“[Bed is] a place of luxury for me. I would not exchange it for all the thrones in the world.” --- Napoleon Bonaparte
IF YOUR NAME WAS DWAYNE, YOU’D CHANGE IT TOO The Rundown opens at number one and this film is more enjoyable than it has any right to be, thanks to the appeal of the actors and yes, I’m including The Rock as an actor. He plays the collector for a nasty bookie, trying to get out from under his thumb so he can start a restaurant (no, I’m not kidding). He can clear his debt if he goes to South America and bring back the bookie’s son (played by Seann William Scott), who’s down there playing Indiana Jones and looking for a lost treasure (you even get a scene with a booby trapped cave). Christopher Walken is on-hand as the bad guy who runs one of the worst CGI-created diamond mines ever seen. Needless to say, just by being Christopher Walken he steals virtually every scene he’s in. His monologue about the Tooth Fairy alone is almost worth seeing the film. First, he gives this ridiculous speech about the Tooth Fairy. Then when he realizes his hired men don’t understand English, he insists that his flunky translate his explanation of what exactly a “tooth fairy” is. The action scenes are fun, but totally ridiculous. It’s like a Road Runner cartoon, where everyone falls from great heights and bounces back from crippling and fatal injuries like Wile E. Coyote. Director Peter Berg rips off every current directing trend, so if David Fincher (Panic Room) or the Wachowski Brothers (The Matrix) annoy you, expect to be twice as annoyed watching their techniques in the hands of an amateur who lacks their technical skill. I didn’t like pig-faced Peter Berg in front of the camera, so I like him even less here. And yes, California gubernatorial candidate Arnold Schwarzenegger makes a cameo here, officially passing the torch of oversized action hero over to the The Rock (also, they were talking a third Conan movie with The Rock as Conn, Conan’s son). And if you’re a 6’4” stuntman in Hollywood, look forward to lots of work, because he’s going to need convincing bad guys to fight. CIAO BELLA Opening at number two is Under The Tuscan Sun, starring Diane Lane as a book critic and college professor who goes to Italy to start a new life after her husband leaves her (and takes her house). Has there ever been a movie about going to Italy that doesn’t look beautiful? Even that piece of crap Only You, with Marisa Tomei and Robert Downey Jr (whoever thought Robert Downey Jr: Romantic lead, should never work again) made Italy look great. This movie is no exception. If you aren’t digging out your passport after seeing this film, then you have no soul. One thing about movies like this is that these people who start their lives over always seem to have a substantial amount of cash to do so. Not only does Diane Lane buy a villa on the spur of the moment, but she pays contractors to work on it for a full year, all without seemingly working. That’s some savings account. But that’s part of the fantasy, I suppose, but they make the mistake of discussing money during her divorce and once you bring it up, it’s hard to just make it go away. Needless to say, in Italy she rediscovers life and love thanks to the warm Italian people and one six foot linen-clad Italian hunk (apparently there are no short Italians in Tuscany) who tells her “I’m going to make love all over you,” and proceeds to do just that. The movie gets points for putting a little more bitter into the sweet than you expect, but in the end you get a total happy ending, no matter how improbable some of it is.
SUCKERS Underworld is down to number three and the sequels have already been greenlit. Yes, I used the plural. Given that this only cost about $23M to make, its profitability is assured, so they’re going to run it until the wheels fall off. I’m surprised anyone is surprised. A movie like this has two built-in audiences: Goths and action fans and it’s the former that puts it over the top. You give those people a movie they can emulate (hip, sexy vampires, techno-noir soundtrack) and they’ll follow you to the grave. Blade proved this years ago. Action fans have dozens of films from which to choose, but Goths only get so much. But the fact that your leading lady is engaged to your director may turn into a problem. If they break up, it’s going to one uncomfortable set, because neither is going to walk away from the biggest hit of their careers. And you know they’re going to break up. They haven’t gotten married yet because they had to do promotion for this film and wouldn’t have time for a honeymoon. Yeah, right. Keep telling yourself that. THE LORD IS HARDLY “BOOTYLYCIOUS” Secondhand Lions is down to number four, followed by The Fighting Temptations at number five and what does it say about your star status when you’re being beaten by a kid and two old men? This was the wrong vehicle for Beyonce. A singer, sure. But a single mother singer in a gospel chorus? No way. People want see her in glamorous setting, singing songs you can dance lewdly to. Not groveling before god with “a joyful noise.” And Cuba, hell, he’s lucky to be working with people instead of talking dogs. It’s a miracle he’s still getting work in films that are actually released. Think about it. Alec Baldwin is making movies for TNT, but not Cuba Gooding Jr. How is this possible? DEBRA MESSING IS JEWISH; SARAH JESSICA PARKER IS HALF… Once upon a time in Mexico is down to number five followed by Duplex opening at number six and I’ve no interest in seeing Ben Stiller’s latest foray in to comedy masochism. I think it’s great that he’s willing to go out there and be the brutal end of jokes, but now it’s a little tiring. And will he ever make a movie with a Jewish woman who looks Jewish (Winona Ryder is actually Winona Horowitz)? This is the latest in a long series of WAPSY blondes. Let go of the self-hatred, brother. That’s how “The Man” wants you to think. Love yourself, love your people and give a kinky-haired daughter of Abraham a job as your love interest onscreen (god knows one didn’t get that job in real life). And the poor opening of this means not just one, but two failures for Drew Barrymore this year. Hey, the more that removes her bunny-hugging persona from my sight the better. THEY’LL CALL IT “’CHARACTER’S NAME’ LAW” Cold Creek Manor is down to number eight, making her appearance on The Practice the single most important thing in Sharon Stone’s life right now. If it works, look her for her hour-long drama about being a lawyer and a single mom to turn up some time next year. THE REST Matchstick Men is down to number nine, followed by Lost in Translation, holding at number ten. DEATH DOES A LITTLE O.T. Robert Palmer, George Plimpton, David O’Connor, Elia Kazan and Whitey from Leave it To Beaver. Damn, who isn’t going to die this year!?! Again, kind of hard to keep me from eating cheese by the pound when I can kick over in a second. Out of all of these, Robert Palmer affects me the most. I loved his blue-eyed soul thing. “Addicted to Love” was fine, but for me he shone when he would do R&B covers like “You Are In My System” “I Didn’t Mean To Turn You On” and Kool & The Gang’s “You Can Have It.” It was very low key, but was such a cool burn. The Power Station stuff was fun too. And let us not forget “Doctor, doctor, gimme the news/I gotta bad case of loving you.” Yep, that too was Robert Palmer. Also the odd song “Mary and Johnny.” Donald O’Connor had a long song and dance career, but for most of us, hiss immortality comes strictly from Singing In the Rain. And quite frankly, that’s all you need. Francis The Talking Mule just paid the bills. George Plimpton I know from I think either a documentary of a movie about his book Paper Lion, where he trained with the Detroit Lions and actually took the field once---only to blow it. Most recently, he had a great appearance on The Simpsons, asking Lisa to throw a spelling be in return for a full scholarship to any of the Seven Sisters colleges. Elia Kazan is obviously the great director behind A Streetcar Named Desire (which he also directed on Broadway along with Cat On A Hot Tin Roof and Death of a Salesman), Gentleman’s Agreement, On The Waterfront and a few others. But his infamy comes from naming names during the red scare of the 50’s which subsequently destroyed lives and ruined careers and led to Nick Nolte giving him an evil stare when he accepted his honorary Oscar a few years back. Obviously he’s going to hell, but the advantage is, that’s where the most talented actors are. Finally, I can’t put into words the impact Whitey had on us all. Rest in peace, America’s first and foremost TV albino who got Beaver to climb up that sign. You will be sorely missed.
READ BOOKS? WORK OUT? HELLO, I’VE GOT CABLE! So, the fall season has begun (that shit on UPN doesn’t count). Whoopi just sucks out loud. Someone should tell her that it’s not the 70’s any longer and that a White person talking “Black” isn’t the hilarious novelty she thinks it is…it’s a shame when someone reaches their aesthetic peak as a child, but that’s Alicia Silverstone’s curse. Miss Match is just trying too damn hard to be cute for me. And for god’s sake, get her out of short skirts. No one should ever have to look at those shapeless, toothpick legs…Hope & Faith is a standard enough sitcom, but it’s not awful which is pretty good for a standard sitcom…Las Vegas may have the prettiest cast on TV (you know your cast is pretty when Cheryl Ladd is someone’s mom), but that doesn’t make it any less boring. And I hate the stupid Black Guy Chauffeur character. It’s so obvious that they made the Black guy a driver, then realized it might be racist, then revamped him to make him have an engineering degree, but only drives because in Vegas there’s actually more money there. Yeah, because it’s not like they’re constantly building things in Las Vegas to need an engineer…The Lyon’s Den is a soap opera set in a law firm and is as about as thrilling as it sounds. It would be a lot better if they simply gave up this need to have Rob Lowe deal with “relevant cases” to show his nobility. It’s a freaking soap opera. No one is tuning in to see real social issues dealt with…The O.C. was actually ahead of the season and wins super-camp points for actually having someone use the expression, “Welcome to the OC, bitch,” but the male and female lead are just too fucking ugly for me to even pretend to be interested. This is why I always ignored Beverly Hills 90210, the fugly factor. You’re in California for god’s sake. Don’t tell me you can’t find attractive people…I’m With Her is based partially on the real-life marriage of Brooke Shields to a comedy writer. It’s supposedly what it’s like being a nobody married to a somebody, but he really isn’t a nobody; he created this fucking show. They met on the lot at fucking Warner Brothers. He’s in the business, so he acclimated to being her husband better than a real civilian would. And the so is a standard sitcom and I mean that in the most worst way possible. But I like Teri Polo, so if she had a lame hit show to pay her bills, it wouldn’t bother me. Now, Life According To Jim, that bothers me…after months of hype going back to last year, the American version of Coupling premiered and sucked as much as we thought it might. In comparison, I watched all six episodes of the British first season. The first episode is almost word for word the same (little things like “One swallow doesn’t make her my girlfriend,” were left out), but the Brits do this lame sitcom better. But it is lame. Imagine a cross between Seinfeld and Friends with just the latter’s wit (I fucking hate Friends and it’s never been funny to me) and you have Coupling. The funny thing is, the same guy does both shows. He’s unfunny on both sides of the Atlantic. Like Robbie Wilson, this is another mystifying Brit love. But the American version won’t last. It stars Rene Sofer (who is married to this lame show’s creator) and every show she stars in, fails. Period. She’s like the pre-e.r. George Clooney, and this ain’t her e.r…I ignored the revamped Practice because the only thing that ever made me watch it to begin with as a pre-skeletal Lara Flynn Boyle, but my baby sister loves James Spader so much she had to call me and tell me about it. And then threaten me with a visit. Sigh…Finally, I got about two minutes into Luis when a Spanish-speaking Chinese guy was used for a joke about SARS. It was one step forward (Spanish-speaking Chinese guy was more real New York by just existing than Friends has been in ten fucking years) and one step back (a SARS joke?). Thank god Smallville is back this week so I can have something to actually look forward to.
MORE STUFF ON TV TO WATCH The Nextel commercial with the abbreviated version of Romeo & Juliet has to be one of the funniest, wittiest things I’ve ever seen. It’s like they hired Tom Stoppard to write copy. “SHE LIVES IN MY LAP” IS ANOTHER GREAT SONG. WELL, IT IS! It’s been a good few weeks for music. First the new Seal album (same stuff he always does, but still good for what most of us use it for: having sex), the The Neptunes, then Shelby Lynne and now Outkast has a double album. It’s so good I can’t get off the first disc “The Love Below” by Andre. He says he loves Prince and it’s obvious. It may not be the Prince the average person knows, but if you know the albums as well the stuff he wrote for The Time, you’ll hear it all over this. I’ll get to the Big Boi side eventually, but it’s hard to tear yourself away from a song that goes, “I don’t want to move too fast/Can’t resist your sexy ass/Just spread, spread for me…” Yes, the song is called “Spread” and is exactly what you’re thinking. So very Prince. Then there’s one about “your roses smell like boo-boo.” Or the spoken interlude that opens with a woman saying, “Damn, where are my panties?” They’re great songs, but like a lot of early Prince you can never play them on the radio because of the lyrics. Have fun singing them in public with your walkman on. Only the single “Hey Ya” seems safe. And it’s got that great video.
WHEN LOSERS MARRY Every week the Daily News has a section called “Down The Aisle” where they show a couple getting married. It’s much better than that shit in the New York Times, because it’s not an announcement per se. These people don’t labor under the delusion that anyone gives a shit about their wedding. In any case, it’s just the basic stats, no attempt at any prose and the pictures aren’t close-ups so you can’t see how ugly these fucking people are. I personally check for ages and occupations. It’s somewhat sweet to see the 46-year-old cab driver marrying the 45-year-old waitress. In any case, this week’s was special because they had a Renaissance theme to their wedding. Yes, they were both in fucking costume and they actually served mead. You know their parents were proud. 9/22/2003
“One cannot think well, love well, sleep well, if one has
not dined well.” --- Virginia Woolf
BITE ME
Underworld opens at number one and I have one question: why are
vampires forever stuck in the 19th century? No matter what vampire movie
you see, they’re almost always wearing the latest fashions from Geneva, 1872. Why is it you never see someone who became a vampire in the 20’s still in flapper wear? Os someone unfortunate enough to be bitten in the 70’s still sporting a leisure suit? Granted, the latter is pretty damn ugly, but the fashions of the 50’s and early 60’s where nice. Where’s that vampire forever in Jackie O’s pink Chanel? Why is it always cloaks and bodices? To their credit, Underworld manages to include the modern vampire wear of goth chic. Before it became Matrix wear, this was the uniform of pretentious outcasts everywhere, who know every Cure song by heart. And there are worse things in the world than two hours of lovely Kate Beckinsale in tight, black rubber. She’s an assassin for the vampires and her job is to kill werewolves as part of a war that’s been raging for 600 years. Pretty boy Scott Speedman is a human who get turned into a werewolf and she falls for him---kinda. What I mean is, if you’re looking for a Romeo & Juliet
type or romance within an action horror movie, look elsewhere. We only
know they have a thing because other people constantly say it, not because
any chemistry or connection between the characters. This subplot takes
a backseat to the main plot involving the war and, of course, a few post-Matrix,
Hong Kong originated action sequences involving two gun-shooting, rapidly.
On one hand I give them credit for spacing the action scenes out. On the
other hand, given how ultimately unresolved it ends (they might as well
have called this Underworld Vol. 1, with Vol. II coming next year), they
would have been better off making it wall-to-wall butt-kicking.
I COULD ACTUALLY DO TEN IF YOU WANTED ME TO
The Fighting Temptations opens at number two and my reasons for
not seeing this are many. First, Cuba Gooding Jr. simply does not make
good movies. I still think Boyz N’ The Hood was a piece of crap, so you can imagine what I think of the rest of it. He got lucky with a plum role in Jerry Maguire and even luckier with the non-acting Tom Cruise in the lead. Second, if you’d put a blonde weave on a wooden pole in Goldmember, the performance would have been pretty much the same one Beyonce gave (though she looked amazing), so I have no desire to see her onscreen. Next, comes some LA screenwriter’s view of the South which never ceases to annoy me. People, Mayberry is fiction. It was fiction then, it’s
even a greater fiction now. Get the fuck over it. Also, no movie about
saving a church have the power to interest, especially some fantasy interracial
church. Finally, I hate Mike Epps with the fury of a thousand angry suns.
Just thinking of him so I can write about how much I hate him fills me
with a homicidal rage. The man is a blight on humanity and it would be
worth going to prison for the sheer joy I would have in killing him.
YOU WON’T SEE HIM IN DICKIE ROBERTS 2
Secondhand Lions opens at number three and are you as relieved
as I to see that little Haley Joel Osmont has grown up like a normal boy?
And he’s even managed to keep his looks! But you gotta wonder if Michael Caine didn’t
catch Haley staring at him staring with that, “You stole my Oscar,
you dirty old limey.” And he did. This kid carried The Sixth Sense on his back, only to have Michael Caine grab his second for that Cider House Rules bullshit. Robert Duvall is in this and I can only assume playing crusty old man of some sort. Well, if it keeps him from writing and direct more shit like Assassination Tango, then good.
JUST ‘CAUSE YOU’RE PRETTY, IT DON’T MEAN YOU CAN SING
Once Upon A Time In Mexico is down to number four and can we
take a moment to drink in the amazing body that is Salma Hayek. Curved
like a mountain pass. She could give a Coke bottle lessons. It’s so wonderful it borders on perverse. Oh, yeah. The movie. Apparently, everyone involved wrote a song for the film. Johnny Depp, Antonio Banderas and Robert Rodriquez all wrote at least one song in the film. Ironically, Enrique Iglesias and Ruben Blades, whose day jobs are music wrote nothing (but in Enrique’s case, that’s
a good thing). And how freaking tall is Enrique anyway. In their scenes
together, he towers over Antonio Banderas.
STONE COLD CAREER
Cold Creek Manor opens at number four and the next step for Sharon
Stone is a children’s film, because the first stopgap on a failing career is the genre film, the kind that has a built in audience, so your bet against failing is hedged (see: What Lies Beneath, which gave much needed help to Harrison Ford and Michele Pfeiffer). This has obviously failed, so a kid’s film is next. I’m sure she and comeback kid, Dennis Quaid, had many long discussions about it on-set. The big problem here is that genre films (science fiction, horror, etc) are more youth oriented films and ain’t nobody young is this damn thing. The closest you have to it are Steven Doriff and the MIA Juliette Lewis (who once had Brad Pitt, in case you’ve forgotten). Also, if you’re
going to make a movie about a house, it has to be haunted. Nothing about
the film suggests that.
MY DAD GAVE ME BAD EYES, BAD NOSTRILS AND KEPT HIS HEIGHT
Matchstick Men is down to number six, followed by Cabin Fever
at number seven, which stars Jordan Ladd, daughter of the great Cheryl
Ladd. Now, given that she’s an actress, I cannot for the life of me understand why she wasn’t in either of the Charlie’s Angels movies. Oh, that’s
right. Unlike the three angels, Jordan
Ladd is actually attractive, having inherited her mother’s looks
(actually mom gave her a little too much---she had a breast reduction
as a teenager).
MONKEY FUNNY
Down to eight is Dickie Roberts: Former Child Star, followed
by Pirates of the Caribbean at number nine and where’s Orlando Bloom’s cut of the pie? Geoffrey Rush’s? They were in this movie too ya know. Technically speaking, pretty boy Orlando is the hero and Oscar-winner Rush is definitely the villain. But from all the press, it’s just Johnny Depp and Keira Knightley. But for me the true unsung star of the film is the monkey. It’s
always the monkey.
NO ONE IN GODFATHER III CAN MAKE FUN OF ANYONE ELSE
Finally, entering the top ten at number ten is the art film fave,
Lost in Translation and the more I think about this film the less I like
it. Aside from the lousy miscasting of Scarlett Johanssen in the lead role,
there’s some really sophomoric humor at the expense of the Japanese people, because, god forbid, they don’t speak perfect English in their own goddamn country. There’s a really unfunny sequence involving a hooker sent to Bill Murray who insists that he “Lip her stocking.” It’s supposed to be funny that she’s trying to say “Rip my stocking.” Uh-huh. Then there’s the scene where a Japanese commercial director gives extensive directions to Bill Murray only to have the translator say, “Turn your head to the right.” It would have been much funnier if subtitles had told us what he’d
said and how the translator just disregarded it. Instead it comes across
as if Japanese people say a lot of useless shit.
“SU, SU SUSHI/MU, MU, MUSHI/CHERRY BLOSSOMS AND RICE/SU, SU, SUSHI SHE’S
SO NICE”
So, I was at a function about a week and a half ago and had some
sushi. Now, this is important because I don’t like sushi. I tried it years ago and found it boring and tasteless and every time my friends would insist on eating Japanese, I’d be forced to have the dry teriyaki chicken. This time, however, I found it delicious. Maybe it’s because I have a new appreciation for seafood, but I thought it was great. Since then, I’ve literally eaten sushi every single day. Lunch and dinner. Every freaking day (sadly, it hasn’t made me any thinner because I still feel the need to follow it with doughnuts or ice cream). I’ve spend my time trying to find the cheapest and the best, always having the same dish: sake (salmon) sushi. Technically speaking, I’m having maki zushi (also call nori maki; maki means “roll”), which is the roll. The kind with the fish on the rice alone is called nigiri. In any case, I’m eating it ever day, which ain’t cheap, but I don’t know what to do, because you can’t make this at home, right? Well, the latest episode of Queer Eye For The Straight Guy proves me wrong, as they teach some guy to make sushi (but I swear you’ll never see me put “product” in my hair). Needless to say, this becomes my next big food project. Saturday, I haul my ass down to Sunrise Mart in the East Village, which is a Asian Food Market. There I get my seaweed and special Japanese rice (which you can actually get anywhere), as well as my little serving dish and bamboo roller (makisu). Then there was the buying of the ingredients. Obviously salmon was part of it, but I expanded and got some shrimp as well. Suddenly, I began to doubt this as a “cost saving” measure. Salmon ain’t cheap. Neither is shrimp. Can you fucking believe the difference between cooked and peeled shrimp and uncooked and unpeeled shrimp is $6!?! It takes three minutes to cook it and three more to peel it. Who is that fucking lazy? Oh, right. I am. But I’m also cheap, so I cooked and peeled my own damn shrimp (put toothpicks along the spine of the shrimp to keep them from curling when cooked). When I was done, I realized, you really don’t need a whole helluva a lot of food to make sushi. I’d made more than enough. Even after eating two rolls and a few pieces of nigiri myself, I still had three more rolls left over, and some leftover shrimp (luckily I have a roommate who made short work of some of it). How was it, you ask? Well that picture up there is the dish I made, and while it does look nice, I have to say, the first time you make a new dish is like the first time you have sex with someone: it never quite goes the way you planned (I had to leave in the middle to go buy something I’d forgotten---sound familiar?) and the camera never picks up everything. But you do get better. The next time I make it it’ll be more organized and faster because I’ll know exactly what I need to do (just like sex). I even bought a rice cooker (just like sex). Word of warning: the wasabi you get for Japanese take out, has nothing on the real deal. There was some nostril-clearing and weeping before I learned that lesson. Also, I don’t drink the customary wine when I make something new. Next time, I’m
getting hammered (just like sex).
"WOULDN’T
IT BE GOOD IF WE COULD LIVE WITHOUT A CARE”
Because I’m old, I enjoy watching VH1 Classic from time to time and seeing those 80’s videos. I couldn’t help but smile when Nik Kershaw’s “Wouldn’t It Be Good” popped up with him as a miserable alien on earth. My fun ended when abysmal 80’s waste-of-space band, The Hooters, popped up. My god, was there a more wretched band, ever? Granted, there were lots of bad bands, but you can still have fun with most of them. Not these guys. They suck entirely too much for that. They were from Pennsylvania and considering the core of the group was one blonde guy and one dark-haired guy, they were like “What if Hall & Oates really, really sucked smelly donkey ass?” The
video was showed them on tour, as if they were a real fucking band who
had adventures on the road. It also showed their ugly, rhythmless fans.
Guaranteed no one is downloading their music.
BUT COUNTRY STILL SUCKS
On the good music front, Shelby Lynne has a new album! Shelby
Lynne has a new album! Thankfully, she’s gotten rid of the anti-Christ producer, Glen Ballard, and not only produced this one herself, but played most of the instruments and recorded it at home. And it’s good too. She says it’s based on her heroes of music and you can hear it. There’s a tune that sounds like Patsy Cline, another like the Everly Brothers and another that sounds like Willie Nelson. Did I mention that it was good? She’s also shed her image consultants, because she’s looking…different. Let me but it this way: the producer of the album that got her Best New Artist Grammy (after 14 years in the business) was Bill Botrell, who also did Sheryl Crow’s “Tuesday Night Music Club.” Bill Botrell’s wife became Shelby’s
manager---and left Bill. In fact, some say she left Bill for Shelby.
I doubted those rumors until I saw her new butch image. The cover of her
new album looks like freaking Anne Heche. I won’t even get into all the denim and clunky rings. Not that there’s anything wrong with it. I also picked up The Neptunes Present The Clones, which is also good (“Frontin’” was my jam for a hot moment), but the bulk of my time is spent listening to Shelby. By the way…it’s
good.
SUPERBOY WILL BE STRONG AND FIT FOR ME
So, I pulled the gym scam again. Someone was offering a free
week, so I took it. I went twice. I meant to go three times, but after
that first workout, I literally couldn’t straighten out my left arm for a day. It was stuck at a 15-degree angle. But I was quickly reminded of why I don’t like working out: it’s boring. And they’re all the same. The same characters are everywhere. You’ve got your old guys, still trying to prove they have it; the short guys who think going wider will make up for being unable to go vertical, the know-it-all guys who feel compelled to offer advice to women who’d rather be left alone, and those women in question, who really aren’t all that attractive, but because they’re
the only women in the gym and the testosterone is pumping, men are still
drawn to them. And that stupid Underarmor commercial only makes me want
to distance myself from this culture even more. “Will you protect this house!?!” “I will! I will!” “Underarmor,
ugh!” Why not just get straight to the circle jerk, fellas. Besides,
I can’t be bothered working out when the new Fall TV season starts this
week.
AND YOU KNOW HE’S WEARING BLACK, CLUNKY GLASSES
Finally, is there some freaking rule that says you can only play
the fucking Cure or The Smiths in every little indie book or record store?
It’s enough to make me go shop at fucking Virgin. It’s the fault of the fucking manager, whose got a masters degree, but can only get a job running this store. He’s middle-aged now, but still thinks he’s
hip (a young manager would be playing The White Stripes). 9/15/2003
“Friends may come and go, but enemies accumulate.” ---
Thomas Jones
LIVIN’ LA VIDA LOCA
Opening at number one is Once Upon A Time In Mexico, which
could also be called El Mariachi III or Desperado II, and much to my
surprise it’s actually good. I’m not a fan of Robert Rodriguez who’s form of filmmaking is to throw everything against the wall and see what sticks. Sometimes it works, like in the first Spy Kids movie, but mostly it doesn’t, like in Spy Kids 2 and 3, Desperado and From Dusk Till Dawn. This one is saved by two things: Johnny Depp’s performance and basing itself very closely on Sergio Leone’s Once Upon A Time In The West in its use of multiple storylines. The latter prevents the over-the-top action sequences from becoming annoying as they can very quickly in the wrong hands and Rodriguez’s hands are as wrong as they get. Depp’s performance as a sociopathic CIA agent pulling the strings in Mexican coup de tat, however, is what makes this movie work and thankfully, he too is spread out enough to prevent him from becoming annoying. Just as Antonio Banderas seems to disappear for long moments at a time, so does Depp. Absence does make the heart grow founder. In fact the two men are only onscreen together twice. Just as well, as the movie is overwhelmingly pretty to begin with. If Depp, Banderas, Salma Hayek and Eva Mendes had all been onscreen together it would have spontaneously combusted. But that’s how separated the plotlines are. Banderas never meets Eva Mendes, she never meets Salma Hayek, and neither of them meets Mickey Rourke. Yes, I said Mickey Rourke. And his little dog too. Also, Antonio never shares the screen Cheech Marin but Depp does. Depp, however, is spared Antonio’s
fate over having to spend time with Enrique Iglesias, who still has
that ugly little mole at this point.
BECAUSE IT’S NOT THE HAPPY GEEK PAGE, NOW IS IT?
Matchstick Men opens at number two and while I love Alison
Lohman, who didn’t get nearly as much acclaim as she deserved for her
work in White Oleander last year, my overwhelming hatred of con artist
and scam movies just kept me away. Not to mention fucking Ridley Scott
directed this, as if he gives as shit about characters. And Sam Rockwell
just annoys me on sight. Maybe I can overcome my loathing enough to
see it one day. Maybe.
HEY, IT AIN’T CALLED “SMALL ONE-BEDROOM APARTMENT FEVER”
Opening at number three is Cabin Fever, which is supposedly
scary. We know how I feel about the scary. Not to mention this is oozing,
disgusting, flesh-eating scary. No, no, no. But let me say, as someone
who despises camping, these movies totally validate me. I’d be the guy in the city who reads in the paper on Monday morning that all his friends have died horribly at the hands of some psychotic murder/alien/demon/evil doll/flesh eating virus, shingles, etc. Yeah, the hottest babes will be gone, but so will the idiots they liked to sleep with. That’s what you get for not boning the smart geeky guy who doesn’t
like to leave the city. With me, your biggest threat will be that the
sushi we ordered in smells funny.
JOKING THOSE DRAWERS RIGHT OFF YA, BABY
Dickie Roberts, Former Child Star is down to number four
and do you think Lara Flynn Boyle ever regrets for a moment, dumping
David Spade’s ass for Jack Nicholson? Nah, me neither. It’s amazing he ever got her in the first place. And be bagged her when she was still really attractive, before the eating disorder set in. Then again, he’s probably grateful he got to hit it before she went to hell. Apparently, he also bagged the blonde girl from that annoying “Ed” TV show. Man, apparently a sense of humor can get you laid. I mean, if you’ve
already been on TV for the last ten years and have a few movies under
your belt.
“WE NEVER THOUGHT OF FINDING A PLACE WHERE WE BELONGED…”
Pirates of the Caribbean is down to number five, giving Johnny Depp not just two films in the top ten, but two films he totally steals in the top ten. No one is screaming the praises of either Orlando Bloom or Antonio Banderas and technically speaking, they are the stars of their films. You think he keeps in touch with anyone from 21 Jump Street? Nah, me neither.
ETC,
Freaky Friday is down to number six having cracked the $100M mark, followed by Jeepers Creepers at number seven and Open Range at number eight.
AND WHERE’S THAT ADAM-12 MOVIE?
S.W.A.T. is still hanging around at number nine and who the
fuck is still going to see this? Were there that many fans of this
show? It only had 39 episodes and two of those where actually episodes
of The Rookies. Maybe if the damn thing hadn’t cost $70M to make, this might be impressive. And when are we going to stop pretending that Michele Rodriguez can act.? She has one expression: dour. And she speaks only in monotone. I like her (she’s got that ugly-sexy thing going on, plus she’s another one of my B&T
girls) but a great actress she is not.
TIME FOR THE GLUE FACTORY
Finally, closing out the top ten this week is Seabiscuit, another long-running film whose $100+M gross is canceled out by the fact it cost $80M to make.
THERE’S A REASON WHY 21 IS THE LEGAL AGE
Not breaking the top ten but getting the kind of genuine
critical response Seabiscuit would give a horse’s left nut for, is Lost In Translation, the new film from Sofia Coppola, who along with her brother, Roman (who wrote and directed CQ) seem to be the answer to the question, “Where did all of Francis Ford Coppola’s talent go?” Unfortunately, while she’s got dad’s chops, she also got his talent of horribly miscasting. Just as daddy miscast her in Godfather III, she miscast Scarlett Johansson as her female lead here. She’s supposed to be 23, but she’s actually 18 and looks freaking 16. She looks like a child and carries herself like a child, not like the young woman she’s supposed to be and considering she’s half the film, that’s a problem. Lindsay Lohman from Freaky Friday could’ve given her lessons. And her moronic interview last week in the New York Times where she sympathizes with middle-age men going through menopause doesn’t help my opinion her. “For older women, death happens inside. What comes with that death is a kind of liberation…Men have no aid to tell them they’re getting older. They just see their bodies decaying. A young, fertile, fruitful woman can help you cross that bridge.” It’s gonna be fun watching you age, honey, as these words come back to haunt you, ‘cause chances it it’s still going to be a man’s world and you’ll find out what middle-aged men think of women who aren’t young and willing to prop up their egos (and she ain’t exactly thin neither). The other half of this film, however, is Bill Murray who remains consistently great in his low-key comic portrayals. In fact, this could even be seen as a female bookend to Rushmore, where he bonds with another Coppola relative (Jason Schwartzman is Talia Shire’s son, and Francis’ nephew). Would that Lost In Translation had given him as worthy a youthful doppelganger as he had in Max. Sofia also has her father’s cinematic eye, as Japan is made to look absolutely beautiful. Between this, The Last Samurai and Kill Bill it looks to be this fall’s
location of choice.
DEATH APPARENTLY DOESN’T TAKE A HOLIDAY
Damn, who isn’t going to die this year!?! Now, Johnny Cash was hardly unexpected. I personally didn’t see him outliving his wife for more than a week, so within a four months is gravy. But John Ritter!?! John fucking Ritter!?! He was only 55 and while I’m sure he did his fair share of partying in the 70’s, he was clean today. And the sad thing is he was taken out by an undetectable heart problem. His death was totally impossible to prevent. Now how badly does that fuck up your concept of the future? I mean, it’s kinda hard to talk myself out of a pint of Haagen-Dazs Chocolate Mousse ice cream when it’s entirely possible I could be felled by an undetectable heart ailment tomorrow. What’s really amazing is that he lasted this long. In the book “You’ll Never Make Love In This Town Again,” one of the girls marvels at how John Ritter was able to fuck her all day, nonstop (Vanity Fair asked him about this recently, but he begged off citing his current wife---which is ironic, because the incident happened while he was till married to the first one). And this is before Viagra. How that didn’t kill him we’ll never know. Okay let’s count ‘em off: Maurice Gibb, Al Hirschfeld, Michael Jeter, Lynn Thigpen, Leslie Cheung, Edwin Star, Robert Stack, June Carter Cash, Gregory Peck, Katherine Hepburn, Nina Simone, Buddy Hackett, Barry White, Gregory Hines, Charles Bronson and Warren Zevon. And this list is hardly complete. But I’m telling you right now, when either William Shatner or Stan Lee dies, I’m
taking the day off.
ASIAN KUNG-FU LESBIANS (HA! MADE YOU LOOK!)
Also not breaking the top ten, getting jack shit in promotion
from Sony and finally opening months after I saw the DVD for sale in
Chinatown (which I later bought on ebay out of Hong Kong) is So Close
which stars that girl I had up here naked once because she bears a
slight resemblance to the former Miss Pretty Boy. If you remember,
she’s actually been the hottest thing in China for the last few years and was originally supposed to play the Zhang Ziyi role in Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon, until her agent pulled the mother of all fuckups and made her leave to do a Coke commercial. That’s right up there with Burt Ward being unable to do The Graduate. In any case, it’s very pretty, very stylized, directed by Cory Yuen, who came up with Jet Li in HK action films and still choreographs movies like Bulletproof Monk and the first X-Men. The movie is about two beautiful hacker/assassin sisters. One of whom is getting tired of the life and the other who is falling for the not-so-beautiful female cop trying to catch them. Does the rest of the plot really matter? Especially when it opens with an action scene set to The Carpenters “Close To You”? It’s pretty girls (and one not-so-pretty girl) kicking ass for 90 minutes in the most stylish way possible with some lesbian overtones (and plot twist that’s
normal in films outside of the US, but a bit shocking for us). What
more do you want?
I’M TOO BUSY DOWNLOADING PORN TO HACK
How about that fat loser bastard they busted for helping
to spread the computer virus? I think it’s pretty safe to say he hasn’t had pussy since pussy had him. That’s how you should really punish hackers: put them on TV and make them answer questions about their dating activities. “So, have you ever kissed a girl, fat boy?” For a geek, it’s
a fate worse than death. Trust me on this.
IT’S LIKE SELLING ME A DAMAGAGED COMIC BOOK
Given my time on ebay, it was bound to happen someone would
try to fuck me. I mean, I’ve had guys not pay, or paid and waited forever for something, but never anything major. This time, however, we crossed the $100 mark and I’m not having it. I was trying to get a new laptop for my baby sister, because she’s still using the crappy one my dad and I got for her years ago. I thought I found a good one relatively cheap, but you know what they say about something appearing too good to be true. The first clue? It took almost three weeks to get here…from New Jersey. Yeah. But I was actually patient about this, having more than a few unpleasant experiences with US Snail. But when I opened it, I found a computer I wouldn’t have paid $20 for. Now, before I paid, my emails were returned almost instantly. Now, it took a few days. I could smell which way the wind was blowing and the surest way to get someone on ebay to respond to you is to leave them negative feedback, because it can’t be erased. In addition, I filed a “mispresentation of goods” complaint, not just with ebay, but Paypal as well and threatened a legal fraud complaint. Then I sent emails to all the bidders on their current auction (for a $15,000 truck) about how they ripped me off. Sure enough, I’m getting my money back. Don’t fuck with an angry geek. Especially over a computer. Especially after the month I’ve had with my own. I was looking to get in someone’s
ass. And not in a good way either.
HOLY SMART CASTING!
Good geek news is that Christian Bale was cast as Bruce Wayne/Batman
for the movie that Christopher Nolan (who directed Memento) is doing.
I’ve long held the belief that Batman should be played by an Englishman. Bruce Wayne is not the guy next door. He’s a fucking blue-blooded billionaire (Wayne actually comes from “Gawain” and in one story, it’s revealed that Bruce Wayne is a direct descendant of Sir Gawain and is entrusted with The Holy Grail---which he gives to Superman to hide on the moon), not the guy next door and certainly not some balding, bug-eyed guy with no chin who had to have rubber muscles made for him. Yes, I’m still fucking pissed about Michael Keaton ever being cast as Batman. What part of “angry geek” do
you not understand!?!
9/8/2003
9/29/2003
“All witchcraft comes from carnal lust which in women is insatiable.” --- Jacob Sprenger and Hendrich Kramer, 15th Century German Dominican Monks
ISN’T THIS IS WHY STRAIGHT-TO-VIDEO WAS CREATED
Dickie Roberts: Former Child Star opens at number one and how does David Spade keep getting film work? Granted, these films don’t cost much, so it probably doesn’t take a lot to enter the realm of profitability, but are there that many people who still find this littler fucker funny? This is the lowest earning number one movie in three years. The previous champ? Eye of the Beholder with Ashley Judd and Ewan McGregor. Never heard of it? Exactly. This was the movie for people who dislike football to the point they’d just sit through anything. Apparently, every former child star with a day off makes an appearance in this film including an apparent reunion of the stars of “What’s Happening?” First of all, they were hardly child stars. Second, where’s Dee? It’s nothing without Dee. She was the real star of that show. Maybe she got a life or some self-respect and pride.
THE WOODY ALLEN AWARD GOES TO…
Jeepers Creepers 2 is down to number two and the career of convicted sex offender, Victor Salva, who wrote and directed both this and first, continues unabated. What the fuck? This isn‘t France! It only gets weird when you realize the propensity of the creature in these movies to kill young men, especially good looking ones. While this comes under the heading of “too stupid to see” I understand the first was also a bit scary and you know how I feel about the scary.
VIVA LA MONEY MAKING CORPORATIONS
Pirates of the Caribbean is back up to number three after dropping all the way to number nine and is there anything more fun than watching Johnny Depp shoot his mouth off then backpedal like the fucking poser he is? I’m sure his accountant or manager called to let him know that the only reason he can live the way he does in France is because of the obscene amount of money he makes in the United States for companies like Disney. No, I’m not going to fall back on that old “we saved France bullshit” because those Cheese-Eating-Surrender-Monkeys saved us first. If they hadn’t come to our aid in 1776, we’d all be using the word “lift” instead of “elevator” and spelling “color” with a fucking “u” (“I say, Nigel, the colour of the lift is positively revolting.”). Not to mention Robbie Williams would actually be a star here.
YES, THE PHALLIC IMAGERY STILL APPLIES
Freaky Friday bounces up one notch to number four and it’s about to hit the $100M mark, which matters, because it cost less than $30M to make. Apparently, Hilary Duff stole the boyfriend of star Lindsay Lohman. That boyfriend? Aaron Carter, little brother of Backstreet Boy, Nick Carter, and tiny pop star in his own right. My god, they’ve got their own little teener soap opera going on here. Well, The Lizzie Maguire movie didn’t break $50M, so she can always buy him back and don’t think he wasn’t gold digging to begin with, since his career pales in comparison to theirs. She actually plays guitar in the film and I have to say it’s very cute to watch. If she were older, it might actually be sexy because there’s nothing like watching a woman actually wail away on a guitar. And it’s even better when she’s doing it to such an extent the strap of her dress slips unnoticed off one shoulder. See, ladies, sex appeal isn’t always about being half-naked…but that’s always the safest bet.
ALSO KNOWN AS “TREAT WILLIAMS’ TOWN”
S.W.A.T. is down to number five and even at $100M this isn’t a real success, though it has shown some legs. Colin Farrell might as well give it up and go join Matthew McConaughey and Heath Ledger as “Next Big Things” that didn’t quite make it.
WHAT ABOUT FOR NOT SO GREAT SINS? SIN NIBBLER?
Speaking of Heath Ledger and not quite making it, The Order opens at number six having been delayed from this spring (one sign it sucked) and renamed (the other sign) from The Sin Eater. This a reunion from his only real starring hit, A Knight’s Tale (10 Things I Hate About You was Julia Stiles’s movie). The same director and the same co-stars, Shannyn Sossamon (with the best smile ever) and Mark Addy. Paul Bettany was apparently beyond this, now, making movies with Russell Crowe and ironically, Julia Stiles (not to mention marrying Jennifer Connelly). This actually seemed mildly interesting to me because I remember that old “Night Gallery” episode about a Sin-eater, which starred Richard Thomas. In case you don’t know, a sin-eater absolves you outside of The Church by taking on your sins. This ceremony would be literal, with him eating a feast around or actually off the body of the deceased. That’s interesting in a really creepy sorta way. It also has the bonus of not looking at all scary, but ultimately, had the disadvantage not looking at all good either. Besides, when Shannon Sossamon’s character says she’s with him until death, that’s a big red flag and I’m not watching a movie where she dies. Bad enough I saw her date raped and then puked on (the puking happened during the rape) in Rules of Attraction. And as the best friend, we know Mark Addy’s fate.
THOSE WHO FORGET HISTORY ARE DOOMED TO GREENLIGHT AGAIN AND AGAIN
Open Range is down to number seven and at less than $50M, maybe they’ll stop letting Kevin Costner star in movies, much less direct them.
AND THE WINNER BY A BOOB, IS MARIA!
Seabiscuit is down to number eight and I can’t look at jockeys without thinking of that Simpsons episode where they are revealed to be elves who live underground. This is really brought to mind when the jockeys are riding hookers down the hallway in a brothel in Mexico. “We’re freeeeeaks. What woman would want us?” Well, apparently Mexican whores.
THE END
Freddy Vs. Jason is down to number nine followed by Uptown Girls closing out the top ten at number ten.
ON THE UPSIDE, MY PLAYSTATION GOT A LOT MORE ATTENTION
So, this column has been down for awhile because the computer had to not only go back in for repairs, but it had to go back to Apple for them to do it themselves. Yes, this means my brand new computer has had over a thousand dollars worth of repairs straight out of the box (I know this because even though it’s under warranty, they list the costs). So how did I survive? Well, I bought a backup off of eBay---then sold it a day later. I also annoyed the hell out of my roommate by constantly using her laptop, which is a Dell and hasn’t seen the inside of a repair shop that I know of in the five years she’s had it. I went to Kinko’s once and had the shit annoyed out of me by two guys who were apparently unaware they were not in their living rooms as they loudly planned a Black version of “Punk’d” which was as stupid and as useless as it sounds. Finally, I went down to Tekserve where I’d bought my machine and managed to whine my way into a free loaner. Aren’t all loaner’s free, you ask? Oh, no. Not at Tekserve. But my dad would kill me if he found out I paid for rental to replace a brand new machine. By “kill” I don’t mean “become upset with me” I mean he’d kill me, dispose of the body and deny the last 37 years of my existence. But “Jennifer” is back in my home, still beautiful and still more trouble than she’s worth. If nothing else, this has deprogrammed me from the cult of Apple. Yes, it’s still a better machine and I’ll probably always use one, but no longer am I of the mind that this somehow makes me better. I mean, I am better than all of you, but I would be that way no matter what type of computer I used. It’s just a computer made by people who will fuck you over just like Bill Gates or IBM or Dell will. The only difference is those guys don’t pretend they’re giving you anything more than a computer or that they won’t fuck you over.
THE JUSTIFICATION FOR A BUNCH OF PARTIES
So, while I was down there were the MTV Music Awards. Let’s run it down, shall we? First of all, there are the annoying crowds. Annoying because I work here and as I left the streets were filled with young girls in tight, crotch-dusting jeans and a geek my age has no need to see that. I’m mean, it’s everywhere anyway, but then it was a hundred times worse…the preshow was as dumb as always with these VJ’s acting like this matters to anyone anywhere. A video is a commercial to sell your song, period. So basically these are the awards for best music commercial. If the Grammy’s aren’t about art, then these damn sure aren’t…Mary J., if there’s no more drama, why are you still screaming?…so, the kiss. First of all, there was no tongue, so anyone who insists there was, is just projecting their own fantasies. Otherwise, yawn. Madonna kissing another woman was tired when she was doing it a decade ago. Only the presence of her self-proclaimed successor made it even remotely interesting. Not to mention this is just her third desperate attempt to push the “Hollywood” single. The Gap commercial was number two. If you people don’t buy this record now, she’s going to fuck the Olsen Twins at Super Bowl Half-Time…And poor Christina Aguilera. If she weren’t onstage do you think anyone would have noticed or cared? The funny thing is, she had more chemistry with Madonna and was more into it. However, she kept her mouth closed when kissing Madonna. Not that you could see it, considering the camera cut to Justin Timberlake’s reaction. Was she less receptive or did she remember that Madonna had fucked both Warren Beatty and Dennis Rodman?…anyone noticed how thrilled the guys from Queer Eye For The Straight Guy were watching Madonna? Or how annoyed Mary J. Blige seemed with the kiss?…Chris Rock had a better routine than I’ve heard from him in a while and he said what the world was thinking: what the fuck is Janet Jackson doing with someone like Jermiane DuPri? It must have cut close to the bone because she dumped ratboy a week later---over the phone…Suddenly, I’m bored. Having Good Charlotte come on doesn’t help, so I’m off channel surfing…I come back to see 50 Cent acting like a moron when Eminem wins an award by going onstage with him. When he wins, he keeps the award given to him onstage even though those are just presenting. Your real one is backstage. And how sad is it that Vivica Fox is now dating him. And I thought she had those breast implants taken out. She was never an A-list star, but she was a solid B for a second. Now she’s lucky to be on his arm. It’s like seriously ghetto version of Demi Moore and Ashton Kutcher…I also see 50 Cent’s stupid performance. I have no love of the whole “pimp” thing within hip-hop culture. Drug dealers I can let slide because unless people were seeking self-destruction, you’d have nothing to do. But pimps are disgusting, who a whole number about pimping with a real pimp onstage just annoys the shit out of me…Jimmy Fallon is annoying when he’s not in character as something. As himself he’s a dweeb and his joke about punching one of the Fab Five from Queer Eye For The Straight Guy was lame and offensive. However, the way they swarmed over Beyonce when she came onstage was very cute. Gay men love nothing more than a glamorous woman…Johnny Cash should have swept these awards for “Hurt”, so I give Justin Timberlake credit for mentioning him when he wins…everyone loves freaking Coldplay. Well, I don’t. Mopey brit-pop leaves me cold. I like Chris Rock’s joke about killing yourself after they perform…Duran Duran who benefited more from videos than anyone alive, win a Lifetime Achievement Award in a botched presentation by two girls too young to remember when they were the absolute shit…I’m channel surfing and only came back in time to see the Jay-Z part of Beyonce’s lip-sync performance. Well, I give her credit. She knows you can’t do all that freaking dancing around and sing and she made her choice. Unlike the Christina Aguilera performance where she chimes in between dance steps. And she’s trying so hard, but even pretending to blow Dave Navarro will go unnoticed in the wake of Britney and Madonna’s kiss. Did I mention she looks like shit?…Missy brings out everyone she knows apparently, but the best par is she brings the little White girl from her video. Where’s the little Asian girl? She rocked it too…Fred Durst is such a waste of space, but the whole Jack Black bit is funny, whereas the Eminem skit is just stupid and can’t erase the fact that he’s one of those people who cannot take a joke…Adam Sandler is actually funny doing the Snoop Dogg-speak, but someone needs to beat that crasher down so he’ll stop doing this. Even Soy Boy had the decency to only show up once…Poor Metallica. People watched the train wreck that was Guns & Roses for the freak factor, but no one cares about your new album. The best part is the instrumental summation of the last ten years of music, which accidentally proves how the White Stripes need to just get a fucking bass player already. I mean, he’s just doing the bass line on the guitar anyway…and it’s over until the next 37 times they run it.
“…I’M A MAN/I SPELL M-H-I-N/THAT MEAN MANNISH BOY…”
So, in the wake of painting my apartment, I move on to other many acts of home improvement. I decide to fix the slats in my futon bed which I’ve broken over the years. No, not in the fun way, but simply by walking on it. The boards are supposed to give a bit so it’s not like sleeping on concrete, but you’re no supposed to walk on them with your full weight---which is what I did. I actually tried repairing them with metal frames, but that really didn’t work, so I decide to just replace them. This requires me to go to that male of all places: the lumberyard. Even better, it’s a lumber and hardware store. So I’m standing there behind guys buying sheetrock and shit. I could feel the hair on my balls growing…back. Then I get to walk home carrying two 12 foot pieces of wood. Yeah, this is what men do, baby. Once I get it home I have to cut it down to five foot pieces to fit my bed. We have no saw. Off to another hardware store to buy a saw. Back and I’m not only sawing wood, I’m doing with my shirt off and the football game on in the background. Ooh, such hairy balls I have now! I actually break the saw, but luckily it came with two blades. After preparing the new slats, I realize one of the broken ones is a key slat with a bolt in it. So I have to drill holes in the new slat and put new bolts in it. So now I’m shirtless with a power tool in my hand with the game on (FALCONS! FALCONS!). Man, I can barely keep my pants on, my balls are now so huge and hairy! Wait, is that sweat? Yeah, baby. Metrosexual my ass. So now my bed is back to it’s peak firmness. Yes, the lack of spring bounce does make the sex more of an effort, but it’s not like that an issue in my life. Besides, it works for whacking off.
WHEN THE WORLD WAS MORE INNOCENT AND PARACHUTE PANTS WERE LEGAL
So, if you’re an aging Gen X’er like myself, one of your first DVD purchases was any part of the John Hughes collection of the 80’s (Sixteen Candles, The Breakfast Club, Ferris Bueller’s Day Off, Weird Science). For me, it was his first and best: Sixteen Candles. The dramas were too heavy-handed for me and Ferris was just an asshole. Weird Science should just be ignored. In any case, having seen it hundreds of times, the first thing you notice is the soundtrack has been altered. Apparently the rights hadn’t been secured and some of the songs that pop up at key moments are missing. Well, there must have been plenty of complaints because last week Universal reissued it with the soundtrack fully restored. They even put this on the label. Of course, I’m still fucked having to buy it twice, but at least I have it now. When Molly Ringwald is looking at herself in the mirror, Paul Young’s “Love of the Common People” is playing. The “Twilight Zone” music is playing when she finds her grandparents in her room, not “Jaws.” When Anthony Michael Hall pulls out in the Rolls, it’s Wham’s “Bad Boys” playing, not generic “zany music.” And most importantly, when the car pulls out on the way to the wedding, “Young Americans” is playing where it should. And it’s still great. It’s aged very well and his depiction of geeks is so dead on it hurts. And let’s not forget Michael Shoeflling, the answer to the question, “What if Matt Dillion were even more attractive, but not sleazy?” Is it any surprise to learn he was a model? He’s now retired with his wife and kids and a furniture business in Pennsylvania and doesn’t give interviews. I know this because GQ does a piece on him every few years because he was such as staple of the magazine in the 80’s. But for me the movie is Anthony Michael Hall, who is credited as “The Geek” in the end credits, but the movie suggests his name is really “Ted Farmer” and that’s why they call him “Farmer Ted.” He also claims to be the geek king, but he was just “a” geek king. I’m “the” geek king. And yes, that’s both John and Joan Cusack in supporting roles (also Jami Gertz, but who cares). The obnoxious younger brother? Justin Henry from Kramer vs. Kramer. I also picked up personal fave, Three O’Clock High. I’ve found women don’t like it as much, but that’s because women don’t know what it’s like to have some guy tell you he’s going to kick your ass after school and the anxiety of that day, which is the plot of this comedy. This with free acquisition of another 80’s fave, Continental Divide, and one of the best westerns ever, Winchester 73 (it stars Jimmy Stewart, but pay attention and you’ll see Rock Hudson as an Indian chief and Tony Curtis as a cavalry man) brings our total up to 271, not counting the porn---which grew by one when I found Ultimate Heather Hunter for $12.
THE DAY PORN RENTALS DIPPED 90%
Finally, this may not mean much to the rest of you, but if the computer guys in your office seemed a bit happier than usual last week, it’s because after 20 years of talking and planning, Justice League/Avengers finally hit the stands. That’s right, Superman, Batman and Wonder Woman, against Captain America, Thor and Iron Man. There was enough geek wood all over America to rebuild the Spanish Fleet. Unfortunately, I may be too old now, as it wasn’t the thrill I’d hoped it would be. Also, geek logic dictates that Superman would kick the shit out of the Avengers by himself, so what kind of battle is it going to be when he’s got seven of eight of his buddies behind him? Also, I’m over the whole superheroes fighting thing. Superman and Captain America would bond so quickly over mom, apple pie and doing the right thing it would make you sick, so there would be no fight.