JANUARY '06 ARCHIVE

GUESS THOSE “MARTIN” RERUNS AREN’T SELLING EITHER

Opening at number one, for which we should all be ashamed, is Big Momma’s House 2. “The want of money is the root of all evil” and this movie is proof of it. Why? Why does this except for someone’s want of money? Were there unanswered question from Big Momma’s House that we needed to address with a sequel? No. And how do you even have Big Momma’s House without Big Momma? The gist of the first film was that he was replacing a woman to get to her granddaughter, with whom he hooked up with at the end of the first film. How do you get Big Momma out involved in another crime in order to justify this? And if Martin Lawrence is desperate enough to do this, you know Will Smith is ducking daily phone calls over Bad Boys 3. With Hitch doing $368M worldwide (easily making good on its $70M budget and beating I, Robot which only did $347M with a $120M budget), he doesn’t need it or this short, ugly man. Notice Paul Giamatti could no longer whore himself after attaining a new degree of critical respect. It would have been an easy payday, but he’s not here. But poor Nia Long is. Sigh. And to think, she had the nerve to complain about being “Black Girlfriend” in every movie. Then what are you doing here, baby? Oh, that’s right the mysteries of a condom escaped you, so now you’re a single mom and can’t afford to turn down a paycheck, be it Third Watch or Big Momma’s House 2.

IT OFFENDS MY SENSE & SENSIBILITY

Nanny McPhee opens at number two and is this the answer to the question “What if Mary Poppins Were Ugly And Didn’t Sing?” It would take a gun to my head to make me see such a cloying, such an English, such a precious family film. While I’m sure Emma Thompson and Colin Firth had a good time making it (while in a typically dry English humor way they will rip on the kids in every interview), I’m equally sure it would be miserable of me to see, even though she wrote it.

OF COURSE SHE CHOSE POORLY; SHE’S BLONDE

Underworld: Evolution is down to number three and another thing missing from this was the collection of separate personalities. In the first you had Bill Nighy as the vampire elder, Viktor; Shane Brolly as the backstabbing Kraven, whose bad acting was an experience onto itself; Michael Sheen as Lucien, the werewolf leader and even the smaller roles like the head of the vampire security (best known from Snatch), the Renfield-like werewolf scientist, and the werewolf soldier, Raze, who was actually a co-writer of the first film (not here for the second, which would explain some of the limitations). The point is, interesting supporting characters are part of what made the first film work. You were entertained even when the two leads were not onscreen. One of the best scene stealers was Sophia Myles, as the ambitious vampire Erica. She’s not here either. What else was she doing? Tristan & Isolde. Yeah. Exactly. Granted, it was a leading role, but as the saying goes, “There are no small roles; only small actors.” She would have been better off supporting and looking the better actress compared to, Kate Beckinsale.

ONLY TWO THINGS COME OUTTA JAMES FRANCO: GOOD TV AND BAD MOVIES…AND THIS WASN’T ON TV

Speaking of the disaster that was Tristan & Isolde, James Franco is making a play to being the next Michael Pare with his choice in roles. Remember how Michael Pare should have been someone, but never rose above “C” level even at best, though he continues to work to this day (he’s now the dad of one of characters on South Beach, which must hurt like hell)? Well, James Franco is constantly working by people who love him and think he’s going to be the next big thing, but all his movies seem to suck out loud and this apparent remake of An Officer and a Gentleman seems no better. This seems to be some studio execs idea of “What if everyone in An Officer & A Gentleman were pretty and not just Richard Gere? Screw talent. We want pretty.” Which is how you have Tyrese instead of Lou Gossett Jr. and Demi Moore clone Jordana Brewster (whose mother was a freaking Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Model COVER GIRL) instead of Debra Winger (whose career was obviously allergic to the sperm of her husband). The only thing these two films have in common is that the Navy refused to be associated with either one. But what former Abercrombie & Fitch model plays the doomed idiot best friend? And is there a hideous ending theme song that will be played at white trash weddings until the end of time?

AND I GET THE SEX SCENES FROM NEXT DOOR FREE ALL THE TIME

Hoodwinked is down to number five, followed by Brokeback Mountain at number six and James Franco may be the new Kevin Bacon as his former co-star from Freaks & Geeks, Linda Cardellini, is also in this as another frustrated female love interest. She won my heart with her drunken, stoned rendition of “Push It” in Grandma’s Boy and I’m going to point out she should have been Lois Lane in the new movie until it comes out and you all agree with me! But it just drives home the conventional wisdom, that, if he’s cute, funny and you get along with him, he’s probably gay. Even if he’s a cowboy. And if I’m going to see this, someone’s gonna have to make me, because that two hour running time is totally killing me. 90 minutes and I would have long since been there… Okay, that’s a lie. The Squid & The Whale is only 80 minutes and I still haven’t see that either. Sorry, I’m just not drama bound these days. My life is too miserable to pay to see someone else’s suffering.

DUMB NAMES DO NOT A CAREER MAKE

Glory Road is down to number seven and the most successful person in this film is now Emily Deschanel, who is the title character of the Fox show, Bones, which I don’t like, but always find myself watching because there’s nothing else on against it. Also, I like her crew of geeks that she works with, who seem to have separated the hostile, sex-obsessed and dweeby aspects of my personality into three separate people. Funny, because her sister, Zooey, who was also “the sister” from Almost Famous, was supposed to be the one who made it. Much was made of her singing voice in Elf, but not much has come of it. Well, not unless you count The Hitchhiker’s Guide To The Galaxy and you really shouldn’t.

“LADIES FIRST” “U.N.I.T.Y” AND OTHER THINGS NO ONE REMEMBERS

Last Holiday is down to number eight and remember when LL Cool J was the hot young stud guy? Well, that means you’re old. Like me. It’s oddly funny that he and Queen Latifah are the stars of this film (he’s her love interest). I’m sure the shoot was filled with lots of memories about what it was like in hip-hop in the 80’s in NYC, which is pretty goddamn good time to have been in hip-hop. It was still fun and Puffy was just that asshole who got people killed at a concert. Ironically, Latifah had a very lame career. Name one song she ever did. Yeah. Exactly. She was more a personality than genuine star. In fact, the best thing she was ever a part of was one of my top hip hop songs of all time: De La Soul’s “Buddy.” And it must be the 12” Remix! It was De La Soul, The Jungle Brothers, A Tribe Call Quest, Monie Love and Latifah (not to mention the people in the video, which included people like DJ Red Alert). And this reminds me: we should add “Jennifah Taught Me” to the list of Jennifer songs and they mention Jennifer in “Buddy” too. I told you. They’ve damaged more musicians than drugs. You know what? Because I love “Buddy” so much, here are the “12 Remix” lyrics (ironically missing Latifah’s dialogue at the end):

Dove:              
Meany, meany, meany, meany, meany (Say what?)                   
Meany, meany, meany, meany, meany (Say what?)                   
Meany, meany, meany, meany, meany, meany                   
(Oh, you gotta do that again, Dove)                   
Meany, meany, meany, meany, meany (Say what?)                   
Meany, meany, meany, meany, meany (Say what?)                   
Meany, meany, meany, meany, meany, mean (OK)                   
Hello, it's the Soul                   
Troopin in with the Jungle patrol                   
And this ones about the KO's, the knockouts out there                   
Who I call my buddy                   
Hold up (Wait a minute)                   
Pos:                   
Now just wait, we're gonna talk about Buddy on this plate                   
But before we let the herd out the gate                   
Make sure the levels are straight out the jungle                   
(The Jungle, the Jungle, the Brothers, the Brothers)                   
Afrika:                   
De La Soul, from the soul                   
Black medallions, no gold                   
Hangin out with Pos, hangin out with Mase                   
Buddy, buddy, buddy all in my face                   
Mike G:                   
For the lap, Jimbrowski must wear a cap                   
Just in case the young girl likes to clap                   
Ain't for the wind but before I begin                   
I initiate the buddy with a slap                   
Phife:                   
Now drop the beat, for the Phifer from A Tribe Called Quest                   
When I see Buddy, I will never half step                   
I'll just do her Tribal style and then jet                   
The Buddy that I like is to be sexy and nice                   
Just good enough for the one they call Phife                   
A brown skin Buddy with shoulder length hair                   
Nice firm breasts and a round dairy-aire                   
Q-Tip:                   
Now for the next, I'm the Q-Tip from A Tribe Called Quest                   
And when I quest for the Buddy, I don't fess                   
For my jimmy wants nothing but the best (the best)                   
The best (Ooh Wee!)                   
Let's stick out the jimmy and see what we can catch                   
(Stick 'em up, stick 'em up jimmy)                   
Next won't be needed unless (Jenny wanna get right to the flesh)                   
Afrika:                   
Dancin on the dance floor                   
Girl, it's you that I adore                   
Step off stage, they scream for more                   
Native Tongues got rhymes galore                   
Mike G:                   
Snap my fingers, make you mine                   
If not, I'll snap a second time                   
After that, I guarantee                   
You will be standing next to me                   
Afrika:                   
Fly buddy (buddy) don't you know you make me go nutty (nutty)                   
I'm so glad that you're not a fuddy duddy (duddy)                   
Not too skinny and not too chubby (chubby)                   
Soft like silly putty                   
Miss Crabtree (Crabtree) I hope that you're not mad at me                   
Cuz I told you that it was your buddy (buddy)                   
That was making me ever so horny (horny)                   
Junglelistically horny                   
Pos:                   
I won't lie, I love B-U-D-D-Y                   
Cuz I never let it walk on by                   
When it comes to me and Jenny, I seem (very serious)                   
Like a big friend                   
Buddy is an act that occurs on the lip                   
When Jenny and Jimmy start shootin the gift                   
Boy let me get shot, I won't even riff                   
Dove:                   
On the dial, my Buddy talks to me for a while                   
Plug Two is the (Q-Tip: Q to her Tip)                   
On the A-side or sometimes the flip (word up)                   
Buddy, is the bud to my daisy tree                   
And the luuden to my do-re-mi                   
And the pleaser to my man Plug Three                   
(Plug Three gets the whole caboodle)                   
Mike G:                   
Behind my bush, my Buddy likes the way that I push                   
And like a champ, just knock it on out                   
Never ever once sellin out (Well let loose the juice)                   
My Buddy helps me to (De La my Soul)                   
Keepin Jimmy in total control                   
Without Buddy, I'd be on a roll                   
Monie Love:                   
Now as the lady                   
I thought that Jungle and Quest and Soul would just maybe                   
Give me the chance to say that I get crazy                   
Due to the fact I let Buddy amaze me                   
As a matter of fact, it pleases me in many ways                   
I decided that it was time for Monie Love to say                   
That when it comes to the three, you know that I don't play                   
Cuz to me chasin Buddy is the perfect way (perfect way)                   
To spend the day (to spend the day)                   
Q-Tip and Queen Latifah:                   
Oooh child, things are gettin a little easier                   
Oooh Buddy gets easier (yeah)                   
Oooh child, things are gettin a little easier                   
Oooh Buddy gets easier                   
Q-Tip:                   
Girl, I heard you're lookin for some good times                   
If you Quest from the Soul, here's what we'll find                   
Whole lotta fun, lots of fun together                   
Just like kissin cousins(Yeah, that's kinda clever)                   
Close like bosoms, bosoms stay close                   
If you be my Buddy, I won't toast                   
That we're like Ethel Mertz and Lucille MacGillicuddy                   
You can be mine and I can be your Buddy                   
Dove:                   
The best Buddy's in evening wear                   
Long lovin less Tru know (he's in there)                   
I feel sorry for those who pay a fare (a fee?)                   
Word to the D                   
I don't beg, I just tease my Buddy with my right leg (ha-ha)                   
And when it's ready what's said is Buddy is best in bed (Word to the D)                   
Afrika:                   
Buddy buddy told us all to get into a circle                   
Said don't bug because I won't hurt you                   
All I really wanna do is freak you (You know what? She freaked us)                   
Mike G:                   
And I watched and then I checked my Swatch to see the time                   
The Soul had formed a Buddy line                   
And that Buddy was mine, all mine                   
Pos:                   
Now when Quest, Jungle and De La Soul                   
Is at the club, our ritual unfolds                   
Grab our bones and start swingin our hands                   
(Then Jenny start flockin in everywhere)                   
Cuz Jennifer just wants to stay aware                   
Yo fellas, should we keep her aware                   
(Mmm, Hmm...yeah!!!)                  

CAREER ON , CAREER OFF

The Chronicles Narnia are down to number nine with The Matador closing out top ten at number ten and I’ve said pretty much all I have to say about this, but Greg Kinnear will forever be an E! success story, despite never having a hit on his own. Yeah, he scored an very undeserved Academy Award nomination for As Good As It Gets, but since then it’s been a collection of smarmy WASPs. He’s like the A-list version of William Zabka, aka “Johnny” from The Karate Kid. Yeah, you remember him. He pretty much spent the 80’s playing that role over and over again. Ironically, he too was nominated for an Academy Award in 2004 for Best Short Film, but he probably deserved his.

MEN AT WORK

So, this weeks top ten is late because I just finished 14 straight days of working somewhere and a 60 hour work week and if you don’t like it, I suggest you get off your asses and find me a real fucking job because I’m now working full-time Saturdays and Sundays for the near future! Now, I don’t want to work hard, or wear a tie or do any overtime or do anything really boring that requires meetings and I need at the very least $50K. Now…GO!

THE KIDS IN AMERICA

So, after two weeks of trying, The Libertine finally got me out---on a Saturday night no less---for dinner with a few of her friends. The thing about hanging out with young people is trying not to giggle. And I don’t mean “with” them either. It’s when some seriously mentions “their blog” or something they posted on “My Space.” I really, really am old, because this just sounds so silly to me, but it’s as serious as say…a love note you wrote someone in study hall or your high school poetry. Yeah, see. Now you’re giggling too. Yes, I know it means I’m old that I don’t understand how the internet is such a part of their lives. And it may seem strange, given that I had a website long before a lot of this started, but honestly, cyber-relationship means "no relationship" to me. But you kids, you keep on keeping on, expressing outrage over a lack of response to your posting on myspace.com or regarding with utmost seriousness the contents of your blog, but old folks like me are incapable of caring. I mean, if I cared that much, don’t you think there’d be fewer grammatical errors here?

MEN DON’T MAKE PASSES AT ANNOYING GIRLS WHO WEAR GLASSES

Okay, the Return of Lisa Loeb continues, as now I see her “Best of” being offered on late night TV. Um, don’t you need more than one song to have a “Best of”? She had one. ONE! Basically, she’s made a career out of one song and essentially being cute in glasses, which are a serious fucking affectation when you think about it. Do they always have to be those fucking Cats Eye type? No. But my interest has increased tenfold now that I know Surrogate Sister’s ex-boyfriend is going to be in 3---count ‘em, 3----episodes as one of her dates. Bear in mind my Surrogate Sister is almost ten years my junior and met her boyfriend in college. And Lisa Loeb is how old again? 37? Yeah, this is going to be fun to watch. And I will call her after every episode to give her shit, as is my brotherly duty.

MONKEY ALWAYS FUNNY

So, I finally remembered to tape Love Monkey and filming in NYC automatically gets big points from me (as does anything with the word “monkey” in the title). In fact, they were filming a block away from me last week. And the show is pleasant enough, but then again, so was Ed, his last show, where he played essentially the same character. But Ed grew old fast with all the forced whimsy and this may suffer a similar fate as it’s also just a little too perfectly cute. And this whole thing they’re leading up to with the best friend and the hot girl he works with better be resolved once and for all by season’s end. Not to mention, the hipster cred thing also gets old fast. Oh, he still listens to vinyl. Bullshit. No one who really loves the sound quality of their music is choosing vinyl over CD. Especially when every play wears it down just a little bit more. Now, if he came home from a long day and savored the difference in vinyl over CD while having a glass of wine, then I’d believe it. And others will point it out, but being a successful nice A&R guy is like being a successful, nice lawyer. It don’t exist. And poor Lorenz Tate. A few years ago, he was going to be the next Black leading man---then they noticed he was only 5’4”. Now, he’s happy to be a token on TV. The least they could have done was made him a fellow music guy. But the show does get points for making Jason Priestley’s weight gain the subject of jokes and pointing out that Ed was, in fact, a suit, no matter how much of rebel hipster he thought he was.

KING MUTHAFUCKING GEEK, YOU BITCHES

So, I’m closing the comic book store and some of the other employees and their friends are talking about a bunch of bands that all took their name from Star Trek, but one they didn’t understand was the band “No Kill I.” Before I could stop myself, I rattled off that was what the Horta wrote in the ORIGINAL Star Trek episode, “Devil In The Dark.” To which he laughed “Whoa. Geek checked.” Someone kill me, please.

NOW THE DEATH OF LINDA LOVELACE MAKES SENSE

Chris Penn died and is this really a mystery? Fat, drunken drug user. Do we really need to call Batman, Quincy and CSI away from dinner for this? And you just know Madonna used this as an excuse to call Sean Penn. Yeah, he was technically family at one point, but her second marriage lasted longer than first, so this should should be done by now. But it ain’t. And Death continues her rampage by taking porn star Anna Malle (get it?) in a car crash. Death wants you to know she considers masturbation entertainment, so anyone who helps you do it is also fair game. So, if you enjoyed either Footloose or Gangbang Girl 14, she’s taking even the people who co-starred in it (the real star of Gangbang Girl 14 being Vanessa Chase, who was a personal favorite of mine as she looked remarkably like the French Arab Girl who vexed me for a few years).

1/23/06

MONSTERS? SURE. ZIPLESS FUCKING? I THINK NOT.

Underworld: Evolution opens at number one and this was no surprise to me considering I had to go to three theaters before I found a showing Friday night that wasn’t sold out. The studio didn’t screen this for critics and I have no idea why. It’s no great shakes from the first. But like like all sequels it suffers because what was once new is now old and what’s more they take us away from even that. Part of the fun of vampires is that they’re sexy and decadent and Underworld reflected it with its “goth chic” and a cast that was plenty easy on the eyes---so much so I was bothered there wasn’t any sex. Well, after the first half hour of this film---which literally takes begins half an hour after the end of the first---Kate Beckinsale and Scott Speedman fight off humans and vampires and then get down to business. It was too short with not nearly enough nudity in my mind (why is it English actors do full-frontal nudity in England, but suddenly get shy in Hollywood where they’re being paid more?), but at least it was there. And if you like Scott Speedman, let it be known that his shirt comes off in the first half hour and keeps coming off, so there was no pizza for him during this shoot. But while I can accept vampires and werewolves, I cannot accept the ease in which Kate Beckinsale’s skintight outfit is removed. I’m supposed to believe it’s just a corset over a rubber jumpsuit that zips on and off? Please. It takes ten men and a contraption originally designed by DaVinci to get that thing on and off. And while there is finally sex, the other lost bit of fun was the vampire/werewolf war itself. In this one it’s our heroes fighting off the father of all vampires (and his brother, the father of all werewolves). All those werewolves and vampires you saw in the first are MIA in this film, so what we have is your standard run, chase, and fight movie. This isn’t to say it still isn’t a fun movie, but not as much fun as the first. What we thankfully don’t lose, but by all rights should considering he died in the first, is Bill Nighy. Thanks to a flashback sequence we get to see him again, but this only drives home the point of how much he’s missed.

THE UNIVERSAL SIGN OF LAMENESS

Hoodwinked is down to number two after actually winning last week, and not that you needed more proof this blows, know that Andy Dick is another cast member. Yeah. Toldja.

GOD FORBID YOU GET YOUR HISTORY FROM A BOOK

Glory Road is down to number three and also in this in a supporting role is Derek Luke. Apparently, starring in Antwone Fisher did about as much for his career as starring in their first big roles did for Colin Farrell and Heath Ledger, which is to say, nothing. After playing a running back in Friday Night Lights, he’s back now playing a basketball player here. Do you think he and Josh Lucas ever sat down and talked about how they were supposed to be stars three years ago? Oh, and the story is crap. The team already had three Black players before the coach started and another team that won the championship also had Black players, so he was not the world changer they make him out to be.

ONE BIG PITY PARTY AND WE’RE ALL INVITED

Last Holiday is down to number four and yes, this is how far Timothy Hutton has fallen. He’s now the Uptight Jerk in a comedy. Who else is amongst the wreckage here? Giancarlo Esposito, who was actually cheated out of a shot when Fox showed no support for the excellent comedy, Bakersfield P.D. Alicia Witt, who was positioned to be a Hot Young Thing a few years back (lost the role of Mary Jane to Kirstin Dunst, which still annoys me), but changes so dramatically when her weight fluctuation, she was all but unrecognizable between the most successful movie of her career, Two Weeks Notice, and her most famous appearance, as the Hollywood chick who bones Christopher on The Sopranos. And remember Michael Nouri? Yeah, he’s here too.

LOOK AT ME, I’M A BIG GIRL NOW!

Brokeback Mountain takes a Golden Globes leap to number five and also in this and Hookwinked is Anne Hathaway, who definitely takes a step forward at breaking her squeaky clean image by appearing in a “controversial” indie film, she’s obviously not going to turn down a check and blow off Hoodwinked. I guess that’s why she bared her boobs and fucked a Chicano gangbanger in the straight-to-video movie, Havoc. I predict her next move will be to do an explicit sex scene in an indie film with a gay Chicano cowgirl. Maybe then you people will take her seriously!

JESUS LOVES…YOUR LACK OF IMMUNITY AND RICH FOREST LAND

Fun With Dick & Jane holds at number six, followed by Chronicles of Narnia at number seven, with another Christian film, End of the Spear opening at number eight. It’s the “uplifting” story of how the children of Christian missionaries who were killed by a tribe of Ecuadorians they were trying to convert, eventually succeeded, actually befriending the killers of their parents. It’s considered a triumph because they tribes were actually on the verge of exterminating themselves with blood feuds. Well, I hate to be cruel, but that’s Darwin at work, no? A stupid culture was wiping itself out. No more stupid culture, more room for the rest of us. But okay, let’s be good people and save them. But note the only way to stop their self-destruction was with a loss of their own religious identity. It was not even an option to save them with their culture intact. Oh, no. Convert to Christ, or die, you ignorant savage. And the introduction to outside diseases that also occurred? Well, we won’t talk about that. Deforestation and industrialization wiping you out anyway? I can’t heeeeear yoooooou!

LUCKY/BASTARD

Hostel is down to number nine, but that’s okay, it made it’s made its money and Jay Hernandez’s agent now has job security for getting him this gig, as he was doomed to supporting roles after playing Kirsten Dunst’s love interest in crazy/beautiful, where he played a football player. Next, in The Rookie, he played a baseball player and in Friday Night Lights he was also a football player with Derek Luke. Before Hostel, his last starring role was in a prequel to Carlito’s Way, which is proof of how sad minority audiences are, as we support the hell out of gangster movies to the point where that was actually made. The fact that Al Pacino was fucking playing Puerto Rican meant nothing.

HOW DARE I EXPECT FUN FROM A FILM

Finally, entering the top ten at number ten is The New World, a retelling of the Pocahontas/John Smith story by Terrence Malick, one of the true auteurs of film, having only made four films in the last thirty years. And I could care less. Seriously. He could make one a year, or never make another and I could give a shit. Just as I could give a shit about this film. The mere fact that Colin Farrell is in it means it blows. Sorry, but his track record speaks for itself. Not to mention it looks soooo serious, I doubt if it doesn’t collapse under the weight of its own self-important austerity. It’s this the attitude that keeps me out of the serious-minded film club. I’ll go to three theaters to see vampires and werewolves have sex, but I won’t lift a finger to see this.

NOW SHE’S AS OLD AS THOSE DAMN VINTAGE GLASSES

Just how fucking old is Lisa Loeb and how long can she parlay this alt-rock-pixie image she’s had since I was in my 20’s? In my mind both she and Natalie Imbruglia benefited from Winona Ryder’s then-status as the most-wanted-child-woman (who was then replaced by Alicia Silverstone, who was then replaced by Britney Spears, who has now been replaced by Lindsay Lohan). As far I’m concerned they were both Winona Ryder with a pop single. Well, nothing much happened for her after “Stay” (unless you count boning David Duchovny) so here she is on E! in her own reality show about dating in New York called Number 1 Single (get it?). To her credit, she looks good, but despite her bullshit “I’m in my 30’s” she nonetheless looks every minute of her 35+ years (but while she may complain about the weight gain, it looked good to me). But because fate is cruel, she’s head-shoulders-above her Phi Beta Kappa sister. Someone got the looks and talent and fame and someone got the brains---and a healthy case of low self-esteem that manifests itself in dressing like a slut. Then Adam Goldberg shows up and makes her look even better in comparison. Next, is her creepy-facial-haired ex-producer, ex-boyfriend and after a certain age, you’re just dumb to put so much effort in trying to show how different you are in that way. Ileana Douglas also shows up and drops some serious NYC knowledge on her: you cannot meet men downtown. Walk your dog on the upper east side is what you do. And that means something, because Ileana, while I love her, is neither young, nor conventionally attractive. If this is where she says the men are, that’s where they are. Next, Pamela Des Barre sets her up and I have to ask, aren’t you worried letting Pamela Des Barre kiss you? No? Okay then. Of course the guy is a loser, but if he were good, she’d stay in LA and we’d have no show. And it gets sad quickly, as she’s fairly open about her desperation for a husband and family, arranging for an online date and in scenes from the second episode is walking around in a thong (but it’s a thong and boots, which again, looked good to me).

MY FAVORITE PICKETT SONG: I’M IN LOVE

Wilson Pickett gone, but honestly, given how crazy he was, it’s a miracle he lasted this long. Tony Franciosa also died and the sad irony there is that is was once married to Shelly Winters.

GIVING ANGRY, SHORT GEEKS EVERYWHERE A HERO…OUTSIDE OF ME

I love Seth Green. I’ve loved him since he did his hip-hop white boy in Can’t Hardly Wait. He was the best part of that film and half a dozen others and later went on to do Robot Chicken, which totally fucking rules. Because of this and because it’s on right after Will & Grace, I watched Four Kings. Yes, it blows. First of all, you’ve got a cast of four guys…who are all ugly. What the fuck? I mean Seth is your ugly guy and maybe one other, but at 50% of the cast should be easy on the eyes, no? Not this fucking sitcom. Not funny and everyone is ugly. Seth Green manages to squeeze some life out of his lines, as the angry, paranoid buddy, but he’s the only one. Order another headstone for the NBC Thursday night graveyard. You can put this one next to The Single Guy and just give my boy his own show.

TIG OLE BITTIES (AND IF YOU DON’T UNDERSTAND, ASK A BLACK PERSON)

Okay, so I didn’t talk about The Golden Globes because I actually never watch the Golden Globes and watching awards shows is a social experience even for me. You’re supposed to be with a group of friends drinking and yelling at the screen. I need my geek girls for that (or a bunch of gay guys), because ordinary people would look at me strangely when I yelled out about Virginia Madsen “Okay, they’re big and they’re real. We get it already!” Or about Evangeline Lilly, “Yeah, it’s pretty…pretty boring.” Or about Pamela Anderson, “The only thing worse than a skank ho is a skank ho trying to be modest. Take a lesson from Melanie Griffith who looked like a skank ho, complete with her skanky daughter next to her, who was obviously pissed at not being allowed to dole out blowjobs backstage like she’d planned.” And only women (and gay men) would howl in pain with me at the sight of Drew Barrymore, who obviously has no friends, because no one with the slightest affection for her would have let her go out like that. Even once at the awards show, a real friend would have dragged her into the bathroom and called out on the cell for a bra to be delivered. I mean that was just nasty. That’s the kind of shit you’re only supposed to subjected to if you’re married to her. And she blew it on SNL by flubbing her lines. Comedy is played straight, dear.

OF COURSE MY DREAM JOB IS TO BE A PILLOW RESTRAINT

I don’t say much about my time in the video store, because oddly enough, it’s what’s keeping me sane in relation to how much I’m hating real estate at the moment. I get paid to deal with something I actually like, but I don’t have to do it so much that I start hating it too. But I don’t get my comics the day they come out any longer. That part of me has died. I just don’t care that much any longer. I guess it’s like being in porn. When you get paid to bone, chasing tail loses its urgency. And while I have mentioned the odd trend of the actually attractive geek girls who come in, I’ve noticed something else about them. If they’re gothy geek girls, or alt-rock chick geek girls, they’re usually with a boyfriend. However, if they’re normal-looking, girl-next-door types, they are alone---and go into the porno comic section without hesitation or shame. For some reason they scare me most of all, because it means beneath that calm exterior is someone as fucked up as any dipstick that doesn’t understand you can’t wear a Batman t-shirt to a formal event. But something else I’ve noticed is, while geek males may come in all races and creeds, their girlfriends are 90% Asian. That part, however, just makes me laugh my ass off.

1/15/06

SPOILER ALERT #1: I talk about Match Point this week and reveal the ending---which is already revealed in the trailer and commercials. So skip it if you don’t want to know. And let us begin…

SADLY OUR COACH WAS NOT A DIVORCED SINGLE FATHER LOOKING FOR REDEMPTION

Glory Road opens at number one and let’s face it: there’s an against-all-odds story for every team in every high school or college in the nation. Hell, even with my limited athletic background there’s one. When I played, it was in the city league where your parents pay, so you have to have to be on a team. The guys who were really good, played on a different team in a different group. One year, the men who ran it all decided to put together a team where the guys who were really good would play with the rest of us schlubs, essentially creating a team of ringers. I was on a team like the rest, thrown together at random---and we won the whole damn thing. See? Now, does that deserve a movie? No. Okay, maybe the first all-Black team to play in the NCAA Finals does, but it’s a dubious honor if you’re Black, because it also means a stereotype was born. Suddenly, every coach in college basketball is thinking, “I need some negroes too!” And they weren’t wrong. But this is an attempted career saving for Josh Lucas, who hasn’t quite blown up after Sweet Home Alabama like many expected him to. Even he admits it’s been a little disappointing. Well, start choosing better scripts than Stealth, Josh, which was literally Short Circuit III: We’re In the Army! Or anything with Jennifer Lopez, as the The White Guy Love Interest (where she joins Matthew McConughey, Ralph Finnes, Michael Vartan and Ben Affleck, none of whom are currently drowning in career success). An inspiring true story now joins the family film and horror film as short-cuts to success. The movie is more the star than you. If it fails, it’s not your fault. If it succeeds, you benefit. This is why everyone does it at one point. Except Tom Cruise. And Tom Hanks.

FUNNY HOW NO ONE WANTS TO JUST GET LAID BEFORE THEY DIE

Last Holiday opens at number two and this whole “I think I’m dying” comedy will never be better when Jerry Lewis and Dean Martin did it in Money From Home and even then it was a scam (and a remake). Wouldn’t it be a twist if they were really dying? But then you open the door to maudlin death scenes and I’d rather have generic comedy than generic drama. This is too bland to inspire even the most modest of resentment. It’s like that cat or dog that rolls over onto it’s back when it thinks you’re mad it---and how the hell does that work in nature? It must be like the meow of a cat, which they do only for humans and doesn’t really occur in the wild. Because nature has no room for creatures that surrender. Where was I? Oh, yeah, Queen Latifah in another “take the money and starring role and run” movie. Like so many others, rather than wait and try and make the best movies possible, they use their moment of fame to take the biggest roles with the biggest money as quickly as they can, because it will be over in five minutes. On one hand, I totally understand, but if money is what you want, then what you want is a nice TV show that brings in the cash every week and into the infinity of syndication. I’d think Latifah would know that. Then again, she was on Living Single, which isn’t even being run on BET. And they reran Robin Given’s lawyer show, Sparks, like it was fucking Friends. You’d think that show had twenty seasons of episode instead of half of one the way they ran it.

FOR ALL YOU PUDDY FANS…

Hoodwinked opens at number three and remember our discussion on the crap level of most animated films? Well this is kind of the poster child for them all. It looks horrible. This derivative of Shrek (which was no great shakes to begin with) is trying so desperately for hip irreverence, you can practically feel the flop sweat coming off the screen. And what’s the biggest sign of crap animated product? Needing to sell even the Non-A-List stars (Glenn Close, I love you, but it’s been 15 years since you even came close to an “A”). Even before Pixar, Disney never, ever sold the stars. They still don’t. But this crap not only tells you who the stars are, but now shows you in the commercial, going for those morons who can’t even picture someone by name alone. And who the fuck gets up to see a film because of Jim Belushi anyway? “Oh, I wasn’t going to see that crappy cartoon, but now that I know Jim Belushi is doing the voice of a minor character…honey, start the truck.”

MONEY TALKS, FAITH IN ONE’S PRODUCT WALKS

Chronicles of Narnia is down to number four and the sequel has only now been greenlit and it shows you the difference in confidence between this guy and Peter Jackson, who got a full commitment for all three Rings films. Not with Disney, baby. They want results before anything. This is especially dumb considering children change physically every thirty freaking days. Hell, they probably weren’t the same by the time this film ended, much less when the next one starts at whenever time. Unless the books are about them aging like Harry Potter (which they might; I’ll die before reading even one), this is going to be a problem.

MARK THE DATE ON YOUR CALENDARS…YOU SAD BASTARDS

Hostel is down to five and they’ve already got the sequel in the pipe for release this time next year for all you people who didn’t get enough torture room sequences this time around (though I’m sure there’s an unrated DVD also coming, you sick fucks). Just as Saw II upped the ante, expect twice as many people to be tortured next time around in new and more explicit ways. Probably some women as well, because some idiot somewhere decides it’s not fair to leave them out, despite this being one of the few films where they aren’t slaughtered.

THIS CHANGES NOTHING; THEY ALL REMAIN EVIL

Fun With Dick & Jane is down to number six and how happy is Tea Leoni that Cameron Diaz dropped out of this film so she can maintain the illusion she still has a career? Going blonde and getting a suspicious breast enhancement (pregnancy benefits or Dr. 90210?) will ultimately be for naught. Sadly, it’s probably only in scrambling for a replacement last minute that they were forced to go with an age appropriate wife for Jim Carrey, rather than Cameron Diaz who was too young for him the first time they teamed up back in The Mask (when she was curvy and not so skanky looking). And while I’m loathe to admit it, I liked Tea Leoni back when she was a redhead on Flying Blind, a show few remember but I will buy on DVD the moment it comes out. I’ll put it right next to Ned & Stacey on my shelf.

RANKS RIGHT UP THERE WITH RICHARD GERE AS LANCELOT

King Kong is down to number seven followed by Tristan & Isolde which opens at number eight and it took all I had not to see this, because the legend of Tristan & Isolde has been incorporated into the Arthurian myths like many other Celtic legends (Gwain once stood on his own as well) and I’m a bit of an Arthur whore. I was willing to overlook the entire “WB-ness” of it all (I like James Franco, but who are we kidding?), but could not overcome the two-hour running time. I’m sorry, but I find it hard seeing good movies that are two hours long, much less something I know beyond a doubt will be crap. In case you don’t know, Tristan is a knight who goes to retrieve a bride for his uncle and virtual father, King Mark. Isolde has a love potion to help her in the marriage, but it’s accidentally ingested along the way and they become lovers. Because he loves him, Mark only has Tristan exiled and Tristan then marries another Isolde (of the White Hands). When Tristan is wounded, the first Isolde is summoned to help heal him. If she’s coming, the ship will bear white sails. If not, black sails. Because she’s jealous of her namesake rival, Isolde of the White Hands, tells Tristan the sails are black, so he gives up and dies. The sails were actually white and after learning Tristan is dead, Isolde also dies of despair. King Mark then has them buried side by side (of course, in Malory’s harsh Christian version of the legend, Mark murders Tristan by stabbing him in the back). Needless to say, with a plot like that, it’s a pretty popular opera. Since I sincerely doubt the studios would greenlight a story like that, I have the sneaking suspicion the ending was changed for the 16-year-old girls they’re obviously trying to lure in and had horrific flashbacks to Sean Connery as King Arthur being shot with a crossbow by Ben Cross and then turning over Guinevere and the kingdom to Lancelot (for that alone Julia Ormand deserved to have her Hollywood career fail). Shudder. This is going to have to wait until cable next year, where I may oddly enjoy it on a Saturday afternoon.

LOVE IS BLIND, BUT IT CAN OBVIOUSLY COUNT

Brokeback Mountain holds at number nine and Michele Williams plays the wife of Heath Ledger and is now his real-life baby mama. This means Naomi Watts and Jennifer Anniston should have coffee one day, except that it was Naomi who was openly jonesing for a child---only to break up with Ledger and see him go knock up girl who while more age appropriate for him (unlike Brad Pitt, who wasn’t having any aging ovaries around his aging sperm), was hardly as attractive. So it must be love, right? And now they live in Brooklyn, ‘cause indie money---even critically praised indie---don’t get you Manhattan.

THE END…THANK GOD

Finally, Cheaper By The Dozen 2 closes out the top ten at number ten.

SPOILER ALERT #2: THIS IS WHEN I TALK ABOUT MATCH POINT

Ever since Crimes & Misdemeanors was released, Woody Allen has been talking about how it would be a better movie if he took out the half he was in and just left us with that depressing, tragic Martin Landau story. Well, he’s finally done it in Match Point---which means you know how it ends. Hell, if you saw the trailer you know how it ends. I hate to say it, but Woody Allen continues to show his actual ignorance with this belief that somehow, drama is superior to comedy. Anyone can tell you a sad or depressing story; only rare individuals can tell you same story and make you laugh. Not to mention who leads a humorless life? Cops see the worst shit in the world but have the best sense of humor. Only someone who’s never really seen the dark side of life clings to this conceit that humor is a failing. You know, someone who’s never had a real job and has led essentially a charmed professional life held in such high esteem that even boning your girlfriend’s daughter doesn’t damage it. This is not to say Match Point is a bad movie. It isn’t. It’s a decent movie, but only great in comparison to the crap Woody Allen has been churning out since the late 80’s. Unlike most, it ended for me with Hannah & Her Sisters, as the next film after was Radio Days, which was the childhood scene of Annie Hall expanded to a full length. That was our first clue he was creatively out of gas. Even in this film, the characters are hardly multi-dimensional. The rich English live like a fantasy of rich, English life. Country clubs, mansions in the country, going to the opera or art galleries, chauffeured everywhere. And there’s foreshadowing with a mallet as we see Jonathan Rhys-Meyers reading Crime & Punishment in bed at the beginning of the movie. Sigh. Unlike Martin Landau, who started off in a position of privilege in Crimes & Misdemeanors, Jonathan Rhys-Meyers starts off as a former tennis pro looking for stability teaching at an elite country club. From there he works his way into the bosom of a very rich family who seem happy to have him, from the son be begins teaching (Matthew Goode, who is bright spot in the film, rich good-looking and enjoying the hell out of his life to the point where I half expected Matt Damon to show up and kill him) to the daughter he eventually marries to the father who gives him a job in the company. The fly in his ointment is the brother’s fiancée, whom he can’t resist. She’s played by Scarlett Johansson, who is finally looking like the hottie people have been insisting she’s been for years (big boobs and full lips do that for you). If you want a sign just how far this is from originality, know that they have their first tryst in field. In the rain. Yeah, there’s no new ground being broken here unless you count the sight of people actually fucking in a Woody Allen film (but if you think you’re gonna see Scarlett’s boobs, hang on to that dream). A year later, after he’s married the sister and the brother has broken up with her, they begin the full-blown affair she declined to enter into initially. This is when things get tense, as she wants more from him. And this also when the misogyny Woody Allen has been perfecting since he was traumatized by Mia Farrow’s anger over him fucking her daughter rears its ugly head. Oh, it’s there beforehand in small doses. The mother in the rich family is a snobbish bitch and the daughter is weak and a bit needy, but with Scarlett Johansson, Woody Allen reasserts his belief that women who aren’t happy with just having your dick in them are shrewish harpies whose only fate is to die. Their sheer annoyance makes them more deserving of punishment than anything you might have done. Then again, Woody Allen suffered no punishment for his “crime” so his point of view may be well-earned (and when was the last time you saw Mia Farrow?). And I may owe Joaquin Phoenix an apology for his English accent in Gladiator, as Jonathan Rhys-Meyers not only looks but sounds like him (if Phoenix weren’t fugly as hell). But Woody Allen get no big points from me for this other than I may actually see his next film set in England.

DEATH UPPING HER GAME FOR THE ‘06

That Death has claimed Shelly Winters says one thing to me: Mickey Rooney watch out!

WHAT YOU WANTED TO BE VS. WHAT YOU REALLY ARE

Okay, so I saw Justin Diamond and Sam Shepard in the street. No, not together. And if that doesn’t seen an odd juxtaposition, maybe I need to remind you that Justin Diamond is “Skreech” from Saved By The Bell. Yeah, now you see the humor in it. But Sam Shepard…once he was everything I wanted to be: a writer and a man. Sadly I failed miserably at both, but was oddly successful at being Screech. Yes, it’s realizations like this that keep my local liquor store in business.