6/23/2003
“I am better than my reputation” --- Friedrich von Schiller
SORRY, CHARLIE
Opening at number one, but with hardly the numbers they’d hoped, is Charlie’s Angels: Full Throttle. Let me put it this way: Cameron Diaz was paid $20M for this, Drew Barrymore gave herself $10M and Lucy Liu got about $5M (a century later and still our Asian bruthas and sistas are still getting coolie wages). This weekend’s take barely covers the casting budget and probably doesn’t if you factor in whatever they gave Bernie Mac. Why didn’t it do better? Well first of all, the original sucked in my opinion. It was only 90 minutes and I was still checking my watch. Yeah, it made $120M, but it cost freaking $90M to make. Hardly the hit they’d have you believe. Also, this has been so overhyped it’s painful. Who isn’t sick of seeing these three less-than-perfect women on the cover of every magazine to come down the pike. Cameron on Vogue, Drew on Vanity Fair, Lucy on…Self? Self Magazine is the best she could do on her own!?! Jeez. Even Kelly Hu got Stuff. Time for a new agent, Lucy. And what about their television appearances and interviews? Jesus. Spare me this “It’s just one big slumber party” bullshit. All this giggling with pet names just makes me want to vomit. After seeing any of them on any talk show, why the hell would you want to pay to see that same silly shit? The movie itself is the same sensory assault the first was, only ten times as much. There was some sort of plot going on but I lost it, because I thought Demi Moore was the bad guy, but then she disappears off the screen for an hour. And as far as her “hot body” goes, it’s really kinda pathetic. Yeah, it’s tight and muscular, but also hip and ass-free. When she and Cameron Diaz are standing on a beach in bikinis they look like two transvestite teenage boys. Not a fucking curve to be found. In fact, the prettiest member of the cast is a South American actor named, Rodrigo Santora. He’s the guy you see on the surfboard in the ads. The best thing about this movie is the trailer set to “My Sharona.” Stick with that and you’ll be fine.
A BEAUTIFUL HULK
The Hulk is down to number two dropping a massive 63%. I wish I could say I was surprised, but this movie is simply too goddamn long! Not to mention the bulk of it is spent inside Bruce Banner’s head. Not really where you want to set a summer movie based on a comic book. And is Jennifer Connelly going to get another Oscar, because she’s essentially playing the same role again, complete with a leading man from “down under.” She’s the girl friend of a brilliant scientist with a problem that renders him out of control. Sound familiar? And she does essentially the same thing here: cry and look sad…a lot. And now that the latest commercials reveal it, can I tell you of the geek wood I got when they had The Hulk speak (in a dream sequence) and say, “Puny human.” If they’d given me a “Hulk smash” or “Hulk is strongest one there is” I might have been able to forgive all the other flaws.
BECAUSE I’D NEVER, EVER GO THERE NORMALLY
Finding Nemo is down to number three and this week I managed to get the little squid girl, but sadly the promotion is over and I’ll need my contact to come through with the rest of the toys. On the upside, this means MacDonald’s won’t see my chubby ass again anytime soon…unless Spy Kids 3 has some really neat stuff.
YOU GET WHAT YOU PAY FOR. WELL, NOT REALLY
Bruce Almighty is down to number five, followed by 2 Fast 2 Furious at number six and this is an almost perfect juxtaposition of films. Bruce Almighty probably cost about $50M to make, with $20M going to Jim Carrey alone. He was the most expensive thing in the film and he more than made good on the investment. Even with a backend deal, the studio is making out on this. On the other hand, 2 Fast 2 Furious cost about $80M, which had to be the dumbest thing ever . The reason the original was such as success was because it was so fucking cheap! The budget was less than $40M and it made over $140M domestically alone ($200M worldwide). Now given that, as a rule, sequels make less, why the fuck would you double the budget for the second one? Especially this one, which really doesn’t have a star, per se. Paul Walker is pretty, but outside of some teenaged girls and gay men, who really knows him by name?
“WELL, I BELIEVE IN THE SWEET SPOT…”
The Italian Job is down to number seven , followed by Rugrats Go Wild at number eight and Hollywood Homicide at number nine and what the fuck happened to Ron Shelton? The man behind Bull Durham---one of the closest examples of an almost perfect movie you’ll ever find---is now doing this crap. It’s not a good year for him. First, he directed Dark Blue, which died so quickly earlier this year that I think it’s already on video. And coming up next is the screenplay for Bad Boys II and I’m sorry, I just don’t have a lot of hope for it. This could be the hat trick of failure for him. Looks like it’s time for another sports movie, where he’s batting .500 with Bull Durham and Tin Cup (replace Kevin Costner and you have a much better movie) on one side; Cobb and Play It To The Bone on the other and White Men Can’t Jump in the middle. On second thought, White Men Can’t Jump Sucked, so he needs to go back to either baseball or golf.
HIS CAREER DOESN’T QUITE GO TO 11
Finally, Alex and Emma closes out the top ten at number ten and this adds to the very hit-and-miss career of Rob Reiner. Yeah, I know his hits technically outweigh his failures, but When Harry Met Sally sucked then and it sucks now, and if you disagree with me you’re just fucking wrong. Why don’t you get an IQ out of the double-digit range and realize it was “Annie Hall for Dummies.” Still, I can never truly hate the man who directed This is Spinal Tap, The Sure Thing and The Princess Bride. I even enjoy The American President when it airs once a week on TNT.
WHAT’S KOREAN FOR “PRETTY IN PINK?”
Okay, name this movie: the bad boy falls for the good girl bookworm, he befriends her nerdy buddy and takes up a wimpy hobby in order to get closer to her; he hides this from his friends, he blows off his bad girl ex and ultimately finds his stature at school threatened by the presence of a new bad guy. Oh, and it happens in the 80’s. Give up? It’s Conduct Zero a Korean film made last year. Yes, high school is the same all over the world it seems. Bad boys and bad girls who smoke and chew gum and good girls and good boys who study hard and learn to play classical music. It begins with an over-the-top sequence wherein teenage boys re-account the legend of the reigning bad boy with a fight scene worthy of any Hong Kong action film, complete with a moment that could have been lifted straight out of The Matrix Reloaded (it then ends with another moment taken right out of Shane). After that, however, it pretty much turns into a straight forward romantic comedy, which embarrasses the shit out the average teen comedy done here, because it manages to accurately capture the tiny things about teenage relationships that make them unique (such as the two leads noticing each other’s shoes and then trying to match). It even ends with a nice little “Where are they now” bit. I saw this at the Asian American Film Festival with Movie Buddy ’98 (yes, it’s been that long) who actually had a short film there called “Kasya” and I can’t tell you about without ruining the surprise of it.
HOW COULD YOU NOT KNOW THE NAME OF JIM STERANKO!?!
So when one of my geek girls told me about a special on comic books on the History Channel, I was less than excited. They’re all the same with the same stories: “The creators of Superman were Jewish and got ripped off” “Comics almost died in the 50’s” “Serious depictions of race and drug in the 60’s” “New modern era in the 80’s” Blah, blah, blah. But this one was actually pretty good. Narrated by the gravel-voice of Keith David, I actually learned things I didn’t know, such as the creators of Superman being denounced by the Nazi party after they depicted Superman capturing Hitler. Also, it’s rare you see Jim Steranko anywhere (and if you don’t know who that is, don’t worry about it). Frank Miller and his book “Batman: The Dark Knight Returns” were brought up, but they left out the most important aspect of Frank Miller that Denny O’Neil (who’s also here) pointed out on the DVD for Unbreakable: Frank Miller hates superheroes. His “deconstruction” of superheroes is actually “destruction.” He hides it well, because he knows this show is about a love of comic superheroes, but Frank Miller does all he can to degrade Superman every chance he gets. And he’s an ugly bastard too. The segment of the show that goes into 9/11 was also interesting to me because it went into detail on how they changed the Captain America book because of it. Instead of a super-villain as month, he’s now fighting terrorists and occasionally the US Government. Again, what they left out is that the book now sucks ass! Captain America is now this angry asshole running around doing things completely out of character. I can’t stand it. Oh, I still buy it. Hell, I bought it in the 80’s when they turned him into a werewolf and Ronald Regan into a giant lizard Cap had to fight, so this is nothing to me. And it’s a mistake to bring Superheroes into reality too much because then you have to explain why they don’t solve problems overnight. With the Justice League or the Avengers, you don’t have wars. Thor or Superman can take out Afghanistan or Iraq by themselves. And in the case of Superman, do it with no casualties. So how do you explain why that doesn’t happen? You can’t, so stop acting like you’re some kind of fucking revolutionary genius for bringing more of the real world into comics. You’re not. People read comics to get away from this shit.
I HAVE TO LIVE THIS WAY; THAT MAN TOOK MY WIFE
Speaking of comics, I try to make it a habit of walking down to the village every Saturday, because it’s the closest thing I get to exercise. When I’m there, I usually swing by St. Mark’s comics and if I’m lucky, my dealer won’t be there and I can escape with money still in my pocket. I wasn’t so lucky this weekend. So, I’m leaving with an empty wallet and coming in is a very nice looking woman. Yeah, this is St. Mark’s Comics which has more women than any other comics shop in the city---which is to say it has women, period---but still, she was exception. First of all, she was my age. No excuse of youth. Secondly, she had no tattoos or weird hair. Third, she was in serious physical shape. You could bounce a quarter off of any part of her. Finally, she was Black. Sorry, but you just don’t see the sistas in funny book stores. In fact, I was once told I had no choice but to marry outside my race, because no self-respecting Black woman was going to let me keep a closet just for my comics. Now, given all these great things, you might wonder what the problem is. Well, the problem was the muscular 6’2” guy she came in with, who was looking intensely at the comic book racks. The guy IN THE SUPERMAN T-SHIRT. WHAT THE FUCK!?! THAT’S JUST NOT FAIR!!! Guys like that have no business coming into my world and taking the few women who will put up with geeks like me! Bastard! How dare he like superheroes and look like one!?! Hell, if I looked like that I wouldn’t read fucking comic books. I’d be out living a normal goddamned life! I haven’t been this upset since Billy Campbell said he liked comics. Someone who fucking looks like Superman and who likes reading Superman is just wrong. I was so upset I had to come home, rent some porn and make a pitcher of frozen margaritas.
“TALK ABOUT IT/POP MUSIC…”
While downtown I also picked the new album from Fountains of Wayne (had to do it on my debit card, thanks to my comic book fleecing). Why? ‘Cause I love the pop music, and when I say “pop music” I don’t mean that morose Brit-pop that screams “it always rains in this fucking country and our music reflects it,” so fuck you, Coldplay and Radiohead. My personal favorite so far is “Stacy’s Mom” which has the great chorus, “Stacy’s mom has got it going on.” You can’t beat that. I will not, however, be picking up Liz Phair’s blatant rush of the pop charts. I wasn’t a fan when she was an indie darling, I’m not a fan now. And if you openly want mainstream success, why are you singing songs called “Hot White Cum?” Anyone who buys the album because of the single is going to be a little shocked when that one pops up over their speakers (especially since it’s just called H.W.C. on the sleeve).
ONE MORE OPEN SEAT ON OLYMPUS
Holy. Fucking. Shit. Katharine Hepburn is dead. I never thought I’d live to see the day. Another icon has passed in just two week’s time. Well, unlike most, I’m not all that sad, because you do reach a point when it’s just fucking painful to be alive, especially when you see all your friends dying around you. She buried Spencer Tracy almost thirty years ago and Cary Grant almost twenty years ago. It may have well have been a case of Gregory Peck dying and her just saying, “Fuck this. I’m not going to be the last one out the door.” I know everyone else in the world thinks she’s the cat’s meow, but to me she was always a fucking blue-blood Yankee no matter what she did. Granted, she was proud of her Yankee roots, but to me it got to be annoying. I could only tolerate her when cut with a strong leading man. A strong leading man who wasn’t Spencer Tracy. All those Spencer Tracy team-ups seemed to end in Spencer Tracy proving her wrong. Very misogynistic, very contrary to what Katharine Hepburn’s basic nature seemed to be (then again, she was fucking someone else’s husband for 20 years, so how high could her self-esteem be) Granted, she wasn’t necessarily the voice of reason when she was with Cary Grant, but those weren’t outright “battle of the sexes” movies the way her pairings with Spencer Tracy were. Gonna have to watch The Philadelphia Story because fucking Bringing Up Baby isn’t on DVD yet. Oh, yeah. They’ll probably hop to it now that she’s dead, but otherwise I’ve got to wear out my videotape.
MALLORY KEATON’S BOOBS!
Finally, there’s a supremely annoying show on Showtime called Out Of Order, which is yet another chronicle of well-off White people and how miserable they make themselves despite having no real problems. I pop in on it for one reason and one reason only: the possibility of finally seeing Justine Bateman naked. Yeah, she was never the prettiest creature on god’s green earth, but she wore the hell out of some tight jeans on Family Ties. Well, last night she finally did and yes, they are nice. Thank you, cable!
6/23/2003
“Gimme four steaks, a dozen eggs, pound of bacon, three kegs of beer, fifteen potatoes, eighteen whores, seven cigars and a dish of chocolate ice cream.” --- Babe Ruth
PUNY HUMAN
The Hulk opens at number one and let me open up a big can of “geek” before I get started here. Ahhhh. That’s some good geek. Based on the long running Marvel Comics character, this movie can best be described as “a noble failure.” This means it wonderfully aims high, but its reach ultimately exceeds its grasp. As everyone knows, The Hulk is actually Bruce Banner, who, thanks to an intense dosage of gamma radiation, turns into a giant green guy who breaks shit and gets stronger as he gets angrier. In this film Bruce Banner is the result of his father, David Banner, who mucks about with his own DNA, which is then passed along to Bruce and is only activated by the gamma radiation. Now, when I learned this, I was already pissed. The origin of The Hulk in the comics was much less convoluted and actually much darker, as later writers integrated that fact that radiation can’t suddenly “give” you a new personality. The writer Peter David used the fact that most multiple personality disorders are usually caused by child abuse and made David Banner an abusive father who not only beats Bruce, but his mother as well and winds up killing her in front of him [Bruce]. Because of this, Bruce totally suppresses his anger in an effort not to be his father, which only makes the problem worse. Later, when David Banner is released from prison, he goes to live with Bruce and their dysfunctional relationships picks up right where it left off---until Bruce accidentally kills his father in a fight (it’s poetic justice, as David Banner falls and breaks his neck on his late wife’s tombstone). This is pretty much when The Hulk is born in Bruce’s subconscious. All the radiation does is let it out. Actually, I should say it’s when one of the many “Hulks” in Bruce’s mind is borne, as there are at least three, which range from the childlike (the big green one), to nasty (the gray Hulk) to flat out evil (the Maestro, which would take too long to explain here). In any case this story is much better than the one the movie uses. Not to mention shorter, as The Hulk doesn’t appear until 45 minutes in. But don’t worry, you still have another 93 minutes to go. Yes, it’s a long-ass movie, made all the longer by a total lack of humor on anyone’s part. Not to mention a cheesy script and Nick Nolte chewing up the scenery even more than usual. The CGI is actually better than you think, especially the fight scene in the desert, where Hulk takes on the army. The nighttime scenes not so much, due as much to the fact as it’s hard to animate shadows as much as he’s fighting killer poodles (you only wish I was kidding). In the end, this movie only made me appreciate the restraint and melancholy of the TVseries (especially that piano tinkling at the end of every episode), which I hated as a kid---though I never missed an episode. I’ll dissect this more over the coming weeks. Yeah, that was some good geek.
TELEGRAM
Finding Nemo is down to number two and last week I got Bruce the Shark in my happy meal. As many of you know, this is based on the fact that the mechanical shark from Jaws was nicknamed “Bruce.” Also, in this film he’s voice by Barry Humphries, who is better known as his character of Dame Edna. Or maybe not, as he died a quick death when he tried to bring it to the US a few years back. Him, Eddie Izzard, Monty Python and members of Parliament. Just what the fuck is it with the Brits (yeah, I know he’s Australian, but what’s the real difference) and dressing up like women!?! And they wonder why we think they’re all gay. P.S., Eric Bana is also in this, giving him the number one and two movies this week.
SEX SELLS
2 Fast 2 Furious is down to number three and breaking the $100M only means this film has just made its budget back. Not the prints (each print is about $2K) and damn sure not the advertising (which is at least $20M for a film like this). Maybe if they had some actual fucking nudity they’d make a little more money! I’m sorry, but I’m still pissed at this ongoing PG-13 madness that keeps pretty people fully clothed and off of each other. I guarantee you a nice little sex scene with Paul “Pretty Boy” Walker and whomever would have kicked this movie’s profits up another $10-20M. He’s currently on one of the two Premiere Magazine covers this month (Naomi Watts is on the other and the reasons for her fame continue to elude me) and personally I ‘d rather have his. That’s how hot he is right now.
IT’S A DICK THING
Bruce Almighty drops only one notch to number four and its $200M+ guarantees us a bunch of seriously shitty Oscar-begging movies from Jim Carrey in the future. He’s not going to stop anymore than Tom Cruise, especially when their exes keep getting nominated and winning.
BUT WHERE WAS OZ IN THAT LAST SEASON OF BUFFY?
The Italian Job is back up to number five and way to go all you Seth Green fans out there. Way to represent. If you need anymore proof that it’s just raining too goddamn much, this is it right here.
TIME TO MAKE ANOTHER R-E-A-L-L-Y-S-L-O-W MOVIE WITH WHATHISNAME
Rugrats Go Wild is down to number six and who thought that having Bruce Willis do the dog’s voice would make one bit of difference at the box office. Honestly, who out there thought, “You know, I wasn’t going to see that ugly-ass animated film until I heard Bruce Willis was going to be the talking dog.” No one, that’s who.
DUMB & BORING
Alex & Emma opens at number seven and thank god this puts the brakes on Kate Hudson’s career. Between this and the time she’ll have to take off for the baby (yes, that ugly-ass husband of hers finally managed to knock her up, despite the weed lowering his sperm count), all the damage done to this country by the horrid How To Lose A Guy In 10 Days just might be undone. But this is not a setback for Luke Wilson who had Old School before it and Legally Blonde 2 afterwards. And honestly, does it not look like the most boring piece of shit in the world? It’s based on the true instance of Fyodor Doyotoevsky, who had to turn up a novel to his publisher in 30 days or lose rights to all future works. He hired a stenographer and not only produced “The Gambler” but fell in love with her. Okay, here’s the real question: WHY NOT TELL THAT FUCKING STORY!?! It’s sound infinitely more interesting and has the virtue of being true, which only makes it more romantic.
LO, HOW THE MIGHTY HAVE FALLEN. HEH-HEH-HEH.
Hollywood Homicide drops three notches down to number eight, while Dumb & Dumberer does the same to number nine and am I the only person wallowing in the shaudenfreude of Harrison Ford’s fall from grace? Maybe it’s the earring, maybe it’s the dating of Calista Flockhart, or maybe, just maybe, I never recovered from the shit-storm that was Sabrina or his statement that Winona Ryder wasn’t too young to play his love interest in that film (she was briefly up for the role). Yeah, I think it’s that last one. You’re an old, old man (61 next month). Time to start acting like it.
THE SLOGAN OF THE NEW GEEK: AT LEAST I GOT LAID ONCE!
Finally, The Matrix Reloaded is down to number ten and has grossed over $600M worldwide and outgrossed the last Star Wars film (Attack of the Crap) domestically. The geek torch is being passed, boys and girls. And these new geeks have actually have sex. Granted, it’s weird, fucked up sex, but more than Lucas probably ever had (all his kids are adopted).
THE REPUBLICANS ARE RIGHT: SATAN IS BEHIND GIRL POWER
Not breaking the top ten and continuing to prove the unholy existence of Satan is From Justin To Kelly. Why? I mean it. Why? Now I can understand and actual attempt to make an American Idol movie, but to put these two in movie (and I’m sure it was a clause in their contracts that they never read) is just the saddest attempt to make a grab for money that I’ve ever seen. Well, that I’ve seen since The Real Cancun a few weeks ago. And these poor kids. They might as well have them sucking dick over by the West Side highway. I wouldn’t be any less degrading or less the act of a pimp. So, how long before it falls apart for both of them? The girl will be first because she’s a little thick in a world that’s not exactly forgiving of it. I foresee a coke problem brought on by pressures to be thin and the sudden discovery that Simon gets 99% of what she makes. This bastard helped create The Spice Girls, did you know that? Satan, it seem, is English (okay, so that one we knew) likes to wear tight t-shirts, but doesn’t like to work out.
F.Y.I.
How much do I like Pharell Williams and Jay-Z on “Frontin’?” This may have just have replaced The Roots’ “The Seed 2.0” as my new favorite song. Favorite line: “You know I was gon’ to tear yo’ ass up.”
“I’M SPECIAL/SPECIAL/SO SPECIAL/SPECIAL/I GOTTA HAVE SOME OF YOUR ATTENTION/GIVE IT TO ME…”
I hate VH1 and their arbitrary lists, but because Drea DeMatteo was hosting the latest one, I found myself actually watching The 100 Greatest Songs of the Last 25 Years (good cut-off point because it spares us all that fucking classic rock). It wasn’t bad. It’s always nice to hear great songs you haven’t heard in awhile and the little bits where musicians give you their top five songs was really nice (but what the fuck was LaToya Jackson doing there?), but it would have been more appropriate if they’d titled it “Most Important” because while I don’t think “Smells Like Teen Spirit” was “the greatest song of the last 25 years” it was certainly one of the most important, because it completely changed the musical landscape for a few years. By the same token something that actually smelled like teen spirit, “Hit Me Baby One More Time” was also important and signaled the beginning of an equal, if not greater change. Same for Eminem, Run DMC and a few others. They weren’t the greatest songs ever written, but their success let you know that the pop charts were going to be different for the next few years. Also, just hearing “Brass In Pocket” made me take my bass out of the closet and learn it. It’s only four chords---like most of the greatest songs of the last 25years.
“SHORT PEOPLE GOT NO REASON/NO REASON TO LIVE…”
So there was an article about short people in the NY Times Editorial section. Actually it was about the FDA approving a drug for children who may not grow beyond 5’3” otherwise. Now, while on one hand I approve (and wonder where the fuck it was when I was a kid) because it’s an established fact that taller men always win elections over shorter men and that women usually list tall as the first of positive male attributes (then you bitches have the nerve to complain when we say “large breasts”--- at least you can buy breasts). But by the same token, it’s our flaws (real or imagined) that propel us to do greater things. I mean, who you do think is smarter and funnier: Jon Stewart or Paul “Pretty Boy” Walker? Actually, that’s not fair. Let’s say Jon Stewart or Adrian Brody? You think Jon Stewart would have bothered thinking of one single joke if he could get laid as easily as those two men? You think I’d be writing this shit every week if I cleared six feet? Hell no! And thank you, New York Times, for establishing 5’9 1/2” as the American male average. That just gives us shorter than that a warm feeling inside…and another reason to nurture our burning hatred for the world.
“I WANT’ MUSCLES” WELL, NOT REALLY.
So, I was going to do another two-week trial at Bally’s Gym, but I completely blew it off. Unfortunately for me, they don’t let you go as easily and called me up offering another free week if I stopped by. Considering it’s only my way home, I really don’t have much of an excuse. Besides, they have a pool. Strike One: it’s in a fucking basement. The Ballys in my neighborhood sits in the basement of Worldwide Plaza. And it feels like a fucking basement. Grey and confined. Jesus, at least paint it at bright color. And by Jesus, I mean the guy who worked there. No, not Jesus as in “hey-seuss”, but Jesus as in “geez-us.” And he was fat. Strike Two: how can you trust a fat guy who works at a gym? Unless he was twice as fat as when he started working there, it’s not a good sign. In any case, I supposedly have an appointment to go back, but I’m not going to make it. This, I promise you. Why? Strike Three: the 30 Day Deal they offer on TV is better than the deal Jesus offered me. Get your shit together, guys.
MANSSERIE
Sex & The City’s final season began and I made a martini to commemorate it (okay, two). Fine, so it was a pussy apple-caramel martini, but that’s the kind of drink they have on the show, so it’s okay. It was good episode and the one-liners flew with regularity, but I’m still not buying Charlotte and the Jewish guy. Not simply because he’s Jewish, but because he’s just so fucking ugly. But hey, I believe the Miranda/Steve relationship is total writer’s bullshit too, but that’s obviously something they love and are going to force no matter how out of character it is. And can I share how annoying this “sex with bras” is to me? It would be one thing if they were really nice bras, but they’re ugly bras, so they would have to come off. Any why would you show your ass but not your breasts? Wait. Let me think of that. Actually, I’d rather show my ass these days than my growing “man-breasts” so forget I said anything.
GET A REAL JOB ALREADY!
It was also the return of Project Greenlight and you may be asking, “Hey, Angrygeek, why didn’t you enter Project: Greenlight?” Well, look at the judges. Matt Damon, Ben Affleck and some asshole from Blockbuster? These muthafuckas will never fucking judge me. Besides, could you see the disaster brewing if I won? ‘Yo, what’s that big JLo ass taste like? By the way Daredevil sucked my left nut…and poorly at that. What’s it like being a more attractive version of ‘Marky Mark?’ Which is to say, ‘what’s it like being fucking ugly?’ Blockbuster sucks. I’ll be killing your monkey ass right after the ceremony.” Fun to watch, shit to live. And how could Ben Affleck not choose a script about strippers, written by strippers!?! I would have chosen them just for the hell of it. I personally preferred the director who took the nonsense script and made it into a “devil possession” thing or the Kennedy assassination guy, not simply the guys who could get Ray Wise to be in their little video filled with special effects. They obviously chose style over substance. A friend of mine once said there’s a reason you need an agent because artists don’t need to be in contact with the money men. Watching the writers and directors self-destruct because they so desperately needed an intermediary was sad indeed. That would also be me, kids. The little man in your head who stops you from saying all that you’re thinking died long ago for me. Sixth grade, I think.
IT’S GOTTEN THIS BAD
Aside from the great Frank Gorshin, it’s poor celeb sightings…Treat Williams on the Upper West Side with a big band-aid on his head…Illeana Douglas must live in my neighborhood, ‘cause I keep seeing her around here…Kevin Corrigan walking near the Amish Market…David Strathairn in the Amish Market, obviously grabbing some soup before going onstage in Salome. Still waiting for him to tell Marisa Tomei and Pacino how good it is.
6/17/2003
“A meal without flesh is like feeding on grass.” --- Indian proverb
“I AM A ROCK/I AM AN ISLAND…”
Finding Nemo returns to number one and my contact has come through. He’s getting me got Bloat! In addition, I got Marlin in another Happy Meal! And no, your taunts of “What the fuck is wrong with you, you 36-year-old loser?” won’t change a thing.
IT’S NOT JUST THE MEN WHO ARE DUMB AND PRETTY
2 Fast 2 Furious is down to number two and why the fuck is Eva Mendes on the cover of GQ? I mean, what the fuck has she done? She was Denzel’s mistress in Training Day and is Paul “Pretty Boy” Walker’s love interest here. How does that warrant the cover of GQ? Wouldn’t it make more sense to have Paul “Pretty Boy” Walker and Tyrese on the cover in some nice suits? And she’s a moron to boot. The interview is filled with choice quotes like, “Feminism is great and all that, but I like to owned.” Wonderful, Eva. I’m sure there’s many a man who feels the same way and will have no problem beating the shit out of you every time you forget that they own your dumb ass. And can I mention how unattractive Devon Aoki is again? This is not to say she doesn’t look decent with her legs spread akimbo while wearing a tartan mini-skirt, but who the hell wouldn’t? I don’t think Liz Hurley can make a movie without wearing one.
HEY YOU GUYS!
Bruce Almighty holds at number three as Jim Carrey eats comedy crow all the way to the bank (does anyone else remember the commercial of him trying to use 9/11 to see fucking The Majestic). And when you question the progress of Black people in film, just look at Morgan Freeman’s resume. General, Forensic Psychiatrist, Director of the CIA, Easy Reader (by the way, Joan Rivers narrated Letterman and Gene Wilder did his voice) and now God. Granted, he’s never the lead and I don’t think he’s ever kissed a woman onscreen, but when a brutha can play the president and God and have people not even blink, you know some progress has been made.
WHEN YOU’RE GOOD, YOU DON’T HAVE TO PANDER
Opening at number four is Rugrats Go Wild and to show you how sub-par the animated product is that doesn’t come from Disney, you only need look at their advertising. Disney and Pixar get A-list stars to do their voices, but you won’t see one ad ever mentioning this, because it’s not about the stars; it’s about the characters. On the other hand, you can’t see one fucking ad for this movie without Bruce Willis’s name being mentioned and he’s not even a main character. That’s why it made less than half of Finding Nemo its first week, when Finding Nemo has been out for three. Not to mention the art for the Rugrats and Wild Thornberrys (this film is a crossover of the two groups) is now and always has been, bordering on the grotesque. I’m a simple kid. I like the pretty, pretty things.
NOW HE MAKES THE KESSEL RUN IN 24 PAR-SECS, SOMETIMES 36 (YES, I KNOW THE USE OF PAR-SEC IS WRONG)
Hollywood Homicide opens at number five and it’s a sad day when it happens, but it does happen to everyone eventually: Harrison Ford’s career as an A-list leading man is over. Do you hear me? Oh-vuh! While it’s smart that he’s beginning the Sean Connery stage of his career---that is bringing in a younger man to do the heavy lifting of the 18-34 demographic---Sean started doing so when he was in his fifties. Harrison’s a decade overdue and it may be too late. Not to mention he’s doing it all wrong. You’re supposed to be playing the mentor or father figure, not trying to compete with stud boy. I refused to see this because Harrison Ford just looked so stupid trying to run around with Josh Hartnett in the commercials. I said it years ago, but no one would listen. It’s time to play Ben Affleck’s dad, dude.
ANYBODY HERE REMEMBER H.L. MENEKEN?
Opening at number six is Dumb and Dumberer: When Harry Met Lloyd. And if you’re asking why this piece of crap exists, know that the 12-year-old mentality that loved this, went on to love Austin Powers, which was built on a similar stupid sense of humor that everyone but me seems to enjoy. It only makes sense they thought the same audience that liked the scatological humor in Austin Powers would like it anywhere else. The only thing that might have saved this film was the original idea of having the guys at South Park write it, but they saw the writing on the wall and checked out early.
CAN YOU SEE HIM TELLING KEANU, “YOU’RE CUTE. I CAN WHY SHE LIKES YOU”
The Italian Job is down to number seven, followed by The Matrix Reloaded at number eight and speaking of Sean Connery, he was offered a role in The Matrix and Lord of the Rings. Now, Ian McKellen not withstanding, I can see him in LOTR, but who the hell could he have played in The Matrix? The Oracle? That’s about the only person not flying around and kicking people in the head.
GEEK SEMANTICS
Daddy Day Care is down to number nine with X2: X-Men United closing out the top ten with the most redundant sub-heading it the world. If they weren’t fucking “united” they wouldn’t be the “X-Men” to begin with, now would they? I know the title refers to the teaming up with Magneto, but in that case it should have been called “X2: Mutants United.” Sorry, but this is the kind of little shit that tries an angry geek’s patience. But I’m not so angry I join the legions of those losers who feel the need to point out every little inconsistency in the film and build fucking websites around it. Yes, I could see the adhesive holding on Hugh Jackman’s muttonchops too, but who gives a shit!?! Ironically, the movie that’s probably going to push this out of the top ten is going to be The Hulk, which had “incredible” taken out of its title the same way “uncanny” was removed from “The X-Men.”
“I’M OUTTA LUCK, OUTTA LOVE/GOTTA PHOTOGRAPH/PICTURE OF…”
Okay, so what is it about having a digital camera that makes you think, “You know, I just don’t have enough pictures of myself naked?” Due to the influence of the Former Miss Pretty Boy, I bought a digital camera (I can feel her gloating from here). I’ve been thinking about it since Christmas, but as one of my geek girls once pointed out to me, “You know, I don’t think I’ve ever seen you with a camera in your hand.” Excellent point. I rarely take photos and even when I do, they can literally sit in my camera for a year before I complete the fucking roll. I had pictures from Nice Jewish’s Doctor’s July wedding (which, as we all know I missed because I was wandering the halls looking for it), her reception at Tribeca Grill months later, Christmas with my family and finally two shots of Around the Way Girl that I took this March just to finish off the roll. On the other hand, having digital camera means I pretty much am free from “finishing the roll” problems and I have my photos ready for emailing instantly, instead of having to fucking scan them all the time. I did my research on www.cnet.com and narrowed it down to a few choices. I then made the rounds of the local stores price comparing before finally finding a Nikon CoolShot 2000 on ebay for $78. Granted, I had to buy all the accessories, which pushed it up to $120, but I also sold a bunch of useless shit in my house for a total of $54, which puts my total cash outlay at $66. Since I got it, I’ve only had two legit uses for it; the rest have been something you might just find in your email if you piss me off. Former Miss Pretty Boy’s got a picture of my hairy ass headed her way for getting me into this.
SOMETIMES THE MOUNTAIN WILL COME TO YOU
One of the two legitimate uses of my new camera was a meeting with The Girl Next Door. No not my apartment neighbor, but literally the girl who lived next door to me when I was in high school. She was in New York on business and gave me a call. Needless to say, it took me 24 hours to get back to her simply because I forgot about it, but I did finally see her---but not before mistaking a woman 20 pounds heavier for her because I was expecting the worst. She didn’t change much from high school, which is going to drive a lot of people crazy since she was always tall and thin. Bitch is still thin. That’s why I’m glad we met at The Little Pie Company. If you’re not fat like me, I’m gonna make you fat like me. It seems our 20-year reunion is just around the corner and she’s already started working on it, but was disappointed our former classmates on classmates.com weren’t responding to her. I had to tell her not every one is exactly proud of where they are right now and aren’t rushing to share this with others. Oddly enough, even though I only speak to one person from high school, I still had better gossip about the failures of our former classmates. Maybe because I enjoy it more. Heh-heh-heh.
IT DOESN’T EVEN HAVE PICTURES IN IT
Speaking of Nice Jewish Doctor, her friend the legitimate writer, Leah Hager Cohen, recent had a book reading for her latest novel at Barnes & Noble. Back when I was young and delusional enough to think I’d be one too, I decided I was infatuated with Leah and we’d have a Dashiell Hammett/Lillian Hellman type of relationship. Needless to say, she had the good sense to turn my geek ass down and has gone on to write two novels and three books of non-fiction. I, on the other hand, do this shit for you people. To further emphasize my loss, her father, who taught at a school for the deaf (Leah’s grandparents are deaf and her first book,”Train Go Sorry” was about the Lexington School where her father taught and grandfather attended), grew up with Ralph Lauren in the Bronx and was asked recently to head one of his charity organizations. Needless to say, free clothing comes with the deal and he was there in a beautiful ensemble that probably cost more than my yearly salary. Leah has a way with words, and while her books are beautifully written (I talked The Otter Queen into reading the novel, “Heat Lightening” and she liked it), I find them a tad…boring. Sorry, but I do. I bought the book anyway, because it simply would have been rude not to (damn southern upbringing!) and had her sign it, but I know I’ll never read it. Hell, I’ve got a two-foot stack of comic books I haven’t read yet. Oh, there was another author there as well and he read from his book along with his fiancée. He read the male protagonist’s part and she the female. It was spectacularly useless and stupid and I wanted to get up and slap the shit out of both of them.
MORE “KUL-CHER”
So my roommate was in another off-Broadway play,”Busted Jesus Comix,” which means I was once again obligated to dip my toe in theater. To me theater is a lot like vegetables: it’s good for you, but really would rather have some chips. Also, when it’s good you wonder why you don’t have it more---until you have it bad and swear never to touch it again. In any case, while I usually enjoy her work, I wasn’t looking forward to four small plays about being gay. Sorry, but that’s what I was expecting. Hell, I won’t see plays by Black people for that same fucking reason. It’s usually just them bitching about how unfair the world is and how horribly they’re treated. And almost always autobiographical. Newsflash: your life isn’t as interesting as you think. In any case, “Bust Jesus Comix” was actually very good. I was very pleasantly surprised (a great side effect of low expectations). But my biggest surprise came with the first play, the one in which my roommate stars. Her co-star was someone I knew: The Nice Guy. The Nice Guy briefly dated another friend of mine; best know as Hot Brainy Latina, who had a penchant for adventurous sex and not wearing any underwear. In any case, Hot Brainy Latina had just come out of a bad relationship with a guy who annoyed me so much on our first meeting, I could barely contain my dislike for him, and I’m usually very good at that. In any case, he was a fuckhead and when it was over the best thing for her was a really nice guy---and she found him. Anyway, around the time they broke up (don’t worry, she found another nice guy and married him) he’d made the decision that, not only was he going to be an actor, but was starting a theater group. As her friends we, of course, were horrified. You don’t want your friends even dating an actor to begin with, much less one who up and decides to become one. In any case, while this by no means makes me wrong, Nice Guy has made good. He’s a good actor and his company put on a good show. So good, in fact, it was actually held over for a week. While my favorite segment was, of course, the one starring my roommate, I had a special affection for the segment about the bitter, dying gay man and his afternoon with his lover’s best friend, who hated him. The bitter dying gay tells the story of a friend of his who had AID and was fighting it---until he read “The Hours.” Then he decided to kill himself by walking into the sea. He hated the book because of that. I actually liked the movie, but will never watch it again and will never read the book, because to me too, it’s for melodramatic queens and teenage girls. The final segment from which the title is derived is based on the actual case of “Boiled Angel” wherein a guy wrote a comic that was declared obscene in Florida. You may have read about it in the Village Voice. In this case, however, “Busted Jesus Comix” is about the teenage author trying to get a job at a coffee shop in New York and his job interview helps tell the story behind the comic and his prosecution for writing it. It’s well done and filled with comic book references that only real fanboys will get, but it seems a bit out of step with the other three plays with its flashbacks and fantasy sequences of the comic brought to life. The others were all very low-key and minimalist. But you’ll never know since the run has ended. Sorry. Go see Hairspray or something.
THIS IS MY FENDER; SHE’S ONLY A YEAR OLD
Mariah Carey doing a cover of Def Leppard’s “Bringing on the Heartbreak?” Why, God, why? Needless to say, it sucks, sucks, sucks. The worst part? At the end, where normally guitar trills are going on? She’s doing that fucking screeching that only dogs can hear…I bought Annie Lennox’s new album and I like it. Of course I love Annie Lennox and she can do no wrong with me and I’ve only listened to it once, but I’m sure it’s good…Beyonce’s new song sucks. Only the horn samples work. But I could watch her video (with the sound off) forever. How cruel is it that someone as ugly as Jay-Z touches that every night? She’s been working out too (as shown on VH1). Now if only someone would teach her English…Just when you thought fucking Train would go away for could they pull another song out of their asses. It might as well be called “Drops of Jupiter Part II.”…I have to give Sugar Ray credit. Any song that samples both Sweet and Midnight Starr (the opening guitar riff from “Love is Like Oxygen” behind “No Parking On The Dance Floor”). But this isn’t how they make it. They make it with more laidback type of pop. Guarantee you the follow-up single will be just that…Britney, Beyonce, Mya, JLo, Ashanti, the new, heavier Christina and now Kelly Clarkson. Yes, we are now living in the age of the pop star with back. No, Mariah Carey has no ass. She’s like a six lane highway: wide, but flat…Jewel’s new song doesn’t completely annoy me and if you don’t get that the video is satire, then you’re a moron…Finally, in example of balance in the universe, my guitar instructor taught me Al Green’s “Let’s Stay Together” the day after I taught myself “Escape---The Pina Colada Song.” And did I mention the first thing I took a picture of in my apartment (even before my penis) was my guitar? Again, your cries of “Loser!” fall on deaf ears. If you owned a guitar you’d understand.
SAVED FROM SAVING MYSELF
So, just when summer reruns are here and it’s getting so bad that I may be forced to leave the apartment, I find a new reason to stay in: Keen Eddie. It’s about a New York cop who goes to London to solve a case and winds up staying. Needless to say, you’ve got the obligatory culture conflict and the bickering with the beautiful girl who shares his apartment with him (gee, you think they’ll end up together?), but what saves this show is its intelligence. No one is stupid. He’s not some dumb mook showing up the Brits with his unconventional tactics. He’s just doing a good job, not breaking the rules and getting it done, which is why he’s asked to stay. Even the love/hate relationship with his roommate is handled well. The one thing it could stand to lose are the Guy Richie camera effects. We don’t watch his films here in America, so lay off. My personal favorite aspect of the series is Eddie’s sexual infatuation with the secretary of his captain. He calls her “Moneypenny” and this takes on a new level when you realize the captain is the Black guy at MI6 in the current James Bond films. It makes sense because English brunettes (Elizabeth Hurley, Jacqueline Bisset, Kate Beckinsale) are always much hotter than their blonde counterparts.6/10/2003
“Apology is only egotism the wrong side out.” ---- Oliver Wendell Holmes
2 STUPID 4 WORDS
2 Fast, 2 Furious opens at number one and I was no real fan of the original. Bad acting, bad writing and bad direction had a dissimilar effect on me than it did the millions of people who made it into a hit. See, I was bored! I don’t mind bad movies (if I did, half my DVD collection would have to go), but it was boring. It was a lame remake of another movie that bored me once, Point Break. I actually wasn’t bored this time. It’s not much to say it’s better than the original, but it is. The loss of Vin Diesel doesn’t bother me, nor does the loss of his overrated charisma. I’m no fan of Tyrese, but his does his “I’m Pissed” persona well during this film and was much more fun to watch. Paul “Pretty Boy” Walker remains a bland piece of eye candy and given that’s his job, you’d think they’d get his shirt off more than once (same for Tyrese). There are many more action sequences here and it flows well. They’re much better off not trying to make stupid drama with actors whose skills are not up to the job like the first one (“I live my life one quarter mile at a time, “ remains one of the classic bad lines delivered by a bad actor). And while male beauty takes a step up with Tyrese replacing Vin Diesel, female beauty remains 50-50 with Eva Mendes and Devon Aoki replacing Jordana Brewster and Michelle Rodriquez. Eva Mendes is pretty, but generic, while Devon Aoki (daughter of Benihana creator, Rocky Aoki) is not even remotely pretty and needs to keep her oddly tiny mouth shut. To hear her Valley girl accent speaking “gangsta” was just painful. I’ll say it again for you, America: just because someone is Asian and better looking than Yoko Ono, it does not make her attractive. Get the fuck over it.
HE WHO DIES WITH THE MOST TOYS WINS
Finding Nemo is down to number two and it’s really hard to talk about what makes this movie so great without giving away all the great jokes that pop up. But one thing we can all rejoice in is the continuing lack of musical numbers in Disney films. I hate those godawful fucking songs. May they never punish our ears again. I just hope my Happy Meal contact comes through, so I can stop buying those damn “heart bombs” just to get the toy. Okay, so I do like fries, but I’m too old to eat that shit every day. I mean, maybe if I worked out I could eat it, but we know that’s not going to happen, don’t we? So far I have Dory and two Nemos. Personally, I want the little girl squid who complains to her friends “Aw, guys. You made me ink.”
GOD HATES FRIENDS TOO
Bruce Almighty is down to number three and Jennifer Anniston is pretty much making it clear she will be the only member of the Friends cast to have anything resembling a big screen career, even if it’s not as a lead. The rest you’ll be seeing in all new, all lousy sitcoms in the years to come.
AN ACTOR’S DILEMMA: SUCCEED IN AN ENSEMBLE OR FAIL AS A STAR
The Italian Job is down to number four and there’s so little to this film that I really have nothing left to say about it, except that maybe it’s halted the big screen skid of the careers of Charlize Theron and Mark Wahlberg. Charlize Theron was once positioned as the next big thing, but then made a bunch of bad movies with A-list male leads who emerged unscathed (Ben Affleck, Keanu Reeves, Matt Damon, Will Smith, Johnny Depp). It didn’t help that the pathetic magazine of male menopause, Esquire, did two cover stories on her in one year (the writer was a super creep who actually became fixated on a friend of mine). Mark Wahlberg had three high profile flops in a row with Planet of the Apes, Rock Star and The Truth About Charlie. The problem is, these people really aren’t A-listers. They’re just B-listers who got lucky once or twice, but are incapable of carrying a film on their own. Hell, even Walhberg’s hits were all ensemble pieces, from Boogie Nights (which he got because Leonardo DiCaprio decided to do Titanic) to Three Kings to A Perfect Storm.
AND THE IRONIC THING IS, I WANT TO BE CARY GRANT
The Matrix Reloaded is down to number five and I couldn’t for the life of me figure out why the Wachowskis like us people of color so much. It took my Puerto Rican friend to point out that, in the mind of some little white geek, what could be cooler than to be Laurence Fishburne or Jet Li (who the studio refused to hire for the first film and who turned down the sequels because he didn’t want to give up a year of his life)? Hell, even their choice of leading man, Keanu Reeves is of Pacific Islander descent (usually co-opted as Asian). And if you’ve ever seen the brothers, you understand why they’d rather be anyone than themselves.
SPEAKING OF B-LISTERS IN AN ENSEMBLE CAST
Daddy Day Care is down to number six, followed by X2 at number seven and isn’t it a bit late for Kelly Hu to be appearing on the cover of some magazine (Stuff) in her underwear? First off, her body is almost as two-dimensional as her acting, so there’s really not that much to see; and second, could be it be more obvious she’s not part of the A-list babes of Halle Berry, Rebecca Romijn Stamos and Famke Janssen? They appeared together on a magazine cover over a month ago. Or is this some part of the marketing strategy to go for the “second wind” a month after release? It hurts me that I could even think of that. Since I have no real business acumen and never could have thought of it first, it means that probably is the case. Sigh. So, who’s going to have their ass hanging out in July and August? Ian MacKellen on the cover of OUT in a pair of boxer briefs? The sad thing is, he’d do it. In any case, I do like Kelly Hu because 1) she’s actually my age (she turned 37 last month); and 2) isn’t passing on doing big, dumb comic book movies because she wants to be “taken seriously as an actress” (she’s next up for movie based on the comic book Shi, which I’ve never read). In her little interview between lingerie shots (ugly lingerie, by the way) she reveals that Don Johnson hit on her, not at their first meeting but after a few drinks; Val Kilmer had a crush on her during the shooting of The Doors, but felt too nervous to approach her and, of course, rice-buster supreme Oliver Stone hit on her.
SAY AREN’T YOU…? NO? WELL THEN, WHO CARES?
Wrong Turn is down to number eight and also starring in this is Emmanuelle Chriqui, the girl most likely to be mistaken for Jamie-Lynn Sigler at a mall, as I’ve done it more than once every time she pops up in something on cable. And when was the last time you saw a movie with no blondes? This must have seriously slipped in under the radar.
BUT AT HER AGE SHE’S JUST HAPPY TO BE WORKING REGULARLY
At number nine is The In-Laws and making an appearance here is Candace Bergen, who was once the “it” blonde girl, a second generation show business princess who has now segued into a career of playing cranky bitch mom types. She’s the bitter editor to Sarah Jessica Parker on Sex & The City, was Reese Witherspoon’s potential mother-in-in law in Sweet Home Alabama and now she’s Michael Douglas’s bitter ex-wife here. Of course he can only have a woman his own age as a wife when it’s not really about their relationship.
WHAT WORLD OUTSIDE NEW YORK?
Finally, Bend It Like Beckham holds on to number ten and recently David Beckham and his wife have been the toast of NYC, much to the befuddlement of my Surrogate Sister. I had to explain to her that, outside of the US, the man is like fucking Michael Jordan. Whole fashion trends start based on what he’s wearing one particular day. And to top it off, he married the really, really skinny Spice Girl when she was still super-hot. They’re like royalty in England, with people trying to kidnap them and shit. Like most citizens of the last remaining super power, I could give a shit about them, but if you want an overseas spokesman for your product, you couldn’t do better than him, so this is why they’re being so heavily courted in the US. There’s only one thing I really like about them and it’s their shallowness. When he worried about some public criticism he’d received, she consoled him with the fact that his critics were “probably ugly” and therefore not worth thinking about. Now you can’t argue with that kind of logic.
A BIG GEEK PACIFIER
To ease the wait between Matrix movies, we have The Animatrix, a collection of nine animated shorts about the world of The Matrix, released on DVD last week. Being super, super geeks, The Wachowski Brothers got their favorite Japanese Anime directors to do the shorts. The results are mixed but mostly good. The flagship segment, from the people who brought you the Final Fantasy movie, is “Final Flight of the Osiris” which actually serves to explain certain aspects in The Matrix Reloaded. And it reinforces the Wachowski’s love of people of color, as it begins with a Black man and an Asian woman engaged in strip combat, where they duel with swords and slowly cut each other’s clothes off. It’s a nice scene, but definitely lifted from a film I can’t remember. Anyone? Bueller? Also, just as it’s about to give us the sex we’re lacking, the action has to start. Damn! Now I have to watch it again…and again…and again. It also makes me want to go back to kendo, but they really don’t teach you that. Also, if you’re wondering where that kid who greets Neo and Trinity when they return to Zion came from, it’s here (“Kid’s Story”). There’s also a segment explaining how the Matrix arose (“The Second Renaissance Parts I & II”), showing the war between humans and machines. The rest are unconnected to the film, though Trinity does pop up in a very neat black-and-white neo-Philip Marlowe segment called, simply “A Detective Story.” One of best, “Program” comes from the director of Ninja Scroll, my absolute favorite anime film (so fuck all you Akira fans). If you liked Aeon Flux on MTV (who was kind of a Trinity precursor), that director also has a segment here called “Matriculated.” Be warned: happy endings are few and far between. After all, if they were, then Neo’s story wouldn’t be special, now would it?
THEY’RE ALL ON THE “DIRTY SHELF”
Other DVD’s purchased were Die Another Day, which I threw in immediately to watch Halle’s great Ursula Andress scene. I’ll get to the rest…eventually. Believe it or not, I actually bought Two Weeks Notice (bringing our total up to 260---not counting the porn). It’s as close as I’ll get to ever having Notting Hill in my house, as I don’t hate Sandra Bullock the way I do Julia Roberts. Maybe it’s because she lacks a giant, scary vein in her head. Most notable is the wedding between Hugh Grant and Sandra Bullock, which was cut from the film. It’s funny, but I can see why they dropped it. Supposedly, the commentary Hugh Grant and Sandra Bullock for the film is equally funny, but I really don’t have the time for DVD commentary anymore. It’s got to be something really, really geeky for me to do that. And due to an incident when my friend brought her 8-year-old son over, I separated the porn out of the main collection. Not that I think just seeing a box called Perverted Point of View #3 (a series shot entirely from the point of view of the guy, which means no ugly porn men to look at) is going to warp his mind, it’s just that it’s going to cause him to ask his mother questions she’s not ready to answer just yet (“Mom, what’s a perverted point of view?”). This, in turn, will make her come after my ass. Still, out of respect to the Married New Jersey Housewife, I left the “Where The Boys Aren’t” titles in with the rest. Deep Inside Ashlyn Gere, Deep Inside Janine, Deep Inside Kobe Tai and Deep Inside Heather Hunter all had to be moved though.
“I’M HOLDING ON FOR A HERO TILL THE MORNING LIGHT…”
I finally sat down and watched Hero, which as I’ve said before, was China’s entry for Best Foreign Film at last year’s Oscars, but was given jack shit in the way of support by Miramax. Imagine if you crossed a western with Roshamon and made every flashback sequence a different color. That’s what this film is like. My copy is seriously Chinese, which means it has English subtitles, but the directions to find them are all in Mandarin! Also, there’s no translation for the text, which opens and closes the film. It’s very important, because it gives the film context in Chinese history. See, it takes place when China was made up of six warring kingdoms. Two of the warring kingdoms are Qin and Zhao. Jet Li has come to the king of Qin because he’s killed three of the best assassins in the world, all of whom were out to kill the king. With the story of each battle and victory, Jet Li is allowed to move closer to the king, which is important because normally, no one is allowed within 100 paces. However, as he gets 10 paces away, the king reveals that he knows Jet Li is lying, that he’s actually an assassin whose goal was to get that close in order to kill him and the dead warriors were in on it. And now you’re only halfway through the movie as now the plan is explained. As I said before, the flashbacks to the stories of the battles are each a different color and incredibly beautiful. One is red, and every character wears red. Another is pale blue, and every character wears pale blue. In the green flashback sequence, even the water is dyed green. Sadly, the film lacks any semblance of a sense of humor. Everyone is very solemn and noble and more than once the film becomes this incredibly pretentious effort. Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon was solemn, serious and beautiful too, but even it had the big barroom brawl sequence and people did occasionally smile. Speaking of which, Zhang Ziyi is also in Hero along with a cast of Hong Kong superstars: Jet Li, Maggie Cheung, Tony Leung (who also starred with Maggie in In the Mood For Love) and Donnie Yen.
“WE ARE FAMILY…”
So my Surrogate Sister (a name she hates, which I why I’ll keep using it) came to see me and we watched the MTV Awards together. It was better than normal, because I’d taped it, which means no fucking commercials. Award shows and beauty pageants are always better with friends because you can get drunk and yell at the screen together (as opposed to the sad spectacle of being drunk and alone and yelling at the screen that Miss Arizona or Juilanne Moore was robbed). And if you think I’m cruel, you’ve never met her. Imagine what I’d be like if I was actually born in New York and you have her. Not to mention---even though it kills me to admit it---she has some marginal good looks, so when she rips on someone’s looks, it’s from a position of authority (rather than my bitterness and jealousy). In any case, but us together and it’s time for the meek and sensitive to fucking hide, because we’ve come down from Olympus to tell you monkeys in the mud what’s what. In any case, to start the evening off right, we popped open a bottle of Shiraz---and then ordered from Atomic Wings. Yeah, that’s how we do. The MTV Awards show isn’t a real awards show by any stretch of the imagination, so it’s both better and worse to watch. Better because there’s none of the pretension and worse because there’s none of the pretension. They were obviously going homoerotic this year by having such boy/boy faves as Sean William Scott and Justin Timberlake hosting together. The Matrix Reloaded joke was funny for the first five minutes with Andy Dick and Wanda Sykes---unfortunately it went on for another ten…as a geek, the whole super-hero motif worked for me, but as the King of all Geeks, I couldn’t help but be annoyed by the X-Men joke that started it off, where some geek questions Famke Janssen and Hugh Jackman about the accuracy of one of the characters of X2, saying that the little girl with a sonic scream was supposed to be a man. They correct him saying that it was Banshee’s daughter from X-Force #3. Syren is Banshee’s daughter, but she was introduced in Spiderwoman #37…the Yoda bit was funny and it is definitely Queen Latifah’s time…I’ve concluded that Pink is at the very least bisexual, because only someone who likes dick would choose such as nasty looking boyfriend…as if she didn’t prove how dumb she was in the preshow, Kirsten Dunst does it again at the podium. And why won’t she wear a freaking bra!?! Normally, I like that sort of think, but not when they hang like that…the Charlie’s Angel’s ass segment would have been better had they had better asses. Let me put it this way, when the Asian girl has the best ass, you know you’re in trouble. Surrogate Sister and I had be arguing over Lucy Liu’s ass all day. I say it’s pretty good for an Asian girl, she insists that there’s nothing there. Honey, I’m grading on a curve here…I love how Eminem can’t do anything without dissing someone…next Surrogate Sister and I argue over Roselyn Sanchez’s uneven breasts. Yeah, that was a decent Shiraz…the idea that Puffy and Ashton Kutcher think they’ve got a new “Rat Pack” makes me physically ill…Chris Kattan kicking at Justin Timberlake while dressed like a giant envelope was funny…Surrogate Sister expresses typical female lust over Paul Walker. I have to break it to her that he’s a pretty idiot. I mean who names his daughter “Meadow” when your last name is “Walker?” She’s lucky her name isn’t “Fire.” Next came her Viggio Mortensen lust and I tell her that she was reason Brad Pitt and Gwyneth Paltrow broke up, because she was doing Viggio on the set of A Perfect Murder. She doesn’t understand why you can’t have both. Greedy, greedy, greedy little girl…there are ways to dress when you have very small breasts and Kate Hudson doesn’t know any of them…the Gollum bit is funny too. Funny how the funniest bits don’t involve real people…Amanda Bynes will be half naked on the cover of Maxim within two years. Mark my words. She just gives off that vibe…hundreds of girls in school outfits stripping to their underwear and kissing does nothing for me, but Ashton Kutcher may be reconsidering his relationship with Demi Moore because of it, based on his enthusiastic reaction…Harrison Ford is just too damn old to be there and he knows it. Everyone in that room is young enough to be his grandchild…Demi Moore has incredibly skinny legs. How disappointing…watching Method Man do a fashion wrap-up is great. He should do it all the time.
STEAK AND NAKED WOMEN…ALL I NEED NOW ARE COMIC BOOKS
So I’m walking down 11th Avenue and see two skanky-looking blondes in stripper heels, crotch-dusting pants, half a ton of make-up and wearing Penthouse shirts. All I could think of was, “But there are no strip clubs around here.” Au contraire, mon frere. Walking up 11th Avenue on my way back I finally see the giant billboard announcing the opening of the Penthouse Gentleman’s Club (and steakhouse) on 11th Ave and 45th street. That’s where they were headed. There is now an upscale stripclub/steakhouse four blocks from my home. Do you know what the saddest part of this is? The most interesting aspect to me is the steakhouse part. I’ve never been one for strip clubs, but I’ve always loved steak.
RIDDLE ME THIS!
The sight of celebrities on NYC streets is a very common thing. What’s weird about it is the first sight. They look familiar, so you think it’s someone you know, but really you don’t. And they are always smaller and more slight than you think (with the exception of Donald Sutherland who towered over me and Gregory Hines, Julia Stiles and Gloria Ruben, who were all either my height or taller than me). Now, I’ve seen Robert DeNiro, Al Pacino, Richard Gere, Taye Diggs, Liza Minelli, Rip Torn and even Adrian Zmed and Henry Winkler, but none of this compares to seeing Frank Gorshin on 43rd street. That’s right, the mutha-fuckin’ Riddler! Now that was a good day. A damn good geek day.
6/03/2003
“Like every man of sense and good felling, I abominate work.” --- Aldous Huxley
A FISH TALE
Opening at number one is Finding Nemo, which is absolutely wonderful. Yeah, you heard me right. I freaking loved a totally mainstream movie. And it’s not really the evil Disney either. It’s Pixar film, which means they get the bulk of the money. Kinda like the way George Lucas screws Fox and theater distributors with the Star Wars films. Though I enjoyed Monsters, Inc., it was a bit of a dip in quality from the greatness that was A Bug’s Life and Toy Story 2, getting by more on cuteness than actual laughs. This is a return to form, complete with a level of jokes no kid will ever get (an entire segment spoofing substance addiction is one of the film’s highlights, not to mention the great line, “Yeah, I’m a natural blue”). It was so good, even the presence of the annoying Albert Brooks (okay, just his voice) didn’t bother me. The title is pretty much self-explanatory, as it’s about a father looking for his son, Nemo, who was taken away by divers to be in a dentist’s fish tank. The Disney influence, however, occurs in the first five minutes, when Nemo’s mother and 300 brothers and sisters are eaten by a predator fish, thus insuring another generation of traumatized children, not to mention adults who have to give their kids the “death speech” earlier than expected. I’m an adult and know all about death and it still screwed me up. What were they thinking!?! But it actually lends itself to the plot, as Marlin (Nemo’s father, though they are both Clown Fish), becomes the ultimate overprotective father. You may think I’m exaggerating, but there are parallels to The Odyssey in the journey Marlin takes to find his son, what with the dangers endured and the distance traveled. If that wasn’t enough, you’ve got Nemo’s story in the fish tank, where he plots with the other fish there to escape before Nemo can be given to the dentist’s niece, who has a habit of killing fish. Though there are too many great, great jokes to mention, my personal favorite has to be the seagulls, whose cries are defined in this film as “Mine.” The guy who thought that up is a fucking genius.
TIME FOR ACE VENTURA THREE
Bruce Almighty is down to number two and I have never been a Jim Carrey fan, so there was no way I was going to see this. He’s like Eddie Murphy in that they can make something, halfway funny into something funny and can make something funny into something hysterical, but if they have nothing to work with, they suck. That’s why they both sucked as stand-up comedians. Originality is not their strong suit. That would normally be okay in films, but he keeps choosing these films that have a touchy-feely wuss out in the end, when no one is paying for that. And his pathetic Oscar-begging has just left at bad taste in my mouth over all. That said, I’ll see Bruce Almighty when it shows up on cable in a year. While the idea is interesting, it’s doomed to failure because it would take someone with a really great imagination to make a comedy about being all-powerful work and I don’t see that from the guys behind fucking Patch Adams.
GLI AUTOMOBILI VELOCI SEMBRANO MIGLIORI NELLA TONALITA
I don’t like heist films. We’ve been through this before. They’re all filled with red herrings and fake suspense. Given that The Italian Job is one of the most famous heist films ever, why was I up on a Sunday morning seeing it? Well, I prefer seeing films with the least audience possible, so that explains Sunday morning, but ultimately the idea of Mini-Coopers racing through LA was very appealing to me. I’ve never seen the original The Italian Job because of the aforementioned heist bias and while I’m sure a film that starred Michael Caine, Benny Hill and Noel Coward had to be something, this wasn’t an unpleasant way to pass ninety or so minutes. As usual, the only moment where it dragged was the false suspense moment when Charlize Theron enters bad guy Ed Norton’s house. Now, we know she’s not going to get busted or exposed just yet, so why pretend she is? Why waste one minute of screen time---not to mention my life---with this crap? What actually makes the film work is the chemistry between the supporting cast of Jason Stratham, Mos Def and Seth Green. Mark Wahlberg can’t spell light-hearted or comic timing, so he’s just here as an almost void. Any other young actor in the world could have played this role better and virtually everyone else (with the exception of his ugly, almost twin, Matt Damon) would have been at the very least, better looking. At least Charlize Theron fulfills her role of just being pretty.
AND OF COURSE THE CLASSIC, “KUNG FU FIGHTING”
The Matrix Reloaded is down to number four and what’s the point in having an “R” rated film and then wimping out on the sex scene!?! The rave/sex scene is so freaking mild, I can’t believe some people are actually bothered by it. Of course it’s your usual parents who don’t mind a thousand guns, a million bullets and endless corpses, but can’t bear the thought of little Bobby seeing a boob, much less Keanu Reeves “entering the matrix” so to speak. I see more graphic sex just in passing on Six Feet Under, not to mention sweatier dancing on virtually every dance show of the last ten years. And what’s with Carrie Anne Moss acting so weird about it? It’s not exactly her first scene in a movie either. Not to mention I saw more of her naked in a gratuitous shower scene in Red Planet. And if that’s all it takes to “shake Zion” then I’m surprised it’s taking the machines so long to wipe it out. Hell, one good George Clinton album might decimate the place. Which brings up another question. Given all the people of color in the future, what’s with all this goddamn techno music. Hell, the perfect song for Neo’s ascension is The Isley Brothers, “Take Me To The Next Phase.” And the Zion music should have either been Parliament’s “Turn This Mutha Out” or the obvious “Chocolate City.”
NOTHING BUT GEEK STUFF HERE
Daddy Day Care is down to number five, followed by X2 at number six and for all you serious geeks there’s a tiny, tiny Fantastic Four reference when Mystique breaks into Stryker’s computer, not to mention dozens of other X-Men characters listed and Stark Enterprises, as in Tony Stark, a.k.a., Iron Man.
I PAID FOR CARNAGE, NOT CHARACTER DEVELOPMENT
The Wrong Turn opens at number six and isn’t the first rule of any slasher pic having lots of teenagers to kill? This one is about inbred cannibalistic mountain men (are there any other kinds?) hunting two couples stranded in the woods. Now, having only four people means you have a cap on the number of gruesome deaths. Actually, it means only two or three, tops, if you want to buck convention and have someone survive without saving his or her mate. I’m not a fan of the genre, but people who are look forward to a lot of interesting deaths. Starring in this is the incredibly hipless and assless Eliza Dushku, best known to people as Faith on Buffy The Vampire Slayer. Now, I have nothing against hipless and assless women. In fact, I was deflowered by one such hipless, assless lass (bitch, but I’m not bitter), but it just irks me that they are praised as this physical ideal when they’re essentially built like boys with breasts. And Eliza ain’t all that pretty, neither.
AT LEAST NO ONE SAYS, “SERPENTINE, STANLEY! SERPENTINE!”
The In-Laws is down to number eight and this misguided effort deserved its miserable fate. The original In-Laws was a minor classic and for Michael “Head Up My Own Ass” Douglas to actually say this was better than the original only gives us more cause to dance at its failure. And the more-annoying-daily Albert Brooks should know better, as there was a time when he was very funny himself. He should have taken one look at that script and run screaming in the other direction, but I guess that check weighed him down too much. And poor Ryan Reynolds (who is a younger, better-looking Jim Carrey) just can’t seem to catch a break. I’m sure when he signed up for a movie with Michael Douglas he thought it would help him, but these days Michael can’t help himself. This is two flops in rapid succession for him. At least Albert Brooks has Finding Nemo to cheer him up. Michael’s just got a bride who’s probably making cracks about his man breasts with increasing regularity since she got her Oscar and he knows the clock is ticking.
MAYBE IT’S THAT THING ON HIS FACE
Down With Love is down to number nine and will Ewan MacGregor ever again have a hit outside of Star Wars? Granted, he’s always seems to lean more towards indie fair, but damn, it’s been nothing but losers since Trainspotting. Renee, however, can easily afford something like this, which is critically praised but a bit of a box office dud. Chicago scored her not just another Academy Award nomination but made some loot too. So much so, that when Bridget Jones’s On The Edge of Reason kicks into production this year, she’ll be getting over $20M for it. I’m personally looking forward to her putting some weight back on her skinny ass. Newsflash, honey: the one thing on your face that doesn’t shrink is your nose.
IT’S WHAT SEPARATES US FROM THE ANIMALS
Finally, Bend It Like Beckham holds at number ten for almost a month now and there’s a reason why Beckham is a superstar everywhere else in the world but here: soccer sucks. Real men play sports where you use all your limbs.
SOMETHING THAT COMPLETES EVERY FILM: THREE FOOT PENIS
So, remember that naked Chinese girl I put up here a few weeks back because she reminded me of a friend of mine? Well, I finally got one of her movies on DVD (thank you, ebay!) Sex & Zen II. Yeah, that’s right, I said two. Believe it or not, the first one is a minor classic with decent critical reviews. Well, if it were as funny as the second, I can see why. Maybe it’s just because I watched it at fast forward (one of the benefits of subtitled movies), but this was hysterical. It opens with a guy showing his penile strength by writing his name in the sand…with his dick. Then there are his three wives that he does all at once. Of course, he’s cursed with a retarded son and rebellious daughter who dresses up like a man and leaves the home. A no-no in medieval China where this is set. Because of this, he puts an elaborate chastity belt on his daughter, one with blades on the breasts and on the ass. On the crotch is what I can only describe as a vaginal dentalis. Or maybe crotch cuisinart, because whatever you stick in it gets frapped. Our comic relief learns this the hard way, but get his penis replaced by a mechanical one, which is a Swiss Army knife type of thing, because it emits smoke, has an umbrella and does a few other tricks. In any case, the plot is, a marriage has been arranged for Super Dick’s son, but when the inept son cannot consummate with this beautiful bride (Shu Qi, the girl whose picture I posted), the father knocks him out and begins an affair with her. What no one knows is that the girl is actually dead and this is a demon, which has taken her place. The demon begins raping and killing everyone in the household. This happens because it has the power to absorb your life-force at the point of orgasm (it’s actually a male demon in its natural form). Eventually the daughter finds out and has to engage the demon in what I can only describe as a fuck-off and whoever comes first, dies. How do two women engage in fuck-off? Well, the demon grows a three-foot penis on its female form, that’s how. Again, it was hysterical from beginning to end, and thus was my contribution to Asian Heritage Month. Of course, Hero, the nominee for Best Foreign Film last year, sits unwatched on my DVD player.
AT LEAST ELTON JOHN WASN’T THERE
In an attempt to spice up their Divas franchise, this year VH1 tried Divas Duets---which they’ve actually been doing all along---to mixed results. This was essentially a big promo for all involved. Beyonnce, Ashanti, Mary J. Blige and Queen Latifah all have albums coming out. Shania Twain, Lisa Marie Presley and Jewel were all pushing their already released albums. Celine Dion was essentially trying to advertise her Vegas show. Only Chaka Khan and Pat Benatar where just there to sing. It opened well enough. Latifah was a very good host. I’m starting to finally believe the hype. The Beyonnce/Jewel duet actually worked well, despite the fact that Jewel was obviously terrified at being paired with Beyonnce who could sing and dance. Still, they both looked great and seeing two big-thighed women like that in such close proximity like that gave me…bad thoughts. Sorry, but I thought I was better than most men because I don’t have that lesbian fixation most men have. Even my small girl-girl porn collection is only here because of a woman (Married New Jersey Housewife). Well, that was a lie, because I would have given anything to see Beyonnce and Jewel just start mixing it up right then and there. Thankfully, my girl-girl porn has a similar chocolate and vanilla hookup with Heather Hunter and Janine that I can (cough) use instead, but still… Someone please tell Mary J. Blige that you don’t have to scream to the roof on every song. Her voice isn’t that great anyway. You just can’t do it, honey, but it’s very diva to think you can. It was made worse when both she and Chaka Kahn were doing it during “Sweet Thing.” Chaka could and did do it, but in doing so, blew out her fucking voice and was a frog for the rest of the show. Jewel never could really sing, but if you’re going to do a dance song, you’ve got to learn to dance. Hiring look-alikes to do it while you stand there is not going to cut it. Either get a choreographer or pick up an instrument. Lisa Marie Presley can’t sing either, but actually did surprisingly well on “Heartbreaker” making me think she’d be better off doing rock, rather than pop (did we all see Priscilla in the audience?). And what the hell happened to Pat Benatar’s voice? It’s gone. She couldn’t hit the high notes anymore. It was so sad. Speaking of sad, Whitney Houston and Bobby Brown. If you ever want to know the evils of drug use, just look at those two losers, huffing and puffing and cracking across the stage. When the winner of the Divas contest did Whitney’s song better than Whitney, you knew it was over. Celine, what’s with the dykey blonde look? Granted, I’ve always believed she was gay, but now it seems she’s letting all the rest of you know. What the fuck is Ashanti doing with the Isley Brothers destroying “Who’s That Lady?” And why are she and Chaka Kahn dressing like they run Thunderdome? Finally, the finale with Stevie Wonder was a mess. Shania Twain apparently had a two-hour layover in Vegas and decided to pop in for one song. Chaka’s voice was still gone from before and Mary kept screaming. When Ashanti sounds better than you, then know you have a problem. Latifah sounded great, but then Stevie screwed up! Sharon Osbourne was there for reasons I’ve yet to understand, but I think she was practicing for her talkshow. Ideas for next year: No Whitney, Celine, Chaka or Mary J. Sorry, but we’ve seen them too much. And next time pick a venue that helps singers. The bridge of the starship Enterprise (which is what it looked like) is not that place.
NOTICE HOW SKINNY ALL THE OLD CELBRITIES IN THEIR ADS ARE
There should be an age requirement for The Gap. Something like “adults over the age of 29 must be accompanied by someone at least ten years younger.” That would have saved me the trouble I went through this weekend. Okay, it started when I bought baby clothes for Nice Jewish Doctor. I signed up for a Gap Card on a whim, figuring with my credit it would never happen. It did, so now I’m drawn to this whole “use your card, get a discount idea” when I before avoided The Gap on principle alone. Well, they had a sale on jeans. A $14.99 sale to be exact. Given I pay twice as much for Levis, I figured I’d get a pair. Now, this is where being young comes in. See, if I were younger, I’d know The Gap sells “hip” jeans and “hip” jeans these days hang. And I mean hang. I thought “Standard Fit” would spare me this. Oh, no. “Standard Fit” at The Gap starts a couple of inches below the waistline, which means exposing a whole lotta lower torso, torso I can’t afford to have exposed given how I’ve lost the war against cheese (hell, if it was a war, then cheese was Germany and I was France). So, I know what you’re thinking: “Get your fat ass in shape, that way you can wear the crotch-dusting jeans that show off the lower abdomen.” First of all, I’d have to shave too and that ain’t happening. Second, if I lost the weight, the jeans really wouldn’t fit now would they? Thankfully I bought a skinny pair as well (the ladies understand what it means to have “skinny jeans” and “fat jeans”) in the “Relaxed Fit” mode, which seem to fit a little better. And what the fuck---they were only $14.99 each. Hopefully, a nice wash will tighten things up a bit.
“I LOVE THEN NIGHT LIFE/I GOT TO BOOGIE…”
Around The Way Girl is going to have to move, because this going out with her once a month is simply not going to work. Now, going out drinking I can handle, because it’s just sitting around. Hell, let’s call a spade a spade: it’s a pub crawl. But that’s not enough for her, she wants to actually do things. Go places where people do more than just drink, mainly because she doesn’t drink any more. Not that this stops her from encouraging you to drink. My first order of the night when I was drafted into service was, “No sissy drinks tonight.” Thankfully I won the coin toss (and the club had a cover) so we ended up at the place with those cheesy commercials. “Q” I think it’s called. An overpriced pool hall is what it is, but I enjoy pool. We were joined later by another friend of hers and after playing a few games (he said he couldn’t play, but he was lying) we set off in search of another place to just “chill” as the kids say. Now, I don’t know much about the club scene, but it seems it will never leave the West 20’s of NYC. Now it seems there are no less than half-a-dozen places between 6th and Broadway on 21st St. Now the other thing I know is the serious club crowd goes do out between Monday and Thursday. Only the Bridge and Tunnel losers do the weekend rounds. It’s even more so in the summer when the truly hip are out of Manhattan by nightfall, so it’s truly a loser’s paradise. Well, they were out in effect, line up and showing off their bad fashion sense. The first place we stopped at required me to searched, which was automatically a bad sign. Needless to say, it was all bruthas on the inside---with two white girls tending bar. Oooookay. They had a cover and I’m not paying to sit and drink, so we left there and went to another place. Again, all bruthas, white bartenders, but no searching. Also, no seats at the bar, so we left and tried the first club she wanted to go to. It was closing up, but the walk involved cutting through a parking lot and it revealed all you needed to know. I didn’t have enough fingers and toes to count the out-of-state license plates and you those in-state were not Manhattan, because why would you drive? That pretty much wrapped up our evening, because she could I was fading. Well, I didn’t get my nap, goddamnit, and everyone knows you need a nap. Personally, I need two.