EX-ENTERTAINING
Smarter than the people at Paramount were the people at Fox who rightly opened X-Men: The Last Stand for a holiday weekend! And with one of the biggest rollouts ever (3,690 screens) it’s no surprise it opened at number one. But like most film series, the third time is hardly the charm. No, it’s no Godfather III, but it’s no Indiana Jones & The Lost Crusade either. It’s more like Return of the Jedi or Die Hard III; not a horrible movie but inferior to a superior second film and obviously the first. And while I hate to admit it, it’s not all Brett Ratner’s fault. I mean, it’s mostly his fault, because he’s more interested in “boom” than he is character and The X-Men’s virtue is that it’s always been more about character first, boom second. But it doesn’t help that when Bryan Singer left, the writer who’d been with him on the first two films also left, leaving behind two guys who between them have done XXX, Elektra and The Fantastic Four. Yeah. Exactly. Characters are lost in favor of caricatures. Wolverine’s hunt for his past? Gone. Rogue’s crush on Wolverine? Gone. Even the central theme the cure for being a mutant as a metaphor for being cured of being any sort of anything viewed socially unacceptable (gay or hyperactive) is given the short shrift in favor of action sequences. Why deal with the morality of Professor X messing with Jean Grey’s mind when you can have Juggernaut kick him through the wall of a house? What do you think people are paying for? Well, Bryan Singer managed to come across with both. This film also lacks a “center” in the way the first had Rogue and Wolverine and the second film had Rogue, Iceman and Pyro. By all rights it should have been Angel, whose father develops the mutant cure, but he’s almost non-existent in this film, appearing it---and I’m not kidding---about three scenes, speaking in only two! And he isn’t the only one. At least two other prominent characters are gone midway through the film (one after 20 minutes!). And we can fully blame Ratner for the hammy performance of Hugh Jackman. Even a good actor needs direction and his scenes of “emotional anguish” are enough to warrant him returning his Tony. Halle…is pretty and she gets to fly. That’s the best I can say about her, as Storm undergoes some type of personality change that Halle’s meager acting skills are ill equipped to handle. Storm as bloodthirsty and intolerant is wrong to begin with, but Halle couldn’t do it right when she was nice. The Dark Phoenix saga is easily the apex of the forty-year history of The X-Men, but it’s not given near the attention it deserves because it has to share center stage with the “cure story.” Famke Janssen essentially looks tortured, standing in front of wind machines with her extensions blowing, reminding herself this is what pays for her indie film work and that ugly little rat dog (I keep seeing her with it downtown) that she flies first class with her.
INDIANA JONES VS. THE CATHOLIC CHURCH
The Da Vinci Code is down to number two and considering the character Tom Hanks is playing is supposed to be like Harrison Ford, you have to wonder if they tried to get him or if he tried to get it. Or maybe he really thought Firewall was better idea. Honestly, Harrison Ford has shown he’s arrogant enough to thought he was better off with Firewall, because there he was the star. The Da Vinci Code is the star of The Da Vinci Code. It has one of those followings, where, if you film it, they will come…so long as you don’t utterly fuck it up. It cost $125M to make and they easily spent another $75M promoting it, so we’re going to need at least $600M for this to be moneymaker. It’s at $329M in its second week and the next mega-film isn’t until Superman Returns at the end of June.
AND IT’S NOT LIKE THE SIXTH SENSE HAD A CATCHPHRASE
Over The Hedge is down to number three and Bruce Willis has announced Die Hard 4 is coming so like Stallone (who’s making another Rocky and another Rambo) and Schwarzenegger (who was planning a new Conan film before he became governor and will be able to return to it, ‘cause he ain’t coming back), he knows what side of his bread is buttered, M. Night Shaymalan be damned.
STOKELY CARMICHAEL IS ROLLING OVER IN HIS GRAVE
Mission Impossible III is down to number four and Lawrence Fishburne joins Samuel L. Jackson as playing hard-ass bruthas who love their country in movies. In XXX Samuel L. Jackson tells Vin Diesel the scars on his face were a small price to pay for “puttin’ foot to ass for my country” and in MI:3 Lawrence Fishburne tells Tom Cruise, “I’ll bleed on the flag to keep the stripes red.” Damn. You never heard James Earl Jones say that to Harrison Ford in the Jack Ryan movies. And what will he do to keep the other stripes white? Brush and floss after every meal? And I’m afraid to ask about the blue (“I haven’t touched a woman in 27 years to keep my balls blue for my country…”).
IN THE REAL WORLD, NO ONE CARES
Poseidon is down to number five and did anyone know there was a Real World cast member in this? Anyone care? Exactly. She should really just take it off her resume.
PORN AGAIN
RV is down to number six, followed by See No Evil at number seven and this was directed by former porn director Gregory Dark of the Dark Brothers who made their name in the 80’s doing essentially satire of porn, by making it over-the-top in every aspect (serious genital close ups, stark lighting, stating-the-obvious titles like “White Bun Busters”and treating the performers like animals by literally having the men wear pig masks). But the audience for porn isn’t really what you’d really call “intuitive” so didn’t know they were being parodied and just enjoyed the excess, making Dark Brothers movies so successful that all porn became that way. Dark went on to direct music videos, including Britney Spears which may seem an obvious evolution to some and ironic to others (he also directed an underage Traci Lords at one point in Black Throat). Doing snuff film horror is the ironic result to me, since he’s doing it straight and actually should have been part of the Scream and Buffy trend to treat it ironically. But apparently that doesn’t pay the bills and obviously doesn’t want to do porn any more, though it’s making more mainstream and making more money than ever before.
ETC.
Just My Luck is down to number eight, followed by United 93 holding at number nine (and who the hell was actually seeing this over the holiday weekend!?!) and an American Haunting at number ten.
I HATE GEEKS. ESPECIALLY MIDDLE-AGED BLACK GUYS. WAIT A MINUTE…
Yes, I saw the article about diversity in comics in the New York Times, so stop emailing me, people. I think what was most telling was that the new Batwoman is a “buxom, Latina, lipstick lesbian” involved with another Latina who is a cop on the Gotham City Police force (she was inadvertently outed by Two-Face in a very good story in the now-canceled Gotham Central comic book which was like Law & Order but set in Gotham City). Needless to say, this is unlike the original Batwoman who was “just friends” with her young, blonde Batgirl companion (who was not the Batgirl that was Commissioner Gordon’s daughter, who actually was a mentor to the most recent Batgirl who was…sigh, comics is confusing). So yes, ethnic diversity is “in” but any hint of sexual maturity amongst comic book creators or fans is obviously “out.” Aside from the fact all women fight crime half-naked in high heels with gigantic breasts, it’s not exactly a risk to have your homosexual activity hot Latina women bumping boobies. Not to many people are going to complain if the the characters drawn “coincidentially look like Salma Hayek and Eva Mendes or Eva Longoria and Jessica Alba (sorry, JLo, you’re through). They’re such rebels in comics. Sigh. This is why I’m king and why I hate my people. Also, Reginald Hudlin is quoted talking about how his current tenure as writer of Black Panther is somehow unique because it’s a Black character written from a Black perspective. No, it’s unique because he’s the first utterly talentless writer to write the Black Panther. Not to mention The Black Panther is African, not African-American meaning he knows no more about his point of view than any White guy. Hell, Charlize Theron and Dave Matthews probably know more. That he’s president of BET Entertainment explains so much about that sorry ass network. It was his idea that Storm should marry Black Panther in the comics. Other than they are both Black and from Africa (though technically Storm was born in the US but raised in Africa) there is no other reason. Like more ignorant morons, Hudlin has no idea how vast Africa is that the only two prominent African characters would meet, much less hook up. Then again this is the “talent” behind Serving Sara. Sigh. He and his brother are like the Black version of the Farrellys; they get it right once (House Party for the Hudlins, There’s Something About Mary for the Farrellys) and the rest is just crap. Ironically, they don’t get the opportunity to make as many bad movies because they’re Black. Now is this good or bad?
NEW MUSIC FOR OLD PEOPLE
My new favorite show may be which runs on Fox at 1:00am on Saturday night (technically Sunday morning). It’s 30 minutes of bands playing live. Period. No interviews, no videos, just bands playing in an empty club. That MTV doesn’t have a show like this is proof of how much is sucks. And it’s perfect for old people like me who are not going out to see anybody. Granted, this doesn’t help Juliette Lewis and her band (who are technically proficient, but I couldn’t remember their song if you paid me), but I discovered Kasabian and their song “Processed Beats.”
GOD THINKS IT'S FUNNY WHEN YOU CRY
Okay, what exactly did Jennifer Anniston do to piss off Fate so much? It’s just toying with her at this point. Every time she makes a gain, it throws her a loss. Public sympathy over Brad Pitt? Here comes the news that Angelina Jolie is pregnant. Her big summer movie is opening in less than a week? Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie have what is genetically predisposed to be the most beautiful baby that ever lived. Hollywood royalty with an Oscar winning grandfather and Oscar winning mother. A baby she never could have given him. We’ll know if it’s really still fucking with her if a picture of the baby is released the day the movie opens. Debbie Reynolds please give this woman a call! She could use your support (her husband, Eddie Fisher, ran off with Elizabeth Taylor in a very public fashion after they worked on Butterfield 8 together; Liz did apologize a few decades later, but Eddie---father of Carrie---remains a bastard to this day). Hell, maybe you and Mary Louise Parker (who was eight months pregnant when Billy Crudup ran off with Claire Danes after they worked on together on Stage Beauty making him one of the few men who actually traded down) can take Jennifer out for some drinks. Maybe Mia Farrow will swing by too. And Minnie Driver (dumped on Oprah by Matt Damon for Winona Ryder)! Maybe Heather Locklear. I dunno. After seeing that picture of Richie Sambora’s flabby gut in the paper, I’m thinking maybe she’s better off (you’re rich and you don’t have a real job; get a personal trainer, dude). Man, this list is getting long. But Jerry Hall can’t come because she publicly dumped Bryan Ferry for Mick Jagger, so she got what she deserved in the end. But if you invite Bryan Ferry he can sing sad love songs! Plus, he put the “oo” in “smooth” and that’s always good to have around.
HOT TIME SUMMER IS THE CITY/WHY DO SO MANY MEN HAVE TITTIES?
Finally, as grateful as I am for it to finally get warm, there is a price to be paid. First there is the return of the dreaded “sweaty crotch” when walking even a block results in the funky moistness of your neither regions (whether you have hair or not). This means you fuckers who don’t wash your $100 jeans better start saving dry cleaning money, because funk doesn’t clings to Diesel the way it clings to Levis. Second, is the mixed blessing of naked flesh. On the naturally firm young people, it’s a beautiful, beautiful thing and there are times I think my neck will twist off because there’s so much to ogle. On the rest of us, the less seen the better and I think I will go blind from the horrors on display. Why is it always the flabbiest, mushiest people who have the least amount of shame about their Jabba-theHutt-like physiques? I’m all for loving yourself for what you are, but let’s get real. If your stomach isn’t flat you are forbidden to show it, period! I don’t show my pudge or my man-boobs and I expect all the rest of you to fall in line! When I’m king, it’s going to be punishable by death. Or an all-vegetarian diet. I don’t know which is worse.
05/22/06
The DaVinci Code opens at number one proving thing: there is no such thing as bad publicity. Not that having the Catholic Church hate you is bad. But it seemed as though for a second bad reviews were going to derail this express line to year-end bonuses for everyone at Sony. Not so. Between this and the guaranteed audience for a Memorial Day weekend, I’d say they had nothing to worry about. Then again, they never did for this latest literary cult. Well, I didn’t buy into Harry Potter and I didn’t buy into this. Ironically enough, my dad bought the book “Holy Blood, Holy Grail” which first purported the theory that Christ faked his death when it first came out more than twenty years ago (my dad is one step away from being a conspiracy theorist and the only good thing about the failure of my sisters and I to be successful is that it won’t allow him to retire and spend his time on the internet exploring more theories and connect with that community of nuts). So, I wasn’t a bit shocked that they sued him, only that it took them so long, because as soon as I first heard the plot, I thought of their book. But I never read their book either, despite the two decades it’s been in my house. Besides, could any of it amount to the free show being given by Catholic Church in trying to fight it. Like most morons in their position, they fail to realize the more they fight it, the more they interest people who never would have given it a second thought thanks to the controversy they’ve created. And their myopia is stunning in its denial. Blaming a fictional book because people want to believe it's true? That’s like blaming the guy who uses you as the basis for a character of a murderer in his book and not the police who act as though it’s true. And not blaming yourself for having a criminal history to begin with, which is what inspired the book! For the Catholic Church it’s not The Inquisition, imprisoning Galileo, ignoring the slave trade, supporting the Crusades, ignoring The Holocaust and hiding pedophile priests that are to blame for the people who want to believe a book where the Catholic Church is a deceptive empire. Oh no, book which isn’t all that well written from all critical accounts. I love it. That’s why I’m sorry it’s not a better movie, because as we all know, bad books usually make good movies because there’s no where to go but up. Unfortunately, Ron Howard is a very hit or miss director and will never, ever be mistaken for an artist. Besides, something like this really needs a tortured Catholic like Scorsese to do it, but he’d never sink so low as to do something like this. Just be thankful no Jewish director did it or a company run by Jews. Then all hell would have broken loose, but if we were lucky, it would have inspired Mel Gibson to weigh in with his crazy. I ‘ve been very disappointed he’s had nothing to say about good Catholic girl Katie Holmes being taken away by the Scientologists. Too bad he stopped drinking in the 80’s. I’d put a few in him then stick him on Nightline, but that’s just me.
NEW MEANING TO THE WORD TWO-DIMENSIONAL
Over The Hedge opens at number one and what’s the first rule of a bad animated film, kids? If you have to advertise your stars, it means your product sucks. Notice how the latest Pixar film, Cars is their first to do so and coincidentally looks like utter shit. And what’s the first rule of a comedy? If Bruce Willis is in it, it’s not funny, because he’s one of those people who doesn’t realize for comedy to work it must be played straight. This why he’s never been funnier than he is in action movies, where he has to play the character straight. It’s sad, because like Stallone, he’s got great comic timing with a one liner (if you can ignore the gore, utter misogyny and Halle Berry as a stripper who doesn’t strip, The Last Boy Scout is one funny movie). What’s our second rule of a bad animated film, kids? The more they need to pack the movie with stars, the more it’s probable the movie sucks. This has Bruce Willis, Nick Nolte (hey, drugs and lawyers don’t pay for themselves), Thomas Haden Church, Allison Janey and William Shatner. Now what really surprising is that it also has Steve Carell, Wanda Sykes, Eugene Levy and Catherine O’Hara, people who know what real funny is about, so they’re obviously just here to please their kids and/or collect a paycheck. I’m sure it’s a great pacifier for the kids, but it’s supposed to be. You drop them here while you go to see The Da Vinci Code and everyone is happy. Also, the coming holiday weekend will be a license to print money for them. It’s pretty hard to fuck up talking animals and computer animation (though The Wild did a pretty good job a few weeks ago).
PRETTY…PRETTY SHORT
Mission Impossible is down to number three and people keep talking about how Michelle Monahagn looks like Katie Holmes. I don’t see it. Michelle Monaghan is not only prettier, but she doesn’t talk like she just had a fucking stroke, with one half of her face remaining immobile. Not to mention Katie Holmes is 5’9” and Michelle Monaghan wouldn’t have a job next to Tom Cruise if she were the same. Sadly, this may be her biggest role---unless someone wants to tell me of the woman who had a successful career post-Tom Cruise? Damn sure ain’t Thandie Newton. Twenty years of co-stars results in just two: Renee Zellweger and Nicole Kidman. Penelope Cruz’s career is a joke. Funny how she’s gone unmentioned during all this Katie Holmes talk. Maybe you people finally realize she’s not pretty and looks like the daughter of Gonzo The Great.
HEY, STILL BEATS WORKING FOR A LIVING, DUDE
Poseidon is down to number four and I’d like to feel sorry for Josh Lucas, but I cannot. He obviously based his leading man choices on what would make him a star over quality, so it’s his own fault. I mean, if it didn’t work for Matthew McConughey, who’s as pretty as it can get, it’s not going to work for a less-attractive version of the same guy. He needs to just suck it up and try getting some of that Mark Ruffalo money and start supporting female actresses. God knows he has to be less of a dick than Ruffalo and between the two of them, only he had the successful movie with Reese Witherspoon (Sweet Home Alabama, where he actually beat out Patrick Dempsey, which would be impossible now). But he’s going to do it. Either on the big screen for women like Jennifer Anniston (whom Mark Ruffalo has also made a movie with) or on the small screen with Heather Graham (whom Josh Lucas was last seen banging), but he’s going to do it.
THOUGH TINY WOMEN HAVE TERRORIZED ME ALL MY LIFE
RV is down to number five, followed by See No Evil at number six, the latest of the current resurgence of slasher films with an “R” rating and no trace of irony over its inherent silliness. As it turns out, according to an article in the New York times, women love these movies as much as men. That being the case, where are the movies where the killer is a woman? I mean, it happens occasionally, but I guess for a truly threatening bad guy, you need someone big enough to make fighting them terrifying. In this particular movie, the bad guy is pro wrestler, Kane. I mean when someone 6’9”, 200 pounds is coming at you (yes, he’s six-fucking-nine) with a knife, you’re gonna be scared. Not going to work with many women, though this could be the career salvation Chyna Phillips is looking for.
AND IT BURNS TOO!
Just My Luck is down to number seven and I trust we’ve all seen the video clip of oil heir, Brandon Davis talking shit about Lindsay Lohan, which is the best thing that could happen to her. She was sorely needing some public sympathy and having a drunk, bloated rich kid---whose life of leisure comes from oil in a time of gas prices skyrocketing---talking shit about you while Paris Hilton giggles alongside him, is a gift from the gods. Her publicist sacrificed a goat to Zeus the day after it happened she was so happy. And she did the classy afterwards: no reply at all. Also the work of her publicist, because let’s not pretend she has any class. People, if her lifestyle and choices confuse you at all just remember: she’s from Long Island. And on a totally unrelated note, yes, red pubic hair is an unnatural, terrifying thing and the term “firebush” was around long before spoiled little rich boys. I prefer to call it “Satan’s Beard.”
ETC.
An American Haunting is down to number eight, followed by United 93 at number nine and Akeelah & The Bee close out the top ten at number ten.
LOOKS LIKE SHE SMELLS
So, I’ve spoken often of my Surrogate sister and her successful career as a stylist. Ironically, years ago she was offered a career in front of the camera, but realized for that life she’d have to take care of her her looks, which meant no partying until four in the morning, so she said “Screw it” and went to SUNY Albany, which makes the list of top party schools in the nation every year, occasionally reaching number one. Well, it seems destiny won’t be denied as she makes an appearance in the June issue of Marie Claire in an ad for Secret deodorant (music trivia: Nirvana’s “Smells Like Teen Spirit” comes from the ad for teen Secret) on page 202. I, personally, do not see it. I only see the annoying person who will not learn about her computer, only complain until you fix it for her and that ain’t pretty. Especially now that she’s only four blocks away from me. Sigh.
PLEASE, SIR, MAY I HAVE ANOTHER TASTING FOR $7.50?
So, for the first time in years, I all but missed my beloved 9th Avenue Food Festival because I’ve so fucked up my life, I work full-time Saturday and Sunday. Because irony is such a part of my life I had no choice but to have it tattooed on my ass back in ’94, my temp job at the real estate company had me working a table down at Taste of Tribeca because they have a new development there. Yes, an SUV was hired to pick us all up in the morning to take us down, but it’s not worth it considering it was 8 in the fucking morning! And when there I had only the most humiliating huckster duties. We were to get people to come an “after party” at the development (a warehouse being renovated on Greenwich) so this somehow led to me blowing bubbles for hours because it attracted kids, which then brought their parents over the table. Worst yet, it was my idea because the alternative was being a traditional huckster, yelling at people. Now, despite the restaurants down at Taste of Tribeca, it’s rip-off because it’s not like you can go from table to table eating. Oh, no. It’s ticketed event, where you pay $45 for six tastings. This is why it blows and my beloved 9th Avenue Food Festival rules. Initially we were not even given tickets by the developers, but they finally came around and allowed us to share a ticket. Gee, thanks. Fortunately, the others were busier than I, so I actually managed to get a nice rib from The Odeon, pulled pork and a watermelon wedge from Walker’s (my favorite), chicken skewers from Mary Ann’s, mini-quiche from either Bouley or Dabube, mini-chicken wraps from Mocca and a chilli dog from Edward’s. But if you know anything about me and eating at a fair, that was next to nothing. I mean nothing! In fact, my food fair eating buddies (Young Married Couple) showed up because they now live down there and were aghast at the bullshit prices, considering how we would walk up and down 9th Ave eating everything from roasted pork on a spit to shark. I was also required to stand in the street with a bunch of balloons so massive, they threatened to take me off the ground in the winds that were kicking up all day. Yes, so if you saw a guy standing in the middle of Greenwich Street holding a bunch of balloons, that was me. Well, one of them anyway. After that was all over was the actual after-party where they had a cupcake bar for the kids (build your won cupcake with a choice of icing and toppings, such as sprinkles and M&Ms) and regular bar and hors d’oeuvres for adults. I partook of both. But aside from the minor food and drink I got, the real highlight of my day was being able to see a broker at the firm I call Joan Allen, because well, she looks like Joan Allen to me. In fact she’s a former actress who wound up marrying a Tony-winning Broadway producer (the clichéd nature of it all is not lost on her). My own projected fantasies aside, Joan Allen is very sweet (she’s Canadian) and I cannot understand why she likes working in such a shark-infested business. Then again, being a tall, thin, attractive blonde is far from a liability in real estate. In fact, when The New York Times did their little profile of Upper East Side blondes a few weeks ago, I was only one of the people who called Joan Allen saying it made me think of her. But I was most amused when the lead singer from Dashboard Confessional showed up because he knew one of the brokers. Yes, he was as tiny as all celebrities tend to be (shorter even than me), but rocked the world of the 23-year-old gay guy I now work with. I left soon afterwards to hang out with Young Married Couple in their new Tribeca apartment. She misses the West Village something awful, but as far as moves go it could be worse. They could be in Brooklyn. Or the Upper East Side.
PERSONALLY, I TAKE BOOBS VERY SERIOUSLY
Idelweiss used to be a tranny club on 11th Ave that I’d pass on my way to the gym (get it? Edelweiss from The Sound of Music?). It closed down and while the upstairs remains empty, the large doorman and dull thud of bass let me know something else had moved into the downstairs portion. Since I only saw bruthas outside of it, I naturally thought hip-hop club. That is until I saw an overly-made up White girl head inside, obviously going to work. Okay, so now I’m thinking low-rent dance club, given the lack of annoying club kids lined up outside. Last week it was finally made clear to me what it really was thanks the guy working the door trying to entice me in. “Hey, got strippers inside tonight.” But here comes the kicker, when I didn’t respond to that immediately, he took another reading of me and threw out something else: “…and comedy.” Yes, when the idea of naked women fails, throw out naked women…and jokes! Because there are men out there who just can’t enjoy boobs without jokes about what part of the chicken the McNugget comes from. And speaking of strippers, One of the bright points of my walk to the gym is seeing the very obvious girls walking to the Penthouse Strip Club on 11th Avenue. They range from the too-old-and-sloppy-to-still-be-doing this women to the oh-my-god-I-can’t-believe-you’re-doing-this girls who obviously came in by bridge or tunnel for the kinda of money you can only get in Manhattan.
GOD KNOWS IT’S NOTHING ON THE NEW PRINCE ALBUM
Okay, “Promiscuous” is going to be my summertime song (even though I’ll probably be sick of it mid-June if it becomes a hit). Evidently, Nelly Futardo decided she needed to make some money on her third album (if you missed her second, you’re not alone) and hired producer extraordinaire Timbaland to do a track for her that he also appears on. But you if you saw them on Saturday Night Live, you didn’t get the good version. Neither one of them will be confused with Mariah Carey. They both need the help of a studio, so stick to the album track and the video (where Justin Timberlake appears). Also, the baby weight she put on looks damn good on her. She’s like what Courtney Cox would be without an eating disorder and fake boobs, but with a nice ass.
SMART IS SEXY…WHEN THERE’S A NICE ASS ATTACHED TO IT
Speaking of Saturday Night Live, the way Tina Fey shakes her ass makes me think she’s kept the company of people of color in the past. Her little song and dance about “when you have an ass like this/ you don’t hide in a lab/that’s why Margaret/uh-uh-uh” all but confirmed it for me, not to mention that joke about “tig ole bitties” which either she or one of the bruthas wrote. And when you consider she used to be twenty pounds heavier and is from Chicago, that spells Leroy or Ahmal meeting her after auditions. I have another friend in Chicago who was once actually asked if she were auditioning for an R. Kelly video, being a somewhat “thick” white girl . I told her she should have gone for it, but “making it clap” isn’t in her repertoire.
GETTIN’ MY GEEK ON
I finally caught the rerun of the second half of the season finale of Battlestar Galactica. I’ve praised this show in the past (to the mystery of my brother who thinks it sucks), but as good as it’s been, it transcended this time. Everyone should know the set up of the show as it’s the same as the original: humans pursued through space by a race of robots they created. Every week a new adventure on this “wagon train” in space. Well, in the final episode, they found a habitable planet settled on it then ONE YEAR LATER pops up onscreen. Holy. Shit. Characters are married and pregnant and leading entirely new lives and not with the people you wanted them to. Then the Cylons show up and humanity surrenders. See you in August! Fuck you people and your little Lost. This is the real shit.
WHY I’M KING, PART 2,947
This is an actual story told to me in the comic book store, which sadly, sadly explains why I’m king:
“So, when the Star Wars Trilogy comes out on DVD I’m dating this geek girl who buys it and I convince her to bring it over to my place, right? I’ve got the stereo hookup and the widescreen TV. So she does and even though she’s supposedly a geek girl, I can tell she’s a little bored because during the attack on the Death Star, she starts making it clear she’d rather be doing other things, if you know what I’m saying. But it’s the trench run, man! On the digitally remastered DVDs! She’s supposed to a geek girl! She should know better! So anyway, when it’s over I turn to her and she’s putting her shoes on to go home. Oh, well”
Okay, there are many things wrong with this story, starting with how could he not buy his own copy (the first and most important actually) and ending with GEEKS CAN NEVER AFFORD TO TURN DOWN SEX! Now, I had a geek girl give me shit about my Playstation 2 or watching Justice League, but what she failed to remember was it was only because she made a drunken booty call and when she came over had to go puke almost immediately. Otherwise, my priorities remain firm: actual naked women beat everything else in the geek world and I mean everything. This is why I’m king (the opening of Superman Returns on June 30th being the exception that proves the rule so you bitches best back up off me then).
05/15/05
Mission Impossible III holds at number one and Tom Cruise sought out Kanye West to do a version of Mission Impossible Theme the way U2 did for the first (which was boring as hell, but successful) and Limp Bizkit did for the second (which wasn’t bad but justified hatred for Fred Durst doomed it). Well he does…something, but it was nowhere in the film I can remember so what’s the point? When he tears out of the bad guys headquarters in MI:II and those power chords kick in, you can feel your heart start to pump. It helps to move the film. This is some club-inspired bullshit, which has no place anywhere. Yes, I hate Kanye West, but even I’ll admit “Golddigger” was catchy and even “Jesus Walks” has some impact, not to mention “Go” which he produced for Common (with hip hop’s favorite white boy, John Mayer, on guitar), but the crap he did for this movie would be bad even if they threw it into one of those lame “good guys go to a strip club” scenes that always turn up in only the worst action films. Then again, it’s hard to create music for a movie that lacks any sense of style, which is why some of the more impressive stunts in this film fall flat, like when Tom Cruise has to lean out of the side of a car to shoot out the tires of a car chasing them. It has none of the energy of say, either of the Bourne films with Matt Damon, which kicked so much ass it’s not even funny.
MORE IN THE SPIRIT OF THE REAL TITANIC
Poseidon opens at number two and hopefully a lot of people will loose their jobs over this for their part in bringing it to the big screen. I mean, why? Disaster films were awful and only enjoyable for their fading-star-camp-value and super-70’s fashion sense. Their only use past 1980 was as the backdrop for action films (the worst thing about this is that is utterly rules out The Poseidon Adventure as the backdrop for the next Die Hard movie the way the first two were Towering Inferno and Airport). Not to mention they remade this as a TV movie first and it tanked too. I mean, they’re like horror films without a “fun evil” killing off your cast. They just fall and drown. Yawn And what’s the big problem? If you can swim, just go to where the water is coming in, swim out and up to the surface. The ship is just upside down, not 20, 000 Leagues under the sea. I can’t understand why this wasn’t the most obvious solution. Even if you’re old or can’t swim this works. Just grab a floatation device and hold your breath. It will do the work for you. And just as the original Poseidon Adventure was populated with A-list stars who had fallen from grace and strong B-listers, so is this filled with has-beens and never weres. B-list King, Kurt Russell, who never quite made it to A-list, even after forty years in the business; Josh Lucas, his modern-day counterpart, who also can’t break that ceiling (only Will & Grace Jack actually says if we wanted to see Matthew McConughey with his shirt on, he’d look at Josh Lucas). Richard Dreyfuss, once totally A-list in not only the 70’s but as a comeback kid in the 80’s. Andre Braugher, who is A-list TV, but B-list on the big screen and the rest is filled out with Kevin Dillon (whose much more successful brother was still only A-list before he was legal to drink), Fergie of the Black Eye Peas and one alumni of The Real World, which shows how far down on the food chain this goes. Needless to say, the bulk of the $200M budget went to effects, because it wasn’t on star salaries. These people would be lucky if they didn’t have to share a trailer. And how lucky am I as a geek that director Wolfgang Petersen didn’t get to make his Superman vs. Batman movie and instead we got Batman Begins and Superman Returns? He left that to make the new drinking game classic that is Troy. What’s the Troy drinking game? Well, I created it myself and it goes like this. Gather your friends for one of the 20 times a day it’s been running on cable and any time people speak about living their lives to be remembered in history, you have to take a shot. Because it’s about a Greek myth, make it uzo. You’ll all be passed out before Hector dies, I guarantee it. Let me put it this way, you take your first shot BEFORE THE OPENING CREDITS!
IT BEGINS AND END WITH SOMETHING WILD
RV is down to number two and Jeff Daniels is in this and talk about an inconsistent career. On one hand he’s doing artwork like The Squid & The Whale and Good Night and Good Luck then on the other he’s doing Because of Winn Dixie and The Five People You Meet in Heaven. Could it be more obvious that one is paying bills? Surrogate Sister tells me sadly that he’s a bit of a dick when it comes to promoting his films, so he’s like Richard Burton in that he suffers some degree of self-hatred for the bill-paying projects (Burton considered all filmwork whoredom compared to the stage and it was part of why he drank so much while working on them). Of course he changed his tune a bit when he realized they were from New York, so he’s one of those kinda dicks too (while like me he’s from fucking Georgia). I love New York, but being from here doesn’t instantly make you cool. I’ve met far too many assholed for that to be the case. After all, everyone on the Upper East Side is a New Yorker too. Doesn’t mean they don’t all deserve to die. And they do. And then there’s Staten Island…
IF IT WEREN’T FOR BAD LUCK, SHE’D HAVE NO LUCK AT ALL
Just My Luck opens at number four and how sad is Lindsay Lohan’s life right now? Her dad wrote a freaking reply letter to Blender magazine after they did an article about Lousy Rock Star Parents and he was (of course) mentioned---AND THEY PRINTED IT! I’m sure she’d rather actually being seen doing coke with Kate Moss than hear about that shit. This is a rip-off of Freaky Friday and strangely that movie that even Martin Short would like to forget, Pure Luck )about the unluckiest man in the world looking for the unluckiest woman). In this, she’s the luckiest girl in the world who switches luck with the unluckiest guy, but the most ridiculous fantasy element is that she’s playing a girl in her 20’s. Sigh. The difference between young male and young female actors is that pathetic middle-aged Hollywood execs have no problem allowing a girl try and play older, but they’d never do it for a male. For example: Frankie Muniz wouldn’t be allowed to play in his 20’s even though he’s older than Lindsay Lohan, who in no way looks 22. I’d love to say that she wouldn’t be able to get into bars in the real world, but since Mean Girls was on cable last night, I can tell you, sadly, those boobs would have gotten her in anywhere. 18 and 21 mean nothing compared to 36C. The person who should actually be starring in this film is Samaire Armstrong, but since I like her based on her appearances on entourage (you didn’t actually think I watched The OC did you?), I’m glad she’s not starring in this disaster and is actually getting more positive exposure in the video for that godawful song “Bad Day.” Jesus, does that ever suck and to hear that ugly bastard going on about how he didn’t want to be a star or make the kind of music every one else is making is making me ill. Well, you’re not chief, because other people are making stuff that’s actually listenable. Even Nickelback is better. And how is it that his crappy song isn’t being used in commercials for this bad movie. It seems a no brainer.
OTHERS
An American Haunting is down to number five, followed by United 93 and like The Poseidon Adventure remake this was also preceded by a TV movie version. No, I didn’t watch that either.
SCHOOL’S IN SESSION: MOVIES TO TV IN THE 70’S
Stick It is down to number seven and what the hell is Polly Holiday doing here? Sadly, I didn’t even know she was still alive. But I think it’s only Vic Tayback that’s dead. For the kids out there: Martin Scorsese made a film called Alice Doesn’t Live Here Anymore. Back in the 60’s and 70’s movies were adapted into TV shows all the time and this was no exception, but they only called the show “Alice.” Ellen Burstyn played Alice in the movie, while Linda Lavin played her on TV. Diane Lane played Flo in the movie while Polly Holiday played Flo on TV and was very popular because of it. Oh, and Jodie Foster, Kris Kristofferson were in it as well. This movie has got to be the first time I’ve seen Polly Holiday since I stopped watching Alice, cursed by my dad’s refusal to watch any TV show where the people weren’t attractive (which is why he never understood the success of Laverne & Shirley).
IT ALL COMES BACK TO COMICS
Ice Age: The Meltdown is down to number eight, followed by Silent Hill at number nine and Hoot holds the top ten spot and I have to wonder did Luke Wilson lose a bet to be in this movie or did producer Jimmy Buffet just have some reeeeeally good weed on him when he asked? This was directed by Wil Shriner who I always confuse with his twin brother, Kin Shriner (also in the movie in a cameo) who played Scotty Baldwin, Laura’s first husband on General Hospital and if you know what I’m talking about you’re probably a middle-aged woman or middle-aged gay man. I’m just middle-aged and very, very sad. But in my defense, Kin Shriner also does the voice of Green Arrow on Justice League Unlimited, which just ended with a great episode with Darkseid invading earth, which is actually a continuation of a storyline that began on Superman The Animated Series back in 1996.
MORE STARS ON 8TH STREET THAN ARE IN THE HEAVENS
The beauty of New York City is that you can be walking down the street thinking of a celebrity and then see that very celebrity. In this case I was thinking of Ralph Fiennes for some odd reason (probably a billboard of his Broadway show) and there he is walking down 5th Avenue with a shopping bag, a lot balder than you’d think (shorter goes without saying, though he may actually hit six feet). Because it was Sunday, I naturally had Grey’s Anatomy on my mind, so it seemed appropriate to see Sandra Oh walking east on St. Mark’s place with some guy with his arm around her. I can only think everyone on that show is tiny, because she seems normal sized, when she’s actually itty-bitty (as a very nice girl once described me in college---in reference to my height, you fuckwit--never realizing how she’d instantly crippled my self-esteem).
CINCO, SEIS, SIETE…ON THROUGH SEPTIEMBRE
As has become my annual tradition, Cinco De Mayo means the beginning of frozen margarita season in my house and if you know me, you know I make the dangerous sweet version that involves tequila, triple sec, frozen limeade and sprite. It’s like an adult Slurpee. They go down quick and easy, like a Catholic girl on prom night and can hurt you just as much if you’re not careful. Me, tequila has never hurt me (neither have Catholic girls; it’s those Jewish girls who have been a problem). Unlike other liquors, I’ve never shown tequila anything but respect and she’s always been good to me, even allowing me to keep it up while having sex though utterly drunk (though leaving me so numb I couldn’t feel anything) and never punishing me the next day. I’ve disrespected wine and paid the price. I’ve disrespected beer and paid the price. I’ve disrespected vodka and Russian bartenders and paid the price. But I’ve never disrespected tequila and she’s never hurt me. I think it goes without saying that I’ve had half-pitcher while writing this. That’s why my pants are off. Not that they wouldn’t be anyway, but I’m enjoying it more now.
BUT DON’T LOOK FOR ANY PORN LIKE THIS
When I was in younger, I kept company with a lot of Asian men (two roommates, one Korean and one Japanese and their friends) and one thing I learned was that the poaching of their women by even the homeliest of White guys did not go unnoticed and was not appreciated. In fact, in a poll on interracial dating, the most opposed to it were Asian Men and Black women because they were the ones suffering the most from it in their opinion (Black Man /White Woman is actually the number two form of interracial dating in America, with White Man/Asian Woman at number one). That a lot of these guys tend to be Jewish has upset a few Jewish women too, who know damn well Seth is going to choose Lucy Liu over Fran Drescher (they’re both from Queens) because the desire not to marry your mother is an especially powerful influence with Jewish men. Well, progress has been made since I was a lad because I see Asian Men with non-Asian women more and more these days. And not just dating either. I’m seeing baby carriages. I’ve actually seen one couple twice in the West Village and what makes it amazing is that she’s Black, because sistas are worse than Jewish women about going outside the group. They just don’t do it. I can only think they must have met at a Mutual Bitterness Meeting, but I don’t understand why because they were both very pretty and all New York chic, both in nothing but designer black. I was dying to see the kid in the carriage they were pushing because Naomi Campbell, Amerie and Tyson Beckford (not to mention Tank from the first Matrix movie) are examples of what can happen when that’s done right and they were too pretty not to have done it right. In any case, wherever you are, Jason, you’ve been borne out, my brutha! Be bitter no more! You and the others can stop defacing posters for movies like China Girl (I’m not kidding; they attacked them all over when that movie came out). Buffy and Tonisha will give you their numbers now because they’ve realized that Long Duk Dong is better than no dong at all.
05/08/06
YOUR MISSION, SHOULD YOU CHOOSE TO ACCEPT IT, IS MAKE TOM CRUISE SEEM SANE
So Mission Impossible III opened at number one but is still being seen as a disappointment because it opened less than Mission Impossible II. Cruise is being blamed for being so publicly crazy, but wasn’t he being publicly crazy when War of the Worlds opened last year? How about it was a bad idea to open this fucking movie two weeks before the big holiday weekend? How about John Woo had his own cadre of fans who’d never have seen that movie otherwise? A cadre that JJ Abrams noticeably lacks. I mean, Alias has never ever been a huge hit, so why did they think giving him the same playground but with more money was going to be different somehow? Some people just belong on the small screen and JJ Abrams is one of them. It’s no surprise he’s friends with Joss Whedon, who shone on the small screen with Buffy, but tanked on the big screen with Serenity. Bear in mind both David “Fight Club” Fincher and Joe “Narc” Carahan were signed to direct, but left over “creative differences” with Tom Cruise (they probably wanted to make it genuinely interesting). Also know that Dougray Scott had to give up the role of Wolverine because the shooting of Mission Impossible II ran over sue to power struggles between Cruise and John Woo and imagine how good he must have been for Hugh Jackman to be SECOND CHOICE. Basically, like Bruce Willis he’s learned that A-list directors can get you respect, but it’s also good to have guys you can just walk all over. The movie isn’t bad per se, but unlike the second film, which took the series to another level, this just kind of stays there, but without any of the grand action scenes from either of the two previous installments. They come close with a bridge attack, but never take it was far as it needs to go (and yes, we get him dangling from something) and the climactic showdown with Phillip Seymour Hoffman is pretty much between the two of them and since you know Phillip Seymour Hoffman ain’t jumping off buildings, you know it’s not exactly going to make anyone forget Bruce Lee. And as far as the plot twist goes, if you can’t see it coming in the first half hour, then you’re simply not paying attention (and didn’t see the first film). In fact, as a villain Phillip Seymour Hoffman is noticeably absent from most of the movie, making me realize that’s always been a major part of this series: emotional involvement from the bad guy. Instead, we get even more personal involvement of Tom Cruise’s character and frankly I’d rather have more bad guy. Not to mention more of his team. Ving Rhames gets more lines than ever here, but the younger, more attractive agents Maggie Q (Quigley for anyone who cares) and Jonathan Rhys Meyers are only given enough to make you want more from them. And god forbid these two hot team members hook up while on assignment and give us a sex scene with genuine chemistry.
THAT HAND FROM THE GRAVE SCARRED A GENERATION
RV is down to number two, followed by An American Haunting at number three and we know I’ll never see this because I don’t do the scary, much less scary based on a true story and not a bullshit true story like Amityville, where every movie leaves out him having a garage sale at the place after the supposed haunting. This one I’d never heard of and quite frankly I like it that way. And what’s up with Sissy Spacek showing up recently in these things? Last time she was in The Ring 2 and now she’s here. Is it full-grown geek filmmakers who never got over Carrie doing a little Quentin Tarantino by casting her?
“I AM THE ONE AND ONLY” YEAH, THAT SONG SUCKED
Stick It is down to number three and it was very sad to see Julie Warner in little more than a cameo as the bitchy mother of the bitchy girl? For one brief moment when Michael J. Fox was the center of the universe and she was playing his love interest in Doc Hollywood, she was supposed to be someone (thanks in no small part to being introduced topless in the film). See, it wasn’t just Michael J. Fox that was hurt by Parkinson’s, it was every actress under 5’5” that had a chance at work because she could be his love interest. Hey, Tom Cruise can’t employ all of them. She’s never really stopped working, having a run on Nip/Tuck as the dying lover of Sean and was recently on House, but that’s the closest to hot she’s been since Doc Hollywood.
ERIN GO TYPECASTING
United 93 is down to number five followed by Ice Age: The Meltdown at number six and Silent Hill down to number seven and also in this is Sean Bean, the guy you call to play your English Accented bad guy when Patrick Bergin isn’t available. Ironically, they’re both Irish and played Irish bad guys together in Patriot Games. But they’re both getting kinda old now. Who’s going to be the next evil English baddie? Given how his career hasn’t really gone the way it was supposed to, don’t be surprised to see Jude Law playing some sophisticated psycho fighting Paul “Pretty Boy” Walker in something soon. Oh, and know that every interview will be how “liberating” it was to play evil. This is why actors need scripts, people.
THIS IS PART WHERE ONCE AGAIN, I GEEK SO HARD IT’S SCARY
Scary Movie 4 is down to number eight and as you can tell, also in this is Shaquille O’Neal and they do another fucking free throw joke! How old is this!?! Who still thinks it’s funny!?! They don’t even use it in his commercials any more! And he’s bitching now about how he didn’t get a little role in the new Superman movie. Fuck you. Why the fuck should they cast you? Because you think fucking up a Mercedes and a mansion with Superman insignias gives you some sort Superman cache!?! I love Superman more than life itself, that’s just stupid and low class and the living definition of more money than sense. Isn’t it bad enough you shit all over one Superman character with your Steel movie? Because I know you care, Steel was John Henry Irons, a construction worker who Superman saved and when Irons asked how he could repay him, Superman replied, “Pass it on.” So when Superman was briefly killed, Irons built a Superman suit and started doing good deeds around Metropolis. As it turns out, Irons was a former weapons designer for the government (Dr. John Henry Irons), who became disillusioned by his work and was getting away from it all by working construction. His character was successful enough to warrant his own series---until it was ironically taken over by a black writer and artist and they pretty much destroyed the book. He’s now a supporting character in the Superman books. The crappy movie with Shaquille O’Neal, basically turned him into an “inner city Iron Man” which no one needed.
OWLS? ARE YOU SERIOUS?
Hoot opens at number nine and who cares? Seriously. Even for a cheesy family film this looks lame. And its opening pretty much confirms others felt the same.
THE END
Akeelah & The Bee closes out the top ten at number ten, but still giving Lawrence Fishburne two films in the top ten, including Mission Impossible 3.
IT’S CALL THE “TRIBECA” FILM FESTIVAL, RIGHT?
The Tribeca Film Festival closed this week and I sadly only got to see two films and two shorts. My fucked up work schedule prevented me from seeing a lot, but it wasn’t helped by the fact that the films were playing all over fucking Manhattan instead of just downtown. Um, excuse me? But wasn’t the point of all this to boost downtown? Since when does the Lincoln Center Area need help? They’ve already got one fucking festival. So this ruled out seeing more than one film a night. I love movies, but I’m not rushing from 68th to Wall Street for something. Combined, this cost me the movie that could have defined my life: I Want Someone To Eat Cheese With. No, I’m not kidding. A romantic comedy about women and food! Written, directed by and starring Jeff Garlin. Also not helping was only THREE FUCKING SHOWINGS!!!! THIS WAS MY MOVIE TO SEE! Sigh. Anyway, I did manage to catch a short about the history of Superman called “In A Single Bound” which was pretty decent though incomplete and totally kissed Warner Brothers’ ass in the end But it had a rather sweet and surprisingly poignant interview with Jack Lawson and Noel Neill, who played Jimmy Olsen and Lois Lane on the old series. You can learn all about it here: http://www.supermandoc.com/home.htm. The other short I saw was a great Dutch short about losing your virginity. It was four stories told with animation from a women and men. I wish I could have seen more, but I was just too fucking tired to stay. My second goal film was TV Set, which was written and directed by Jake Kasdan. Yes, son of Lawrence. But he wrote and directed The Zero Effect, which was very good and I told him so at the Q&A afterwards to which he replied “Oh, you’re the guy.” In any case, it’s about the insanity of getting a pilot on network TV and the compromises made. David Duchovny is the writer producer of the show, while Sigourney Weaver is the network boss making his life miserable. Duchovny was there as well and was smart and funny the way actors rarely are in real life. But Jake Kasdan is one of dweebiest looking guy in the world. I mean, even in a comic book store, he’d look still look dweeby, but he’s obviously talented. When I asked my question about his history in television, I was surprised to learn he directed episodes of both Freaks & Geeks and Undeclared (which explains why Judd Aptow was one of the producers of this movie). My other goal movie was The Treatment, because I’ve been a Chris Eigeman fan since Metropolitan and if you haven’t seen Mr. Jealousy you’re missing one of the best, most original romantic comedies in the last ten years, you losers who can’t stop sucking Julia Roberts’s dick. The Treatment was about a man in therapy with an almost vicious therapist played by Ian Holm, who utterly berates him about how he lives his life. When Eigman meets Famke Janssen, a widow with a child at the school where he teaches, Ian Holm appears in his mind to continually give him more insulting advice. The irony is, it begins working, but then he has to begin fighting to discontinue therapy, which Ian Holm will not allow. It’s a good romantic comedy, character driven and smart, not the providence of you fuckers with your head up Meg Ryan’s ass. It was ultimately named Best Made In NY Narrative Feature at the festival.
YOUR NAME IS GURRELLI?
On its best day, Friends wasn’t a tenth of the show Newsradio was, so even though I barely noticed Al Pacino on the street, hardly glanced at Robert DeNiro in a restaurant, only noticed the height of Sam Shepard and Jessica Lange, and only did my job when Ric Ocasek came in, I broke out my geek flag and flew it high to gush to Stephen Root how much I loved Newsradio when he came into the store. Yeah, he was also in Office Space and Dodgeball, but he’ll always rule as Mr. James for me.
ONE DAY I’LL EXPLAIN THE OTTER THING, BUT NOT NOW
So, the reason this is late is because I didn’t see Mission Impossible 3 until Monday, which is my only day off and I refused to see it on a Friday or Saturday night after work with the moron element. Okay, so maybe it’s partially because I was out drinking with The Otter Queen Sunday night. Yes, The Otter Queen has returned. Actually she never really left, but business brought her to New York on a trip, so we got together for a drink. After that she proved why we’re still friends by wanting to have dinner at Paul’s Hamburger Palace (yeah, I know it’s only called Paul’s Palace). What’s funny is that we pretty much did a reverse of my evening with Dorito Cheeseburger Woman, as we had gone to the same two places. Funnier still, I’d spoken to DCW and it was her birthday and she acted like I should have known. Um, it’s not like I was invited to anything, baby. Not that I would have gone. I see The Otter Queen rarely, even by my standards and I wasn’t going to give that up for someone who wasn’t even turning 30 (fucking kids who still see birthdays as something to be celebrated). Because we continued drinking at dinner as well, I had no shame in going back to the comic book store to get my paycheck and leaving her to browse the Neil Gaiman section (she’s a fan, but is no geek girl, no matter what she says; I know geek girls, geek girls are friends of mine and you, honey, are no geek girl). I also bought her The Cowboy Wally Show graphic novel because she’d liked Why I Hate Saturn, which I’d given her in the previous millennium. We then asked one of the kids in the store where else we could go to continue drinking quietly. She directed us to this “you’d never find it unless you knew it was there” place on the second floor of a sushi place on Stuyvesant Street off Fourth Ave. I got some red drink with tequila in it (I’d been having it daily since Friday in honor of Cinco De Mayo) and she got a pink with vodka. Though I miss her, it’s a good thing The Otter Queen doesn’t live here any longer because she’s settled into her drinking the way I have and is similarly shameless about saying, “One more?” This would be a bad thing, because I would never say “No.” Two middle-aged people supporting each other’s drinking and prolonged adolescence is not a good thing. We’re just a little too in sync. Because fate is cruel, not only do The Otter Queen and I share so many similarities it’s scary (she was delighted to know I’d met Mr. James that day and could also quote gofugyourself.com), she even looks like Bridget Fonda. But we have as much chemistry as Tom Cruise and anything with a vagina. On the one or two times we actually went out, you could hear crickets chirping, it was so dead, but as friends it all works very well. But The Otter Queen is kinda my hero these days, because after years of talking about being a writer, she’s done something about it and is currently getting her MFA from Bennington. I think she’s an excellent writer (she coined the term “thickening bitch” when in discussion about our middle-age weight gains and I’m still not sure if she was talking about me or herself) and maybe she’ll finally be my successful friend in whose poolhouse I can live with along with the dog, because all you other fuckers have sorely disappointed me with your lack of enormous success and fame. How sad is it that I have to turn to a writer of actual fiction for this?
AND YOU KNOW IT’S BAD SEX ON TOP OF IT
Those damn e-harmony ads have ruined Natalie Cole’s “This Will Be” for me with their shitty ads with ugly people. But what really gets me is that one where the people say they lived near to one another but never would have met without E-Harmony. Yeah, if you define “never” as “never leaving the apartment and going out where you might have actually bumped into this person.” What’s worse is that now these idiots are going to breed more idiots, when their moron genes should have died with them. As my mom always said to me, “Ugly people shouldn’t frig.” I would think that goes doubly for “ugly and stupid people.”
05/1/06
I GUESS “TRAILER PARK” WOULD HAVE ATTRACTED THE WRONG AUDIENCE
Opening at number one is RV and when did we jump back to 1992 when Robin Williams could actually open a movie at number one? Hell, I’m half thinking JoJo (ask any 15 you know who she is) is the reason it’s number one, which may be more on the mark than you think, considering the ad campaign was changed in the last week to emphasize her role more. Maybe even Kristen Chenoweth’s large gay following was part of it (or the recent discovery by straight men of her gigantic real breasts). But most likely it was because it’s a family film, the saving grace of former A-list stars that should all by all rights be doing TV. But no matter what the reason, society as a whole must band together to restrict Robin Williams to merely a voice in animated films where he can be contained, because the process itself allows for very little improvisation on part of the actors. There’s no need to see it because all family films follow the same formula: parent is distant from the children, comical/fantastic event happens that serves to bring them closer in then with an Absolute, Guaranteed-Or –Your-Money-Back Reconciliation Scene where the parent sits down with the child and declares his or her love, complete with a reminiscence about the even younger years of a child. I only saw the first fifteen minutes of My So-Called Life, but in those fifteen minutes there was more honesty about what distances a father from his daughter than in a hundred family films. In the narration, Claire Danes states that her father was her best friend until puberty hit. “My breasts came between us.” Don’t look for a similarly brutal truth here. Or anywhere else for that matter. Except maybe and indie film and that will be utterly ruined by an incest theme.
RIPPED FROM THE HEADLINES
United 93 opens at number two and I may never see this. Certainly not soon. Sorry, I’m just not ready, which is really sad when you consider family members are actually seeing it. Yeah, they’re sobbing all the way through it, but they still went. I fully admit to my pussy nature on this one. But I have no problem with them making it. We make movies about tragedies all the time, sometimes in anticipation of them (they were filming the David Koresh TV-movie so close to the actual event they actually saw the fires when the FBI stormed the compound), so claiming “it’s too soon” simply doesn’t fly. If we established some sort of time frame, Law & Order would go off the air, so many of their stories are based on current events. The irony of these things is, if it’s really well made, you don’t leave utterly depressed. I actually felt exhilarated after seeing The Sweet Hereafter, which was about a busload of children who die when it falls into a frozen lake. And that actually did have a father/daughter incest subplot (which leads to an innocent woman being served up as a scapegoat). Not a happy story, but the filmmaking respected the tragedy rather than exploiting it (even though it was partially about an insurance agent trying to exploit it). From all accounts, this is similar. But I may never know.
IT’S NOT PERVERSE IF THEY HAVE MORE MUSCLES THAN YOU
Stick It opens at number three and I approached this with an uncommon apprehension. As you may remember, I was a bit disturbed after Hard Candy when I realized I was in an audience filled with middle-aged men watching a movie about a middle-aged pedophile. Because of that, I initially asked The Libertine was to accompany me (she’s a Jeff Bridges fan from The Big Lebowski) to take the perv edge off my attendance, but my schedule wouldn’t allow it, so I had to brave it alone and try to look as non-threatening as possible. But wait. That’s exactly what a pervert would do! Sigh. In any case, I’ve no great interest in women’s gymnastics. In fact, I’ve got a lot against a sport so demanding it actually prevents a menstrual cycle. In fact there’s no such thing as “women’s” gymnastics. It’s actually “girls” because unlike men, this simply isn’t made for the adult female body to pursue. So why was I there? It was written and directed by the writer of Bring It On and looked to be more of the same, only with gymnastics in place of cheerleading. Oh, if only it were so. I know I suggested that the writer of 10 Things I Hate About You should have similarly seized the reins of power on her last film, but remember I said she should “produce” that way you have a director to fight with and there was someone needed to fight with here. First of all, it’s filled with too many of the hallmarks of the post-MTV director. Quick flashy cutting, set to some up-tempo music. Then the character of her protagonist is set up all-too-accurately as a smart-ass teenager with so little to initially balance her you simply wonder why someone just doesn’t smack her. We find out why later, but there should have been some foreshadowing of it or shading to given to her character to show her as more than just obnoxious. And no depth is given to any one else either. The bitchy character is not just bitchy, but outright stupid in fact, and even though we’re all friends in the end (yes, it’s that kinda movie) I get the feeling the writer/director was avenging herself on a high school rival with the character. You can tell the writer/director probably has a gymnastics background herself, because she cast actors who are actual gymnasts and---with the exception of the cover girl lead---at the expense of looks. But this is par the course for athletes. Watch any professional sports event and you’ll see most of the men are ugly too. But this is still better than a bunch of WB refugees who take a few steps then cut to a long shot of the double doing all the work (we all remember the Julia Stiles ballet routine at the end of Save The Last Dance, with so much double work the stand-in’s name should have been above the title). These girls have chiseled stomachs and shoulders like linebackers. They eliminate any illusions that this isn’t an actual sport. But the director’s history with gymnastics then becomes a liability, as the climax of the film, which should be, as we all know, about the rebel listening to the coach and coming back to win it all. Instead, this turns into an indictment of the judging at gymnastic competitions. Again, another axe was seriously being ground here at the cost of the film.
F.L.I.L.F.?
Silent Hill is down to number four, followed by Scary Movie 4 at number five and The Sentinel down to number six and also in this is Kim Basinger as the First Lady and you can thank Bill Clinton and Hillary for changing the way the president has been cast for the last 15 years or so. Before, all presidents were seriously old men with matching wives, giving a steady source of work to a lot of older actors. Post-Clinton, it’s become a role for actors in their 40’s and 50’s, including Michael Douglas, who starred in the You-Wish-Clinton-Was-Like-This fantasy, The American President (which is on TBS every other day and I still watch it every time). This has allowed for the introduction of the actually attractive first lady. Sigourney Weaver, Stockard Channing, Joley Fisher, Mary McDonnell and Marica Gay Harden have all played the role in recent years, but now Kim Basinger takes it into the realm of the actually hot First Lady (though personally, Sigourney Weaver already did that for me). She’s had an affair with Michael Douglas’s character, which would be an ironic joke about a First Lady having equally bad taste in lovers as The President, had not Eleanor Roosevelt reportedly had an affair with a Secret Service agent, a theory supported by her own children.
BEES CAN BE CUTE; NOT SO WITH WASPS OR YELLOW JACKETS
Ice Age: The Meltdown is down to number seven, followed by Akeelah & The Bee opening at number eight and this is the second movie about spelling bees to come out in the last few months (the first was Bee Season and I sense a theme). This is a result of its increased popularity thanks to ESPN coverage and that kid who puked. This one, however stars one my favorite actresses, Angela Bassett who doesn’t work enough to begin with, then utterly destroyed her image when she ripped on Halle Berry getting the Oscar because, as we all know Angela was supposed to be the first Black woman to win Best Actress. It’s a reunion of sorts, because her husband from Boyz In The Hood, Laurence Fishburne, is also in it. Do you think their first words to each other were “What the fuck happened to Cuba Gooding Jr.!?!” or “Can you believe what the fuck happened to Ice Cube!?!” And while I love Angela to death, baby, you’re fooling even fewer people than Tom Cruise. Babies by a surrogate!?! Come on. I’m sure Rosie O’Donnell and Ellen had a big laugh over that one. I mean, could it really hurt your career at this point to simply come out? God knows lesbians need someone attractive in Hollywood to look up to. The best they’ve got is Angelina Jolie, who’s currently given up the lobster for steak. Marcia Cross insists she’s straight, but someone should tell her, suddenly getting married after 40 years of being single once someone accuses you of being gay does not help your case. Yeah, Portia DiRossi is attractive, but she’s not that big a star and is dating Ellen, which isn’t something even lesbians like to picture happening. I think Michelle Rodriguez is sexy, but pretty she is not. It’s all up to you, Angela baby. Maybe you could be the first open lesbian to win Best Actress. Hey, I said “open.”
GODS AND MONSTERS
The Wild is down to number nine, followed by The Benchwarmers closing out the top ten at number ten and do you think guys like Billy Murray, Eddie Murphy and Mike Meyers look at these guys and just laugh? It takes three of them to have even a moderately successful film. Jimmy Fallon, this will be you Will Ferrell and let’s say, Sheri Oteri one day. But the Black guys? Forget it. Unless you’re smart like Tim Meadows, who obviously is close to Tina Fey, you’re gonna be doing whatever strange thing Garrett Morris does to support himself.
EVEN IN REAL LIFE, THE RIGHT STUFF
It’s been awhile since celebrities have been sighted. Yeah, Ric Ocasek came into the comic book store, but that strangely doesn’t count to me. But while stepping out from working at the comic book store to get a soda, I see Jessica Lange and Sam Shepard walking and talking. Yes, they are shorter than you’d think. I know you see Sam Shepherd and think tall, lanky cowboy, but it’s a miracle if he even breaks six feet. I’m thinking 5’11 tops. But they looked good together. And she’s a long time East Village resident, actually a squatter at one point.
I GUESS HE’D BE THE “SILVER MACK” NOW. OR IS IT “SILVER PIMP”?
So Movie Buddy ’98, whose lovely daughter I’ve had the pleasure to babysit, had a housewarming party this past weekend. I made it down later than I’d planned, thanks to an unintentional visit to Brooklyn, via the “N” train, which I mistakenly hopped on rather than the “R.” But it was all made worthwhile meeting her in-laws. Her mother-in-law is what you commonly call “a pistol” as she shared her sole desire in life now is to be an extra on Law & Order, her favorite show. This isn’t as odd as it sounds, because Mr. Movie Buddy ’98 is in the business of supplying extras for film and TV here in New York. What made it funny, was she was insisting on going through the procedure like everyone else and sending in headshots. I told her that’s not really how show business works. It’s about who you know and you know your son so just tell him to it (she also cornered his partner at one point). While she claimed to just want to be a non-speaking woman in the jury box, she also expressed a desire to be the foreman so she could stand up and say, “Your honor, we the jury find the defendant guilt…cut off his balls!” Her exact words. Like I said, a pistol. Now, she has three sons including Mr. Movie Buddy ’98 and another was there at the party. They’re both around 6’2” and look somewhat like Brendan Fraser to me. However, their father was also there and he not only towered over them both but looked like freaking Gary Cooper. Most men lie when they say they can’t tell if another man is attractive, because if we couldn’t the term “pretty boy” wouldn’t be an insult. Now I can tell and let me tell you this was one damn good-looking man. And while he feigned modesty when I told him so, he nevertheless told me of how he’d occasionally get looks from women in the street, but claimed he hadn’t in thirty years…when he was forty. That was the other shocker. They both looked sixty if they were a day. He aged Sean Connery style, though he kept most of his hair, a distinguished silver. His wife also jokingly asked the attractive girls if he’d flirted with them, which I’m sure was based on truth, so he knew damn well he was a Silver Fox. It was sad to see them go, but given Silver Fox was the tallest and best looking man in the room, I suffered horribly standing next to him so it was probably best for my ego that he left. Even the twentysomething wardrobe girl I wound up talking to agreed with me, saying “He’s still got it goin’ on.” She wasn’t bad herself and was someone’s fantasy, being an attractive American Indian girl who was not only a twin, but used to design lingerie, so we’ll call her La Perla. Yes, hot Native American lingerie designer with a twin sister…who herself is booker for fashion models. Yep, if you saw it in a movie you’d say it wasn’t real, but there it was. La Perla also put me into a Seinfeld episode, because she was somewhat of a low-talker, so every other word would fade out like bad connection (I started to play Mad Libs in my head with her words since I couldn’t really follow what she was saying). Like the Silver Fox, I don’t necessarily look my age, but I was made well aware of my reality in talking to her, especially when she made some comment about rumors of Prince being “High Five” (she’s from Minnesota and had been to Paisley Park). La Perla had to explain to me this means “HIV positive.” She also spoke in a hushed whisper about how New Yorkers don’t have kids until they’re in their 40’s, not realizing I will most likely be one of them. But my favorite part was how La Perla didn’t understand how a party could start at 7:00. I almost told her that’s how 40 year olds get down, but why tell her depressing stories of her future? My second favorite part was when she told me that if she’d known the subway was only a block from the building, she would have drunk more and gotten more fucked up on the joint that came out---even though she was still recovering from a bourbon induced hangover from drinking on Thursday. Ah, to be young again. I was actually shocked when Stereophonics “Maybe Tomorrow” came up on the iPod and it was group we both liked, making me briefly think I wasn’t as out of touch as I thought. Then LaPerla threw out other bands she liked and I looked at her like a dog who’d just heard a new noise, confirming that I was as out of touch as I thought and needed to go home and get my old ass to bed.