3/35/2002
"Nothing is more humiliating than to see idiots succeed in enterprises we have failed in." --- Gustave Flaubert
BITE ME
Blade II opens at number one this week and the wardrobe budget for black leather and rubber alone must have been tremendous. Apparently, there’s a dress code for the undead and it doesn’t include any sort of color or cottons. Noted director Guillermo Del Toro takes the reins this time and adds at little more gore, but his attempts at pathos fall short. The first one was hardly "Ordinary People" but still had more of a human element that this one. And the fight scenes are sacrificed when they try to incorporate computer effects. Animals and toys are one thing, but people still look horrible and more than one fight scene is ruined when the actual combatants are replaced with jerky computer created figures. A crime when your cast includes Hong Kong buttkicker, Donnie "I’m Faster Than Bruce Lee" Yen, who is again, wasted in yet another American action movie (you have to get the director’s cut to Highlander: Endgame to see him kick ass there). Dude, learn from Jackie and Jet: if you’re not starring, you’re wasting your time.
‘CAUSE STUPID FOLKS IS FUNNY
Ice Age is down to number two and the funniest part in this movie is the dodo sequence. The main characters encounter a group of dodos that hysterically destroy themselves while trying to protect a melon. There’s also a gay rhino couple that apparently escaped the notice of the studio heads. That alone is funny.
AND JUST ELIMINATE A.I. ENTIRELY
E.T. reopens at number three and much has been made of the changes Spielberg made in this movie because "he’s a parent now." What a dickhead. Someone please tell me just what high school isn’t going to get shot up because in Spielberg’s fantasy world, cops don’t carry guns? Has he forgotten that part of any kid’s fantasy is interacting with adults as an equal? If he really wants to help his past films, why doesn’t he go back and take his wife out of Indiana Jones & The Temple of Doom and put Karen Allen in her place?
WHO’S THAT SKINNY GUY WITH NICK NOLTE IN 48 HOURS?
Showtime is down to number four and Eddie Murphy is simply too old and too rich to convincingly play the hotheaded funny guy any longer. And he needs to stop working out so much or lay off the carbs. He’s actually bulky in this movie. This what happens as you hit middle age---your metabolism slows down, so you still build muscle, but you don’t burn fat off, leaving you with an extra layer you don’t want. Trust me on this one.
THIS IS HOW WE GET DOWN IN HOBOKEKN
Resident Evil is down to number five and co-star Michelle Rodriguiez was arrested for beating the crap out of one of her friends. Sigh. You can take the girl out of Jersey…
ETC.
We Were Soldiers is down to number six, followed by The Time Machine at number seven.
MORE MONEY FOR OPIE
A Beautiful Mind hangs in strong at number eight and last night’s wins are sure to keep it here.
IT’LL BE SELF-DEFENSE, I PROMISE
Sorority Boys opens at number nine and whose idea was this? More importantly, who thought it was worth producing? Who signed the checks to get it made? We have to find all of them and kill them so they can never do it again.
THE END
Finally, 40 Days and 40 Nights closes out the top ten at number ten.
BECAUSE NO ONE FANTASIZES ABOUT A GREAT CITY IN KANSAS
Like most humans, I can’t completely ignore the things that annoy me. I press bruises, pick at scabs and touch the canker sore in my mouth with my tongue (canker sore, not cold sore; a cold sore is herpes, a canker sore is an ulcer). This is why I never miss an episode of Smallville. I sit there, I watch it and I just work myself up into an angry geek frenzy. Still, the occasional bit makes me smile. Last week it was John Schnieder, who plays Jonathan Kent, listening to the Dukes of Hazzard theme song in his truck as the show opened. That alone made me forgive the next hour of pain. Metropolis is not in fucking Kansas! It has always been a city on the East Coast for the entire existence of Superman comics!
YES, I AM A FATTIST
I gave Andy Richter Rules the Universe a shot. It has funny moments, but I’ve got a serious problem with fat guys getting hot girls. It’s just not flying in my universe. And don’t tell me I’m being harsh. This is Andy Richter’s show, but notice how he’s failed to cast any fat girls as the objects of his desires.
YOU GREW UP IN SHOW BUSINESS AND YOU CAN’T TELL?
The Osbournes continues to be the best show on TV, but will someone please tell little Kelly that no one thinks that guy is her boyfriend. He couldn’t be more freaking gay. And her brother better thank god for this show. It’s the only thing stopping him from a case of terminal virginity. It’s a well-known fact that any kind of stupid fame will get you laid and I don’t think it was happening before this. I don’t care if he’s a star’s kid. He’s still a little freak.
IF SHE INTERVIEWED BRIDGET FONDA, IT WOULD HAVE BEEN PERFECT
I flicked back and forth between The Rude Crone (Joan Rivers) and The Stupid Crone (Barbara Walters) to see Sarah Jessica Parker and Halle Berry. I swear, E! gets more in depth than Barbara Walters. And that lighting! Is there anyone who doesn’t know that she’s an ugly old bat? And I can’t believe Matthew Broderick is going bald and is doing a combover! And one more time: it was minor R&B star Christopher Williams (the pretty boy Wesley Snipes stabs in the hand in New Jack City) who slapped Halle Berry around. Why she won’t say his name I don’t know. Who remembers him?
FALL FROM GRACE
Wasn’t Gabrielle Anwar one of the ingenues of the moment a few years back? Now, there she is doing contact lens commercials. That’s gotta hurt. Thought not as much as Freddy Boom Boom Washington weighing little blue aliens in that Sony commercial, or MC Hammer doing car loan ads.
INDEPENDENTLY BORING
The IFP Spirit Awards aired the night before the Oscars and proved that Awards shows are all still awards show, no matter how they strip it down and try to pretend how irreverent it all is. John Waters was the only saving grace. Well that and the routine about how it’s easier to get laid after a date when seeing a mainstream film than seeing an indie film (which isn’t true; indie film chicks are notoriously easy). And what’s with all the bleeping? This is cable. Indie film cable, no less. First, no one is watching. Second, if they are, they don’t fucking care.
RECAP…AS LONG AS THE SHOW ITSELF
Ridley Scott telling Joan Rivers it’s all about the script. WHAT FUCKING BULLSHIT! Ridley Scott is the patron-fucking saint of style over substance. Half the crappy directors today were weaned on fucking Blade Runner. The man is a plague on storytelling…Sidney Poitier’s daughters are amazing…Glenn Closer looking older, but strangely better than she ever has before…Hugh Jackman and his wife. It must be real love, ‘cause he’s a whole lot prettier than she is, but he can’t dress for shit. He can’t even wear a tux properly…Jennifer Connelly. Honey, with breasts that big, you need the kind of support that a strapless gown simply cannot allow for. And for someone who’s nominated for acting, she plays dumb about being nominated in the wrong category very poorly…why won’t Halle Berry and her husband, Eric Benet, make a video so it can be stolen and we can see two painfully gorgeous people doing the wild thing?…Jennifer Lopez with the dumb mom hair ‘cause she’s pregnant. What can I tell you? I know people…Sharon Stone is not aging well…Nicole Kidman looking great, but too dumb to know that she did do a comedy: To Die For…Something must be wrong with me, because I actually thought Helen Hunt looked sexy…Sandra Bullock and Hugh Grant making some exec at Listerine come in his pants by mentioning how much they like those breath strips on live TV…love, love, love the E! spots with actors doing routines in the mirror. Again I’m reminded Tootsie is on DVD and I have yet to buy it…Julia Roberts is so plain and she’s not getting any better looking as she gets older. What is wrong with people that they think she’s so good looking!?!…Someone make Owen Wilson get a nose job if for no other reason than to remove that nasal quality from his voice. A sequel to Shanghai Noon? Why god, why?…Okay, now ABC has forced everyone else off, so I’ll watch them. Ananda Lewis looks like crap and is dumb to boot. Honey you were given a big ass so you wouldn’t have to open your mouth…Uma Thurman is definitely pregnant, judging by the way she was spilling out of that dress…Elijah Wood still looks eight. All of you men and women who want to have sex with him are sick…Someone give Renee Zellweger a sandwich, a protein shake, something!…Cameron Diaz cannot help but look skanky. What’s wrong with her? Or right with her, if you like that sort of thing (and many men do)…Tom Cruise’s speech was the best acting he’s ever done…As usual, the funniest bit about Whoopi is what she’s wearing…Jennifer Connelly sounds like an 8-year-old at a public recital while accepting her award…I still love Cindy Crawford and that Pepsi commercial reminds me why…Cirque du Soeil? Why?…Shrek!?! Shrek sucked!…Jim Broadbent won? The only real shock. Ian McKellen doesn’t mind. He’s got his very young boy toy to console him. Dirty old man…Is it just me or was that group Black actors in the Sidney Poitier tribute kinda small? More than a few missing. What’s up with that?…Paul McCartney actually looked pretty good…Randy Newman finally won with one of his crappy songs, but all the songs nominated sucked…Gwyneth, Cameron Diaz can pull off that braless look, not you. And what’s with the heroin chic makeup?…Travolta looking tanned, rested and ready to make more bad movies…Halle Berry? This is because of all the freaking actors. If not for the SAG Awards she wouldn’t have won. She won for the sex scene. It was the only real, raw moment in the movie…Denzel won because Russell Crowe made an ass of himself two weeks ago…everyone loves Opie (forget Richie Cunningham; he’ll always be Opie to me) and it was a good movie, not as good as some of the others it beat, but still good. And is it just me or does Brian Grazer look like that creature in Beetlejuice who burned to death?
SO YOU’LL ALL STOP BITCHING ABOUT THE URL
Coming soon: www.angrygeek.com
3/18/2002
"Never do anything standing that you can do sitting, or anything sitting that you can do lying down." --- Chinese proverb
ICE, ICE BABY
Ice Age opens big at number one, but if I were at Disney I wouldn’t lose any sleep over it. Dreamworks is in trouble, though, because I laughed more at this than at that overrated piece of mediocrity called Shrek (rule #1 any movie that opens with a Smashmouth song un-ironically, will suck). The best part of this movie is the Scrat creature you see in the commercials. The biggest flaw in this movie is its gooey center, which is common in all animated movies, but at least Disney cloaks it in humor and wit and most of all, common sense. In Ice Age, the plot is that the prehistoric creatures want to return a human baby to its herd. This makes no sense because these very creatures spend their lives being hunted and killed by humans. Why would you save something that’s going to kill and eat you one day? This little piece of logic is actually voiced in the film, but just glossed over with a"Well, maybe he won’t." Yeah, right. Seen any prehistoric creatures walking around lately? What makes it even more ridiculous is that the wholly mammoth character (dully voiced by Ray Romano) had his family wiped out by humans, but yet he’s still hell bent of saving one. The saber-toothed tiger (voiced by Dennis "If You Believe I Didn’t Fuck Liz Hurley, You’re A Moron" Leary) is actually trying to kill humans in retaliation for his pack being killed by them, but for the plot he suddenly has to change. If not for this stupid, annoying lack of logic, this might have been a better movie.
COMING SOON: FROGGER THE MOVIE
Opening at number two is Resident Evil, which is based on the video game of the same name. Because I didn’t like playing the game, I had no interest in seeing this movie. My games require cars and guns (preferably, the guns mounted on the cars). I especially have no great interest in Mila Jovovich, who will, sadly, never again be as beautiful as she was before puberty. Now she looks the way Leonardo DiCaprio used to look before he got fat. Time is so cruel to the pretty children.
TIME FOR A TJ HOOKER REUNION, NO?
Showtime opens at number three and it is as lame as it looks. A friend of mine described it best as "a movie that looks like it should have been made in the 80’s," and she was never more right. Shallow, by-the-numbers, we’re-here-for-a-quick-paycheck filmmaking. The director you’ve never heard of, because all the money went to the actors. Sure as hell didn’t go to a good script. Or maybe it was a good script to begin with, but then each actor added their "notes," so it turned into shit. Eddie Murphy is consummately annoying as a cop who wants to be an actor. He’s so dumb and such a pain in the ass, you can’t suspend your disbelief to the point where you can believe he’d survive as a cop. DeNiro just does his typical disgruntled routine that he’s learned can make him money without even trying. The sole reason to even rent or see this movie on cable one day, is for the ten-minute sequence when William Shatner tries to teach them how to be TV cops. It’s what got me in there in the first place and the only thing that made me laugh.
FORGET GAY MEN, IT’S THE GEEK MAFIA THAT REALLY RUNS HOLLYWOOD
Speaking of Star Trek, in The Time Machine (down to number four this week), the computer generated librarian played by Orlando Jones (you know, the former 7-Up guy) actually says "Live long and prosper," at one point to Guy Pearce, complete with the hand sign. This is also done by the lost infant in Ice Age, giving us a Star Trek presence in no fewer than four films this week.
HEY, THOSE TALK SOUP FANS ARE LOYAL
We Were Soldiers is down to number five and how much of an audience is this movie losing by not playing up its minor stars, like Sam Elliot, Greg Kinnear, Chris Klein and Felicity herself, Keri Russell? Guarantee you their combined salaries don’t come to half of Mel’s.
PASSING
40 Days & 40 Nights is down to number seven and how long will Shannyn Sossamon go on pretending she’s a White girl? Is she the new Jennifer Beals? I mean, she’s from Hawaii, the only state in the union where White people are a minority.
LEGS, BABY. LEGS.
John Q is down to number eight, followed by A Beautiful Mind at number nine, which is very impressive. Other films have made more, but aren’t in the top ten after 13 weeks.
THE END
Finally, closing out the top ten at number ten is Return To Never Land.
BECAUSE "EATING JESSICA STEIN" JUST WASN’T FLYING
Not breaking the top ten is Kissing Jessica Stein, yet another bastard stepchild of Annie Hall. The lead, Jennifer Westfeldt (who co-wrote this with Heather Juergensen, who plays the woman who kisses Jessica Stein), is looking like Jennifer Anniston but definitely channeling Diane Keaton from Annie Hall. We even have the use of standards is montage sequences. It’s an enjoyable enough ninety minutes, though you could tell they were struggling for an ending---until they remembered how Annie Hall ended. Also, the other characters are stock-in-trade: slutty, artistic brunette character, Gay best friends (who get the best lines), annoying Jewish mothers and married best friend who tries to set you up, but still with enough charm to get by.
THAT DUMB BLONDE HAIRCUT WAS ANOTHER CLUE
Speaking of Guy Pearce, it turns out he wasn’t doing much acting in Priscilla, Queen of the Desert. When he was on The Tonight Show with Chris Isaak, Pearce looked at Isaak like he was the only glass of water in the desert.
BETWEEN HIM AND HALLE, THE X-MEN SEQUELS ARE GOING TO COST
I love Ian McKellen. Always a great actor, he actually made me watch almost an entire episode of Saturday Night Live. My favorite part (aside from the shot at the clergy and the St. Patrick’s Day Parade), though, had to be when Kylie Minogue was performing (that song is my latest guilty pleasure). At one point you actually see him sitting by the stage grooving to her---like a real queen! It takes a real man to openly display a love of cheesy dance music. Speaking of Kylie Minogue, notice how she didn’t pretend to try and dance while singing? Learn from this kids. Better to be half-assed in one area than quarter-assed in two (can you hear me, Britney?). And, to continue beating the dead horse that is the lower beauty standard in England, how is this woman a sex symbol? She looks like the love child of Madonna and The Alien, with those huge fucking teeth.
ANOTHER ONE OF MY SAD DUTIES AS KING
Can’t believe I’m doing this but since they made such a fucking big deal about it, I can’t ignore it: the new Star Wars trailer (the dateless losers in the audience before Ice Age actually applauded it). Yeah, it looks impressive, but so did the first one and we know how that turned out. Sigh. It’s still gonna suck. George Lucas is neither a director nor writer, but he’s got too much money for anyone to tell him that.
MAYBE I’M PREGNANT
So, for some weird reason, I’ve suddenly developed a never-ending craving for Krispy Kreme lemon filled doughnuts. Now anyone who’s known me for awhile, knows I go through phases where I eat one type of food literally every day for weeks until I’m sick of it (I just learned two days ago that my dad does the same thing). I was on my way to doing it again with this---until I noticed the quick weight gain. My depression induced weight-loss of December was undone in less than a week of doughnut eating (and milk drinking, because I don’t believe in low-fat milk with desserts). Anybody out there want to cause me some severe emotional pain so I can get rid of it again?
BREAST IMPLANTS. HMM, HOW UNUSUAL FOR TRAILER PARK GIRL.
I let my subscription to Playboy lapse long ago and am in the process of clearing a least a decade’s worth out of my closet, but still I had to take a look at Tiffany in Playboy (at the newsstand---I would not buy it). Man, when she said she got implants, she wasn’t kidding. She went all out for them. But what’s scary is that they look fairly real, obeying the laws of gravity and everything. Debbie Gibson, you’re up! And which of the four little teen queens will be doing the same in ten year’s time? Believe it or not, I’m thinking Jessica Simpson. She’s already halfway there doing freaking Maxim. It’s always the super-Christian types that are the dirtiest.
THERE’S GOING TO BE AN L.A. EDITION, BUT WHO GIVES A SHIT?
New York At The Movies aired on A&E last night and I really liked it, if for other reason, it reminded me of all the films I still need to get (why haven’t I bought Tootsie on DVD yet?). Sill, you’re discussing New York in film and no one speaks to Woody Allen!?! They speak to the totally useless Nora Ephron, who has built her career making non-films, but not the patron saint of making movies in New York. Granted his talent has run dry and he’s a disgusting old man now, but once he was a god. They spoke to Sidney Lumet, Martin Scorcese and Spike Lee, but not Woody Allen! Another reason I really liked this special because it’s the movies that got me here. I fell in love with the New York I saw in the movies. Even the ones that make it look like a nightmare (I so fucking love The Warriors) were still enticing. It was just too short and so much was left out (ahem, Jonathan Demme anyone?). This should have been done as a mini-series, doing a decade a night with Scorcese and Allen each getting whole shows.
SOMEWHERE, MILES DAVIS IS CRYING
It’s the end of an era. I sold my trumpet on ebay. I had it for 20 years, but I only played it for four. The other sixteen years it sat in a closet. Its selling price pretty much paid for the guitar that I bought, so I feel a balance.
I BLAME MY MOTHER FOR ALL THIS
If it’s Saturday night, then The Wild Child (now retired, it seems) must be getting 12 hours of sleep in my bed. This weekend was no different. And earlier this week I was out for a night of drinks and pseudo-Korean food with Miss Pretty Boy (the unashamed lover of only the prettiest men). This, along with the Chasing Amy incident, made me again think that maybe I need more male friends. Be careful what you wish for, kids. The very next day was spent solely in the company of men, complete with beer drinking, weed smoking and watching March Madness (none of which held any interest for me). Needless to say, this desire for more testosterone-based companionship has passed. Which one of you ladies wants to help me buy curtains?
NEXT: METALLICA DOES CULTURE CLUB
I mentioned months ago that the best thing about Not Another Teen Movie was the soundtrack of 80’s classics being performed by new bands. I recently got a copy (for free) and I cannot stop listening to it. It’s not simply because I’m an old man dwelling on his lost youth, but because some of the covers are really nice. My personal favorite is Stabbing Westward’s cover of New Order’s "Bizarre Love Triangle." They make it warmer and more melodic (liberal use of the triangle and I’m not kidding when I say that), which isn’t that difficult with New Order’s music, but if you know anything about Stabbing Westward, you realize what a huge fucking accomplishment that is.
STAR GAZING
So, celebrity sightings were so low I took notice of William Fichtner in Bed, Bath & Beyond and even Fisher "Can You Believe Michelle Pfeiffer Dated Me" Stevens on Broadway. This was all wiped clean with seeing and even getting a "Hi, fellas," from Steven Tyler along with his daughters, Liv and Mia in the West Village. That’s not just A-list, but rock legend A-list. And apparently I was looking in another direction when Brad Pitt was sighted.
3/11/2002
"What we need is hatred. From it our ideas are born." --- Jean Genet
TIME MAY CHANGE ME/BUT I CAN’T TRACE TIME
The Time Machine opens at number one, which shocks the hell out of me. Even I had to make myself see this, geek that I am. It was truly a slow weekend at the movies. Now, it’s been a long time since I either read the original H.G. (Herbert George) Wells story and I wonder if I’ve ever really seen the 60’s movie at all (I simply can’t remember), but in either case I could never overcome the depressing nature of the story. Simply put, in all versions, the fate of mankind is a very bleak, but never so much as in this one. You can see in the commercial that the moon gets destroyed (there was footage shot of pieces falling on New York, which was deleted for obvious reasons) and there begins the death of mankind (must I geek out and explain why the moon’s destruction would mean ours as well?). Maybe it’s just me, but I can never get over the fact that the bulk of the story takes place nearly a million years in the future with the mutant remnants of humanity. Isn’t the fun and/or interest of time travel to see how things change and how they remain the same? What fun is there if everything and everyone is gone? But H.G. Wells’s stories were always more cautionary than anything (the Invisible Man is a crazy murderer; it’s germs that stop the Martians, not anything mankind does; and the time traveler goes off to meet his fate in the future unknown to the reader). Guy Pearce is incredibly annoying as the earnest time traveler, while Jeremy Irons appears in what is little more than a cameo at the end as the bad guy. You’d be better off renting Time After Time with Malcom McDowell as H.G. Wells himself tracking Jack the Ripper into the future.
I NEVER BELIEVED THOSE LETTERS UNTIL IT HAPPENED TO ME
We Were Soldiers is down to number two and not even having the beautiful Madeline Stowe in this can make me see it. What happened to her career anyway? I think it was Kevin Costner who killed it with his movie Revenge. Yeah, I know she signed up for it, but it’s only her fault if she knew Tony Scott was the director. I still own a copy of that piece of crap, but only because she wears a sundress with cowboy boots in it and it’s even better than her nude scene. Along with cheerleading outfits, that’s my thing. Why, I remember once during the summer, this girl…(to be continued in Penthouse Letters).
EQUAL OPPORTUNITY STUPIDITY
All About The Benjamins opens at number three. Heavy sigh. Why does this even exist? Apparently, minorities need dumbass movies too. There a whole section of dumbasses Adam Sandler just isn’t reaching due to cultural differences. That said, where are the other minority dumbass movies? Every group has their morons and those morons have money (money earned working the fast food counter somewhere). All I can say is that I at least respect Ice Cube and LL Cool J for trying to leave rap for the movies because they don’t want to be old men rapping. Also, a lot of rap is built on anger and hunger and it’s hard to be angry and hungry when you’re rich and have been for the last ten years. Me, I’m still angry, but I can’t rap.
WWW.YOUWISH.COM
40 Days And 40 Nights is down to number four and in the film Josh Hartnett’s character works at some fantasy dot com. I say fantasy because, first of all, this whole movie takes place in a San Francisco that is only filled with straight people. A sex comedy set in San Francisco and they don’t have one gay perspective on this whatsoever. If you think a good-looking man going celibate is crazy to straight men, tell it to a gay man. They lost about a thousand jokes by ignoring this. Also, he works at a dot com filled with attractive women. That’s right up there with a straight San Francisco in terms of believability. The other men who work there, however, are dead-on loser geeks, but good-looking women who leather mini-skirts and thigh-high boots to work? Please. Only in the movies, kids. Only in the movies.
OTHERS
John Q is down to number five, followed by Return To Neverland at number six and Dragonfly at number seven.
MAKE IT FIT
A Beautiful Mind holds at number eight and the Universal is trying to defend their bullshit ploy of placing Jennifer Connelly in the Supporting Actress category (so she won’t get smoked by Sissy Spacek) as opposed to the Screen Actor’s Guild’s placing her in the Best Actress category, as a clerical error on their [SAG] part.
ETC., ETC
Big Fat Liar is down to number nine, followed by The Lord of the Rings at number ten.
OSCAR UPSET?
So, color me shocked as hell that Halle Berry won Best Actress at the Screen Actors Guild awards, ‘cause I thought she sucked. I thought it was "Watch Me Act" from the Tom Cruise Watch Me Act School of Acting. Then again, I think I understand perfectly. Actors place themselves in her position and are giving her an "A" for "effort" rather than the end result. The other awards are pretty much deserved, I guess, but they’re like the fucking Emmys in how they give the same people the same awards every year. I love Sex & The City and Will & Grace, but damn! Is there no one else doing good work out there? I guess not.
NOW THIS IS REALLY ALL ABOUT THE BENJAMINS
Kylie Minogue returns to the US charts. Apparently, to the rest of the world she’s like Madonna, but here we know he just as that goofy girl who found some reason to remake "Locomotion." It’s not a bad song, but what cracks me up is how she’s now still only 33. Now, that damn remake was a hit when I was in high school. How is it that she’s now younger than I am, when she should be damn near 40? What, was she 12 when she made it!?! And I’ve seen her on talk shows and she surely looks my age. Hell, she looks older. In any case, this new success is the result of a major push from her and her record company, because the money you make from an hit in the US, eclipses a hit all over the rest of the world. Let me put it this way: having a number one hit in England is like having the number one song in New York and LA and totally skipping the rest of the country. That’s the difference in the money to be made. Kylie Minogue will make more off this one hit than she has the last 15 years in England.
REMEMBER: ELIZABETH WAS ACTUALLY BUTT UGLY
Speaking of the freakish tastes of the rest of the world, the English press is going nuts over Chelsea Clinton who’s going to Oxford. Now, granted she looks better than she did before, but only in England would she be considered beautiful. Hell, her solid dental work alone qualifies her as desirable over there. Besides, I question this bullshit beauty standard that decrees that straight hair is more attractive than curly hair. Kinky-haired sisters of the world unite and fear humid weather no more!
WE ARE FAMILY/SEE US BE WEIRD ON TV…
My new favorite show is The Osbournes on MTV. I love, love, love The Osbournes! I cannot wait for the next episode and am living for the eventual marathon. If you tried to create show about a foul-mouthed rock star and his foul-mouthed family, no one would believe you, but this is real and absolutely hysterical. I especially like his wife as the calm center of all of it, but no less vulgar. I guess because my mom curses like sailor that I have an affinity for a mom that does the same. I’m very curious about the missing daughter, though. She got all the looks, but apparently doesn’t want to be any part of this. I can respect that. My family would be fucking funny too (and no less foul-mouthed), but I’ll be damned if we’re ever caught on film.
IT MUST ART FOR ART’S SAKE, BECAUSE NO ONE ELSE CARES
Blight of My Life came to stay with me this weekend and tried to drag me to "art" events. Actually, I think a better name for her is Unrequited Love 1.5, which is not be confused with Unrequited Love 1.0 (high school), Unrequited Love 2.0 (another college disaster) and Unrequited Love 2.5 (fully grown-up disaster). In any case, I dodged French films on Saturday night but acquiesced to the Met on Sunday afternoon (what is it with these soul-crushing women who come to town and drag me to the fucking Met?). I was dragged through the surrealism exhibit. Yawn. Sorry, but I am unmoved by it all. I can see the beauty in the photography, but the art simply leaves me cold for the most part. And the "meaning" of it all…jeez. Give me strength. For example: I had no idea that when Man Ray photographed a woman bending over, the idea was to make her body look like a giant penis. Silly me. Here I thought I was looking at a naked woman. And all the stories about artists fucking around in Paris are true. Apparently it was a bad time to have an attractive young daughter at that time, since every single artist picked at least one or two of them up on the street and took them away. And let me say the only thing worse than pretentious pseudo-intellectuals who still answer their cell phones in the Met are pretentious pseudo-intellectuals who answer their cell phones IN FUCKING FRENCH! OR FUCKING GERMAN! I so wanted to just walk around and punch people in the head, but I understand they arrest you for that now.
A SOUNDTRACK FOR SUFFERING
Speaking of unrequited love, you know what’s the worst thing about it? No good songs to wallow in. You may think there are thousands of good unrequited love songs, but there really aren’t. See, you’re thinking of "I love them, but they don’t love me anymore." No, I’m talking about "I love them, they just buy coffee from me in the morning" type of unrequited love songs. You know, where it exists only in your sad fucking skull. A prime example of this is The Temptations "Just My Imagination" or "If I Were Your Woman" by Gladys Knight and The Pips. I tried to make a mix once (I’ve got no less than four solid hours of traditional sad love song mixes), but couldn’t even fill out ninety minutes. Then again, I drew the line at country and loud, jangley alternative rock. It’s gotta be the kinda crap that goes well with a rainy Monday...when you’re laying in the fetal position in your own filth.
SO THAT’S WHY KEVIN SMITH DIDN’T MAKE A SEQUEL
So, my attempt to mend fences with Chasing Amy failed miserably and, of course, it’s my fault. As you may recall, I made a New Year’s resolution of ridding her of her girlfriend , to which she took great offense. Apparently the joke of it being a New Year’s resolution (which means it had about as much of a chance being done as any of my other resolutions) was lost on her. In any case, my way back into her good graces was to apologize to her girlfriend as well. Sorry, but that ain’t happening. I’ve got other friends with mates I disapprove of (and god knows they hate everyone I date), but we just agree not to talk about it. They know me well enough to know that asking for any modified behavior on my part for their mate’s behalf just ain’t happening. God knows I’d never ask it for myself (which is why I hide everyone I date from my friends). Oh, well. I’ll miss her.
IN YOUR EYES…
Finally, I was able to break my DVD fast again with the purchase of Eat Drink, Man Woman and Say Anything (bringing us to 230---not counting the porn). Eat Drink, Man Woman is the Ang Lee film which I love more than any of his others, including even Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon. A romantic comedy about a master chef and his three daughters it is the standard by which I judge all other films about food. See this and you’ll understand why Like Water For Chocolate is a stupid piece of shit. But have a menu handy. Once you see the dishes he makes, you will have to have Chinese food. Say Anything is a major addition to the collection as it is the movie which fucked up a generation of dating females. More specifically, my generation. It is why every thirtysomething woman in this country loves John Cusack. I hate to break it to you ladies, but this person does not exist in the real world. Lloyd Dobbler is an amalgamation of John Cusack, Cameron Crowe and a real-life kickboxing neighbor of Crowe’s. In the real world, Cusack is a poseur who likes to sniff women’s armpits and thinks Neve Campbell is a catch. Nonetheless, the commentary with Cusack, Crowe and Ione Skye is great, beginning a full twenty minutes before the film because they have so much to say.
"My attitude towards men who mess around is simple: If you find them, kill them." --- Loretta Lynn
I’LL BET HE READ NICK FURY & THE HOWLING COMMANDOS AS A CHILD
Opening at number one is We Were Soldiers and I have a negative interest in seeing this movie. I’ve never been a fan of war movies and the new realism isn’t helping me any. Does seeing the effects of a grenade in a man’s face really enhance the art? I don’t think so. And while I’ve never seen Randall Wallace, but I’m sure he’s either a geek, short, has a small dick or all of the above. He’s the writer director on this and was the screenwriter for Braveheart, The Man in the Iron Mask (which he also directed) and Pearl Harbor. You know he’s a wuss. Nobody who’s gettin’ any on a regular basis cares this much about war.
YOU KNOW THAT GIRL WHO PLAYED THE LEAD HEATHER NEEDS WORK
40 Days and 40 Nights opens at number two and Winona Ryder isn’t alone in peaking with Heathers. It was also director Michael Lehman’s shining moment. Since then it’s been Hudson Hawk, Airheads, My Giant and The Truth About Cats and Dogs (the only thing close to good) and now this. Between this movie and her felony charges, Heathers 2 is right around the corner. This movie takes on the tremendous task of making a romantic comedy out of a dirty joke and doesn’t quite make it, and I’ve got a built-in weakness for romantic comedies set in San Francisco (waiting patiently for Foul Play to come to DVD). It should have simply gone smutty all the way, because only at those moments does the movie really shine. Its romantic comedy moments are lame, lame, lame (a montage of laughing, giggling moments on one long date set to a pop tune? may we never see this again). Too bad too, because Josh Hartnett and Shannyn Sossamon look good together onscreen---though they don’t get butt nekkid and hump the way the viewing public needs them to.
…NOT TO MENTION OXYGEN AND WE.
John Q is down to number three, followed by Dragonfly at number four and aren’t there anymore leading women? Where are the female counterparts to these two guys? Especially the lame-ass Kevin Costner? Could this movie have been any worse if it were about a woman haunted by her dead husband? At least if it had been a female lead, she would have cost less, thereby increasing the chances for the film to turn a profit. Also, it could then be sold to Lifetime, where it would have an audience. Where you gonna run this crap now?
SOMEHOW I DON’T THINK LESTAT STILL LIVED WITH HIS PARENTS
Return To Neverland is down to number five followed by Queen of the Damned at number six, which dropped a whopping five spots and 60%. Why, do you ask? Well, I did a little research on the book this is based on and discovered they took serious fucking liberties with it. First of all, this is a sequel to Interview With A Vampire, meaning the character that Brad Pitt portrays is not only in it, but they resume their love affair in the course of the book. Needless to say, none of this is in the movie, which means, not only have you made a bad movie (but fun), but you’ve pissed off the core audience, and those are some people you don’t want to piss off. These vampire freaks are even worse than the Lord of the Rings geeks, because at least those people don't dress like hobbits 24/7. Vampire people do and that’s not a low maintenance look either. They waste hours and hours of their lives to look that way, then end up at a fucking MacDonald’s because it’s all they can afford after blowing their money on clothing. Not to mention having to wear all black in the fucking summer. The only advantage they have over my geeks is that sex is a part of the vampire mystique, so at least they’re gettin’ some.
I SUPPOSE A BIG SCREEN HELPS IF THAT’S WHAT YOU CAME FOR
Big Fat Liar is down to number seven, followed by A Beautiful Mind at number eight and Crossroads at number nine and why would any pervert in his right mind pay to see this when you can get Britney in capri pants on TV in a Pepsi ad for free?
THE END
Finally, The Lord of the Rings re-enters the top ten at number ten.
NO NUDITY, NO CURSING, LESS SEX, AND NO SARAH
There comes a time when the cast and/or staff of any hit show realizes that only one or two people is really making money off that show’s success and they hit the road to make their own coin. Here’s the first of the Sex & The City writers to decide they want a little of that Darren Starr money with her own sitcom, A Leap of Faith (notice how it premieres after the mini-season ends). It’s a by-the-numbers sitcom (Nice Girl Main Character, Slutty Ethnic Best Friend, Platonic Guy Friend you know she’ll sleep with, and a Perfect Boring Minority character because the writers really don’t know any minorities, but are too afraid of being racist to leave them out). I hate to admit it, but as stock-in-trade and predictable as it was, I still enjoyed it. If it succeeds, hopefully it will get better as they get the freedom that success brings. Case in point: ever seen the first few episodes of Seinfeld in reruns? Or The Simpsons? Painful.
DEPT. OF REDUNDANCY DEPT.
Speaking of Sex & The City, at some Gay & Lesbian film festival (wait, aren’t lesbians gay?) they are showing "the gayest" episodes of Sex & The City. Please. Why not show the episodes of Sex & The City that have Sarah Jessica Parker, or the ones that take place in New York City. THEY’RE ALL GAY! It’s always been about four gay men, only no one would watch that. I mean, you don’t hear people talking about the latest episode of Queer As Folk.
NEXT YEAR THEY’LL HOPEFULLY INTRODUCE HALTER TOPS & CUT-OFFS
Miss USA, below Miss America, but above Miss Hooters (barely), aired on Friday and someone finally realized that nothing looks better on a woman than a nice, tight, midriff T-shirt and a pair of tight jeans, and they actually had a portion of the show where the contestants wore just that. In comparison, the bathing suit competition (a.k.a., the stomach suck-in contest), was even more boring than normal. But the most amazing thing I saw before I turned the channel was that four out of the five finalists were Black. Welcome to the 21st Century. The eventual winner was Miss District of Columbia (guess her ethnic background) who wasn’t the prettiest girl there, but had a rock hard body that made my draw drop. I wasn’t the only one. During the bathing suit competition, celebrity judge Jermaine Jackson, gave her a 9.9, and I’ve no doubt he tried to pick her up when it was all over.
IS BLACK & WHITE A JOKE ABOUT THAT DAMN DRESS?
Monica Lewinsky in Black & White aired on HBO and while I understand why some people my still care about this crap, I fail to see how it warrants almost two hours. Hell, the total combined time of all her blowjobs probably wouldn’t be two hours. And she’s still stupid. I watched about 30 seconds of it and could see that. Still what is it with these people who went to this thing only to take a shot at her? How empty is your life when trying to humiliate some dumb girl is important to you? I agree with David Chapelle when he said it’s all about jealousy. Every woman has at least one dick (or two) she regrets, only that dick didn’t belong to The President of the United States of America. Monica fucked up big time, but at least she didn’t fuck up for a married manager in accounting or some bartender like the rest of you broads. No, I’m not bitter. Why do you ask?
NEXT COMES THE SECRET HANDSHAKE
So, now that I have an amp, I have to find out what the knobs and levers on my guitar mean. This is why I was back in full poser mode, walking up 9th Avenue to my guitar lesson, with my guitar across my back to have my instructor show me. But a strange thing happened along the way: other guitar players began to make their presence known to me. Other members of the tribe now acknowledge me with a cursory glance at my guitar or a nod, as if to say, "Ah, one of us. Not like the other people who carry no instruments because they make no music." One woman with a guitar across her back even tapped me on the shoulder to ask me about mine. After briefly faking knowledge of my instrument, I then went to have my skinny white teacher humiliate me by teaching me how to properly keep a rhythm while playing---which I failed to learn.
I’M ACTUALLY PAYING FOR THIS
A warning. Never, ever walk into your therapist’s office after a significant change in your appearance (in my case shaving my head again) and mention offhandedly that you didn’t recognize yourself. "You say you didn’t recognize yourself. Let’s talk about that." There went my whole session. Sigh.
AND THE BEATLES NEVER WON ONE EITHER
The Grammys were lame as usual, but because I was being good and working out, I taped it and was able to avoid much of the lameness. It started off well with U2 doing "Walk On" but then took a turn for the worst with Jon Stewart stripping down to his boxers. Ugh. He’s a funny, funny man, but he either needs to hit the gym or stay clothed…I’m sure those people at MTV who swore that performance of "Lady Marmalade" at their music awards would be the only time Pink, Lil’ Kim, Mya and Christina Aguilera did it are a little pissed. Hopefully, watching Patti LaBelle scream her head off taught Christina just how fucking unnecessary it is. And where is Nona Hendryx? There was more than one person in LaBelle, you know…whatever Billy Joel’s been doing since he gave up pop music, it hasn’t kept him from any meals. And his "jazzy" rendition of "New York State of Mind" with Tony Bennett, sucked…so Train, a.k.a., The Wallflowers 2001, won with their lousy song. Know now we’ll never see them again…how much do I hate myself for liking N’Sync’s "Girlfriend"? Liking the Nelly remix only makes it worse…thanks to the beauty of videotape, I was spared, not just the Spanish language song with Destiny’s Child (what’s the point of a separate Latin Grammys if we still have endure this), but the Country song as well…I can die without ever hearing Alica Keyes do that fucking song again…again, I thank Zeus for videotape, so I can completely miss the blight on music that is The Dave Matthews Band. I’d sooner see Train again…Bob Dylan still doing the kabuki thing…Janet Jackson’s abs. Holy shit. If only she could be like that all the time, but that’s just her tour body and her tour only ended two weeks ago. Another month and she’ll look like Oprah. Not that Oprah’s fat, but Oprah ain’t got abs of steel…Why doesn’t Mary J. Blige just throw the microphone and scream, "I’ve been through some shit! Some real shit!" It would be a little more subtle than the way she sings that song…India Arie was supposedly hurt that she didn’t win anything. Honey, not winning a Grammy is proof-positive that you are at your creative peak. U2 did their best work over ten years ago and got dick. All That You Leave Behind is a decent album, but compared to "The Joshua Tree" "Achtung Baby" and "Zoo" it’s nothing. In fact, it’s more of an apology for "Pop" than anything else…Nelly Furtado with Steve Vai? Now that came out of nowhere, but the song and her voice are both good enough, so the less production, the better…three hours that took me about 20 minutes to watch. I think I have a plan.
JUST ONE STEP CLOSER TO ORDERING THAT UNIVERSAL GYM OFF TV
Okay, so I returned to the gym after over a month and I was quickly reminded why I hate it. Oh, it’s not just because I’m lazy (but that is a big part of it) as much as I despise other men. They smell bad and insist on displaying their sorry naked bodies constantly in the locker room. Okay, so you just took a shower. Fine. You’re supposed to be naked. But why does your watch have to be the first fucking thing you put on!?! Butt-nekkid, except for a watch! And looking at himself the entire time in the mirror. And when you’re built like an out-of-shape Barney Rubble, Calvin Klein bikini briefs are not for you. Ugh. That sight alone is going to keep me on salads for the next ten years.