IN THEIR VERSION JOE NAMATH DOESN’T DRINK EITHER
Invincible opens at number one and this briefly crossed my mind, but I decided to stay home and watch real football because I simply cannot abide another “based on a true story” sports movie from Disney. They do one for practically every sport all year round and I’m just tired of it because it’s the same clichés over and over again, with no real grit. I’ve heard athletes fuck groupies and party, which are kinda the reasons you want to be a sports star, but you’d never know it from a Disney movie. No, they’re all there for the love of the game. Never mind in real life two of the best receivers in the game are two of the biggest assholes in the game and one is literally fucking crazy. Pay no attention to the paternity suits that are so much a part of the game they now teach rookies in training camp to make sure to use only their own condoms and dispose of them personally, because yes, groupies will either punch holes in them or freeze them to get pregnant. Nope. None of this exists in Disney ball.
WONDER BREAD ONLY GETS YOU SO FAR
Talladega Nights: The Ballad of Ricky Bobby holds at number two and while in theory this should be a huge hit, in reality, it cost $72.5M to make, so at this point is only a little better than broken even. And while they obviously sold a crap load of product placement that probably just takes off prints and advertising, so it’s still a ways to go to reach the magical 3x mark needed for real profit.
NO BEER SPONSORS? I CAN’T IMAGINE WHY.
Little Miss Sunshine opens wide and rises to number three, followed by Beerfest opening at number four and I had such high hopes for this. Not to say, I didn’t laugh, but this is still a long way away from Broken Lizard’s Super Troopers. They’ve never regained the focus they had with their first film. Club Dread was a failure from the word go. Who the fuck wants to see a comedy where everyone gets killed? Then they went for the easy money and made Dukes of Hazzard. This however, was hopefully a return to the irreverent humor of the first, but alas, it fails too in the most basic and obvious manner, you can’t imagine how anyone didn’t notice it even at the script level. Two brothers find out that they’re actually related to the German beer-drinking champions of the world during a secret competition held during Oktoberfest known as Beerfest. They are humiliated and vow to build a team and return to take the title. Now, do you really need to go to film school or work with an improv troupe to know this movie is 90 minutes? Thirty minutes for the set up, thirty minutes for the training, thirty minutes for the Beerfest competition itself, with no shortage of tasteless jokes about the various nationalities present for the Beerfest, especially the Germans. They get the set up part right. We start off on a high point with one brother in a drinking competition where he’s about to be beaten up by the guys who just lost to him. To tell you the resolution would kill the joke, but it was worthy of Super Troopers. Things stumble, however, in the training for Beerfest, which actually should have been maybe 15 minutes as they find their team and then a silly montage of training. Oh, no. It’s at least forty minutes of them back in the US and the final Beerfest competition takes maybe 15 minutes. And in a movie with endless jokes about Germans, there’s not one Nazi reference and NO JOKES ABOUT THE FRENCH! They don’t even show up. John Cleese would spit in their faces over this oversight. Given that an international competition would give you a shot and everyone on the globe, there’s a shocking lack of an international presence in this. You have Mexico (don’t hold your breath for Mexican jokes either) but no Italy, Russia (no strangers to the drink) no Japan (also no strangers to drinking) and every joke you see with the Swedish female drinking team in the trailer and the commercial IS NOT IN THE MOVIE. Yes, an entire team is cut from the film, but we’ve got an extended sequence where one of the guy gets drunk and sleeps with Mo’Nique. Yes, instead of attractive blondes with accents you get…Mo’Nique. Watching this is like eating a cheeseburger cooked medium when you ordered it well done; you can still eat it, but you’re always aware it’s not made right.
SO TASTING SHIT IS BETTER THAN TASTING DICK?
Accepted holds at number five and this guy is obviously in Dodgeball and has anyone noticed they run different versions on cable. One version is missing where the cheerleader announces she’s not wearing panties, the sex scene with the weird scary Russian chick, the threeway kiss and has “hump a doorknob” rather than “fuck a doorknob” and “poopie-flavored lollypop” instead of “cock-flavored lollypop.” What the fuck? You’re paying for fucking cable so where do they get off showing you edited bullshit?
DANCING ALL THE WAY TO THE BANK
World Trade Center is down to number six, followed by Step Up at number seven and the future of dance movies for teenage girls is secure, as this only cost $12M. Yeah, it’s made FOUR TIMES ITS BUDGET! Bear in mind this guy who wrote this also wrote Save The Last Dance, so he obviously knows his shit, no matter how stupid the rest of us think it is. Also, the director is a choreographer who got Alan Paker’s cinematographer from Fame because she said Fame looked real. Which part? When they were dancing on the cab or when poor Coco got turned out? But isn’t “Out Here On My Own” a great song?
IF YOU LOOK A BIT CLOSER YOU’LL SEE YOUR MOVIES REALLY SMELL LIKE DOO-DOO…
Idlewild opens at number eight and this has “colossal mistake” written all over it. I’m sorry, but who thinks of Outkast and thinks, “Hey, how about a period musical?” In other words, someone thought Prince’s “Under The Cherry Moon” where he, a musician, decided to make a movie WITH NO FUCKING MUSIC, wasn’t such a bad idea after all. Or was really entranced with Eddie Murphy’s brilliant idea to write and direct Harlem Night, another period piece of shit. Here’s a thought: MAKE A MOVIE ABOUT WHAT YOU FUCKING KNOW! An Outkast movie should have been about two guys who succeed at hip-hop only to be driven apart by their success. Even now, they snipe at each other in interviews and before this album Andre 3000 thought it would have been great if they’d ended Outkast after The Love Below and go out on top. Based on the two tracks I’ve heard from it (one from each) that was probably the way to go. And what’s the irony of Terrance Howard having an Oscar nomination for playing a rapper doing this where he’s yet another supporting bad guy for two real rappers? Quick! In what other ill-fated music movie did he also play a supporting bad guy? Yes, Glitter. What do you think was going through Ben Vereen’s mind as he made this? “Hey, I’ll do something my grandkids think is cool, because ‘I’m a Tony winner who worked with Fosse’ isn’t quite doing it.” I ‘m sure it sounded cool two years ago when they started filming, but now it was obviously not on the top of anyone’s list to see. Apparently now he’s also giving advice to Usher who’s now on Broadway in Chicago (apparently Robin Givens and Mrs. Tom Hanks didn’t make the box office pop like the producers thought it would), so he’s going to get those kids to respect him or die trying.
THOUGH HER MOVIE RESUME LOOKS LIKE SHE THINKS THEY’RE ALL JOKES
Snakes on a Plane drops like a rock to number nine this week and also in this was Juliana Margulies who also was in on the joke as well and while they hint at a flirtation with Samuel L. Jackson, he’s one of the actors I never, ever want to see in a love scene, much less with someone I adore like her. Yes, Gregory Hines was my proxy brutha with both Debra Messing and Annette O’Toole, but watching Sam hook up with my minor fave, young-Shirley-McClaine-lookalike Ann Magnuson, in The Caveman’s Valentine was something I’d like to forget. Even when Geena Davis kissed him in The Long Kiss Goodnight I thought “Ew.” (okay, I’m now realizing that all these women are redheads making me realize a good portion of my life has actually been a sad, sad ethnic cliché). Besides you’d have to have him curse there too. One of those music-filled scenes would just be crap. A Samuel L. Jackson sex scene would have to have “I want your muthafuckin’ hands on my muthafuckin’ nuts” or and I simply do not want to picture Juliana Margulies doing that.
THIS IS THE END, MY FRIEND, THE END
Finally, Barnyard: The Original Party Animals closes out the top ten at number ten and a grateful nation can finally breathe easy.
YOU THINK KATIE HOLMES IS NOW DEMANDING CASH UP FRONT?
Okay, so how much fun was it watching Tom Cruise essentially get fired by Sumner Redstone? But don’t kid yourself about it being his behavior. It’s about money, period. If Mission Impossible 3 had made Pirates of the Caribbean money ($929M worldwide and the next one may be more because it’s got Chow Yun Fat in it, basically giving you an billion Chinese instantly), he could have sacrificed his baby to his alien god on the Paramount lot and no one would have said “boo” to him. The real reason is they were fighting over money and Viacom caught wind that Cruise was secretly shopping around to other studios (which, to be honest, is what you’re supposed to do and everyone knows it). I mean, it’s not like Sumner Redstone actually has a soul or anything. And don’t think someone else won’t take him once this insanity about financing your own movies passes (Steven Spielberg once met John Ford who told him “never make a film with your own money”). Like Terrell Owens, there’s always still someone who thinks they can make money off your crazy ass.
NEXT TIME ON SURVIVOR: CHRISTIANS VS MUSLIMS VS JEWS VS BUDDHISTS
I’ve never watched Survivor and I never will, but I love this idea that the new season will have groups divided by race. It’s brilliant and not the race baiting some would have you believe. The simple fact is, people are different, not because of race, but because race is usually indication of a separate culture as well. It’s not bigotry to say an Irish American household is different than an Italian American household, so why is it to say that an Asian American household is different from an African-American household (for the record, I prefer Black)? My only problem is the unequivocal use of “White” for the reasons I just mentioned. It should have specifically been WASPs. That way you can set up future contests between the Irish, the Italians, the Germans, the French, etc. I think what pisses off Councilman Liu (who is so gunning to be the first Asian mayor of New York it’s not even funny; I never stop seeing this guy on TV) is that he knows the Asians are going to fulfill every stereotype and be hardworking and win. I’m sorry, but of all the stereotypes to be ashamed of, that’s the least of them. Would you rather Black or Hispanic and secretly be terrified be your group will simply be too lazy to win? And the Asians will win. Sorry, but like culture of the French and the Italians, the culture of Hispanics and Black isn’t, quite frankly, about goals. Basically, we enjoy the journey more than the destination. And Asian cultures, like the Germans and occasionally the Brits are more about getting to where you’re going as efficiently as possible. Hell, if they thought seeing the countryside would slow them down, they’d probably remove all windows from trains and planes and no one in England, Germany or most of Asia would complain. So yes, it’s gonna come down to the White people versus the Asians and the Asians will win. Mainly because the Hispanics and the Blacks will realize they’re on a beach and have a party. The White people will do what they see Black people doing and do it too because they think it’s cool (the first White guy to do so will instantly reveal himself as the Jewish one), thus sealing Asian victory. When they do Americans, Germans, Italians and French it will be a similar result. The French will look down on the competition entirely; The Italians will have good time; The Americans will initially be ultra-competitive, but will get bored quickly, thus sealing a German victory.
THEY’RE NOW MAKING CHEAP CARTOONS IN HEAVEN
Tony Jay also died and though you may not know the name, you know the voice. He was everything from the voice of God in Time Bandits (though Ralph Richardson played him in person) to Galactus in the Fantastic Four animated series in the 90’s to narrating an episode of the Teen Titans recently. And a whole lot of geeky shit in between, including being on Star Trek The Next Generation, Adventures of Brisco County Jr, Twin Peaks and Lois & Clark. It was technically complications from cancer surgery, but he was 73 after all.
THE FIRST STEP IS ADMITTING THERE’S A PROBLEM.
I’ve just acquired Captain America figure number 8 and Superman figure number 20. Someone help me. Please.
08/22/06
There’s some debate on whether or not Thursday night preview returns should count. Since when don’t they? This means opening at number one is the long awaited SNAKES ON A PLANE. Or as I like to call it, MUTHAFUCKIN’ SNAKES ON A MUTHAFUCKING PLANE. Twenty or thirty years ago, this would have been pure B-movie, drive-in, exploitation fun and it still is. Trust me: no director looking for A-list respect going to have snakes biting a) a man’s penis, b) and woman’s naked breast, or c) someone’s eyeball, all of which occurs in Snakes On A Plane. And like any good B-movie, the ridiculousness starts early. A guy has seen a crime lord murder a prosecutor in Hawaii and Samuel L. Jackson is now taking him back to LA because both the crime lord and prosecutor were from LA. BUT HE MURDERED HIM IN HAWAII! Yes, that’s the kind of logic that has no place in a movie like this. And you’ve got your stock characters. See if you can tell who’s going to be snake fodder and who lives to see the final real: Courageous Flight Attendant On Her Last Flight, Sexy Flight Attendant, Flaming Flight Attendant, Middle Aged Flight Attendant, Minority Mother With Baby; Rude Old Rich White Guy; Hot Young Blonde; Hot Young Blonde’s Annoying Dog; Germ Freak Rapper; Germ Freak Rapper’s Comic Relief Sidekicks; Two Little Boys; Honeymooning Couple Where The Husband Hates To Fly; Fat Woman; Couple That Just Can’t Wait To Fuck; Asian Martial Arts Dude; Kindly Old Pilot; Sexual Harassment Co-Pilot; Samuel L. Jackson’s Partner. Okay, that last one is a gimme. Of course his partner is going to die. That’s in any movie but Miami Vice (and technically, Crockett’s partner died so Tubbs could become his partner). But you know one of those people is an obvious red herring; too sympathetic to die, but just deserving of life enough to make their deaths “edgy” and you know it the moment a certain piece of dialogue passes their lips. Another is so obviously deserving of death it’s surprising when they actually survive. I enjoyed this for the unashamed piece of junk food entertainment it is. If anything I was disappointed it didn’t go further. We see the crime lord practicing martial arts, we see Asian Martial Arts Dude on the plane. A serious B movie would have found a way to justify them facing off. On the plane. With snakes all around them. Then maybe this would have done better. Also, Samuel L. Jackson simply doesn’t curse enough. They should have gone back and overlayed everyone’s dialogue with additional “fucks.” Even the kids. So after all the hype, why didn’t it do better? Because it would actually be anti-climatic to see it. I almost didn’t see myself for that very reason. As it too often happens with sex, the real fun is in the build up and imagining what it will be like. The real thing can rarely live up to that, so why bother (very few prom queens are double-jointed bisexuals, so let it go).
THOUGH SHE WORKS LESS TO BE SO PRETTY
Talladega Nights: Ballad of Ricky Bobby holds at number one and also in this is Leslie Bibb who is best known to some as Brooke McQueen from the underrated “died before its time” show, Popular, whose blonde vs brunette conceit became much, much more as time passed. By the end, the show just flat out became a satire, climaxing with an appearance by Erik Estrada. It kinda had to. When the “unpopular” brunette girl (Carly Pope) is in fact prettier than the “popular” blonde, you’ve got a story problem, as everyone knows, hotness overcomes pretty much everything else.
IF I SEE THIS, THEN OLVIER STONE WINS
World Trade Center holds at number three and so does my resolve not to see it.
HAVING GONE TO COLLEGE, I CAN SPEAK ON DUMB SHIT WITH AUTHORITY
Accepted opens at number three and even for a stupid comedy this is stupid. You can’t fake a college. It dies for me right there. You can fake an acceptance then take your parents’ money and go off to Cabo, but why on earth would you build a fake college? This is crap from the word “go.” And though it may seem odd for such an obvious geek as myself, I simply do not like movies where geeks get the hot girl. Especially when there’s a decent geek girl right next to him as there is in this. God forbid we show a geek girl gettin’ her swerve on. Granted, I’ve ignored geek girls next to me, but at least the object of my desire wasn’t simply the willow blonde prom queen. No, she was utterly fucking crazy, which is what sets me apart. And what’s with this inspirational shit? A good slob comedy isn’t about anything more than laughs. If you’re faking a college, then don’t turn around the third act and plead the relevancy of your fake college the way they show in the commercials. Did he learn nothing from Vince Vaughn and Ben Stiller? Even when they supported being different in Dogeball, they mocked it too.
MAKE A CAR PAYMENT, LEARN TO TANGO. IT’S WIN/WIN!
Step Up is down to number five and what the fuck is Rachel Griffiths doing in this? Did she lose a bet with someone? Did they promise her free dance lessons? I know why Heavy D is here (and frankly lucky to be), but Rachel Griffiths? After Six Feet Under ended, did she just say, “I’ve had enough of the heavy. Get me something stupid and effortless that pays.”
AND THE OLD GEEK JUST GETS ANGRIER AS HE GETS OLDER
Barnyard: The Original Party Animals is down to number six, followed by Little Miss Sunshine entering the top ten at number seven and I refuse to see this precious piece of fucking indie. It’s so fucking indie precious, designed that way from jump street. It’s not simply enough to be a satire of child beauty pageants. No, we need an uncle, who isn’t just gay, but gay and suicidal. And the foremost authority on Proust. Who loses his lover to the other foremost authority on Proust. See, that’s precious indie bullshit. Grandfather doesn’t just disapprove of his gay son, granddad also has a heroin problem. And so on… Sorry, but two years of seeing indie films for my review gig has killed my tolerance for indie film. It’s not longer the home for original thoughts. It’s the home for pretentious film school assholes whose think their every fart deserves to captured on film---but only in an ironic fashion since they don’t want you thinking they really believe their farts are that important (even though they really do).
FUNNY HOW NO ONE MADONNA LIKES IS USING HER STUFF
Pirates of the Caribbean: Dead Man’s Chest is down to number eight, followed by Material Girls at number nine, the movie Hillary Duff was forced to make by her parents so her sister could have the illusion she’s in show business. Honey, there’s a seat waiting for you at the Frank Stallone/Dee Dee Pfeiffer table. Just take it already, since you’re too good to just make $100K a year working as your sister’s personal assistant like all other untalented siblings (you know there’s a third Wilson sister who works for Heart, right?). And to show you that men are all the same no matter they pretend to be (let’s call this the Jared Leto Award), Hillary’s boyfriend from Good Charlotte started dating her when she was 16 and his twin brother is also banging another girl yet to turn legal. Yes, it’s all bullshit posing, because the last thing they want is another tattooed pierced girl. They want apple pie girl next door just like the guys they don’t want to be mistaken for. But you can count the seconds until this is over, because while she’s maturing, he obviously is not and god knows Good Charlotte is going to sitting next to Sum 41 next year realizing ripping off Green Day doesn’t work when Green Day actually comes back with relevancy you sorely lack.
THAT LATIN GUY AND THAT ASIAN GUY
Finally, Pulse closes out the top ten at number ten and also in this is that Spanish kid with the big fro. You know him. He was in Coach Carter, Biker Boyz, Roll Bounce, Old School…yeah, you know who I’m talking about. He should make a movie with that Asian kid who acts Black who’s also in every other movie and even ringtone commercials. You know him. He was also in Bike Boyz, Love Don’t Cost A Thing, Take the Lead, episodes of Moesha…yeah, you know who I’m talking about. These guys are to Young Black actors what Young Black Actors are to Young White Actors.
SUBMITTED FOR YOUR APPROVAL
Not breaking the top ten is The Illusionist, the first of this year’s period magician movies (the next one is The Prestige, which stars Christian Bale and Hugh Jackman, so get ready for Wolverine vs. Batman comments in every review) and purports to be the “art” film one. Well, not quite. This is the kind of thing Rod Sterling could have told in less than an hour on his Night Gallery show. The story of another time where a bright man with abilities faces off against bullying powers-that-be---much to the later regret of bullying powers-that-be. This movie takes almost two hours and suffers for it (ironically, it’s based on a short story). It’s simply not original or deep enough to warrant the time. The story is told in flashback from the point of view of the Chief Inspector (Paul Giametti, not quite a sad sack this time, but the role still allows him a little self-loathing and self pity), caught between a Crown Prince (Rufus Sewell once again our bad guy because those eyes were always a bit too scary to be the romantic lead) he fears and needs for advancement and an illusionist he admires (Ed Norton). And then there’s the girl, Jessica Biel, climbing out from the wreckage of Stealth and making a more modest grasp at the brass ring, doing a minor European accent better than Winona Ryder ever did. Ed Norton is a good actor to watch, but as time passes it’s harder and harder to separate his pretentious prick nature from his roles. That he can still do it tells you how good he is. Again, if you’ve ever seen Night Gallery, you know where this story is going and there are no surprises in the end. Only that it takes too long to get there.
HE’S REALLY GONNA SEE DEAD PEOPLE
Bruno Kirby, Young Fat Clemenza himself passed away. He wasn’t even sixty. Leukemia. Damn. You know you’ve had a career when everyone from Robert DeNiro to Billy Crystal to Mark Walberg (he was on entourage this year) will turn up for your funeral And Mike Douglas died too. You kids don’t know who he is, but he was a talk show host during the day, but not in the morning. Yeah, what a concept. I still remember when Lisa Bonet was on the show back when The Cosby Show first appeared and he asked the stupid question, “You’re an interesting racial mix, aren’t you?” That idiocy aside, he was very good at his job for a long time and everyone who was anyone appeared on his show, from Barbara Stanwyck to a 9-year-old Michael Jackson. You may have even seen the John Lennon appearances on his show on VH1. Then there’s the time Sly Stone showed up so fucked up he forgot the words to his own song. And Haley Joel Osmont almost met death, driving drunk and with drugs and broke a rib. You know his agent sent Mel Gibson some flowers, because it was completely overlooked.
OBVIOUSLY I’M LOSING BRAIN CELLS DAILY
I don’t know why, but I like that Old Navy commercial where they’re all jumping on each other as they float through the air. And I liked the other one where the song is “She’s my summertime girlfriend…” Whoever is handling Old Navy should get a raise, because when even I like you, you’re doing good work.
BET YOU DIDN’T KNOW THE NURSERY RYHME WAS DIRTY, DID YOU?
Because I’m old, I simply cannot understand why Fergie’s “London Bridge” is the number one song in America. First of all “Fergie Ferg” Are you fucking kidding me!?! Who didn’t laugh in her face when she said that? Yes, I know she’s down. That movie Anne Hathaway made about rich white girls messing around with Latino thugs? She actually lived it. And then there was her drug problem. She’s real. I get it (she looks like what Carmen Electra would look like after dating criminals and having a drug problem). But a fucking remake of J-Kwon’s “Tipsy” from last summer except it’s about her drawer hittin’ the floor? I guess between this, “Promiscuous” and Jessica Simpson’s unofficial remake of Madonna’s “Holiday” as “Public Affair” (with a little Diana Ross’s “Ain’t No Mountain High Enough” thrown in), it’s all about girls gettin’ theirs this summer. And how old does Eva Longoria look in that video? Honey, you’re the young hot one on Desperate Housewives only because everyone else is 40! Out amongst the 20-somethings, you’re looking like you came to pick up your kid. Same for you, Christina Applegate. But can we pity poor Christina Milan? The closest she gets to number one is in someone else’s video? She had an album out this summer too, you know. Or more accurately, you don’t know. Jessica Simpson should have just remade “Holiday.” That way Madonna would have probably shown up to be in the video and then she could have a the hat trick of young, blonde pop stars (Britney, Christina, Jessica), because it’s not like she’d ever miss out on a chance to latch on to someone young and famous---like she used to be.
NIGHTMARE ON GEEK STREET
What’s a geek’s worst nightmare? A) the woman of your desires actually agreeing to have sex with you? B) being trapped on a desert island with a personal trainer and only healthy food? C) Coming home in a rainstorm to find your closet filled with nearly 5,000 comic books is so filled with water you have to mop it out? If you guessed “C” welcome to my life. Granted it’s happened before but I tried to fix it and was reminded why I’m not a real man, because a real man can fix a leak in the ceiling. Of course, I was a little surprised to see the water flowing directly down the freaking light bulb, but still… So I had to empty the 15 boxes of comics and virtually everything else out of my closet to mop it up, so now my tiny cluttered room is even tinier and more cluttered than before. Times like this it’s very good that I don’t date because even the most geek tolerant woman is not putting up with this. Bad enough 18 Superman figures, 4 Batman, 5 Robin, 7 Wonder Woman, 7 Captain America and at least one Wolverine figure were always watching us have sex (and they do watch you know, shaking their heads in disapproval because a nice girl wouldn’t be doing that). And this has to remain until my landlord rips out the ceiling a bit to see where the water is coming from, fixes it, then patches up the ceiling. He’s replacing what I lost, which is a few storage boxes, a few comics (almost everything is boarded and bagged so only some crap I didn’t care enough about to bag got damaged) and a few posters. I’d actually forgotten I even had posters. I lost eight, but am only replacing four, most specifically, the Betty Blue poster and…The Iron Giant. WE MUST HAVE OUR IRON GIANT! Maybe now I’ll even have them framed, because if they were on the freaking wall, this wouldn’t have happened.
IT’S BEST TO JUST GET THAT FIRST MARRIAGE OUT OF THE WAY IN YOUR 20’S
Finally, speaking of Carmen Electra, your musician husband cheated on you? You don’t say!?! And he’s now dating a porn star? Why I never!?! Sigh. Do these people even meet before they marry? And that other couple, the drummer from Blink 182 and his Barbie doll wife are also getting divorced I’m in a band, you’re a blonde beauty queen who looks like she came out of a blonde factory, let’s get married? I think their maturity level is pretty much indicated by the fact they’re trashing each other on My Space. You’re not an adult if you have a My Space page, period. Have they learned nothing from Bruce Springsteen, who married a pretty redhead pretty much because of that and wound up finding true love with a musician from New Jersey!?! Hello!?! But my favorite because I so despise all involved, is Kate Hudson’s divorce. I guess she finally looked around and wondered, “What’s that smell? It smells like weed, old man and has-been.” And better still, Owen Wilson may be involved. I guess he tossed her salad so well she had a moment of absolute clarity and realized fucking old men was never going to fill the void in her life caused by her inattentive father and that there were lots of younger men out there who’d be happy to have her. Younger men who bathed.
08/14/06
A MAN’S GOT TO KNOW HIS LIMITATIONS
Talladega Nights: Ballad of Rick Bobby holds at number one, pretty much guaranteeing more of this from Will Ferrell, so I hope you fuckers are happy. Ironically, also in this is John C. Reilly, a man who knows damn well his job is to support people in both comedies and dramas. He was specializing in sad sack supporting roles until Paul Giamatti came and showed the only thing better than having an unattractive balding guy to play a sad sack is a short, fat, unattractive, self-loathing balding guy playing a sad sack. It wouldn’t have done Russell Crowe much good in The Cinderella Man to have his manager towering over him, because unlike Russell Crowe, John C. Reilly actually is tall. Trivia alert: this is his second racing movie. He was also in Days of Thunder, which was technically not a comedy, despite the presence of Nicole Kidman as a 24-year-old neurosurgeon.
THE LITTLE GIRLS THEY UNDERSTAND
Step Up opens at number two proving you really cannot underestimate the power of teenage girls and they’re harder to predict than you know. You think if you give them a movie about girls versus a jerk guy they’ll come out in droves? Well, you and the producers of John Tucker Must Die were wrong. Girls want a hot guy they can like. They also like a hot guy who can dance, but still not as well as the female lead, so she’s teaching him, giving her an air of power. Also, don’t make her too thin. Finally, draw upon Norman Mailer’s concept of the “White Negro” (to be truly hip, you have to act black), hence your street dancing janitor is a white guy and put hip hop all over the soundtrack and you’re golden, pony boy. What pisses me off is this succeeds while my precious Center Stage died an unnatural death. Yes, the teenage girl inside me that loves that movie is still angry!
IT THIS TOO SERIOUS FOR A WISE-ASS TITLE?
World Trade Center opens at number three and here’s another movie I’ll never see. Not simply because it’s about 9/11, but because it’s an Oliver Stone film. I don’t like Oliver Stone to begin with, but the only thing worse than Oliver Stone is touchy-feely Oliver Stone. If Oliver Stone is making a 9/11 film that’s liked by right-wing Republicans, you know there’s something wrong in the universe. And it’s PG13? Oh, he’s getting old. This doesn’t mean I want him on the crazy train with Charlie Sheen and those idiots insisting it was a fraud by the Bush and the CIA (like the government that can’t keep the freaking power on is competent enough to pull something like that off), but I expect him to be doing more of what George Clooney was trying to do with Syrianna. I still wouldn’t see it, but at least the man would be honest with himself. But I guess even pretentious, misogynistic assholes still have to pay the rent and god knows Alexander didn’t do that.
BUFFY THE INTREPID REPORTER SIMPLY DOES NOT FLY
Barnyard: The Original Party Animals is down to number four, followed by Pulse opening at number five and someone really needs to tell Kristin Bell that part of the reason Buffy The Vampire Slayer worked is because Sarah Michele Gellar was no prom queen, no matter what they said on the show. You really don’t get that die-hard geek constituency if you’re too pretty, not to mention too blonde and Kristen Bell is both those things. I bring this up because her show Veronica Mars has been constantly compared to Buffy The Vampire Slayer (even Buffy creator Joss Whedon is a fan and quite frankly, so many grown men specializing in teenage girls, makes me a little uncomfortable and it’s actually creepier that it’s non-sexual) and just as Sarah Michelle Gellar remade a successful Japanese horror film with The Grudge, so does Kristen Bell with this---and it’s as proportionally successful as her show. It’s trying to be scary so I’ll never see it and probably the reason even scary fans didn’t see it is because YOU GIVE MOST OF IT AWAY IN THE COMMERCIAL! Remember when Godzilla flopped because they wouldn’t show the monster in anything (they’re still trying to recoup by using footage in Doritos commercials)? Well this is the idiot opposite. Albinos from another dimension aren’t nearly as scary when you realize what they are and you can avoid them simply by not doing your own laundry and logging on with a different name.
IF ONLY THE FLASH COULD TAKE CARE OF TIM ALLEN TOO
Pirates of the Caribbean: Dead Man’s Chest is down to number six, followed by Zoom at number seven, and Fox sued Sony over this, saying it was too much like The X-Men, which is strange because most super-hero stuff can be traced to some other superhero stuff. Granted, The X-Men got extra points for originality for treating superpowers like a curse and they may have genuinely had the first training room like this (and the girl with the telekinetic powers is definitely a rip on Jean Grey), but by my geek knowledge, a fat guy who inflates is Bouncing Boy and guy who turns Invisible is Invisible Kid, both from the Legion of Super-Heroes (geek recap: when they created the whole Smallville universe in the 50’s they also created the idea the Superboy would go into the 30th Century to have adventures with other teenage heroes in the Legion of Super-heroes, who were inspired by him) so where is Warner Brothers and their lawyers? Also, Tim Allen plays a speedster and that’s The Flash, also from DC Comics. Especially since The Flash’s greatest enemy was Professor Zoom, the Reverse Flash (The Flash eventually broke his neck when he tried to kill his second wife after seemingly killing his first, but because it’s comics, she was resurrected). And geek I may be, but I do draw my line in the sand and this and Sky High are it. Especially this because of the odious presence of Tim Allen. Why isn’t he relapsing like Mel Gibson and Robin Williams? It’s not like he’s got anything to do except collect that Home Improvement syndication money. Hey, buddy, why not have a drink and maybe a little blow? And then tell us what you think about the Jews.
EVEN WORSE: PEOPLE WHO SEE EVERYTHING IN TERMS OF RACE
The Descent is down to number eight and while people like me are reading Freud into this, there’s that incredibly annoying group of people who can’t help but see the world in political terms and bring every discussion to a screeching halt by saying everything is political and everything is an indictment of the US Government. Everything. In this case, the reason the girls are in this cave being eaten alive (by albinos from this dimension) is because the lone American lies and leads them into it. Get? Foolhardy American leads Europeans into an unwinnable situation through misinformation? Sigh. This as annoying as when someone pointed out that Obi-Wan had a blue light saber and Darth Vader had a red one. I guess that means in Return of the Jedi, Luke’s green light saber meant he was…Ralph Nader?
HE DIDN’T UPDATE AS MUCH AS YOU THINK
Miami Vice is down to number nine and remember when I said one of the key moments of Miami Vice was the episode where a bank is screwing with law enforcement because they need a loan paid off by drug profits? Well, the gist of that episode was, Crockett & Tubbs had to go undercover for the Feds because their operations were compromised leading to the deaths of agents and only Miami Vice wasn’t included. Well, this movie begins essentially the same. A Federal operation is compromised and only because Miami Vice wasn’t included Crockett & Tubbs have to go in. And like the TV episode, they pull outrageous cowboy shit to solidify their cover. On the TV episode it’s frowned upon, blowing up a drug dealer’s warehouse. In the movie, they could give a shit you steal a drug shipment and blow up the trafficker’s boats. He even wanted to have “In The Air Tonight” before the final gunfight, but was talked out of it. Sadly, Michael Mann’s humorless update of his old show is less than successful. Rumored to have cost up to $180M, it’s only made about $64M worldwide. It’ll need a shitload of DVD to make up for it. Well, I’m buying mine. Collateral is probably the only Mann film that’s not coming into my house. Not simply because of Tom Cruise but because of how it all falls apart in the third act.
BECAUSE TRUE EVIL NEVER DIES
Monster Island closes out the top ten at number ten and hopefully this will reduce the number of computer-animated films that will be released…in three years. Yeah, it’s too late to stop what’s already in the pipeline, so that movie with Ashton Kutcher and Martin Lawrence is coming out and nothing on earth can stop it. Nothing!
UM, SHOULD I STILL BE LAUGHING NOW THAT SHE’S BLEEDING?
My love of Laura Kightlinger is well documented, so I was thrilled to she that she had her own show on IFC, The Minor Accomplishments of Jackie Woodman. Writing, starring and producing and totally uncensored, how could it not be good? While a lot of it is needlessly retreading of LA satire (people are shallow, vapid and only concerned with show business careers? You don’t say!), what saves it is Laura’s dry, sarcastic wit, especially in the second episode in an inspired bit that says Tom Cruise is actually a very good actor because he’s always been playing retarded characters in his movies. Retarded Navy Pilot, Retarded Lawyer, Retarded Pool Shark… I’m sorry, they were funnier ripping him in two minutes than South Park was thirty. And there’s an instant laugh in her partner in crime being Nicole Tom, better known as Maggie from The Nanny. Ten pound heavier (which is good) she’s her best friend, representative and chauffeur because Laura refuses to buy a car. Watching her become seduced by a cult and then doing cocaine until her nose bleeds is especially funny after Nanny reruns earlier in the day. The show also goes dark in a heartbeat as a hip director suddenly turns into an attempted rapist who belts her across the face, leaving her telling jokes with a bloody lip for the rest of the episode. You’re not gonna see that following My Name Is Earl. Her face is a little strange now, though. It looks almost rubbery like she had plastic surgery ten years ago. Thankfully, her relationship with Jack Black ended, so we won’t have to suffer his fat, ham-it-up ass on this anytime soon. Especially since he married and had a kid almost immediately afterwards. Women very rarely appreciate it when you do that shit. Especially after dating them for eight years
NEW MUSIC FOR OLD PEOPLE
Because I’m old, I was delighted to see a new Scritti Politti album last week. Yes, he’s still around. I won’t say “they” because it’s only him. No, he’ll never do anything as great as “Perfect Way” (though my close second is “I Won’t Work That Hard (Not For Love)” because it pretty much reflects my outlook on life) but there’s still at least one pop gem per album (there are a grand total of four Scritti Politti albums over 20 years). David Sylvian (best known to some of you as the lead singer of the group Japan) shows up with frequent collaborator Ryuichi Sakamoto on Sakamoto’s latest album with the track “World Citizen” and it’s a less-than-subtle rant against the evil in the world, but they still work very well together. “Forbidden Colors” is perhaps his best song ever and is a Sakamoto collaboration. Likewise, “Heartbeat” may be Sakamoto’s best and is Sylvian collaboration. And this is for the really old people: Ryuichi was a member of Yellow Magic Orchestra, who did “Computer Games” which is still being sampled by hip-hop producers. And if you want trivia, Sylvian married Ingrid Chavez, who was in Prince’s “Graffiti Bridge” and co-wrote “Justify My Love” with Lenny Kravitz.
NUDE = ART. NAKED = PORN.
What differentiates naked women in art books on my shelf from the porn on my shelf? Well, talent if you must know. Peter Gorman is a great photographer, who makes the tattooed and pierced East Village chicks I see all the time suddenly sexier on the page than they are in person. Well, I guess being naked and not talking about some hipster bullshit does help. Also, not having your painfully skinny, equally annoying, hipster musician boyfriend on your arm. His first book “Naked in Apartment 7” is still kind of my favorite because it’s all black & white and they’re all dancers (his posting at NYU yielded few responses which still makes me laugh). After that he moved to color for “Naked Rooms” (which tells you in the forward that it’s women from all walks of life this time) and also for his latest “Stripped Naked” which I just got. But I understand why. Now the environment of the subjects matters because almost all the photos are taking in their own homes. Color helps flesh that out more, letting you know more of who they are. Truly making them “naked” before the camera. What? I did go to college, muthafucka. We had art classes there. Damn.
‘CAUSE I SAID SO
Brick, my favorite movie of 2006 just came out on DVD. Go buy it you, fuckers. It’s great. But you also have to see, The Big Sleep and The Maltese Falcon to really get it. Maybe Double Indemnity too, but only for one particular line.
WE ARE FAMILY/I CAN GET OUT OF JAIL FOR FREE!
So my favorite cousin from childhood came to town last week and we went out for dinner. She’s an attorney for the Justice Department and part of a group that goes around the country making evaluations on other offices in the Justice Department. Years ago, I was supposed to go to law school and join her. I think we know how that turned out. She wanted to go to Harlem so I called Around The Way girl for advice. She actually no longer lives around the way, but in Harlem. She gave me a few ideas, but thankfully could not join us. Not that I don’t like her, but I cannot have someone both Black and pretty meet anyone in my family. I’d never hear the end of it. I’d get calls from home within the week because my cousin would spread it within a day. Instead we got to talk about how her youngest son turned her into a grandmother after just being at college for literally thirty days. Yeah, it’s funny to hear when it’s not you. Bear in mind his grandmother, my aunt, WORKS AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD! AND GAVE HIM 100 CONDOMS BEFORE HE LEFT! What did he do with them? Sold them. After all, it was pure profit. Do I really need to tell you he’s a football player? No, I don’t. We had dinner at The River Room Restaurant on 145th and the Hudson River, inside Riverbank State Park. It was absolutely beautiful and if I dated, it’s where I would definitely go. Around the Way Girl warned me that the sad stereotype of bruthas holds true: your service would be slow. But it wasn’t really (the management has changed since she was there). The only thing that stood out to me was that we were actually told the price of the specials. Know why? Because bruthas kept asking, that’s why. We were supposed to hear a little jazz after dinner, but the music at Lenox Lounge stopped at 11:00. What the fuck kind of jazz clubs stops the music at 11:00!?! Hell, a real jazz musician is late for his 11:00 gig because he’s buying heroin in the Bronx! What the fuck has happened!?! What kind of musician says, “Fellas, we gotta end this at 11:00. I have to get up in the morning.” This is why jazz is dead.
I AM SOMEBODY! IN A VERY ROUNDABOUT WAY.
Finally, remember when I mentioned I’d made a short film a few years back and one of the actresses, Stephanie Szostak, in it turned up in a film I saw at the Tribeca Film Festival? Well, she was also in The Devil Wears Prada and I didn’t even realize it. She has a pretty decent role too, as Meryl Streep’s rival for her position. You know what this means, right? I’m now one degree removed from Meryl Streep!
08/7/06
I’D SOONER SEE STROKER ACE II. ACTUALLY I’D LIKE TO SEE IT ANYWAY.
Talladega Nights: The Ballad of Ricky Bobby opens at number one and despite this my position remains the same: Will Ferrell is just not a lead to me and I thought the rest of the world agreed, given how Bewitched and Kicking & Screaming tanked, but as it turns out, Anchorman was a big hit, making $89M with budget of $25M. Who the fuck are you people who did that!?! I couldn’t even make it through that movie on cable. Well, Will Ferrell and the director have reunited to do this and you people have done it again. I briefly considered this, as Burt Reynolds’s racing movies are a guilty pleasure of mine, but I balked at the running time of 110 minutes. I’m sorry, but this a one-joke movie: Ricky Bobby is dumb. That does not hold up for almost two hours. Again, he needs a straight man. Someone to dilute this stream of pure idiocy he provides. He works best with someone standing next to him with a look of “What the fuck!?!” or “Why is this happening to me?” And Luke Wilson obviously needs someone to play off him, because Uma Thurman obviously couldn’t do it.
BEEF. IT’S WHAT’S FOR DINNER.
Barnyard: The Original Party Animals opens at number two and we have now entered a computer animation, funny animal glut and this comes from the most mediocre of talents, Steve Odekirk the guy who does all those “thumb” movies. You know, Bat-thumb, Blair Thumb, Thumb Wars… Yeah, a real talent. Yes, he got lucky with writing The Nutty Professor, but then he also did Nutty Professor 2, Ace Ventura 2 and yes, Patch Adams, so his basic tendency is to suck out loud. He’s also an idiot. He didn’t care that cows can’t be male. He thought it was funny and that was enough. And, as always, let’s run down the vocal talent of and see who’s slumming and who needed a check: Courtney Cox, Andie McDowell, Sam Elliot (who ironically the voice of beef commercials), Wanda Sykes, Kevin James and Danny Glover.
NO SUCH THING AS TOO MUCH RATNER BASHING.
Pirates of the Caribbean: Dead Man Chest is down to number three, followed by Miami Vice at number four and in both is Naomie Harris, who is basically Thandie Newton 2.0, but she’s done more in one summer than Thandie has done in the 12 years since she appeared on the scene (Interview With A Vampire, 1994). Gee, you mean to say working with fucking Brett Ratner in After the Sunset did nothing for her career after 28 Days Later gave her some heat? I’d never have guessed. She does a decent, if unsteady Bronx accent in Miami Vice, but she’s a scene-stealer in POC. Also in Miami Vice and making her second try at Hollywood is Gong Li as the Chinese-Cuban mistress and second-in-command of the drug lord (her first try was Memoirs of a Geisha and she was the best thing about it). Sadly, she’s pretty much hobbled by her accent. As an Asian female, it’s hard enough to begin to make it as anything other than daughter of the martial arts master, but if you can’t speak passable English, then there’s not much we can do with you (Antonio Banderas being the exception to that rule). Especially when you’re not showing the two things that made you famous. Oh, stop it! Stop pretending Gong Li isn’t a huge star in Asian because she’s over 5’5” and has big boobs. You’re just lying to yourself and others.
FREUD WOULD ALSO POINT OUT THAT “DESCENT” MEANS “GOING DOWN”
The Descent opens at number five and as you all know, I don’t do the scary, especially when it’s apparently well-done scary as the reviews of this seem to indicate. And didn’t we just do people being eaten by monsters in caves a little while ago? As I’ve grown older, I lost my taste for watching innocent people being devoured while in terror. I’m just too emphatic. While watching a few minutes of Scream a few years back I had to wonder, who thought it was entertaining watching Drew Barrymore terrified then stabbed and dragged along still alive, crying while clutching her bloody stomach, to eventually being hung? Annoying teenagers, fine. Soldiers, fine. Scientists screwing around with nature, fine. But just innocent people being slaughtered is no longer fun for me. So aside from general principle of no scary, watching a bunch of young women being eaten alive by mutant cavemen is simply not happening. Oh, and let’s give Freud a call, because if you don’t see a psycho-sexual component to being inside a “cave” then attacked by “milky white male things” then you’re simply not paying attention.
QUICK NAME AN ASHANTI SONG! EXACTLY.
John Tucker must die is down to number six and also in this is Ashanti, thus putting another young Black actress out of work as she tries to make career switch, because if Ja Rule’s music career is over, so is hers (he also made the attempt to make movies, but there’s not a high demand for thug hobbits). But let’s face it: she was little more than Aaliyah 2.0, the same way the soon-to-be forgotten Ciara was Aaliyah 3.0 and now we’re on to Aaliyah 4.0 with Rhinana (who’s prettier than all of them).
IRONICALLY, “ANIMATED” MEANS “LIVELY”
Monster House is down to number seven, followed by The Ant Bully at number eight, giving us three computer-animated films in the top ten and none of them doing all that well. No one at Pixar is losing sleep over this crap, even after Cars.
FACE IT: HE PEAKED WITH MORK & MINDY
You, Me and Dupree is down to number nine with The Night Listener opening at number ten and does Robin Williams have more than two speeds? It’s either manic to the point where he’s more annoying than funny or serious to the point of being somnambulistic and this appears to be the latter. Your first clue is that he’s got a beard. Just as Kevin Kline usually plays silly with a mustache and serious clean-shaven, Robin Williams is serious with a beard and silly clean-shaven. And does anyone really care that he’s playing gay? Nope. We only care when pretty people play gay. Am I the only one who remembers when he left his wife for the babysitter (before Jude Law even had pubes)? Or the lawsuit about him giving someone herpes? Also wasting their heat in this are Sandra Oh and Toni Collette and ladies, I know you’re old indie film vets, but given how lucky you both are to have gotten this far with your “unconventional” looks, do you think it’s wise to waste your time doing shit like this? Especially Sandra Oh. You’re on one of the hottest shows in the country. I don’t often say this, but in your off time, you should really take the money and run while you still can before someone says, “Um, isn’t she kinda ugly?” and it all just fades away. I mean, you whored yourself for chump-change on Arliss for years (one of those HBO sitcoms that’s all-but-forgotten). Time to do it for some real cash while you can. But nooooo. You’re here in NYC doing off-Broadway where you play a woman married to a Black guy. That’s soooo different from your day job. And now it’s official. Film, TV, porn and now theater. The Afro-Asian thing is apparently here to stay.
SHE’S MORE MAN THAN I’LL EVER BE
I likes me some Amazons. This comes to mind because I’ve been such a pig recently, even for me. You’d think not going to Empanada Mama for a week was good, right (actually I did go, but they screwed up my order so I took it as a sign and left to get sushi)? Not when you replace it with egg and cheese on a buttered croissant (butter on a croissant is as redundant as it gets) for breakfast (which I normally never eat), visits to McDonalds, cheese on nachos in the summer (which I never do; that’s football season food) and a visit to Paul’s Palace on 2nd & St. Marks for a bacon cheeseburger, which is actually not my favorite burger (I feel bacon is too delicious to be eaten along with anything else). And I’m not even getting into the summer staple of ice cream sandwiches. Yep, we’ve been porking out recently, but it’s coming to an end thanks to a new bad show to watch: Work Out! The incredibly contrived reality show about a gym run by this ripped Amazon lesbian who looks kinda looks like Scarlett Johansson---or what she’d look like in twenty years, with 15 less pounds, chiseled six-pack abs, no boobs, a messy $300 haircut and a taste for crazy pussy. I’m not being facetious. Her girlfriend is fucking nuts, but obviously she’s into to it or they wouldn’t be together. The show is crap, her trainers are a joke (at least the ones they show on TV; she’s got others according her official website and I assume they don’t have man-boobs like these guys) and you can practically see the producers egging them on to do “interesting” things on camera. But I love her lean, mean, Amazonian self. Same way I always loved Sandal Bergman from Conan The Barbarian. Same way I loved Angela Bassett in Strange Days, kicking ass and taking names as she pulls a gun from a stocking on a muscled thigh. Same way I love Gabrielle Reece and Amanda Beard (Olympic Gold medalist, pictured). I’m going to try and use this as motivation for easing up on my mounting fatness. No, it won’t work, but I’m kinda bored with porn now and need other things. God knows Celebrity Fit Club doesn’t move me. I’ve never sat through this show once, but I tried to watch the new episode because Erika Elianak (former Playmate and original Baywatch girl) and Tina Yothers were on it and I was shocked to see what they’d become (well maybe not too shocked, because Erika is an admitted boozer) But I can’t feel sorry for them because they are essentially being paid to get back into shape. They have personal trainers in a controlled environment and at the end of it all is potentially $150K. Some of us have to walk past The Little Pie Company just to get to freaking gym and we have to pay for the privilege! And what the hell is Carnie Wilson doing on this at all? Didn’t she have her stomach stapled then pose for Playboy? And I simply fear for the life of the older guys, especially Ted Lange aka, Isaac from The Love Boat. Death is on tear right now and I’d hate to add him to the list.
THUS UNDOING EACH AND EVERY TRIP TO THE GYM
Speaking of food and porn, since Nigella Lawson’s show no longer runs, I’ve been without a food porn show to watch. I was watching Eat NYC on NYCTV, but it disappeared. Well, it’s back now and even though they could have found a prettier, better dressed (jeans and a neverending series of dull camisole tops like every woman in NYC on a Saturday night), less annoying host (out of all the Asian girls in NYC the best they could do was this Kelly Choi?), it still fills my prurient needs, because technically the food is all accessible to me. Also, she does occasionally provide the orgasmic reaction to good food needed by a host, but not nearly enough. And she’s too skinny (because they’re usually sitting down and eating, I finally realized she was a failed model when she was a head taller than every Asian she ever came in contact with and was just as tall as the male model who appeared on the show). How can you a take a skinny person seriously as the host of a food show? That’s why Nigella Lawson was so great. She was hot, but looked like she never missed a meal and snacked in between them. And because I’m honest, I don’t deny her enormous rack also had something to do with it, but as an accent whore, all it took for me was that upper crust, Oxford-educated, English accent talking about cheese. That she would let melted mozzarella drip down into her mouth was just a truckload of freaking icing on the cake. I think I briefly lost consciousness watching that.
MAD MAX: BEYOND STUPID
Mel Gibson. What more is there to be said? Who didn’t know this man was a drunken, anti-Semitic nutball? Between him and Tom Cruise it’s become a time for 80’s megastars to show their asses and fall from grace. Shit like this makes you appreciate people like Mick Jagger and Paul McCartney so much more. They’ve had just as much success but for twenty years more and have not turned into these freaks. Maybe it’s just an American thing. Is this the real reason Madonna moved to England? Because it was the only way to curb her own encroaching insanity (Kaballah)? I think so, because if I had fame and fortune for even a week, I’d commit such acts against nature my very name would become a euphemism for obscenity and cheerleading might be flat out banned to protect future generations. And maybe a type of cheese (“By presidential order, gouda is now known as ‘The Devil’s Cheese’ and is forbidden in all 50 states due to its use in that horrific crime.”). And who gives a fuck if Rob Schneider doesn’t like you!?! Oh, no! Deuce Bigalow is pissed! You can kiss Lethal Weapon 5 or Mad Max 4 goodbye! This idiot exists only because he apparently has nude pictures of Adam Sandler with a goat and once he gets those back, it’s over.