5/18/2003
“Don’t accept your dog’s admiration as conclusive evidence that you are wonderful.” --- Ann Landers
WHOA RELOADED
The Matrix Reloaded opens at number one in virtually every other theater on the planet and let’s get right to it: no, it’s not as good as the first one. Sorry, but part of the appeal of The Matrix was the newness of it all. You didn’t know what the fuck it was or what the fuck was going to happen. Hell, in retrospect I’m amazed the damn thing ever got made. Now, of course, that newness is gone. To their credit, the Wachowski Brothers never try to recreate it. They just pick up right where they left off---creating a science fiction film with more minorities in the future than any film in history. I swear, somewhere down the line, some Black girl must have rocked their world, because outside of Pat Riley, no White man has ever done this much for the bruthas. Freaking Cornel West shows up as a member of the Council in Zion and Roy Jones Jr as the captain of another ship. Cornel fucking West!?! (Oh, he’s a major league Black intellectual type who left Harvard for Princeton in kind of a scandal) Asians are there too, but that’s to be expected from obvious Hong Kong film fans like the Wachowskis (though oddly, no gorgeous Asian women, which is like a White geekboy rule). They have seen the future and apparently it’s golden and brown and having hot, sweaty dance parties before big battles (it’s like the movie suddenly turns into Soul Train). Still, the Wachowski Brothers have virtually unlimited power this time around, so there’s no one to tell them, “Hey, a lot of this dialogue is stupid and boring and should probably be rewritten or cut.” Too bad too, because it occasionally sinks itself with dialogue like, “Why do I do this?” “Because this is what you’re here to do,” over and over and fucking over again. It’s a little slow to start, but thankfully, by the second major fight scene it’s been kicked up a notch and by the film’s centerpiece action scenes---the highway scene and Neo taking on a group by himself---it’s firing on all cylinders. The first major fight scene of Neo versus the hundred Agent Smiths suffers from the same problem so many other films suffer from recently: too much CGI. Sorry, but we’re still not the point where you can replace a human with an animated figure and it not look like Jason and The Argonauts. There’s not one shot of cartoon fighting that doesn’t look stupid, not to mention all the shots of Keanu Reeves’s stunt doubles. Still, once he breaks out the pole, it becomes a kick-ass-athon and Jerry’s Kids get well paid. And do I even have to tell you the geek chubby I popped every time he does the Superman bit that climaxed the first film? Complete with the trench coat acting as the cape. Now these are the guys who should have done a Superman movie, and if he were younger, Keanu would be a decent Superman.
BAD HABITS CANCEL EACH OTHER OUT
Daddy Day Care holds at number two and believe it or not, but I’m still fighting the urge to see this. Thank goodness Movie Buddy ’98 gave me my own copy of Midnight Club 2, which steals hours from my life before I can even realize it. It keeps me from mistakes like this. It also keeps me from sleeping more than four hours a night, but I’ll sleep when I’m dead.
COME ON, BABY, LIGHT MY FIRE
Down to number three (which is a bit of a shock) is X2 and the real story of this movie is and should have been Pyro. In the comics, Pyro is a flat out bad guy, so from the very first moment he shows up in the first film, any self-respecting geek knows the worm will turn. Well, he does and his transformation here is better than anything you saw Anakin Skywalker do in Star Wars: Attack of the Clones. And you totally understand why he does. In the course of the film, they travel to Iceman’s home, where he comes out to his parents, who are less than thrilled. Iceman’s asshole little brother calls the cops who show and promptly shoot Wolverine in the head. This sets Pyro off who starts roasting the cops in the scene you see in the trailer---but to keep their PG-13 rating, the filmmakers pussy out and cops who have been hit dead on with fireballs mysteriously survive. If you’re gonna make him a villain, then he should act villainous, goddamn it! Give me a body count! Singer get credit for defining just what makes Pyro the way he is in a wordless scene where he looks over the family photos of Iceman and you can tell he never had it growing up. No stupid obvious scene where he spells it out for you. And there’s also a nice moment with Pyro and Magneto where the code names that Wolverine mocked in the first film are actually shown to have meaning and gravity. They’re essentially a type of rebellion against the world. Very nicely done. Worthy actually of the comic book during its best days.
PILLOW TALK
Down With Love opens at number four and this is an homage to the romantic comedies of the late 50’s and early 60's, especially the ones with Doris Day and Rock Hudson. If you’ve ever seen them, you know they are pure candy-coated confection of what life in Manhattan would be like and this film is all about loving those films, while gently poking fun at them. The very first scene with Renee Zellweger sets you up. She arrives at Grand Central Station and then catches a cab right across the street---at the United Nations, which is actually nowhere near Grand Central. Nor does it afford you the same view of the Empire State Building this UN does. This lets you know the fantasy universe into which you’ve stepped. From that point on it’s a comedy of winks, nudges and fashion. A little too long for such a fluffy idea, it’s nonetheless a painless little comedy, but someone should have taken pains to find fashions that compliment Renee Zellweger and not show off the painful limitations of her now bony little body. In fact the, biggest problem of the film is the casting of the leads. Rock Hudson and Doris Day were two very full-bodied individuals and Ewan McGregor and Renee Zellweger fail to fill their shoes both literally and figuratively. The rest of the cast, however, is dead on. David Hyde Pierce plays the Tony Randall role, a role he was born to play. Besides, Tony Randall is busy in the movie playing someone else (not to mention being a hundred). Doris Day couldn’t make it, as she now lives the life of a recluse.
THE REST
The Lizzie Maguire Movie is down to number five, followed by Anger Management at number six, Identity at number seven , Holes at number eight, A Mighty Wind at number nine and Bend It Like Beckham at number ten and I’ve got nothing left to say about any of them. Hell, look at the grosses. Nobody cares any more. It’s obvious the only people seeing them are those who were closed out of the top three films on a Friday or Saturday night. Or people who wanted to see a movie but thought they were too good to see anything science fiction or based on a comic book, or god forbid, American.
SNIP
So Nice Jewish Doctor has invited to me to two very important events in her life over the past year. On the first, I was wandering the halls while it took place. For the second, I was right on time. If only they’d been reversed because the first one was her wedding and the second one was the bris for her infant son. For those of you who don’t know, the bris (actually bris milah; milah means “to cut”) is the ritual circumcision for Jewish males. It literally means “covenant.” It’s the covenant Abraham had with God---when he circumcised himself in his 80’s. Ouch. It supposedly joins the body and soul in serving God. It happens on the 8th day because it took seven days for God to create the world, so when the child has lived eight days, he has transcended the physical plane to the metaphysical and is ready to join with God (women are born complete). It’s the foreskin because the penis is the most sacred part of a man’s body. No argument there. Better a little useless foreskin than a ball (besides, women who sleep with uncircumcised men have a higher rater of urinary tract infection because men don’t wash their dicks enough). Somehow I think if Abraham had decided to give up a ball, there would be a lot less Jews in the world and certainly no converts. You ever wonder if it were Abraham’s decision and not God’s? Can you see him discussing this with the other deities? “So I told this schmuck he had to give me something to prove his devotion to me. So, I’m expecting the usual; you know, a goat or something. No, not this guy. This guy who’s lived to be 80 when the average person dies at 36---so he might be a little senile, which would explain a lot---this guy turns around and cuts the skin off his dick! No shit, Buddha! I couldn’t believe it! Now they’re all doing it! Hell, at least I convinced them to do it to the kids before they were old enough to run the fuck away.” Not that every Jew is thrilled with the procedure. The father was joking that he hoped the mohel wouldn’t show and the grandmother left before the actual procedure and didn’t come back for forty-five minutes. The mohel was a total character. It’s as if they teach you in mohel school that you have to act like Jackie Mason, otherwise you’re not a mohel. But he was the height of professional. He was in and out in no time at all. Me, I was the designated photographer. And because I was a male at a religious ceremony I got to wear the yarmulke (“not a jew beanie” as Jon Stewart teaches us). I actually thought I would watch the cutting, but the mohel blocked my view and I made no attempt to change position. The next thing I know, there’s something that looks like a half-inch of masking tape sitting on the table. I was good until dad started to cry. He had the unfortunate responsibility of having to having to hold his son’s legs down while the mohel worked. This is what actually started the baby crying, and when he cried, dad cried. And when dad cried, I…I didn’t cry, but damn close enough. Afterwards, it was wine time. Including a baby, who was eased by a wine-soaked swab in his mouth. Usually, it’s drinking that leads your dick to getting into trouble, not the other way around, but he’s got a lifetime to learn that.
I KNOW WHAT GEEKS LIKE/I KNOW WHAT NERDS WANT
So, I’m down in Chinatown again, picking up DVD’s for myself and friend’s son who is a geek-in-training and I’m aiding him on his journey. He’s already got the prerequisite smart, cute, loyal galpal that he’s oblivious to because he’s too busy looking at a future skank. That’s pure geek right there, boy. His mom thinks sports will save him. Really? I played, baseball, basketball, ran track, have studied various martial arts and have a modicum of social skills. It means nothing. One cannot escapes one’s destiny. In any case, I go to Chinatown to get my personal copy of Hero, which was up for Best Foreign Film last year, but Miramax did nothing to promote or push it because they also had another film up in the same category. I also picked up A Man Called Hero, which has the most incredible scene of two guys duking it out on the Statue of Liberty and they wind up destroying it (the naked girl from last week’s picture is also in it, but it’s all about the fight scenes). This brings the DVD collection up to 256 (not counting the porn, which has grown thanks to recent purchases of movies starring porn stars who look like Debra Messing and Bridget Fonda). In any case, on the way back there was an incredibly Slutty Looking Girl smoking a cigarette in front of the train station. In one of the instances that makes New York wonderful, she looked Asian and Puerto Rican (take that, Kansas!). That automatically means trouble---not to mention some seriously interesting family dinners. She’d be worth dating just for the cuisine. In any case, I wasn’t the only one who noticed her, in her low-riding tight jeans, which showed off the tattoos she had just below her waistline. A group of Puerto Rican couples passed by her and one of them must have said something thing, because the next thing I know she’s yelling at them, “You like lookin’ at that, huh!?! You like it!?!” But it gets better, as I’m waiting for the uptown train, she comes down to the downtown platform and leans against a girder and begins to periodically spit onto the floor. Oh, yeah, that’s the kind of girl mom told you to avoid. The kind of girl that you cannot resist. The kind you ignore your cute, smart, loyal galpal for. She’s definitely going to get someone killed---if she hasn’t already.
BETTER THAN “WALK THIS WAY” BY A LONG SHOT
My new favorite song is “The Seed 2.0” by The Roots with Cody Chestnut. Now, Cody Chestnut is one of those people you’re always reading about. Supposedly he’s great, but you really can’t be bothered to find out. Well, if this song is any indication, it might be time to take the trouble, though the lyrics seem to be a bit nasty (it’s essentially about knocking up someone other than your girlfriend; literally referring to “seed”). I say “seem” because given his counter-culture attitude along with The Roots’ habit of bucking trends, it could actually be a metaphor for going outside “the establishment” to create something original. It’s a rare rap/rock combo that works and there’s no sampling because it’s The Roots and they play all original music on actual fucking instruments (though it does sound like the guitar riff from The Rolling Stones “Anybody Seen My Baby”). The Roots are another group that gets critical lauds, but ultimately bores the shit out of me. They usually only have one song an album that I like and this one seems to be it. Before it was the one with Erika Baydu “You Got Me.” Oh, and the video is nice too.
YET ANOTHER REASON WHY I LEFT THE SOUTH
Finally, because I’m up until four in the morning racing my video car through Paris, I caught some of Sex 2K: Southern Fried Lovin’ on MTV. They follow four women in a small southern town and the most interesting one had the greatest dad ever. Not only did they have an actually friendship, but he gave her the blunt, honest truth no matter what. When he told her the way to keep a man happy was to “keep his stomach full and his balls dry.” This girl’s boyfriend was an obvious dick who would never go out with her and got angry when she was going to have dinner with a platonic friend. Her dad advised her to tell him to take her the way she was or nothing at all. Her best friend pretty much wanted her to dump his ass and her best friend’s sister-in-law flat out told her she was going to have to compromise more than he would “’cause that’s just the way it is.” Needless to say, the best friend’s sister-in-law was right. She compromised and at the end of the show, they were together and in love and he was going on about how good it was that she changed. Me, I thought it was pretty fucking sad that she gave up so much of herself for him, but obviously she treasured a mate above self-esteem (me, I ain’t giving up my comic books for nobody, goddamnit!). The other sad part was the single Black woman on the show who was a single mother with six kids living in a trailer. Only five stayed with her. Okay, now I’m a liberal Democrat; at one point a card-carrying member of the ACLU, but this kind of shit tests the hell out of me. One kid; fine. Not a problem. Two kids. Still not a problem. Three; now we have a problem and I gotta ask you if you know what birth control is. You get up to six fucking kids in a fucking trailer with no one to help you and you’re just a goddamn moron and the state should step in. Sorry, but it’s not just about you anymore. It’s also about the other kids who have to make do with less because you have a problem saying “No,” or asking a man to wear a fucking condom.
5/11/2003
“So why talk about it? We don’t have time to talk about something that’s not about me!” --- Elisabeth Schwartz
DAVID CARUSO SYNDROME
Still at number one is X2 and imagine what it’s like being Kelly Hu. You’re in one of the biggest movies of the year, as the villain who goes toe-to-toe with the movie’s star----and you have almost no lines! In fact, I can’t remember even one. On the other hand, Halle Berry is given lines merely because now she’s the biggest star in the movie, not because she needs them for her character. There’s a scene where someone needs to talk Professor X out of an illusion, and is it his closest student and protégé, Cyclops? Or even Jean Grey to communicate with him telepathically? Nope, it’s Storm and all she does is attack the bad guy anyway. And why give her extra time since she’s pretty much made it clear she’s not coming back anyway because she doesn’t feel the character gives her enough to do? Honey, when you got this gig, you were a falling star lucky to be in a major movie, now you’re going to get attitude? Hell, it’s money for nothing! You do this to stay popular and you’re free for the next year and a half to do anything you want! And because the role is small, you’re not typecast by the character. What could be better? All the others are infinitely more grateful for what it’s done for them. Needless to say the kids are coming back, Famke Janssen is already signed for the next one (then again, it’s obviously going to be all about her, so why not), Hugh Jackman knows this is what put him over the top and Ian McKellen learned with Lord of the Rings the value of geek popularity, so they aren’t hopping off the gravy train anytime soon.
IF IT HAD BEEN SUPERMAN, I’D HAVE GONE
Opening up at number two is Daddy Day Care and don’t kid yourself: it’s another family success for Eddie Murphy. Opening at $27M is impressive enough, but doing that against X2 is doubly impressive. Doing family films should signal the death of your career, but all it’s done is to keep Eddie Murphy on top and save him from non-kiddie fare like Showtime and The Adventures of Pluto Nash. I think it’s safe to say, a third Dr. Dolittle may be coming. God help us all. But I have to admit, I almost saw this. The trailers are funny, Laura Kightlinger is in it and most of all, there’s a kid in a Flash outfit. Nothing gets me like a giant geek reference. A friend and I once stopped a porn film when we were teenagers to check out a picture of Captain America in the background. Yes, I’m that big a geek. I stopped a sex film for comic books.
CHILDREN ARE INDEED THE FUTURE
Pushed down to number three is The Lizzie Maguire Movie, and look who else found salvation with the kids, Robert Carradine, who plays her father both on the show and in the movies. Yes, brother to Keith and David who had two seconds of fame with Revenge of the Nerds, he was David Duchovny before there was David Duchovny. And so David Duchovny should look to Robert Carradine as his potential future after a lucky break franchise. One day he too might be lucky just to play the dad to a new star. Hey, just ask Bo Duke, a.k.a., John Schneider, now best known as Superman’s dad on Smallville. Think Luke Duke (Tom Wopat) is calling up every day asking why Superman can’t have an uncle?
ETC.
Down to number four is Identity, followed by Anger Management at number five and Holes at number six.
I LAUGH AT DUMBASSES FOR FREE EVERYDAY
A Mighty Wind enters the top ten at number seven and while I love This Is Spinal Tap beyond all logic, that’s where I draw the line with the Christopher Guest mockumentaries. Yes, I’ve heard nothing but wonderful things about them, but at their core, they’re about laughing at a bunch of morons too dumb to know how stupid they are. Waiting For Guffman is about a bunch dumbass actors in the wastelands of the Pacific Northwest and this is about a bunch of dumbass folk musicians (which could be seen as redundant). And I despise folk music to the point where I can’t even listen to a parody of it. It’s just that bad. I mean, let’s face it: the banjo is the instrument of the devil. It can only be a part of evil things. That’s really what Nero played while Rome burned. Also, “Dueling Banjos” is actually and unholy hymn used to raise Lucifer. I swear.
PLUS, SHE WAS NEKKED!
Malibu’s Most Wanted is down to number eight followed by Bend It Like Beckham, which holds at number nine and I’m sorry, but the lead girl, Parminder K. Nagra, is simply not that attractive. I can see why the British press prefers her best friend in the film. You wanna see an attractive Indian girl, you want Indira Varma from Kama Sutra, who was so beautiful it hurt.
GRETCHEN MOL ONLY GOT ONE
Finally, closing out the top ten is Confidence and just how many chances is Ed Burns going to get? He’s been riding the Brothers McMullen train for a loooong time now. What other successes has he had to justify continual casting? He was just another player in Saving Private Ryan. Everything else has been indie and hardly successful indie. Yeah, he’s decent looking and in a world where Colin Farrell claims to be 5’9” he’s legitimately six feet, but is that really enough? At this point I think men cast him because they want to hang with the guy who banged both Heather Graham and Christy Turlington (and I think they’re back together).
IT’S NOT LIKE SHE’S GOT A MODELING CAREER
Isn’t it a little soon for a Beverly Hills 90210 to have a reunion show? I mean, who the fuck really missed it? Dawson’s Creek more than filled its spot in the hearts of young America and even that’s gone. I didn’t watch it, but I do know the two people who needed it the most were not there: Brian Austin Green and Tori Spelling. How can that talentless loser and ugly, ugly broad turn their backs on the thing that gave them all their underserved success? And how desperately does Shannon Dougherty (who strangely has a large gay male fan base) want to get back in Aaron Spelling’s good graces by doing this? Right now she’s living in the hell of basic cable doing some bullshit prank show that was sued even before it hit the air. Still anyone who bitch slaps one of those ugly-ass Hilton Sisters is a friend of mine.
ALL THE NEWS YOU’RE TOO CHEAP TO BUY
Have I mentioned you were all a bunch of cheap bastards recently? Well, you are and here are last month’s reviews from CMJ: New Music Monthly, ‘cause I know you didn’t buy it:
The fact Billy Bob Thornton is one of the few actors capable of real “presence” gets overlooked amid the hoopla surrounding his personal life. He can command your attention just by sanding there. “Gravitas” they call it. In a white wig that makes him look like the aging lead singer of a rock band, Billy Bob wanders through Levity as a man suddenly released from prison after serving 20 years for murder, searching for redemption. Aiding him is the solid supporting cast of Morgan Freeman, Holly Hunter and Kirstin Dunst. One of few actors with more “gravitas” than Thornton is Morgan Freeman, and their scenes together are a real treat. These men could have a staring contest that would be more interest than anything Tom Hanks has ever done. Holly Hunter’s performance as sister of the murdered man (who unknowingly begins a relationship with Thornton) reminds us that she doesn’t work nearly enough. But despite the performances the story loses its way, and by the end all but abandons reality. Only in movies do you get scenes like the one where pretty, little, blonde Kirstin Dunst walks into room filled with Black and Latino teen thugs and mouths off to them, and they just laugh and take it. “Hah-hah-hah. You’re such a cool white girl we’re not going to gang rape you.” It makes an odd sort of sense that writer/director, Ed Solomon also wrote Charlie’s Angels (not to mention Men In Black), where he created a similar scene for Cameron Diaz in, where she takes her bony ass to Soul Train and wins the bruthas over. Not in drama, Ed.
There’s a whole sub-genre of film about the old hand who’s lost touch with the times and is trying for one last, big score before he taps out. Add The People I Know to that list. Al Pacino stars as a fading PR man down to his last client trying to put together a benefit when he find himself embroiled in big league New York politics and murder. In trying to be both Death of a Salesman and The Parallax View, it ultimately fails at both. Especially the latter, as a lifetime PR man in New York City would be much more savvy than Al Pacino is in this film. He’s actually “shocked, shocked” when cokehead actress, Tea Leoni, takes him to a floating drug den for the rich and powerful (but at the same time he knows opium when he smells it). And while I’m sure it was fun and interesting for him to play a Jew from Georgia, his accent sounds like he’s channeling Tennessee Williams the whole time. Especially when standing next to authentic Georgian, Kim Basinger as his sister-in-law who’s come to New York to try and get him to quit the PR game and take his dead brother’s place in her life.
I THINK I ACTUALLY PRODUCE ESTROGEN AT THIS POINT
So Friday I have drinks with the Rock Chick. Well, she’s more of a Former Rock Chick, but still… In any case, last time I saw her, I went to New Jersey so she could teach me about tequila. I spent ten hours on a cold bathroom floor as a result of it. This time she wanted to teach me about vodka. Thankfully, we only had an hour before she met a friend for dinner, so it was more like a Learning Annex course. Now, while I’m not an advocator or user of drugs, I nonetheless find it someone refreshing to run across the unrepentant user. First, Rock Chick wanted me to “pick something up for her” when I went to see her in Jersey. I refused. This time around she recalled fondly her one experience with freebasing cocaine. “I loved it. If I had more money, I’d probably still be doing it.” Ahem. Her currently decadence is all natural. Well, kinda. Sex is all natural, even if it is with the younger brother of your ex-boyfriend (“I did brothers in college too,” she recalled fondly). And when the ex confronted her about it, her response, “Yeah, I did him. What’s your dad doing? I’m thinking of making it a hat trick,” makes me realize she’s lucky to be alive. Let’s face it; no jury would ever have convicted him after he told that story. Then again, any man stupid enough to tell a woman his younger brother is better hung, kinda gets what he deserves. From that I went home to a brief nap and a brief phone call consoling my Surrogate Sister, who just ended a long-term relationship with her boyfriend. During that phone call, Round The Way Girl called because we were supposed to go out. So, I took my lingering buzz and went over to her place where we ran through ideas of where to go out, despite our reluctance to venture to the Lower East Side or Brooklyn. Oh, did I say “our reluctance”? Make that “my refusal.” In any case, we wound up at another bar where I had something tropical and fruity (because I’m pussy drinker, I admit it), while she merely encouraged it before finally giving in and having something. At some point in the night I felt insulted and felt the need to call my mother to vouch for me. Sigh. Is there anything sadder than the drinking phone call? I don’t want to think about how that’s skyrocketed since the invention of the cell phone. So Around The Way Girl had to speak to my mother and I got the response from everyone who has any contact with my mom: “She’s so sweet…what the hell happened to you?” I’ll tell all you muthafuckas what happened to me! My dad! He’s a sarcastic bastard with an illusion of charm who only sees the bad in everything. Sound familiar? In any case, now I owe my grandchildren-starved mother a picture of the woman I was drinking with. Wonderful. But we all paid that night. We stopped by a fast food Indian place where the cabbies usually go and while he normally only charges her $2, my presence got the priced knocked up to the $2.50 everyone else pays. Wow. I was actually a masculine threat to someone’s deluded fantasies. Let us take a pause while I soak that up. In any case I think the lesson we learned here is that I simply don’t have enough male friends.
WHEN IS SHE JUST GOING TO DO SOME FREAKING NUDITY?
Sarah Jessica Parker shows off her amazingly taut post-baby body in this month’s W Magazine (I swear I don’t have a subscription), but unlike most she takes pains to point out that she has that body because she can not only afford to have a yoga instructor come to her house, but a nanny to care for the baby so she can do a ninety minute workout. And while I love her, they do patented “hide the face, emphasize the body” type of shots that I learned about from years of Playboy. In every shot, either her hair or a hat is obscuring her face, while the hard, flat stomach is on full, wonderful display. Well, it’s important to know your weaknesses and she obviously knows hers.
CROUCHING GEEK, HIDDEN SMUT
So, I spent Saturday afternoon roaming about Chinatown looking for DVD’s. Okay, this started when I noticed the most attractive girl in Storm Riders (the movie both X-Men & X2 wishes it were) was not only the female lead, but also looks like a friend of mine. This girl also turned up in The Transporter and disappointingly, did no nudity (the male lead, however, took his shirt off at every opportunity). The self-same friend referred me to a website for Hong Kong videos where we discovered she had a history as a nudie actress. You have to understand the film business in Asia is a bit different than here. No A-list female stars do nudity. Period. This puts you in “Category III” which is the equivalent of soft-core porn here. The idea of Gwyneth Paltrow and Halle Berry getting Oscars for film in which they appear nude is unheard of. Also, all stars are former beauty queens. Michele Yeoh, Maggie Cheung---everyone is a former “Miss Hong Kong” or something. Not that we don’t have it here, but Halle Berry is the exception, not the rule. And finally, you absolutely have to fuck someone. That’s a given in any business, but while you can succeed without it, that’s not really the case in Hong Kong show business. Either you’re fucking the producer or the director, but until you become a star, you’re fucking someone. Shu Qi, the girl in question, grew up poor and ran away from home at 16 and became a beauty queen. I think that pretty much tells you all you need to know. Catcher’s knees have probably less work. However, she’s a rare exception of the Category III who broke out. She”retired” from nudity and has since won the equivalent of two Best Supporting Actress Oscars. Also, she was Ang Lee’s first choice for the Zhang Ziyi role in Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon, but the same agent who made her a star, pulled her out of it…to do a fucking Coke commercial. He tries to downplay it now, but everyone knows he made one of the greatest agent blunders of all time. In any case, since discovering her, the goal has been to find one of her nude films simply because I think it’s funny. I could order it through the website, but I live in a city with a Chinatown. Why the hell should I wait? So, having no fear of SARS, I set off in search of Shu Qi butt-nekked. And there’s always the joy I get from being doubly in the minority bracket. More than once I was the only non-Asian in the joint, but since this is New York, there were two Chinese kids asking the guy behind the counter for 50 Cents. At first it seemed easy. The DVD’s were usually arranged by star and very cheap (I’m just going to assume they’re legal and not ask questions). Unfortunately the star’s name wasn’t always in English, so I was at a loss. Also, how do you ask for the nudie section without coming across like some rice-busting freak? The answer? You don’t. This was driven home in the largest store I found which actually had a nudie section on full display. There were two guys looking through it: me and some White guy. The only non-Asians in the place are looking at naked Asian women. Wonderful. That’s when I gave up the search because a joke is not worth all this humiliation (and because I’m a dumbass, I didn’t realize that my DVD player could play VCD’s, of which there was an infinitely greater number). I’ll have to be satisfied with just inflicting the photo you see above on her.
UGLY IS TO THE BONE
People Magazines’ 50 Most Beautiful issue came out and I tend to pick it up for the cheese factor. As usual, “beautiful” is synonymous with “we thought it would be neat to pretend our standards of beauty are this broad.” Britney Spears is not beautiful. Great body, but without make-up you’ve got trouble. Christina Aguilera doesn’t even have the nice body. You can sing, honey. Don’t worry about the rest. Ben Affleck is just plain goofy-looking. Susan Sarandon’s daughter doesn’t look like her, but is thin with large breasts, which is the same thing as being beautiful. I thought it was very funny they had the horse-faced duo of Julia Roberts and Jennifer Garner back-to-back. Why not add Sarah Jessica Parker and make it a hat trick? Then they include “real people.” Who the fuck wants to see “real people”!?! Derek Luke isn’t good looking either and neither is Usher, who actually has someone attractive with him (Chili). I love Tina Fey, but just because she’s smart and funny, it doesn’t make her beautiful. Sexy, yes, Beautiful, hell no. At least there are no old people this time. When they put that old broad from Titantic in one year, I knew they were full of shit. At best, this is People’s 20 Most Beautiful and 30 We Threw In For Sales.
5/4/2003
“One cannot think well, love well, sleep well, if one has not dined well.” --- Virginia Woolf
X2: WE RAN OUT OF IDEAS AFTER THE NUMBER
Opening at number one is X2: X-Men United and apparently no imagination was left over from production to come up with a better title. I had low expectations for the first film and so was impressed by it. It didn’t exactly copy the comic book, but retained its essence, so it succeeded. For this film, however, I had high expectations, so of course I was disappointed. Sorry, but this suffers from the usual sequel problem of “We have more money, so let’s beef up the action, the special effects, but neglect the script.” Not that they neglect characterization, it’s just that they neglect the wrong characters. Everything else aside, the first movie was about Wolverine and Rogue finding a home. This film has no such central theme, though it easily could have. There’s a story here about Rogue, Iceman and Pyro that actually begins the movie, but is quickly regulated to third place behind the main plot and Wolverine’s story. Also, it’s just too damn long. Again, its nice that moments are taken to show you emotional depth, but if you can’t get an emotion conveyed silently in five seconds, holding on Hugh Jackman’s face for twenty seconds isn’t going to help; and it just makes the movie longer. And not that too much logic is good for a fantasy film, but if you’re out to stop a doomsday device and you wind up in the power room, how bright to you have to be to just unplug the fucking thing? Even the bad guy gets worried about the power, but apparently our good guys aren’t as smart. But there are good things present and number one amongst them is Wolverine finally kills people! Finally! There’s also a nice, long fight between Wolverine and Lady Deathstrike with slashing aplenty. And everyone gets their moment to shine and put the $120M budget to good use. Storm has tornadoes taking out jets, Pyro gets to blow up police cars (though they pussy out by having all the cops miraculously survive), Nightcrawler gets a doozy of an opening scene and Jean Grey gets to set up the sequel in a way that gave geeks everywhere boners.
YOU COULD NEVER TAKE MY BOYFRIEND, SO I LIKE YOU
Also opening this week at number two is, The Lizzie Maguire Movie, a movie based entirely around a character no one over the age of 12 knows a thing about. Doing only the basic research, I discover that The Lizzie Maguire Show is a big hit on The Disney Channel and that Hilary Duff (the star) is only 15, not like the 25 year olds you’re used to seeing play teenagers (yes, Dawson, I’m talking to you). I made this observation when she turned up in Agent Cody Banks, but it bears repeating: she’s not that pretty. Sorry, but she’s not, but that’s probably part of her success, as well as that of Amanda Bynes. They’re not so pretty that boys think they’re unobtainable and or that girls feel threatened by them. Also, Lizzie Maguire character is a clumsy goofball. Even less of a threat to an pre-adolescent ego. Whether this movie is good or bad is irrelevant. The only question is, are kids willing to pay for what they get every day for free? Apparently, the answer is “yes” as $17M against the X-Men sequel is actually quite impressive. And this just weeks after Agent Cody Banks.
UNLESS JACK & JILL HAD A BIGGER FOLLOWING THAN I KNOW OF
Identity is down to number three and I went to moviepooper.com to find out the ending to this movie and it’s unbelievable. Not because it’s amazing, but because it’s so fucking sad. Here’s a hint: in Adaptation it was ridiculed as the height of stupid, lame screenwriting. And just how is it that Amanda Peet got her name before the title with John Cusack and Ray Liotta? Seriously, who was she fucking on this film for that to happen. Both Cusack and Liotta have a career in quality films going back to the 80’s. Amanda Peet’s biggest claim to fame was being topless in The Whole Nine Yards. So again, who’s she fucking?
THIS IS WHY ALIEN 4 IS COMING
Anger Management is down to number four, followed by Holes at number five and I feared seeing Sigourney Weaver’s name on this because, as we all know, children’s films are the first sign of the end of your career. But she did this film at the request of her daughter…which opens another can of worms, as the character is the villain. What does it mean when your kid thinks you’ll make a great villain? Either she’s got issues with mommy or she’s going to make one hell of an agent.
YET ANOTHER CAREER COPPOLA KILLED ALONGSIDE HIS OWN
Malibu’s Most Wanted is down to number six, followed by Confidence at number seven and remember when Andy Garcia was the hot, new boy of the moment? Back when he had only one chin and didn’t look like a bullfrog? Back before we found out he was out of his fucking mind? Yeah. Good times. Good times. Funny how the film that was his break-out film, Internal Affairs, was part of Richard Gere’s big comeback year (same year as Pretty Woman). Now Richard Gere is still an A-list star and Andy Garcia is supporting fucking Ed Burns. It’s nothing to Dustin Hoffman, with his two Oscars. To him, this is just indie hipster cred to add to an already impressive career. For Andy Garcia it’s a much-needed job, because the next step is “Holes 2.”
YOU CAN PICK YOUR NOSE, BUT YOU CAN’T PICK YOUR RELATIVES
It Runs In The Family actually rises to number eight. I can only guess that the people who took their grandkids to see X-Men 2 just didn’t feel like sitting in the food court for an hour. And do you think Kirk Douglas’s other acting son---you know, the fuck up---is wondering why he wasn’t invited to be in this film? I mean, it’s not like anyone was going to say “No,” to Kirk and Michael Douglas if they wanted the script to be changed to include him. No, they just didn’t want his sorry ass around.
ACTUALLY ANY SOCCER WOULD SUCK
Bend It Like Beckham enters the top ten at number nine after being a huge hit in England and a decent indie hit here. Me, I couldn’t give two hours of my life to such an obvious, formula, feel-good movie. Ninety minutes, sure, but not two hours for “Girl power!” The only worse thing I can imagine is actually having to watch women’s soccer.
ONE BEHIND EVERY ROCK
Finally, Bulletproof Monk closes out the top ten at number ten and guess who co-wrote the comic book this was based upon? Gotham Chopra. Yep, Deepak’s kid wrote a spiritual comic book. I swear, it’s like porn; a dirt little secret that everyone has, but no one will admit to. Road To Perdition was a comic book that was rip-off of a Japanese comic book. Men In Black was a comic book and the upcoming League of Extraordinary Gentlemen was comic book. Freaking geeks are everywhere. Fear us!
NO, THE SONG IS CALLED “FAST CAR”
Not breaking the top ten is the indie film, Blue Car and it seems for better or worse, every director has to make at least one coming of age film. Leaning towards the worst is this first feature from writer/director, Karen Moncrieff. Despite good performances from her cast---especially the lead, Agnes Bruckner---there are few things more painful than sitting through the story of a teenage girl poet. I think teenage girl poetry is what composes the Third Level of Hell. And this movie is just as humorless as any “Bell Jar” reading adolescent can be. Granted the main character has a difficult life, but I’ve seen Holocaust movies that had more humor than this. You know things are bad when the only levity comes from a sociopathic criminal who rips our heroine off. His fifteen minutes of screen time are like a breath of fresh air, and believe me; the angst here does begin to suffocate you. Still Moncrieff gets some points for her downbeat attitude, because she bucks a movie trend by insisting that the teen fantasy of sleeping with an older man remain just that, a fantasy. A more painful and uncomfortable sex scene you’re not going to see.
IT RUNS IN THE FAMILY 2: ELECTRIC BUGALOO
So my brother and his wife were in town this week, which means I was once again forced to leave the house. And more than once too! Our big night out, however, was to see Dave Attell at Caroline’s. Joining us was their super-annoying Nephew (which, I guess makes him my nephew as well, thanks to our purely imaginary lineage). Why was he annoying? Well, because he’s 22, good-looking, smart, funny and kept nonchalantly topping us with stories of his life (so he saved a woman’s life once, big fucking deal). Not to mention he’s living somewhere rent-free on the Upper East Side and has a history of making instant connections in his jobs, that leads to more free shit. When I joked that we would have to kill him because his life was better than ours, it became his running joke of the night. “So, I won the Congressional Medal of Honor. What have you done with your life?” It’s okay, though. When someone is funnier than I am, I’ve grown to believe it’s because they’re overcompensating for a teeny penis. In any case, Caroline’s remains the overpriced tourist trap it’s always been, but this time it was worth it, because not only were two out of the three opening comedians funny, but Dave Attell put on a seriously long show (not to mention, two screaming assholes actually got thrown out, which is a rare treat). Though funny to the point where I couldn’t take one of my “minimum” two drinks if a joke were being told for fear it would come out of my nose (my favorite joke of the night: “But your mouth’s not pregnant.”), by the end I wanted him to leave the girl with no pubic hair alone (too long to explain) and end the show. I remain convinced that Richard Pryor was the only comedian ever who could successfully do more than 30 solid minutes onstage.
AMERICAN LIFE, HUH? IS THAT WHY YOU’RE IN FUCKING ENGLAND?
Both Madonna and McCauley Culkin have appeared on Will & Grace in the last two weeks and neither appearance was very impressive, Madonna’s least of all. Not being an actress, she should have just played herself. The writers could have done much more with it, but she only agreed to do the show if she could play an actual character. Their reply should have been, “That’s a might big if,” but answers like that are why I’m not working in television today. McCauley’s role was a bit funnier, but not by much. In fact, the funniest thing Madonna did that was Will & Grace related was her interview with Megan Muhally. Jeez, will the woman ever learn to just shut the fuck up!?! She’s just not getting any smarter and arrogance and self-absorption are just not as entertaining on a middle-aged person as they are on a young one. And her album sucks. Granted, this will lose me my “Half a Queer” standing, but it does suck. This whole electronica thing---which she adopted two years after it was over---just doesn’t work. The closest to good songs on the album are the title track “American Life” and the James Bond song, “Die Another Day.” And the title track could have been saved had they not run it through a computer and just done it with real instruments. Not to mention, removing that fucking rap. Also funnier than her Will & Grace appearance was the attack on her website. In case you missed it, she released a fake track on the Internet. If you tried to download her song, what you got instead was her saying, “What the fuck do you think you’re doing?” I could have told her the last thing you want to do is piss off geeks. We’re smarter than you are and we don’t have lives. The last thing you want is an angry brainiac with no sex life, hopped up on Sweet-tarts and Mountain Dew focusing in on you. This is what lead to her website being hacked and someone placing her entire album up for free downloading, along with the message, “This is what the fuck I think I’m doing.” Now that’s funny. I heard her TRL appearance was funny too (forgetting the words to “Like A Virgin”), but I missed it, having a job and all.
BECAUSE CHEWING IS OVERRATED
Speaking of geeks and soft drinks, I’m now addicted to that Tropical Sprite. It’s evil swill. So sweet, I can actually feel it corroding my teeth; it tastes like Tropical Fruit Bubble Yum. Yeah, nasty. And I can’t stop drinking it.
SHE’S HAVING A BABY
Finally, Nice Jewish Doctor is a mom. At 3:15 on May 2nd, she gave birth to an eight pound, 21 inch long baby boy. I went up to see them the next day at Columbia Presbyterian and mother and son are doing fine. It was such a nice day and I was in such a good mood, I decided to walk most of the way home. I started at the hospital at 168th and didn’t get on a train until I was in my old neighborhood of 96th street. Very interesting walk. Sing it with me people, “There is a rose in Spanish Harlem…” Needless to say, I had to call my Puerto Rican friend in Queens to discuss how I was communing with her people. Also, I was looking for a good cockfight. Needless to say, she felt the same sense of shame I would feel were you to go trolling around certain parts of the South. In other words, no one likes their friends rooting about in the family cellar. I can’t really mock the never-ending occurrence of men standing in front of parked cars with the windows down and the stereos blasting music, because the only difference between Latinos doing it and Black people doing it is that when Black people do it, the ground shakes. But I never saw a brutha playing along with maracas like I did that day. No, my favorite part would have to be running across Boricua College. I’m sorry, but is that really something to call a learning institution? I know nothing of Spanish, but she assured me it would be the equivalent of Black people have a place called “Ghetto College.” Eventually, however, the fun ended and it became the gentrified area of Columbia and Barnard, which has actually changed even in the time since I was there. And you know you’re in New York when you see a bakery called Nussbaum & Wu. I was reminded again of how I hate the young people, what with their youth and vibrance and futures all ahead of them. I hate them all.