THAT DUMBASS SHOT WHERE HE ROLLS PEOPLE
The Inside Man opens surprisingly at number one and there are some artists who should never be left to their own devices. Some people just need reining in because, no matter how great their gifts, they have a lousy sense of artistic direction. Spike Lee is one such person. He’s a talented director to be certain (with the exception of that dumbass shot where he rolls people). He knows his shit (with the exception of that dumbass shot where he rolls people). All the crap you see from hacks like Brett Ratner and Michael Bay aren’t present in his work (with the exception of that dumbass shot where he rolls people). But Spike Lee’s biggest problem is Spike Lee The Writer, with whom he works with almost exclusively. Well, someone---probably his accountant along with wife, who surely didn’t marry Spike for his looks or to be poor---convinced him to get rid of Spike Lee The Writer and the result is easily his best film since He Got Game (which worked because it wasn’t set in the real world). Now, I hate heist flicks as a rule, so a heist flick directed by Spike Lee already had two strikes against. Going for it, however, was the setting (I likes my made-in-NYC movies) and the cast. Denzel Washington, Clive Owen, William Dafoe and Jodie Foster in a wonderful bitch-on-wheels performance, which comes as a welcome relief from all the sensitive heroines and protective mothers she’s been playing for the last few years. But also against it was that it was a bit of a mindfuck movie, which no actor in the world can make me see. I hate David Mamet’s obsession with that kind of shit and will not see another of his con artist movies. Ooh, it’s a double cross that leads to another double until finally we have a fucking deca-cross. WHO THE FUCK CARES!?! But the opportunity to a good director work with good actors away from his usual crappy scripts won out and it…wasn’t bad. All the praise you’re seeing is same type of praise Woody Allen got for Match Point which isn’t really a testament to the quality of this particular film, but to how much better it is to his recent work. It’s all qualified. It’s not a great movie, but it’s a great Spike Lee movie. One of the things that makes it good is the total absence of commentary on race. That Denzel and his partner are Black and in charge goes apparently without notice. This is not to say it doesn’t come up, but when it does, it’s so minor and actually organic to the story being told. But you can’t keep an idiot from being an idiot and I really have to wonder if the scene where the little kid from Brooklyn playing what is essentially Grand Theft Auto was originally in the script and not just an other middle age Black man bitching and moaning about how today’s youth is lost with their gangster love. Yeah, look what happened to the America of the 1800’s that loves stories of Jessie James. Those sad people…built a fucking nation after the Civil War. And then there are women. Spike Lee hates women so I’m sure he enjoyed being able to have Jodie Foster be an unrepentant bitch---disliked by every male character from the cops to the criminals---and being able to blame it on a script he didn’t write. And Denzel Washington’s girlfriend is a character that contributes nothing whatsoever with her screen time, so you have to wonder why she’s even here if not to give Spike Lee and Denzel Washington an excuse to hold casting sessions for young Black actresses. And there’s a running gag about one of the bank robbers having big tits that is just stupid (but allowing for more of those casting sessions with stacked white girls). Losing them both could have knocked this running time down to under two hours. As it is, it goes on for 15 minutes longer than it should have by showing you what you already know is going to happen. It’s like showing you the dinner drinking that took place after the medal ceremony at the end of Star Wars.
I KNOW ALL THERE IS TO KNOW ABOUT…FLEETING CELEBRITY
V For Vendetta is down to number two and also in this in a role to rival Natalie Portman’s and quite frankly much more interesting as a police officer trying to do his job for a state he knows to be corrupt, is Stephen Rea. Remember when he was one of the hottest properties around because of the Crying Game? Now he seriously wasted that currency of fame. Former Wild Child claimed to find him sexy. To be honest, sexy and attractive are two entirely different things, but even with that Irish thing going on, there’s no way this sad faced Irishman would have been getting responses like that without fame. And where the hell is Jaye Davidson? Last time anyone saw him he was hanging with Kate Moss and Naomi Campbell and helping to launch the plague that would become Stargate.
SADLY, NO TRAVOLTA AND NO SONGS BY FRANK STALLONE
Stay Alive opens at number three and apparently the PG-13 horror genre is managing to do just that. But part of the reason those gory 70’s remakes have such a new life is because the hardcore horror audience is tired of pussy horror movies for preteens where no one gets naked and no one get their hearts ripped out in front of you. This latest one has yet another group of young, pretty, all-star WB/Fox (Samaire Armstong, Sophia Bush, Frankie Muniz, Milo Ventimiglia) stars ripe for the slaughter with the conceit that if you die playing a video game, you die for real. Given the audience for games, you’d think this would be a license to print money. Except that gamers LIKE GORE TOO! You can’t give them any pussy PG-13 crap either. But they try and this is why they’re opening at three instead of one. What makes this an exceptional failure is that it also wastes the true story of Countess Erzebet Bathory of Hungary, who slaughtered 600 virgins and bathed in their blood to stay young (the irony of Hungary now being a porn capital of Europe is not lost on me and makes me think those girls have been reincarnated and are making damn sure everyone knows they’re not virgins this time around). It’s a true horror story. How can you fuck that up? Oh, like the other dozen versions of the same story that also sucked (the most recent was done in ’04). Of course I’ll never see it, but I despise Adam Goldberg (who is too old and ugly to even be in this movie) so much, I may watch the first half hour when it comes on cable just to watch his fugly ass die. But I don’t want to see Sophia Bush die, as I grew to like her from the two episodes of One Tree Hill I saw. And you know she’s going to die. She’s the sexy bad brunette and Samaire Armstrong is the good blonde. I think we know how that usually works out in movies.
FYI
Failure To Launch is down to number four and Kathy Bates has an Oscar. Just thought I’d remind you all of that. Sometimes I think even she forgets.
FRUSTRATION AND BOOZE: HOW ART GETS MADE
The Shaggy Dog is down to number five, followed by She’s The Man at number six and David Cross must have had just one of those days when he was drunk and depressed over doing such superior work on TV from The Ben Stiller Show to Arrested Development and just seeing it all go to shit while crap like According To Jim just thrives and just decided, “Fuck this! I just wanna get paid and go to another country where I can get really good drugs and whores for half the price.” Why else would the man who once did a routine about “What if Jesus had a Southern Gay accent?” (like Truman Capote, but warmer and less whiney) be in a movie with Amanda Bynes?
YOU MIGHT BE A REDNECK…IF YOU SAW THIS OVER THE WEEKEND
Larry The Cable Guy: Health Inspector opens at number seven and I’m honestly left almost speechless. I guess this his how NASCAR loving/Fox watching/Tim McGraw buying people feel when they see Brokeback Mountain in the top ten. Simply, “What the fuck is wrong with some people to enjoy shit like that?” Now, being from the sought this is obviously no foreign film. But out of the four guys on the Blue Collar Comedy Tour this muthafucka is the least funny and most offensive. Jeff Foxworthy was genuinely funny once upon a time. Bill Engvall did the great “stupid sign” routine (about the people for whom they have to put warning labels on hemorrhoid cream not to eat it). Ron White is a little too smart to even be here and any minute now I expect them to kick him out. But Larry the Cable Guy? I guess cousin-fuckers and klansmen need comedy too.
WHEN I’M 64
The Hills Have Eyes is down to number eight, followed by Eight Below at number nine and closing out the top ten is 16 Blocks and I have to give Bruce Willis some credit for at least trying to make his roles different. Unlike Harrison Ford, who still thinks he’s forty and can play those roles, Bruce Willis is actually playing a 50-year-old man here, which is what he is. In fact, he’s playing a beaten up 50-year-old. You never see Han Solo playing anything less that Mr. Nobility, which is why his last hit was What Lies Beneath, where he was the bad guy. Willis also does semi-indie work. I say semi, because he hopped on the bandwagon after Tarantino blew up. He wasn’t down for Reservoir Dogs and to this day, only does the higher end indie. He’s not working with Laura Linney anytime soon----thank goodness. I don’t know how I’m going to stomach him pushing up on Halle Berry when their movie comes out. But one thing we do know: it will suck. The two of them do not know how to pick a good script.
IS THE OTHER GUY FROM HEE HAW DEAD TOO?
Buck Owens is dead. Damn. I didn’t even know he was still alive. It’s sad and scary how southern I am at times because I grew up watching fucking Hee Haw, the Blue Collar Comedy Hour of its day. Kill me now.
03/20/06
P FOR PROBLEM
V For Vendetta opens at number one and while this does have very current political elements running through it, it remains very much a comic book movie. It was originally created in the 80’s by Alan Moore as a response to Margaret Thatcher’s England, but the idea of a terrorist attack (relating to America’s war in the middle east) causing a religious inclined politician to be elected and then start limiting civil liberties (with an emphasis on homosexuals) is a bit timely, no? Also, the good guy is technically a terrorist in that he wants to blow up Parliament to make his political point. But don’t think that will detract too much from what is essentially a superhero single-handedly taking down a government. Also, he doesn’t kill any innocent people, which kinda removes the “terrorist” label from him. Natalie Portman is the “girl” in every sense of the word, in that she really doesn’t do much. Everything V does he would have done without her. In fact, his real costar is Stephen Rea as the detective assigned to track down V who discovers the dark secrets of the government in the process. But he’s not nearly as pretty. Nor does he have a scene where he masquerades as a child prostitute for a bishop, which requires Natalie Portman to fulfill far too many dirty old man fantasies by dressing up as a “sex moppet” (it’s not something her young male audience would give a crap about). Personally, I’m not that into Natalie Portman. Oh, she’s pretty. She’s always been pretty. At one point she may have been the prettiest girl in the world. But she just looks waaaay too much like my Arizona Problem to me and it’s annoying as hell. This is why I love the shaved head look. It helps to downplay that (even if it’s probably painful for Sinead O’Connor, given that’s how she used to look). As I said before, despite its noble intentions as some sort of political thriller it ultimately fails because V is pretty much invincible. He seemingly knows everything, can do anything and it’s obvious that he’s going to win. It’s like he’s James Bond in a mask. We’re never given even the tiniest hint of vulnerability in him. He’s an unstoppable freedom-fighting avenging machine. Oh, he’s emotionally vulnerable, which is why Natalie Portman’s role is ultimately so girly and useless, because all she really does is help him learn to love again---though it doesn’t stop him from killing anyone at all.
P&A (PECS AND ABS
Down to number two is Failure to Launch and you have to give it up to Matthew McConughey who is willing to be the bimbo in most every movie he makes. He’ll take off his shirt on a moment’s notice. Granted, if my body looked like that, I wouldn’t even wear one to take off, but even in romantic comedies like EdTV (horribly underrated in the way that The Truman Show was overrated), which was set in San Francisco, he was the most cut video store clerk in the world. Also, he’s actually playing his age (somewhere Harrison Ford choked on a Viagra at the mere thought of it). In EdTV he was playing a guy in his early thirties who still lived like he was in his 20’s, while in this one he’s playing a guy who…hmmm. Is this a trend? Well, 40 is just around the corner, so will we get a romantic comedy about a guy unwilling to accept middle-age? Will Sarah Jessica Parker be in that one too, trying desperately to pass for 40? If so they’d better get the special effects teams from both Lord of the Rings and Star Wars, because that’s the only way it’s going to work.
AND UNLIKE CARRIE, CHARLOTTE GOT NEKKID!
The Shaggy Dog opens at number three and speaking of Sarah Jessica Parker, her former co-star, Kristin Davis is in full-career protection mode by again playing the “the mom” in a family film. Before, she was in The Adventures of Shark Boy and Lava Girl with David Arquette as her husband. Will she ever play the partner of someone her aesthetic equal? First, she’s with Andrew “The Lisp” Shue on Melrose Place, then they stick her with that troll on Sex & The City, and now this? It hurts because she was easily the prettiest cast member with the best wardrobe. Always picture perfect (even though it was all calculated to hide her below the waist thickness to which I say, honey, don’t hide your light under a bushel, even if it is Ralph Lauren bushel).
ONE THING I HATE ABOUT YOU: YOUR LACK OF TALENT
She’s the Man opens at number five and there was a glimmer of hope to this because one of the screenwriters, Karen McCullah Lutz, also worked on Legally Blonde and Ten Things I Hate About You, which was a teen version of Taming of the Shrew as this is a teen version of Twelfth Night. Unfortunately the other writer, Ewan Leslie, hasn’t done anything else but this and is a producer, which means anything he wanted to do got done and the other, better writer just got a check and a car home. Aside from that, the casting of Amanda Bynes was a very obvious sign the bar would not be set too high. How sad is it that she looks just like a freaking boy when in drag and not even a pretty boy. Just your average goofy-looking boy. But I will give her this, much: even though she’s 18 and has a decent body, she has yet to appear on the cover of Maxim, wearing panties and baby oil and talking about how she wants to be taken seriously as an adult actress. She’s 20 and doesn’t mind playing teenagers, as opposed to other twentysomething actresses who seem to think turning 21 means they should be playing brain surgeons (yes, Julia Stiles, I’m looking at you as a teenage CIA agent in the Bourne Identity). Unfortunately, playing young seems synonymous with playing stupid and this movies looks nothing but. Next time, Karen, produce your own film (but expect to go broke and lose all your friends…not that it happened to me).
SPOILERS BECAUSE I JUST DON’T GIVE A FUCK
The Hills Have Eyes is down to number five and because it so bothers me I’m going to further ruin this film for people by telling you not only does the pretty blonde daughter get raped, she gets raped twice in succession by two of the mutant freaks. And her sister who has a child, is then forced to let the mutant freak suck on her breasts because he holds her baby at gunpoint. While he doesn’t kill the baby, he doe shoots her in the head---but only after shooting her mother in the chest (thank you movie spoiler websites). Yep, yet another reason to hate the French.
MATH IS BOTH EVIL AND UNFUNNY
16 Blocks is down to number six, followed by Eight Below at number seven and there’s a numbers joke in here somewhere, but I can’t find it.
ALL I KNOW I LEARNED FROM WORLD WAR TWO
Tyler Perry’s Madea’s Family Reunion is down to number eight, followed by The Pink Panther at number nine and it is possible to find a bright sign in most anything if you remember that Robert Begnini also made a Pink Panther movie, which flopped horribly and if nothing else maybe the success of this film is causing him some pain. That’s right, buddy. It wasn’t the film they hated, it was you. And to continue our rape theme, one of his successful films in his native Italy was a comedy called The Monster, where he’s mistaken for a serial rapist/murder. Yeah, that’s hysterical. Can you imagine pitching that here?
“Okay, Mr. Stiller, here’s the gist. You’re an average guy being chased by the police because they think you’re an escaped criminal because you keep winding up in the same places where he commits his crimes.”
“Okay, I can see that. So what is he? A jewel thief? Con artist?”
“No. Rapist and murderer! Isn’t that funny?”
They were working with the Germans in World War II for a reason, people.
HOLLYWOOD GEOGRAPHY
Finally, Aquamarine closes out the top ten at number ten, since its primary audience was seeing She’s The Man this week. It also oddly lacks even one “name” older actor or actress in it, playing either a parent or authority figure. You’d think the average actor would give their left nut to be in a movie with Julia Roberts’s niece, which would put them one step closer to George Clooney. Sorry, did you not know they were actually going to crap about another Ocean’s 11 sequel? Well, they are. Told you there was no god.
DADDY CUT THE SEX SCENE FROM STRIPES TOO
Thank You For Smoking doesn’t enter the top ten probably because most people think the sex scene with Katie Holmes is gone. It’s there, but both she and Aaron Eckhart are fully clothed the entire time, so if you’re looking for cheap thrills, look elsewhere. The story of an unapologetic tobacco lobbyist, it’s about as even-handed as V for Vendetta but much more entertaining because, even though, ironically at time Aaron Eckhart is as undefeatable as V, we at least know why and how he can do what he does (such as subtly convince the dying-from-cancer Marlboro Man, Sam Elliot, to accept a bribe). And also he’s given some weaknesses (such as Katie Holmes) which only serve to make his triumphs that much more interesting. Just as V ultimately admits to being a monster made by monsters, Aaron Eckhart is aware from the beginning that he’s selling death to the point where his only friends are sellers of booze and guns and they jokingly call themselves the “M.O.D. Squad” as in “Masters Of Death” (one of whom is played by the uber-hot Maria Bello and in a perfect world, she would have played Katie Holmes’s role and their sex scenes would have been nude and needlessly explicit). In further comparisons with V, this is also not a major tax on your brain or political views, as it is primarily a comedy and no one is on the side of the angels, not even the anti-smoking side, fronted by William H. Macy. Also in the cast is currently the hardest working man in show business, Cameron Bright. He’s the creepy kid who took a bath with Nicole Kidman in Birth and has recently been seen in Ultraviolet, Running Scared and will also be seen in the new X-Men movie. Like I said, he’s the new Dakota Fanning, but at least they aren’t trying to sell him as cute. It works, especially when he goes from resenting his father to being a pint-sized clone of him, manipulating his mother in being able to accompany his father on a trip. But even this conversion is soft-pedaled and not satirically shown for the corruption it truly is. In fact, when the son is giving his father a pep talk to go back in there and be a better lying, manipulative bastard, there’s not a comedic or satricial edge to be found anywhere, which is kinda sad because it almost writes itself. But this is from Ivan Reitman’s son, so how much edge can you expect? The spawn of the producer who helped bring us Caddyshack, Ghostbusters, Stripes, Old School, Road Trip, Euro Trip, Space Jam, Beethoven and other multiplex fodder over the last 30 years isn’t going to be rocking the boat too hard (in her book You’ll Never Eat Lunch In This Town Again, Julia Phillips called him “another businessman pretending to be an artist.”).
WHAT EVER HAPPENED TO WILLIAM KATT?
So, Dorito Cheeseburger Woman has retuned to take another little piece of my heart now, baby. She couldn’t come out for a cheeseburger with me, but that was fine because the place was too crowded anyway. So I grabbed my mozzarella deluxe from Paul’s Palace and headed over to her place in the East Village where she, her friend (an Irish guy who actually had his birthday on St. Patrick’s day, making me wonder how he hadn’t drunk himself to death) and I watched The Greatest American Hero on DVD. I hadn’t seen the pilot episode in at least 25 years---which means Dorito Cheeseburger Woman was about three the last time I saw it. I geeked hard, spouting out trivia like they redubbed the character’s name from “Hinkely” to “Hunkley” when John Hinkley shot Regan. And that Warner Brothers sued them from ripping off Superman---after giving them the rights to use Super Friends in the show. And they started bleeping out him saying “Damn” after every crash, which was one of the funniest running gags on the show. Turns out she got the DVDs for Christmas and any woman who loves The Greatest American Hero and breaks out into singing the theme song …well, let’s just say she had me at Dorito. In the meantime I try to tell myself that the Bush/Cheney sticker on her refrigerator was her brother’s, with whom she shares her apartment. But he also has an original film can from Battleship Potemkin and actually dressed up like The Greatest American Hero for Halloween two years ago, so I’m hoping the sticker just a joke to upset more sensitive liberals who visit their apartment because I can’t see having a right wing wife or brother-in-law. While there she showed me a small photo album of her family and they’re one of those disgustingly photogenic families, so every photo looked like the kind that comes with a frame when you buy it. My family photos always look like five cranky people who just woke up---with at least two obviously hungover---to take a picture because one is heading back to New York in five minutes and forgot to do this for the entire previous week. Which, of course, means they’re totally accurate.
WHO’S THE WRITER/DIRECTOR/PHOTOGRAPHER THAT CREATED THE BLACK PRIVATE DICK THAT’S A SEX MACHINE TO ALL THE CHICKS?
The Death roll is crazy. Maureen Stapleton (who said after winning her Oscar that it would actually be more exciting to be known as a great lay), Oleg Cassini (who made clothes for Jacqueline Kennedy), Gordon Parks (the creator of Shaft and noted photographer), Jack Wild (who played the lead in Oliver and H.R. Puffinstuff, the most drug-friendly kid’s show since Puff The Magic Dragon), Dana Reeve (this makes both parents and a grandparent this kid has lost in a year) and even some game show host in a plane crash. The only thing she got right was finally killing Slobodan Milosevic and actually that dirtbag killed himself (if this were a movie, a secret agent poisoned him, making it look like an accident).
03/13/06
Failure to Launch opens at number one and this an example of “irony” in effect. It’s “ironic” that a movie is so accurately named given its utter creative failure and “ironic” that it actually did so freaking well despite its utter creative failure. And fail it does, from the casting on down. First of all, as much as I love Sarah Jessica Parker, she is simply too fucking old to be playing the single girl looking for love without her age being part of story. Every close up is painful because you see nothing less than forty years on her face (she could be a warning ad for the perils of smoking) and you wonder why someone her age is living with a 20-something roommate (hell, I’m damn near 40 and don’t think the fact I’m not living alone isn’t a regular source of embarrassment---though here in New York we all get cut a little slack because of the insane cost of real estate). It would be one thing if they mentioned just why, but like the more common occurrence of middle-aged men with 20-something actresses, it goes unnoticed. More irony is that it’s the age of Matthew McConughey’s character that propels the story! Similarly, a more appropriately aged actress should have been cast alongside it. Better yet, both characters should have been made 30 years old and the two of them replaced with Rachel McAdams and Paul “Pretty Boy” Walker or whatever meat puppet you can find (“meat puppet” is a term for the men in porn because they really don’t matter since no one is renting or buying movies for them, making them little more than props or puppets). 30 years old and still living at home works just as well as 35. Actually, anything over 25 works. More failure occurs when we find out the reason he’s still at home and frankly, it’s a pretty damn good reason and the formerly comedic idea of his parents hiring someone to get him out suddenly becomes more than a callous not to mention frivolous (hint: that little black kid he adores is obviously not his nephew). There’s a lack of emotional depth to all of it and when they try, such as Kathy Bates confessing she’s afraid to be alone with her husband (Terry Bradshaw in an inspired bit of casting) without their son, it’s too much, too little, too late.
DON’T FUCK WITH THE KID WITHIN
The Shaggy Dog opens at number two and this is violation of my childhood. I loved the original Shaggy Dog as a kid (and even The Shaggy DA) and it’s not that remaking it is the problem. No, that I accept. It’s the casting of perennial unfunny man, Tim Allen, in the lead role that is the giant dump on my inner child. This is the same fucker who said Jon Stewart failed at the Oscars because he didn’t embrace Hollywood like Billy Cyrstal did (translation: another New York-based host once again refused to suck Hollywood’s collective dick). So I will never, ever see this piece of shit. Hey, if Tim Allen is in it, it’s a piece of shit and you know it! Not to mention, if they’d remade the original and not the remake (in the original Shaggy Dog, it’s a teenage boy afflicted with the curse that can only reversed with an act of bravery which also gets him the foine-ass Annette Funnicello---for those of you who believe child stars who developed tremendous boobs began with Lindsay Lohan), they couldn’t have cast the fucker at all. Freaky Friday showed you could remake an old Disney film and actually improve on it, but all evil Disney saw were remake movie numbers and not how they got there, which is how this piece of shit comes to be.
…AND THE AUDIENCE HAS NO SOUL
The Hills Have Eyes opens at number three and the remakes of the gritty low-budget horror films of the 70’s continues unabated, though losing to a crappy kid’s film remake and crappy romantic comedy might do a little to slow them down. This almost got an NC-17 for violence, just like the first film, which was threatened with an X-rating unless it cut down some scenes. In this case, however, it was probably deliberate to help sell the DVD when it comes out…um, tomorrow? As we all know, I don’t do the scary, but what I also don’t do is graphic rape sequences, which is pretty much a given based on the poster, the tagline (“the lucky ones die first”) and the trailer where we get T&A of the hot daughter sunbathing in the desert before the crazies set upon them (she wasn’t raped in the original, so the writer/director of this obviously has some issues with all the hot blonde actresses who still won’t fuck his loser ass). And I maintain these movies are just socially acceptable snuff films, because the goal isn’t to be scared, but to watch people die in horrific, overly graphic ways. That rape has been added to the menu only proves my point.
BOOMER, WHAT ARE YOU DOING WITH THAT GUN?
16 Blocks is down to number three and is David Morse going to spend the rest of his life trying to undo the nice guy image he got on St. Elsewhere? Wasn’t enough that they tortured the living hell out of his character (dead wife, raped in jail)? I won’t lie; his babyface makes him a pretty damn effective bad guy, but this is all he freaking does. When you tally up, he’ll probably be alongside Christopher Walken and Dennis Hopper, only their bad guys are usually a lot of fun. David Morse’s bad guys are not enjoying what they’re doing at all. Not here, not in The Rock, not in The Long Kiss Goodnight and if he’s not a suffering bad guy, he’s just suffering, as in Proof of Life, where he’s held kidnapped in the mountains while Russell Crowe has to bang Meg Ryan before he can find the motivation to rescue him. And don’t get me started on The Crossing Guard or The Getaway remake. So basically from day one, his face makes directors and casting agents go, “Damn, what can we put this guy through? I’d like to see him suffer.”
ETC.
Tyler Perry’s Madea’s Family Reunion is down to number five, followed by Eight Below at number six and Aquamarine at number seven.
ULTRA- MONKEY-SPANKING
Ultraviolet is down to number eight and with a $30M budget (which is more than the first Underworld it’s ripping off) not even with DVD will this come out on top. Then again, this fucker found a cult following with his last Matrix rip-off, Equilibrium, so never, ever underestimate what a geek can jerk off to when he sets his mind to it. Seriously. Mila Jovovich in stomach-baring (lack of a firmness notwithstanding) leather surrounded by special effects will keep lots of boys occupied until Natalie Portman once again hits the screen. Speaking of which, I have to say, I found her little “gangsta rap” bit on SNL funny, though they are wearing out that “rap done by the whitest people alive” routine. Then again, it always tends to be funny. Like horny old people. Or foul-mouthed old people. Or cranky old people. Or old people doing anything but dying quietly.
THE END
The Pink Panther is down to number nine with Date Movie closing out the top ten at number ten.
DANCIN’ MACHINE
So, I was tricked. I was going to meet Former Miss Pretty Boy (who, as it turns out, still loves herself some pretty, which is one of the reasons we’re friends) for dinner before she went off to her salsa class. I’m still unsure how I wound up in the salsa class myself. I contemplated dance lessons many years ago but wound up in kendo (as you can see, this sort thing happens to me a lot). It’s a typical geek action. Something socially acceptable that can get you laid like nobody’s business vs. something incredibly obscure (Japanese fencing) based in antisocial behavior (um, warfare?). Gee, guess which one I chose? I have no regrets. I was in great shape during kendo. I dropped 10-15 pounds and was once told by a woman, “I remember your kendo days. That was when your ass was really nice.” (it might have been more a compliment had she been more attractive). In any case I wound up in a salsa class at the Actor’s Temple/New Group Dance Center on 47th street embarrassing myself as the Black man who could not get the steps right to the point where the woman teaching the class SINGLED ME THE FUCK OUT! Wasn’t it bad enough I was in my “fat shirt” (the shirt that really shows how fat I am) because I didn’t expect anyone but the people at work to see? No, I had to be pointed out as the example that all bruthas, in fact, cannot dance. Yes, another myth bites the dust (and when one goes so do all the others). And I do I have to tell you what women think of a man who can seemingly display no rhythm on his feet? Not even friends! I guess this is why I had to go back the next night to prove to myself I could do it. I could, but more humiliation lay ahead thanks to...THE SALSA STUD. I’m not kidding. The instructor for the next night was wearing that very shirt. He was around six feet tall, lean, Latin with dimples though his perfect beard stubble. Yeah. Suddenly, every other man in the room was now short, fat and the worst lover in the world. Okay, so maybe it was just me. In any case, that was my last class and I’m thinking of which obscure, socially isolating martial art I’ll take next. Ooh, kyudo (Japanese archery). Yes, they actually have classes for that in New York City.
WWW.OLDFART.COM
Like most old people My Space is a mystery to me. Granted, I know my way around the internet, but that’s for comic books, movies and porn (in that order). I’m not on it to make friends or promote my band, which is pretty much, the point of Myspace and sites like it. Because most of my friends are my age, it was just something I read about occasionally, like it’s predecessor, Friendster, but thanks to new young hires at my day job and the fact that my night job is filled with college-aged kids, it’s beginning to dawn on me just how much a part of their lives this shit is. Because I don’t look my age, they think I’m one of them and so when they talk to me about what they’re doing on MySpace they speak to me like I’m a native. It’s like being Korean in a Japanese restaurant and given the Japanese language menu. I don’t disturb their illusion, but this increasing encroachment onto my life forced me to finally take a look at MySpace to see what was going on…and it was like going into a foreign country, only I recognized the language they were speaking even though it wasn’t mine. It was something I used to speak called “youth.” And even when I did speak it, I wasn’t fluent. Not to mention, I don’t want any new fucking friends. Doesn’t this site convey that enough? You old fuckers are working my last nerve. Hell, the only thing that kept me there for more than five minutes was the realization that since most porn stars are barely out of their teens, THEY ALL HAVE MYSPACE SITES. What’s scary and makes me feel dirty is, their job occupation aside, they are identical to any other MySpace site. This is why I’m glad Nina Hartley, Tiffany Mynx and even Janine Lindemulder (who now does guys) still work. I can look at them and not feel guilty.
DEAN CAIN COULDA WARNED YOU
I won’t lie. I love Teri Hatcher and the fact she played the sexiest Lois Lane ever only has a little to do with it. Okay, so it has a lot to do with it, but more than that, she has carved out a persona as the “Accessible Hot Girl” which she didn’t have ten years ago. Thanks to her role on Desperate Housewives and her naked appreciation of a second chance, she’s learned the world loves her as the girl who’s perfect on the outside but totally screwed up otherwise. Women love her because they can not only relate, but feel superior to her and men love her because hot, screwed up women will date beneath themselves (Halle Berry being the exception to that rule). But don’t kid yourself. It’s not all sweetness and light. She’s the star of Desperate Housewives and all the other castmembers know it because why else are they complaining about her? No one is complaining about Eva Longoria being the star, because she isn’t (and needs to realize this may be the best job she’ll ever has as a minority in world where Jennifer Lopez, Salma Hayek, Eva Longoria and Jessica Alba exist, making her choice number freaking five to get a script with a Spanish girl in it). Teri Hatcher is the star and if you cross her, you risk the beatdown---like she almost just gave to Felicity Huffman, who dared challenge her by getting an Oscar nomination for Transamerica. If she’d won, her victory would have come just as Teri Hatcher reveals her uncle molested her as a child, did it to another girl who killed herself, which then motivated Terri Hatcher to reveal it and testify against him to put him away for the rest of his life (he’s 64). On the cover of Vanity Fair. In white panties. Yeah, so much for your little Oscar now, huh? In other words, Teri Hatch carpet-bombed a piece of land because she simply thought Felicity Huffman might be moving onto it. She didn’t make it, but that giant, smoking crater should keep Eva, Nicolette and Marcia (who made her stab at the top with those lesbian “rumors”) in line.
THIS SHIT IS BANANAS…
What’s the only thing sicker than a reality show about cheerleading? That I actually tried watched it. But teenage cheerleaders are not my thing. Me, I want Salma Hayek in a cheerleading outfit. Halle Berry, Joan Allen, Sarah Jessica Parker…and don’t get me started on how delighted I was to see Gwen Stefani in her “Hollaback Girl” video. But actual young girls? Ew. But I watched the show because of the same reason I watch the Miss America pageant or any other show about pretty girls utterly making fools of themselves in activities based primarily on their looks. This isn’t as sad as say, that Coyote Ugly competition, because they’re teenagers and can be forgiven a bit for their stupidity, but it still makes you cringe and laugh with schadenfrauden delight at the girl who totally defines herself by being a cheerleader. Nothing else. Why this matters is because later in life you realize how much the dynamics of high school still apply in real life. If you think that woman running a multi-national conglomerate isn’t, on some level, doing it to prove herself to the cheerleaders, or that geek with his software empire isn’t doing it to get at the jocks, then you are not living in the United States of America. Like I said, I tried to watch it, but the genuine awkwardness of teenagers is just too painful (those southern accents didn’t help either). Not like those bitches on Sweet 16 on MTV. The coach’s daughter who has to deal with her mom not thinking a single “B” on her report card is acceptable. The big girl who has to be the base for all the little pixie girls and is jealous and insecure. The star cheerleader who dyes her hair platinum blonde, whose parents are divorced and mom rides a Harley (stop me if you’re heard this one before). And all the moms living their high school cheerleading dreams through their daughters (and I’m seeing a noticeable lack of dads, which is not a good thing…unless you’re high school boy looking to get laid, in which case it’s a great thing)… It was just too painful and I have 600 other shows on my DVR to watch. Not to mention writing this shit for you ungrateful people.
LOVE, LUST AND COMIC BOOKS
So my wife came into the comic book store the other day. She was very attractive and mentioned she used to spend $70 a week on comics. Of course she lives in LA and came in with her boyfriend, but I think we can get beyond that eventually. Honestly, this attractive woman buying comics thing is really getting to me. Here I thought I was in the one place where I could wear my geek shirts (in an ironic joke that no one got) without fear of how I looked. Then came the cute little French woman looking for---and I shit you not---“erotic lesbian porn” (specifically “Bondage Faries” and , yes, it really exists). I stayed past my shift to help her, because women with sexy accents buy comic book smut is what being a geek is all about. Sigh. I can’t believe I’m gonna have to start dressing better to sell comics.
A SUIT CAN ONLY DO SO MUCH
Speaking of dressing well, the new Men’s Vogue is out and Tiger Woods is on the cover. From George Clooney to Tiger Woods. Anyone else see this VAST discrepancy? Tiger Woods is ugly. In fact, he’s fugly. He’s a walking argument against interracial relationships, he’s so fucking ugly. But, being Black and Asian and marrying a Dutch blonde, their children will probably be stunning. Life is simply like that. It’s like how a song won’t sometimes click until the remix, like LL Cool J’s “Lounging.”
03/6/06
I’m going to discuss the ending of Brokeback Mountain so skip it when the time comes or be spoiled!
I CANNOT SHOW MY FACE IN PUBLIC; FROM NOW ON I’M DUTCH
Madea’s Family Reunion holds on to number one and you only thought “It’s Hard Out Here For A Pimp” was the most embarrassing thing to happen to black people this weekend.
FOR 16 REAL BLOCKS THIS MOVIE WOULD HAVE TO BE THREE HOURS
16 Blocks opens at number two and how humiliating must this be for Bruce Willis? Beaten by a guy in a dress on its second week out (so much for Mos Def tapping into the “young people”). Maybe he can blame the Oscars but then again, maybe people preferred The Gauntlet the first time when Clint Eastwood starred in it with Sondra Locke? I’ll see this on cable next years, but I have a personal theory that Richard Donner works with two scripts always. One that makes sense and one that looks good and he always chooses the good-looking one in the end, which is why the commercials show the climax of this film involving a Bruce Willis highjacking a bus to barrel through NEW YORK CITY TRAFFIC! In reality, you’d get about two feet and then the movie is over.
MONKEY FUNNY, DOGGY PROFITABLE
Eight Below is down to number three and how glad is Paul Walker that his agent made him do this? I mean, that he did this for his daughter? Running Scared opened poorly and is already out of the top then, while this is hanging around the top three, given an opening film by Bruce Willis a run for it’s money. Next time, he’s gonna make a movie with monkeys. Just you wait.
ULTRA-STUPID, DERIVATIVE, DULL…
It was the end of 12 straight days of working, that’s why. That’s why I went to see Ultraviolet, opening at number four. Just like the Paul Walker movie the week before, I was tired, frustrated and just wanted to see something stupid. And like Paul Walker movie a week before, this co-starred that weird little kid from Birth who takes a bath with Nicole Kidman. He and Dakota Fanning need to star in a remake of Village of the Damned, because they are some creepy-ass kids. And you know when I’m talking about the kid in a futuristic action movie with a supposedly hot babe (though Mila Jojovich has never done it for me), there’s a huge problem. This movie looks like Mila saw Underworld and realized it should have been her and not Kate Beckinsale (who does do something for me) and hooked up with the first person that could do it for her. Kurt Wimmer saw her in Resident Evil and wrote this for her (I’m sure her habit of boning her directors had nothing to do with it), so he’s not only a horny, loser geek, but he’s a horny loser geek with no taste in movies. He’s also a horny, loser geek with no imagination as this is actually the second time he’s blatantly ripped off The Matrix, the first being Equilibrium which wasted the talents of Christian Bale, Emily Watson and Taye Diggs, WHOM HE FORCED ME TO WATCH DIE! There’s even a scene in this movie where Mila invades a fortified based and is discovered to be carrying lots of guns by security. But as I said before, Underworld is now a factor in this because out of nowhere we learn the reason Mila can do all these amazing things is because what they’ve been calling hemophages for the first half hour of the movie are actually vampires. She’s a freaking vampire. This movie is sooooooo…Asian. Sorry, but this is the kinda of crap they churn out in Hong Kong every day. Cheap science fiction movies with bad stories whose only selling points are special effects and hot girls in tight leather or latex who strangely fight with guns and swords (um, if I’ve got a gun, I don’t need a sword and if you’ve got a sword and I’ve got a gun, in two seconds I’m gonna have a gun and a sword). And don’t think it’s unusual for vampires to show every fucking place in HK movies, because they do. It’s actually kind of sad, because the movie does have a nice look to it and some interesting CGI stunts (a motorcycle that can defy gravity that she rides up a building and a flaming sword that leaving flaming wounds on you when it cuts you), but they are wasted on a plot that makes no sense whatsoever and a director who probably couldn’t spell “dramatic tension” if not for spell check. The scariest thing about this? This fucker actually wrote the screenplay to The Thomas Crown Affair. And someone should tell Mila that there’s a difference between a flat stomach and a toned one and boy is it not toned. It may look good, but if she’s not standing straight up, it looks like she and I have been sharing the same addiction to cheese.
THE FACTS OF LIFE
Aquamarine opens at number five and this is for little pre-pubescent girls, so if you know any man who has seen it without a daughter or a niece or a film review job, then call the police immediately. This tween-version of Splash actually stars the daughter of Eric Roberts (yes, Julia’s niece) and a five-second pop star of two years ago, JoJo, but you’d never know that from the commercials because neither of them is tall, thin and blonde. Well, it’s best the girls learn this lesson early. Just as in real life, even the hottest brunette will always lose out to even the most mediocre blonde.
CRAZY LIKE A…WELL, CRAZY PERSON
The Pink Panther is down to number six followed by David Chapelle’s Block Party at number seven and there’s no way in hell I was going to see this opening weekend in New York. Even my morning show wouldn’t have been safe from at least one moron screaming out at the screen, “I’m Rick James, bitch!” Besides, the reunion of The Fugees is about as exciting to me as a Sly Fox reunion at this point (and if you know who Sly Fox is, you’re old). Oddly, this technically gives Mos Def two movies in the top ten. Does anyone even remember his real job is being a rapper? Sadly, David’s career is just about over. Not because he’s crazy. Hell, that’s what you need. No, it’s over because he split with his writing partner of the last ten years, who also ran Chapelle Show. Sorry, but this is like Elton John breaking with Bernie Taupin. Elton still wrote good songs, but nothing compared to his time with Bernie. And the less said about Bernie Taupin’s solo album the better. Actually, this is when crazy is bad for you, when it separates you from the people who have no problem telling you when you’re wrong or when you’re being an asshole.
WHEN THEY HAVE SEX, THEY BOTH RISK BREAKING A HIP
Date Movie is down to number eight, followed by Curious George at number nine and Firewall closing out the top ten at number ten and in a perfect world this would be a wake-up call to Harrison Ford, but in the real world he’s just going to blame marketing and call up Lucas and Spielberg and ask when that new Indiana Jones movie is gonna happen. And yes, he’s still dating the ever-emaciated Calista Flockhart. Remember her? Remember when she was on the hottest show in the country? That fucking thing isn’t even in reruns. It’s like you idiots all got drunk and fucked the ugly girl/guy and are now trying to pretend it didn’t happen! But it did! And I saw you! And I’ll never let you forget it!
OH, YEAH!
Hey, as it turns out I did know who Sienna Miller is. She was the girl on Fast Eddie. Okay, she’s all right. For a typical English blonde. You know who rocked on that show? The secretary he called “Moneypenny” who made suggestive comments to him when no one was around so he could never be sure if she really said it or he imagined it. Of course she was a brunette. The only time English women are pretty is when they’re brunette (Kiera Knightley is not a natural blonde, boys).
ONE. MORE. TIME. ALL WESTERNS ARE GAY.
You people are fucking useless. I ask for someone to make me see Brokeback Mountain and I get nothing. I give and I give and I give and all you sorry muthafuckas do is take. Well, thanks to odd changes at my temp job, I actually may have Saturdays off again, which was always my movie day, so I went to see it before the Oscars. I knew Heath Ledger was going to lose to Seymour Hoffman, but I wanted to be sure he deserved to. He did. While Heath Ledger is good, finally being the star he was hyped up to be years ago (Colin Farrell! Gretchen Mol! There’s still hope!), it doesn’t compare to what Hoffman did, because no one can tell Heath Ledger he got his character “wrong” because he doesn’t really exist. Capote existed, so Hoffman had the harder job and his success is greater for doing so. Besides, Heath Ledger’s character is like a non-retarded version of Billy Bob Thornton’s character in Sling Blade. In any case, it’s a good movie. A very good movie, actually deserving all the praise it’s gotten over this year. Never once does it ring false, which is so fucking rare in movies, that when it happens you praise it to high heaven like people have done with Brokeback. The only bad thing I can say about it is the lackluster old age make-up on Heath Ledger towards the end, as the movie follows him and Jake Gyllenhaal over almost 30 years. I couldn’t help but think of Maurice (pronounced “Mau-riss”), the Merchant Ivory film about two closeted gay men in England over a number of years. The only difference is that had half a happy ending. Also, like Maurice it is gorgeous to see, but it’s kind of hard to fuck up a shot of the countryside. Turns out Jake Gyllenhaal deserves his nomination and believe it or not, compared to Heath Ledger, it is the supporting role, so that’s not injustice I suggested it was (you know, when I compared it to the scene in the movie where Heath Ledger uses spit for lubricant and sodomizes Gyllenhaal in a pup tent). This is a big recovery film for everyone involved, not the least of which is Ang Lee, who needed this after The Hulk like he needed air. It’s sad how a body of amazing work was so quickly eclipsed by one stumble. Oops. Forgot about Ride With the Devil, a film whose most notable aspect was ruining the idea of a scene with Jewel topless by having her nursing. Ironically it starred the man who always gets to first where Jake Gyllenhaal wants to go, Tobey Maguire. Ang Lee, Kirsten Dunst, A-list stardom…guess you’ll always be eating his dust, huh, Jake? Well, at least you got the better cowboy movie. Now, at the end, Jake is killed changing his tire on highway, but in Heath Ledger’s mind he’s beaten to death by a homophobic mob. So does that mean the account of Jake’s death is a lie (even in the short story on which this based, Ledger’s character can’t decide what to believe)? No, and I’ll tell you why. The character Heath Ledger plays lives a miserable life because he rightly believes that being with Jake Gyllenhaal’s character will get them both killed. To accept Jake’s death in an accident makes his whole rationale and years of suffering a lie, because it means there were no guarantees either way, and that he wasted most of life not being with the person he loved. He has to believe that Gyllenhaal’s character got careless and his death was a result of it in order to live with the loss. Also, as depicted, there’s no way in hell Anne Hathaway’s daddy’s girl character would have accepted the murder of her husband no matter what he was doing.
I WANT YOU BACK INDEED
Death is not kidding around, people. Not only did she kill another member of The Cowsills (the real life Partridge Family and one died in Katrina last year) but she even took the drummer for the Jackson 5. But Michael Jackson and Joe Jackson live because you can’t kill evil.
ONCE A YEAR…THANK GOD
Finally, this is late because of The Oscars. I could have stayed up until 4:00 am writing it (as I’ve done more than once) but fuck you people if you can’t take me to see cowboy sodomy!...I was working, so I missed the entrance of the stars. My inner gay man is pissed. Barely noticing that Jennifer Anniston needed some freaking color, I don’t care how nice it was…Jon Stewart plays it unusually safe, but I guess going after bigger targets is his day job. Not to mention, no matter what anyone says, all comedians want the careers of Eddie Murphy. All of them….Yes, Nicole Kidman looks gorgeous, but my inner queen won’t let the color thing go. She’s too fucking pale to be wearing white. Even peach would have been acceptable? Peach? God, I can be so gay at times...Ben Stiller brings his “Theater of Pain” to the Oscars. Do you think they offered him a joke that was based on humiliation and he rejected it?...Naomi Watts looks like she’s wearing an old Oscar gown she found in the attic. And she remains as non-descript as ever, even after King Kong. No matter what, she’s that actress who kinda looks like Nicole Kidman…Dolly Parton is just a little bit scary. Baby, you’re 60 if you’re a day. Stop trying to look like you’re in your 30’s and let’s get those boobs reduced a little. I’m begging you!...I see Luke Wilson hasn’t missed any meals recently. And apparently each Wilson brother is shorter than the previous, as they have another brother who’s taller than both of them who cameos in their films (the gay cop in The Big Bounce, his cornerman in Zoolander and was in both Charlie’s Angels movies)…who lost a bet to have fucking Chicken Little characters on this show? It wasn’t even nominated. It wasn’t even successful. And only Fish Out of Water was funny and he’s not here!...Enough with the fucking montages!...Jennifer Anniston is not a star. She is someone who married a star and was left by that star for another star. Her fame is based on the twofer of fucking a star and being fucked over by two of them. She should get down on her knees and thank whatever god she believes in for Angelina Jolie’s irresistible hotness…well, Rachel Weisz is having her baby at the perfect time, as Best Supporting Actress means her career is officially over now…Cary Grant once said, “I’m at my most serious when I’m joking.” The bit about Charlize Theron’s shameless Oscar begging by downplaying her looks is funny because it’s so obviously true…Speaking of Charlize WHAT THE FUCK IS THAT ON HER SHOULDER!?! It’s like someone punched the dress and now it’s swelling up. My inner gay man is fully awake and flaming like the Human Torch over this. Hell, even straight men know that’s ugly…I have the sneaking suspicion that this musical number about the movie Crash is actually more subtle than the movie itself…I’m in the bathroom when Keanu Reeves and Sandra Bullock come out (I’m killing this white wine bottle by myself) but apparently her dress was nice. I’m just wondering if she remembers that he once said that Speed only made Sandra Bullock at star because he already was one…Geek moment: The Incredible Hulk and The Invisible Woman. Why is Jessica Alba there? Because she’s hot, that’s why and it was the only way to get Jack Nicholson and the Wilson brothers to attend. Hell, half the women are there hoping to get a piece of a drunk, celebrating George Clooney…I hate Robert Altman and glad he only got the “We’re Afraid You’re Going To Die Soon” consolation prize. And what the fuck was up with that Lily Tomlin/Meryl Streep thing? They looked like they were having fun. They were the only ones…Oh, Lauren Bacall. It hurts me to see you like this. Tell me it was medication of some sort…The pimp song wins. Sigh. I’m so glad I’m drinking…March of the Dead is very short this year. And where the fuck is Don Knotts!?! You can’t claim calendar year if you’re including Shelly Winters…Matt Damon looks thin in that black dress. Oh, wait. It’s Hillary Swank and apparently her reaction to emotional distress is the same as mine because she’s missed a few meals…Okay what is this bullshit “black tie optional” rule!?! The men have been horribly dressed all night leading up to Phillip Seymour Hoffman accepting his Oscar in his Big 80’s Best, black on black suit and shirt with a silver tie. Morgan Freeman tried the ascot, which is acceptable only if you’re Fred Astaire…Reese Witherspoon wins. I like her so I don’t mind her winning for what was essentially a supporting role or that actual leading female roles like Joan Allen in The Upside of Anger were utterly forgotten by the end of the year. And to top it off, she’s the highest paid woman in Hollywood. Ryan Phillippe, there before K-Fed…Now the writer/director of Crash shows up without a fucking tie at all. Untalented and a poor dresser…And fuck you Larry McMurtry. I know you don’t give a fuck, but it’s a fucking formal event, so put some goddamn pants on!..Ang Lee would later say he expected to win Best Picture too. As well he should have. Now I’m gonna have to fucking see Crash now. Yes, I’m going in expecting to hate it, but that only works in its favor, as I’m expecting the worst and if it gives me more than that, I may actually like it. But we know I won’t. I love that everyone everywhere is ripping its win as undeserved and an example of Hollywood cowardice, but in its defense, as a friend said to me, Hollywood’s old guard was not going to see this. Mickey Rooney, Ernest Borgnine and all the others still around were not going to see a movie where Heath Ledger fucks Jake Gyllenhaal in the ass. Hell, they’re still pissed about Midnight Cowboy winning thirty years ago…oh, and Zhang Ziyi had the best dress. The little gay man told me so before he went to sleep until Taye Diggs shows up on Will & Grace this Thursday.