JUNE ARCHIVE

6/17/2002

"The best pleasures of this world are not quite pure." --- Johann Wolfgang von Goethe

SCOOBY DON’T

Opening at number one is an evil that should not speak its name. Scooby Doo!?! Scooby fucking Doo!?! Now, I was a child of Scooby Doo. I remember getting up Saturday mornings to make a gigantic bowl of sugar frosted whatever that I would refill periodically over the next few hours, until Soul Train signaled the end of the most magical 3-4 hours of the week. Scooby Doo was one of the flagship shows, one that would always be there, when others would wither and fade away (where fore art thou, Hong Kong Phooey? Hardy Boy? Amazing Chan and the Chan Clan?). Yeah, I know it was the same damn thing every week, but that’s what made it comforting. And if it was a guest star episode (Batman, The Harlem Globetrotters), it was even better. That said, there is no reason for this movie to exist. The only possible justification would have been a parody of it, but they chickened out and removed any and all allusions to Velma’s lesbian leanings, the sex life of Fred and Daphne, and Shaggy’s drug use. And you can’t tell them they were wrong. Not with this kind of opening. The good news is, it cost $80M, so there’s still a ways to go before it can truly be called successful. Pray it suffers a tremendous drop-off and thus spares us any sequels. Freddie Prinze’s career was damn near DOA before this weekend, and Mathew Lillard had been replaced by the much better looking Sean William Scott for all doofus sidekick roles. Let’s do what we can to return that status quo and also stop Sarah Michelle Gellar from delusions of big screen grandeur. Remember sweetie, it’s a short step from Sarah Michelle Gellar to Jennifer Love Hewitt and it’s all down.

BOURNE, JASON BOURNE. NAH, IT’S NOT THE SAME.

The Bourne Identity opens at number two now both Matt Damon and Ben Affleck have dusted off a Cold War literary hero to have their own action franchises. Of the two, I enjoyed this one more. Maybe it was the totally European setting or the fact that this movie actually had a real director (Doug Liman, who directed Go and Swingers) or the fact that unlike Jack Ryan, Jason Bourne is trained to kick a little ass and does so. Also, though less conventionally attractive, Franka Potente is much more interesting than Bridget Moynahan. I guess the idea was to make Matt Damon more attractive in comparison, but it’s not working kids. Whatever his appeal to you, you’re lying if say he’s good looking. He’s not. The story of a super-secret agent who loses his memory in a botched job and struggles to find out who he is while ducking assassination attempts, the movie has one tremendous logical plot flaw. Matt Damon finds he has a safe deposit box with a gun, thousands of dollars in various currencies and dozens of fake identities, yet it never occurs to either him or Franka that he might be a spy. Even when he displays a variety of butt-kicking skills and the ability to speak a dozen languages (not to mention tie a mean fishing knot) it still never occurs to him that he works for someone’s government. Hello? Have these people never seen a movie? Read a book? This movie also has a better supporting cast, consisting of Clive Owen, Brian Cox (playing another CIA heavy), Chris Cooper, and Julia Stiles as apparently, the only teen operative in the CIA.

AN ILL WIND THAT BLOWS CLICHES…AND SOMETIMES JUST BLOWS

Windtalkers opens at number three and its pretty much every war movie you’ve ever seen in your life, complete with the same dumb dialogue. Then again, good dialogue has never been a hallmark of a John Woo film, even back in his Hong Kong days. A bigger Hollywood budget hasn’t inspired him to hire better writers. Based on a true story of Navajo codetalkers, whose native tongue was used to inspire the only unbroken code of WWII, it adds to the mix the idea that bodyguards would have been assigned to these men and have orders to kill them if captured. That gives us two interesting ideas wasted. Let’s face it, if you’ve seen even one war movie, you know that if two guys share a moment playing harmonica together, they’re dead. You also know that the guy who asks his buddy to take his wedding ring back to his wife is also toast. This movie changes none of that. Nicholas Cage is a good actor. That has never been in doubt and even in this movie, there are scenes that make you remember that, even through the dumb dialogue. And this is supposedly a comeback of sorts for Christian Slater. Well, judging by the poor opening of this, I’d have to say better luck next time, buddy. And yes, there is a scene in this movie where two guys point guns at each other. No John Woo film is complete without it.

OTTER, PINTO, BOONE AND FLOUNDER ARE ALL STILL WORKING TOO

The Sum of All Fears is down to number four and for a movie about terrorists setting off a nuclear bomb on American soil (in the book, the terrorists were Arab), it’s doing very well. I think it’s the same impulse that had people renting movies about death and destruction after 9-11. We want to see these situations within a context of evil being defeated and everything working out in the end, because here in the land of dirty bomb and color-coded terror alerts, that sure as hell ain’t happening. For me personally, I like any mainstream movie where Liev Schreiber lives to see the end. This is a bit of a franchise move for him as well, as the character he plays is the younger version of the character William Dafoe played in A Clear & Present Danger. Also in this movie is the ubiquitous Bruce McGill, better known to us all as D-Day from Animal House.

THE VIEW FROM THE MOUNTAINTOP

The Divine Secrets of The Ya-Ya Sisterhood is down to number five and so much for non-diva behavior. Any attempt to get all the stars of this together in one place to promote it has failed miserably. You have to wonder what Academy Award winning actress Elle Burstyn and two-time Academy Award winner Maggie Smith have to think about Sandra Bullock and the diva wannabe, Ashley Judd. Given that it was Ashley Judd who couldn’t get her plans in line with Ellen Burstyn’s, I’d have think "silly little bitch" was the phrase of the day.

THIS IS WHY I LOOK FOR LOVE AMONGST CHEERLEADERS

Star Wars Episode II: Attack of the Clones is down to number six and I am vexed. I’m so terribly vexed at how some of my favorite geek girls love this piece of crap. There aren’t many things I rely on in this world, but the taste of my geek girls is one of them and now even that is gone. Sigh. I’m truly alone in the universe now.

DIRTY OLD MEN, PART. 28948

Spider-Man is down to number seven and not that I needed any more proof that Esquire is the magazine of male menopause, but the fact they put 19-year-old Kirstin Dunst on the cover should prove it to anyone. She’s less than half the fucking age of its average reader. When they see her they should be thinking, "Damn. Gotta send my daughter’s tuition check in this week." Yeah, I know she’s pushing a film, but so were Ashley Judd (35) and Sandra Bullock (who’s fucking 40 if she’s a day, I don’t care what she says), but I guarantee you a cover with either of them (or even both) never came up.

THOSE WHO FORGET THE PAST ARE DOOMED TO A FUTURE IN SITCOMS

Bad Company is down to number six and ten years ago Chris Rock was a comedian on the verge of a breakthrough that he sabotaged with a series of horrible movie choices. Guess what? Between this and Down to Earth, he’s doing it again and there’s a world of difference between failing at 26 and failing at 36. Trust me on this one. Trivia note: the female CIA agent in this movie is the kidnapped girl from Silence of the Lambs. Just thought you’d like to know.

THE REST

Spirit: Stallion of the Cimarron is down to number nine, followed by Undercover Brother at number ten and almost every week David Chapelle’s stand up "Killing Them Softly" runs at least once on HBO and I always, always watch it.

NO, IT’S NOT ABOUT GETTING GROPED BY PRIESTS

Not breaking the top ten and not deserving to is The Dangerous Lives of Altar Boys. Why not? Well, stop me if you’ve seen this movie before: two best friends in adolescence. One quiet and artistic, one more outgoing and trouble prone. They battle with authority figures, the quiet one meets a girl and in the end, their activity leads to trouble that will define them forever. If your know that story then you’ve seen this movie. I knew how it was going to end the moment the climatic device is introduced into the movie, so from that point on it was just a matter of how they handled all the other cliches I’d have to go through to get there. They even have cliché of the slutty girl who’s that way because of incest (of course she attempts suicide). The only interesting spin they put on it is that she may have instigated it with her older brother and not the other way around. Even the device of using their comic book creations to mirror their own lives is an old one. There’s absolutely nothing new here and god knows I didn’t need a montage of "boys being boys" where they drink, smoke and play air guitar. Jodie Foster plays their nemesis, the one-legged nun, with no interesting flair and an Irish accent that she discards after one scene, while Vincent D’Onofrio manages to make the most of his few moments as a chain-smoking priest.

GONNA LEARN ABOUT REAL SEX IN PRISON

I missed this last week, but I can’t tell you how happy it made me to see R. Kelly arrested. This fool is so going down, I can’t even tell you. Even if he beats this rap, the lawsuits alone will bleed him dry. And good riddance too. Unfortunately, Black culture being what it is, he can always use it for a comeback. If he does time, he’ll only gain more credibility amongst certain morons and I guarantee you the subsequent album will be about "those bitches trying to destroy me" which appeal to the self-same morons. Sigh. Just thinking about how likely this is to happen is starting to depress me.

IMAGINE HOW THOSE PEOPLE WHO HATE THE SOPRANOS MUST FEEL

Speaking of morons in your own ethnic group, how embarrassing is it to be Italian and see those morons mourn John Gotti? He was a fucking gangster! Not a pussy gangsta, like your average rapper, who, at best maybe sold a little rock, but a real fucking gangster who murdered, stole, blackmailed, defrauded and extorted on a daily basis for years. His lingering, awful, deserving death in prison almost makes me believe there’s a God. As for Gulliani’s observation that former commissioner Benjamin Ward not getting a tenth of this attention, well, I hate to say it, but unlike Ward, Gotti was good at what he did.

THEN AGAIN, SHE THINKS SPIKE LEE DESERVES AN OSCAR

I realized later last week that Brittany Murphy stars in 8 Mile with Eminem, hence her enthusiasm for him at the movie awards. Chances are he’s probably already tapped that. That is, unless you believe those rumors about him and Kim Basinger. I refuse to believe she’d sink that low.

ONCE MORE INTO THE BREACH…

Oops, I did it again. They lowered the price of the Playstation 2, so I had to buy it again. Also, that sex thing wasn’t working out for me, so I’ve decided to return to my reclusive ways (though Former Wild Child did make an offer of something weird, but it’s bad to have sex with your friends, especially when it’s weird). Also, I’ve suffered over the last six months, denying myself the toys I want because I’ve got to pay my fucking therapist. So, like my father who once got so frustrated with his limited income that he went out and bought a new car, I did this. But I suffer from the worst buyer’s remorse in history. As soon as I bought it, I began second guessing myself, thinking of all the constructive things could have bought and the bills I should have paid, had I not bought this toy that will only consume time and money on a daily basis. But I’m keeping it this time. Already I’m in love with Spyhunter, which gives me my favorite gaming activity: a fast car with guns and rockets on it. The only thing it’s lacking is racing or fighting other cars with guns and rockets on them. I don’t like sports games, because I can play sports (can too!), but what I cannot do is drive around Manhattan at 120 mph with rocket launcher on the hood.

FOOTBALL? NO WAY! MEN PLAY FOOTBALL, PUSSIES PLAY SOCCER

So, I’m called out of my house and away from my Playstation 2 by my roommate to rescue her from our French neighbor in a bar. Of course, I’ve got nothing to say, so I force conversation about the World Cup, which I could give a damn about. Let’s face it: soccer is stupid. We don’t like it because it’s stupid. A game where the big twist is that you don’t use your hands. Oooh. You’re so skilled. It’s like teaching a dog to walk on his hind legs. What’s the point? He’s got four legs for a fucking reason! We’ve got hands for a fucking reason! Stupid, stupid game.

FOREVER MY GIRL

I cannot watch American Idol. It’s too painful. Sorry. I did try. I really did. But when I wasn’t cringing in pain at the sight of the losers, I was feeling dirty and old at the sight of some incredibly beautiful 18-year-old girls in midriffs. Pain and guilt. I can do without them. But I still love Paula Abdul. She’s the ultimate cheerleader.

06/10/2002

"The duration of passion is proportionate with the original resistance of the woman." --- Honore de Balzac

DRIVING DR. RYAN

The Sum of All Fears holds at number one and one constant of all the Jack Ryan movies is the Major Black Actor. James Earl Jones was in the first and in Patriot Games it was James Earl Jones and Samuel L. Jackson (who couldn’t be bothered to play second banana to Harrison Ford a second time and never returned). It was just James Earl Jones in A Clear And Present Danger (where he died) and now it’s just Morgan Freeman in this one. In each and every case, they have more presence than the leading man (granted, that not saying much when it’s Harrison Ford and Ben Affleck). But to be fair, just who in the world could take a scene away from James Earl Jones or Samuel L. Jackson or Morgan Freeman? And given that Samuel L. Jackson was in Changing Lanes with Ben Affleck and Michael Clarke Duncan will be with him in Daredevil, I think it’s safe to say Ben Affleck has realized his limitations and has exchanged Matt Damon (with whom he’s supposedly feuding right now) for having a brutha at his back.

SEE, I’M NOT AS GAY AS YOU THINK

Divine Secrets of The Ya-Ya Sisterhood opens at number two and I was really planning to see this, I really was, but the little voice in side my head pointed out that no movie with both Ashley Judd and Sandra Bullock could ever be good. I never read the two books this movie is based on, nor do I plan to (my next book will we about that French woman who fucked everybody). I have nothing against chick flicks. I own far too many to ever make that claim. No, I’ve got a problem with Southern cuteness. A group of Southern girls who form something called "Ya-Ya" ? Give me a fucking break. Granted the woman who wrote this is from the South, but it’s Louisiana which is a whole ‘nother world. It’s got that whole French influence. Plus, this woman is Catholic. Combine the South, France and Catholicism and you get something I really don’t want any part of. Just dealing with one is has been a lifetime struggle for me already. Plus, I saw "colorful" older Southern women in the trailer, which is as clear a warning as you can get.

A BUNCH OF LOSERS…FOR ME TO POOP ON!

Star Wars Episode II: Attack of the Clones is down to number three and I hate Conan O’Brien. I believe he’s a talented enough writer/producer (he was part of The Simpsons writing staff, which is proof of greatness), but he has no business in front of the camera. That said, the only justifiable reason for that show to exist is Triumph The Insult Dog. I recently had two different people give me the link to watch Triumph rip into the losers in line to see Star Wars (the peak moment is when they have Mr. Spock walk down the line and flip off all the geeks). Now, costumes I understand, but what’s with the re-enacting scenes from the movie while it plays right behind you? Wouldn’t you rather just watch the fucking movie (then again, it was The Phantom Menace)? And they aren’t even gay camp fun reenactments, like The Sound of Music. I think it’s safe to say that no one who has ever had sex would ever, ever do that. If you’d like to see it, it’s at www.ifilm.com.

AT LEAST THEY DIDN’T USE THE SONG

Opening at number four is Bad Company and I have to say that, without a doubt, Chris Rock is the worst comedian/actor ever. I mean ever. Adam Sandler is fucking Oliver next to this guy. David Spade is suddenly like DeNiro. Usually, when comedians make the transition to movies, they essentially play themselves, so there’s no acting concern to think of. Chris Rock plays himself and he still sucks. Anytime he tries to speak a line in any voice other than his own, he sounds like someone who learned English phonetically. The movie hardly helps him. It’s one of those processed formula Hollywood movies that justifies painfully boring six hour French art films where everyone dies in the end. This movie is so aimed at the lowest common audience-pleasing denominator that it’s painful. Anthony Hopkins is supposedly playing a career CIA agent (whose English accent is never explained), but he can’t seem to understand that one person isn’t worth a thermonuclear device in the hands of terrorists. When his boss tells him that Chris Rock may have to die in order to recover the bomb, he acts like this some sort of evil plan, when it actually makes complete and total sense. The committee that put this script together filled it with incredibly stupid "watch the funny brutha with the uptight white man" dialogue and scenes, but there’s just one problem: the Chris Rock character is an idiot. He’s supposed to be a chess whiz who’s taking his dead twin brother’s place for the CIA, but for someone who understands a game of tactics, he’s a complete moron when placed in the game of espionage. In this type of movie the streetwise character is supposed to be able to excel in his new environment because of lessons learned in the street. For example: Eddie Murphy in 48 Hours could act like a cop, having been a criminal. Chris Rock’s character has so such edge (can’t fight, can’t shoot), so he spends the movie being pretty much a liability to the mission. And worst of all, he’s not at all funny. How unfunny is he? Remember that "I’ll eat a pig’s butt if they cook it right," joke from CB4 over ten years ago? It’s here in this movie. That’s how bad it is.

ETC.

Spider-Man is down to number five followed by Spirit: Stallion of the Cimarron at number six.

THE UPSIDE IS I’M EQUALLY CLOSE TO DAVE CHAPELLE AND JERI RYAN

Undercover Brother is down to number seven and my degree of separation from Eddie Griffin is as follows: in this film with him is, Chi McBride (better known as the principal on Boston Public) who was once in a band with my friend, O.G. (Original Geek), whom I’ve known since I was 15 years old (we met when he noticed me reading comic books in public).

UM, THE SCENERY IS NICE

Insomnia is down to number eight and at the best part of this film is the opening shot of a small plane flying over Alaskan tundra. It’s fucking beautiful. It’s all downhill from there, though seeing the wonderful Moria Tierney even in a small role is nice.

THE NATURAL ORDER IS THREATENED

Enough is down to number nine and supposedly it’s over for JLo’s marriage. This may come as a surprise, but I was hoping she’d go the distance with that guy (even though a teenager could tell you he was just Transitional Guy). Why? Because I hate Puffy so goddamn much. When ugly guys with no talent get the best women, what’s the point in any of us going to the gym or developing our wit or starting a band? If it’s over and she goes back to that ugly, talentless bastard, it will cause a rethinking of all the rules of male competition for the hot babes (however, you ugly broads will still be in the same boat).

BECAUSE SEX COMES BEFORE CHILDREN

Finally, About A Boy closes out the top ten and I swear I will finish reading this book (right after I read that one about the French woman who fucks everybody).

AND I THINK "WINDY" IS ABOUT SADO-MASOCISTIC SEX

Not breaking the top ten and not deserving to is Cherish, the second feature from writer/director Finn "Dream With The Fishes" Taylor. It’s your typical estro-thriller (the "strong, smart women vs. jerk men who underestimate them" films done in a medicore fashion by Jennifer Lopez and Ashley Judd, but done well by Jodie Foster) but done indie style with a slight comic twist. Unfortunately, an essential part of these films is that glossy, big-budget sheen and its loss is sadly fatal here. Robin Tunney plays an introverted computer animator who finds solace in AM pop radio. When she finds herself framed for the murder of a traffic cop, she’s placed under electronic bracelet house arrest until her trial. Needless to say, the incarceration time makes her into a stronger, better person, more resistant to physical pain, who eventually making her hunt down the man who framed her and ruined her life. The film’s soundtrack is chock full of 70’s and 80’s pop hits, but the production would have been better served if they’d saved all that music licensing money and put it back into the production. Also, a larger, riskier budget might have forced the producers to realize that Taylor was not the man to direct his own script, not to mention allowing for a much needed rewrite. Jason Priestly is here, still searching for indie cred, but only showing how bloated he’s become since he was the Dawson of his day. Remember kids: don’t drink and do drugs. They make you ugly, which is worse than death. Needless to say, the song "Cherish" is in the movie, but does anyone really know how dark the lyrics to that song really are. Listen to the bridge. It’s about the singer realizing just how shallow his affections really are. And apparently, "Along Comes Mary" is about getting high.

YOU SCREAM, I SCREAM WE ALL SCREAM…’CAUSE WE’RE FAT FROM EATING ICE CREAM

Evil has a name and its name is the latest flavor from Ben & Jerry, sent up from the depths of hell to destroy me. Years ago they had a flavor called Deep Chocolate Fudge (which sounds like gay porn, I know) which consisted of (obviously) deep chocolate with a fudge swirl in the middle. I loved it. Of course I could loved it. This was back in the days when I still had a working metabolism. When they stopped making it, I missed it terribly---until Haagen Daz ripped them off and made it too. It wasn’t as good, but I ate it anyway. Then it vanished and since I’m not a big ice cream eater, I was able to leave the evil behind me. Sure, Ben & Jerry’s Triple Caramel Chunk (caramel ice cream, caramel swirls with little chunks of chocolate covered caramel) and Vanilla Fudge Swirl (fudge and caramel swirls in vanilla) were threats, but neither of them had enough chocolate to captivate me. Unfortunately, that has ended. Karamel Sutra is chocolate ice cream and caramel ice cream with chocolate chips over a core of pure caramel. Damn them! Damn them all to hell! I’m currently buying a pint a day.

LESS FUN WITH EVERY PASSING YEAR

The MTV Movie Awards. Let’s get started, shall we?…Sharon Osbourne is now the new model for my wife…I still can’t believe that ugly fat bastard is doing the wonderful Laura Kightlinger…I love Buffy The Vampire Slayer and I love Will & Grace, but I’ve come to realize that Sarah Michelle Gellar and Debra Messing are a couple of serious princesses who would cause me to slit my wrists over dinner. Without acting, they’d be just like that skank on The Hamptons who was scheming for a boyfriend…When did Mandy Moore actually turn into someone good looking? Kelly Osbourne is right when she says short, dark hair works for her …On the other side, Brittany Murphy went total blonde skank. And given her enthusiasm for Eminem, what are the chances she was looking at ceiling of his hotel room later on?…The White Stripes? Please, when I want to hear The Buzzcocks sing "Orgasm Addict" I’ll listen to The Buzzcocks sing "Orgasm Addict" and not their version of it…It must really annoy Hilary Swank that Jennifer Garner, someone who could pass for her sister, gets total babe props while she does not. I know I don’t understand it…he can thank her all she wants, but I still don’t believe that the marriage of Will Smith and Jada Pinkett is real. Real hetero couples don’t act like that. It’s overkill…I’ll say it again: Vin Diesel is black. If he let his hair grow back, you’d be able to see that…what’s with Katie Holmes and Lil Bow Wow on the floor? What genius thought that up?…Could Ewan McGregor have been less interested in helping Nicole Kidman run her bullshit act of "how happy she is now that she’s single"? He let her little complaint about winning Best Kiss just die on the vine. I love him for that…Matt Damon and Ben Affleck are at the same event but never together…those Beyonnce as a blonde commercials are just ugly…Martin Lawrence remains as unfunny as ever, dressed like Eddie Murphy was 15 years ago…Kelly Osbourne doing "Papa Don’t Preach." What can I say? The camp value alone has assured her a future as a gay male icon…Winona Ryder with that desperate Judy Garland "Please somebody love" smile on her face. Unlike me, it seems she gains weight while under stress. I’m not saying she’s fat. Far from it, but like the rest of us, she now has to learn to keep that stomach under wraps now. Notice how Adam Sandler isn’t tucking his shirt in…Speaking of getting fat, Mike Myers sure as hell isn’t missing any meals. Holy shit….Thank god I taped this. Less than half an hour and I’ve been through the whole thing.

DINNER WITH ACTORS…ANOTHER WORD FOR HELL

So, I finally caught a little of that "Dinner For Five" show on IFC, where Jon Favereau literally has dinner with four other actors. Only an idiot would think this was a good idea. Sorry, though I do acknowledge that acting is an art form (and I’m not just saying that because I’m afraid my actress roommate will kill me in my sleep), they are still the lowest rung on the cinematic food chain to me, so getting four of them to sit around and talk about art is the most annoying idea possible (Favereau writes and directs, so he’s a little more than just an actor). How about having people who actually create things? Hell, the set and costume designers bring more to the table than the actor does. Yeah, an actor can help to create his or her character, but only after a writer truly creates it. After that a director tells him how to behave and there’s even someone even fucking dressing them. How can their thoughts and ideas on movie-making even remotely be interesting in comparison to these people? Granted it won’t be the most attractive group of people in the world, but who would you rather talk to about The Matrix? Keanu Reeves, Carrie Anne-Moss, Lawrence Fishburne and Joe Pantoliano OR the two Wachowski Brothers who created the idea, production designer who created the look and Woo Ping Yuen who choreographed the fights? All we want from actors is to tell us who you fucked while filming. That’s all we really care about.

6/3/2002

"I’ve got sagging breasts and a low-slung ass…but I can still get men." --- Edith Piaf

IF HE WANTS INDIANA JONES TOO, I’M COOL WITH THAT

The Sum of All Fears opens up at number one and this is the fourth film of the Tom Clancy Jack Ryan series and the first executively produced by Clancy himself. Now, Clancy never liked Harrison Ford. He thought he was too old and I agree with him, so I didn’t mind Ben Affleck taking over the role. As far as its place in the series goes, I’d have to place this at number three. The best one was obviously The Hunt For Red October (the most star-studded and which had the only real director, John McTiernan), Patriot Games was second (I actually read this book) and A Clear And Present Danger was number four (the movie’s message: Boring White Guys in Suits are Good; Latinos in Designer Clothes are Bad). The problem with Sum of All Fears is that it’s a bit of a sprawling story, but to its credit, I was never bored. Needless to say, to watch a successful terrorist attack on American soil is mucho creepy now. Whereas before it was funny as hell to watch certain cities annihilated, now you just check for post disaster accuracy (where’s the loss of essential civil rights by a reactionary government?). Also, it’s hardly an action movie. It attempts to be suspenseful, but how can it be? We know it’s not going to end in war, so the only question is when and how will the bad guys be stopped. That’s another problem, there’s no real hero vs. villain showdown here. Just "Hero Deals With Shit Unleashed by Bad Guy." Affleck is fine as Ryan, but that’s only because Clancy never wrote a three-dimensional character when just two dimensions would do. You don’t need to Olivier for that. Just be happy when Morgan Freeman is onscreen demonstrating what innate charisma can do even with a simple script.

HE SO DESERVED TO GET BEATEN UP IN HIGH SCHOOL

Star Wars Episode Two Attack of the Clones is down to number two and the title is misleading. The clones never attack the good guys, but are actually used by the good guys to attack someone else in the end. Sigh. I’m running out of ways to describe just how much George Lucas sucks. Oh, here’s another reason to hate him: he’s never going to release the original versions of Star Wars on DVD. He considers the "special editions" the official versions now, which means if you ever hoped to see Han Solo shoot first in digital clarity, either hold on to your laser discs or get a DVD bootlegged off the laser disc.

MY SPIDER SENSE IS TINGLING---DO THE NUMBERS ADD UP?

Spider-Man is down to number three, but now up to $350M. But is it enough? According to Time Magazine, Spider-Man cost $120 to make and $50M was spent marketing it. At $170M, it has to make $510 to truly be called profitable. Given the lack of a decent action movie until July, it actually might make it. Until geeks find something else they can see over and over to ease the pain of not having a girlfriend, this will just have to do (especially when the central character is a geek who doesn’t have a girlfriend).

I SAY "BLACK" BECAUSE "AFRO-AMERICAN" JUST TAKES TOO LONG

Undercover Brother opens at number four and it’s not the big jokes in this movie that work so much as it is the combination of all the little ones. Thankfully, they never really stop coming, otherwise you’d be forced to focus on just how un-fucking-funny and disgusting Eddie Griffin truly is. I swear the man looks like he has a layer of slime on him at all times. This in the first movie I’ve seen him in where they seem to have washed it off. Based on an internet cartoon that doesn’t seem to realize how stupid it is to take itself seriously (he actually kills people in the internet version), the movie doesn’t make that mistake and a large portion of the film is laughing at Undercover Brother’s retro obsession. The other half of the film is nothing but jokes about Black culture vs. White culture, without the awareness that what is Black culture quickly becomes just American culture and then world culture (can you say "jazz?" "rock ‘n roll" "hip-hop?"). A joke about N’Sync being white doesn’t work, because they are trying so desperately to be Black. However, jokes about auto racing and Riverdance being undeniably White, go over. For me, the movie was all about David Chapelle. He couldn’t be unfunny if you put him in Schindler’s List. I hope Eddie Giffin was paying attention. As far as Denise Richards having her ass blown up for the ad goes…honey, if you actually had an ass, they wouldn’t have had to do it. That’s a stereotype she sadly confirms in this movie (and one that Britney Spears broke in hers).

BUT SHE’S GOT A GREAT PERSONALITY

Spirit: Stallion of the Cimarron is down to number five, followed by Insomnia at number six, which took more than a 50% drop, making Hilary Swank wonder just what she has to do to actually be a star even though she’s already won an Academy Award. And it’s not like it was Best Supporting Actress either, it was the big prize. I think it’s sadly time to call a spade a spade and just flat out state why it hasn’t done much for her: she ain’t pretty. Sorry, but she’s not. There’s a reason she made a good boy. This kind of kills her for consideration for starring opposite a male lead romantically. Also, she’s over 30 and as we all know, leading men only want female leads who are a decade their junior---unless they’re former models (Rene Russo, Andie McDowell, Sharon Stone).

WE COULD CALL IT "I’M REAL" SO WE COULD USE HER SONG

Enough is down to number seven and this is yet another mediocre performing film for Jennifer Lopez. How many chances is she going to get? And how long before her primary audience turns on her? A young minority audience is only going to watch her play "White" for so long. She needs to play a hot-blooded Latina from the Bronx who falls for an uptight Latino from the suburbs (played by Benjamin Bratt) and takes him away from his skinny, flat-assed blonde girlfriend. That would be money in the bank.

SO GOOFY LOOKING, BUT STILL PRETTIER THAN HIS WIFE

About A Boy is down to number eight, followed by Unfaithful at nine, which has Mr. Hillary Swank, Chad Lowe, in a small role. I certainly hope that he was deliberately made to look this dweeby.

NO WAY THIS IS BETTER THAN A RERUN OF…ANYTHING

The New Guy closes out the top ten and with all the other films in this top ten, why the hell would anyone go to see this? Who thought this would somehow be better than watching TV?

IGNORE THE LAME POSTER AND DO WHAT I TELL YOU

Not breaking the top ten is The Next Big Thing a smart little comedy about art fraud. Contain your enthusiasm. Actually, it’s not a bad little film starring one of my favorite indie actors, Chris Eigeman (Metropolitan, Barcelona, Last Days of Disco), who like Martin Donavan, plays the smartest misanthropes around. He plays a struggling artist who has a painting stolen by the same guy who lifts his wallet. The thief (another one of Richard Harris’s acting sons, Jamie) makes up an elaborate story about the painter that so he can trade it to his landlord in lieu of rent. When this same story later causes the painting to be sold for $10,000, he talks Eigeman into going along with this scheme to sell more paintings. Sure enough, the scam works (with the help of a corrupt private detective, whose calculating greed is only exceeded by Eigeman’s ex-girlfriend , who shows up and blackmails him into a wedding) and the fictional artist becomes the toast of the art world---until the real artist gets frustrated with being an unknown and falls in love with an art critic (played by Connie Britton). I personally could have used more romantic comedy and less art satire, but that’s were all the best jokes are so, I’ll let it go. And you have to see this movie. The male half of The Young Married Couple worked on it, so I need it to make a little money. See, when your friends make it they can then give you a job where you make $100K a year getting them frozen yogurt.

UGLY ON THE INSIDE AND YOU KNOW WHAT, THEY AREN’T ALL THAT PRETTY ON THE OUTSIDE EITHER

I despise the Hamptons and the people who go there, so I watched the first part of The Hamptons documentary with unmitigated glee, because I knew there were going to be shown for the assholes they really are. I was not disappointed. It was "loser" from the word "go."… lonely, professional women and the loser men they have to choose from for a mate: sorry ass frat boys who can’t seem to understand college is over. I haven’t seen such a collection of date rapists since the audience of an Adam Sandler concert. And note the ethnic diversity or lack thereof…what is it with this guy and his dog? The dog is sick and in pain and doesn’t know what happening to him. Put him to sleep! Don’t make him suffer because you’re a lonely old queen…the only thing worse than the so-called elite on the inside are the desperate fuckers on the outside trying to get in. Does this loser extolling the virtues of a club he can’t get into know how he looks? He finally gets in, but not before recording for eternity just how sad he is. And that "dreadlock ponytail" he’s got. Oh, yeah, that’s what women want…Nicky Hilton. As if you needed more proof that money can’t buy class…Candace Bushnell’s book party. Notice how none of the Sex & The City people are there. That’s because Darren Star went out of his way to separate the show from her…is it just me, or do these guys seem gay? The lilt in their voices, the perfect hair. If they didn’t all have the beginnings of a double chin, I’d say for sure they were all in the closet…okay, I’m straight, but those dresses were beautiful. This designer, however, is cracking me. Yes, I know I’m one to talk, but watching this brutha leaning to ride is cracking me up. A cowboy, yes (by the way, cowboys are by definition Black; it was an insult created by the White men at the time who called themselves "cattlemen"), but equestrians? All people who think their horses love them are insane. How much would you love someone who denied you freedom, rode on your back and jerked your head around to make you go where the wanted to go. That doesn’t inspire love, kids…Wait, an old Black woman who says she’s been there all her life and all her kids were born there?…what is it about Christie Brinkley’s genes that her daughters always look like their less-attractive daddies?…okay, I ‘m getting bored and who is this skinny skank with the mane of curly hair who might as well be wearing a shirt that reads, "Will Blow For Drinks."…jeez, Russell "Mushmouth" Simmons and his child bride and then it gets even Blacker with Puffy and Jay-Z…which leads us to Lizzie Grubman. I didn’t care when it happened and I could care even less now. You know, if you weren’t waiting outside trying to get into the fucking place, you wouldn’t have gotten run over by one of the people you wanted to be…it’s two parts!?! I don’t know if I can put up with another two hours of this. It’s not that entertaining.

WHY MEN RUN THE PLANET, PART 90249823

I would no more watch Bachelorettes in Alaska than I did The Bachelor. It’s the same thing: pathetic women desperate to get married. Having them as the choosers rather than the chosen doesn’t remove that sad, desperate air. Supposedly men outnumber the women in Alaska 8-1, so they’re hard up for companionship. Here’s an idea: LEAVE FUCKING ALASKA! And that proves my point. The women never really have the advantage, because men won’t even leave a fucking frozen wasteland for them. They, on the other hand, hauled their asses up to the top of the world, they’re so desperate.

THE BEST THINGS IN LIFE ARE FREE/BUT YOU CAN SAVE THEM FOR THE BIRDS AND BEES…

So I made the colossal mistake of actually exchanging salary information with a close friend of mind who works in the financial arena. I don’t know which was more humiliating: her horrified response at discovering how little I actually make or the fact that she makes two-and-a-half times more than I do. Okay, suddenly being the master of internet porn no longer sounds like such a bad occupation.