3/28/05
“Far from idleness being the root of all evil, it is rather only the true good.” --- Soren Kiefkegaard
AND INXS’S “ORIGINAL SIN” IS A MUCH BETTER SONG THAN “EBONY & IVORY”
Guess Who opens at number one this week and it’s gonna take a helluva lot to get me into any Ashton Kutcher film, ever. And the presence of Bernie Mac means jack shit to me. At least I used to watch That 70’s Show. The Bernie Mac show just hits too close to. I see too much of my dad and my uncle in him and I’m not a thousand miles away from both of them because there were no nice apartments in Atlanta. No, I’m here ‘cause old school, middle-aged-Black men can be annoying as hell (“This ray shit ain’t nuthin’! Music died in 1979! Let’s go see Frankie Beverly and Maze.”). In any case, this movie came about because both Bernie Mac and Ashton Kutcher were planning remake Guess Who’s Coming To Dinner, which I can’t contest because it’s such a lame movie to begin with. Sorry, but it is. The whole interracial aspect is lost between the perfection of Sidney Poiter’s character and the total willingness of the parents to understand. It needed to be redone with some human flaws on both ends. And I’ve got nothing against a comedy remake, but this heavy-handed stuff is only for the audience of morons that have made Ashton Kutcher a star. And on what planet does someone become engaged to someone without that person every meeting their family? Hell, you need to meet them just as much to see what kind of mess you’re getting into, because the way someone acts away from family can be a 180-degree turn from the way someone acts with family, and it’s that core behavior you need to know about. Once daddy’s princess, always daddy’s princess, no matter what kind of punk rock rebel she pretends to be away from home and guess who’s job it becomes to cater to her needs now? Exactly. Same for mommy’s “Little Prince.” She wiped his nose and despite the leather jackets and beard stubble, you’ll have to wipe it now too. These are just a few of the many factors that will keep me away from this until it turns up on cable in a year and I give it the cursory two minute glance I’m now giving Along Came Polly (and one of those minutes is purely Debra Messing based).
DID I MENTION HOW MUCH THE SONG “EBONY & IVORY” SUCKED?
Miss Congeniality 2 opens at number two giving us the female flip side of the number one feature. Angry, humorless Black man with hapless White man trying to be liked by him, meet angry, humorless Black woman with hapless White woman trying to be liked by her. Male Interracial Buddy comedy vs. Female Interracial Buddy Comedy. And what does it say that the film with the bigger star (Sandra Bullock) and more prolific actor (Regina King was snubbed by the Academy for her role in Ray) gets beaten out by $7M? Has the difference in male and female salaries in Hollywood been justified? Truth be told, that $7M is all Black people, who went to see Bernie Mac torture Ashton Kutcher, rather than see Regina King head-butt Sandra Bullock. Also, Bernie Mac is just as much the star of his movie, whereas Regina King is the co-star here, and apparently the bruthas and sistas were not having that. Now, the first Miss Congeniality was a piece of shit. Any movie that in the 21st Century can somehow find the idea of a woman not being able to wear heels to be hysterically funny is a piece of unimaginative shit. Strangely though, one of the writers completely recovered and wrote and directed the unexpectedly funny Two Weeks Notice, which actually avoided romantic clichés. He’s back, but not directing and with his apparently unfunny writing partner producing this labored sequel. Obviously, they couldn’t put Sandra Bullock into another contest since she revealed her identity in the first, so they come up with the insane idea that she’s now best buddies with the winner who has been kidnapped. Quite frankly, what barely constituted as humor in the first one was the entire “fish out of water” concept and now that’s gone. The idea that, as the new F.B.I. spokesperson she’d be back in “fish out of water” mode is actually a somewhat intelligent way to re-create it, but then they slapped that other story on top of it. Simply put: there was no cause, need or logical reason for this to have a sequel, so short of having a different F.B.I. agent in a different pageant, it was going to suck. You’d think Sandra Bullock would have learned her lesson after Speed II (“This summer, rush hour hits the water…”) the way the pretty boys she works with seem to. Keanu Reeves didn’t come back for that one and Benjamin Bratt is nowhere to be seen here. Much like how a few native tribes in Sri Lanka survived by following the fleeing animals before the tidal wave , Sandra Bullock should have followed the less-intelligent, but more instinctual pretty boys to safety.
AMERICA DOESN’T LIKE IT WHEN YOU SCREW WITH ITS CLASSICS…LIKE WILMA FLINTSTONE
The Ring Two is down to number three and also starring in this is veritable who’s who of 80’s actors. First of all is Oscar winner Sissy Spacek, who knows what a good horror film should be. Hell, Carrie is still fucking with me almost 30 years later (yet another reason why I don’t do the scary). But she has hardly fallen from grace. Sissy more walked away. I mean, you didn’t see her collecting a paycheck for a cameo in the Carrie remake. But someone who’s definitely lucky to be working in Elizabeth Perkins, who was a favorite of mine in the 80’s and had a brief flirtation with fame after Big, but saw her career essentially torpedoed with the twin sacrilegious mistakes of The Flintstones (though it made money) and the remake of Miracle on 34th Street. Also, she and Mary Louise Parker slightly resemble one another (Elizabeth could be her older, meaner sister) and so apparently have had to split their fame over the last 15 years. Also in this is Gary Cole, who seemed to be destined for bigger things after the Fatal Vision TV movie and his show, “Midnight Caller,” but Gary never seemed to really give a shit and his career trajectory reflects that. Now he’s most famous for playing Bill Lumbergh in Office Space.
I KNOW THIS MUCH IS TRUE
Robots is down to number four and yes, they are gearing up (no pun intended) for Robots 2. And yes, it will suck.
IT CAN ONLY BE SETTLED BY NUDE BABY-OIL WRESTLING
The Pacifier is down to number five, followed by Hitch at number six and because Hollywood is very narrow-minded when it comes to minorities, how many times do you think Eva Mendes has been asked if she’s worried about Eva Longoria from Desperate Housewives? After all, with JLo’s star slowly falling, the role of “The Latina” in Hollywood is wide open now. Yes, I love Salma Hayek too, but she was never in consideration because of accent and even she will admit that. Movie Eva has a big advantage because, well, she’s in the movies. But TV Eva has more exposure and people who didn’t see Hitch know damn well who she is (like my mom). Me, I’m gonna have to go with Movie Eva due to no other reason than her resemblance to Cindy Crawford. Also, she’s done full frontal nudity and that’s hard to compete with. Well, it is.
PATRICK SWAYZE CALLED TOO AND HE’S NOT EVEN DIVORCED
Hostage is down to number seven and even though this may die here, it’ll probably find an audience overseas with people who still believe Bruce Willis is a star. Right now he’s most famous for having Ashton Kutcher fuck his ex-wife. Rumor has it Burt Reynolds tried to get him to date Loni Anderson, but she hasn’t held up quite as well as Demi Moore.
“’CAUSE THAT’S WHAT BRIAN BOITANO’D DO!”
Ice Princess is down to number eight and I’m surprised they aren’t playing up the cameos by Michelle Kwan and Brian Boitano, whose name will now forever be synonymous with that song from South Park, because honestly, I’d never heard of him before then.
SO MUCH FOR THAT UNWANTED MURPHY BROWN REUNION
Be Cool is down to number nine and this film bears the misfortune of perhaps being the last film of the late Robert Pastorelli, who apparently learned nothing from the death of John Belushi, River Phoenix or anyone else who died from a drug overdose over the past two decades. And we won’t get into the fact he was still “under interest” by the LAPD for the “suicide” of his 25-year-old girlfriend a year earlier, which was finally ruled an accident after he died.
AT LAST, THE END
Finally, Million Dollar Baby closes out the top ten at number ten, bringing 2004 to a long overdue end.
EYES WITHOUT A FACE
Not breaking the top ten is the movie Face, starring Bai Ling, finally speaking and not playing a femme fatale. It’s the story of a Chinese girl in Queens who, after being forced to marry the man who raped her and got her pregnant, abandons her daughter (played by Kristy Wu, late of Buffy The Vampire Slayer) to be raised by her own mother. She returns 18 years later---after becoming a success in banking in Shanghai---for her daughter’s graduation. The film alternates between the rebellion of Bai Ling against her mother by wanting a non-Chinese way of life and her own daughter’s rebellion two decades later for the same reasons, but in this case it also has to do with her dating a Black guy (which is a huge taboo, because White people are freaking mild compared to Asians when it comes to hooking up with the bruthas), played by Treach from Naughty By Nature. This could have been a better film, but the script definitely needed another pass…or three. For example: we’re shown Bai Ling’s uncle, but 18 years later, he’s neither seen or mentioned. Same with the family of the man she’s forced to marry. Played by Asian boy-of-the-moment, Will Yun-Lee, he’s the spoiled rich kid whom his mother controls by her purse strings who also mentions three older sisters. Again, 18 years later she’s also nowhere to be seen and no mention is made of her death. And you can forget about Kristy Wu apparently having either aunts or cousins. Also, before Bai Ling leaves, we see a big family dinner for the new parents, but apparently everyone abandoned this kid and her grandmother, which goes completely against the kind of traditionalist Chinese culture both Kristy Wu and Bai Ling are at odds with. You can’t just have it pop up when it’s convenient for your characters. That’s just bad writing. The film is obviously super low budget, but gets points for not going with digital video and filming on location in NYC (but obviously couldn’t afford to pay Will Yun-Lee to cut his hair, so it’s the same length 20 years later). And the performances are solid, with Bai Ling convincingly playing both 21 and 39. One thing the script does get right is the anger of the daughter. Her resentment of her runaway mother is unrelenting, the way it would be in real life. And there’s no big wrap-up happy ending either, just a sad acceptance between three generations. The only real acting lapse is Treach. Seeing this, you understand the Samuel L. Jackson resentment to rappers taking the place of actors. A real actor might have been able to overcome the two-dimensionality of the script, but a non-actor just made the limitations of the writing even more apparent.
SLOW RIDE…TO THE GRAVE
Death Marches on, apparently unable to find her way to Florida. Recently, it’s been Debra Hill, who produced every film John Carpenter ever made, not mention The Fisher King and Pee Wee’s Big Adventure. Also gone are Bobby Short, a cabaret legend; one of the Blind Boys of Alabama; Danny Joe Brown, lead singer of Molly Hatchet; Rod Price, bass player for Foghat; Paul Hester, the drummer for both Split Enz (whom I loved) and Crowed House (who had one of the great singles of the 80’s) and even the guy who played Seinfeld’s dad. Doesn’t matter how low you are on the food chain. If you entertain, you are going to die and sooner than the rest of us.
THIS WOULD NEVER HAPPEN WITH LESBIANS
Finally, after being awakened on a Sunday morning for the fifth time in less than two months by a bed rocking so hard I could feel the vibrations (it’s actually going on as I write this), I sat down and wrote my neighbors a note. It went something like this:
“Dear Vile Sodomites,
Please cease your godless behavior. Don’t you know that every time you perform your vile act the baby Jesus cries!?! What you’re doing is a sin against nature and should only be performed by a man and a woman and only when she’s tired of him begging for it and he has given her jewelry for their anniversary, not six out of seven days of the week they way you do. Personally, I believe you’re just showing off. No one wants to have sex that much, not even two dudes.
Sincerely,
Your Neighbor”
Okay, so it wasn’t anything like that. It was actually pretty goddamn witty, even if I do say so myself, and they said as much in their reply note where they confessed they’d actually been planning to buy a new bed. They even appreciated that I enclosed four rubber stoppers for their bed (though the vibrations I’m feeling right not suggest they’re either not using them or have overpowered them altogether). Based on the success of that, I’ve decided to go through my entire building and have all my neighbors stop having noisy sex. I’m quiet on a stable bed, so everyone has to be quiet on a stable bed. No exceptions! Except Catholic girls who talk dirty. And for those of you who follow a different path, Catholic boys (no priest jokes, please).
3/21/05
“It is difficult to love mankind unless one has a reasonable private income and when one has a reasonable private income, one has better things to do than loving mankind.” --- Hugh Kingsmill
THERE ARE APPARENTLY ONLY THREE OR FOUR TYPES OF AUSTRALIAN WOMEN
The Ring 2 opens at number one and isn’t this a bit dated now? I mean, shouldn’t it be a cursed DVD, complete with a menu of “Death Choices” and “Alternate Curses” along with commentary by the ghost on her motivation during each scary scene? Needless to say, I’m not going to see this just as I didn’t see the first one. Not only do we not do the scary, we don’t do the scary equivalent of a freaking chain letter of death. But do you realize this is Naomi Watts’ sole claim to A-list fame? These two movies, ‘cause it damn sure ain’t her indie work. Oh, yeah, she’s also the best friend and practical mirror image of Nicole Kidman, which speaks volumes about both women, that their best friend looks just like them. Gee, narcissistic much?
I’M SURE THE SUCCESS MAKES HER FEEL GOOD
Robots is down to two and there’s a laundry list of celeb voices in this, very few A-list. Completing the Star Wars connection is James Earl Jones for a Darth Vader joke. After him it’s Paula Abdul, Al Roker, Paul Giamatti, Terry Bradshaw, Jay Leno, Natasha Lyonne, Stanley Tucci and Diane Wiest. Higher up on the food chain is Halle Berry, who has completed part three of her career rehabilitation with the success of this film. After the disappointment of Gothika and utter failure of Catwoman, she’s had a producing success with Lackawanna Blues, an acting success with Their Eyes Were Watching God and now this. Apparently, her agent knew he was picking jobs just for money and that she’d need a kiddie film parachute at the end of it. I hope he’s currently talking her into X-Men 3, because I don’t see a lot of success with her remake of Foxy Brown. That’s right, she’s going to be remaking the Pam Grier blaxsploitation classic, but someone should to tell her a staple of all the Pam Grier films was that she was always topless at least once. To do anything less would be an insult to the fans.
IF YOUR BOYFRIEND WANTED TO SEE THIS AND PHANTOM OF THE OPERA, I’VE GOT BAD NEWS…
The Pacifier is down to number three, followed by Ice Princess at number four and speaking of careers being saved by kid films, we’ve got Kim Catrall looking for a post-Sex & City life by playing a skating coach. The funny thing is, most of the teenage girls who see this have actually seen Sex & The City and will also be expecting her to suddenly give blowjob lessons to Michelle Trachtenberg. And for her this is just continuing her long career in kid films going back to Harriet The Spy. Yes, she was Harriet the Spy. Puberty was very, very good to her. This film will also serve the dual purpose of building her a loyal gay audience that will support her for the next forty years.
I SUPPOSE DUDE LOOKS LIKE A LADY IS ABOUT THE KIDS TOO
Hitch holds at number five, followed by Be Cool at number six and also appearing in this disaster as himself is Steven Tyler, not to mention the rest of Aerosmith for a concert number with Christina Milan. That’s right, all of you who’ve been clamoring for useless, awkward musical duets were heard loud and clear. There’s also a painful sequence where Steven Tyler and John Travolta discuss the genesis behind “Sweet Emotion” where Steven Tyler honestly answers that he was fucked up when he wrote it---only to have John Travolta tell him it was actually about his kids, Liv and Mia and then have Tyler respond, “Yeah, you’re right.” What the fuck? It’s even worse than I describe and time just sloooooows down to a crawl while it goes on so you can take in all the bad rock star acting, even though he’s just playing himself.
IT COULD BE WORSE; JODI WHATLEY’S SISTER WAS A PORN STAR WHO DATED KID ROCK
Hostage is down to number seven and aside from Bruce Willis’s daughter, the other celeb family member is Serena Scott Thomas. That’s right, the sister of the amazing Kristin Scott-Thomas and believe it or not, this is the second biggest movie she’s ever been in, the first being The World Is Not Enough as Dr. Molly Warmflash. Strangely, they never brought her character back. I guess she can now hang out with Frank Stallone and Kevin Dillon, adding a female chapter to that less-attractive, less-talented sibling club along with Page Hannah and Tracy Griffith.
YOU DON’T GET RICH TREATING ACTORS WITH RESPECT
Million Dollar Baby is down to number eight and at $90M this is actually a hit. It only cost $35M and came in under budget and ahead of schedule. I guess when you only do one or two takes, you save a lot on production costs, not to mention hiring actors who’ll work cheap because you might win them Oscars, a.k.a., The Director’s Great Scam, used most effectively by Woody Allen.
THE END
Diary of A Mad Black Woman is down to number nine followed by Constantine closing out the top ten at number ten.
RETREAD & RETREAD
Not breaking the top ten is Melinda & Melinda, Woody Allen’s latest and no, I did not see it, but I’m glad to see Radha Mitchell getting something from Woody Allen’s latest reheating of his old themes. I’ve loved her since High Art and not even her role in Finding Neverland seemed to do as much for her. Also, she does the indie thing, which means no one ever sees her. And if you want to know why I hate the art house crowd just know that the painfully lame joke from the commercial where Will Ferrell asks his wife if they communicate and she replies, “Yes, but can we not talk about it?” was met with actual fucking laughter (“The forced laugher of an art house crowd,” as Futurama accurately put it) at Lincoln Center. No wonder he won’t change when he makes his movies so cheaply they always make a little money and his toady audience of thirty years supports him unconditionally. And just what does Amanda Peet have that she keeps getting cast despite never, ever having a hit? Not only is she in this, but is also freaking co-starring with Ashton Kutcher in an upcoming film. If I were an actor, I’d be trying to get her agent, ‘cause they do work!
SHE’S OWED LIKE FOUR OSCARS
Actually charting at number eleven this week is The Upside of Anger, starring one of my favorite actors, Joan Allen. Sorry, but aside from being talented as hell, I find that tall, skinny bitch super-duper sexy. I do. I’m all about curves and an ass, but I’d be lying if I said skinny can’t be hot too. The fact that she’s 5’10” only makes it better. I’d give anything for her and Sigourney Weaver to be in a film together. Maybe have Geena Davis and Peta Wilson swing by. With a special guest appearance by Lucy Lawless…ooh, such height. Oh. Where was I? Remember what I said about lowering one’s expectations? Well, call in a deep-sea diving team for this one, because it was written and directed by the odious Mike Binder. You know him. He was the writer and star of HBO’s hideous Mind of the Married Man, which was filled with the fucking ugliest actors married to and cheating on attractive women. He also writes, directs and stars in films where he’s either married to or sleeping Mariel Hemmingway, which means they’re pretty much science fiction, because he’s a short, ugly, middle-aged toad of a man. He’s like a more mainstream Eric Schaffer, who also writes, directs and stars in movies where he gets Elle McPherson and then dumps her for Sarah Jessica Parker. To see that he’s written and directed a film about women did not fill me with hope. Well, with my expectations sitting next to the Titanic at the bottom of the Atlantic, I actually managed to enjoy this film about a woman who just gives herself to rage and booze when her husband of twenty-plus years apparently runs off with his Swedish secretary. Facing the brunt of this are her four beautiful daughters, played by Alicia Witt (she’s gained her weight back and now looks interesting again), Erika Christensen, Keri Russell (still so lovely it hurts and she actually looks like she could be Joan Allen’s daughter) and Evan Rachel Wood, who could seriously be the next Meryl Streep or Cate Blanchett and I wish this film had given her more to do, which is odd considering she’s partially narrating it. The film succeeds only because of the performances of the actors in it, as the writing takes them nowhere. Kevin Costner all but wipes his slate clean of so many bad movies by playing this unofficial second act of one of his many baseball characters. The character has the jacket and same name of Davis from Bull Durham, but played for Detroit like the character from For Love Of The Game. He’s a neighbor of Joan Allen who begins drinking with her after her husband vanishes and they slowly escalate into a relationship because he’s willing to take all she throws at him and still sticks around. Disgusting Mike Binder gives himself a role as the producer of Costner’s radio show who hires Erika Christensen at Costner’s request, but mainly because he likes to sleep with young women and begins doing so with Christensen. Granted, he makes the character somewhat pathetic and even has Joan Allen bitch-slap his ass to the ground, but this is like the obnoxious guy who admits he’s obnoxious before you can do it, thinking it somehow excuses him. It does not. And there’s a serious, serious manipulation revealed at the end of the film, but it was no surprise to me as I’d guessed it in the first five minutes, but just the attempt drives home the limitations of Binder’s screenplay. But Joan Allen all pins and needles and Kevin Costner all pin cushion work well together.
HE WHO DIES WITH THE MOST TOYS WINS
So, like any person who has been forced to undergo an unnatural level of self-control, I found myself rebelling and going off on a bit of a spending spree. After decimating my DVD collection over the last few months (we went from over 300 down to 270---not counting the porn, which also took a hit) I found myself grabbing them off the shelves. Bringing Up Baby was finally restored and released, so I had to have it, along with Palm Beach Story (one of the greatest comedies ever made), Great Expectations (I can’t help it, it’s just lovely to see), The Incredibles (I’ve been waiting since the first time I saw it), Bambi (kinda had to have it), Superman Animated Adventures Season and I found out a few more Hal Hartley films have been released on DVD, not to mention freaking Laura. But, my worst indulgence has to be buying a collection of Spandau Ballet videos off eBay. It’s hysterical watching their fashions change from New Romantic to GQ to the saddest of 80’s trendy with mega-highlighted-moussed-mullets and shoulder pads to haircuts and recovery in the 90’s. Not to mention a bunch of solo stuff by the lead singer. And yes, I’ve become the old person I once ridiculed my parents for being, trapped his own past. And don’t act like you’re better than I am, ‘cause you’re not and you know you’d give your left nut/tit to see his cover of “Save A Prayer” with Simon LeBon chiming in. It’s one of the best bad songs ever. Who can forget the immortal lyrics “And you wanted to dance/So I asked you to dance/But fear is in your soul/Some people will call it a one night stand/But we can call it paradise.” You just can’t beat that. But given that it’s been a full twenty years now since Scritti Politti released “Cupid & Psyche ‘85” I’m demanding a 20th Anniversary Remastered edition. Name your price, baby.
HENDRIX WOULDN’T CHOOSE FOOD OVER HIS AXE AND NEITHER WILL I
Another part the buying spree was replacing my acoustic guitar. See, during the severe financial crunch that accompanied my huge apartment sale I also sold off my acoustic guitar. Recently, I’ve rediscovered playing again and I find myself missing it, so I bought another one, a much better one. I had to do it on my own because Bad Influence and I couldn’t get together, as he is my guitar Yoda. So I did the rounds, Sam Ash, Manny’s, Guitar Center and Ludlow Guitars, before finally choosing the wider selection at Guitar Center and luckily catching them in the middle of a March sale, where $100 was knocked off my guitar of choice, a Yamaha FG-04LTD. Unfortunately, not only does it not make be a better player, but actually accentuates how much I’ve lost over the last few months of totally slacking off playing. Sigh. I guess I’ll never start that band.
PUT ANOTHER DOLLAR ON THE BARTOP, BABY
In a surprising break in character, I found myself in a bar on Saturday and well into Sunday morning. Well, of course there were conditions. First of all, the bar in question is Perdition, which just opened half a block away from my home, so I’m kinda out of excuses when someone offers to meet me there, which in this case was another laid-off former co-woker who was coming in from Queens with her friends. I hadn’t seen her literally since last May so the Heart haircut was actually a Joan Jett haircut and looked great, but there was no telling her that. Joan Jett is now a bit of a fitness nut to the point where she works out so much she actually hurts herself (something that will never be my problem), but it has paid off, I must admit. But again, she can’t see this and won’t be happy until she looks like freaking Joan Allen, which is simply not going to happen to a buxom 5’4” Italian girl from New Jersey. In any case, I’d promised her a drink for her birthday and since she was right up the block I had no excuse but to go. Joan Jett’s weight loss and fitness regimen have served to make her a painfully cheap drunk and after just two Apple martinis was very vocal on a wide variety of subjects, ranging from my extensive porn collection to how someone who didn’t hire her could suck her left tit (and she made sure you knew exactly which tit she was talking about). She met her match at the post-drink-diner-visit in a loud fat drunk fat guy with his own group of friends, who simply could not be drowned out. We returned to Perdition briefly (her boyfriend graciously allowed me the honor of holding her up for the five block walk) before all heading home and I’ve decided I no longer need venture past 10th Ave. If you insist that I come out, you come to my local bar or leave me the hell alone. There’ll be no more venturing throughout the city for me. And they’ve started to serve a little food too? Game over, baby.
3/14/05
“Nothing is more humiliating than to see idiots succeed in enterprises we have failed in.” --- Gustave Flaubert
NOT SO HEAVY METAL
Robots opens at number one, and as I’ve said many times before, the key to enjoying more movies is to simply lower your expectations. Now, I hated Ice Age with a passion. It was simply a stupid story whose flaws were actually pointed out by the characters in the story! Given this comes from the same studio as Ice Age and has the now-odious Robin Williams in it, I prepared myself for the worst and headed off to my beloved Ziegfeld. But it wasn’t a total waste. First of all, as a long time science fiction geek, a movie about robots automatically appeals to me. And the fact they used old-school 30’s and 40’s styles (along with some nice Art Deco) for the robots was an added treat. Second, Robin Williams was not the main character and we are wonderfully spared his annoying rapid-fire “comedy” for more than a few stretches of the film. And third, how can you hate a film where the Tin Man from Oz shows up as a robot? Not to mention a total lame throwaway joke in the first five minutes coming back for a payoff in the last two. But don’t kid yourselves. No one at Pixar is going to lose any sleep over this. While it seems to realize that Pixar’s success is based in the heart of its characters and has a story with some degree of humanity, it never really takes off, much less ascends to heights of something Finding Nemo or The Incredibles. But what could you expect from the screenwriting team of Lowell Ganz and Babaloo Mandel who have made a living churning out serviceable comedies like Splash, City Slickers and EdTV? Funny, but hardly exceptional writers (and I love EdTV). Likewise, the film does have plenty of funny moments, but nothing truly stands out and forget about any real emotional heart. If Dorry’s speech in Finding Nemo almost made you cry (I swear I had something in my eye!), you’re safe here. Maybe if they’d embraced the film’s “message” a bit more and pursued the very obvious metaphor for a health care system, but that’s much too heavy for all the lightweights involved here. But is Ewan MacGregor ever going to speak with a Scottish accent again onscreen? It’s a cartoon, so I fail to see the point in hiring him as a “star” when he lacks any distinctive vocal pattern. His most famous roles are those lame Star Wars films where he’s imitating Alec Guinness or Trainspotting, where he’s in full on Scottish brogue. But no one knows his bland “American” accent. In fact, the person who comes off best is Greg Kinnear, who finally scores a hit here as the evil art deco robot. It’s been a long time since As Good As It Gets, huh, Greg?
MOONLIGHTING
The Pacifier is down to number two, dethroned by the latest babysitting movie at number one, and also in this to score some easy movie cash and credit are Faith Ford and Lauren Graham, but you’d think when you have a successful TV to fall back on, you’d try something a little more interesting. But like I said, it was quick and easy cash. Probably allowed both of them to add on to the house or buy cars for family members. For Lauren Graham this is an odd bookend to her appearance in Bad Santa, where she was the funniest part of the film, and she wasn’t that funny. For Faith Ford, it was merely pleasing her TV audience by remaining the mommy they see every week. Though seeing her say, “Fuck me, Santa. Fuck me, Santa,” would make me laugh.
HE’S GOT SPUNK…AND WE HATE SPUNK.
Be Cool is down to number three and you gotta pity The Rock. He’s got all the personality in the world and great comic timing, but they simply don’t know what to do with him in Hollywood. The Scorpion King was okay, but The Rundown was screwed up by a Fall release when his primary audience was in school and couldn’t see it. Then came the unwanted, unneeded remake of Walking Tall and now when he plays the role of a gay bodyguard with all the gusto of the Saturday Night Appearance that put him on the map for much of Hollywood, it’s wasted in this piece of crap. Next he’s appearing in not one, but two video game adaptations: Spyhunter and Doom. Sigh. Hope he’s investing that money well, ‘cause it’s about to dry up and soon he’ll be starring in his own version of The Pacifier. Come to think of it, had he been in that movie, I might have seen it. And you wouldn’t have to change a line.
THEY USED TO MAKE DEMI MOORE MOVIES TOO. USED TO.
Hostage opens at number four and certain stars and directors have reached the point where a movie, no matter what it’s about, becomes their movie. Like Tom Cruise. It’s always a “Tom Cruise” movie no matter if he’s a sports agent or a super-spy or a wannabe samurai and if you don’t like Tom Cruise, no matter what, you will not like the movie because it’s his. Bruce Willis is one of those guys and I stopped seeing Bruce Willis movies long ago. Unlike Tom Cruise, Bruce Willis seems to have no desire to work with talented people on his starring projects, only his indie work (like the upcoming Sin City). He bought the book this was based upon and his production company did it. He even put his daughter in it (who, like Billy Joel’s daughter had the misfortune of getting dad’s looks when mom is beautiful), but had no desire to have any whom he might have to listen to on-set. While Tom Cruise goes out of his way to work with directors like John Woo and screenwriters like Robert Towne, this director comes from music videos and the screenwriter comes from Welcome to Mooseport and Money Train. Yeah, exactly. And to top it off, it’s almost two hours long. Yep, this may get a cursory glance on cable a year or so from now, but like so many others, I’m not wasting my time or money going to see it in a theater. And someone should really tell Bruce Willis that, while he is funny, he’s not as funny as he thinks he is and it’s painful on talk shows watching him trying to match up to Letterman or even Leno.
THE MAD BLACK WOMAN IN QUESTION IS REALLY HIM
Hitch is down to number five, followed by Million Dollar Baby at number six and Diary of A Mad Black Woman at number seven, and you think Morgan Freeman wants to appear in one these lame-ass chitlin films? No, me either. And apparently Tyler Perry comes from the school of Luther Vandross heterosexuality. He literally said he has a “closet” in his mansion for his future wife. Yeah, he’s got a closet all right, but it’s not for any wife and it’s plenty full already.
RIPPLING ABS STRAIGHT FROM THE MOTHERLAND
Constantine is down to number eight and the last name in this movie is Djimon Hounsou who probably thought that Amistad was going to make him a star. Whoops. Sadly, or perhaps inevitably, he’s been stuck playing “The African Guide” for people like Heath Ledger and Angelina Jolie. He’s even played the “Black Man Who Guides Whitey Through” in In America. But to me he’ll always be Mr. Chiseled from the Janet Jackson “Love Will Never Do” video. Yes, that was him.
BECAUSE SOME PEOPLE PREFER WINE SPRITZERS TO ACTUAL WINE
Man of the House is down to number nine and Anne Archer is still doing her part as “companion for actors of A Certain Age” as Tommy Lee Jones’s love interest in this film. What’s sad and funny is that she used to do it for Harrison Ford and Michael Douglas before she got too old and they decided that only women half their age were appropriate. Tommy Lee doesn’t have that clout any more. He had it once, long enough to get Anne Heche, who also once co-starred with Harrison Ford.
YOU KNOW SHE’S PISSED ABOUT NOT GETTING HONEY
Finally cursed is down to number ten and also appearing in this wannabe Scream redux is Mya, she of the spectacular booty, but the aesthetically denied countenance. In other words, she ain’t pretty so God gave her a really nice ass. She was one of the prisoners in Chicago and reunited with Richard Gere in Shall We Dance as the fiancée of one of his fellow dance students. Yeah, her agent is seriously hit or miss. She needs to seriously get that next album out there, because this movie career doesn’t seem like the way to go. I’m sure JLo could have told her it’s good to have the pop hits to fall back on when your movie career tanks.
AND IT NOT LIKE YOU CAN SEE A PRETTY FACE IN THE DARK
It’s been awhile since there have been any celebrity sightings and the best we’ve done is Ken Burns looking like a 12-year-old in a suit on 54th St and 6Th Avenue and Elias Koteas in front of me in line at the Food Emporium. I was very tempted to ask him what it was like to bone Heather Graham. It can’t be too good, because no one ever really does it for long. Not Adam Ant, not James Woods, not Ed Burns, not director Chris Weitz and I’m sure Josh Lucas will get tired of it any minute now (especially after having been with Salma Hayek before this, which is like going from a hot fudge sundae to a plain vanilla cone). How annoying is this girl that seeing her naked regularly still isn’t worth it? Tyra Banks once said that every many she dated had dumped her, which means they’re part of the same club. Sigh. Hot, but annoying as hell. And you actually thought God was a man. No man would ever do that. But a woman, well, she’d think that was funny as hell.
NO, STRAVINSKY CANNOT SUE
So the second wave of mid-season replacements have kicked in, starting with Jake In Progress (get it? A Rake’s Progress?), which was concieved as “24”-style comedy about a guy on one date, but was wisely abandoned, because there was no way you could sustain that for 22 episodes. In fact, that works best as a parody of “24” more than anything. John Stamos---formerly the luckiest man in the world to be married to Rebecca Romijn who was bi-sexual and rumored to bring women home for threeways---is putting those pretty boy looks to good use as a ladykiller entering middle-age and trying to change. It’s a moderately funny sitcom and like any good sitcom, the star sits back and lets the supporting staff do the heavy lifting. The best parts of the show were Rick Hoffman, as a neurotic David Blaine type of magician who decides he and John Stamos are going to be friends (the best line is when he calls Stamos “a member of Menudo”) because Stamos went on a date with his ex-girlfriend, played by Madchen Amick, who is still as beautiful as she was as the abused wife, Shelly, on Twin Peaks. In fact, the one flaw of this show is that, while they fully acknowledge that John Stamos could get any woman he want, but expect us to believe that she would need to set up on a blind date by her sister, Wendy Malick---who is John Stamos’s boss and another good supporting character.
F.Y.I.
The funniest show on TV is no longer Arrested Development. It’s Robot Chicken. I can’t even describe it. It’s only fifteen minutes long so you have no excuse not to watch it. I’m still laughing over the bit where Moses gives unicorns, dragons and other mythical beasts the wrong launch time for the ark and then proceeds to kill the pixies who were onboard. Then there’s “3Fast, 3Furious” where Speed Racer, Batman & Robin, C.H.I.P.s, Super Mario Brothers, The Dukes of Hazzard and a few others all engage in a race organized by Burt Reynolds. Did I mention all of this is stop-motion animation done with those action figure (they’re not dolls!) we had growing up? And that Burt Reynolds does the voice himself? Best part: Spritle and Chim-Chim are about to get into the Mach-5’s trunk before the race---only to find the dismembered body of a blonde already there.
THANK GOD WE’LL NEVER SEE PAMELA ANDERSON HERE
Is it just me or is The “L” Word determined to hire every smoldering, thin, small-breasted, dark-haired woman in Hollywood? I’m not complaining. In fact, I think it’s justice after years of skinny blondes. Not to mention the fact they’re usually naked and having sex with one another.
BUT IN A MOVIE ABOUT BOYS AFRAID OF GIRLS, HE’D RULE
The Star Wars trailer was before Robots so I saw it big. Yeah, it looks like it could be good, but that means jack shit when it comes to George Lucas. The trailers for the second one looked good too and we know how that turned out. He can’t write and he can’t direct and he hinders the editing by not being able to pace for shit. It will suck. It will suck out loud. It’s about the descent of a man into darkness and the misery he brings to all around him. What the fuck does George Lucas know about human emotions or how to depict them that makes you think this will show up anywhere onscreen? Sorry, kids, but you know I’m right.
SOUTHERN PRIDE
Now, if I made a movie where a guy took the deputy’s gun, shot her, killed a judge and three other people, carjacked a guy and took a woman hostage you’d never believe it. I can’t believe he was taken alive. See, this is why I couldn’t be a cop. I would have killed that muthafucka, period.
YOU KNEW ME WHEN
Finally, you sorry sons of bitches (and just plain bitches) better had watched my roommate on Law & Order: Trial By Jury. Personally, I burned out on L&O years ago when they decided every ending had to be a “shock” ending, but I always support my roommate and at least I didn’t have to get up and go anywhere or even put my pants on this time (they seem to frown on my pantslessness in the theater, buncha snobs). She had more scenes than that and hopefully they will turn up on the DVD, along with the trivia that some of the scenes with Bebe Neuwirth (still hot, but you can finally see age in her face) and Lorraine Bracco (that she started off as a model for Gautier and Wilhelmina who turned down Salvador Dali when he wanted her to pose nude doesn’t even seem possible now) talking to the girl on the witness stand were in fact filmed with her standing in when the girl couldn’t come back to shoot those scenes. I look forward to my future as part of my roommate’s entourage. Look for me to shoot a member of Marisa Tomei’s entourage outside of the Today Show when they diss my girl on the air. We from Hell’s Kitchen, bitch, and we don’t play that shit!
3/07/05
“People are no damn good, but they will always need land and will pay through the nose to get it.” --- Lex Luthor in Superman The Movie
HOW CAN HE BE CURSED IF HE WASN’T ON THE COVER OF VANITY FAIR?
The Pacifier opens at number one and there are two kinds of actors who make kid’s films: 1) The confident superstar indulging himself or his kids (Tom Hanks in Toy Story); and 2) the falling actor looking to hit the easy mark (Kathleen Turner in Super Babies). Guess which category Vin Diesel falls into? Yep, someone is looking to halt a slide even faster than his ascension. Well, it seems he chose well, picking his “Kindergarten Cop”(a role that plays his gruff persona for laughs by juxtaposing it against cute kids), and if the rumors are true he’ll soon be swallowing a lot of crow and returning to the movie that made him famous, Fast & The Furious 3 (how long do you think it took for Paul Walker to stop snickering when he heard the news?). But why not just go ahead and remake the Private War of Major Benson again, because that’s all this is, but with an even smaller cast than the Damon Wayans remake, Major Payne? And it’s dwelling on the very bottom ladder of sitcom humor. Why does every movie about a baby have that freaking diaper joke? WE GET IT! SHIT STINKS! And even worse, who are these people that never stop laughing at it? And what are the chances he comes to love his assignment and they come to love him? That’s very important, because it’s this love that makes him come to their rescue in The Pacifier 2 (and you know that will come). The best part of this is that the Vin Diesel ego trip has officially come to an end. If you’ve forgotten, this is the man who told director John Frankenhiemer in the movie Reindeer Games (where Frankenheimer was slumming himself) that he would only show his muscles in a movie where he was the star. You’ll notice Vin Diesel is not in Reindeer Games. Somewhere beyond the grave, Frankenheimer is laughing his ass off. Well, as much as the person who directed Reindeer Games can laugh at anyone.
GET BACK TO WHERE YOU ONCE BELONGED
Be Cool opens at number two and this sequel to Get Shorty is a major disappointment, but is anyone really surprised? It’s ten years later (strike one, because Travolta isn’t getting any thinner), there’s a different screenwriter (strike two, because original screenwriter Scott Frank also wrote Out of Sight and Malice) and different director (strike three, because the original director was Barry Sonnenfeld). It’s like a movie made by someone who loved Get Shorty so much he decided to make one but set in the music business. It’s got a character like Chili Palmer, but totally watered down and without the original’s spark. And the irony is, Leonard only wrote the sequel after the movie came out and it’s actually all about the lameness of sequels. Chili Palmer really isn’t going into the music business, he’s just looking for an idea for a new movie after his sequel fails. I didn’t read the book and from the looks of the film, I’d say I wasn’t the only one, just the only one who didn’t get paid to not read it. And while the casting of the first was letter perfect, this one stumbles quite a bit. Christina Milan is very cute, but otherwise vanilla and in no way believable as a Texas girl. Cedric The Entertainer is 15 years too old to be playing the faux-Suge Knight character he does here and The Rock is simply trying way too hard. Vince Vaughn’s faux Black thing is funny in very small doses, so you can imagine how tiresome if became after almost two hours of it and the director does Vaughn, himself and the movie no favors by not leaving most of it on the cutting room floor. Andre 3000 from Outkast does generate some laughs, but when your biggest joke is the fact Chili was once on Larry King with Ariel Sharon, you’re in serious trouble. It’s so lame they have to trot out Danny Devito twice to remind us how good the first film was. And if you’re looking for the Travolta dance scene, the otherwise lethargic nature of the film makes sure it’s even less interesting than that shit he did in Michael, not to mention it feels like they just stopped the film to have The Dance Scene and show the already over-exposed Black Eyed Peas. The funny thing is, the music business really is filled with the mob, so the fact that Chili justifiably knows everyone from his days with organized crime is totally under-utilized. And the use of former Scorsese alum Harvey Keitel is totally wasted. Uma Thurman still looks good in a bikini (with an Aerosmith tattoo on her tailbone), but that’s the most memorable thing about her in this for me. She’s much better dark, either as junkie or a revenge inspired killing machine, but I’m not remotely buying her as a mobster’s wife who is also a music producer.
BLACK VS. NEGRO
Hitch is down to number three, followed by Diary of a Mad Black Woman and this is a nice juxtaposition (this week’s word). Both are signs of Black success in movies in America but two completely different types. Hitch is mainstream success, playing in every mall in America and totally resists any types of cultural stereotypes, but in doing so takes out almost all the culture, which isn’t so great. This movie is so non-ethnic, you could replace Will Smith and Eva Mendes with Ryan Reynolds and Reese Witherspoon and still have the same movie. I mean, different cultures are what bring the flavor to New York City and taking them out kind of defeats the purpose in having a Black guy dating a Latina, but I’d rather not have them than have the kind of shit going on in Diary of a Mad Black Woman and it’s driving me crazy how certain people are so proud of this. BET, which is the epitome of the kind of one-step forward, two steps backward success, can’t stop bragging. Yeah, it was great to have a Black cable network, until you saw the kind of shit they were running. A movie opening at number one, written, produced, starring, and directed by Black people and obviously very supported by the Black community (well, certain parts of it anyway) also seems like a good thing, but then you see the kind of sub-standard, writing, producing and directing involved and you wonder if wouldn’t be better off just being the Black partner who dies in the first five minutes. You think Will Smith is going to working for Tyler Perry anytime soon? You think any cast member of Diary of a Mad Black Woman wouldn’t give up their soul to be in Hitch rather than that? And yes, there’s gonna be a sequel. But to put things in perspective, Damon Dash’s so-bad-it-looks-like-a-home-movie gangsta story, State Property (starring Damon Dash, Bugsy Seigel and Jay-Z) will also have a sequel.
HARDLY MAKING THE WORLD SAFE FOR ROCKY VI
Million Dollar Baby bumps up one whole notch to number five thanks to its Oscar wins and I’m sure the producers were hoping for a little more (remember what I said about The Aviator and see how right I was?) than that and if I never see another story about how this has inspired women to box, it’ll be too soon.
THIS IS WHY THEY DISTINGUISH AN ANGEL OF MERCY FROM THE REST
Constantine is down to number six and running neck-and-neck with Satan for best part in this movie is Tilda Swinton as the archangel, Gabriel. The best movies with angels are the ones that show them as the unforgiving bastards they were in the Old Testament and this is no exception, but there’s something unbelievably cool about seeing Tilda Swinton with wings in a Helmut Lang suit. Tilda Swinton is in two of my favorite seriously artsy-fartsy movies. The first is Orlando, where she plays an immortal English nobleman who switches genders at one point in his centuries long life. The second is Female Perversions, which is based on a non-fiction book suggesting that female perversions are in fact a reaction to the patriarchy and not true “perversions” at all. The film shows these “perversions” as the protagonist’s obsessions with societies definitions of femininity (i.e., clothing, make-up, sex). Whatever, it’s an amazing film and I saw it years ago with The Otter Queen. But my favorite movie about angels has to be The Prophecy, where Christopher Walken also played the angel Gabriel with an appearance by Viggio Mortenson as Satan (who is also an angel if you recall).
AND I’LL BET THE CARPET DOESN’T MATCH THE DRAPES ON ANY OF THEM
Cursed is down to number seven and also in this is Portia DeRossi, who must be seriously attracted to humor to be dating Ellen DeGeneres. Or, Ellen is just proving that if you’re rich and famous, you can get hot chicks that would otherwise be unavailable to you. And Portia DeRossi is hot. She’s hot on Arrested Development and that’s not even the role she’s playing. She’s just giving it off in as casual, “I don’t give a shit,” way. It’s funny, she Gwen Stefani and Drea DeMatteo look like sisters, which must be why I like them all. Funnier still is that Drea is the youngest but looks the opposite.
WARNING SIGNS
Man of the House is down to number eight and this gives Christina Milan and Cedric The Entertainer their second bad film in the top ten. They should realize that if they both want to do the same film, if must be bad. Hell, if they want to do virtually any film.
PHONING IT IN
Because of Winn Dixie is down to number nine and this was directed by Wayne Wang, who was supposed to be somebody back in the 80’s when Chan is Missing and Dim Sum came out, but seemingly became your typical hack director, proving that minorities are just as capable of turning out dreck like this and Maid in Manhattan as any White person. Actually, it seems he’s just whoring himself on the big studio stuff, so he just phones it in and instead saves it for his indie films like Chinese Box (which I loved) and Center of the World.
SHE’S GOT TO BE SOMEBODY’S BABY
Finally, the latest horror-thon continues with The Jacket opening at number ten. Adrian Brody, who seems determined never to be in a happy film again in his life (that 7-Up commercial where he’s bouncing along seems to be the closest he’s going to get) stars as a tortured Gulf War vet and wasn’t this already made once as Jacob’s Ladder? Hope it has a better and less-obvious ending, but I doubt it. Directors always think they’re breaking new ground by suddenly “revealing” that the lead character is actually dead. Well, duh. I got that when you kept having them barefoot and wearing white. Keira Knightley must be glad she’s in the Caribbean filming Pirates of the Caribbean 2 now. But is there really enough room in the world for both her and Winona Ryder? I mean her and Natalie Portman, but you can understand my mistake. She is the result of a cloning experiment using Natalie Portman and Winona Ryder. You could plug her into the Natalie Portman role in Closer and not only does the film not change, but it may become better. Also in this is Jennifer Jason Leigh and wasn’t she going to be one of the great character actresses of her generation? What the fuck happened? Yeah, I know she’s crazy, so she’s not exactly acting half the time when she shows up in supporting roles as the crazy friend/sister, but she’s obviously sane enough to keep finding work. And believe it or not kids, but the little virgin from Fast Times At Ridgemont High is now 43. Yep. Everyone can’t be Diane Lane it seems.
LIKE LEX LUTHOR SAID, “LAND.”
My two weeks of being sick is finally over. After a week of having a cold, I spent my second week puking literally every day. It was so bad that even water made me vomit. Fucking water! What made it really fun is that I started a new temp gig and vomited twice while at work, the first time unnoticed in the freaking hallway. How? Well, 99% stayed in my mouth and after depositing that in a trash bag and disposing of it in the bathroom, I was able to discreetly clean up the one percent that escaped. Luckily, I hadn’t eaten in days, so it was just water and orange juice. My latest temp gig is at Douglas Elliman. Yes, the real estate firm, though technically it’s now Prudential Douglas Elliman. Come on, we all know Douglas Elliman from their full-color brochures in the New York Times where they show you incredible apartments in New York that you’ll never be able to afford. It’s essentially real estate porn. We look at it and get our selves off on what it would be like to have what’s in the photo. Working there has reminded me of just how fucking nice it is to be rich. I’m organizing files and I’m leaning there are a lot fucking rich people in this city. Hell, almost every woman coming to work in the place does so in a fur coat. I get to see financial statements and it’s amazing to me that someone could be worth almost half a billion dollars and be completely unknown. And I’m not just in the office, I’m in the same department as the top broker at the firm, which makes her the top broker in the city and maybe the world (oddly the offices are not impressive, but it makes sense they would be the last people to waste money on real estate, especially when they are rarely there). She completed the single most expensive apartment sale in New York City history at the Time Warner Center at Columbus Circle. It’s somehow not right that I’ve actually seen that paperwork and know not just the cost, but her commission as well. But I’m not going to tell you that anymore than I am the numbers of the Bruce Willis sale she did or Woody Allen’s real estate dealings, but it’s fun to know (I cannot believe he as that much fucking money, even after thirty years of movie making). It’s also sad realizing it’s never gonna be mine unless I, a) turn to crime, b) marry rich, or c) get off my ass. They all sit on the same level of probability. But I could never be a real estate broker. It’s like being an actor: the top 5% make 95% of the money and the rest are fighting it out for loose change in the car seat. I’d rather be an actor, because at least then you still get fringe benefits like easy sex from very attractive people. Real estate people? Not so much, but looks do matter as I see the female brokers tittering about in tight skirts and high heels and yes, that includes Miss Number One Broker, who’s married (to another broker, naturally) and someone’s mom. What’s really strange is that if you look at this stuff long enough your perspective gets so skewed that you start thinking things like, “Only $5.2M for this property in Bridgehampton? Why, it’s a steal.” Like I’m just going to make some phone calls and snap it up. Sigh.
TWO THINGS
Okay, two things. First, though I know it seems that I spend most of my time on my ass---okay, fine, so that’s accurate. Nonetheless, I did get off it long enough to build this for my dealer: www.stmarkscomics.com. It’s a work in progress, so what you see today may be changed tomorrow and hopefully for the better. See how neat that stuff is? Now you know why I have to keep giving him my money. Second, my roommate is real and is an actress and this week will be on Law & Order: Trial By Jury. Friday at ten o’clock, so set your TIVO.