5/30/05 “I wish it, I command it. Let my will take the place of reason.” ---
Juvenal
THE RESPIRATOR MADE HIM A MAN
Star Wars Episode III Revenge
of the Sith holds at number one and if you don’t believe that too much sun is bad for you, just look at what it does to Obi Wan Kenobi in the 20 years between Revenge of the Sith and A New Hope (man, these titles Lucas comes up with are lame). It also seems to have fried his memory cells as he remembers neither R2D2 or C3PO who were with him during the most memorable part of his life. He even says so. Or, it could just be that Lucas seriously fucked up and is out of his mind when he wants you to watch these films in chronological order? I swear, he didn’t even bother to re-watch the original films before he made this shit. They’re hiding Luke so they stick him with Anakin’s only living fucking relative. Yeah, that’s a bang-up job. And god forbid that Obi-Wan do something silly like TRAIN
LUKE FROM BIRTH TO BE A JEDI! Especially when we learn from the first film that they must start young. And he’s so untalented even with Steven Spielberg helping him set up action scenes and fucking Tom Stoppard doing uncredited rewrites, it’s still horribly written and poorly directed. He’s so lame, he negates the talents of others! But it’s not so much Lucas as Tom Stoppard taking a shot at the Bush Administration (Stoppard is a long time member of Amnesty International). Lucas lacks the skill and the balls to draw out the similarities between the president and Darth Siddious who ascends to power based on a war that he brings into existence. And it doesn’t get obvious than when Natalie Portman says, “So this is how democracy dies, to thunderous applause.” I don’t really need politics in my science fiction fantasy movies and if it has to be there, I prefer a little more subtlety. That said, the performance of Ian McDiadmid is the best thing about the movie, period. He alone manages to overcome the turgid nature of both Lucas’s
dialogue and direction and create a truly scary villain. You can actually
see for the first time why this is the one guy who Darth Vader could work
for. And if you want to know where Luke Skywalker gets his whiny voice, look
no further than his dad. Hayden Christensen did little more than pout and
whine through his last film and gets no better here. All we needed was a
voice-cracking complaint about how he was going to Toshi station to pick
up some power converters and it would have been complete.
JUST TRYING TO HELP YOU OUT
Madagascar opens at number
two and I’m going to save those of you without kids a little money (those of you with children have no choice but to see this, so let’s not pretend) and give you the two best jokes in the movie: at one point a group of lemurs is meeting and becoming hysterical at the prospect of being eaten and in the middle of this frenzy one holds up a book that reads “To Serve Lemur” and screams, “It’s a cookbook! It’s a cookbook!” Number two: there are two chimps, one with an English accent and one who doesn’t speak and when they escape, the former points out now they can now see Thomas Wolfe speak at Lincoln Center. The other makes hand signals to which the first replies, “Well of course we’re going to throw poo at him.” That’s it. I’m serious. Otherwise, this blows. Like all the Dreamworks animation it’s soulless material that depends almost solely on slapstick pratfalls (even animated, Ben Stiller continues his theater of pain) and pop culture references (there’s a Planet of the Apes joke that sadly falls flat). The humor rarely stands on its on. In this case, those rare upright jokes are all the penguin militia (who are offscreen far too much) and the party happy lemurs. How in the world they can go without making the most of their initial New York setting is beyond me (they touch on it once, when the police horse speaks just like a New York cop, with the same attitude). And there’s no subtext. Don’t kid yourselves, all the great Disney animation is dripping with subtext, which is why their films continue to resonate and shit like this just sinks. The sad thing is, there’s potential, because the film is about four pampered zoo animals who find themselves back in the wild and the more in touch with the wild the lion becomes, the more the lives of his friends become in jeopardy. There’s something here are about moving on means leaving some relationships behind, but these hacks are not the people to explore it. The fact that none of the pampered zoo animals, not even the non-predators, have a place in the wild isn’t examined until literally a thirty second sequence near the end of the movie , which shows the actual kill-or-be-killed aspects of nature. And it’s totally lacking a climax, choosing to just stop and say, “It’s been 90 minutes. Let’s
end it here.”
PEOPLE DON’T KILL PEOPLE; BAD
REMAKES KILL PEOPLE
How lame is the remake of The
Longest Yard, opening at number three? Eddie Albert dropped dead the day
it was released. That’s how lame it is. After surviving 99 years, he decided he couldn’t live in a world where someone like Adam Sandler could fill the shoes once occupied by Burt Reynolds. Ironically enough, in trying to play, of all things, a professional football player, Sandler is forced to give up the persona that has made him rich and famous: the angry, manchild, and so isn’t nearly as annoying. But there’s no way in hell you can buy him as a former pro quarterback. Both Ryan “Van Wilder” Reynolds and Sean William “American Pie” Scott possess the physique and comic timing needed for the role, but none come with the guaranteed following of Sandler, especially teamed up with his old Saturday Night Live castmate, Chris Rock. Burt Reynolds must have had an odd feeling of satisfaction while watching this, knowing that this film would do nothing more than cement his legacy in comparison to the original and he still got paid for it (some of his original castmates are also along for the ride for probably the same reasons). One thing that actually surprised me was that Caretaker still dies in the same horrible fashion, even though he’s played by a star (Chris Rock). I thought for sure they’d wimp out on this piece of 70’s grittiness but they did not and it’s actually one of the few times they would have been better off not adhering to the original film as it’s totally out of place with the tone of this one. In the end, the best part of the film for me was Courtney Cox’s cameo. Post-baby and post-Friends, she’s
gained some weight and it looks good on her. Also, she has her freckles on
a rare, full display with some serious (albeit fake) cleavage.
ATONEMENT
Monster In Law is down to number
four and Jane Fonda is atoning someone for her behavior in Vietnam by doing
her part to destroy the myth of the French lover. Apparently, Roger Vadim
was quite the asshole, preying on her insecurities and getting her to into
threesomes and orgies, but she’d actually wind up bonding with the girls in the morning. Apparently Vadim subscribed to the concept of, if there has to be conversation, he didn’t want to be involved (actually he hated that they’d bond too, probably because they were talking about how he couldn’t
satisfy one woman, much less two).
THE GUY YOU SEE ALL THE TIME
Kicking & Screaming is down two notches to number five, followed by Crash at number six and also in this is William Fitchner who is also the prison guard captain in The Longest Yard this week and if you don’t think you know him, you do. He’s the guy you call when you either can’t afford Christopher Walken or feel he’s too old. There’s no role he’s ever played that you can’t
see Walken doing it and probably doing it better. Probably his most well-known
roles are the asshole lead astronaut in Armageddon, the guy who makes the
mistake of betraying Robert DeNiro in Heat and the blind scientist alongside
Jodie Foster in Contact. But my favorite role was the maybe-gay police officer
and Amway pusher in Go (where he was with Walken imitator supreme, Jay Mohr),
which never found the audience it deserved, because it still holds up to
repeated viewings. And yes, Taye Diggs is in it too.
THERE’S ARTISTIC INTEGRITY
AND JUST BEING PLAIN STUPID
The Interpreter is actually
rises to one notch to number eight, followed by Kingdom of Heaven at number
nine and Orlando Bloom gained 20 pounds of muscle for this film, but before
you girls (and boys) rush out to see it now, know that you never see it.
He’s covered
from head-to-toe for the entire film and Scott cut the sex scene. Such a
moron. If you insist on making such stupid mistakes while simultaneously
ignoring proper pacing in your stories, I have no sympathy for you. Every
time a director cuts a sex scene with a good-looking man, he denies a teenage
boy getting to an extra base. Had Orlando shown his new pecs, six and god
forbid his ass, this movie would have made more money once word got out that
it could get you to second base.
BALLAD OF THE GOOD LOOKING ASS BANDIT
Finally, a mea culpa. I’m informed by The Man Who Is Not My Gay Boyfriend (I just likes him is all) that House of Wax was, in fact, rated “R.” But I was right in that there’s no gratuitous nudity, which he was looking for from the WB Boy-Of-The-Moment, Chad Michael Murray, who is set apart from all the other pretty boys by a look of pain and confusion on his face, which is like so much catnip to girls (and obviously, boys). James Dean proved this fifty years ago. I actually knew a guy in high school named “D.T.” who pretty much fucked every girl in our high school, but you’d never know by the pained and confused look on his face. “I’m getting so much ass from so many girls, but I’m still not happy and I don’t know why.” Yes,
we killed him.
THE WORLD OF SUZIE WONG HAS CHANGED
This is my experience with
Asian-American female directors over the last three months. First was Face,
the story of three generations of Asian women in Queens. The title comes
from the concept of “face” which in the Chinese culture is pride and respect
and losing it can be worse than death for some people. The mother feels
she loses face first when her daughter essentially abandons her granddaughter
to her to raise, and then when her hip-hop loving granddaughter takes up
with a Black guy. Next came Red Doors, which was about an Asian American
family in suburban New York. Not too heavy on the Asian cultural aspects,
it was more about a typical neurotic family with three sisters who just
happened to be Asian. The title comes from the Chinese belief that red
is a good luck color and to have red doors means to invite the luck in.
No daughter dates a Black guy, but is a doctor who is a lesbian, which
mom isn’t thrilled with, but accepts in the end. Finally this weekend
I saw Saving Face, where Joan Chen is a 48-year old Chinese widow from
Queens, forced to move in with her assimilated lesbian doctor daughter
in Manhattan when her own father throws her out for getting pregnant and
refusing to name the father. So we’ve got “face” (again), Queens (again),
generational conflict between mother and daughter (again) and lesbian doctor
daughters and their hot girlfriends (again). Apparently, these are all
things in the “How To Be An Asian American Film Director” handbook. This
was the best of the three because it was simply, flat-out the best written,
and in the end, that’s what it comes down to. But it didn’t hurt to also
have the biggest budget (but you’d have more money too if Will Smith was
one of your producers and I wonder how one-time co-star Bai Ling feels
about not getting any help for her film, Face). All three films were filmed
in New York, but this one has scenes in the subway and at JFK, not to mention
the biggest star with Joan Chen, who is still far too hot to be playing
someone’s mom, but she actually is 44 (proving once again, that the one
of the advantage s people of color have over our White oppressors is that
we don’t age like you people). In fact, Joan Chen’s wonderful performance
(where she speaks literally one word of English throughout the entire film)
only accentuates that both the lead and her love interest, while very pretty,
were lacking a little depth in the acting department. This is why Sandra
Oh keeps getting work despite being fugly, she’s a good actress. But they
get points for going that extra mile and doing an actual sex scene with
nudity---even though it makes a later scene where they lay in bed with
the sheets up to their armpits all the more strange. And there’s common
mistake of most indie films, where every single apartment is so neat and
clean you’d think they all had maid. Not to mention the constantly perfect
make up. Another obvious indie “trying too hard” flaw. There’s also the
clichéd “Black
Best Friend” but since I’m living that, I can’t complain too much.
But there’s a fun moment when the film takes a small shot at its big budget
predecessors. When Joan Chen goes into a Manhattan video store and asks
for Chinese movies (all in Chinese, so the only word the clerk understands
is “Chinese”) she finds only Hollywod films about Asians, like The Joy
Luck Club and Chen’s own film, The Last Emperor. The payoff of the joke
is that Asian-themed porn is also in the section and that’s
what Joan ultimately chooses to take home.
REVENGE OF THE GEEK
Speaking of Bai Ling, she was
actually in Revenge of the Sith but her role was cut. She says it was because
she posed for Playboy, but Lucas says it was done last year. Given how
fucking overlong the film is, I’m going to go with her reasoning, because we all know how afraid Lucas is of girls, especially their icky, scary parts. The layouts are nice, but thanks to the internet I no longer have to buy their occasional “ethnic” issue,
where some beauty of color actually gets the cover. And this is the first
time Bai Ling has looked good to me (despite showing that no culture seems
to like pubic hair any more) since she lost all that weight she had in The
Crow. Now, she kinda looks like some alien creature, so elfin with those
pointy teeth. She probably played an alien in Star Wars without the need
for make-up. And hey, dig those nipples. Nothing like a good pencil eraser
for me.
“IN THE NAVY…”
I can see now that having a
decent bar right near my home is going to be a problem. I wound up there
last week with Around The Way Girl who, since entering business school,
has developed into somewhat a drinker, because that’s where a lot of business is done. She’d been drinking since 5:00 when I was summoned to join her. The goal was to ease her down so she could go to sleep rather than passing out, but ultimately ended up with me coming to (different from “waking up”) in my bed around 7:00 am naked from the waist down with all the lights still on. I blame her for this. Her and the bartender who shares their evil Standard Pretty Girl Name, which has haunted me since I was ten years old (she was evil in how she kept giving me vodka simply because asked and paid her for it). However, the bartender was not so pretty. And she also shot me the most evil of glances when I asked if the was the owners wife, informing me that she was, but also a quarter owner. We also made the acquaintance of a couple of sailors who also had enjoyed the floor show of two drunk white women throwing themselves at some Black guy in camouflage pants. Of course one of the girls had thrown herself at pretty much everything with a penis and when even sailors are turning you down, you know you’re pathetic. In any case, we got to hear where in the world they loved the most and a why they joined up and the latter answer was always, “To get the hell out of my small town.” The sailors actually left before we did, which is also never a good sign. The next day at work was not pleasant. One day I will learn not to drink orange juice hungover. Citric acid is not your friend. And maybe it was because I was hungover or maybe it was because I had nothing better to do this weekend, but when Movie Buddy ’98 called me up and asked me to babysit her dog again, I agreed. Yes, I wound up back downtown with the dog and once again I learned something about my ability to give. Last time the dog taught me there wasn’t enough love in me for either a wife or child. This time, however, by shitting in the house three times in three days, despite doing it outside as well, I realize that when the time comes, mom and dad are going into a home. Sorry, but I’m not diapering or wiping my parents. I love you mom. I love you dad. And I love you so much I’m going to go into debt to get you into the finest nursing home money can buy, but I’m
not dealing with soiled sheets.
OH WHERE WILL WE FIND OUR FINE ENGLISH COSTUME DRAMA NOW?
So not only did Eddie Albert die, but king of lovely arthouse film, Ismail Merchant of Merchant Ivory was also taken. Not to mention the voice of Tony The Tiger, and Howard Morris, who played Ernest T. Bass on The Andy Griffith Show.
YOU NEVER KNOW HOW CLASSY YOU ARE UNTIL YOU GO TO STATEN ISLAND
So, I found myself watching
one of the MTV shows about couples getting married and I was transfixed
like I was watching a car wreck. It was only the last half hour, but that
was almost too much. This guido supreme couple from Staten Island were
getting married and they were so crass, so lacking in anything even remotely
dignified, I cannot believe they weren’t Black. I’m just not used to someone being even more embarrassing on TV than my own people. She was grotesque with her fake lips, fake boobs and leathery “can’t stop tanning” skin. But best of all was when the limo didn’t show up for him and he went ballistic on the driver, swearing to find him and cut him, saying “fuck” about 362 times in the process. It was amazing. And sadly proving that you shouldn’t pay attention to stereotypes, there was also a gay couple totally and utterly lacking in any taste. They were as trashy as the guidos. There was a third couple, but only memorable because she was in her early 20’s and obviously in it for the money (named “Bru” WTF?) and he was at least a decade older and enthralled by this freaking child---that he'll trade in for a younger model in ten years. They’re
both getting what they deserve.
5/23/05 AND DID I MENTION GEORGE LUCAS SUCKS?
Obviously, it’s no surprise that
Star Wars: Revenge of the Sith opens at number one and if you haven’t seen
it, skip this section because spoilers abound as I simply don’t care about
this PIECE OF SHIT! Sorry, but the best thing about this is that it’s finally
fucking over. Over! Now George Lucas can drift off into the well-deserved
obscurity meant for him over twenty years ago. Yes, it’s better than the
previous two chapters, but you know what? The smell of piss is less offensive
than the smell of shit, so what’s your point? As always, George Lucas’s
listless direction and inability to write even a postcard cripples the
execution of his genuinely imaginative concepts. And Lucas did himself
no favors by allowing actual talented people to create The Clone Wars animated
series, because after seeing the characters in action there, you wonder
who the hell these people are, especially the villains. Picking up right
where the Clone Wars series ends, Anakin and Obi-Wan are off to rescue
the Chancellor from General Grievous (which is a great, great name for
a character, I must admit). On the series, Grievous is the badass predecessor
to Darth Vader (a few human organs in a robot shell with a cape) that Darth
Maul never was. Grievous is seen slaughtering Jedi in freaking groups he’s
so fucking bad. And Count Dooku is his master. But in this movie, Dooku
is headless within the first 20 minutes in a light saber battle crippled
by Lucas’s inability to direct! In fact, this cripples all the action
scenes. Minutes later, when Anakin and Obi-Wan confront Grievous on the
ship with his guards we’re treated to yet another low energy action scene
that should have been off the charts (the first is the opening space battle).
Suddenly, I have new respect for such schlockmeisters as Michael Bay who,
if nothing else, knows how to put energy in an action scene. Because while
he certainly has a great imagination, Lucas lacks all else. His is a Frankenstein
with no thunderstorm to bring it to life. So on top of lame fight scene
after lame fight scene, we’re treated to Lucas’s specialty: bad, bad dialogue
and crippling lack of direction to his actors who have to struggle with
it. Not good when your entire movie rests on the emotions of your main
character in relation to his love. Lucas actually creates a good reason
for Anakin’s complete turn to the dark side. He has a premonition that
Natalie Portman will die in childbirth. The Jedi response? Suck it up.
She’s going to a better place. Now, what should have happened is she dies
and he blames the Jedi for it and turns to the dark side. But what Lucas
has happen is an incredibly contrived “moment of truth” (which comes after
an actually interesting light saber battle between Samuel L. Jackson and
the Chancellor a.k.a., Darth Siddious) and is totally ridiculous. Anakin
chooses to help the Chancellor kill Samuel L. Jackson not simply for his
wife, but because killing the defeated Chancellor will be a violation of
Jedi rules----suddenly forgetting that he himself violated the Jedi rules
and cutting off Count Dooku’s head after defeating him. This is the epitome
of bad writing when characters do what they need to in order to meet your
ends, totally contradicting how their previously defined characters would
behave (example: When Harry Met Sally where Meg Ryan, who is depicted as
nothing but conservative suddenly starts moaning at the top of her lungs
in a restaurant, something her character would. never. do.). Because Lucas
is so inept at what he does, I felt nothing watching the Jedi get slaughtered,
even when Anakin kills the Jedi children. I only perked up again during
the climatic double duels when Yoda takes on The Chancellor/Darth Siddious
and Obi-Wan takes on Anakin Skywalker. Of course, the fact that Yoda doesn’t
win makes no sense in light of Samuel L. Jackson defeat of Darth Siddious
earlier. Yeah, I know I’m talkin’ ‘bout Shaft, but Yoda is supposed to
be even an higher Jedi, so his failure exists only because it has to in
order for the story to continue (better writer would have had their battle
interrupted before Yoda could kill him). And of course, Obi-Wan cripples
Anakin Skywalker and leaves him for dead so he can be rebuilt as Darth
Vader. The epitome of how far Lucas has fallen since the first movie can
be seen in Darth Vader’s reaction to Darth Siddious’s lie that Anakin himself
killed Natalie Portman. When Luke finds Uncle Owen & Aunt Beru dead, they
contemplated him yelling, “Noooooooo!” but Lucas vetoed it because it was
too cheesey and reminding him of Snoopy yelling, “Curse you, Red Baron.” Guess
what Darth Vader yells out? Yes. Search your feelings. You know this cheese
to be true. I went with a friend of mine and her son because she wanted him
learn in the ways of being a geekfrom the king (become my padawan, if you
will). At first he said he liked it, but when I took it apart he decided
he only liked parts of it after all, even though his mom loved it. Yes,
young one, feel the power of the dark side...
MARIA CONCHITO ALONSO UNDERSTANDS YOUR PAIN
Monster In Law is down to number
two and how long is JLo going to be able to hold on to her Nuyorican fanbase
while continuing to play characters names “Cantalini” who marry WASPs? I know there’s commitment to seeing one of “your own” made good (Debra Messing dragged out Jewish pride to try and justify her working with the odious Woody Allen who no longer helps anyone’s career), but is that the real reason she keeps marrying these lesser lights, like Marc Anthony (real name Marco Antonio Muniz)? To prove how “down” she was by marrying one of the ugliest Puerto Ricans she could find? This way, whenever anyone criticizes her, she can hold his corpse-looking ass up and say, “Hey, I always marry my own, now shut up while I go get paid to kiss Mr. Mayonnaise all day.” And I personally can’t criticize her too much for playing Italians, given how long Italian actors have made a living playing Latinos. She can play Sophia Loren for all I care. But given that this has struggled, while Hitch grossed $178M domestically and $354M globally, how long before Eva Mendes starts being the first choice to be cast across from Pretty White Boys? Not to mention, Eva will take her top off (and yea, the lord saw that it was gooooood). Not that JLo hasn’t
done it, but U-Turn was so disgusting it simply was not worth it.
THE SON ALSO SINKS
Kicking & Screaming is down to number three and this was directed by Jesse Dylan, son of Bob. No, I’m not kidding. So now he’s got two untalented sons to embarrass the shit out of him (though I’ll always like “6th Avenue Heartache”). And this one doesn’t even have the excuse of being compared to his father. He’s
failing totally on his own.
INVESTOR = SUCKER
Crash actually rises to number
four and for an indie film in less than 2,000 theaters, is actually doing
pretty well. Well, it would if it hadn’t cost fucking $40M. What kind of shit is that? How much could it really have cost to have Tony Danza? And the majority of the cast (Don Cheadle, Brendan Fraser, Terrence Howard) have been down the indie route before, so they know not to ask for money. If this is what it cost to have Sandra Bullock in it, then it defeats the purpose of having her there. Had this been your typical indie release ($15-20M budget) it would already be approaching profitability. Now, it’s gonna have to do over a $100M and that’s
simply not going to happen.
MORE FREE HISTORY LESSONS
Unleashed is down to number
five, followed by Kingdom of Heaven at number six and another interesting
fact is the character of Tiberius that Jeremy Irons plays so well that
you hate to see him leave, was based on a real knight, Raymond of Tripoli
who was friendly with Saladin and the Muslims, but unlike the film where
he refuses to fight a useless battle, in reality he reluctantly joined
into the battle at Hattin (where the Crusader knights stupidly fought a
battle with no water sources), but managed to escape alive. And while this
film has only grossed $41M here, it’s done more than twice that overseas.
THE NAKED & THE DEAD
House of Wax is down to number
seven and how dumb are you to cast the two best-looking actors in the film
(Chad Michael Murray and the ass-less yet lovely, Elisha Cuthbert) as brother
and sister? Yeah, casting wise it does work, but not when your audience
wants to see them hook up more than anything. And how long must we suffer
the curse of the PG-13 horror movie? Like most evil trends in Hollywood,
this can be traced back to Spielberg. In this case, it was Poltergeist
that strangely managed to get a PG rating despite a scene where a guy rips
his own face off. Not to mention the creation of the PG-13 just for him
and Indiana Jones & The Temple of Doom, because Raider of the Lost Ark to this day, should still be rated “R” for
some of the violence. I pity these kids today, denied gratuitous sex and
nudity, because back when I did do the scary, that was one of the things
we always looked forward to.
ACCEPTANCE
The Interpreter holds at number
eight and I’m just going to let this go. I’m never going to see this movie. Well, not in a theater anyway. I probably won’t rent it either, since it’s almost impossible for me to watch films at home. It’s
gonna have to be on HBO every day for a month so I can see it in bits and
pieces.
HE’S HAD BETTER SEX BEFORE
9:00 AM THAN YOU WILL YOUR WHOLE LIFE
The Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy is down to number nine, followed by Mindhunters still hanging in at number ten and also in this list of B & C list actors is the first Mr. Angelina Jolie, Johnny Lee Miller. Not only did he marry her, but also rumor has it he hooked up with Jennifer Esposito during the making of Dracula 2000, so he may be my hero. But you know he reads the papers with no end of amusement, especially when Angelina was married to Billy Bob. He probably shakes his head and thinks, “Yeah, she’s hot and likes women too, but it’s simply not worth the craziness. Besides, I’ve discovered women with asses.” Supposedly, she tried to get him back after adopting her child, but obviously he wasn’t falling into that trap again. But here’s the kicker: he comes from an acting family and his grandfather was none other than Bernard Lee, better known as the original “M” from the Bond movies. He also has a production company with Jude Law and Ewan McGregor, which unfortunately tends to produce English movies that Ewan McGregor and Jude Law are in (Sky Captain, Existenz) so you know they’re
not making any money.
UNDER PRESSURE
I knew Dave Chapelle was in
trouble the moment he signed that $50M deal with Comedy Central, especially
after toying with ending the show when it was on top and white-hot. Sorry
to see my fears confirmed with his “non-breakdown.” Be careful what you wish for, people. You’d think ten years of working to get to this point, not to mention the stability of a wife and family might have prepared him for it, but no. But it’s comforting to know that if I suddenly became very rich, my eventual self-destruction less than a year later wouldn’t be seen as any great abnormality. Shit, I’m
trying to do it now. I just lack the opportunities and sycophantic support
money would bring.
“GIRL, I DIDN’T HEAR YOU’RE GETTING MARRIED…”
If you need more proof people
like Jennifer Lopez are full of shit about not actually courting the press,
notice how Seal (having the midlife crisis need for a family only Brad
Pitt would understand) and Renee Zellweger both got married to other celebrities
with barely a ripple. And Zellweger’s divorce next year will probably be just as quiet. Sorry, but unlike Seal or Britney Spears, she married someone with their own career who doesn’t need her and probably won’t see her eight months out of every year. This only works now because she’s not working. If she had to go to England for a year to gain 20 pounds, she’d still be single. And I can only hope she had enough of an impact on Damien Rice during their brief courtship to insure heartbreak and thereby his next album. For my own listening pleasure, I need this man heartbroken! Come on! He’s Irish, so he’s
primed for something melancholy to sing about. Somebody pull the trigger!
RIDDLE ME NO MORE!
Frank Gorshin died, which strikes
close to this geek’s heart. Actually, I mistakenly thought he died a few months ago when the IMDB.com posted his picture for his birthday, so I’ve already mourned him in a way. But he was the definitive Riddler. Jim Carrey was a literal joke in comparison. And to show you how cruel Death is being to entertainers, she even took the replacement voice for Fred Flintstone, Henry Corden. He wasn’t’ the
real Fred Flintstone. Alan Reed was the real Fred Flintsone and he died in
1977. And Kylie Minogue has breast cancer!?! Goddamn, Death, how much is
enough? And how does the Dave Matthew Band go unmolested? Not to mention
The Backstreet Boys.
THOUGH THIS MEANS “FRIENDS” SHOULD
HAVE HAD GREAT MUSIC
I’ve made it my business to avoid The O.C. but because I took a nap while watching The Simpsons I unfortunately woke up to it, but just as really good horseshit can make great flowers, playing on this show was “Hide & Seek” by
Imogen Heap, a great song. It makes sense that I would love it since I quickly
discovered she was one half of the group Frou Frou, who m I also like.
FATTY TISSUE
So, in the wake of her weight
loss, Lindsay Lohan’s breasts have disappeared and in the wake of her pregnancy, Britney Spears’s breasts have doubled. Gee, if I was one of those people who insisted, who swore up and down, who ignored a little something called PUBERTY, to maintain they both had breast implants, I guess I’d be FEELING PRETTY FUCKING STUPID RIGHT NOW! So, how fucking stupid do you people feel right now? Pretty fucking stupid, right? Yeah, well you should. And no, I will not watch Britney Spears’s show. If I wanted to watch white trash in action, I’d
have stayed in Georgia. Or moved to New Jersey. Or Staten Island. Or Long
Island. Or Yonkers. Or…
WHAT’S BLACK & WHITE AND READ
ALL OVER?
So, these last few months of
actually commuting to work have returned me to the world of reading again.
I’m talking books-with-no-pictures type of reading. This is very important since I have literally dozens of books I’ve bought and never read (I had many, many more, but got rid of them in the Great Apartment Sale last Fall). Since January, I’ve read “Survival of the Prettiest” which is about socio-biology and how looks do matter and are actually based in biology as much as culture; “By The Sword” a history of dueling where I learned the Three Musketeers were real and compared to some other real swordsmen, even their fictional lives were dull; “About A Boy” and “Bridget Jones’s Diary” after buying them near to when the films came out, but before they got “movie” covers; “Down & Dirty Pictures” which chronicles the rise and fall of indie film over the last 20 years and I can’t believe no one ever beat the living shit out of The Weinstein Brothers, given how they treated people. It’s either proof of how desperate some are to be in the movie business or how artsy-fartsy people are the biggest pussies in the world. Actually, it’s probably a combination of both. Now, I’m reading “Without Apology” by Leah Cohen, whom I’ve mentioned before because years ago, she showed remarkable foresight by refusing to go out with me. Of course, had she done so she probably wouldn’t have two kids and five published books under her belt. I’ve bought all her books (to torture myself for some odd reason) but I never read any of them (my odd way of getting back at her) before now. Probably because this book is about boxing and female anger, two things with which I’m acquainted (especially the latter). The book is about her as much as it is a group of lower-income teenage girls studying boxing in Boston, so it’s a little odd given I know some of the stories behind a few things she reveals about herself. Especially the passage “Still having reoccurring nightmares about some geek who once asked me out. Unfortunately, he’s the close friend of a friend, so I can’t shake him. Thank god he only reads comic books, so he’ll
never know how I feel.”
5/16/05 DUDE, YOUR MOM IS BARBARELLA?
Monster-In-Law opens at number one giving the semblance of success
to two people who desperately need it. Jane Fonda needed a boost coming out
of retirement after 14 years, but somewhere Barbara Streisand is laughing
at her because she chose a much better comeback vehicle in Meet The Parents,
not to mention a much better caliber of co-star. And JLo…whoever is picking her scripts needed to be fired so long ago it’s not even funny (right after The Cell). I thought about seeing this if for no other reason, to see Jane Fonda back on the big screen, but my sworn opposition to Jennifer Lopez movies won out and I kept my money. But apparently you’re going to see her kiss Latin man onscreen around the time you’ll see Ben Stiller kiss a Jew (who looks Jewish), as her leading man is vanilla pretty boy, Michael Vartan. I’m hoping this gives Jane enough of a boost to continue being hired for roles where she plays the mother of whomever. Granted, Blythe Danner (who has played the mother to Teri Polo, Kate Capshaw, Juliette Lewis, Hope Davis, Noah Wylie, Julianne Moore, Lauren Holly, Maura Tierney, Cameron Diaz, Jordana Brewster, Hank Azaria and of course, Gwyneth Paltrow) and Holland Taylor (who has played the mother to Debra Messing, Carla Gugino, Drew Barrymore, Hope Davis, Michele Pfeiffer, Nicole Kidman, Kevin Bacon, Charlie Sheen and Jim Carrey), aren’t going to appreciate the competition, but they can’t do everything. Besides, if you’re an A-list star, you’re
gonna want someone like Jane Fonda playing your mom, not that woman who does
it on TV for fucking Charlie Sheen.
MANCHILD IN THE PROMISED LAND
Kicking & Screaming opens at number two and when are they going to let the Will Ferrell-as-leading-man idea give up the ghost? He’s best as a supporting character or foil, but up front as the lead, his man-child shtick gets old fast. He was fine in Old School playing off Luke Wilson’s straight man and Vince Vaughn’s conniver, and his cameos are usually the best part of any film he’s in (making him the new Phil Hartman), but he simply cannot go it alone. Like Anchorman, this character and this story should have been a subplot to another character to act as lead and straight man. The wacky assistant coach who has issues with the other team because his father is the coach and somehow brings Mike Ditka around. Actually, Mike Ditka is a little too far back. Much funnier and timely would have been Phil Jackson, not to mention his whole “zen” approach to coaching is much riper for humor. Even Pat Riley would have been funnier, standing on the sidelines of a kid’s soccer game in an Armani suit with his hair slicked back. Not to mention, you would have instantly increased your young, male minority attendance (as a Black man I wish I could say this wasn’t true, but alas…). I’m not going to see this until it hits cable because movies about adults and kids only work when the adult in question doesn’t want to be with the kids. Yes, I know it’s an old formula, but that’s because it works, even when as lame an execution as School of Rock with Jack Black. Having someone like Will Ferrell doesn’t work because we know he’s a softy from the beginning. The idea that he turns into a bastard is funny, but I didn’t
see enough of that in the commercial to make it worth my while.
SIGH, I REMEMBER LOOKING FORWARD TO “HARD TARGET”
Unleashed opens at number three and there was a time when I would
be out there seeing any big budget chop socky film to hit the cineplex (my
familiarity with the oeuvre of Jean Clause Van Damme remains a source of
embarrassment) but call it maturity, call it I-Have-No-Job-And-Funds-Are-Scarce,
but I just can’t do it any more. Especially in shit like this that pretends to be some stupid human-interest drama that just happens to have but serious butt-kicking. As much as I would have loved to have seen Jet Li with the choreography of Yuen Wo Ping (it should have happened years ago, but he refused to give up a year of his life for Matrix 2 & 3) I wasn’t about to stomach the story. Morgan Freeman (who apparently is adopting the Samuel L. Jackson philosophy of doing anything anyone anywhere offers you) teaching Jet Li the joys of ice cream. Damn. I almost vomited just writing it down. I’m not surprised Jet Li was into it. Hong Kong films are known for dripping with over-the-top sentimentality. This is also a French production, which means it’s
also pretentious. Nope. Not getting my dollar. Give me lone wolf cops looking
to avenge the deaths of their partners or families any day of the week over
this shit. Gonna have to wait until DVD so I can skip all the silly shit
in between the ass-kicking.
OPEN YOUR HISTORY BOOKS TO CHAPTER 14, CLASS.
Kingdom of Heaven is down to number four and the way you know this
is, in its heart, a big hunk of old-style Hollywood cheese, is that the Arabs
all speak accented English. What makes this silly is that you hear Arabic
being spoken in the background throughout the film, but when the head of
the Muslim army is speaking to his subordinate, for some reason they need
to speak English. And the depiction of Saladin as a noble warrior is pretty
accurate. When Richard The Lionhearted did show up to try and retake Jerusalem
and was injured, Saladin had his own personal doctor see to him and when
Richard lost his horse, Saladin sent him two of own to replace it. There
were even talks to marry Richard’s sister to Saladin’s brother. Geez, just get a room you two. However, in reality the Queen of Jerusalem, Sibylla, didn’t have pretty Orlando Bloom to shack up with happily ever after. In reality, she stayed with her stupid husband, Guy of Lusignan (one of the film’s bad guys who wants a Holy War) until she died during an epidemic along with their daughters. He wound up being favored by Richard The Lionhearted during the next crusade, who tried to have him restored to being King of Jerusalem. Ultimately, he bought Cyprus from Richard (who had conquered it). His family ruled it for the next 300 years. Damn! Don’t you just love the internet!?! It’s
not just about Star Trek and porn, people!
THROW THEM ‘BOWS---INTO THE FACE REAL ACTORS
Crash is down to number five and looking for indie cred is, of
all people, Ludacris. This actually deserves a measure of respect, because
he started off in 2 Fast, 2 Furious and could easily be in any dumb action
movie in order to “get the kids in” but instead he’s doing this and another indie, Hustle & Flow, which was a hit at Sundance. Of course, this comes as no consolation to the actor he deprived of a job. In fact, it makes matters worse. Not only are they losing the big paydays to rappers, but also the smaller work where they could actually show off some skills. It’s a wonder there isn’t a small civil war between Black actors and rappers. It would be something new to terrify White people who actually believe in all that stupid rap war bullshit and don’t
seem to notice these feuds always seem to flare up when someone has an album
to promote.
HOLY WASTED CONDOM IN MY UTILITY BELT
House of Wax is down to number six, followed by The Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy at number seven and the best part of this film is Sam Rockwell who brings an anarchistic spirit the film sorely needed. He demonstrates this again in a short film called “Robin’s Big Date” as a Batman who can’t leave the Boy Wonder to his own devices while out on a date. You can find it here: http://www.redheadedleague.com/films/robin/robin.html 99% of all these “fan films” suck,
but this is a rare exception.
SHE COULD BE BRITNEY TO MY KEVIN
The Interpreter is down to number eight and I know I’m running out of time to see this, but luckily, nothing worth seeing is opening for the next week or two so I’ve got plenty of time. Not to mention, one of my geek girls sent me the gossip that Catherine Keener’s marriage to Dermot Mulroney is falling apart. While that is a sad, sad thing, it could mean I wouldn’t
have to get a job and instead be supported by my movie star wife.
EVEN LAYING DOWN, HE’S STILL A MIDGET NEXT TO HER
XXX: State of the Union and if Samuel L. Jackson is so against
rappers taking acting jobs, just why the hell is he in a movie with two of
them? Oh, that’s right. MONEY TALKS, BULLSHIT WALKS. And also in this film after a weight gain that makes her look like Pam Grier is Nona Gaye. And looking like Pam Grier is not a bad thing. She’s the one who should be remaking Coffey, not Halle Berry. Nona is also 5’10” which makes the fact she once dated Prince even odder than it was when you realize she was just 16 when they started (and on drugs) and he was in his 30’s.
SOMEWHERE GEENA DAVIS IS LAUGHING---OR NOT GIVEN HER OWN CAREER
Mindhunters opens at number one and the train wreck of a career
that is Renny Harlin continues unabated. The thing is, once upon a time there
were directors who specialized in “B” movies and genre films. It was all they did. It was kinda like the minor leagues. You could have a there and still attract a certain kind of Samuel Fuller respect. Money was always bad for these guys because it simply allowed them to indulge their worst instincts, whereas the limited budge of a “B” movie prevented that. The onset of the “big summer film” pretty much pushed every should-be “B” movie
director into the big leagues. Renny Harlin was in his element when he made
Nightmare on Elm Street 4: Dream Warriors. His downfall was getting tens
of millions of dollars to make movies that should have a cost thirty-five
cents. Movies like The Long Kiss Goodnight and Cutthroat Island and now this
piece of crap, which is actually reasonable at $27M with its B and C list
cast (Christian Slater, LL Cool J, Johnny Lee Miller) and one slumming borderline
A-lister (Val Kilmer).
THE TRUE SOURCE OF THE ENGLISH/IRISH WAR: THEY MOCK EACH OTHER’S
ACCENTS
So Layer Cake officially opened this week and on top of what I
said a few weeks ago, this was directed by Matthew Vaughn , who in addition
to dating Claudia Schiffer ,will direct X-Men 3, and believe it or not, this
film actually gives me some degree of hope in the wake of Bryan Singer’s departure. Also, as stylish as he is, he’s less about the camera tricks than Guy Richie (who must be dying that his producer has one of the biggest franchises in Hollywood, while he’s stuck with his dowager wife). Also in this film, apparently building a career on being the hot blonde in a small role, is Seinna Miller (a.k.a., the second coming of Susan George if you’re old enough to know who she was). She’s barely in this the way she was barely in Alfie, so will someone please explain to me why the fuck she was on the cover of Vanity Fair? Oh, that’s right, she’s blonde and she’s fucking Jude Law, whose career is also 80% hype and 20% actual work. And I know it’s just me, but all movies about British gangsters are comedies to me. Sorry, but I just can’t reconcile those accents with actual menace. I just can’t. So know that if you’re ever with me and we’re set upon by English criminals, we’re
dead, because I will not stop laughing at them.
ALICE, I WANT YOU JUST FOR ME (FULL FORCE GET BUSY ONE TIME)
One glaring omission on my recounting of Death’s claims was Ruth
Hussey, who was 93 but died of complications from an appendectomy. She was
best known as the wisecracking photographer in love with Jimmy Stewart in
The Philadelphia Story.
THERE’S A REASON CHASING AMY HAD NO SEQUEL
Finally, because the movies were all sub-standard this week, I
was free to do nothing but walk the annual 9th Avenue Food Festival both
days and become and even fatter bastard, but I realized something. I need
a partner. Of my eating buddies, one is New Orleans (Former Miss Pretty Boy)
and the others were off in Long Island (Young Married Couple), so I had no
one who encourages incredibly risky and needless eating. This is how I previously
not wound up eating roast pig and shark as well in the streets of New York.
Without them, I saw the alligator and the South African sausage, but I did
not indulge. Why? Well, the other point of having a partner is that if it
sucks, you have someone to help you finish it. But Mitchell’s of London is amazing. How food so good can even be associated with England is beyond me. Ned Kelly’s is gone, but apparently Dalton’s either has the same owner or knows a good idea when they see one, because they had the roast pig this year (they also had, standing there, drinking a beer, CHASING AMY, but I said nothing for fear of having that beer wind up on me---along with the barbeque sauce from the ribs I got at the Spanky’s stand). But will the Irish bars please give the fucking music a rest? Okay, you’re
Irish. Does that mean you all have to blare out fucking U2 or Shane MacGowan?
I suppose it could be worse though. It could have been The Corrs.
5/9/05 “A reputation for chastity is necessary to a woman. Chastity itself is also sometimes useful.” ---
Anonymous
NOT TO BE CONFUSED WITH THE JAZZ CRUSADERS AND THEIR HIT “STREET
LIFE”
Kingdom of God opens at number one and like any Ridley Scott film,
this looks amazing. That has never been one of his faults. But like any Ridley
Scott film, the story obviously took a backseat to visuals and that has always
been his greatest fault (and Blade Runner’s story still blows, you fucking film geeks). We start off in the 12th Century with noble Crusader knight Liam Neeson trying to reclaim his son, Orlando Bloom, who apparently inherited his mother’s looks and height. This is where your typical Ridley Scott film’s script goes wrong. Orlando Bloom goes from being the village blacksmith to a guy who fights so well, he survives an ambush where all but two of his father’s hardened Crusader knights dies---after literally five minutes of sword instruction from these knights! A better script would have had this ambush happen after a few weeks of training, but not Ridley Scott. Blacksmith to super-fighter in two minutes, Liam Neeson dead five minutes after that and Orlando now a Baron and knight with his father’s sword. In the next five minutes the boat trip to Jerusalem, where only Orlando survives (without a scratch to that pretty, pretty face, naturally). Two minutes after that he’s not only killed a Muslim in battle, but demonstrated his mercy and sense of justice to the man’s servant (gee, you think that’s going to come back to help him later in the movie?). The only time this is even remotely believable is when the princess falls for him a first sight, as he’s not only the best looking man around, he’s prettier than she is (but Ridley Scott cut their sex scene, because god forbid we have an of that with our violence). This pace is the problem here and was the problem with Gladiator. The story doesn’t unfold the way an epic should. It’s ripped open to get to the good part, which was the confrontation with Joaquin Phoenix in Gladiator and the siege of Jerusalem here. Little or no time is spent examining how, if Orlando Bloom would have simply killed the bad guy and taken his wife (the princess), there would have been no war and Jerusalem would have lived on in peace. Also, the film opens with his wife being buried. She killed herself after the death of their child. Later, when the evil local priest gets in his face about it, he runs him through with a flaming hot sword! The man’s obviously got some issues, but you’d never know it by the calm on that beatific face. Russell Crowe’s Maximus was pretty perfect too, but his own internal fury fed into the role and made him interesting to watch. Not the case here, as how many problems could Orlando Bloom have? Amazing career and gorgeous on-again, off-again girlfriend (Kate Bosworth). He’s got no internal turmoil and it shows. Happy people simply don’t make for interesting actors. Even pretty boy Johnny Depp is weird. But why spend time on giving your perfect knight some flaws or depth, when you can spend time creating computer generated armies by the thousands? We also have no idea how Orlando manages to devise the brilliant defense of the city that saves them all from certain death. Apparently blacksmith training is more thorough than we know. And because Orlando’s character is so perfect, all the other characters are much more interesting than he is. And it doesn’t help that they’re played by such seasoned actors as Liam Neeson, Jeremy Irons, David Thewlis (criminally underused), Brendan Gleeson (his second movie where’s he’s
against the pretty Orlando Bloom). And yes, behind that silver mask, his
face never seen, is Edward Norton.
AMERICAN HOT WAX
House of Wax opens at number two and not seeing this shit isn’t a matter of not doing the scary, so much as not doing the fucking stupid. I could care less that they remade Texas Chainsaw Massacre or Amityville Horror, but it always annoys me when they fuck around with the work of Vincent Price, because those were real horror movies, not just this “watch the dumb teenagers die by anonymous killer” shit. In those movies, the bad guy was fully realized, usually more than the “good guys” they were fighting, who were as dull as dirt and there was always some sadness when the “bad guy” died, usually in the flames of his lair. This looks like your typical slasher movie but with a “twist” if you can all it that. The underrated Waxworks with the Valley Girl herself, Deborah Foreman actually had a twist. First, it was part comedy. Second, each exhibit was actually a portal to the scene itself, where you met your end if you weren’t careful. Also, if you stepped into the 50’s werewolf scene, you stepped into a 50’s B&W movie. See, there was some imagination present there. Not so here and no, I don’t have to see it to know that. Its cast looted from The WB is all the proof I need, not to mention the odious Paris Hilton. Somewhere, some poor actress to trained, studied and suffered is eating Ramen noodles because this heir to $20M took her fucking job (actually she’s in the other room and it’s
really stir fry steak and broccoli).
TO EACH GENERATION, A MONEY HUNGRY OLD LIMEY MUST COME
The Hitchhiker’s Guide To The Galaxy is down to number three and literally phoning in a performance here is Alan Rickman as Marvin, the Paranoid Android. This was a witty label, but totally inaccurate. Marvin was the chronically depressed android, but that really doesn’t
rhyme, does it? Also popping up for a few quick quid is the ubiquitous Bill
Nighy, who is rapidly becoming the new Michael Caine, showing up in every
other movie.
CALLING ON SOME GEEK IN THE THEATER WITH A CAMERA
Crash opens at number four and I really meant to see this, if for
no other reason than Jennifer Esposito’s first nude scene. The sad and wonderful thing is, it’ll be on the internet probably before I’m done writing this. Actually, it’s the only reason I’ll probably ever see this. Sorry, but another character-driven, all-star indie piece is just not what the world needed right now. Especially about life in LA involving race, gender and crime. Sorry, but Grand Canyon hasn’t gotten in better in the passage of time and just to think of it now, almost makes me physically ill with its grandiose pretensions and this certainly leans that way. Going for some indie cred at the twilight of her leading lady career and probably the only reason this thing is in the top ten, is Sandra Bullock. Like Tom Cruise she’s showing how “modest” she is by taking a role in an ensemble, and “stretching” by playing against type as an unlikable person (she’s a bigot here). Well, I can’t tell her she’s wrong. It got him a nomination for Best Supporting Actor, but since what he really wanted to was to “back door” his way into an Oscar win by going that way (whoops, that suggests he’s gay. Guess he’s gonna sue me too.), it was a failure to him. I mean, notice he’s never done it since. She’s also making noise about not doing any more fluffy comedies. Yeah, right. I’m sure your accountant would like to have a few words with you about that. The George Lopez Show (where she’s a producer) ain’t making that much loot. You know what? I’m
never gonna see this. Time to just begin my internet search now.
IF SHE’S TWO DAYS BEFORE RETIREMENT, THEN IT’S A DONE DEAL
Speaking of movies I won’t see, The Interpreter is down to number five but I still do want to see this. I like Nicole Kidman and I luvvvvvs me some Catherine Keener, but since she plays Sean Penn’s partner, I’m a little worried about her not living to see the end. I look at this and foresee her disapproving of Nicole Kidman, warning Penn not to trust her and then wind up being killed either by Kidman or the real bad guy while protecting Kidman, and I simply will not pay to see that. But the king of all pathetically clichéd and utterly useless nice partner deaths goes to ironically, Catherine Keener’s husband, Dermot Mulroney, in Copycat. His death is so needless and contrived, the film essentially dies with him. But occasionally there is the partner who should have died but doesn’t and pretty much does nothing for the rest of the film, like Billy Dee Williams in Nighthawks. I mean, I’m glad he didn’t
die, but given how his pretty face if covered by a bandage for the rest of
the film, just what the hell is the point of having Billy Dee around?
IF AT FIRST YOU DON’T SUCCEED, SHOW A NEGRO
XXX: State of the Union is down to number six and after their poor
opening last week, the producers figured they had nothing to lose and ACTUALLY
PUT ICE CUBE IN THE FUCKING POSTER! I’m still so pissed about that. You’ll never see another star of an action film anywhere not on the poster of his own fucking film. Not to mention wasting Samuel L. Jackson who’s got Star Wars coming up, Xzibit who is very popular with the kids thanks to his Pimp My Ride show on MTV and pretty boy Scott Speedman to get those still not over Felicity. This is the mother of all marketing fuck ups. Four different groups of potential customers all totally lost thanks to an inept marketing department and the fear that someone, somewhere, would actually see this not knowing the fucking lead actor is Black. And what’s worse is, it’s
not the racism of the public that is to blame, but the ASSUMPTION of racism.
But the same producers who hired a minority to begin with are the ones who
ultimately made this decision. They deserve to lose their money.
LE MAL EST CE QUI REND LEURS FEMMES SI CHAUDES
The Amityville Horror is down to number seven, followed by Sahara
at number eight and carving out a living as French Bad Guy is Lambert Wilson,
who was so memorable as The Merovingian in final two Matrix films and not
so much so as Sharon Stone’s husband in Catwoman. Do I have to tell you he’s one of the bad guys here as well? I can’t fault him. I’m sure he probably makes real films in Paris, but goes to Hollywood for a few quick francs letting his accent do all the heavy lifting for whom ugly Americans that’s enough. “He’s
French? Well then he must be evil!”
THE END
A Lot Like Love is down to number nine, followed by Fever Pitch closing out the top ten at number ten, but they will be on video next week should you need to see them.
CLAPTON DIDN’T HAVE TO GO THROUGH THIS
A few weeks ago there was an article about all those guitar instructors
whose flyers you see posted in every deli and mom & pop store in Manhattan. Well, my guitar instructor was one of those guys. His name was Jon and he looked a lot like Hugh Grant. In fact, the resemblance was disturbing for me as a Hugh Grant fan. The article was dead on about how they have this kind of Zen Master thing going on about music. In fact, I used to refer to him as my “other” therapist. They talk about how important “the music” is in your life, chide you for not taking it seriously and make you pay for lessons you miss without enough warning (like a freaking therapist). I swear, the first ten to fifteen minutes every lesson was like being in therapy because we had to discuss what was going on in my life and how it affected “my music.” That’s
when I knew it was time to go. Granted it was also a money issue, but when
I began to look at the lesson as an obligation, it was the beginning of the
end.
FA-FA-FA-FA-FASHION
Can we put the exposed thong to bed now? I’m simply sick of it and I’m a big, big fan of panties. It’s just that the woman with the nice body and taste in underwear is few and far between and usually it’s
you lardasses who think bright turquoise is ever a good idea (only for strippers
and porn stars, honey).
AND THE WORLD FOLLOWS ME TO HELL!
So, it seems “Hollaback Girl” is the number one song in the country for the second week in a row, but if you’re unfortunate enough to live in Texas a bill has been introduced to stop cheerleaders from giving you on the field what only a chose, special few to experience in real life. What they don’t realize is, this law would only serve to drive up the value of actually nailing a cheerleader. Me, I’m so twisted, all I need is the uniform. A routine is a bonus and a dirty routine just might make me lose consciousness. This is why I can’t rent cheerleader porn. I’m
done five seconds into it. . And speaking of adult women as cheerleaders, this ugly, talent-free little spud has the honor of having sex with Paula Abdul (dancer’s body – do I have to say more?) and then has the nerve to try and make a buck off of it? And who is going to buy this book? Unless he’s got pictures or needlessly graphic details, nobody gives a fuck. And as dumb as she was LEAVING
FREAKING MESSAGES you can’t help but feel for Paula. She’s had so much pain in her life, with this betrayal she officially qualifies for becoming a Gay Icon. But what is this “coaching” shit? Paula can’t sing, so if she coached him, then his dismissal was guaranteed.
5/2/05
“Every man regards his own life as the New Year’s Eve of time.” --- Jean Paul Richter
DO PANIC
The Hitchhiker’s Guide To The
Galaxy opens at number one and I was somewhat looking forward to this,
having enjoyed not just the TV show from years ago, but also the serialized
radio show (yes, I’m that old). Sadly, something got
lost in translation in this. Part of the fun was the nonstop jokes about God,
the universe and just about everything (one of my favorites being how God,
when confronted with rational thought “vanished in a puff of logic”), but most
of this dry wit, it seems was sacrificed on the altar of special effects. The
movie seriously needed a dose of Monty Python’s anarchy. Let me put it this
way: at one point in the first hour, I actually dozed off. I never fall asleep
in the movies, ever. The last time I came close was Star Wars: The Phantom
Menace. That’s how boring you have to be to put me away and while this wasn’t
that boring, it was listless enough. Not even Sam Rockwell’s performance as
the President of the Galaxy---which is the best part of the film---could hold
me. In fact, when I fell asleep he had two heads. When I woke up he had one
and I simply have no interest in how or why that happened. What this film needed
was the right director to handle this type of material. It didn’t get it in
Garth Jennings, whose resume only has REM and Blur videos on it. How anyone
could think this was a good idea is beyond me. “Hey, you’re pretty good
at directing two whole groups of nancy boys with guitars. Here’s a multi-million
dollar budget and a beloved book of the last two decades.” What should
have been the hysterical sight of the most feared group of aliens in the galaxy
running from Mos Def simply because he’s waving a towel, yelling, “Look out!
He’s got a towel!” isn’t done any justice by this man and my description of
the scene is funnier than the scene itself. The author of the book, Douglas
Adams, suffered through 20 years of trying to see his vision realized on the
big screen before dying a few years back of heart attack in the gym (so lay
back and eat those doughnuts while watching Desperate Housewives with a newfound
sense of security). It’s safe to say, that only because of his death this lackluster
film even exists.
MY WIFE IS ON MY BACK AND I CAN’T SEE YOU DURING MAY SWEEPS The Interpreter is down to number two and it’s looking less and less likely that I will ever see this film. Sorry, but since I don’t do movies in the week (if TV is my wife, then film is the mistress I see on the weekends), not catching a film the first week dooms it because there are other films to see the next week, especially now with the summer rush already upon us. But word of mouth must be good, because this film only dropped a notch, but true success is still a ways away. Just remember, because I sure Nicole Kidman, her manager and Tom Cruise all do: her most successful film was…Batman Forever. THE REVOLUTION WILL NOT BE TELEVISED XXX: State of the Union opens at number there and before I get started let me ask, WHY
THE FUCK AREN’T ICE CUBE AND SAMUEL L. JACKSON ON THE POSTER!?! Correct me if I’m wrong, but Samuel L. Jackson has now surpassed Harrison Ford as being the actor in the most money making films in history (kind of easy when you do Star Wars and will whore yourself out to any film that pays) and Ice Cube just came off a successful family film, so why the fuck aren’t they on the poster!?! Who do they think is going to see this film that doesn’t know it’s about two Black guys saving the day!?! Excuse me, but fucking Vin Diesel was Black too! And why didn’t Ice Cube or Samuel L. Jackson say something about it!?! Because of this, I have no fucking sympathy over how this film opened. Maybe if you sold your stars, you might not have had your ass kicked by a mediocre adaptation of a 20-year-old cult novel and Tom Cruise’s former beard. That said, this film might be even dumber than the first, which is saying a lot. It’s directed by Lee Tamahori, who was briefly considered a real director with Once Were Warriors, but now after Die Another Day and this, is obviously just a whore. And if you saw Die Another Day, you know the laws of physics don’t mean much to him. Well, he might as well do some fantasy movie, because that’s the only way pretty boy Scott Speedman (actually named Agent “Steele”) could be repelling from a helicopter traveling at over 200 mph while trying to mount a bullet train. But this is in-keeping with the first film, where Vin Diesel (whose character is killed off-screen, but you can see on the reissued director’s cut if you’re stupid enough to buy it) made his motorcycle leap into the air without the benefit of ramps and whose spine failed to suffer from the landings. Ice Cube stars as a former Navy SEAL (yeah, I know; and to make matters worse, Scott Speedman is also another SEAL) in prison for being part of a mutiny that included Samuel L. Jackson. Why Jackson isn’t in a cell beside him, it never adequately explained, nor is why, when his NSA chapter is attacked, he just runs away and works “off the grid.” But this is an action film. No one comes here for logic. We come to see shit blow up. And it does. Real good. I’ll have to give them credit; I can’t remember the last time I saw a tank fight aboard an aircraft carrier. Had the film been filled with the same type of inspired action set ups, it might have been more fun (though I’m sure “Shelby chases bullet train on tracks” sounded inspired in the meeting). One problem with actions films is that computer generated special effects are taking the place of real stunts (and real stuntmen if you’re working for George Lucas). The aforementioned “helicopters and car chase bullet train” is one example. This scene is totally lacking in excitement, not simply because it’s stupid beyond all comprehension, but because it’s all CGI. It might as well be spaceships, it looks so unrealistic. But I understand. Otherwise they might have been forced to “imagine” something.
HE’D GIVE HIS LEFT NUT FOR GEORGE LUCAS TO CALL The Amityville Horror is down to number four, followed by Sahara at number five and also starring in this is William H. Macy, who has flat out said he’s willing to whore himself ‘cause now he and Felicity Huffman have kids to feed. Doing all of Mamet’s stuff may get you all types of artistic street cred, but you know it doesn’t pay the bills. Well, if whoredom is what you’re looking for, you should see about Samuel L. Jackson’s agent. BECAUSE MEN ARE MORE SHALLOW THAN WOMEN CAN DREAM OF A Lot Like Love is down to number six and supposedly Ashton Kutcher made a bet that he would do a Calvin Klein underwear campaign if this didn’t open at number one. Let’s see if I got this right: if my movie bombs, I’ll take an exorbitant amount of money to be part of stylish ad campaign that will only increase my exposure? Yeah, man, you’re risking it all. Please, please, please let Calvin Klein tell him to fuck off. Besides, doesn’t CK like boys with muscles (Marky Mark, Antonio Sabato Jr., and Travis Himmel who played Tarzan on that lame show last year), not these pretty, flat-chested, tone-free toothpicks? SOMEWHERE ROSEANNA ARQUETTE IS PISSED ‘CAUSE IT’S SUPPOSEDLY ABOUT HER Kung Fu Hustle is down to number seven, followed by Fever Pitch at number eight and also in this and apparently attempting some sort of come back this year is Ione Skye. I’m sorry, who missed her? Let’s face it, she Neve Campbell, Liv Tyler and Jennifer Connelly were competing for the same roles and now it’s just down to Liv Tyler and Jennifer Connelly and Jennifer’s willingness to do nudity in just about every movie puts her on top (then there’s that Oscar), but Liv Tyler got the Rings Trilogy, so anything Connelly doesn’t want, goes to her first. Not to mention, Skye is the least attractive of the bunch and considering Neve “Raccoon” Campbell in on the list, that’s saying something. But we will always, always love Say Anything. “Love, I get so lost sometimes….”
THE END…THANK GOD Robots is down to number nine and Guess Who at number ten and I’ve run out of ways to further insult these films. THE LAST MOTION PICTURE SHOW So, I saw two more films at the Tribeca Film Festival. First was Yes, starring Joan Allen, which is why I was there. It was written and directed by Sally Potter and though I loved Orlando her follow-up, The Tango Lesson, made me swear off her forever (pop quiz: what’s the difference between me and Sally Potter? When I jerk off, I don’t call it art and charge you to watch. Though I should). Joan Allen made me break this vow to sit through the story of a married woman in England who begins a relationship with a Palestinian doctor now working as a chef. Is your mouth watering yet? Well, know that all the dialogue is in rhyming couplets. Yes. Imagine Shakespeare, but not quite as well written. It’s not awful, but other than total, self-indulgent, bullshit artistic conceit, what’s the fucking point? But like I said, I love Joan Allen, so I went. She was there as well, super-skinny and a giant in her heels, but I couldn’t stay for the Q&A afterwards, lest I find myself under arrest (“Yes, the next question from the geek with his hands in his pants…”). The last film I saw was Red Doors, a comedy drama about a dysfunctional Asian family in suburban New York. It wasn’t bad, but broke no new ground. Gee, you say Asian-American families are just like everyone else. Really? Wow. Yawn. You know you’ve got a problem when an obvious act of nepotism (hiring your younger sister to play the younger sister role) results in the most interesting character and best performance. And wow, I couldn’t possibly have guessed that the older sister’s relationship with the cold WASP would fall apart and she’d be drawn back to her intense musician high school boyfriend with the perfectly manicured beard stubble. Shocking. The one film I wanted to see more than anything but didn’t was 2046 from Wong Kar Wai, which has been promised by him for the last five years or so. It’s not quite a sequel to In The Mood For Love, though Tony Leung is back as the same character, with clips of Maggie Cheung from that movie (along with Gong Li and Zhang Ziyi, letting you now it’s a pretty-palooza). The plot…well, it’s hard to say, but it’s damn pretty and because it’s Wong Kar Wai, you know it’s about love and longing, but this time it takes place in the future. How do I know if I didn’t get to see it? Well, it’s an Asian film and this is New York City and you know what that means. I went down to Chinatown and bought myself a copy for $20. I could have gotten a cheaper one for $13.50, but this is the 2-disc set in a nice slipcase. God bless organized crime!
OLD MUSIC FOR OLD PEOPLE Behind the Music with New Edition. Yeah, baby. All I wanted was Bobby Brown in all his fucked up glory and I was not disappointed. He has fucked himself up with so many drugs, he now speaks like a stroke victim. And the others were nice and raw with the truth about being completely and utterly fucked over by the music business. Triple platinum and still living in the projects. Holy fucking shit. They even had Terry Lewis & Jimmy Jam who wrote and produced their most successful album “N.E. Heartbreak.” All that was missing was member Ronnie DeVoe, a.k.a, “No Eyebrows, Thinks He Can Rap”who apparently is recently successful in real estate wasn’t giving up that money to talk about how he wasn’t making money in the music business. They were even honest about their last album, which came out in November and was produced by Puffy Daddy (the single “Hot 2 Nite” wasn’t bad, just remarkably unremarkable and the remix with The Game rapping was just awful). They said it was crap, he was wrong for trying to make them act like a bunch of kids and they were biding their time until they were done with him. That’s when you know you’ve got balls, when you tell one of the most powerful people in the music business he’s an asshole, while still under contract to him. But when is Johnny Gill just going to come out already? He did everything thing but say “Oooh, girl,” and do three snaps in the air. Not nearly as much fun, but fun nonetheless, was Remaking: Taylor Dayne. They start with Taylor working in Orlando for tourists and you know they had to cut a scene of her crying because someone had come to rescue her. But the thing is, when you actually have a voice, you’ll always have work, even if it’s just doing studio or background work. The high point of the show had to be Leah Remini showing up. She’s Taylor Dayne’s best friend. Both Taylor Dayne and Leah Remini are straight-up New York girls, and they were in full form on this show, cursing constantly and both not seeming realizing that they’ve they’re 20 pounds and 20 years from being teenagers---just like 99% of all the women in the New York City area. For some reason, Guidettes, Latinas and Sistas cannot see the difference in their 18-year old bodies and their 38-year-old-post-childbirth bodies and continue to wear the same types of clingy and revealing clothing (especially if they were hot when they were young). Yeah, Remni just had a kid, but I’m gonna go out on a limb here and say that the chances are slim to none that she’s going to lose it like her WASPy counterparts in Hollywood. Check any mall in the tristate area and see what I mean. And watching Taylor Dayne take botox shots to the face was something I didn’t need to see, but am super-impressed she showed the world. In the end, nothing will come of it. Leah Remini was right about one thing: that uptempo song sucked and she needed to do a ballad. Act your age, baby. THEIR FIVE YEAR MISSION: TO MAKE ONE OF THE LAMEST SHOWS EVER Personally, I’ve disliked all the Star Treks since the original, with the later episodes of Deep Space Nine being the exception, but only the later episodes. Star Trek: Enterprise was no exception (even the woman who plays the Vulcan says it sucks). It’s blown since the beginning, but I had to check out their play on the old “Mirror, Mirror” episode, where they travel to the opposite universe where the Federation is an evil empire and you advance through assassination. It started off promising with the scene from Star Trek: First Contact being altered so that instead of greeting the Vulcans, they shoot them down and steal their technology. And the lame opening showing the evolution of man exploring was replaced by the evolution of warfare and THAT HORRIBLE FUCKING THEME SONG WAS GONE! But because this is Enterprise, they got it wrong almost immediately, by only having the women half dressed, because in the original, Captain Kirk was in the muscle shirt. The outfits of the men should have changed as well. But seeing The Defiant from the original “Tholian Web” episode was great. If you remember, it disappeared in the original episode and this episode explains what happened to it (they even got the positioning of the bodies right). They also had a Gorn appear, so to make one decent story on this super lame show, they had to borrow from three of the original. This cancellation comes years too late. “JOEY
AND MAVERICK SITTING IN A TREE, F-I-B-B-I-N-G”
Okay, we have to discuss it: Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes. Who the fuck believes this bullshit? Actually, I’m pleasantly surprised by all the disbelief going on. Most people seem to realize this is just a stunt. And if you believe the rumors about why her engagement to Chris Klein fell through (she was cold and wouldn’t have sex with him), then it’s a match made in heaven: two people totally uninterested in having sex with the other and all about career success. She’s now joined the club of Nicole Kidman and Penelope Cruz and how can you tell her she’s wrong? At best you can win and Oscar and continue to be on the A-list despite never having a hit and at worse, you’ll just continue to be on the A-list despite never having a hit. Metaphorically speaking, that’s just how big Tom Cruise’s dick is in Hollywood. BUT I’LL MISS THAT PIZZA Another part of my past has died. The Time Café downtown is now gone. Aside from having some great spicy chicken with goat cheese pizza, I had two spectacularly disappointing non-dates there. One was with a French Arab Girl who I didn’t even like, but was horribly attracted to and the other was with The Otter Queen and I swear you could hear crickets chirping, we had such little chemistry. What was sad about that was it was the second time I tried (and yes, there would be a third). But it wasn’t all bad. I had dinner there with friends a number of times, hung out in the Fez lounge, saw Terri Garr once and once a good friend dropped some wisdom on me that changed my life. It was after margaritas and she casually revealed, “I like my sex a little rough. I mean, I can have an orgasm by myself, so when I’m with someone I want a full out physical experience.” I bough my personal riding crop the very next day.
RUNAWAY BRIDE 2: THE WRATH OF KAHN Finally, big ups to the woman who ran away from her wedding! Better to create a national event than have a bad marriage. And I loved how the local sheriff knew from jumpstreet what had happened and wasn’t even pretending it was crime. He probably met her douchebag fiancée and thought, “Shit, I’d rather my daughter run away than marry this prick.” And goddamn, what’s with this 600 guests, bullshit? You’re a bunch of nobodies from freaking Duluth, GA. You don’t even know 600 people! And you know what, all of this was more entertaining than that lousy Julia Roberts movie.