REASON TO BE EMBARRASSED #506 (AND THAT’S JUST THIS YEAR)
Madea’s Family Reunion opens at number one and as a person of color, this is as embarrassing to me as opening up the paper to read some Black kid has murdered some hardworking immigrant or elderly person for Chinese food or $20 to buy Chinese food (or watching Puffy or Russell Simmons try to talk about politics as they struggle with their speech impediments to speak English). I mean, why haven’t we risen above this? Then again, it’s the nature of every minority to support their crappy movies. Greeks went out in droves to see the shit that was My Big Fat Greek Wedding. Gays can’t stop making the same “Hey, I’m gay” movie over and over again and apparently it makes money every time otherwise they wouldn’t keep getting made. And Black people support this shit. This is one of rare times I’m glad bootlegging exists. The less money this shit makes the better. And speaking of gay, why are people pretending Tyler Perry isn’t as gay as Christmas? Then again, most Black people won’t admit Luther Vandross was gay either. The cast list of this reads like Who’s Who of Black Actors Your Recognize But Don’t Know By Name. And you know it has to be killing Blair Underwood, who had his shot at the brass ring, to end up in the Ralph Bellamy role in Something New a few weeks ago and this now. He wasn’t able to take working with Steven Soderbergh and Julia Roberts anywhere, nor was he able to do anything with being on Sex & the City when it was the hottest show on TV. I get the feeling he’s got the same agent he’s had for 20 years because the guy got him his first big role and doesn’t realize this guy can’t take him any higher. Pretty soon Blair’s gonna be playing the dad to some sassy teenager on TV.
BETTER ASK BE PRETTY BOY’S SIDEKICK FROM THIS POINT ON
Eight Below drops to number two and also in this, trying desperately to save a once-promising career, is Jason Biggs of American Pie. Following the inexplicable success of that film he used his heat for a few starring roles, a Wood Allen film and Broadway. In other words, he utterly fucking wasted it. The only bright thing he did was to continue to do the sequels, thus insuring at least something in the “win” column of his career. After this you know he’s telling his agent, “Next time I’m the star with the dogs! Not the pretty boy!”
CRAZY IN LOVE…WITH THAT JELLY
The Pink Panther is down to number three and while I do like Beyonce (I have to admit, “Crazy In Love” can get my old ass up on a dance floor), can she not go away for a little while? I can’t miss you if you’re not gone. Between Destiny’s Child doing the “Cher Farewell” and her turning up in this, which comes after not just her her solo album putting her everywhere, but also the final Destiny’s Child album, it’s been too much! Saturation levels have been reached despite that fact that with every passing release she shows more skin. And if you every doubted my heterosexuality or my Blackness, know that I loves her big brown thighs. Damn!
THERE WAS NOBODY LIKE WILLOW OR TARA WHEN I WATCHED GIRLS LOVE GIRLS
Date Movie is down to number four and who thought the one female out of the aforementioned American Pie cast to still be working regularly would be Willow? Then again none of them was really pretty (no, frat boy, Elizabeth is not pretty) and she built a healthy cult following as Willow (and genuine gay following, because those weren’t the type of lesbians straight men like to see), not to mention being realistic enough to go for supporting work and not the lead…until now. And while this isn’t a blockbuster, it only cost $20M to make (probably $30M with advertising) and has made $33M so far before DVD. Not to mention she’s still got a supporting role on that crap TV show that all critics strangely love. You know why they praise Doogie Houser on it? Because he’s the only fucking funny thing on it. And don’t get me started on yet another all-White New York City. Yet another reason to continue hating Friends.
THE DREGS OF FEBRUARY
Curious George is down to number five, followed by Firewall holding at number six and Final Destination 3 at number seven.
IN THE UK WE’D CALL THIS “SHITE”
Doogal opens at number eight and this is a mystery to me, but I’m sure Jon Stewart is going to be able to make a lot of good jokes based on it next week, so that alone justifies its existence. But you know this is crap, right? How do we know it’s crap, class? Because they promote the actors supplying the voices in the commercials, that’s why. Also, it’s a character popular in England. Need I say more?
PRETTY MEAN STREETS
Now, I know I keep saying I’m going to see Brokeback Mountain, but it was I just was not up for heavy drama after having to spend yet another Saturday in the office (my new schedule is now Tues-Saturday and if you think having Monday off is good, realize people are a lot less shy about calling you in on a Monday than they are a weekend day) which is part of my latest 14-day run (I’ve worked 39 out of the last 42). So this is how I wound up watching Paul “Pretty Boy” Walker play DeNiro in Running Scared, opening at number nine (gee, did you do this for your daughter as well?). A pretty DeNiro. A tall, blonde pretty DeNiro who can’t act and boy was he not acting in this. Coming from the Winona Ryder School of “If I Drop My G’s I’m Workin’ Class” (if you’ve suffered through her patronizing portrayal of a cab driver in the all-but-forgotten Night On Earth, you know what I’m talking about) Walker plays a small time hood in New Jersey who has to find a lost gun or he’s dead. This is by no means a good movie, but it is a fun mess. The director is obviously a fan of Reservoir Dogs and The Matrix because this is all about criminals, graphic violence (actually rendered less horrific by the constant use of CGI to depict bullet wounds) and bullet-time camera action. And if you didn’t think Jersey was bad enough, this movie shows it as a low-life pit of crooked cops, mobs running wild, albino pimps, softhearted hookers and murdering child molesters. Actually that last one contains the most effective piece of camera trickery. The boy who actually takes the gun from Paul Walker to shoot his John Wayne-loving Russian Mobster stepfather accidentally winds up in the hands of a husband and wife team of murdering child molesters. When the boy goes to the bathroom to call for help, their shadows on through the glass wall are made to look like preying monsters. It’s very effective (fucking scary actually) because 1) it’s totally unexpected and 2) it’s not over-the-top like every. single. other. aspect. of this film. The action is over the top, the violence is over the top, the characters are over the top, the cursing and yelling is over the top, Paul Walker and Vera Farmiga as his wife are over the top trying to maintain their Jersey accents (to their credit, they do look like that hot couple from high school who had to get married when he knocked her up and because she only had one kid young enough, was able to keep her figure). In one scene she goes from “This ain’t right, Joey!” to “I’m scared and pissed in equal measures!” What. The. Fuck?. No working class mob wife uses the phrase “equal measures.” Hell, outside of Princeton no one in the whole fucking state uses measures as a noun! And Vera Farmiga (who isn’t pretty enough for all the comments made about her in this movie, but I’ve lusted for her since her role on the excellent but unjustly brief Touching Evil) has no excuse as she’s from Jersey and says she grew up in a Slavic ghetto. She should know a million girls like this if this is true (which I doubt). And make sure you stick around for the closing credits to see the entire movie retold through illustrations. No, I’m not kidding. The writer/director is also an obvious fan of the graphic novel (aka big, overpriced comic book) and I wouldn’t be surprised if this weren’t originally intended as one.
THE MOVIE EVENT OF 2006!
Finally, closing out the top ten at number ten is Freedomland. Time for Snakes on a Plane, Sam! Snakes on a Plane! You know he did that movie based solely on that title without reading it? Apparently it’s how he chooses all his films. There’s not other explanation. Then again, “Coach Carter” doesn’t really call out to me.
YOUR MISSION, SHOULD YOU CHOOSE TO ACCEPT IT
Okay, who’s taking me to see Brokeback Mountain? I have to see it before it wins some shit at the Oscars, but I simply cannot make myself. I’ve got Wednesday night and possibly Thursday and Friday night, but I’ve got to see it and one of you has got to make me.
BUT WHERE’S DIRK BENEDICT!?!
Have I mentioned lately how fucking much I love Battlestar Galactica? Now, as I said before, as an old school geek, I ripped the very idea of remaking them show rather than just wrapping up the old plotlines (pretending like everyone that Galactica 1980 never happened). And for all their vaunted “modern edge.” I noticed that the hot aliens are blonde and Asian and even the sex switch of Starbuck resulted in a blonde. Fortunately, the writing was top notch enough to overcome all this. This is Farscape good and another sad reminder how much the Star Trek franchises got worse with every passing incarnation. The idea that the Cylons are actually religious fanatics who believe in one god while the humans believe in multiple gods is inspired. Granted there are typical TV clichés, such as soldiers onboard Galactica committing treason and even killing people, but still back in their regular jobs next week like it never happened because they are the main cast members and can’t be replaced, but the very subtle way in which some sub-plots are handled are just great. The growing romantic relationship between Apollo and Starbuck has been delicately handled and down-right heartbreaking at times, and became a triangle and recently a square with the type of understatement that so-called “real dramas” would be lucky to have. But what really gets me is that they actually show some respect for the old crappy show by using taking a lot of the old plots (not to mention giving Richard Hatch a job as a bad guy and using the old music as the military march). The big laser gun? Check. The trip to planet Kobol to find the way to Earth? Check. Apollo’s death wish, which was an amazing piece of intelligent characterization for such a cheesey show? But the absolute best part is the updating of the old episode where Lloyd Bridges played a gung-ho commander of another battleship that survived and didn’t want to run, but stay and fight. Again, they switched genders, but they took it to a whole new level by having her be an iron-fisted “the ends justifies the means” batshit crazy admiral, who shoots crew members in the head for disobeying orders, drafts civilians by killing their families, lets her crewmen rape a female Cylon prisoner for amusement and at the end of one episode was about begin a shooting war with Battlestar Galactica over the right to execute people. So much good geeky fun I can’t tell you. Why am I going through this again now? Well, I’m watching about 8 episodes in a row thanks to my DVR build-up and the DVD’s I bought off eBay so I could catch up.
I’M TRYING TO PRETEND MR. FURLEY DIDN’T EXIST
Don Knotts is dead and so is Darren McGavin and it’s the latter which affects me the most, being a geek. And fuck Yahoo News for saying “Dad from A Christmas Story Dies”. The Night Stalker is gone! Kolchak, muthafuckas! Kolchak! Without Kolchak there would be no Mulder, no X-Files! And ironically, they were both in one of my favorite kids movies: No Deposit, No Return. I loved this movie as a kid, but I’m sure if I saw it today it would suck out loud.
02/20/06
SEE, HE CAN MAKE A MOVIE WITH HIS SHIRT ON
18 Below opens at number one and Paul “Pretty Boy” Walker has successfully stopped his skid from potential leading man to potential guy-to-lose-the-girl-to-actual-leading man-in-romantic comedy. A younger, prettier Bill Pullman if you will or a younger, prettier latter day Ralph Bellamy. And in the tried and true way, he did it with a family film. From fucking Disney no less (it had to be live action because he lacks the talent to be a voice). He says he made this movie for his daughter. Yeah, only if his daughter is named “career” (actually it’s “Meadow” yes, “Meadow Walker”). Somewhere Cuba Gooding Jr. is wondering why he caught shit for his obvious payday from Snow Dogs while Walker gets a pass with this. Well, Cuba, maybe it’s because Walker didn’t have a fucking Oscar
GETTING BEAT BY A DISNEY DOG MOVIE? NOW THAT’S FUNNY
Date Movie opens at number two and while “two of the six writers of Scary Movie” is a pretty funny joke, it appears to be the only joke present. That extended clip of Allyson Hannigan in a fat suit pulled a groin muscle it was trying soooo hard to be funny (and wasn’t really funny the first time when Ben Stiller did at the end of Dodgeball). And how out of date is that Jennifer Lopez joke? Britney Spears driving with her kid generated more news than JLo’s whole freaking wedding. And while this may seem blasphemy from a writer, it’s not good when you see writers suddenly jumping into the director’s chair. It’s one thing to be a writer/director from jumpstreet, but it’s something else entirely to wake up one day and take the reins. As good a screenwriter as Robert Towne was and even though all his films “look good” they suffer from someone offering an alternative point of view (like maybe, “Bob, this script needs some fucking work.”). Also, while I hate to admit it, also missing are The Wayans who apparently were the reason the Scary Movie franchise worked. Dislike them though I may at times, Keenan does have a talent for comedy, having been more responsible for Hollywood Suffle’s success than Robert Townsend obviously was.
YES, YOU COULD ACTUALLY SEE THEM FROM THE BALCONY
The Pink Panther is down to number three and what is Kristen Chenoweth doing in this? More importantly, however did the producers of this movie talk her into appearing in a bikini in Stuff Magazine? Why did Stuff Magazine agree? I mean, yeah, she’s got real boobs the likes of which you rarely see (and she’s only four-freaking-eleven), but she’s almost forty and is primarily a theatrical actress. Unless they’re truly, truly obsessed with breasts (and it wouldn’t be surprising) or secretly gay (also unsurprising for frat boys), it makes no sense they pushed whatever latest 19-year-old former child star looking-to-be-taken-seriously-by-posing-like-a-whore off the cover for her. Maybe that’s why she did it. After a lifetime in theater she wanted to be seen by men who would actually want to fuck her.
AT THE END OF THE DAY, IT’S ALL ABOUT CHICKS
Curious George is down to number four followed by Final Destination 3 at number five and Firewall at number six and also in this is Paul Bettany, who has made the smart move and gone supporting actor recently. This way he gets paid, gets exposure, gets to show range and most importantly gets to escape blame when the film tanks because he’s not the star. Even better, when you’re the villain, you get a chance to steal the film and be considered the best part about it (see Rickman, Alan). For all you DaVinci Code fans out there, he’s going to be a bad guy in that as well and with Tom Hanks in the lead, it’s pretty much going to be a license to print money for all involved. But even that is nothing compared to the fact that he gets to go home to Jennifer Connelly.
AND JUST PLAIN OLD “JESSICA ALBA’S ASS”
Freedomland opens at number seven and maybe I’d have seen this if almost the entire freaking movie hadn’t been in the trailer, least of all the hints at a “twist” in the story, thus ruining any chance of it being a surprise. And we’re just getting to the point where, if Samuel L. Jackson is in it, it sucks. Especially if it’s a mainstream studio film, because the man would obviously appear in your home video if paid him. Apparently, not working with rappers is the last standard he has left. But I cannot tell you how hyped I am to see his movie, Snakes on a Plane. Yes, that is the title and when they tried to change it, people got pissed. You will never find a more absolute perfect title for a movie than Snakes on a Plane. What’s it about? The struggle for power amongst the Nazi party in the dying days of WWII. IT’S ABOUT SNAKES ON A FUCKING PLANE! What a better world it would be if all movies simply stated what they were really about. Of course this would mean half the movies released last year would have the words “Jessica Alba’s Ass” in them. “Jessica Alba’s Ass in Tight Blue Lycra” “Jessica Alba’s Ass Wet and Hanging Out Of the Back of A Bikini” “Jessica Alba’s Ass In Chaps.”
THE END
When A Stranger Calls is down to number eight, followed by Big Momma’s House 2 at number nine and Nanny McPhee closing out the top ten at number ten.
BAD MUSIC MEANS BAD SEX
A Scott Stapp/Kid Rock sex tape. I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again: why do only the sex tapes of skanky people make it out? Next thing you know, there’ll be a Whitney Huston/Bobby Brown tape, which will heterosexuality as we know it. Where’s that Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt sex tape? How about all the new ex-husbands letting their tapes slip out? Rob Estes and Josie Bissett, Jonathan Schaech and Christina Applegate, Rebecca Rojmin and John Stamos. Am I supposed to believe that none these people have the pathetic vanity that prompts setting up a camera? That Ed Burns went through Heather Graham, Lauren Holly and his current wife, Christy Turlington without ever thinking, “I have got to have proof I hit this.” These people are freaking actors! Of course they believe their boning needs to be immortalized! Now, we know Vanessa Williams learned to fear the camera, so we aren’t going to see anything from her ex-husband, Laker pretty boy Rick Fox, but where are the sex tapes from Halle Berry and all the no-name pretty boys she keeps dating and marrying? Am I supposed to believe Charlie Sheen never talked Denise Richards into something? If you’re seen the 45 second preview of the tape you know it’s so skanky, you can almost smell the stale beer, cigarettes and groupie sweat. It’s enough to make you believe porn should be illegal if it leads to exposure to shit like that. For me, it’s only made it clear just why all-girl porn is best. Everyone is young and everyone is pretty. You can keep holding out for Scarlett Johansson and Josh Hartnett to make a tape now that they’re dating or a Demi Moore/Ashton Kutcher tape, but me, I’m going to go rent Girls Love Girls and call it a day.
ITSY BITSY, TEENY WEENY INTEREST IN THAT BIKINI
Speaking of girl-on-girl action, remember when the Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Issue was big news? It actually came out last week. Did anyone notice? Did anyone care? Truth be told, I never had much interest in it beyond my youth and the infamous shot of Cheryl Tiegs in the see-thru suit. Soon after that, I discovered pictures of totally naked women (my parents also got me a subscription to Playboy at 13, crazy-ass liberal baby boomers) so I could give a shit about girls in bikinis. I was brought back into the SI Swimsuit world by women. They say the issues sells better than any other, but what I don’t think they realize is that women are part of the reason why. Women I worked with would give me money and send me off to buy the issue for them. To this day, whenever it comes around I feel the urge to commune with some of my girls (not my geek ones, the ones who actually were cheerleaders and beauty queens) over it. I think the lack of interest has to do with competition. Now, you can get half-naked models in every issue of the faux-porn like Maxim, Stuff and FHM. Suddenly the urgency is gone. And the “Making Of” show has gone from being on NBC to TNT down to Spike TV. What does that tell you? Not to mention the era of the supermodel has peaked, so who gives a crap who gets the cover any more (I still remember idiot model Carol Alt declaring “It’s a real coop to get the cover.”)? And they cheated this year, having a bunch of past models on the cover as some sort of “reunion” Sorry, but didn’t they just do the serious reunion a few years go with everyone who was anyone, from the aforementioned Cheryl Tiegs to Christie Brinkley to Tyra Banks? Compared to that, this is a joke. And so much for trying to get real jocks in. All they have is the would-be heir to Anna Kurnokova, Maria Sharpova. Apparently, every other female gymnast, basketball player, soccer player, skater, swimmer and runner was too busy. Also, the woman who ran it for Sports Illustrated for years is gone and it pretty much died with her departure in my opinion. But I will not front. A tall, thin, attractive woman with a disproportionately sized breasts in a bikini is still nice to see and nobody does it better than Sports Illustrated---but I prefer all out naked. I’m old school like that.
ONE WITH THE FORCE NOW
Remember what I said about Death letting no one who’d ever entertained you sliding under her radar? Well, you geeks are not exempt. In one week she took the guy who played Luke Skywalker’s uncle (Phil Brown, who was freaking 89) and the one-armed man from the The Fugitive movie who was also a regular on Babylon 5 for years (Andreas Katsulas).
ADVENTURES IN BABYSITTING
Finally, I’m now on “babysitting reserve” for Movie Buddy ’98 and her little girl. When no one else is available, I hop on a train down to Wall Street and where I once dogsat (she’s gone to that big open meadow in the sky) I now babysit. Of course if I’m sitting, I’m going to begin subverting the minds of your children and just as I’ve given out Superman, Superman’s dog and horse, Supergirl and Elektra Barbie dolls and Bat-Mites, Movie Baby ’04 got a little bean beanie-baby Mugato last week. Star Trek fans immediately know what that is, while others are thinking the Will Ferrell role from Zoolander (which was Magatu). No. The Mugato looks like an ape with white fur, a horn on its head and spikes in it’s back. It’s from the episode “A Private Little War” (a thinly veiled Vietnam war episode) where it attacked him and only the chieftain’s slutty wife (we know she’s slutty because she’s sexy and has dark hair) could save him with her own blood and some creepy ass root that moved. I know it seems odd that Superman didn’t come first, but 1) there are many different areas of geekdom and they all must be shown to the kids, and 2) technically I did with the Krypto I brought for the baby shower. Besides, I’m kinda waiting for the wide array of merchandising to come once they start pushing the new movie. I figure finally there’ll be children’s clothing to buy again. Oh, yes. All your kids are going to be getting a piece of that! You can’t hide from Uncle Angrygeek!
02/13/06
I DIDN’T EVEN LIKE THE PINK PANTHER CARTOON
The Pink Panther opens at number one, which is really surprising because this isn’t exactly the movie for a young audience and I hardly think Beyonce brought ‘em in. No, this was the old guard coming out to see a beloved character whose appeal I never understood, but then again, I’m not a fan of “laugh at the moron” comedy. My brother has a theory that “comic genius” usually means “not funny.” In the case of Peter Sellers, I must agree with him. The only time I’ve ever found him funny is in the “best of” Pink Panther clip movies where they run all the fights he had with Kato back to back. That made me laugh. The rest just leaves me cold. And Steve Martin apparently knows no limits to his whoredom. He’s determined to die with as much money as humanly possible, regardless of how he has to earn it. Now, I know I said I understood, given how the public ignored Bowfinger, which was the funniest Steve Martin and Eddie Murphy had been in decades, but even my understanding towards the utter ignorance of the American public has limits. And know that the director of this is his Cheaper By the Dozen director who is a hack of the first magnitude, whose artistic high point was undoubted the episode of 21 Jump Street he directed 16 years ago.
THE CRAP IS OUT THERE
Opening at number two, but I have a sneaking suspicion this will change after the final tallies, is Final Destination 3, because there never seem to be enough teenagers to kill. But if all these idiot kids are dying, where do all these dumbass adults come from? This series was created by two of the writers from the X-Files and it’s very obvious when you think about it. You can just see the episode: Mulder and Scully go in to investigate a plane crash in small town where a group of kids who suddenly departed before take-off are all dying one by one and Mulder says it’s because they were meant to die on the plane and Death is still claming them. It would have been better than the movies and taken up less of your life. I watched the first one on video and was instantly put off by the stupidity that was never part of the X-Files. The police think one kid is killing the others off---which might have worked HAD ONE NOT BEEN HIT BY A BUS IN FRONT OF WITNESSES! So that pretty much assured I would not be seeing any more. Besides, it’s just for people who get off on creative deaths. You know, you people who got off on Saw II. This movie is just one giant snuff film. It’s not about being scared, but how “novel” each death can be. Aside from the stupidity, there’s no depth to any of this. Here’s a thought: why not explore why some people get these premonitions and try to save the others? If Death is a force that claims its due, perhaps there’s a “life force” opposing it granting certain people the ability to avoid it. This is something Mulder would have thought of and explains why these guys worked for Chris Carter and Chris Carter didn’t work for them.
HE’S NOT THE MANCHILD IN THE YELLOW HAT
Curious George opens at number three and who doesn’t have a soft spot for this? Anyone born after a certain time grew up reading Curious George, thus teaching us from a young age that “monkey” is indeed “funny.” I like how they tried to keep the animation true to the books, but when I think of how The Man In the Yellow Hat sounded, it sure as hell wasn’t Will Ferrell and that kind of kills it for me. In my mind he was English and even if he wasn’t, he wasn’t a goofball like Ferrell. They obviously started this film a few years ago when he was at his hottest, instantly telling you they were putting stars before storytelling, which makes no sense considering you’ve a built-in audience for this movie. Plus there are songs by Jack Johnson, who annoyed me on sight in a Dave Matthews kind of way. Disney and Pixar wisely walked away from music years ago and have never done better. Part of why they’re still on top (at least until the abysmal-looking Cars comes out).
JLAARP
Firewall, or as I like to call it Grandpa Fights The Bad Guys, opens at number five and say what you want about Clint Eastwood and his habit of casting young women as his love interests (and I have), at least he still played an old man when he did it. Harrison Ford is 64 and still playing early 40’s; 50 at best. And the same damn role: The Outraged Righteous Hero. I know if it ain’t broke don’t fix it, but at least Sean Connery played the mentor to the hero and not the hero himself after a certain period. Apparently Harrison Ford is above this. But not for much longer given how this opened behind a crappy slapstick remake, dead teenagers and a cartoon monkey. In February no less. Had it been any good they would have held it until the summer or released it in December. And what suspense do you have in this movie when every commercial, every trailer shows him turning the tables on the bad guys, which means until that happens, the movie really doesn’t start? It’s just waiting with all the pretense of suspense. I know Virginia Madsen is smart to grab the big budget movie money and exposure while she can at this second chance at the brass ring, but bad movies like this will burn off that newfound cred as quickly as she got it. You got your second chance with quality indie, you need to keep indie in your diet.
EVEN A BROKEN CLOCK IS RIGHT TWICE A DAY
When A Stranger Calls is down to number five and this was directed by Simon West, hackmiester supreme from the Jerry Bruckheimer School. He also directed Con Air, The General’s Daughter and the snorefest that was Lara Croft Tomb Raider. However, he did do another of my favorite never-got-a-fair-chance TV shows, Keen Eddie. It had the rare twist that the hero cop was actually a professional whose ability to get the job done does not go unnoticed by his superiors. Also, there was no stupid “Let’s just you and me go into this warehouse by ourselves, partner” activity. When busts occurred they were like real life, with an entire team of cops behind them. It’s very sad this attention to detail was applied more in a comedy than on “serious” dramatic shows, like CSI Miami where apparently there are no actual homicide detectives so the lab people have to do their work.
BROKEBACK 11
Big Momma’s House 2 is down to number six, followed by Nanny McPhee at number seven and Brokeback Mountain at number eight and you can tell how well a film permeates the popular culture by its incorporation in the social lexicon. Now, to describe something as “brokeback” is synonymous as “gay” which I find hysterical (“Yo, man. That shirt’s looking kinda brokeback to me.”). Also, the increasing number of film parodies to be found online. My two favorite have to be “Brokeback Squadron” which uses footage from Top Gun---already one of the gayest movies ever made---to show the real relationship between Maverick and Iceman, and “Brokeback To The Future” which uses the footage from the western third chapter of Back To The Future to show a relationship between Dock and Marty. Given how strong homoeroticism is in so many movies, this could go on forever. Given that fan-fiction originated with Star Trek and tales of Kirk and Spock gettin’ it on, I’m surprised Star Trek 8: Trying To Quit Spock hasn’t popped up. No to mention the relationship between Brad Pitt and George Clooney in Ocean’s 11.
THE END
Hoodwinked is down to number nine followed by Underworld: Evolution closing out the top ten at number ten.
30: THE BEGINNING OF THE END OF YOUR YOUTH
So, at the tail end of yet another 14 days straight of working, I was planning to go home and start cleaning off the TV shows clogging up my DVR (especially Battlestar Galactica, now that I bought the episodes I missed off eBay). But The Libertine decided this was the n opportune to begin her plan to destroy me. See, she’s a redhead now and thems the rules. Go red, kill the geek king. She was well-prepared too, instantly torpedoing my primary excuse by telling me it was in my neighborhood. Also it was the 30th birthday party of a mutual friend, Around The Way Girl’s former roommate when she actually lived around the way (she’s now uptown). He also used to date The Libertine and is the reason I also met Dorito Cheeseburger Woman. In fact, any gathering he’s a part of is bound to be filled with some interesting women (last time it was the lawyer turned yoga instructor), even if they do sometimes hate his guts. I’d only planned to hang for a polite hour or so, but then The Libertine started buying my drinks (sooo trying to kill me) and the dining room turned into a dance floor. Next thing I know it’s 2:00 am. Thankfully, the place closed then and I used it as my excuse to go home (I had to work the next day). The kid, however, headed off to another place that didn’t close until four. My legs were hurting after just a few moments dancing, so you can imagine how I felt the next day. I’m simply too old for this shit. And horribly out of shape in general. If only I could still afford my gym. At least the swimming would have kept my legs up. And where there is The Libertine, there are the Germans with whom she works and while they’re very good at invading Poland, they cannot dance.
VANITY UNFAIR
I let my subscription to Vanity Fair lapse and the Hollywood issue pretty much justifies it. You know if a straight guy had done an issue filled with naked female celebs and clothed male ones, he’d be justifiably roasted, but a gay guy does it and it’s…just fucking confusing. I know gay men love beautiful women but this is a bit much. It’s not that I don’t appreciate the naked women either (Joy Bryant! Yessss! Angelina Jolie! Again? Sienna Miller! Um, who cares?), but my liberal leftist component simply won’t let me enjoy this unbalanced equation. If everyone is pretty, then everyone should be naked, not just the women. As everyone knows Rachel McAdams was supposed to be the third gratuitously naked girl on the cover but smartly declined (ironically, she’s getting just as much attention for not doing it). Supposedly, they also wanted Jake Gyllenhaal who has a shot inside to also be the third person naked on the cover, but that’s bullshit. No way a guy whose biggest film is him playing gay going to turn down an opportunity to look virile heterosexual by being naked alongside two of the hottest young female stars working. His agent and publicist would have dragged him down there roped and bound if that offer was real. But all you women who thought gay guys were automatically on your side? Let that illusion go. A gay guy is still A GUY and will exploit you just like some guy who actually wants to bone you. But what’s really surprising about the lack of nudity amongst the men, is that when you finally have the one guy who does disrobe, and deserves to disrobe, it’s a shitty photo. Do I have to tell you who the one semi-nude guy is? None other than my man-crush, Taye Diggs. You know that the real problem is? While Tom Ford is gay, he wasn’t the photographer; Annie Liebowitz was (her relationship with Susan Sontag was conviently left out of virtually every obituary on Sontag when she died two years ago) and gay women don’t have the same appreciation of men the way gay men do of women. This why she was happy making all the naked women look gorgeous (Scarlett Johansson is literally glowing on the cover) but could obviously give a crap about the men, making no effort to get them to naked and when one guy is, the picture sucks. Now, Herb Ritts was gay and if was still alive to do these shots everybody would have been naked and gorgeous.
A BAD HABIT THAT REFUSES TO DIE
How long before they just give up on The Grammys and move it to basic cable like Monday Night Football and Miss America? Aside from the fact that the Grammys are back to their “we know them, they’re successful, so they win” ways after a self-preserving attempt to stay relevant, it’s just another long, boring awards show. I recorded it on my DVR so I could skip to the musical numbers, but even that got boring. I enjoyed The Gorillas, but what was gained by putting them with Madonna, other than to give her touch of youth? But she’s going to make me start doing yoga again. But I guess when your husband is a decade younger and works with pretty young actresses every day, you can’t afford to be off your game for a second. I could care less about Coldplay. Isn’t their moment of being the “next big thing” over yet? Same for Joss Stone. It’s been at least two years of push for her and nothing. Let it go. John Legend bores me senseless with his “earnest” music. And don’t think Bruce Springsteen’s does any better. God knows country means less than nothing. Don’t they have their own awards show anyway? So why waste time here? My hated for Kanye West runs through my veins like the acid blood in Aliens. If you cut me while I’m thinking about him, I’d burn you to a crisp. And like Madonna before him Jamie Foxx just looks old next to someone young. And fat too in that drum major outfit. And why does it go on for so long!?! I’m old so Paul McCartney actually doing “Helter Skelter” actually makes me smile. I’m pretending he didn’t do yet another forgettable song before that. But his pairing with Jay-Z and Linkin makes no sense to me at all. “Yesterday” was never a part of the Jay-Z/Linkin Park number they were doing. This “young/old” pairing they keep trying has become nothing but old now and it doesn’t get any better with Herbie Hancock and Christina Aguilera. Yes, she can really sing. We all know that. What’s she’s lacking in her voice are nuances of experience. What happened to inspired pairings like Moby and Jill Scott few years back? And who the hell are these people onstage for Sly Stone and his crazy blonde mohawk? Why is Aerosmith singing at a Sly Stone tribute? Where are people who actually perform funk? Where’s Prince? Where’s Nikka Costa, who grew up with Sly Stone as a family friend and ripped off his “Family Affair” for her song “Everybody’s Got Their Something”? And will you people please stop encouraging Maroon Five to think they have soul? Not to mention it’s not a Sly & The Family Stone reunion without Larry Graham. You know what they say about the road to hell being paved with good intentions? Well, the tribute to the music of New Orleans just added another mile to that. Knowing Madonna booted Mariah Carey from the opening number makes me smile, while her big gospel performance where she needs to hit every note on every octave just makes me hit fast forward. The highlight of the show for me? Teri Hatcher’s dress. Even with her boyshorts (honey, the point of a sheer dress is to make people at least “think” they can see everything even when they can’t).
IT’S THE MYTH OF TITHONUS, YOU MORONS
Death’s entertainment rampage continues taking the second half of the married neighbors on The Jeffersons, Franklin Cover and Peter Benchley, the author of Jaws. Somewhere Mickey Rooney weeps, regretting the bet he won with Death that gave him eternal life, but forgetting to ask for eternal youth as well and will become a cricket by 2012.
IT’S FUNNY BECAUSE IT’S HAPPENING TO SOMEONE ELSE
I don’t know whether to laugh or feel sorry for Wayne Gretsky learning his hot little Barbie doll wife, Janet Jones, has a gambling problem. I mean, it could be worse. It’s not like she’s been screwing younger hockey players on his team two at a time. She’s just gambling. It’s pretty much a victimless crime. But what’s sad is his utter cluelessness about how boring her life is just being his wife and mother to his kids after running around Hollywood as a struggling actress when she was younger. If you’ve ever seen her interviewed, you know she’ll tell you in a second how she gave up her career when she married him. However, if you live on the planet earth, you know how far this is from the truth. One look at her credits on IMDB.com lets you know she was going nowhere fast. Her biggest leading role was in American Anthem with Mitch Gaylord. She’s obviously bored senseless and doing this to bring some thrills into her life. Ironically, she's actually in a movie coming out this year that’s generating some buzz at Sundance mainly because Justin Timberlake is in it convincingly playing a thug (Bruce Willis and Sharon Stone are also in it). If I were a more cynical person, I’d suggest she’s secretly thrilled at the current publicity and hoping it’s still going on by the time the movie appears so she’ll get some notice.
SOMEHOW FOUL LANGUAGE MAKES ALMOST ANYTHING FUNNIER
Speaking of Taye Diggs, his role on Will & Grace continues to proves conflicting emotions in me, but in a moment as contrived as how they got Gregory Hines to tap dance (Will just happened to be getting his floors redone), they had Taye sing to Will during his fake marriage to Grace. But they got a good joke out of it later (he was so stoned on Karen’s pills, he not only didn’t remember it, but didn’t even know the song he sang). I declined to watch him in that Cake movie on Lifetime because 1) I’m not such a Heather Graham fan that I need to have her by proxy, 2) He obviously wasn’t going to get her in the end (some dull-ass, non-descript white boy got that privilege), 3) the story was not only clichéd but borderline offensive considering it was written, produced and directed by women because Heather Graham really isn’t a fun-loving and single, but is actually lonely and scared and needs a guy in a suit, and 4) The R-rated DVD comes out on Tuesday. If I’m going to watch crap, it better have cursing and nudity. And is Sandra Oh in every-fucking-thing now? But in true minority status, she is the best friend to the lead white girl.
02/06/06
WHEN AN IDIOT HANDLES MARKETING…
When A Stranger Calls opens at number one and how badly did they fuck this up? As everyone knows, the commercial for When A Stranger Calls was a suspense masterpiece within itself, BECAUSE IT ENDED when the cop says “The call is coming from inside the house!” That commercial was as scary as hell (especially when you were watching TV late at night) and another reason I don’t do the scary! Good scary gets you on a basic level, that’s all too easy to relate too, like the fear of the dark. In this case, it’s the fear of being alone in an empty house. Not to mention, if you wanted to know what happens, you had to go see the film. Not this bullshit, however. Not only do you see the guy chasing her through the house, but YOU SEE HER RESCUE THE FUCKING KIDS! (in the original you find out he killed them even before the first phone call, another reason it was so fucking scary). WHAT THE FUCK!?! Granted, the girl is hot in a way Carol Kane could never be, but that’s simply doesn’t make up for what’s been lost. TRIVIA MOMENT I: This was originally a short film, which is why that set up works so well and the rest of the film couldn’t possibly live up to it. TRIVIA MOMENT II: The “twist” was originally used in a horror film called Fright and then again in another called Black Christmas. TRIVIA MOMENT III: the first Halloween was originally supposed to the sequel to Black Christmas.
LITERALLY TALENT-FREE
Big Momma’s House is only down to number two and this movie is so sad, there are absolutely no other names of note in this cast beyond Nia Long and Martin Lawrence. Not one. The first had Paul Giamatti and Terrance Howard supporting and even Cedric The Entertainer in a cameo. This one? Nobody. They couldn’t sucker anyone who could otherwise make a dime opening a supermarket or appearing at a science fiction convention rather than be in this crap.
RISKY PART = NAKED AND/OR GAY
Nanny McPhee is down to number three, followed by Brokeback Mountain rising to number four, and apparently Anne Hathaway is taking her shirt off everywhere, as I’ve discovered she has a nude scene in this film as well. I’m telling you, she’s going to get your respect as an adult no matter how often she has to get naked. In which case I beg you not to give it to her, ‘cause I’m kinda looking forward to that full frontal nudity Robert Altman will undoubtedly convince she needs to do for another one of his overrated films where he almost always convinces women to do just that. But I her next grasp at cred is going to be her own gay film. That is, if Piper Perabo will let them go. Once thought to be a new “hot young thing” herself with the release of Coyote Ugly and The Adventures of Rocky & Bullwinkle in the same year, when they quickly went bust she wound up doing supporting roles crap mainstream films like Cheaper By The Dozen. But she’s still trying in indie films where she’s kissing girls and putting on English accents. In the case of her latest release, Imagine Me & You (not coming near the top ten), she’s doing both and you’d think it would get a little more attention in this Brokeback Mountain world. Unfortunately, it seems to suck and while that’s never stopped a gay themed film from receiving needless praise, it also fails to threaten a heterosexual icon, like the American Cowboy (not that anything that involves two young women getting it on could ever be threatening in a male-dominated world. It’s just bourgeois English chicks and the reason they probably cast Piper is because they couldn’t find two women in England pretty enough to watch kiss (Kate Beckinsale and Rachel Weisz are both in the US now). Maybe they should play up the fact that Giles from Buffy The Vampire Slayer is in it.
LESS WAS MORE
Hoodwinked is holds at number five followed by Underworld: Evolution at number six and once again, this was made on the cheap, for just $45M, which is chump change for an action film. Amazingly, the first one only cost $22M and if you’ve seen it, you know they use it well, because it actually looks even more expensive than this. Needless to say, by the time it finishes worldwide and the DVD money is counted in (I’m buying one!) the final chapter to the trilogy (which has already been planned) will have been officially greenlit. Let’s hope they keep the sex scene of this one and bring back the writer of the first. The first at least got a few decent reviews. This one has been universally pissed on.
EBONY AND IVORY LIVE TOGETHER IN NOT-SO-PERFECT HARMONY
Something New opens at number six and probably would have done better had they fucking released it ONE WEEK LATER! My god! This isn’t brain surgery! Romantic comedies on Valentines Day is like horror movies on Halloween. One more week and this could have twice the results. It doesn’t even matter if your movie sucks. It’s all about timing. Fortunately, this doesn’t suck, but it’s far from original either. For every step it takes forward, the other is mired in romantic comedy cliché. First we get Sanaa Lathan as the clichéd beautiful, successful, but alone female lead. Then we have her buddies, similarly successful and alone, but also clichés: Slutty One (the incredibly hot Golden Brooks being typecast), Best Friend and the Anything-For-A-Husband One. They have a lonely-hearts dinner where the camera overuses the circular motion shot so long I want to scream “STOP FUCKING CIRCLING THE TABLE!” Of course she has co-worker who’s getting married and also desperate to set her up. Of course she does and in this case it’s a White guy (Simon Baker, who could Scott Speedman’s slightly more weathered brother), whom she dismisses. Of course they meet again when he turns out to be the landscaper whose work she admires, thus making him a romantic movie cliché. He’s the good looking, but not too pretty guy, who works with is hands, BUT went to college and had a read job before turning his back on it to do what he loves, BUT still be successful at it. Yeah, I’m sure the chair of woman who created this character had a moist stain on it by the time she was done. She’s uptight and regulated, he’s loose and easy-going. She likes beige, he loves colors. Gee, wonder what happens? Where it gets points in when it comes to the inevitable break-up. It’s actually over race and her need to express anger over racism and his not understanding it and not wanting to hear about it (there’s also an honest scene about her getting upset when he asks about her weave). But it then quickly jumps back into romcom cliché. The new guy she dates (Blair Underwood) is good-looking and corporate successful and also wears beige---of course this isn’t going to work. And because the conflict is with her mother for most of the film (Alfie Woodard utterly wasted in a two-dimensional role as the shallow mom) it’s daddy who comes through in the end with the “big talk” about “following your heart.” Gee, I hope I don’t spoil it for everyone by saying they live happily ever after. As much as I love romcoms, it’s frustrating for me because it would take so little to make them a little above cookie-cutter cliché and they never do. It’s even more frustrating to watch them try in other areas like this film, while utterly relying on convention for others. Would it have killed us to learn more about his family? Especially when his dad turns out to be Cliff from Cheers who has no dialogue and is only in the final scene. No mom, so obviously she’s wear he got his looks and is dead. But I’m only guessing, because they give us nothing! And while racism is a real issue, overlooked is the fact that the co-worker who sets her up initially is Jewish (and actually knows how to shake her ass on a dance floor). Not one joke about how Jews have traditionally been a friend to the Black man or even a simple observation of it (Yaweh knows the Sons & Daughters of Abraham have always been good to me)? Nor is there anything about how about how this girl obviously wants to be a closer friend, but is still not granted greater access to her inner circle of “girlfriends” despite setting her up so perfectly. Basically, the problem is, like most “light” films, no one is allowed to be deep enough to have a genuine darkside (be it cruelty or genuine sadness) even when they so obviously do. It wasn’t a bad 99 minutes, but this will not be going into the collection when it arrives on DVD and I even bought the similarly clichéd love jones---but that was pretty to look at and had Nia Long nekkid.
ALL THE LAWYER HEARD WAS GIGGLING
Annapolis is down to number eight and it’s sad how I joked there was best friend who commits suicide in this like An Officer and A Gentleman and it turns out I was right. You get the feeling the only reason the original producers haven’t sued is because they’re laughing too hard?
THE END
Walk The Line returns to the top ten at number nine, thanks to the Oscar nominations and The Chronicles of Narnia closes out the top ten.
IT’S AN HONOR MY ASS! THE REAL HONOR IS WINNING!
Okay, so the Oscar nominations. Never underestimate the power of sending out screening copies. Crash flooded the Academy with screeners and look at the results. Apparently no one else learned from Miramax. Now I have to see that fucking movie, which I’ve avoided for a full year because it looks like the Mediocre Middlebrow shit that makes the stupid feel smart and relevant (the writer/director is another member to the club of Spielberg and Tom Hanks). My roommate has a SAG copy so at least I won’t have to pay for it with money, just the lost moments of my life that not even Jennifer Esposito’s breasts can compensate me for. But what pisses me off is that the producers of The Upside of Anger didn’t push my beloved Joan Allen, who damn sure deserves to be there. I can’t say anything about Keira Knightley, but come on? Are you serious? And do we have enough freaking blondes? And Jake Gyllenhaal didn’t know what being fucked in the ass was until now. Supporting Actor? That’s a fucking joke and everyone knows it. And he’s still going to lose to Paul Giamatti who is going to get his consolation prize for last year over Sideways the way Renee Zellweger got hers after not winning for either Chicago or Bridget Jones’s Diary. And while I love Catherine Keener, she was barely there in Capote, so look for Amy Adams to be the big “surprise” winner of the night. But I’m just underwhelmed by all the nominations. They all stink of “let’s nominate movies that matter” rather than what was good. Call it “The Holocaust Syndrome.” And enjoy your nomination, Terrance Howard, you won’t win and this will be the last time your name and “Lead Actor” will be mentioned again in the same breath.
TONY AND GINA NEVER GAVE UP, BUT RICHIE AND HEATHER SURE DID
Betty Freidan, Coretta Scott King, Wendy Wasserstein and Grandpa Munster. Guess Death bored of real world people quickly and decided to finish off entertainment-wise. Now, the question is, how much applause will Grandpa Munster get during the Oscars roll call of death this year. More or less than Chris Penn? You’re damn right “more.”
LIKE FINE WINE, BABY. FINE WINE WITH AN AMEX BLACK CARD.
For men who want to be kept by “women of a certain age” it’s a glorious time. Not only did Sheryl Crow become available, but so did Heather Locklear and Ellen Barkin is also now free from that hideous toad of a husband, Ron Pearlman. Even though he beat the terms of their pre-nup by ending it early, she’s still getting a sweet payout. Perfect for say, a middle-aged geek who’s tired of temping. And I’ve loved Ellen Barkin forever. Ever since Buckaroo Banzai, which she was actually pretty.