2/24/03
“Next to genius, nothing is more clear sighted than hatred.” --- Claude Bernard
A PRAYER FOR MATT MURDOCK…AND THE POOR AUDIENCE
Still at number one is Daredevil and if you need a clue as to how poorly written this film is, the first scene with Matt Murdock (a.k.a. Daredevil) shows him in court at a rape trial, which he loses. There’s only one problem: Matt Murdock isn’t a prosecutor. Private lawyers don’t prosecute cases, as anyone who’s ever seen even the dumbest cop movie or TV show can tell you. But you see, the crap writer/director of this needed Daredevil to get pissed off at someone beyond the reach of the law to justify the incomprehensible fight scene that follows and wasn’t bright enough to realize how stupid this was. How can anyone grow up in this country and not know this simple fact? This is how hacks write. A real writer would have done research, whereas hacks just make it up as they go along. Hell, this loser’s last movie was Simon Birch, which was based on John Irving’s novel, “A Prayer for Own Meany.” He disliked what this fuckwit did to it so much he demanded they change the name and not use his. If I owned Daredevil, I would have done something similar and this movie would probably have some stupid name like “Blind Justice” or something. And don’t let a second weekend at number one fool you. This movie cost $80M to make and they spent at least another $10-20M advertising it. It still hasn’t broken even.
I HATE HIS PARENTS TOO
Old School opens at number two and I simply cannot bring myself to see movies this stupid any more, even though Will Ferrell does make me laugh. The problem is, the funniest segments in the trailers of stupid movies are usually the funniest bits of the entire film. Not to mention, I’m so annoyed by Owen Wilson, that even the sight of his brother Luke gets on my nerves. He generates within me a resentment of his entire family. Not even the presence of Leah Remini as Vince Vaughn’s wife could get me in there…unless I find out that she’s completely naked.
HAIR REPLACEMENT PRODUCTS AREN’T FREE
How To Lose A Guy in 10 Days is down to number three and it seems bad romantic comedies is how Matthew McConaughey is going to pay the rent now, since the last thing he had resembling a hit was The Wedding Planner.
ETC
The Jungle Book 2 holds at number four, while Chicago drops to number five, despite a video on VH1of the film’s opening number.
A FATE WORST THAN DEATH: KEVIN SPACEY NAKED
The Life of David Gale opens at number six and in case you haven’t noticed, it’s about how the death penalty is bad, bad, bad. I was tempted to see this, but only because I found out Laura Linney is completely naked in this film. Actually, I read that she “takes enormous risks” which for an actress means she’s completely naked, usually in a graphic sex scene (for men it means playing queer). Then I realized the sex scene was with Kevin Spacey (now, for him this is acting) and I’d have to sit through two hours of pretentious, moralizing to get to it.
“THE NIGHT THEY BROUGHT
OLD DIXIE DOWN…”
Shanghai Knights is
down to number seven, followed by Gods & Generals, which opens at number eight.
It’s the prequel to Gettysburg, if you can say that about a movie that based
on true events and I simply do not understand the fascination with the Civil
War that so many people seem to have. Granted, as Black man from the south,
I’ve got some natural block against any sort of appreciation for this type of
thing, but it’s not like you see people dressing up and reenacting battles from
all of mankind’s other, much better dressed, much more noble wars. That strongly
suggests that Civil War buffs are all LOSERS!!!
NOT APPROVED BY THE
LA BOARD OF TOURISM
Dark Blue opens at number
nine and this is a story about corrupt LA cops set in the days before the LA
riots where the story climaxes. Oh, yeah. Try and stop me from seeing this.
Hell, Gods & Generals is in fewer theaters but made more money. Unfortunately,
one of most accurate truisms about movies was said to me by a Civil War buff:
“If it’s a good movie, what’s Kurt Russell doing in it?” Words to live
and save valuable money (not to mention time) by. It doesn’t help that the trailers
are even less subtle than the trailers for The Life of David Gale at depicting
people who are good, good, good and those who are bad, bad, bad.
THE END
Finally, The Recruit
closes out the top ten at number ten.
NUNS IN HEAT
It’s very, very difficult
for me to watch movies at home. If I have any measure of control, I will fast
forward through bad dialogue and lousy acting, not to mention clichéd story
developments and forgone conclusions. Plus, I’ve simply got too many distractions
in my apartment. Comic books, computer, guitar, bass, cable, Playstation 2 and
pornography. It’s simply very difficult for me to sit still at home. This is
why it took me three days to finally see Black Narcissus, a classic film about
nuns on a mountaintop in India who start to go crazy as they realize religion
simply doesn’t fill all the gaps in their lives. In other words, all the fresh
air makes them so horny they go nuts. It’s famous being beautifully shot, though
entirely on a soundstage. It was recommended to me by The French Woman, who
is also my MacGoddess and gave me my first Macintosh computer, thus making me
even more superior to you fuckers than I was before. She also recommended Monsoon
Wedding, but it’s been sitting on my DVD player for two weeks, so my chances
of seeing it are unlikely. On the other hand, watching The Snow Queen with Bridget
Fonda was easy, because I knew it was crap and was therefore free to fast forward
through it whenever she wasn’t onscreen. She plays the title character, which
doesn’t bode well for her career. Playing the villain in a family film on the
Hallmark channel doesn’t say “A-list.” Am I the only one who remembers the Japanese
anime version of The Snow Queen? They were the same people who did Speed Racer,
because not only were the styles the same, but also they used the same English
voices. This looks like a job for the internet!
AND IT DOESN’T HELP
THAT HE’S BUTT UGLY
So I watched the Jay-Z
concert on Showtime and I have to ask: is half an hour out of every hour-long
rap concert spent listening to the music of other rap artists? Because I swear
that’s what happened with Jay-Z. I’ll never know because I’m simply too old
to go to rap concerts. Not to mention scared (young people frighten me). And
quite frankly I find rap concerts boring. Even one song wears out quickly because
it’s usually just some guy walking back and forth talking (though sometimes
it will be with two hundred of his useless friends onstage with him). Jay-Z
was no exception to this rule and it didn’t help that he had the audience sing
out every other lyric. The stage set was also very dull, totally devoid of color.
You’d think Jay-Z would wear a color to stand out against it, but no, he was
in all black. And there was no guest appearance by Beyonce either.
WHY ADAM WILL NEED THERAPY
BEFORE HIS 16TH BIRTHDAY
After the thirty-second
Tyson fight there was a new reality show on Showtime called Family Business,
which is about Adam Glasser a.k.a., Seymore Butts. Yeah, now you know who I’m
talking about. Don’t pretend you don’t. Imagine if Jon Stewart did porn and
you’d have this guy. He’s a nice Jewish Boy, not bad looking, who specializes
in anal and female ejaculation porn. The show supposedly chronicles his life
in the porn business with his mom and his cousin. What’s really creepy about
it, is that he allows his six-year-old son, Adam, on camera. Why would you do
anything that would expose your child even more to your life in the porn industry?
Isn’t it bad enough that his mom’s a porn star too (a fact mysteriously left
out)? That one day he’ll be cable surfing and see dad butt-fucking mom? And
if he doesn’t, I guarantee you his friends are gonna be watching daddy’s porn
(“Dude, your mom sucks dick really well. Is she coming to your bar mitzvah?”).
Between this and Michael Jackson, I’m wondering if Children’s Services even
exists in LA. I mean, he takes his son to school forgetting it’s Labor Day.
Then we get to watch him internet date because he’s trying to find love outside
the porn business. If he really wants to date, he might want to get rid of the
drippy-do jehri curl thing he’s got going on. I knew Jewish guys could have
fros, but I didn’t know that the “wet look” was a desired option amongst god’s
chosen people. When he leaves to go to his lunch date, his cousin has to do
a male casting call---where the guy has to get it up. It’s sad and hysterical
to watch this guy trying to get hard. Finally, when he gets half a woody, the
camera runs out of film. We follow Adam/Seymore on a second date that night
which gets interrupted by an editing emergency. Surprisingly, the girl is a
good enough sport to go with him while he takes care of it. If dates are what
he wants, he’s going to get them with the modest fame certain to be generated
by this show. It’s sad, but in the real world, being a straight man with a job
with a job who’s not a complete asshole is pretty much all you need to that
average urban woman. Porn be damned. Sadly, I happen to know the man was once
a severe pothead. He seems a bit too coherent to still be that way, but you
never know. Also, his porn ex-girlfriends don’t have too many kind words to
say about him. They are, Shane (yeah, you know her name too---now she’s married
to a member of), Taylor Hayes (the alcoholic, porn star mother of his son) and
Alisha Klass (best known for her Howard Stern appearances and female ejaculation).
If it makes you feel any better, I know twice as much about comic books. Actually,
that’s sad too. To cover their asses over at Showtime, they ran kinda of a disclaimer
at the end of the show promising a more critical look at porn in the near future.
IT’S GETTING DULL IN
HERRE…
The Grammys…someone
tell Dustin Hoffman a squirrel got into a bottle of mousse and then climbed
onto his head…lifetime achievement for Simon & Garfunkel? I don’t mean to be
cruel, but what the fuck has Art Garfunkel done without Paul Simon? And his
voice is gone too…I love Gwen Stephanie. She’s proof sex appeal is all in how
you carry yourself, as she struts her fine, flat-chested self across the stage
in those great boots…how can Nora Jones accept an award without mentioning her
dad is Ravi Shankar?…say what you want about Britney, but she and her ilk were
a helluva lot easier on the eyes than Vanessa Carlton. I swear she looks like
she missed being retarded by a chromosome and still looks like the type of girl
who cuts herself. And that baby voice she does when singing is just annoying…John
Mayer, thanks for dressing. And how do you think James Taylor feels about being
introduced by the guy who’s truly his replacement in the world of Lite FM?…I
am so sick of Nelly. He was supposed to be a one-hit wonder. Why is he still
here? And Kelly Roland has some skinny-ass legs…these Saturn commercials have
so far shown people driving out of childhood, out of adolescence (with an effective
use of the 80’s classic “Forever Young” I must admit) and now into marriage.
Are we going to see them driving into middle-age and then death as well?…I think
the collective ages of Avril Lavigne’s band would still be younger than I am…
Ashanti has no business singing anything outside of hooks on rap tunes…this
Bee Gees thing is going to make me cry and I’m not talking about fucking N’Sync…Eminem
and The Roots? Damn, I’m actually impressed. He’s already been warned by the
Academy about cursing on the Oscars. Apparently, the Grammy people knew better
than to even try. And he threw in a little tribute to Run DMC as the band started
playing the music to “Rockbox”…Aretha, Aretha, Aretha, girl you are not supposed
to be that big. But only a real diva would start singing her own song while
presenting. And who the hell is going to tell the Queen of Soul she can’t?…the
funniest thing about that Payless commercial with Star Jones is that she probably
can’t see her feet…Sheryl Crow just looks bad glammed up. She’s much more appealing
in, dare I say it, skanky clothing. At least she didn’t sing that damn depressing
country song with Kid Rock…Does Alicia Keys own a full-length shirt? And will
she ever come out?…So it was a big Norah Jones night. Ooo, big surprise. Lite
FM dominates the Grammys. I’m shocked, shocked. Oh, well. I prefer someone new
and boring over someone old and boring. But I did download her cover of Roxy
Music’s “More Than This”…How long has the Grammys had roll call of death? Or
maybe I’ve never watched it long enough to see it…Okay, I’ve been waiting on
this Clash tribute all night. And “London Calling” is one of my favorite Clash
tunes (but my favorite is “Lost in the Supermarket”). And I love that all four
guys are playing the same freaking guitar chords and each guy gets a verse.
For the first time tonight, the Grammys are actually rocking. Only one song!?!
Hell, fucking Nelly got more time! At least a little “Rock The Casbah.” No?
Some “Radio Clash.” No? Fuckers.
YEAH, EVEN CLAPTON SUCKED
ONCE---WHEN HE WAS 7
So my guitar teacher has this semi-regular thing where he gets his students together and rents some studio space and we play together for a few hours. I joined them for the first time this weekend and learned two very valuable things: 1) I still suck on guitar, but not as badly as others; 2) I suck even more on bass and drums and singing. All this wonderful experience only cost me another $100.
2/17/03
“Her fault of mine? The tempter or the tempted, who sins most?” --- William Shakespeare
THE MAN WITHOUT FEAR…OR DIRECTION…OR A SCRIPT…OR
Opening at number one is Daredevil, an adaptation of the Marvel comic and to no one’s surprise it sucks! Jeez, I don’t know where to start. First of all, it’s horribly miscast. Daredevil is not some 6’3” fratboy type, so what the hell Ben Affleck is doing there I’ll never know. Like Spiderman, he’s meant to be smaller and less obviously heroic. After all, he’s fucking blind! And Elektra is Greek, something Jennifer Garner couldn’t pretend to be if you smothered her in grape leaves and olive oil (not to mention she looks like a fucking man). Then we get into the costume. No one looks like a hero in something that best resembles a fucking Member’s Only jacket and the mask looks like a bad motorcycle helmet. The direct, Mark Steven Johnson, also wrote the screenplay and he sucks equally in both areas. The fight scenes are dark and overcut to obviously try and hid the fact that Ben Affleck can’t fight and can’t even fake it. In fact the whole thing is shot too close up, like a TV movie trying to hide its cheap budget (it cost $80M). And you can always tell when someone not from New York shoots in New York. They have no idea how to use the city. Outside from shots of the Empire State Building, there’s nothing even remotely New York-looking about this film. I live in Hell’s Kitchen and saw nothing of my neighborhood here. In fact, I saw more of it in The Guru with Heather Graham. Supposedly Johnson is also a fan of the books, but he ruins all the stories and characters he uses. Just as Frank Miller revitalized Batman in the 80’s, he also did it with Daredevil and his most famous storyline was the one involving Elektra, who he created. These are the stories Johnson uses and totally screws up. You’ll be better off buying one of the Daredevil trade paperbacks and reading the original stories (Entertainment Weekly listed a few of them a few weeks ago) than seeing this shit. Only Colin Farrell comes off well in this, as he chews up the scenery as the crazy assassin, Bulleye.
WHEN I MAKE MY PORN EVERYBODY’S GONNA BE WEARING BOOTS
How To Lose A Guy In 10 Days is down to number two and not even the presence of Bebe Neuwirth, whom I adore, could get me into this and god forbid she play Matthew McConaughey’s love interest at ten years his senior than Kate Hudson, who is ten years his junior. Bebe turned up on The Daily Show last week in a pair of knee high black leather boots and a blue mini-skirt and I…um, what was I talking about again?
CALL ME CASSANDRA
At number three is Chicago and what did I tell you, folks? All the major nominations (except for Best Actor, which is fine because there was no male lead here) and it’s going to take them all.
AND I’M SURE THAT DAMN SINGING GOT ON HIS NERVES AS WELL
The Jungle Book 2 is down to number four and Disney simply has no shame in continuing to release these direct-to-video movies as theatrical releases. I’m still waiting on the Snow White sequel where the prince throws her ass out of the castle once he realizes she was fucking all seven of the dwarves (which actually only amounts to three-and-a-half men).
HEY, BABY. DID YOU KNOW LUKE WILSON’S MY BROTHER?
Shanghai Knights is down to number five and this movie wins extra stupid prizes with all its jokes set in the time period. There are jokes about automobiles being risk inventions, a child thief in London by the name of Charlie Chaplin, and a police detective named Arthur Doyle who wants to write stories about an analytical detective (Sir Arthur Conan Doyle created Sherlock Holmes). The only joke that comes close to working is Jack the Ripper showing up and getting his ass kicked by Jackie Chan’s sister. Speaking of whom, in the closing credits they show missed takes and in one of them we see footage of Owen Wilson hitting on the actress who portrays her (she seems less than impressed). Very sleazy. Probably the funniest bit of the film.
FOR HIS SAKE I HOPE HE AT LEAST GOT SOME
The Recruit is down to number six, giving Colin Farrell two films in the top ten, but he really hasn’t made it yet. Let’s face it, between two movies filled with stars (one of whom is a legend) he’s still best known for a supposed one-night-stand with Britney Spears.
ETC
Final Destination 2 is down to number seven, followed by Kangaroo Jack at number eight and Deliver Us From Eva at number nine.
AND HE’S TOO FLABBY TO BE GAY
Bouncing back up into the top ten thanks to a wider distribution and the Oscar nominations is The Hours and doing perhaps the worst portrayal of a gay man ever is Jeff Daniels. He would have come off better if he’d, for a lack of better words, “played it straight.” All the little mincing he does is just so stereotypically sad. Then again, Ed Harris isn’t much better and he got an Oscar nomination.
AND THE NOMINEES ARE…
Okay, the Oscar nominations are in and let’s look at the good, the bad and the ugly…Chicago became one of the most nominated films in history and don’t worry, I’m very used to being right all the time. And even though there’s a threat from Martin Scorcese getting a consolation prize win for Gangs of New York (much in the same way Paul Newman won for Color of Money and Al Pacino won for Scent of a Woman), and Julianne Moore also getting a long overdue award in either of her two nominations, I’m counting on the old guard in Hollywood not to see either film and stick with what they know best: an old-fashioned musical…Lord of the Rings: The Two Towers? Are you joking? It’s not even a real movie, just a pause between movies. And how can you nominate movies but not their director or and directors but not their movies?…Somewhere, Leonardo DiCaprio, the world’s toughest elf, is saying, “But I was the star of that movie.”…Patton didn’t organize his campaign in Europe the way Salma Hayek did hers to get nominated for Best Actress, because there’s no way in hell she’s a better actress than Meryl Streep, who should have been the other double nominee. But I’m so glad Diane Lane was remembered for Unfaithful, which was released almost a year ago…my man-crush Adrian Brody was nominated, finally fulfilling his buzz which started five years ago with The Thin Red Line, so there’s hope for Colin Farrell yet…Chris Cooper will hopefully be the only Chicago upset and Ed Harris doesn’t even fucking belong here. This was Dennis Quaid’s spot, or Ray Liotta for Narc…Queen Latifah? Give me a fucking break. Michele Pfeiffer was a female Hannibal Lechter in White Oleander and so deserved to be here more. Besides, no one named “Queen Latifah” is getting an Oscar. That’s fine when you’re sitting between Jay-Z and 50 Cents at the Source Awards, but not when you’re being introduced to Paul Newman… Kathy Bates doesn’t need to be here either. Hell, the entire cast of White Oleander should be here…the Best Animated Feature just needs to be eliminated. When you’re forced to nominated crap like Spirit: Stallion of the Cimarron and Treasure Planet, you’re just out of options…Eminem is going to be on the Oscars!?! Oh, man, that’s gonna be good. He’s going to lose to U2, but it’s still gonna be good…that My Big Fat Greek Wedding is anywhere on these ballots is a testimony to the death of filmmaking, not to mention writing…special effects only has three nominees and make-up only has two? Why even bother? And why couldn’t they show this same restraint in the Best Animated Category?
IN NEW YORK, SHE MIGHT HAVE GOTTEN A MEDAL
Okay, so this woman who got convicted for running her husband over? If it had been any other state but Texas, she’d be a free woman now. Okay, maybe the running over him three times has something to do with it, but it’s not like he didn’t have it coming. He cheated on his wife, got caught, when they discussed it he made a list of what was good and bad about his wife, including that she was fat and overbearing, while his girlfriend was smart and pretty, IN FRONT OF HER! HE MADE THIS LIST IN FRONT OF HER. Oh, but it doesn’t end there. After that she got liposuction, a boob job and fucked him three times a day. What did he do? Continued seeing his mistress and this is where she caught him: in the parking lot of the motel where she ran him over three times. Okay, so maybe the fact their teenage daughter was in the car when she hit him also had something to do with her being convicted, but I still think he deserved to die for his incredible stupidity.
MAYBE SOME BAGGY PANTS AND A DOO-RAG WOULD HELP
I can’t tell you how much I hate that Best Buy Spiderman commercial with the fat Black guy who just keeps saying “Spiderman” over and over and over again. I’m sorry, there’s just something of a “stepandfetchit” about it all. I half expected him to have a piece of watermelon and a bucket of chicken next to him. I can just see the director, “Can you just be a bit more embarrassing to Black people everywhere? A bit more cackling should do it.”
DID I MENTIONMARIE CURIE APPEARS AS A MISSHAPEN FREAK?
Against my better judgment, I’ve come to love Clone High on MTV, mainly because of their total lack of respect for great historical figures. The basic plot is this, a mad scientist has cloned the great leaders throughout history and they’re all currently in high school together. The five main characters are Abraham Lincoln, Joan of Arc, Gandhi, JFK and Cleopatra. Already causing problems is Gandhi, who’s depicted as an attention deficit geek wannabe party animal. People in India are less than thrilled, so MTV had to promise it would not be seen outside of the United States. JFK is shown as a shallow, opportunistic womanizer, while Abraham Lincoln is a loser geek who desperately wants JFK’s shallow, manipulative girlfriend, Cleopatra. Joan of Arc is Abe’s best friend who’s not-so-secretly in love with him. My absolute favorite moment came when Joan of Arc met Jesus. Or should I say, the clone of Jesus. Bear in mind his name is pronounced “hey-soose” and he has a Puerto Rican accent. All of the clones are aware of their history (Abe constantly looks a $5 bill for inspiration), so when she thinks she’s finally hearing the voice of God, Joan is ecstatic. This is when she speaks to Jesus and he tells her that God has a plan for all of us. He then adds very in a very bitter voice, “… a very painful plan.”
LOOKING FOR THOSE THREE MAGIC WORDS: BUY IT NOW
Like a true geek, I spent my bad weather weekend upgrading my powerbook. Got a new 20 gig hard drive, Apple’s OS X and 256 megs of RAM off ebay all for less than $100. Not to mention selling my old hard drive off for $30. Unfortunately, when you upgrade one part, you have to upgrade other parts. OS X doesn’t support my printer (not to mention half a dozen other programs), so I have to get a new one or keep switching back to OS 9. Back to ebay! Daddy needs a new printer. No, I don’t have an addiction. I can quit anytime I want. Soon as I finish my collection of Justice League of America action figures. I just need Green Lantern, Red Tornado and The Atom and I’m done. I swear. Okay, maybe Hawkman and Superman Red and Superman Blue, but that’s just gravy. And maybe some bootleg DVD’s out of Hong Kong. And there’s that Japanese import of Daryl Hall’s solo album that I want. Plus, some old VHS porn in closet I have to sell…
THE SON OF BITCH WHO MADE ME CRY
Okay, so is this video of Johnny Cash singing “Hurt” making everyone cry or is it just me? It’s like he’s saying, “I know I’m dying and this is goodbye.” And they have the nerve to play this on VH1 in the morning. I just wanted to crawl back into bed and weep.
2/10/03
“I have no use for humility. I am a fellow with an exceptional talent.” --- Jackie Gleason
OOPS, I MADE YOUR MOVIE OPEN AT NUMBER ONE…
Opening at number one because the leading man banged Britney Spears a week ago (don’t think it was just a coincidence---expect Christina Aguilera to get nailed for Daredevil) is The Recruit, the latest Al Pacino Mentors A Young Actor movie. Previous entries into this are The Devil’s Advocate, Scent Of A Woman, City Hall and Donnie Brasco. Colin Farrell is the “It” boy of the moment and seemingly has been for the last two years, still looking for that breakthrough role. Well, this ain’t it. There’s nothing wrong with his performance, it’s the script that fails him. You expect a movie about the CIA to be about duplicity, in fact you pretty much demand it, but in there’s simply not enough of it here . It starts out promisingly enough, thanks to a realistic edge provided by a “please don’t hate us” CIA which gave this film an unprecedented access to its facilities, but once they leave the training it becomes sadly linear and remarkably predictable. In fact, I spent most of the film more entranced with how they hid the height difference between Colin Farell, whom I saw stand eye-to-eye with Jon Stewart, and Bridget Moynahan, who was a professional model for ten years. Farrell brings sufficient energy to his role, while Al Pacino continues on the scenery-chewing jag he’s been on since he won his Oscar for excessive scenery chewing in Scent of A Woman. Bridget Moynahan is…pretty (and apparently has a pierced left nipple, according to the cover of Time Out New York). And pretty goddamn skinny. No one that thin could ever be a CIA field agent.
OR A FREAK DVD EJECTION DECAPTITATES ME…
Opening at number two because no one in the cast slept with a pop star is Final Destination 2, where another group of people cheat death and we then spend the next ninety minutes watching them die horribly when death comes to collect. What kind of sick bastards are interested in this? It’s all about watching people die in the most creative “domino-like” way possible. Fortunately I would not be able to be killed this way. Not unless a short from the Playstation 2 ignites my comic books and in fleeing from the fire, I trip over my guitar amp and my bookcase full of DVD’s falls on me. But that won’t work because my comic books are encased in plastic bags, so blow me, Angel of Death! Then again, there’s always an aneurysm during excessive masturbation…
BURN RUBBER, ON ME…
Opening at number three because Britney’s manager would kill her if she got caught with a brutha is Biker Boyz and it’s not the motorcycle version of The Fast & The Furious you might think (and that was only a car remake of Point Break anyway). First of all, there’s no undercover cop. It’s all about the bikers and their way of life, scoring points in actually trying to give all the various characters three dimensions (though somehow forgetting to explain how it is everyone affords all these pricey bikes). No points, however, are gained with one of the oldest plots of record, of the young hotshot trying to take the crown from top dog, who in this case are Derek Luke and Laurence Fishburne, respectively. In fact, this movie stars every black actor with a day off. Also here are Orlando “7-Up” Jones, Lisa “Missing In Action” Bonet, Kadeem “A Different World” Harrison, Eric “e.r.” LaSalle, Lorenz “FiveYears Ago I Would Have Starred In This” Tate, Tyson “I’m A Model” Beckford, Djimon “Amistad” Hounsou, and Salli “I Slept With Matthew McConaughey” Richardson. Hell, if you look carefully, you might even see me in the background somewhere. Oddly enough, the racing sequences are boring as hell. They don’t seem fast at all (not to mention furious), and there’s no suspense to any of them. Characters with a little depth is nice in an action movie, but it should never be at the expense of what got your butt in the seat in the first place.
STANDING NEXT TO CATHERINE ZETA-JONES DOESN’T HELP
Down to number four because a D-List star like Jerry O’Donnell could never get someone like Britney Spears is Kangaroo Jack, followed by Darkness Falls at number five and Chicago at number six and how long are we going to pretend Renee Zellweger is pretty, ‘cause she ain’t. That hard, squinty thing she does makes me think “doesn’t she work at a carnival?” This is not to say I don’t like her, but I’m not about lying. In fact, the weight she gained for Bridget Jones’s Diary seemed to cut that squinting down. Another reason to get it back.
IT’S NOT LIKE WE’RE SPENDING IT ON DATES
Down one notch to number seven is Lord of the Rings: The Two Towers and the worldwide gross between the two films is now 1.6 billion dollars---without anyone touching Britney Spears. This from an initial budget cost of between $300-$400M. And you still have another one in the pipe, not to mention monies from video, dvd and sale to cable and network TV. Say it with me: geeks = cash. Fuck all of you with your “real human drama.” Yeah, I liked The Hours too, but who the fuck wants to see that 13 times?
BUT TEN YEARS AGO, HE WOULD HAVE BEEN ALL OVER IT
Down to number eight is Just Married, followed by Catch Me If You Can at number nine, with About Schmidt closing out the top ten at number ten, and I’m sure Britney Spears has crossed Jack Nicholson’s mind more than once.
“GREASED LIGHTING” WAS A DIRTY SONG ANYWAY
Not breaking the top ten is best film of this very new year (which is, granted, not saying much), The Guru, starring Heather Graham, Marisa Tomei and Jim Mistry. Yes, I said, Jim Mistry. It’s a light piece of romantic comedy fluff about an Indian dance instructor (Mistry) who comes to America to be a star, accidentally winds up in porn and then becomes a fake sexual guru. Believe it or not, despite that, it’s actually a very sweet movie. Even Heather Graham as the porn star (whose methods of making it through scenes are what become the foundations of the guru’s “teachings”) comes off as a total innocent. Personally, I think she was better in this than her overrated turn in Boogie Nights. Let’s face it, all her acclaim for that was because she appeared totally nude in a movie about porn and most critics are men. Marisa Tomei essentially does a variation on her role in The Slums of Beverly Hills, but reveals in an underwear scene that she obviously believes in a through bikini wax. What saves this average story is the new coat of paint thrown on it called Bollywood. There are no less than three Bollywood-style musical numbers (where everyone stares directly into camera and dances), two of which turn into homages to Grease, which totally won my heart right there. And when was the last time you saw a movie where a minority nails all the starring White chicks and gets the girl in the end? Progress is slow, kids, but it’s happening.
LOS SOPRANOS
Let’s not pretend that every Black, Hispanic and Italian person in America wasn’t watching Kingpin, okay? We were. All of America’s criminals love watching each other on TV and in the movies. It’s sick and sad, but we do it (along with wearing gold chains and loud funerals filled with food). But hey, it wasn’t half bad. And how can I watch this and not The Sopranos? Well, let’s just say that watching angst-ridden, attractive, Spanish people in stylish clothing committing crime in Mexico is a lot more appealing than watching angst-ridden, unattractive, Italians (with the exception of Drea DeMatteo) in tacky clothing committing crime in New Jersey. And Sheryl Lee is recovering from her decade long free-fall since Twin Peaks as the coke-snorting Lady Macbeth of this series. Her now hard looks fit her role perfectly. And while I love seeing Joaquim de Almeida, he really needs to stop playing Columbia drug lords. The man is Portuguese for god’s sake.
I DON’T REMEMBER BEN AFFLECK GETTING AN ANGRY LESBIAN PHONE CALL
Remember Chasing Amy? Well, she remembers me. Or at least, her girlfriend does. She called me over the weekend in a sad attempt to bitch me out. In a very rare occurrence on Saturday night, not only was my phone plugged in, but I actually picked it up, thinking only my geek buddies call that late. But I was wrong. First it was female, then she asked my name, after that came a torrent of insults that actually had me giggling before she was finished. Initially I thought it was on of my friends and after the insults I was going to be reminded that I never called. But when she abruptly hung up, I knew it was real. It didn’t take long to realize who it was. I’d spoken to her on the phone before and her choice of insults narrowed the field considerably. I wish I’d written them down (after all, they made me laugh) but all I can remember now is “…and you’re hideous and you’ll never get anyone.” Now, anyone who truly knows me is that my entire life has been one large preparation for being a grumpy old man, so this is anything but insulting to me. Plus, if you’re going to call someone up and bitch them out, asking politely for identity confirmation kind of takes the edge off of it. Even better, you should get a man to do it. Not to be sexist, but no chick is going to scare me. Well, not over the phone anyway. But I guess when you’re a lesbian, scary men aren’t exactly on your speed dial. And there was no threat! Insults alone don’t work on people like me! But threats…oh, that’s a different story. I’d think Chasing Amy would have told her enough about me to allow for some nice, detailed threats. “I know here you buy your comic books, geek, and I’m gonna burn it to the ground! You hear me!?! To the ground.” Now, that’s scary. So, I thought about returning the call, but lost motivation almost instantly and went back to playing the new video game I bought for just $10. Ten bucks for a newly released game! That’s unheard of! Oh, what was I talking about? Chasing Amy. The nearest I can figure is they must have broken up again. This always is what set that little psycho girlfriend of hers off, men who wanted Chasing Amy. But I’m still more interested in my new video game than this. I just can’t help it.
BECAUSE, AS WE ALL KNOW, COUNTRY SUCKS
And just why did I blow over $30 on ebay, tracking down songs Shelby Lynne dropped from her new CD? I could say I just loves me some Shelby Lynne, but you don’t see me buying any of that old country shit she used to do. Let’s just say it’s an Alabama thing and you wouldn’t understand. Sleeping with her won’t make your movie open at number one, but I’m sure it would be a helluva lot more fun that some dim 21-year-old, plus she could sing you her kick ass rendition of “Ode To Billy Joe” (that I downloaded, so it was free). I mean, who wants to hear Britney squeaking out “I’m Not A Girl, Not Yet A Woman” five minutes after tapping that ass?
2/3/2003
“Money isn’t everything. Your health is the other ten percent.” --- Lillian Day
HOW NOT TO MAKE A ROMANTIC COMEDY
Opening at number one is How To Lose A Guy In Ten Days, which is one of the worst movie titles in recent memory, but that’s not why I didn’t go see it. As you know, I am a fan of the romantic comedy, but after seeing that godawful trailer filled with the lamest plot conventions of the romantic comedy (it’s a scam, the scammer falls in love, but it’s too late, someone chases someone who’s leaving, etc.) and the hair and make up job done to poor Kate Hudson (that blonde hair color makes her look like a hooker, not mention that pink lipstick), well, I just couldn’t do it. Maybe if it had only been ninety minutes I could have done it, but at damn near two hours? No, you have to be a Four Weddings & A Funeral or Bridget Jones’s Diary to get away with two hours. I looked at this and saw two hours of lame clichés. Besides, my psyche is still too fresh from the wounding of A Guy Thing
GOD FORBIDE THERE BE A SHANGHAI DAWN
Shanghai Knights opens at number two and how did I find my way into this crapfest when I so hated the first one? Well, Donnie “I Think I’m Faster Than Bruce Lee” Yen is in it and I was willing to suffer to see him and Jackie Chan duke it out. It wasn’t worth it. Not only was their battle much too short, but poorly shot as well. This should have been a Superman vs. Thor type battle between two of Hong Kong’s biggest action stars, but I’ve seen better fight scenes on Buffy The Vampire Slayer. And my hatred and contempt for Owen Wilson as an actor grows every day. This laid back thing he does is so annoying. It works for Matthew McConaughey, but I just want Owen Wilson to stick to writing (he co-wrote Rushmore and The Royal Tenenbaums). Besides, what kind of man dumps Sheryl Crow?
I NEED TO BE IN VEGAS WITH SOME CASH
Chicago opens wide and jumps up to number three, with a perfect degree of momentum behind it. It’s not overwhelming (yet) and more people want to see it every day. Watch for Miramax’s rollout plan for this to be copied exactly by other studios. Oscar nominations come out this Tuesday, people, and we get to see if I was right in this being nominated in almost every major category (Best Actress, Supporting Actress, Best Director and Best Picture). After that will go on to win them all.
ETC.
The Recruit drops down to number four, followed by Final Destination 2 at number five.
TAMING OF THE BOO
Deliver Us From Eva opens poorly at number six and there’s a whole misogynist sub-genre of Black films about sistas who scare the shit out of men and how they all need a dick to tame them. Granted, this is hardly unique to Black films, but you’ll be hard pressed to find an audience that so roots for the woman to get her comeuppance. I saw the writer/director’s first effort in The Brothers and that simplistic, by-the-numbers romantic comedy was enough for me. I wasn’t going to be caught dead in this one. Besides, there was no showing so early I would be able to hear the dialogue over at least one talking moron. Supposedly LL Cool J is going by his real name of James Smith in this, but that obviously didn’t fly past the marketing department and understandably so. James Smith is the name of half the registries of cheap hotels in this country, not someone you pay to see. And I like that LL has a number one hit, even if it is will JLo. The sample is from the classic “Very Special” by Debra Lawes, so I don’t mind it so much.
MAYBE KANGAROO JACK 2 WILL GET HIM A HOUSE OF HIS OWN
Kangaroo Jack is down to number seven and Jerry O’Donnell (yes, I know I change his name every week) had to have the lamest Cribs segment I’ve ever seen. He was in a fucking apartment complex or condo or something with his brother living right below him. The pool they went to was for everyone in the damn place. How fucking sad is that? Granted at least he’s not living above his means, but why would you show anyone that?
HOW ABOUT “EARLY IN THE MORNING?” “YOU DROPPED A BOMB ON ME?”
Biker Boyz is down to number eight and only one person (my editor at CMJ New Music Monthly, which you cheap bastards are not buying) got my obvious Gap Band reference last week with “Burn Rubber On Me.” Am I the only one who remembers that classic? “I ain’t never ever had a love/Put the pedal to the metal/And burn on me/Charlie/Oh, no, no, no, no…” Speaking of which, how can you have a movie about Black people on bikes and not have that in it? Especially, when your lead has a tattoo on his chest that reads “Burn rubber, not your soul.” What does it mean? Who the fuck knows, but if you’ve been sniffing exhaust fumes all day, I’m sure it sounds deep. Lisa Bonet is a biker in this and I have to say this is the role that suits her new “hardened” looks. She’s still very attractive, but looks like she’ll cut you as soon as look at you. See what marrying a dickhead like Lenny Kravitz does to you? Also, there’s that burden of being half-Black and half-Jewish. Not only are you born with twice the oppression, but your love of basketball borders on insanity, as my time in New York as taught me that no one loves brown ball more than a short Jewish person. No one.
THOUGH I’D PREFER IT TO EVER SEEING ANOTHER EPISODE OF FRIENDS
Darkness Falls is down to number nine and starring in this is Emma Caulfield, best known as the sex and money obsessed demon, Anya, on Buffy The Vampire slayer. Recently she was on the Howard Stern show and when asked about Sarah Michelle Gellar, Emma suggested they talk about anal sex instead. Now, Sarah Michelle Gellar has a reputation as a bit of a diva bitch and supposedly is universally loathed on the Buffy set, but how much of a bitch do you have to be when someone would rather publicly discuss sodomy than talk about you!?! Damn!
FICKLE GEEK BASTARDS
Finally, Lord of the Rings: The Two Towers closes out the top ten at number. This will probably its last week as the dateless geeks will be out in force to see Dardevil next week (yes, I’ll be with them), thus temporarily abandoning their 18th screening of this.
A LITTLE MORE ROMANCE? A LITTLE ROMANCE 2: ELECTRIC BUGALOO?
Just out on DVD and becoming #251 in my collection (not counting the porn) is A Little Romance, the movie that put Diane Lane on the cover of Time Magazine and into my heart over 25 years ago. It’s still a wonderful little movie and I can’t believe no one every tried to force a sequel out of it. Not that I want it, but this is the type of evil Disney so specializes in. I can tell you the plot now. Diane Lane returns to Paris 25 years later with a child of her own. This child meets a French kid and they go off to recreate her adventure. Actually, that’s not so bad. AND IT’S MINE, GODDAMNIT! ANY OF YOU FUCKERS TRY TO STEAL IT AND I’LL KILL YOU!
THE REAL HELL WILL BE THE CUISINE OF BOTH COUNTRIES
Now that the new issue of CMJ: New Music Monthly is out, which none of you cheap bastards bother to buy (with The Little Drummer Girl as the only exception), you can now read my reviews of The Pianist and Rabbit Proof Fence:
The holiday season is the perfect time for a theological question: what language do they speak in hell? My money’s on either English or German, based on this month’s fact-based films. The first and most obvious is German, because of the Nazis and their horror is once more visited in The Pianist. It’s the true story of pianist, Wladyslaw Szpilman (played by one of my man-crushes, Adrian Brody) who spent WWII hiding from Nazis in Poland and ultimately was saved by a Nazi officer. Director Roman Polanski barely escaped Poland himself (crawling through a hole in a wire fence is all that saved him---everyone but his uncle was not as fortunate), so I can understand his need to show what happened in all its brutal reality. For the viewer, however, its two-hour plus running time is an exercise in endurance. You go quickly from “Oh, god, this is horrible” to “Oh, god, when will this movie end?” And though it maybe a true story, watching Szpliman refusing to leave Poland at the beginning when his family wants to does cut into your sympathy with its tragic stupidity. Their steadfast refusal to accept the reality of what’s happening around them until it is too late is painful. It’s like watching someone sit in a burning building, continuing to hope that someone, somewhere is going to come and put it out, when they should get up just run the hell out…But while the Germans targeted one race, the British have seemingly tried to wipe out every race on the planet at one time or another. Rabbit Proof Fence is an account of their policies in Australia, where half-breed Aboriginal children (funny how the lesser races were never too low to have sex with) would be taken from their parents to “help them become more white.” Of course “becoming more white” somehow always involved being domestic help for white people. Kenneth Branagh, who has also played Nazis with equally scary precision, plays the architect of this program. The scary part about this policy is that it only stopped in the early 70’s. This film accounts one girls refusal to stay in one of the training camps and how walked 1500 miles along the rabbit proof fence back to her mother, successfully avoiding attempts to recapture her. In this case the film succeeds because the emphasis is on her triumph and not the brutality she escapes. And it helps that it’s only 90 minutes.
OFF THE WALL…AND OUT OF MY FUCKING MIND
Finally, yes, I was forced to sit through the Michael Jackson interview by a Friend Who Shall Remain Nameless the way she tried to force me to see the Whitney Houston interview by calling me during the commercials with “Did you see that!?! Did you see that!?!” I’ve no doubt I’ll be forced to watch Lisa Marie Presley the same way. Sigh. That said, why do they do this? Doesn’t anyone have a manager with an ounce of common sense to say, “Don’t do this. You’ll come off bad no matter what. People are going to talk about you no matter what you do so why give them ammunition?” And boy did he give them ammunition. The man is as fucked as we always imagined, but at least we got some clue to it. The stories of Joe Jackson beating them for missing dance steps were horrible and I actually felt badly for him, because his childhood was so obviously stolen from him, but that ended when we saw the kids. Ooooh, boy. Prince Michael with the dyed blonde hair (you could see the dark roots), Prince Michael 2nd, who was nicknamed “Blanket” and whom Michael obviously has no idea how to hold. That panicked feeding should have had Children’s Services kicking the doors down and dragging those kids out of there. I won’t even get into the $6M spending spree on the ugliest shit on god’s earth. The killer, of course, was the continuing stream of kids he still has sleeping over with total parental approval ---another group Children’s Services should be taking away---and the denials of plastic surgery. So far Macaulay and Keiran Culkin haven’t commented on their sleep-overs with Michael, and no one cares enough to ask Tatum O’Neal about how Michael was too gay, um, too shy to have sex with her. All in all, a complete disaster for anyone connected to the man. Except the accountants. After the airing in England, sales of his albums increased and I’ve no doubt it will do the same here, because, crazy child-touching freak he may be, but up until the second nose job, he was a great pop star. Damn, I think I’ll listen to “Off The Wall” right now.