I CAN FEEL IT COMING IN THE AIR TONIGHT/OH LORD
Miami Vice opens at number one and I was thrilled to hear Michael Mann was doing this, because not only am I a Michael Mann fan, I loved Miami Vice back in the 80’s! I thought it was a great, dark show that actually flirted with brilliance on occasion, like when it was discovered that a bank was interfering with drug enforcement because it was the only way South American nations could pay back billion dollar loans. Or when Don Johnson lost his memory and became his cover and took over the Miami underworld, actually trying to kill Tubbs---twice! Great stuff. Most people only remember the clothes and the music, but I remember every member of the team suffering horrible personal losses in the thankless task of trying to stand between America and cocaine. The movie isn’t a barrel of laughs but without all the flash and glamour you get the gritty head on. Colin Farrell and Jamie Foxx are two deadly serious undercover vice cops in Miami who may crack three smiles between them for the entire movie. Granted, being on your own in a situation where death is always one mistake away, but where’s the gallows humor? Cops have killer dry humor. On the upside, I hate Jamie Foxx, so Jamie Foxx not being funny is a good thing. They both do their jobs adequately, but the movie really isn’t about them, oddly enough. Despite Mann taking the time to show their relationships it all feels very shallow and is obviously the means to an end. Jamie Foxx’s relationship with a fellow cop (Trudy, because was a delight for me because he kept the names of everyone in their crew the same; Trudy, Gina, Zito, Switek and Lt. Castillo, the role that made Edward James Olmos famous) and Colin Farrell’s instant love with Gong Li are both just to set up the climax of the film, where the women become pawns in the game being played by the men, even though they’re supposed to be players themselves. And the film suffers a bit for it, because it essentially stops to set up the relationship between Colin Farrell and Gong Li where they just fall for each other instantly. You don’t believe it for a second. You know it’s just to set up his eventual conflict about taking her down at the end and her big scene where she realizes he’s been lying to her the entire time (and both of these things happen like clockwork before the movie’s end). The movie also seems like a “how drug smugglers work” documentary at times, it’s so involved in these machinations. Again, the movie feels like an excuse for Michael Mann to show this. I could give a fuck about how drugs are smuggled into the US if I’m not involved in the characters and you’re not involved in the characters, because we don’t know a damn thing about Crockett or Tubbs beyond the job they do and the women they sleep with. I hate to say it, but there was more character depth for Colin Farrell in S.W.A.T. Also, there’s no sense of time. It’s gotta take time for them to do the drug runs they do, but it feels like it happens over the space of a week. On the upside, do we really need another movie examining the minutiae of every bit of a cop’s life? Had the movie been a bit shorter, just seeing some seriously professional cops do their jobs might have been nice, because the two big bust scenes are stunning. It’s none of this bullshit of one angry cop taking down a hundred mobsters. They plan, they prepare, they have a shitload of back up and they follow orders from their commanding officer. But of course, because it’s a movie, our guys shoot better and the bad guys miss and then die (and they die nicely from shots that had the audience going “Ooooh!”). The hostage rescue scene is especially nice and may just make Elizabeth Rodriguez (as Gina) a star. God knows I love her now. Nothing like a woman who knows how to use a large firearm. Quite a change from when all her character did on Miami Vice was go undercover as hooker and occasionally sleep with Don Johnson.
CASTING IS BETTER THAN THE WRITING
Pirates of the Caribbean is down to number two and as much as I’ve discussed the bad about this movie, let’s get into the good. Well, it does finally kick in the last half hour, but that’s only because we finally have our group reunited along with…Jack Davenport as The Commodore! Yep, the Commodore, who had the unfortunate Ralph Bellamy straight man role, returns bitter and washed up and now able to be a fun character himself instead of setting up jokes for others. And the threeway battle between him, Johnny Depp and Orlando Bloom (no, not that kind of swordfight, ye of dirty minds) is a good part of what was missing for the first half of the movie. Also, on hand and pretty much improving any movie he’s in is Stellan Skarsgaard as Orlando Bloom’s father, Bootstrap Turner. It’s a reunion of sorts for him and Keira Knightley as he was also in King Arthur as the king of the invading Saxons. Do yourself a favor and rent the original Insomnia where he played the lead. So much better than its American remake it hurts. Oh, and the sequel continues this good casting by including Chow Yun Fat and the long-awaited appearance of Keith Richards.
WHAT A DRAG IT IS GETTING OLD…WHEN YOU’RE UNSUCCESSFUL
John Tucker must die opens at number three and while this movie seems to be about girl power, the t-shirt & panties poster lest you know who it’s really for. Not to mention the 11th hour switch of the ad campaign that doesn’t have the girls in it at all, but is all about celebrating the exact reasons the girls want to take him down. I’ve got nothing against a teen comedy, but they’ve gotta be a little smarter. Mean Girls seemed smart almost immediately. This does not give me that impression, so I’m not going to make the time for it. Besides, as one gets older it’s a bit odd being a solo male in a movie about high school girls. Speaking of getting older, it’s gotta hurt that Jenny McCarthy is the mom of one of the girls (she’s 34). Ouch. Reality check for one please! She’s gone from being the hot girl to mom of the hot girl in a decade. See, when you’re an A-list star this doesn’t happen for twenty years, if at all. Think of how Meg Ryan, Sarah Jessica Parker and Sandra Bullock play single childless women in their 40’s, when they could easily at least be the divorced mother of a teenager. But it’s not going to happen. No way they’re going to stand right next to someone younger and hotter. And that little girl from One Tree Hill is definitely hotter. Her scratchy voice instantly separates her from the pack of generic cuteness. Of course, not enough for me to know her name or anything, but…
MORE STARS THAN ARE…UM, ON THE USA CHANNEL ON THE WEEKENDS?
Monster House is down to number four followed by The Ant Bully opening at number five as these two compete for the same audience, because no kids were in Miami Vice. If I’m not going to see Monster House because Steven Spielberg and Robert Zemeckis did it, what do you think the presence of Julia Roberts as one of the voices does for this? And didn’t Antz and the much superior A Bug’s Life say all that needed to be said with computer generated animated insects? The poor box office suggests they did. But between the two films is a pretty impressive cast list. See if you can tell who’s doing this on a lark because they’re a secure star and who desperately needs the boost: Julia Roberts, Nicholas Cage, Meryl Streep, Paul Giamatti, Regina King, Bruce Campbell, Lily Tomlin, Cheri Oteri, Ricardo Montalban, Steve Buscemi, Maggie Gyllenhall, Jason Lee, Kevin James, Nick Cannon, Catherine O’Hara, Fred Willard, Jon Heder and Kathleen Turner. While I hate to admit it, Monster House seems the more interesting of the two and has the more interesting cast.
WHAT A DRAG IT IS GETTING OLD…UNLESS YOU’RE A DUDE IN HOLLYWOOD
You, Me & Dupree is down to number six and also in this is Michael Douglas, apparently unable to get the role playing Kate Hudson’s husband, so he had no choice but to play her father. But don’t kid yourself, about the casting being age-appropriate. Matt Dillon is fucking 42 and Kate Hudson hasn’t hit 30 yet. This is a constant in her career and I’m beyond feeling sorry for her over it, especially since it mirrors her creepy real life of middle-aged rock stars. Given how her career also never became what it was supposed to be and has no excuse of Broadway or indie cred, it’s going to be sweet watching her play mom to hot young things in a few years too. And I’m also seeing sitcom before 30.
BUT WILL HE STILL LOSE A HAND?
Lady In the Water is down to number seven and also in this is Jeffery Wright and what happened to the promise that was him when he blew up a few years ago on Broadway and was destined to be huge in movies? Critics and directors love him. He’s never bad in anything and usually better than the movie deserves (can you say Shaft?), so why isn’t this man a star? Oh, he’s not good looking. Yeah. Forgot about that. Also, he one of those people that doesn’t really seem to want it. Well, if you love him, fret not about his future. He’s the new Felix Leiter in upcoming Bond film, Casino Royale. This will do more for him than literally all his other films combined. And he married Carmen Ejogo. You could be a garbage man and content with your life if you came home to her every night. She’s the half-African, half-English girl who played Thomas Jefferson’s slave lover (who was also technically his sister-in-law and when I saw “lover” I mean he raped her because a slave didn’t have the ability to refuse) that isn’t Thandie Newton.
LITTLE MERYL, PROFITABLE AT LAST
Little Man is down to number eight, followed by The Devil Wears Prada at number nine and it broke $100M domestically! And at $106M, it’s fulfilled the 3x budget rule. Overseas and DVD will be nothing but gravy, baby!
THE AMOUNT OF MASTURBATION TO HER ALONE IS STAGGERING…AND REPULSIVE
Clerks II closes out the top ten at number and an apparently Rosario Dawson is number three on the list of geek love (Natalie Portman and Jessica Alba being #1 and #2, respectively) and rising. Not only was she in Sin City, but will also be in the sequel and is writing her own comic book in which she appears. Oh, and she’s got very large breasts that she will reveal onscreen, which gives her an instant edge on the other two. There’s a scene in Clerks II where she’s dancing to the Jackson 5 and they are bouncing all over the place in a way possible only to real breasts, which is why fake ones will always be inferior. One guy audibly gasped at the sight of it. And, and…it’s in slow motion.
iGEEK
The future of TV is now as you can watch the failed pilot of the Aquaman series on iTunes now for $2. Given that geeks like me have already made it number one there, don’t be surprise if it gets resurrected (in fact, this success as started serious film talk by none other than the real life Ari, the person who inspired the character on entourage). This will be how shows are determined in the future. People will look over pilots and those that are the most popular will be selected for full seasons. Oh, and for you Buffy freaks, the unaired pilot for that show is at youtube. The pilot isn’t bad. Yes, it suffers form the over-expository nature of most pilots and the Smallville habit of constantly referring the main character’s “destiny” and “future” but it manages to do this with no bad in-jokes, which are only for people whose IQ hovers around room temperature (“I won’t want to wear a suit and fly around all day.” “You look good in a cape.” “Maybe we should form a Junior Lifeguard Association”). Also, Aquaman (called AC here as his name is Arthur Curry) actually enjoys using his powers. We see him swimming around with animals and smiling as he almost matches a jet overhead at top speed. And in an odd pretty boy turn of events, he’s a better actor than the guy who plays Clark Kent. Granted, that’s not saying much, but considering the first guy to play Aquaman made even him seem like Olivier, this is a noticeable step forward. But it still has many idiot plot points, where people only do stupid things because to do otherwise would stop the story cold. And it’s established the hospital where everyone will go during the course of a super-adventure (both female leads wind up in the hospital in the very first episode). God knows everyone on Smallville should either be crippled or a vegetable as much as they are in the hospital. The staff should be on a first name basis with Clark as much as he’s in there visiting someone. And Ving Rhames as his Merlin just invites laughter (geek info: in the comics, Aquaman’s advisor is named Vulko). I kept waiting for him to tell the evil siren that attacked them how he was going to get medieval on her ass and bring in some hard trident-stabbing niggas to go to work on her. But it was a fun, geeky 40 minutes (no commercials online, boys and girls) and showed some odd brains at the end when Aquaman’s training consisted of reading Henry IV. One downside is it makes you feel incredibly fat and old with its cast of hot 20-somethings, all with 4% bodyfat running around in next to nothing.
A CHARACTER ACTOR UNDREAMPT OF!
Death strikes again this week taking Mako. Mako! This one actually hurts me. If you’ve seen a Hollywood made film that involved martial arts or Asians, then you’ve seen Mako (aka, Mako Iwamatsu). You probably know him best as the narrator of Conan The Barbarian as well as being the old wizard. In his younger days he fought Bruce Lee on the Green Hornet and did it a helluva lot more convincingly than Burt Ward did as Robin. Also, he was the onscreen master of Jackie Chan in The Big Brawl, Chuck Norris in The Octagon, Jeff Speakman in The Perfect Weapon, Russell Wong on the short lived Black Sash a few years ago and yes, Rick Springfield in an episode of The Incredible Hulk! He also tormented Samurai Jack as Aku, ordered the attack in Pearl Harbor and touched one last generation as Uncle Iroh on Avatar. He was also one of the actual Japanese people in Memoirs of a Geisha. And I totally overlooked Syd Barrett of Pink Floyd dying. Probably because I don’t give a shit about Pink Floyd. Hell, my favorite Pink Floyd song is actually the rip-off by Queensryche “Silent Lucidity.”
TRUST YOUR INSTINCTS
So, Wedding Crashers is on cable and I tried watching it like I said I would and…I was right. This is movie is too fucking long. The opening scenes where we have the wedding montage goes on for Too. Fucking. Long. I couldn’t believe it. Every time I thought they were done, here comes another scene from another wedding, because obviously someone, somewhere didn’t get it from the first twenty fucking scenes of exactly the same fucking thing. And the ending was no better. Dragged out beyond all human comprehension. If I’d paid to see this, I’d have slit my wrists. The funny moments that appear simply aren’t worth waiting for.
1ST JOB: PLAY BASS; 2ND JOB: MAKE STEVE PERRY LOOK BETTER BY COMPARISON
Randy Jackson of American Idol was that ugly-ass bassist that was touring with Journey towards the end? And it is over. Even if he wasn’t originally in the band, without Steve Perry, there is no Journey. And fuck you all. I liked some of that cheesey shit, especially at the end. “I’ll Be All Right Without You” and “The Girl Can’t Help It” sit without shame on my iPod (which scared me to death by freezing up on me for 12 hours) next to “Lovin’, Touchin’, Squeezing” and “Oh, Sherrie.” And yes, “Silent Lucidity.”
THESE BOOTS WERE MADE FOR WALKING…TO THE KITCHEN
Remember those boots I was dying to have a few months ago? I don’t know if I mentioned it, but I saw these suede motorcycle-type boots in Kenneth Cole (the chick/homosexual within me demands I look at shoes when depressed) and I wanted them. They were normally $250, but onsale for $150. Thankfully the real chicks I know talked me out of it, as it was late spring and there’s no way I’d be wearing them anyway. In any case, depressed because my temp agency screwed up and I didn’t get paid last week, I went into the store and low and behold the boots were onsale still, but with an additional 30%, knocking it down to $105. Yes, I know I’m broke, I don’t have a real job and I really can’t afford this, but damnit, I need something nice for me! But, I decided to wait for my two checks before wasting the money like that. Good thing I did, because by the time I actually got to go in there, they were now 70% off the sale price. Yes, formerly $250, I bought them for $45 bucks. I got the nice brown ones, but if there were any black ones left in my size, I would have bought them both (I read an article in GQ that discussed how, when men find something they like, they tend to buy it over and over again). Yes, it’s now pretty much August and we’re actually in the middle of a freaking heat wave (remember that, you bitches who complained about the rain) and I can’t wear them for a long, long time, but I went home, had a few drinks and proceeded to walk around my apartment in them wearing nothing but my underwear. Now, if a woman did that, it’d be as sexy as hell, but when I passed the mirror it was kinda gross. There’s a reason a guy in boots and underwear is always used as a joke in movies. But I love them like a fat kid loves cake (i.e., like I love cake)---even if they may be too good for me to wear in public (like the gorgeous black suede shirt my parents gave me three years ago that has never left my closet).
SERIOUSLY. I. WILL. NOT. CALL YOU.
Speaking of new things, I got a new phone too, this time with the bells and whistles of Bluetooth (which I’ll never use) and a camera, which I’ll only use to allow all my sisters (the ones my parents gave me and the ones I made myself) to help me shop, as in the world of shoe shopping I’m obviously but a learner while they are all masters. My old contract expired so I used this opportunity to get a new one, but with the idea that I was only going to whomever gave me the free phone I wanted. Well, I not only got the $200 camera I wanted for free ($150 off for renewing the plan and the other $50 because of confusion with the Sprint operator and my father suddenly taking over my body and getting the Radio Shack guy to forego it), but I’ve also got a $50 renewal credit coming which takes care of the $36 activation fee. So, in my mind this knocks another $14 off my boots, bring them down to $31. Oh, by the way, between this and Jennifer’s yearly meltdown where I had to reinstall her OS, which wiped out everything on my hard drive, I’ve lost a bunch of numbers and addresses, so if you want me to have them, better send ‘em. I’ll never write or call, but if you want me to have them…
07/24/06
ANGRY, BITTER AND A DICK, BUT STILL SMARTER THAN YOU
Pirates of the Caribbean 2 holds at number one and the wife of my dealer (now one of my employers) remarked that everyone seemed to be enjoying this but the critics. She’s right. But then again, all the rest of you actually had a choice on whether or not to see it. If my time as a critic taught me anything it’s that seeing movies for a living is not a good thing if you love movies. I know that seems contradictory, but it’s true. Basically, there is nothing in this life that doesn’t become a burden once you have to do it to pay the light bill. You love beer? You think being a beer taster would be easy? Imagine having to get up on a cold, rainy, Monday morning, after suffering your way through insomnia, having to fight your way through traffic and you have to do it for a supervisor you hate. And just because you love beer doesn’t mean you’re going to love every beer. Being a beer taster means you have to taste the shitty beers so they can make the good ones. So here it is again: cold, rainy Monday morning, not enough sleep, traffic, boss you hate and you have to drink beers that taste like piss. Still a great job? No, hell, it is not. Movies are the same way. Every movie is not good and quite frankly most of them suck. Because of this, you get to the point where you take it personally when one sucks. You feel personally violated because you had to see this shit. Hours of your life have been taken away that you’re not going to get back. This is why critics are harsh and vicious even to mediocre films. It’s because that was two hours they’d rather spend doing something else that this thing took from them. I’m still scarred by that time. I don’t see art films any more because I had to see so many. Nights after work when I’d just want to go home and relax were spent in screening rooms, so when it sucked I was looking for a throat to cut. But this is bad because normal people don’t have to see films. They see them for pleasure. It’s a different perspective. But absolutely none of this changes the fact that this movie was too fucking long, meanders about for the first half hour and makes the horrible mistake of not putting its stars together until the last half hour. Critics may be bitter dicks, but that doesn’t make us wrong. And all you fuckers who love this movie are wrong. WRONG!
HERE’S THE ANGER, BITTERNESS & DICKNESS IN EFFECT
Monster House opens at number two and speaking of critic hate, Robert Zemeckis sucks as only the way someone who was brought into the business by Steven Spielberg can, so when I saw this came from the two of them (Zemeckis is executive producer and it’s form Spielberg’s production company) I knew I’d never be seeing it. My basic rule for animation is this: if the director didn’t also write it, it probably sucks. The best modern animated films come whole-heatedly from the directors. Shit like Shrek comes off an assembly line. Just guys hired to do a job. Granted, the writers were part of the legendary Heat Vision & Jack, but this is the director’s first film. I have no faith in it and the story doesn’t interest me. I see no reason why this isn’t a live action film other than “computer animation = easy money.”
MORE ANGER, MORE BITTERNESS, MORE DICKNESS AND THE BEAUTY OF SCHADENFREUDE
Lady In the Water opens at number three and I’m enjoying this disappointing opening and critical ravaging far too much. Sorry, but M. Night Shamaylan is one of those directors who hit big and was given far too much control too soon. The Sixth Sense was a nice update of a ghost story cliché, but Unbreakable was bullshit and Signs was stupid even for science fiction movie about an alien invasion (Independence Day looks like a documentary next to it). I wouldn’t waste my time with The Village, nor would I waste my time with this. But what I hate the most is how he puts himself in his own films. A simple cameo isn’t good enough. He has to act and that just screams “arrogant” to me. Always has. It’s funny when Scorsese does it because he’s never anyone but Scorsese. He’s not acting. And he just can’t cameo, no. This fucker has to put himself in the most crucial scenes of the film (it’s his scene in The Sixth Sense that’s the biggest clue that Bruce Willis is a ghost; the death of Mel Gibson’s wife by him is the core of Signs) and apparently Disney took issue with the size of his role in this. He didn’t like their comments and bolted. For any other director but him I’d say, “Good,” but he’s a self-indulgent prick and I love that this was beaten out by a kid’s movie about a haunted house.
MY FAVORITE STEELY DAN SONG? THE WONDERFULLY DECADENT “FM”
You, Me & Dupree is down to number four and Steely Dan has a song called “Cousin Dupree” about a freeloader. Coincidence? They don’t think so, so on their website they have a tirade directed towards Luke Wilson about his brother, Owen. Mocking the film’s bad reviews and bitching about how they weren’t given credit, much less a check. This tells us two things: 1) Steely Dan is as petty as they are ugly (and they are one of the ugliest fucking bands in music history, which is saying something when you include Mick Jagger, Motorhead and 99% of all rappers) and 2) they are dumb as they are ugly. First of all, it’s obvious that it’s an homage to the song. Are you so fucking broke that you need a dime from this? And are you so petty that a song that’s loooong after your peak even needs to be acknowledged? But most of all, are you so fucking stupid that you think Owen Wilson created this movie by himself!?! He’s just a fucking actor! He signed up, did his schtick and got paid. How about the directors? The fucking writer? Sigh. It’s always sad when people you like turn out to be utter idiots.
DAMN, DIRTY GEEKS
Little Man is down to number five, followed by Clerks II at number six and there are many clues as to what makes a truly hardcore geek like Kevin Smith. It may be confusing to some of you because there are computer geeks, science fiction geeks, comic book geeks and fantasy geeks. As king I dabble in them all (except fantasy, because those geeks just creep me out), and one constant I can tell you about all geeks is that they love porn and know all about it. There are many different lands of “Geek” but only one religion and that religion is porn. This came to mind in Clerks II during an extended bit about nothing less than porn staple known as “ass-to-mouth” (also known as “a.t.m”), which for the innocent amongst you is oral sex on a penis, which has just been in someone’s anus. This has been all the rage in porn for the better part of a decade now (adultdvdempire.com lists no less than 263 movies with “atm” in the title alone) thanks to an influx of Europeans and I don’t think it’s a coincidence that the sickest porn always comes from Germany, Japan and Italy. I’m beginning to think the real reason World War II was fought was to keep depraved sex acts from American shores (I can just see John Wayne yealling, “Get this straight, Adolph! No god-fearing, freedom-loving American will ever ask his best girl to ‘snowball’ him! And you can tell that to your buddies Tojo and Mussolini!”). And like banking and car manufacturing, we won the war but lost the peace because why else would Rosario Dawson actually have a line where she indicates having committed the act on occasion? That’s how you know Kevin Smith is a serious fucking geek. Not all the comic book references in every single movie, but that right there. I almost suspect this entire movie was built around just getting footage of someone like her saying that. The only way it could be more geeky would be to have Jessica Alba or Natalie Portman say it (somewhere, some geek just lost consciousness at the mere thought of it). Coming in second in the geek fest that is this movie is the argument between Star Wars geeks and Lord of the Rings geeks, which was probably the second reason he made this move. It goes on for much too long, which makes it only half as funny as it could have been and it’s not nearly mean enough. Much funnier and better paced is the discussion of what a real racial slur is and it’s so good it could have been a David Chapelle bit. But that kind of edgy brilliance is in short supply in this needless sequel. Clerks worked because you could feel the authenticity of Kevin Smith’s writing. He was a frustrated twentysomething clerk going nowhere fast and his work was borne of it, but as he’s gotten older and richer, you could feel the energy sliding away, climaxing in Jersey Girl (stay for the credits and read his comments about that). This happens to 90% of most artists and like 90% of most artists Kevin Smith seeks revitalization by revisiting the site of his greatest success (Acoustic Layla? Back Into Hell? Godfather III?). The problem is, as a thirtysomething happily married millionaire, just what the fuck does he know about the mindset of a miserable thirtysomething trapped in a hell of his own making? I mean, I know it, but he didn’t call me. Had he done so, I could have easily told him this isn’t it. But he got the fat part so well it was depressing. I blew off going to the gym to see it and regretted it instantly. First, from all the fat geeks in the audience and second from the extra pounds on Dante and Randall which was just sad (and say what you want about Jason Mewes struggle with drugs, it kept him thin).
MY SUPER EX-GREAT COMEDY DIRECTOR
My Super Ex Girlfriend opens at number seven and this could have been so much more in the right hands, but Ivan Reitman gave up the ghost a long, long time ago and this writer isn’t doing him any favors. Yes, he wrote for The Simpsons---starting with season 11. Yeah, exactly. The idea of dealing with a superpowered ex is rife with possibilities and for the thirty seconds they actually explore it, it’s kinda funny. Also, that your superhero girlfriend is a bit of a whack job who’d let New York be destroyed because she doesn’t want to leave you at dinner with another woman is also funny. The problem is, it takes freaking forever to get there and then it’s over before you know it. Even the idea that her archenemy is actually a jilted high school boyfriend is wasted (this is actually a take on Superboy’s relationship with Lex Luthor, whose friendship in the 50’s comics soured in high school) and not helped in the least by a miscast Eddie Izzard whose accent is all over the place. People forget, but for all the special effects in Ghostbusters it was really a comedy about New York. This takes place in a very authentic New York, but there is not one joke about NYC in this film. At all. Not one. A movie about dating a crazy person and not one New York joke shows up. Yeah, it’s that inept. Not one hit of satire about relationships or life in the city or anything else is to be found. What’s worse is we get hints at it. When Uma Thurman gets her powers in high school, her breasts grow, her braces pop off and she turns blonde. All in a matter of minutes. She also then becomes popular and leaves her geeky best friend behind, prompting his turn into super villainy. Nothing is done with this at all. We see her powers make her shallow and possibly nuts, but never is this possibility ever discussed. What’s sadly ironic about this is, in the 50’s Superman seemingly tormented Lois Lane constantly. It was seen as “all in fun” back then, but to look at it now is like looking at Amos & Andy. You wonder what the hell they were thinking having this all-powerful male be such an ass to this woman. (you can see it here at www.superdickery.com). I get the feeling the writer knew a little about these books. Too bad he didn’t know more. And while Uma Thurman is fine as the nutjob superhero, Luke Wilson is not only drained of any personality as the sad sack who makes the mistake of dating her, but he’s let himself go too. He looks like he’s been going to Empanada Mama more than I have, pudgy bastard. It’s okay for me. But no one is paying me to look good (I’d only take their money and buy more cheese). When his nude seen comes up, the taut and toned person standing with his back to the camera is such an obvious body double it’s almost like it’s a deliberate joke. They might as well have made him black. The movie could have used the laugh.
YOU’D HAVE BETTER LUCK WITH APT PUPIL 2
Superman Returns is down to number eight and all talk about a sequel to this is bullshit to save face and pretend it’s not an utter disappointment. In one full month it will only make budget. Budget! Not even prints and advertising! And that’s only when you add in overseas. And even if they did, does Bryan Singer really think they’d let him near it? I think not. Sadly, McG might have get a second chance. But he won’t because this is not a success. And if it seems weird that I’m saying this, know that Superman the comic is kinda good right now, and when TV shows and movies of comic book characters are successful, the books are forced to change to match them. So the disappointing returns of this movie mean the good stories I’m currently enjoying will be left alone.
PAY HER LIKE YOU OWE HER, BITCHES!
The Devil Wears Prada is down to number nine and by this time next week will break $100M. Yeah! Go, Meryl!
SECOND FAVORITE STEELY DAN SONG: “PEG”
Finally, Cars closes out the top ten at number ten and do you think Steely Dumbass thinks Owen Wilson made this movie by himself too? I’ll bet they do.
ACTUALLY NO BOOBS WOULD BE HELL FOR ANY MAN
Death has been on an old school tear recently with June Allyson, Bernard Hughes, Red Buttons, Jack Warden and Mickey Spillane (geek connection: he worked at Marvel comics back in the 30’s). But all these people were in their 80’s so it’s not like some sort of shock. Younger is the pianist and original member of the Commodores, Milan Williams, of cancer. Also gone is the creator of Hooters and his personal hell is either a bunch of large breasted women in shapeless outfits serving him shit like pate and snails for eternity or flat-chested women in Hooters outfits serving him pate and snails for eternity. Either way, French food this fucker wouldn’t appreciate is all he’s getting.
NEWSFLASH: MEN ARE WORTHLESS AND WEAK
Now, we’re all enjoying the saga of Christie Brinkley and her husband because a) it’s summer, b) we’re bored, c) the war in the Middle East (again) is depressing and d) they’re rich and glamorous and living a life we envy so it’s fun to watch them suffer. What’s even funnier and sadder is that he was doing this ten years ago when he married her! Something Samantha Cole was quick to capitalize on to get her name back in the papers. Apparently she had a minor hit, which is news to me because the only “Cole” I know is Paula and I can barely remember her and where the cowboys went. I feel for Christie, but this is husband number four. She’s got to face the fact that she’s picking these losers. As a supermodel (and she was one of the real ones, not like Gisele Bunchen who is not, never was and never will be), even a middle-aged one, she still has her choice of older men who still consider her a prize if nothing else, but she still picks the one guy who, despite being married to a supermodel still needs that young stuff. I mean, he was a model himself (as was Cindy Crawford’s husband, so you rich ugly fuckers stop kidding yourself; if they can get looks with the money, they’re not picking you), so he can get lots of booty his own age. He just doesn’t want it. He’s pathetic to need some 19-year-old so he can be the boss, because otherwise he’s Mr. Brinkley. And even there, he picked an attractive kid, but again, not a supermodel either, especially considering most models are teenagers. Even in search of young pussy, he was insecure.
I CAN NOW TAKE THE REST OF THE YEAR OFF, RIGHT?
So I left the house for social functions not once but twice last week. First Surrogate Sister turned 31. This is the one that hurts. 30 is bad enough, but 31 confirms that you’re only going forward. I was very depressed at thirty-one (back in the previous millennium when it occurred). Because I’m old and fat, I felt I had to work out first, so I arrived late convinced it wouldn’t be a problem. But that’s because I was thinking of Surrogate Sister and her friends as kids in their 20’s. They are not. In their 30’s they were no more geared up to drinking until dawn than I was. The bar was low-key, not crowded and was over by 11:00. Welcome to the end of your youth, children! Not to mention, Surrogate Sister was drunk and only wanted to go home. Quite a contrast from when I bumped into her at a club on her birthday a few years ago. Also in attendance was The Dutch Pretty Girl, last heard from on Christmas with Surrogate Sister (aka “The Gnome Incident”). She was actually looking better than the last time I saw her (which is easy when your mom was once on the cover of Vogue). She’s taking that stripper class by Sheila Kelly and apparently very good (very impressive considering what I said last time), but I had to hear this from her friends as she disappeared to go outside and fight with her boyfriend on the phone for the rest of the night. I was instead entertained by a photographer Surrogate Sider works with regularly who told me how they are only assigned to the most remote parts of country? LA? No. Chicago? No. Miami? Keep dreaming. East Buttfuck, Maine is where they wind up on a regular basis. Left Testicle, Missouri. During Black Fly Season no less. Also entertaining was her longtime friend, Saturday Night Fever. I call her that because she’s very New York, very Italian and whenever I hear her name, I think of Saturday Night Fever. Armed with an impressive rack (which I only noticed for the first time that night after hearing about it for years), she’s a maneater of the first order. The kind of woman who leaves a trail of broken men if her wake, evidenced by her final words to me that evening: “That guy I’ve been talking to has a very small penis and I feel sorry for him.” Damn. It was both very funny and very scary. It’s funny because, well, it’s not me. It’s scary because somewhere, some woman has had a few drinks and is telling her friends (or total strangers) about your sexual…shortcomings. Be it size or a lackluster performance (goddamnit, I was drunk, I was tired, and had a lot on my mind!). It’s times like this I’m content in my non-dating, porn watching, comic book buying, hermit lifestyle. Better not to try than to fail miserably. I also attended the cookout of Around The Way Girl’s former roommate and The Libertine’s ex. Well, I attended the remnants of it. I had to work all day and apparently it was packed around three. When I got there at eight, there was no food left and precious little drink, but that’s not why I was there anyway. I went for two reasons: The Libertine and Dorito Cheeseburger Woman (Around The Way Girl had been and left when they broke out the weed). The Libertine was wiser than I and brought her own food to cook up. I gave our host money to go buy more food and he came back with…beer. Sigh. So she was goodly enough to share her burger with me. Dorito Cheeseburger Woman also showed up, looking and smelling great and continuing to be the stuff of my fantasies by eating without shame or hesitation, putting ketchup on noodle salad! Damn, I’ve to get a ring her on finger! But she’s much too good for an angrygeek like me. It’s funny, but during conversation she mentioned that a guy she’d dated had told her she was too nice. She didn’t understand this, but it’s true. She’s so warm and positive and outgoing and filled with life, I’m afraid my evil, negative flesh will burn at her touch like a vampire in the sun. We left around 11 because the others had to work on Monday and I had to get back and write this for you people. We left our host and his hardcore center group “passing the dutchie” on the back patio, which is especially impressive if you remember they’d been partying since three that afternoon. Apparently 30 doesn’t slow everyone down.
07/17/06
NOT SO MUCH BOOTY
Pirates of the Caribbean: Dead Man’s Chest is poised to become one of the biggest hits of the year and has been breaking box office records (not adjusted for inflation box office records). What’s remarkable about this is that it’s so inferior to the first film, but so much more successful, like say, Austin Powers. The first was no great shakes (though I know many of you idiots loved it), but the second was abysmal and the third even worse, but they made more money (both making four times the box office of the original). Films like these become more cultural events. People see them because everybody else has seen them and they don’t want to be left out. Even the 52% drop in box office isn’t a problem, given the money it’s made so quickly. But now we get to the fun part: it cost $225M, so it’s only made budget. It’s another $20M at least to make up prints and advertising. Even with an international total of $305M, it’s still a looooong way away from being profitable. What’s the rule, kids? 3x budget for profitability. That means it’s gotta pull about $700M before we can start breaking out the champagne. Or in this case, rum. But one thing I like about this illusion of success is that Bill Nighy will benefit from it. He plays the octopussed-faced Davy Jones and the beauty of Bill Nighy is that he can still make his personality known through the make-up and special effects. He’s one of those great supporting character actors, uplifting virtually any film he’s in, even with the spectacle of special effects going on around him or scenery chewing by other actors. Do yourselves a favor and catch him as a burnt out rock star in Still Crazy, which was the first time I ever saw him. He played a variation of the same role later in love, actually.
LITTLE HUMOR
Little Man opens at number two and I will slap your fucking face if you seriously ask me if I’ve seen this. I have principles! I have standards! I have a weird bump behind my left ear, which is probably better viewing that this (actually I have one behind each ear and I’ve had them since birth when the doctor told my mother, “Oh, those will go away.”). Still, I will give the Wayans credit for sheer grotesque audacity. In a world of cookie-cutter, audience tested comedies, it’s almost refreshing how they simply don’t give a shit about anyone else’s tastes. And this would have made for a very funny parody trailer in another movie. As a genuine film, I simply doubt they have the talent to pull if off and nothing I’ve seen from them over the years has changed that. I mean, how many jokes can you make about midget impersonating a baby? He shaves, he drinks, he wants to have sex. That’s it. Believe it or not, but you have to be pretty smart to make vulgar humor consistently funny. There’s a reason National Lampoon was filled with Ivy League grads. There’s also, Richard Pryor and Mel Brooks and I think you can see the difference between them and these idiots. You also have to be willing to go to the edge, potentially make people uncomfortable, and they’ve also proven too nice for that. Very little of their racial humor comes close to the club scene in Animal House (“Mind if we dance with y’alls dates?”).
NO, THEY’RE JUST HERE TO SEE ME
You, Me & Dupree opens at number three and it’s gotta hurt being beaten out by a guy pretending to be a dwarf, pretending to be a baby. Barely, but beaten just the same. But it’s two against one, not three against two. Owen Wilson is the only A-list start between both films. Kate Hudson has hit her Ashley Judd “I need to recover my career” moment ten years sooner than Ashley Judd realized it and is smart to just be here playing the annoyed wife and not have the film rest on her shoulder. While Matt Dillon could teach a class on “How To Maintain A Career When You’re Not Longer The Hot Young Thing.” No, this was Owen Wilson’s chance to carry on his own---and he kinda did it. Nothing was beating Pirates of the Caribbean, so number two would have been a win. But they didn’t get it (denying them that bullshit qualifier “The Number One Comedy in America), suggesting that maybe he needs Vince Vaughn or Ben Stiller. I know I need them because I can’t stand him. This same laid back character he plays in every movie is as annoying as hell to me and only improves The Haunting in memory because he gets decapitated in it. The story of the annoying houseguest also doesn’t work for me, because it personally annoys me. It would be like watching a movie about blackboard scratching.
YOU NEVER STOP BEING A GEEK; YOU JUST BUY YOUR BATMAN T-SHIRTS LARGER
Superman Returns is down to number four and in the comics there was a storyline similar to this one where Lex Luthor gets control of Kryptonian technology. The only difference is it was interesting because he was going to use it to destroy Metropolis outright (an there was also dozens of super-villains to fight and superhero guest appearances). In the end Superman briefly lost his powers as well and was being taken to a hospital---but recovered almost immediately rather than the Christ-like few days before Superman rises in this movie (yes, in the movie, he actually almost dies on a Friday). Because I’m a geek, I actually discussed this online with the author who said they’d planned the storyline without knowing anything about the film…and let the record show that the only geeks bigger than those who read comics are those who write them, because why the fuck else would a paid professional be online talking his work with people like me? It’s one thing to have a planned organized Q&A, but we’re talking about this guy just showing up online. And he does it all. the. time. It’s like Mick Jagger showing up to talk about his music at your local coffeehouse…all the time. First time, fun. Second, still interesting. Third time…dude, don’t you have work to do?
TALENT = CASH. YEAH, RIGHT.
The Devil Wears Prada is down to number five, but up to $83M and I want Meryl Streep to have a $100M film! A good one (Lemony Snicket A Series of Unfortunate Events made $118M). Where she’s the star (Kramer vs. Kramer made $106M and this was back in 1978, which is about $300M today). Without needing overseas support (Death Becomes Her $149M worldwide, Out of Africa $258M worldwide). She’s the greatest actress ever to be on celluloid and deserves a $100M film! Especially when fucking Julia Roberts has ten! Ten!
ONE WILSON BROTHER DOWN, TWO MORE TO GO
Cars is down to number six given Own Wilson two films in the top ten that will ultimately be considered disappointing. There is a god.
OH, AND THE ACCENT MATTERS TOO
Click is down to number seven and Kate Beckinsale left her longtime boyfriend and father of her child for her Underworld director, Len Wiseman. Actually a wise decision, because not only did Underworld make her a star, but he’s one of the few actually good-looking directors out there, making it one of the few actress/director hookups that doesn’t make your skin crawl at the thought of it. He’s also in talks to direct Die Hard 4 which actually gives me new hope for it. With his own success under his belt, it’ll be less likely that Bruce Willis will push him around and churn out more crap from the no-name directors he likes for his big movies. But I’m going to need an Underworld 3 if for no other reason than to see Kate Beckinsale in skintight rubber kicking ass one more time. Hey, porn can’t fulfill all my deviant needs.
EVEN KEANU HAS FORGOTTEN
The Lake House is down to number eight, followed by Nacho Libre at number nine and A Scanner Darkly breaking the top ten at number ten, giving Keanu two films in the top ten and do you ever wonder what ever happened to that other guy from Bill & Ted’s Excellent Adventure? Me neither.
“MEAT MOVIES” IS ANOTHER
The Groomsmen doesn’t break the top ten, but it’s Ed Burns’s latest film, now that he’s climbed off Christy Turlington long enough to go back to work. I feel guilty not seeing this because a friend of mine worked on it, but movies about women and their feelings are “chick flicks” then movies about men and their feelings are “dick flicks” (“sausage cinema” and “phallus films” being alternatives) and I just don’t like “dick flicks.” See, as a man, I know how men think so there’s nothing there for me. I mean, I don’t spend 99% of my time around broads because I like you smelly bastards to begin with. Besides, no matter how “sensitive” his men may be, Ed Burns still comes from an old school mentality, which means the women in his movies have very little to say or do and how can you have a three-dimensional view of a man with only a two-dimensional woman next to him (especially when she’s responsible for one of his three dimensions). And the casting didn’t help him. Donal Logue I love and am disappointed The Tao of Steve didn’t do more for him, but the other men are Matthew Lillard, Jay Mohr and John Leguizamo. Jesus. Um, Ed, you’re already a good-looking guy. Your track record of Christy Turlington, Heather Graham and Lauren Holly should be a clue. You don’t need to hire a cast of ugly guys to make yourself look better. Or did working with Jon Bonjovi give you a reality check you couldn’t cash (he hasn’t cast another good-looking male since and Elijah Wood in Ash Wednesday doesn’t count since he looks like a boy)? And Brittney Murphy as the bride was the final nail in the coffin---though I do like single “Faster Pussycat” that she does with Paul Oakenfold.
AND I’D RATHER GIVE MY MONEY TO THE MOB THAN HEFNER
So, I hate Playboy. This is a long established fact. But I made a promise that when they had minorities as either covergirls or centerfolds I would buy it to support our sisters of color. I failed to keep this vow because a) to know there was a woman of color in the centerfold I’d have to look at the magazine regularly and that’s just not going to happen; and b) 99% of the time it means some naked Asian girl anyway, ‘cause that’s the only thing White boys like as much as blondes. This month, however, I had to buy it because none other than Stacey Dash did the “Let’s Get This Career Re-Started” layout, like so many before her (taking bets on Ashley Judd’s layout…). And like so many before her, it’s 20 years after her body was its prime because, Stacey Dash is fucking 40 and if she looks this good now, imagine how slamming she was at 20. Yes, that’s the 40-year-old mother of one in that picture. She was 26 when she did Clueless (and how long before that Alicia Silverstone layout?), suggesting that her deal with the Devil is even better than Bridget Fonda’s. But she’s been working her way up to this for awhile now. Over the last year or two she’s done a some of that faux “Maxim-style” porn, where she’s nearly nude. Here she does real nudity and not that lame “no bush” nudity that stars do (yes, Peta Wilson, I’m talking to you). And even through Playboy’s clichéd poses and over-photoshopping, she still manages to look good. She got a boob job a few years ago, and while I’m still against them, having seen her in a pre-implant nude scene, I totally understand why. And it’s actually a good job. She didn’t go Pamela Anderson on herself and stayed in proportion to her body. But even more shocking that her decent layout is that the centerfold had, dark hair, real breasts and pubic hair! Less shocking is their dull “Girls of the OC” layout where pubic hair and round asses where in short supply.
AND SHE’S NOT A REDHEAD, SO THAT HELPS
There’ve been few celeb sightings as of recently, but this one couldn’t wait. No, not seeing Donna Murphy in the street (she’s got two Tonys for Best Actress, but that and $2 will get you on the subway; you know her as the wife of Dr. Octopus who was decapitated in Spider-Man 2), but seeing Emma Bolger come into the comic book store a few times. I couldn’t place her at first; I mean she’s a cute freckle faced Irish girl. Not uncommon in New York. But then the accent came out and I knew who she was. In case you don’t know who that is, she was the younger of the two sisters in In America. Painfully cute onscreen, even moreso in person, especially when she’s holding her little brother’s hand and taking him through the toy section pointing things out to him and answering his questions.
07/10/06
BECAUSE NO ONE WANTS TO HEAR A KEITH RICHARDS SOLO ALBUM
Pirates of the Caribbean: Dead Man’s Chest shocks everyone by having the biggest one day opening (not adjusted for inflation) in history. Well, shocked everyone except those who noticed this is the first big summer movie to be about fun. Think about it. X3? Pretentious pseudo-metaphors. Not fun. Superman Returns (a.k.a. Superman 3/5) chock fulla Christ imagery. Not fun. Da Vinci Code? Fun is you don’t like the Catholic Church, but not a fun movie-going experience. Mission Impossible 3? Tom Cruise taking himself way too seriously as a secret agent. And no, kids movies don’t count. This has something for almost everyone. It’s got the kids from the Disney tie-in, males young and old for the action (and Keira Knightley), young females for Orlando Bloom, you bitches who think you’re young but aren’t any more for Johnny Depp and the older crowd actually remembers when pirate movies were big. Too bad it wasn’t better. It does still have a lot of what made the first one work, which is specifically that it actually steps back and marvels at the absurdity of what’s going on. More than once, something simply silly and incredible happens and the characters stop to take a look at this silly and incredible thing like a normal person would. As opposed to Tom Cruise jumping off rooftops and people acting like it’s an everyday occurrence (if they’d allowed one agent to be the audience and make jokes about the absurdity of it all, they might have saved that movie) or Superman doing something incredible and people all but falling to their knees and saying a prayer for their deliverer (how about someone joking about how they’re going to get the space shuttle out of Dodger Stadium?). But still, that alone doesn’t carry a movie and this overlong action comedy needed help. First of all, it takes for-fucking-ever to get started. There’s a needless and overly-long piece set on an island of cannibals that should have been cut in half, if not jettisoned altogether. Then it takes even longer to get all of our stars together and then immediately separates them. Orlando Bloom leaves Kiera Knightley at the beginning to find Johnny Depp, but Depp immediately strands him on the Flying Dutchman. Keira Knightley comes after Bloom so now we her story to also find Depp, giving us at least half an hour with all three stars in separate storylines. She eventually winds up with Johnny Depp, but don’t expect to see her with Bloom again, much less all three together, until the film’s last half hour. And while Johnny Depp’s unexpectedly appealing riff on Keith Richards earned him a well-deserved and rare Oscar-nod for a comedic performance, this movie seems to think that’s enough to keep you entertained, so you have to endure looooong stretches of him just hamming it up as Jack Sparrow. Did it not occur to them that what made this work was having Orlando Bloom as his straight man? Oh, and it’s got a cliffhanger ending. Yep, kids, the movie takes forever to get started, but after it finally does, it’s over and you’ll wait until next summer to see the end. Hope they enjoyed their big weekend, because word of mouth about that is going to kill this movie. Face it: some of you just utterly ruled out seeing now, didn’t you? If you can barely find time to see a movie now, you’re sure as hell not going to waste that time on a movie that doesn’t even have an ending.
AND JESSICA SIMPSON WILL PLAY THE BAD GUY AND THEY’LL FIGHT TOPLESS
Superman Returns is down to number two and right now Wonder Woman’s future is in jeopardy because of the disappointing box office. When you can’t even sell the most famous superhero in the world, you’re going to think twice about greenlighting his female counterpart who can’t even keep her comic book running (the only reason it still keeps coming back is because if DC/Warner Brothers go a certain amount of time without publishing it, they lose rights to it). Joss Whedon (in whom I have no confidence to do this, by the way; Buffy be damned, he sucks on the big screen) took too long getting his script done. Now, if they even do it, the suits at Warner Brothers are going question every last dime that needs to be spent. And goodbye to an unknown. Because they need more of a guaranteed draw now, Lindsay Lohan just came one freaking step closer to actually getting the role (but Charisma Carpenter, you’re too old and too short, honey). The total budget for this film is almost $360M, which includes production, prints & advertising and pre-production costs on the aborted Tim Burton/Nicholas Cage version ($65M alone and it still would have sucked more), so we’re talking over A BILLION DOLLARS for it to make a profit. Yes, Warner Brothers possibly saw the writing on the wall by splitting production costs with another studio, but that only means it now needs to make almost $700M for them to see a box office profit. And unlike Batman, they aren’t going to pull in loot from merchandising. Tell me, other than my geeky ass, how many Superman t-shirts have you seen? And I stopped wearing mine because I got tired of being fucking asked if I’d seen the movie (and not because I look fat in them, which is the usual reason). But the worst part of all, given taking this oh-so-serious approach (Batman Begins on the other hand, was filled with humor) failed and the success of his own film, the reported Jack Black version of Green Lantern takes one step closer to reality. I know some of you would like that so I’d like you to tell me who you hare SO I CAN COME AND FUCKING KILL YOU!
BUT IT’S CERTAINLY A PLACE WHERE SATAN WOULD LIVE
The Devil Wears Prada is down to number three and one thing that put a damper on this film for me was that it was filmed were I used to work in Rockefeller Center. The ironic thing is that Time Magazine does have offices there, but that isn’t where they filmed. No, they filmed in my old building, which was constantly pulling me out of the movie because I know there’s nothing glamorous going on there! Yes, I saw Nick Lachey there for some reason, but what’s he got to do with glamour?
I TOLD YOU I WAS FROM THE SOUTH
Click is down to number four, followed by Cars at number five and Richard Petty does the voice of a car only known as “The King” in this movie, which is befitting, because that’s what he is. Let me put it this way. Even I know who Richard Petty is and the first and last car model I tried to put together was Richard Petty’s blue and red Dodge Charger. Yes, there was a time I put together something other than spaceships.
THIS LENDS NEW WEIGHT TO MY THEORY ABOUT “NEW DEHLI DRAG”
Nacho Libre is down to number six, followed by The Lake House at number seven and The Fast & The Furious: Tokyo Drift at number eight, and the director of this was Justin Lin, who was also the director of Annapolis, the lame remake of An Officer & A Gentleman. His big break-through film was Better Luck Tomorrow, which was to him what Boyz N The Hood was to John Singleton and ironically, Singleton directed the second Fast & The Furious movie. I’m sure the studio simply thought “Asian setting, Asian director” and apparently didn’t seem to notice that he’s Chinese and the story is set in Japan, but when you’re a minority filmmaker, it’s not in your best interest to point these things out. I didn’t see this or his other two movies, so I can’t tell you if he sucks as much as Singleton does, proving race doesn’t matter when it comes to making crappy movies.
ETC
Waist Deep is down to number nine and closing out the top ten at number is The Break-Up, still hanging around the top ten.
WHERE’S THE CAMEO BY COURTNEY LOVE?
Not breaking the top ten is Through A Scanner Darkly, Richard Linklater’s second film involving rotoscope animation and no I didn’t see and never will I see it. First of all, I’ve never been a Linklater fan and I don’t see what others see in him. I totally understood why Kevin Smith saw Slacker and thought, “What is this shit? I can do that,” and went out and made Clerks. Ninety minutes of watching 20-something slackers? Please. And to me, Dazed & Confused was just a high school version of that same crap. I think you have to smoke weed to love it the way some people do. Waking Life was Slacker only animated, while School of Rock was a total disappointment, because it failed to be a either the slob comedy the way it was advertised or a positive family film the way it ultimately leaned. And his remake of Bad News Bears was pointless as well as gutless (non-alcoholic beer!?!). And I outright ignored Before Sunset and Before Sunrise. Twenty-then-thirtysomethings walking and talking in Europe? No thank you. And this freaking thing had the imagination to hire Robert Downey Jr as a drug addict. Oooh. He’s stretching! Woody Harrelson in a drug movie. I’m shocked! Shocked! And Winona Ryder too? Utterly groundbreaking. Did they cast at Betty Ford? I find it sad and ironic that her younger, taller replacement, Keira Knightley, is in a record-breaking movie while this is an indie film playing in 17 theaters that she was too afraid to do press for. Doesn’t she understand there is no such thing as bad publicity?
ACTUALLY IT SHOULD BE CALLED “RAWK STAR”
I avoid most reality shows and have only seen one episode of American Idol, but I fucking love Rock Star! It’s a great show because it’s not about people wanting to be musicians, but wanting to be stars. Rock stars. It’s more about striking all the classic poses from thirty years 50 years of front men than it is about singing, so it feeds into everyone’s fantasy that they could do this (unlike America Idol, where you technically need to know how to sing). And Brooke Burke as a host also feeds into that, because girls like her are the reason most guys start bands. Music, schmusic. It’s about the artifice, baby (the real rebel of the group is the guy with no tattoos or piercings)! I watched it all last summer and now it’s back. Last year it was INXS looking for a new lead singer, which was just creepy from the word “go.” When your frontman of 20 years is dead, your band is over, period. It would make more sense to use this for the band Fuel, but who even remembers them, much less gives a shit if they find a new lead? It’s a little better this year because it’s a new band looking for a singer and this is their audition process (i.e., free promotion). It’s Tommy Lee (Motley Crue), Jason Newstead (Metallica) and Gilby Clark (Guns & Roses) who are forming a new band called “Supernova.” Dave Navarro is back as host and also judging is a personal fave and hometown boy, Butch Walker, from the band Marvelous Three (their big hit was “Freak of the Week” and his recent solo album wasn’t bad). This brings the average age of the judges to somewhere in the early 40’s, which makes it pretty sad when they go on about “rocking” and “partying” when they’re old enough to be the fathers of real bands out now doing just that. And the music choices are becoming tiresome. How many fucking times can you hear the same Who songs? They should put a time cap on it. Limit them to nothing before punk. Spare us another cover of “Satisfaction” a song even Mick Jagger doesn’t want to sing anymore. Let “Anarchy in the UK” be covered every once and awhile. Hell, even some Van Halen songs, given it’s more about that type of lead singer to begin with Also, the contestants lack the skill of last year’s batch (I love you, Jordis Unga!) and they were a lot more duds this time around too. Some douche who used to sell real estate? Are you fucking kidding me? And the first guy cut so deserved to be cut it hurt. You’re auditioning for a metal band and you do fucking Duran Duran!?! But the guy who tried to do his own version of “Roxanne” also needs to be shown the door. My favorite is the shit stirrer who looks like a goth Oompa Loompa, but he’s simply too ugly to front. Also, no chick is going to do it either, so it’s a joke even having them on. Even the scary one that Tommy Lee loved so much who looked like she was going to swallow Brooke Burke in one gulp (though I was highly amused by the girl whose real name is Storm Large---her band is Storm Large & The Balls and I’m not kidding---and looks like what an edgier Spice Girl or Lindsay Lohan will look like in oh, say another six months if she doesn’t calm down). But I will not miss an episode, so don’t even think about calling me when this is on!
07/5/06
SUPERMAN RERUNS
You know my comments on Superman Returns are going to be long, so don’t even bother starting if you don’t have some time on your hands.
Twenty years. Twenty years I’ve waited for them to return Superman to the big screen. I lived in fear of the Tim Burton/Nicholas Cage version (which only got the plug pulled in pre-production) only to learn a new definition of the word fear when both McG and Brett Ratner were attached to it. When Bryan Singer abandoned X3 for this I was both saddened and elated. Sad for the X-Men, but fuck them! Superman needs to soar! I thought he would get the job done. He didn’t. In an interview in the NY Times Bryan Singer described Superman Returns as his first "chick flick" and saying "it's all about what happens when old boyfriends drop back into your life." He wasn't kidding. This movie could have easily been called "Lois Lane Returns" because it's mostly about her (even freaking Dean Cain noticed this!) and we basically see Superman through her eyes (a decent, if miscast Kate Bosworth, who would have made a perfect Sue Storm in last year’s Fantastic Four). He's either a distant savior, saying little and smiling beatifically at everyone and everything (when not striking so many Christ poses you’ll lose count), or he's bumbling co-worker Clark Kent, who is also at a loss for words. In fact, I think you can count all of Brandon Routh's lines in the entire film! There's essentially nothing to his character at all, which is painful given the movie takes place after a five-year absence, which he barely bothers to explain TO HIS WIDOWED MOTHER! Also, considering this is supposed to be Superman III, there's shockingly no mention at all of the events of II. A small reference to Luthor having been to the Fortress of Solitude before is all you get. This matters, because one of his last lines in Superman II is "I won't let you down again." Sorry, but I think disappearing for five years pretty much guarantees he did just that. But no one is bitter, disappointed or even remotely questioning of it. "I had to go see what was left of Krypton and it sucked" is apparently enough for everyone. And for all the Christ imagery and constant replay of Marlon Brando telling Kal-El to lead, we see no effects of this. If anyone is inspired by Superman's return to be better or to have more hope, it's not shown onscreen. Now, Superman The Movie was far from perfect. Personally, I don't watch it beyond the interview because it's downhill after that (and I despise Superman II outright and won't watch it or have it in my home). As soon as he holds out his hand to take her flying, it's all over but the shouting. Superman vs a Real Estate Scam? Please. And even as a kid I pained by the logic of him going back in time AND NOT CHANGING ANYTHING! Which means it all should have just happened again. But it's held up as a shining example of superhero movies because they got the character right. Christopher Reeve, Richard Donner and the writers (Mario Puzo, David & Leslie Newman, Robert Benton and Tom Mankiewicz) brought a wonderful three-dimensional Superman to life and combined with the best effects at the time a lot of it is a joy to watch. He's still a big blue scout, but self-aware and with a sense of humor (the interview brings all this home). This is also why the Superman show of the 50’s succeeded. God knows it wasn't the silly action scenes (where he'd stand up to bullets, but duck when they threw the gun at him). It was all the character George Reeves brought to the screen every week. But neither Christopher Reeve's self-aware boy scout, or George Reeves's sly action man are to be found in Superman Returns. Basically, this film suffers from the same flaw that crippled King Kong. A director too busy paying homage to his favorite movie to make a new one. At first it’s fun seeing the same title sequence from the ’78 and the music is simply incomparable so why change it? But repeated lines of dialogue? Similar plot which wasn’t that great thirty years ago? Are you fucking kidding me? Sigh. This was supposed to be my movie. My summer movie. Instead, I’m horribly depressed and don’t know when I’ll recover. I mean, what have I got to look forward to? Pirates of the Caribbean? Fuck that.
CLOTHES MAKE THE WOMAN…MEAN
The Devil Wears Prada opens at number two and the book upon which this is based is infamous because the author actually worked for Anna Wintour, the editor-in-chief of Vogue. It wasn’t particularly well reviewed, but that’s great for a film since bad books usually make good movies. There’s no place to go but up and there’s no fan base to complain about changes. But it’s an old story to begin with, even if it is true. Fresh young thing from the Midwest comes to New York to make it, winds up working for a demanding boss, stumbles at first then against all odds rises to the occasion only to lose his or her way, achieving success, but losing their soul. Yep, this is that story; only Anne Hathaway never really loses herself. The corruption borne of success never really happens to her. And on what planet is a personal assistant to the head of Vogue (called Runway here) poorly paying!?! And then there are the perks of the clothes and the parties. We see her get the clothes thanks to her literal “fairy” godfather, Stanley Tucci, who takes a caustic pity on her and teaches her how to dress, but we don’t see her or her life change so much that the reactions of her friends are warranted. Given they’re all young and rising, how is it they don’t understand the sacrifices that have to be made? Especially her boyfriend, played by Adrian Grenier (and apparently after the clothes, they had nothing left in the budget to give him the plucking and pruning needed to keep him from looking like a werewolf the way they do on entourage). He’s a young chef. He should know better than anyone the commitment needed to succeed in a place as competitive as New York. It would have also given his character more depth to have his resentment twinged with jealousy as the glamorous world she inhabited intersects regularly with dining here in NYC and she reluctantly was going where he wanted to go. Even worse is her best friend who works at an art gallery. The worlds of fashion and art likewise overlap too much in NYC for her to be as intolerant and judgmental as she is. This film needed a much darker journey to be effective. As it is, it’s a “lite” version of this type journey for a character. Even when she finally allows herself to be seduced by Simon West’s character (the type of ruggedly handsome, scarf-wearing, freelance journalist who only exists in movies), it’s after she’s broken up with her boyfriend. A more honest film would have let her cheat on him. On the upside, because she’s never truly corrupted, we don’t’ get the clichéd “comeuppance” scene. But Meryl Steep’s character is true to the end. Even though she is given small scenes of humanity to give her character three dimensions, she never violates her character to make the audience feel good (except for one final smile at the end which was so unnecessary, it appears to come right out of audience testing). And don’t let the bitching of the fashionistas about he wardrobe of this film sway you. The clothes all look great and they look great in them. Yes, I doubt if anyone really dresses in this particular fashion at Vogue, but um, IT’S A FUCKING MOVIE! It’s like complaining that real cops didn’t dress like Don Johnson on Miami Vice.
ETC
Click is down to number three, followed by Cars at number four and Nacho Libre at number five.
FOR THE JOYLESS AMONGST YOU
The Lake House actually holds at number six and it’s easy to see why. If you’re an adult and you’re dating another adult, and you’re both relatively humorless fuckers, not nearly as smart as you think and lacking in even the tiniest bit of a child’s wonderment in your soul, what the hell else are you going to see?
BEATS THE HELL OUT OF RACING IN RHODE ISLAND
The Fast & The Furious: Tokyo Drift is down to number seven and it’s telling that the most prominent thing in the poster for this film is the car. The studio isn’t pretending for a second that the no-name cast matters for a second. So where are we going next? The Fast & The Furious: Shanghai Slide? The Fast & The Furious: New Delhi Drag? The Fast & The Furious: Moscow Muscle? The Fast & The Furious: Berlin Burn? But in each we’ll have a young American racer, sometimes a good kid, sometimes a rebel and his guide to the local scene will either be another American coincidentally there or a local who wants to be an American making us all laugh with his accented English and love of hip-hop. And, of course, the hot girl and the bad guy will be locals, but in one instance the bad guy will be hot girl redeemed by the hero’s penis (probably Moscow Muscle because a bad girl Russian with that accent is kinda hot).
IF HE WERE THE LEAD, IT’D BE CALLED “WAIST HIGH”
Waist Deep is down to number eight and do we feel pity for Larenz Tate was the Young Black Male dujour a few years ago and is now supporting guys like Tyrese Gibson (hint: Tom Cruise notwithstanding, it helps to be over 5’2” if you want to be a leading man) or do congratulate him on still being able to work consistently, actually managing to be in two Oscar winning films, Ray and Crash over two years? Better to rule in hell and all that?
THE GOLDEN CHILD’S FIRST MIRACLE: GIVING JEN A HIT
The Break-Up is down to number nine, but breaking $100M and you’d think for the first time Jennifer Anniston can claim some credit for a successful film, but I can’t think this movie would have done as well if not for the “Golden Child” Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie had at the same time. Sorry, but it kept her and this freaking movie in the public eye longer than just banging her co-star would have. It’s gonna take her next movie to prove it to me.
RIGHT NOW THE SUPERMAN PEOPLE ARE HOPING THE JESUS IMAGERY PISSES SOMEONE OFF
Finally, The holiday weekend allows The Da Vinci code to hold on longer than it probably should have, holding at number ten but finally breaking $200M in the US and it’s up to $495M overseas. Me, I’d send the Catholic Church a nice little donation as gesture of thanks, because if the hadn’t gotten their panties in a wad over this, it would not have done as well.
HE’S NOT UGLIER---THOUGH I DON’T KNOW HOW THAT’D BE POSSIBLE
It was a geek-a-riffic Wednesday, because not only did Superman Returns open, but the trailer for Spider-man 3 was before it and Blade The Series started on Spike. They stumble right out of the gate by casting Kirk Jones as Blade. He’s best known as “Sticky Fingaz” of the group Onyx, both of whom are better know from simply having been in Onyx rather than anything Onyx actually did. Believe it or not, Wesley Snipes is actually a trained actor and that never becomes more apparent than in watching Jones trying to channel him and struggle with English like it’s a second fucking language. Also, Snipes was a trained martial artist and moved with a very fluid grace, something else Jones lacks. Lucky for us, they don’t leave him alone and give him not one, but two co-stars. One is a sarcastic Asian guy who replaces Kris Kristofferson as his tech guy and the other is some girl who used to be on Punk’d and do car commercials. She plays a former Army sergeant back from the war who has a tendency to run around Detroit with her .9mm out (it just got funnier the more read, didn’t it?). Think about some tall, skinny white chick running around Motor City in broad daylight with a glock and you’ll get some idea of the fun of it. That absolutely no one seems to notice is kinda how I think of Detroit and their depiction of it as some kind of hellhole, joins Eight Mile, Assault on Precinct 13 and Narc in that regard. But this is actually another mistake as part of the fun of modern vampires is their sexy underground glamour. In the first Blade film it was appropriately a decadent nighttime LA and in the second Eurotrash. They returned to LA in the third, but forgot to include the sexy glamour and depicted the vampires more as pathetic losers (even with Dracula with them), which was part of the reason that movie failed. This show makes them semi-sexy Eurotrash (the bad guy is blonde, German and English accented and you can’t get more evil than that) and you know you’ve got a good bad guy when you kinda want him to succeed. But no matter how hard they try but there ain’t nothing glamorous about Detroit. Granted, if you’re a vampire and don’t want to be noticed, that’s your place, but it’s not as much fun to watch. In a summer of geek disappointment, this isn’t a must see, but if I remember it’s on, I will take a look (and because it’s on Spike they have more freedom with violence and language), especially since they mention in the pilot episode that there is a “House of Lycan” which is werewolves, so you’re also going to get a little Underworld in here as well.
DON’T MESS WITH JIM
I’ve got a problem. A big problem. An empanada problem. I’m trying to limit eating them to the weekends or the days I actually go to the gym, but when I go, I call first and they always have a problem with my name. This became annoying because I was going so much, so I decided to go with a one syllable name: Jim (in honor of James T. Kirk, the only true captain of the Enterprise). This was fine until one girl who worked there apparently came to know me, so when I showed up she said, “You’re not Jim. You’re Vincent.” Even worse, the next time I went in she was also there and when she gave me my food, smiled and said, “Here you go…Jim.” Then another girl somehow changes Jim into “James” which is technically correct, but damn! I picked that name so it wouldn’t be a problem! Finally, I go this weekend. A guy is answering the phone. I use Jim again, but when I show up I mistakenly say “Jack” first. When I’m leaving he smiles and says, “Your name isn’t Jim, is it?” These people have gone too far! I give them my money, sacrificing my body and my health and all they do is mock me. You know, when I was in the wine store every week clearing out their sale bin of $8 chardonnay, they didn’t remember me. Okay, so they did, but there was no smiling. I guess people just have more respect for an alcohol problem than a food problem.
THIS ONE’S THE CHARM, I SWEAR
Oh, did I mention I bought then sold on eBay a Playstation 2…for the third time!?! No? Oh, well. I like to think of this as growth somehow.