8/26/2002
"Sometimes I get the menstrual cramps'real hard." --- Unnamed Convict
in Raising Arizona, written by the Coen Brothers.
"HI, THIS IS ALEC BALDWIN AND---HELLO? HELLO?"
Signs returns to number one and right now M. Night Shyamalan is ducking
more phone calls from strange and desperate people than a man who just
won the lottery. First he saves Bruce Willis and now he has given Mel
Gibson yet another hit without the benefit of him firing even one gun.
You know Tom Cruise---who thought a movie with Steven Spielberg was as
sure a hit as a movie with Stanley Kubrick was an Oscar---is probably
calling him every hour on the hour. Not to mention Arnold Schwarzanegger
and Sylvester Stallone. Women need not apply, as he obviously doesn?t
write stories about you. Yes, Sharon Stone, put the phone down.
THEN AGAIN HIS SON MAY BE A THEATER FAN'IF YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN
XXX is down to number two this week and to have just over $100M after
three weeks is not a good sign for a summer blockbuster that cost just
that much to make and at least half that much to advertise. This is really
going to need overseas money to pay off. Supposedly, the director kept
the nudity, violence and language down for his 15-year-old-son, which
makes me wonder if he?s ever even met this kid. If there?s anything a
15-year-old-boy goes to a movie like this for it?s to see boobs, blood
and bombs. I notice his concern for setting a good example for his son
didn?t stop him from fucking Asia Argento who?s closer in age to his son
(she?s 26 and was probably 24 when they were shooting this) than to him.
Who knows? Maybe his son got to see her naked up close and personal on
the way to the bathroom in the morning.
EVERY LATIN ACTOR WILL APPEAR IN A SPY KIDS FILM EVENTUALLY
Spy Kids 2: Island of Lost Dreams is down to number and for better or
worse, you really don?t see much more of Ricardo Montalban than you do
in the trailer. He?s literally along for the ride in the context of this
movie. And quite frankly, it?s more than a little creepy to see that he
plays Carla Gugino?s father, not Antonio Banderas?s, which means she went
out and married someone like her dad. When a girl I knew in college told
me she liked me because I reminded her of her dad, it creeped me the hell
out. Then again, she was a redhead (from the south no less!), so god knows
she was already a freak.
BUT SATAN IS REAL AND OBVIOUSLY HE?S MAKING FILMS
My Big Fat Greek Wedding rose to number four this week. Now do you believe
me when I tell you there is no God? See, true evil isn?t a bad movie that
does well. There is a certain amount of fun in a really bad movie. For
example: I love Worth Winning. It?s an incredibly bad movie about a guy
(Mark Harmon) who makes a bet that he can get three women to agree to
marry him (one of whom was Madeline Stowe). It?s so awful, but I love
it! No, true evil is a mediocre movie that does well, because it lowers
your expectations and kills any motivation on part of movie studios to
try and make something better. Now that?s evil!
YES, I?M SLAMMING JERSEY. YOU GOTTA PROBLEM WITH THAT?
Blue Crush is down to number five and I hope Michelle Rodriquez?s part
was better in the original script than it is here. All she does is play
the part of the nagging best friend/coach who warns the lead about making
mistakes. In fact, I don?t think she?s played a role yet where her primary
focus wasn?t to be either hard or dour. Granted, she?s from Jersey, so
there?s a limit to what she can play, but she needs to try the Ethnic
Best Friend in a romantic comedy next (hey, they can?t always be Black).
IT WAS A FUNNY SCRIPT'WHEN I WAS DRUNK
Serving Sara opens at number six and it seems to be a rite of passage
to for TV stars to try and make the jump to major films with the formulaic
materials possible. The better ones learn from these mistakes and move
on (George Clooney), while others just go running back to TV as fast as
they can (Don Johnson). Matthew Perry, however, has done neither. First,
he?s never really left TV and second, he keeps on churning out these lame
romantic comedies. Now I suffered through the one with Salma Hayek because'well,
because Salma Hayek was in it, but I had to draw the line here, no matter
how much I appreciate the super skanky Elizabeth Hurley (anyone who just
happens to get pregnant by a ugly millionaire is a skank). And they sure
as hell tried to entice people like me by using her too. Notice how all
the ads prominently feature her in some state of undress. Usually you?d
joke that the actor in question must have been on drugs to choose a script
so bad, but in his case it turns out to be true. Oh, well. At least he?s
got an excuse, which is more than anyone else involved can say. I guess
Liz Hurley can claim to be too busy gold-digging to worry about the script.
SEE SOMETHING ELSE, THEN SNEAK IN FOR JUST THE BEGINNING
Goldmember is down to seven and by now everyone knows that the first five
minutes (the best of the movie outside of Beyonnce) contains a parody
within a parody, where Tom Cruise plays Austin Powers in a movie by Steven
Spielberg also starring, Gwyneth Paltrow (as Dixie Normous), Kevin Spacey,
Danny DeVito and John Travolta, all of whom make cameos. Then comes Britney
Spears and Quincy Jones and later The Osbournes, Katie Couric, Nathan
Lane and supposedly if you wade through the credits, you get to see Rob
Lowe. But cameos do not a good film make and nowhere is it more in evidence
than here.
ONCE UPON A TIME, CAGNEY WOULD HAVE PLAYED WESLEY?S ROLE
Undisputed, opens at number eight and in it Ving Rhames plays a boxer
who goes to jail for rape and winds up facing off against the prison?s
decade-long champ, Wesley Snipes. Basing the character on Mike Tyson is
as close reality as this film gets---unless the idea of Peter Falk as
an old-school mob boss with so much power he can organize an illegal boxing
match in prison (complete with mobsters coming to the prison in limos)
has more factual basis than I know. This is prison drama right out of
the 30?s and 40?s and it has not aged well. The simple, two-dimensional
characters (except in their individual "watch me act" scenes which vainly
attempt to give their characters depth) may have flown sixty years ago,
but not now. The saddest part is watching an otherwise great cast of actors
(including Jon Seda, Michael Rooker and Wes Studi) being completely wasted.
AT THIS POINT I HARDLY THINK PAMELA ANDERSON QUALIFIES AS REAL
S1m0ne opens at number nine and you worthless bastards should have read
my review of it in CMJ New Music Monthly, but since you?re probably too
cheap I guess I have to do it again here as well---but I won?t be near
as witty! Andrew Niccol must have loved the old SF shows The Twilight
Zone and The Outer Limits, because he keeps making big budget versions
of them. First was The Truman Show (he wrote it), which can be traced
to an actual Twilight Zone episode of a guy who?s life turns out to be
a TV show. Then came Gattaca, which is damn near every episode of The
Outer Limits you ever saw, complete with the uplifting humanistic ending.
And now there?s S1m0ne, easily one of the humorous Twilight Zone episodes.
The story of a has-been director who tires of actors and creates one with
computer who winds up causing him even more trouble, it?s supposed to
be a commentary on celebrity worship and show business, but someone should
really tell these people no one cares about satires on show business except
people in fucking show business! Not to mention, his need for some sort
of tender human moments totally intrudes on what is occasionally an effective
satire. But the weirdest thing about the movie is how much the actress
(she played Billy Campbell?s daughter on Once & Again) playing Al Pacino?s
daughter mirrors the artificial Simone, but no one seems to notice it.
HOW ABOUT "SENILITY AND THE SERIAL KILLER"
Bloodwork is down to number ten and Clint is apparently pissed at Warner
Brothers for not promoting his film properly and blaming its under-performance
on that. He also blames the under-performance of True Crime on it as well.
How about, you?re an old, old man and no one wants to see you, much less
see you kissing women young enough to be your granddaughters? Also, this
movie desperately needed a new title (and script, and leading man, and').
Right now it sounds like a freaking vampire movie.
"I NEED A GANGSTA BITCH'"
Lizzie Grubman is going to jail (and I still maintain that if you?re waiting
on line in the Hamptons, you deserve to get run over), which is only going
to help her in the end. Remember: she represents a lot of hip-hop stars
all of whom have been in jail too. They?ll really love her now (as opposed
to before, when she was just the White girl with an ass). Now she?s truly
one of them. I look forward to seeing her on Jay-Z?s arm at the Source
Awards "giving a shout out to all my bitches on lockdown from The LG.
Peace."
NOT TO MENTION AT LEAST THREE DIFFERENT SUPER FRIENDS THEMES
So I play the songs I?ve downloaded while I write this and for the life
of me, I cannot explain why I?ve got the shit I?ve got. Indulging a whim
is dangerous. Tarzan Boy is taking up valuable space on my computer right
now and I don?t know why. Andrew Gold?s "Lonely Boy" and "Ballad of the
Green Berets" I can explain, but "Tarzan Boy" by Baltimora? Was I drunk?
I SHOULD HAVE WORN THAT SHIRT TO THERAPY EVERY WEEK
That T-shirt you see is now my new favorite shirt in the world. Even moreso
than my new gay Captain American T-shirt. How does one get a gay Captain
America T-shirt? Well, I tell ya, any type of ribbed tank-top (commonly
known as "the wifebeater") that comes in a color is automatically gay.
Even if it?s black, it?s still a gay shirt. It can only be straight if
it?s white and barely then. So when I bought a blue one with Captain America?s
shield, I automatically had a gay Captain America T-shirt.
PROBABLY TOOK LESS TIME TO WRITE IT
I finished Pride & Prejudice! In under a year! Next I think I?ll read
that book by the French woman who fucked everybody. I bought it months
ago, but it joined the three foot pile on my floor of other unread/half-read
books. I can only hope it will be entertaining, because god knows the
French could take the fun out of getting a blowjob in a hammock while
eating ice cream ("Mon dieu! Zee ice cream, she is flavorless, and
zee 'ammock ?urts my bottom and Marie, you are using your teeth like a
Spaniard'"). Then again, I?ve got a three month backlog of Superman
comics that need reading. A geek?s gotta have his priorities.
LAUGHTER AND MONEY ARE THE ONLY WAYS GEEKS GET LAID
I hate it break it to all you Jimmy Fallon fans, but when I saw him talking
to Carson Daly (when I was at home waiting on the cable guy---again!)
, I saw what may have been the biggest dweeb in the world. It?s so sad,
but so understandable. He is a super colossal dork and like all dweebs
he compensated by being funny (we can smell our own). And I must admit,
anyone who would dress up like Bobby Brown in a video, complete with Gumby
haircut and biker shorts (with a gigantic bulge) is funny. I sit through
that "Idiot Boyfriend" video just to see that.
JERSEY GIRLS
I tried to watch Hysterical Blindess on HBO. I really did. A movie about
B&T girls in the 80?s seems tailor-made for me, but it wasn?t the Bridge
& Tunnel girls I know and love. They were sad, pathetic and depressing
and I couldn?t watch for more than a few minutes at a time. I much prefer
the bitter, hard-as-nails bitches I know. Also, I couldn?t handle Uma
Thurman?s accent. Her attempt at a New Yawk accent annoyed me throughout
Henry & June and her attempt at a New Joisey accent annoyed me here. Juliette
Lewis was no better, but she can add this to her ever-growing list of
white trash performances.
8/19/2002
"Don?t make me angry. You wouldn?t like me when I?m angry" ---
Bill Bixby as Bruce Banner in the Incredible Hulk pilot movie.
PRETTY SOON XXX WILL REFER TO HIS ADULT DIAPER SIZE
XXX holds on to the top spot and this still hasn?t done as well as it
should have. Also, the super saturation of the media may have turned some
people off, not to mention Vin Diesel?s constant mouthing off on how this
is for a younger generation that doesn?t care about James Bond. Again,
HE?S THIRTY-FUCKING-FIVE! What the hell does he know about "the kids"!?!
I?m thirty-five and "the kids" either frighten me or amuse me or both.
Even the choice of music is lame. Gavin Rossdale does the song at the
end. Maybe eight years ago (when Vin and I were both 27 and both Black)
this might have been a coup, but now it?s just sad (not to mention that
the song sucks). Notice you don?t hear this crap coming from Samuel Jackson,
who knows he?s an old man. He was pretty much just sleepwalking through
this for a paycheck, but still he got the best line in the movie (which
isn?t saying much). In reference to how he obtained his scar, he merely
comments, "A small price to pay for putting foot-to-ass for my country."
Now, that?s a movie I?d like to see. Samuel Jackson putting foot-to-ass
for his country. Not this wannabe rebel shit.
WHY MOVIES COST SO MUCH PT. 394
Signs holds at number two and were it not for the huge cost of Mel Gibson
($25M plus whatever backend deal he made) this might have been profitable
sooner. No doubt M. Night Shyamalan commanded a nice chunk of change for
his efforts as well (between the script and directing, no less than $10M).
Between the two, they most likely commanded half the $70M budget before
anyone else was even hired. God knows Cherry Jones ain?t commanding much.
After all, she?s an actress, not a movie star.
BUT WHERE ARE FRANKIE AND ANNETTE?
Opening at number three is Blue Crush, the last movie I was looking forward
to this summer. Hey, what?s not to like? Toned, tanned, scantly clad young
women in Hawaii. Yeah, they coulda been better looking, but to have supermodels
surfing would have been too much. For what it is, it?s an entertaining
enough movie using the age-old plot about an athlete struggling to regain
courage in time for The Big Contest/Game/Whatever. Shot in super-MTV style
with lots of quick cuts, the surfing footage is truly gorgeous---if you
can ignore the occasional use of digital effects and diving cameramen
(shouldn?t the digital effects have been used to hide the cameramen
in the water?). One big problem is the main character?s relationship with
her love interest, who?s supposed to be a pro quarterback in Hawaii for
the Pro Bowl. Granted, he has the traditional woman?s role, which is just
to look good and be supportive (now he should have been played by a model),
but as a professional athlete he should have had an understanding of her
that not even her friends would have, but it?s barely seen here except
for a little pep talk at The Big Contest. For a movie claiming to take
surfing seriously as a sport, it could have used a bit more realism to
it in regards to the characters. Hell, the water is deeper than they are.
If her two friends have parents or a life outside of her, we?re given
no clue of it. It?s especially troublesome given that they also try to
address some class issues. Yes, class issues in a movie about surfing.
Sigh.
OOPS, I DID IT TOO LATE
Spy Kids 2: Island of Lost Dreams is down to number four and in a case
of too little, too late, they have a sequence where the girl does a little
Britney Spears type performance. I?m sure this seemed like a good idea
when he planned it a year ago, but now it?s pretty much DOA. Given that
she?s a brunette, he would have been better served to have her pick up
an instrument and sing something a little more annoying. One funny bit,
however involves her brother as her guitarist. They have to wear uniforms
to spy school, so when he comes out in that uniform with a guitar, he
starts doing an impression of Angus Young from AC/DC.
THEN AGAIN, MICK KNEW MOSES
Goldmember is down to number five and one of the few underexposed high
points of the first film was Austin Powers?s band, Ming Tea, who had a
great little song at the end called "BBC 1." It?s actually kind of a minor
superband, given that it consists of Mike Myers, Susanna Hoffs (wife of
director Jay Roach) and Matthew Sweet. They return in this film and only
a geek like me would point out they if they were his band in the 60?s
then they should all be in their 50?s about now---but still younger than
The Rolling Stones.
NEXT, MY BIG FAT ARMENIAN WEDDING!
My Big Fat Greek Wedding continues to upset and annoy me by rising every
week. My god, this film is such crap! How in the world can it be the success
story of the year!?! This shit makes Lifetime movies seem deep!
CLINT KNEW MOSES TOO
Blood Work is down to number seven and it appears Clint?s run as a box
office star is just about over---at freaking 70. It?s pretty amazing when
you think about it and damn near without precedent. And unlike Sean Connery
he didn?t even have to populate his film with men half his age to sell
tickets. With the obvious exception of his female leads, Clint?s co-stars
have aged right along with him. I?m still recovering from all that old,
sagging ass in Space Cowboys.
ETC.
Road To Perdition is down to number eight, followed by The Master of Disguise
at number nine.
MAYBE EVEN A BEVERLY HILLS COP 4'
Finally, opening horribly at number ten is The Adventures of Pluto Nash.
Considered a disaster by all involved, this is at least two years old
and cost upwards of $100M, which Warner Brothers will never see again.
I just want to know how, with me in abject poverty, something like this
gets made? Who thought, "Hmmm, Casablanca in space as a comedy with Eddie
Murphy? Give it a hundred mil!" would be a good idea? Given this was made
over two years ago, it might have been what pushed Murphy into making
Nutty Professor 2 and Dr. Dolittle 2 and will no doubt push him into number
three of both films. Joining him in this disaster is Rosario Dawson (who
probably did it to support her art film habit), Pam Grier (improbably
playing Eddie Murphy?s mother), John Cleese (who apparently only knows
good comedy when he writes it), Randy Quaid (who can?t afford to turn
anything down), Jay Mohr (ditto) and Joe Pantoliano (who works so much,
he?s beyond caring). And to show just how old I am, I have no freaking
idea who B2K are or where they came from, but after seeing them I do know
one thing: that 12-year old boys should no more expose their chests than
12-year-old girls should dress like Britney Spears. Hell, I?m so far out
of it I initially thought they were a pop group created by Burger King
to promote the Whopper. In any case, they seem to be real and their performance
of a song in this movie is being used as a last minute effort to promote
it to the kids. Judging by the box office, the kids weren?t that stupid
either.
PRETENTIOUS PSEUDO INTELLECTUALS NEED LOVE TOO
Not breaking the top ten is Possession, a romantic drama based on the
novel by A.S. Byatt. I actually started reading this years ago, when the
Blight of My Life left it in my apartment during one of her quarterly
visits. It sat on the shelf for two years before I picked it up. And then,
of course, she took it back so I never finished it. It?s the story of
two academic types who fall in love while researching the possibility
of a secret affair between two poets of the Victorian Era. The book was
a big success amongst pretentious pseudo-intellects that feel themselves
above common romance novels, but desperately want the same things that
every Rosemary Rogers reading housewife wants. It wouldn?t be far from
the truth to say few academic types look like Gwyneth Paltrow and Aaron
Eckhart, but do you really want realism here in that way? I didn?t think
so. In fact, in his portrayal of an academic, Eckhart borders on man-crush
material. Finally playing with those good looks instead of against them,
he cuts quite the path. If college professors really looked like him,
you?d have to scotch-guard the seats of every class he taught. He sports
a constant perfect growth of two-day stubble, with immaculately messy
hair and a disheveled bohemian type wardrobe. Oh, yeah. You hit on any
girl after she?s been to his class on poetry and you?re gettin? some.
Gwyneth trots out her English accent for the fourth (Emma, Sliding Doors,
Shakespeare In Love) and least successful time. It was impressive before,
since we?d never seen her do it, but now it?s bordering on a Madonna-like
affectation. Supposedly the lovers of the book hate this movie outright,
based on the fact that Eckhart?s character was originally English. Well,
as a geek, I feel their pain, but as someone who only has the movie to
go by it?s a decent effort. It calls to mind one of my favorite films,
The French Lieutenant?s Woman, because the story goes back and forth from
the past to the present, but with not near that film?s art and grace about
it. Still, I liked it and good romantic dramas are even less in stock
than good romantic comedies. I may have to sneak a look at book?s ending
to see if it too backed away from being too bittersweet and tacked on
a seemingly forced nicer ending---only to reconsider that and then tack
on a little bitterness to that as well.
IT?S MORE THAN JUST BEER AND SAUSAGE
Also not breaking the top ten is Mostly Martha a German (yes, German)
romantic comedy about an uptight master chef whose perfectly organized,
yet empty life is intruded upon when she not only has to take on her orphaned
niece, but a free-spirited Italian chef joins her kitchen. Another old
story of the uptight person redeemed by a child and a free spirit, the
fact that this movie makes it work so well explains why they keep going
back to it. Also added to this mix is the important ingredient of food!
Glorious food! Make dinner plans before seeing this, because afterwards,
you will need to eat something wonderful. Who knew a German film could
be as enjoyable as this? They?re almost as bad the French with their bleak
fucking movies. And they?ve got the most twisted porn in the world. Then
again, knowing you caused two world wars doesn?t exactly fill you with
glee.
LE CRAP-EAU
Until I read my own review in CMJ New Music Monthly (you fuckers better
go buy it) I forgot that I did see The Chateau. I guess I?m trying to
forget the experience. Forget what you?ve read. Paul Rudd?s performance
is not worth sitting through this American Dogma crap. And the only thing
worse than a rapper turned actor is an unknown rapper turned actor? This
kinda crap is why people hate indie films.
HEY, I?M ON CHAPTER 48---ONLY 13 MORE TO GO!
So my cable is out and I?m suffering like I can?t remember. I?m to the
point where I?m going back to my other bad consumption habit: book buying.
Yes, I tend to buy actual books. Notice I didn?t say "I read books." No,
I just buy books and I spent the weekend looking for a definitive text
of The Count of Monte Cristo. It comes in either thousand page editions
or five hundred page editions. Since I couldn?t figure out which to buy,
I went home with Bridget Jones?s Diary. I?ll start that once I finish
the book which inspired it: Pride & Prejudice---which, as you all know,
I?ve been working on for the better part of a year now.
IT?S WHY XENA WARRIOR PRINCESS NEVER WON AN EMMY
Having no cable has forced me to watch network TV, which is an evil I
would inflict upon no man. It got so bad that I actually watched Alias
and I finally figured out why this get the respect Buffy The Vampire Slayer
has so lacked even though it?s the same type of series. It?s the title.
"Alias" is a short, enigmatic moniker which implies a sophistication not
possible if you called it what it really is: Sidney The Co-Ed Superspy.
But I understand. There?s shit I won?t take seriously either based purely
on the name. For example: this entire group of neo-soul singers with stupid
names. I simply cannot respect someone who calls himself "Musiq Soulchild"
and his album "Aijuswanasang." The sad part of it all is his music isn?t
bad. I just won?t have that pretentious shit in my house. So I totally
understand someone who love Alias but won?t watch Buffy. But Buffy is
better because Buffy knows you have to have a sense of humor when you?re
dealing with such an outlandish premise. Alias takes itself much too seriously.
ISLAND GIRL/WHAT YOU WANTING WITH THIS WHITE MAN?S WORLD'
Another horrible side effect of no cable is seeing more commercials. While
I love all the super creepy Hard Lemonade commercials, to get to them
you must endure far too many horrendously detailed hygiene ads, male-bonding
beer commercials and one particularly heinous Bora Bora perfume commercial.
This really bothers me because if you reversed the plot of the commercial
(Blonde guy shows up on island and gorgeous Island Girl cannot resist
him) and had some brown guy from the south pacific showing up and ravishing
some blonde woman, all hell would break loose.
OFFICIALLY THE LAST MAN STANDING
Okay, it?s official. All my friends are now married. Nice Jewish Doctor
married Nice Jewish Neurosurgeon last week in a civil ceremony at City
Hall. I called in sick to work because I wouldn?t miss it for the world'and
of course I did miss it. First, I went to the wrong City Hall building.
Then I had to go through security, so by the time I got up there at 11:05,
they were already inside. I was searching the hall looking for them and
by the time I made my second sweep, pictures were being taken. The whole
thing had taken exactly 1:07 (her nephew actually timed it). Now, I fuck
up more than any ten people you know, so I?ve kinda gotten used to it,
but this one actually bothers me. It was the second wedding of a friend
I?d missed in two weeks. My roommate from my senior year had gotten married
in the Bahamas the previous week and that I couldn?t attend because I
suddenly found myself with a $1000 therapy bill I hadn?t expected because
my insurance ended. I was supposed to get stinking drunk with his brother
who?s my unofficial tech support for this web-page and I was looking forward
to that (the wedding too).
YOU PUT THE "T" IN TROPHY, HONEY
Finally, just what has Kimora Lee done? I keep seeing Russell Simmons?s
trophy wife everywhere and she?s being interviewed about her clothing
line of Baby Phat like she?s accomplished something. She was born beautiful,
married a rich man twice her age---who up until that time had devoted
his life to trying to fuck all her friends---and gets to play with his
money and his already existing clothing line. Since when has this become
a skill? On top of this she claims she?s not a trophy wife. Denial is
not just a river in Egypt and apparently Cleopatra isn?t its only queen.
8/12/2002
"'you gotta remember these are just simple farmers'people of the land'the
common clay of the new west. You know'morons." --- Gene Wilder to
Cleavon Little in Blazing Saddles, written by, among others, Mel Brooks
and Richard Pryor
DIESEL, VIN DIESEL
Opening at number one to no one?s surprise is XXX, an attempt to Bogart
into the success of the Bond franchise by re-imagining secret agents for
a new generation who find 007 boring and stuffy. This isn?t just my opinion,
it?s openly stated by the producers who have a secret agent in a tux get
murdered in the film?s opening scene. And that?s as subtle as it gets,
as this movie takes every Bondian conceit to the next level. The interesting
title sequence to a song? That comes at the end of the movie, not the
beginning. Think Bond defied the laws of physics? Until you see Vin Diesel
on his magical flying bike, that seemingly goes vertical at will, with
no need for any sort of incline. Then there?s the outracing of an avalanche
on a snowboard' The end result is moderately entertaining, unintentional
comedy. Vin Diesel is Xander Cage, a.k.a., XXX, an extreme sports athlete
recruited by the government and his casting goes kinda against the grain
of this film. At 35, Vin Diesel is hardly young. In fact, he?s at the
age most extreme sports guys are starting to feel the effect of twenty
years of impacting one?s joints. Not to mention, he?ll be pushing 40 by
the time the first sequel gets off the ground. Also, if you?re going to
rebuke Bond stop adhering to so many of its rules unchanged. You?ve got
your gadget geek, your gadgets, your over-used plot of post-Cold War Russians
gone wild and the sad insistence on a PG rating. For a rule-breaking film,
there?s precious little sex and absolutely no nudity, not to mention cursing
or interesting violence---just a lot of stunts, which I could get with
any Bond film. And the women would be better looking. I?ve got nothing
against Asia Argento (imagine an Italian Angelina Jolie, complete with
a lot of weird tattoos), she?s interesting enough, but exchanging beauty
for skankiness is what I do in a bar near closing time, not what I expect
from a film budgeted at $100M. Then again, Vin Diesel is butt-ugly, so
it wouldn?t make sense that he?d attract women who were too good-looking.
MORONS FROM SPACE
Signs is down to number two and yet another one of the Culkin clan is
in this film and I swear, they all look so much alike that I?m beginning
to think they aren?t so much brothers as clones of the first one. By now
you must realize that the alien invasion is real (they pretty much show
the alien in the commercial and it?s not exactly nice) and for a civilization
advanced enough to build ships to travel trillions of miles they?re pretty
freaking stupid. First there?s the whole crop circle thing. When you?re
parked in orbit, you can?t see a fucking crop circle and if you have the
technology to get into orbit, can?t you think of a better beacon than
one that will attract the attention of the whole freaking population?
Then there?s the aliens? ultimate weakness. Without giving it away, let?s
just say they?re even dumber than the Martians in War on the Worlds, who
were smart enough to travel here from Mars, but too stupid to understand
the concept of disinfectant.
SADLY, THERE WILL BE A THIRD ONE
Spy Kids 2: The Island of Lost Dreams opens at number four and was this
ever a disappointment, because the first one was such a surprise delight.
Gone is the wonderful child?s conceit that, beneath your boring, normal
environment, lurks a secret world of amazing things. Now, it?s amazing
all the time with no break or contrast to make you realize how special
it is. This time around the kids are part of the Spy Kids organization
and in competition with a pair of little WASPy Blonde spy kids over something
I can?t remember because it all got lost in Robert Rodriguez?s newfound
delight with digital effects. He?s like a lower budgeted George Lucas
that way. Granted, he still has a sense of humanity, but his primary concern
was obviously a new twist or special effect every other moment. In the
first one, all the gadgets were merely the icing on the cake, but this
is like eating nothing but icing for ninety minutes (which I have done,
by the way).
THEY TRULY WERE NOT "READY FOR THAT JELLY"
Goldmember is down to number four and the casting of Beyonnce Knowles
was a stroke of minor genius as it attracted an audience that might not
have otherwise made the effort to see this movie (younger people, minorities).
It was also good for her, as rather than make the mistake of trying to
carry an entire film on her shoulders, she made her entry into major films
by hopping onto a successful franchise and actually comes off well. Not
to mention looking amazing. And quite frankly, the video for Beyonnce?s
song for this movie more than justifies its existence. Whomever the shameless
director for "Work It Out" is, who not only talked her into wearing a
skirt much too short for her, but also into wearing tight jeans while
wiggling around with a hula-hoop, we need to hunt him down' and then drop
to our knees and thank him for it. But not all of us. Apparently, the
frat boy contingent that runs Maxim is afraid of women who don?t look
like 12-year old boys with breasts and retouched her photos to reduce
her ass and thighs. Sigh. Maybe I was wrong. Maybe there actually is a
need for a that lame Black version of Maxim called King. I can guarantee
you they aren?t reducing anyone?s ass.
TOO OLD TO KNOW BETTER OR CHANGE
Blood Work opens at number five and I only saw this because it was free.
Why? Well, if you?ve seen the trailer you see that the plot is about an
F.B.I. profiler who has a heart attack while chasing a serial killer.
If you notice, he does so alone even though there are dozens of other,
younger cops there who might have caught the guy without possibly dying
in the attempt. Why he doesn?t yell out "Hey, there?s the killer!"!?!
Also, years later, when the guy starts up again and Clint goes looking
for him he has to do it pretty much alone, because he apparently made
no friends during a career in the F.B.I. Instead, he has to all-but beg
local law enforcement for a little help. This kind of "solo cop" crap
may have worked back in the Dirty Harry days, but in a post-Silence of
the Lambs world, it?s nothing short of ridiculous. And it doesn?t stop
there. If you don?t know exactly what?s going to happen less than twenty
minutes in, then you?re either stupid or you?ve never seen a movie in
your life. And Clint?s got balls the size of Jupiter to keep taking his
shirt of in movies, not to mention giving himself love interests half
his freaking age. One good thing I can say is that every woman in this
film is strong and capable and two out of the three female leads are minorities
(who don?t die in the end).
ONE MORE TIME: YOU CAN?T SELL WHAT YOU?VE ALREADY GIVEN AWAY
The Master of Disguise is down to number six, dropping almost 60% in its
second week, but you know the people behind such summer children?s duds
as Hey, Arnold and The PowerPuff Girls must be wondering just what they
did that was so wrong when obviously anything made for kids can make a
buck.
TIME TO JUST SHAVE IT ALL OFF, PRETTY BOY
The Road To Perdition is down to number seven and much has been made over
trying to make Jude Law look unattractive in this. Well, that?s a whole
lot easier since he started to lose his hair, now isn?t it? Maybe he should
give Matthew McConaughey a call. "Hey, you?re pretty like me and was prematurely
touted as the next big thing. What did you do when you started to lose
your hair?"
THE REST
Martin Lawrence Runteldat is down to number eight, followed by My Big
Fat Greek Wedding at number nine, with Stuart Little closing out the top
ten at number ten.
A SURPRISE FOUND WHILE SLUMMING
Not breaking the top ten and not motivating me at all is The Good Girl.
Sorry, but I simply could not work up the motivation to see this despite
the good reviews it?s been getting. I maintain my wish that the entire
cast of Straight White Friends suffer a miserable movie career. Besides,
indie films are the last refuge of someone who failed at mainstream films,
right before they end up making family films. She took her shot with a
series of mainstream romantic comedies before coming to this. At least
with George Clooney he made it clear that once he had enough money he
was only going to do what he wanted. Anniston has always had a well-paying
regular gig. She never had to do Picture Perfect.
COULD HAVE BEEN WORSE; HER NAME COULD HAVE BEEN JUSTICE
Liberty Stands Still is a straight to cable effort from Wesley Snipes,
whom you think would be to big for such a fate, but it?s easy to see why
no one released it. Low budget, shot obviously in Canada, it?s a an anti-gun
rant disguised as a movie. It?s sad, because it gives him a chance to
do the quiet intensity thing that he does so well. Even more ironic is
that he?s playing the character he normally plays: a government agent.
In this case he?s a CIA agent whose daughter is killed in school by a
deranged kid with a handgun, so he goes after the manufacturer of that
gun. Or to be more accurately, Linda Fiorentino, whose family is in the
arms business. He holds her at bay with a sniper rifle while he talks
to her on her cell phone (name is Liberty, hence the play on words in
the title---yes, I know that?s sad). More happens than this, but that?s
the gist of it. Besides, it?s all secondary to the thinly disguised rant
against guns. And it?s supposed to be ironic that he?s using a gun and
killing people to make his point. And for all you Hart Bochner fans who
wondered what happened to him, well here he is.
DID I MENTION CHEERLEADERS!?!
I?ve resisted the reality show craze for the most part, but even I have
stumbled with Bands on the Run. Now, comes my next stumble: Hard Knock
Life Dallas Cowboys on HBO. An In Style-subscribing-Cary-Grant-loving-almost-a-queer
I may be, but I love football! And I?ve missed it these past seven months,
so I?m desperate for any taste of it. This is what lead to watching this
show. I ignored last season, because who gives a fuck about Baltimore
in general, much less their football team? But this is Dallas---who obviously
made a deal with the devil for their glory days and are paying for it
now---where football is damn near religion so it?s actually interesting.
Plus---and this it what sealed the deal---we get to follow the DALLAS
COWBOY CHEERLEADERS! Yes, as a break from watching aspiring football players
we get to see aspiring DALLAS COWBOY CHEERLEADERS. And because it?s freaking
Texas, it?s weirder than you could possibly imagine. They make these women
go to etiquette school! For freaking cheerleading! Then they tell women
they normally put in white boots, hot pants and not much else how to dress
like ladies otherwise! It?s a madonna-whore complex like you could never
imagine. And the football part is pretty interesting too. It?s pure soap
opera over who?s going to make it and who isn?t. I can tell you right
now the singing quarterback and the singing wide receiver aren?t going
to make it. They both suck too much musically for it not to bleed over
to other areas.
THIS IS LIKE, THE 18TH ASSASSINATION ATTEMPT ON THIS GUY
Speaking of guilty pleasures, why do I keep watching those damn Secret
Service agent movies on TBS? I never watch them purely, but I leave them
on in the background and last night was no different. First Shot, the
second sequel to First Daughter (First Target, where Daryl Hannah replaced
Mariel Hemmingway, who thought the script sucked, was the second) premiered
last night'again and again and again. Sometimes, I turned the channel,
sometimes I turned the sound off, but I didn?t really leave until it was
over. And then, of course, they re-ran First Daughter and First Target'which
I had to watch again. Sigh. Kill me now. Still, it?s amazing how Gregory
Harrison?s looks have held up after all these years. Whatever he?s doing,
he needs to be selling.
ME, ME, ME AND MORE ME
Finally, you all need to go out and buy the August issue of CMJ New Music
monthly. Why? ?Cause I?m in it goddamnit. Yeah, I got the band back together
and we?re going to really make it this time, because now I can actually
play guitar. Well, not really. Just buy it and go to page 10. You?ve gotten
me free for too long now. Time to start paying. No, it?s not cheap, but
leave off buying fucking Maxim for a month and get it. Besides, you get
a sampler CD along with it. Granted, I didn?t get one when I got my free
copy, but that?s okay. I?m too old for the new music anyway, as evidenced
by my joy at learning how to play Duran Duran?s "Ordinary World" last
week and my rejection of all the hot new artists (The Hives, White Stripes)
as Buzzcocks imitators. And they are.
8/5/2002
"Nothing that a rooftop and a AK-47 wouldn?t take care of."
--- Janene Garafalo?s response after being asked if there were a problem in
The Truth About Cats & Dogs, written by Audrey Wells
DO NOT ATTEMPT TO ADJUST YOUR TELEVISION SETS'
Opening at is number one is Signs, M. Night Shyamalan?s latest deliberately
paced (i.e., slow) work, which only served to remind me just how good The Outer
Limits TV show really was, as like his other two movies, it?s just one of those
episodes stretched out to movie length. It?s even got that low-budget type of
feel to it, where everything would take place on one set because all the money
went to this weeks? monster which only shows up in the last quarter of the show.
It?s a definite step up from Unbreakable, being both shorter and not waiting
until the end of the movie to explain itself. It also as a welcome sense of
humor to make all the other gravitas bearable. Midway through you know what?s
going on and we just take it from there. Mel Gibson plays a recently widowed
farmer/former pastor who wakes up one morning to find mysterious crop circles
on his property. Joaquin Phoenix-- -who is too ugly to be related to him---plays
his younger brother (which he?s also too young for), who moved in to help with
the two children after his sister-in-law?s death. The movie tries to tie in
Gibson?s loss of faith after his wife?s accidental death to the alien invasion
with mixed results. It really doesn?t work, ?cause you think if anything would
get God to make a personal appearance, it?s an invasion from space. It?s not
nearly as scary as you might think (and we know how I hate scary) because every
single would-be chill is simply so predictable. Everyone knows that the moment
things appear to be their safest, something?s going to happen and it usually
does.
ALSO M.I.A.: "SHE?S A MAN, BABY!"
Austin Powers in Goldmember is down to number two and the money made by this
piece of crap is frightening. There are jokes in here that a 7th grader would
turn his nose up at, but apparently the same moron contingent that made Mr.
Deeds a hit needed something new to see'over and over and over again. In retrospect
I realize some very important elements of the franchise weren?t even present.
For example: "Do I make you horny, baby?" wasn?t mentioned even once. And where
was that ugly-ass cat? Not that these elements aren?t overused, but still they
would have been funnier than that "mole" gag.
WE?RE SURROUNDED BY THE HUMORLY CHALLENGED THIS WEEK
Speaking of unfunny, overly successful SNL cast members, Master of Disguise
opens surprisingly well at number three. In fact, for a man who?s been MIA for
the last five or six years (heart surgery and resulting complications), Dana
Carvey is rivaling Jodie Foster for comeback abilities this year. Outside of
his impressions, I?ve never found Dana Carvey funny and if you see him on a
talk show, without them he?s lost (though his Jimmy Stewart talking dirty bit
still kills).
DID I MENTION HE?S NOT FUNNY?
Martin Lawrence: Runteldat opens at number four and I maintain that if you think
Martin Lawrence is funny, you obviously misheard him. He is not now, nor has
he ever been funny. Supposedly, this is his attempt to do a Richard Pryor Live
on the Sunset Strip, where he talks openly about his run-ins with the law. The
only difference is, Richard Pryor was funny! Also, he hates the media for daring
to report that he was running around crazed with a gun. Hell, he?s lucky anyone
gives a shit about him. After all, his name isn?t Will Smith. There?s no Men
In Black or Oscar nomination under his belt. And he?s ugly too.
BABYCART TO THE MULTIPLEX
Road to Perdition is down to number five and it was pointed out to me by my
Comic Book Pusher and his wife ("I?m yo? mama/I?m yo daddy/I?m that geek in
the alley/I?m yo? Comic Book Pusha'") that Road to Perdition is in fact a rip
off of Lone Wolf & Cub, a series of Japanese comics where were adapted into
movies in the early 70?s. It?s the story of ronin (masterless samurai) roaming
the countryside as a hired assassin with his young son after his wife is murdered
in an attempt to destroy him by an enemy family. They were called "Babycart
to Hell" movies because the kid was in a wooden stroller known as a babycart
("Baby Cart At the River Styx" "Baby Cart in Peril" "Baby Cart Goes to Hades"
etc). In 1980, the first two movies were edited together and released here as
Shogun Assassin. Since I don?t have to tell you "perdition" means "hell" the
similarities must be obvious.
WHEN YOU?RE TALENTED, LESS IS MORE
Stuart Little 2 is down to number six, followed by Men In Black 2 at number
seven and sadly, My Big Fat Greek Wedding rising to number eight. How cliched
and useless is this movie? Well, the WASP family is depicted as cold and boring
lacking the lusty zest for life of the Greeks. Gee, that?s such a novel idea.
I mean, it?s not like Woody Allen did the same thing to perfection in 1977 with
a three minute sequence in Annie Hall. Sigh.
HARRISON FORD IN "THE LONG GOODBYE"
K:19 is down to number nine, and shunned by the public, rejected by the critics
and despised by the surviving men who actually lived the event, this effectively
ends Harrison Ford?s reign as "Mr. August" so named because he was one of the
few actors who could open a film in late summer and still have it be a hit.
THE END
Finally, The Country Bears closes out the top ten at number ten and hopefully
this failure means the end of more movies based on Disney Park creations.
MORE LIKE "FULL ASS"
Not breaking the top ten and not deserving to is Full Frontal, Steven Soderbergh?s
unofficial "companion" to sex, lies & videotape, and I?m going to kick his ass
for daring to tarnish such a great film with this piece of shit. How bad is
it? It?s so bad, I literally became nauseous halfway through it and spent the
rest of the day either puking or curled up in the fetal position. I?m not kidding.
As a result I was unable to either join either Young Married Couple (to celebrate
his birthday), or Married Couple From New Jersey who made a rare incursion into
the city for dinner. So this movie not only sucked, but also cost me personally.
But as much as I feel sorry for myself, I feel even sorrier for Blair Underwood.
You know he had to be thinking this was finally his big break. Unable to make
anything out of LA Law, how could a movie directed by Steven Soderbergh, starring
Julia Roberts not be a success? Well, this is how. Hideously shot on digital
video, it?s the story of a group of LA people whose lives intersect before a
party they?re all scheduled to attend. Not nearly as thrilling as it sounds,
this was 101 minutes of pure fucking pain. Only Nicky Katt stands out as a pretentious
actor doing a show about Hitler ("The Power & The Furher"). Catherine Keener
is also in this and again she does her brittle neurotic character to absolute
perfection, but she needs to stop and do something else. Judy Davis once did
this to perfection as well, complete with Oscar nominations, but where is she
now? Blair Underwood says the question he keeps getting asked is about kissing
Julia Roberts. Who gives a shit when he?s got a sex scene with Catherine Keener
(even though it?s shot as a series of blurred images)!?! Now, that?s something
to talk about. This was Soderbergh?s last film in LA (he?s now based in New
York) and hopefully we won?t see its like again.
NOW THAT?S ITALIAN!
Last Kiss doesn?t break the top ten, but if more foreign films were like this
Sundance Award Winner I might not hate them so much. Yeah it?s still two hours
when 90 minutes will do and there?s a suspicious lack of nudity (I thought this
film was Italian), but still enjoyable. The story of a group of friends who
suddenly develop a pre-mid-life crisis at the age of 29, it?s filled with successful,
great looking people with none of the poverty, politics or obsession with bodily
fluids that have marred more foreign films that I care to mention. Yes, we Americans
may unnaturally avoid all mention of such subjects beyond toilet humor, but
the European obsession with them is downright creepy (besides, who wants to
think of George Clooney or Michelle Pfieffer taking a dump?). None of that here,
however. The catalyst for the film is the lead character?s girlfriend announcing
her pregnancy just before the wedding of one of his friends where he meets a
stunning 18-year-old that he begins to pursue. The irony is, the only woman
more beautiful than the teenager in all of Italy may just be his girlfriend.
Also in the mix is the story of the girlfriend?s parents. It?s her mother (played
by Stefania Sanderelli of Divorce Italian Style) who?s grown restless and is
looking for love elsewhere to combat her own feelings of lost youth. There?s
a moment in the film where the girlfriend explodes in a jealous rage and the
actress is so convincing, I felt the urge to move back a few rows in the theater.
Bad Influence warned me once about incurring the wrath of Italian women ("Especially
Sicilians," he said) and having already dealt with Meadow Soprano?s ire (as
well as Chasing Amy, who was also of Mediterranean descent), I had no reason
to doubt him, but the fury displayed in this movie is almost scary. Another
woman finds herself rejected and seems so crestfallen that you wonder about
her long after the movie is over. Is this why Italian can?t win wars? They?re
simply too emotional to get the job done. Military maneuvers can?t be carried
out properly because everyone is so upset over the casualties to come?
BUT THEY LEFT OUT TYRA BANKS WHO WAS ON KOBE?S ALBUM
No Hit Wonders on MTV was nothing short of hysterical, but I have to admit I
liked that Milla Jovovich single. In fact, one thing they left out was that
it got good reviews. Also, Don Johnson?s horrible song did in fact break the
top ten. One major problem with any of these MTV shows is their insistence on
using their VJ?s for commentary. What the fuck does a VJ know about music? In
fact, the most witty and insightful commentary came from the real critics.
A BRICKHOUSE NEEDS NO RENEVATIONS
Cribs continues to disappoint, but it was worth sitting through to look at Natalie
Raitano?s amazing body. In fact, she used to be perfect until she let Pamela
Anderson talk her into getting breast implants. Why, I?ll never understand,
as she was fucking perfect to begin with. Sigh. Never ask again why men run
the world when women continously do dumb shit like this. To each other, no less.
I always like seeing New York homes, though because it?s such a contrast between
what we have here and the spacious dwellings everywhere else in the country.
However, for a minor star, John Leguizamo had a pretty nice space. Definitely
better than the hovel Moby showed to the world a few years back. And is just
me, or was it out of focus on him most of the time? And he?s right. I almost
had a heart attack seeing the bathroom where he destroyed valuable comics to
make wallpaper.
NEW FAVORITE SITE
This comes courtesy of the Young Married Father. My new favorite website: www.notproud.com.
Nothing could be more fun than confession after confession of each of the seven
sins. My favorites are pride, sloth and envy. And no, I?ve written none of them.
WHAT MAKES A GEEK THE ANGRIEST OF ALL
Finally, almost twenty years ago, Frank Miller caused a minor revolution within
comics with his dark vision of the future in Batman: The Dark Knight Returns.
In this mini-series set twenty years in the future, super-heroes have been outlawed
by a fascist government and only Superman is still around to act, but only under
the conditions that he do so in total secrecy and under government control.
Pushed to the edge, a 55-year-old Bruce Wayne breaks out the tights and brings
Batman out of retirement to kick a little ass in a crime-ridden Gotham city.
Eventually, this leads the government to send Superman to put him down. This
leads to a knock down drag out fight which Superman loses (to his credit, Superman
had just come from almost being killed by an atomic blast and Batman used kryptonite)
just as Batman has a heart attack and dies. Or so it seems. Actually, he?s faked
his death to start over again in secret. This did so well that the next few
years were dominated by almost all comic books suddenly going "dark" and revisionist
history wherein Superman and Batman were not the best friends they?d been before
(remember World?s Finest comics, the monthly team-up of Superman & Batman?),
but begrudging allies at best and flat out enemies at worst. Now it?s 2002 and
apparently life outside mainstream comics isn?t making enough money (ever read
his Sin City books? Me neither), so Frank Miller returned to create a sequel
entitled The Dark Knight Strikes Back, wherein Batman returns (again) to finally
free the world from the dominance of Lex Luthor, who is controlling Superman
and the world?s remaining superheroes through the use of killer satellites and
holding the bottle city of Kandor hostage (it?s a long story but there?s one
last city from Krypton that has survived because it was shrunk down and placed
in a bottle by the villain, Brainiac). It is nothing but garish, bitter, cynical
crap for three issues at $8 a pop. Now, I hardly corner the market on optimism,
but that?s why I read fucking comic books so even I can take a break from myself.
The last thing I need to see an account of superheroes who come to learn that
the end does justify the means and that one of my favorite characters, Dick
Grayson---who was conspicuously absent from the first Dark Knight series, though
mentioned often---has been genetically altered by a corrupt government into
a homicidal maniac who goes by the name "Joker Boy" and kills at least two heroes
before Batman kills him. And if this isn?t reason enough for you to join me
in my new hatred of Frank Miller, then you might want to know that he hates
that Marvel Comics is now making comic books about cops and firemen in the wake
of 9/11. He calls them "crying fireman" comics. Yes, the man is an asshole.