NOW WATCH ME MAKE THE LOGIC DISAPPEAR
The Prestige opens at number one and who would have thought there’d be not one but two movies about turn-of-the-century magicians with serious stars in them. The first was Ed Norton in The Illusionist, which was a surprise hit despite being too slight a story to carry its near two-hour running time. Unfortunately, that’s something it shares in common with The Prestige which is over two hours and suffers from the burden of “the twist.” Yes, it’s got one of those twist endings which I suppose is fine if you don’t see it coming, but if you realize what it is halfway through like I did, then it becomes a tiresome waiting game to get to that point where you’re proven right. And I was right. But how could I not be? They pretty much beat you over the head with hints and clues. The other flaw is a bit of a logic gap that is becoming common with Christopher Nolan films. In Memento, it was that if actually only had short term memory because of the attack, he couldn’t be on a revenge hunt because he wouldn’t remember anything after the attack, so he actually wouldn’t remember what had happened to his wife, only that an attack had occurred, but then there would be no film. In this case it’s also a plot crux that could have, should have been fixed in the writing stage. The rivalry between Hugh Jackman and Christian Bale begins when they are apprentice magicians and Christian Bale ties the wrong knot for drowning tank trick with Hugh Jackman’s wife. She can’t untie her bonds and escape the tank in time and drowns. The problem is, the guy with the axe to break the glass is Michael Caine. Yes, Batman and Wolverine stand around watching while Alfie swings the axe. You know why? Because if either of them had the axe, they would have gotten her out sooner, she wouldn’t have died and there’d be no movie. This is called “contrivance” kids and it’s not a good one. This leads to a retaliation by Jackman while Bale performs his act which costs Bale two fingers and it only gets worse after that, leading to actual casualties by the end as they continually try to “one up” the other. What? Did you think just because it was about magicians it would be a “happy” movie? When did Christopher Nolan ever make one of those? And just as he ruined his adaptation of Insomnia by injecting morality where it wasn’t needed, The Prestige suffers by slightly judging one of the men moreso than the other. A colder ending would have made a better film. He got that aspect right in Memento at least. There are at least three women who suffer for their competition, their wives (Jackman has Pier Perabo; Bale has Sarah Hall ) and the assistant they both share a bed with, played by Scarlet Johansson who in a miracle performance, not only maintains a decent British accent, but also managers to lose the tomboy monotone which has been part of her every performance. Nonetheless to see her pale, blonde with pouty lips after seeing Pier Perabo, pale blonde with pouty lips (which is obviously deliberate casting), I have to ask: is it just the boobs that has you all so stupid over her? Seriously, it’s gotta be the boobs.
AT LEAST THEY GOT PAID TO MAKE YOUTHFUL MISTAKES
The Departed is down to number two and Vera Famiga is the only notable female in the cast, which is par the course in Scorcese’s manly films about men doing manly business with other men. I first noticed her on the very underrated USA show, Touching Evil. She’s one of those women who isn’t conventionally beautiful, but is very hot---and I’m realizing this is also something that’s a part of Scorcese’s films. But what’s really funny is that she was on the show Roar with none other than Heath Ledger. In fact, a great deal of this cast can thank the cheesiest fucking TV possible for keeping them afloat when younger. Everyone knows Leo was on Growing Pains. Alec Baldwin was on Knots Landng. Martin Sheen did a lot of 50’s and 60’s TV including a five-year sting on As The World Turns; back in England, Ray Winstone was Will Scarlett on yet another TV version of Robin Hood, and as “Marky Mark” Mark Walberg played the young stud lover of Amanda Donahoe in a made-for-TV movie. But before you hardcore young actors decide to make that compromise and audition for MTV, know that the only two people with Oscars, Jack Nicholson and Matt Damon, did no TV whatsoever.
WW II…ONE MORE TIME
Fans of Our Fathers opens at number three and welcome to the new frontrunner for Best Picture---until something a lot prettier and uplifting comes along because this is a pretty blunt movie about the use of propaganda in World War II, most specifically, perhaps the most famous wartime photograph in military history: the raising of the flag over Iwo Jima. Or should I say the second flag over Iwo Jima. Most people don’t know that the famous image was merely the replacing of one flag with another for the silliest of reasons (a higher ranking officer wanted the first as a souvenir; ironically, that would be the one no one gave a shit about). The absurdity of this very no heroic act turning into the national worship as the accomplishment of heroes is what the film chronicles. After the photo becomes famous, the three surviving men in the photograph are sent on a nationwide war bonds tour because the film makes it clear the American public was suffering war fatigue and the war machine itself was flat broke. If you’re looking for romantic visions about the glory of World War II, Clint is not your guy. The film begins at the apex of the absurdity when the three survivors are to recreate the flag raising on a paper mache hill. Through flashbacks and forwards we find out not only how they come to that point, but also what happened to the other men and what finally happens to them afterwards and it ain’t a pretty story. The story of, Ira Hayes, who was a Native American Indian, is well known, as he was so tortured by his memories of the war, he essentially drank himself to death and became a sad statement about what happens to heroes in real life (another was marginally better, spending the rest of his life as a janitor). The film is based on a book by the son of the healthiest survivor, played by Ryan Phillipe who must have been doing handstands upon landing the lead in Steven Spielberg/Clint Eastwood production because it might finally make him something more than Reese Witherspoon’s pretty boy husband. Clint did the casting himself, so it’s a mystery why he chose people like former Teen People boys like Ryan Phillipe, Paul Walker and Jesse Bradford (who in a supreme piece of irony actually isn’t as attractive as he man he’s portraying, who looked like freaking Tyrone Power). The exception is Adam Beach who plays Ira Hayes and he’s the only person in the cast who may be remembered at nomination time. Aside from being the best actor, he’s got the most Oscar friendly role: minority, heroic, alcoholic and he dies! Tailor made for Hollywood to flex its liberal pride---then regulate this man to taking all the roles that Lou Diamond Phillips and Graham Greene are too old for now.
HOW MEN RUN THE WORLD CONTINUES TO REMAIN A MYSTERY
Open Season is holding at number four and where the fuck is that Beauty & The Geek female version that Ashton Kutcher said was coming? I was very disappointed with the regular Beauty & The Geek as the girls weren’t so beautiful and were, quite frankly, morons, but I guess it would have been too cruel having truly beautiful girls on there, because they would have broken those geek bastards before the end of the first episode. Similarly, pretty much any man, attractive or otherwise will ignore the advice of a woman they don’t find attractive, so that may never come.
I LIKE YOU, BUT I DON’T HORSE-MOVIE-LIKE YOU
Flicka opens at number five and while I like Alison Lohman, she’s got to make a movie that interests me in some way. I’ve liked her since White Oleander, but haven’t seen her in anything sense, because she keeps making stuff like this. Hell, I wouldn’t even bother seeing her nude and having sex with other women in Where The Truth Lies because I found it so uninteresting (what if Jerry Lewis & Dean Martin broke up over a Fanny Arbuckle type scandal---yeah, I can feel you wetting your pants to see it too). Basically, she could easily have played in any role Rachel McAdams has played. Yeah, that could have been her career. She’s got the same type of appeal. Now she goes and makes this horse movie…meaning I’m going to continue waiting.
BECAUSE THAT 2BR IN THE WEST VILLAGE REQUIRES SACRIFICES…LARGE ONES
The Grudge 2 is down to number six, followed by Man of the Year at number seven and also in this is my beloved Laura Linney and I hope she bought a nice place with the money she got for this. Okay, since I know something about Manhattan real estate I guess I should say, I hope she was able to finance a nice place with the money she got for this, because she probably wasn’t buying outright. Not after manager’s fees, agent’s fees and lawyer’s fees and taxes on top of it. Yes, the cost of living in NYC doth make whores of us all. Even makes you agree to be Robin Williams’s love interest in a movie.
DIABLE EST CECI!?!
Marie Antoinette opens at number eight which is actually pretty good for a movie that’s over two hours long and open in less than a thousand theaters. I was trying to find time to see this when I realized I’d rather fall asleep to football highlights. This is essentially an art house film and like most art house films, I’ve just lost my taste for them. My tolerance for people just jerking off cinematically has decreased dramatically and nothing says “jerk-off” like “What if I told the story of Marie Antoinette as kind of alternative 80’s teen flick?” While I can admire from an artistic point of view the idea that Sofia Coppola took with this, I don’t think she went far enough. If you’re going to get into that France was essentially being run by teenagers, then hire fucking teenagers, not actors in their 20’s. The music is a nice twist, though she shows her age because no one in their 20’s much less teens is listening to Siouxise & The Banshees. Only people like us now middle-aged Generation-Xers.
THE END
The Texas Chainsaw Massacre: The Beginning is down to number nine, followed by The Marine at number ten.
BUT APPRENTLY WILLIAM SHATNER WILL LIVE FOREVER
Death finally took Freddy Fender, but we kinda knew that was coming. Unfortunately, while that is sad, it’s still not enough for me to play his music. Sorry. Also not entirely unexpected is the passing of 96-year-old June Wyatt, who was known to one generation for Lost Horizon with Ronald Coleman and None But The Lonely Heart with Cary Grant; another for the mother on Father Knows Best (on the show she was the butt of a joke for not being able to operate a car, but in reality Robert Young was a drunk and she was the stabilizing force on the set) and still another as the human mother of Spock on Star Trek. Guess which one I am?
YES, BUT WE’RE CRUEL HERE
It’s wrong to laugh at the misfortune of others, but you know the halls of Scientology everywhere and filled with cackles at Keith Urban, a.k.a. Mr. Nicole Kidman going into rehab. And what does it say about her that her longest relationship was with Tom Cruise? You know she’s pissed beyond all human comprehension. This is pretty much the only thing he’s famous for at this point, country music career be damned. Again, her gay following just jumped, because those lads just love a woman with bad taste in men. It also begs the question, how the hell could she not know or even be surprised? I mean, it may be country music, but he’s still a fucking musician. Between her and Renee Zellweger, they’re 0-2 on Hollywood and Nashville. But Madonna just demands the laughter with her incredibly transparent plea for attention. Sweetie, just write a nice check to the orphanage, send the kid back and call it a day. You’ll have the last laugh, because when he’s 16 and realizes he could be one of the most privileged kids on the planet, but instead is living in abject poverty because daddy wanted to be close to him, daddy’s gonna wish he could send him away. “It’s okay, dad. Let’s just go to dinner and forget about it. Oh, wait. We don’t have any money or food! That’s why you put me in the fucking orphanage in the first place!” And is there a shortage of orphans in third world countries that she needs to fight for this one? Sadly, there isn’t. Right now Meg Ryan is telling her publicist, “See, I told you it was better to go Chinese! It didn’t get me big headlines, but it didn’t get me bad headlines either.”
ONLY HAVING A REAL MONKEY COULD HAVE MADE IT BETTER
Okay, so I got rid of all my premium channels in a budgetary crunch and the effect of this is that I’m slowly clearing off old shows I’ve had on my DVR, starting with Love Monkey. Damn, that show was good. I mean, I loved it when it was on, but after doing a little mini-marathon of all the unaired shows from when they ran them on VH1 back in…um, May, oh it’s so good. The quick dialogue that people seem to think only Aaron Sorkin can do, the actual New York locations (some people actually lived in Brooklyn)…oh, love monkey, we hardly knew ye. Granted the idea that he can just make a phone call and get musicians to perform for him at any time get ridiculous (“Okay, Martin Luther, stand on the corner in the cold and wait for me to get this girl I just met and then sing one verse to her. No, you’re not getting paid to take time out of your life for this.”), but they more than made up for it by not only developing the growing romance with Ivana Milicevic, with a rare subtlety for a network show, but they let his best gal pal actually have a real relationship of her own instead of going all cliché love triangle. If anything I was annoyed at the need to constantly give his friends their own storylines. I could really give a shit about Larenz Tate or Jason Priestly or their characters (but the running gag about how Priestly has gained weight was funny). Now I’m now pissed I didn’t keep all the others. I should have known it was too good to last. Where’s my goddamned DVD set!?! It’s only 8 episodes! Gimmie!
10/16/06
SHOULDN’T THE SEQUEL ACTUALLY BECALLED “BEGRUDGED”
The Grudge 2 opens at number one and if I didn’t see The Grudge, what were the chances I’d see the sequel? Exactly. This time, the most recent graduate of young people’s television, Amber Tamblyn, assumes the lead from Sarah Michele Gellar (whom I can only assume in the great Charlton Heston Tradition of Sequel Stars, she only agreed to come back if she could die in the sequel). But that’s about all I know or care to know about this. I have to give Sarah Michele Gellar some credit. Post-Buffy she’s not cranking out a series of mediocre romantic comedies to make quick money. She found what works for her and is pretty deliberate about it. The Grudge made her money, so she’s back for the sequel. She also has another suspense horror film in the pipeline and unlike most it’s not simply Ten Little Indians where we watch a bunch of people die. Not that I’ll ever see that either.
BEFORE BLACK PEOPLE BUT AFTER THE JEWS: THE IRISH
The Departed drops to number two and if you think Black people invented this whole romance of the ghetto idea, then you don’t know much about the Irish, especially the Irish in Boston. It’s a holdover from centuries of fighting The British and thanks to a strong and regular influx from Ireland, it’s not going anywhere. Assimilation be damned. This plays an important part of the film, as both Leonardo DiCaprio and Matt Damon come from the po side of town, though Leo catches a break when his mom remarries rich. The entire scene where Martin Sheen and Mark Walberg interrogate him and talk him into becoming an undercover operative is all about that and Walberg seems to relish ripping into someone who tries to forget where he came from. Given the rumors of Walberg’s dislike of Matt Damon (they’re like ugly and uglier versions of the same person along with Joaquin Phoenix), he must have really loved the scenes where they go after one another, but only Damon gets to do the Boston accent, which begs the question: where’s Ben Affleck? Seriously, if there was ever a role to restore his credibility that would be comfortable to him, this was it. You mean his work in Daredevil wouldn’t let him get that meeting? I’m shocked. Ironically enough, had he gotten say the Alec Baldwin part, he couldn’t have done the role that did restore him, which was George Reeves in Hollywoodland. So it all worked out in the end. And let me be just mean and point out though they both dated women like Winona Ryder and Jennifer Lopez, both Damon and Affleck married pretty ordinary looking women in the end (please don’t start that bullshit about Jennifer Garner as some great beauty).
WHEREFORT ART THOU, MORK?
Man of the Year and what are the chances there was anyone in the theater for this under the age of 40? Only us old folks remember when Robin Williams and his manic delivery were funny (once upon a time children, that hairy old man played a character named Mork which originally premiered on a show called Happy Days, which was kinda like That 70’s Show). Now we’ve come to realize it’s a problem he has. Though he does on occasion has some funny improv moments, like Eddie Murphy and Jim Carey, he’s one of those guys who can make something mildly funny actually funny and something actually funny incredibly funny, but what he cannot do is make something out of nothing. He needs solid material…and the trailer alone tells me this ain’t it. I mean, if you’re going to have a Jon Stewart-like character then cast him properly and let Robin Williams do a nice little supporting role because a little goes a long way. If this is the best Barry Levinson can do, then he needs to go back to telling more stories about being an upper-middle class Jew in Baltimore in the 50’s and 60’s. Or better yet, how about moving beyond his fucking childhood and telling stories about working in Hollywood in the 70’s and 80’s. I’m sure he’s got stories to tell about that. At this point I’m sure a story about working with Robin Williams during the cocaine fueled 80’s is much more interesting than making a movie with Robin Williams now.
MOMMY, WHY IS THE CARTOON YOU PRETTIER?
Open Season is down to number four and providing a voice in this is my beloved Debra Messing, who unfortunately proved it’s not just girl children who steal your looks as she doesn’t seem to be regaining her pre-childbirth delicacy anytime soon, so this vocals only gig was probably for the best. I’m sure her agent pitched it delicately saying it would be something for her kid to watch one day (yes, mommy is the redheaded character). Joining her for the kid’s film gravy train are Jon Favereau who didn’t need it, Jane Krakowski who did, Gary Sinese who didn’t now that he’s got that CSI paycheck coming and Billy Connolly who’s ability to keep working is bordering on amazing.
YOUNGER, PRETTIER, EVEN LESS TALENTED
Texas Chainsaw Massacre: The Beginning is down to number five, but given that it only cost $16M to make, it’s gonna make a profit easily. Especially with Halloween right around the corner. Using this as her shortcut into films this time around is Jordana Brewster, the woman Demi Moore tries to keep from Ashton Kutcher daily. Ironically, she dated none other than Mark Walberg who spoke of the relationship with some bitterness as Brewster put her career on hold after The Fast & the Furious to attend Yale where her grandfather was president. Whereas he’s got that “keep it real” shit going on in his head. Add to it that she’s a decade younger and voila, you’ve got a guy who realized too late that he was just hump toy of a girl who was slumming.
MAYBE IF IT WERE SET IN SPACE
The Marine opens at number six and there was a time when me seeing this was a pure no-brainer. Dumb action movie? I’m there. Well, even I seem to have grown up a little because my time was too valuable for what could have easily have been called “Stock Action Movie.” All the clichés are there. Seasoned ex-professional soldier/cop/thief? Check. Played by some muscle-bound wrestler/bodybuilder/martial artist you’ve never heard of? Check. Arm candy to be in jeopardy? Played by C-list actress? Check. Sadistic Sociopathic Villain who loves his work? Check. Played by B-list actor enjoying chewing up the scenery? Check. Group of supporting thugs to be taken out one by one by our hero? Check. Cops just one step behind? Check. Things that go boom regularly? Check. But in my day this would have easily been rated R for violence that included actual blood, language and most of all, gratuitous nudity either by the C-list actress (think Linda Hamilton in The Terminator) or the girls in the strip bar they inevitably have to attend (too many films to name) or the hookers the bad guys buy (think 48 Hours).
BUT TO SOME, ELVIS IS JESUS
The Guardian, which sounds like it should have been some dumb action movie is down to number seven, followed by Employee of the Month at number eight with One Night With The King opening up at number nine and no, this is not about Elvis. It’s just one of those Christian movies that have been made in wake of The Passion of the Christ to cash in. This is the Biblical story of Esther and maybe that means something to some of you because it means nothing at all to me. I’d rather see a movie about some girl’s one night stand with Elvis.
NOW WHO’S STUPID?
Finally, Jackass 2 closes out the top ten at number ten and if you’re looking for number three, it’s coming. This cost less than $12M and has made $68M so far. Ka-ching.
COMPUTER & TV: NOW AS ONE THE WAY GOD INTENDED
So 30 Rock finally premiered and I loves me some Tina Fey, so of course I was there, even though I’d seen it online already. I love watching TV online. It’s such a natural extension of my life. It fits perfectly. While better than the obnoxious Studio 60, the show is not perfect, but it’s got one thing that makes you overlook all the flaws: Alec Baldwin. He does comedy the way it’s supposed to be done: straight. No wacky faces or winks at the camera. He never cracks a smile and gets the best laughs. I can’t stand Tracy Morgan (playing Tracy Jordan) to the point I’d almost rather see Martin Lawrence in this obvious Martin Lawrence role. But I like that Tina Fey suffers from Sarah Jessica Parker disease, which is the girl who isn’t traditionally pretty but wants to be seen as desirable. You can’t do an internet search of Sarah Jessica Parker without finding a picture of her half-naked, and this episode doesn’t go without Tina Fey shaking her ass and previews show it’s going to happen again. I’m looking forward to it. Jane Krakowski has the role that was originally supposed to be Rachel Dratch before NBC bluntly replaced her for reasons obvious to all. Dratch now appears in the humiliating guest position where she plays a different character every episode and they’re trying to spin this as somehow “better” than being an actual star of the show. Yeah, anyone seen Cheri Oteri lately? She’s actually funnier than Dratch, but about as attractive and we know what matters. Also, I find the straight-laced black guy as about as annoying a cliché as the thug black guy (though I don’t doubt for a second that the once formerly heavy Fey has dated both). Battlestar Galactica returned and supposedly the audience is down. Well given its two hour premiere were two hours of the most depressing TV outside of a holocaust drama, I’m not surprised. I can’t imagine what it was like for the new viewer when even a die-hard fan like myself was depressed. Let me put it this way: the humans, technically the heroes, became suicide bombers in order to fight the evil robots from the orders of the resistance leader who had his eye ripped out during interrogation, while his release was secured by his wife whoring herself out. Yeah, they’re making damn sure you don’t confuse this with Star Trek: The Next Generation. Though I love it, I understand it could use a bit more of the science fiction whiz bang.
OF COURSE GETTING FAT DEPRESSES ME TOO…
So the Undertoad (my reoccurring depression for those of you who’ve forgotten) returned and in a big way, leading to me getting my first cold of the season. The odd thing about my depression and sickness is that it makes me eat better and sleep more, things that would probably prevent sickness and some depression, but three days without sweets and five days without cheese simply is not living to me. I’d rather die fetal with the taste of chocolate in my mouth than laugh while eating an apple. By Saturday I was better and the best way to fight depression is to keep busy and focus on other things. This is how I wound up making dinner for The Libertine. I don’t see her as much now that she has a boyfriend who isn’t a tool, but he was out of town and she thought making me dinner would cheer me up. Being a control freak, I can’t allow that, so I decided to make dinner. Besides, I need the practice as I’ve made tentative plans to do the same for Dorito Cheeseburger Woman. I can only make about four meals, the most recent being Ginger Ale Pork Chops with Garlic Mashed Potatoes with the skins, so this is what I made, along with a side of asparagus baked with olive oil and sea salt (because I can’t get my brother’s taunts about me being afraid of green food out of my head). Usually, The Libertine is late, so of course when I was behind schedule and needed her to be even later she was incredibly early. This is proof I need practice before engaging a woman I’m genuinely trying to impress, because a man who doesn’t spend 90% of his time with action figures wouldn’t have been in the same state of disarray merely because his guest arrived 15 minutes early. Add to this I overcooked the pork chops because I’m paranoid about undercooking pork and this meal might have the potential of joining the infamous “Don’t Get Laid Chicken with Prosciutto and Monterey Jack” (so named because a friend and I have both made it for women and had absolutely nothing come of it). The mashed potatoes and asparagus were fine, but they’re vegetables, so who cares? I blew the main meal and that’s what matters. The Libertine also confirmed what I’d long feared when she saw the geek paradise that is my bedroom: “I could never have sex with all those Superman figures staring at me.” So my next manly project is to build four sets of doors for my book shelves. Three to hide the action figures and one to hide the porn. Because I’m throwing nothing away.
USA! USA!
Speaking of my depression, I knew it was really bad when I read about Tara Reid admitting she’d had bad plastic surgery and I felt sorry for her. I knew I was better when I read it again and thought, “You stupid bitch. You weigh 98 pounds to begin with and don’t have a real job. The only thing standing between you and six pack abs is being too much of a lazy, drunk whore.” You can keep your doctors and your tests. The true barometer to health is how much you think celebrities need to be punched in the head. And while I’m glad there’s one less child living in African poverty, Madonna is so sadly desperate to cash in Angelina Jolie’s celebrity (after trying to leech Britney Spears and Lindsay Lohan failed), she also needs a punch to the head. I can’t say much about Steven Spielberg and Tom Cruise, but they were adopting Black kids back before it was a trend. And they bought American!
‘CAUSE DEATH NEEDED A BADASS FOXY MAMA TO KICK ASS IN FUR
Quentin Tarantino cried himself a river last week when Tamara Dobson, Cleopatra Jones herself, died from pneumonia and MS.
10/9/06
GOOD AND FUNNY FELLAS
The Departed opens at number one and this is a remake of a very successful Hong Kong film series called Internal Affairs. And initially I thought it was was very odd for Martin Scorsese to be doing an HK remake, even it was a actually a critically acclaimed film, not your usual Jackie Chan/Jet Li wires and martial arts insanity. I later found out why and we’ll get to that, but when you have Marty, you get anyone, so Leonardo DiCaprio, Matt Damon, Jack Nicholson, Mark Walberg (who is rumored to have had a longtime feud with fellow Bean-town resident, Matt Damon), Alec Baldwin and Martin Sheen all turn up for this. Looking for all-star women? Don’t hold your breath. No matter what that Entertainment Weekly article said, Martin Scorsese is not big on the chicks. He makes movies about men and usually in a very manly matter, meaning women may be part of the story, but they are rarely ever the story itself. I never saw the Hong Kong original, so I went into this fresh…and was it a comedy? Because this is one of best comedies I’ve ever seen. I’m thinking it wasn’t but when Scorsese saw it, he thought, “I’m gonna have so much fun with that fucking thing...” Yes, I know you’re confused, but there’s no way in the world this was meant to be a serious crime drama. It’s farce on the highest level and while there are definitely elements of a more serious film, it’s all pushed at such a high octane level you can’t possibly take it seriously. And the last shot, the last totally over-the-top shot, confirms it all. There’s no other reason for it other than for Martin Scorsese letting even the slowest person in on the joke. It’s a farce from the beginning with a huge red herring opening scene, hinting at possibly commenting on the racial strife in the city, but abandoned immediately. Somewhere Al Pacino is pissed because Jack Nicholson is not only doing his style of scenery chewing with total gusto, but without yelling, making it much more fun to watch (“This is not reality TV!” he bellows at one point, but keeping straight face, showing how good an actor he really is). Matt Damon is recruited by Nicholson from childhood, while Leonardo DiCaprio is the father of one man who refused to work for Nicholson, but the nephew of one man who did. This makes his entrance into the mob a little easier, but the films second biggest joke is how no one can tell DiCaprio is the informant despite him being the youngest member of the crew, the newest member of the crew, the smartest, the one WHOM EVERYONE KNOWS ACTUALLY ATTENDED POLICE ACADEMY, the one who is constantly stressed out and on edge and the only one WHO NEVER ACTUALLY DOES ANY KILLING! Like I said, he’s so obviously the rat, it’s a joke that no one knows and it leads to an utterly insane conversation with Nicholson, which could have been in another language and still made more sense. Alec Baldwin has taken to comedy like a fish to water over the last few years and this movie is no exception. Supporting him in this is Mark Walberg, as a foul-mouthed cop who never stops with angry one-liners. Ironically, only Anthony Anderson (who allegedly has a history in comedy though I’ve never found him funny) doesn’t make a joke. Well, neither does Martin Sheen or Vera Famiga, who is here with all her Slavic hotness intact, as the state psychiatrist who initially dates and becomes engaged to Matt Damon, but also becomes involved with Leonardo DiCaprio on the side after initially treating him (because it’s a established fact women cannot resist a totally fucked up guy). Now supposedly this is another Oscar attempt by Scorsese, but like a true artist, Scorsese cannot suppress his instincts in order to do what Hollywood wants him to do in order get the Oscar. He won’t make the protagonists of his true-life films like Goodfellas, Raging Bull or The Aviator into likable people in the end. And if you’re looking for a clean cut “good guys win” ending here, please hold your breath and remove your moronic presence from the theater, because it ain’t gonna happen. But most of all, Marty won’t cut the blood and the last half hour of this is bullets and brain matter all over the place. Marty, if you’ve got better things to do on Oscar night, save yourself the cost of a tux and do ‘em, because the same blue-hair farts who were frightened away by the brilliance of Goodfellas aren’t gonna get this either. Me, I loved it.
BUT THEY DO KEEP A CERTAIN TYPE OF IDIOT OFF THE STREETS FOR 90 MINUTES Texas Chainsaw Massacre: The Beginning opens at number two and the snuff-film trend currently ruling horror films continues unabated. And that’s what it is. It’s not about being scared. It’s about watching young people die in a protracted and horrific manner at the hands of insane people. Odd how the supernatural films don’t rely so much on the blood and gore, but when it’s people killing people, break out the corn syrup and the red dye number two. If more talented people made these films, I’d say it was some sort of meta-textual commentary, but they aren’t, so I won’t. BORGASM Open Season is down to number three, followed by Employee of the Month opening at number four and Dane Cook is not funny and if you think he’s funny you’re either 14 or an idiot (it’s no mystery why his fanbase sprung from his myspace page). In fact, he’s what you’d get if Ryan Reynolds were less attractive and unfunny. Not that I would have seen this film if he were in it either, but he would have been a better choice. Honestly, if they recast this movie it might have been something to amuse me, but no one even remotely appealing is in it. Andy Dick? That creepy bastard Harland Williams? Dax Shepard? And Jessica Simpson is totally wrong for this role. Ironically, Ryan Reynolds’s previous co-star, Amy Smart, also would have been better suited for it (so Black actresses aren’t the only people losing work to inappropriate music stars). A store clerk shouldn’t look like some pin-up fantasy. She should be more down to earth possibly just a freaky as the guys chasing her. And how the hell can you make movie set in a Costco type of environment and not make it a satire? BECAUSE IT’S ALL ABOUT COMIC BOOKS. ALWAYS. The Guardian is down to number five and what happens when leading men get older but lose their box office appeal? Their worst nightmare: they’re forced to work with women their own age. In this case making an appearance to support another leading man who wouldn’t have her around if he were bigger, is Sela Ward. But like most women of a certain age who support older actors, she is a former model. Geek connection: in an episode of Batman The Animated Series (one of the later episodes when the animation became sleeker and more stylized) she played the villain known as Calendar Girl, who was an ex-model bent on terrorizing the fashion people who’d driven her out of the business as she got older, which resulted in her getting unnecessary plastic surgery which scarred her. The twist: under his mask she was actually still beautiful, but in her mind she was hideous. DUH-DUH-DUH! IT DIED AROUNG ‘04 Jackass Number Two is down to number six, followed by School For Scoundrels at number seven and does this herald the return of Ben Stiller to the big screen? He’s been relatively quiet for the last year after seemingly appearing in every other film for the longest time. Let’s hope his age and new fatherhood make that kind of work schedule impossible to repeat (granted, it doesn’t stop Nicholas Cage from crapping movies out three or four times a year, but I can dream can’t I?). The days when I loved Ben Stiller are long gone. He killed my love with his “theater of pain” where he had to be tortured and humiliated in every film. THE REST Gridiron Gang is down to number eight, followed by Fearless at number nine and The Illusionist closing out the top ten at number ten and for those of you who have forgotten: Edward Norton is an arrogant prick and Jessica Biel has an amazing ass (for a white girl). IRONICALLY, CHASING AMY FITS NOW MORE THAN EVER I’m still thinking of moving to England where they understand the importance of polite bullshit, because you people simply don’t get it. Recently, I mentioned running into Chasing Amy and her boyfriend in the offices of the real estate agency where I work. I made polite conversation and gave her my card and that should have been the end of it. If I did the same for Lord and Lady Douchebag, they’d almost immediate destroy the card upon entering their carriage, just as I’d disregard their invitation to come to dinner at their estate in Manchester one day. No, not her. Chasing Amy contacted me. But it’s my own fault, because years ago when I asked her out and told she had a girlfriend, I said we could be friends and she hopped on that too, when every man woman and child over the age of 13 knows “Let’s be friends” means “If I can’t see you naked, I’d rather you stay the hell away from me.” So this is how I wound up at her apartment in a mutual viewing of our short films, both borne out of the behavior of crazy people who thought they were in love. In her case it was a bi-polar co-worker who decided to stop taking his meds and fixate on her. In my case, I was the crazy person annoying some poor woman (though being too lazy to actually pursue anyone, I limited my declaration of devotion to a single email, accepted my rejection and pretty much never bothered her again). Her film, borne out of a semester at the Film Academy of New York, wasn’t bad and cathartically she killed her unmediated pursuer at the end of her film. After this we wend to dinner where she told me that her current place in life was a result of none other than Tony Robbins. Yes, I know what you’re thinking: “Just how does he find these women?” I don’t know. It’s a gift. I can’t say I was too surprised. While I’m no Batman, I did notice a set of motivational/self-improvement DVDs in her apartment, the kind that don’t come cheap, so it served to figure that she’d hooked up with one of the big boys. And like most of the people who do those things, it came at the end of an unsatisfying relationship. In this case the emotionally abusive nutjob that also drove me away. In fact, she now claims that it put her off women forever. Yeah, right. No offense to her boyfriend who seems like a very mellow guy, but if every person who ever had to deal with a crazy man/woman and swore off pussy/dick actually did it, humanity would have stopped with Adam, whose first wife, Lilith, refused to be on bottom and subsequently ran off and started giving birth to demons to plague mankind. Now that’s crazy and you know he said “Bullshit” when it came time to meet that Eve chick. But he ultimately gave in and so have the rest of us. Still, it was also funny how she says men are better because they’re such low maintenance. As Chappelle said it’s pretty much, “Make a sandwich, play with his balls and don’t talk too much.” Compared to what she’s been through, I can see her point, but a crazy girlfriend isn’t as likely to make you part of a murder suicide pact like crazy boyfriend. But I didn’t bring that up. The same way I resisted saying “I told you so” about her crazy ex. Yes, I was a bit of tool for not hanging in there and trying to see her through it, and my refusal to do this for most of my friends means I’ll probably end up alone with nothing but my three thousand action figures to keep me company, but I’ll still be right and that’s all that matters. Isn’t that right, Special Limited Edition Silver Age Superman figure?
WHEN MY TIME COMES IT’LL BE THE THEME FROM MIAMI VICE Death continues to build her band and spare the rest of us tired reunion tours by taking the bassist of Bad Company, whose title song “Bad Company” sits as the companion piece to Marvin Gaye’s “Trouble Man” for middle aged men who like to drive around in their SUVs after dropping the grandkids off and play it loud. AGAIN, THIS IS WHY WE STILL RULE THE WORLD Did I mention that Brett Ratner’s mother came in to the comic book store? Yep, she did with young son number two and her idiot younger man-candy (which is redundant because why would you have man-candy your own age?)---while one of clerks wished valiantly for a time machine to go back and prevent her ultimate crime against art in the birth of her son (personally I’d go after Michael Bay’s mom and teach her how to use a condom, as he was born out of wedlock to a famous, married Hollywood person she screwed). But I see a lot of the older woman with money (and new very fake boobs) and idiot younger boyfriend in the store. Essentially they’re playmates for the kid that you get to fuck later. But you can tell women still don’t have the handle on this that men do, because the man-candy isn’t really that good looking. A man knows that when you say “fuck it” to society and appearances and only think about pleasing yourself, getting something nice to look at is one of the rewards. But to their credit, the kids seem to know that “mommy’s new friend” is a moron and pretty much treat them as such. THIS IS WHY THERE’S A KNIFE FIGHT AT EVERY FAMILY REUNION
So I lost my wallet for the first time in my life. My dad took no small amount of pleasure in this when I told him (I had to; I keep a Georgia Driver’s License, so he’s going to have to mail it to me when they send the replacement), venting his anger at no grandchildren through his delight in my aging process (he laughed the same way when I hurt my foot and I’ll be damned if I tell him about my arm or my back). In truth, I dropped it in the cab because I was hauling two large drinks and a bag full of White Castle for Surrogate Sister who was PMSing and initially demanded both Popeye’s Fried Chicken and a housecall for an issue with her powerbook. She got the housecall, but Popeye’s was closed, so her hormones had to be sated with White Castle. I was also given the left-handed compliment that my beautiful Kenneth Cole boots were actually nice and not something “a middle-aged man wears to feel young,” letting me know what she expected from me and perhaps ripping my other boots (Cole-Haan and they’re fucking beautiful). This is why she’s family. Only family rips you like that even while pretending to compliment you.
10/2/06
FUNNY ANIMATED ANIMAL FILM #1289 AND COUNTING
Open Season opens at number one and no, it’s not your imagination that a funny animal computer generated animated film opens ever week and with this opening so well it means they’re not going to slow down as much as we’d hoped. They’re going to look at them and say, “Funny domestic animals like cows, no. Funny wild animals like bears, yes.” And who needed this more than Martin Lawrence who does the voice of the bear? This is his second trip to the children’s film ghetto this year and unlike Will Smith who did it out of whimsy with A-list stars like Angelina Jolie, Robert DeNiro and Renee Zellweger (making him the only major voice with no Oscar), Martin Lawrence does it with Ashton Kutcher, Debra Messing and Billy Connolly. Also it opens at about half of what Shark Tale did at the same time of year, so he’s not going to be able to turn down Bad Boys 3 should it ever come along. I will admit that Ashton Kutcher’s utterly goofy voice did make me laugh in the trailer and if any regular actor seems at home in animation it’s him, but still not enough to get me in there. No hunter vs. prey will ever be funnier than Bugs vs. Elmer so why even bother. Especially when the filmmakers obviously have never seen those cartoons.
PRODUCTION WAS SLOWED BY WATERWORLD FLASHBACKS
Opening at number two is The Guardian, throwing a very big hint towards Ashton Kutcher that maybe, just maybe he was right to pursue a career behind the scenes. Ironically, this is Kevin Costner coming a full circle from The Untouchables and making his Aging Leading Man/Young Leading Man movie, but in the older man role. And the clichés don’t stop there. Stop me if you’ve heard this one before: a Seasoned Professional is traumatized in the field by a loss of a buddy and becomes a teacher. One of his student is Talented But Arrogant and tests him at every turn, but in time learns the wisdom of his teacher (thanks in no small part to the love of a woman) and in the end they face the “The Event” as a team, where the Seasoned Professional banishes his demons and Talented But Arrogant becomes a man. There, I’ve saved you two hours of your life. And I mean two hours. Since this was directed by one of my favorite action directors, Andrew Davis (Above The law, Under Siege, The Fugitive), I gave it a thought, but this fucking thing is two hours and sixteen minutes long! Did they include every cliché possible? Is there nice guy who just can’t cut it and gets bounced? Is there an arrogant guy who hates that Ashton Kutcher is a natural? Is there a guy so destined to die, he’s wearing a red shirt from Star Trek? Is there a Black guy just there to be Black? I’ll never know until it shows up on cable in a year, but I’m pretty sure they are.
IF IT’S NOT DIRTY, YOU’RE NOT DOING IT RIGHT AND THESE GUYS ARE DIRTY
Jackass is down to number three and what’s scarier than this being a sequel is that there are women who find these freaks hot, so your wit, your education, your nice car and your good job are all for naught. She’s going home with the guy who peed on the red carpet (yes, Steve-O did jus that at the movie’s premiere), even if it means taking the bus.
FOUR EX-WIVES MEANS MAKING MOVIES LIKE THIS
School For Scoundrels opens at number one and how long is Billy Bob Thornton going to ride this comedic bastard train? Yes, he’s always good, but the movies rarely are. Pushing Tin wasn’t funny. Waking Up In Reno wasn’t funny. Bad Santa rode only its sheer determination to be tasteless. Bad News Bears was a needless remake and did anyone even see Ice Harvest? Yes, I know a name like Billy Bob lends itself to comedy, but there was a time this man was a pretty good dramatic actor. He’s got what they call “presence” and precious few people can claim that. But if Jon Heder dropped off the face of the planet tomorrow I’m pretty sure I wouldn’t even notice but might find myself smiling for no reason whatsoever. And what does it say about Jacinda Barrett’s career that the most notable thing about her was appearing Real World London a decade ago? And how the hell does she continue to make movies over other real actresses? Can you imagine losing either this role or the role in The Last Kiss to her? At least losing to a rapper or pop star makes business sense. That any regular on The WB got passed over for her is nothing less than a slap in the face.
QUICK! NAME AN XZIBIT TUNE!
Jet Li’s Fearless is down to number five, followed by The Gridiron Gang at number six and speaking of rappers taking roles, Xzibit is in this and did he really have much of a rap career before actually blowing up with Pimp My Ride? I think not.
MERRY CHRISTMAS, MEIN FRIEUND!
The Illusionist shows remarkable legs actually rising this week from eight to seven, while Flyboys shows nothing at all by dropping to number eight and apparently The Red Baron makes an appearance in this movie, pretty much guaranteeing I will see some of it on cable next year. Why? Well, I love Snoopy and for a brief time I was so into those Red Baron songs by The Royal Guardsmen (yes, there was more than once; they milked that cow good and dead), that I learned all there was to about him and wrote a report in school on him. Yes, I’ve been a geek since birth.
LIFE POST-CHARMED…AND IT AIN’T PRETTY
The Black Dahlia is down to number nine and what the hell is Rose McGowan doing in this? Actually, she’s much better suited to a femme fatale role than Hilary Swank ever will be. But like Hilary Swank, looks nothing like Mira Kirshner. Actually, she could have taken Mia Kirshner’s role because I’m a little tired of her in these sex victim roles she’s been doing since she first popped up in Exotica over a decade ago.
WORSE THAN ANIMATED FUNNY ANNIMAL FILMS
Finally, Little Miss Sunshine holds on to the top ten at number ten and with a $53M return on an $8M investment, you can be sure the stream of precious little indie films will continue nigh until eternity.
PEOPLE LET ME TELL YOU ABOUT MY BEST FRIEND/IT’S 27 INCHES AND LOVES ME TO THE END…
So the fall season continues and Ugly Betty may be my new favorite show. Based on a Spanish show, Betty The Ugly, it’s been reconfigured as a nice little Devil Wears Prada type of satire set in the fashion world with Betty as a girl from Queens and to their credit it looks like they did some filming in Queens as the rest of NYC. Betty’s even a grad of Queens College. It was a little hard watching her humiliation at times, but I give them credit for not being wishy-washy about and when they do add a little depth to a shallow character it’s in a not entirely unwelcome. Executive producer Salma Hayek even appears as a character in a soap opera they watch on Telemundo, but my favorite character is her can’t-wait-to-be-gay 10-year-old nephew. Because I’m a geek, it was a requirement that I watch Heroes and again I’m reminded how you normal people can stomach superpowers, but hate the whole costume thing. Yeah, because it’s so unrealistic on that FLYING GUY! But I liked it. I won’t front. It’s like a million comics I’ve read (complete with some artwork by the wonderful Tim Sale), but for a TV show about people with super-powers it’s pretty good. And yes, the Japanese guy with the teleportation powers is the best, mainly because he enjoys his abilities and isn’t miserable worrying about them like everyone else (also he shouts out to comic books, specifically X-Men #143, but is wrong in citing it as a Kitty Pryde time-travel story, when it’s actually an homage to Alien because the artist drew Kitty Pryde to look like Sigourney Weaver). Not new by any means is It’s Always Sunny In Philadelphia, which is the answer to the question “What if the crew from Seinfeld were even more self-obsessed and sociopathic?” The only reason these people aren’t flat out criminals is because they’re too lazy. But this is a welcome antidote to shows like Studio 60 where everyone is deep down inside good. And what other show would have a character pretend to be gay to get more tips tending bar, then wind up getting drunk and having a three-way with two men (one of whom is a 300-pound Black guy who slaps his butt in the morning and says, “How’s that ass feel?”)? It’s a nasty little show…and it feels good. But for all you geeks out there, not only has Robin finally joined Batman on this the latest incarnation of the show, but also there’s a Legion of the Superheroes show with Superman. Yes, in the comics it was Superboy, but since Warner Brothers lost their lawsuit with the Schuster family who have regained Superboy DC/Warner now refers to all youthful portrayals of Superman and “Young Superman” and never “Superboy” (before he went off to war Jerry Schuster, the co-creator of Superman, suggested a series about a teen Superman---because unlike all the other heroes Superman couldn’t have a teen sidekick---which was turned down but then stolen by DC in his absence, and after 70 years, many lawsuits and the help of copyright law, they’ve got it back and are now suing DC/Warner over Smallville, which DC/Warner swears isn’t Superboy in a way that only evil fucking lawyers could).
A PRETTY PICTURE FOR DEATH
Sven Nykvist may not be a familiar name to you, but if you’ve ever looked at a film and thought “Man, that’s beautiful” then his passing should hurt you, as he was thought of as literally the greatest cinematographer alive. The man worked with everyone from Ingmar Bergman to Woody Allen---which isn’t that much of a jump considering Allen worships Bergman. More notable is that he whored himself a bit in Hollywood by working for people like Nora Ephron and even did With Honors, that lame movie with a pre-McDreamy Patrick Dempsey in a supporting role. My favorite Sven Nykvist movie has to be The Unbearable Lightness of Being. I had the Criterion edition, but I let someone borrow it and never saw it again (needless to say, her name was “Jennifer”). This is why I don’t lend out my DVDs, people. Not even the porn. Also, gone, Danny Flores, who sang the words “Tequila” in the song.
SOME THINGS ARE JUST WRONG
A sex tape with Screech from Saved By The Bell? How obviously deliberate is this? And who would fuck this loser without money changing hands? Not even my basest curiosity will let me watch this. I mean, when that Mario Lopez gay tape comes I’ll take a look, but not this. And again I ask: this is the only ugly member of that cast and the only one to make a tape. Why? Don’t tell me they aren’t so vain they haven’t done it. We know they have. They probably even arranged better than average lighting. So why let it go to waste!?!