MARCH '04 ARCHIVE

3/29/04

“Those who believe that they are exclusively in the right are generally those who achieve something.” --- Aldous Huxley

AND VELMA’S SUPPOSED TO BE CHUNKY!

Scooby Doo 2: Monster’s Unleashed opens at number one and oddly continues the theme of dead things at number one (they are supposedly chasing ghosts after all). As someone who loved the original Scooby-Doo (as all true fans know, the show was officially over the moment Scrappy Doo was created), this remains blasphemy. They even had the nerve to set this particular movie in the hometown of the Scooby gang as mentioned in the cartoons (Coolsville). On top of that, they include some of the villains from the original cartoon. Well, you still won’t get my money, you sorry sons-of-bitches! But when you have millions of kids who’ve never seen the sacred originals, much less the sacred originals while hopped up on sugar coated cereal at 8:00 am on a Saturday morning (how this generation is more obese than we were mystifies me), you don’t need the money of angry middle-aged geeks. What’s even more evil is that the success of this allows Sarah Michelle Gellar to continue her bitch goddess delusion that she’s some sort of star and doesn’t have to appear on Angel’s last episode. It also allows her stupid, talent-free, disgrace-to-his--father’s name, Freddie Prinze Jr., to keep working at all. All the others seem to know just how precarious their situation truly is. And if they don’t, I’m sure lucky-to-be-in-any-major-movie, Alicia Silverstone let them know on-set. Yes, the woman who supplanted Winona Ryder as the child-woman old men wanted to fuck (before Britney and Natalie Portman then supplanted her and the Olsen Twins supplanted them) is in this movie as a supporting player. How humiliating is that? First a lame-ass TV show and now this. Hey, it’s what you get for not eating meat.

OOH, AND I LIKE NOTHING IN COMMON TOO

One good thing about Scooby Doo is that it kept The Ladykillers out of the top spot and I have simply grown to resent all that Tom Hanks does, even though I don’t necessarily dislike him. What can I say? I will always love Bosom Buddies, so he’ll always get a pass from me for that. Not to mention I like all his films that weren’t hits, like The Money Pit, Volunteers, Bachelor Party and That Thing You Do. But even though this is a Coen Brothers film, I still won’t see it. Sorry, but this is their second foray into non-original material (not that they weren’t always stealing something from someone) and it simply does not feel right. And where the hell is John Goodman? Now, if John Goodman had played the Tom Hanks role, you couldn’t keep me away, because then I would know the movie came before the star. No so much here. In fact, I’m noticing that without John Goodman, their films simply don’t seem to work.

ASK YOURSELF: WOULD JESUS TURN HIMSELF IN AFTER COMMITTING A MAJOR FELONY?

Passion of the Christ is down to number three and supposedly some guy was so overwhelmed by seeing this, he confessed to the murder of his pregnant girlfriend. Well, that’s all and good, but couldn’t he have seen the film before he decided he didn’t want to be a father! Oh, and here’s an idea, ignore the beliefs of people like Mel Gibson AND WEAR A FUCKING CONDOM!!! Murder is far from the best method of birth control. And if you think being a father is a prison, wait till you get to the real thing. At least there was very little risk of anal rape while seeing your bastard son on weekends. And this in no way makes up for the woman who had a heart attack and died seeing it. And unlike the star of this film, neither of these women is coming back.

BET YOU FUCKERS LAUGH AT FUNERALS TOO

Dawn of the Dead is down to number four and I will never understand the appeal of zombie movies. Unlike vampires or werewolves, there’s no human component to give it any appeal to me. Not to mention the complete and utter lack of any sort of sexual aspect that even your basic slasher movie provides. Obviously, you don’t want to have sex with them and you’re really not up for gettin’ down when at any moment something that used to be your mailman is going to come in and try to eat you. Also, I’m getting old and I just don’t get a kick out of seeing innocent people die horribly (even if it’s horribly comic) onscreen, screaming as they go down. What the fuck is wrong with you people that you do? Didn’t mommy hug you enough as a child?

OF COURSE A MOVIE ABOUT A BROOKLYN GIRL WOULD HAVE GOTTEN AN “R”

Jersey Girl opens at number five and this may be it for me and Kevin Smith, of whom I’ve been a devoted follower since Clerks came out ten years ago (yes, it’s been that long, kids). Yes, he’s a better director than he was, but what’s that saying, considering how badly he sucked? Now, it’s his writing that’s not up to the task. Jersey Girl is the story of expatriate Jersey Boy, Ben Affleck, who lives a great life in Manhattan, only to lose it all after his wife dies in the most ridiculous death-in-childbirth scene ever. It borders on comedic, which is really fucked up, considering it’s supposed to be serious. Someone should have shown Kevin Smith the heartbreaking childbirth scene from She’s Having a Baby (which is why so many of us tend to get teary-eyed when we hear that damn Kate Bush song). That ended well and still had a greater impact than watching JLo die in this. So Ben Affleck moves back to Jersey to live with his dad and winds up spending the next seven years there raising his daughter (he destroys his career when he says Will Smith will never be more than a two-bit TV star---right before Independence Day is released). Fine, this makes sense. What doesn’t make any sort of sense is that JLo doesn’t seem to have a family. What Puerto Ricans do you know with no fucking family!?! There should have been grandparents there, fighting for a role in their granddaughter’s upbringing, not to mention aunts, uncles and cousins. Kevin Smith gives JLo the ultra-cute and ultra-stupid name of Gertrude Steiny (but this from the guy who named his daughter Harey Quinn, after a fucking comic book villain), but that still doesn’t free him from anything. At best, she’s half-Jewish, which means the only ethnic group more likely to have numerous, interfering relatives than Puerto Ricans should also be around, pitching a fit over the girl going to Catholic school. I’ve never, ever found George Carlin funny, so the fact that he doesn’t annoy me here does say something good about it, but Liv Tyler is wasted in as Affleck’s first love interest as a widower (no to mention they should’ve cast a real Tri-state girl in the role). First of all, she joins Kevin Smith’s pantheon of incredibly sexually open women who strangely reside in New Jersey’s small towns. She’s a grad student, who quizzes Ben Affleck about his porn rental choices, confesses to masturbating twice a day and then bullies him into accepting a mercy fuck from her (though never consummated). Now, I know women who actually do behave this way (in fact, I don’t know many who don’t), so I can tell you when this type of character is being mishandled into being little more than a fantasy instead of a three-dimensional flesh-and-blood woman. The rest of the plot is nothing new, but I really didn’t expect to be. It’s your usual “man has life renewed by precocious child or children” routine. I just expected a bit more from Kevin Smith.

NOT ALL FRENCHMEN ARE EVIL; JUST MOST OF THEM

Taking Lives is down to number six and Tcheky Karyo is in this and not playing an evil asshole for the first time in forever. If you’re like me, you remember first seeing him as a much colder Bob, the handler in La Femme Nikita (in the lame American remake, No Way Out, Gabriel Byrne’s Bob let her go; Tcheky’s Bob was going to kill her). But you know the average Hollywood idiot has only seen Bad Boys, so that’s why he’s always that role in US films. I hope he’s just doing this crap for the money and has a more diversified career back in Paris.

HE’S ACTUALLY THE ONLY THING I LIKE ABOUT SWINGERS NOW

Starsky & Hutch is down to number seven and the second most inspired piece of casting behind Snoop Dogg as Huggy Bear is Vince Vaughn as the bad guy, because as a comedic supporting player, you can’t do much better. He never ceases to make being an asshole funny (contrast with Craig Kilborn who is an asshole, but manages to never be funny). But only supporting assholes. He was a lead asshole in Made and I almost walked out of the theater (only waiting to see Drea DeMatteo and Jennifer Esposito kept me in my chair).

ONE MORE TIME: NIPPLES ARE NICE, BUT GRAVITY IS NOT YOUR FRIEND

Hidalgo is down to number eight, followed by Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind at number nine, and maybe it was part of the script, but I get suspicious of any film that finds a need to have Kirsten “I Don’t Like Bras” Dunst dance around in her underwear (needless to day, she’s wearing a t-shirt with no bra for this scene). Granted, Mark Ruffalo is dancing with her in a pair of tighty-whiteys, but somehow that doesn’t set off my exploitation alarm. And Elijah Wood had better get used to this, because post-Rings, his career will be one of “interesting” supporting roles. Sorry, but Tom Cruise is as short as the Hollywood height requirement for male leads will go. See what happened to Michael J. Fox? And it was unfortunate too, because he gave work to a whole bunch of tiny actresses, who found it hard going once he left the playing field. Sadly, they’re all too old to try and make comebacks for Elijah.

THE END

Finally, Secret Window closes out the top ten at number ten.

EVERYTIME A RAPPER’S MOVIE FAILS, AN ANGEL GETS ITS WINGS

Never Die Alone never breaks the top ten and between this and the failure of his “farewell” album maybe DMX will catch the hint that his time has passed and will get on with his career in the ministry like he’s been talking about. 50 Cent, are you paying attention? This is you and you’re not even good looking the way DMX was. Have you noticed that when rappers make an action film with Steven Segal, their careers tend to end? Did you know Ja Rule released an album last year too? Exactly.

IF YOU LOVED ME, YOU’D BUY ME THE FINAL FIVE

So, my DVD bounty came in but only brought me up to 295 (not counting the porn) because I ordered sets and special editions and replaced older versions of films. I got the new edition of The Right Stuff and the extended edition of Lord of the Rings: Fellowship of the Ring. On the new front I got the extended edition of Lord of the Rings: The Two Towers (and I will, never, ever see the shit that’s on the other three discs in these four disc sets) the Looney Tunes Golden Collection, Smallville 1st Season (which I wanted but didn’t want to pay for) and White Oleander. Yeah, that’s right. I said White fucking Oleander. Yes, it’s for me, goddamnit! Why do people keep asking me that!?!

DORIAN GRAY WAS NEVER IN A BAND

The Chris Isaak Show came to an end this week and not a moment too soon, as he’s finally showing his age. He’s had a great run of defying the age demons to be sure and he damn sure doesn’t look almost 48 (which is what he is), but they’ve been showing old episodes too and he looked a lot better at 44 than he does now. But like Prince, not drinking, smoking or doing drugs and obsessing only on sex has left his voice totally intact. As always, the main storyline was boring while the story about his manager, Yola, was genuinely funny. It also afforded us the wonderful sight of her dressing up pretty much like Britney Spears, which is much sexier on a 34-year-old woman than it is on a 22-year-old girl. Yes, I’m funny that way.

IN MY LIFE DEADWOOD ACTUALLY MEANS…NEVER MIND

I’m fighting, fighting, fighting not to get caught up in Deadwood, but the knowledge that so much of it is based on actual fact (they did have 300 murders a year, which is practically one a day and Wild Bill Hickock and Calamity Jane did wind up there) piques my damn curiosity. I ignored the first episode (it conflicts with The L Word where I’m currently seeing Roseanna Arquette naked and engaging in girl-on-girl action every week), but I keep stumbling across the millions of HBO reruns during the week to the point where I’ve seen almost the whole first episode. Damn! Also, there does seem to be some semi-good guys there, which is what I need to watch a show (my other reason for not watching The Sopranos; I can’t get beyond an all-scumbag group of protagonists).

SOMEWHERE CHRISTINA AGUILERA IS THROWING EGGS AT A TELEVISION

Speaking of Britney Spears, since I pay for Showtime anyway and did buy her album, I tried to watch her concert. God in heaven. First of all, what it up with the full-grown, no children, adult fans. Is that not creepy? Then we have the ass-kissing testimony of the crew. Like one of them is going to actually say, “She can’t sing, she can’t dance and her music sucks. I’m just here for the steady paycheck, so my 15 years of formal dance training doesn’t go to waste.” Okay, I’ll give it up to her for a nice elaborate set. When you’re coughing up $100 for a ticket, you’d better have something impressive onstage to see. Okay, so she’s obviously singing to a track and maybe, just maybe her mike is on. But is that necessarily what you want? Neither she or Janet can sing, so why do we care if they really do it live or not? I read that she hurt her knee recently, so I guess that’s why her dance moves are so limited, but that’s the best thing that could possibly happen. Even if she could sing, you can’t dance around too much and sound good. Okay, so it’s on when she’s talking, but when the songs start, it’s all canned baby. And the only taste she has continues to be solely in her mouth. Those outfits were hideous. Now, I like those thick lower regions, but given that we live in world where stick-figure Paris Hilton is worthy of a magazine cover, I feel like one of the few. I have give her credit for not being ashamed of being a grits eating southern girl and not hiding her lower body the way Janet did for years. And before you start fantasizing about “grabbing her hair/and spanking it from the back” know that’s probably not really her hair. Between her and Beyonce, the weave business is doing very well. And even if she is banging Colin Farell, I hope she has the common sense to put a condom on that dirty bastard. God only knows what he’s carrying. Hey, three songs and the same outfit. What would Cher say? What the fuck? Jada Pinkett? “Hit Me Baby One More Time” as a jazz number? And she actually seems to be singing it? Okay, now it’s officially gotten weird. And it sucks and if I’d paid to see Britney Spears and got her biggest hits mangled like this, I’d be pissed. Sorry, honey, you haven’t been around long enough to start doing that. It took Eric Clapton 20 years to fuck up “Layla” and even then his kid had to die first. Okay, I gotta go watch Arrested Development now. I’ll jump back during commercials. ARRRGH. I came back during the ballad. Ugh. Yeah, I’m sure she’s playing that piano. Going back to my sitcom. Like Janet and Madonna, I just find all this boring after thirty minutes.

BE IT EVER SO HUMBLE

Though my room continues to look like an elf’s worst nightmare, I did manage to finally find matching pillow cases for my DKNY Duvet. Unfortunately, I got into a nasty bidding war with someone over them and pretty much paid the same for the pillow cases as I did for the fucking duvet itself. But it is pretty. Too bad it all sits inside a fucking Christmas Box. Sigh. Who wants to come repaint it for me. I’m afraid if I do it myself, I’ll go blue, which will then turn it into the Captain America room and I----heyyyy…

MY WIFE RAN OFF WITH MY BEST FRIEND AND BOY, DO I MISS HIM

While I’ll never understand the need of people to air their personal shit in a public place, I have to admit the moments of comedy they’re provided me. The latest being my trip to a local music store to buy new strings. There I was treated to one of the workers having a small dispute with his ex-wife. She yelled, she threatened to kick his ass, she threatened to call the cops and she threatened not to leave without her money. He shrugged all this off. You’d think someone who was once with a person would know what it takes to get to them. It finally occurred to her what was important as she finally left. “Fine,” she said stomping out, “Until I get my money you don’t get to see the dog.” With that she took the dog and left. He was after her in two seconds. That’s right, honey. Women will come and go, but a dog will always be man’s best friend. After that, his TV…

BETWEEN SHOWS

Am I the only person noticing the interracial couples in commercials now? First there was a blonde woman with her obvious half-Black daughter in some aspirin commercial, then there’s the phone commercials with the White guy and Asian girl (which almost doesn’t count, it happens so much) and now it’s the Verizon commercial with that guy and his Latino family. Now every commercial is a Benetton commercial. But if you really want to impress me show me the White woman and a Male minority. That would really be progress…Ten years ago Steven Segal in a commercial might have been worth noting. Now, it’s just a sad case of how far he’s fallen…My new man-crush, Raoul Bova (Diane Lane’s lover in Under The Tuscan Sun) is in another run of Gap commercials, but these don’t work because the song sucks. I prefer the fall campaign with “Tempted.” And the commercial for women doesn’t work because 1) Wendy’s used “Fresh” so much it’s all I can think about when I hear it now; and 2) those women are too fucking skinny, even by model standards. They don’t just have flat asses, their asses are freaking concave. It’s negative ass. If you think your ass is too big, stand next to them and they’ll rob you of some.

WE THROW IT IN MARCH TOO, ‘CAUSE GOD KNOWS WE NEED A HOLIDAY THERE

If March is Women’s History Month, does that make the other 11 months of the year “Forget Them Bitches?” See, that’s the danger of these “special months” is that it what it actually does is point out how the rest of the time no one really cares. And yes, I include Black History Month (a.k.a., “A Black Guy Did What?” Month) in that too. It’s like affirmative action on your calendar. Besides, you really don’t matter until the average American can take a paid day off in your name. Is there any woman we can do that for? Well, damnit, that’s where our efforts need to be then! I need another day off and you broads need some respect. Hey, if you get a day for Pocahontas or Sacagawea then it’s 2-for-1, scoring a Native American holiday too. And I fully support Chinese New Year also being a paid holiday.

So the DVD collection is now up to 290 (not counting the porn) and over the last few months I’ve added such films as Bill & Ted’s Excellent Adventure, Sorry Wrong Number, Saturday Night Fever, Red River, 48 Hours, Possession, A Perfect Murder, had to re-buy The Commitments because they finally released the fucking thing letterboxed (the fucking tossers), and this week I indulged myself when I saw Mad Dog Time on sale for $9.95 at Tower (if you don’t know it, don’t worry; just know it’s a Rat Pack homage starring Richard Dreyfuss, Jeff Goldblum, Gregory Hines, Gabriel Byrne, Diane Lane, Ellen Barkin, Burt Reynolds, Billy Idol, Kyle MacLachlan, Paul Anka, Richard Pryor and the only surviving Rat Pack member, Joey Bishop). This sounds more expensive than it is (but it ain’t free neither), because I caught some sales and had these coupons from Virgin when I bought some a Christmas gift last year, which actually made their crap somewhat affordable. Thankfully, I unexpectedly won an Oscar contest (I only entered it to be polite), which may provide the final 10 I need to push me over the 300 mark. Of course, if you count the porn, I’m already there. Unfortunately, they’re starting to release some of the old porn on DVD, which appeals to the teenager in me who used to watch the cut-up versions on The Playboy Channel. Granted it’s filled with soft people and neither men or women have six-pack abs, but on the other hand, almost all the breasts are real and everyone has pubic hair. Besides, all I buy are the films of Veronica Hart, who manages to look like Debra Messing and Bridget Fonda simultaneously---only naked and performing an immoral act with either a man or woman or both.

“Those who speak against the great do not speak from morality, but from envy.” --- William Savage Landor

WHAT WOULD JESUS BUY?

The Passion of the Christ holds at number one and suddenly Mel Gibson is talking about doing Lethal Weapon 5. Gee, wonder why? Afraid you’ve alienated all the non-Christian freaks (note: comparing your movie to Schindler’s List is comparing Jews to Nazis, so you might want to stop) and hope to win them back with a little of the old-fashioned excessive movie violence that we know Jesus would love? My latest piece of amusement comes from the fact that some of the fans of this are buying the bootleg copies you can find on the street and Mel’s a little bit pissed. Surely it’s not about money, Mel. It’s about faith and if the faithful want copies, how can you deny them? Hope this doesn’t put a crimp in the plan to release it once a year to get more money from the sheep---um, I mean “the flock.” Supposedly Fox was going to be releasing it on home video, which would mean some serious change for Rupert Murdoch who may be just a little pissed if they go with that annual release thing. It probably won’t happen. To do that would only feed the bootleg market, because, like I said, the faithful won’t be denied.

GETTING BY ON HIS LOOKS

Secret Window opens at number two and if there are two words that can keep me from ever seeing a film, they are “Stephen King” (“character driven” comes in a near second) and this is based on yet another one of his typing exercises (I refuse to call it writing). Though I don’t like the scary to begin with, I hardly consider King scary so much as fucking stupid. And is this movie not the most obvious thing in the world? If you can’t figure out what the big twist is to this, then you’re kinda sad. King ain’t the most original typist in the world (I refuse to call him a writer). Truth is, Johnny Depp can’t tell a good script from a bad one. He just looks to see if his character is sufficiently odd enough. Fine for him, a large pain in the ass for his fans.

SOMEWHERE KARI WURHER IS SAYING, “SHE TOOK MY JOB.”

Starsky & Hutch is down to number three and you have to reluctantly give it up for Carmen Electra who plays a love interest in this. For almost a decade, she’s been a solid C-list celeb based on little more than just being implanted and pretty in a business filled with implanted pretty girls. Hell, she’s not even blonde. They’ve all fallen by the wayside, but she’s still here. After a certain point she was just famous for being famous. She’s been in successful movies and TV shows (Scary Movie I, Baywatch) but was never really the star of any of them and the only movie she ever really starred in was some abortion of a romantic comedy that I caught on cable one night (that actually had Lucy Liu supporting her). Basically, she survives by being on the cover of all those faux-porn magazines like Maxim and FHM. Apparently frat boys every where simply don’t get tired of seeing her, Pamela Anderson, Brooke Burke and Jamie Pressley posed half-naked and covered in oil. What’s weird about this is that they’ve all posed nude in Playboy! Why in hell would you want to see them with clothing after you’ve already seen them nude? Not to mention paying for it. Yet another reason I have so few male friends.

IT’S NOT LIKE SEABISCUIT WAS A HUGE SUCCESS

Hidalgo is down to number four and Viggo Mortensen may be out of Middle Earth, but still on speaking terms with CGI as, it is all through this film. There’s a point where leopards play a part in the film and I think they use real ones for two seconds, after that, it’s all CGI. There’s even special effects used for the horses. And apparently all those geeks aren’t cheap, because this movie cost $90M. A movie about a freaking horse race cost $90M. For me to agree to that, Mr. Ed would have to rise from the grave to star. And there’s no way in the world it’s going to make the $270M it needs to be successful.

BANKS, CODY BANKS, JUST DOESN’T WORK

Agent Cody Banks 2 opens at number five which is not good news for the future of this wannabe franchise. Apparently the producers forgot the first film owed no small amount of its modest success to Hilary Duff, who is nowhere to be seen this time around. Whatever money she wanted they should have given her, because it’s not Frankie Muniz’s hit single that’s annoying the shit out of me every time I turn on MTV. And for better or worse, Anthony Anderson has firmly supplanted Tom Arnold (who supplanted Jim Belushi) as the chubby comic relief sidekick. They’re paying this loser instead of Hilary Duff? And while I’ll admit America loves funny Black people as much as blondes, Anthony Anderson isn’t so much funny as fucking annoying, so they should have stuck with the blonde teen starlet and not the generic English one they’ve thrown in here. Needless to say, I’ll never see this. I don’t even watch Malcolm in the Middle any more.

THERE ARE MANY TYPES OF WHORES, PEOPLE

50 First Dates is down to number six followed by Twisted at number seven and can you believe that Philip Kaufman, who directed The Right Stuff and The Unbearable Lightness of Being is reduced to this? I know it’s his first movie in four years (it was Quills, but it still got Geoffrey Rush an Oscar nomination), but this man is a writer himself. Couldn’t he have fixed the script? This was obviously just for the money so he didn’t give a shit. He and Samuel L. Jackson must have laughed their asses off on the set.

“I’M A CH-CH-CH-CH-CH-CH-CH-CH CHERRY BOMB!”

Confessions of a Teenage Drama Queen is down to number eight and remember the concern I voiced over Lindsay Lohman showing up on talk shows with cleavage to spare a few weeks ago? Well, it was more than justified, as she recently tried to give her phone number to freaking Colin Farrell. Yes, the trouble has officially begun (of course she’s a freaking redhead). Farrell actually declined once she admitted her age, but qualified it with a “Maybe in a year.” That pretty much translates into, “If so many people didn’t know who you were, I’d bone you here,” because I sincerely doubt if such a walking hard-on cares so long as it’s not illegal (and maybe not even then if she’s really hot). But given it was Lohman that made the move, it’s safe to say he won’t be the last guy and one of them is going to say “Yes.” Let’s face it, she knew exactly what he was all about, so basically she just wanted to fuck him. Sigh. This is the kind of thing that’s going to let R. Kelly walk free, you know that. But on the other hand I have to give her credit. You think if I were a 17-year-old star I wouldn’t be trying to sleep with 27-year-old actresses? And this only stands out because Lindsay Lohman looks like a girl. If she were a six-foot supermodel, no one would think twice about it, least of all Colin Farrell. And must I remind everyone that Ellen Barkin supposedly slept with Leonardo DiCaprio during the shooting of A Boy’s Life? If I seem somewhat comfortable with it it’s because most of the women I know were boning full grown men in their teens (only one actually waited until after college to come back and sleep with the high school teacher she’d had a crush on, and cackled with delight when she told me the story).

‘CAUSE IT WAS BORING, THAT’S WHY!

Lord of the Rings is down to number nine and Peter Jackson has made it clear he’d like to make the prequel to the Lord of the Rings, The Hobbit, which is the story of Bilbo Baggins actually acquiring The Ring. It’s also the book I couldn’t get through, which is why I’ve never read Lord of the Rings and I never will.

ACTUALLY, SPARTANS WERE PRETTY NASTY PEOPLE

Finally, entering the top ten at number ten is Spartan, the latest from writer director David Mamet. Now, I’m not the biggest Mamet fan in the world, because he loves con artist movies and I can’t stand them. Not to mention, “happy ending” is simply not in his vocabulary. If Mamet’s doing it, expect a very cynical ending bordering on the bleak, even in a comedy. Then there’s the odd pentameter that he likes to use, which jumps back between interesting and downright annoying (but he does have some nice one-liners and this film is no exception). So against all this, I decided to see Spartan because I was into the basic plot: the President’s daughter (if First Daughter is released, that will give us three movies about the President’s daughter in one year) is kidnapped by slavers who don’t know who she is and Val Kilmer is the agent assigned to get her back with Derek Luke as the new agent he’s training. Now, as the trailer and commercials reveal, the girl is reported as dead because the President was screwing around when she was taken (gee, wonder which president inspired this story---the daughter is even a redhead) and it’ll cost him reelection if it gets out. Now this is the first big step into stupidity. From the moment the first image hits the screen we see nothing but hardcore men of military service, but we’re supposed to believe these hardened professionals would slack on their duty for a second? Or that there simply aren’t enough Secret Service agents to guard both the President and his daughter? Next comes the idea that the president’s mysterious “handlers” would push the idea of letting her die before staging a military action to rescue her from an Arab country because it’s an election year. In the world of political cynicism, what is better for a president than a nice, little winnable war? And are we also supposed to believe that they couldn’t cover up the circumstances of her kidnapping? Especially when the agent who blew it kills himself and is no longer around to reveal the truth? This is a commitment to cynicism at the expense of logic, which never ceases to annoy me. It’s like conspiracy nuts who ignore any sort of evidence that contradicts their theories while obsessing over the smallest bits that confirm it. And despite his indie standing, Mamet follows through on the saddest of all action movie clichés. Val Kilmer has two soldiers aiding him in this, one Black and one Latina. Guess what happens to them? And I don’t feel I’m giving anything away, because it’s so obvious they might as well be wearing those red shirts from Star Trek. In fact, the only real surprise is the film’s final scene. Because this is a Mamet film William Macy has to be in it and he is, along with David Paymer, another Mamet alum and their combined total screen time might amount to five minutes, so this is obviously an obligation they both fulfilled on their day off. Mamet may have just joined my list of directors I just won’t see any more (Oliver Stone, Spike Lee, John Singleton, Woody Allen).

TV: MY LOVE, MY ENEMY

So, I never got into the Sopranos because I didn’t want to get hooked on another TV, but my schedule is opening up due to a loss of Buffy The Vampire Slayer and Farscape last year and Sex & The City this year. Not to mention boredom with former faves gone downhill (That 70’s Show, Will & Grace, Malcolm In The Middle, even The Simpsons). Still, when I saw the commercials for Significant Others on Bravo, I wasn’t going to go out of my way to see it. Even after I caught a few very funny seconds of it while waiting on Queer Eye For The Straight Guy (which is also getting boring because the guys being remodeled aren’t that interesting and are so obviously doing it to be on TV) I still wasn’t going to watch it. But then someone who is so much like me it’s scary suggested that I give it a try, and if I can’t trust my own narcissism what can I trust? So I checked the schedule on Bravo and sat down the next night to watch the first two episodes back to back. At exactly 10:07 Bravo went out for the next 40 minutes. I shit you not. It’s as if fate decided I was not to see that show. It wasn’t a total loss. I spent that 40 minutes teaching myself Seal songs (still haven’t mastered “Love’s Divine” but “Get It Together” is only two chords). In any case, finally over the weekend I caught it and it may rival Arrested Development as my favorite new show. It’s about three couples: one in their 20’s one in their 30’s and one in their 40’s and they’re all going to therapy. The therapist is never seen, so when they speak to him, they’re talking to the camera. It’s also all improved, which means no set script, which I normally hate, but it works here. My favorite couple is the 30-somethings because I think that’s what would happen if I married one of my friends. Great sex, but other than that, non-stop bickering and a battle for supremacy. Also, virtually any woman I marry is going to have more sexual experience than I (but I know more about mythology and folklore, so there!) so expect me to get weird on it down the line the way the husband does once he finds out his wife has slept with 200 people. Given that the show is created by men, I’m surprised the men on the show are so fucking worthless. With the exception of the 30-something woman, the women are fine (she “neglected” to mention she’d been married before). The worst of the guys is the 20-something who has the emotional maturity of a pre-schooler. How anyone would marry him to begin with strains the suspension of disbelief. A fourth couple is coming because someone noticed that Black people get married too. Also, the fourth couple will give at least one of the couples a child, which opens another realm of comic possibilities. Sigh. Another TV show to watch, the less reading I will do. Hey, you don’t know! I might have gotten so bored I actually started reading! I’ve done it before.

BETTER THAN JIMMY WHATSHISNAME

So, after working in Rockefeller Center for longer than I care to admit, I finally saw a Saturday Night Live cast member and was lucky that it was my favorite, Tina Fey. All the Cindy Crawfords and Salma Hayeks aside, that’s really what floats an angyrgeek’s boat. A smart, funny chick (with glasses)…who doesn’t outweigh him. Though she did lose 30 pounds a few years back. What’s really sad about that is that it would never cross a male geek’s mind to seek that kind of transformation, myself included (I’m actually making a lot of grilled cheddar cheese sandwiches these days). I also saw McMullan brother Mike McGowan twice in two days, going for the all-black look, which is fine in theory, but in reality only a chosen few can actually pull off and he ain’t one of them. I scored a two-for-one on Broadway when I spotted Lou Reed and Laurie Anderson (they’re a couple). And it’s a miracle I even recognized them, because time has not be kind to Mr. Reed. Remember kids: just say no to drugs. Damn. He looks as bad as Robert Plant, which is kinda sad, because I guarantee you Robert Plant had twice as much fun as Lou Reed ever did. Laurie is actually aging well and if you don’t know who she is, then you should just stick to Britney and Pink and not worry about the true queen of truly alternative music. But I must admit, I only learned about her in high school because she did a song called “O, Superman.”

HERE’S A THOUGHT: NEW CLOTHING

Okay, how fucking sad and weird was it seeing women lined up to pay thousands of dollars for clothing from Sex & the City? First of all, the best wardrobe belonged to Charlotte and Kristin Davis fucking kept it. Secondly, you wouldn’t want to wear half the shit Sarah Jessica Parker wore. Thirdly, these clothes came from designers and I’m pretty sure they made more than one so why do you need the one with Kim Cattrall’s sweat on it? This is why I can’t just swing by Magnolia Café any more (I refuse to wait in line on cupcakes). All these goddamn sheep who can’t think for themselves and do whatever they see on TV. One of employees was especially scornful when I talked to her about all the people who go there since it appeared on Sex & The City. Despite the good business, she was a little annoyed of people coming and asking, “Is this the place on Sex & The City?” She told me she felt like saying, “Yes, and here’s the very cupcake Sarah Jessica Parker was eating.”

03/8/04

“The follies which a man regrets most, in his life, are the ones which he didn’t commit when he had the opportunity.” --- Helen Rowland

JESUS WANTS ME TO BE ON THE FRONT PAGE

The Passion of the Christ holds at number one this week and Mel Gibson should give lessons on how to manipulate the media in order to have a hit. This man could give Madonna and Spike Lee lessons. When the first bit of outcry arose from Jewish leaders about the film, did he pursue the logical way to defuse the situation by promising them a look at the film the way most filmmakers do for a potentially offended audience? Nope, he threw gasoline on that spark by showing it to everyone but the people who might be offended by it. It’s like man who made a potentially racist film only showing it to the Klan and not to any black people; or a guy who made a sexist film only showing it to frat houses and never to any women’s groups. Ironically, it’s allowed the Christian majority to imagine themselves in the traditionally Jewish position: persecuted and put upon. Actually, I shouldn’t say the majority, just the hardliner cases, who actually should be persecuted and put upon. Yes, my southern upbringing has left me a little bitter about these whackadoodles who can’t separate a fucking movie from their faith. It’s a fucking movie! Not liking this doesn’t mean you hate Jesus any more than not liking the millions of annoying holocaust movies makes you anti-Semitic. The upside is, this is the end of Jim Caviezel’s career. Very few pretty boys who play Jesus (strangely, Jesus never, ever looks like a Jew in movies) have a career afterwards. Jeffrey Hunter, who is best known to you as Captain Christopher Pike, played Jesus and found his career so stunted he killed himself. Fingers crossed for history to repeat itself.

AND HOW CAN YOU BE AN UNDERCOVER COP WITH THAT CAR?

Starsky & Hutch opens at number two and I didn’t see this because I’m simply not going to give Owen Wilson any more of my money and nothing I saw in the commercials for this that changed my mind. Not Snoop Dog, Ben Stiller singing David Soul’s “Don’t Give Up On Us Baby” or Vince Vaughn’s simple presence. The only good thing I can see about it is that Ben Stiller has momentarily stopped his “theater of pain” and actually plays a character who isn’t a complete loser. The problem with a show like this is, in its original form, it was already such a homoerotic comedy that it’s almost impossible to mock. Just watch any of the original episodes and you’ll be busting a gut every other second. My personal favorite moment was when the two of them ended up in a hot tub still wearing their shoulder holsters!!! The show was attacked loudly for its violence and the moment they changed that aspect, it started to go south. After all, no one was watching for the great acting or compelling storylines. But the real death knell was the ugly “pimp mustache” that David Soul grew. He looked so fucking sleazy there was no way you could ever accept him as the good cop. And when it came out that he was beating his wife, well then not even his hit single could save him. This is yet another film I’ll watch in five minute installments when it turns up on cable next year. I’m not even motivated to watch it on DVD when it comes out in about two weeks.

EVER NOTICES HOW MOVIE HORSES NEVER TAKE A SHIT? EVER.

Hidalgo opens at number three and I almost didn’t see this once I learned the running time was two hours and fifteen minutes. Sorry, but a movie about a freaking horse race should not be that goddamn long. But it was at the Zegfield and I like going there so much, I’ll give movies I’d otherwise pass on a break when the show there. Needless to say, it didn’t have to be that long. It has a long-ass lead in to the race, beginning with Viggo Mortenson’s being half-Indian and his unwitting part in the massacre at Wounded Knee (surprised he didn’t bump into Tom Cruise there, also developing guilt before his overseas trip). Sorry, but I don’t need this liberal guilt in a stupid adventure movie. After all, we know it ends badly no matter what, so why bring it up? Hell, why not throw in some former slaves or some oppressed Chinese laborers and just bring the movie to a dead halt!?! Then we have him as a guilt-ridden drunk in Wild Bill Hickcock’s show. Next comes his encounters with other participants in the race, ranging from Omar Sharif as the sheik behind the race and an English woman (married to Malcom McDowell) who has a horse entered in the contest in an effort to get breeding rights to a great stallion the Omar Sharif owns. The race itself doesn’t start until over half an hour into the film (though we do open with Mortenson winning a race against…C. Thomas Howell?). Once underway, it does become a decent, old-fashioned type of adventure movie, but it’s going to do much for Arab-American relations, which is odd considering how it burdens us with the guilt over slaughtering native Americans (and yes, there is a little slavery thrown into the mix as Mortenson buys a small boy in Arabia to save him). Apparently we can only be racially sensitive if we fucked you over in this country. Almost every Arab to hit the screen is evil. Omar Sharif is not, but he’s not in the race and the one halfway decent guy in the race doesn’t live to see the end credits. Then, of course, there’s Sharif’s daughter whose kidnapping stops the main storyline for twenty minutes so she can be rescued (though it is entertaining). Needless to say, she falls for Viggo, though in a nice old-fashioned touch, not so much as a kiss is exchanged (which makes sense, since Viggo almost gets castrated over her). But there’s never really any doubt over who’s going to win, though at moments you’re teased with the idea of a more complex movie about moral courage and effort over actual results. But like I said, this is an old-fashioned movie, so you know who’s going to win and if you don’t see the final ending coming from a mile away, you’re dumb enough to believe this is a true story. Apparently, the man on whose life this is based was a pathological liar and Arab groups (and horse riding groups) have wasted no time in pointing this out. Can you blame them? Imagine if some other country made a supposedly fact based movie about some foreigner coming to America being the best baseball player and---wait, that’s actually kinda true at this point. Hmm, what is it we still do better than everyone else? Okay, supposed someone else made a movie about beating America in whining. Now, we wouldn’t sit still about that being a big fucking lie, would we?

IT’S A THIN LINE BETWEEN LOVE AND MURDEROUS OBSESSION

50 First Dates is down to number four followed by Twisted at number five and a visit to moviepooper.com lets me know that I was right about the killer in the movie. Hint: if someone loves you, but you’re not in love with them, chances are they love you a little too much. Not in that “I’ll die for you way” but in that “Everyone you like but me will and then you will too.”

BUT SHE’LL BE COMPETING WITH MEG RYAN AND SHARON STONE

Confessions of a Teenage Drama Queen is down to number six and this isn’t doing nearly as well as Freaky Friday, suggesting that maybe, just maybe, Lindsay Lohman needs a little adult help. Lucky for her there’s never any shortage of stars in a career slide looking to slow it down with a family film. Notice how once Dennis Quaid made it back on to the A-list he stopped making family films. I’m sure Ashley Judd is now a big more open to this idea, especially now that she had to give up her role in Cat on a Hot Tin Roof on Broadway.

THE PROBABLY THINK MISS AMERICA IS THE PRETTIEST WOMAN ALIVE TOO

And now that it’s won Best Picture and Best Director and Best Whateverthefuck Else there was to win, Lord of the Rings: Return of the King returns once more to the top ten at number seven. Now, exactly who are these weird ass people who don’t see films until they win an Academy Award? A nomination alone isn’t enough to get them out, but suddenly a win will make them see a film they’ve been reluctant to see for the last three months to a full year? How pathetic is that? What kind of lemmings are these people? I can’t even use the classic insult of their taste being only in their mouth, because they don’t even seem to have that. Not to mention this means they’ve only seen some of the most mediocre crap ever. They’ve seen Titanic, but not L.A. Confidential; Forrest Gump, but not Pulp Fiction; Gladiator, but not Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon; How Green Was My Valley and not fucking Citizen Kane!

AND THEN THERE’S DIRTY DANCING: BAGDAD NIGHTS…

Dirty Dancing: Havana Nights is down to number eight and apparently this is the sequel that no one really wanted. Too bad. I was looking forward to them jumping forward through time. Dirty Dancing: Detroit Nights, where a young white girl hooks up with a young black man trying to make it at Motown. Then Dirty Dancing: NewYork Nights where a young white girl from Connecticut hooks up with a young Italian guy in the discos of New York. Then Dirty Dancing: San Francisco Nights when a young white girl hooks up with a…young white girl during The Lilith Fair. Maybe it’ll have more success on video and that will spawn the eventual sequels.

THERE’S NO “I” TEAM, BUT IT IS THERE IN INTERNATIONAL SUPERSTAR

Miracle is down to number nine and I hope the young male cast members don’t let the moderate success of this go to their heads, as the last “real life” Disney sports movie that did well was Remember The Titans. Name one of those half dozen young male actors. Exactly.

THE NOMINEES FOR SITTING THERE WITH A STRAIGHT FACE ARE…

Finally, Monster pops back into the top ten at number ten meaning those same LOTR morons obviously took in this as well. Sorry, but I don’t care how many freaking Oscars it wins, I simply have no interest in this freaking movie. Besides, she wasn’t a real serial killer. Real serial killers do it for fun, not for money. Labeling her a serial killer is just how the patriarchy reacts to a woman who scares them even a little. Truth be told, even though women can be as nasty as men, they seem to lack that gene that says, “I think I’ll skin a bunch of college freshmen.” But her boyfriend now deserves the Best Actor Oscar. No, not for his performance as Dorian Gray in The League of Extraordinary Gentlemen, but for sitting there all night while Lord of the Rings won everything. You see, Stuart Townsend was originally cast in the Viggo Mortensen role but was fired a week into shooting because they thought he was too young. Ouch. That’s gotta hurt. That’s right up there with Tom Selleck not getting to be Indiana Jones even though Lucas and Spielberg were willing to wait for him (and he looks a damn sight better than Harrison Ford does these days) or Dougray Scott having to give up the role of Wolverine to Hugh Jackman because the power struggle between Tom Cruise and John Woo over Mission Impossible 2 made the film run over (it also cost Thandie Newton Charlie’s Angels).

AND HE AIN’T COMING BACK IN ISSUE #165 EITHER

The death march continues (that Academy Awards list was waaaaaay short) and now it’s hit a geek’s heart. Julie Schwartz died and while he may mean nothing to you, to geeks everywhere he was the father of the “Silver Age” of comics. But even before comics he formed a literary agency with Mort Weisinger (another comics legend, being the man responsible for Smallville and the Superboy era of the 50’s and also helped create all the great Superman stuff like Supergirl, red kryptonite and The Phantom Zone) that represented the likes of Ray Bradbury, H.P. Lovecraft, Alfred Bester and Robert Bloch. He started the Silver Age of Comics when he reintroduced Flash as Police scientist Barry Allen (today he’d be in forensics) who was struck by a lightening bolt and doused with chemicals in his lab. The original Flash was Jay Garrick who wore a little helmet like the god Mercury and got his powers by inhaling the vapor from hard water (yeah, I don’t understand how that would make you fast either). The new Flash was the red suited guy you know today. He then did it to Green Lantern (the new one was more of a space-cop, whereas the old one was magic based), Hawkman (the new one came from a planet called Thanagar while the old one was a recincarnated Egyptian prince) and The Atom (the new one could shrink to sub-atomic size whereas the old one was a short muscleman). He was also the reason Batman got that yellow oval on his chest (also, DC found out they simply couldn’t copyright a bat-symbol alone). He also oversaw the great Green Lantern/Green Arrow books of the late 60’s. Granted, an editor isn’t so important as a writer or artist, but these are the guys that refuse to pay you if you don’t get off your ass and get it in on Thursday. Trust me, if you left art up to artists alone, you wouldn’t get shit. Oh, and that fat guy with bad skin who was Robert DeNiro’s right hand man in Analyze This, Joe Viterelli died after heart surgery.

I REALLY WISH I COULD SAY I WAS WATCHING FOR THE SEX

The new season of The Sopranos started last night, but all it means to me is that I’ve got a free hour to work on this thing on Sunday nights now (well, half an hour because I must see Arrested Development). Now the only thing I have to watch on Sunday nights (until football comes back) is The L Word. Sorry, I only meant to watch the first episode, but now I’ve gotten caught up in the storylines, especially about the girl who leaves her boyfriend. It’s like watching a freaking train wreck as she just crashes and burns all over the place. Also, a recent episode had a Black woman launching into Jennifer Beals for not telling everyone she was Black. Somewhere Spike Lee was jerking off with delight. I’m sure Jennifer Beals relished the idea of that storyline to defend herself to her critics. Please. I hate Spike Lee, but he did have a point. America loved her when she was just “exotic looking” in a way they never would have if she’d been identified from the beginning as half-Black and she wisely kept her mouth shut. Look at fucking Vin Diesel or The Rock. By the White man’s law, they’re both Black, not half-anything. And you think Dean Cain would have come a mile within being Superman if he identified himself as Asian? Same for Keanu Reeves and his whole freaking career. The saddest, funniest part of this is, in almost all these instances the minority father was a dirtbag and the child raised alone by the White mother. So maybe they’re doing the minority community a favor by not shining a light on this. Forget I even brought it up. But I’ll be watching next week because Roseanna Arquette is going to be on it hooking up with the butch girl (who is actually Gwyneth Paltrow’s cousin). Sigh. Why couldn’t she hook up with someone hot so I could really enjoy it? Here’s hoping that Bridget Fonda is next. After all, like Roseanna, she needs the work too. Hey, maybe all my favorite down-on-their luck starlets will wind up here.

WHY NOT SIMPLY CALL IT “BUTT UGLY” JOE AND STOP THE PRETENSE?

So my Surrogate Sister once again dragged me into Average Joe. This was the second one filmed alongside the first and in this case the girl in question wasn’t big on hiding how pissed she was on being set up with a bunch of losers or how happy she was to see the hot guys. Surrogate Sister called me to tell me that she wound up picking the hot guy. Gee, big surprise. This piqued my interest so I went online and checked it out and what happened was, she picked the hot guy only to be dumped by him when he found out she once dated Fabio. Now, what’s the movie ending to this? She goes to the loser after realizing how shallow and stupid her hottie was, right? Yeah, only in the movies and Sex & The City, baby. In reality, she’s still trying to make it work with shallow pretty boy even though he rejected her and they live on opposite coasts. The moral of this story is: there’s actually no guarantee as to whether a not a person will eventually turn out to be great or an asshole, so if you must have a jerk, better they be a hot one. At least then you’ll have something pretty to fuck and cute kids. And it is the male willingness to accept this that makes us rulers of this world and not you ladies. Sorry, but I’m still pissed off at those ugly bastards on Sex & The City getting Miranda and Charlotte. It was made a bit clearer once we got to see what the female writing staff looked like, and like all writers everywhere (myself included) they weren’t models and hadn’t missed many meals. For them that troll lawyer and lisping bartender actually were catches. And I’d love to see what kind of hot little Chelsea boy writer/producer Michael Patrick King has at home and you know that’s exactly the case. Gay or straight, men are men and we like pretty and could give a shit about personality.

DON’T WORRY, YOU CAN STILL BIGGIE SIZE IT AT WENDY’S

So, while trapped at UPS waiting to get another 256K of memory for my bitch computer, I had to sit through MSNBC and the whole story on McDonald’s eliminating the supersized meals. Do you know what effect watching that report had on me? I desperately wanted the biggest cheeseburger, biggest fries and biggest coke the world had to offer, that’s what. Sorry, but this is America where too much is never enough. Do you know what smaller portions means? Ordering twice as much. But I’ve been on a tear of crap eating this week. First I have an overwhelming need for Kentucky Fried Chicken, which I have not eaten for over a decade, I kid you not (and given how little you get, I won’t be doing it again soon). Then I went to Popeye’s, which I haven’t touched since the freaking 80’s and didn’t like because I wasn’t into spicy then. Jeez, what next? Fucking Roy Rogers, the bottom rung of the fast food ladder? Or maybe in the city of some of the greatest pizza in the world, I’ll go to Pizza Hut and get one of their pan pizzas (that’s like passing on Cindy Crawford for Kathy Griffin), which sit in your stomach like a rock…a delicious rock (well, ugly girls do tend to go that extra mile pretty girls won’t; Kathy Griffin has done things Cindy wouldn’t even consider ).

03/01/04

“Whenever a friend succeeds, a little something in me dies.” --- Gore Vidal

EVERY TIME A BAD BIBLE MOVIE IS MADE, THE BABY JESUS CRIES

Opening at number one for the same reasons the Inquisition and the Holocaust were such big hits is The Passion of the Christ. Now, I’m an atheist and one of the great things about being an atheist is to be free of any and all religious considerations. I eat whatever I want each and no day is holy to fuck up my fun! This is why, for the life of me, I can’t understand atheists out protesting Mel Gibson’s silly movie. Being an atheist means you don’t give a shit. You sit back and laugh at the Jews and the Christians going at each other’s throats over it, all the while knowing it’s for nothing. This life is all there is and when it ends you get to sit back and remember how much you enjoyed bacon and sex while they show up with a check for eternal bliss waiting to be cashed at a bank that doesn’t exist! Bwa-hah! Suckers! Needless to say, I will never ever see this freaking movie. First of all, I’ve got about as much interest in this as I do in a documentary about how inner tubes are made. I don’t think Monty Python’s The Life of Brian counts, so the only Jesus movie I’ve ever seen was The Last Temptation of Christ and it’s not like I remember it fondly. I abandoned my Lutheran upbringing long ago and it’s not like I was ever into it. We weren’t Baptists, but trust me all church in the south is Baptist-based. You get the same over-dressed, lack of air conditioning, spirit-of-the-Holy Ghost caterwauling in every single church. Hell, I even bet the synagogues in the south are like that. Both of them. In any case, as one critic has pointed out, Mel has been leading up to a movie about a guy suffering for two hours for years. Almost every role he’s done has had some type of extreme suffering. Mad Max (car crash, loss of family), The Road Warrior (multiple car crashes), The Year of Living Dangerous (maybe the loss of an eye), Lethal Weapon (torture, loss of wife), Lethal Weapon 2 (shot and stabbed), Braveheart (loss of wife, drawn and quartered), Conspiracy Theory (tortured), Payback (beaten, really tortured) and so on. The only difference here is that he’s not playing the role himself, though I’m sure it did occur to him. But I’m not surprised Jesus freak Jim Caviezel is along for this ride. This is the guy who didn’t want to do a love scene with Jennifer Lopez because of his faith. Oh, doesn’t Jesus know you’re a fucking actor!?! And given that this is all about supposed accuracy, why the fuck isn’t Jesus being playing by a Jew? Hello, he wasn’t Swiss like this dipshit, whose career was in a slow slide after supposedly being the next big thing after The Thin Red Line. And as long as I’m into the blasphemy, didn’t everyone who was crucified suffer horribly? I mean, it’s not the others got a chariot rides to the top and a bouquet of roses. They were all nailed and left to die too. Where’s their movie? And do you think Mel included The Holy Grail or the gypsy who steals one the nails so Jesus gives them free right to steal forever (I’m not kidding; that is the myth behind gypsies)? You know, in wake of all the hoopla over this movie, the more brilliant Monty Python’s Life of Brian becomes.

IN THE LONG RUN, SHE MAY ACTUALLY BE THE LEAST SUCCESSFUL JUDD

50 First Dates is pushed out of the top spot so maybe there is something holy about any film that does that. Opening at number three is Twisted, as Ashley Judd returns to the well of the estro-thriller that gave her the only two hits she’s ever had (Kiss The Girls and Double Jeopardy). Samuel “Anything for A Paycheck” Jackson is on-hand to lend gravity in the absence of Morgan Freeman and Tommy Lee Jones. And Andy Garcia. Man, what the hell happened to this guy? Apparently he was unable to crawl out from under the wreckage of Godfather III. And it didn’t help that he’s fucking crazy. Ashley has never quite made that jump to “A-list” and don’t think it’s escaped her notice. It’s gotta hurt seeing Halle Berry getting the cover of Entertainment Weekly five months early for the Catwoman movie she was originally signed for, while her latest movie can’t get the cover right now. But she has a diva reputation and certain male actors flat out pass on working with her, which is probably why it’s Andy Garcia in this and not someone younger and more successful. And is there really any mystery as to who her “mysterious” stalker is? I’m sure it’s obvious from the first time he shows up onscreen.

FEMALE HYENAS ACTUALLY FIGHT TO THE DEATH WITHIN THE WOMB

Confessions of a Teenage Drama Queen is down to number four and apparently there was some teenage drama between Lindsay Lohman and Hilary Duff over Aaron Carter. Ladies, you are both stars and he is fucking nobody, so I can’t understand this beef. And don’t think he doesn’t know. He merely jumped to what he thought was a bigger and better gravy train. Witness his loser older brother pushing up on Paris Hilton now that Backstreet is over and done and his solo career didn’t even get started. Whatever happened to the good old days when fathers would smell these guys a mile away and send thugs to beat the shit out of them (or castrate them, if this were a Tennessee Williams play)?

AT LEAST THERE’S NO ERIC CARMEN SONG THIS TIME AROUND

Dirty Dancing: Havana Nights opens at number five and why does this even exist? It frightens me to think of the emotional attachment so many young women and gay men have to the silly prequel to this. “Nobody puts baby in a corner” was a howler of a line but it’s emerged as one of the most famous. That’s how freaking bad that movie was. And now that they’ve milked it to the last drop (have we forgotten the stage version of it, the musical tour featuring the soundtrack artists?) we have a new version. You’d think they’d at least put a different spin on it and have it be the guy who can’t dance. And what’s really funny is that “dirty dancing” is pretty much how Black people have always danced normally. It’s only dirty to those whose dancing requires a minimum crotch distance of three feet or more. It’s why the lambada was so big in Europe but really didn’t grab America the same way, because they had no African booty-shaking culture the way we do. And while I know Diego Luna is somewhat of a heartthrob (he bagged Natalie Portman) it’s obviously despite his broken nose looks. And he had to learn to dance for this film, which means it probably looks like shit, whereas Patrick Swayze (who makes a cameo) was a trained dancer (and had all the acting chops of one). Jennifer Grey is nowhere to be seen, but then again, would you know her if you saw her, thanks to that ill-advised nose job. Who would have thought that assimilating more would actually get you less. It must drive her crazy to see Sarah Jessica Parker and Jennifer Anniston become sex symbols with those honkers.

APPARENTLY DOING TARZAN DIDN’T COVER ENOUGH CAR PAYMENTS

Miracle drops to number six, followed by Eurotrip at number seven and making a cameo in this film for reasons yet undiscovered is Lucy Lawless. Yep, Xena is here as the mistress of a sex club, but before you break out your lube I have to tell you she doesn’t get naked, she doesn’t have sex and the most erotic thing about it is when they show outtakes at the end when she’s going over directions, “Okay, so then I rip his pants off and look at his dick?” And when the young actor giggles at this, she tells him to “shut the fuck up.” Now, Xena talking dirty? That’s hot. That’s reeeeeal hot. Joanna Lumley also cameos in the closing credits as a hotel clerk. Not so hot.

THE BITCH IS BACK

Welcome to Mooseport is down to number eight and Christine Baranski appears as the ex-First Lady to former President Gene Hackman. She pretty much owns the role of the rich bitch middle-aged woman. She’s played it with everyone from Jeremy Irons in Reversal of Fortune to Warren Beatty in Bulworth to Gene Hackman twice (the first time in The Birdcage) and even trotted it out for the kids in Cruel Intentions. Anne Archer was the nice wife for dramas, while she’s the mean one, brought out for comedies. She’s lasted longer because she doesn’t have be sexually desirable the way the nice girl has to be. Personally, I find Christine much hotter, but sadly, I like them there bitches.

NEXT UP: BRINGING DOWN THE HOUSE THE SERIES

Barbershop is down to number nine and supposedly this is also going to be a TV show on Showtime, which is closing down Soul Food this year and Federal Regulations demand that you replace one Black show with another, so now it’s Soul Food. If that’s any indication of the quality level I may finally check this out, because Soul Food the movie was a misogynist piece of shit, but the TV show was controlled by women, all that was gone (much like the shirts of all the male leads, who strangely all seemed to have six-pack abs). I can only hope Ice Cube and everyone else associated with this stays away from the show and leaves it alone to people who have similar lack of tolerance for crap.

AND NOTHING WILL TOP THE MAN-FUCKING-A-BEAR SCENE

Finally, opening at number ten is Club Dread a disappointing follow-up to Broken Lizard’s first hysterical film, Super Troopers. I loved Super Troopers, but I didn’t bother to see this. Why? If you look at other successful films by comedy troupes, there’s a noticeable dearth of actual actors. Same with Super Troopers, which had real actors, but only in supporting roles. This time it’s filled with real actors lead roles alongside the troupe, which is a bad, bad sign. Also, who wants a comedy where funny characters get killed? Yeah, I know Scary Movie made a lot of money and had two sequels, but all three of them combined only have enough laughs for half one good movie. And Bill Paxton’s presence alone is enough to keep me home.

AND IT’S STILL OKAY FOR ME TO DOWNLOAD SHIT FOR FREE!

So, remember that email we all got awhile ago to sign up for the settlement from the record companies for all the overcharging for CD’s (Compact Disc Minimum Advertised Price Antitrust Litigation). Remember how you ignored it? Well, thanks. Otherwise I might not have even the $13.86 I received from the Attorney General last week. No, it in no way makes up for the years of screwing I got, I applied that $13.86 to two new cd’s: the new release from Air and the first solo album from the other N’Sync boy, JC Chasez. My Justin Timberlake trifecta is now complete. First I get his album, then I get his girlfriend’s, now I’ve got his other girlfriend’s (somewhere there’ a young girl screaming in delight in her triumph over me). But I feel Air more than balances out anything else I might have bought. It’s actually better than their last album, which my friend The O.G. (original geek) accurately described as “wandering.” And all the critics seem to agree with my initial judgment that JC Chasez (that’s right, little girls, unlike Justin, he really isn’t White) is to Prince what Justin is to Michael Jackson. Only I don’t recall Prince sampling Donna Summer and Corey Hart? Corey Hart? Yes, “I Wear My Sunglasses At Night” is sampled for a track called “Come To Me.” Also, whereas Justin’s album remained firmly in a Pop/R&B groove, this is all over the place, which isn’t necessarily a bad thing. But Corey Hart? Even though I confess a love of his cut on the 9 1/2 Weeks soundtrack “Eurasian Eyes” overall he sucked, sucked, sucked. And am I the only person who thinks he looked like David Duchovny?

BUT WHERE WAS THE GOVERNOR?

Okay, for the third week in a row I was tricked into leaving my apartment, which is why this week’s top ten is a day late (but there won’t be a fourth time, goddamnit!). Normally, I write my Oscar commentary as I watch the show, when I’m fresh and horrified. Now, I’m simply too old and tired to get home at 1:00 am and start cranking this stuff out. But here’s what I can remember…what the hell is Kelly Lynch doing at an Oscar red carpet? Not to mention she looks like shit in a dress that was best described by one of the people I was watching with as “casket lining.” When you’re a nobody amongst somebodies, you have to at least look good…Charlize Theron looks like death warmed over. Seriously. She looks like a corpse they put bronzer on to make it look human. Stuart Townsend looked better shirtless in leather pants in Queen of the Damned than he does trying to channel Humphrey Bogart in his ill-fitting white tux. And when you’re balding, just cut it short…Nicole Kidman works a serious ice princess vibe, which is to say she looks like Nicole Kidman…I like Liv Tyler’s 40’s look…Susan Sarandon’s deal with the devil is working out fine for her, though she may be getting a bit old for that much cleavage. As the person who also shot off the “funeral lining” quip said, “Looks like a mudslide.” I hate watching the Oscars with people funnier than I am. As usual, Tim Robbins looks like shit. I hate that black-on-black shirt tie combo. Even though he’s not wearing a bow tie either, Dijon Hounsou now looks like James Bond standing next to Tim Robbins simply because he’s wearing a white shirt. Like a fucking grown up!...Could Will Smith and his annoying wife, Jada Pinkett “Nobody Knows I Eat Pussy” Smith sound any dumber saying they’re pulling for Dijon because they’ve gotten to know him? As opposed to all the other Black people in Beverly Hills!?! Gee, it takes a really bright person to base their decision solely upon race…Naomi Watts makes me think there’s an ice princess cult coming out of Australia, but she looks good too. Now Heath Ledger understands: you’re balding, keep it short. Same for Jude Law…Keisha Knight Hughes looks like cute little girl in her dress, but mom’s cleavage and the fact that she’s now 13 means that’s going to be over in about five seconds…Someone please help Diane Keaton with her “Annie Hall at 50” look. And what the fuck is it with her and gloves?…Joan Rivers asks Holly Hunter about her personal life because she looks so good. Translation: “You look like you’re getting well-boned. Who’s doing it?” Holly Hunter’s reply is that her private life is good and her own. Translation: “Yes, I am getting well-boned and it’s none of your business who’s doing it”…Shohreh Aghdashloo is the winner of the Catherine Zeta Jones lookalike contest…Catherine Zeta Jones finally seems to have shed her baby weight. It seems being jealous of Nicole Kidman burn calories. Michael Douglas’ in ability to fix his bow tie is a pretty strong argument for all those not wearing them, but still. It’s a formal fucking event. Act like it…Johnny Depp and Pierce Brosnan compete for prettiest man in attendance, but both their tuxes suck. Pierce with that velvet shit, which should be full-label or not at all and Johnny, the tie goes on the outside of the collar…Billy Crystal is back as host and I’d accept anyone but fucking Whoopi Goldberg, honestly. His movie montage isn’t as funny as past years (but I did like the bit with Michael Moore) and the singing to the audience got old quick…Tim Robbins wins, which means we’re all preparing for him to say something incredibly stupid. Sadly, he does not…Angelina Jolie in the night’s most overtly sexual moment. Deep cleavage and the microphone comes up right between her breasts. Yeah, I’m sure the crew didn’t notice that in rehearsal. No Jared Leto in sight though. He’s so into his art he can’t attend awards shows, but strangely only fucks movie stars. Pretentious prick…I enjoy the sublimated anger Billy Crystal obviously has for Mel Gibson that comes up during the bit with Robin Williams and Benicio Del Toro…Finding Nemo should have been up for Best Picture and fucking Brother Bear shouldn’t be there at all. How strange do you think it is for someone like Michael Douglas to hear about a man who’s been with one woman since the 8th grade?…Renee Zellweger has also lost all her weight and she’s the poorer for it and I just don’t get Costume Design for historically based films. Just what the fuck did you create? Renee is back up a few moments later to get her consolation prize for being dicked over last year for Chicago and the previous year for Bridget Jones’s Diary. And she’s talking waaaaaaay to fast…in case you wondered who the biggest dog in Hollywood is, that “Hail To The Chief” is played when Tom Hanks comes out should tell you…Ben Stiller’s penchant for masochistic comedy continues as he humiliates himself for the amusement of literally billions of people. And I still hate Owen Wilson…did you know that one of the Academy Award winning shorts nominated was directed by the guy who played Johnny the Asshole in The Karate Kid? It would have been great had he won. It would have spared us that guy who talked too long and so obviously pissed off his partner…I actually like the song Allison Krauss does with Sting. I can’t even remember the Elvis Costello one. And Annie Lennox is just amazing. Always….just how does Blake Edwards deserve a lifetime achievement award? I can count on one hand the number of good films he’s made. The rest was absolute crap…Errol Morris comes close to stirring up trouble with his speech, but not quite…you know, as much as I like seeing my geeks win everything, this is boring. Eugene Levy brightens things up a bit, not to mention the song from The Triplets of Belleville actually being fun. Even Jack Black is welcome at this point. His bit with Will Ferrell is actually funny…Francis Ford Coppola showing that he not only gave Sofia his talent, but his looks as well. She didn’t deserve the Best Screenplay Oscar. Name one line from that fucking movie. “You know, having kids changes everything…” Yeah, that’s fucking original…I’m so disappointed Charlize Theron won. Why? Because she talked shit about Halle Berry doing a Bond film. This from a woman whose next project is a live-action version of MTV’s Aeon Flux cartoon. I’m just glad on the biggest night of her life she looked like complete shit…I’m less than thrilled Sean Penn won too, because even in the clip he was so obviously overacting. Johnny Depp was so much better. Prettier too. And what’s that nice shit about Nicholas Cage? You were just ripping him for those crappy movies he was doing. Man, Clint turned you into a pussy…And Lord of the Rings: Return of the King wins the big prize. Geekly satisfying but no surprises made for a boring, boring show. Even the commercials were dull because they were cracking down on them too. I’d rather see some dog bite a guy’s balls and hear about Mike Ditka’s erection problems than see another JC Penny commercial. Thanks for nothing, Janet. I could always find your boobs on the internet long before the Super Bowl, so you gave me little and cost me everything.

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