JANUARY ARCHIVE

"I often looked at my penis and thought, 'You moron.'" --- Paul Theroux

"YOUSE A FINE ASS WEDDING PLANNER/BACK THAT ASS UP"

In a move of blatant counter programming for Super Bowl weekend, The Wedding Planner opens at number one. Personally, I think a Valentine's Day opening would have been better (Valentine's Day is Wednesday this year, giving you a five day total), but hey, don't listen to me. This is as cookie cutter as a romantic comedy can get without either Julia Roberts or Sandra Bullock present. There are no surprises, but if comfortable familiarity is your thing, it won't hurt too much either. Jennifer Lopez avenges years of Hollywood miscasting by playing a full-blooded Italian and everyone else pretends not to notice. Not having any other Latinos present definitely helps. In fact, given that this takes place in San Francisco (a city I love, but frightens me with its instability and nasty rich geeks), I half expected her to bump into Penelope Cruz who was also there with Woman on Top. At least that movie had a great soundtrack. Matthew McConanughey is becoming the new Bruce Willis, as every movie is forced to extend its budget to help hide his vanishing hairline. Still, if he and Jennifer Lopez didn't hump every night, I have to ask why the hell not? What's the point in being a young, single, good-looking movie star if you're not going to bone other young, single, good looking movie stars?

NO BIG LOSS

Save the Last Dance is down to number two and there's the inevitable part in this movie where even Julia Stiles' friends turn on her for "stealing a one of the few good black men." Of course I had to wonder why no one had ever made this comment about my own interracial dating. It was more "The white girl took the middle management comic book geek off our hands? Thank god. Is your brother out of jail yet?" No, I'm not bitter.

ONLY IF I HAVE TO

Cast Away is down to number three, followed by Traffic at number four and I realized the only way I'll see either of them is if excessive Academy Award nominations force me to. By excessive, I mean nominations out side of Best Sound Editing, or shit like that.

MY HATRED OUT WEIGHS MY PERVERSION

No I did not see Sugar and Spice, which opens poorly at number five. Yes, I know it's a cheerleader movie, but still I did not go. Why? Two words: Mena Suvari. I cannot stand her. She's the first of the new generation of actors whose mere presence can dissuade me from seeing a film. She's not pretty, has bad teeth and with the exception of American Beauty, has never made a good movie (American Pie sucked and you know it). And how much does it hurt Sean Young to have to play her mother? Once upon a time, she was the hot young thing, but she pissed it away in a series of bad movie choices and a psychotic attraction to James Woods. But come to think of it now, she never made a good movie either. Okay, she was in Stripes, but that's it. Blade Runner sucked and I don't care what you geeks say. It looked good, but it sucked and after that we have what? Firebirds? No Way Out? Cousins? The Boost? A Kiss Before Dying? Hell, maybe she should be playing Mena Suvari's mother after all.

HEY, HOW'S YOUR SCREAMING CHICKEN, IF YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN?

Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon is up to number six this week and unlike the immediately following Snatch at number seven, neither title is a euphemism for human genitalia---but wouldn't it be funny if they were. All of Asia would be laughing at us because we were heaping praise upon a movie essentially named "Dick and Pussy." Actually, I believe the proper Eastern terminology is Jade Gate and Jade Garden. Hmmm. That's not funny.

THE MASTER

Finding Forrester is down to number nine and if Matthew McConaughey really wants to know the future of his head in movies, he need only glance at some of the ungodly pieces worn by Sean Connery over the years. I'm torn between the brillo pad worn in The Hunt For Red October and the heavy metal wig worn briefly at the beginning of The Rock as my favorite bad pieces. The rug in this one is silly, bad and unnecessary.

WRAP IT UP

What Women Want is down to number nine, followed by Miss Congeniality at number ten, but their mutual success assures us we're going to assaulted by more bad Mel Gibson comedies and Sandra Bullock comedies in the years to come. Now Mel has at least made some good movies (The Year of Living Dangerously, The Road Warrior, half of Braveheart, all but the last ten minutes of Ransom and?that's just about it), but Sandra Bullock only has Speed. Come to think of it, are there any so-called superstars that have actually made consistently good movies? Bruce Willis? No. Julia Roberts? Hell, no. Tom Cruise? Please. Anybody?

RETURN TO FORM

After my brief excursion into the world of social interaction, I had to find my true inner geek again in the purchase of a new 30 gig hard drive, installation of a USB upgrade card and a new pro optical mouse (the kind with a laser, but no ball). Man, does that ever feel good. Only seeing the commercial for The Mists of Avalon made me feel better than that.

STILL NOT A PLAYA

Speaking of rediscovering my inner geek, what do you do when you see one of the most exquisite creatures ever to walk this earth (imagine Vanessa Williams with better skin) on the train? Stare at her until you get off at 8th Street, then go buy a shitload of comic books, that's what.

SUPER CRAP

Yes, I watched the Super Bowl. When are people going to stop being surprised that I enjoy football and like nice cars!?! I'm not a complete girly man. Anyway, unlike last year, this year truly sucked?What the hell is Sting doing wearing gold lame? I kept the sound off, as the sight alone was horrible enough?That commercial about the short guys in the SUV isn't funny at all, goddamnit!?Is anyone enjoying all the football players cursing as much as I am?? Military propaganda followed by The Backstreet Boys. This is truly hell?like Homer Simpson says, the Sarah Fergurson commercial is funny 'cause it's true?N'Sync, if you stand still while you sing, it probably wouldn't suck quite as much?The parents of all the N'Sync fans were on the Aerosmith side. Apparently, Aerosmith is prepared to whore themselves however they have to. Hey, if it worked with Run DMC 15 years ago, then it'll work with the boy bands now?The question isn't whether or not Brittney Spears is sleeping with the lead singer of N'Sync, but how often. They are only 19 you know. I'm figuring once every 15 mintues?.And if you still think Brittney's breasts are fake after all the bouncing around she was doing, then there's nothing I can say to you. Like the man said, "It must be jelly, 'cause jam don't shake like that."...Why was Mary J. Blige even there? Same for Nelly?I'm glad the Ravens won. Aside from the fact that the Giants have played in New Jersey for 25 fucking years, the Ravens are the only football team named after a piece of literature. That's one for the English majors of the world.

A LONE VOICE IN THE WILDERNESS GOES SILENT

For whatever reasons, for the last two years, I have felt the need to be the only straight man defending Christina Aguilera against every woman in the world, as you all seem to hate her. Isn't it bad enough that she will spend her life dating gay men and wife beaters? Does she need your scorn on top of it? However, I can't defend the way she looks in Ricky Martin's new video. Apparently, she saw the cheapest looking porn star around and decided to look like that. She truly is the new Mariah Carey. Aren't stylists supposed to protect you from yourself?

SO, YOU THINK YOU KNOW WOMEN, HUH?

Given the relatively recent discovery that a woman's clitoris is in actuality nine inches long (only one or two protrude, the rest is internal), I'm pretty sure every woman that ever said that size doesn't matter WAS LYING! Let's face it: if you're not packing matching equipment, you're failing to, shall we say, "maximize her potential." Other disturbing facts are that it's almost a mirror image of the penis, complete with a head and a shaft. Now, I knew that much, but that nine inches thing is really fucking with my mind.

THE GUY DOING TITLES KNEW FIRST, EVEN BEFORE THE ZERO MAN

Recently, I pointed out to a friend that Courtney Cox Arquette was billed simply Courtney Cox in the trailer for 3,000 Miles To Graceland. Now, they're constantly denying rumors that she thew him out of the house and their marriage is over. Uh-Huh.

NO, I DUMPED YOU FIRST!

"Hollywood is high school with money," said Martin Mull and there's no greater proof than in Meg Ryan's and Russell Crowe's morning-after-break-up-in-the-school-parking-lot competition of "who dumped who first." I personally think he bolted when she got too clingy. She looks the type and if there's anything you know about Russell Crowe, it's that he's not sticking around. Not when there are more Jade Gardens to be visited.

THERE MAY BE SUCH A THING AS BEING "TOO DAMN MANLY"

Speaking of Russell Crowe, here's the manliest goddamn pussy chronology I've seen recently: fuck Meg Ryan, dump Meg Ryan, fuck Peta Wilson, try to fuck 19-year-old Leelee Sobieski after the Golden Globe awards (like he tried to fuck Winona Ryder after the Academy Awards) but wind up fucking Courtney Love instead. And this is just the shit we know about!

IF YOU LOOK CLOSELY, THE WORDS "I AM STUPID" ARE ON EVERY PAIR

Toni Braxton was forbidden to perform by her doctor because of a ruptured breast implant. Ahem. Just how fucking stupid is this woman? If she is here on this planet for any reason at all, it's to sing and she's willing to put that in the backseat so the average trucker thinks she looks hot. One more time for those of you who are slow: this is why men run the world. Can you imagine a man giving up his career simply to look more attractive to women? Granted, there's no shortage of weird baldness cures out there, but they don't leak into your head if you think too much and no one is going to choose a full head of hair over a fucking multi-million dollar career. You think Elton John would choose that ridiculous hair transplant he's got over actually performing? God knows he probably should, given the crap he's been putting out for the last few years, but he would not.

DUMB JOCK IS REDUNDANT, NO?

Rae Carruth. I cannot believe this fuck beat the death penalty. They had his dying girl friend's 911 call on tape and he still beat the death penalty! The guy who actually did the shooting said Rae Carruth told him to do it and he still beat the death penalty. Rae Carruth was fucking there and he still beat the death penalty. I think it's obvious, if you can't get Johnnie Cochran, this is the lawyer to call.

ONLY IN L.A.

If you read the Sunday Styles section of the New York Times this past weekend, then you saw the nauseating tea drink that I had during Blind Date 2001. It's currently a fad in L.A.,. Proof that it is truly an 11th circle of hell.

DIE! DIE! DIE!

A New York Teacher was arrested after cops found a videotape of him having sex with two 13-year-old students in the science lab. He's not just a pervert, he's a stupid pervert. This is why we have a death penalty, people. There is no reason for the man to live.

SURVIVING TELEVISION

I didn't watch the first Survivor and I'm not going to watch the new one, but I did see the picture of the new cast. Gee, they look a little bit better this time around, no? Looks like a fucking Bennetton ad (and whoever that girl is with the chiseled abs?damn).CBS has learned in one year what it took MTV ten years to learn: attractive people are much more watchable.

1/22/2001

"I'd like to have money. And I'd like to be a good writer. These two can come together and I hope they will, but if that's too adorable, I'd rather have money." --- Dorothy Parker.

WELL PAST THE LEGAL AGE

Still at number one still to everyone's surprise but mine, is Save The Last Dance. Supposedly there's a subplot here about Julia Stiles' estrangement from her dad, but given that he's supposedly a professional jazz musician, a much better idea would have been the fact that his life somewhat parallels her own in that he, too was a White person in a field dominated by Blacks. But I guess they thought that was too much for the kids, so we get standard TV movie-of-the-week estrangement of a parent reunited with a child because the other parent died. We also get the standard reunion over almost nothing. They even use the standard line of "Look, I know I haven't been the best father/mother in the world, but I'd like a chance to try." Sob. Somebody get me a hankie. Sigh. It's as about as believable as the incredibly well-lit and spacious club that the kids go to on a regular basis is. I'd rag about how kids are seemingly the only patrons of this place, but given that the only person who looks like a teenager is Julia Stiles (who is actually 19), it makes sense. The actress who plays the male lead's sister couldn't look a day under 25 if they slapped pigtails and a diaper on her. It's ridiculous. All the freaking young talent out there and she's the best they could do? I mean, it's not like these people got roles because of their dancing ability.

VENOM BREAK

Cast Away holds at number two and this is how formerly reviled musical acts (Carpenters, Bee Gees, Burt Bacharach) eventually achieve legendary status: they simply hang in there until people like me run out of ways to insult them and give up in disgust, so all that's left are the tasteless fuckers that adore them. This is why Tom Hanks and his fellow masters of mediocrity will outlive me and everyone else who hates them. By the way, the Bee Gees were always great, so fuck you.

MAYBE IF THE USHERS WERE NAKED MODELS HANDING OUT COMIC BOOKS?.

Traffic holds at number three, followed by Snatch, which opened at number four. I considered seeing both of them Sunday, but instead chose to stay in bed before going to breakfast with my doctor friend that afternoon. Sorry, but I can't shake the motivation draining idea that these are ancient ideas (futility of the drug war, wacky criminals) warmed over for the umpteenth time by talented directors. The most interesting thing about Snatch---aside from the earliest trailer, which was a slide show---is the fact that my roommate hates the word in its sexual context. Personally, I've always found it one most humorous of the euphemisms for the female genitalia, right up there with poon-tang, which is the absolute funniest. But for her, it's right there under cunt, which is the female equivalent of nigger (don't use it to describe someone you don't know well unless you're ready to fight). When I asked her why, she said it's because it implied an action. "Well, it is a verb," I replied.

SPEAKING OF PEOPLE WHO CAN'T DANCE?

What Women Want is down to number five and Mel Gibson's much hyped dance number in this couldn't be more artificial and forced. They say he worked hard on it and it looks it. It's so practiced that all the joy and life is drained out of it. I swear I could practically hear him grunting with every step, so unnatural a dancer is he. And once again, what's this Sinatra shit? Mel Gibson is a fucking baby boomer. Not even that, really. He grew up in Australia in 70's, but I guess it's hard to dance to dance to AC/DC.

COME ON, SELL OUT! ALL THE COOL KIDS ARE DOING IT!

Well, it seems to be time for all the indie darlings to start selling out. Soderbergh with Julia Roberts and now Gus Van Sant with Finding Forrester. He knows it too, declaring that Finding Forrester is "a film that shouldn't be reviewed." Translation: I'm a big old whore. But the odd thing is, I find this film, even with it's crappy climax (imagine Al Pacino's scene from Scent of A Woman twice as bad, but not as loud) less annoying than Good Will Hunting, which was accurately described by a friend of mine as "the best ABC Afterschool Special ever made." Come to think of it, this is an ABC Afterschool Special too. "Jamal is a special kid, which sometimes makes him feel all alone. William is a special man who is all alone. Together, they'll rediscover friendship." Ewwwww.

PLEASE, NO DIRTY JACKIE

Do you think the incredible critical and financial success of Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon (now up to number seven) will lead to a more serious Jackie Chan? They've been making serious epic-type martial arts movies in China forever, but it never changed him, but Jackie Chan would sell his soul for mainstream American success, so this could do it.

THERE'S SOMEONE YOU CAN CALL

Thirteen Days is down to number eight and the actor who plays Bobby Kennedy in this looks so much like him, you wonder if his mom was yet another Kennedy conquest. In fact, this is the second time he's played Bobby Kennedy, which is a dangerous thing. He'll be like that guy who played John Lennon in Backbeat. He was practically a freaking clone himself and he also played Lennon more than once. Where is he now? Exactly.

PRETTY BOYS

Miss Congeniality is down to number nine and you women didn't like me talking about Benjamin Bratt. Man, and I thought only men were supposed to be suckers for a pretty face. Thing is, I find his little corn kernel shaped head and flat face kinda weird. Like Lou Diamond Phillips

IT AIN'T ART UNLESS IT SHOWS LIFE SUCKS

The Pledge opens at number ten and I thought about seeing this until I saw the trailer, which pretty much tells you everything. Then I read a few reviews, which hint that it has a non-conventional ending. Hmmm, given its existentialist European origins, I'd hazard a guess and say that it's probably as depressing as hell. Either Nicholson dies or the bad guy gets away or both. This is the downside of people who'll never sell out. The oh-so-serious "I'm An Artist" type fall prey to this fallacy that it's not art unless it depresses the living hell out of you, especially in Europe. Granted, it's an obvious byproduct of being the setting for two world wars, but that's what you get for being pussies in front of the Germans!

THE MOVIE WHERE KATIE HOLMES SHOWS HER BREASTS

Not yet in the top ten, is The Gift, a.k.a., The Movie Where Katie Holmes Shows Her Breasts. Unfortunately, this is the official subtitle of the movie and even more unfortunate is that's the most interesting thing about this movie. Let me put it this way: have you ever seen a movie where a rich girl is killed and the investigation into her death reveals that she was a big ho-bag and the most likely suspect is the bad boy she was seeing on the side, but the real killer is the most unlikely suspect (the most recent of this is Twin Peaks)? Well, then you've seen The Gift. The only reason to see this---other than Katie Holmes' perfectly round, almost gravity defying teenage breasts----is the performance of Cate Blanchett. How embarrassing that the only one to get the Southern accent right is the Australian. Keanu Reeves' is embarrassingly bad. Katie Holmes' attempt is sad and Giovanni Ribisi's accent is over-the-top.

HAIR WITH ME

My struggle with my hair continues, with my shaven dark angel pleading for a cut, whilst my afro-topped bright angel tries to hold me steady with a never ending stream of disco music in my head.

PERIODICALS

Wait. I thought Gear magazine was fucking canceled. Why are they still around writing articles about searching for the perfect women, when every single photo ever published in the magazine indicates that their definition of this is any really, really skinny woman with really, really large breasts?...Esquire, which was once a respected magazine of literature, is now no better than all the teen porn mags (Gear, Maxim, Stuff?). Their most recent issue (which I got free from work, 'cause I'd never pay for this shit) uses the flimsiest excuse to show the latest Italian flavor of the month in photos that reveal she prefers the Brazilian wax. Given that she's Italian, that's one hell of a job. It also has a nauseating article about a man who's cheated on his wife for their entire quarter century of marriage for a total of 46 times. He attempts for sympathy throughout, trying to place blame on his first teenage betrayal and the fact that his first wife was late to a wedding rehearsal because she was fucking someone else. Okay, I'll give him that last one, but it doesn't make him any less of a scumbag. To his credit, his wife doesn't seem like a prize. In fact, she seems to have been aware of this for years, but still she hangs around. Listen, it's wrong for someone to steal from you, but when you do nothing to stop them, you have to accept some of the blame. He's still a dirtbag, though and if she was my sister, he'd have 46 muthafuckin' massive beatings over 25 years. I'm talking that Sonny Corleone type shit. In the middle of the street with a trashcan lid with my spats on?.In the latest issue of Movieline Jennifer Love Hewitt essentially confirms what I suggested last week that she's going to have to become more sexual to survive now that her career has taken a downturn. I promise you she's going to be naked in the next two years. Neve Campbell too. In fact, now that Katie Holmes has done it, all the little teeny-bopper stars are going to be dropping their tops?Lara Flynn Boyle's interview in Vanity Fair. Sigh. Will someone please tell her there is no future in being a megastar's dick warmer? There's always someone younger and prettier than you are. Always. You're going to meet her soon enough.

LIBERALS GO INTO HIDING. NEWS AT 11.

So George W is president. Get over it. It's like they always say, it's takes a year to learn the job and you spend the last year campaigning for re-election, so that gives him only two years to do any real damage.

LIBERALS GO INTO HIDING FROM SHAME ALONE. NEWS AT 11.

So, Jesse Jackson is a dirtbag. Gee that's a surprise?TO NO ONE! Hell, my respect for Jesse Jackson stopped when he declared legal residence in Washington D.C. Everyone thought he was going to run for mayor. Instead, the self-aggrandizing asshole went for the shadow senator seat, which means he gets to speak on the senate floor?and that's it. Ooh, good one, Jesse. So, who became mayor in his absence? Marion Berry. I hold him entirely responsible for that shit and D.C.'s decline during the 80's. Do you think even Regan could have cut federal aid to the nation's capital with Jessie's big mouth calling constant attention to it? Hell no! And don't get me started on that kid in Mississippi who killed himself, only to have Jesse help whip of his family's denial into a lynching fantasy. Granted, it is Mississippi, but after three coroners (one from the state, one picked by the family and the last one who did Martin Luther King JR., and Medgar Evers) the conclusion was the same: suicide. He needs to permanently retire from public life and spare us yet another sad example of baby-boomer bullshit.

GEEK ROYALE?WITH CHEESE

How much of a geek am I? I finally saw the milk commercial featuring the Avengers (hey, Spiderman is in fact a reserve member and The Hulk was a founding member) and it made me so happy I can't stop watching it. Captain America, Thor, Scarlet Witch, Hawkeye?I'm getting giddy just thinking about it.

LOTS AND LOTS OF CLEAVAGE

The Golden Globes are beneath my notice. The only redeeming factor I can find about it is that it has the greatest amount of cleavage of any awards ceremony and that's saying a lot. Other than that, it's a joke. It was formed to give the foreign press greater access to stars and that's still the reason it exists. Give stars awards and they will talk to you. Still, I did see how fucking fat Russell Crowe is now. Seems he wasn't acting in The Insider as much as we thought. Well, now that he's banging Peta Wilson of TV's La Femme Nikita, that weight's going to come off. I mean, she's Austrailan too, so she'll be drinking half his beer. Now he'll be the one coming home to a naked drunk with a beer in one hand pointing at their crotch yelling, "Ass, now!"

NO SEX IN THE CITY, PT. 38: UPTOWN, BABY. UPTOWN.

So, I thought I was done with Blind Date 2001 until I got a email that makes me think she could have a future writing letters soliciting money for charity. What can I say? It turned my head. This is how I wound up taking her to my former college roommate's housewarming party in The Bronx. First, a word about Former Roommate. A long-haired actor from San Francisco when we first met during my senior year (his freshman year), he soon impressed the shit out of me by somehow meeting every single freshman girl at NYU. The one phrase I kept hearing over and over that year was, "So, you're Alex's roommate," from every pretty young thing I met. Hey, I met a lot of them because I worked at the gym. I wasn't chasing freshmen. Also, as I've mentioned before, he was the guy with the goatee on MTV's Sex in the 90's episode with the sleazy brothers from New Jersey. In any case, I took Blind Date 2001 to this housewarming party and now past her attempts to provoke me and bad tea drinks, we had a nice time. Still, my life wouldn't be complete if she didn't suddenly vanish at one point, whereupon I noticed that a girl she referred to as cute was missing as well. My fear was confirmed after she returned telling me she'd attempted "having a cigarette" with cute girl (i.e., "hitting on cute girl"), but was dismayed when cute girl wouldn't stop talking about her make up bag. It seems she was an actress. I had no sympathy for her. My roommate is an actress and she won't date actors. It's a just punishment for being shady. Also, Blind Date 2000 was there, which I thought was?interesting. And before we left, I got to see the old Roommate charm in full affect, as he attended to the 5-year-old daughter of one of his guests. I guarantee you, for a few moments she thought she was the center of the universe. Just as there's always a little boy in every man, there's a little girl in every woman, and he's got access the rest of us will never understand. Why didn't I learn it from him? Snort. I'd have to give a shit first. Besides, I'm the center of the fucking universe and can't pretend that anyone else is (and I give a good massage which makes up for a lot). After we left the party, Blind Date 2001 bemoaned that she wouldn't be able to see last week's top ten until Monday, as she was dying to see what I wrote about her. This is how we ended up in my office at midnight Saturday printing it up. As we walked in, she mentioned being there before to visit someone. As it turned out, we have a mutual acquaintance and I've heard about Blind Date 2001 in passing for years! I knew she was crazy long before I met her and discovered she was crazy! Could this city be any fucking smaller?

1/16/2001

"Christ died for your sins. Dare we make his martyrdom meaningless by not committing them?" --- Jules Feiffer

DANGER DANGER WHEN YOU TASTE BROWN SUGAR?

Save The Last Dance opens at number one this week and to whom was this a surprise? My only surprise is that it didn't make more money. Like Bring It On, the marketers (I'm giving the writer the benefit of a doubt and believe that he was sincere in creating it) realized that appealing to both Black and White teenagers is very important. More important still is the idea of White teenagers emulating Black teenagers, because that's what's been going on since the days of Scott Joplin. This movie appeals to Black kids because they obviously have the upper hand in the context of the movie, with the little white girl trying to fit in. It appeals to White kids because it's their ultimate fantasy of being accepted by those really cool Negroes. Not to mention learning how to dance (remember: the beat is on the 2 and the 4). That said, the movie sucks. If you're an average 15-year-old, you'll think it's great, but if you were 15 the way I was 15, you should still be able to see through the shallow characterizations, obvious set-ups, transparent use of dancing doubles and ridiculous ending (let me put it this way: in her big audition for Julliard, at least she doesn't breakdance the way Jennifer Beals did in Flashdance, but not by much). First off, there's always the one White girl or White boy who can and does hang with the bruthas. There's always at least one, so it's not really a big deal. In fact, the movie actually has such a White girl already there. Secondly, you know it's crap when not one Black person mentions Julia Stiles' BIG ASS. Granted, it's not really that big, but it's big for a White girl (including her thighs, she's what the bruthas refer to as "thick.") This would have been the sole topic of conversation the moment she stepped into school, but goes unnoticed here. Also, dancers can dance, period. A trained dancer can dance to anything and aren't going to be thrown into confusion by a mere beat change. And in 21st century America, what teen white kid doesn't know how to dance to hip-hop? Julia Stiles' natural ability to shake her ample ass on beat was already displayed in 10 Things I Hate About You (the fact that she actually lived this story while attending high school in NYC didn't hurt). But there's just too much to rag on now. We'll take a new chunk out every week in the weeks to come.

SAME JOKE, DIFFERENT MOVIE

Castaway is down to number two and which do you think would be funnier: walking into The Perfect Storm singing the theme from Gilligan's Island, or walking into this movie and singing it? "Just sit right back and I'll tell a tale/A tale of a fateful trip?" Seeing as how Tom Hanks---who's just a FedEx employee---can figure out a way off the island in just four years, it makes the Professor seems even dumber than before, because he never found a way in decades. But man, could he ever do wonders with a coconut. I think on video you can get the infamous "coconut bong" episode, that was never aired. Come to think of it, that was the first thing he built when he hit the island and discovered the fields of cannabis. After that, the others noticed he was never quite as sharp.

I JUST KEEP SAYING "NO."

Traffic is up to number three this week and I still cannot find the motivation to see this. I had it all planned, then went DVD shopping with a friend of mine. Maybe I'm not as comfortable with Steven Soderbergh's selling out so blatantly as I said I was. If I read another interview with him and Julia Roberts gushing over each other, I think I'm going to be sick. Yes, she's the reason you can now but your daughter through college, but let's not kid ourselves. She is not now, nor will she ever be an actress. Why isn't being the biggest star in the world enough for these people?

OTHER WOMEN IT SEEMS

What Women Want is down to number four and I can't help but think of George Michael. He said after his bust that anyone who's ever met him knew that he was gay. I got news for you, George; anyone with a brain who's ever fucking seen you knew it too. Only stupid little girls were deliberately blinding themselves to it. Same for Helen Hunt. Jeez, if you didn't know before, I'd think her "marriage" to Hank Azaria would have been the final piece of the puzzle. Judging by recent news of her being seen with women, I'd guess she made the same call to her accountant that George Clooney made to his: "Do I ever have to work again if I don't want to? No? Well then all bets are off." And good for her. Life is too fucking long to keep pretending all the time, so let me set the record straight: I will never sell my comic books! Ever! That collector's line was just to keep my parents off my back. I'm a keeper, baby! They're mine forever!

AMOS & ANDY: THE MOVIE

I hate Eddie Griffin. I hate him in a house, I hate him with a mouse. I hate him with green eggs and ham; I hate this man, Sam-I-Am. I can only hope that this decent opening at number five is just a fluke and it bombs like most of his sorry-ass jokes. The only thing worse than a guy who's not funny, is an ugly guy who's not funny and thinks he is.

DANGER, DANGER WHEN YOU TASTE BROWN SUGAR PT. 2

Finding Forrester finally makes it into the top ten at six this week and gives us two movies determined to upset the sistahs in the world. There's a barely touched upon romantic subplot about the Black kid from the Bronx and a rich White girl at his new school. Both movies have exceptional Black men crossing the color line, but only Save the Last Dance shows just how pissed Black women get about this. You know why this happens? Do you really want to know? Well, aside from those that are color struck (which are usually athletes---can you say O.J.?) to be exceptional means to be different and different is usually seen as being weird and as a woman of color once told me, "You can lie to me, cheat on me, steal from me, even beat me, but don't you ever be weird." The kid in this reads voraciously and keeps hidden journals of his writing. He's weird. In the Boogie Down, he had no choice.

THE END OF SOMEONE'S WORLD

Thirteen Days enters the top ten at number seven, but even with great critical reviews, nothing short of some awards will make this profitable and so the head of New Line for the last few years (Michael DeLuca) may be seeing the end of the road. Good. Whatever little indie cred or low budget appeal New Line may have still possessed after the founder sold it to Warner Brothers has been thoroughly erased in DeLuca's sad attempt to compete with the big league crap being released by the other studios. And if the $200M+ Lord of the Rings trilogy doesn't hit right out of the box, the laughter will follow him to his grave.

MISS-CEGENATION

Down to number eight this week is Miss Congeniality and continuing with our theme of interracial dating, why is it no one is mentioning that Benjamin Bratt is Latin? Is that another Keanu Reeves/Dean Cain kinda of a deal (they're both Asian)? The biggest female star in the world is dating a darky and no one is saying a word. And Sandra Bullock, her closest competitors, has him playing her love interest in this movie . Don't give me any of that "daddy is white" crap. No one ever got into a country club because dad was white, but they sure as hell were turned away because mom wasn't. And if you need more proof, he's playing a South American drug lord in Traffic. Only minorities spend their careers playing drug dealers and cops (Demolition Man, Law & Order, Bound By Honor and this, all cops).

AHEAD OF HER TIME

Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon is up to number nine and it's sad that Cynthia Rothrock, was too ahead of the curve on the movement of buttkicking women to take advantage of it. She was an American martial arts champion who went to Hong Kong to make movies (actually starring with Michelle Yeoh at one point) because they weren't making them here at the time, though if you've watched enough TNT, you've seen at least a few of her films (when they're not running fucking Top Gun for the two millionth time). It must have burned her to only being a guest star on Hercules (as a Terminator-like creature that he had to fight) while Lucy Lawless and whatshername kicked their way to fame and fortune on Xena on ground that she broke. Last I heard of her she was still making B-movies and had gotten implants. Sigh.

THE END

Finally, The Emperor's New Groove closes out the top ten at number ten, but it hung in the top ten longer than The Family Man (another New Line bomb), which warms my heart.

ANTI-GOOD

Not even breaking the top ten was Antitrust, a documentary about Bill Gates trying to take over the world. Hey, like he's not really evil! Ryan Philippe continues his string of movies with girls less attractive than himself, but at least his previous costars looked like girls. Rachel Leigh Cook continues to look like a small boy with breasts. Make-up artists have to literally build a face for her to make her look feminine. Come back, Winona. All is forgiven.

LIKE ANYTHING MATTERS BUT A GRAMMY

Speaking of ample assed white girls shaking it, I'd love to see the instructions Brittney Spears gave the band at the American Music Awards. "Okay, I'm going to have all the dancers in their tighty-whitey underwear leave the stage, then I'm going to give a massive booty shake and then the song is over, okay?" I still feel like a dirty old man looking at her, but the more she displays it, the less dirty I feel because it's not so much that I'm looking, as much as she's just putting it everywhere you turn. She really is the new Madonna. Not the prettiest girl in the world, not the best dancer and certainly not the best singer, but still she manages to do it in such a way that it leaves all others in the dust. Taylor Dayne had a better voice than Madonna and Cyndi Lauper had better written songs, but where are they now? As I told my guide to world of young people (she's 24 and makes me listen to all this crap), Mandy Moore and Jessica Simpson might as well start counting the minutes, cause it's just about over. And as long as we're talking about the awards, could Pink suck more? Fresh fish in the summer sun has a longer expectancy than her career?.Jessica Simpson can actually sing, but she sings crap and she sang it badly that night?..Justin Timberlake giving his girlfriend a standing ovation with a smile that lets you know that, even if she's sincere about being a virgin, he's visiting at least one of Brittney's three available orifices on a regular basis, if not two. Yes, I know that's really nasty, but you know it's true?Steven Tyler's daughter is older than 90% of the people on that stage, so what the hell were those old bastards in Aerosmith even doing there??The Backstreet Boys were the first to arrive and now they seem to be the first teen group to die. Dressing like vampires on heroin doesn't help?Finally, my mother has cursed me with her love of country music, because I'm actually going to buy She Daisy. They weren't half bad.

I'M SHOCKED, SHOCKED TO FIND GAMBLING HERE, PT. 16

Jewel it seems wrote prepared information on her hand for Politically Incorrect. Wait. Are you telling me that blondes with big tits are stupid!?!

MAYBE I SHOULD HAVE GONE TO MED SCHOOL

Between Woody Allen's kid, Madonna's kids, Rosie O'Donnell adopting a kid and Calista Flockhart now adopting a baby (she had to: when you're too thin to menstruate properly, it's kinda hard to procreate), there's going to be fortune in child therapy in the next few decade or so.

NAKED JUSTICE

I know it's bad that a cop made women walk home naked after catching them driving drunk, but there's one thing I feel has been lost in the uproar?THEY WERE DRIVING DRUNK! HELLO!?! THEY GOT OFF LIGHT! Hell, why do you think it took them so long to complain!?! Why do you think no men have come clean? As my roommate pointed out, he probably did it to more men, but no man is going to admit to driving drunk and walking home naked. Hell, we know that's the easy way out. Ask the new president-elect which one he'd rather have in his past. Guarantee you that walking home naked thing looks pretty good to him right now. Let's face it: no virgins were harmed in this.

I AM FURIOUS BLACK

I did not watch Temptation Island. I will not watch Temptation Island. I will not watch it in a house?yadda-yadda-yadda. I didn't watch Survivor either, but it so permeated society, that I couldn't avoid it. On this note let say that the moment it was announced that one of the couples had a child out of wedlock, I made my atheist prayer that it not be the black couple. Why? Because I, like every other person of color, knew immediately that it was, in fact, the Black couple. Heavy, heavy sigh. Let's all give them a round of applause for keeping the stereotypes alive, shall we? Wait. Didn't the Black guy on survivor also have a bunch of kids out if wedlock? And you can't even blame racist white writers for this one, because it's a reality show. Next time the brutha will probably be dealing on the island.

CAN YOU FEEL THE LOSS?

Apparently Mira Sorvino has moved to Paris. Not since Molly Ringwald left us for the Gallic scenery has the entertainment industry suffered such a loss. Honestly, did anyone even notice?

HAIR TODAY, GONE?WHO KNOWS?

Mom wants to see if my hair still curls when it gets longer, so I'm letting it grow for the first time in years?and it's killing me. Every day I fight a desperate battle against the little clean-headed devil on my shoulder that tells me "Shave it! Shave it!" Then, there's the little angel with a fro pleading, "Baby, please don't! It'll be groovy!" It helps that I bought Shaft's Big Score and Shaft In Africa during my DVD shopping. Richard Roundtree gives me inspiration to let it grow. Not to mention buying a leather trenchcoat.

THIS IS WHY I ONLY GO ONCE A YEAR

You really want to know why I am the way I am? Okay, here's another tale from Christmas with my family. We'd gathered at my aunt's home in Alabama they way we normally do, with half the family upstairs and half downstairs. Our little group in the kitchen was discussing my cousin's latest girlfriend. He joked that she had given him an enormous salami because of?well, his own enormous salami. Well, this set off a discussion of penis size amongst the males in the family, most specifically, how we looked at birth. My mother, who was feeling no pain thanks the drink in her hand, relayed a story of my grandfather's pride at my own newborn endowment. Fine. We all laughed at that. What wasn't funny was her next statement: "Now, when Vince was a teenager and you know that stage when boys are always----" I didn't hear anything after that, BECAUSE I LEFT THE FUCKING ROOM! NO MAN SHOULD HEAR HIS MOTHER TALKING ABOUT HIS PACKAGE! Now, all you little whiney types who lament the lack of closeness in your family, remember this little story. You'll be praying for a little Updike/Cheever alienation. On a lighter note, my cousin---who was like my older sister for most of my life and knows nothing of these rants---relayed the horrors of going to the movies with me as a child. Apparently, I would insist on sitting in the front row and then began loudly ripping the movie to pieces. So you see, young Jedi, this is my destiny.

NO SEX & THE CITY, PT. 37

Pop quiz: which one of these three questions was not asked by my blind date (a.k.a., Blind Date 2001, because I seem to be talked into at least one a year by my worried friends) last week: 1) If you were tied up and I put a light to your foot, would you yell at me? 2) If you were having sex with a girl and it wasn't doing anything for her, would you stop? 3) What color is your shower curtain? That's right, it's a trick question because they were all asked. What can I say, she was crazy, but I knew that going in. So why did I go? Well, because she used to be Al Goldstein's personal assistant and this was a story I had to hear. It seems that her friend found an ad Al put for a personal assistant in a gay magazine. Why? Well, other than my crazy date, what woman would work for him? Well, the gay guy couldn't handle it either, so she took it on a temporary basis out of sheer curiosity. Al's reasoning for not hiring a woman were well-founded because he instantly began telling her how much he wanted to eat her pussy. She's Queens born and bred, so it was water off a duck's back to her and she did her job. Finally, after much insisting she agreed to have dinner with him, but simply as an employee, not a date. Because he's such a fat pig, Al is diabetic and can't drink, so during dinner, Crazy Blind Date accidentally drank the whole bottle by herself. This is how she ended up back at his studio apartment. Apparently, Al owns four houses, but only keeps a little dump here in the city. So, back at Al's studio, Al's expecting to get some from the drunk girl, so he undresses and now she's looking at a naked 60-year-old fat man. Because she's crazy, she actually touched his dick (she had a martini glass in her hand as she told me this and compared Al to the stem of it) and because she was drunk and crazy she started laughing at him and then made herself another drink and began to sketch him (because she's an artist, you understand). Anyway, after half-an-hour of being sketched, Al realizes that he's got a drunk crazy woman in his apartment who won't fuck him, so he gives her cab fare and sends her home. The next day, he makes it clear he's looking for a reason to fire her, a situation she doesn't help by telling this story to EVERY SINGLE STAFF MEMBER! What the hell, she was only there temporarily anyway. As it worked out, he finally had his lawyer----formerly his lover of six years---fire her the day she found another job. She said she considered as sexual harassment suit, but decided against it. Just as well. I think that drunken dick-touch would have pretty much killed her case. I probably should have left after I got the story, but I went through with dinner and was then subjected to her constant attempts to provoke a response from me and some weird tea in Chinatown with tapioca bubbles that you suck up through a straw. Chasing Amy---who's partially responsible for me being on this blind date to begin with---was waiting at a nearby poolhall for me in case I decided to bail. Just like a good drinking buddy should.

FOOD OR PACKING MATERIAL

Know what a circus peanut is? Take those packing peanuts, dye them orange and pump them full of sugar and you have a synthetic material accidentally sold to children as candy. And I love them. Even worse, I'm a connoisseur. Only when bartered from the devil (where else could this nauseating substance originate but hell---or Illinois) by a name brand company are they any good. Those knockoff types you see in drugstores in two for a dollar packs are shit. I only eat Brachs.

1/08/2001

"Next to genius, nothing is more clear sighted than hatred." --- Claude Bernard

AS IF I NEED ANOTHER REASON

Castaway remains in the top spot this week and not that I need a another reason not to see this, but aside from the simple fact that the trailer shows that Tom Hanks does make it back to civilization, there's nothing about his transition. He's rescued and then you get "four weeks later." Excuse me, but wouldn't that be the most interesting part? A man coming back to civilization after four years away? Think if you'd vanished at the beginning of Bill Clinton's second term and returned to find the stupid bastard had almost been impeached over a blowjob, his wife was now a senator from New York and George Bush's idiot son was now president. Not to mention the whole teen explosion, the arrival of DVD's, dot-coms and everyone and his fucking mother now having a portable phone. Kinda makes you miss that island, huh?

SOMEWHERE DAVID SCHWIMMER IS WEEPING

What Women Want holds at number two and Mel Gibson's male sidekick in this movie is Mark Feuerstein. Trust me, you know him. He's the new David Schwimmer (though better looking). In other words, he's the dweeby Jewish guy who will always lose the girl to a manlier Gentile. He was Sandra Bullock's doomed husband in Practical Magic; he vainly wanted Penelope Cruz in Woman on Top and now he's currently doing Billy Campbell's ex-wife on Once and Again. In every instance, he's no match for the ironically, darker-haired goyim.

DRUGS ARE BAD

Despite my love of Steve Soderbergh, I couldn't work up the motivation to see Traffic this weekend. It's not the 140 minute running time. Hell, that's still shorter than Dracula 2000. It's just that I really have no interest in the drug war. I know it's futile and Kafka-esque. It's like Requiem For A Dream, the much-praised Darren Aronofsky film earlier this year. It was a chronicle of the descent in drug hell of four people. Yeah, and!?! Why would I want to see that, no matter how brilliant it was done? Why can't someone do a brilliant depiction of someone rising out of a drug hell? Or a brilliantly shot romantic comedy? Sorry, but that's talent. Anyone can be depressing. Wait. Soderbergh did do just that with Out of Sight. Oops. I guess this means I really have to see Traffic now.

MISS CONVENTIONALITY

Miss Congeniality is down to number four, but this is still the biggest hit Sandra Bullock has had in a long time. It's going to be hard to talk her into unconventional material when crap like this succeeds. Then again, it's not like she's been stretching. 28 Days wasn't so much as rise out of drug hell as it was a rise out of drug heck and it was hardly brilliantly shot. In fact, can't you just see Julia Roberts in this same role without a note changed? The only difference is that it would be a $100M movie by now. And too my brother who couldn't get over the fact that Sandra Bullock is at least 15 years too old to be in anyone's beauty pageant, no, she was not on the Bionic Woman TV series. She played a bionic sidekick in Bionic Showdown: The Six Million Dollar Man & Bionic Woman Return, which was made in 1989.

NO, THEYRE NOT REAL

Family Man is down to number five and I'm sad to say that the National Enquirer (or whatever rag I was reading) was right. Tea Leoni had her boobs done. Looking at shots of her then and now on www.famousbabes.com (the best site for finding female celebrity glamour shots---ignore the sex site links), it's pretty obvious she had them done. Sigh. Once again, never ask why men run the world. Yes, hair transplants are equally stupid and just as obvious to spot, but when was the last time you heard of some guy's immune system being destroyed because his piece was leaking silicone into his head?

ONE STEP FORWARD, TWENTY-SEVEN BACK

John Goodman just can't cut a break. Not only does he do a bad TV series that gets canceled, but hes in one of poorest performing Disney films of the last few years. John, here's a hint for the future: READ THE SCRIPT FIRST! And if winning a People's Choice Award isn't proof that your show sucked, I don't know what is.

HEY, YOU DONT SEE MERYL STREEP AROUND, DO YOU? NOW STRIP!

Vertical Limit is holding at number seven with Dracula 2000 holding at number eight. Here's a little exploitation quiz for you. You're making a cheap horror film and you have Jennifer Esposito, Jeri Ryan and Vitamin C as your sexy vampire women. Which one do you have get nekked with Dracula in an on-the-ceiling hump scene. If you chose Vitamin C, you too could be responsible one day for making a piece of crap like this. Are they kidding!?! Two of nicest bodies in recent memory and you pick the skinny pop star!?! Granted, neither of them was probably willing, but that's when you fire Vitamin C and offer them her entire salary to do it. As they say, the fastest horse may not always win the race, but that's the way to bet. Likewise, always bet on simple avarice to get your way. Besides, it's not like we're talking about two women ever to be at the Dorothy Chandler Pavilion except on the arm of some decrepit old actor. Hell, five minutes after America sees Katie Holmes topless in The Gift, no one's going to care about these two broads anymore anyway. And if Jennifer Love Hewitt follows suit (and she will, 'cause god knows her 15 minutes are just about up), it's all over for every would-be sex symbol over 25. Hey, don't shoot the messenger.

EXTREMES

At either end of the continuum, are Dude, Where's My Car at number nine and Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon at number ten. Could two more opposite films exist? And is it really an accomplishment to have two Asians on the cover of Entertainment Weekly for a potential Oscar winning film when the film in question is a martial arts movie? I mean, is this a step forward or a step back? No, I'm not one of those people who are never satisfied, but I can't overlook the obvious. Maybe I'm wrong. Were Emma Thompson and Kate Winslet on the cover for Ang Lee? Oscar-winning Sense & Sensibility? Anyone from the cast of The Ice Storm on the cover for that film?

STILL AT THAT "GIRLS ARE ICKY" STAGE

In watching MTV's New Year's Eve show, am I the only one who noticed that when Rose McGowan tried to dance a little booty-shake on Rachel Leigh Cook, Ms. Cook obliged for about two seconds then quickly moved away? I wasn't surprised. After all, doesn't Ms. McGowan know that little boys don't like girls?

THERES A REASON THEYRE CALLED "BOOBS"

Speaking of MTV, I was forced by a house guest to watch the special on breast implants and am I the only one who noticed a lack of---how can I put this---class amongst the girls involved? I won't even get into how none of them seemed to have a father figure in their lives, only mothers who were still trying to dress like teenagers. Do you really need to be Freud to diagnose the dysfunctions going on here? Only the breast reduction girl had my sympathy.

IS THAT A COHIBA IN YOUR POCKET, OR ARE YOU JUST HAPPY TO SEE ME?

So, Chasing Amy calls me up and wants to smoke my Cohiba, but not in a good way. She genuinely wants to smoke my contraband Cuba cigar. So, we do minor bar-hopping until we end up at The Blind Tiger, smoking my Cohiba. After a few beers I realize I'm being used and mention this. Being from Brooklyn, Chasing Amy has no shame and sneers at my outrage. "Please. Who would you smoke it with but me? I know you. You wouldn't smoke it alone. I'm doing you a favor." Maybe it was the weird burgandy beer she had me drinking, but that made sense at the time. Later, I was entertained by the sight of the middle-aged loser next to us trying to run his game on her when he thought I wasn't paying attention. He even had the nerve to give her his card when I was in the bathroom. Needless to say, this was good for a laugh later over dinner. After that, I won my clothes back in our second match of strip poker. Ah, adventures in the Big City.

THE SIMPSONS IS THE GREATEST SHOW ON EARTH

On Sunday's The Simpsons, Homer became smart and realized how bad Julia Robert's movies are. Is it any wonder I love this show?

WHIPPED 2: ELECTRIC BUGALOO

Months after she dumped him and went frolicking with an Arab billionaire, Salma Hayek is once again with Ed Norton. I'd love to say I wouldn't take her back, but I'd be lying. There's no hating going on here, Ed. We understand, dawg!

WHAT WAS HE THINKING?

Speaking of Darren Aronofsky's Requiem For A Dream, I recently acquired a screening copy and fast-forwarded it to the end to see the scene with Jennifer Connelly that earned it its NC-17 rating. Every critic mentioned it, but no one went into detail about what made it so bad. If you plan on seeing this movie, skip to the last paragraph, because I'm about to give it all away. Still here? Okay, here we go. Now, you know it's about a descent into drug hell, right? So you know no one's getting out. The last ten minutes of this movie cross-cuts between the four main characters meeting their fates. Ellen Burstyn is a pill addict ending up in shock therapy, as her son, Jared Leto, has his heavily infected drug arm amputated, while Marlon Wayans vomits while working in prison, while Jennifer Connelly----brace yourself, it's pretty nasty---while Jennifer Connelly is performing in a private lesbian sex show for drugs for a group of Wall Street frat boy types. What makes it so revolting is that at one point, some old guy screams "Ass to ass," and one of the girls breaks out a large double-ended black dildo (why are they always black? I know it's a weird compliment, but still?), puts a condom on it, then lubricant and proceeds to impale both herself and Jennifer Connelly on either end. Ewwww. Granted, you're probably seen something similar in your average adult rental, but this is shot for maximum gross-out effect, cross cut with an amputation, vomiting and electro shock. Ain't no sexual thrills here. And as much as I oppose censorship, I can't imagine how he thought this was ever going to pass the ratings board with an "R." Hell, I sometimes think the scene was actually hardcore even though I know it wasn't (I can't bring myself to watch it twice).

MY TOP TEN

On a lighter note, the end of the year has come so I guess I should give my top ten list as well. In no particular order we have the following:

The Tao Of Steve: A romantic comedy that was actually smart and funny.

Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon: Not the epic film many have made it out to be, but a good movie, nonetheless.

Wonder Boys: Remember that smart and funny thing? Well, it's here too.

Almost Famous: An obvious labor of love that delivers except for those of you who need someone to suffer and die for it to be a real film.

Restaurant: A small film no one but me saw, but textured and authentic without being pretentious in a way few films are. Well, Almost Famous was, but that's it.

High Fidelity: One more time: smart & funny.

Um?um, well, I guess that's it. Hopefully, Traffic will enter this list, but that's still only seven. I can't bring myself to add what I simply enjoyed (Bring it On). What can I tell you? It was a shitty year.

1/2/2001

"Women can always be caught; that's the first rule of the game." --- Ovid

ID RATHER BE ON A DESERTED ISLAND

Castaway is again at number one this week and while looking for time to see this in my busy holiday viewing schedule, a thought occurred to me: Why? Actually, it was more "why the fuck would I see this?" but you get the idea. These are the two evil bastards that brought us Forrest Gump. Why in hell would I give them another two-and-a-half-hours of my life? Apparently, I'm alone as most of America loves this fucking thing.

SMOOTH SKIN IS RIGHT AFTER HAIR ON THAT LIST

What Women Want is number two and when are people going to stop pretending that Mel Gibson doesn't look like hell? Besides a thinning hairline, his skin looks like something out of the Abominable Dr. Phibes, but the entire movie is filled with women going ga-ga over him. How long are you going to reward this man for the beauty he literally smoked away!?! Now, he's actually become the kind of man that someone who looks like Helen Hunt can get. Oh, shut up! She knows what she looks like. It's part of why she's the bitch she is today. In interviews she says with no small amount of bitterness that she was told from day one shed never make it because of her looks. If someone said that to you, when you finally made it youd be one hard-ass bitch too. But here's a little perspective for you, Helen, baby: if you weren't thin and blonde they would've been right.

SO FUNNY I FORGOT TO LAUGH

Miss Congeniality is at number three this week and this is yet another one joke movie that's been unnecessarily stretched out to almost two hours. Now, I didn't see it and that fucking runtime is one big reason. Also, the trailer shows us the height of humor is considered to be her inability to walk in high heels. Now, I'm not saying that I could do it (much less every weekend at a club in the west village for the last three years under the name Coco Booty), but to think that she would never learn and that it would remain funny---hell, that it would ever even be funny, is the epitome of a bankrupt imagination. Much like the film that follows it at number four, The Family Man, Miss Congeniality is nothing but sad recycling. How much do you want to bet that she discovers the benefits of being a girly girl in the end? There are no surprises in The Family Man either. Emotionally barren rich guy gets a chance to lead the life he walked away from thirteen years earlier and discovers---gasp---that there's more to life than money. Well, there's a problem. A go-getter salesman is a go-getter salesman. It doesn't have to be on Wall Street for you to be rich. It's just easier that way. If Nicholas Cage's character were as good as they make him out to be, he would have turned his father-in-law's tire dealership into a multi-million dollar operation in thirteen years. Little things like that are lost on this It's A Wonderful Life retread. Not only do we have yet another magical Black man leading the way, but Nicolas Cage tries to change his son's diaper and---surprise!---he gets a stream of piss. And this fucking thing was two hours long too. The only good thing about it is Tea Leoni, who, despite the blonde hair, is the kinda woman you move to the suburbs for. Ill never get over the show, Flying Blind.

KID STUFF

The Emperor's New Groove is down to number five, followed by How The Grinch Stole Christmas, which has surpassed Mission Impossible 2 as the biggest grossing film of 2000. Do you need any more proof that this was a horrible year for movies?

THE HARDER THEY FALL

Did anyone actually think that a mountain-climbing movie with Chris O'Donnell was actually going to make anyone, any money, anywhere? Sigh. Why can't I be a studio executive making bad decisions for $500K a year, plus stock options? Oh, I'm not a soulless business school graduate who only thinks he knows movies, that's why.

GUILTY PLEASURE

I liked Dracula 2000. There, I said it. Come at me, dawg. What can I say? At two-and-a-half hours (which I think is two Christopher Lee Dracula movies combined) and being released one week before its title is obsolete, this is probably the disaster almost every critic in the world has made it out to be, but remember one thing: they all liked As Good As It Gets. Personally, I was never bored and I found the revamped version of Dracula's origin quite inventive. It explains why he never seems to die, why he has an aversion to Christian imagery specifically and why silver hurts him. In addition, they use modern special effects and some Hong Kong style action during the fight sequences (FYI, ghosts and vampires are staples in Hong Kong action flicks). I was thoroughly entertained. The fact that Jeri Ryan and Jennifer Esposito are on hand as vampires in Wonderbras didn't hurt either (hell, any bra they wear is a Wonderbra). In fact, it's TV star packed, in addition to the two previously mentioned, we have Hyde from That 70's Show, ER alum, Omar Epps and the teen son from Once & Again. Translation: our budget won't allow for any real stars.

WHATEVER, DUDE

Dude, Where's My Car is down to number nine. Does this mean this doofus, pretty boy, ex-model now has a career?

FINALLY

Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon is in the top ten and how glad are American critics that Traffic came out so they didn't have to give this Best Picture title? I knew it was coming. One day they were all going to wake up and realize that theyd given highest praise to something that wasn't a "real movie." Meaning it was fun, but wasn't about "real things" like drunk or crazy men or dying women or prostitutes or the holocaust. Remember: art must be serious. I love Steve Soderbergh (I'm one of the few people to like Kafka) and I will see Traffic, but given that its part of his sellout stage, I've no doubt this is simply a case of wanting to like a movie more than it deserves. Kinda like The Last Emperor. In retrospect was it that good? No. It just seemed like it should be.

HOW ABOUT FINDING A SENSIBLE HAIRPIECE

Not in the top ten is Finding Forrester, which has more than its premise in common with Gus Van Sant's last big film, Good Will Hunting. It too is another ABC afterschool special that managed to find movie stars and a theatrical release. Sean Connery is essentially J.D. Salinger/Ralph Ellison (a writer in seclusion after one epic work of literature) who is stumbled upon by a teen genius who then becomes his protege. It's fairly predictable, but until a horribly written ending, it's also fairly entertaining. It joins Wonder Boys in being a movie that makes me realize just how many important books I haven't read and probably never will. But hey, I'm still smarter than you.

OH, MY. ARENT WE WITTY?

Not in the top ten and it never will be, is David Mamet's latest, State & Main, the story of a movie crew's invasion of a small town in Vermont. Filled with witty lines and nice performances, it still manages to be a disappointment. Not only is it too long, filled with unnecessary attempts to be heartfelt in a non-heartfelt Preston Sturges manner, but it stinks of Mamet's too-cool-for-school style. Meaning the trademarked rhythms of his dialogue and attempts to be too witty get annoying after awhile. Still Alec Baldwin's portrayal of a movie star who unabashedly likes adolescent girls reminded me why I like him and Julia Stiles as his all-too-willing conquest reminds me why shell still be here in ten years when all the other little girls are forgotten.

THIRTEEN HOURS IS MORE LIKE IT

Not in the top ten and only marginally released to win Oscars (big release occurs in February), is 13 Days, an account of the Cuban Missile Crisis from the eyes of JFK's special assistant. Now, I have a soft spot for a well-done political insider movie, so despite another two and a half-hour running time, I was looking forward to seeing this. Surprisingly, despite Kevin Costner and his Bah-stun accent, and having been made more than once (Missiles of October, part of any Kennedy bio movie) it delivers. Bruce Davidson just might be a star now thanks to his portrayal of Kennedy and Kevin Costner might now realize that leading man heartthrob roles are now behind him, much like his days of having a full head of hair and a non-sagging chin. My only problem is a few scenes of obviously embellished emotional content. Maybe the man Costner portrays actually did have a heart-to-heart talk with a pilot before a flyover over Cuba, but I doubt it. The movie is at its best when sticking to the details of the tense moments.

YOU CAN NEVER HAVE ENOUGH REDNECK HUMOR

O, Brother Where Art Thou is the latest from the Cohen Brothers and third in what they call their Hayseed Trilogy (Raising Arizona was the first and I have no idea what constitutes number two). The only common thing you can find in any Cohen Brothers movie is a screaming fat man---usually John Goodman---and this is no exception (that exception is Fargo). George Clooney is the lead and while I appreciate his attempts not to make Hollywood crap, he is sorely miscast as the hayseed leader of a trio of escaped convicts. What makes it sad is that he's from Kentucky and has no excuse not to get the accent right. Oddly, the person who would have been perfect for this role has now committed himself to making Hollywood crap: Nicholas Cage. The role Clooney plays is actually a new rendition of the character Cage played in Raising Arizona. Like State & Main, this is filled with clever lines and nice performances (not to mention a magical Black man), but ultimately it doesn't gel (the title actually comes from a Preston Sturges movie, Sullivan's Travels).

THIS COULD BE PART OF THE PROBLEM

Will someone please tell Alyssa Milano the reason she never had the career Winona Ryder had (and I emphasize the "had") is because Winona Ryder didn't make a habit of taking her clothes off in pseudo-porn mags aimed at 14-year old boys (FHM, Maxim, Stuff, Gear)? It's hard to get respect when you're spead-eagle or have your ass hanging out in bad, gaudy photography. And no, that was not me you saw buying the issue of Maxim with the redhead from That 70's Show on the cover. And if it were, I was home in GA, so it would only make sense that I would like the same shit I liked when I was 14, so there! But I didn't do it.

NOW THIS COULD BE A MOVIE