SEPTEMBER '06 ARCHIVE

SHOULDN’T NATURAL SELECTION HAVE MADE THIS SEQUEL IMPOSSIBLE?

Jackass Number Two opens at number one and don’t insult me for a second by thinking I saw or would ever see this. I personally don’t get it. Watching idiots torture themselves? I find idiots annoying and would prefer never to see them at all, much less pay for the privilege. This movie seems like the precursor to that old joke “What were the redneck’s last words? ‘Hey, watch this!’” Only we don’t get the satisfaction of any of them dying. And I don’t want to think about how their bodies are going to hurt when Father Time comes calling. There’s a price for all this. And chronic pain until death couldn’t happen to a nicer group. I’m no fan of Nicole Richie or even Jessica Simpson (who is at least benign in her stupidity), but even they deserve better than having these idiots talk about jerking off next to them while they were sleeping (Steve-O and Nicole Richie) or having sex with them while they were still married (Bam Margera and Jessica Simpson, so it seems Johnny Knoxville was telling the truth when he said it wasn’t him). His big mouth may cost Jessica Simpson some change in her divorce settlement since it proves she cheated after all. With her taste in men and chronic ability to screw up (see Mayer, John) this girl is going to be a gay icon in no time, ‘cause them boys do so love a woman with a tragic love life (see Garland, Judy; Minnelli, Liza and Taylor, Liz).

I’M GOING TO KICK YOUR ASS TO FIND SPIRITUAL PEACE

Speaking of bodies winding down, Jet Li’s Fearless opens at number two and this is reportedly his last martial arts film, but he’s a bit funny about that, saying he’ll continue to do martial arts in films. Um, then this is the last what then? He’d better be doing martial arts, considering he’s about to make a movie with Jackie Chan (only 15 years too late for the both of them). Apparently Jet Li has a problem with martial arts films always being about revenge. Gee, and after only 20 years and them making him rich and into an international superstar. I find this whole “mea culpa” bullshit that performers do towards what made them famous----be it television, dumb comedies, dumb action movies, silly pop songs, posing nude---disgustingly hypocritical. Pay attention, kids. These are the same people who tell you how great you are, listen to your bad poetry, then fuck you and never call again. But that’s not why I didn’t see this. See, what Jet Li apparently doesn’t realize is that the reason action movies have revenge as a theme is because it’s something people fantasize about regularly but can never have any other way. Martial arts movies especially, because there you get to literally beat your tormentor to death. It’s very cathartic. That’s why I didn’t see this. Based on a true story about defending your country’s honor? Who the fuck cares? How does that help me make it through a crappy day at a shitty job? I need to fantasize about pounding someone’s face in with my feet from sheer anger. This doesn’t accomplish that.

MAYBE THERE’S A TRUE LIFE SPORTS MOVIE HE CAN DO

Gridiron Gang is down to number three followed by Flyboys and since we discussed last week how The Rock was pissing away his heat in bad movies, now let’s discuss this latest train wreck from former “It” boy, James Franco. Coming off acclaimed work on TV in Freaks & Geeks and James Dean Story for which he won some awards, he’s then proceeded to make nothing but crap (have we seen Sonny where he’s a hustler pimped by his own mom who has a sex scene with the younger sister from Charles in Charge who got a boob job). This is the third lousy movie he’s starred in this year alone, coming up behind Tristan & Isolde and Annapolis (he’s even got a role in The Wicker Man). I hope he buys a nice house for his mom with the money he’s making, because I’d hate to think this is all for nothing. But he doesn’t care. He’s Harry Osborn in the Spider-man movies, so perhaps unlike everyone else, he knows he’s working with a net. And as bad as they all are, they’re not the same, he’s the star in all of them and it beats working a job where you have to fantasize about beating the crap out of people with your feet to make it through the day. This time it’s the true story of the Lafayette Escadrille, American pilots who went to fight in World War I before the United States was officially involved. Now this probably would have been a pretty good story on HBO and there’s probably one hell of a Discovery Channel/History Channel/A&E documentary of it, but it’s simply beyond the scope of the guy who directed My Bodyguard 25 years ago. Yes, this is what he’s doing now. Granted he didn’t write it, but as the director he can order a rewrite and you’d think having the guy who wrote The Sting would do just that, but you’d be wrong. But like I said, Franco doesn’t care. Spider-Man 3 will be huge because it features the black costume and the introduction of Venom, two of the most popular storylines in Spider-man in the last twenty years.

IF WOMEN RAN THE WORLD IT WOULD BE NICER, BUT A LOT UGLIER

Everyone’s Hero is down to number five, followed by The Black Dahlia at number six and making a cameo as a singer in a lesbian bar in LA is…k.d. lang!?! Granted, it seems pretty obvious, but why the hell is she here? Was Melissa Etheridge busy? Were The Indigo Girls too butch? Hasn’t Natalie Merchant come out? And people, she has not aged well. Those clean androgynous looks have been replaced by soft, rubbery features and the emergence of a brand new chin. Sorry girls. But it’s funny the difference between aging gay men and aging lesbians. Men do all they can to stave off the passage of time, while k.d. and Ellen could give a shit.

SCHADENFREUDE FOR SPICOLI

All The King’s Men opens poorly at number seven and to some seriously bad reviews, but who didn’t know this when they postponed the release from last year’s Oscar season? You don’t move your Oscar bait and everyone knows it. So, obviously it was in deep, deep trouble. Am I wrong for enjoying the hell out of this because it stars pretentious, humorless prick, Sean Penn? And apparently his equally humorous co-star, Jude Law, who also took offense at Chris Rock’s Oscar joke, saying it “got personal”? Well, Jude, given your utter lack of success in the two thousand films you’ve made over the last two years, people making jokes about you at the Oscars probably won’t be one of your problems ever again. And can we finally admit that Anthony Hopkins is now the first sign of a big A-list bomb? Writer/director Steven Zallian has gone out of his way to point out he didn’t see the first movie based on Robert Warren Penn’s novel. Gee, bet you’re regretting that now, huh?

STILL SAY IT’S NOT THAT GREAT

The Covenant is down to number eight, followed by The Illusionist at number nine and with a budget of $17M, its $28M return means it’s at least broken even, with DVD probably pushing it firmly into the black. Which means, yes, pretentious, humorless prick Edward Norton will be around for a bit longer.

…LIKE THE SUN GOING DOWN ON MEEEEE!

And Little Miss Sunshine closes out the top ten at number ten.

MY ONLY REAL REASON FOR LIVING

So, the new TV season has kicked in and as much as I hate to admit it I will be watching Studio 60 on the Sunset Strip, but I still hate Aaron Sorkin. He’s not so much smart as he is quick. Trust me, if they forced two episodes of jokes from Cheers into one, critics would swear Noel Coward has been reborn. Basically, he makes people who went to small liberal colleges feel smart, but he’s not saying anything any high school dropout wouldn’t get. And even this show has his annoying, self-righteous liberalism and people who are all good and decent people inside. This is what annoyed me on Sports Night and The West Wing, as if you can succeed in any aspect of sports without being a narcissistic asshole or become president of the United States without ruthlessly crushing even your friends if they get in your way. Again, if you’re at the top of the pyramid in show business you need to be narcissistic and a bit ruthless. Only Steven Weber shows signs of being a genuine bad guy, but I’ll bet you we see his humanistic, liberal side too. And after years of being the “next big thing” Amanda Peet finally has a role that delivers. It makes sense. She’s simply not meant for the big show, but on the small screen she shines. But what is up with Sorkin and this ugly male cast? The season premiere of Gray’s Anatomy was utterly disappointing. I hated Denny and I couldn’t wait for him to die, but even in death the utter lameness of his character and circumstances prevail. The only bright spots were the flashbacks to how everyone met. Kidnapped was more interesting that I thought it would be, due in no small part to a seriously talented cast and actual New York locations. More importantly, it’s lit like New York. On the other hand, this is why it also falls apart in the first five minutes. The kidnapping occurs in broad daylight on the Upper East Side after a shootout AND NO ONE NOTICES! We even see people on the streets! I’ve always liked Anne Heche, so I took a look at her show, Men In Trees…I still like her anyway. I love Rachel Griffiths, so I checked out her show Brothers & Sisters with Calista Flockhart as her sister and Sally Field as their mom and it’s one of those families that exist only in TV and the movies of a half dozen siblings all apparently born a year apart so they can be contemporaries. Yeah, I’m gonna have to forgive her for this too. Now I’m just waiting on three things: 30 Rock, Smallville and the best show on TV, Battlestar Galactica.

SHE’S BRINGING SEXY BACK, FRONT AND SIDEWAYS

Ellen Barkin was in the New York Times talking about selling the millions of dollars of jewlery she was given by her soon-to-be ex, billionaire Ron Pearlman. Apparently, she was “shocked, shocked” to learn that he was a bit of a dick. Hmm, I guess you didn’t notice him tearing the mother of his child to shreds when you were dating him, huh? But she’s making up for it in spades. She’s the new female lead in Ocean’s 12, which makes her its first real female lead ever. And she’s supposedly dating George Clooney now. Yes, it’s real nice to look up/down at something pretty in bed, isn’t it? And if George Clooney is dating her, he’s officially my hero. Unlike most of the adolescent men in show business, he ignored Lindsay Lohan throwing her loose ass at him (though we cannot help but be impressed at her rare instance of good taste by trying) but is gettin’ down with fifty-something Ellen Barkin, who remains so hot she could turn a meatlocker into a barbecue simply by rubbing her legs together.

THIS IS AS BAD AS THAT TIME I HAD THE VAPORS

So this is late because I had a minor crisis in my family involving my aunt, the very mother of the Justice Department Cousin who was visiting in New York recently. For a while there it looked hairy, so I was hardly in angrygeek mode, but now that the news I better (her brilliant doctor son was confident enough in her progress to just check on her for a few hours then go back home to his practice, which is one of the foremost in the southeast with a freaking waiting list---yes, I am a failure in my family) I can leave the fetal position and resume. But I did forgo a party I was supposed to attend on Saturday night after I first got the news. It was yet another outdoor event held by Around The Way Girl’s former roommates. I was supposed to meet Dorito Cheeseburger Woman there, but when the news came, I told her I would not be attending. She expressed her sympathies and intention to say a prayer for me…and went on to the party. Now, I do not forgo her this. First, she was already in a cab on her way there. Secondly, I met her at one of these things, so it’s not like she didn’t have friends of her own there she wanted to see, and finally, when you hear news like that you’re more inclined to grab a big a piece of life as you can. You know, “fight, fight, fight against the dying of the light.” But where was my polite, yet utterly insincere “Do you want me to stop by?” I mean, I’m literally right around the corner! How can you not make at least the pretense of checking on me? I hate these situations because they remind me of how distinctly southern I remain. Now if the situations were reversed, my first response would be to offer to stop by, even if I really didn’t want to. It’s just what you do. Hell, you’re actually supposed to bring a casserole! But you make the offer, the person then politely refuses so as not to burden you with their troubles (or in my case, so I could deal with my mother who was obviously in shock and my weeping sister and then weep naked on the floor myself in the fetal position) and the fabric of society is maintained. But that didn’t happen and I have to remind myself it’s not you people, it’s me. You can’t move to Paris and complain about all the smoking and snooty attitude and you can’t move to New York and complain about the lack of polite manners and high rents. Besides, I may be the only person here to apologizes when he stops a closing elevator door (because I realize how obnoxious it to make others wait because I refuse to wait a whopping minute for another elevator), but when I go home to Atlanta I’m the only prick hitting the horn and sighing loudly in long lines. Well, me and the other 10,000 former New Yorkers rumored to be in the Atlanta metro area.

RIDE ME DEPUTY DAWG!

Finally an A-list sighting. A very blonde Michael Douglas who, yes, was much shorter than I expected, but he looked good. A generationally important sighting of Andrew McCarthy with his infant child wrapped around him in one of those odd swaddling things that were a joke on Cheers fifteen years ago, but are now de rigueur for all hip parents. Just get a fucking baby holster, you pretentious twats. Finally, I saw my favorite comedian, Dave Atell, sitting at Starbucks on 43rd and 9th. My favorite Atell joke remains, “I so I take home this girl one night and we do it doggie style. Not by choice but that’s how she passed out. This chick was going so crazy during sex she started yelling out imaginary people. ‘Take me, Poppa Smurf! Do, me Aquaman!’ I couldn’t tell if she was hallucinating or just reading my sheets.”

09/18/06

CAN YOU SMELL THE ROCK’S DESPERATION?

Gridiron Gang opens at number one and apparently Sony saw the money Disney was making on inspiring true sports stories and said, “Hey, let’s get a little piece of that.” Well, a piece they have. And whatever treacley little inspirational story about a hockey/baseball/lacrosse team that was sitting in the development pile just got the green light to come out during its respective season. This couldn’t have come a moment sooner for The Rock, who has had his actual screen charisma wasted in virtually everything he’s done, climaxing with the movie Doom WHERE THEY MADE HIM THE FREAKING BAD GUY! How fucking bright do you have to be to realize what a massive fucking mistake that is? Then there was the idiot decision to release The Rundown---a total summer movie that actually got decent reviews---in the fall. Then he made the dumb decision to make the Get Shorty sequel, Be Cool, without checking to see if the director was coming back (he wasn’t and we know what happened). And I don’t know what the remake of Walking Tall was about, but I hope he was well paid. This is doubly appropriate given he was a football player in college---until he lost his position to none other than Warren Sapp. Know why? ‘Cause Warren Sapp is ugly and The Rock is not. See, in the real world, ugly big guys play sports for the same reason ugly little guys start bands: it’s the only way to get girls. Show me the best looking guy at a position and I’ll show you an ugly guy who can do it better. Tom Brady is not good looking. He’s just good-looking for a quarterback, because the Manning Brothers do not have a fallback career in modeling. Needless to say, I did not see this movie, because I can barely find time to see real football I care about. I’m not going to waste precious moments on “real life” tripe. If anything, I’d watch the documentary (with the same title) about the real thing and we know how likely I am to see a documentary.

THE BIG MISS

The Black Dahlia opens at number two giving us our second movie based on a mysterious Hollywood crime. The difference is, this movie was based on a fictional book that was based on a real crime, while Hollywoodland wrapped a real story in a fictional one. Hollywoodland was much better and the reason can be found in two little words: Brian DiPalma. While Steven Spielberg does deserve most of the blame for being the first of the film school educated technically perfect directors who lack a real heart, it was more Brian DiPalma who really kicked the door open because he was always more about style than substance, taking Hitchcock’s style without seeming to notice Hitchcock used it to better tell his story. DiPalma uses it for the sake of using it. And yes, his swirling Hitchcock style is back. It might have been more appropriate in this period murder mystery, but again it’s misused. Ostensibly, it’s about the murder of The Black Dahlia, in reality it’s about the descent into darkness of Josh Harnett and Aaron Eckhart as two Los Angeles detectives investigating the case. Except they don’t so much descend as just add to their darkness. The movie opens with a boxing match between the two (yes, you have to buy Josh Hartnett as not only a detective, but as a detective who was a boxer) where Eckhart cheats, but Hartnett still has to throw the fight so he can make enough money to put his addled father in a rest home. Also, we find out that Eckhart isn’t sleeping with his live in girlfriend, Scarlet Johannssen, instantly making her hookup with Hartnett inevitable, so tension is pretty much non-existent, no matter how much DiPalma tries to create it with longing looks up stairwells at her in her underwear. It doesn’t help that Scarlet Johannssen and Harnett look like children next to Eckhart. The miscasting gets worse when Hilary Swank shows up as femme fatale who is supposed to look like the dead girl, played by Mia Kirshner. Well, if that’s what they were going for, they should have cast Matt Damon as The Black Dahlia, because not only do she and Mia Kirshner look nothing alike, but nothing exposes the lack of femininity in Swank’s face more than making her play uber-femme roles (ironically, Swank has rocking feminine body which is utterly wasted here). The scenes with her insane rich family play more like farce that dark noir (people were laughing in theater and I can’t blame them). You wanna see it done right? See the first fifteen minutes of The Big Sleep with Humphrey Bogart meeting the Sternwood family. You get the perverse corruption of the rich instantly. Also, if you’ve read The Big Sleep, you know instantly who’s behind the death of the girl the moment they show up onscreen. Given that they took such an obvious route, it’s a wonder they couldn’t have done it better, because it’s not like they didn’t have good examples to steal from. I don’t know if the book follows Hartnett’s character more than Eckhart’s, but if so, I hope they make Hartnett’s character more intriguing, as Eckhart’s detective is obviously the more interesting here. Already tainted by corruption, he soon descends into drug-fueled madness over The Black Dahlia murder. His is obviously the more interesting story but we see almost none of it. I actually read about The Black Dahlia when I was a kid and they leave out a lot about the murder, most specifically that it was a huge case, with literally hundreds of officers working on it. You get none of that here, with Harnett pretty much solving it on his own, apparently uninterested in telling his fellow officers of the clues he discovers. The story also leaves out perhaps the most interesting aspect of the case: the killer mailed the police Elizabeth Short’s phone book with pages ripped out. He also mailed them her birth certificate. That’s more interesting than this entire movie.

WHAT THE CONQUERER WAS TO JOHN WAYNE

Everybody’s Hero opens at number one and remember what I said about the computer animation glut taking a few years to slow down? Well, this outta help. The most notable thing about it is that Christopher Reeve was the original director before he died and his wife did one of the voices so basically…it killed them. It’s also a baseball movie being stupidly released in September when baseball is almost over, especially for kids who are back in school.

SAY ANYTHING 2: THE WRATH OF KAHN

The Last Kiss opens at number four and being a fan of Scrubs I had no idea so many people hated Zach Braff as much as they do. Yes, I was no fan of Garden State, which may be the first “emo” movie ever made, but one good episode of Scrubs easily washes all that away. Not for the rest of you, it seems. You can’t stand that his Garry Shandling looks nonetheless allow him to nail non-slutty hottie starlets like Natalie Portman and Mandy Moore. And apparently you hate his John Cusack derivative movie persona as well. Well, what made this movie a no-go for me was 1) I saw the Italian original and wasn’t impressed and 2) uber-hack Paul Haggis, who has Oscars for his typing (I refuse to call it actual writing because he sucks so much at it) on Million Dollar Baby and Crash also typed up this screenplay and while it doesn’t demand any artistic loyalty, they pussy out instantly by making the young girl a college student as opposed to the high school girl she was in the Italian version, letting you know just how much of an immature asshole he was cheating on his pregnant girlfriend with her. Also the stink of emo is on this as well, because Zach Braff also compiled the music for the soundtrack. I despise emo---The Official Music of Myspace.com---which should just be called “whiny music to get you pussy” because that’s all it is. Wuss boys whining about girls they can’t have, which strangely makes other women want to sleep with them because they’re “so sensitive.” You know, it’s nature’s law that females are more attracted to males who are capable of providing for offspring and passing on strong survival traits. How ironic is it then that the ultimate proof of how different we are from animals is that women are attracted to skinny, whiny men without real jobs who wear mascara? Suddenly that guidette who wants a guy with muscles and union job looks a lot more intelligent.

MAY HE NEVER MAKE A MOVIE WITH CHAKA KAHN

The Covenant is down to number five, followed by Invincible at number six and then The Illusionist is down to number seven and also in this is Rufus Sewell, who was being sold as a leading man for awhile (anyone remember Dark City?) before the audience pointed out that leading men don’t have spooky haunted eyes like this guy, and so began his much more appropriate career as a villain. He was the sole bright spot of the TV version of Helen of Troy. While Brian Cox was good hammy fun as Agamemnon in the movie (“Then every son of Troy will diiiiieeeee.”), Rufus Sewell was much more appropriate as the man who sacrifices his own daughter to win the approval of the gods, which is how the story actually goes. But they added more creepiness to suit his performance, as the first thing he does after taking Troy is to rape Helen (because of this they don’t wait until he returns to Greece to have his wife murder him in the bath over the killing of their daughter). But don’t let this sway you into wasting a moment of your life seeing it. It truly sucks otherwise.

WELL, HE KNOWS HOW TO CAST WELL AT LEAST

Little Miss Sunshine is down to number eight followed by Hollywoodland at number nine and popping up in a nice supporting role in this is Robin Tunney as George Reeves’s fiancé when he died. You know her best as the lead from The Craft who looks suspiciously like Gillian Anderson. She plays a brass balls New York girl and is the bright spot of the Adrian Brody storyline. Not only is he waste, but so is Molly Parker another indie fave of mine, who plays his wife (you know her best as the rabbi Nate wanted to hump on Six Feet Under and Alma Garett on Deadwood, so someone at HBO loves her too).

TRANSPORTING CRANK?

Finally, Crank closes out the top ten at number ten and considering it only cost $12M to make and has made $24M domestically, it’s safe to say there will be more movies of Jason Statham causing mayhem in various cities around the world. And maybe more of Amy Smart having sex in public places. Who knows?

IN THE LAND OF THE EUNUCHS, THE ONE-BALLED MAN IS KING

So I had to briefly attend a comic book convention this weekend. I get a call Saturday night telling me to report to the convention at 9:00 am the next morning. Now I haven’t been to a convention in over 20 years. Why? Because I despise my fellow geeks. They’re bad enough one-on-one, but in groups…you just want to sterilize everyone---before you realize there’s no way these guys are getting laid anyway, so why bother? I was only there to set up, but what I saw brought back far too many unpleasant memories, not the least of which being geeks turn into complete raving assholes the moment they get even a taste of power. You know why your IT guy is a dick? Because it’s the first time in his life he’s ever had any power over anyone else. Well, the first time outside of working a comic book convention, that is. That rule is still in effect. Also in effect is the sheer ugliness and inability to dress oneself. Listen to me: denim shorts are hideous and cargo denim shorts are an unholy blight on this earth. If Jessica Alba wore them she’d look like shit, so imagine how you look? The only type of denim short that works is a cut-off, period. Everything else is shit. And that was only the beginning. Even the guy trying to wear a simple black pinstriped suit with a white shirt managed to fuck it up BY FLIPPING UP THE SHIRT COLLAR! Sigh. But new is the age. Everyone is old now. Kids play video games, not spend money on comic books, so not only were there no kids, there was not one single person of adult age with either a full head of hair or without gray hair, myself included. And the age issue took on a sad hue with the “celebrity guests.” Karen Gorney from Saturday Night Fever? The woman who played Lt. Marlena Moreau from the “Mirror Mirror” episode of Star Trek? Playboy centerfolds…from the early 80’s? It was not a pretty sight. Suddenly you see why people get plastic surgery, because being genetically blessed at 20 is no promise of being the same at 40, much less 50 and 60. It’s like the Greek myth about the man who asks for eternal life but forgets to ask for eternal youth as well and winds up turning to a cricket. It’s what The Lunatic once called “White Trash Beauty” that is the way people on the lower end of the socio-economic ladder strangely become stunningly beautiful at 16 only to see it all but gone before they even turn 30 (does the transformation of Britney Spears suddenly become clear to you?). Thankfully, I didn’t have to stay amongst the sadness too long and was sent down to begin my regular shift at the store once we were done setting up. One thing about the store is it does get normal people browsing, a great deal of the them female, and as I mentioned the odd occurrence of actual attractive women reading comics. Not at a convention. You want to know what it feels like being a supermodel? Got to either a computer trade show or a comic book convention. You’ll be a big beautiful fish in sad, estrogen-free pond.

CHASING AMY 2: ELECTRIC BUGALOO

You know how they say it’s small world, but you go forever without ever seeing any of your neighbors? Well, that suddenly became true for me when I ran into Chasing Amy. You remember Chasing Amy, the girl I had a modicum of attraction to only to be told she had a girlfriend, hence the name? The girlfriend who hated me and this somewhat resulted in the end our friendship (my possible contribution of mocking their relationship is immaterial at this time)? The girlfriend who actually called me up about two years ago to insult me, not realizing I recognized her voice instantly and started laughing because of it? Well, I figured I’d gotten the call because she and Chasing Amy had broken up and she wanted someone to blame. What I suspected as the reason wasn’t confirmed until last week, in of all place the offices of the real estate firm. It could have gone a dozen different ways. If I hadn’t taken the long way around, I never would have seen her. If I hadn’t decided to run the errand on the 5th floor just at that moment to get away from my co-workers, it never would have happened. But just as I was waiting for the elevator I look over and see her there and she sees me---unlike the time I saw her at the food fair last year and walked away unnoticed (it took awhile, but I finally realized the advice of my brother was sound: when they’re gone, they’re gone). This time, however, we spoke and she introduced me to her boyfriend. Yes, you read that correctly, her boyfriend. I wasn’t surprised. One of the reasons Chasing Amy’s girlfriend was so crazy where I was concerned was because Chasing Amy had cheated on her with a guy once before. Basically, she’s that person who wants your steak at dinner when she ordered the lobster and wants your lobster when she ordered the steak. That’s why I got the phone call. Chasing Amy had dumped for a guy and she knew it (and I just happen to be listed). He was there buying an apartment. This bothered me more than anything because it was yet another reminder others were moving forward while I am not only standing still, but regressing in some ways. Even she’d made changes, be they clichéd little gender ones (isn’t the lesbian thing supposed to happen between 18 and 22 in college, not 25 and 30?). We made small talk, I gave her my card with an email address I never use and was on my way. I’ve been drinking every night since (I started one full day earlier than usual). I hate revisiting the past. No good can come of it at all. None.

HAS ANYONE CHECKED ON POPEYE?

Spinach kills and a million children scream at their parents, “I told you so!”

09/11/06

REAL MALE WITCHES AREN’T CALLED WARLOCKS…WHICH IS BORING

The Covenant opens at number one and remember when Renny Harlin was someone? No? Well, for thirty seconds with Die Hard 2 and Cliffhanger and marrying Geena Davis he was, but then he destroyed both his career and hers with Cutthroat Island and The Long Kiss Goodnight (which is a guilty pleasure of mine). Then she caught him boning his assistant on a table and divorced him. Well, apparently Hollywood is a more forgiving place than we thought, because he’s not directing softcore porn on cable like he should be. Instead, he’s got this, which looks like a male version of The Craft from a few years back and it puts him back at number one (albeit at one of the weakest number ones in a long time). This time it’s a bunch of pretty boys in high school with magical powers and apparently they didn’t get the memo that these are supposed to be the bad guys. The outsider who fights them is the good guy. How can you sympathize with the good looking status quo? And I’m gonna get my geek dander up right now because this is essentially a fight between people with super powers but is given much more respect than a superhero movie would. Why are super-powers acceptable when they’re magic, but a radioactive spider bite gets ridiculed? Why do movies about vampires and werewolves get a pass almost every week, while a man who can fly ‘cause he’s from another planet takes twenty years to get off the ground (no pun intended). Boy wizards? Fine. Boy superheroes balancing high school and saving the world? Mocked. Is it the colorful costumes? You got a problem with muscled men in skintight primary colors? Oh. You do. Um, okay. Well, it wouldn’t bother me if all the guys in this were wearing brightly colored tight costumes. What? No, I don’t have a girlfriend. What’s that got to do with anything? Shut up!

GEEK TRIVA: BOTH BRANDON ROUTH AND GEORGE REEVES WERE FROM IOWA…LIKE CAPTAIN JAMES TIBERIUS KIRK

Hollywoodland opens at number two and let the word be spread: Ben Affleck just saved his career. Yes, he’s very good in this, the story of the mystery behind the death of TV’s first Superman, George Reeves. As a longtime fan and geek, I was always a proponent of the murder theory and for a movie that purports to lend gravity to it, they completely omit that he’d filmed scenes for Psycho before his death (Martin Balsam replaced him). He was working with fucking Hitchcock! Also, they leave out the fame he had as Superman saying it was just for kids, when in reality he wound up appearing on I Love Lucy, which is the equivalent of Dean Cain being so famous as Superman from Lois & Clark that he wound up on Friends or Seinfeld. Or the guy from Smallville showing up on American Idol or Desperate Housewives. Imagine if they’d killed themselves just after they’d shot some scenes for a new Scorsese movie---three days before their wedding. Wouldn’t you question it? While I do believe in Occacim’s Razor (“The simplest answer is usually the correct one”) and that he could have had a moment of despair because even though he’d gotten the Hitchcock role, they were going to restart the Superman series, the film doesn’t allow you to see all sides of it and actually never picks an answer. But that’s not the only way this movie fails as a murder mystery. Adrian Brody is the private detective investigating the death, but unless Queens is suddenly a suburb of LA, there’s no way he’s Hollywood born and bred the way he’s supposed to be in the film. He’s the worst cast LA private eye since Robert Altman cast Elliot Gould as Philip Marlowe (for which he should burn in hell). Also, like most movie private dicks, he’s tarnished but supposedly looking for redemption in the pursuit of a case that everyone warns him off of. Well, the writer and director never saw those movies because they fail utterly in this respect. In fact, the movie pretty much stops every time Adrian Brody’s story comes on the screen, leaving you counting the minutes before we get back to Ben Affleck and an equally good Diane Lane. She plays the wife of a ruthless studio executive who is amongst the suspects in Reeves death because while he didn’t care that his wife was seeing him, was supposedly livid when Reeves dumped her to marry someone else. The movie should have just been about the two of them. Look for some nods during award season. No, I’m not kidding.

YES, IN THE END, IT’S ALL ABOUT GIRLS

Invincible is down to number three followed by The Protector opening at number four and there was a time I would never miss a new martial arts film, but that was way back when I could actually throw a kick over my head which makes me have to recant a little bit about never being more athletic. For a brief moment when I was 17, I actually did get to a point where I could make my body do things like flying kicks and breaking boards. I think it lasted maybe a month. Sadly, there are no cheerleaders in taekwondo, so in the end, it was pretty useless to me. But back to the film, which, like most martial art films are about one of their three plots: 1) the tournament (which is most handy because it explains the absence of guns), 2) defending your family against the mob and 3) avenging some sort of wrong (dead father, dead sister, dead lover, dead buddy or stolen object). In this case it’s number three, making it pretty much a remake of the first where he travels to the city to return a stolen religious object (and yes, gets involved in a martial arts tournament). That time it was a small idol, this time it’s a small…elephant. But yeah, other than that it looks like the same mayhem and now that football season has started, I don’t have time unless it’s exceptionally interesting somehow…like the hero actually getting laid or something, which sadly only seemed to happen to Chuck Norris of all people (though Bruce Lee’s son, Brandon, did get some in Rapid Fire, getting further than his dad ever did, who managed two onscreen kisses in his entire career).

WHAT’S CHINESE FOR SCHADENFREUDE?

Crank is down to number five and I just realized Jason Statham does no martial arts in this film, though playing a mob hitman, but he did get laid in the first Transporter movie where he does perform martial arts. But he did well, landing Chinese star Shu Qi, who must have enjoyed that Zhang Ziyi didn’t do any better in Hollywood with Memoirs of A Geisha than she did with The Transporter (remember her agent pulled her out of Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon to do a Coke commercial and she was replaced by Zhang, but she can’t fire him because he saved her from a career in Chinese softcore porn, which almost never happens). Also in this is Dwight Yokam as a mob doctor helping Statham. Didn’t he start off as a country music star? Does he still do that? Or is it to him what rap is now to Ice Cube? And am I the only one who remembers he once dated Sharon Stone who later compared him to a “dirt sandwich.” Given that Yokam is smart and funny and Stone is neither, I think it’s safe to say that’s the highest praise you could receive as a man.

THE OTHERS

Little Miss Sunshine is down to number seven, followed by The Wicker Man at number eight and Talladega Nights: The Ballad of Ricky Bobby at number nine.

THE CINEMATIC EQUIVILENT OF A ROACH

Finally, going down for we can only hope is the final time is Barnyard.

EXTINGUISHING THE FIREBUSH…AND YOUR CAREER

Since I was 13, if you told me there was ever a time that I would find the vagina of a young, hot girl unattractive I would have laughed in your face (then again I was only 26 the first time I decided that sex came in second behind sleeping off a large meal, so men do mature, just not in ways you’d hope), but that was before I saw that shot of a panties-less Lindsay Lohan. This is why we have pubic hair, people. Genitals are ugly. It’s only an overwhelming rush of hormones that makes us think otherwise. At least women can hide theirs. Men have their ridiculous-looking junk just out there where pubic hair can only serve as a distraction, like a mustache and beard for a guy with a really big nose. A nice red triangle would have looked lovely (and you know I know, having seen the entrance to hell itself), instead, we got…this (I wouldn’t click on that at work if I were you). But what’s hysterical is that her people immediately Photoshopped another one with panties insisting the original was a fake---only to have the actual photographer come out and rebuke them! I hope she wasn’t counting on any Herbie sequels at Disney, because in a world where Tom Cruise gets fired, the latest enfant terrible running around Hollywood is hardly safe. Let me put it this way: just two years ago this would have been Tara Reid. Ten years ago it would have been Shannon Doherty. Where is she now? Doing a semi-reality show on basic cable, which I’ve had the misfortune to see (I had to; a friend works for Oxygen and told me about it months ago). It’s called Breaking Up with Shannon Doherty, which isn’t the laugh-fest is should have been considering she tried to run over an ex once. It’s a show where she helps sad, weak people end relationships through fake set ups, like Punk’d. Then she comes out and either lays into the no-good men or helps the bitchiest women alive somehow think they’re still the good guy despite deleting every female name from a boyfriend’s cell phone (I’m not making that up). So basically Shannon Doherty is getting paid to vent her rage, while ducking her own issues. It’s not even fun when she trashes the loser guys and just sad when she props up incredibly dysfunctional women. Lindsay Lohan should be made to watch this. And before you say, “Well Shannon was never a movie star or as talented.” I’ve got two words for you: Winona Ryder. Being an actual movie star with some talent (not to mention nice real breasts) didn’t save her and she flat out admits that people who do indie aren’t being asked for anything else no matter what they say.

THE INTERNET: ALLOWING US TO REMAIN TRAPPED IN OUR OWN PASTS FOREVER

Okay, so youtube.com has never really captivated me. Believe it or not, I’m not self-involved enough to put a video of myself on it and I could obviously give a shit about others, so what’s the point? Lost videos from your youth is the point. My buddy, OG (Original Geek) is obviously addicted to it and is constantly sending me things. One was a video of Prince on American Bandstand (which I fucking remember seeing). If you know anything about youtube, you know that it then gives you a bunch of other similar choices. Loving Prince, this quickly led me to VANITY 6 VIDEOS! VANITY’S LOUSY VIDEOS! Not to mention The Family, who originally did “Nothing Compared 2 U” which I still prefer to Sinead O’Connor’s mainly because I knew for years before she did it. So now, this is what I do. I track down old videos from my youth. My rummagings have turned up such forgotten 80’s pleasures as Vitamin Z (“Burning Flame”) Cee Farrow (“Should I Love You?”), Karla Devito (“Cool World”) and Jean Beauvoir (“Feel The Heat”), the kind of shit that doesn’t even show up on one-hit wonder collections and can’t even be found online to steal. Then I started watching Olivia Newton John from the period when she first tried to mature her image (“A Little More Love” and “Deeper Than The Night”). I loved her then, I love her now and I won’t apologize for it! Xanadu, bitches! You better recognize!

HE WAS JOHNATHAN KENT

Did I seriously forget to mention that Glenn Ford had died? Shit. Make sure you check out Gilda and Blackboard Jungle. Considering the time period they’re still emotionally powerful.

PROOF OF MY HETEROSEXUALITY REASSERTS ITSELF

Finally, football is back and my Falcons won! It’s Michael Vick’s world and you just live in it.