7/29/2002
"It’s not lying. It’s a gift for fiction." --- William H. Macy
in "State & Main" written by David Mamet
DO I MAKE IT FUNNY, BABY? NO, YOU DON’T.
To no one’s surprise, Austin Powers in Goldmember opens huge at number
one, and while better than the second film, this is still a pathetic waste
of time. Outside of three actual moments of comic inspiration, it is a
never-ending series of ad placements and scatological humor. In Wayne’s
World, Mike Myers mocked product placement in an extended bit. Here, the
endless shots of PepsiCo products (complete with their pitchwoman, Britney
Spears) is presented without irony. And while he doesn’t sink as low as
the shit-drinking joke from The Spy Who Shagged Me, he still finds endless
fascination with jokes about peeing and smelly underwear. And the concept
of having any plot at all hasn’t occurred to him since the first movie.
But as I said, there were three actual moments of comic inspiration. First
is the superstar cameo-filled opening sequence, which is funny---almost
as funny as the lower-wattage version of it done by Pee Wee’s Big Adventure
17 years ago. The second moment is a flashback of Austin Powers and Dr.
Evil at spy school when they were kids. In a rare moment of restraint,
this bit actually leaves you wanting more rather than questioning why
it’s still going on (like 90% of all the other jokes). The third and final
moment of actual comic inspiration is actually a rehash of the only funny
bit from the second movie: Dr. Evil breaks out rapping. It was funnier
the first time because it was totally unexpected. It’s still funny this
time because it’s Jay-Z’s "Hard Knock Life" completely with the rap video
staple of topless women with their breasts pixilated out. The only non-comedic
moment of inspiration is Beyonce Knowles. Having seen her wooden performance
in MTV’s Carmen, I feared the worse, but she’s actually appealing in the
little Pam Grier parody she’s supposed to be doing. Not to mention being
fucking stunning. As always, I feel dirty looking at young girls, but
it’s not the Britney Spears type of dirty, because I pretty much ignored
the first few years of Destiny’s Child, so I never saw her as a little
girl.
NOT THAT IT’S MUCH BETTER
The Road To Perdition is down to number two after being the actual number
one movie last week. I’m told by a source in the know (who I was supposed
to get drunk with in the Bahamas this week) that Max Allan Collins actually
stole this plot from someone else. If true, I’m not surprised. Like I
said, his Batman stories sucked, so it would make sense his only good
idea came from someone else. Yes, we’re all about slander here.
TWO GREAT TRAGEDIES
Stuart Little II is down to number two and this is a bit sad because this
is a failure for Michael J. Fox who needs all the success he can get right
now The other sad bit is that none of you fuckers have bought me my canary
yet.
AND PATRICE RUSHEN COULD USE ANOTHER CHECK
Men In Black II is down to number four and I’m getting worried that this
might actually break even. It’s almost up to $200M domestic and you know
those freaking foreigners are going to go see it in droves. But hey, that
lame ass theme song certainly did tank, didn’t it? Will Smith was bragging
that he didn’t use samples. Well, buddy, without Jay-Z writing for you,
samples are all you’ve got going.
TICK, TICK, TICK…
K-19 The Widomaker is down to number five letting Harrison Ford know he’d
better get that Indiana Jones sequel up and running quick because his
time as a lead is just about up.
IT COULD HAVE BEEN WORSE. IT COULD HAVE BEEN THAT TEA CUP RIDE
The Country Bears opens at number five and this is an example of why I
hate Disney. Why does this even exist? More importantly, if they had to
make a movie about a theme park exhibit, how could Pirates of the Caribbean
lose to this!?! This is, perhaps, the second most cynical excuse for a
movie on this list (Men In Black II remains at number one in that regard).
It exists for no reason other than to make money. No one anywhere on this
planet saw any sort of divine artistic reason to make this piece of shit.
What next? The Hall of fucking Presidents?
JIMMY FALLON YOUR CRAPPY STARRING VEHICLE AWAITS
Mr. Deeds is down to number seven and we now have two former SNL members
whose success outweighs their talent in the top ten, but that would be
every SNL member. Chris Rock was never more on the money than at the 25th
Anniversary show when he declared "Some of the worst movies all time were
made by the people in this room." And it may never end. Hell, the only
thing that stopped John Belushi from making more bad movies was death
itself----and even that gave birth to at least one more (Wired).
BAD FILM WRITING 101
Reign of Fire is down to number eight and to give you a measure of how
sadly cliched this movie is, the moment one character says to the other,
"I’m your best friend," I knew he wouldn’t see the final credits and I
was not wrong.
PAY ATTENTION, KIDS. THIS IS HOW WE DEFINE "IRONY"
Minority Report is down to number nine and how funny is it going to be
when this is outgrossed by Austin Powers next week, considering both Steven
Speilberg and Tom Cruise both make cameos in it. At $123M and after six
weeks, this movie has only just made back its budget. Between this and
A.I., it seems Harrison Ford isn’t the only one who may need that Indiana
Jones sequel.
IT WAS EITHER THIS OR EIGHT LEGGED FREAKS, I GUESS
Finally, in a sorry example of how bad this summer’s movies have been,
My Big Fat Greek wedding actually returns to the top ten and is being
heralded as some sort of indie success story. Please. This movie is a
sorry mishmash of every ethnic cliché you’ve ever seen. Your could replace
"Greek" with any ethnic group in the world, not change a word and still
have the same movie. It’s got as much depth as a Lifetime movie, without
the inherent appeal of possibly Meredith Baxter Birney or Jaclyn Smith
showing up.
AH, THE FUN OF WATCHING NEW MONEY
Is it just me, or are the new Cribs episodes not as good as the first
ones? They can’t be out of people so soon, and god knows celebs and wannabes
never shy away from exposure. It’s getting so bad, we’re seeing normal
homes from lower tier celebs. I don’t want that. I want to see someone
flush with new money just pissing it all away (I’ve got ten bucks says
Sisqo can no longer afford to live in that mansion he bought). The most
interesting thing about the more recent episodes is the super security
at the home of LeeAnn Rimes. She’s got 24-hour manned security.
You don’t have that for nothing. Maybe it’s to ward off someone who’s
going to out her obviously gay husband (the first of many, I’m afraid).
Wayne Newton was entertaining but only because his taste in decorating
matched his taste in wives. "Hi, honey, here’s another picture of me when
I was younger for us to hang in our bedroom." Now that’s even creepier
than the need for 24-hour manned security. The basketball player who thought
that being able to see a car’s engine was a sign of class was also good
for a laugh.
HEY, YOUR LIFE IS JUST AS LAME
Because I was waiting for Cribs I actually caught a little of that lame
ass Sorority show again. It was mildly interesting only because the two
girls closest to being a attractive (in a slutty, pound of make-up, over
permed hair kind of way) were being attacked by their even less attractive
sorority sisters for actually daring to go out and have a good time. I
don’t know what happened after that because, I got bored just that quickly
with it. Why doesn’t MTV just give up on this reality binge already? Not
everyone has a story worth hearing. Imagine if they put a camera on my
life: sleep, eat, masturbate, read comics, play video games, write angrygeek
column. That’s it. Okay, so there’s a lot more masturbation and comic
books in there, but you get it. It’s not worth a show and neither is a
bunch of lame college students.
I’M GOING TO HAVE TO KILL YOU ALL…WITH MY MUSIC!
So my therapy has come to an end, so you fuckers had better not piss me
off in the coming days (yes, I am scouting rooftops and pricing rifles).
Seems my insurance company considers a damaged psyche the equivalent of
a damaged knee and thinks I should be all healed up in a few months. Well,
if it had to happen, better now than say, May, when I was still threatening
to drop down to the low 150’s (technically, it was actually anorexia:
not eating because of anxiety). Now, I’m much better. The Otter Crisis
has passed and I could really care less about the little fuckers. Granted,
I’m not going to tempt fate and go see them in a zoo, but for now I can
live my life without thinking of their well-being every single moment.
The downside is, we kind of left on a cliffhanger. As you may have noticed,
me pissing off friends is a regular occurrence here and let me tell you,
it happens just as frequently in my day-to-day life (only the female ones,
mind you; my five male friends never seem to piss me off). It came up
that this might not be as random as I thought, but actually a subconscious
act on my part to alienate them. Why? I guess we’ll never know, because
that’s how that last session ended. But is it really a bad thing? Can
you imagine how boring this column would be if I was happy and content
all the fucking time? And I wouldn’t have learned how to play the guitar
either (now learning weird Jazz chords so I can play Stone Temple Pilots’
"Interstate Love Song"). And goddamnit, I liked being thinner!
THE ORIGINAL THERAPIST
So, with therapy gone, I returned to an old friend. Yes, tequila has made
its triumphant return to my home. The blender was fired up as we returned
to Margaritaville! Of course, this has its downside. My alcohol altered
state led to me deciding to work on my dirty website. Yes, I have a dirty
website. In my 20’s I wrote a lot of silly erotica and one night, back
in the days of dial-up modems when computers were less than 100MHz I put
up all my work (complete with nekkid pictures---no, not of me) to entertain
my friends, whose experiences were the basis for almost all of them (Former
Wild Child inspired no less than three stories). So, it’s out there. No,
I’m not going to tell you where it is, so good luck finding it. Still
trying to get that Barry White sound sample to work though…
MACHO, MACHO MAN…
So, this week I got manly. In order to cut internet costs, I’m giving
up my DSL and am going to share my roommate’s cable modem. To do this
I had to run an ethernet cable from her room back to mine, which was about
90 feet. Now, my roommate didn’t want it on the floor and told me to run
it across the ceiling. So after buying a hundred feet of cable of ebay
for less than $10, I made a trip TO THE HARDWARE STORE then got to work---HAMMERING
AND LAYING CABLE…LIKE A MAN! At one point it got a bit warm, so I had
to TAKE MY SHIRT OFF. So I was then HAMMERING AND LAYING CABLE WITH MY
SHIRT OFF…LIKE A MAN! And in the end it all works wonderfully and I was
so filled with manliness, I felt like I was almost 5’9".
THE DABBA DOO
Finally, Harvey Birdman continues its brilliance with an episode about
mob boss Fred Flintstone. It’s so simple, yet so brilliant. Where does
Fred work? Construction. I can’t believe no one thought of it before
now. That beefy, no-necked body, mob-wife Wilma…it makes perfect sense.
They even did a Sopranos type opening (complete with the theme song) with
Fred driving through Bedrock. Later, Harvey wakes up with Quickdraw McGraw’s
head in his bed. Thundarr the Barbarian even shows up in a tracksuit as
a mob enforcer. And yes, Barney does make an appearance in a surprise
twist at the end.
7/22/2002
"I’ve over-educated myself in all the things I shouldn’t have known
at all." --- Noel Coward
HE WHO DIES WITH THE MOST TOYS, WINS
Stuart Little 2 opens at number one and other than the obscene super-cuteness
of it all, my primary reason for not seeing either this or the first one
is that kid with the big head from Jerry Maguire. I’m sorry, but he creeps
me out something fierce. Aren’t child actors supposed to be cute? But
I love that bird. I know it’s been used before, but the sight of a little
canary with pilot’s goggles and a scarf is so fucking adorable. For all
you losers who have failed to buy me a Stitch figure (despite years of
getting this for free every week), you can atone by getting me one of
the little canary.
THE DEAL BRANDO OBVIOUSLY PASSED ON
Road To Perdition holds at number two and as much as I love Paul Newman,
he’s starting to looking like the hundred year old man he really is, wavering
voice and all. Still, that’s how I want to age. He’s 80 and only now is
it beginning to show. He and David Bowie have apparently the same agent
in hell to get these great deals. "Eternity in hell, but I get to keep
my hair and looks until I’m dead? Okay, where do I sign?"
BUT ONLY ONE HAD THE GREAT LINE, "YES…THIS MAN HAS NO DICK."
Men In Black II is down to number three and the more I think about it,
the more this movie is a Ghostbusters for the 90’s. Both were special
effects laden comedies that, underneath, were very sharp satires about
life in New York. Both had unsung supporting funny men (Vincent D’Onofrio
and Rick Moranis), hit theme songs with samples ("Men In Black" sampled
"Forget-Me-Nots" by Patrice Rushen, while "Ghostbusters" was ripped off
of "I Want A New Drug" and they had to pay Huey Lewis a bucketful of money
when he sued them) and both came from Sony who had no idea either would
be successful, so they failed to sign anyone for a second movie. Now with
Ghostbusters, Bill Murray simply didn’t care, didn’t want to do it and
the Sony chairman at that time, Bob Pittman, was more interested in art
than commerce, so he wasn’t about to pursue it. Needless to say, he didn’t
last, so the first order of business of the new regime was to get Ghostbusters
2 in action. This meant overpaying for a lackluster sequel. 15 years later,
they’re doing the same thing. There was even the same 5-year gap between
movies. This movie cost so much between the actual film budget and the
back end deals for the talent, that it will never see a profit---which
is a leading reason why Men In Black III will come around the time of
Ghostbusters 3. And the avarice involved in both is frightening. In every
article about Men In Black 2, they openly admit they had no completed
script at the time of shooting and at one point Tommy Lee Jones replies
to Barry Sonnenfeld’s direction, "You think the check this week from Sony
will bounce? Just tell me where to stand and I’ll do it." The profits
from Spider-Man and Mr. Deeds will be paying for this one.
TWO OUT OF THREE GOOD ACTORS FAIL TO SURVIVE NELL
K-19 opens poorly at number four and I had about two-seconds worth of
interest in seeing this movie. First of all, it sounds like the 18th sequel
to that damn dog movie with Jim Belushi (which actually had two sequels,
believe it or not). Now I find out it’s two hours of Harrison Ford in
a sub doing a Russian accent? Please. The dog movie sounded better ("Jim
Belushi is a Russian sub commander. Fido is his First mate…"). Is this
Harrison Ford finally showing us just how deeply envious he was of not
being in The Hunt For Red October, but instead the two weaker sequels?
Based on a true story set during the cold war…ah, who gives a shit? The
real question is, is this what Liam Neeson chooses to return to the big
screen with, after almost losing a death battle with a deer? Granted,
he’s a big theater boy and this is probably just pay some medical bills,
but you know he’s wondering, "Hey, wasn’t I Russell Crowe a few years
ago? I mean, if Russell Crowe had a huge dick and nailed Julia Roberts."
AN AUDIENCE FILLED WITH 14-YEAR-OLD BOYS DEMMANDS IT
Mr. Deeds holds at number five, continuing to torture me, followed by
Reign of Fire at number six and yes, I’m still bitter at how this great
concept was wasted. As wasted as yet another movie having the beauteous
Izabella Scorupco in it and not having her get naked, or even scantily
dressed. At least when she was in Goldeneye, they put her in a bikini
(she was the babe who wasn’t Famke Janssen). And don’t tell me the environment
doesn’t allow for it. There should have been at least one "tomorrow we
face certain death fighting the dragon and only have this night----show
me your breasts" scene. The closest they come to it is the homoerotic
tension between Christian Bale and Matthew McConaughey, which comes to
a head when McConaughey feels the need to strip off his shirt (in England
in the freaking winter) to fight Bale.
A SPIDER IS NOT AN INSECT, BUT DAVID ARQUETTE IS
Eight Legged Freaks opens at number seven and just seeing the trailer
for this gave me a dream about giant spiders, so that meant there was
no way in hell I was going to see it. It’s simply too creepy (yet another
goddamn reason why Spider-Man doesn’t have organic webshooters). Almost
as creepy as that little kid in Stuart Little 2. Besides, any movie where
your only choices are between David Arquette (not to mention Kari Wurher)
and giant man-eating spiders is a no-win scenario. And remember, I’m a
big fan of the giant monster movies from the 50’s (yes, we mention the
classic Them for the second week in a row).
THE MAN SUCCESSFULLY KEEPS ANOTHER BRUTHA DOWN
Halloween Resurrection is down to number eight and the Black guy from
Save The Last Dance is in this. Julia Stiles is doing Shakespeare in the
Park and is on the cover of Elle, but he’s just another body in this.
Get used to it buddy. You’re short, you’re Black and you’re not ever pretty
like Taye Diggs. Just be glad you got that gig on The District.
THE END
Lilo & Stitch is down to number nine followed by Crocodile Hunter at number
ten.
WINNER OF THE BADLY NAMED MOVIE CONTEST
Not opening in the top ten is Tadpole, a little indie comedy that was
a hit at Sundance this past year. It’s the story of a precocious 15-year-old
who reads Voltaire and has set his sites on his stepmother, played by
Sigourney Weaver. However, he winds up in bed with his mother’s best friend,
played by Bebe Neuwirth, which is a damn good consolation prize to me
(I didn’t get my first 40-year-old until I was 30). A lot of reviews have
made an issue of suddenly how hot Bebe Neuwirth is. Please. She’s always
been that way. My favorite moments on Cheers were the ones when Lilith
would let her hair down and cut loose. Right behind my cheerleader thing
is my librarian thing. Now, if only she would do a movie where she has
to dress like cheerleader… The movie itself is nothing major. The best
word I can think of for it is "cute." It’s funny, but it’s simply a two-joke
movie: 1) I want my stepmother, 2) I slept with my stepmother’s best friend.
As to why it made such an impact at Sundance this past year, the only
thing I can think of is, having sat through a number of indie films recently,
that’s it’s a relative thing. When you’ve walked through the desert, even
a glass of lukewarm tapwater is nectar of the gods. And when you’ve spent
literally days watching the depressing, pretentious, masturbatory efforts
that compose 90% percent of independent films, then this too is a gift
from heaven. It’s also under 90 minutes, which is never, ever bad.
THOUGH TEQUILA & THE CITY DOES SUM UP LAST SUMMER FOR ME
Sex & The City started up again and some extra care needs to be exercised
in the lighting, ‘cause Sarah Jessica Parker ain’t aging all that well.
She’s gettin’ old lady neck and they need to start covering it up. Still,
she never looked so good as she did on Letterman with that new baby weight.
As far as the show goes, the first episode was so obviously "how funny
can we be post 9/11 in New York?" Well, you can be funnier than this.
Sexier too (though we did get the rare Kristin Davis boobage). Sorry,
but two things actually increased in this city after 9/11: drinking and
fucking (which is usually the way the progression occurs). And since this
show isn’t called "Alcohol & The City" and isn’t about about four drunks,
then I actually expect more sex this season than usual. And for someone
who lives here, let me tell you, the reports from my gay and female friends
were very disappointing for this year’s Fleet Week. Apparently, all the
good-looking sailors are out fighting.
JUST DESSERTS
Speaking of Sex & The City, in a case of life imitating art, there’s a
show on WE called Single in The City, which tries to show real single
women in Manhattan. Well, semi-real, considering almost every one of them
claims to be a "model/actress/my real job because I’m not pretty enough
to make a living at the other two." Let me tell you something, these women
deserve to be alone. Nothing annoys me more than to hear people talk about
the value of a sense of humor and then complain about dating a series
of investment bankers (whereas men say they want humor, but chase breasts).
Pardon me, but these men aren’t known for their wit. At least the one
woman made it clear she liked ‘em pretty and pretty young (she was dating
a 19-year-old model). Most annoying are a group of Sex & the City wannabes
who call themselves "The Barracudas." Please. In another few years, they’ll
be begging even the most loathsome Wall Streeter for an engagement ring.
Nothing is sadder than watching a group of women pretending to take on
the patriarchy, while all the while adhering to its basic tenets. My favorite
moment was the six-foot blonde model (what kind of model has panty lines?)
that boasted that she never pursues men or asks them out and should never
have to, having a near breakdown, when she bumps into her boyfriend while
out on a date with another man. Her date wasn’t stupid and quickly figured
out what was going on and in a clip from the next episode we see that
her boyfriend came to a similar conclusion. Sigh. You can’t be a playa
if you’re not prepared to get busted every now and then. The Englishwoman
who suffers a similar incident with no less than three guys she’s dating
merely brushes it off. Now she is a playa (but sadly, not a very attractive
one). Unlike Sex & The City, there’s actually one Black woman here, but
she loses points the moment her "singing career" comes up, not to mention
wearing some leopard skinned outfit and bragging about being a BAP (Black
American Princess). I didn’t expect much, because only a moron would allow
their social life to be taped in the first place, but people always have
a way of being even sadder than you expect
MORE OF THE MINUTAE OF MY LIFE
So I’ve become obsessed with the video for Massive Attack’s song "Inertia
Creeps." It’s from an old album but I just discovered the video last week
on www.launch.com. It’s very creepy, disturbing, but slightly erotic---just
like me. Other than that, I spend my time watching Paula Abdul videos,
which represents the best of David Fincher’s work.
7/15/2002
"There is nothing like early promiscuous sex for dispelling life’s
bright mysterious expectations." --- Iris Murdoch
MEN IN BLACK, FILM IN RED
Men In Black II holds at number one this week, finally dragging its sorry
ass over the 100M mark and surpassing its budget. At this rate, they’re
not going to make a profit until it hits video. In her part of the media
assault to promote this movie (she’s gotten more magazine covers than
anyone else in the cast) Lara Flynn Boyle defends her skinny ass by revealing
that her formerly full body was the result of initially being on the pill
because of ovarian cysts, and that once the cysts were gone, she stopped
the pill and the weight fell off. Now, surprisingly this is a very believable
story. Aside from knowing far too many women with cyst problems, My First
Great Lust had a significant weight gain as well when she first went on
the pill----at 15! In any case the problem with this story is that
it comes too late. Where was it three years ago when she was being raked
over the coals by every magazine in sight? Her publicist hadn’t thought
of it yet, that’s what.
I’D RATHER SEE SPIDER-MAN AGAIN
Road To Perdition opens super strong at number two, while opening at just
a little more than half the number of theaters than your other summer
blockbusters. I actually considered seeing this, but I instead went out
Long Island to play with three-year-olds (it has to do with Nice Jewish
Doctor and her three closest friends from high school and it would take
too long to explain here) and so my Tom Hanks boycott continued. Much
has been made of this being Tom Hanks being cast against type. Give me
a fucking break. Even from the trailers you can tell he’s the most decent
murdering enforcer that ever lived. When’s he gonna play an asshole through
and through? That’s going against type. What almost got me into this was
the thought of supporting another comic book movie. That’s right, like
Men In Black in front of it, this movie comes from a comic book. Excuse
me, a graphic novel (big, thick comic book). Unfortunately, I also
discovered that Max Allen Collins wrote it. He did a bunch of really crappy
Batman stories back in the 80’s, so that killed my comic book loyalty.
BURN, BABY, BURN
Reign of Fire opens at number three and that poster for this movie is
incredibly misleading. If, like me, you were hoping to see Apache helicopters
battling it out with flying, fire-breathing dragons in the skies over
London, then prepare to be disappointed. None of that happens. There is,
in fact, only one helicopter and it has no guns. In this movie, the dragons
have implausibly all but wiped out civilization in just 20 years. I say,
all-but, because apparently gyms have still survived, judging by the glistening
muscles both Matthew McConaughey and Christian Bale (who actually look
alike) display in this film. Now, given that this is science-fiction/fantasy,
you may quibble at my complaints of illogic. Well, back the fuck up. I’m
a geek. This is my territory. I know when suspension of disbelief begins
and ends. It ends when the dragons are made out to be these invulnerable
creatures (not even nuclear weapons can stop them) then you watch them
literally being killed by arrows in the end. To think that modern weaponry
wouldn’t tear these things a new asshole is ridiculous and a better science
fiction movie would have given you a reason why that wasn’t enough. Also,
over twenty years only one person is able to figure out how and why the
dragons populate so quickly, and this person isn’t even a scientist. Even
in the great giant monster movie, Them, as deadly as the giant ants were
they were easily killed, because, let’s face it, they’re just ants. These
are big flying lizards, but still just lizards. Sigh. I am so pissed about
that poster. I was so looking forward to this movie.
NO SELF-AWARENESS IS WORSE THAN STUPIDITY
Halloween: Resurrection opens at number four and is Jamie Lee Curtis sure
she’s off drugs? I ask, because these are the types of movies that only
someone with a really bad drug habit does for money. My only interest
in this is if Tyra Banks dies horribly somewhere in the film. Busta Rhymes
has already revealed that he lives, but that’s okay. I like Busta, but
Tyra Banks annoys the hell out of me. Nothing is worst than an idiot who
takes an attitude over being considered stupid. Honey, only stupid people
get mad over being considered stupid. Smart people think it’s funny.
LOOK FOR THE SILVER LINING
Mr. Deeds is down to number five and every week this thing drops more
than 40%, but is still going to break $100M by the end of this week, giving
both Adam Sandler and Winona "Lawyers Don’t Work For Free" Ryder a much-needed
hit. Well, at least Scooby-Doo is gone from the top ten.
SOMEONE FLIPPED A COIN AND YOU GOT THIS INSTEAD
The Crocodile Hunter opens at number six and this guy so barely makes
my radar that I have nothing to say about him. I’ve never even seen the
show, but apparently any moderate amount of exposure can either get you
a movie or TV show. There but for the grace of god this wasn’t "Emeril
The Movie!" Bam!
BOW WOW WASN’T THE ONLY ONE ON-SET WHO COULDN’T DUNK
Like Mike is down to number seven and Morris Chestnut is playing an NBA
star in this. In what universe!?! Probably that same universe where he
could be a pro football player like in The Best Man. He’s the same height
as my man-crush, Taye Diggs, and Taye Diggs and I are the exact same height:
5’2".
BUY ME THINGS!
Lilo & Stitch is down to number eight and I’m very disappointed none of
you muthafuckas took the hint and got me my very own Stitch. Thanks to
a weeklong series of run-ins with cupcakes and Krispy Kreme doughnuts,
I’m damn near back to my pre-Otter Crisis weight (I’m once again forced
to wear the "fat jeans") and can’t go near a McDonalds for quite some
time. But I’m sure Tia Carrere, who does one of the voices here, understands.
She’s still beautiful, but her ass is twice the size it used to be. Not
that there’s anything wrong with that. It’s one of the reasons I suffer
through her show, Relic Hunter.
AT LEAST HE HAS TASTE IN DIRECTORS IF NOT SCRIPTS
Minority Report is down to number nine and this is officially a disappointment
now. After a month it hasn’t even made budget. Hell, Ben Affleck’s movie
made more and cost less. Is the sun finally setting on Tom Cruise after
one helluva run? Are we going to see him return to form and start making
movies about cocky hot shots trying to live up to a dead father’s legend
as a lawyer/pilot/etc? Top Gun II? Hell, David Fincher has already signed
on for Mission Impossible III (and given the poor performance of Windtalkers,
John Woo maybe regretting the decision to pass right now). But I will
say one thing good about Tom Cruise and I think it’s the key to his continued
success, while his 80’s contemporaries have all faltered. He has always
worked with directors with their own identity, who if anything, were considered
to be compromising by working with him. Cameron Crowe, Steven Spielberg,
Stanley Kubrick, John Woo, Barry Levinson, hell even Paul Thomas Anderson
and now David Fincher (you can add Ron Howard, Neil Jordan and Sidney
Pollack if you want to, but I won’t). These are all directors who choose
you, you don’t choose them, but he has worked with them all. Normally,
superstars like to coast with directors they can overpower (Mel Gibson
actually fired the director on Payback), not someone who will give them
shit.
THE END
Finally, The Bourne Identity closes out the top ten at number ten.
THE BLIND LEADING THE BLIND
How delighted was I to see Michael Musto’s column filled with blind items
last week? While most are beyond my ken (I lack the support group of gossip
mongers with whom to discuss this), a few jumped out at me. "Famous Black
couple who are both bi." Hmmm, I didn’t know there was a famous Black
couple. Jada Pinkett is only known as Will Smith’s wife and Eric Benet
is just Halle Berry’s husband and Angela Bassett’s husband, Courtney B.
Vance is hardly famous (and to me they’re both so gay it hurts). I’m going
with Will Smith and wife. Granted, I’ve never gotten a gay vibe from Will,
but he works too damn hard at telling the world how happy his marriage
is for it to truly be that way. And while I’d love the idea of Halle bringing
girlfriends home to share with Eric Benet (again, something I’d pay to
see), she couldn’t be more straight. Like many of my friends, she’s another
woman who may "like dick too much."…."Married TV mastermind slept
with his dysfunctional star" Hmm. I so want this to be David Kelly and
Calista Flockhart because I can’t stand him…But the blind item that mattered
was the one about the "former teen queen who can’t stop talking about
how that surly superstar has the smallest dick in the galaxy." Hmm, let’s
count our surly superstars. Can you say, "Russell Crowe." I can’t think
of another, so now we need a former teen queen connected to him. Hmm,
wasn’t he hitting on Leelee Sobieski once? Think he just let it go after
that? Now, this would just explain so much. When you’re a manly man, it’s
gotta kill you to have a tiny peepee. It would inspire you to become a
drunken lout (when you’re a geek, it just makes you witty---trust me),
which explains Russell Crowe’s entire existence. It also explains why
Dennis Quaid doesn’t seem as upset as he should be. "Yeah, you took
my wife, but I’ve got a bigger dick than you!" And to men, that’s
all that matters because every war in human history is based on the fear
that someone, somewhere has a bigger dick than yourself. John Holmes never
started a fight in his life.
HIS ANACONDA DON’T WANT NONE UNLESS SHE’S GOT BUNS, HON!
Not in Musto’s column but everywhere else in the world is the news of
Janet Jackson kissing Justin Timberlake when she was supposed to be with
disgusted ratboy producer, Jermaine Dupri. Now, I’d advise a woman switch
to quadrupeds before touching Jermaine Dupri, so her going to Justin over
him is no big surprise, but like anyone else, I couldn’t help but wonder
how this affects little Britney. What happens when one of your idols starts
fucking your ex-boyfriend? And don’t think that Madonna wouldn’t have
done the same thing if she were still single. I can’t think of a better
what to let your would-be replacement know just who was still on top (no
pun intended). And the sad part is she’s got no one but herself to blame.
You can’t give a little white boy ass like that and expect him to go back.
First Alicia Keyes and now this. It’s obvious he likes a little swing
on that back porch. A little junk in the trunk, if you know what I’m saying.
He’s probably kicking himself for not trying for JLo before Ben Affleck
got there.
BECAUSE EVEN THE MINUTIAE OF MY LIFE CONCERNS YOU
So every year I find myself shopping for sandals because the ones I have
are on their last legs, but every year I fail because I’m a horrible shopper,
especially when no women can join me. Also, my other problem is I refuse
to have Velcro on my body and most sandals are made that way these days.
And I also need my toes exposed. I mean, what’s the point if you can’t
expose as much foot to open air as possible? I’m also cheap. Well, not
really, but I’m not going to pay the same amount that I would for a regular
shoe when only one third the leather is used, thank you very much Mr.
Kenneth Cole! And when did the majority of sandals become designed to
make you look like some sort of beach pimp? I swear, 90% percent of what
I saw on 8th street looked like "Huggy Bear Goes Hawaiian." I finally
found a pair I could stand, but will decline to mention the brand because
no 35-year-old man should be wearing the same thing as your average 14-year-old.
Sigh. I need new boots too. Now that one I won’t go through alone, so
some woman is going to spend a very long Saturday afternoon with me soon.
SEX DEGREES OF SEPARATION
Finally, it seems that Julia Robert’s new husband may have had a one-night
stand with Young Married Wife many years ago. Now, since every time you
sleep with someone you’re sleeping with everyone they slept with, this
means that every time Julia Roberts has sex, she’s boning someone I know.
The oddest thing? Young Married Wife is constantly being told she reminds
people of Julia Roberts and even got a double take from Benjamin Bratt
on the set of Pinero. You can say this guy married for money, but it’s
also a case of knowing what you like.
7/8/2002
"What I can say is that the supreme and singular joy of making love
resides in the certainty of doing evil." --- Charles Baudelaire
AT LEAST AC/DC GOT PAID
Opening at number one to no one’s surprise is Men In Black 2 and oh, what
a disappointment this is. If, like me, you thought the trailers and commercials
were funny, they you are in for a world of sad when you finally see this.
First big problem: different writer. That tells you right there that the
producers had no idea what made the first one work, because special effects
aside, it was a damn funny script. Also, the dynamic of the first is initially
gone, then reversed. Before, it was stoic, dry Tommy Lee Jones teaching
smart-ass Will Smith the ropes. Here Will Smith is initially stoic---which
is the dumbest of all dumb ideas---and has to bring back Tommy Lee Jones
and teach him the ropes. So for the first half of the movie (which is
about 44 minutes) what you’re paying to see is nowhere to be found. Also,
missing is the great villain. One of best and most unappreciated performances
ever was Vincent D’Onofrio as the Bug in the first movie, and while she
does fine with her job, Laura Flynn Boyle is no bug (Black Widow spiders
aren’t bugs, so give that joke a rest). Also gone is the great conceit
of the first film: all the weird things in New York are the result of
aliens. The simple fact that Gulianni was not made out to be an alien
is flat out criminal. That is the easiest, most obvious joke ever and
the fact it’s not here shows you the lack of imagination present. Using
Michael Jackson (who refused to be in the first movie, but now claims
that it’s one of his favorites) and Martha Stewart is just lame and tired.
TIS PITY HE’S A WHORE
Hurting me deeply by only dropping to number two, despite a 45% drop,
is Mr. Deeds. I have to forgive otherwise respectable actors when they
occasionally appear in crap like this, because theater and indie films
simply don’t pay like a major Hollywood release. Hence, pardons must go
out to Steve Buscemi, John Tuturro and Peter Gallagher for their appearance
in Mr. Deeds. Car insurance must be paid, children need braces and every
once and awhile, it’s nice simply to have a trailer all to yourself. And
let’s face it: there’s no comparison between the kinda tail you get from
a mainstream movie and the freak tail that only comes from indie films.
I guarantee you someone like Eric Stoltz can’t remember the last he saw
a naked fan who wasn’t tattooed and pierced and totally lacking in any
tone.
BUT WHO’S AMERICA’S FAVORITE INDONEISAN?
Like Mike opens at number three and somewhere Lil’ Romeo and his butt-ugly
father, Master P, are trying to put together a picture for him, but they
are a day late and a dollar short. Bow-Wow (formerly Lil’ Bow Wow) is
already here and as we all know, America can only handle one type of minority
at a time. There can only be one Black Kid, the same way Morgan Freeman
is the one Black Old Man, Denzel is the one Black Middle Aged Man, Lucy
Liu is still the one Asian, despite Kelly Hu’s attempt to "Bogart" her
spot, Tony Shaloub is the one Good Arab, etc…
BUT YOU CAN KEEP THOSE DAMN MCNUGGETS
Lilo & Stitch is down to number three and I hate MacDonalds. At least
once a week I go to Macdonald’s to get a Happy Meal, trying to get either
Lilo or Stitch dressed as Elvis and it’s never in there! I pretty much
gave up fast food during The Otter Crisis, so I would really rather not
be going. Of course, if one of you wants to go for me and give me your
Stitch, I won’t refuse it.
HERE’S YOUR MINORITY REPORT: SPIELBERG MOVIES THAT DON’T MAKE MONEY
Minority Report is down to number five and it hasn’t even reached its
budget yet, much less advertising costs. Doesn’t look good. Heh-heh-heh.
IF HE DOESN’T SMILE, SHOOT HIM
The Bourne Identity is down to number six and this movie continues the
long-standing tradition of secret agents who not only don’t smile, they
make it a habit of being dour and stone-faced. This being the case, it
should be easy to pick them out in a crowd. Find the guy who looks like
he just got a phone call that his mother and his dog just died (and he
loved that dog) and you’ve got your spy.
DON’T BITE THE HAND THAT BUTTERS YOUR BREAD
Scooby Doo is down to number seven and you almost have to feel sympathy
for Sarah Michelle Gellar's inability to stop trying to destroy her own
career. A show business kid from day one and a stone-cold professional
by all accounts, but whenever she opens her mouth, she puts her foot in
it. First of all, when the show (Buffy the Vampire Slayer) was in talks
to leave The WB, she shot off her mouth about how she wouldn’t want to
do it. Only to have the producers publicly point out that if she broke
her contract, they could sue her for every dime she’d made over the last
five years on the show. Now, with her contract with the show coming to
an end, she’s blowing off ideas of a Buffy film. Honey, this Scooby Doo
movie being a hit is fluke. Don’t think the powers that be behind Buffy
won’t remember your lack of loyalty in the future. You need Joss Wheedon
at lot more than he needs you. I mean it’s not like Scooby Doo would have
made a dollar less is someone else played Daphne.
THE FUNNY THING IS, GWYNETH IS A BETTER SINGER TOO
The Sum of All Fears is down to number eight and apparently the rumors
of JLo and Ben Affleck are more than just rumors. Now what is up with
this odd behavior? She dates equals but marries inferiors. And don’t think
this isn’t part of plan for more critical acceptance. Puffy had money
and fame, but no artistic respect and he wasn’t part of the machine. Ben
was the prince of Hollywood for awhile (actually, he and Matt were co-princes)
complete with a princess (Gwyneth), not to mention an Oscar. Now, she’s
already tired of being called JLo, so this is her ticket to mainstream
Hollywood success and access. He is her ticket into the much-respected
Miramax and its stable of talent. What’s in it for Ben? Big Puerto Rican
booty. For a White boy such as himself, there doesn’t need to be anything
else. Yeah, I could say he’s going to reach another audience with her,
but when that ass is in your face, you could really care less.
DON’T HOLD YOUR BREATH FOR THAT JOHNNY BRAVO MOVIE
I saw the very first PowerPuff Girls cartoon years ago and while I liked
it, it still wasn’t enough to make me watch it on a weekly basis. The
fact it became so popular only served to make me more ambivalent. This
is why I couldn’t give up even 80 minutes of my life to see the movie---and
neither could anyone else, judging by the box office. It opened at number
nine. Damn. Well, that’s what you get for asking people to pay for what
they get for free every night.
NOT THAT THE FILM SUCKED OR ANYTHING LIKE THAT
Finally, closing out the top ten is Divine Secrets of the Ya-Ya Sisterhood
and let the excuses for its under-performance begin…now! "It was too smart
for the summer." "Women’s movies aren’t summer movies." "We probably should
have waited for fall." "We hoped people would want some antidote to summer
fantasy." And so on.
HEY, STRAIGHT GUYS LIKE INDIE CHICK FLICKS TOO
Not breaking the top ten and not deserving to is Me Without You, an autobiographical
account of a lifelong, mutually masochistic friendship from writer/director
Sandra Goldbacher (for all you fans of The Governess). Set in England,
we follow two childhood friends through their adolescence in the late
70’s and on into young adulthood in the 80’s (yes, we get yet another
movie set in 80’s, complete with wardrobe and soundtrack). The problem
with this move isn’t the performances, as Michele Williams continues on
her journey to leave her Dawson’s Creek co-stars in the dust by keeping
up a pretty good English accent for two hours and Anna Friel as her not-very-friendly
best friend makes you simultaneously hate and pity her. No, the fault
is the script, which like many autobiographical stories takes itself much
too seriously. I mean, where’s the fun? No one stays friends this long,
this closely without something good to show for it, and for these girls,
the fun ends after Michelle Williams shags (it’s England) Anna Friel’s
brother, prompting Anna Friel to go and lose her virginity to the punk
who just gave her a shot of heroin. And it takes them and this movie far
too long to realize this friendship isn’t helping anyone. We knew in 1983
it was hell, so why are they still figuring this out in 1989 (the bullshit
2001 happy ending coda never should have left the page)? By the same token,
the third act is dragged out at least 20 minutes too long. And is there
any doubt who is the writer/director’s character? Is it Anna Friel’s broken
home manipulative super slut, or Michele Williams, thoughtful, talented,
bookish character that all the boys like?
ALMOST AS MUCH FUN AS READING A YEAR’S WORTH OF COMICS
So, after betraying Buffy The Vampire Slayer for Smallville, I spent 12
hours watching the entire season in one fell swoop, thanks to one of my
beloved geek girls who taped it. Man, was it ever sweet! You don’t know
what you’re missing until you do this. No commercials, no re-runs, no
waiting a month for new episodes. Just the pure shit, pumped directly
into my veins. I have to say, there was a hell of a lot of graphic sex
going on. I mean graphic. There was no question that Buffy was being mounted
from behind in the middle of a club, any more than she was blowing someone
at one point. And I can tell you right now, the writing staff of the show
has read a whole lotta comic books. The storylines present are vintage
X-Men, not to mention the geek-speak of the three dweebs who set themselves
up as her arch-foes. When a reference was made to the Treasury Edition
of Superman Vs. Spiderman, I got geek wood like you would never believe.
Also, reference is made to another character’s going "Dark Phoenix." Yes,
there’s someone on staff who didn’t date much in high school or college.
BATTLE OF THE BULGE, PART XVII
So my attempt to buy cupcakes was undone by their closing for the holiday
weekend. I then decided walk up 8th Ave. to Krispy Kreme, which I haven’t
had in a few months. Walking through Chelsea is always fun because just
when you think there can’t be another shop for clothing designed specifically
for accentuating one’s pecs and bulges, there’s another on the next block
(my favorite : Bang Bang For Men). Also, you find out just how out of
shape you really are. It’s like Gay Pride Day every day. Good looking,
hard bodied men roaming the streets…hand in hand. You know the straights
because they’re the fat guys with no muscle tone. Which makes me wonder:
how does Krispy Kreme survive in this neighborhood? Oh, yeah. Fat bastards
like me making the trip.
IF THERE’S A GOD, EXPLAIN ADAM SANDLER’S CAREER TO ME
As an atheist my opinion on the court ruling is mixed. Yeah, this asshole
has a point (personally, I’d like "In God We Trust" off the fucking money),
but the Supreme Court ruled in the middle of fucking World War II that
you can’t make someone say a loyalty oath, which is what the pledge is.
His problem is he didn’t even want his daughter hearing it. Oh, she’s
not going to make him pay for this embarrassment when she’s 16. (the football
team will know her as "Party Favor"). The man is a doctor. Don’t tell
me there’s not some poor person somewhere who couldn’t have used his services
during the time and money that was spent on this. Even as a podiatrist,
there’s something else he could have done. But what makes me be on this
dickhead’s side is the instant knee-jerk response of our elected leaders
against it. Think any of them bothered to find out that "under God" was
only added in the 50’s in response to the red scare? That the guy who
wrote it was a clergyman who didn’t think it needed to be there? And think
they’re going to come out this publicly to put the guys at Worldcom or
Enron in jail? Or increase education spending? Yeah, Johnny can’t read
or write, but he swears allegiance to God & Country every morning, which
is just as good.
MAYBE IT SHOULD BE "THEY GO IN SIXES"
Ted Williams makes it three, while John Frankenheimer starts off another
round. Will Katherine Hepburn ever die? Not that I want her dead, but
she’s really, really old, people. It can’t be fun to wake up every day
and be surprised that you made it. Not to mention outliving all your friends.
AH, TO BE A DIVORCE ATTORNEY IN LA…
So Julia Roberts got married JLo-style, meaning she married an absolute
inferior. Well, not exactly, JLo style, because JLo didn’t break up someone’s
marriage. Now why would you want to marry someone who’d cheat on his wife
(loyalty is a character trait---it doesn’t change)? Oh, yeah. You found
out your ex married a stunning beauty just months after your break up
that’s why you’d marry some loser. Speaking of which, if Benjamin
Bratt hated the limelight of Julia Roberts so much, why is he on the cover
of Vanity Fair. Actually, it’s Benjamin Bratt & Talisa Soto on the cover
of Vanity Fair because it takes two minorities who have been working for
the last ten years to equal one unknown white person (Colin Farrell, Gretchen
Mol, etc…).
SEX & THE GHOST OF PENISES PAST
Catherine Bushnell, the writer of Sex & The City and the model for Sarah
Jessica Parker’s character of Carrie, also got married on July 4th. Well,
I guess when you’ve sunken so low you’d suck the dick of Al D’Amato and
80-something Gordon Parks, you have no choice but to rethink your concept
of marriage as bad. She married a ballet dancer ten years her junior and
I say more power to him, because there’s no way in the world I’m marrying
someone who sucked an 80-year-old dick. Sorry, but there’s just not enough
love in the world. I’m pretty much indifferent to everything you’ve done
before me, because I’m not looking to marry any virgins. Actually, a woman
of experience sounds pretty damn good, but I draw the line at being so
needy you’d exchange sex with some fossil to get it (which is what killed
my affection for Lara Flynn Boyle years ago). And as far as D’Amato goes,
I’d forgive bestiality before that.
SAD BITCHES
Sorority Life on MTV. Honestly, who gives a fuck about people so sad they
need "official friends"? It’s not even at a major college where something
interesting might happen. Think they’re going the show the part where
you have to blow the members of their brother frat? I think not. And most
importantly, the girls aren’t that pretty. Couldn’t they follow that sorority
that has a history of hot babes. Married Housewife who introduced me to
all-girl porn was in it. Now, that I’d watch.
NOT JUST FUNNY, DAMN FUNNY. MAYBE EVEN FUCKING FUNNY.
So, they finally aired the episode of Harvey Birdman where Shaggy and
Scooby get arrested for possession. It’s so funny that to try and describe
it wouldn’t do it justice (let me put it this way, when the cops pull
them over, The Doobie Brothers are playing on the radio and Scrappy Doo
shows up just to meet an untimely end). I’m still dying to see the one
where Race Bannon sues Dr. Quest for custody of Johnny and Hadj.
LET’S GO TO THE NUMBERS!
Janet, Britney and Madonna back to back on HBO. An inspired piece of programming,
I must admit. It’s somewhat ironic, since Britney is pretty much their
illegitimate child. She wouldn’t exist at all without them, as she is
just as much Janet as she is Madonna. Let’s match ‘em up! Musical Ability.
None of them can sing or write a song without maximum aid from someone
else, but most musical ability goes with Madonna, as there is the occasional
song with just her name on it and she does actually play an instrument
in concert. Music overall should be an even draw between Janet and Madonna.
Janet has the unbeatable team of Terry Lewis & Jimmy Jam behind her for
almost twenty years, while, Madonna actually has more interesting songs
(when they’re good), BUT Madonna in her "take myself much too seriously"
way doesn’t do all the old hits, while Janet was only too happy to whip
out a little "What Have You Done For Me Lately." Britney’s crap, while
better than it’s ever been, is still crap. So it’s Janet. Voice. None
of them can sing, period. BUT…Madonna actually has something above a whisper
that she’s learned to work with. The others sing to a track of their own
computer-enhanced voices. Dancing. Well, here’s a hard one because while
all have trained, none of them could actually make a living at it. Britney’s
going to have to take this one, because Madonna really doesn’t do it like
she used to and Janet spends far too much time doing a Michael Jackson
type stomp. Stage show. Another one for Janet. It’s big, it’s brightly
lit and it’s colorful. Madonna’s was dark and cold and too fucking pretentious
for a pop show, while Britney’s was simply too scattered. Costumes. Another
one for Janet. More costumes than the other two combined---plus, cheap
thrills from watching her change. Biggest Queenage. Britney is still too
young to have an adequate gay following, so it’s just between Madonna
and Janet. Madonna has long been the reigning champ, but has lost a few
since becoming a wife and mom, while Janet has the loyal minority gay
camp as well as the new appeal of a broken marriage and no-good man doing
her wrong. Still, it’s Madonna’s crown. Her time in the clubs has given
her an edge she’ll never lose and Janet’s dyke vibe is a little too strong
for your average Chelsea Boy. Body. Madonna comes in last here because
she has no ass. She’s got the best breasts of the three (and they’re real,
something Janet can’t say), but when dancing consists of shaking an ass,
you need to have one. Britney, however, is that rare load-bearing white
girl and she wins because Janet has burned her hips off and even those
abs of steel can’t make up for their loss. Audience Connection. Madonna
comes in dead last here, because that show is cold, cold, cold. Because
it’s so elaborate, it must be planned to the second, which doesn’t allow
for many moments of audience interaction. Britney is no better, while
Janet not only plays to the audience, but brings up obviously gay men
from the audience to feel them up (any straight man in the world would
break those constraints). Gratuitous onstage sex. Again, Janet because
Madonna no longer masturbates onstage and Britney never goes beyond simple
bumping and grinding. And our overall winner is…Janet. You Madonna and
Britney fans will just have to suck it up and wait for the next tour.
TIME DATED
Finally, that picture last week was taken in 1989, not last week. I was only
22 while Wild Child was only 19 and truly wild (and I could have been arrested
for giving her booze). Hey, it was the 80's. We were both high on coke, after
a corporate takeover while listening to Paula Abdul.
7/1/2002
"My father taught me to work. He did not teach me to love it." --- Abraham
Lincoln
IT’S OVER, WINONA. FOR REAL THIS TIME.
Mr. Deeds opens at number one but they’d better enjoy while they can. This movie
is godfuckingawful and the 7% decline between Saturday and Sunday is only the
beginning of the damage word of mouth is going to do. It’s been a long time
since I sat through something this unbearably misguided and awful. Adam Sandler’s
entire appeal is his idiot manchild superego persona. His characters say all
the rude things they’re thinking and do all the stupid things he wants. That’s
what people like about him and his movies. What idiot thought that making him
play a nice guy would appeal to anyone? He gives Chris Rock a run in the bad
comedic actor department, so watching him trying to "act nice" makes this ninety
minute run time feel like three hours. And woe is his co-star. It was already
an act of desperation for Winona Ryder to be in this movie, so the next act
will be the one we’ve all been waiting for: a Halle Berry/Diane Lane type graphic
sex role. I know I keep saying that, but this time it’s really going to happen!
I GUESS TECHNICALLY, THAT MAKES THEM THE MINORITY
Lilo & Stitch holds at number two, and apparently Disney is hell-bent on atoning
for Song of the South as this another film where there are few-to-no White people.
Granted, it does take place in Hawaii, the only state in the union where White
people are a minority, but you’d never know that from an episode of Magnum P.I.,.
All the major characters are Hawaiian, alien or Black. Mistah Charley is practically
nowhere to be found. Know what that means? Nothing but hot sex and good dancing
for miles.
IT’S LIKE REALLY GOOD LOOKING HOBBITS WITH NORMAL FEET
Minority Report is down to number three and this had better do great overseas,
otherwise it will be lucky to break even (it cost about $120M). A major blow
to Tom Cruise who has spent the last two months taking a new offensive in the
PR war he so thoroughly lost to Nicole Kidman last year. He’s been so relentless,
even his beard---um, I mean , his girlfriend is on the cover of Elle, when she
has nothing to promote. And you think it’s an accident Colin Farrell has been
forced to end his career by being on the cover of Vanity Fair over two years
after what was really his breakthrough starring role in Tigerland? Some may
think that Farrell is in this movie because he’s the new hot thing. Close, he’s
in this because he’s the new hot thing under 5’8". Yes, ladies, I must
sadly inform you that he’s an itty-bitty thing. He was eye to eye with Tom Cruise
for the entire film and it didn’t change when he was with Jon Stewart. Leprechauns
are still alive and breeding in Ireland it seems.
KNOW WHO ELSE I HATED? DYNA-MUTT!
Scooby Doo is down to number four and how is this still making money when it
drops 50% every freaking week!?! However, I may have to watch it at fast forward
when it comes to video because of two words: Scrappy Doo. Yes, Scrappy Doo supposedly
makes an appearance in this movie. The irony is, I always hated Scrappy Doo.
For me, he was the beginning of the end for Scooby. Never a great show, the
introduction of Scrappy was ground zero of shameless pandering to kids. And
the fact that he walked on two legs just annoyed the hell out of me.
THE SADDEST DAY OF ANY KID’S LIFE: LEARNING THERE IS SUCH A THING AS A BAD CARTOON
The Bourne Identity is down to number five followed by Hey Arnold at number
six, a movie so lacking in any sort of appeal, that it has single-handedly quieted
every kids audience it’s played before. This movie looks so bad, they should
use it in schools to control children.
INDIANA JONES AND THE PERIL OF MALE MENOPAUSE
The Sum of All Fears is down to number seven and Harrison Ford continues his
tradition of growing older without the slightest hint of grace by trashing the
screenplay of this movie in a recent interview. Granted, I’m sure it sucked,
but so did the screenplays for the movies he was in, so he’s really in no position
to judge. And I agree that the book’s ending of the bomb going off should have
been changed. Your movie pretty much stops at the hero’s failing to stop the
deaths of millions of people. That might have worked in the book (though I doubt
it), but it sure as hell doesn’t work on film. How will the movies after this
function in a world where Baltimore has been wiped off the face of the earth
by a terrorist attack? You just can’t pretend it didn’t happen or that it wouldn’t
affect every single day of your life if you worked for the CIA. But none of
this makes Harrison Ford any less of a sad old dick. Especially now that his
only requirement for the fourth Indiana Jones movie was that Calista Flockhart
be given a role in it. That’s right. The sad spectacle of a rutting old man
will now be played out on the large screen as Ally McBeal will meet Indiana
Jones. Sigh. I’m so glad I pretty much stopped caring after the first one.
THEY’RE LIKE CHICK MOVIES WITH BULLETS
Divine Secrets of the Ya-Ya Sisterhood is down to number eight followed by Windtalkers
at number nine, which is a total flop having cost $100M and only making $33M.
Maybe now someone will explain to John Woo that all the pyrotechnics in the
world can’t make up for those sappy-ass stories he likes to tell.
IT’S NOT LIKE IT COULD GET WORSE
Finally, Star Wars Episode II Attack of the Clones closes out the top ten, which
means I’ll never have to write about it again, so let’s end on a bittersweet
note. In an interview Steven Spielberg says that this is the one directing job
he’s always wanted but knows he can never have. Now, given the crap that’s present
in Minority Report, I can’t promise you that the godawful "killing droid with
C3PO’s head" joke wouldn’t still be here, nor would any of all the bad dialogue,
but if Spielberg had directed it, I can promise it would have moved a lot quicker
and the acting would have been better.
IT COULD BE WORSE; IT COULD BE PAM ANDERSON AT YALE
Not breaking the top ten and not deserving to is Harvard Man, the latest from
James Toback, best known for his years as Warren Beatty’s pimp. This is supposedly
inspired by his own days at Harvard in the 60’s. Now, you might think it would
be impossible to not like a movie that opens with Sarah Michelle Gellar being
done doggy-style by Adrian Grenier while they pass the largest joint in the
world back and forth, but you’d be wrong. Sadly, even the addition of Joey Lauren
Adams as a bisexual Harvard professor (stop laughing) who likes threeways with
Eric Stoltz and Rebecca Gayheart can’t save this movie. One big problem is that
he essentially stops the story (a Harvard basketball star gets into game fixing
with his Mafia princess girlfriend) to follow Adrian Grenier on an acid trip
for twenty minutes. James Toback somehow conned people into giving him money
so he could just make one the most mastabatory films in recent memory. Joey
Lauren Adams as a bisexual professor who sleeps with her students is obviously
the realization of one of his greatest wet dreams. I’m shocked that the face
off between Sarah Michelle Gellar and Rebecca Gayheart (they look like the finalists
in an anorexic beauty pageant) didn’t end up like a scene from Lesbian Cheerleaders
4. You gotta wonder if Joey Lauren Adams is questioning whether or not it was
worth sleeping with a fat geek (Kevin Smith) for the rest of her life to avoid
having to make movies like this.
WELCOME TO THE WUSS-BOY PARAGRAPH
Also not breaking the top ten and finally opening is Lovely & Amazing, the second
film from Nicole Holofcener, the writer director of one of my favorite movies,
Walking & Talking. The story of neurotic mother who has passed along her problems
to her three daughters, it’s "character driven" which means no plot to speak
of, which I normally hate, but in this case the characters are interesting enough
to warrant it. It begins with Brenda Blethyn who is getting liposuction while
harboring delusions of her handsome doctor flirting with her. Her oldest daughter
is played by Catherine Keener in the full-on bitter role she does best, as a
former high school beauty queen so at loose ends in her life and marriage that
she has an affair with the teenage manager of a one-hour photomat. The younger
daughter is an actress so riddled with insecurities about her relatively flawless
looks that, in one of the most painful scenes in recent memory, forces a man
she just slept with to point out all her flaws while she stands there completely
naked ("Too much bush…trim the trim," is one of his more memorable criticisms).
Finally, in the most heartbroken storyline, is the youngest adopted Black daughter
who, understandably only wants to look like her White mother. She’s also overweight
and is slowly becoming aware of it and what it means to be that way in the world.
Believe it or not, the whole movie is actually very. Nicole Holofcener knows
how to mine pain well.
BUT HEY, YOU GOT THANKED IN THE SPEECH
I was wondering how long it would take for the backlash to begin, but begun
it has. In last week’s Newsweek, Angela Basset disses Halle Berry’s win for
Monster’s Ball, saying she rejected the role because it would have been prostituting
herself to play it. The producer countered a few days later saying she was never
offered the role. Now, everyone knows that Angela Basset should have been the
first Black woman to ever win for Best Actress. And no one knows it more than
Angela Basset does. For her to watch Halle Berry win it must be like being the
smartest girl in school, but watching the Prom Queen win Valedictorian over
you. I just can’t wait to see who starts in on her next. I personally thought
the movie and her performance sucked, so ripping on her is not without merit,
but Angela Bassett is just fucking bitter and that’s what I really want to see.
I’m betting on Nicole Kidman. She’s wasn’t thrilled to lose, so I’m thinking
her lips will be the next to get loose. And as far as Oscar winners not having
to get naked, well, I’ve got some bad news for you, Angie baby. Even the great
Meryl Streep has bared her bosom (as have winners, Helen Hunt, Marlee Matlin,
Holly Hunter, Susan Sarandon, Gwyneth Paltrow, Diane Keaton, Sissy Spacek and
Jodie Foster) and if you take playing a whore out of the equation, you’ll eliminate
half the women to ever win an Oscar.
I JUST WANT OZZY TO START SELLING JELL-O
Speaking of pathetic jealousies, Bill Cosby has criticized The Osbournes. Hmm.
I suppose it would be better if Ozzy had cheated on his wife then allowed that
woman’s daughter to live with the delusion that he was her father for twenty
years and only agreeing to take a paternity test after she tried to blackmail
him. Apparently, looking like a model dad is better than actually being a model
dad.
I THINK A BACKSTREET BOY IS NEXT
John Entwhistle and Rosemary Clooney. One more. And you know it’s coming. It’s
almost like it’s taking one from each generation. That means one of these little
pop kids better look both ways before he crosses the street (please, please,
please let it be Enrique Igleasias).
DON’T DRINK AND SURF THE NET
So, another wonderful Saturday night spent playing computer (as opposed to Friday,
when I installed a new hard drive in my machine)---only this time I had the
Former Wild Child with me as we got her another computer off ebay when her first
computer’s problems proved to be too much for me (fucking screen). However two
bottles of white wine and some wonderful brie mitigated this evening of geek
life. Thankfully, we’re older now, because there was a time when two bottles
of wine led to arts and crafts, as witnessed by this week’s photo. Yes, we got
drunk and I painted on her stomach with some water paints that someone had given
me. Why not me? Well, it was jagermeister that led to my own nude photos, but
don’t hold your breath waiting to see those. Still, I highly recommend taking
them in your 20’s. Trust me. You’re going to long for the day when your stomach
was naturally hard and flat. Now, pardon me while I get back to my ice cream.