"I like the moment when I break a man’s ego." --- Bobby Fischer
A DAY THAT WILL LIVE IN INFAMY…FOR DISNEY’S ACCOUNTANTS
There’s so much to say about Pearl Harbor that I don’t know where to start! First of all, it sucks, but you knew it would. It’s not so much a movie about World War II, as it is a movie about World War II movies. You never think for one second that this actually depicts how real people lived in the days before the war. Like the soul-deficient, artistically bankrupt spawn of Satan that he is, Michael Bay (John Frankenheimer’s illegitimate son, by the way, and proof that Dead Bang with Don Johnson wasn’t the worst thing ever to come out of him) doesn’t present one single original frame of film. With the exception of the great battle scene, it looks like one gigantic commercial. Place your product in this space:_____. It’s filled with "money shots." For those of you unfamiliar with the term, "money shot" refers to the defining big scenes that what people are paying to see. The money shots in The Matrix were Keanu Reeves dodging bullets and Carrie Anne Moss jumping in the air. It comes from porn, where the money shot, oddly enough was what any man can get for free: the sight of an ejaculation. There’s one original money shot here and that’s the bomb dropping. All the others are your typical, honey-lit, slow motion beauty shots featuring the lead actors. The bottom of the barrel has to be Alec Baldwin, Ben Affleck and Josh Harnett exiting a hangar in slow motion just as B-25 bombers fly overhead. And as a graduate of the post-Blade Runner Ridley Scott school, no film would be complete without lots of dry ice use. For Manhattan to have the amount of fog and steam he depicts, you’d have to drain both rivers dry! Also, no one and I mean no one, in the history of Tennessee has ever named a male child Rafe (Ben Affleck’s character). In fact, I can pretty much guarantee you that of the entire south! That’s your first clue that this movie has not one foot in reality. I’ll forgo my usual tirade on bad southern accents and just say you can add this one to the list. But the lousy script doesn’t deserve any better. The rah-rah, by-the-numbers-drama dialogue is something that only the U.S. Government would approve for a propaganda film. In fact, now that I think about it Randall Wallace is a lousy writer (Braveheart, Man in The Iron Mask) with the ideas of noble fighting men that only a wuss-boy writer could and would have. I’ve got ten bucks says he’s short, fat, bald and fights like a girl. Despite the $75M opening, this will not make money. First of all, it’s so bad, no one will see it twice; secondly, it cost $143M, which translates into $200M when you add prints and advertising. That means it’s got to make $600M. People, Armageddon (the last piece of shit from Bruckheimer and Bay) made $600M but didn’t make a profit until it hit video and that cost about $100M less than this. There’s too much else to get into now, but in the next few weeks we’ll discuss 1) Josh Harnett’s hotness, 2) James King’s ugliness, 3) Cuba Gooding Jr.’s new career of tokenism, 4) Alec Baldwin’s crazy, angry man routine, 5) bullshit history lessons, 6) my favorite Japanese actor and the worst closing credit song since Titanic.
GREEN BEGATS GREEEN
Down to number two, but still pulling in frighteningly high numbers is Shrek. With a $44M cost ($50M or $60M with prints and advertising) and Atlantis still another two weeks away, unlike Pearl Harbor, this will make money long before video appears.
NO LOREAL COMMERICAL FOR YOU!
A Knight’s Tale is down one notch to number three and Heath Ledger has really bad hair. This is an odd because in a cruel twist of evolutionary fate, men on the whole have better, thicker, fuller hair than women do. Even our lashes are naturally better. That’s why a pretty man is usually prettier than a pretty woman is. How can Heath Ledger join the ranks of movie star pretty boys with bad hair? In fact, it looks kinda nasty. This is why this movie isn’t doing better (though with a $41M cost, it ain’t flopping). Chicks don’t dig skeevy hair, especially on a pretty boy.
PUFFY IS SO UGLY, WHEN HE WAS BORN, THE DOCTOR SLAPPED HIS MAMA.
Speaking of pretty men, Jennifer Lopez is obviously on a mission to make movies with them all. George Clooney, Matthew McConughey, and now Jim Caviezel, her love interest in Angel Eyes, down to number four (let us not forget her first husband was a would-be model himself). However, in my mind he’s got that "pretty-boy-psycho-thing" going on. He’s the overly emotional pretty boy who’ll kill either you or himself if things go wrong. Is it worth it ladies? You’re damn right it is. Better to fuck Johnny Depp for a week and die, than spend a lifetime looking at John Goodman’s fat ass.
CAN’T LET THE BABYSITTER GO TO WASTE. GOTTA SEE SOMETHING.
Bridget Jones’s Diary keeps on keeping on at number six. I think the success of this can be attributed to the fact that this is truly the only decent mainstream totally adult film to come out this year. Grown-ups look at what’s out and decide to see it again. Hell, I saw it twice myself (though one was free and the second one was a date). When it comes out on DVD I’ll own it and stick it next to Four Weddings & A Funeral and Sliding Doors in my "English Romantic Comedy" section (the debate on whether or not to add Notting Hill continues, because with DVD I can easily skip all of Horseface’s scenes).
GOTTA SEE SOMETHING, PART II
Along Came a Spider is still here at number seven and again, this is pulling in repeat adults, probably fans of the books (not to offend that powerful Monica Potter audience). Following at number eight is Memento, also is for those over 30 who decide that anything requiring computer-generated effects (six out of the ten films here) isn’t for them. Again for Blow at number nine. I can’t think of any other reason for it to be here. Johnny Depp’s people are now at his latest portrayal of a gypsy in France (though not an Irish one this time) in The Man Who Cried.
PEOPLE WHO EAT WEIRD FOOD, WATCH WEIRD THINGS
Finally, not attracting too many of any age group is Driven, closing out the top ten at number ten. It’s gotta communicate something to Stallone that barely-a-star Heath Ledger accomplished in three weeks what he can’t do in five. Still, I need to see the worldwide numbers, because they like this crap in the rest of the world. I was at a Finnish friend’s house this weekend (a tall pretty boy with good hair, by the way) and he got up at 7:00 am Sunday to watch the freaking Monaco Grand Prix (for me, that’s the equivalent of a go-cart race in Disneyland). I, on the other hand, woke up in a daze hours later, trying to figure out how I wound up in a place surrounded on four sides by trees.
TRAILWAYS HAS THE EXPRESS LINE TO HELL, EVERY HOUR ON THE HOUR.
I would have seen Johnny Depp’s latest, The Man Who Cried, but like I said, hell froze over and I left the city. My friends forcing me to travel odd places to see them (my second person has moved to Arizona, meaning much sweating in my future) has put me in contact with people I might not regularly have contact with and that’s not good. First, I’m taking the dreaded F line to Brooklyn. Next, I’m on freaking New Jersey Transit to Princeton and that speaks for itself. Now, I’m on the bus to Pennsylvania. The bus!?! Do I have to explain to you what kind of freak rides the bus in this world of car, plane and train travel!?! It’s the lowest of the low. The freakiest of the freaky, because bus riders are people who are too dangerous to drive or fly and too crazy to take a train because they’re afraid to go underground (because their sub-human, mole-people relatives might make them go home). Let me use an incident that actually occurred while I was in Port Authority to drive my point home. Now, because my dad worked for the airlines (the late, great Eastern) I’ve been in and out of airports since I was born, but never have I seen a man at the Delta ticket gate screaming, "This muthafucka took my money and won’t give it back! Give me back my goddamn money!" But at Greyhound, you see, they call that Tuesday.
I ONLY DRINK MODERATELY----I GOT A CASE OF IT OUT IN THE CAR
Even the best of us have our slow moments (I know this because I am the best of us). Since I got my blender, I’ve failed to make frozen margaritas because I thought I needed an ice crusher. Not so. Just put that sucker on the highest setting and let loose the Dean Martin within! Now my drinking problem can finally begin, because I love frozen margaritas. I can have them every day, no problem and plan to. I plan to become a latter-day F. Scott Fitzgerald, but skipping that fame and fortune part and getting right to the drunken loser part. All I need is a crazy woman to be my Zelda. Unfortunately, I got rid of all the crazy women in my life about two years ago, so I’ll be accepting applications. Mild neurotics need not apply.
HAVE A SKANKY LOOKING POP STAR AND A SMILE
Christina Aguilera’s Coke commercial debuted with no fanfare and is much better than Brittney’s. Sorry, but it’s actually funny and she’s the costar rather than the star of it. No, there’s no camel-toe present, but there’s none in Brittney’s either and I’m sick of hearing people say it. Now her video in the red leather on the other hand…
ONCE IS AN ACCIDENT, TWICE IS COINCIDENCE AND THREE TIMES HE’LL BE WEARING MY SKIN CLAIMING HE LOVES ME
I saw Robert Sean Leonard again. This time on the street near where I work. I’m now convinced he’s stalking me. First, Nathan Lane and now this. Sigh.
NEXT WEEK: HOW THE RED SCARE CREATED CHARLIE BROWN
15 years before The Matrix, John Carpenter of all people, used Hong Kong-type action scenes in a movie. Unfortunately, it doesn’t count because it was partially a martial arts movie to begin with, not to mention having only Asians doing this stuff to begin with (in other words, no one notices a Black guy dunking, but let anyone else do it and it’s an event). Big Trouble In Little China came out on DVD last week and no one is happier than me, ‘cause it’s one of my favorite movies. It failed when it was released because of the same reasons The Adventures of Buckaroo Banzai (written by the same guy, by the way) failed: no one got the joke because its subject matter was too old. Like Buckaroo, it was parodying something from the 20’s. In this case, it was the old serials out of Republic about those mysterious Asians. What most people don’t remember is that in the 20’s there was a strong sense of "yellow peril" in America. For some reason, everyone decided it was time to be afraid of Asians (after they built the railroad, of course). Out of this came Fu Manchu serials and Buck Rogers and Flash Gordon. That’s right Buck Rogers and Flash Gordon. Think about it. They weren’t fighting Mannheim The Merciless, or McMurray The Merciless. It was Ming. And how did Ming look? Also, when Buck Rogers woke up in the 24th Century, the Huns had taken over the planet, not aliens. He too was saving us from "the yellow horde." In Big Trouble In Little China, Kurt Russell plays the great white hero as a complete idiot (while doing a hysterical John Wayne impression the entire time). He’s totally clueless and his Asian "sidekick" actually does all the heroic buttkicking and gets the good-looking Asian girl in the end (though she’s actually looks Latin to me and she’s not that impressive). For his trouble, Kurt Russell gets Kim Catrall (giving me a double feature, because I bought the second season of Sex & the City at the same time).
HONORABLE MENTION
I do give props to those who come up with lines so good that even I have to bow down before them. This one comes by way of Vassar Girl (she hates that name, but I’m finding hard to feel bad for someone who went to Vassar) who found it in on www.mightybigtv.com:
"Man, the UPN is such a fucking ghetto network. I actually have to check to see if the cable is attached to make sure I’m really watching television and not just some shadow puppet show my cat is putting on."
Damn, that’s funny.
"Whatever else can be said about sex, it cannot be called a dignified performance." --- Helen Lawrenson
BUZZ & WOODY NEED NOT WATCH THEIR BACKS
Shrek opens at number one this week and while it was fun with a lot of good moments, nothing is funnier than what you see in the commercials. A word to the wise: when your movie is only 86 minutes, be careful with the clips you show. Unfortunately, this movie was more intent on actually trying to tell a fairy tale than making fun of them, because it? when it? skewering the classics that it really takes off. Ghepetto himself giving up Pinocchio for money is a highlight as well as Robin Hood as an obnoxious Frenchman (redundant, I know) who gets his ass kicked Matrix-style along with his merry men (again, these are seen in the commercials). Though Jefferey Katzenberg insists that this isn? an attack on Disney, the digs are there, but there? simply not enough of them. Still, if this is the best Dreamworks can do, then Disney can continue to rest easy and I still continue to wait for Atlantis to open this summer.
I? NOT BAD; INDUSTRIAL LIGHT AND MAGIC JUST F/X ME THAT WAY
Down to number two is The Mummy Returns and this one actually goes that extra mile and adds a black guy to the cast. Can you imagine it? A Black guy in Africa? The ultimate irony about this version of The Mummy is that initially, The Mummy is actually the victim. He simply made the mistake of falling in love with the Pharaoh? whore (revised in this movie to make her his fianc?e---like there? a difference for a pharaoh), who, understandably, didn? really care for her position. Even the people he kills in the first movie weren? exactly innocent (which is how is should be in monster movie---evil people dying so you can enjoy it). It? only when he decides that kicking Rachel Weisz? soul out of her body is okay that there? a problem.
PRAYTELL, FAIR MADIEN, HABLA ESPANOL?
A Knight? Tale is down to number three and while I can? deny Shannyn Sossamon isn? gorgeous, it? still a little odd to see a Latina in the middle of 14th Century England (two if you count her equally dark-skinned handmaiden). Granted, the last thing this movie had on its mind was historical accuracy, but everyone has an English accent, so some concern must have been given and I sure as hell didn? see any Blacks or Asians around
THE COVER OF VANITY FAIR BUT NOT LATINA? UH-OH.
Angel Eyes opens at number four and I meant to go see this but was sidetracked by not only the 9th Avenue Food Fair (deep fried Oreoes, melted mozzarella on sweet cornbread, jambalaya, ravioli, chicken parmigiana hero, beef bourginion, fried chicken, key lime pie, orange cake with Grand Mariner icing, but I wouldn? do the alligator on a stick) but by another film (The Claim). I have to give Jennifer Lopez credit for never making the same movie twice. Unfortunately for her, Julia Roberts and Tom Cruise didn? get to where they are by following this plan of attack and that? definitely where she wants to be. For minorities to make it, they have to do genre movies (action, suspense, and horror). Drama ain? gonna cut it, because drama usually has one foot in reality (at least a toe) and in the real world JLo is Puerto Rican and mainstream America ain? going to see movies about Puerto Ricans any more than they are Blacks or Asians. Also, if she doesn? get a brown-skinned love interest soon, she? going to loose her core (i.e., minority) audience. Your people are only going to watch you kiss "whitey" so many times before they turn you. Believe me, I know (yet another reason I avoid family reunions).
NEXT, THE FIRST PAGE OF A TALE OF TWO CITIES
Bridget Jones? Diary is down to five and it? based partially on Pride & Prejudice and I know this because I?e read two whole pages of it. I had to. Mrs. Pretty Boy (not really married, but so named for her penchant for dating pretty boys so this will be her title one day) was talking so much about how she likes to re-read it, that I felt stupid knowing this business major knew more about a major work of English literature than an English lit major.
BUT THERE? ONLY ONE PUSSY GALORE
Along Came A Spider is down to number six and given how little this seems to have done for Monica Potter (will nothing clear her from the wreckage that was Head Over Heels?) it may be that women in this Morgan Freeman franchise are the equivalent of Bond girls. Cross girls?
DAWSON? RACEWAY?
Driven is down to number six and despite opening at number one a few weeks ago, it? safe to say that Stallone? latest comeback attempt has fizzled out. Granted, he followed the blueprint of Sean Connery of pairing yourself with a younger star and did it one better by having two younger stars, but he failed to get that they have to be RECOGNIZABLE. I mean, who the hell knows Kip Pardue or Til Schwieger (who? quite frankly no kid at 37)? He should have gone to the WB and gotten one of those guys. They would have killed for this and would have brought in a built-in audience of young girls.
ECETERA, ECETERA
Blow hangs around at number eight like a headache the morning after, while Spy Kids is down to nine. Finally, Memento again closes out the top ten at number ten.
BUT NICOLE KIDMAN IS A STEP UP FROM JENNIFER LOVE HEWITT
Not entering the top ten because it? only at two theaters in the US (yet another reason why I live in the greatest city in the world), is Moulin Rouge. Like all of Baz Luhrmann? films, he throws in everything but the kitchen sink, but there? something to be said for someone who tries to fill every single inch of every single frame. And it? a refreshing type of baroque visual style (I have no idea what that means, but it sounds good), as opposed to the now corporate slickness of your average film school grad, video veteran, post-Ridley Scott type of direction. Essentially, it? like a gigantic ice cream sundae with every flavor---and it? slightly melted. Good, but messy and so is the film. This is essentially Alexander Dumas? Camille (thank you, Vassar Girl, for assuming I was too stupid to know what Camille was and telling me the story before I could stop you), but not the first time it? been set to music---that would be La Traviata (in your face, Vassar Girl!). In what he thinks is a twist, Lurhmann populates the movie not only with modern pop hits, but he incorporates lyrics into the dialogue at every chance (at one point, Ewan McGregor actually says, "Love is like oxygen, love is all you need, love lifts us up where we belong,?) and therein lies the problem. Everytime this happens, it pulls you out of the movie. I know it? meant to be clever and people did laugh, but just as often at the movie as with it. I love Lamb? "Gorecki" (which has the dubious honor of being the song played over the closing credits of I Still Know What You Did Last Summer). It? a beautiful and poignant song, but when Nicole Kidman sings it at a tender moment, I wasn? with her. I was thinking about this great song that I love. Same with Queen? "The Show Must Go On." All I could think about was how this it written when Freddie Mercury was dying of AIDS and was about that situation. The only time a popular song doesn? take you out of the movie is during its best scene, which is the "Roxanne" tango number. Stop laughing. It? great. Too bad the rest of movie couldn? match it. By the way, Ewan McGregor cannot sing, but we?l get into that next week.
MOVIES ARE EASIER THAN CLIFF NOTES
Not breaking the top is The Claim, which was actually released about a month ago---two months before it hits video stores. Like A Knight? Tale, Bridget Jones? Diary, and Moulin Rouge, this comes from a classic piece of literature, The Mayor of Casterbridge by Thomas Hardy. This is the second film Michael Winterbottom has made based on a Hardy novel (the first was Jude the Obscure) and by god, it should be the last. In fact, all filmmakers from the north of England should be banned from making films if his run is any indication. All that dreary overcast weather seems to lend itself to depressing filmmaking (I mentioned his other mope-a-thon, I Want You, last week). Just in case you?e denied yourself the pleasure of reading Hardy (god knows I have), the plot is this: a man sells his wife and daughter and later becomes a success. Years later, the wife comes to him with their now fully-grown daughter. In this version, he? a prospector from Ireland who sells his Polish wife (Nastassia Kinski) for a claim and some gold, which allows him to become the ruler over a small town. Twenty years later his dying wife and now adult daughter (Sarah Polley, who thinks he? her uncle) return just as the railroad is potentially coming to town (Wes Bentley as the surveyor for the railroad). It? beautiful, I?l grant it that and I was never bored as the story unfolded, but it could have been shortened by half an hour.
IF NOT FOR YOUR CHEESE, WINE AND WOMEN, JEAN-PAUL, YOU? BE USELESS
Jean Luc Goddard, one of the fathers of modern film was at Cannes this year, ripping American film, which seems to be a European filmmaker? primary occupation, because making films people actually want to see sure as hell isn? it. It was the typical rant about Americans making films for the lowest common denominator and honestly, we do that crap (Jurassic Park 3 isn? coming because of deep artistic need to make it) BUT at least people have a hope of having a good time seeing it. The last thing anyone wants to see is three-hour film about the futility of life. Hey, auteur boy, the average person experiences the fucking futility of life 24-7-365! The last thing they want is some privileged fucker? version of it. It only makes sense that Sean Penn? movie, The Pledge, is getting rave reviews there. IF YOU DON? WANT TO KNOW THE ENDING, SKIP THIS! It? the story of a cop who pledges to a mother to find the serial killer who killed her little girl. Eventually, he becomes so obsessed that he essentially uses the daughter of a young woman he takes in as bait for the killer. When the time comes to finally catch him, the serial killer dies in a car accident, leaving the cop all but insane with obsession and frustration. And it? two hours long. In a country where the killer of JenBenet Ramsey still roams free, who the fuck wants to give up one second of their lives to see this? And where is this coming from in Sean Penn? As far as I can tell he? never had a real job in his life and has spent the bulk of it a fucking star. Where? your excuse for this shit? At least Europeans do have the scars of spending most of the 20th Century hosting World Wars to justify their shitty outlook, but a thirty second marriage to Madonna only excuses you for The Indian Runner at best! Okay, so you fucked Jewel too, so you probably had to talk to her and listen to her fucking music on top of it. For that I?l also give you The Crossing Guard, but that? it! No more!
DOESN? ANYONE JUST GRUNT ANYMORE?
I was told last week that the correct spelling in Puerto Rican love-talk is "papi." Either way, it? not what I want to hear. Hearing the mention of any sort of parentage is right up there with "This is even better than when I was a man," "You?e almost as good as your father," and "And I never thought I? enjoy sex again after the infection," of things I don? want to hear. What do I want to hear? "That? Mistress Oprah to you, worm," "No, I don? mind wearing my old cheerleader uniform," and "After this, I?l buy you Playstation 2."
BOOGIE NIGHTS 2: THE WRATH OF KAHN
Yet another article on the business of porn in NY Times. In the oddest bit of irony it makes note of how there? always someone, somewhere doing a story on porn pretending to be journalists, but are simply exploiting it (citing the recent Martin Amis article in Talk Magazine). But not the NY Times, oh no. If they?e doing it, then it must be real. Still, the writer gets points for never visiting a set and making the cruel, honest observation that actors are the last people to ask about the business they?e in. He also gets points for interviewing my favorite porn star from my teen years: Veronica Hart, now going by her real name of Jane Hamilton as a porn director. This comes right on the heels of a friend of mind trying to talk me into going into the online porn business. It started off as simple schadenfraude over all the dot com people who are now forced to work in online porn because it? the only place that can use their skills that actually makes money. The next thing I know, I? explaining how cheaply and easily one can make a porn site and he? insisting we can do it. As the NY Times article explains, the profit margin is $5 returned for every $1 invested, so you have to be either very stupid or very greedy not to make money (I didn? hear very lazy so I? safe). But I can? do it. I hate working, but I can? be known as the porn guy. Not that my parents would care (watching the Playboy channel as a teenager with my mom---where I discovered Veronica Hart---is why I? so screwed up now), but I can? be the porn guy. It? a label you just can? shake. Not to mention all the assholes who want you pimp for them ("I saw this girl on your website and I just want to meet her?). Then again, ask me again after another year of corporate hell. I?l probably be hanging around high schools looking for new talent. Or at closing Broadway shows. I?l get some of those people from Seussical: "I will not fuck you in the house/I will not fuck you/You?e hung like a mouse/I will not fuck you on the tram/I will not fuck you, Sam-I-Am."
GOT ANYTHING TO HIDE THAT YOU?E A BITCH?
You know, that girl in the invisible braces commercial who blows off her real date ain? exactly an ad for straight teeth either. And it? not like he? not going to find out she lied to his face. Their mutual friend is going to be pissed.
WHATEVER
You X-Files geeks happy now? You finally got your freaking Mulder-Scully kiss. It? coming back for another season with Annabeth Gish, but no David Duchovny and maybe no Chris Carter, but I? truly beyond caring at this point. Pity Gillian Anderson. She wants to leave like nobody? business (and has said so in print) but has another year on her contract. How nasty is that? The guy who signed you to this draconian agreement is leaving, but your ass has to stay. That? right up there with guarding the captain? lifeboat so he can make a safe getaway while you go down with the ship.
AT AN ALL-TIME LOW
You? think with all the movies that were in production in anticipation of a strike, I? have seen more than the few B-List actors I?e seen in the last month. Famke Janssen walking her ugly dog in the West Village?enry Winkler on his way toBroadway as the occasional goofball shouts "Fonzie!" at him?eon on 45th and 9th and Robert Sean Leonard on Morton Street. This is so sad.
5/14/2001
"Many a man has fallen in love with a girl in light so dim he would not have chosen a suit by it." --- Maurice Chevalier
THE BEST THINGS I LIFE ARE FREE/BUT YOU CAN GIVE ?M TO THE BIRDS AND BEES/I WANT MUMMY?p>
The Mummy Returns holds on to the number one spot this week and supposedly Brendan Fraser is down for a third movie (the spin-off movie, The Scorpion King, doesn? count) but Rachel Weisz says she? not. Hmm, how much money do you think it? going to take to change her mind? Not much. See, bleak art films were you display your wonderfully real breasts and thankfully conservative bikini wax ( the movie in question is I Want You, something with Miss Wiesz that I caught on cable recently) may fulfill you artistically, but you can? afford to do them and weird theater projects with Jude Law and Sadie Frost if you?e not willing to do The Mummy 14 when the time comes.
"?HEY?E HANGING OUT AT YE OLDE DINO??
A Knight? Tale opens up at number two and while it doesn? warrant its two hour running time, it is still a harmless good time. It? based loosely and I mean very loosely on Chaucer? "A Knight? Tale" (they pretty much take the name and that? it) from "The Canterbury Tales," a work that tortured us all at some point by hiding whatever good time that could be had from its prurient nature beneath a verbose heap of Medieval English. Chaucer himself is a character here and almost takes the film away from pretty boy, Heath Ledger as one of the many instances of comic relief. In fact, the tongue-in-cheek nature of the film should have been pushed ever further to the limit, instead of just fading in and out. Whatever would-be drama present could have easily have been dismissed, as it merely slows the film down and diminishes the fun generated by such instances as when Thin Lizzy? "The Boys Are Back in Town" kicks up as the group returns to London; or when Heath Ledger and the princess dance to "The Golden Years" at a banquet, while wearing clothes based on something Mick Jagger literally wore on tour in ?2 and what Jennifer Lopez might wear now.
BECAUSE NO ONE EVER WROTE A SONG "MANCHESTER CALLING"
Bridget Jones? Diary holds at number three and this makes the third film in a row where the city of London makes an appearance, though this is the only film that showcases modern London. This makes me wonder, are there any other cities in England? Seriously, I know it? the freaking capital and all, but doesn? anything interesting ever take place anywhere else? Washington D.C. is our capital, but as far as cities of interest go, it? behind New York, LA, Chicago, San Francisco and maybe even Miami (and I hate Miami). Is it just freaking London and a bunch of villages and small towns? Are there any other urban environments in that country? The same goes for France. Is there some zoning law in Europe that says that only the capital can have buildings over three stories? Then again, given the tendency for World Wars breaking out over there, it? kinda pointless to invest too much stock in construction. Especially when you know Schultz and Heinrich are just going to come along and bomb the shit out of it every few decades.
THE OLIVER STONE SCHOOL OF CASTING
Driven drops to number and this movie is populated with shots of well-formed young women who supposedly attend these races. To make matters worse, they?e usually eating ice cream, or a hot dog or something similarly long and cylindrical. Now, if you know anything about Hollywood or even anything about Renny Harlin (supposedly, Geena Davis walked in on him inflagrante delicto with his attractive young assistant, thus ending Marriage #3 for her) you can guess how these women got their jobs. At best he was at merely trying to bed them by putting them in the movie, but lets face it: no one got a close-up sucking on a straw in a major motion picture because of her monologue from "A Doll? House."
LOCATION, LOCATION, LOCATION
Along Came A Spider holds at number five and this is set in Washington DC but does that add anything to it at all? Does someone in Germany see this movie and think, "Man, that looks like a great place to visit."? I don? think so. It? more like, "Man, I?l bomb that place in way my grandfather only dreamt of."
LOCATION, LOCATION, LOCATION PT. II
Spy Kids is down to number six and this starts off in Mexico City. Big whoop. So long as the hookers are warm and the beer is cold, Tijuana will always be the capital of Mexico to the rest of the world. Oh, bite me. People only know of Amsterdam for the exact same type of vibe. Name another city in The Netherlands. Oops! Time? up!
G?AY, HAL
Crocodile Dundee in LA is down to number seven and they milked this "fish out of water" premise in the first movie. When it comes to contrasts, what conflicts with a non-urban environment more than NYC? Nothing, that? what. They would have been better served moving this franchise forward into the future and have Crocodile Dundee fight aliens using his folksy, outback ways.
BLOW IS A NOUN HERE, PEOPLE
Blow is still hanging around at number eight and I? beginning to think it? getting an audience of people who think this is a porn flick with Johnny Depp and Penelope Cruz doing the wild thing. It can? possible be porn, people. In porn it? the woman who? good looking and the man who looks like a platypus, not the other way around.
TOM TUCKAHOE, AMERICA? SON
Momento finally breaks the top ten at long last, giving us a total of three Australian male leads in this top ten. In fact, the only defenders we have of the red, white and blue (and by that I mean American red, white and blue; not to be confused with the English red, white and blue) are Sylvester Stallone and Johnny Depp! Brendan Fraser is a freaking Canadian! Oh, where are America? sons to defend us at the box office!?! Where are our untalented pretty boys, closeted homosexuals, butt-ugly short guys and middle-aged has-beens!?! Come forth! It? the summer and your country needs you and your empty thrill ride films!
PRETTY BOYS AND AIR CONDITIONING
It must really be hot and boring out there. Why else would The Tailor of Panama be in top ten? Jamie Lee Curtis topless just isn? reason enough.
COUCHING BRUCE BANNER, LEAPING HULK
Ang Lee? film, The Chosen, for BMW is now up on their site. Needless to say, it? as much fun as the last one. And it even ends with a tip of the hat to his next project, The Incredible Hulk.
PROVE IT OR YOU?L BE PUTTING CINDY? KIDS THROUGH COLLEGE
So now, Shaq is claiming that he was just joking about sleeping with Cindy Crawford and Aliyah and Venus Williams. Uh-huh. To paraphrase the late, great Newsradio, he had so many lawyers lined up to see him, you? think he had tobacco leaking out of his breast implants. I? quite he got his first legal phone call within the hour of his "jokes." And I don? doubt that Aliyah was better in bed than Cindy. She was probably intimidated by the big, black man, whereas the 5?" Aliyah has never known anything but.
LEARN THE LANGUAGE IF YOU?E GOING TO LIE
Just how much disposable income do 14-year old boys have? Maxim has its second spin-off magazine called Maxim Blend, with Janet Jackson on the cover in a bikini that displays her crotch tattoo. Now, much as been made of Janet talking about how she likes big dicks in her recent interviews. Listen, I know women who have no shame about their size preference (men too, for that matter) and they don? talk like Janet in the same way that married women don? talk about sex with their husbands like Jada Pinkett does or Nicole Kidman did (see how that turned out?). This is the talk of someone who gave away her taste for sapphic sex and is now doing some damage control by trying to distract people with these stories. Like her brother, Janet is gay. Get over it.
THE REAL REASON WHY YOUR FATHER KEEPS VISITING YOU ON CAMPUS
Actually, it? not the 14-year old boys as much as the 40-year-old men. I doubt many teenage boys buy the New York Observer, but there was a cover story about starlets at Columbia (Julia Stiles, Anna Paquin) distracting the freshmen. Not to insult either girl, but they?e got nothing on Natalie Portman, who may just be the prettiest girl whoever lived (not sexy, not beautiful; but pretty) and she? at Harvard and Jordana Brewster (the Demi Moore clone who? dating 30-year-old Mark Wahlberg) is at Yale. Secondly,?ell maybe I am insulting them ?ause neither one is a beauty queen. Secondly, your average college has many, many attractive girls who leave them both in the dust. But if you?e a middle-aged man at a NY periodical, this sounds the ulitmate fantasy, hence it was a cover story. Compared to that, Esquire, the magazine of male menopause, seems downright tame using a naked model on the cover for a story on the business of genetics. At least she? an adult.
MARRIAGE: THE NEW VIRGINITY
One more dirty old man story: 19-year-old Jessica "I-look-14" Alba is now engaged to her 32-year-old co-star on Dark Angel. Sigh. Like Kate Hudson, she? just getting that first marriage out of the way now, before she has any real money to lose. Oh, come on. You know that Kate Hudson marriage is doomed. He? a musician whose band has already seen its peak and she? an actress on the cusp of real stardom. That doesn? equal "till death do us part." That equals her 25th birthday.
I PUT MY MACK DOWN MORE BEFORE 9:00 A.M. THAN YOU DO ALL DAY.
As much as I enjoy the limited wardrobes of summer, there? something to be said for a well-dressed woman---especially the one I saw while walking to work last week. Well-fitting gray skirt, ribbed short-sleeved black shirt and black pumps that clicked on the concrete as she walked. She was curved like a mountain pass, shattering the stereotype that Asian women don? have a swing on that back porch (junk in the trunk, an ass if you must be crude). I was late---as usual---so I quickly passed her moving at an accelerated pace. Both the heels and the snug skirt (upon which she was constantly tugging) served to hamper her movement. Nevertheless, I somehow found myself missing every light, thus allowing her to catch up to me on the corner, where I could admire her out of the corners of my eyes (only losers stare). Realizing that nothing would come of my continued scoping ("Say, baby, how would you feel about blowing off work and coming with me for breakfast at Wendy??"), I resumed my pace---only to be stopped by two co-workers heading in the opposite direction to a nearby grocery store. As they explained their mission, I feigned interest as I watched her clip-clip by, still tugging at the snug skirt. Realizing that it was fated for us to end up together again at the next corner, I resolved to make the most of it. "Excuse me?" I said finally at Broadway and 49th. As she turned to me I removed the white string on her shirt that had annoyed me for the last two blocks. "Fluff?" she said asked. I smiled as I let the string go into the wind and replied, "Now?ou?e perfect." Cue my music. "Color me your color, baby/Color me your car/Color me your color, darling/I know who you are/Come up off your color chart/I know where you?e coming from/Call me/On the line/Call me, call me, any anytime/Call me/In my life/You can all me any day or night/Call me?
HOW NOT TO PUT YOUR MACK DOWN
She wasn? just pretty, she was professionally pretty, so she had a headshot to hand the guy on the subway who was chatting her up. As near as I could see, he was a club promoter of some sort doing his job and trying to get as many pretty girls to attend as possible. At least I hope that was the case, because when it came time for her to get off the train, he had yet to find the card in his wallet he was so desperately searching for, promising instead to call and give her the information. Forgive me, but I think even the most inept playa knows to keep the business cards handy for just such an occasion. And even if it was just business, he was a lousy businessman for the same reason.
IT? CALLED COMPENSATING
In watching actors interact with John Stewart on The Daily Show, it? fun realizing the gulf between them and the characters they play, especially if those characters are smart and funny. The most example was the actor who plays the witty Ed on the show of the same name. He was so lost he didn? even try (Ed McCormack who plays Will on Will & Grace was the smart and funny exception that proves the rule). This reminded me of the article in a recent Vanity Fair, where the writer mentioned an un-named actor she dated who liked to sniff armpits (it was John Cusack, by the way). What also disappointed her was the fact that he wasn? as smart or funny as he was in his movies. What can I tell you? If you want Lloyd Dobbler, you have to go to Cameron Crowe, who wrote and directed Say Anything. If you want Crash Davis, you don? go to Kevin Costner; you go to Ron Shelton, who wrote and directed Bull Durham (they?e married to Nancy Wilson and Lita Davidovich, respectively). That? right, baby! They?e all just actors! You want smart and funny and someone who won? fight you for a mirror, don? look on the abdominal machine at the gym! On the other hand, if you want someone tall and good-looking that?l impress your girlfriends, best stay away from that Writer? Guild meeting.
SORRY TO DISAPPOINT YOU
So the Jennifer Lopez sex tape turns out to have just been a hoax. The fact that she was ready to sue means that she had reason to believe it may be real, so hope springs eternal for all of you who care. But let? face it, unless she did tricks with ping-pong balls and cigars, she?l never live up to our expectations. Whatever it is, I guarantee you two things: lots of ass and lots of "Oh, poppy!" Neither of which is worth my dirty movie rental dollar.
THE SIZE OF WATERMELONS
I suffered through an entire episode of Saturday Night Live to see it suffer from the same failings it? suffered from the last 25 years (overlong skits, dead last 30 minutes). Lara Flynn Boyle was the host and she shouldn? quit her day job, because comedy ain? for amateurs. What amazed me the most were her pre-show interviews, where she spoke of calling David Spade for advice. For those of you who didn? know, she was still dating Spade when she was caught with Jack Nicholson in a car accident. Man, what kind of balls does it take to call up someone you?e publicly humiliated for advice? That? like O.J. using Nicole? parents as personal references.
5/7/2001
"My need for cheese is greater than my need for sex, because I? willing to pay for cheese." --- Me
CGI, MUTHAFUCKA! CGI!
The Mummy Returns opens at number one this week and this is no surprise. The summer race officially begins now and this has at least a full week before A Knight? Tale gives it any competition. Essentially just like the first but lacking---dare I say it?---the same cohesiveness and charm. It starts with a war in Ancient Egypt (with The Rock demonstrating his inability to speak a second language) and never, ever stops. I mean it. Remember the scenes in the first where they sit around a campfire? Not even a moment like that. To the best of my knowledge, even though this happens over a period of days, not one character actually sleeps. Patricia Velasquez, who had one line in Ancient Egyptian in the first, has many lines this time around---unfortunately. If you?e dying to hear Ancient Egyptian and modern English spoken woodenly with a thick Spanish accent, then this is your movie. Supposedly she? a former model. Sigh. Standards are down all over, because the beauteous Rachel Weisz leaves her in the aesthetic dust. Tall, dark, handsome Israeli actor, Oded Fehr, is back as tall, dark, handsome Arab warrior, Ardeth Bay (you have to be the shit to wear black in middle of the desert) and again, I? rather watch him fight the Mummy more than goofy-looking Brendan Fraser, who has survived in Hollywood on the basis of pure charm and three movies: George of the Jungle, The Mummy and Gods & Monsters (Encino Man was the debut and does not count). Everything else has bombed. Even the now all-star School Ties (Matt Damon, Ben Affleck and Chris O?onnell are part of the cast) didn? do that well.
SIZE ISSUES
Drive is down to number two and will probably do well overseas where they love insipid activities that we Americans basically ignore (auto racing, soccer, fading royalty) which is why we run the world. As usual, Stallone spends most of the movie in cowboy boots, trying to hide the fact that he? no more than 5?". Let me put it to you this way: even in cowboy boots, which give him two or three more inches, he still looks tiny next to Kip Pardue, who? no less than six feet.
U.S. VERSUS THEM
Bridget Jones? Diary is down to number three and apparently this movie and it? origin novel are hardly of interest to middle America. A poll recently showed that there was little knowledge and less interest in the heartland---as opposed to both coasts. Well then, we?e even. When Dale Earnhardt was killed you could have heard a collective "Who?" from New York and L.A.,. And you know what? We?e right and those cousin fuckers who watch NASCAR devotedly are wrong. There? a whole world out there where people speak funny languages and eat weird food and until you know this, you really can? mock them and know just how superior being an American really is.
HEY DRINKS AND MONEY FOR EVERYONE---EXCEPT THE KIDS
Spy Kids is down to number four and now that the Writer? strike has been avoided, look for Spy Kids 2 this time next year. Also, now that we?e hitting the 100M mark, I? assuming that anyone who wanted to see this already has, so the surprise cameo at the end is none other than George Clooney. Don? be surprised if he turns up in the sequel as well, even if it is just another cameo. You don? turn your back on a movie that? made three times what it cost, which is the magic equation for making money in Hollywood.
IF AT FIRST YOU DON? SUCCEED, RESHOOT MONTHS LATER
Along Came A Spider is down to number five and the trailer shows the girl being rescued in a completely different way that occurs in the movie. This means they completely reshot the ending. Not a good sign. This means the original ending was either very smart or very dumb.
WHAT ELSE IS LEFT TO SAY?
Crocodile Dundee in LA is down to number six, followed by Blow at number seven and Joe Dirt at number eight.
WELCOME TO THE ALMOST CLUB
The Forsaken is just that at number nine this week and by all rights, Jonathon Schaech should be a star. A tall, good-looking kid, but not part of the generic pretty-boy heap. What? happened? Why has he joined Craig Scheffer (who had the biggest break in the world in A River Runs Through It, but can now be found on cable movies and straight to video premieres constantly) in the almost club (there are too many women to name here, but Virginia Madsen comes to mind, as does Rebecca DeMornay)? Like Michael Pare before them, it? not enough to be tall, good-look and somewhat interesting. You need that creepy Tom Cruise like ability to constantly pick the right roles to compensate for your own complete lack of a personality.
HEY NOW!
Finally, Town & Country closes out the top ten at number ten. Maybe now Garry Shandling will know enough to not only stay away from Warren Beatty, but his wife as well. Between this, Love Affair and What Planet Are You From, any chance of a film career is pretty much over. Go back to HBO. I still love to watch Larry Sanders reruns.
LESS IS MORE
Given that the only two things the Germans do right are beer and cars (genocide really isn? something you want to put on your resume), it only makes sense that an extension of the latter would turn out well. BMW commissioned a few filmmakers to make short films featuring, well, BMW? and a character known only as "The Driver" (anyone who remembers Ryan O?eal? film of the same name give yourself a gold star) called The Hire Film Series. The first, Ambush, directed by John Frankenheimer----who proved he knew his way around fast BMW? in Ronin---is great. He should never be allowed to make a feature length film without car chases again. The next, Chosen, looks like a variation on The Golden Child and is directed by Ang Lee, but thankfully without Eddie Murphy. You can find them at www.bmwfilms.com.
HOT FUN IN THE SUMMERTIME
Summertime is here and my head is spinning around like it? on ball bearings, due to all the exposed female flesh on display on the streets of NYC. I don? know if it? just that I? getting older or that women are simply wearing less (it? both actually), but I now find it impossible to make a single block with out spinning around at least once. For someone as self-involved and generally oblivious as I (hey, when did they put up that skyscraper?) that? quite an accomplishment. If you?e ever wondered how is it that a man invented the brassiere, let me point out that if a woman had done it I? sure she would have made it possible to wear them comfortably in summer. Something that never crossed Mr. Brassiere? mind---thank god. Yes, I look, but unlike my fellow man, I don? gawk, nor do I feel the need to scream out. Sigh. What could be dumber? Seeing an attractive woman wearing next to nothing is a privilege and should be treated as such. Yelling at her is like getting into a movie for free and yelling at the screen. Pretty soon you won? be getting that free show any more.
"IS IT TRUE ABOUT HOW THEY SAY YOU PEOPLE ARE?IFTED?"
Name the movie where that quote came from. Speaking of piggish men who should keep their mouths shut, how much is Cindy Crawford regretting her past decisions? In case you missed it, Shaquille O?eal revealed in a radio interview that he slept with her between husbands. Well, so did Val Kilmer, shithead, but you don? hear him talking about it. Know why? Again, if you open your mouth, you won? be getting a repeat show. Chances are she did in fact already mention it to a friend and there? no better rep a man can have than discretion. Now, no woman who cares about her reputation will give this fool play. Cindy Crawford!?! Damn! I can? get over it! No one, and I mean no one was as omnipresent as she was during the 80? and well into the 90?. As far as I? concerned she was the Queen of the Supermodels---and the only real supermodels were the five in that black & white nude photo done by Herb Ritts in the 80? (with the exception of Linda Evangelista):
Naomi Campbell was too much of a bitch to have the mainstream appeal (and to be honest, being Black and British didn? help); Christy Turlington was seemingly above merchandising herself that way, choosing to actually go to college; Stephanie Seymour made the mistake of getting a boob job rather than getting that nose fixed and Tatiana Patitz was too "model generic" and never caught the public imagination like the others (though she did bag Pierce Brosnan after his wife died). I guess it could have been worse. It could have been Dennis Rodman (ugly and a freak). But that? a small consolation to her husband. You know the fact that she slept with the biggest Black man in America (7?" and 300 lbs.) ain? gonna help their sex life. He wants to ask, but won? because even if it was good (sorry, but he seems too stupid to be good in bed), she? just lie to spare his feelings. Especially about the whole "big Black dick" thing. Look at it this way: even if Shaq has a big weenie, it still looks small compared to the rest of him. Then again, it? not going in my ass.
MR. UNCLEAN
Continuing the theme of loser men, what is wrong with these guys who want their circumcisions undone? Listen, women who sleep with men who are uncircumcised have a higher rate of urinary tract infections. Guess why? That? right, headcheese (a.k.a., smegma)! Face it, to support natural foreskin you must have faith in the average man? personal cleanliness and that is just not the way to bet. Damon Wayans told the cruelest story recently about how he tried to go without circumcising his sons. Unfortunately, they didn? clean themselves and continuously got infections until he was forced to have it done----at six years old. Just do it when we?e too young to remember---and one day kill you in your sleep.
HERE? THE BILL FOR ALL THE TALENT AND LOOKS
It? not just Cindy Crawford, by the way. It seems to bad time to be a celebrity, period. George Harrison, Nikki Taylor, Eddie Van Halen, Ryan O?eal, Suzanne Sommers and Robert Blake are all suffering. Respectively, we?e talking, cancer, a near-fatal car accident (caused by a cell phone), cancer again, leukemia, again cancer and a wife murdered under odd circumstances. So, do you think they? give it all up to have these cruel twists of fate undone? Nah, me either. Hell, would you give up a lifetime of beauty and/or fame in exchange for not suffering horribly one day? No you would not. Hell, half you fuckers would sell your souls for the looks and talent of your average soap opera star, much less to be a superstar musician or model. That? what the whole reality show craze is about: giving celebrity to people who really don? deserve it.
AS LONG AS I LOOK GOOD NAKED, WHO CARES?
In a discussion about how our 30? were taking their toll on our physiques, one of my friends commented, "Well, I still look good naked and that? enough for me." Apparently, a few celebs felt the same and took it all off for Allure magazine. Hey, leave me alone. I was riding the bike for half an hour at the gym (so I might one day look good naked) and needed something to read. Names include Pam Anderson (again?), Megan Mullally (yes!), Vitamin C (not bad but why?) Erika Christensen (the druggie daughter from Traffic being a typical white girl and complaining about having an ass) Gina Gershon (nice) and they even succeed in making Sandra Berhard look attractive, thanks to magic of computers. She almost doesn? look like a man here.
HOW DOES IT FEEL TO BE ONE OF THE BEAUTIFUL PEOPLE?
Speaking of being shallow, I only buy People Magazine twice a year: the 25 Most Interesting issue and the 50 Most Beautiful issue, which came out last week. Now, when are they going to stop pretending to have depth by including people who really aren? good-looking, like the year they had the old broad from Titanic? No one buys People for depth and false sincerity. Let? call a spade a spade and keep the ugly, the old and the mediocre out. Yes, this means The First Lady. She? not ugly, but on a page next to Johnny Depp, she definitely suffers. And Taye Diggs needs to stop saying he? 5?". Soon, he?l be like Stallone, wearing cowboy boots all the time to help maintain the lie.
JUST REMEMBER IT BEGAN WITH JOHN LENNON BEING SHOT
If you need any more proof that the music of the 80? is evil, since I decided to download Y&T (Summertime Girls) and Honeymoon Sweet (Feel It Again, I?e Got A New Girl Now), my computer has gone nuts. Apparently my hard drive reached its level of cheeseyness. And here I thought that once I was able to put Baltimora, Captain & Tenille and Jack Wagner on it, the sky was the limit.
ATTENTION? ALL WE REALLY WANT NOW/ATTENTION/BOY WE NEED A HIT
I saw the new Go-Go? video and they look okay for a buncha old broads. Hey, where? that Belinda Carslile centerfold we were promised? It? not for me. I was never a fan of hers (now if Jane Weidlin wants to get nekked, I? there), but others in my age group are hot for it.
EVIL NEVER DIES
I?e refused to renew my Playboy subscription, but they won? stop coming. Gee, the Playmate of the Year issue is here. Hmmm. What are the chances she? blonde with fake tits? And another Pam Anderson layout coming next month. Looks like it? time to make a threatening phone call: "Hey, Viagra Boy! Stop sending your shit to my house!"
THE BEAST GROWS
My DVD collection is now up to 190 (not counting the porn), thanks to my new additions of The Truth About Cats & Dogs and Working Girl. The latter completes my Alec Baldwin Asshole Trilogy of the 80?. The other two include, She? Having A Baby (rich asshole who uses his father? death to hit on his best friend? wife) and Married to the Mob (guido asshole who cheats on his wife and gets killed for it). In Working Girl he? a fisherman asshole who cheats on his girlfriend and lives, while she goes on to get Han Solo back when he was on Wall Street. He is surpassed only by James Spader, who spent the 80? playing the most evil WASP who ever lived (Less Than Zero, Baby Boom, Pretty In Pink, even Mannequin).
NO SEX IN THE CITY RETURNS
So, after blowing me off for shoe shopping (hey, it? a lot manlier than it sounds), Chasing Amy finally calls and apologizes (two weeks later)---then wants to go drinking. Because I? petty and spiteful, I was going to blow her off, but since I? also a whore, her offer to buy dinner made me agree. We started at Fiddlesticks, the Irish bar and restaurant that was formerly gay bar supreme, Uncle Charlie? (Mapplethorpe used to pick guys up there, that? how in it was) and the bathrooms still have that skanky, "Hi, I?l be Neal if you?l be Bob," vibe to them. For better or worse they?e got actual Irish waitresses. I say for worse because ours was so unhappy I wondered if she were actually indentured ("All roit, Mary Kate, you?l be startin?with the noon to midnight shift and if you don? like it, it? back to Belfast with ya!"). After that it was the dangerous margaritas at Cowgirl Hall of Fame, that have the texture of a Slurpee---but cost $8 and leave you drunk. There we were treated to the sight of The Awkward Lesbian Date. The slightly heavy, well-dressed blonde woman was initially resistant to the advances of the poorly dressed, thinner brunette, but after a few drinks---which she paid for---she seemed to warm up. We both concluded that the brunette didn? deserve to get any. Sorry, but when you?e trying to get some, the least you can do is dress decently and pay for the drinks. We were actually heading to Grange Hall after this, but then Chasing Amy decided she wanted to visit The Apartment (it? a bar). Needing to locate it, I called and?did what I had to do. I also repeated this?eception once we arrived there and found the door locked (it? around the corner from Hogs & Heifers in the Meatpacking district). Chasing Amy was very impressed with it. My deception? Well, in the words of Johnny Storm, "Flame on!" Yes, I pretended to be gay. I let my voice lilt and let out the occasional whine, like I deserved to be there: "Hi-eeee.. We?e outside, but the door is locked." Now that I think about it, it was very wrong, but hey, we got in---unlike the four losers also waiting outside, who failed to make it in when they opened the door for us (one woman was wearing some sort of sparkling jumpsuit for god? sake). The Apartment is a hipper-than-thou bar that prefers you call and make a reservation. Needless to say, you can? find it unless you know exactly where it is. It? very nice and is what its name suggests; a very nice, very, very large apartment. At no time was there ever more than 20 people in the entire place, most of them Eurotrash. It? definitely a chill zo