4/25/2002
"My problem lies in reconciling my gross habits with my net income." --- Errol Flynn
MISS TEEN USA 1985, THANK YOU VERY MUCH
Still at number one is The Scorpion King and Kelly Hu plays the love interest in this and my introduction to her goes back to 1988, when my then roommate---the drunken Japanese Sinatra-lover--- told me of his plans to marry her because she’d make the perfect political wife in Hawaii during his bid for governor. "Ex-beauty queens look good in United Way commercials," he said. Well, now he’s married with children, working in immigration to keep the wrong people out of America and Kelly Hu seems poised to become the new Lucy Liu (who was the new Tia Carrere…who was the new Joan Chen…who was the new...), but I doubt it. She’s very pretty and looks great nearly naked for ninety minutes onscreen, but frankly, she’s boring. All of Hollywood’s other "Asians of The Moment" (which are defacto women, because in 80 years, it’s pretty much only been Bruce Lee and Jackie Chan and there were thirty years between them) had a little more than looks going on (Lucy Liu was aggressive and would get naked, Joan Chen was sad and would get naked…).
LOST IN SPACE WAS JUST THE FINAL NAIL IN THE COFFIN
Changing Lanes is down to number two and William Hurt plays a small role in this film and what the hell happened to his career? He’s a great actor and is good in pretty much everything he appears in for even just a second, but I can’t believe he’s choosing only supporting roles. What was it that brought him down to a point where he could never recover? I take it back to A Time of Destiny with Timothy Hutton. It was the first time I’d ever seen a movie with two major stars just show up with no fanfare and disappear just as quickly. Something had to be up. After that it was never the same (for Timothy Hutton, the decline had begun three years earlier with Turk 182).
SOMETHING MORE LIKE DEATH
Life Or Something Like It opens at number three and theoretically, movies are supposed to cheer you up when you’re depressed---unless you’re depressed and you see a bad movie like this one. I was in a lousy mood on a rainy Sunday afternoon and desperate to see something, anything. The combination of a 99-minute running time and a Ziegfeld venue was enough to get me into this. I soon regretted it. Banal, trite, empty, clichéd and lacking in any deviation from "How To Make Romantic Comedy/Drama" formula. How can this be the work of the director of Bill & Ted’s Excellent Adventure? This continues Angelina Jolie’s downturn since being cursed by---I mean, winning Best Supporting Actress. First, came Original Sin, then came Tomb Raider and now this. A few more movies like this and her career will be, to use my favorite line from Sex & The City, "…so over they need a new word for it." And Ed Burns didn’t even need to win anything to continuously make crap after one semi-decent movie. How bad is this movie? The high point is when they play "Satisfaction" on the soundtrack. I kid you not. For the three minutes the song plays, the suffering ends. And like so many great songs it’s only three chords (am I the only person who noticed how it shares the main riff with "Green Eyed Lady" by Sugarloaf?).
NOT TO GET OFF TRACK BUT…
Jason X opens at number four and I have to give them credit for at least trying to take it in another direction. The trailer is more funny than scary and the cast seems to be more than just roadkill, actually fighting back. The other saving grace is the casting of minor sex symbol Lexa Doig. Needless to say, with that name minor is all she’ll ever be. Aside from playing the computer on that lame science fiction show, Andromeda, she’s constantly on HBO in this low budget movie called No Alibi, with Eric Roberts and Dean Cain. She plays criminal Eric Roberts’s partner/lover and when a low-level thief steals his money, he sends her to seduce him and get it back. But he sends her to Dean Cain, who is actually the petty thief’s older brother. Once she realizes her mistake, she then sleeps with the thief brother and sets him up for Eric Roberts to get his money back. Unfortunately, that’s not enough for Roberts who kills him anyway. She, however, has fallen for Dean Cain and stays with him, eventually getting married and having a baby. Roberts returns and wants her to come away with him with the baby and make their own family. She refuses, but Roberts threatens to tell Dean Cain of her past and her origins as a child prostitute on the streets of Saigon, where he found her. To make matters worse, Cain has hired a private detective to find his brother’s killer and discovers she’s been lying to him all this time. When she discovers that Cain had discovered the truth on his own, she then lures him into the same trap she led his brother into with Roberts. But he’s not as stupid and comes prepared, bringing his own gun. Dean Cain tells her to leave and then blows Roberts away. The movie ends with her walking away into the night to conceivably never see him again. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve seen this movie. It’s not that good, but every time it comes on, I leave it on while I do other things. What does this have to do with Jason X? Nothing, but I bet it was more interesting to read it than Jason X would be to see.
FEAR OF SUCCESS ISN’T ONE OF MY PROBLEMS EITHER
Murder By Numbers is down to number five and recently, I saw an interview with Sandra Bullock where she declared no interest in ever winning any sort of an award for her work. Well, honey, I can safely assure you that Academy Award stress will never be one of your problems.
ETC.
The Rookie is still hanging around at number six, followed by Ice Age at number seven.
LESSER OF TWO STYLIZED BUT ULTIMATELY LACKING EVILS
Panic Room is down to number eight and at almost $90M Jodie Foster has reemerged as a star, despite passing on Hannibal. In an interview in Premiere, she tries not to take a shot at the movie or Dino DeLaurentis’s comments about her needing the movie more than the movie needed her (this from the man who brought us Mandingo and its sequel, Drum), but can’t resist and rightly rips both it and the book it’s based upon. Despite my problems with Panic Room, it’s better than Hannibal.
SKANKY IS FINE IN SMALL DOSES ONLY…AND ONLY AFTER A FEW DRINKS
High Crimes is down to number nine followed by The Sweetest Thing at number nine and the writer of this is a woman who worked on South Park and fancies herself an example of how women can be as crude as men. This I know for a fact, from bitter, disturbing experience, but it’s usually refreshingly different from the way men are crude. If I don’t like this conventional crap from men, I’m sure as hell not going to like it from a woman. And neither does anyone else, judging from these sad box office results.
OFF THE WAGON…AGAIN
Not being able to take it any longer, I broke my DVD fast and bought Ocean’s 11. Granted, I wasn’t amazed by it the first time I saw it, but it’s an easy repeat viewing. Besides, I’m a Soderbergh fan and I had to have his director’s commentary. I still say the real romance is between Brad Pitt’s character and George Clooney’s character. How else can you explain the unwavering devotion Pitt has for Clooney in this movie? Besides, he’s better looking that Julia Roberts. I also bought a used copy of Serendipity. Shut up! I’m not pretending it’s good. In fact, I only bought it for one scene. I’ll ignore the rest. This brings our new DVD total to 232 (not counting the porn).
HOLY SYNDICATION!
Batman returned to television last night on Nickelodeon’s TV Land and I was glad to see it. My personal favorite is the episode where Lesley Gore appeared as Catwoman’s henchman (henchperson), drugged and seduced Robin, but still having a moment to sing "California Nights."
A PROGRAMMING EXEC’S TRIUMPH IS MY SHAME
As loathe as I am to admit when I’m suckered into a show by stunt-casting, I have to admit that it worked with me and The Chris Isaak Show. I only watched it to see my beloved Bridget Fonda in a four story arc and then again for Shelby Lynne. Now, I’m watching it every week. Even reruns. Yeah, I could argue that there’s nothing else on at 10:45 on Sunday nights, but I’ll be honest. I’ve learned to enjoy it. In fact, my main reason to watch it is the woman who plays his manager, the very nicely built Kristin Datillo. Her neurotic, successful single girl routine deserves a show of its own. If I tape the show, I fast forward past the goofball main storyline of Chris Isaak and his band just to watch her. Nonetheless, the new CD from Isaak is good. Much better than his last two (which I wound up selling). The best song is the only one he produced himself, called "Notice The Ring."
FROM NOW ON, IT’S JUST FAN MAIL
Believe it or not, I seem to have a fan base, which is the scariest goddamn thing I can think of. Occasionally, people I don’t know actually want to meet me because of this. Needless to say, I refuse, but the last time I did, the friend of the fan in question stopped speaking to me for a few months (maybe it was longer; it took me awhile to notice). So when the occasion came around again with Miss Pretty Boy and one of her friends, I agreed. We met early at a seafood place in Alphabet City (yeah, you can see where this is going) which had a nice 2-for-1 happy hour in addition to a "buy 12 oysters, get 6 free" deal as well. Martinis and seafood. What the hell was I thinking? So, Miss Pretty Boy’s friend showed up wearing what could only be described as a Star Trek Next Generation shirt. I’m not kidding. She had no idea until someone at work told her. All she needed was that little insignia pin and no life to speak of and she could have been just like thousand of other people who wear that shirt. Star Trek Girl had invited a friend of her own, who came in a red camouflage top, which I can’t really make fun of because I own a pair of Donna Karan boxers which look exactly like that (I guess we’re all gearing up to fight a war in the jungles on Mars). Thanks to a nice bartender (anyone who gives me a free drink is nice) we were all lubricated pretty quickly and an in-depth discussion began on the use of battery-powered sex toys and the greatness of The Osbournes. Things game to a screeching halt when Red Camouflage Girl suddenly burst into tears. Why? Well, it seems her cokehead ex-husband used to work at that very restaurant. What to do now? Well, another bar for more drinking, of course. Next, we’re in a cab headed to another bar and trying to get the karaoke room for cheap. It didn’t work, so Miss Pretty Boy and myself settled down for apple caramel martinis, fries and fantail shrimp, while Star Trek Girl and Red Camouflage woman disappeared into the bathroom for the next twenty minutes. Finally, when the men Star Trek Girl had called arrived, I stuck my head in and told them to come out. Red Camouflage disappeared with her guy within seconds of exiting the bathroom, while Star Trek Girl had called no less than two guys to see to her needs. Not wanting to watch this live action version of a Discovery Channel mating competition ("…watch as the males compete to demonstrate their worthiness to the single female…"), Miss Pretty Boy and I gulped down our drinks and headed to a third bar to meet up with her boyfriend. There, he and I explained why you never make money in front of the cameras in porn, but behind it and why pop stars aren’t as rich as you think. After helping her finish a glass of wine, I called it a night and staggered home. Needless to say, I spent the next day suffering horribly. I was never a good drinker, but at my age drinking from 6:00pm to 1:00am, is nothing but a mistake. The AngryGeek will now slink back into seclusion.
FIRST, CAR COMMERCIALS AND NOW THIS
How old am I ? I’m so old, not only do I enjoy watching VH1, not only do I prefer watching VH1, but also I’ve started to find new music on VH1. Thanks to their show Fresh, I’ve discovered Zero 7 and their song, "Destiny." If you’re thinking, "well, I like that too and I’m not old," then I’ve got bad news for you: yes you are. Either that or you’re lame, because it’s from their last album, not their new one. You’re a year behind.
DID THEY REALLY NEED TO DESCRIBE THE TUMOR SURGERY?
Speaking of VH1, it was guilty pleasure time there again with a Behind The Music on Foreigner. Another lame band whose greatest hits album resides firmly within my CD collection (personal favorite: "Waiting For A Girl Like You"). Again, too much was left out of the story (how can you leave out the fact that Jr. Walker played sax on "Urgent?"). What I remember most about "I Wanna Know What Love Is" (other than its horrific overplaying) is the video with all the Black people with jehri curls. Man, that drove me crazy. You know it must kill them now to see it, wondering what they were thinking. Only Lou Gramm (a.k.a. Lou Grammatico) understands, given his horrible hair choices for twenty-five years. It’s time to realize that only Black people can wear afros. The Jewish and Italian afro just did not make it.
IN MY MAD SCHEME TO TAKE OVER THE WORLD…
Speaking of attractive Asian women, I’ve recently found myself in the odd situation where I find myself among them. Granted, in New York this is like saying you know a lot of attractive Jewish girls, but when you’re already a minority it does stand out. Even worse, in a recent series of social gatherings I keep turning up with a different one in tow. Now, my friends know this is not the rule and these women are just my friends, but to strangers I’m sure I look like a ricebuster (a non-Asian who chases after Asians, i.e., John Lennon, Wesley Snipes, Woody Harrelson, etc). Or even worse, that I’m building an army of them, like some demented Bond villain. "You cease to amuse me, Mr. Bond. Poonanny, Sum Ho, Yung-Tang, dispose of him!"
AND HERE WE THOUGHT DRUGS WERE THE PROBLEM
Lisa "Left Eye" Lopez died in a car accident in Honduras. Okay, a new rule to go along with that "rock stars shouldn’t fly in small aircraft" rule. "Young, Black, female performers cannot leave the continental US." You think Brandy’s going anywhere now? I think not.
AND HERE WE THOUGHT PORN WAS THE PROBLEM
Linda Lovelace also died in a car accident last week and I don’t think I’ve ever seen Deep Throat and I’m really going to rush out and see it now. What I remember most about Linda Lovelace is that in her bio "Ordeal" she writes about meeting Sammy Davis Jr., who was a huge fan of the movie. So much in fact, that he demonstrates his own deep throat technique on Lovelace’s then husband. Not a sterling Rat Pack moment, is it?
4/18/2002
"One becomes moral as soon as one is unhappy." --- Marcel Proust
I’LL KILL YOU…WAIT, THE SIMPSONS IS ON
Opening surprisingly at number one is Changing Lanes. Who would have thought a movie about two nasty New Yorkers trying to destroy one another would find an audience in our post 9/11 world? Hell, I wouldn’t have seen it regardless. If I want that, I’ll just go outside. Don’t kid yourself about any great change in the city’s psyche after the attacks. Oh, we were tender for a month or two, but that ended the first time some asshole put on an EMS uniform so he could loot the disaster area. I won’t even get into the literally hundreds of other con jobs that were attempted. Personally, I find revenge too tiring to pursue effectively. I’ll just think nasty thoughts about you for awhile, then take a nap. It’s enough for me.
GONNA MUSS UP THAT PRETTY FACE
Panic Room is down to number two and Jared Leto does a decent job here as the rich boy behind the robbery. As usual, he goes out of his way to look as unattractive as possible (cornrows!?!) the way all these pretentious pretty boys do. I would like to take him and Johnny Depp and the rest of these fuckers who have just gotten pussy too easily in their lives and stick them in the body of Danny DeVito for a week. We’ll see how much they downplay their looks after that. Work for it for a change goddamnit!
KELLY BUNDY DOES WHAT?
The Sweetest Thing opens at number three and this is an attempt at a female version of There’s Something About Mary, complete with a road trip, a sperm joke and Cameron Diaz. Unfortunately, like most imitations, they only see the surface and miss what’s below. Though they only did it well once in my mind, The Farrelly Brothers created a movie with a bunch of raunchy gags, not a bunch of raunchy gags masquerading as a movie like this one (though the sight of Christina Applegate straddling a urinal is damn funny). And it has the most misleading commercials ever. Not only is Cameron Diaz’s character totally misrepresented (in the movie, she’s the player, not the played), but half of it never made the movie’s final cut, including a "penis song" that apparently unnerved the men at the studio little too much. And when will this national conspiracy of her as attractive cease! Aside from her terminal skankiness, there should be a law against her ever appearing in a state of undress, so unappealing is her body. And it doesn’t aid her case by having Christina Applegate, who actually has a nice body, right next to her.
TAKE THE KIDS
Ice Age is down only to number four, followed by The Rookie at number five, meaning families are out in force still despite the top three movies being rated "R."
ACTING AND GOD DON’T EXACTLY MESH
High Crimes is down to number six and apparently Jim Caviezel won’t do love scenes in any of his movies because it contradicts his religious beliefs as a devout Catholic. Well, given the way his career has gone from "next big thing" to "support the female lead" (he wouldn’t do a love scene with Jennifer Lopez in Angel Eyes either) he won’t have to worry about having these conflicts any longer.
ETC.
Clockstoppers is down to number seven, followed by National Lampoon’s Van Wilder at number eight.
MAYBE HE FRIGHTENED ME AS A CHILD
Frailty opens at number nine and while the thought of some Jesus freak serial killer initially attracted my interest, it wasn’t enough to get me into the theater. Besides, I simply dislike Bill Paxton for some reason. His mere presence makes me irritable. I don’t know why. Maybe this is why I can’t re-watch a lot of James Cameron movies, even though I get to watch him die.
THIS IS WHY SCRIPTS SHOULD HAVE MORE THEN ONE DRAFT
Blade II is down to number nine and the first ten minutes of this movie is spent correcting the mistake of killing off the Kris Kristofferson character in the first movie. The odd thing is, the character they created to replace him is actually just as interesting if not moreso, so they get to screw up a second time.
AMERICAN PIE
Not in the top ten is the art film of the moment, Y Tu Mama Tambien (And Your Mother Too) the coming of age story of two teenaged Mexican boys and the older woman who accompanies them on a road trip. This harkens back to the old days of foreign films when they gave us all the sex and nudity American films are too afraid to. You name it, it’s here: sex, oral sex, masturbation, cum shot, threeway and a little boy-on-boy lovin’. The older woman comments that the reason the boys fight so much and sleep with each other’s girls is because what they really want is each other. Well, duh. Isn’t a burning desire to suck dick but total fear of it the basis behind every fraternity and male bonding ritual in the world? And why is that Hollywood can’t depict sex with anywhere near the realism of other countries? With us, it’s always stylized, slow motion, diffused lighting, the carefully guarded genitalia of the actors involved and a song by Sting. With other countries it’s so urgent and raw you can practically smell the sweat and coming off the screen. While I enjoyed this, I can’t help but think a lot of the adolescent behavior depicted within (the aforementioned masturbation, teen sex, drinking, pot smoking…) wouldn’t be looked upon nearly as favorably were it done exactly the same here in America. It’s as if jerking off in a foreign language is daring, while jerking off in English is just crude. And I’m more than a little disappointed that breast implants have circled the globe, judging by the leading lady during her many nude scenes.
WITH INSTINCTS LIKE THESE, WHO NEEDS ENEMIES?
I’ve avoided it like the plague but since other people keep asking me about it, I have to say something. The Bachelor, that show about the most pathetic women in America competing for a complete loser. Sorry, I don’t care how successful he is or that he went to Harvard, only a truly fucked up individual does something like this. I say he’s got mommy issues and a dick the size of Vienna sausage. And the women…oy vey. What is wrong with all of you? Ultimately, all your problems can be traced back to us and a patriarchal system, but in a country where women occupy positions of serious fucking power (I would love sit these women down in front of Condoleezza Rice and have them explain what they’re doing to her) how can this still go on? At the same time this is going on, Angelina Jolie, she of the boy-with-breasts body is named by Vogue as a feminine ideal. Excuse me? Then freaking Harper’s Bazaar puts that bony-assed Brazilian model that was inexplicably the "It" girl of a year or so ago on the cover in a bikini. That’s not us, ladies. That’s not Maxim or any of those other silly magazines. That’s you on your own. Imagine if every group that’s ever had to struggle with any sort of oppression engaged in this kind of counter-productive celebration? Imagine an Irish magazine putting the biggest drunks on the cover, or an Italian magazine doing it with mob guys, or a Puerto Rican magazine celebrating the most out-of-wedlock births or a Black magazine celebrating criminals…wait, that last one actually exists. Sigh.
UGLY MEN IN BAD CLOTHING
Is it just me or do those Men’s Wearhouse commercials seem to go out of their way to find the ugliest men to wear those boring-ass clothes. At least ugly clothes can be interesting, but those damn things are boring, which is much, much worse. And that horrible toupee the owner is wearing. We’re supposed to trust him as a guide to style!?!
WHEN SHE SAID SHE LIKED HER SEX DIRTY, THIS ISN’T WHAT SHE MEANT
Long ago I read how women who dated men who weren’t circumcised had a higher rate of urinary tract infection because men just don’t wash themselves enough. Well, it’s gotten worse. Now that same lack of cleanliness combined with excessive foreskin can lead to cervical cancer. Bring this up if you ever meet one of those assholes who celebrates his "hood." Especially those lunatics who have gotten an operation to have it reattached. You know, despite your self-destructive acts, I still can’t understand why women haven’t taken over the world. I mean, can you just grab the keys to the kingdom while Bob is out getting part of his dick sewn back on!?! Or are you too busy getting a boob job?
WOULD IT COST LESS TO DRINK AND WHINE TO A BARTENDER?
So I’ve been in therapy for about two months now and have yet to get reimbursed by my insurance company. They are fucking me like a Marine on payday who just found a $2 whore for half price. Is my therapy helping me any? Well, I’m not losing anymore weight if that’s what you mean and the otters don’t consume my every waking moment anymore either. In fact, my biggest problem now is the financial hit I’m taking from being in fucking therapy! I need a new guitar. The one I have at work sucks. Not to mention the DVD diet I’ve been on for the last three months. This is killing me! The thing that’s actually keeping me sane are my guitar lessons from a guy who I realized looks slightly like Hugh Grant. Every week it’s a new Beatles song and last week I discovered how to play "Brandy" by The Looking Glass. "Brandy, you’re fine girl/Such a good wife you be/But my life, my lover, my lady/Is the sea…"
"WHAT’S YOUR NAME/WHO’S YOUR DADDY…."
R. Kelly fucking little girls. Well, duh. The man married Aaliyah when she was underage using false documents. Like Woody Allen before him, it’s not like he didn’t let you know what he was all about even then. They’re trying to draw a connection between this scandal and the disappointment over the album he did with Jay-Z. That’s more because Jay-Z releases a new album every third week. I’m sure it couldn’t because everyone else has finally discovered what I’ve known all along…R. KELLY SUCKS! HE SUCKS, SUCKS, SUCKS! But he’ll never go to jail. Errol Flynn pretty much made it okay for men to fuck underage girls sixty years ago and from Jerry Lee Lewis to Elvis to Mick Jagger, they’ve been making the most of it.
BITTER OLD MAN AND PROUD OF IT
Finally, my little 24-year-old roommate’s days are winding down and it’s not a moment too soon. She’s filled to brim with the joy and energy of life and after three months she’s fucking killing me with it. I need my old roommate who is essentially my common law wife at this point. Granted, she’s also an upbeat, fresh-faced thing, but after living with me for a decade, I’ve taken some of it out of her and she doesn’t bounce when she says, "Hello," like this freaking kid does.
MOMMY, WHERE DO STRIPPERS GO WHEN THEY DIE?
Awhile ago I mentioned how I was out with The Englishwoman at a dive bar where the female bartender would flash her drunken clientele on request. Well, we had lunch recently and she found why. It seems a few of the bartenders there were formerly girls who worked at Billy’s Topless and had a career change forced on them when Gulliani decided that if chemo was going to keep him from getting it up, no one else would either. So, if you’re missing your favorite topless waitress or dancer, check your local bar. If she’s attractive, ask her to flash you. If she doesn’t have you thrown out and beaten, then you’re golden, ponyboy.
4/8/2002
BY THE NUMMERS, BABY
Hanging in at number one and insuring the future of estro-thrillers is Panic Room. These usually do so well I can’t understand why they don’t make more of them. If I were a B or C level actress trying to make A-list, or A-list actress on the verge of becoming B or C, I’d hook up with some stylish director on a script where I kick man-ass, usually defending my family or avenging my man. It’s a license to print money. Oh, wait! Someone did notice, because here at number two is High Crimes, Ashley Judd’s latest movie where she kicks man-ass defending her man (a combination of the two) in a never-ending effort to make this A-list. I’m sure it’s a mystery to her why she can’t quite make it. After all, she’s no less obvious a diva bitch than Jennifer Lopez, but somehow JLo has succeeded where Ashley has failed. Maybe it’s because JLo never pretends to be anything less than the bitch she is, whereas Ashley Judd annoys the hell out of all of us with this bullshit "I’m just a little southern girl, yall" routine. I haven’t mentioned the movie because it’s not worth mentioning. Both she and Morgan Freeman (young, pretty white women can only make movies with Black men too old to fuck them, otherwise the White guys who make these movies get freaked) have gone back to the well once too often in this genre of fighting Evil White Men, who keep women and minorities down. And this movie commits the ultimate sin of not giving the audience the satisfying, yet predictable climax we’ve all paid for.
AS LUKE SKYWALKER ONCE SAID, "I’VE GOT A BAD FEELING ABOUT THIS."
Ice Age is now the biggest movie of 2002. Man, that does not bode well for the rest of this year---in the same way that Shrek’s success didn’t bode well for the rest of 2001 and we know how that year turned out.
SADLY BEING TALENTED DOESN’T GIVE YOU TASTE IN SCRIPTS
The Rookie actually holds up well, only dropping to number four (try and find Death To Smoochy on this top ten), but why is Rachel Griffith in this Disney tripe? I turned to HBO last week to find her masturbating with a showerhead on Six Feet Under (still the most overrated show on television). How can someone like that be in a Disney movie?
"OTTER HE’S THE LADIES MAN…"
National Lampoon’s Van Wilder opens at number five and will they never stop trying to tap the Animal House keg? I mean then even cast Tim Matheson in this (but I forgive him everything, because he was the voice of Johnny Quest). It’ll never work. First of all, talented writers wrote Animal House (Harold Ramis = comedy god). Second, it was based on their own experiences at Dartmouth, not fantasy bullshit concocted by a bunch of losers who never saw sex in college without the aid of extreme alcohol or extreme pity. Third, it had a talented cast. The fact that Tara Reid was cast as a love interest shows you just how formulamatic this truly was. She rivals Cameron Diaz for sheer on-sight skankiness, but at least Cameron Diaz has a nice smile and some degree of comic timing. Apparently she’s upset about her party girl image…then turns up at a party drunk (let’s pretend it’s alcohol) on the floor.
BUT MY FAVORITE GAY PORN MOVIE TITLE WILL ALWAYS BE "LIKE A HORSE"
Clockstoppers is down to number six. Hey, take out one letter and you have a gay porn movie about sexual oppression in the future. Yes, I’m bored with talking about these dumbass movies I’ll never see, which never should have been made.
AND HE WAS AND UGLY BEAST TOO
Blade II is down to number seven and apparently Ron Perlman has found his calling as a bad guy in movies, which makes sense to me, given his "Tom Selleck’s creepy ugly brother" look. Without the makeup he wore on Beauty & The Beast, there’s no way he could ever could have been a romantic lead.
TRUTH IN ADVERTISING PART 19987703
Pushed back by the events of 9-11, Big Trouble opens at number eight and while they might try to blame this failure on the postponement, I can sum it up in two words: Tim Allen. How the fuck does this guy get work? He’s awful. Home Improvement sucked and he sucked on it. And what kind of idiot makes Renee Russo die her hair blonde? Redheads are evil, but Blondes are just stupid, which is a whole other type of badness. I’ll take deliberate, focused evil over the ignorant chaotic evil any day.
AND DON’T GET ME STARTED ON "HOOK"
E.T. is down to number nine and another movie Spielberg can go back and fix is Schindler’s List. Yeah, I said it! Schindler’s fucking List! That segment with the girl in the little red dress has to go. Gee, so you’ve seen The Red Balloon. How unusual for a fucking film student. And that ending…! I can see it now, "Yeah, in real life he was a con man before and after the war, but I want to show him as a man with a deep, deep soul." I’ve got news, for you, geek. Even dickheads can do the right thing. It doesn’t make ‘em deep. Eisenhower was a major asshole, but when the Supreme Court ordered integration, he sent the troops to Little Rock to back it up.
THIS IS THE END, MY FRIEND, THE END
Finally, A Beautiful Mind sees the end of its long visit to the top ten. Good riddance, too, ‘cause I’ve got nothing left to say about it or the people who made it.
THE TRUTH ABOUT OBVIOUS COSEMETIC SURGERY IS OUT THERE
I turned past The X-Files to see plastic surgery/toupee victim, Burt Reynolds, and that was enough to keep me turning.
MYTHERY SUTHPENTH
Whose bright idea was it to let lisping James Patterson read from his own books in those commercials? Hello, every hear of James Earl Jones? He’ll do anything for money.
BUT IT’S STILL BETTER THAN SPACE JAM
The Fish That Saved Pittsburgh turned up on ESPN Classic and when I was a kid, I loved, loved, loved this movie. Now when I watch it I see it’s a bad, bad, bad movie. But Dr. J will always be the man to me. Michael who?
WHERE WAS SHE DURING THE SCOTTISH DAY PARADE YESTERDAY?
Garbage is too young a band (only three albums) to get a Behind The Music, but I so fucking love them I don’t care. Shirley Manson is yet another on the list of unattractive women who somehow manages to be incredibly sexy (I love the "Paranoid" video with her little polka dot panties---yes, I’m a dirty man). And that Scottish accent is damn sure part of it (I’ll admit it: I love Sheen Easton too, not to mention Annie Lennox). My accent-whoredome hasn’t been mentioned here for awhile but that doesn’t mean it’s gone away. Wait, let me get this straight: a white skinned, red-haired person in Scotland is strange? Aren’t they all like this over there? And how many times has the opening riff to Nirvana been used in Behind The Music to indicate a dramatic change? It’s been used in every single episode about any band that died at the beginning of grunge. And where was Shirley Manson’s husband? I know she was married because she discussed it in interviews (after talking about how good she was at giving head). What happened? She’s clearly not wearing a wedding ring. And what happened to her parents? One minute she’s discussing her perfect childhood and the next, they’re gone and only her sister is interviewed.
A NEW GOLDEN AGE OF SLACKERDOM
Well, that’s it. I’ve had a busy week. None of your goddamn business what I’ve been doing.
4/1/2002
"A man has missed something if he has never woken up in an anonymous bed beside a face he’ll never see again and if he has never left a brothel at dawn feeling like throwing himself into the river out of sheer disgust with life." --- Gustave Flaubert
PANIC STRICKEN
Opening at number one is Panic Room, which I should have seen coming. Slick, suspense thrillers that star a woman kicking some ass always do well (Ashley Judd owes her career to them). I’m actually annoyed that I didn’t hate this movie, as I despise David Fincher so much. He’s another one of Ridley Scott’s bastard children more concerned with what shots he can get than with whether or not these swooping, dancing cameras add to the story in anyway. This movie is filled with them and I’d hate to see the ones that were cut out to save time, because god knows the ones left in take an eternity. While there are moments of genuine suspense, the movie fails overall because in a good suspense movie built around one device or circumstance (in this case, an incredible Manhattan townhouse) you leave fearing that device or circumstance. For example: as schlocky as it was, no one was rushing out to cheat on his wife after Fatal Attraction. After seeing this, I still think that was a great place to live and I like the panic room even more. Another crippling aspect to the suspense was that only two of the three bad guys are really bad. Forrest Whittaker plays a softhearted bad guy. When you know he won’t kill, can you really fear the other two (Dwight Yokam and Jared Leto, who are actually very good), over whom he towers? Jodie Foster still looks good in that odd androgynous way she’s always looked good. Perfect casting on the girl who plays her daughter, who has the same look.
IMAGINE THE SABERTOOTH TIGER SINGING, "ICE, ICE BABY…"
Ice Age holds at number two, meaning the animators behind this won’t suffer the fate as those who did Titan A.D. a few years back, also a Fox release (they shut down the whole operation in Arizona). One good thing about this movie: no fucking musical numbers. In fact, the last few major animated releases have all lacked them. Let’s hope this trend continues, ‘cause man those songs do suck.
THE BOYS OF BUMMER
The Rookie opens at number two and this is where the men went while the women were watching Panic Room. A two-hour movie about baseball. The only thing worse I can think of is to actually watch a baseball game. And it’s from Disney no less, so you know it’s saccharine. Granted, it’s based on the true story of a man who became the oldest rookie in baseball history, but so what? That means about as much to me as a golf or ping-pong record. In fact, it means less than ping-pong record, because ping-pong is more exciting to watch than baseball. But did Dennis Quaid ever need this. It’s gotta hurt to watch the man your wife was banging totally eclipse you as an actor. Even at his 80’s shit-eating grin, rippled-abdomen peak, Quaid was never the star Russell Crowe is now. I foresee more G-rated fare from him in the future.
DON’T LOOK FOR A BLADE/X-MEN CROSSOVER ANYTIME SOON
Blade II is down to number four and as a rule, I’m no Howard Stern fan. I was 14 once and once was enough for me. Still, when I flick past his show on E!, I will stop to watch the occasional interesting guest. This weekend, it was Wesley Snipes promoting this movie and they, of course, got into how he once dated Halle Berry and as much as he tried to dodge the questions about her, he wasn’t exactly ashamed of it either (but who would be). And a gentleman would have ignored the question about whether or not she engaged in sodomy, not essentially saying "yes," by not saying "no." This was obviously before his pre-Asian period. Funny how there were no Asian women in Blade II, though. No Asian women. Given how both he and longtime friend Woody Harrelson both go that way (Wesley has children by his golden-hued lover, while Woody married an Asian woman, who, in true rice buster form, is butt-ugly) and how his last film (The Art of War) was pretty much an opportunity for him to have them around and get paid for it, this is unusual.
NOT TO BE CONFUSED WITH "THE FAVOR, THE WATCH & THE VERY BIG FISH"
Clockstoppers opens at number five and while I don’t care the least bit about this, it makes me remember just how much I liked the movie The Girl, The Gold Watch & Everything, which is essentially the same story: someone with a device that stops time. It starred Robert Hays at his Airplane peak and Pam Dawber, who displayed a body that was never seen on Mork & Mindy (trivia facts: she actually started out in the 70’s as a model for Wilhelmina and is now married to Mark Harmon, whose sister married Ricky Nelson and gave birth to his kids Tracey, Matthew & Gunnar). What’s unusual is that the author of that was, Ross MacDonald, the man behind the Lew Archer murder mystery books. Another Trivia fact: MacDonald named his detective Lew Archer after Miles Archer, who was Sam Spade’s partner whose death sets The Maltese Falcon into motion.
THAT PROPELLER SCENE? GOOD CLEAN FUN.
E.T. down to number six and if Spielberg is really so concerned about the fucking kids, why doesn’t he give Raiders of the Lost Ark the "R" rating it deserved in 1981 and still deserves now? They’ve been running it to death on American Movies Classics (and I watch it every fucking time) and it’s still amazingly violent.
A LEAST HE KNOWS PATCH ADAMS WAS WRONG
Death To Smoochy opens poorly at number seven and as imperfect as it is, we should support anything that stops Robin Williams from making those sappy movies he’s been doing for the last few years. This is part one of his redemption trilogy (he’s got two more movies coming where he plays murdering psychos). The problem here lies not just with the script, but with the direction by Danny DeVito. He just doesn’t know how to handle this type of black-humored satire. He totally overlooks the double entendre laden opening song that Robin Williams sings ("…some pitch/and some catch…"), not to mention a half-dozen other jokes. It’s surely not the cast, which aside from Williams includes Ed Norton and one of my personal faves, Catherine Keener. Nope. It’s DeVito. He should stick to acting and producing.
ETC.
A Beautiful Mind hangs in at number eight, followed by We Were Soldiers at number nine.
A MAN’S GOT TO HAVE HIS PRIORITIES
Finally, Showtime closes out the top ten at number ten and my roommate introduced me to one of minor actors in the movie, but I was so intent of getting to the gym, I failed to pump him for information about working with Eddie Murphy and Robert DeNiro. What’s happened to me? The gym!?! The fucking gym!?!
INCLUDE THIS FILM ON THAT LIST OF HUMAN EVIL
Not breaking the top ten and not deserving to is Hal Hartley’s latest, No Such Thing, a tedious mediation on evil in the modern world. Longtime Hartley alum Robert John Burke (now known to the nation as the last guy to fuck Miranda before she gave birth on Sex & The City) plays a monster who has no meaning in a world filled with human horrors. I actually fell asleep once. That never happens. Least of all, in a Hal Hartley movie. Sadly, he’s gone the Woody Allen route of the early 80’s. It’s simply not enough that he’s funny in a way that few are (and I’ll say it again: comedy is the hardest art form), he wants to say something. Jesus. Since I was bored, it quickly became a game of "Spot The Indie Actor" just to hold my interest. Look, there’s Erica Gimpel, best known as the actress who played Coco in the TV version of Fame. Hey, there’s William Sage (better known as the first guy Sarah Jessica Parker slept with on the first episode of Sex & The City) and James Urbaniak (better known as the foot fetishist on Sex & The City), other Hartley alumni. And it’s two hours long. This is one of those movies that only got made because certain governments will give you money so long as you make a movie in their state or country. Iceland probably kicked in money for this because he made it there, because no sane producer would have read this script and backed it.
GRACE FAILS TO GET MARRIED…FOR THE 23RD TIME!
How gay is Will & Grace at times? Jokes about figure skating. You don’t get more gay than that. And I can’t believe this show has been renewed for another three years. That’s even worse than Sex & The City being on for another two. It’s already obvious everyone working on it is bored.
STILL THE BEST YEAR OF MY LIFE
So, I had to break down and buy the latest issue of Playboy after canceling my subscription last year. Why? Well, when I was unemployed for a full year, my days were thus: wake up at noon, eat Fruit Loops and watch Bodyshaping on ESPN2. In case you don’t know what Bodyshaping is, it’s a workout show that is little more than softcore porn and makes no bones about it. The breakout star of this show was Kiana Tom, who later went on to have her own show called "Flex Appeal." Get it? While she was not my favorite (the lovely, all-natural Deprise held that honor), Kiana was not lacking in her own charms, despite the enormous fake breasts. That said, when I saw she had posed for Playboy, I had to have it. As always, there weren’t enough pictures and the lousy photography makes an already plastic woman even moreso. And gee, what a surprise, the centerfold is a blonde with fake breasts and an ugly skank butterfly tattoo on her ass. Didn’t see that coming. There’s also a layout with some girls from MTV’s Real World, but since I’m not a fan, I have no idea who the fuck they are and none of them are particularly attractive. I don’t miss this magazine at all.
SPRING CLEANING
Every few months, I have to go through my video collection and remove those that I’ve replaced on DVD. I also remove those that I know are on DVD because, let’s face it, if I’m going to watch it again, I’ll see it digitally. This time around, however, I started removing films that I’ve held on to for all the wrong reasons, i.e., because a favored actress was naked in them. My space is too small to clutter it with movies simply because Lisa Bonet is naked…or Anne Heche is naked…or Lara Flynn Boyle (pre-skank) is naked…or Roseanna Arquette is naked…on second thought, I’m keeping those Roseanna Arquette movies.
EWWW, EWWW AND YOU GO, BOY!
Tatum O’Neal and Alec Baldwin? Oh, that’s not transparent. Daddy was an asshole with an anger problem, so guess who she dates? John McEnroe and Alec Baldwin. Gee, don’t see any pattern there. And what the fuck is wrong with Harrison Ford? Calista Flockhart? He’s almost 60. Isn’t it a little late for a mid-life crisis? Shouldn’t he have done this 20 years ago? But my hat goes off to John Corbett (fuck Sex & The City, he’ll always be Chris In The Morning to me) who is now dating Bo Derek. She still looks absolutely amazing.
PLUS SHE’LL DO THOSE NUDE SCENES SARAH WON’T
Speaking of Roseanna Arquette, going through her old movies made me realize something that’s bothered me for years. Who does she resemble? Or rather, who resembles her? I finally got it. Sarah Michelle Gellar. This could be her career saver, playing Sarah Michelle Gellar’s mom in movies. Hell, she’s already played Angelina Jolie’s mom in a movie called Hell’s Kitchen.
GUESS WHO’S COMING TO PAY-PER-VIEW?
Am I the only one to be slightly shocked at that cable commercial with the interracial couple? And she’s blonde no less. Think it runs in the south? I doubt it. I’m sure it’s only running on the West Coast and the northeast. Bubba and Zeke ain’t gonna be persuaded to get cable by watching a brutha and blonde and their caramel colored kids.
THE DARK CANINE AVENGER OF THE NIGHT
Yes, there was a Bat-hound. Back in the 50’s, when comics hit their fantasy peak and Batman regularly found himself fighting crime on alien worlds, there was briefly Ace, The Bat-Hound. When the dog on Batman Beyond turned up with that name, I knew there were some old-school geeks working on that show. Know what else came out of the 50’s? Beppo, the Supermonkey; Streaky the Supercat and Comet, the Superhorse. Each and everyone with a little red cape. Both Beppo and Streaky are going to be released as stuff toys this year and I will place them alongside Ace and Krypto (the Superdog) on my shelf. Sadly, Ace had only a limited production, so I can’t buy it for the children of all my friends like I did Krypto. I only have one and it’s mine!
HOLDING A GRUDGE
So, the annual running of The Ten Commandments resumed after skipping a year (much to the chagrin of ABC, which was deluged with complaints) and every year I watch as it is one of the funniest movies ever made. And every year I notice something different. This year it wasn’t the movie per se, but of the concept of being delivered out of slavery being met with so much joy. I shouldn’t say "joy" as much as unconditional joy. I’m sorry, but three thousand years is a bit fucking long to wait. I can’t believe no one was even a little pissed. Hell, Black people didn’t do a tenth of that time, it ended over a century ago and we’re still pissed off! How could the Jews be so understanding? I mean, didn’t anyone ask God just what he was so busy with for three thousand years that he couldn’t set his chosen people free? I can just hear it: "What? Three thousand years? Damn. Man, I’m sorry. I just got caught up in some shit on the other side of the galaxy. You know how that goes. Oh, so you’re still pissed? How about you roam the desert for 40 years? See if that doesn’t readjust your thinking…"
OLD MAN, NEW MUSIC
What’s the only thing more humiliating that getting your new music from MTV? Getting it from a commercial. That said, I’m swimming in humiliation over my love of Dirty Vegas’ song "Days Go By" which is not only used in that Mitsubishi commercial, but they held up the release of their album here in the US so it would coincide with the commercial’s airing. I’m also bothered by my love of Res (pronounced "reese" because she just wants to be difficult). I saw her video for "They Say Vision" late one night on MTV (the only time they actually run videos) and haven’t stopped thinking of it. You can go to her site www.resmusic.com to see and hear it.
…YOU NEVER GO BACK
Finally, as long as we’re on music we must address the public lunch between Alicia Keys and Justin Timberlake. I’m not surprised. First of all, he’s a desperate wannabe soul brother and they like to prove themselves by dating sistas. Also, Britney is seriously thick (for a white girl) and once you’ve had the thickness, you just can’t go back to anything less. If it wasn’t Alicia Keys, it would have been Beyonnce or any other member of Destiny’s Child and if Brandy weren’t married and pregnant, she would have gotten a phone call too.