9/30/2002
“IN BIRMINGHAM THEY LOVE THE GUV-NUH…”
Opening at number one is Sweet Home Alabama, a generic romantic comedy that leaves no movie cliché unturned, especially those about those rubes in the South. Do you know how annoyed I have to be to defend the area of my birth!?! In this case the actual state (yes, I was born in Alabama---you got a problem with that?). It seems Hollywood will never tire of the “gee, look at those weird-ass people” attitude towards the South. Well, I got news for you, go an hour outside of any major city in America and you’ll find the same. Ever been to freaking upstate New York? It ain’t Fifth Avenue and Tiffany’s, people. Try the boonies of Pennsylvania, Maine, Massachusetts or Washington state. Trailer parks, racists and cousin-fuckers everywhere. The only difference is, the South has an actual culture and character the rest of these losers lack. There’s a certain amount of romance and flavor about the South. The same, however, cannot be said of Rhode Island and definitely not fucking Massachusetts. The other side of this bad penny is the wonder and awe they heap upon a southerner who isn’t tasteless and stupid. That person the movie holds up like a diamond found in pile of shit. The saving grace of this film is Reese Witherspoon, who is not just a genuine Southern girl, but also an actual blue-blooded debutante. She winds up carrying this vehicle, which was supposed to be carrying her.
MAYBE THAT DOG FROM FRAISER
The Tuxedo opens at number two and can we as a nation and a people stop pretending that there’s more to Jennifer Love Hewitt than a pair generous breasts on a very little girl? She’s not at all pretty. She looks like a fucking elf and time is not going to be kind to her on that fact. She’s still around because men will forever like skinny, young women with big boobs (and a nice ass, I must admit). Passable looks are all you need with that. And what’s next for poor Jackie Chan? A team up with a talking dog? First Chris Tucker, then Owen Wilson and now this. He keeps talking about being too old to do the stunts any more and just being a director and teacher. Well, get to it already and stop tarnishing the great movies you’ve done with shit like this.
TITO JACKSON GETS MORE RESPECT AT THIS POINT
Barbershop is down to number two and in the middle of a week where stupidity seems to be growing at an exponential level (those morons who edit “R” rated movies so they can show them to their kids; J.J. Abrams writing a script for the new Superman movie, where not only does Krypton not explode, but Ma Kent almost gets raped by an evil landlord) a bright spot of backbone and intelligence has emerged when MGM refused to edit Barbershop to please Jesse Jackson, and Jackson himself is being dismissed by all around him. Maybe he’ll finally realize that his time is over. Like Michael Jackson, his career ended with the 80’s and everyone knows it but him.
THE HEAVIEST SIGH OF ALL
Down to number four, My Big Fat Greek Wedding will, by the end of this week, be the biggest indie film of all time. Sigh.
MOTHERS DON’T LET YOUR BABIES GROW UP TO BE ACTORS…
The Banger Sisters is down to number five and that gorgeous dark-haired girl who plays Susan Sarandon’s daughter is, in fact, her daughter. How long before she’s off with lecherous old fuck three times her age (which is only 48, ‘cause she’s only 16)? Susan Sarandon is the kind of loud, annoying liberal that gives the rest of us a bad name (her and fucking Tim Robbins), so it’s going to be fun watching her values tested when she finds out someone like Mick Jagger is banging her little girl. Then again, Goldie Hawn didn’t seem to mind when Kate Hudson was dating a 30-something Lenny Kravitz when she was only 18 and wound up marrying Chris of the Black Crowes, who’s also got a good 15 years on her.
DID I LEAVE OUT THAT HE TALKS FUNNY?
The Four Feathers is down to number six, followed by One Hour Photo at number seven and Ballistic: Ecks vs. Sever at number eight. Ray Park is in this and if that name is unfamiliar to you that’s because you know him better as Darth Maul (though the voice was someone else’s, in the Darth tradition), The Headless Horseman in Sleepy Hollow (with a head, he was Christopher Walken) and as Toad in The X-Men (all him this time). He’s an accomplished martial artist, but because it’s Lucy Liu’s name above the title, he has to lose their one-on-one fight at the end of the movie. He’s supposed to star in the Iron Fist movie (Iron Fist is a Marvel Comics character created during the martial arts high of the 70’s), but beyond the fighting I can’t see it. He’s not very attractive and stands barely above Lucy Liu, who is tiny. Not what I think of in a action hero. If it’s short, ugly guys who can throw sidekick that you need, I’m here.
DO YOU KNOW THE RERUNS ARE OVER?
Signs is down to number nine and I have to ask what this is still doing around this late in the game? Who’s still going to see this?
FROM ZERO TO NEGATIVE NUMBERS
Finally, Swimfan closes out the top ten at number ten and just when you thought there was nothing worse than Freddie Prinze Jr., along comes this guy, Jesse Bradford, who looks like FBJ’s younger, shorter, uglier brother.
LE NIPPON
Not breaking the top ten but deserving to more than half the films there is Wasabi, a French action comedy starring Jean Reno as a tough French cop (stop laughing, I’m sure there’s at least one) who discovers that his long-lost Japanese love has died leaving him the executor of her will---and a 19 year old daughter who’s being hunted by the Japanese mob. Produced by longtime Jean Reno pal Luc Besson (who directed La Femme Nikita, The Professional and produced Kiss of the Dragon) it’s a fun hour-and-a-half of Jean Reno kicking butt in Japan while trying to hide his true identity from his hyper-kinetic daughter. Just like an American film where everyone in foreign countries seems to speak English, in this film Japan is filled with people who speak French---which is a great joke in itself.
YOU’RE GETTING THIS FOR FREE AND THAT’S ENOUGH
I didn’t over look that Secretary opened last week, but my review is in the new issue of CMJ New Music Monthly, so go buy it you cheap fuckers.
LAST EXIT TO BROOKLYN
So my Brother was in town this weekend and did what few are capable: he not only made me leave the house, but he made me leave on a Saturday night and go to Brooklyn to see a band. Before any of you feel insulted or dare to think you can accomplish the same, let me tell you this is the result of more than 20 years of friendship. No one else could have accomplished this. Hell, I wouldn’t do this even for sex, so unless you’re got two decades of a relationship with me of which I’m unaware, let it go. In any case, I ventured into the new hipster nexus of New York City, which is Williamsburg. You know, you fuckers who love pushing this place need to get over yourselves. It’s decent and god knows it’s not lacking for hip little bars, but no one, and I mean no one, moves to New York to live in Brooklyn, much less fucking Williamsburg. You people are over-compensating because you compromised and backed down from the struggle of living in Manhattan. Yeah, it’s hard and cramped, but this is what we all came for. I’d rather serve in heaven than rule in the hell of the outer boroughs (I can hear the response emails being typed up right now). In any case, we went to a club called North Six to see a band called Azure Ray. But before that, we had to suffer through two other lame bands. Well, at least we thought they were two lame bands. It turns out the band before Azure Ray was Azure Ray under another name with a different member singing a different type of song. Given that Azure Ray is primarily two women singing that introspective type of teenage girl suicide music, I think the whiny rock before was a purely the result of one of the two male members, and the only reason he’s allowed to do so is because he’s sleeping with either one or both of the two girls. See, it’s not just men who suffer from letting their sex lives interfere with the music. The spirit of Yoko Ono haunts every band (at least Paul didn’t let Linda write or be up front). In any case, afterwards we went back to my apartment where I made martinis and we were soon joined by Miss Pretty Boy and her friend, Standard Pretty Girl Name. Now she hates that title, but she’s got the name that almost every pretty girl I’ve ever known seems to have. That was a little after midnight. Four or five hours of drinking and way too much conversation about life (especially mine it seems, which is why I try not to put too many of my friends in a room together---information exchange is dangerous), love and sex later, we’re making our way to a diner to coat that booze with some grease. I get to bed at 6:00 am---only to wake up at 10:00 because that fucker wants to go see the Mets play the Braves. So now I have to spend my entire Sunday afternoon in Queens watching a sport I despise, while freezing to death as Fall finally begins to arrive. To add insult to injury, freaking O-Town sang the national anthem. Kill me now. He’s gone now (thank god) so I can go back to my life of introspective solitude (i.e., reading comic books and watching DVD porn).
HOW FAR AM I FROM SUCKING DICK TO GET COMIC BOOK MONEY?
Speaking of comic books, my dealer continues to plague me. Making a rookie mistake, I actually went into his comic book store with a wad of cash. I was planning to go buy DVD’s later (Grease finally came out), but someone how I wound up spending $50 on comic books. How? Well, one of them cost $40. Somehow, he talked me into buying a hardbound collection of a cancelled comic book I never even read. He was ruthless about it too. When I began to waver he began to proudly tell me of how his beautiful little girl loves it when he does the Superman intro (“Faster than a speeding bullet…”). That totally distracted me. Also working with him was his little magenta-haired henchwoman, the two of them being a Luthor and Brainiac to my Superman; a Joker and Catwoman to my Batman; a Boris and Natasha to my Bullwinkle J. Moose. She’s already on my list for mocking me for not having all the issues to a great comic the way she did (a kind of geek castration, if you will). Sigh. If I wanted to blow $40 on geek stuff, I would have bought the Superboy/Supergirl action figure set, which includes Krypto and Streaky. Sigh. I’m an addict, pure and simple. What I need is some intervention. But if you can’t give me that, then buy me stuff!
GONE BUT NOT FORGOTTEN
Lawanda Page has died. Yes, Aunt Ester from Sanford & Son has passed, joining Redd Foxx in that big junkyard in the sky. As has Kim Hunter, who was better known for playingZera in Planet of the Apes than for winning an Oscar for A Streetcar Named Desire. Also having passed recently was James Gregory, who played Inspector Luger on Barney Miller; Katrin Cartlidge, who was in many of Mike Leigh’s films and a personal favorite of mine; and J. Lee Thompson, who directed the original, superior Cape Fear, not to mention Guns of Navarone. Oh, yeah. And the guy invented the Uzi, Uzi Gal, died too.
MAYBE NEXT WEEK HE’LL DO “WHO CAN IT BE NOW?”
I ignored the first season of Scrubs even though I’d been told it was good and actually saw enough of an episode to see that it truly was, but I finally saw an entire episode last week mainly because Colin Hay of Men At Work sang “Overkill” throughout the entire episode---until one of the characters destroys his guitar. Now that’s fucking funny.
WHY MEN RUN THE WORLD PART 89732747698737
So, it seems only one of the five girls from American Pie are coming back
for the third movie. Yeah, because Tara Reid, Mena Suvari, Natasha Lyonne (recently
busted for drunk driving) and Shannon Elizabeth have such busy careers. Allyson
Hannigan, who actually has a job on Buffy The Vampire Slayer, is the only one
coming back and the only one who doesn’t need to. Notice how the men, however,
can read the writing on the wall: “THIS IS THE ONLY HIT WE’RE EVER GOING TO
HAVE AND WE HAVE TO MILK IT FOR ALL IT’S WORTH.”
9/23/2002
“…Now, for some of you it doesn’t matter. You were born rich and you’re going
to stay rich. Now, here’s my advice to the rest of you: take dead aim on the
rich boys. Get them in the crosshairs and take them down. Just remember: they
can buy anything, but they can’t buy backbone. Don’t let them forget that. Thank
you.” --- Bill Murray in Rushmore, written by Wes Anderson & Owen Wilson
JESSE IS YO’ BABY DADDY
Barbershop remains at number one and the fact that Jesse Jackson is offended
by jokes made in this movie is enough to make me want to see it. Apparently,
Cedric The Entertainer makes jokes about Rosa Parks and Martin Luther King and
Jesse doesn’t like it because King is dead and Rosa is infirm. Well, she’s not
so infirm that she didn’t try and sue Outkast for writing a song about her a
few years back (but to her credit, I’m sure someone else probably talked her
into it) and King being dead didn’t stop Jesse himself from claiming that he
cradled the dying King in his arms after his assassination (which is totally
separate from Jesse’s adulterous affair that resulted in an illegitimate child
last year). What a fuckwad. He also insists that we hold some people sacred.
How fucking un-American is that? We hold no one sacred, which is why you can
talk about Martin Luther King’s affairs and Thomas Jefferson’s fucking his slaves
no matter what good they’ve done. This is what makes us great, goddamnit!
A.K.A, PENNY LANE 30 YEARS AFTER ALMOST FAMOUS
The Banger Sisters opens at number two and while I still find Susan Sarandon
and Goldie Hawn sexy in their mid-50’s and the idea of a movie based on them
being sluts is intriguing, I still couldn’t find the motivation to see this.
And you can blame that freaking trailer. It was all well and good until you
see the moment where they feel the need to force and I mean force, faux drama
onto this. I mean, it’s about two former groupies who fucked so much, Frank
Zappa called them “The Banger Sisters.” You simply have to let the drama go.
If you can’t get your point done with a joke, then don’t bother.
NOW YOU KNOW WHY THEY CALL TV A VAST WASTELAND
My Big Fat Greek Wedding holds at number two and the most amusing thing about
this film is how people feel they now have to apologize to me for liking it.
Well, goddamnit, you should! Now I understand it’s going to be come a replacement
series on CBS, as well as have a sequel. I’m definitely being punished for something.
DUMB NAME VERSUS EVEN DUMBER NAME
Ballistic: Ecks Vs. Sever opens at number four and is in the running for the
most unnecessarily cumbersome title of the year. Why they hell couldn’t they
just call it Ballistic? Now, I obviously wasn’t expecting much from something
so stupidly titled, but it still managed to let me down. The problem is the
action was too slow. I don’t mean there wasn’t enough of it, but just that it
literally moved slowly. There was a car chase that looked like I could have
run out and caught any of the cars on foot. And in this post-Matrix, post-Jet
Li/Jackie Chan world, if you’re going to have some martial arts fighting, it
really has to go to the next level and here it doesn’t. Lucy Liu finally gets
an opportunity to show her stuff in a non-comedic way, but it’s still safe to
say that she won’t be taking any butt-kicking Asian female roles from Michele
Yeoh. First of all, she ain’t that pretty and secondly, I can’t get over the
cross-eyed thing. But if you like watching little women shoot really big guns
(and I do), there’s still a cheap thrill here for you. Antonio Banderas looks
good in his Cerruitti suits (and who wouldn’t?), but that’s about all.
GREATER LOVE HATH NO MAN WHO WANTS TO BUGGER HIS FRIEND
The Four Feathers opens at number five and it could be that “classic adventure”
simply doesn’t work any more? The fourth adaptation of the classic novel, this
prides itself on being more politically correct than any of the previous versions
by not pretending the British had any right trying to rule the world, but that’s
not the only modernization this movie needed. It needed a competent hero. In
the end, it’s not Heath Ledger who saves his friends in an attempt to prove
he isn’t a coward, but Dijmon Hounsou, who saves his life time and time again
simply because of his belief that God wants him to. Now, again, this is wonderfully
politically correct (Black Muslim saves White Christian), but the movie isn’t
supposed to be about him. What should have happened was that Heath Ledger learned
skills from him, then do the job himself. Not to mention he loses the intensity
contest with Wes Bentley (as would anyone). In fact, it’s hard to imagine how
there could be a love triangle between Ledger, Bentley and Kate Hudson. Five
minutes with the pretty, intense Bentley and Ledger would easily be forgotten
by most anyone. The other reason the love triangle doesn’t work is because Wes
Bentley’s character is obviously in love with Heath Ledger’s character and sleeping
with his girl is as close he can get to sleeping with the man himself. Now homoeroticism
is an adventure story constant that seems timeless.
ETC.
One Hour Photo is down to number six, followed by Signs at number seven and
Stealing Harvard at number eight, and on The Daily Show Jon Stewart came right
and asked Jason Lee if he just did it for the money. He tried to nonchalantly
deny it, but it was pretty obvious Stewart hit the nail on the head.
ENJOY IT WHILE IT LASTS
Swimfan is down to number seven giving Erika Christensen two films in the top
ten this week along with The Banger Sisters, both of which opened well. Sign
those contracts quickly, honey, ‘cause it won’t last long. Ask Alicia Silverstone.
MEET THE NEW VIRGINA MADSEN
Finally, Trapped opens at number ten and Charlize Theron continues to show you
that potential means nothing. She’s tall, blonde, beautiful and actually has
some degree of talent, but unfortunately that talent is in not picking good
scripts. Here she continues her sad attempt to challenge Jodi Foster’s reign
as queen of the estro-thriller (remember our definition: woman takes on stupid
men who underestimate her to either defend her family or avenge her man). This
one doesn’t even challenge Jennifer Lopez or Ashley Judd, who are first in line
to try and take Jodi’s throne. The ad campaign was changed to hide the central
plot point (the daughter is kidnapped) because they felt it might offend people.
Sigh. Isn’t this the same logic that action films were dead after 9/11? In reality,
people go to the movies to see simplistic resolutions to complex problems. If
anything, they would love to see movie where the kidnappers of a young girl
met with horrible ends at the hands of the girl’s parents. But not necessarily
with Charlize Theron and Courtney Love in it.
NON JE PAS COMPRENDS FRANCAIS
Not breaking the top ten and not deserving to is 8 Women. Now, imagine a film
starring Julia Roberts, Meryl Streep, Kirsten Dunst, Jane Fonda, Reese Witherspoon,
Angela Basset, Linda Fiorentino and Michelle Pfeiffer. Sound good? Well, now
imagine that it was a campy, fetish, murder mystery with each character breaking
out into some pop tune every other minute…and all of this in French! Still good?
Unless you’re a drag queen looking for inspiration, I don’t think so. The fact
that 8 Women---starring Catherine Deneuve, Isabelle Huppert, Fanny Ardant, Emmanuelle
Beart, Virginie Ledoyen and three other leading French actresses---was a big
hit in France is simply more proof of why we run the world and they don’t. And
since when do you have a French film where no one gets naked? I should have
seen 16 boobs!
I’M ALL FOR TOOLS THAT LESSEN MY WORKLOAD
So, I’m downtown with Miss Prettyboy to buy DVD’s for her and books I’ll never
read for me. This, of course, leads to drinks and dinner. Well, drinks anyway.
We start at an oyster bar in the East Village at happy hour and don’t stop until
about 1:00 am at Verlaine---with a stop at Babes in Toyland (the sex shop run
by women) for good measure. I am so too old for this. Honestly, I’d hoped to
be home to catch the beginning of the new Fall TV season, but somehow it all
just…got away from me. Still, the evening was not entirely unproductive, I managed
to get her a date (he obviously liked her but was taking too goddamn long for
me) and discovered a vibrator that actually simulates the human pulse on one
of its settings. Now that’s inspired. So’s the price: $80. But if I means I
have to do less, it’s worth it.
SHAKEN, NEVER STIRRED
In yet another sad, desperate attempt to try an be an adult before 40 (I’m running
out of time) I decided to teach myself how to make martinis, so I bought some
glasses, the shaker and liqueurs (we already had more than enough gin and vodka
in the house). It’s fairly simple, but I’m not a big straight up martini drinker.
I like the pussyboy sweet stuff (which was my downfall during my night with
Miss Prettyboy), so after making a traditional 1951 Martini, I made myself an
Appletini and as soon as I get another liqueur, it’s going to be Caramel Appletini’s
all the live long day. My roommate requested a Dirty Martini, which I’d thought
of making until I read the ingredients. Olive juice. Fucking olive juice!?!
This has always been my impediment to drinking. I never had any moral issues,
I simply don’t like to ingest things that don’t taste good, plain and simple.
But I made it for her and she liked it, so now I have a willing accomplice in
my descent into alcohol and madness.
SILK PURSES FROM SOW’S EARS
Now, no one hated Hootie & The fucking Blowfish more than I, so imagine my surprise
when I fell for Darius Rucker’s solo single, “Wild One.” He’s doing R&B, not
that fucking frat boy rock he was doing before and for the first four songs
on the album, he’s not too involved in the writing. After that, it starts sounding
like fucking Hootie. And did we really need him doing “Amazing Grace”? I think
not. But that first cut is great. So great, that I actually sat down and taught
it to myself on the gee-tar. And just when I thought it couldn’t get any worse
than that, I hear the new Santana single, “Game Of Love” with Michele Branch,
someone else I never thought I’d listen to without a gun to my head. Damn Santana.
First he makes me listen to Rob Thomas of Matchbox 20 and now one of the little
anti-Britney’s. Next he’ll do a song with Mariah Carey and make me like it and
my hell will be complete.
GIVING “CRAZY LOVE” A NEW DEFINITION
Now, experimenting with martini’s coincided with my watching the Miss America
Pageant, because I always like to watch it drunk. Big noses and big teeth have
defined the Miss America Pageant for years and it didn’t change on Saturday.
You people have no idea how amazing it was that someone as beautiful as Vanessa
Williams ever won this contest. It was midway through that I realized Courtney
Love was doing her “24 Hours of Love” on MTV2. I never went back to Miss America.
Courtney Love continues to be a fascinating train wreck of a person. Needless
to say, she was being bleeped every other second and cheerfully ignoring the
edict not to talk about drugs (not to mention flashing people in the street).
I wished I could have watched the whole thing, but even I needed to sleep and
leave the apartment. In the time I watched, Cameron Crowe called, Michael Stipe
called and Molly Ringwald stopped by to allow Courtney to gush about how much
she loved The Breakfast Club (“Let The Breakfast Club go,” Cameron Crowe said
at one point). Also, she went out into the streets to talk to “the kids” who
are now young enough to be her children and tried to talk to them about today’s
critical faves. Again and again and again I heard The Hives, White Stripes and
The Strokes mentioned and how their success was a sign things were changing
for the better. Yeah, retreading the rock of the early 80’s is really a sign
of fucking progress. And you know what, I don’t see any of their albums in the
top ten, so let’s let this “return of rock” bullshit go, okay? Even when it
“ruled” it didn’t really “rule.” Hook-filled pop music has always dominated
the charts and always will.
HE WHO DIES WITH THE MOST TOYS WINS
Yes, that is Streaky The Supercat. I didn’t think I could get someone else to
buy it for me, so I bought it myself, while resisting my dealer’s effort to
get me to buy a $50 Superman statue that originally went for $250. Yes, I wanted
it, but I was strong…this time. Now I’m just waiting on Comet The Superhorse.
Yes, there was a superhorse and if you want to know something twisted in the
way of Catherine The Great, the horse would occasionally become human and romance
Supergirl. Gee, I wonder what he had going for him? I’m thinking he carried
some horse-like attributes with him. After all, a Supergirl needs a little something
more.
TWICE THE EVIL, TWICE THE CLARIOL NEEDED
How’s this for a something that both attracts and repulses me: Debra Messing
being interviewed by Ann Magnuson in this month’s Allure. I ignored the Emmy’s
for the most part, but managed to turn to it just in time to see her [Debra
Messing] looking amazing in that dress. Too bad she’s such a Woody Allen loving
idiot.
‘E’S PAUL’S GRANDFATHER
Again, I eased my troubled soul by buying DVD’s. Violating street date again,
my favorite sleazy store had A Hard Day’s Night on DVD (okay, and maybe I bought
a little more porn). Perhaps the greatest rock & roll film ever, it’s still
funny, fun and charming, but in retrospect you pick up things you never did
before, like the darker side of John Lennon even when he’s being frivolous.
It’s a two-disc set, with a second disc of shit I will probably never watch.
You see, it seems damn near everyone still living who was involved with this
film was interviewed---except Paul and Ringo, who perhaps have the biggest roles
in this film.
NOT JUST NO SOCKS, BUT NO UNDERWEAR AT ALL
I loved Miami Vice back in the day, so needless to say I enjoyed Hardball, which
is easily Miami Vice 2002. It even has the same plot: pretty boy cop’s partner
is killed, cop’s brother comes from New York seeking revenge, stays to fight
crime. Not to mention an emotional use of Phil Collins’s “In The Air Tonight.”
Created and directed (and I use the term “directed” loosely), by MCG, the director
(and I use the term “director” loosely) of Charlie’s Angels, it’s TV for attention
deficit disorder. Not one shot lasts more than five seconds at a time and it’s
filled with lots of bright colors that makes LA look like Miami. Lot’s of dumb
fun and I’ve got no problem with that.
“LOVE LIFT US UP WHERE WE BELONG…”
No flagwaver I, but I love the Navy commercial where Keith David says, “Life,
liberty…and the pursuit of all who threaten it.” If I were young and stupid,
that just might get me. But I could never join the Navy. Unless you’re an officer,
or until you’re an officer, you wear the ugliest of all armed forces uniforms.
Unless you’re Gene Kelly dancing, you look silly in that bell-bottomed swabby
wear. Now, the dress whites are different altogether. That’s when every man
can pretend he’s Richard Gere coming to get his girl out of the factory.
9/16/02
“Well, I believe in the soul, the cock, the pussy, the small of a woman’s
back, the hanging curve ball, high fiber, good scotch, that the novels
of Susan Sontag are self-indulgent overrated crap. I believe Lee Harvey
Oswald acted alone. I believe there ought to be a constitutional amendment
outlawing Astroturf and the designated hitter. I believe in the sweet
spot, soft-core pornography, opening your presents Christmas Morning rather
than Christmas Eve and I believe in long, slow, deep, soft, wet kisses
that last three days. Good night.” --- Kevin Costner in Bull Durham,
written and directed by Ron Shelton and the reason I own a green bomber
jacket to this day.
THERE WON’T BE ANOTHER NWA REUNION EITHER
Barbershop opens at number one and despite the good reviews this has been
getting, you won’t see me in it. Why? I have a low tolerance for “feel-good”
movies and an even lower tolerance for ethnic feel good movies. And the
cast did nothing to move me. Ice Cube? Cedric The Entertainer? Sean Patrick
Thomas, who will forever be known as “The Black Guy From Save The Last
Dance? Eve? Fucking Eve? Honestly, the excuse that having a rapper brings
in another audience just doesn’t work here. Anyone who saw this movie
would have seen it regardless of her, so all they’ve done is put a real
actress out of work (this was obviously what we call “The Regina King
role”). But Ice Cube is happy. His rap career is all but over and he’s
flat out said he’s not going to be doing “Today Was A Good Day” when he’s
40. Movies are his bread and butter now and given how Ghosts of Mars crapped
out, his future may lay obviously in more family fare.
DEFEAT
My Big Fat Greek Wedding holds at number two finally breaking the $100M
mark and it has outlasted all my bile. I simply have no more insults left.
I’ve trashed this mediocre monument to middlebrow movie making all summer
long and still it rolls on. Sigh.
NANOO-NANOO---TO HELL!
One Hour Photo enters the top ten at number three and between you and
me, I’ve always found Robin Williams creepy in that way that all clowns
are creepy. Anyone who works as hard as they do to make you laugh is obviously
hiding something dark and evil (but in his case that dark and evil was
Patch Adams). Still, I really don’t see his latest round of dark roles
as stretching that much because I’ve always felt him capable of it. Every
week on Mork & Mindy I kept waiting for him to just snap and kill both
her and her annoying father and take over the Earth in an orgy of blood
and death.
COMING SOON: MALLRATS 2?
Stealing Harvard opens at number four and how many times a day does Jason
Lee call Kevin Smith and beg for a role that doesn’t make him hate himself
at night. “Dude, I’m making movies with fucking Tom Green. Doesn’t that
tell you how desperate I am? I might as well be sucking dick down by the
docks.” I can’t see how this even made $6M. Who the hell saw any of those
commercials and thought it was worth leaving the house for?
BAD MOVIES OF TODAY ARE CABLE TV FODDER OF THE FUTURE
Swimfan is down to number five, on its way to its true destiny as a late
night film on USA, followed by Signs at number six, which will one day
be played on TNT in repeating 36 hour blocks as a “New Classic” and finally
City By The Sea at number seven, which will join Falling In Love as one
of those Robert DeNiro films that no one ever sees that only run on Channel
55 out of Long Island.
RAY HARRYHAUSEN IS GOD
XXX is down to number eight, followed by Spy Kids 2: The Island of Lost
Dreams at number nine and there’s a part in this movie that will
touch the heart of every true geek. At one point the boy finds a creature
that’s part spider, part monkey (spider monkey, get it?) that helps him.
The creature has a belt across its torso and carries a staff. Sound familiar?
Think of Sinbad and The Eye of The Tiger. The Cyclops who came to their
aid---to be killed for his trouble along with most of Sindbad’s loyal
crew. At one point the spidermonkey seems to suffer the same fate, but
obviously Robert Rodriquez hated how the Cyclops died like every other
kid in the world and gives us the ended we always wanted.
THE END…FINALLY
Finally, Goldmember closes out the top ten at number ten.
FRANKLY I PREFER “IGBY” TO “HOLDEN”
Not breaking the top ten but truly deserving to more that stupid wedding
movie is Igby Goes Down, the first feature from writer/director Burr Steers.
It’s a kind of a dark comedic bookend to Tadpole, as the coming of age
story of yet another affluent kid. Obviously influenced by Catcher In
The Rye, it’s the story of moneyed youth Igby (Keiran Culkin), who flees
from his hated mother’s (Susan Sarandon) attempts to shuttle him off to
yet another private school to the loft of his godfather’s mistress (Jeff
Goldblum and Amanda Peet respectively) in New York. Also on hand in this
are Bill Pullman, Jared Harris, Ryan Phillippe (as Igby’s sociopathic,
yet aware brother) and Claire Danes (as the bored coed who sleeps with
both brothers). It’s not a new concept for a film by any means, but Steers
infuses it with enough dark wit to give it a new life. Needless to say,
with this cast the performances are all top notch, and between this and
The Dangerous Lives of Altar Boys, Kieran Culkin is just one more good
role away from reducing Macauley to “brother of Keiran.” But it’s super
spooky how much they all look alike. The Baldwins don’t look as much alike
as these kids (the youngest, Rory, even makes an appearance as a child
Igby). It’s like they aren’t so much brothers as they are clones.
THIS JUST IN: BROKEN COMPUTERS LEAD TO PORN!
Needless to say after my stint in computer hell, it was only fitting that
I got the fucking thing to work just before I shipped it off, so it was
all for nothing. Now I realize that my new computer is too advanced for
my old printer so I have to drop more change on an adapter for it. Because
of this undue suffering, I felt I deserved to buy myself some DVD’s and
so the collection was upped this week by another two (okay, maybe it was
three, but I will not admit to a new porn title with a name so sordid
I cannot bear to repeat it): Batman & Mr. Freeze, a direct-to-video continuation
of the great, great series and Monsters Inc., which was made available
thanks to numerous retailers who have no understanding of waiting for
a legal street date. I loved this movie and it kills me that crap like
Shrek outgrossed it. Also available on the DVD is the animated short that
preceded it (the one with the birds), which also had more imagination
and wit in two minutes than Shrek had in ninety.
AVENGERS ASSEMBLE!
So I’m wearing my gay Captain America shirt and I see walking towards
me on the street a guy in a t-shirt with The Mighty Thor on it (hell,
all we needed was some guy in an Iron Man t-shirt and we could have stopped
evil all over the city). I avoid his glance at first because I know what’s
coming. Finally, I realize he’s not going stop looking at me so I meet
his glance and he smiles and gives me the upward nod of the acknowledging
geek. The one that says, “I’m not wearing this shirt to be ironic.
I’m wearing this shirt because I fucking love this comic book.” And
I’m his king.
IN FACT, YOU ALL NEED TO BUY ME SOMETHING GEEKY
So, I went down to my dealer to buy comic books and a monkey (hold on,
I’ll get to it). In any case, true to form, my dealer pushes a group of
comics on me that I had no intention of ever buying, so now I’m overbudget
and cannot buy my monkey (hold on). Knowing one of my geek girls is coming
there later, I tell him to suggest to her that she buy the monkey for
me. He laughs, but I know my geek girls. I knew she’d buy it because she
didn’t think I would believe she’d actually buy it for me. And that’s
why I now have Beppo, the Supermonkey. Beppo was used by Jor-El to test
the spacecraft and when Krypton exploded, he snuck onboard the spaceship
carrying Superman and came to earth with him. Now, he sits next to Krypto,
The Superdog and Ace, The Bathound in my home. All I need now is Streaky
the Supercat (which should be onsale any moment now) and Comet The Superhorse
(which they haven’t made yet) and my Legion of Superpets will be complete
(yes, I know it was Proty and not Ace who was in the Legion, but I never
liked Proty).
‘CAUSE READING IS FUNDEMENTAL
Finally, I’m in the bookstore looking for a freaking Justice League calendar
when I decide to glance at Janice Dickinson’s autobiography, No Lifeguard
On Duty. In case you didn’t know, if you were anyone in the 70’s, man
or woman, you fucked Janice Dickinson, who was a supermodel of the time.
In almost every celeb bio of that time that I’ve read, her name comes
up at least once. You may know of her more recently when she thought she
was pregnant with Stallone’s kid. Even after tests proved it wasn’t, she
said “It’s yours in the eyes of the church.” “Then let the church
pay for it,” was Stallone’s uncharacteristically droll reply. So,
I’m trying to get to it, but who’s blocking the display table where they’re
sitting? None other than Bernadette Peters, who’s got a picture of herself
somewhere that’s doing most of her aging for her, ‘cause the woman’s 50
if she’s a day, but she looks great (the last I saw her in person was
16 years ago in the Village). Finally I got to a copy and in my cursory
glance at it, she mentions Stallone was as short as his sexual performance
and that Liam Neeson was hung like a donkey and “fucked her lights
out.” She also mentioned that afterwards he almost started crying
over being dumped by Julia Roberts and even had one of her monogrammed
towels still around. Being a class act, Dickinson used it to douche with.
I almost bought it, but I still haven’t read that book where the French
woman fucks everyone. I started it, but it was too much for my senses.
I mean, by the time I got to page nine, she was explaining how it was
better to be fucked in the ass by the right dick than have regular sex
with a fat guy with the wrong dick. Simply too much.
9/9/2002
My advice to you is to start drinking heavily.” --- John
Belushi in Animal House, written by Douglas Kenney, Chris Miller and the
great Harold Ramis.
CRAZED SKANK IS A MUCH BETTER TITLE AND I MIGHT HAVE SEEN THAT
Swimfan opens at number one and this is yet another sad indicator of how
bad it is out there right now. A teen-version of Fatal Attraction is the
number one movie in America. And that title! I can’t believe that no one
could think of a better title than fucking “Swimfan.” Ooh, scary, scary.
And why are they paying to see this when the entire movie is in the trailer?
They meet, they have sex, she becomes obsessed and begins to destroy his
life. All that’s missing is her either being killed or committed in the
end. Somewhere Alicia Silverstone is saying, “Hey, didn’t I make that
movie too and call it ‘The Crush’?”
AND YES, THEY ARE MAKING A SEQUEL
I’m being punished by the movie gods. How else can you explain My Big
Fat Greek Wedding only being kept from the number one slot by a movie
like Swimfan (the enemy of my enemy is my friend)?
MARTY, HE NEEDS YOU
City By The Sea opens at number three and Robert DeNiro must be the only
highly acclaimed superstar whose movies never really make money or get
decent reviews. Honestly, with the exception of Analyze This, DeNiro hasn’t
made a good, successful movie in forever (and Analyze This wasn’t that
great either). Heat maybe? Ronin possibly? Goodfellas was great, but it
didn’t do well. Meet the Parents did well but sucked (it was too goddamn
long, riding on what was essentially one joke). And don’t get me started
on 15 Minutes, The Score, Showtime, Men of Honor, Rocky & Bullwinkle,
Flawless… He makes a lot of movies and he makes a lot of crap. He’s threatening
to become another Michael Caine. I almost saw this, but passed when I
learned it was based on an already fascinating true story (a cop whose
father and son were both killers) that was changed to make it “more interesting.”
Sigh. It pretty much died there.
NOW ADMIT THAT YOU LOVE ACTING IN ALL YOUR MOVIES
Signs is down to number four and M. Night Shyamalan is feeling so good
about the success of this that he’s telling the truth constantly. He recently
said that Joel Haley Osment deserved the Best Supporting Actor Oscar a
few years back (he did) and that neither Cider House Rules or The Sixth
Sense were as good as people thought they were (they weren’t). Only people
at the very top or very bottom can afford to be truly honest. Those in
the middle have to be cheerleaders or faux rebels (Ed Norton, I’m talking
to you).
ETC.,.
XXX is down to number four (and I maintain that Vin Diesel is still just
a legend in his own mind), while Spy Kids 2 follows at number five and
Austin Powers in Goldmember at number six.
MORE LIKE WHERESMYCAREER.COM
Fear Dot Com is down to number seven and what was gained by not saving
this another month and a half and making some Halloween money? And wasn’t
Stephen Dorff once supposed to be someone? Maybe it was before they realized
he’d always be 5’6”…and ugly. Same for Natasha McElhone. Did someone else
also realize she wasn’t as pretty as you thought? Now Stephen Rea used
to be someone, but Geoffrey Rush pretty much came in and took all his
roles, reducing him to this.
HOW ABOUT MR. DEEDS AND SIMONE?
At number eight and placing Sony as a new rival to Disney in the “pure
evil” category is the Spider-Man/Men In Black 2 double feature. Spider-Man
is essentially the sweet to encourage you to accept the sour that was
Men In Black 2. I’m amazed it wasn’t Spider-Man/Stuart Little 2. And in
whose account does this money go? Somehow I think Sony’s going to give
it to MIB2 to make it seem more successful than it was. God knows another
$2M means dick to Spider-Man’s final tally.
AND THEY SHOULD HAVE BEEN STRIPPERS TOO
Finally, I’m shocked Blue Crush has done so poorly. Granted it wasn’t
the greatest movie in the world, but next to My Big Fat Greek Wedding
it’s fucking Citizen Kane. It seemed to have everything going for a teen
summer movie crowd, but alas, it did not. Now let me ask the honest question
that no one else will: would better-looking girls have helped? Yes, I
know I was pleased they were so…”real looking”, but obviously I was the
only one. Maybe they should have had models surfing.
FIRST MY CABLE AND NOW THIS
Okay, so there was no column last week because I was in computer hell.
Suddenly my little powerbook wouldn’t type (and this shit always happens
on the weekends, when I can’t go get it repaired) and then after I opened
it to look at it, death. Okay, maybe I caused the death by opening it
but forgetting to unplug it when I did, I admit that, but it was known
to fuck up before that. Realizing I had to get a new one and quickly,
it was ebay time. Also, because I was pissed at being forced to buy a
new one at this critical financial juncture (almost finished paying off
the damn therapy bill and actually trying to plan a vacation), I resolved
to get a better one, which is why I now write this on my new (used) Powerbook
G3 Lombard with 400MHz and a DVD player. I considered an ibook, but they
all have small screens and size matters. I offset the cost of it by selling
off my old one pieces like a stolen car---which is super scary because
it’s exactly what my dad would have done.
BETTER LATE THAN NEVER
MTV Awards opened well-intentioned enough, but if I’m 16, Bruce Springsteen
opening means I have to watch the first 10 minutes with my parents who
still want to believe they’re hip…he’s still a dork, but his great opening
proves that Jimmy Fallon is a damn funny one…yes, that was Anna Kornikova
with Enrique (somewhere Ricky Martin is wondering how this balding loser
survived Latin pop, but not him), because it’s not like she had to get
up and play tennis anymore…Britney Spears and Michael Jackson in a worst
outfit contest and even though that was easily one of the worst things
I’ve ever seen her in (which is saying a helluva lot), that pale freak
still won…Christina Aguilera doing her impression of Alicia Keyes while
wearing two bands of cloth that reveal her totally unnecessary boob job
that had Eminem’s boys openly gawking at her onstage. First she starts
off imitating Mariah Carey’s singing style, now she’s following all her
mistakes as well…Someone should tell Lisa Marie Presley she’s literally
old enough to be Avril Lavigne’s mom and even Avril Lavigne wouldn’t wear
that outfit…MTV tried to go back to the well with Triumph the Insult Dog,
but it didn’t come close to last year’s (though he did have the best pre-show
comment: “There’s Christina Aguilera showing that even superstars can
dress like the most desperate groupie.”)…Puffy shows he knows who his
audience really is by having a 10-year-old blonde White boy right next
to him onstage…Pink just might be straight, because only straight women
and really dumb lesbians trying fake straightness date losers like she’s
doing (can you say Whitney Houston?)…not only is N’Sync’s time up, but
Justin Timberlake shows he’s got no solo career to fall back on. Lame
Michael Jackson impressions do not an initial effort make. It’s a good
thing David Lee Roth and Sammy Haggar were there to show him his potential
future…Heath Ledger has gone the way of Matthew McConaughey with a premature
hair loss. Even with his head shaved, I could see where the hairline started.
Or didn’t start, as the case may be…I like The Hives because they sound
like a good 80’s band and could care less about The Vines because they
sound like a bad 90’s band…Shakira justifies her existence with her belly
dancing, then ruins it by singing in that annoying quiver-voice…Axel Rose?
Axel fucking Rose? Who fucking cares!?! I mean really, who the fuck cares!?!
The last time this man had a hit, no one had a cell phone. Was Avril Lavigne
even born?
MY FAVORITE PART? THE STORY BEHIND “SWEET EMOTION”
Aerosmith Behind The Music was one of the few two-hour versions of this
show that warranted it. They were also smart to make the show just as
much about the present as the past. Watching them still get into arguments
about songs after thirty years was fun and probably why they’re still
somewhat interesting. This should be shown as a requirement to upcoming
bands to show them the mistakes not to make---most important of which
is NEVER SIGN AWAY YOUR PUBLISHING! To see the former managers trying
to justify why they are getting 50% of publishing royalties forever, is
to look into the face of pure fucking evil. And I’m always amazed at how
the Liv Tyler story keeps changing. This time she had no idea he was her
father until told. In another interview she said the day came and she
just knew. And why does no one ever talk to Todd Rundgren about this?
I’m sure he doesn’t want to talk about how he pussied out on a child he
raised for eight years, but there wasn’t even a “Mr. Rundgren declined
our request for an interview.”
“I GOT SIX” IS ANOTHER GREAT ONE
Schoolhouse Rock came out on DVD and I had to buy it. There’s a lot of
crap out that I want to buy, but as discussed before, guitar lessons now
eat up my former DVD budget. Now any time I want I can watch “Three
Is A Magic Number” in digital clarity and with printed lyrics! The
weird thing is how many of them actually sucked that you don’t remember.
Especially in the word arena (“Busy Prepositions?”). And I don’t
even remember anything called “Money Rock.” Those must be the sucky new
ones they’ve tried. But something as great as “Verb” and actual as achingly
beautiful as “If you could skate/A figure eight…” more than makes
up for it.
RAUNCHY DOESN’T AUTOMATICALLY MEAN FUNNY
How bored was I with no computer and no movies to see? I rented The Sweetest
Thing on DVD just to see the penis song they cut. How small are the dicks
of the men at Sony who got this scene axed? Granted, it’s not that funny,
but it’s no unfunnier than the rest of that movie. To understand just
why this movie is so unfunny, you only need listen to the commentary by
Cameron Diaz, Christina Applegate, Selma Blair and the director. They
are in hysterics over simply making farting noises and talking in weird
voices. No wonder they thought this sorry script was great. Cameron Diaz,
however, has no excuse. She actually made a funny raunchy movie (There’s
Something About Mary) so she should have known better. There’s also a
feature on the writer showing her real friends on whom the movie is partially
based. It serves to confirm my theory that female comedians who pride
themselves on being raunchy like men are usually not that attractive (can
you say Sarah Silverman? Margaret Cho?). I rented National Lampoon’s Van
Wilder as well, and after that crap it seemed sophisticated. At least
they understood funny is different from just being gross. It’s major flaw
is a need to have some sort of real emotional heart…in a movie where
men are tricked into eating dog sperm! If it had just as been as unapologetic
as Animal House it might have actually have been a decent movie. Ryan
Reynolds (he was on that horrible Two Guys, A Girl & A Pizza Parlor) is
what Jim Carrey would be if he were a little better looking and half as
annoying.
ENTER THE DWAGON. I MEAN “DRAGON”
AMC had a little documentary on Bruce Lee and the director reconstructed
the shot footage from Game of Death into what Bruce wanted , rather than
the mess that was released with no less than two different actors in over-sized
sunglasses pretending to Bruce Lee. Sadly, it’s no better than was released.
Bruce Lee was one of those guys who couldn’t write a script to save his
life, but has the power to do it because the studio knows it’s not the
dialogue that people come to see anyway. And though much has been made
about Bruce Lee creating Kung-Fu but not being allowed to play the lead
because he was Chinese, the simple truth is Lee’s accent was super-thick.
I’ve no doubt racism played a part, but it didn’t help that he had trouble
with the letter “L.” And the letter “R.” And…
THE SIMPLE WAY TO A GEEK’S HAPPINESS
While the rest of you wait patiently, my fall season has already started
with a new episode of The Justice League on the Cartoon Network. Lex Luthor
forms the Injustice League (Joker, The Cheetah, Solomon Grundy, Copperhead,
Star Sapphire and The Mist) to take down Justice League and particularly
Superman. Man, was it fun. I’ve still got my geek wood. The only bad thing
is it was a two-parter and I have to wait for the next installment…just
like a comic book.
ALSO LOOK FOR HIM IN SOFTCORE PORN ONE DAY. EEEWWWW.
Sarah Michelle Gellar married Freddie Prinze Jr. Start your divorce countdown…now!
She’s going to be like John Ritter, always having a successful television
career, whereas he will make direct to video and cable movies for the
rest of his life. He’s the new C. Thomas Howell.
TWO WORDS: SALMA HAYEK
What is this obsession with Heidi Klum? Okay, so she’s skinny, tall and
has a nice rack, but she’s so far from perfect it hurts. Skinny, skinny
legs, knock-kneed and barely a waist---how could GQ choose her to play
sex-goddesses through ages? Thankfully they made it up to me by including
a shot of Drea Dematteo wearing nothing (and I mean nothing) but a pair
of fishnet stockings and a bra.
I GUESS FOR A HOLIDAY WEEKEND SHE’D GET A CASE
Finally, nothing does my heart better than to see an attractive woman
buying the industrial 24 pack of condoms at nine the morning on a Friday.
Someone was looking forward to a busy weekend. I, myself, could never
buy the industrial pack. I have a fear that the pretty lesbian who works
the counter would arch an eyebrow and ask, “Are you sure? Wouldn’t you
be more comfortable with a three pack? That way, if you have to throw
them away, it won’t be such a waste.”