"What we need is hatred. From it our ideas are born." --- Jean Genet
SHE TOLD ME YOU HAD BURNED RUBBER ON ME….
The Fast & The Furious opens at number one this week, or as I like to call it, Point Break II: Hot Wheels. I’m not kidding. It’s Point Break all over again. Pretty boy undercover cop infiltrates gang, falls in love with female hanger on, finds himself conflicted when it comes time to take it down, plot holes too numerous to mention. Actually, it’s better than Point Break, but that’s not saying a lot (it’s also better than Driven and Gone In 60 Seconds, but that’s still a dubious honor). At least the leading lady is as attractive as the leading man, something you can’t say about the Keanu Reeves/Lori Petty combo (Tank Girl sent her career to its much-deserved grave). In fact, one refreshing part of all this is the fact that Paul Walker’s prettiness doesn’t go unnoticed by the characters in the film. I get a little tired of movies that have someone with freaking model good looks and no one mentions it. Especially when it’s actually a model playing a fucking nuclear physicist. Here, more than one commentary is made on how good-looking he is. Good thing too, because his acting ain’t taking him anywhere. On a lower scale of attractiveness than Paul Walker and Jordana "I’ve Stolen Demi Moore’s DNA" Brewster, but probably sexier is the Vin Diesel/Michele Rodriguez combo. Two people you wouldn’t want to fuck with in a bar (or bar with in a fuck) and I don’t know who’s scarier. Coming in third for prettiness is Rick Yune, former model, stockbroker and Olympic Taekwondo Team member. Is that not a nightmare of the guy your ex-girlfriend is now dating? Better looking than you, makes more money than you and can seriously kick your ass. Why he’s dating the butt-ugly Lisa Ling I’ll never know. Hopefully, he’s gay. The car action scenes (the only reason we’re here) are nice, but there aren’t enough of them. Sorry, I could live without little speeches where characters explain their behavior in a movie as dumb as this. Just give me flying bullets and burning rubber.
BEAVER. HAH! MADE YOU LOOK!
Doctor Dolittle opens at number two this week and I was going to see this, but then I remembered something: I hated the first one. Still, they get you with those ads with the talking animals. The one with the raccoon and the beaver is my favorite. Unfortunately, I’m sure this one makes the mistake of the first one: Eddie Murphy as the straight man. What idiot thought this was a good idea?
MAYBE IF SHE HAD THE ASS-PADDING I SUGGESTED?
So much for that franchise. Tomb Raider is down to three, suffering a massive drop of 58%. Has the curse of Best Supporting Actress hit her the way curse of Vanity Fair cover hit Heath Ledger (you don’t see A Knight’s Tale anywhere around here, do ya?)? It had a budget of little over $80-85M, and but take into consideration all the advertising and you’ve got at least $100M+ dropped for this, which means it needs something around $300M to turn a profit. Not gonna happen. It’s too slow and boring to take off overseas, whereas the non-stop action of the The Mummy Returns (non-stopping for characterization, non-stopping for pacing, non-stopping for anything at all) did as well overseas as it did here.
GET YO GEEK ON/GET YO GEEK ON…
Atlantis is down to number four and this will mean nothing to anyone who actually had sex in high school, but for the rest of us: Mike Mignola did backgrounds for Atlantis. Mike Mignola is a comic book artist, boys and girls.
HOW QUICKLY THEY FORGET?
Shrek is down to number five and is being used as an example of the threat Dreamworks now brings to Disney. Please. I’m loathe to defend the mouse, but one film does not a threat make. Has everyone forgotten the crapfest that was Prince of Egypt? The Road to El Dorado?
HE’S JUST A GIGOLO
Swordfish is down to number six and present with a small role is Tate Donavan, the man who fucked up not only Sandra Bullock, but Jennifer Anniston as well. How? Sorry, but he ain’t no action movie pretty boy and he ain’t no great actor either. Not that either one of them is Cindy Crawford or Meryl Streep, but as things have worked out, they’re A-List and he’s somewhere further down in the alphabet. Talk about bad judgement. Think he hangs out with Fisher Stevens (the ex-Mr. Michelle Pfeiffer) or just sits at home getting drunk, watching them on TV yelling out, "I fucked her! Her too!"
I’LL TAKE MOVIE ARCHETYPES FOR $100, ALEX.
Pearl Harbor is at seven this week and what’s left to rag on? Oh, here’s something: in how many movies have you seen a character who’s a gruff mechanic, always unshaven, always in dirty coveralls, always has a cigar in his mouth (despite the fact that he works in gas and oil all day) and wears a cap with the brim pushed up? Oh, and his name is usually "Gus." Now, how many times have you seen that character? If you see Pearl Harbor, you’ll add one more played by Tom Sizemore. And yes, his name is "Gus."
I’M SURPRISED IT’S NOT CALLED MOULIN BLANC
Moulin Rouge is down to number eight and I have one big, big problem with this movie. Does anyone remember Top Secret, from Zucker, Abrams, Zucker, the guys who made Airplane, The Naked Gun and Hot Shots? Well, in it they goof on the French by giving them names like "Latrine" "Crème Brulee" "Cordon Bleu’" and so forth. Needless to say, the Black French guy is named "Chocolat Mousse" which was pretty funny. Not so funny here is the Black French guy whose name actually is "Chocolat." And it’s not meant to be a joke! Too bad they don’t have an Asian character. They could have named him "Lemon." I say "him" because, as we all know, Asian females are always named "Jade."
GRASPING AT STRAWS
Evolution is down to number nine and I have to say, the best part of this movie---outside of the flying dragons---is the sight of Juliane Moore in white garters. Yes, that’s how bad it is when nice underwear is all that’s worth remembering. Sorry, but David Duchovny’s bare ass did nothing for me.
LET’S JUST PRETEND THIS DIDN’T HAPPEN
The Animal closes out the top ten at ten and the less said, the better.
MY GOD, WHAT HAVE I DONE?
So, I did it. I bought a Playstation 2…and immediately went into the worst buyer’s remorse of my life (and given how much I’ve spent on comics, that’s saying something). Can you blame me? Damn near $400 on a fucking game. Something that serves no other purpose than to keep me in my room alone in the dark, playing with myself. Granted, I’ve been doing that since I was 12, but it was always free before, and if not free, no more than the cost of a video rental, not $400 fucking dollars. And it doesn’t stop there. I have to keep buying games to make this thing worth the money I spent on it. See, it’ll never end! I have to keep spending money in order to justify having spent money! They aren’t making home entertainment! They’re creating addictions! Much to the horror of my fellow game players, I’ve decide to sell this sucker in a month if it doesn’t provide me with sufficient entertainment. I can’t deny it the graphics look great, but that’s not enough! Despite my best efforts, some degree of maturity has hit me and blowing money on things that serve a limited purpose bothers me now. It would be different if I’d reinvested that in my computer. I use my computer every day. But this…I can recall going literally months without touching my Playstation 1. Months! But that only cost $100. I spend more than that a month on comic books (and now tequila). So far, however, I’ve managed to find a certain degree of fun in Midnight Racing Club, SSX and my beloved Ridge Racer. Midnight Racing Club is street racing in major cities (there’s actually a Fast & The Furious trailer on the disc). The actually create decent replicas of New York and I assume London (it was only a rental, so I didn’t make it to other cities). In it, I was tooling around Manhattan at 150 mph. Up the FDR, the Westside Highway, through Rockefeller Center, Times Square, Central Park---you name it. Also, it comes with people who scream and jump out of the way when you go on the sidewalk. Also you can run them over, complete with bumps under your wheels. The details are great. It also comes with street traffic, including buses, taxis and cops who come after you. The only problem is you have to catch other street racers in order to race them (also my problem with the pretty, but boring, Tokyo Extreme Racing). In the words of Elvis, "I never looked for trouble/But I never ran." Here, they’ve got you looking for trouble. I’m not a short guy with a small penis who works out too much, so looking for trouble is not something I’m good at. SSX is a snowboarding game that I though I’d hate, but not only is it gorgeous, but addicting as hell. I may buy this one. And I bought Ridge Racer V on ebay for about $20. It looks great (though it lacks the great theme song IV had)I and I loved Ridge Racer IV, so this will either make or break my desire to keep the PSX2. Pray for me.
AWAY WITH THEE, VIRGIN!
So, I’m renting PSX2 games in my local video store and this geek starts talking to me about them; what games he likes, what games he doesn’t. I DON’T GIVE A SHIT! This always happens to me. Geeks are lonely. They’re looking for friends; much less a chance to be friends with their king (that would be me). But I hate my people. Yes, I wear a Superman shirt in public, and yes I could probably pay off my student loan if I sold my comic book collection, but that doesn’t mean I want to be your friend, dweeb! I quickly rented my game and got the hell out of there, dashing his hopes that I’d want to get together and play or exchange games or talk about girls and had I ever kissed one and what was it like? Sigh. Damn geeks.
LOVE, JUSTICE LEAGUE OF AMERICA STYLE
Though I like wearing my Superman shirts, it can get tiring. The kids don’t bother me. If you want a kid to just come up and start talking to you, be a grown up in a Superman shirt. It’s the drunks and homeless guys and the other losers who just feel compelled to yell out, "Hey, Superman!" In any case, though I wore it most of Saturday, when I headed out to get some food that evening, I decided to change. This is when I ran into Wonder Woman. Or should I say the gorgeous woman in the grocery store in the Wonder Woman tank top that she nicely filled out. The one time my geekness will do me some good and give me any number of great opening lines ("We missed you at the meeting. Batman asked about you."), and I go and blow it. Instead, I just look like some idiot staring at her tits, when I’m probably the only man in the world actually looking at the shirt. Sigh. Is it any wonder I’ve started drinking so much?
AND I’M TAKING YOU ALL WITH ME!
So another bottle of tequila has died in my house this week. The scary part is, the more I make, the better I get at it. As I’m on a seeming path of self-destruction (alcohol, expensive toys) I’ve decided I’m not going alone. I talked Fitness Woman into blowing off her workout (with a personal trainer/bodybuilder no less) and spending the evening with me drinking margaritas, eating tacos and watching movies (Toy Story 1&2). Through her I’ve discovered a valuable bit of information: if you make a woman dinner and give her enough booze, she’ll not only watch The X-Men with you (she didn’t want to see it, but that was when she was sober), but play your video games as well. Where the hell was this information when I could have used it in high school!?! God knows there was never any shortage of booze in my house. Hell, there was booze and pot in my house. It should have been party central, but nooooo, I had to spend my time collecting comic books and sharpening my wit. Heavy, heavy sigh. So now I’ve got a DSL, PSX2, DVD and a blender. The summer of the shut-in has begun and you’re all on my list to visit. You’ll leave drunk, fat and socially retarded. Who’s next? Heh-heh-heh.
REAL DUMB WORLD
The Real World 10th Anniversary Special. Why did I do this to myself? These people are even lamer now than they were before. I only respected those who didn’t show up, like my fellow Alabama girl from the very first show, which clued you in to just how bad it was going to be. And who knew that one dipshit actually earned a million dollars from The Grind to steal!?! Just how fucked up are we that we make celebrities out of ugly, boring people for just being themselves!?! Thank god my sister had the sense to turn down that Black guy from the first year when he hit on her, thus saving me from opening a special case of southern-fried whoop ass, ‘cause no one stupid enough to ever say "Black people can’t be racist," is dating my sister.
FUN TO WATCH, BUT THAT’S IT
The Last Seduction has been on cable recently and I’d forgotten just how great that film was---and how hot Linda Fiorentino still is. But psychotic women in New York are only fun to watch in the movies. In real life, coming home to a closet full of shredded clothes isn’t that interesting. Funny how times have changed, though. Linda Fiorentino is now countersuing a film company that sued her, saying she caused their film to implode when she refused to do nude scenes. She charges her contract specifically forbid them. That’s funny coming from someone who once did a sex scene against a chain link fence.
AND DIFFERENT STROKES BEGAT FACTS OF LIFE…
Caroll O’Conner is dead so let’s run it down, folks: From All in The Family came Archie Bunker’s Place, Gloria, 704 Hauser Street (All In the Family with an all-Black street) The Jeffersons and Maude and From Maude came Good Times.
MY MONEY’S STILL ON KATHERINE HEPBURN
Caroll O’ Conner and John Lee Hooker. Where’s number three?
INFIDELS, ALL OF YOU
Is there any debate over the fact that Stevie Wonder, despite crap in the 80’s, is a musical god? Why then, on the VH1 Rock To Erase MS did I see people in the audience just sitting down, emotionless in the front? You just know those fuckers were rich, corporate types who knew somebody. And what was with those rhythm-free models dancing (and I use that term loosely) onstage?
I SCREAM, YOU SCREAM, WE ALL SCREAM FOR ICE CREAM
Okay, that picture. Yes, I did go to the prom. Why? I don’t know. I think her name was Tamra. All I really remember is the shock of finding out she had a two-year-old son (which would make him 19 now). I met her at my part time job at Six Flags Over Georgia. Our one and only date was the prom and with good reason. The only thing worse than dating a teen mother is looking at her close one day and realizing SHE LOOKS LIKE YOUR MOM! Actually, that ice cream suit I’m wearing is more gray-silver, but it looks white in the photo. And that was during my "I’m not smiling in pictures" phase. I can’t believe more people didn’t want to kick my ass. Had I been the photographer, I would have kicked my ass. "Smile, you punk!" Anyway, we had a miserable time, but in that dumb suit, it was pretty much guaranteed.
6/18/2001
"My problem lies in reconciling my gross habits with my net income." --- Errol Flynn
INDIANA JONES IN THE MASONIC TEMPLE OF DOOM
Lara Croft: Tomb Raider opens at number one this week and boy does it suck. It commits the ultimate sin of any dumb action movie: it’s boring. Given that the Lara Croft character is an obvious rip-off of Indiana Jones, you’d think the makers of this might have taken a look at Raiders of The Lost Ark to get some idea of how to make a film in that genre. The action scenes are few and far between and even when they occur, they’re dull. Hell, I think even the television rip off "Tales of the Gold Monkey" (starring Perry King or was it Bruce Boxlightner?) was better than this. King of The Geeks, I may be, I never played Tomb Raider. I tried, but was bored instantly. I like games that involve cars with guns strapped to them (don’t know what that means, only that it’s good that I don’t drive anymore). In any case, I’m still aware of what made this game work for the lonely, pathetic geeks who played it: an animated Barbie doll with guns. Her insane proportions would’ve meant nothing if she hadn’t been heavily armed. As sick as it sounds, Angelina Jolie’s breasts weren’t considered large enough for the role, so they put an enhanced bra on her to make them bigger. My only question is: if you’re going to do that, why not an enhanced pair of short to give her the illusion of hips and an ass, because otherwise she’s built like a 14-year-old boy. If you notice, the newspaper ads have been doctored to do just that. Now that’s just sad. The plot vaguely resembles Raiders of the Lost Ark in that she’s racing evil men to achieve an ancient object of power. In this case, however, it’s not Nazis, but perennial conspiracy theorist favorites, The Illuminati. What? No one’s afraid of The Masons anymore? Depending on whom you talk to, The Illuminati are an ancient secret society of good or evil. In this movie, they’re very incompetent bad guys. There’s even a doppelganger of Indiana Jones’s rival archeologist. In this case he’s got the lowest bodyfat of any archeologist in history. We know this, because, like Lara Croft, he gets a shower scene, only his is much more revealing (given that he’s only beefcake, I can’t believe they didn’t get someone better looking). My favorite butt-kicking archaeologist remains Rachel Weisz in The Mummy Returns. Not only is her English accent real, but her climatic fight scene is better and she actually has hips.
WE ARE THE WORLD/WE ARE OFFENSIVE…
Atlantis: The Lost Empire goes wide and enters the top ten at number two. Continuing with Disney’s never-ending attempts to be politically correct and simply contributing to a new type of stereotypes, are the crew of the ship that goes to Atlantis. We’ve got your Dirty Frenchman, a "wattsa matta you" Italian voiced by Father Guido Sarducci himself, a Puerto Rican girl straight outta The Bronx and the Black doctor who’s big, strong and smart. Now this sounds good in theory, but remember this is taking place in 1914. I’m sorry, how many little Jennifer Lopez types were running around then? And the Black doctor is typical of Hollywood’s feast or famine attitude towards minorities. Either you’re a typical drug dealer or you’re a perfect doctor or lawyer. Nothing in the middle.
CLOSE, BUT NO CIGAR
Shrek is down to number three, denying Jeffrey Katzenberg the pleasure having his month old film beat out Disney’s first week film. Like I said before, Atlantis is aimed squarely at preteen boys, so it’s not going to do Shrek numbers, but I laughed more during the trailer for Disney’s Monsters, Inc., than I did all through Shrek, so this fall will settle up all scores for the mouse.
GIMME THAT FUNK, THAT SWEET, THAT FUNKY STUFF
Swordfish is down to number this week and Drea DeMatteo (yet another NYU alum) is also in this as Hugh Jackman’s porn star ex-wife, but doesn’t reveal an inch of skin. Let me get this straight: Hugh Jackman is a hacker, but we see him shirtless. Halle Berry is a gangster’s "Girl Friday", but we see her topless. Drea DeMatteo is a porn-star and we see nothing. What’s wrong with this picture? Hugh Jackman and Halle Berry are pretty enough, but when it comes to balls out sexuality, nothing beats a foul-mouthed girl from Queens who doesn’t wear underwear. Why the hell do you think I moved here?
BANZAI!
Pearl Harbor is down to number five this week and has yet to break even at $160M. Like all modern war films it resists demonizing the Japanese and tries to show them with a little empathy and nobility, effectively wasting two of my favorite Japanese actors, Mako and Cary Hiroyuki-Tawkawa. Mako everyone knows. He was the wizard in Conan The Barbarian and has appeared on every single television show that every required an old Asian guy. Needless to say, his most recent appearances were Walker Texas Ranger (makes sense, as he played Chuck Norris’ teacher in An Eye for An Eye) and Martial Law. Cary Hiroyuki-Tagawa has had a similar history. He’s kinda ugly, so if you need an Asian bad guy, he’s your man, having played the heavy in Art of War, Mortal Kombat and Big Trouble in Little Tokyo. He also played a more sympathetic role in Rising Sun (guess what? Mako was in that too). Here, they lead the attack against Pearl Harbor. I personally don’t see the point of a balanced portrayal in such a rah-rah, "America-is-number-one" film like this. Why not just take it to edge and demonize the enemy? I would have gone for the lowest common denominator possible. I personally would have hired every Asian midget in Hollywood and had them run naked with erections through Pearl Harbor, wearing only rising sun headbands. Then, I could have them gang bang James King until Ben Affleck, Josh Harnett and Cuba Gooding Jr., showed and drove them into the Pacific with just one flash of their much larger American penises. But hey, that’s just me.
CAN’T WORK UP THE PUCKER TO SPIT
Evolution is down to number six and this movie is so mediocre it can’t even inspire enough bile to be properly dismissed.
WHERE’S LENOARD NIMOY WHEN YOU NEED HIM?
The Animal is down to number seven and I’m still trying to figure out why this even exists. It’s right up there with the Bermuda Triangle in terms of mystery.
BUT WHERE’S "I WANT YOUR SEX"?
Moulin Rouge is down to number eight and every one involved in the marketing and promotion of this film needs to be fired. First, they miss its bullet by releasing it a week after its biggest buzz (Nicole Kidman’s Oprah appearance), then they release a music video a month after that. The video is the "Elephant Love Medley" which is the scene where Ewan McGregor first meets Nicole Kidman and they fall in love. In this one five minute sequence you get dialogue and music using "Silly Love Songs," "Love Lifts Us Up Where We Belong," "Heroes," "Don’t Leave Me This Way," "I Was Made For Loving You," and "Your Song." Had this come out a few weeks before the movie, it not only would have piggy-backed the success of "Lady Marmalade" but would have promoted what the film was truly like more than anything else. Again, they blew it. Too bad too, because it’s an entertaining way to spend two hours. Not great, but entertaining. And so the musical remains part of Hollywood’s past.
THE REST…
What’s The Worst That Could Happen gets its just desserts by dropping to number nine followed by The Mummy Returns at number ten. I guess this clears the way for Brendan Fraser to make another series of failures before either George of the Jungle II or The Mummy 3. The sad thing is, none of his movies were truly bad (Blast From The Past, Bedazzled, MonkeyBone---okay, maybe MonkeyBone), just mediocre, but sometimes that’s worse than bad.
NEXT WEEK, THE CAST OF THE GOLDEN BOWL
Apparently the theme of MTV’s Cribs for the summer is the casts of the big summer movies. First it was the cast of Swordfish, and now The Fast & The Furious. First we go to the beach house that Jordana "Demi Moore’s Second Coming" Brewster rents and then a beach house that Paul Walker rents. At least I hope he rents it, because in the course of the episode, he demonstrates how to break into it (of course, he could just be another dumb pretty boy). Um, what’s the point in showing a rented house? That tells you nothing about the person living there. Though I must give Jordana Brewster props on having a margarita machine (especially when I think she’s still under the legal age). I’ve recovered from my drinking experience and am once more ready to enter the game. Ja Rule also shows a rented home, but in this case it’s a rented mansion in Miami where he’s throwing a party. Now that makes sense. Never throw a party in your own home if you can afford it. Rent a place complete with insurance and let your sorry-ass friends go crazy. Later, Jay-Z pulls up in a fucking yacht. Sigh. Maybe it’s not too late to start that band. Michelle "Girlfight" Rodriquez and Vin Diesel are also at this party. Michelle Rodriquez is too fucking real. After seeing her in numerous interviews and now this, I don’t think she could be fake if you paid her. She too is yet another example of the Tri-State area women I moved up here for (Jennifer Lopez used to be one, thick eyebrows and talking shit on Letterman, but now she’s just another plucked blonde). I found it funny that all the minority members of the cast were at Ja Rule’s party. Yes, this includes Vin Diesel. He’s Black, people. Trust me on this. If he ever let his hair grow out, you’d see another light-skinned brother. Now, Jordana Brewster is a Latina (mom’s a model from South America) but she thinks she’s a White girl, so you know she won’t be caught dead near anyone who’d start speaking Spanish to her. And Paul Walker goes without saying, California Golden boy that he is (Pretty Blonde White Boy + Ugly Drunk Rappers = Dead White Boy). Can’t we all just get along---and get drunk together at a party in Miami?
SKANK-O-RIFFIC
Just when you thought the bar couldn’t be set any lower for a woman being a hoochie in a video, along comes Mariah Carey. Will someone please tell her that she’s 30 and this won’t work anymore!?! Same thing as always: sample an 80’s song, squeal over it and bring some rappers to try and actually make it interesting. And the get ups...the best I can say is that at least her stomach isn’t jiggling around anymore. Why do women with flat asses parade them so? Having her shorts ride up until you can see her ass cheeks hanging out maybe nasty, but quite frankly, you couldn’t find that thing any other way. It’s not so much as ass as much as a lower back with a crack in it. Supposedly, she tried to get her company (Virgin) to downplay her labelmate. The labelmate in question? Janet Jackson. Oh, yeah. Good luck with that one. Ladies, your time has passed. For every Janet, Mariah, Madonna, there’s a Christina, Britney, Mandy, Jessica and half a dozen others. A half-naked 30-year-old will always lose to a half-naked 20-year-old. It’s nature’s way.
IRONY IS A BITCH AND SHE CALLS YOU "DADDY."
Charlie Sheen’s 16-year-old daughter was just arrested for shoplifting. And so it begins. Like Barbara Bush, Martin Sheen is about to watch his son give what he got, but much worse, because men have no idea how to deal with rebellious daughters. Sons, you can kick their asses, but anything you do to control your daughter usually results in her being nicknamed "Party Favor" by the football team. In Charlie Sheen’s case she’ll probably wind up in Playboy, if not doing porn outright, just to give his torment just the right ironic twist. Kevin Costner’s pretty daughter should be about 16 or 17 now as well. It’s about time for her to pay daddy back cheating on mom.
GIVING GEEKS A BAD NAME
John Singleton claims that the reason he has four children from four women is because he was a victim of their predatory natures. That they came after him after the success of Boyz ‘N The Hood and he wasn’t ready for it, because he was a lonely geek in college who "would have dated the fat girl." Okay, letting the stupidity of ragging on the larger ladies go, who the fuck is he kidding? Being a pathetic geek (something I know a little about) has nothing to do with simple, fucking birth control. Having a comic collection so large you need a separate apartment to keep it, doesn’t prevent you from putting on a goddamn condom! No, dumbass, you have four kids from four different women because you’re an idiot so happy to get some, that you can’t see beyond your dick. He also says that only Tyra Banks loved him because she was the only one with a real job. Great, not only did you knock up someone, but you knocked up a bunch of hoochies. Pay attention to what Charlie Sheen is going through, because in about ten years, this will be your problem too. And take a look at Angelina Jolie and Mariah Carey to see the end result of not having a dad around for a little girl.
FATHER’S DAY II: THE REVENGE
Speaking of fatherhood, after years of hinting and telling everyone but me, my dad came right out and asked for grandchildren this Father’s Day weekend. It seems the children of my cousins aren’t doing the trick anymore. He wants his own genetic base to screw around with, as he doesn’t feel he can mess with minds of his sister’s kids. Mine, however, would be an open field of play. This is why I’m not married. I’m waiting for him to die to protect my children.
NOW IF I COULD JUST GET GABRIELLE REECE INTO A CHEERLEADER’S OUTFIT
Lucy Lawless in a pseudo-samurai get-up on the cover of the Daily News Television Guide is extremely hot. It’s almost enough to send me back to kendo---almost. I liked Xena more in theory than in practice. A comedian once joked that they should just call it his masturbation hour and I can understand that, especially when co-star Renee O’Connor got into the act, revealing a chiseled abdomen (something Lucy Lawless never, ever possessed). Still, I just couldn’t watch it. Despite my own Amazonian fantasies (remember my motto: "Take me, break me, make me a man."), and all the toned female flesh on display (apparently, mini-skirts, hot pants and midriffs were all the rage in women in Ancient Greece), I couldn’t overlook the fact that Lucy Lawless and Renee O’Connor really can’t fight and all the stuntmen in wigs could hide that. Also, the fight scenes just weren’t taken seriously enough for me. Not to mention all that screaming and flipping just got on my nerves.
OUR NEW AMBASSADOR TO THE MIDDLE EAST: NELLY
Hip Hop Summit? Is this a joke? What the fuck are a bunch of rappers who can’t fathom the mysteries of birth control going to do about the ills of society? What next, a "Pop Summit?" N’Sync, Backstreet Boys, Britney Spears and others gather to talk about the image of corporate pop music and its sad dependence on pastels? Please.
THEORY OF RELATIVITY
Now here’s a theoretical situation: suppose you’re a man evolved enough to get a vibrator for your female guest. The relationship ends (the booze wears off, whatever) and you have a new guest. Do you:
A) Use the same one over again, hoping she realizes that someone sensitive enough to have it would also have the common sense to wash and bleach it?
B) Buy a new one (pocket rockets are only $20), because nothing makes her feel special like seeing you open that box just for her?
C) Keep the packaging and for each woman, reseal it and pretend you’re opening a new one just for her, because bitches are stupid?
Remember: this is all theoretical and has nothing to do with my life. I’ve got more important things in mind. I’m currently selling my old Playstation on Ebay to contribute to the purchase of Playstation 2. It’s unseemly for The King of The Geeks not to have the latest in socially isolating technology.
6/11/2001
"Drinking makes fools of people, and people are such fools to begin with that it’s compounding a felonly." --- Robert Benchley
HOORAY FOR BOOBIES
Swordfish opens at number one and it easily has one of the best openings in recent memory. In fact, if the rest of the movie equaled the first ten minutes of this one, it could have been great. Sadly, when you open at ten, it’s kinda hard to sustain the momentum and this, at best, manages to achieve a six. The plot is at once very simple, yet too convoluted to go into here. Suffice it to say, that it’s hardly worth the trouble it takes. Overall, it’s by-the-numbers modern filmmaking. Dominic Sena is a music video director/Ridley Scott pupil, so it looks pretty enough, but with no real feeling. Hugh Jackman joins Angelina Jolie and Ryan Phillippe as one of the prettiest hackers to ever be put onscreen (real hackers look like me, only plus or minus a hundred pounds). There’s something for everyone here, as he makes his first appearance wearing nothing but a towel (and who knew he was so tall?)! Less than an hour later, Halle Berry goes topless and I began to wonder if there was, in fact, a god. Sorry, but I’ve been waiting for this for a long time. One of my oldest friends took joy in every professional failure she suffered, because it brought her one step closer to this to save her career. Oddly enough, she does it when she’s been given a second chance, thanks to The X-Men and Introducing Dorothy Dandridge. This is followed up by an equally nice scene with her in lingerie holding a gun. And here I thought I was the only one with that fantasy. John Travolta does his charming villain thing again. Too bad it wasn’t in a better movie.
UNDESERVING
Shrek is holding at number two and this is threatening to become the biggest animated movie ever, which is a shame because it’s nowhere near as good as some of the Disney stuff, not to mention my personal favorite of the last few years, The Iron Giant.
PSYCHO ACTOR/QU’EST QUE CEST?
Pearl Harbor is down to number three and I can only guess that Cuba Gooding Jr., is now on path to play every "noble Negro" in American history. First Men of Honor and now this. What they leave out about the character he plays (Dorie Miller), is that the Navy took its own sweet time in giving him the Naval Cross. Also, he didn’t comfort his dying captain. The person who actually did is still alive. Think he’s a little pissed about being cut out entirely? Not to mention the fact that he showed Dorie how to work the gun. And don’t get me started on how he dodges the question as to whether or not Dorie actually shot anyone down. But this is full of bullshit history. Never, ever did FDR lift himself to his feet to make a point. Everyone associated with that scene should die a horrible death. And Alec Baldwin’s portrayal of Dolittle belongs in a comedy (which this almost is). A few months ago on Saturday Night Live, they did a skit about the captured pilots in China, with Baldwin as a psycho who tried to incite the crew into overthrowing the country. I swear he’s doing the same character here, with Dolittle vowing to crash his B12 into Japan and "killing as many of those bastards as I can." In fact, he’s been stuck on this crazy, angry character since the Lewinsky Scandal and he did it on Conan O’Brien, calling for Henry Hyde’s death. The more he does it, the more I begin to realize that it’s not a joke and just his real persona creeping to the surface. Pray that Kim Basinger gets sole custody.
EVERYONE KEEP YOUR DAY JOB. OOPS, TOO LATE FOR YOU.
Evolution opens up at number four and David Duchovny has sworn never to return to the X-Files. Well, never say never. This is just another dud on his list of big screen films (though not nearly as bad as Playing God). It’s as if Ivan Reitman tried to remake Ghostbusters, but without Harold Ramis and Bill Murray. Big mistake. What’s sad is that Duchovny is actually very funny with nice comic timing. It’s just that he needs a funny script and a director. He could easily take his deadpan delivery over the films of Hal Hartley and succeed there. Julianne Moore continues to coast on the goodwill of better performances, while Orlando Jones needs to stick to 7-Up commercials.
A BLESSING IN DISGUISE
The Animal is down to number five and the wonderful Jennifer Esposito complained about being beaten out for this role by this Survivor girl. Granted, you need work, but do you really want something like this on your resume? And what has being "the girl" in a slob comedy ever done for anyone’s career? Did Big Daddy help Joey Lauren Adams? Did the girl in Happy Gilmore even have a name? And does anyone realize that Sean Young was in Stripes?
MUSIC HATH THE POWER TO MAKE THE DRAWERS DROP
Moulin Rouge drops to number six and sadly continues on towards its destiny of being yet another film to be used by young girls in the future to determine the sexual orientation of young men. If he knows it and loves it, he’s gay. Sorry, honey. What’d you think? You met him in voice class. One thing the film does communicate is the power of a song. I’m always having epiphanies over older songs. Recently, Gladys Knight & The Pips’ "You’re The Best Thing That Ever Happened To Me" knocked me on my ass, when I realized what it was saying. Similarly, when Ewan MacGregor sings "Your Song" to Nicole Kidman, it’s no wonder she falls for him. If Elton John or Bernie Taupin told anyone that song was for them, they were guaranteed booty. Hell, if they told me it was written for me I’d…thank them and demand some of the royalties. In fact, for a week after I saw the film, all I could do was listen to that song over and over again. It’s easily one of the best they ever did and that’s saying something.
END ALL OUR PAIN
What’s the Worse That Could Happen is down to seven, hopefully bringing the end of Martin Lawrence’s career one step closer. Is it just me or is it scary that John Leguizamo has two films in the top ten?
THERES GOTTA BE AT SIX OTHER ATTRACTIVE WOMEN IN ENGLAND; HIRE ONE OF THEM!
The Mummy Returns is down to number eight and Rachel Weisz is swearing up and down that she won’t do a third mummy film. Fine, sweetheart. It’s going to be so difficult convincing Kate Winslet to accept worldwide exposure and a multi-million dollar paycheck to take your place.
THE END
A Knight’s Tale is down to number nine with Bridget Jones’s Diary closing out the top ten at number ten.
BUT WHERE’S AQUAMAN?
Atlantis: The Lost Empire opened in only two theaters in the nation and I was able to see it (I love New York!). I went to first show (9:30 Sunday morning) because I wanted to avoid any crowds. It’s not the kids, you see, but their parents that are annoying. One idiot grandfather or uncle kept asking if the kid had any electronic devices after the announcement said to turn them off. It wasn’t funny the first time, much less the seventh. This is how Woody Allen created his "Joey Nickels" character in Annie Hall. I kept waiting for the kid to sigh under his breath, "What an asshole." The movie itself is decent, though not one of their best. It’s pretty much a straight-ahead adventure movie with no songs. I didn’t mind, but I don’t see this appealing to little girls as it’s essentially about the male character who saves the day (though she is prerequisite Disney "spunky"). In fact, it’s a total geek fantasy because he gets the girl and gets to be a hero all because he’s smart, period. Needless to say, I look forward to owning my own copy on DVD (we’re up to 197 now---not counting the porn).
WHEN THE LUNATICS RUN THE ASYLUM
Not breaking the top ten is The Anniversary Party, written, directed and starring Jennifer Jason Leigh and Alan Cumming. It also stars all their friends, like Kevin Kline, Parker Posey and Gwyneth Paltrow, who play thinly disguised versions of themselves. Gee, can you say "gigantic actor circle jerk?" Another one I won’t be seeing.
THIS CAREER MADE POSSIBLE BY DU PONT, REDUX
I keep getting letters every month telling me that my subscription to Playboy is ending, but every month I keep getting the damn thing---which includes this month’s six hundredth appearance of Pamela Anderson. Jesus, who still wants to see this broad naked!?! Between all these Playboy layouts and her video, the only things left unseen are her internal organs. As much as I hate to admit it, she’s the perfect person for a David LaChapelle shoot. He likes to give things an artificial sheen and who better for this than an artificial woman? Despite my dislike for her, I have to admit the pictures are nice. Yes, she had herself re-implanted (in case you missed her post-Academy Award appearance) and yes, they’re bigger than ever. Also, she’s abandoned the need for pubic hair, which makes since, considering the emotional development of most of her male fans is about 11, which is pre-pubes.
RIDE, HE REPLIED
Madonna’s film for BMW is up on their site. Her husband, Guy Ritchie, directed it. For those of you who don’t know, BMW gave him a car for it, which he promptly gave to her. She was initially excited, until he told her she had to do a commercial because that was the deal he made. Oh, yeah. This marriage is gonna last. That said, this is the least of all the films for me. It’s not bad, but it just can’t compare to the others, though choosing a comedy angle was wise (not that the others were without wit—especially the Ang Lee film). Madonna plays a temperamental star that gets taken for a ride, literally. Even playing herself she’s godawful. Still, it’s the best film she’s made since Desperately Seeking Susan.
THE PRINCE IS DEAD
So Prince has become a Jehovah’s Witness, swearing off sexually charged lyrics and cursing. Thank god. Now I can stop trying to be a fan to this loser. It’s over! Someone please tell him the 80’s are never coming back no matter how much he bitches and moans about it. He’s just another has-been now, but easily one of the whiniest. I can’t believe he got two consecutive nights on The Tonight Show. Must be some thirtysomething doing the booking, because no fans of Eminem or Britney Spears give a shit about him. Even worse is his constant complaining about how the record companies rip artists off. No shit, Sherlock, but try to be coherent when you’re explaining it on national television. With his disconnected logic, he comes off like a conspiracy theorist even though he’s right! Sigh. It’s so sad. Dirty Mind is still such a great album to listen to.
SPEAKING OF DIRTY MINDS…
So I went to a sex party last week. Well, not a real sex party, but a party celebrating the first anniversary of Nerve.com’s print magazine. If you’ve never been to their site, it’s got some great photography and that’s about it (my favorite is the Peter Gorman "Apartment" series). I have no idea if the articles are any good, because I really don’t care about what other people think, sexually. And poetry? Please, may I die before reading another erotic poem. There’s also a personals section complete with pictures. (any rumors that I was there under the title "Big Dick McGee" are untrue and like Tom Cruise, I will sue you for your lies!). My friend, Movie Buddy ’98, is working at HBO and scored me an invitation, so I went along with Vassar Girl. I knew there was a problem when my friend told me to be there at 7:30 so they could film people in line. Only losers are on line, so that did not bode well for the future. Secondly, no decent sex party begins that early. The real freaks don’t hit the street until after 11:00. Then there was the staging of shots on the street to make it seem busy. Finally, there were the people in attendance. Mildly freaky at best, but what can you expect from a pretentious sex site that bills itself as "literate smut"(the closest thing to a celeb was the Old Boyfriend from the MasterCard high school reunion commercial)? Frankly, it’s too busy trying to be clever to be as dirty as it needs to be. If you can’t masturbate to it, it’s a failure as erotica, plain and simple. We adjourned to a bar to pass the time before they let us in (my second bar of the night, but that’s another story). Finally when we returned our earlier stamps got us into the express line, until finally we were in. Next big flaw: the place was lit like a trade show. There is nothing sexy about omnipresent fluorescent lighting. Without shadow there’s no way for people to hide their flaws and there was no shortage of them present. There was, however, an open bar, so we got some blue drinks and began to scout the room. More staged shooting going on. Huge close ups of two people dancing to make it seem like everyone was dancing. There was supposedly a booth where you could have sex, but they neglected to supply condoms or lubricant. Usually, free booze is enough to get strangers fucking (it always has been in the past) but not in a place so bright it could illuminate Hitler’s soul. Because this was New York, the majority of the naked flesh on display was male. Lots of well-toned boys in nothing but briefs serving drinks and collecting glasses. I saw only two women serving; one very thin and ashamed of her ass and one very muscular with no shame at all. There were also very thin, very blonde women promoting hair care products. There were "porno-blonde" if you know what I mean. That white-blonde hair that only porn stars and strippers seem to have. I’ve never really seen people like that in Manhattan, so I’m convinced they imported them from Jersey. They were also wearing jeans cut so low that there was no way there could be pubic hair present. Just as well, it would have been black anyway. One half of the Young Married Couple was also working there. She’d had the pleasure of frosting the windows all day. She too bemoaned the lack of a truly sexually charged atmosphere. In the end we all concluded that the place was actually filled with couples, ironically, all looking for a third to go home with. After a second drink of some sort of hard cider (which would prove to be my undoing) and a brief conversation with a woman with Heidi-like pigtails, but wearing a see-through flamenco type dress she bought in Edinburgh, Scotland, I returned to my first bar with Vassar Girl in tow.
DEAN MARTIN WOULD SLAP MY FACE…AND THEN TAKE MY DRINK
Maybe this alcohol thing isn’t for me after all. After briefly attending a co-worker’s goodbye bacchanal, I went to another bar, then to the Nerve party, then back to the bacchanal. That was a mistake. Actually, I think the blue drink and the hard cider were the mistake. All night I had been drinking Tanqueray and tonic (not the same as simple gin) then I had the blue drink and the cider and then back to T&T. I was fine going home (after watching a few drunken co-workers behave inappropriately, or at least attempt to), but once home it was another story entirely. As we all know, once you’re drunk, soft beds are bad, so it was lay on the floor for awhile. But what floor is better than the bathroom floor? For some reason, it never moves, so there was also time there. Finally, I crawled into the bathtub and tried to take a shower sitting down. Afterwards, it was back to my bedroom floor listening to sad songs to make myself sleep. Explanation: I am the worst sick person in the world. When I’m sick, the world is a black hole of solid misery. Needless to say, once I’m better that passes, but until then it’s Sade and Sinatra and everything in between (I have a two hour tape once made in the middle of heartbreak---very soothing). Because it was the bedroom floor and not the bathroom, it moved, which eventually led to nausea, then to the inevitable: worshipping the porcelain god. Then came the praying to Jesus, Vishnu, Allah, Buddha, Zeus---anyone who’d make the pain go away. My atheism was justified because none those bastards helped me. The next day was one of mostly pain and suffering and an inability to even keep water down. I had a briefly illusion of health while seeing Swordfish, but when I tried to eat that night, once again I was worshiping. The one bright spot about being sick like that is the instantaneous weight loss. I can’t remember the last time I was below 180 while healthy (before the knee injury, I think), but I achieved it this weekend. Of course, by Sunday, I was able to eat frozen waffles again, so the windfall was gone. Damned if you’re puking, damned if you’re not. And in the end, I wound up with a sore throat and the beginnings of a cold…in June. Heavy sigh. What next? I drink and body parts fall off?
SILVER LINING
One good thing to come from the night out: Vassar Girl saw Geroge Clooney once and informs me he’s no taller than I am. Granted, it’s not how he gets his booty, but I know some women who definitely care about that. And it explains why he keeps working with Mark Wahlberg, now doesn’t it?
EVERY YEAR A NEW LOW IS ACHIEVED
The MTV Movie Awards aired 427 times this weekend I and managed to finally get it all in small doses…Jimmy Fallon is obviously poised to be the next SNL star to break out and makes lots of bad movies…as a singer, Kirstin Dunst is a pretty good actress…Lil Kim is so pathetic, she’s impossible to mock…Christina Ricci was obviously compensated with a nice body and talent for what she didn’t get in looks. The idea that someone as pretty as Ashton Kutcher (who won a modeling competition) would want to kiss her was the funniest part of that whole bit…Cameron Diaz is just freaking scary. It would be a relief to find out she’s on drugs, because at least that would explain it all…Shannon Elizabeth following Toni Braxton in a desperate attention getting ploy learned at the feet of Jennifer Lopez, who could still give the two of them lessons in how not to make it seems so forced…Ben Stiller is funny enough that he should just accept the obvious hair loss…Gwen Stefani and Gavin Rossdale are still together. Damn!…Okay, Destiny’s Child as crossed the line from merely annoying to incredibly annoying. And aren’t you supposed to get thinner from being on tour? Beyonce is threatening to become her mom twenty years too soon. Stay away from the fried chicken!…Drea DeMatteo simply looks great…Zhang Ziyi is too cute for words. Too bad she’ll never have a career here…Another one compensated with looks is Halle Berry. The word is "injustice," dear. Just take your shirt off and smile.
I STILL MISS YOU, BIG PUN.
Puerto Rican Day Parade was Sunday, or as the NYPD calls it "No One Calls In Sick" Day. Once again am I glad that Black people don’t have an official day to embarrass themselves like this, and continue to choose the odd rally or stupid protest for that. Someone please tell me how making a nuisance in traffic, wearing a flag as a cape and dressing like a whore indicates pride? Given that every ethnic group has a day and a parade, why is it that only the Irish and the Puerto Ricans have fucked up like this (once again, if Black people had a parade, we’d leave you all in the dust and burn this city to the ground)? Is it the Catholicism? No, because the Dominicans and the Brazilians and the Italians don’t attempt gang rape or beat someone to death. So what is it: the lack of a proper home. I think it’s a lot of displaced anger over not being a state or a country for the Puerto Ricans and being unable to kick the British out after 1,500 years for the Irish. Especially for the Irish. You know it’s gotta be embarrassing when a pacifist movement in India can accomplish what you can’t do with guns and bombs. Then again, if you’ve ever seen the chaos of Fifth Avenue on St. Patrick’s Day and taken a whiff (does that piss smell like beer, or does that beer smell like piss?) it comes as no surprise why they can’t get their freaking country back.
AT LEAST THEY’RE HONEST
Minnie Driver commented that it’s harder for her to find work in LA than in England because everyone here is so beautiful and everyone there is so plain. Yeah, baby, and you’re one of the latter. And don’t think she’s not making calls to the producers of The Mummy. Still, I like Rachel Griffths enough to sit through Six Feet Under every week, even though it has yet to captivate me like every critic in the world. For me it’s too painfully aware of itself.
AND I CAN’T BELIEVE NONE OF YOU RECOGNIZED THAT PICTURE OF SARAH JESSICA PARKER LAST WEEK!
6/4/2001
"How wonderful it is to do nothing, and then rest afterwards." --- Spanish proverb
ONLY THE HIGHEST STANDARDS HERE AT ANGRY GEEK INC.,!
Pearl Harbor holds at number one, barely distancing the much cheaper, more entertaining, and much more profitable Shrek at number two. This has got to be sweet for Jeffery Katzenburg. No only does his movie take a few shots at his former employer, but they’re printing money over an animated film, while Disney is undoubtedly now looking for ways to write this puppy off. Aside from Michael Bay’s direction the biggest problem with Pearl Harbor is undoubtedly the lousy script, with its "let’s go Titanic one better by having two guys instead of one" aspect. It’s bad to be sure, but casting the smoldering Josh Harnett against bland, frat boy Ben Affleck is like casting your local news anchor against George Clooney. Not to mention the fact that Josh Harnett is easily prettier than any woman in the cast, especially James King. Jesus, what happened to the rule that models actually have to be pretty? Up until Kate Moss, models usually had to be prettier than the rest of us. That’s gone. Between Audrey Quock (proof that most White people can’t tell an attractive Asian from an ugly one) and this one it’s pretty obvious that all you need to be is tall and skinny and that’s it. And yeah, I’m including Gisele Bundchen in that list. That Taco Bell commercial makes it clear that she’s just getting by on being skinny with a rack, because extraordinarily pretty or shapely she is not.
DEATH TO US ALL! EXCEPT ME.
Opening at number three to almost twenty fucking million dollars is The Animal. Apparently, Rob Schneider has succeeded Adam Sandler as America’s favorite gross-out comedian. Twenty million. I’ll die before I see this, but I like its success because the self-appointed "Guardians of Taste and Cinematic Excellence" are no doubt appalled at this and continue their cries of the death of American film. Fucking pretentious pseudo-intellectuals. I hate them with a purity that can only come from the fact that I am one of them.
ACTUALLY, I’M TOO MUCH WITH THE DARK SIDE OF THE FORCE
Moulin Rouge finally moves into the top ten at number four and given that all the articles and interviews for it were published and aired two weeks ago, does anyone really care any more? Its bullet is gone. Fox blew it trying to build up a buzz first. The time to go was after the Oprah interview. All the angry divorced women were down to support Nicole after that, but they couldn’t find her movie. It’s over now. There’s a big summer movie coming out every week from here on out. It doesn’t stand a chance. Hopefully, this will dim Ewan McGregor’s continuing efforts to sing. First, The Velvet Goldmine and now this. I’m beginning to think that everyone in the UK labors under the delusion that they were meant to be rock stars the same way that every Black man in America thinks he can sing falsetto. Listening to McGregor flatten out every time he tries anything even resembling range is painful. I’m sorry, but there are actors out there who can sing. Believe it or not, Jim Carrey is one of them. His rendition of "And I’m Telling You" from Dreamgirls on The Larry Sanders Show was surprisingly good. Not that I wanted to see Jim Carrey in this, but is Ewan McGregor that much of a name that they couldn’t go with someone unknown with better vocal talents? To my knowledge he’s got Trainspotting and Star Wars: The Phantom Menace, the latter not counting because I could have played Obi-Wan and it would still have made the same amount of money.
THE CURSE OF BEAUTY
What’s The Worse That Could Happen opens at number five and the answer to that question is that this Martin Lawrence vehicle could have done even better. My god, does this not look awful? There was not one funny moment in any commercial or trailer that I saw. Even the premise seems contrived and stupid. Martin Lawrence as art thief? Please. Martin Lawrence can’t spell "art." And how long must the gorgeous Carmen Ejogo suffer by playing the girlfriend to these ugly comedians. She already played Eddie Murphy’s girlfriend in Metro. Who’s next, the odious Eddie Griffin? If that doesn’t make her quit, I don’t know what will.
CAN YOU SMELL THE MONEY THE ROCK IS MAKING?
The Mummy Returns is down to number six, but at almost $200M domestic alone, does it really matter?
THE REST
A Knight’s Tale is down to number seven, followed by Bridget’s Jones’s Diary at number seven and Angel Eyes at number nine.
AN EXAMPLE TO THE REST OF THE CLASS
Finally, still amazingly around at number ten is Memento, which the makers of Angel Eyes should have seen to learn how to properly do a film noir movie.
COME PARTY WITH THE SHUT-INS
No movies I wanted to see opened this weekend (I love Adrian Brody, but I’m not about to lose one second of my life in a film about unionizing office cleaners in California), so my friends and I had one of our movie nights, where the host cooks and we watch films all night. And drink. Did I leave that out? Usually, we try to make the cuisine match the film, as when I made lasagna and pasta salad for The Godfather, but since I was showing them The Mummy, I was at a loss. Egyptian food (or would that be Arab food) is beyond me…so I made tacos and margaritas from scratch. That’s right, scratch. I got lime juice and triple sec. The first batch was so strong we almost didn’t make out of the kitchen. The scariest part of it all is that the two bottles of tequila that I’ve had for over a year have now been drained in less than a week. Somewhere, Dean Martin is smiling. In fact, everything went so well, I may have to add it to my "Cooking For Sex" repertoire. Hell, Young Married Couple was so satisfied with it all, I fully believe I could have gotten either one of them into bed, if not both. After The Mummy, we watched A Bug’s Life and then I forced Lake Placid on them, to prove I was unjustly ridiculed for buying it. Yes, it’s bad, but it’s fun bad. I’m thinking the next time will be Asian-themed, given that Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon comes out this week and I’m looking to learn how to use my wok for more than just boiling pasta (hey, my Japanese roommate showed me how to do that, so you purists can go fuck yourselves). In addition to showing my friend, The Fitness Woman, Jurassic Park I & II the night before, I’ve concluded that this is the only type of social interaction of which I’m capable: in my own home. Mohammad isn’t going to the mountain, people, so you’ll have to bring it to him. But hey, he’ll make dinner. And drinks. Did I leave that out?
CRYING TO THE BANK IN YOUR DOLCE & GABBANA
Sex & The City premiered last night and creator Darren Star is gone so maybe it will start seemingly more like four single women than four gay guys (Sex & The City author, Catherine Bushnell complained about this at first---then she started getting her checks and dropped it quickly). It’s definitely showing the signs of its success with all the celebrity cameos (Heidi Klum, Margaret Cho, Alan Cummings, Kevin Aucoin, and even Ed Koch). Where were you fuckers the first season? Still, it just shows you that women can be even crueler than men to the protagonists. Sarah Jessica Parker waiting at a large table on her birthday for friends that don’t show was painful, but no so much as her trip on a modeling runway in the second episode. The latter was meaningful if you know that Sarah Jessica Parker herself has commented in interviews about her looks. The line "I know what I look like," comes directly from her in Interview Magazine. But I find it hard to feel sorry for her, since she simultaneously refuses to own up to the advantages of being a perfect size "0" but still having breasts. Why else do you think she appears nearly naked all the time? It’s like when stars bitch about fame but neglect to mention the $20M per film that comes along with it.
THE REAL WORLD 24/7, BUT THIS ONCE IN A BLUE MOON
I’m pissed. I came in late to a new episode of Cribs so I missed John Travolta’s segment with the cars. Still, I got to see Halle Berry and Hugh Jackman go shopping. Halle Berry is freakishly wonderful. She looks as thin as Sarah Jessica Parker, but with much, much larger breasts, hips and an ass. Hugh Jackman is taller than I imagined and totally fucks up the game of lesser men by being funny as well. Don’t get happy ladies, he’s happily married, so you’re still stuck with me and my ilk. You know, I’d pay to watch the two of them have sex. Why not? I maintain that if celebrities really want to make money for charities, they’d have sex with each other on pay-per-view. Hell, one of the few bearable moments in Pearl Harbor outside of the battle was the Josh Harnett/Kate Beckinsale hook up. Also on Cribs was uber-producer Joel Silver showing his Frank Lloyd Wright home. Who cares? First, it looked small and second, who gives a shit about ugly fat producers who once got Sharon Stone to sleep with them? I’m sure she didn’t do it for a film role, oh no!
LIFTING THE VEIL OF SHAME
Speaking of Pearl Harbor, John Frankenheimer is not Michael Bay’s father. Even though he admits to having a one-night stand with Bay’s mother and was once threatened with a paternity suit, he finally took the test and it came out negative. I’m sure it was Armageddon that prompted him to do it. He wanted to prove that this talentless fuckwit was not his offspring.
NEVER DOUBT THAT DIRTY OLD MEN RULE THE WORLD
Since no top ten is complete without some Brittney or Christina mention let’s examine what they’ve done to the lesser lights. Both Jessica Simpson and Mandy Moore are coming out with new albums and it goes without saying that they’re more sexually charged than before. For Jessica "I’m Not A Bad Girl, But I’ll Act Like One To Have A Hit" Simpson this is fine, but Mandy Moore is still only 17 and unfortunately, curve-free, making this morally wrong and just plain embarrassing. Taking it to a new high (or is it low?) is newcomer Willa Ford, who apparently is hated by little girls everywhere for once dating a Backstreet Boy. Please, you should pity her for that. Apparently, her gimmick is to look like a freaking porn star, eschewing any underwear or clothes that fit. Please, if it were that simple Traci Lords and Heather Hunter would have made it years ago.
PAYBACK ISN’T A BITCH; IT’S YOUR KIDS
I find it hysterical that Barbara Bush is laughing at her son over his daughters. Apparently, it’s payback time for the shit he put her through years ago. Of course, this is probably just a public front, but I’m sure on some level she’s sharing every grandparent’s wish that their kids get what they gave. I know my parents are wishing a drama queen on my sister, given what she’s done to them for years. I’m at the point where they just want them, period.
APPARENTLY SHE WAS ALLERGIC TO SHELLFISH ALL ALONG
So, Anne Heche is marrying a man. Gee, there’s a surprise. Please. The only surprise is that it took so long. Sorry, honey, but your shot at the brass ring is long gone, so any good this might do to your career is minimal. A whole new batch of kids is here and they’re actually good looking. Now, I love Anne Heche and was a fan long before the whole Ellen thing, but she needs to go back to indie films and give up on mainstream Hollywood. Yeah, I know you’ve got bills to pay, but it’s better to rule in hell, baby. Better to rule in hell.
NUMBER THREE ON OUR DEAD OLD ACTOR LIST. BYE-BYE , IMOGENE.
Anthony Quinn is dead and his wife, whom he betrayed for years, finally humiliating totally a few years ago by knocking up the maid, is no doubt dancing on his grave.
HE’LL BE DRINKING WITH JLO’S BOYFRIEND BY THE FALL
Winona Ryder is dating Jimmy Fallon. Yeah, for the next 15 minutes. Trust me, kid. There has yet to be born the comedian that a musician can’t steal a girl from. A quick wit is no match for a guitar lick or a lead singer. This is probably only happening because she found out the lead singer of Lighthouse is married. Still, it’s a wonder he didn’t dump his wife for her, because that is "The Winona Effect." Ask Minnie Driver, who is still pissed.
AND HOW WOULD HE KNOW HOW HITLER KISSED ANYWAY?
Normally, I’d put Tony Curtis’s insistence that he didn’t say that "kissing Marilyn Monroe was like kissing Hitler," down as revisionist history accept that he says the acutal quote was "kissing Marilyn Monroe was like fucking her," because of the way she used to grind against him. He’d know. He used to boink her a few years before they worked together.
ICH BIN EIN ACTOR!
Speaking of Hitler, The Conspiracy is the HBO remake of The Wannsee Conference, the story of the creation of Germany’s "final solution" based on actual transcripts of the meeting (because they kept such good records, don’t you know). Having seen the German version (which was made in 1984), I have no need to see a bunch of American and English actors do it with German accents. And what is this obsession English actors have with playing Nazis!?! They freaking love it! More Englishmen have played Nazis in movies than Germans. Is this their revenge for all the bombing 50 years ago? Get over it. You were on the winning side.
SAD
Finally having a reality show that I like, I was dismayed to see a crossover with one I avoided. The attractive with make-up blonde girl from Real World New Orleans turned up on Bands on The Run on Sunday when they went to New Orleans. Now, you’d think she’d be avoiding this since she’s failed to turn up on MTV since, suggesting a desire to leave it behind. Oh, no. Not only does she flirt with one of the ugly band members of the most annoying band (Soulcracker), but then does a little "sex talk" to demonstrate how to get on a reality show, as if that’s not exactly what she wants. Apparently she missed the camera more than she thought she would. How sad. In the immortal words of Tupac Shakur "..all I want is money/fuck the fame."