"Everyone knows awards always go to them wrong people. This year I’m glad to be the wrong person." --- Phillip Roth
WHEN TWO BECOME ONE
Heartbreakers opens at number one and I think The Bloodhound Gang said it all with the title of their album "Hooray For Boobies." Don’t kid yourself, it was Jennifer Love Hewitt finally embracing her destiny that put this film at number one. She’s not that pretty, but was compensated for it with a nice body filled with curves. And when I say "nice body" you know it’s real and not that bullshit definition that most people apply that allows women like the shapeless Cameron Diaz and the knock-kneed Hedi Klum to be considered physical ideals. She actually has a waist, hips and an ass. Unfortunately, this trick only works once and next time she’ll either have to get naked or get a better script. There are laughs here, but they’re uneven to say the least (and it seems fairly obvious that Carrie Fisher’s role extended beyond her cameo to script doctoring).
SANTA CLAUS, THE EASTER BUNNY AND THE CHIESLED, SENSITIVE BROTHER
The Brothers opens at number two and needless to say, I got up early on Saturday to see this with as few Black people as possible. Once again, I was right to do so. Had I seen this with my bruthas and sistas, I feel I would have heard about a third of the total dialogue, thanks to some of the raw humor involved. The movie screams MY FIRST SCREENPLAY not to mention FIRST DRAFT. There are a few good things here, but ultimately go to waste due to a lack of development (example: Bill Bellamy’s mother is so damaged by the betrayal of two husbands, she resents her sons). Overall, it’s a patronizing fantasy of sensitive men. Listen, I’ve got no problem with women. Most of my friends are women and I prefer it that way, but even I don’t spend my time talking about the strength and power of womanhood (like the guys in this film). If anything, my time with women has taught is that you’re just as pathetic as we are, but only different ways (you put plastic in your chests for breasts; we put rat piss on our heads for hair). But this is typical of Black filmmaking. A movie just can’t be made; there must be some effort made to uplift and educate the race. Thank you, no. I’m as uplifted and educated as I’m going to get.
PLACING BLAME WHERE BLAME IS DUE
Exit Wounds is down to number three and I’m laughing at how this is being heralded as Steven Seagal’s comeback. Please. If Stallone or Schwarzanegger had made this same movie with DMX, it would their comeback movie. The only success here is the return of the Black/White buddy action movie. Plug in your Aging/Upcoming Action star and Rap star here. Look forward to see Arnold and Jay-Z or Sly and Mystikal in the near future. You know they’re already making the calls.
FORYOU FANS OF OLDER MEN, UGLY AND HANDSOME
Enemy At The Gates is knocked down to number four and I didn’t mention that Ed Harris and Bob Hoskins are also in this. Well, they are. You going now because of this? Didn’t think so.
BUT THEY HATE IT IN CHINA
Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon is up one notch to number five and expect it to go up even more now that it won Best Foreign Film.
BLAME WHERE BLAME IS DUE, PT. II
The Mexican drops to number six and in an interview in Entertainment Weekly, both Julia Roberts and James Gandolfini mention Joel Schumacher as the director of two movies that disappointed them. Gee, big surprise there, but the irony of it all is, Schumacher is the man who set Julia upon her path of mainstream crap success. She should be on her knees thanking him, otherwise she’d be just another straight to video bad actress.
7, 8, 9
Traffic moves up to number seven and will also benefit from Soderbegh’s win, while See Spot Run is down to number eight and hopefully continue its downward spiral. Chocolat is down to number nine, suffering an Oscar shutout. THANK GOD! Now maybe it will go the hell away.
SELF-FULFILLING PROPHECY
Finally, Say It Isn’t So opens at number ten and I maintain There’s Something About Mary is the best the Farelly Brothers will ever do. Imagine if that movie had been solely about Ben Stiller’s zipper moment and nothing more. That’s what this movie is like, only never as funny as that one zipper moment. To their credit, they neither wrote or directed it, but this is obviously their film. And Chris Klein is falling into Brendan Fraser’s domain of "put upon innocent" a little too soon. In fact, with the exception of Mena Suvari, who lucked into American Beauty (because Kirsten Dunst didn’t want to kiss Kevin Spacey), none of the cast of American Pie has had a hit, but they still keep getting work. Heather Graham was obviously hoping for a little of the magic Cameron Diaz got (as was Renee Zellwegger earlier last year with Me, Myself and Irene), but she comes away disappointed in the role of straight man. Completing the bad-career choice trifecta is Sally Field, obviously trying to relate to the young people.
THE RACE DOESN’T ALWAYS GO TO THE SWIFTEST AND IT’S NOT EVEN THE WAY TO BET
Random thoughts on the The Oscars…for all the ragging on Joan Rivers, imagine how boring it would be without her…Jennifer Lopez is going to be in so much trouble when she either tires of working out or Father Time just makes it a criminal offense to show her body. Hell, why not just be topless?…Bjork shows the difference between those who pretend to be different and those whose brains actually work on a different wave length…Why can’t men just wear a simple fucking tux?…Apparently Tom Hanks is so well loved that no one will tell him just how stupid he looks in a mustache…Juliette Binoche channeling Louise Brooks…Russell Crowe’s sense of humor was apparently kidnapped without anyone noticing. Hey, if you don’t like it, stop trying to fuck everything that moves. Then again, Steve Martin seems particularly obsessed with him. Jealousy, secret love or a friend of Dennis Quaid?…Kate Hudson lost. Glad I didn’t make that bet, but Benicio Del Toro won. The obvious to balance off the surprise…Sting made that lousy song sound better than it was…Coco Lee? Is this a joke?…Randy Newman has been nominated many times and every single time it sucked (with the exception of the Toy Story 2 song which almost made me cry) And is that really Susanna Hoffs?…Goldie Hawn is so much sexier than her daughter…Sigh. Why are they trying to culture us up with Yo-Yo Ma and Pearlman? No one cares…When was the last time the Oscars saw this many minorities onstage? Don’t get used to it. Asians are to the Oscars this year what Latinos were to the Grammys last year. I don’t want to think how much the Asian women are going to get hit on in the after party. Hell Russell Crowe alone is going to be a problem…Winona Ryder’s cherry cheeked earnestness never ceases to be annoying…Ben Affleck staggers out looking like a drunk…Is it just me, or does Bob Dylan look like Snidely Whiplash. Someone make sure there’s not a blonde tied to a railroad track nearby. His win proves that baby boomers have finally ousted all those really, really old people who ran the Academy for so many years (remember when the Slipper and the Rose won the year of Saturday Night Fever). Actually, they’ve all died off…Hillary Swank apparently made the same deal with God as Jennifer Love Hewitt, only she remembered to ask for talent in exchange for a higher bodyfat percentage…Russell Crowe deserved it last year so I really don’t mind him winning this year. His stunned look is partially from winning, but mostly at the realization of just how much of pussy he will get in the next year alone…Ashley Judd is joining my "Winona Ryder Annoying Me Just By Being" club…Just remember this: Julia Roberts won Best Actress in the worst year in movie history…At least Soderbergh won for the better movie. Hell, he should have won two years ago for Out of Sight. Any director who can make George Clooney and Jennifer Lopez into movie stars, as well as make Detroit in the winter look sexy, is a master of his craft…Gladiator? What shit! This is like The Last Emperor as one of those films that wins because it "looks" like an Academy Award winning film should look, not because it should. When was the last time you saw The Last Emperor? When was the last time you wanted to see it?
SATURDAY NIGHT ALIVE, BUT WITH NO CHANCE OF FULL RECOVERY
As one of those people who maintains that Saturday Night Live hasn’t been funny since the original cast left and even that wasn’t as great as you remember (everyone forgets the last half hour always has, and always will, suck), I’ve unexpectedly found myself watching it recently to either catch a musical number or see an actor that I like. Unfortunately, not much has changed. Reasonably talented people trapped in overlong skits that go nowhere…BUT I do like Tina Fey. A lot. Despite that scar on her face, she’s that mythical smart, funny girl who is attractive (and if I told any woman reading this, that she was smart, funny and attractive, I’m sure I meant it at the time). See, when a man says he wants a girl with a good sense of humor, what he’s really saying is, "I want a girl who will laugh at all my jokes, breasts bouncing all over the place." Someone who’s really funny is usually really smart---smarter than you are, and who the hell wants that?
PUFF THE UNTALENTED MUSIC MAN/LIVING BY THE SEA/BEAT THE STATE’S FELONY RAP/AND NOW WON’T GO TO CELLBLOCK D…
It does my heart good to see that a Black man with money and a good lawyer can buy his way out of anything the same way a White man with money and a good lawyer can. Now, Shyne on the other hand has no money, lesser lawyers and is going to freaking jail. As least he’s been well prepared for prison life. Next to the ass-fucking Puffy gave him, that first shower rape will see mild in comparison.
JUST PRETEND YOU’RE IN PORN
So Louima gets $9M for what the NYPD did to him. $9M for getting your front teeth knocked out and ass-fucked with a plunger. Hmm, would it be worth it for that chunk of change? Let me think about it for a second. I’m sure I’ll say "no," but let me think about it for a second.
I NEED OSTRICH LESSONS
Okay, I did try, but I can no longer pretend Dennis Leary isn’t porking Elizabeth Hurley (when they were in Europe together, she introduced him as her boyfriend). He even had the balls to put her on his show with them being mistaken as lovers, complete with Donald Trump asking if he was banging her. Unfortunately, it was almost funny enough for me to let it slide. If only Woody Allen had been as funny in Husbands & Wives about his fucked up private life.
THE GOOD LORD NEVER CLOSES A DOOR WITHOUT OPENING A WINDOW
So what if Elizabeth Hurley is a skank. Gabrielle Reece is getting divorced and the line begins behind me!
SCRAPING BOTTOM
Behind The Music with Flashdance? Next they’ll be covering my years in the marching band.
NO SEX IN THE CITY: THE CONCLUSION
I got DTV last week. I have no idea how many channels I have anymore. My attempts to be social have now come to an end once and for all. Who needs sex when you’ve got 20 different movie channels?
THE BOY WILL BE THE DEATH OF THE MAN
Remember Dolly Madison snack cakes? They had the Peanuts characters on them. Well, they’re back under the Hostess label, which means they’re everywhere you can find a Twinkie now. Now, I could avoid Twinkies. They never caught my fancy, but those nasty raspberry coconut Zingers…they are my kryptonite. Oh well, with my new cable hook up, it’s not like anyone else is going to see me naked anyway.
WHAT DO YOU MEAN I’M NOT YO’ BABY DADDY?
In Texas, a man found out that three of his four children were not his own, but is still ordered to pay child support even though he’s not allowed to see them. What the fuck!?! Now, I would never harm an unarmed woman no what the provocation (if you’re carrying a weapon, then chivalry is fucking dead), but if I find out that you have betrayed me to the point where I’m raising another man’s seed, then it’s best you stay away from me, so I don’t deprive my children of their mother. Still, I can’t believe that a Texas man did anything less than resort to violence. I mean, isn’t Texas the one place you can kill your wife and get away with it? It’s America’s own little Taliban out there. Now, the biological father, him I would kill outright and take my chances in court. Somehow, I think Texas would live up to all my expectations in that respect. The judge, the jurors and the prosecuting attorneys would probably be buying me drinks after a police escort led us to a bar.
SPRING BROKE
Watching the MTV Spring Break coverage I see a lot of people working very, very hard to have a good time. Clue: if you’re working at it, it’s defacto no longer fun (like sex, if you’re working to get an orgasm, it’s time to get off that poor person and just go to sleep). And getting drunk out of your mind, doesn’t make a good time great; it just makes a bad time less painful. Never one for crowds, I don’t understand the whole mentality of going where thousands of people are going to be, especially when men outnumber women three to one. It’s going to be hard for the the guys from Michigan who’ve been eating doughnuts in the winter to compete with the guys from California who surf everyday, no matter how drunk the women are (and they will be drunk). And how long is Mandy Moore going to be 16? She’s been 16 for two years now. Note that Mandy Moore and Jessica "Virginity Only Means Vaginal Sex" Simpson are there but Christina and Brittney are not. Why. Because they don’t need to be, that’s way. That’s the difference between the top and the bottom. Carmen Electra’s continued media presence frightens me into thinking that 15 minutes of fame has actually been expanded to at least 30. Why else would she still be around with no discernable talent or successful vehicle (Pamela Anderson at least had Baywatch)? Has she become the Charo of this generation? Famous for being famous?
3/19/2001
"Whatever is not nailed down is mine. Whatever I can pry loose is not nailed down." --- Oscar Wilde
HELL IS DARK AND THEY ALWAYS PLAY THIS MOVIE
I’d love to tell you that I’m surprised that Exit Wounds opened at number one, but I knew that it would. The audience for DMX and Steven Seagal is the same and the waters that Rush Hour tested, Romeo Must Die proved: get the Black people and the Asians together and you don’t need a white audience. In this case, our Asian stand in is Steven Seagal, who has long been a favorite of the bruthas. I once was a fan, I must admit. Above The Law was a decent action flick. Unfortunately, with the possible exception of Under Siege, it’s been downhill since then. He’s fat and dyeing his hair now, not to mention turning into Roger Moore in the later Bond years, meaning it’s him and an army of stuntmen. Needless to say, the story follows no logic. It opens with Seagal single-handedly saving the vice-president’s life in a nicely executed action sequence. It’s downhill from there. Apparently, in Detroit, saving the vice-president’s life doesn’t get you national, if not worldwide fame for your heroism, but the scorn of your superiors and banishment to the only precinct run by a model (Jill Hennessy, who is apparently the only female cop in Detroit). I won’t go into the story, because not only is it ridiculous, but also literally takes an hour to get started. Instead, lets go into the sorry pandering to the Black audience, starting first with DMX’s casting and the sorry fat guy from Romeo Must Die. Rappers and chitlin’s style humor. Great. Even worse is the refusal to make DMX look even remotely weak. When he and Seagal face off, it is the sorriest attempt to make an obviously one-side fight look even since Burt Ward and Bruce Lee faced off in that episode of Batman back in the 60’s. Isaiah Washington and Michael Jai White are both in this and supremely wasted. How painful it must be to them as actual actors to have to sit on a set with Seagal and DMX, knowing they will always be second to those losers. Kinda like Meryl Streep hearing that Julia Roberts is the highest paid actress in the world.
DAS CRAPITAL
Enemy At The Gates opens at number two and what hath Saving Private Ryan wrought. This movie opens with Soviet soldiers being ushered into the slaughter that is Stalingrad. Those that aren’t cut down by German attacks are murdered by their own troops from trying to evade the slaughter. Surviving to be come the motherland’s favorite sniper is pretty boy, Jude Law. And there’s your problem. How can you root for one of the nastiest jobs in war (I think only the guy who plants the land mines is worse)? You don’t fight a sniper. He simply picks you off and there’s nothing you can do about it. How can this be heroic? Granted, his targets are Germans, but still…And how about the fact that we’re on the side of Stalin? This is why your lead had to played by a pretty boy. Anything less and you just couldn’t get with the program. The story is supposedly a true account of dueling snipers (it’s not; both sides kept meticulous records of this type of crap and it’s never mentioned), it loses momentum by trying to be a treatise on propaganda and squeezing in a love triangle involving Law, Joseph Fiennes and Rachel Weisz (whose ass is so white, when it’s briefly exposed onscreen, it’s like someone pointed a spotlight at the camera). And the music is so bad, I swear they stole it from an old Star Trek episode.
WELCOME BACK, BABY, TO THE POOR SIDE OF TOWN
The Mexican is down to number three and it’s a good thing Brad Pitt actually likes off the path indie type films, ‘cause it’s where he’s headed. This movie proves his career is pretty much over, because not even Julia Roberts can save him. Only $50M in almost a month? For her, that’s bad and you know who’ll be taking the blame for it. She and James Gandolfini have success elsewhere. Only Brad Pitt truly needed this. Maybe now that his star is fading you can stop pretending he doesn’t have bad skin.
SEE SPOT RUN II: THE WRATH OF KAHN
See Spot Run only drops one notch, which guarantees there will be a sequel of some sorts. Let’s hope that David Arquette dies from radiation poisoning in the engine room at the end.
MORE LIKE 7 1/2 MINUTES
My joy at the failure of others continues with 15 Minutes, down to number five this week. Not so much Robert DeNiro, but Ed Burns. Sorry, but this fucker has just had too much of a charmed life. He needs some suffering and sleeping with Lauren Holly wasn’t enough punishment for me.
BEATS RENTING PORN
Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon actually rises to number six (gee, who knew the Director’s Guild carried so much weight?). After seeing the trailer again, I’m thinking I might have to see it a second time, something I rarely do (the last time I paid to see a movie in the theater more than once was Four Weddings & A Funeral, three times). I’d forgotten how great that fight scene is between Michelle Yeoh and whatshername. Possibly worth seeing again on the big screen.
ECETERA, ECETERA…
Down To Earth is down to number seven, followed by Hannibal at number eight.
HE’S A NASTY MAN
Traffic is down to number nine and as creepy as Michael Douglas is, he’s got a gift for playing less than perfect men. In fact, he’s got a gift for sarcasm. There’s a scene in Traffic where he and Amy Irving (after Crossing Delancey you’d think her career would have taken a better turn) trade barbs and she simply has no chance against his acidic delivery. I’m on the verge of buying a copy of A Perfect Murder on DVD just for the scene where he rips Viggo Mortensen to shreds ("The only thing keeping you from running out the room right now is greed and bad genes.") .
END OF EVIL?
Chocolat is down to number ten and maybe this week with the opening of Heartbreakers, The Brothers and Say It Isn’t So (god help me, I’m going to see them all), this will finally be banished from the top ten.
THOSE WHO FORGET FILM HISTORY ARE DOOMED TO REMAKE IT
Memento doesn’t break the top ten, but is easily the best movie released so far this year. Granted, it’s only March, but this is the first movie to set the bar above sea level. It’s art film to the core. The story of a man (Guy Pearce) who has no short-term memory since the rape and murder of his wife. He sets out to find the killer, keeping track of recent events by taking pictures with a Polaroid and tattooing information on his body (such as: "John G. raped and murdered your wife."). The film is told in reverse, going back one scene to let you know how you got to the previous scene, until you’re finally at the beginning. It’s also pure film noir, complete with a voice over. Unfortunately, you if know film noir, you know there are certain rules that must be obeyed and this film does obey them, so there are things that are predictable. Carrie Anne Moss is here, continuing her habit of making movies with men who are more attractive than herself (Keanu Reeves, Val Kilmer and even Johnny Depp), but now that I think about it, that’s actually pretty easy for her.
ICONIC, DON’T YOU THINK?
Janet Jackson an icon? Well, if you’ve never known a world without MTV I suppose she is. Also, without her and Madonna an entire generation of little female stars who can’t sing a fucking note would have been impossible (Brittney, Alliyah, Mya, etc,…). Don’t start with me. Janet cannot sing. She’s got the best producers and writers around (Terry Lewis & Jimmy Jam) so they can cover it up, but if all technology vanished tomorrow she’d be over, whereas Aretha Franklin and even the odious Mariah Carey would still have work. This is why I found Destiny’s Child’s rendition of "Let’s Wait Awhile" so interesting. I’d never heard it actually sung before, though someone really needs to shut them up when they aren’t singing. You were given looks and talent, ladies. A brain was too much to hope for. Buckcherry deserves some credit for giving a solid rock & roll performance and not pandering to the crowd, but I still can’t understand why they were there? Probably a label thing. That’s easily the reason Jessica Simpson was there. How much do I hate myself for enjoying N’Sync’s video version of "That’s The Way Love Goes,"? And I see one of them got Ricky Martin’s old haircut. And just as Janet cannot sing, Pink and Usher cannot dance. It was almost sad watching the background dancers having to slow down so as not to leave them both in the dust. Mya, on the other hand, may not be a singer but she can dance her ass off (and that’s a lotta dancing given that rump she’s carrying). Speaking of dancing, am I the only person to notice the absence of Paula Abdul? She was the first non-singer to benefit from Janet’s success and was partially responsible for to begin with. How can you celebrate Janet’s dancing and not have the person who made it possible? Tina Landon, who was recommended to Janet by Paula was also missing. Even more ironic were the presence of the Jackson brothers (who look frighteningly like my dad now, except he doesn’t dye his hair). See, Paula came to Janet through her brothers who hired her first. What they leave out is that Paula was actually sleeping with Jackie. I guess that helps explain why she wasn’t invited. I mean, it’s not like she has anything better to do.
STILL MY HERO
I’ve had problems with Dennis Leary recently, because my gut tells me he’s banging Elizabeth Hurley, but then I put my own life into perspective. I have my fair share of attractive women who’ve actually shared my bed over the years, but we’re just friends. Now, if you didn’t know me, would you believe that? Of course not. So, I’m going to try and let my suspicions go. Besides, his new show, The Job, is just too fucking funny for me to hate him. One joke alone put him back on my pedestal: "…see, when I’m looking for a Black guy, it doesn’t make any sense to go to an 80-year-old Jewish lady. I go to the Puerto Rican Day parade when I’m looking for someone smoking pot in the middle of the street in the middle of the day, and the St. Patrick’s Day parade when I’m looking a drunk guy beating up his brother. See how that works." That’s so goddamn funny I can no longer consider myself funny in the wake of it.
OH, SO THAT’S WHERE HARLEM IS
Well, Friends finally had a Black person on their show and they want a fucking medal for it. Gabrielle Union (She’s All That, Bring It On, 10 Things I Hate About You) plays a girl wanted both by David Schwimmer and Matt LeBlanc. When she first arrives there’s a joke about how she only moved from four blocks away. You know, right before that "No Blacks, Hispanics, Asians Gays or Ugly Lesbians Allowed" sign that’s over on Hudson Street. I’ve finally realized that Friends is an ugly white guy’s fantasy of New York where a loser (David Schwimmer) can get girls with perpetually erect nipples (Jennifer Anniston), skinny blonde lesbians (unlike the flannel and mullet-wearing versions that I normally see) attractive minority girls (one Asian and now one Black girl) and others I can’t account for because I only watched the first season in its entirety. His only threats are his secretly gay friend (Matthew Perry) and his good-looking moron friend, which is no competition at all. Goddamn, how I hate this show.
DIGITAL VIDEO DENIAL
For the second time in many months I’ve been horribly denied by DVD. I bought Wonder Boys (the best picture of 2000) and Bedazzled on DVD last week and for the latter I was hoping for some serious additional footage of Elizabeth Hurley. Granted, I did get the French maid’s outfit and an entire Rock Star sequence that was wisely cut, but they cruelly include various trailers which show even more deleted footage. Most specifically: ELIZABETH HURLEY IN A CHEERLEADING OUTFIT! She does a whole ass-shaking routine and everything and it’s nowhere to be found! Coincidentally, my previous DVD disappointment was no additional Black cheerleader footage on Bring It On, though it’s obviously in the trailers.
TWO DOWN, TWO TO GO
John Phillips of The Mamas & The Papas is dead. How can they tell? From this man’s loins sprung Chynna Phillips, Mackenzie Phillips and Bijou Phillips. Man, that’s going to be one hell of a funeral. The cast of Melrose Place, The Baldwins, The Beach Boys (which is only 3 at my last count), Van Halen, and Yoko Ono. That’s right. Bijou is now dating Sean Lennon. Like I said, the first must-funeral of the year.
TEARS STAINED MY CROTCHLESS LEATHER SHORTS
Not attracting nearly as many people to his funeral, but bound to have a better party nonetheless is the Leather/Motorcycle Guy of the Village People. He died of cancer, but if it stopped his post-Village People cabaret career, I think it was a mercy killing from god. Sorry, but I hate cabaret.
MEN ARE PIGS
Okay, now I’m not going to pretend I don’t like that Micheloeb commercial where the girl is down to her underwear when the guy comes in, because large, real breasts on TV are so rare these days, I’ve come to develop an appreciate for them. BUT can you imagine how creepy a male version of that commercial would be? Hot guy down to his underwear in the laundry room, girl comes in with beer and offers the use of her washer and he responds by throwing his clothes into it, leaving himself essentially naked? Two words for you: armpit stains. Two more: skid marks.
GIRL GETS GANG CONDITIONED AT FRAT HOUSE --- NEWS AT ELEVEN
As long as we’re on commercials, am I the only one who realizes that all the Herbal Shampoo commercials are essentially gangbangs? It was inevitable, I suppose. First they started off as masturbation with a single woman pleasuring herself, now it’s still one woman but with multiple men around tending to her, send her into ecstasy. Not that there’s anything wrong with that. Hell, haven’t beer and car commercials been promising us pussy for years? Now shampoos are promising women orgasms. Ladies, they’re lying to you too.
BUT NEVER DO I SEE DREA
Does HBO have to run The Sopranos two hundred fucking times a week? Have they imported the MTV Programmers whose philosophy is basically "we’re gonna run it until you watch it" which is how I know everything about every Real World and Road Rules, though I’ve only intentionally watched one of each (but I love Cribs).
3/12/2001
"Of two evils, choose the prettier." --- Carolyn Wells
HABLA INGLES?
The Mexican remains in the number one spot for the second week in a row and let me clarify something for you people who think I liked this: I did not. It just wasn’t as bad as I expected it to be, which prevented me from honestly hating it. That doesn’t make it good. Spare me your logic of "If he didn’t outright hate it, then I’ll like it." No, you won’t. And as long as I’m here, let me call for a moratorium on scenes in a Spanish speaking country where the ugly American who cannot speak Spanish, seems to believe that adding the prefix "el" and the suffix "o" creates instant Spanish (Instant Spanish: just add water and ignorance!). Who finds this funny after all these years?
NO GOOD CAN COME OF THIS
15 Minutes opens at number two and I was on my way to see this when I realized my CD collection needed rearranging. In other words, common sense got the better of me. The little man in my head who usually keeps me out of trouble (unfortunately, he’s got a blind spot for crazy women) did the math of Robert DeNiro without Martin Scorcese, Ed "I Only Date The Pretty & The Skinny" Burns, the star of the godawful Providence as DeNiro’s love interest (only a 17 year age difference), Kelsey Grammar (‘nuff said) and preachy moral plot ("media exploitation can lead to murder"). It didn’t add up to much. You know you’re in trouble when the strongest draw a movie has for you is the fact that it takes place in the summer. The idea of seeing NYC in the summer heat was the only thing that really appealed to me. So now my CD’s are in alphabetical order once again.
SOME GOOD CAN COME OF THIS
See Spot Run only drops one notch to number three in a week and I’ve found the silver lining in this: David Arquette will now only make children’s films, which means I’ll never see his ugly ass again. See? If you look hard enough…
EAT THIS!
Hannibal is down to number four and though there’s been much crowing about it hitting $200M worldwide, that’s still not enough. It cost $82M to make and at least half that much to advertise it, so we’re talking no less than $110M. For money to be made, it’s still got another $130M to go. As I’ve found out the hard way, you cannot spend more than you make.
KEEP IT TO YOURSELF
Down to Earth is down to number five and during the publicity for the movie, Chris Rock has gotten a lot of joke mileage out of claming not to know who Warren Beatty was. On one hand I enjoy this mocking of Beatty’s loss of status (Chris Rock also let it slip on Jon Stewart, that once you achieve a little heat, has-been celebrities start calling you). I’m not a fan of Beatty, because, believe it or not, after a certain point, men do start to look down on other men who sleep around a lot. Granted, it’s a helluva lot higher than our standards for women (more than three = whore), but it can be reached (more than a thousand = untrustworthy-ass-bandit-who-will-sleep-with-your-wife-and-daughter). In addition, I hated Bulworth. BUT, how could you not know who Warren Beatty was? Pretentious, egomaniacal, ass-bandit he may be, but he’s still a major player in Hollywood history. Being ignorant of this is not something to be proud of, especially for someone usually as smart as Chris Rock, but I guess everything involving this movie is demonstration of his dumb side.
MIRAMAX SUCKS, PT. 10
Opening at number six is Get Over It (it should have opened better, but Miramax was too busy buying Academy votes to give it its due) and the best way I can describe this is to ask if you’ve ever tried to make a dessert at home and end up with a big, sweet, usually goopy mess? It’s still good to eat, but not as good as it should have been. This movie is like that. It’s got a lot of good elements, but it’s not as good as a more cohesive version might have been (say, Bring It On). It opens on a high note, with Ben Foster (Liberty Heights) leaving his girlfriend’s home after being dumped, only to have Vitamin C (a.k.a., Colleen Fitzpatrick from South Jersey) come out of the garage with a band behind her to lip sync "Love Will Keep Us Together" as they follow him down to the street, to be joined by bystanders, postal workers and eventually a full marching band. Now, if could have maintained that same level of absurdity, this might have been great little movie, but as it is, it concedes too many cliched teen movie moments, which only detract from the original ones with Martin Short (a drama teacher with delusions of grandeur) and Kylie Bax (an accident prone high school student who accidentally burns down a Japanese restaurant in the time it takes her date to go to the bathroom). A big hole is the ugly, unburdened by acting talent, Sisqo. Thankfully, they don’t give him many lines, but the few he has, he blows. And poor Mila "That 70’s Show" Kunis, who actually had to be his love interest. She actually has to kiss this ugly bastard. I’m sure the fact he’s so obviously gay was of little consolation. And why was Carmen Electra in this at all? I think she literally has one line.
THE DROUGHT CONTINUES
And I still haven’t thought of anything new to say about Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon, which is down to number seven this week. Give me a break. It’s been out for over three months now. Unless one of the stars kills someone or sleeps with Meg Ryan, there’s nothing left to be said.
HOLES BIG ENOUGH TO TAKE A KILO THRU
Traffic is down to number eight and proof of how much critics want this to be picture of the year over Crouching Tiger (which is sad, considering neither is better than Wonder Boys or Almost Famous), is how the tremendous holes in this are overlooked. There’s a scene when the car used to protect a Federal witness is booby trapped because the assassin just waltzes into the parking lot to plant a bomb on it. Excuse me, but I think the DEA knows better than to leave their vehicles unattended. I sincerely doubt this original English version was this stupid, given how the IRA has taught them a new meaning for the term "auto-destruct." Then there’s the reality of having a drug czar with a child eventually turning tricks for drug money. He’d disappear from the Washington scene so fast, it he might actually go back in time, much less be given a chance to embarrass the president by resigning in the middle of his first press conference (and walking out without one reporter following him, no less!). And this is up for Best Adapted Screenplay.
CHOCLATE FLAVORED BILE
I shot my Miramax-hating wad a while back, so all I can say is Chocolat is down to number nine.
THE END
Finally, Recess: School’s Out is down to number ten, about to leave with me knowing no more about it than I did when it was first released.
MORE MORATORIUMS
As long as I’m calling for moratoriums, let’s have an end to mocking Marvin Gaye. In the much lambasted Monkeybone, "Let’s Get It On" kicks in when someone is about to have sex for a cheap laugh. No more using Marvin Gaye or Barry White in comedic sex scenes. What else? No more women whose rejection of gender roles has left them incapable of wearing high heels (Miss Congeniality). Now, I know women who don’t like to wear high heels (and with good reason; they hurt and…why are you looking at me like that?) but it’s damn near impossible for them to grow up in this country without learning how. And no more men totally incapable of taking care of a baby (The Family Man). Who the hell gets through life never having to change either the diaper of a cousin of sibling? And this includes babies peeing on people during a change. It doesn’t happen that much. Notice how none of these things happened in good movies.
ACTORS ARE STUPID
Now, I love my acting roommate dearly, as I’ve loved the other thespians I’ve met in my life, but let’s face facts: actors are known for not being the sharpest tool in the shed and for good reason. These reasons were brought home during the SAG Awards last night, when they gave awards to Judi Dench (who sleepwalked through a movie she disliked), The West Wing (pollyanna bullshit about a fantasy president), Robert Downey Jr. (because they all know, "there but for the grace of god, go I"), and Julia Roberts (because that’s where they all want to be). Only the English can be trained and talented otherwise, this group of high school dropouts sticks together (which means Joan Allen and Laura Linney never stood a chance with their uppity college degrees). If they knew Benicio del Toro actually went to school, his ass would have lost as well. Now, I love Sarah Jessica Parker, but if she does that goddamned "I’m so stunned" awards acceptance speech again…You just know her costars who haven’t won anything are about to kick her ass. The Director’s Guild had their awards this weekend as well, but it wasn’t televised and for good reason. Directors are as ugly as actors are stupid. Still, at least they bucked conventional trend and gave it Ang Lee. I love Soderbergh, but he’s done his best work in the previous two years (Out Of Sight, The Limey), not in 2000.
REMEMBER WHEN WE USED TO PLAY/ SHOOT ‘EM UP, SHOOT ‘EM UP/BANG, BANG/BABY
So another school shooting by some kid who did everything but flat out tell people---wait HE DID TELL PEOPLE! Okay, this is just a super circle of stupidity here, from the parents and teachers who either ignored it or thought "don’t do it" was enough to stop him (much in the same way "don’t drink" and "don’t have sex" has put a damper on teen debauchery) to the friends who thought enough of his threats to frisk him, but not enough TO LOOK IN HIS FUCKING BACKPACK!!! HELLO!?! And you just know that none of his friends who checked him out were actually shot. Oh, no. That would just make too much sense. It had to be some poor bastard who wanted to take a leak at that moment. Even more twisted is the rash of copycats it set off over the country, my personal favorite being the Catholic schoolgirl who came to school to settle a "long-standing grudge." She was 12. Apparently some preschool incident created a dispute that could only settled with hot lead.
NO SEX IN THE CITY, PT XIV (WELL, NO STRAIGHT SEX ANYWAY)
So, I and a companion who shall remain nameless---aw, who are we kidding? I was out with Chasing Amy again. Anyway, we wind up in a bar called Hell in the meatpacking district and I had to wonder if the people who originally named it had any idea just how appropriate that title would become for this part of the city? In any case, it’s a nice place and we caught good seats so we could look around and see the activities of boys who love boys, girls who love girls and all sorts of variations on that theme. Yes, I was one of the few straight people there, but that’s okay, because it meant no one would ever play Dave Matthews on the jukebox (not that Madonna and Disco Divas left him room on it). I can’t decide who was most entertaining to watch. Was it the lesbian couple in the corner, where the older, less desirable one, pushed away the hand of her younger, professional companion (which was up the back of her shirt), only to spend the rest of the night trying to get back into her good graces, which became a progressively easier task as they both got drunk? Or was it the gay boys and their lonely hag friend, who literally pulled their faces apart when they were kissing? It was so obvious she wanted to turn their duo into a hag-wich and even more obvious that one of the boys was tired of babysitting her. Also on tap was another female couple who came in, sat down and proceeded to show us the type of girl-girl affection normally only seen in certain video rentals. I have to ask: why even bothering to come out if that’s all you’re going to do? Then there was the guy who kept pawing and kissing the ugly girl in the fishnets---except when another guy was around, and all he could do was to look into his eyes (I looked for his "nobody knows I’m gay" shirt, but I think he left it at home). We both felt badly for the pretty Asian boy, who was trapped with his three annoying hags-in-training girlfriends (who had earlier parked their fat asses near us) and so couldn’t really enjoy himself. When the sexually ambiguous Englishman (read: gay by nature, but bisexual to keep his inheritance) sat next to us, we thought Pretty Asian Boy was going to burn a hole in the limey’s head, so hard did he stare. Listen, if they were really your friends, they’d let you cruise. Just as sad was the overweight, older gay man and his younger, fading pretty boy companion, who you just know cheats on him constantly. Still, it was all very entertaining (not to mention expensive for all those goddamn martinis) and not nearly as sad as your average straight bar, filled with women trying to get so drunk they don’t care who they sleep with and the men only too happy to help them. After that, we needed a nice fat-filled breakfast at The Waverly.
LUST NEVER SLEEPS
Speaking of late nights, I have to say one of my favorite NYC traditions is the Arab guys in delis trying to flirt with drunk White women who stagger in. It doesn’t really happen with women of color, because, hey; brown eyes, black hair, they got that at home. But let a Blonde come in---no matter how aesthetically challenged she may be---and she will be the focus of attention. Once I was getting the Sunday paper when an attractive, blonde Englishwoman came in wearing heels that easily put her over six feet. You’d think she was the first woman they’d ever seen in their lives. All conversation ceased and if she wanted to, I feel she could have not only walked out without paying, but with all the money in the register as well. Special weirdness factor: I think I’ve actually seen that woman before…when I was visiting New York 20 fucking years ago. That’s right up there with meeting the mother of the man who killed the relative I was named for, who was so old she thought I was my father. I couldn’t very well correct her. It might have freaked her out.
3/5/2001
"All the things I really like to do are either illegal, immoral or fattening." --- Alexander Woollcott
EL CRAPO
I would love to tell you that The Mexican sucked and that I hated it, but it didn’t and I didn’t. In fact, the only real problem I had with it, is that it starred Julia Roberts and Brad Pitt, because they overshadowed what the story and the characters were really about: wacky mobsters. Now, in the wake of the wacky mobster glut after Tarantino, I’ve sworn off such movies (the only exception to the rule being Thick As Thieves, which is great), but its wacky gangster persona was so well hidden, that I’m sure I wasn’t the only person a little surprised by the level of violence in the movie. Both the leads wind up with at least a homicide a piece, and are relatively unaffected by having killed someone (even if they did deserve it). Not your average romantic comedy. In its heart, this is a seriously low-budget, indie film and would have been better off being made as such. That way, real actors could have played the parts and you would have seen the characters in their true loser seediness (Brad Pitt is an incompetent mob bagman, while Julia Roberts is a wannabe croupier), and not two superstars who liked some indie script that came across their desk. It’s odd, but the same star power that seems to have kept the script intact (given its mainstream targeting, it should have been seriously lightened up), is what obscures it in the end. Only James Gandolfini seems to belong, as a sensitive, gay (is that redundant?) mob hitman. I understand there was a fight to change the name, but both the stars’ contracts prevented it (oh, who are we kidding---Julia Roberts is the only star with clout here. Brad Pitt is falling like a Don King fighter in the third round). Be grateful, as marketing ideas rarely extend beyond using old songs (Return To Me, It Had To Be You, Something To Talk About), figures of speech and cliches (Head Over Heels, Fools Rush In) and any simple phrase involving pronouns (Something About You, Till There Was You, 10 Things I Hate About You, Down To You). This movie was probably headed to being called "South of the Border," "Up, Down & All Around With You," "Sam & Jerry" (the characters’ names, but one’s girl---get it? It’s wacky!), or "Bang! You’re In Love!"
WHY, GOD, WHY?
See Spot Run opens at number two. Why does this movie even exist?
THE WISDOM OF RINGO STARR
Hannibal is notable for being part of the Ray Liotta resurgence. Finally, he’s learned what all really odd-looking actors must learn: not everyone can be a lead. Granted, you have your ugly man exceptions (Nicholas Cage, Matt Damon, Mark Wahlberg), but for the most part, we like our actors to be better looking than the rest of us. Ray Liotta seems to have finally learned and accepted that it’s his destiny to be the guy you go to when James Woods isn’t available; intensity, bad skin and all. After all, it’s better to be a supporting actor in A movies, than the lead in B ones.
TALENT DEFICIENCY
Down to Earth is down to number four this week and the only thing more painful than Chris Rock’s acting is the direction of Chris & Paul Weitz. Do you know how bad you have to be for me to notice? I noticed it in American Pie and I noticed it here. What really sucks about it is that their bad movies make money, so they will continue to inflict their evil upon us for years to come. And how long has Regina King’s lack of acting talent slipped under the radar? I kept trying to figure out why she’s so horrible in this movie, when I realized this is the first time she wasn’t being asked to play a typical "sista-girl" character. In other words, this was the first time she was asked to act---by a couple of bad directors and a non-acting comedian, no less, so there was no one who could help her.
SILENT DRAGON
I have officially run out of things to say about Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon, which holds at number five this week.
LOVE IS THE DRUG AND I NEED TO SCORE
Well, I finally got around to seeing Traffic. It was okay. Sorry, but my procrastinations were wholly justified by this film. It’s simply a very stylized treatise on the futility of the drug war, complete with out-of-character speeches on the whys and wherefores. They try to compensate for it by having the other characters respond to them as if they’re crazy for making this weird speech. My favorite is when Topher Grace (Eric from That 70’s Show) explains why black people sell drugs. Apparently centuries of racism have nothing to do with it, not to mention poverty. It’s just thousands of unrepentant capitalists unable to resist the allure of a burgeoning drug market. Gee, thanks….white boy.
JUST WHEN YOU THOUGHT IT COULDN’T GET WORSE
Chocolat is up one notch to number seven and the ad campaign has reached a new low in its new heights of pandering. Now it includes the words "forgiveness, respect, joy, rebirth, patience, courage, freedom, inclusion." "Inclusion!?!" What kind of shit is this? In a way I’m grateful, because this is begging for a backlash. I look forward to Miramax being completely shut out on Oscar night.
STILL NOTHING
Recess: School’s Out is down to number eight.
KING & QUEEN OF CRAP
3,000 Miles to Graceland is down to number nine and what kind of sorry agents do Courtney Cox and David Arquette have? Granted, he’s limited as he’s a total freak and playing second fiddle to a dog is probably a step up for him, but you’d think having a day job would allow her to choose her projects a bit more carefully. And notice she’s not billed as Courtney Cox Arquette any longer. It was a stupid idea in the first place. If anything he should be David Cox. This marriage was doomed from day one anyway. Let the example of Don Johnson and Melanie Griffith be an example to us all. Couples who make bad movies together and apart, don’t stay together. Ironically, their costar in 3000 Miles To Graceland, Kurt Russell, is an exception to this rule in his relationship with Goldie Hawn.
KNOW YOUR LIMITATIONS
Sweet November closes out the top ten at number ten and the only other actor to appear twice in this list besides David Arquette is Greg Germann a.k.a., Fish on Ally McBeal, which I’ve been suffering through these past few weeks just to see Taye Diggs, who was unimaginatively paired up with the only other black person on the show, Lisa Nicole Carson. Listen, I know most bruthas like it large and I’m a big fan of curves myself, but not that big. You cannot outweigh me. Even the moderately attractive Lucy Liu takes on a new sheen in comparison. Now, what was I talking about? Oh yeah, Greg Germann. He essentially plays an oily businessman in both parts, knowing that real actors don’t have to stretch so the rest should just play it safe. Besides, he peaked in his role as Eric/Rico on Ned & Stacey, which starred the wonderful, Debra Messing.
GEEKS
I’m surprised at my total lack of interest in The Lone Gunmen. This is only slightly less boring than actually hanging out with three pathetic conspiracy geeks and not nearly as funny. I won’t even get started on the "Lara Croft" character (who, quite frankly, isn’t that attractive) they’ve added for an attempt to add sex appeal to, perhaps, the ugliest cast on television. You can’t say they don’t know their lonely geek-boy audience. This cannot possibly last. Supporting characters that are taken out of their supporting environment very rarely survive (After M.A.S.H. anyone? The Ropers? Booker). All In The Family families being the exception that proves the rule (All In The Family: Archie Bunker’s Place, The Jeffersons, Good Times, Maude).
WHY WOULD I PAY?
Series 7, a satirical look at reality television with a show where the contestants actually kill one another, opened this week and what’s the point? How can you satirize an already absurd situation? For all my couch potato faults (and I’m calling a moratorium on all you people sniping about my not leaving the house), I watch none of the reality shows, which is how I can watch Relic Hunter on Saturday afternoon and still be better than you.
SAD CLICHES
I’m slowly becoming addicted to the show Cribs, which is odd, because I never watch Celebrity Homes on E!,. Maybe it’s because the latter is so obviously the result of an interior decorator, whereas the musicians and minor stars on Cribs (Jamie Pressly?) are obviously doing things themselves and have no clue about the large houses they’ve purchased (someone tell Sisqo that’s a bidet, not an extra toilet). I think it’s also the sick pleasure that comes from knowing that someone with only one or two hits cannot afford the mansions and cars these idiots are buying. Look to see this stuff again when it’s being repossessed on Behind the Music. However, one thing I’m starting to dread and fear is the customary perusing of the DVD collections of the Black people. Am I the only person of color on the planet who has never seen, nor wants to see Scarface with Al Pacino?
DO YA THINK I’M AN UGLY ASS SINGER?
Behind the Music with Rod Stewart. It’s a given that BTM only gets the megastars when they’re on the downturn and have a new album to push. Rod Stewart, who’s one of few people who’ve actually managed to stay on top for almost his entire career (with the same goddamn haircut, no less), is one such megastar. Now, I like Rod Stewart. It’s purely my mother’s fault. She loved Rod Stewart and infected me as well. And we don’t just like Rod Stewart, we like the stuff that even Rod Stewart claims not to like, like "Do Ya Think I’m Sexy?" and "Love Touch" (especially the latter, which takes me back to the summer of ’86, when I stayed in the city rather than go home and blew it with not one, but two girls who were interested in me). So this is why I’m sitting there for his 90 minute Behind The Music. He and Mick Jagger are the ultimate examples of what being in a band can do for a man. He’s ugly and he’s always been ugly, but has never slept alone a day in his life except by choice. I find it funny that Britt Eckland is not only not interviewed, but there’s not even the customary "Miss Eckland declined to be interviewed." You get the feeling she was on the list of people they can’t talk to given by the star (Madonna’s list was huge, judging by the people they left out of her episode). Also, Jeff Beck isn’t interviewed either but given how he just gave an hysterical interview ripping Rod for being in a "pink cocoon, it’s not surprising (he also mentioned how he can’t listen to Led Zeppelin because he turned down an offer to join the group). I think the oddest bit is how healthy and normal his kids seem.
JUST DO THE ALPHABET
In Cybil Shepard’s book (which I perused, but did not buy) she mentions that Elvis initially refuses to go down on her because, "White boys don’t eat pussy." Now she was shocked to see cunnilingus broken down among racial lines like that, whereas I was shocked to see the words "white boys" when every one knows the bruthas are the ones known for their aversion to, ahem, "eatin’ at the ‘y.’" Hell, that used to be the only way you can get a sista to date a white guy; the chance he would go down on her. Now it seems that nobody does it. Sorry, ladies.
LOOKING FOR CLUES
I’m thinking that Ricky Martin is actually bisexual, not gay. Why? Well, because of that horrible messy hair and denim look he tried out. Any straight man in the world with taste could tell you it was a horrible mistake, so for a gay man it was impossible. Fortunately, someone gay seems to have gotten to him, because in his appearance on the Tonight Show, he was back to short hair and Armani.
BEATEN WITH AN UGLY, YET TALENTED, STICK
Speaking of Ricky Martin on the Tonight Show, how grateful is he to Christina Aguilera to helping him beat the sophomore jinx, ‘cause that "She Bangs" crap died quick? Their duet is no better, but you tasteless bastards seem to like it. And the most frightening reality about her looks has to be when Andy Dick dressed up like Brittney Spears for his new show on MTV. He actually looked like Christina Aguilera, which is really sad, because as ugly as he is as a man, he’s an even uglier woman.
I PREFER HER BROTHER, DONALD OR HER COUSIN, DAFFY
Why is Penelope Cruz famous? Don’t you have to do something to be famous? I mean other than look like a pretty duck and date ugly movie stars (Matt Damon and now Nicholas Cage). Now, I enjoyed Woman on Top (enough to buy it on DVD this weekend, along with Speed Racer, bringing my DVD total up to 179---not counting the porn), but it was a flop. Oh, well. Gretchen Mol could use a friend.
YOU KNEW IT HAD TO END
So, Napster’s over. I’ve got my 357 songs that I’d never pay money for (not the least of which is Jack Wagner’s "Love Will Take Us All The Way"). How about you?
REFLECTIONS
Jada Pinkett Smith says she’s very upset at the failure of Tom and Nicole’s marriage. She should be. As their Black reflection, it’s a sign that her marriage of convenience is living on borrowed time as well. And if you still doubt me on this, right before the divorce was announced both Nicole and Jada gave interviews where they spoke of how much sex they had with their husbands. Please. When was the last time you heard an actual married couple with kids talk about all the sex they were having? At best, it’s all the sex they used to have.
PONCE DE LEON CALLS IN HIS DEBT
For years Chris Issak has denied the passage of time (he’s well into his 40’s, people), but upon catching him on The Tonight Show, I feel that’s come to an end. He looks like shit. So do you think his current squeeze, Bai Ling, caused it or is now the victim of it? I feel bad for her either way. Here she is with this incredibly funny, good-looking, talented guy and she wakes up one morning to find out she’s just down to two out of three. I have a friend who once dated him and I feel compelled to keep her informed of these things. I’m sure it annoys her, because everyone else who knows does the same thing. Still funny to me, and that’s all that really matters.
YET ONE MORE REASON NOT TO GO WORK OUT
Either that’s a topless woman or a topless man working the door of the trannie club (transvestite/transsexual) that I pass on my way to the gym, but either way it’s got to be cold.
SORRY, BUT THERE’S NO "MACKIN’" MUSCLE
Finally, why is it we never think our own game is weak, but when we watch someone else, it’s so obvious and pathetic? Now, I’m not going to pretend that I don’t notice the attractive women at my gym, but I’ve accepted that I’m not physically fit enough for most of them. Certainly not gorgeous Eurasian woman who spends a full forty minutes running next to me, while I’m barely doing thirty on a bike (even if I could get her, she’d kill me). Same for the large Nordic blonde on the Stairmaster. One of the first rules learned by mankind is "Mortals shouldn’t go to Olympus to try and get laid." Unfortunately, my fellow man refuses to acknowledge his own limitations. I saw the very fit woman in the bikini (her first mistake) getting out of the pool as I was going in, and the moment I saw the balding, middle-aged gent with the unavoidable gut get out of the pool, I knew he was following her to the hot tub to make his move. Sure enough, at one point when I came up for air, I hear her say, "I’m sorry, but I’ve had a hard day." Then came his apology and then silence. He waited a few moments after she left to make it look good, but it was obvious she was the only reason he’d gotten in the hot tub in the first place. It was so sad I could barely control the large grin on my face.
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