12/16/02
“The seven deadly sins…food, clothing, fire, rent, taxes, respectability
and children.” --- George Bernard Shaw
“FORMULATED IN A CORPORATE BOARDROOM” IS MORE LIKE IT
Maid In Manhattan opens surprisingly at number one. I thought for sure
her PR saturation (that’s Public Relations, not Puerto Rican) would have
caused a backlash, but apparently people loves them some JLo. Not me.
Personally, I don’t think they could make a more clichéd movie if they
tried. Granted, I did not see it---I couldn’t bear to---but let me make
a few educated guesses. He’s a good man at heart, despite being a politician
(a Republican, no less!) and she reaches the part of him that he’s forgotten
in his grab for power---much to the chagrin of his ice princess girlfriend
and power hungry campaign manager. Also the kid will do lots cute, precocious
things; the hiding of her secret will lead to convoluted situations and
really bad, forced comedy, and she’s finally outed in an embarrassing
public fashion---but not before insulting all her enemies in a “me-so-cool-and-ethnic,
you-so-not-cool-and-white” fashion. And I didn’t even mention the obligatory
dancing to a pop song, but there are so many ways it can suck and I only
have so much of my life to waste on it.
THE FINAL FRONTIER: DUNE BUGGIES
Star Trek: Nemesis opens at number two and it is really time to put this
puppy to bed, no? I’ve never been a Next Generation fan, but these movies
look horrible, each one worst than the one before it. You know you’ve
hit rock bottom, when, in your science fiction movie set hundreds of years
in the future, the most exciting thing you can imagine involves fighting
dune buggies. Fighting dune buggies!?! Not spaceships, or flying
motorcycles, dune buggies! Everyone involved in this is a flat
out whore, because there’s no way they looked at this script and said,
“Wow! That’s imaginative and I’d really like to see what we can do
with that.” At least not anybody who wasn’t brown-nosing for work
on Star Trek: Enterprise.
"I DON’T WANNA WORK/I JUST WANNA BANG ON THE DRUM ALL DAY…”
Drumline opens at number three and speaking of clichés, stop me if you’ve
heard this one before: young hotshot joins the group, and while he/she
is easily the best, they understand nothing about the teamwork that makes
a group work, which leads to his/her dismissal until humility and teamwork
are learned and he/she returns to lead the group to victory. Oh, and did
I forget the love interest from the other side of the tracks? Well, Drumline
has all these but still manages to be entertaining (no, this still won’t
make me give Maid In Manhattan a chance). It’s a little too long, because
god knows drum battles get old pretty damn quick and the last fifteen
minutes is all that. Also, even though I’d like to give props to any movie
that makes Black people going to college look glamorous (as opposed to
the two million other movies that glamorize a life of crime), I have to
take issue with all the non-minority faces on campus. Please. What is
the point of setting a film on a Black college campus and then have every
fifth person be White? I had horrible flashbacks to that first season
of A Different World, when Marisa Tomei was Lisa Bonet’s roommate and
what was obviously supposed to be an all-Black college. Honestly, who
did they think was only going see this film if every fifth person in the
background was White (all-Black, no; 80% Black, sure)? I understand the
forced casting of the token White boy in the band, but that’s why he’s
the token. He’s not a token if there’s more than one (not to mention he’s
so Olive-skinned he almost passes).
FOR THE FIRST TIME EVER: NOT ENOUGH MORONS
Tied with Die Another Day at number four is The Hot Chick, whose low opening
is surprising to me, as after Mr. Deeds made $100M+, I thought for sure
that moron contingent would come out for this (they made a huge mistake
in taking Sandler’s cameo out of the commercials). Especially when there
are no really, really dumb action movies out. I guess the morons with
girlfriends went to Maid In Manhattan and the lonely morons went to Star
Trek.
YOU, YOU MAKING JOKES TO MY WIFE?
Harry Potter & The Chamber of Secrets is down to number six, while Analyze
That continues to fail by dropping to number seven and I’ll never know
until they run it a hundred times on cable next year, but it would be
very sad if nothing would made nothing of Robert DeNiro’s onscreen reunion
with his Raging Bull costar, Cathy Moriarty.
ETC.
The Santa Clause 2 is down to number eight, followed by Treasure Planet
at number nine and Empire closes out the top ten at number ten.
ALL THAT’S MISSING ARE LEPRECHAUNS AND EVIL BRITS
Not breaking the top ten and not deserving to is Evelyn, starring Pierce
Brosnan in the true story of a man who lost custody of his children in
Ireland in the 50’s when his wife ran out on them. He challenged the Irish
courts in pre-Kramer vs. Kramer situation over whether or not he could
raise them on his own. Now, Pierce Brosnan may actually be Irish by birth,
but it doesn’t mean he can play one. Sorry, but his acting chops are severely
limited to looking suave and this movie drives it home, as he plays one
of the most buffoonish Irishmen ever to be seen onscreen. What’s really
sad about it is that the real-life children say that’s an accurate representation
of their dad onscreen. Sorry, but that just makes me think the Irish courts
had a point in taking them away. Needless to say, it’s not an Irish film
without singing, lots of drinking, hard-punching priests, nice & nasty
nuns and Adian Quinn (who seems to think that we don’t know he’s Irish,
so he has to be in as many Irish films as possible) and this movie has
them all in a very unimpressive fashion. Not that I needed to see an authentic
depiction of poor and working-class Ireland in the 50’s, but this is positively
anti-septic. It could be a freaking ad for tourism. Brosnan did a much
better job as producer and as an Irishman in The Nephew, which never found
a release in this country. Catch that one cable if you can.
IT’S LIKE THE TRUMPET GUY WANTING CREDIT FOR PENNY LANE
And since the new issue is out, I’ll finally share with you cheap, no-magazine
buying bastards my review of Standing in the Shadows of Motown: Imagine
a documentary on Charlie Watts where neither Mick Jagger nor Keith Richards
is interviewed, and Ron Wood only shows up in archival footage. That’s
the feeling you get when watching the surprisingly engaging, very interesting
and sometimes heartbreaking documentary, Standing In the Shadows of Motown
(based on a book by the same name) about the skilled musicians who actually
played the music on all those Motown hits, who went by the name “The Funk
Brothers.” Oddly, the two men most responsible for building Motown, Berry
Gordy and Smokey Robinson are only seen in photographs and never, ever
heard from. Stevie Wonder learned the piano from one of these men and
is only seen a decade old television interview. That’s pretty unusual,
not to mention a bit suspicious. A sad hint as to how little these men
were and still are regarded. Still, while you feel for The Funk Brothers,
who never got their due for a staggering amount of influential work (they
created The Motown sound as much as anyone else), ultimately they were
simply the most talented session musicians that ever lived. They didn’t
write anything and no one made them stay there in the shadows. Just because
that particular person didn’t play bass on “Tears of a Clown” didn’t mean
that someone else wouldn’t have. Besides, they could have left and joined
any real band anytime they wanted to and the reasons why these former
jazzmen (the list of artists they previously played for reads like a Who’s
Who of jazz greats) never did are never broached. Joan Osbourne, Meshell
Ndegeocello, Gerald Levert, Montell Jordan and Chaka Kahn all show up
to do spirited renditions of Motown classics accompanied by the reunited
surviving Funk Brothers. Only Ben Harper is surprisingly stiff and needs
to stick to his own music or pull that board out of his ass.
BIGG WASTE OF TIME
So, I’m sitting through VH1 Bigg Awards only because Drea DeMatteo is
hosting and I need some cheering up after having my Falcons lose to fucking
Seattle (Seattle!?!). She looks great, as always, but this has got to
be the most useless awards show ever. I mean, what’s covered here that
isn’t covered in the My VH1 Awards show? At least Bon Jovi isn’t wearing
that goddamn flag shirt anymore, but what does it say about your new album
when every performance you have, you have to play your old hits before
and after it to make people suffer though it…Ashton Krutcher has better
be glad he was born tall with a pretty face, because otherwise he’d have
spent most of his life getting his ass kicked…Is it just me, or does John
Mayer look like a less-attractive version of Tom Everett Scott? But it
was a nice transition from her song to his…I still say Christina Applegate’s
marriage won’t last. She just talks way too much about how great it is,
while you never hear it from her husband…the bit about a video game called
Grand Theft Nolte where you drive under the influence was hysterical…Christina
Aguilera covering up and desperately trying to save a sinking album and
sinking career…Andy Dick was funny on The Ben Stiller Show and has not
been funny since. Someone kill his agent…Lisa Marie Presley looking more
and more like her dad every day—and not necessarily in a good way…Lucy
Liu in a dangerously short ddress, which, sadly, didn’t serve to make
her look any prettier…Seeing Chuck D. doing run DMC songs was the second
best thing about the show (Drea in low riding leather pants was number
one)
I’LL ADMIT IT: I OWN STREETS OF FIRE TOO.
Got my copy of Unfaithful on DVD (bringing us up to 248, not counting
the porn) complete with deleted scenes and an alternate ending, but the
main reason I have it is for the hallway scene. If you’ve seen it, you
know what I’m talking about. The deleted scenes were justifiably deleted
and the only sex in them is in the movie theater where he goes down on
her. The alternate ending is just as wrongheaded as the major plot development
that leads to it. It never should have been shot, much less considered
for use. And did I mention that hallway scene? Or the bathroom scene?
One thing that occurred to me that I somehow missed the first time, is
that no child by Richard Gere and Diane Lane could ever be as ugly as
the Culkin kid who plays their son. No way. And did I mention the hallway
scene? Damn shame it wasn’t longer.
A BLACK GUY, A LESBIAN AND AN IRISH GUY TRIED TO MAKE A SHOW…
Finally, Colin Quinn’s new show on Comedy Central called Tough Crowd sucks.
It’s the same show he had briefly on NBC---which also sucked---which is
simply him giving all his stand-up buddies jobs while they make politically
incorrect jokes. Now, the reasoning is this is what people are really
thinking, so why pretend? Well, dumbass, the reason people don’t say it
or say it publicly is that they know it’s wrong! But what’s more wrong
is to tell an offensive joke that’s not even funny! I’ll be the first
one to tell you that Nick DiPaulo (one of the only two funny guys) saying
that there are so many Jews in show business that the credits of your
average sitcom looks like Schindler’s List was wrong, but it was funny,
so it gets a pass. Everyone else, including a very disappointing appearance
by Janene Garofalo, was not funny and get no pass. Time to bring back
the Battlebots.
12/09/02
“Life is one long process of getting tired.”
--- Samuel Butler
“THANK YOU, Q. ER, I MEAN, MONEYPENNY.”
Returning to the top spot is Die Another Day and sadly, the new Moneypenny is already showing the signs of aging as badly as the previous Moneypenny. My god, by the end of the Roger Moore run, she was starting to look like a man in drag. Is aging poorly God’s punishment on the English for the damage they’ve done to the world? If so, then why do the Irish suffer from it as well?
FOR GOD’S SAKE, NO GROUNDHOG DAY 2!
Analyze That opens at number two and I couldn’t bring myself to see it. I didn’t like the first one all that much until I was able to watch it on cable and only turn back to the scenes I liked and avoid the third act entirely. And someone needs to break Robert DeNiro out of this comedy rut he’s in, because for the most part, it sucks. Rock bottom had to be his agreeing to be on Saturday Night Live. And Billy Crystal…the less said the better. Harold Ramis is a comedy god to me, but he should know better after Caddyshack 2 and Ghostbusters 2 that sequels don’t work for him. And when is he going to get back together with Bill Murray?
IN CASE YOU DON’T GET IT, THAT MEANS I WANT YOU ALL TO DIE
Harry Potter and The Chamber of Secrets is down to number three and all you Harry Potter fans should get together and hold your collective breath until sequel comes out---in two years! Yep, it’s gonna be awhile, kids. The lead actor has to go to an English private school before he can start another film. But on the upside, you’re going to have a real director next time. Hackmaster Chris Columbus is gone and Alfonso Curaon (Y Tu Mama Tambien) is coming in. I look forward to the scene where Harry and his buddy magically masturbate while talking about Natalie Portman and Britney Spears. And then there’s the scene where their little girl pal blows them both while they make out. What? You mean he’s not going to do that in every film now?
…AND ALWAYS HIRE AT LEAST ONE RAPPER
Empire opens at number four, which is pretty impressive given that it opened in less than a thousand theaters. This is the first film from a Latin owned company and they learned what Black filmmakers learned thirty years ago: to make money you must appeal to your target audience’s worst instincts. John Leguizamo stars and the trailer lost me the moment the voiceover has him say, “I’m young, Latin and good looking.” Please. He’s Latin. That’s just about it. Still, the idea of a drug lord being ripped off by a Wall Street shark was appealing, but not enough to get me into a theater. And what the hell is Denise Richards doing here? Trying to build some indie cred? Please. Get rid of the plastic boobs first, honey.
WHAT NEXT, HUCK FINN ON MARS?
Treasure Planet is down to number five and at a budget of $140M, there’s no way in the world this is going to make its money back. And even though I liked it, I could have told them that. I mean, why remake Treasure Island in any form? Everyone knows the story or should know it. Even when the Muppets did it, it was a flop. They should have known better. Consider this another nail in the coffin that is traditional animation, which is a shame.
ETC
The Santa Clause 2 is down to number six, followed by Adam Sandler’s 8 Crazy Nights at number seven and Friday After Next at number eight.
AND THE WINNER FOR MOST SUPRISING NON-CRAP IS…
8 Mile is down to number nine and while it is a decent enough movie, this freaking Oscar talk is getting on my nerves. Only if they create an Oscars for “Better Than You Ever Expected” or “Not As Bad As You Might Think” or “Best Portrayal of Him or Her Self.”
THE END
Finally, The Ring closes out the top ten at number ten.
YES, I WAS ONLY THERE FOR MY MAN-CRUSH
Not breaking the top ten and not even given a chance to is, Equilibrium, easily one of the worst titles of the year. By that title would you know it’s a Matrix-type action film starring Christian Bale, Taye Diggs, Emily Watson, and Sean Bean? Me either. Formerly titled “The Cleric” it’s set in the future after the third world war and mankind has found peace in a society based on no emotions, thanks to a steady diet of a drug known as “prozium.” This means that anything that causes emotions, such as art, music or literature is illegal and is destroyed. The top enforcers of this are known as Clerics (hence the original title). Christian Bale is a Cleric, so devoted that he not only kills his partner (Sean Bean) for reading Yeats (he should have read T.S. Eliot; that won’t inspire any emotions), but allowed his own wife to executed for breaking the law. After this, however, he stops taking his drug and begins to feel, eventually turning on his former masters. There’s only one problem with this: people are shown expressing emotions all the time. Taye Diggs never stops flashing that megawatt smile (sigh) and everyone is forever being either scared or angry. Correct me if I’m wrong, but happiness, anger and fear are emotions. A better story would have been the banning of passionate emotions and the materials that cause them. This would have also have been a nice satire on how popular culture is so often broken down to the most common denominator (“Let’s have a sitcom about young people in New York, but make all of them straight, White and not too attractive so as not to create anything interesting.”). This is a straight Matrix clone because of its look. There are very few colors and The Clerics all wear a type of black designer wear and practice something that can only be called “gun fu.” You move like a martial artist, except that you’re shooting the entire time. In any case, in the end Christian Bale also has a third act invasion of a heavily guarded building where he shoots everyone in sight and dispatches numerous enemies in seconds. It’s not a great movie, but had they advertised it a bit more, they could have made a nice piece of change off of suckers like me who are eagerly awaiting the next Matrix movie. Not to mention that the cast brings in their own fan base, very few of whom even knew this movie existed.
MERYL STREEP TALKING DIRTY---WHAT MORE COULD YOU WANT?
Also not breaking the top ten because it’s only in limited release to get Academy Award notice is Adaptation, the latest from director Spike Jonze and the writer of Being John Malkovich, Charlie Kaufman. It’s what we call “post modern” because it’s about Charlie Kaufman and his struggle to turn the non-fiction book “The Orchard Thief” into a screenplay. The movie actually opens with Nicholas Cage (finding artistic redemption after selling his soul for the last few years) as Charlie Kaufman on the set of Being John Malkovich. The only difference is that Adaptation gives Charlie a dim-witted twin brother (in real life, Kaufman has no twin brother). This twin also wants to be a screenwriter and is working on the world’s most generic script after taking Robert McKee’s screenwriting course (if you want to know where hacks come from, he’s the guy). But while Charlie is unhappy and miserable, his brother is happy, dating and meeting the movie stars that ignore Charlie. In between all of this we get the visual representation of the Orchard Thief screenplay that Charlie is trying to write. In that movie within this movie, Meryl Streep plays the true life author who wrote the book and Chris Cooper plays the eccentric thief. For ninety minutes you get nothing less than a funny, inventive, smart, amazingly acted film. Unfortunately, it goes on for another half hour after that, turning into a very, very bad Miami Vice episode. It’s as if after violating all the other rules of filmmaking and storytelling, they felt the only more subversive thing they could do would be to go utterly conventional. I kept praying and hoping that, at any minute the last half hour would be revealed to be a total fantasy sequence (there are many in the film), but alas, it is not. I openly worship at the altar of Meryl Streep. I worship her so much I even find her sexy, so this movie automatically gets points for depicting her in at least two minor sex scenes and having her reply “I believe it was you, sir,” to the question of “What came over you?” Nicholas Cage is so good in his depiction of twin brothers, that I forgot it was just a series of camera tricks that gives you two of him at one time. Chris Cooper, who has been giving great supporting performances for years (I loved Lone Star, one of his few leads) finally gets the career making performance to bring him to the top of the heap. In addition we have Brian Cox, Ron Livingston, Maggie Gyllenhaal and Tilda Swinton all along lending top-notch support. Damn that last half hour to hell!
HO’S-HO’S-HO’S; JUST IN TIME FOR THE HOLIDAYS
Okay, so I watched “Cathouse” on HBO about the Moonlight Bunnyranch, which is a legal brothel in Nevada the same way most people watch traffic accidents. It was horrifying, but I was transfixed by the idea of people paying for sex AND ALLOWING THEMSELVES TO BE FILMED! And do I have to mention that no one involved---not the clients, not the hookers---is ever going on the cover of any fitness magazine? It started off in the gutter with the mother taking her huge, old-looking, 22-year-old son to be deflowered by porn star Sunset Thomas (who got her niece, Sunrise, into the porn business as well---do you need me to tell you they’re from Texas?). What was super creepy was her sitting on this guy while talking to his mother, not to mention her telling him how she was going to make him come twice…IN FRONT OF HIS MOTHER! The only thing I can say is this may have delayed his entry into the world of serial killing, but not stopped it by any means (the other virgin later in the episode probably started his killing the very next day). There were two husband and wife teams; one couple separately with different girls, and one couple who shared a girl. In both cases, the husbands weren’t thrilled about being filmed and in both cases the wives let them know the decision had already been made and they were staying with or without them. Also there was a pimp, who was sleaze personified, who managed to strip away the veneer of civility The Bunnyranch strove to put on, and reminded us what it was all really about. After that, we get Sunset Thomas again, who talks about how she loves sex and takes on two brothers---who were porn fans but too cheap to pay the $1500 for the sex and only paid $500 to watch her masturbate. Sunset’s boyfriend happens to be the guy who owns and runs the place. He is a major sleazebag, going on about how it wants the place to be a big spring break party, seemingly oblivious to the fact that no one wants to be a whore! If McDonald’s paid more, there would be no hookers. Personally, I could give a shit. We’re all whores in one way or another. I work in corporate America for money and no other reason. I hate it, but I do it for money. That makes me a whore. I’m just not a sex whore. Needless to say, I had to go online and find out if they had a website. They do: www.bunnyranch.net. Is this not the greatest country in the world or what?
CRACK IS WHACK? GEE, THANKS, WHITNEY. I DIDN’T KNOW THAT.
I didn’t really want to watch that Whitney Houston madness on Diane Sawyer, but one of my friends let me know in advance that she would be watching it and calling me during every commercial break. She was true to her word, but I could only watch about five minutes of it. It was too sad. When did smoking blunts become a treatment for bipolar disorder? And how can you be an admitted drug user but still be in denial about it all? Pray partner!?! No drug treatment, but a prayer partner? Who, by the way, is Pebbles. Yes, that Pebbles, who sang “Mercedes Boy” back in the 80’s and later ripped off TLC. Yeah, she’s someone I’m going to trust with my mental well-being. And that poor child. She got her father’s looks, which means she’s ugly. Hopefully, puberty will even it all out. I can only hope that mommy and daddy don’t snort up all her inheritance so she can pay for the therapy she’ll so desperately need one day. Thankfully, all of Mariah’s appearances took place during the day, so there was no one to force me to pay attention to it. She’s actually worse off than Whitney, because there’s nothing wrong with Whitney that Betty Ford and a divorce won’t cure, but Mariah is always one disappointment away from going off the deep end. The best thing for her would be to leave show business entirely.
ALL TOGETHER NOW: AWWWWWWW!
I hate to admit it, but it was, in fact,
the cutest thing I’ve ever seen in my life. A miniature Akita puppy on
the street in the East Village. I’ll have to remember that the next time
I do something that could be deemed “unforgivable.”12/02/02
“Do you really think it is weakness that yields to temptations? I tell
you that there are terrible temptations which it requires strength, strength
and courage, to yield to.” --- Oscar Wilde
HARRY POTTER AND THE ANNOYING YOUNG RELATIVES
Harry Potter & The Chamber of Secrets returns to number one in an obvious
holiday occurrence known as “get these goddamn kids out of here so I can
eat this leftover turkey” Look for it to happen again in about three weeks
when it becomes “get these goddamn kids out of here so I can eat this
leftover turkey watch the Bowl games.”
BUT HONEY, YOU’RE FUNNIER THAN HE EVER WAS
Die Another Day is down to number two and also starring in this film is
Rick Yune, who is your worst nightmare as your girlfriend’s ex. He was
on the Olympic Team for taekwondo, he worked on Wall Street and then he
became a model and now an actor (he was also the Asian gang leader in
The Fast & The Furious). So, he’s better looking than you are, more famous
than you are, makes more money than you do and can kick your ass. All
you can hope for is that his penis is very small. What’s really sad is
that he’s dating Lisa Ling of The View, who looks like a freaking horse.
REDUX
The Santa Clause 2 rises to number three. See the first paragraph to explain
this.
I WAS MORE A JULES VERNE READER, IF YOU MUST KNOW
Treasure Planet opens at number four and from the first trailer I was
dying to see this. A story needlessly set in space just appeals to the
8-year-old in me. It’s obviously adapted from Robert Louis Stevenson’s
classic book---which I never read due precisely to its lack of science
fiction---and I enjoyed the hell out of it. Okay, so I dozed off a bit
during the montage set to Johnny Rzeznik “Here I Am” (how this differs
from The Goo Goo Dolls’ “Here Is Gone” I’ll never know), but that’s totally
understandable. One day they’ll learn not to put even one freaking song
in a Disney movie that’s not a freaking musical. There are movie in-jokes,
but my personal favorite had to be making the most out the name of the
main character, who is Jim Hawkins. At one point another character says
to him, “Darn it, Jim. I’m an astro-physicist, not a doctor.” In the end,
kids, Star Trek still rules them all (and there’s only one Star Treks;
everything else is “Star Trek Semi-Colon”).
WHEN IT RAINS, IT POURS…CRAP
Adam Sandler’s Eight Crazy Nights opens at number five and will this man
ever go away? First there was Mr. Deed (which sucked), then there was
Punch Drunk Love (which sucked in an artsy fartsy kind of way) and now
there’s Eight Crazy Nights (and I’ve no doubt it sucks). Jon Stewart (a.k.a.,
Jon Solomon) had a routine where he ripped into Christmas movies as all
being the same (“Oh, no! Christmas is in trouble.”). Well, now you’ve
got your Chanukah movie and maybe now you’ll just shut the fuck up and
enjoy a Charlie Brown Christmas. Besides, I have this pet theory that,
despite their name, Lucy and Linus (and their baby brother, Rerun) were
Jewish and trying to downplay it in 1950’s America. That’s why Linus knew
so much about the Bible and why Lucy was so obsessed with the Blonde Gentile,
Schroeder. Assimilation, baby.
SHE MAY EVEN BE A MAN
Friday After Next is down to number six followed by Solaris, which opens
at number seven. I remember reading about the original Solaris as a kid
and it seemed like the most boring science fiction movie ever. I mean,
it was made in the Soviet Union in the 70’s. How interesting could it
be? Oh, you didn’t know it was a science fiction movie by the trailer?
Don’t think that’s an accident. They’re trying to trick ordinary people
into seeing it first for George Clooney. Let’s see if the ad campaign
changes next week. And when are we going to stop pretending Natasha McElhone
is good looking? She’s not. She’s got those huge out-of-proportion facial
features (not the least of which is that honker of a nose) which ain’t
pretty.
REMEMBER WHEN EVER COP MOVIE HAD A STRIP CLUB SCENE?
8 Mile is down to number…well, um, eight. Can you believe this fucking
thing has grossed over $100M? Actually, it’s a very good thing for movies
that don’t compromise to make them more accessible for kids (and their
money). If any movie would have done it, you’d think it would be this,
but they stuck to their guns. I’m sick of movies being castrated to try
and achieve a broader, PG13 audience (like Half Past Dead, no longer in
this top ten). I like “R” rated movies with foul language and sex and
violence and I’d like more of them around.
AND CLOWNS. I HATE CLOWNS.
Opening at number nine is Wes Craven Presents: They. So, what does “Wes
Craven Presents” mean? It means “We Gave Wes Craven So Money So We Could
Slap His Name On This.” It’s a horror movie, so you know I’ll never see
it. Especially a horror movie about childhood terrors coming to kill you
when you’re an adult. I don’t need to think about shit like that. One
benefit of having a futon (other than firm back support) is that there’s
no space for monsters under the bed. Of course, this is all undone by
the presence of two closets---and I cannot sleep if either is open. Stop
laughing!
TABLE NAPKIN RINGS: THE MOST EVIL RING OF ALL
The Ring is down to number ten actually making $120M. The Japanese original
has two sequels, so you know what’s coming next year, right? The Ring
2: Around The Collar. Then, in 2004, The Ring 3: Around The Bowl. Finally,
in 2005, The Ring 4: Without It We’re Not Engaged, You Jerk.
“WHEN CAPTAIN AMERICA THROWS HIS MIGHTY SHIELD…”
Okay, you may have read something about a “Black Captain America” so let
me clarify things for you. Marvel Comics recently created line of comics
called its “Ultimate” line. In it, they take old characters and revamp
them for the modern era. For example: in the Ultimate line Peter Parker
is still 16 and works on the Daily Bugle’s website. This is in no way
connected to the regular line, where Peter Parker is in his 20’s and married
to Mary Jane. In any case, when it came time to do an Ultimate Avengers,
they had the idea of making Captain America a Black man. They quickly
chickened out and compromised by making the Ultimate Nick Fury look just
like Samuel L. Jackson. The liberal guilt must have eaten at them, because
when the idea of a mini-series about the Super Soldier Serum that created
Captain America being the result of experimentation on Black men (based
on the real life Tuskegee experiment when Black men were infected with
syphilis to test its effects on people) came to them, they not only approved
it, but decided it would be part of the regular line, thus rewriting Marvel
Comics history. The mini-series is called “The Truth.” The Truth? Now,
I haven’t used this offensive phrase since the 70’s, but the situation begs it:
Nigga, please! Now this is, quite simply, a stupid, stupid idea.
You don’t risk making someone you despise greater that yourself. Yeah,
you test VD on them, but you don’t risk making the guy you treat like
shit better than yourself. Racism simply doesn’t work that way. By this
stupid logic, all the first astronauts would have been Black because they
didn’t want to risk White guys. Also, the series sucks. It’s only been
one issue, but it’s glacially paced. Besides, I haven’t missed an issue
of Captain America since I was 16 (I even used my roommate’s birthday
gift certificate to buy a $30 hardbound issue of Captain America stories)
and I hate this fucking idea. But I will buy every issue…and rip it to
fucking shreds. On the bright side, that horrible show Birds of Prey was
canceled.
AND SHE’S A NATURAL BRUNETTE
I hate Playboy. I’ve made this clear. I ended a 15 year subscription recently
(not counting the high school years when my parents got it for me, screwing
me up for life) because I was sick of bottle blondes with fake breasts.
But again, those bastards made me buy it. Tia Carrere (a.k.a. Althea Janairo)
is in the new Playboy. You know how long I’ve waited for this!?! Nice
photos too. She even let her pubic hair grow back for it (she also lost
a little weight, but who wouldn’t). And her breasts are real! Once I thought
they weren’t---until I watched her shake and jiggle all over Relic Hunter.
She gives the usual excuse for doing it so late: “…since my divorce, I’m
much more comfortable with my body.” Please. Honey, you’ve been running
around half-naked for most of your career. You’re only naked now because
you haven’t been in a money-making movie since Michael Meyers was Wayne
(being a voice in Lilo & Stitch doesn’t count). There’s also a Halle Berry
interview, but I can’t see her, so I could care less about her thoughts.
ONE MORE TIME: A BIDET IS FOR WASHING YOUR ASS
New episodes of Cribs! How happy am I? Let’s get started…Ted Nugent seems
to be one of the few long term rockers who still has some money if his
place is any indication. But it’s still as creepy as he is, with all those
fucking stuffed animals…Why does a skank like Trina even get to be on
this show. She’s got nothing…Who the fuck is “Baby” and how did he make
so much money? Well, you still can’t buy class---or intelligence if his
flatscreen TV on the bedroom ceiling is any clue. This a Darwin Award
in the making. When that sucker falls and kills him, it’s evolution in
action. And don’t the realtors explain just what a fucking bidet is, so
these people can quit embarrassing themselves over “the second toilet”?…Fat
Joe in suburban New Jersey doing his very best to embarrass himself and
all who know him with shout-outs to The Sopranos and a “god bless” to
John Gotti (more accurately the John Gotti movie starring Armand Assante).
Just be grateful there was no bidet to confuse his fat ass...Jerry Cantrell
understands that it’s all about land and not flaunting his lack of taste
by buying shit for the sake of buying shit. Also, it’s a ranch so it will
make money on its own. Even more fascinating was the fact that his family
had been on at least part of that land for over a hundred years…How fucking
old is Stephen Jenkins to be dating Vanessa Carlton? She’s what? 22? He’s
my age! Then, of course he shoots down all criticism by having two pretty
little Black goddaughters that he obviously adores. He too is not living
above his means, so he won’t be broke in two years.
STUPID JUSTICE
So, that dumb hoochie who flashed her breasts lost her court case against
Girls Gone Wild. Good! The basis of her suit was that she didn’t know
it would be sold. Oh. So you just showed your tits to some loser with
a camera thinking he’d only jerk off to it at home!?! And being 17 is
no excuse. How old you have to be before your brain stem kicks in?
“ NEW YORK, NEW YORK/IT’S A WONDERFUL TOWN/THE BRONX IS UP…”
Finally, thanks to some guilt thrown by my dad on his birthday (three
days before my own) I went to The Bronx to see my aunt for Thanksgiving.
The bus ride was painless enough, but you’d think with the streets all
but deserted it might have arrived on time and spared me waiting outside
in thirty degree weather. I should have gotten used to it. More was to
come. My aunt lives in Co-Op City, and the express bus goes directly there.
That was the easy part. The hard part came when she told me to get off
at the first stop. This was wrong. She was thinking of a different bus.
I then spent the next half-an-hour (even colder now because the sun has
gone down) looking for a cab. In The Bronx. On Thanksgiving. Finally,
I called them again and spent another twenty minutes standing in the cold
waiting for my uncle to drive a few blocks to pick me up. All the while
I repeated my mantra, “This why I don’t leave the city. This is why
I don’t leave the city. This is why…” Dinner was good. My aunt may
be a resident of The Bronx for almost forty years, but she’s an Alabama
girl at heart and still cooks like it. We have collard greens for Thanksgiving
people. Made with pork, goddamnit! My other aunt also joined us with more
food (she lives in Yonkers) , as did two of my Bronx Aunt’s three kids
(the third lives in Georgia, fulfilling my parents’ need for grandchildren
with his kids---I owe him so much). I even met another cousin I didn’t
know I had who just moved here from Rhode Island (daughter of one of my
grandmother’s nephews…I think). She’s still on that “I love New York and
I’m gonna do everything” tip. I tried to explain it would pass, but she
ignored me and rushed home because she had to get up to go to the Today
show. Outside of the food, my other highlight was my younger cousin’s
incredibly hot Spanish friend. Wearing form-hugging dress and boots with
stiletto heels she was almost worth the trip. Almost. Finally, because
my roommate had to suffer through the indignity of a vegetarian Thanksgiving
(this caused much laughter in The Bronx), I brought back leftovers---of
which I ate half.