home of a really rich 8th grader (stole that line from the movie Free Enterprise). I now deliberately go to St. Mark?s after I?ve done all my other shopping so I don?t have much money left to spend. The problem is, the less you spend, the more you get mocked (my purchase of a $50 Captain America statue was forgotten as soon as I left the store). Just this weekend, I found myself being mocked by one of the many pierced, tattooed and experiment-with-my-hair-when-I?m-bored employees because I couldn?t find a back issue of a comic book I wanted. You think they do that kinda crap to you at Barney?s? Nope, just in geekland. But still, it?s better than the others. Midtown Comics is where I go when I?m lazy, but the stink of geek there is too much for me at times. On Wednesdays the place is packed with skinny and fat foul-smelling, poorly dressed geeks with bad, bad hair. Whenever I?m in there, I feel the urge to shout, "Look, it?s a pretty girl," and watch them all freak out. The worst, however, has to be Village Comics, wherein an employee felt the need to point out to me a large book of Asian porn actresses (due to the popularity of Anime, most geeks have defacto Asian fetishes---also, they think the smaller the women, the more impressive their tiny penises will be). In fact, you can judge the geek level of a comics store by the size of it?s comic porn section. St. Mark?s has one of the smallest, whereas Village has one of the largest and so does Midtown. Hell, Jim Hanley?s Universe practically sits right next to a porn store and don?t tell me it?s just a coincidence! I know these people! Um, you know, Christmas is coming, so if anyone wants to buy me this or this or even this, I?d appreciate it. Oh, and here's that Hulk picture I tried to do last week Hulk
STAR TREK NOW SEEMS LIKE SHAKESPEARE
So they ran the Star Wars: Attack of the Clones teaser trailer before Monsters Inc., and I made the mistake of sitting in front of a couple of hardcore geeks. Not only did they love it (it was nice to look at, but the absence of dialogue pretty much tells you all you need to know) but they even called their friends to tell them how great it was and then launched into a discussion about star destroyers that proved 30-year-old virgins do walk the earth. If they hadn?t shut up for the film, it was going to be a geek beatdown.
"NEW YORK, NEW YORK/IT?S A HELLUVA TOWN/THE COMISSIONER?S BEATING THE FIRE CHIEF DOWN?"
If you doubted that New York was returning to normal, the sight of cops and firemen fighting should put that to rest. It takes on a greater irony when you consider that one of the initial jobs of the police department was to stop the fire department from looting houses that had burned down. Also, I overheard this little piece of New York blas? conversation "She went to the benefit and got stuck with Sigourney Weaver all night." Stuck with Sigourney Weaver!?!
YOU KNOW, I WOULD HAVE SAVE NICOLE KIDMAN A LOT OF PAIN
Apparently I can?t go a week without pissing off at least one woman I know. This is putting that whole inability to find a wife thing in a new light. Tell me, if someone tells you that they?re getting married and your response is, "Not to that loser you were seeing?" and you don?t hear from them again, does that mean you guessed right?
HEY, YOU COULD BE DOING BRIDE OF CHUCKY 2
If I were in the biggest opening movie in Disney history and in a Broadway play, I?d be looking a lot happier on my way to work than Jennifer Tilly was when I saw her on 8th Ave. I?ll say this for her: she looked just like Jennifer Tilly and if you know just how much work is actually done with makeup and lighting to most of these people, you appreciate just how amazing that is.
HEY, IF I WANT GREAT ACTING, I?LL GO TO BROADWAY
Of course I had to get my copy of Swordfish on DVD and the more I see of her, the more I?m convinced that Halle Berry was simply grown in a lab. She?s just too fucking perfect. Perfect face, perfect body?perfect. It?s just not right. Thankfully, she?s crazy, which makes the less perfect among us feel a little better. Well, until you realize she married a man even prettier than she is. Then you?re back questioning your lot in life and that ugly bag of cellulite sleeping next to you every night.
GIRLS GONE SAD
I thought nothing could disgust me more than the Girls Gone Wild tapes sold on late night TV?until I saw the Playboy Parties tapes being sold on late night TV. As near as I can see, it?s just a bunch of women who make their living being naked dancing around with each other. Even worse, they start engaging in lesbian behavior the second a camera comes around, because they know that?s what men like and that?s all they?re here for. How sad are these women? To put it in perspective, imagine if every time a camera came around a Black person, he or she started rapping or playing sports, or committing a crime. Or, all Asians all started throwing high kicks or doing calculus or laundry. I tried watching the Roast of Hugh Hefner, but it was difficult. How can you make fun of a man who?s essentially a joke to begin with? And aren?t roasts supposed to be done by people who actually know you and aren?t all those people dead? And these people are so obviously B and C-list people. No one who?s any good is giving up half a million bucks in Vegas or Atlantic City for this crap. When Gilbert Gotffreid is a highlight, you know you?re in trouble.
SAVINGS ARE FOR WIMPS!
I?ve made the horrible, money-draining discovery of DVD?s of not released here yet, but are out in other countries. Since all DVD?s come with multiple languages, it really doesn?t matter. Being an idiot I bought one from Hong Kong (the superb "When Night Is Falling") when I realized I LIVE IN NEW YORK CITY! HELLO!?! A LITTLE PLACE CALLED "CHINATOWN" RING A BELL, YOU FUCKING GEEK DOOFUS IDIOT!!! And I was just about to order High Art from Germany, on Amazon. Yeah, they have it in China, but the box art is different and I?m geek enough to pay more for it from Germany, which has the original theatrical art.
