10 SECONDS AFTER THE INVENTION OF THE REMOTE CAME THIS JOKE
Click opens at number one and how long before one of the writers of Benny Hill or The Jetsons sues over this concept? And I doubt that was even the first use of the idea of a remote control controlling things beyond the TV. Well, whoever thought of it first and explored it might wanna call a lawyer and get a piece of this pie. I won’t see it. I tired of Sandler’s man-child movies long ago and only saw The Longest Yard out of curiosity (while I ironically love the man-child movie, Grandma’s Boy, from his production company and starring one of his team, Allen Covert, who misses a Sandler movie for the first time with this one). I love Kate Beckinsale, but I’m not going to watch her play this fugly mope’s wife. Even Sandler knows it’s a joke that someone like her would be with someone like him and even said so in a promotion for this movie. And what does it say that he never felt the need to do this for Drew Barrymore? Guess when you’ve got a lisp, a history of drugs and weight fluctuations, people know you’re in no position to be turning guys down. But at least Sandler is aging with his audience. They remembered loving the Longest Yard as kids, so he remade it. They’re probably all married frat boys off in the suburbs with kids, so he makes a movie about that. I respect that he’s not still trying to play roles meant for someone younger like so many other actors his age (or should I say “our age”). Yes, I’m looking at you, Ben Stiller.
JUST WHAT DID YOU THINK “DRIVE IT IN BETWEEN” MEANT?
Cars is down to number two and while this movie is filled with car songs, they’re sadly very retro. Yes, the movie takes place on Route 66, so you have to include it, but guys write new songs about cars and speed as metaphors the way they write new songs about women. We do have car songs after 1970 you know. Even the punk scene had car songs (“Road Runner” by the Sex Pistols). Not to mention, how can you make a movie called “Cars” AND NOT INCLUDE GARY NEUMAN’S “CARS?!” Then we’ve got The Cars “Drive” Rose Royce’s “Car Wash” Bruce Springsteen’s “Pink Cadillac” Aretha Franklin’s “Pink Cadillac” Tracy Chapman’s “Fast Car” and my personal favorite, The Gap Band’s “Burn Rubber.” No, I didn’t forget “Little Red Corvette” the last hit car song I can actually remember, but the lyrics would have to be changed for a kid’s movie and I can’t abide that. Ditto for Elastica’s “Car Song” which is pretty much about her being boned in one. And don’t get me started on Grace Jones’s “Pull To The Bumper” which is about anal sex (one line is “let me lubricate”). Yes, a good car song is usually about sex, so the “pink” in Pink Cadillac isn’t what you think it is. Oh, but they do include one modern car/driving song: “Life Is A Highway.” Sigh. Guess “Lunatic Fringe” never made him enough money.
FUGLY CURVE
Nacho Libre is down to number three and Jack Black has stumbled onto the secret of being an ugly leading man: cast an even uglier co-star next to you. And what’s scary and potentially offensive is that Jack Black may be the only non-Latin cast member. Then again, I don’t see Benjamin Bratt willing to gain weight to play this role. And I guess Hector Guzman is just too old now, because this would have been perfect for him once upon a time.
NO, IT WASN’T ALL MARIAH’S FAULT
Waist Deep opens at number four, giving all the straight minority guys a place to hide during Gay Pride weekend. But honestly, given that Tyrese Gibson is the lead, Pride weekend may have cost them a bit of their audience. And unless Megan Good is finally dropping trou, I won’t be seeing this either. I’ve little time or patience for “hood” movies even though this does border on noir, but any sort of pretension like that would have alienated the primary audience, not to mention confused them (“Yo, if he dead, howcum he tellin’ the story? This is bullshit!”). Sadly, Vondie-Curtis Hall was going to be a filmmaker once. Then he made Glitter. Now he’s lucky to even have this. His wife, Kasi Lemmons (you all know her best as Jodie Foster’s roommate in Silence of the Lambs) made Eve’s Bayou (which also had Megan Good and Vondie-Curtis Hall), but also has yet to follow that up with something as good, though she hasn’t sold out…yet. Her follow-up to that was The Caveman’s Valentine, which was total arthouse.
SISSY BOY RACING
The Fast & Furious: Tokyo Drift is down to number five and you know what my biggest problem with this was, aside from the ugly leading man? I fucking hate “drifting” which is when you make the car slide on a turn and into an acceleration. Take Need For Speed. One of the greatest video games ever made because it added the idea that cops would come after you if you were racing through the streets. And on further editions it added that cops would lay down spikes and shoot rockets at your car from a pursuing helicopter (and all the while you can hear them talking about chasing your ass on the radio). It was fucking great! Then suddenly the cops were gone---but you could drift. Yeah, that’s fucking manly. Getting chased during an illegal street race in the south of France by armed, angry cops wasn’t nearly the thrill of making my car slide in an empty parking garage in Hong Kong. Oooh. I can feel my penis growing already. And what makes it even worse, you have to do it to advance in the game! Drifting. I fucking hate it.
BETCHA HE’S A BRAIN SURGEON
The Lake House is down to number six and in case you didn’t know this was a fantasy, Keanu plays a doctor and Sandra is an architect. Not even science fiction. Pure fantasy.
I MISS YOU, BABY!
The Break Up is down to number seven and this is going to be fun for video store clerks who accidentally give out the movie Break-Up with Bridget Fonda. It’s a dark little movie where she plays an deaf abused wife (she actually lost her hearing because of a beatin---can you say “Halle Berry?”) who wakes up in the hospital after one such beating to find him dead and herself the principal suspect. And my beloved Bridget may be retired. She’s got nothing on her slate and hasn’t worked in three years. But being in a near fatal car accident at 40 does that to you. She married the guy she was dating immediately afterwards (like I predicted) and immediately had a child (also like I predicted). Until she returns, I make do with her porn lookalike, Flower Tucci, who is what she’d look like with an extra 20 pounds---all of it ass (which is why you can find her in such titles—and I’m not making these up---as: Bubble Butt Cheerleaders #5, Ultimate Asses #5, Big Butt Smack Down #3 & #7, Big Wet Asses #7, Big Wet White Butts #3, Bomb Ass White Booty #3 and the oddly succinct, but self-explanatory, The A-Team).
STILL COUNTING DOWN…
Garfield: A Tale of Two Kitties is down to number eight, followed by X-Men: The Last Stand at number nine and it’s only two more days until Superman Returns and we’ll see then if X-Men had to die so Superman could live, because not only did Bryan Singer leave, he took two of the three writers of X2 with him. Sadly, I can’t do one of the Tuesday night shows. Normally they do them at midnight, which would have been perfect, for me. I would go from the comic book store with the other geeks to see it. But instead, they’re having 10:00 showings and the store doesn’t close until 11:00. DAMN IT ALL TO HELL! Okay, so Wednesday after work then. No biggie. I can do that. I can wait. I’m a grown up, right? RIGHT!?! Yes, I’m wearing a Superman shirt as I write this. Fuck you all.
NOT QUITE THE END
Finally, The DaVinci code closes out the top ten at number ten, but weep not for it, Vatican City. Fourth of July weekend is coming, giving every movie on this list a final boost and it has made $480M overseas where it has the allure of forbidden fruit.
KNOWING YOUR PLACE
Remember Rob Weiss? Self-proclaimed next hot director from when young directors wanted to be Scorsese and not Tarantino? He did his version of Mean Streets in Long Island called Amongst Friends, generated buzz, made an ass of himself, dated Shannon Doherty at her peak and then…nothing. He imploded like the ass he was. So imagine my surprise to see his name on entourage. And further investigation reveals he’s written quite few. But this fits. He was a guy from New York suddenly hot in Hollywood. He’s writing what he knows and it works. But he was a major dick in his time to the point where indie godfather, John Pierson, sets aside not one, but two chapters in his book Spike, Mike, Slackers & Dykes to trash him (one in the guise of a conversation with Kevin Smith).
I HOPE THIS DOESN’T PUSH JULIE BACK ON COKE
Speaking of Shannen Doherty, the man who made her and broke her---twice---Aaron Spelling died. Death got a big one this time. If you watched TV in America over the last 30 years, this many shaped your viewing habits whether you like it or not. Man, that’s gonna be some funeral. If you’re anybody in TV you will be there. It’s gonna be the social/networking event of the year. This man touched everyone or am I the only one who remembers Halle Berry was up for a new TV version of Charlie’s Angels (Angels ’88) at one point? Or that Tea Leoni was actually cast in it? But I had no idea he was married to Morticia Addams (Carolyn Jones, and her geek connection is that she played Wonder Woman’s mother a few times) for thirty years. Tori is from his second wife.
06/19/06
MAKE A JOKE ABOUT US NOW, CHINLESS WONDER!
Cars holds on to the number one slot and there’s a good chance this was doomed the moment they hired Michael Keaton to do a voice. The man has been in one failure after another since we geeks cursed him after Batman. No, this movie isn’t failure by movie standards, but it is by Pixar standards, just as Herbie was disappointing by Lindsay Lohan standards and he was in that too. What makes it even worse is that these are very obvious attempts to halt a career slide by doing kiddie films. But I will give him credit for going A-list about it. Obviously, he’s got an “in” at Disney to not be making anything alongside Jim Belushi (with whom he once co-starred in a sitcom).
RICH PEOPLE PLAY SPORTS WITH THEIR HANDS
Nacho Libre opens at number two and I’m more likely to see a horror film than anything starring Jack Black and we know how likely I am to see a horror film. Like Will Ferrell, Jack Black is someone who shines in small, scene-stealing roles. If he’s on the screen alone for more than five minutes at a time, then something has gone, horribly, horribly wrong. And what’s more, he’s wronged my beloved Laura Kightlinger. After dating his ugly fat ass for the better part of a decade, they break up and within a year he’s married with a kid---with a girl he first met in high school. Yeah. Ouch. Now, the upside to this is Laura is a comedy writer and hopefully a very funny, acidic movie will come out of this experience. And every time you wonder why America is the greatest country in the world, know that in Mexico, masked wrestlers are insanely popular (something we outgrew in the early ‘80s, but I do remember you, Mr. Wrestling I&II). I mean like football level popular. Real football, not that soccer crap that’s going on in Germany right now, which is the other reason we run the world. “Ooh, look! It’s sport where we use nothing but our feet!” But I know why certain sports take hold all over the world why others do not: money. Soccer and wrestling are available to anyone anywhere, no matter your economic circumstances, whereas with most sports that are popular in America, equipment is needed (usually along with some very expensive space). Anyone with two feet and a ball can play soccer and anyone with a body and a mask can be a wrestler.
DOES THIS MEAN THAT JASON PATRIC WILL BE IN THE LAKE HOUSE 2?
The Lake House opens at number three and I guess this casting is for all you Speed fans who wanted to know what happened between the two of them after the subway car jumped up through the city streets. Me, I like Keanu Reeves, but acting is simply not his strong suit, but keeps trying to make these romantic dramas, which are incredibly difficult to do. This is a remake of a Korean film about two people who inhabit the same apartment but two years apart, BUT they can send letters to each other. Now, what’s the logical thing? Yes, tell the person in the past the winning lottery numbers so they can win and you can split it. But I doubt if that happens here. And if you’re going to reunite them why make a movie where they’re never together? I mean that’s the romantic “catch” of the film, that they not together, so it’s two hours of pretty people reading letters. Yeah, get me a piece of that. Yawn. But I guess you can’t make a romantic movie with Keanu any other way, because once they lay eyes on him, what woman is going to turn him down? The only other way to do it is to make him “the girl” in that he’s the object of desire being pursued by Sandra Bullock who isn’t nearly as pretty as he is---though it warms my heart to see his jawline merging with his neck like the rest of us. Yeah, pretty boy! Welcome to my town! Now eat another doughnut!
BECAUSE THEY COULDN’T THINK OF A CLEVER TITLE THAT INVOLVED THE NUMBER 3
The Fast & The Furious: Tokyo Drift opens at number four and I contemplated seeing this, but decided against it (i.e., I slept until almost 2). Sorry, but I like my leading men good-looking and whoever the fuck this guy is now in the lead spot, good looking he is not. You remember him, don’t you? This is the kid from Sling Blade. And he wasn’t even cute then! I’m sorry, but what the fuck was Chad Michael Murray doing besides proposing to co-stars that he couldn’t do this? It fucks with my suspension of disbelief this fugly gaijin is going to get the hot girl. Hell, even Vin Diesel (whose surprise cameo was blown in the TV commercials) has some sort of manly sex appeal. Not this guy. He’s meant to play the loose cannon best friend for the rest of his life. And Bow Wow takes a step back playing the “Black Best Friend” in this one. I mean, of the two he’s the most famous, so why? But a $24M opening weekend with no real stars pretty much lets you know the franchise itself is the star and leads don’t matter, so neither one can even think about trying to get more money for a fourth film. Hell, a smart producer would make it a point of changing stars each time. The sad thing is, the culture of speed in Asia is much more elaborate and interesting than that here in the US, even though we’re the original teen-car-racing country. Hell if you’ve even seen the rides of those Chinese kids from Queens, you know this. Your reading for this week is Speed Tribes by Karl Taro Greenfeld. Given that the original Fast & The Furious was based on a magazine article, it would have behooved the makers of this film to take a look at his book, which is about all the underground cultures of Japan. There’s so much that could have been done with this film had anyone with an agenda beyond quick cash been involved.
NOW THE SURREAL LIFE KNOWS WHY HE WON’T RETURN THEIR CALLS
The Break-up is down to number five and interesting trivia fact: Vince Vaughn produced along with a former and current co-star: Peter Billingsley. Yes, all you Christmas Story fans, unlike most child stars, he didn’t do crystal meth then rob a liquor store and crash with his best friend in the passenger seat and cripple/kill him. See what I mean about the supporting cast being more interesting than the leads? Also along for the ride is Judy Davis, who never became the Meryl Streep type of acting star we expected. Probably because what she does best is middle-aged crazy. And Ann Margaret!?! What the hell? But this is a tremendous step up for her after playing Jimmy Fallon’s drunk mother in Taxi. Man, that was one step above whoring. Maybe just a half-step. And Vincent D’Onofrio is here too. It’s may actually be worth watching…in a year when it comes on cable. Come on, you didn’t think I was going to break now did you?
TIS PITY HE’S A WHORE
Garfield: A Tale of Two Kitties opens at number six and Bill Murray thy name is WHORE! Notice how he doesn’t even promote this. He knows. And one guess what the joke title of this was given Jennifer Love Hewitt has returned for the sequel. Yes, high school never ends for some of us. But how happy is Breckin Meyer to have this gig. I mean, in world with the funnier and more talented Seth Green, who needs him? Who says, “Get me a less acerbic, but still equally short and not quite good-looking Seth Green!” that Breckin Meyer can have a career. Trivia: they were both hysterical in Josie & The Pussycats in the boy band, DuJour.
WHERE ARE THE “TEAM MIA” SHIRTS? I’D WEAR ONE.
The Omen is down to number seven and the “in” joke of this movie the casting of Mia Farrow as the nanny of Satan’s Son, thirty years after she played the mother of Satan’s Son in Rosemary’s Baby. How many drinks do you think it takes for her to start saying the real irony is that when she had Woody Allen’s kid it was art imitating life? I’m betting she does that joke sober myself (and if you’ve seen the trailer for his next England-based film with Scarlett Johansson, you know his comeback may be over already, which I’m sure makes Mia smile).
AMERICA: AS GODLESS AS THEY SAY WE ARE AND LOVING EVERY MINUTE OF IT!
X-Men: The Last Stand is down to number seven and The Da Vinci Code is down to number eight and though it opened a week later, X-Men has actually made more money domestically, but overseas where some people actually give a crap what the pope thinks, it’s a different story. $453M to the X-Men’s $162M. Maybe someone should have said that Wolverine was bigger than Jesus or something.
THE END
Over the Hedge, closes out the top ten at number ten.
MUTUAL ASSURED DEPRAVITY
Jared Leto is now rumored to be dating Jessica Simpson. Apparently the sight of a vagina over the age of 25 will cause his penis to crawl back up inside his body, as before this it was Lindsay Lohan and one of the Olsen Twins (he’s 34). But then again, he dated Cameron Diaz forever and after him she took up with Justin Timberlake. What did they do to each other to render them both incapable of dating another adult? Aside from competing skankiness that is, ‘cause I don’t think either one would bathe unless forced.
PRETTY CLOTHES FOR PRETTY PEOPLE
So, despite the controversy, the whole Abercrombie & Fitch thing blew right past me over the last few years. All I know is that when they were building their store 5th Avenue, it was on the walk home so I had to stare at a two-story depiction of some guy’s flat stomach and prominent package every day. Thankfully, it opened and that came down, but I never bothered to go into the store, because I assumed it was as overpriced as everything else on 5th Avenue. But seeing people waiting to get in the mornings piqued my curiosity. Not to mention, I wanted a new pair of camouflage cargo shorts for summer and it wouldn’t hurt to look. Well, it not only hurt to look (because they cost $70), but the place is staffed by the young and beautiful. And I mean beautiful. Bad enough some Taye Diggs look-alike was working the door, but inside were faces and bodies you only see in magazines. I kept waiting for someone to tell me, “Excuse me, but deliveries are around back.” If the traveling required for modeling is too much or you’re maybe an inch or two too short for it, there’s a place for you on staff at Abercrombie & Fitch. The rest of you fat grotesque fuckers take your asses down to The Gap. Which is what I did. Actually, I went further than that. No, not Filene’s. Beyond that. Yes, I went to TJ Max, where I found some Donna Karan camouflage cargo shorts for $25. Plus, the staff there was in no position to judge me. I could eat a block of cheese in line and the only thing they’d say was, “You gonna share?” Besides, when I told The Libertine I was contemplating going to Abercrombie & Fitch she screamed at me “Why do you want to dress like a WASP from Ohio!?!” Bear in mind she is a WASP from Ohio, so apparently I triggered some deep-seated issues for her. She threatened to remain a redhead if I did so, meaning she’s was deadly serious about me not doing this. Rest easy, honey. Unless I grow five inches or lose ten pounds and suddenly have my bone structure realign along with an increased income, A&F won’t see me anytime soon.
WHATEVER HAPPENED TO SIMPLE SALIVA? THE LUBRICANT OF GOD AND COWBOYS.
Okay, am I the only one who sees these KY commercials and think “Since when did they start making commercials promoting anal sex” Oh. Okay, fine. It’s just me then who thinks butt-loving when someone mentions lube. But what is this bullshit about using it for massages? Especially, that kind that heats up? I have a friend who once described to me in detail how that’s a cornerstone of her very elaborate blowjob technique (it also requires her shaving your nuts, so don’t go jumping to get her number). I wondered how her boyfriend was even walking when I met him---but I know why he was walking towards her and would for as long has his legs could carry him.
BUT WHAT I REALLY WANTED WAS HUMAN LEAGUE
Finally, because I’m an old man, I didn’t hesitate to pick up 80’s Hits Stripped, which promised to be acoustic versions of songs by Rick Springfield, Berlin, Howard Jones, Men at Work, John Waite, Tommy Tutone and more. They are acoustic, but some are live acoustic versions like Heart’s “These Dreams” Asia’s “Heat of the Moment” and Howard Jones’s “No One Is To Blame” which is the worse because I have to hear all his fucking fans singing along. The best? Well, I’ve got a soft spot for Rick Springfield, so I love his version of “Jesse’s Girl” (which actually sounds more like his rewrite of it, “I Get Excited”), but the best has to be Berlin’s “The Metro” which is probably from when they did it on Bands Reunited. She still has her voice (this why singers shouldn’t smoke, kids) and the band is tight (probably because the leader was a perfectionist asshole as you saw on the show). Tommy Tutone doing “867-5309 Jenny” is solid and reminds me that my guitar instructor taught it to me and I’ve forgotten (which is best because there are far too many women I’d attempt for while drunk if I did). Also on it are The Outfield with “Your Love” Billy Idol with “Rebel Yell” Thomas Dolby doing a faithful rendition of “She Blinded Me With Science” Billy Squier doing a country twinged version of “The Stroke” which made me long for the original; Naked Eyes trying a little too hard with “Promises, Promises”; Jane Weidlin doing a nice version of “Our Lips Are Sealed” sans the other Go-Go’s and my other favorite, The Motels doing “Only the Lonely.” But in a stab for relevancy, my new favorite show, Fearless Music (1:00 am on Fox) introduced me to Shiny Toy Guns, A Nightmare of You and Stars---whom I ignored when my brother first mentioned them to me as I have been ignoring him for the last twenty years (but my dad holds the record, having been ignored for 39).
06/12/06
BURN RUBBER
Unless you’ve been living on Mars for the last 15 years, whenever a Pixar film opens, it’s a foregone conclusion that it’s going to open at number one. Cars is no exception and while this is far from the disaster I saw coming based on those horrible, painfully unfunny trailers from a year ago (not to mention Pixar sinking to the level of advertising the actors in their movie, something they’d never done before, something even Disney prided itself on) it’s still a disappointment by Pixar standards, especially after The Incredibles was flat out the best film of 2004 and set a new standard. But this pales in comparison to every Pixar film. Let me put it this way, until now Monsters, Inc., was the probably the bottom of the Pixar ladder and it was still good. They didn’t have bad movies, only less-great ones. And Cars still isn’t bad. It’s just not a great movie. It’s decent, but we expect so much better than that from Pixar at this point. It’s odd but the element missing from this film is the element in all the others that really is pointedly extraneous from the films altogether: humanity. In all the Pixar films, there is the human world and the secret world that resides alongside it where our movie takes place. The secret world of toys (which goes back to The Nutcracker), bugs, fish, monsters and even superheroes. These secret worlds are defined both by the presence and absence of humans. In Cars, it’s a world utterly populated by cars. There are no humans at all, so you can’t think about the premise for one second beyond what’s on the screen like WHO’S BUILDING THESE THINGS!?! Or just how simply silly it is that cars have seats in a stadium, not to mention private boxes big enough for Cadillacs. Just. Don’t. Think. And this is a problem, because none of the other Pixar films ever required me to stop thinking. If anything, thinking was required. So the loss of the secret world aspect of this film is one from which it never quite recovers. Also, Pixar films come from someplace very personal with the filmmakers. Not happening here either. This is the simple “narcissist discovers himself” plotline that both Tom Cruise and Richard Gere have built a career upon. A race car who cares about nothing more than winning, stumbles into a small forgotten town on Route 66 and the colorful characters that live there teach him how to love. In fact, this sounds like a made-for-CMT movie with Dale Ernhardt Jr., only with the people removed, or a racing movie that Elvis or Burt Reynolds might have done (hell, it made me think of Six Pack, the Kenny Rogers movie that Burt Reynolds should have done). But the animation is beautiful. One advantage of cars is that their lines are more befitting the computer animation process. The process has gotten so advances, there are some shots of the cars that look like they flat out filmed toy cars. And the even some of the backgrounds look like photos (there’s a joke that the rock formations are actually of classic car designs; being a geek I thought they were spaceships before I realized they were Fords and Chryslers). It’ll go into the library, but will probably be watched as much as Monsters, Inc. Which is to say almost never, but how many of your movies that you buy do you watch anyway? Oh, and make sure you stay through the credits. No, not outtakes (yet), but they do “Cars” versions of other Pixar films, such as Toy Car Story, Monster Cars, Inc. and A Bug’s Life (in the movie, insects are tiny Volkswagens, get it?) complete with Tom Hanks and all the original actors doing the voices. And there’s one last joke at the very end like all Pixar films.
MOST LIKELY TO PLAY MELANIE GRIFFITH’S SISTER
Down to number two is The Break-Up and it’s taking all I have not to see this movie. Why? Because of the supporting cast, which includes Vince Vaughn’s old buddy Jon Favereau, Cole Hauser, Justin Bateman and none other than Joey Lauren Adams. I will fully admit to having at thing for her. Ever since she popped up on that Married With Children spin-off as jailbait for Matt Lattanzi (pre-friends, obviously) to actually being on Married With Children to deflower Bud Bundy I’ve liked her. I liked her in the odious Sleep With Me (most notable for its cast of potentially hot twentysomethings who mostly amounted to B & C List and the appearance of Quentin Tarantino who does his infamous Top Gun gay analysis---that he stole if you believe the rumors) and I especially like her repeated topless in Mallrats. Kevin Smith was a typical geek when he used his relationship as director to hook up with her. Why did she hook-up with him? Well, the promiscuous Alyssa Jones she played in Chasing Amy was partially based on her life. See, she came from Arkansas and when she arrived in Hollywood, all blonde, cute with a little girl voice, she hit the party circuit, where the last I heard, young pretty blondes were very popular. So basically, after a few years of partying (read: fucking), here’s this funny smart geek who not only worships the ground the walks on, but is going to build a movie around her, so she gave it a shot. The universe however, soon righted itself and she hooked up with…Vince Vaughn (like the loser he is, Kevin Smith was one of the first keeping a blog online and talked her like she had a problem in preferring a tall guy with social skills in Hollywood to some fat geek in New Jersey). One of my guilty pleasures is Harvard Man where she plays a bisexual Harvard professor (no, it’s not science fiction, just another one of James Toback’s wet dreams), who, when not sleeping with student Adrian Grenier (who is in turn doing cheerleader Sarah Michelle Gellar doggystyle in the opening credits while passing a blunt back and forth between them) is having threeways with FBI agents Rebecca Gayheart and Eric Stoltz (who was also in Sleep With Me). She’s even managed to hold on to her looks after all these years. A little more weight, yes, but that just makes her normal now.
AS KURT COBAIN CONTINUES TO TURN IN HIS GRAVE
X-Men: The Last Stand is down to number three and I really have no more spleen to vent upon this movie. King of All Geeks I may be, but X-men is but one of the many kingdoms under my rule, like the lands of Star Trek or Star Wars and I’ve no extreme attachment to it (I was born in Trek, but grew up in the land of Comics, in the city known as Superhero, its largest and the capital). The only thing I’m actually passionate about is my utter hatred of Brett Ratner, who went to see this movie with a regular audience with freaking Courtney Love who got into an argument with the people in front of them when they began to rip into what a hack Ratner is. So yes, she’s obviously still on drugs to be out with this talentless fat fuck.
STRANGELY IT’S FOR GRAND RAPIDS AND NOT DETROIT
The Omen opens at number one and when I was a kid, the original was such a success, I knew all about without ever having seen it. Well, I guess I also learned a lot from the Mad parody too, but this was the biggest devil movie since Rosemary’s Baby and that’s saying a lot because they made one every day back in the 70’s. It made 666 part of the national language, not heavy metal. What’s funny and sad about this movie is that they took great pains to release it on 6/6/06 when it was discovered last year that the actual Number of the Beast is 616 (also the area code in Michigan) because it’s a direct reference to Emperor Nero. Needless to say, I don’t do the scary to begin with and especially not a straight remake, and given there were two sequels I think we all know how it ends (I saw the second and it was actually pretty good because the only thing scarier than a creepy child is a teenager). I mean, there’s no suspense about what’s going to happen to anyone who finds out and tries to stop him. It’s just a matter of you wanting to see how they’re all going to bite it. And for the actors involved this is simply a financial transaction, as horror films are a quick and easy to make yourself bankable because the film really isn’t about you, so you can’t be blamed for its failure. For Liev Schreiber it’s obviously just to pay for his theater and indie work and for Julia Stiles, it’s her getting back into the game after finally finishing college and finding out that Natalie Portman, Jessica Alba and Lindsay Lohan have taken over the young girl world. Funny how just a few years ago, she and Kirstin Dunst had it all on lockdown. And we’re moving into the new generation of middle-aged leading men being cast with young women. Liev Schreiber is pushing 40 while Julia Stiles is still in her early 20’s. When he first broke out he was playing Catherine Keener’s boyfriend and even a few years ago was Meg Ryan’s ex boyfriend. Now Julia Stiles is playing his wife.
BESIDES, JULIANNE MOORE GAVE WHATEVER LINDSAY COULD
Over The Hedge is down to number five, followed by The Da Vinci Code at number six and The Prairie Home Companion opens at number seven and it must have killed Robert Altman to do a film where he couldn’t get some idiot actress run around naked because it was for Robert fucking Altman. First, it’s family material to begin with. Second, Meryl Streep wouldn’t fall for that shit and finally Lindsay Lohan is too young and stupid to even know who the fuck Robert Altman is (she’s probably going to wind up showing her boobs for fucking Brett Ratner when he tries to make a “real” movie). This is based on that radio show with Garrison Keiller which never seems to fucking go away. I thought there was some big deal about it ending a few years back, but here he still is. This is one of those things that goes on that you hear about and apparently has a large audience, but you don’t know a fucking thing about it. You know, like when Mark Anthony (Mr. Jennifer Lopez) wound up selling out Madison Square Garden years ago, even before that brief moment when we all pretended to care about Latin music. I loves me some Meryl Streep, but I’ve got the Devil Wears Prada to look forward to (with a young actress I actually like who doesn’t make me want to beat up her parents for not doing their job). It’s got a seriously Oscar-heavy cast (Meryl Streep, Kevin Kline and Tommy Lee Jones) but let’s face it: this movie probably only got greenlit when Lindsay Lohan signed on, not Dame Streep and ironically, Lohan probably only did it to work with Streep. But bad news, dear. What Streep has, doesn’t rub off, be it class or talent.
WASN’T ALIAS ALREADY “FELICITY THE SPY?”
Mission Impossible III is down to number eight and ironically, Lindsay Lohan thought she had the Keri Russell part in this movie before the producers remembered how stupid Julia Stiles looked as a teenage CIA agent in The Bourne Identity. She also blamed her weight loss on “training” for the role. Now, having seen it and having seen Keri Russell on the street in SoHo (very, very pretty, but a bit more weathered than you’d expect) I can tell you no extreme weight loss was needed for this film, given she’s not playing a coke whore. And Billy Crudup in this makes him part of the trinity with Mark Ruffalo and Liev Schreiber of New York-based actors who were all about the indie and theater work when they broke out a few years go, all pretentious pricks and are all doing utterly mainstream movie work for cash now into their mid-30’s. But we’ve seen this before. Remember when John Cusack turned his nose up at working with Demi Moore, but was later working with Meg Ryan and doing a fucking Jerry Bruckheimer movie? The sad thing is, they remain dicks about it all, as if they didn’t utterly sell out because they still do theater. You know, if you really loved theater, you’d drink like Richard Burton, who considered movies whoring himself and alcohol was how he dealt with it. It’s the example I follow with my current job situation.
COVERING ALL BETS
RV is down to number nine and this week is all about people who star in one film making appearances in others. Tom Hanks stars in The Da Vinci Code, but appears in Cars. Robin Williams stars in RV, but appears in A Prairie Home Companion.
ENJOYING THE FALL OF ONE MAN FAR TOO MUCH
Finally, Poseidon completes is journey to the bottom as the first big movie failure of the summer with only $54M domestic, $89M worldwide and cost $160M at its minimum (rumors have it pushing $180-200M). Compare that to MI:III, which while also seen as disappointing because it’s only made $129M domestically with a $150M budget, but has done another $192M overseas. Who wants to bet Josh Lucas’s agent will be fired before the end of the summer?
LOOK AT WHAT’S HAPPENENED TO ME/I CAN’T BELIEVE IT MYSELF
A few weeks ago when The Otter Queen came to town, I gave Dorito Cheeseburger Woman a call, looking for decent bars to visit in the East Village, as she lives there. Ironically, we wound up going to the one I’d actually been to with Dorito Cheeseburger Woman, but that’s not what she recommended. In fact she didn’t recommend anything because when I called her, she not only oddly answered the phone in the bathroom (to all you people who do that; unless you’re a doctor or work for Homeland Security, stop; unless lives depend on it, I’m sure the person at the other end can wait rather than listen to you relieve yourself) but informed me it was her birthday. Stranger still, she acted like I should have known. Hey, I love my mom too, but don’t think I haven’t forgotten her birthday (one year all three of her kids forgot and yes, we’re all three going to hell for it). Actually, I don’t think I ever knew, but this still didn’t ease the sense of obligation that her inference had given me, combined with minor guilt that I would have still gone out with The Otter Queen even if I did know simply because I only see her once every few years. So the day afterwards the search for the proper present began. It had to make an impact but be totally me (i.e., geeky). Doritos or cheeseburgers would have been too easy, not to mention cheap. Gift certificates are open admissions of a lack of imagination, though I use the often and Superman stuff is just cliché, even for me. Then I remembered the last time I’d hung out with her and thanks to eBay and someone in England with no respect of copyright laws, she became the proud owner of a Greatest American Hero t-shirt. Because she lives in the East Village, I had her come by St. Marks’s Comics to pick it up. Not only was ecstatic about it (I’ve had sex with people who didn’t hug me like that), but she insisted on putting it on immediately. The store has no bathroom for the public to use (and you wouldn’t want to go to it anyway, trust me), so I took her to the back issue section, kicked the manager out and stood in the little entrance way to block viewing. It was like the scene from a movie. All I was missing was a mirror in front of me where I would “accidentally” see her changing behind me. But in a movie it would have had a little sexual tension whereas I was utterly immune to the soft rustle of clothing being removed and sigh of cotton sliding along perfect skin…uh, where was I? Oh, yeah. She had a camera with her, so we documented her in a geek shirt, in a geek store next to the geek king. One day she’ll realize porn wouldn’t damage her reputation this much and try to destroy all copies, but for now I have them to show. And since she models, I’ve to get her to teach me how to pose your face to hide the flaps of fat. Or maybe I’ll just learn Photoshop and eliminate it myself, ‘cause that’s just sad. I used to have cleanly defined jawline! What the hell happened!?! Damn you, Empanada Mama! Damn you and your delicious fried meat & cheese pastries to hell! Damn you too, Ben & Jerry! And all of Wisconsin and Upstate New York for your cheese! And California and France for your wines! Damn you! Damn you all!
EASY LOVER
My love affair with Chelsea Handler continues as I discovered she wrote a book called “My Horizontal Life” which is basically about her slutting around. When you’re blonde with boobs this can happen at will and she had a lot of willpower. Sadly, it reminds me of a lot of the women in my life (it helps that she’s from New Jersey) and I wish I could say it was funnier, but I’ve heard some funny shit. Though none have woken up drunk in Mexico with a midget the way Chelsea Handler did or walk in on their boyfriend with not one, but two Asian women. And then there’s the time she told a guy she was her non-existent twin sister. Or just up and leave when she realized the guy had a tiny penis (not the midget, who is described as having a dick like a python). And then there was the incident with Mexican food that resulted in her panties with a skid mark being tossed out the window---only to be brought back in by the dog. And there’s her “Black phase” and then the guy who came out naked except for a leather mask and holding a flashlight (her only response: “What’s the flashlight for?”). People I’m only through the first third of the book. I think I may have actually seen her stand up when I saw Dave Attell on my birthday a few years ago. The subject matter is similar as well as jokes about being a drunk. This girl was also on Girls Behaving Badly like Chelsea was, but I could have sworn that girl said she was Irish. Further investigation shows that her show isn’t the mystery I thought it was. She used to be on The Tonight Show as a correspondent for Jay Leno. That’s how she got this gig (cause god knows it’s not from the audience watching Oxygen).
06/4/06
AIN’T NO FRIEND OF MINE
I’m sorry. She can make as many movies as she wants, but Jennifer Anniston is simply not a movie star to me. Not to mention, she’s never carried film on her own and if I’m not going to see Vince Vaughn do his thing in Old School or The Wedding Chasers, you know I’m not going to see this. And honestly, were it not for baby of Brad and Angelina, would this be at number one? I think not. That is the ultimate double-edged sword for her. It has to hurt like hell that someone who is as beautiful as your own mother told you were not (yeah, mommy was a model herself and obviously one fucked up cookie to say shit like that to her own daughter) has not only taken your prettier-than-you-too husband, but is breeding perfect babies where an entire country tries to protect them. In the meantime, you’re dating a guy who was never pretty to begin with (and long since let that slide) while being chased around by paparazzi in a country that seems to thrive on your misery. Hell, I want to have a drink now after just writing that (actually I’m always drinking while I write this, in case anyone wanted to know just why it’s so disjointed at times). But know this, Jennifer: you have an ass and Angelina Jolie does not. But there’s more irony going on here, as the movie that put Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt together was also about a troubled couple that also opened at number one...um, also because they were having sex. But Vince Vaughn is one a roll doing his Vince Vaughn thing, which is essentially the same character he’s been playing since Swingers and is the person he is in real life. He’s basically the new Bill Murray all the way down to height, sloppy physique and affiliation with Chicago. The only difference is I see Bill Murray movies. I’ll watch this on cable in a year when it’s running back-to-back with The Wedding Crashers.
HIS MUTANT POWER IS TO IGNORE REALITY
X-Men: The Last Stand is down to number two and someone should explain to Brett Ratner about a little something called inflation before he continues his seemingly endless supply of stupid statements---usually about women, like how he was going to the premiere of Mission Impossible 3 with Maggie Q whom he called “the hottest girl in the movie” (suggesting he’s apparently never seen or heard of Keri Russell and just another ricebuster to whom every Asian woman is hot)---like how he’s bothered by beating out Steven Spielberg for best opening weekend. Um, no. X-Men three had a best three-day weekend with $105M. The Lost World opened at $98M in 1997, which would be $115M today. And who knows if that’s even number one if you adjust all the others. After all, adjusted for inflation, Gone with The Wind is still the highest grossing film of all time at $1.29 BILLION. Star Wars is number two, but was released multiple times and the grosses totaled (so fuck you, Lucas), so the real number two should be Sound of Music. Ratner is part of Spielberg’s ignoble legacy of helping no-talents (Ratner is half-Jewish from Miami and got to Spielberg through family connections, allowing him to keep one sad stereotype very much alive). Add him to the list of Chris Columbus and Bob Zemeckis. He’s also on a list with Michael Bay and McG, but that’s a different list of shitmakers.
ONLY GOD CAN HELP HIM NOW
Over The Hedge holds at number three, followed by The Da Vinci Code at number four which is dropping a little faster than expected, but at over half-billion worldwide already, I wouldn’t worry too much about it. But don’t think Tom Hanks is doing the sequel, which is actually a prequel to the book. I foresee direct to video starring someone who needs it and would give a testicle for such a built in audience. Calling Josh Lucas!
IT’S FUNNY BECAUSE IT RHYMES WITH “MAGGIE WHO?”
Mission Impossible III is down to number five and Maggie Q is actually known to me from a Hong Kong action film called Naked Weapon (she’s known to Ratner as “Girl In Car” from Rush Hour 2), which was about beautiful young girls being kidnapped from around the world to be trained as seductive assassins (because those ugly broads strangely don’t get very far). In my own defense, it wasn’t my idea. It wasn’t my idea to choose films that day (there once was a time I worked in an office with a DVD player and we played movies all day long---but the job still sucked). I more listened to the film than watched it, so I have no memory of her, but does she really thing that Maggie “Q” is going to help her? It only makes me think she should be doing eurotrash dance music or giving new weapons to James Bond. But the real question is, given she speaks perfect English, can she slide in and take the slot of Hollywood Asian currently up for grabs considering Lucy Liu no longer holds it and Zhang Ziyi didn’t quite grab it with Memoirs of a Geisha and quite frankly refuses to come to Hollywood and play “White Guy’s Girlfriend” which is quite frankly what you have to do as Hollywood Asian. It’s like wanting to be Hollywood Black guy and not want to be White Guy’s Best Friend.
THE OTHERS
Poseidon is down to number six followed by RV at number seven and See No Evil at number eight.
ONLY BAD VERSIONS OF STEVIE WONDER SONGS CAN SAVE US
Opening at number nine is liberal porn in An Inconvenient Truth, which is about global warming and is narrated by Al Gore, who’s learning if you have a sense of humor about yourself and don’t talk down to people like they’re morons, you can be very popular. A day late and a dollar short, eh Al? Well more like eight years short, but you get my meaning. Now the lack of popular support or belief in global warming has been blamed on the whacked out tree huggers usually yelling it at you on the streets, which is pretty much the case. I mean, I believe in global warming but I hate those fuckers enough to want to leave an SUV running in the driveway just to piss them off. But it’s also the enormity of it that makes people want to deny it. It’s not something small that can be remedied with a little hard work; it’s the whole fucking planet and if it took us decades to break it, it’ll take us decades to fix. To try to think about it causes the average person’s mind to either reject it outright or suddenly take an interest in what’s on TV, which is how I personally explain the success of American Idol. Yes, Global Warming is to blame. I won’t be seeing this. 1) I already know and 2) I don’t to be depressed thinking of all that’s wrong with the world. Ice caps melting, super-storms, species dying off, I…I…I wonder what Clay Akien is doing right now? Well, we know so the real question is he a top or bottom? Okay, so we know the answer to that too…
BYE BYE
Finally, Just My Luck closes out the top ten at number ten and Prairie Home Companion had better be a serious critical hit for Lindsay Lohan to undo all the damage she’s done to herself over the last year or two. I’m not saying if I were young, rich, hot and famous, I’d be making wise decisions, but…I… I, um…I wouldn’t be doing drugs! So there! And I had two loving sane parents, so this fucked up man thing she’s got going wouldn’t be happening with me. Yeah, would have taken a shot at Lynda Carter or Morgan Fairchild or Jayne Kennedy…and my mother would have killed those old bitches if they dare came near me. So yeah, I wouldn’t be in her situation.
BECAUSE SODOMY IS ALWAYS FUNNY…EXCEPT WHEN IT HAPPENS TO YOU
My buddy OG (Original Geek) clued me into a low-key show on E! called the Chelsea Handler Show. I’ve never heard of this woman and how she got her own show is beyond me, but when I can remember it’s on I enjoy it. What can I say? I’ve a fondness for female comedians who aren’t afraid to open their show with an anal sex joke. And then another. And then another. Let’s just she’s not a stranger to the crotch humor. I also like her version of The Bachelor where she’d sleep with every man on the show and then eliminate them based on size, “Leroy, Jamal… let’s go.” And there was having the actress who played Mary Ann on Gilligan’s Island and asking her if she and Ginger ever went “Digging for clams.” Yes, it’s a very classy show.
TOO BAD THE ANIMATION SUCKED OUT LOUD
Death is back to her old tricks taking Paul Gleason, whom you know best as the principal in The Breakfast Club or as the inept deputy commissioner Dwayne T. Robinson who got “butt-fucked on national TV” in Die Hard, but do we remember him as the mysterious Clarence Beeks from Trading Places? You may not know actor Robert Sterling who died at 88 last week and given that’s the case why did anyone feel the need to share that he also died of shingles. Couldn’t natural causes have been the press release? And in the world of geekdom, Alex Toth died at the drawing table. LIKE A FUCKING MAN! Whereas they’re going to find me naked, porn on the TV, comic books by my side, empty bag of Barbeque Corn Chips on the ground and the remnants of a frozen margarita by my side. The only witness to my sad demise the collection of Superman figures staring emptily at my corpse as if to say, “This was job even Superman couldn’t handle.” Not that I’ve thought about it a lot. But Alex Toth designed the basic characters for the Super Friends so he did touch your life too.
EWWW. YOU SEE HIS JUICE. EWWW.
OJ Simpson sex tape? Oh man. Between this and the rain I can see it’s going to be that kind of a summer. And let’s face it: hot people don’t let their tapes out. Colin Farrell fought like hell to keep his from being releases, whereas Tom Sizemore couldn’t wait to get his out. And what’s with all the actors hiring whores? Isn’t the point of being a star to get hot women without even having to spring for dinner? Even Charlie Sheen did it and he used to hook up with porn stars. Speaking of which, I can’t believe he didn’t make tapes and given how crazy he is, I’m sure we’re going to a lot more of Denise Richards before this is all over.