NOVEMBER ARCHIVE

11/24/2003

“Alcohol is the anesthesia by which we endure the operation that is life.” George Bernard Shaw

CRAP IN THE HAT

Cat In The Hat opens at number one and there was no way in hell I was going to see this. First, I hate Mike Meyers. Yes, he’s had a few funny moments, but overall, he’s as annoying as hell, mugging and catch-phrasing his way through half-assed films that all you morons seem to love. Secondly, Dr. Seuss (Theodore Geisel) did not want live action versions of his films made. No matter how much money they through at him, he refused. I’m sure his body wasn’t even cold before his widow started inking deals. Let me explain something to you people: just because you sucked the dick of a genius, it doesn’t make you a genius. If it did, every groupie on a Led Zeppelin tour would be a guitar virtuoso and both Julia Roberts and Lara Flynn Boyle would be much better actresses. Ron Howard’s adaptation of “How The Grinch Stole Christmas” was an evil that guaranteed both him and Jim Carrey first class passage on the trip to hell. I saw it just to see how bad it would be and I was not disappointed. I had no such need this time around. I can see Mike Meyers doing his Linda Richman shtick in a cat suit in the commercials and that’s all I needed to be warned of the pain ahead. And what the fuck is Alec Baldwin doing in this at all!?! Oh, that’s right. They created a boyfriend for the mother for the movie. Yeah, that’s a reflection of Dr. Seuss’ genius. And Dakota Fanning has got to be one of the scariest kid actors ever. Great name, but being so pale white and having a voice that goes from little kid to old-woman-who-drinks-and-smokes-too-much is truly disturbing.

WHAT’S SCARIER THAN KISSING UGLY FAT MEN?

Gothika opens at number two and I had no illusions about this film. From the moment I heard that Penelope Cruz and Robert Downey Jr. were in it I knew it would be crap, as they have never, ever been in a good, much less a successful film (and I’m a fan of Woman On Top) and sadly, I was not wrong. The film’s crap level is almost instantaneous as Penelope Cruz’s opening lines reflect a third grade level of writing, wherein the characters just flat out tell you “I am this” or “I am that” as opposed to letting you discover it through competent dialogue and logical action. Literally every single movement in the first five minutes screams out “THIS WILL SHOW UP AGAIN LATER!!!” And to add insult to injury, Halle wussed out on the shower scene. So, perhaps, the one saving grace, the sight of Halle’s near-perfect body nude, isn’t here to save you. And no, it’s not scary. Do you think I would have been caught dead there if I thought for one second it was going to be a competent horror movie? Hell, The Former Miss Pretty Boy scared me more recounting an episode of Carnivale than this whole movie did. The closest thing this film has to terror is when Halle Berry kisses Charles Dutton. Fucking Charles Dutton! First Bill Bob and now this!?! Yeah, she got to kiss Hugh Jackman in Swordfish, but it hardly makes up for the horrors she’s had to suffer. Looking at it now, she was actually fortunate Adrian Brody kissed her.

IT’S NOT LIKE PAUL LE MAT SET THE WORLD ON FIRE EITHER

Elf is down to number three and like many I tend to forget that Mary Steenburgen has an Oscar. She won Best Supporting Actress for Melvin & Howard over 20 years ago. Sadly, it was downhill after that, when she quickly became regulated to “Wife-For-Actors-Of-A-Certain-Age” roles. But she still looks good. Good enough, in fact, to do a nude scene last year in Life As A House when she sleeps with her daughter’s pretty-boy boyfriend.

‘CAUSE WE WOULDA KICKED HIS LIMEY ASS!

Master and Commander: The Far Side of the World is down to number four and in the book the bad guy is actually an American, but they had to change it because no one would buy us losing to a buncha Brits led by a chunky actor from New Zealand! U.S.A! U.S.A! Actually, they’ve been denying that it was changed to avoid offending American audiences, but what other reason could there be? Besides, it’s not like anyone who read the books isn’t going to notice the change. Nor is there someone who’s going to say, “I was going to see that movie about 19th Century Naval Warfare set against the backdrop the Napoleonic Wars until they made the bad guy French.”

ONE MAN’S SKANK IS ANOTHER MAN’S BEAUTY QUEEN

Love Actually is actually one notch up to number five and apparently the English have the same attraction to our skanky women as we do to theirs. No less than five B and C List actresses turn up here, including both Shannon Elizabeth and Denise Richards. Personally, I think there are light years between these two skanks and someone like Elizabeth Hurley (not to mention the total lack of a hot accent). Shannon Elizabeth isn’t even pretty and Denise Richards’ porn star sex appeal is the result of plastic surgery. But the sad truth is, in England they’d both be top of the line. Ever see the women on the covers of the English editions of Stuff, Maxim and FHM on the stands (you can thank our oh-so-sophisticated mother country for giving us those magazines, by the way)? You ain’t gonna be confusing any of them with Vogue cover models any time soon. I may mock Denise Richards and her very obvious nose job, but at least she realized she probably needed one. Something Liz Hurley ever did. In fact, the pug nose is pretty much the trademark of English women.

DOES THIS MEAN ZION IS A CHOCOLATE CITY?

The Matrix Revolutions is down to number six and in case you haven’t been watching, the Wachowski Brothers love us people of color. First of all Keanu ain’t White. Those exotic good looks come from the fact that daddy is half-Chinese and half-Hawaiian. Secondly, what’s cooler to your average White boy than being told how cool you are by a really cool Black guy like Lawrence Fishburne (only being told that by Samuel L. Jackson gives you greater props)? Lastly, notice how all the White guys are either bad (Joe Pantoliano as Cypher, Mr. Smith, The Merovingian, The Twins, The Architect and all The Agents) or incompetent (the captain of one of the ships in this one). I won’t even get into the “Final Flight of Orisis” segment of the The Animatrix which has a strip sword duel between and Black man and an Asian woman that’s so much hotter than the Trinity/Neo sex scene it hurts. Then again, if you’ve ever ventured into the Adult section of your local video store you’ll see the two most dominant ethnic sexual themes involved either Black men or Asian women. Given how obsessed White men are with both, you’d think there’d be more porn combining the two, but no. They seem to just like bruthas with their women while they fulfill their little ricebuster fantasies with Asian women. Very, very odd.

BUT THE CLOCK IS TICKING…

Brother Bear is holding in there at number seven this week making $70M. Let’s give it a conservative estimated budget at about $50M. Granted, it will never make the needed $150M to turn a serious profit, but at this rate---especially with the holidays coming---it looks certain to break $100M, thus putting off the death of traditional animation just a little bit more.

DHARMA AND BUGS

Looney Tunes: Back in Action is down to number eight because 1) the kids today don’t give a shit about these old characters; and 2) those of us who do give a shit know what blasphemy this really. I mean who out there thought, “You know what I’d like to see? Jenna Elfman with Bugs Bunny.” Jenna Elfman!?! I mean, at least Brendan Fraser has George of the Jungle and The Mummy movies under his belt to pull in an audience. Who the hell is clamoring for Jenna Elfman? Sigh. Never, ever underestimate the pull of just being blonde and skinny in America. You think the Hilton Sisters would have gotten this far if they were brunettes who weighed more than ten pounds each?

BUT HE STILL SUCKED IN THE HOURS

Scary Movie 3 is down to number nine, followed by Radio at number ten and Ed Harris is also in The Human Stain, which was Oscar bait that never managed to make it into the top ten. Based on the Philip Roth novel, it’s about a middle-aged White college professor who loses his job when he makes what one student views as a racial slur. The irony is, he’s actually a light-skinned Black man who’s been passing for white for decades. Gee, think Vin Diesel and Jennifer Beals will see this? He then falls into a relationship with a cleaning woman portrayed by…Nicole Kidman? Yeah, now you can see why it’s failing. Not only do you get the unlikely sight of Nicole Kidman as a cleaning woman, but they have sex scenes. No way in the fucking world am I going to pay money to watch bloated, old Anthony Hopkins have sex with Nicole Kidman. The sad thing is, apparently Ed Harris is the best thing about it. Unfortunately for him, more people will see Radio than that.

GETTING BACK TO WHERE IT ONCE BELONGED

So, thanks to the death of half the band, Paul McCartney was able to go back in and remaster Let It Be to have all the things that Phil Spector did that so annoyed him removed. While I do like the less over-the-top version of “The Long And Winding Road” (even though it’s missing the “Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah” at the end---and you could hear it if you had sound, you sorry fuckers), he’s wrapped over an album that had great songs, but simply wasn’t that great. It’s not like Spector fucked up Sgt. Pepper or even Abby Road. No, he just screwed around with a doomed attempt by three solo artists and a drummer trying to once again be an actual band.

IT COULD BE WORSE; IT COULD BE JUNGLE BOOGIE

Speaking of music, my initial goal to my guitar instructor was that I needed to learn a Beatles song before I died. I’m up to about that I can play 13 in as half-assed a manner as possible (fuck you both, Paul and George and the “Daytripper” riff I still can’t play correctly). Needless to say, we can’t do Beatles all the time (otherwise I’d know the whole catalogue), so lessons now grow organically from previous lessons. Based on “Be Thankful” last week (I taught myself the two whole chords it takes to make that song) this week led to the “C-shaped” Barre chord and how it’s used a lot in R&B, which then led to exploring the Kool & The Gang catalogue until finally I learned “Too Hot.” Of course, like most of the songs I pick turned out to be more complex than initially imagined, mainly because it’s just drums, bass and keyboards and barely any guitar (again, you could hear it if you had sound). It’s always been one of my favorite Kool & The Gang songs because when I was 17, a girl (there’s always a girl) I once liked turned to me in the middle of study hall and sang the song’s first few lines to me: “At 17 we fell in love/High school sweethearts/Love was so brand new…” She may have sang more after that, but I couldn’t hear her, the blood was pounding so loudly in my head. In retrospect it was just cruel of her to do that to me, especially when she was dating one loser and sleeping with a third and neither one of these losers was me. I also taught myself a Depeche Mode song, but there’s no story or girl behind that.

AND LIKE ALL COMIC BOOK CREATORS, HE’S A FAT BOY!

Yes, I saw the article on comic books in the New York Times about Marvel’s Editor-in-Chief, Joe Quesada, who happens to be a native New Yorker. Well, one thing they completely overlook is that the guy who helped him “revitalize” Marvel was the president, Bill Jemas, who just lost his job, because a lot of the “revitalizations” were not only pissing off lots of geeks like me, but they were also fucking up the CEO’s attempts to sell Marvel’s characters in Hollywood. For example: Captain America is a lot less appealing of a character when you tie him to genetic experiments on Black people. The Two Gun kid is a lot less marketable as a western hero when you make him a fashion conscious gay cowboy in the Old West (though the little I read of the book was actually entertaining). The only good thing that came out of it was a book called “Alias” which was about a former superheroine who was now a private detective. It was part of their Adults Only MAX line, so she cursed, got drunk and in the very issue first had anal sex with superhero Luke Cage, Power man (the character Nicholas Coppola thought of when he changed his name to Nicholas Cage). In later issues she would get drunk and show up at his apartment and tell him he wasn’t half the man Daredevil was and then pass out---and now she’s pregnant with his child. But those moments were few and far between. He’s a good artist, but otherwise Joe Quesada sucks and hopefully will be retuned to just being an artist again…annoying geek bastard.

TAG TEAM DINNER DATES

Continuing with my efforts to leave the apartment once a week, last week I actually left twice: once in the company of Around The Way Girl and once with her good buddy The Former Miss Pretty Boy. First, it was dinner and a movie (The Missing, which I’ll talk about next week) with Around the Way Girl who gave me a book on martini’s, which lead to my latest experimentation with the French martini, composed of vodka (Stoli only), Chambord and pineapple juice. Not bad, but I’ve got literally dozens more to try out. Gonna avoid the one that tastes like liquorice though. I hate the taste of liquorice. And who the hell wants to drink a drink that’s black anyway. Blue, maybe. Red, definitely. But Black? Uh-uh. My night out with The Former Miss Pretty Boy was to a screening of Gothika, but before that we tried to do some shopping at Kenneth Cole, then Cole-Haan and then dinner at La Bonne Soup---where I’d been once before on New Year’s Eve with the French Woman and her brother---and I rediscovered the delicious danger that is French food. It’s cheeses and meats and pastries, but oddly not heavy and wine is damn near required. Now that’s eating! But now I have to go back for all the dishes I wanted but couldn’t have. This is why we saved them from the Germans, people. Well, this and their women.

I SHOULD JUST MOVE TO CHELSEA RIGHT NOW

So, in another blow to my efforts to convince people I’m straight, I find myself thinking about Broadway musicals. Most specifically Wicked, which is about Oz in the days before Dorothy (based on a novel) and you don’t get much freaking gayer than that. There’s a goddamn Judy Garland connection. Now, I’m not actually a fan of The Wizard of Oz. Sorry, but I never got over the Flying Monkeys. They scared me then and I’m really not looking forward to watching it now to see if their impact is the same. So, why this musical now? Well, as you know, Letterman has Broadway shows do numbers on a regular basis. Normally, I just skip them because musicals bore me senseless. I watched it this time to see just what it is that Mrs. Taye Diggs, a.k.a., Idina Menzel, who plays the Wicked Witch, does. She was actually amazing and I liked the number, so now I’m actually thinking of seeing it---which was the point of having it on Letterman to begin with. Seeing tickets to suckers like me who normally would never go. Then again, maybe I’ll just get the soundtrack and listen to that song and save myself three hours and the price of a Broadway ticket.

11/17/2003

“The real reason I’m not married is that I don’t want anyone yelling at me---and I always do something to make people yell at me.” --- Me

ME, MY ELF AND I

Elf moves to number one and because I knew I’d never see this on my own, I asked Surrogate Sister if she’d like to see it, so then I’d be obligated to go. It’s very cute and very sweet, with thankfully, some non-saccharine wit to break things up (Santa’s quick guide to New York City consisting of warnings about Famous Ray’s, peepshows and gum on the streets is my personal favorite). Then there are the homages to old Christmas TV shows and movies that pop up (especially the ones at the North Pole). But for most part this film is carried by Will Farrell, whose ego-less performance as Buddy The Elf is the source of 99% of its humor and charm. Also, his performance demonstrates just what it is that I hate about Mike Meyers. Will Ferrell plays Buddy The Elf straight for the entire ninety minutes of the film, never once breaking character to wink at the audience, which is what Meyers never stops doing (even in the commercials for Cat In The Hat, you can see him doing his shtick rather than playing the character). Unfortunately, even for a slight wisp of a film, it still runs out of gas by the film’s final ten minutes, but even that was saved by the effect the film had on the audience. See, there were a group of kids in the front row and when one of the characters starts singing “Santa Claus Is Coming To Town” all the little kids started singing along, so you had the chorus of tiny voices carrying the film to its conclusion. It was so sweet I’m still trying not to vomit.

FAT BOYS AT SEA

Master & Commander: The Far Side of the World, opens at number two and I have to admit I questioned the notion of turning a series of books about naval warfare in the 19th Century into a $100M+ movie. And I wasn’t alone. The cost of the film is divided amongst three movie studios. But believe it or not, the gamble seems to have paid off. I enjoyed this film, though it broke no new ground. I mean, if you’ve seen one movie about naval warfare (or even some Star Trek) then you’ve seen them all. Water, wind, costumes, shouting of weird nautical terms, cannons, swordplay, evil Frenchmen and God Love England; it never really changes. Nonetheless, for 2 hours and 20 minutes I was never bored (unlike say, fucking Matrix Revolutions). In a weird way I’m disappointed because I was looking forward to ripping on belligerent fat-boy actor, Russell Crowe, but he’s very good and given that he’s the only star of this film, he’s responsible as anyone for carrying it. And speaking of Star Trek, there’s a serious Kirk & McCoy vibe going on with Crowe’s character and the ship’s doctor, played by Crowe’s costar from A Beautiful Mind, Paul Bettany (the man who sleeps with Jennifer Connelly every night) a human dynamic that all the other Star Trek series never achieved but this movie does easily and well.

THE MATRIX BEYOND THUNDERDOME

The Matrix Revolutions is down to number three and don’t let them try and trick you with worldwide grosses. Dropping 66% in a week means this movie is not setting the world on fire. It’s made less than half of what the second one did in the same amount of time and it’s not getting any better thanks to lousy word-of-mouth from people like me. One big geek treat still here though is the presence of Bruce Spence as The Trainman. You know him better as The Gyro Captain from The Road Warrior and Mad Max Beyond Thunderdome. The man is in two huge movies and made to look as crappy as humanly possible. Granted, he’s probably nothing to look at to begin with, but you know he’s dying to at least be clean onscreen.

THA-THA-THA-THAT SUCKS, FOLKS

Brother Bear is down to number four, not setting the world on fire, but not tanking either. Followed by Looney Tunes: Back in Action. Will someone please tell me where in the history of Warner Brothers cartoons, the inclusion of live action humans was such a factor that they keep making these horrible, horrible movies. It was only 90 minutes and I was bored senseless. I’m sure I could count the few times I actually laughed---if I could remember them. In fact, the only joy I could find in this film was counting the endless references to other Warner Brothers movies, especially in a scene filled with monsters from This Island Earth, Day of the Triffids, Robot Monster, Dr. Who & The Daleks and a reference to the giant ants from Them. There’s even an appearance by a Black & White Kevin McCarthy carrying one of the pods from Invasion of the Body Snatchers. Yes, this is as good as it gets in the film. In fact, the biggest audience response came with a cameo from Michael Jordan and an actual creative joke with Scooby Doo and Shaggy threatening Matthew Lillard, who played Shaggy in the live action film. How sad is that? There’s a potentially witty joke involving Porky Pig and Speedy Gonzales being rendered useless because of political correctness, but it’s handled so poorly it’s not funny. There’s also the running gag of virtually every character from a Warner Brothers cartoon turning up in the background. The simple truth is, Warner Brothers cartoons were never meant to be feature length. Their success can directly be attributed to their brevity. They’re like cookies in that respect. While it seems like a good idea in theory, a giant cookie is an unwieldy, weird thing that few people really want. Just like this movie.

NEXT YOU’LL BE SEEING BRUTHAS IN SWEDISH MOVIES

Love Actually holds at number six and Keira Knightley, while very pretty at times, can also be quite frightening, with her mouth filled with long teeth. Combined with her skinny body, she often times looks like the Alien and I keep waiting for Sigourney Weaver to show up and try to kill her. In the film, she’s marrying a Black guy (played by Chiwetel Ejiorfor) and it’s not given a second glance or even a mention. In fact, you see more people of color in the first five minutes of this film than you see in half a dozen of romantic comedies set in New York City (much less fucking Friends) and this is FUCKING ENGLAND, the birthplace of Whiteness. How pathetic is that? Not to mention this film is rated “R” because in English romantic comedies people curse and actually have sex (where women don’t pull the sheets up to their necks). We’re being outdone by the English, people. Time to step up!

RAPPER WITHOUT A CAUSE

Scary Movie 3 is down to number seven, followed by Radio at number eight and Tupac: Resurrection. Can we please stop? He wasn’t fucking Elvis, people. He was just a rapper/actor, who upon further review, was obviously so goddamn manic depressive, I can’t believed he was never diagnosed. And enough about his death. It’s not a big mystery. He beat up a gang member and a few hours later was shot to death. Turn off the Bat-signal, commissioner, this one we can solve on our own (though I hold with the theory that Suge Knight killed him because he was going to leave the label). It’s not even like what he did was that revolutionary. You know what the key really is? He was good looking. I’m serious. Look at all the rappers and count the number who are not butt-fucking-ugly. It’s him, it’s DMX and I’m already out of names, ‘cause the rest are fugly. He was young, good-looking and charismatic. He’s more the James Dean of rap than anything else. Which means 50 years from now, we’ll still be seeing these movies, because they’ve been doing it for Dean since he died from stupidity as well.

THE END

Finally, Mystic River closes out the top ten at number ten, not to return until Award season.

SHORT MY ASS, I WAS THERE FOR TWO HOURS

At the behest of Movie Buddy ’98, I went to the 24th Annual Asbury Short Film Festival to see a collection of the best short films of recent years (and also part of my new plan to leave the house at least once a week). Even though they were supposed to be the best of the best, they were no more so than say, the Oscars, which means some were good, some were bad and some were downright ugly. What’s scary are the ones where someone obviously invested a lot of money and you see known actors, but fails because the script simply sucked. The most grievous example was “Tower of Babble” which had three different stories all using the same dialogue. Man, did it blow. If you want to see that same gimmick used effectively, see Hal Hartley’s Flirt.

THIS IS THE PART WHERE WE GET EVEN MORE SHALLOW THAN USUAL

In a world where Hedi Klum is pushed on me as being beautiful, when she’s just average-looking with a big rack for such as skinny girl, it does my heart good to see that gorgeous girl (Phillippa Hamilton, thank you Internet) in the Ralph Lauren Polo ads. And yes, I feel like a dirty old man, because she’s just as young as you think she is (a teenager, boys and girls). We can only hope she suffers the same fate as Leticia Casta, who is pretty much unrecognizable in those L’Oreal ads. While, granted, it was never about her face, having a baby pretty much stole her looks. And is that Queen Latifah on the cover of Allure? No, it’s freaking Catherine Zeta Jones. This makes me wonder what all this diet talk is about, as she obviously hasn’t lost that much weight if I’m confusing her with Latifah. No, she’s not fat, but she’s never really gone back to what she was before having kids and never will and you people should just get used to it.

IMAGINE IF MADONNA HAD AN ASS, BUT AN EVEN WORSE VOICE AND ZERO WRITING TALENT

Britney Spears never stops talking about how she’d like to be Madonna. Well, she’s succeeded, because like Madonna, even though I don’t give a shit, I know everything about her because she’s every-fucking-where! I caught some of her show on MTV where she hits a bunch of clubs in one night and I have to say she’s a little less-annoying now, having grown out of that extremely dumb teenager phase and is a lot more belligerent and sarcastic (when her older brother mocks her for not knowing something, she sarcastically replies, “Well, I was too busy selling 15 millions albums”) which have always been positive traits in my book. Not to mention finally telling all these concerned parents to raise their own damn kids and stop blaming her. On the other hand, running around half-naked and acting stupid about why people make noise about it is endlessly annoying. Not to mention her music still sucks massive donkey ass and she’s not helped by listening to Madonna, as evidenced by her horrible first single, which has to be the worst thing I’ve ever heard from her and that’s saying a lot (“Not A Girl, Not Yet A Woman” should be used to interrogate prisoners of war).

MY ANACONDA DON’T WANT NONE UNLESS SHE’S GOT BUNS HON!

Because I was so disgusted and amused by the show of hip-hop groupies on VH1 (hip-hop groupie = no teeth), I felt compelled to watch Nelly’s “Apple Bottom” search. There are many adjectives to describe what’s seen; “big” “round” “fat” and occasionally “disgusting” but “class” and “sophistication” are not among them. “Tattoo-free” also failed to come to mind. Helping to judge the women for this contest was Brian McKnight, and now that he’s single again is out so show that the sensitive singer he sounds like is a lie. And one of the Backstreet Boys was a judge too, but what the hell else does he have to do? And while the world does need clothing for women who are, as the bruthas like to say, “thick” it’s not the ugly shit Nelly is trying to sell with his Apple Bottom clothing line. It is the nastiest, cheapest stuff you will ever see. Ladies, stick to JLo’s big booty line.

“GOOD TIMES” NO MORE

I never cared for The Honeymooners because I simply don’t watch shows about unattractive poor people. It’s depressing. This is why the death of Art Carney has no effect on me. On the other hand I loved Chic and The Power Station, so the loss of drummer Tony Thompson cuts me deeply. He also played for David Bowie and sat in for the late John Bonham at the Led Zeppelin Live Aid reunion. Heaven’s got one funky rhythm section, considering Chic bassist (and ass-kicking producer) Bernard Edwards died a few years back. Of course, we’re being kind to say heaven. I mean they were successful musicians in 70’s and 80’s so who knows what kind of depravity they were party to. Lucky bastards.

IF YOU HAD TO SIT THROUGH HILARY DUFF, BRITNEY AND TOBY KEITH, YOU’D DRINK TOO

American Music Awards. Tuning in and out and I see Britney continue to commit fashion crimes against humanity and horribly perform her horrible song, then see Pink give ten times the performance with just a guitarist…I thought watching Rod Stewart trying to stay young was horrible until I watched him act his age by trying to sing standards. It would be so much better for his eventual legend if he joined this year’s gigantic list of the dead…Damn, John Oates is tiny. And ugly. Dude, grow that mustache back…Ashanti, who thinks she’s the equal to Beyonce, is finding out just how wrong she is as her album drops like a rock. Dance in the rain all you want to honey, but what you really need to be doing is calling Ja Rule back for another duet. …Ruben and Clay both suck. One is skinny and sucking in the closet (could he be more gay?) while the other is fat and sucking while watching the guy he beat become more successful…who the hell told Hilary Duff she could rock? We need to find this person and kill them. The scary thing, she did more “singing” than Britney actually did…I love how every time Outkast performs “Hey Ya” they do it with a different theme. This time it was an airline theme with him as pilot and the dancers as flight attendants. The other night it was him as a tennis pro with the girls in tennis whites. And I love how all of the male dancers for Big Boi were six feet tall and weighed about 300 pounds…why does a country artist have his backup singers dressed skanky? Because men are the same no matter what…Sheryl Crow, let the 70’s go, okay? Cat Stevens may have written “The First Cut Is The Deepest” but Rod Stewart defined it and would have been better off performing it than you…I forgive Three Doors Down a lot because their first hit was called “Kryptonite” but these mournful ballads they keep doing (especially the one that exploited the Gulf War) are getting on my nerves…damn, will Paula Abdul ever stop looking stunning to me?…Metallica, just give it up already…Best Unsigned Band, huh? Well thirty seconds of that and I see why you’re unsigned. Enough with white girls trying to sound soulful. When you do it without trying, that’s when it’s impressive…one thing I do like about Kid Rock is that he sits there and drinks through awards’ shows. That’s what I’d do. Hell, I think I ‘ll have one right now.

BUT FREE MUSIC JUST SOMEHOW SOUNDS BETTER

Finally, I bought my first piece of music online this weekend. But only because I couldn’t find it for free. I was mindlessly playing chords with my instructor and came across “Be Thankful” and it stayed with me for the rest of the day. You will never find a more pure representation of the soul of the 70’s (and if you had sound you could hear it). Actually, I found the original by William DeVaughn for free, but I discovered that Massive Attack did a cover and that I had to have (the version by soul-lite Portrait I could care less about). So, I signed up with Apple and for ninety-nine cents it was mine in seconds. How did we ever live without computers and broadband? Instant gratification rules! What else is worth .99 to me?

11/10/03

“A man can have two, maybe three love affairs while he’s married. After that, he’s cheating.” --- Yves Montand

THE MATRIX REDUNDANT

Matrix Revolutions opens at number one and this movie is so disappointing it made me mad. It sucks so badly, I can’t enjoy the first two anymore because I know how badly it ends. And finally, this movie is so bad I can’t believe George Lucas didn’t make it. Yeah, that’s right it’s Jar Jar Binks bad. It’s got all the hallmarks of a bad George Lucas movie: a writer/director beyond studio control, the resulting bad script, no sense of humor and more CGI than you can shake a stick at. What lets us know Lucas didn’t make it is that it’s well directed and there’s no fear of girls. While I was a little disappointed in The Matrix Reloaded, it wasn’t entirely disappointing as it brought in new characters and interesting ideas, not to mention having some seriously kick-ass action scenes, but this is all just pissed away in Revolutions. Granted, there technically aren’t two films, but one big film chopped in half, but once you realized they had to do that, then this second film should have been punched up a bit. But more importantly, someone should have sat down with the Wachowski Brothers and said, “Look you’re not as smart as you think you are and this is just a dumb science fiction movie crossed with Hong Kong action films. So lay off this stupid, pseudo-philosophy dialogue and give the people what they want.” There are two things worth seeing here: the invasion of Zion by the machines---which should put the children of a lot of computer programmers through college---and the final fight between Neo and Smith (which should get them through grad school). The latter is a sign that one day a really good superhero fight will be possible, as Neo and Smith fly through the air and punch each other through buildings. That’s right, I’m not a fan of Superman II. I didn’t even buy it on DVD. I know a lot of people think it’s better than the first, but you’re wrong! It sucks. Little dolls flying over a model set did not impress me, not to mention the lack of any kind of coherent logic (and don’t get me started on Margot Kidder’s parade of wigs). Ironically, a great deal of Superman II was shot along with Superman I, just like Matrix Reloaded and Matrix Revolutions. The ultimate test of this film was my bladder. All I could think of during the film’s big “climax” was how much I wanted to take a leak. A good movie can distract you from that, this one did not.

JERRY ULDINI THE MOVIE? NEVER GONNA HAPPEN.

Elf opens at number two and apparently the horrible trailers for this film don’t do it justice. Also it helps that Lorne Michaels and Saturday Night Live had nothing to do with it. That he avoided this trap again means Will Ferrell may have a career beyond SNL. Notice the most successful graduates of SNL (Eddie Murphy, Bill Murray) did no Saturday Night Live based movies or just one (Mike Meyers). Lorne Michaels = No Career Longevity.

A FINAL NAIL IN HIS CAREER, PERIOD, WOULD WORK AS WELL

Brother Bear holds up disturbingly well, making just as much the second weekend as the first and maintaining its position at number three. Well, as long as there are parents who need hour-plus distractions for their children, these movies will always make a little money. But maybe this will be the final nail in the coffin of Phil Collin’s movie musical career.

NO, I DON’T KNOW THE NAMES OF HIS FILMS

Scary Movie 3 is down to number four and despite the fact that I never remember his face anytime I see him, Simon Rex (who has this film’s funniest sequences) will always remain in my mind as that guy from MTV who once made gay porn. Not to mention the Village Voice showed a still from one of those films of him poolside with a boner.

LO, HOW THE MIGHTY HAVE FALLEN

Radio is down to number five and believe it or not, Debra Winger is in this piece of shit. Now how the fuck did that happen!?! Once the actress of her generation (they way critics keeps insisting Sean Penn is, but unlike him, she proved it) she’s now supporting a B-list actor playing a retard in an Oscar-begging performance. Yes, I know she left voluntarily and years from now, when her kids aren’t overdosing or robbing liquor stores, she’ll be glad she was there to raise them, but this woman deserves a little more respect than this. Her return to mainstream film acting (the indie movie she made for her dumbass husband, Arliss Howard, amounts to spousal abuse) should have been shouted from the rooftops, not an “Oh, by the way, guess who’s also in this?” This is a woman once compared to Bette Davis---BY BETTE DAVIS!

“I FEEL IT IN MY FINGERS/I FEEL IT IN MY TOES…”

Opening at number six in less than 600 theaters is Love Actually and I had to pee really badly during the climax of this film as well (at 128 minutes it’s exactly one minute shorter than Matrix Revolutions), but I didn’t care because I was engaged with what was going on onscreen. The first film directed by Richard Curtis, the writer of Four Weddings and a Funeral, Notting Hill and the screenwriter of Bridget Jones’s Diary it’s got everything those had (including a healthy dose of British Pop songs, which is where the title originates), but sadly, without the focus because you’ve got almost ten different stories gone on amongst people who are loosely connected. Hugh Grant is the Prime Minster who falls for a staff member on the first day. Emma Thompson is his sister and her best friend is Liam Neeson, who just buried his wife and is now facing his stepson’s first crush alone. Alan Rickman is her husband who’s facing temptation at his office, where Laura Linney works and is in love with another co-worker. Their office Christmas party is at a space run by the best friend of Keira Knightley’s new husband, who happens to be secretly in love with her. At her wedding is a waiter frustrated by his success with women in England and goes to America with a backpack filled with condoms. I think that’s it. Oh, and Colin Firth is a friend of Keira Knightley who flees to France after finding his girlfriend with his brother and falls for his Portuguese housekeeper---who speaks neither French or English. Also, Bill Nighy is aging rock star (he did this previously in the underrated Still Crazy) who’s attempted comeback pops up in the background of pretty much every storyline. And then there’s story about a couple of movie stand-ins, but I’m tired and they were played by unattractive nobodies. In any case, as is his wont, Richard Curtis feels obligated to balance off his sweetness and wit with, with utter pain and wit (9/11 is mentioned before the title even appears). In addition to all this love and humor something painful and depressing happens and not every story has a happy ending (but most of them do). After all, it was called Four Weddings and A Funeral, not Four Weddings and A Mild Stroke. Not to mention the painful moment where Kristin Scott Thomas reveals her unrequited love for Hugh Grant. Personally, I can live without this realism. I can get that shit in my real life. I don’t need to see it wittily portrayed onscreen, thus making my usual weeping and puking in reaction to such events all the more pathetic in comparison.

GET A REAL JOB!

The most annoying actor of his generation, Sean Penn is down to number seven with Mystic River. And you know, I’m sick of these ungrateful actors like Harrison Ford and Sean Penn bitching about their work and yes, this includes Hugh Grant. You don’t like it? Go dig a fucking ditch or sit in a cubicle and tell me again how a job that lets you bone Madonna and Liz Hurley is a pain. Better yet, do a little theater, where you get all the acting, but little money, less fame and no celebrity sex (but you can always, always, always bang the ingénues).

LET US NOT FORGET EMPIRE OF THE ANTS

The Texas Chainsaw Massacre is down to number eight and this will undoubtedly lead to a series of remakes of old horror films from the 70’s. Incredible Melting Man anyone? What about The Giant Spider Invasion (which actually had only one spider invading, though it was gigantic). Kingdom of the Spiders? Me, I wouldn’t mind a little CGI enhanced Food of the Gods, which scared me to death as a kid with those giant rats, but I loved it.

REMEMBER WHEN EVERY SUCCESSFUL MOVIE BECAME A TV SHOW?

Down to number nine is Runaway Jury and also starring in this is Rachel Weisz and believe it or not, but they’re trying to make a TV series based on About A Boy with Patrick Dempsey in the Hugh Grant role. Now, I enjoyed the movie but didn’t love it enough to get upset about this (I save my rage for bad superhero TV shows). In fact, I think School of Rock, which is down to number ten, would be a great TV show about a wannabe rocker who gets trapped in a job as a school music teacher. What would really make it great is that JACK BLACK WOULDN’T BE IN IT! Or it could be a has been rocker. I’m sure Rick Springfield or anyone else from the 80’s needs a job. Or forget Rick. Mr. Gwen Stefani (a.k.a., Gavin Rossdale) is younger and also needs work, now that his band Bush is just about dead. Plus he’s got the accent. No, he can’t act (as evidenced by his guest appearance on The Chris Issak Show) but what’s that got to do with anything? Besides, there’s long list of post-grunge rockers looking for work. No, Scott Weiland, we don’t need to see you read.

THAT’S 277, NOT COUNTING THE PORN

So, the DVD onslaught continues, making me buy like I haven’t done since I was flush with my new DVD player years ago. Last week it was not only the great Finding Nemo (which is the best picture of 2003 in my opinion) but finally a group of Humphrey Bogart films, not the least of which is To Have & Have Not, which introduced both Bogie and the world to 19-year-old Lauren Bacall. And no, I don’t know why she calls him Steve throughout the film even though his name is Harry.

DEATH: THE HARDEST WORKING MAN IN SHOW BUSINESS

So one of the Righteous Brothers is dead. Sadly, it wasn’t the tall annoying one who sang that horrible song from Dirty Dancing, but the short one who was not at fault that “Unchained Melody” (which you could have heard if you had sound) was used in Ghost. And it’s not just celebrities who are dying. Madame Chiang Kai Shek just died recently as well. Who the hell knew she was still alive? And the news reports just killed me. They couldn’t give a cause of death but she was ninety-two fucking years old. Yes, she lost China to Mao and the communists, but don’t for cry her, Guangdong Province. She died on her forty-acre estate out on Long Island. Also among the non-performer casualties are creator of Shrek as well as the man who created Richie Rich. I mean no one is safe this year. And we still have yet to get to he end-of-the-year rush, where some die just to fuck up those end-of-the-year magazine issues. It’s what I’d do. I’d hold on until January 1st just to piss people off.

I DRINK TO JUSTIFY MY CUPBOARD

So I bought some pint glasses and some 23-ounce Pilsner glasses in an effort to rid my house of plastic. It might have been a mistake because it seems wrong to drink anything else but beer out of the Pilsner glasses (they look like beer ads when you fill them up), so I feel compelled to drink beer and I’m not really a beer drinker. My goal was to fill them with cranberry-grape juice, but no, I just find myself in the local deli buying those big bottles of beer like I’m going to be drinking on the street with my friends. Next I’ll be getting forties.

PARIS HILTON IS A PORN STAR’S NAME ANYWAY

So Paris Hilton’s parents are threatening to sue the guy who is trying to sell this videotape of her boning. I just have one question: the fuck wants to see Paris Hilton naked? While I’m amused to no end that this useless skank is now paying the price for her worthless lifestyle (not to mention the fact that Shannon Dougherty may be the personal responsible for the tape leaking because it’s her estranged husband Paris is fucking in the tape), who really wants to watch a dumb teenager boning? As I’m always telling my buddy, yeah, young flesh is nice, but they come without skills and I’m not running a school here. If you don’t know to play gently with my balls, I’m really too impatient to tell you. Her parents are threatening legal action, but she’s going to run into the same problem all these idiots do: you’re a famewhore. In the end, you’d rather be publicly embarrassed than ignored. This is why they can’t make the “it damages my reputation” argument convincingly. “Okay, Miss Hilton, when you were photographed without panties at this film premiere, where was your concern for your reputation then?” The sad thing is, the way things are now, something like this only enhances your reputation as a moneymaker. Can you say “Pamela Anderson”?

AS RAP HAS PROVEN, GOOD MUSIC TRANSCENDS EVERYTHING

Normally, I hate the practice of singing over old melodies with new lyrics. It’s the sad fallout from the success of rap and it’s the epitome of lazy songwriting. Hell, it’s not even writing. It’s the kind of thing drunk karaoke singers do. But to every rule there is an exception and this one is Simply Red’s latest attempt to invade these shores with “Sunrise” where they sing over the melody of Hall & Oates “I Can’t Go For That” (and if you had sound, you could hear it right now). It’s just such a smooth groove, it’s all but impossible to fuck up. A video filled with hot models humping each other helps. Believe it or not, but they never stopped being stars in England where that ugly red-haired bastard is a superstar. And like most English stars, every few years they try to make a push here, because if you’re not a pop star in America, you’re simply not a pop star. And it’s not even about fame so much as it is about money. You make it here once and you’re set for life. They got a taste of it back in the 80’s with “Holding Back The Years” and a cover of “If You Don’t Know Me By Now” (though my personal favorite was “Money’s Too Tight To Mention”) and never got over. Neither did Kylie Minogue and after years of trying she eventually persevered. Unfortunately, this only served to give hope to bands like Simply Red, who at least had the common sense to go with something that had already been successful (ironically, around the same time they were).11/13/03“[Pride is] the only trip. You are who you are because of your ego.” --- John Cassavetes

EVEN MORE NON-DESCRIPT THAN NEVE CAMPBELL---IF THAT’S POSSIBLE

Holding strong at number one is Scary Movie 3 and I had no idea the same girl from the first two Scary Movies was still the lead here. She’s much more attractive as a blonde, which is something you will almost never hear me say. But it’s actually a problem for her. How can you be the star of two (soon to be three) $100M movies and still be unknown? Makes it pretty it pretty hard to up your price. After all, it’s not like anyone is paying to see you. But the fact that they parody a film which had more of a lead than the previous ones, does help her case. A bit. She may be onscreen more than anyone else. And also, she’s not being covered in semen this time.

DID THEY MAKE A CRAPPY BEAR MOVIE IN THE WOODS?

Brother Bear opens at number two and Disney is killing traditional hand-drawn animation with these sappy ass stories. A story about a man who becomes a bear and learns about love and family? Even when I was a kid that would have made me puke. And whose bright idea was to get Joaquin Phoenix to do the voice? Is there something distinctive about that fucking whisper that I’ve missed? Obviously someone realized that neither he or that stupid story were going to draw people in and the ad campaign was changed to deemphasize the treacley crap and emphasize, yes, Rick Moranis and Dave Thomas as the moose. Yes, the return of Bob & Doug McKenzie of the Great White North! Man, if ever there was a series that didn’t get it’s due, it was SCTV. Yeah, Bob & Doug did break out with the song by Geddy Lee and they got to destroy themselves with that horrible movie, Strange Brew, but the show was the equal of the original Saturday Night Live, easily. It makes sense when you realize how all that Lorne Michaels fucking did was raid the cast of Second City.

THE SEVENTH HEAVEN OF MY PARTY OF FIVE

Texas Chainsaw Massacre is down to number three and while I like Jessica Biel’s body (again, it’s almost perfect) I can already feel my stomach turning over hearing her being described as being “beautiful” over the course of the coming year thanks to the success this movie is going to bring her. Hey, if raccoon-faced Neve Campbell could suddenly become hot because of Scream, then she can become hot because of this (stroke-faced Katie Holmes is still trying and the genuinely lovely Keri Russell is nowhere to be scene). Similar circumstances too: both came from successful TV dramas that caused me physical pain to try and watch.

DROP KICK ME, JESUS, THROUGH THE GOAL POSTS OF LIFE

Radio is down to number four and just how annoying would it be to have some mentally disabled guy coming to you when your team is down 28 to zip yelling, “Don’t give up! Don’t give up!” the way Cuba Gooding Jr. is shown in the commercials? I think even Jesus would clip his ass around the third time. Of course, if you’ve got Jesus on your team, I have to ask how is it that you’re losing and why doesn’t he just heal the retarded guy? (“Coach, Jesus says it would be cheating to heal the team’s injuries and he won’t do it.”). I get the feeling someone saw Remember the Titans and remembered that he had Cuba Gooding Jr. under contract and decided to try and made one of his own. Well, remember that Remember The Titans sucked ass too.

HE’S TALL WHEN HE STANDS ON HIS EGO

Runaway Jury is down to number five and much is being made of this being the first time Dustin Hoffman and Gene Hackman have worked together. Honestly, who cares? The 70’s were a long, long time ago, back before Hackman became part of the “whore trifecta” that is Hackman, Duvall and Caine, appearing in ever other fucking movie ever made between the three of them. Hoffman isn’t around as much simply because he can no longer carry a film on his own and his ego won’t let him support the younger actors like the rest of his 70’s counterparts. Duvall and Hackman both supported Tom Cruise, but Dustin Hoffman was his co-star and has the Best Actor---not Best Supporting Actor---Oscar to prove it. And just when I thought John Cusack couldn’t disappoint me any further, he’s now trying to fuck Britney Spears!?! What makes this sad is that he’s a pretentious muthafucka who postures like he’s smarter than other actors and above certain things. Well, apparently one of things isn’t 21-year-old pop star pussy. I bear her no ill will because the first thing you’re supposed to do when you get famous is to fuck all the people in the movies you like. But she’s going to find out the hard way that Cusack is not Lloyd Dobbler (his character in Say Anything) just like all the other women in the world. And he likes to sniff women’s armpits. Now that’s just weird.

IN THE WORDS OF YUL BRYNNER, “ECECTERA, ECECTERA…”

Mystic River is down to number six followed by Kill Bill Vol. 1 at number seven and School of Rock at number eight.

BESIDES, FAT GUYS ARE FUNNY

Intolerable Cruelty is down to number nine and perhaps the one constant in every Coen Brothers film is men screaming. I think Fargo is perhaps the exception that proves the rule, but all the others have at least one scene where some man just screams at the top of his lungs. Sometimes it’s two men together and usually fat. Speaking of which, just what the hell was the ultimate Coen Brothers alum, John Goodman, doing that he couldn’t be here?

AND CUT RHYMES WITH BUTT

Finally, entering the top ten at number ten is In The Cut, which in addition to being blatant Oscar bait for all involved, is destined to be known as “that film where Meg Ryan was naked and took it in the ass.” Of course, not having seen it, I don’t know if they kept that scene (not to mention the incredibly non-Hollywood ending), but I once dated a woman (I did too, so stop laughing!) who had the book and I looked through it because of what I’d read about it in the New York Time Book Review (I did too read the NY Times Book Review, so stop laughing!), and the character Meg Ryan is playing not on engages in anal congress in a police station, but masturbates later while thinking about it. Yes, this is her Looking For Mr. Goodbar (whose name in this case is both “Oscar” and “career longevity”), the film that shattered Diane Keaton’s image as a nice girl and ironically came out the same year as Annie Hall (the film When Harry Met Sally ripped off and made Meg Ryan a star), for which she did win her Oscar. Even more irony, Meg Ryan actually did a little nudity earlier in The Doors, where she played the girlfriend of Jim Morrison who sang, “I wanna be your backdoor man.” See, it’s all connected somehow. Now, I normally like Mark Ruffalo, but his “New Yawk” accent in just the commercials annoyed the shit out of me. “I can take ya to a fancy restaurant.” Who the hell actually talks like that!?! It’s like something out of the 40’s or 50’s. Jennifer Jason Leigh is here as Meg Ryan’s best friend and even in literature we know what that means.

“YOU’RE A RICH GIRL/BUT YOU’VE GONE TOO FAR/’CAUSE YOU KNOW IT DON’T MATTER ANYWAY/BUT YOU CAN RELY ON THE OLD MAN’S MONEY”

I’ve missed Born Rich, the documentary on rich kids, made by one of the heirs to the Johnson & Johnson fortune, but I did catch something similar on MTV, Rich Girls. It stars Tommy Hilfiger’s daughter and some other girl (Jamie Gleicher). It shows them living a privileged life here in NYC of private schools and limousines everywhere they go. It starts off with them saying that just because they’re rich doesn’t mean they aren’t good people. No, it doesn’t but just because you’re rich it doesn’t mean you’re not butt ugly either and they both are. First the Hilton sisters and these two. Aren’t rich people supposed to have their pick of mates? Shouldn’t at least one of the parents be attractive then? My god. What’s the point of being rich if you can buy yourself a good-looking spouse? And we have seen the ultimate corruption of the rich in our media centric society. It used to be that you were only mentioned in the media twice when you’re rich: your birth and your death. Now, one of these girls openly announces in the first episode (I won’t be watching a second) that she’s a virgin and wants to lose her virginity on prom night. Again, what’s the point in being rich in Manhattan if you have to lose your virginity like poor kids in Kansas? What makes this even more sad, is that she doesn’t have a date and she’s organizing the freaking prom (I told you she was ugly). She then calls one of her guy friends to be her date, a week before, failing to mention, “Oh, by the way, I expect you to take my virginity.” I decided a nap was a better use of my time after that, so I have no idea how it ends. Nor do I care.

JUST HOW DO YOU SAY “GOLDDIGGER” IN SWEDISH?

While in Arizona I was also forced to watch The Next Joe Millionaire. One thing I can tell you now, is the European women were much hotter than their American counterparts. Flat stomachs and real breasts everywhere. And these are just the girls that could speak English. But if you’ve ever seen any euro-porn (I have but it’s not my thing because Europeans like it super-freaky) then you know even their porn stars are stunning. They were also openly more mercenary, which makes sense. There’s not much I can say about Europeans, but being older countries, they have fewer illusions about this sort of thing. Then won’t even pretend it’s about love. Also, they were more willing to get drunk at the drop of a hat, and what’s better than a hot chick with an accent drunk off her ass? Needless to say, the Joe Millionaire guy this time was another doofus, though not quite the same level of dumbass as the first. But still had that same annoying, “I don’t know if I can do this. I feel bad” hypocrisy going on. Listen, Joe, if you were truly a nice guy you couldn’t be on a show like this, period. The fact that you are makes you the same kind of whore as the girls, if not worse. But I have to say, I dug Olinda, the truly mercenary Swede, who looked like she’d kill the other girls in their sleep if she had to. I read in Entertainment Weekly that after being eliminated on the second episode, one of the girls said it happened because, “I cursed, I was drinking vodka and I wasn’t wearing any underwear.” Shit. That’s what I call wife material right there. Where the hell is my passport?

“HEY, KID, YOU GOT SOME DIRT ON YOUR CHIN.”

One minor thing I forgot about Vegas is that I was carded when I first sat down at the roulette table. I’d love to say that, despite not sleeping more than five hours a night since my freshman year of college, I’ve still managed to hang on to my youthful good looks, but mostly I think it was because I hadn’t shaved (okay, depilatoried) in almost three weeks and had the kind of sorry-ass facial hair that only teenage boys can manage.

BETTER YET, USE THAT MONEY AND GET SOME DENTAL WORK DONE

Okay, someone please explain to me the whole P. Diddy runs New York thing. Why is he trying to get normal people to give money for New York schools WHEN HE’S A FUCKING MULTI-MILLIONAIRE!?! So he raised $2M. So fucking what!?! How much does his dumbass bling-bling lifestyle cost a year? How many textbooks could that buy? And for all his running, why didn’t his body get any better looking, any leaner? And he’s so ugly. So fucking ugly. Without money and music, he’d never get laid. Especially with that dumb haircut he got. Now, I love The Time more than anyone, but I wouldn’t pay a manservant so I could pretend to be Morris Day and Jerome, which is what he does. Again, how many textbooks could that guy’s salary buy? Finally, given that he’s doing this for education, why doesn’t he learn a little English first? Nothing is more embarrassing than Black people who speak English like it’s a second fucking language and Puff Daddy is one of those people.

YOU MEAN WE DON’T EAT WITH OUR FINGERS EITHER?

So, in addition to my rube moment at the MGM Grand, I had a second rube moment last week with Movie Buddy ’98 at Becco, an Italian restaurant on Restaurant Row. We went in for one of those specials where you get many courses for a set price. This one was special because you got a different wine with every course. Our big rube moment came with the fig and proscuitto came and we both realized we’d never eaten figs (fig newtons don’t count) and had no idea if you ate the skin or not. Needless to say, it’s so tender that you obviously do, but it was another sad clue as to our hopelessly middle class origins. I also learned that, once and for all, I’m no fan of lamb. It just tastes funny to me, like it’s undercooked beef. And while I love cheese, I will not accept buffalo mozzarella with honey as a dessert as they did there. Bring me some goddamn chocolate!

I NOW PRONOUNCE YOU GEEK AND GEEK

My meals out continued when I had brunch with The Lunatic (so named because if she’d lay off the crazy juice, she could be Mrs. Angrygeek) for her birthday at Five Points downtown. Not only was the food good and the day nice, but I also saw the Former Miss Pretty Boy there with her new fiancée, not to mention loads and loads of eye candy. So much so that it became almost distracting, especially when this tall, gorgeous Spanish woman sat down right next to us. I sometimes forget in my recluse lifestyle just how many beautiful women live in this freaking city. Now, I’d planned on buying The Lunatic The Road Warrior DVD as a birthday present just as I’d planned on one day buying the Indiana Jones DVD box set, but it was the pitcher of mimosas we had that made me decide to them both right after breakfast (but I bought The Hulk stone cold sober the previous day, so our total is now 275 DVD’s, not counting the porn). And while I’m sure she didn’t do anything she might not have otherwise done, I think the alcohol played some small part into her going into Forbidden Planet and buying some Lord of the Rings figurines. Like I said, if she weren’t crazy she’d be a good geek wife with habits like that. Though I’m sure we’d fuck up our kids. “We’re not going to tell you again. You have your own toys. You cannot play with mommy’s or daddy’s.”

IT’S LIKE ME GOING OUT DRESSED AS A GEEK

So I went out to see the Halloween parade (thus totaling three total excursions from my home in a week) for the first time in at least five years. I met Nice Jewish Doctor on 6th and 21st with her son---dressed like a pumpkin for his first Halloween. There is a certain amount of fun to it, I must admit and some of the more twisted costumes are always fun (though I didn’t personally seen any mauled Siegfried and Roy’s), but it wears thin quickly and soon you are just left with large, annoying crowds. At least now that I’m old and my friends have children, we’re not off on some fruitless quest to find a bar to try and get into. No, we just go home. But why is the most common female costume Catholic Schoolgirl Slut? And how is it so many women “just happen” to have that in their wardrobes? Let’s face it, the only difference between that “costume” and what you usually wear out is that it was Halloween and you were wearing pigtails. And I’m not sure about the pigtails either. Only the Asian girls put a spin on it, by adding a coat and a razorball and going as Go-Go Yubari from Kill Bill. But my favorite of the night had to be not one, but two guys dressed as Aquaman.

I COULD SOONER GET BLOOD FROM A STONE THAN MONEY FROM YOU PEOPLE

It’s November and time for another taste of what you cheap bastards refuse to pay for every month in CMJ: New Music Monthly. God forbid you listen to something outside of Britney’s lame new single:

Movies about bands usually suck as a rule, much less a movie about an all-girl rock band based on a autobiographical stage play, no less. Now you’re “0” and “3.” Much to my surprise, Prey For Rock & Roll proved to be a very engaging film, with a realistic edge to it. Yes, there’s an abundance of clichés (drug abuse, infighting, quest for a record contract, etc.), but at this point they seem not so much clichés, as just part of any band’s makeup, like drums and bass. It helped that I saw it at a screening filled with tattooed rock chicks, included the writer of the original stage play, Cheri Lovedog (of the band, um, Lovedog). Gina Gershon---doing her own guitar and vocals---stars as the leader of the all-girl band, Clamdandy, (yeah, that means exactly what you think it does), whose members include guitarist Lori Petty (to whom time has not been kind, though those weird ticks seem to be gone) and the luscious Drea DeMatteo as her bassist (finally in a role where she can show all her tattoos). Gina is a tattoo-artist-by-day, rocker-by-night who is approaching her 40th birthday and questioning whether or not she should still be chasing this rock & roll fantasy in a Britney Spears world. Not helping matters are Drea’s drug problem, a violent attack on one band member and the senseless death of another (made obvious by being the least likely to go). After awhile I was thinking she should just change the band’s name to “Job.” Despite the darkness, it’s a not a depressing film, with the first half being almost a comedy. It still manages an upbeat ending that comes in firmly behind tilting at windmills---no matter how stupid you look in those leather pants at your age.

REALITY IS A CRUTCH FOR THOSE WHO CAN’T HANDLE COMIC BOOKS

Finally, after being depressed from just one too many times by the smallest shit on the planet (starting with being banned from internet chat rooms) and a few days of not eating (which almost got me back into my skinny jeans) I’ve returned to my therapist. No, I’m not worried about the otters any longer. In fact, I never was. No, my real problem is that you fucking people won’t acknowledge me as a god and do what I tell you to (that’s how I define having “control issues”). That’s what’s making me crazy. Why can’t you all just yield to my divine will? You fucking monkeys. And I had to take the 8:15 am time slot. I blame you all for that too. But I’m feeling much better now. As the brownies at 1:00 am can attest. Sigh. I was so looking forward to wearing those skinny jeans again.

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