WARM AND FUZZY…LIKE MY ASS!
The Pursuit of Happyness opens at number one and if you ever doubted that Will Smith was an A-list superstar, doubt it no longer, because only an A-list superstar can have something with such a gooey center open this big. Me, I don’t watch Hallmark Hall of Fame movies on TV, so paying to see them is out of the question, I don’t care how good they are. A true story of a man who had nothing and triumphed against all odds…blah, blah, blah. Isn’t the holiday season already too full of this shit? Then again, if you want an audience willing to buy it---and apparently they are---then now is the time. Besides, when I saw the trailer, I saw too much Will Smith. The whole exchange about the car? That was the same guy from Men In Black and Bad Boys. I’m not saying dramas should make the Woody Allen mistake and be utterly without humor, but I saw an actor miscast for a role, trying very obviously to s-t-r-e-t-c-h. You wanna stretch? Play a supporting role as a bad guy. Playing a good dad who triumphs over all is not stretching. And you cast your own son as your son? Oh, come on. Somewhere Tatum O’Neal is shaking her head and saying, “No, no, no.”
I’M NOT A BOY GEEK/BUT NOT QUITE A MAN GEEK…
Eragon opens at number two and what happened to me? What happened to me that a movie about a giant dragon didn’t have me instantly in the theater? I know I haven’t suddenly grown up or anything like that. And it’s not my aversion to fantasy in general, because I was there for Dragonheart (where the dragon was played by Sean Connery and in a small role, my girl, Dina Meyer) and even freaking Dungeons & Dragons, but for this…nothing. First of all it’s that I know it’s from a book written by a 16-year-old, which was a massive hit. My jealousy has already awakened the fires of schadenfreude within me. A bestselling author at 16. Yeah, well since it was a book about fucking dragons we know it still meant he wasn’t getting laid. Probably spent his royalty checks on better computers so he could play more fucking fantasy games. And just how good a writer can someone be at 16 anyway? Next came the casting. The hero (who is actually Eragon, by the way) looks like something they pulled together from the DNA of Simon Baker (best known to many of you as the doomed gay kid from LA Confidential that Kevin Spacey wants to avenge, or the guy who seduces Anne Hathaway in The Devil Wears Prada) and there’s a reason he hasn’t made it as a leading man. His looks are…odd. Kinda handsome and kinda not. And now that I think about it, this kid actually looks like the lead singer of The Moody Blues. Either way, many fans of the book were disappointed by his casting. And while Jeremy Irons and John Malkovich are both in this, it’s obviously slumming for the money. And if they’re putting money first, why shouldn’t I do the same and just save mine? I’d say this would be something to watch on cable next year, but a budget crunch cause me to turn off premium services and I haven’t found the motivation to turn them back on. This isn’t helping.
HFS
Charlotte’s Web opens a number three and who’s bright idea was it to make a live action version of this. Don’t they realize this somewhat cripples the fantasy of it all BECAUSE SPIDERS ARE FUCKING HIDEOUS! I don’t care how nice Charlotte was, SPIDERS ARE FUCKING HIDEOUS! And they went accurate with the CGI so you’ve got this HIDEOUS FUCKING SPIDER talking with Julia Roberts’s voice. Needless remake + HIDEOUS FUCKING SPIDER + Julia Roberts = a movie I will never see. And the animated version was so great with Debbie Reynolds as Charlotte and Paul Lynde as Templeton (who got the role when original star, Tony Randall, was told he wasn’t nasal enough and Randall replied, “Then you should have hired Paul Lynde.”) Oh, AND THEY DIDN’T MAKE THE SPIDER FUCKING HIDEOUS!
STILL THE BEST WORK MEL GIBSON EVER DID
Happy Feet is down to number four and yes, this is from the director of the Mad Max movies, who has obviously gone touchy-feely in his old age---while his star, Mel Gibson went insane.
WE REMEMBER HER BECAUSE SHE WAS PURTY
The Holiday is down to number five and Shannyn Sossamon is in this as well. Remember her? She was the hot “It” girl for thirty seconds when Heath Ledger was the hot “It” boy and they actually made two movies together, the only one you remember being A Knight’s Tale because it runs on TNT every other week---and I’m there watching it because as far as background noise goes, you can do much worse. She was also paired with another “It” boy, Josh Harnett in a movie where he had a the haircut that made him look like he rode on the short school bus. Needless to say it tanked. I personally like her in The Rules of Attraction, but no one but me saw it. Next she’s going to be on the TV show Dirt with Courtney Cox and let’s hope it lasts because along the way she managed to become a single mom to a boy she named---and I’m not kidding---Audio Science Clayton. Do these people know that their kids are not pets? I’ve got ten bucks says the unknown daddy is a fucking musician who “digs” the name.
THE BEST? GOLDFINGER OF COURSE.
Apocalypto is down to number six, followed by Blood Diamond at number seven and Casino Royale at number eight and will a James Bond theme song ever be a hit again? I don’t think there’s been one since Duran Duran doing “A View To A Kill.” Before that there was a string of hits from “Live & Let Die” to Sheena Easton “For Your Eyes Only.” Even freaking Octopussy scored with “All Time High.” The first stumble was letting A-Ha do “The Living Daylights.” One-hit-wonder 80’s bands shouldn’t be allowed the honor. Both Duran Duran and Sheena Easton were very big when they got the call. “License To Kill” with Gladys Knight was actually pretty good, but mainly because it was a rip-off of “Goldfinger” as was “Goldeneye” with Tina Turner (written by Bono and The Edge). Sheryl Crow was past her peak when she did “Tomorrow Never Dies” and while I love Garbage, they had no reason to be doing “The World Is Not Enough.” What? Madonna doing a Bond theme? You must be mistaken. No such thing happened. I said, no such thing ever happened!!! Now, with Casino Royale they claimed to be “reinventing” but still make a classic mistake and go to a past-their-prime musician for an instantly forgettable song. This time it’s Chris Cornell, late of Soundgarden and the supposed supergroup, Audioslave, with something called “You Know My Name.” In all the success surrounding this movie, have you heard it even once? I didn’t think so. I hate to say it, but it may be time to give either Timbaland or Pharrell a call. And come to think of it, wouldn’t “Sexyback” have been the perfect theme song for the reinvented Bond? Someone knew, because the video for it was Justin Timberlake as a well-dressed spy.
WE PRONOUNCE IT IN THE ENGLISH FASHION
The Nativity Story is down to number nine and also in this as King Herrod and the solid character actor, Ciaran Hinds, an Irish actor who has played everything from the president of Russia the The Sum of All Fears to the German bad guy in the second Lara Croft movie. For me, he was Caesar in my beloved Rome which returns this January (though obviously without him, if you know your history), so I’ve finally found a reason to get those premium channels turned back on.
SOON HE’LL BE PLAYING SOME WHITE GUY’S PARTNER
Finally Unaccompanied Minors closes out the top ten at number ten and while don’t watch Everybody Hates Chris, because it’s too close to home for me, the kid who plays him is funny. His bits in the commercials for this are funnier than anything else (“Yeah, that’s gonna hurt when I pee.”) and a smart producer or director would have played on the success of the show and made the movie more about him and less of an ensemble piece.
SHOW SOME RESPECT, BITCHES!
Death begins its end-of-the year rush taking Peter Boyle and a true music giant, Ahmet Ertegun. Without Ahmet Ertegun, music as you know it literally might not exist as he built Atlantic Records and everybody who was anybody went through there. Some of the finest music every produced in the last 60 years exists because this man loved it and worked to see that it was heard. If you’re a musician your world just became a little harder and colder because there are fewer and fewer music lovers at the top of the ladder the way this man was. Let me put it this way: he was 83 and died as a result of a fall BACKSTAGE AT A ROLLING STONES CONCERT!
YEAH, IT’S A CULT, BUT IT’S A GOOD ONE
So, I bought my roommate an iPod for Christmas. Before you think I’m being extravagant know that it was actually just a 4GB Nano, I had a $50 gift card given by the electronics store in the building where I work (as they try to get some of that real estate broker money) and at this time of year some of the brokers actually give cash gifts to the assistants (and by “give” I mean they’re forced to), so there was actually no new personal cash outlay on my part. Everything I spent I’d actually been given that very day. They say it’s better to give than to receive and while this is obviously bullshit, I was nonetheless excited to give it to her. She’d mentioned getting one earlier in the year so this seemed perfect. The operative word there being “seemed” because when I gave it to her…well, let’s just say I’ve seen women given The Clap to warmer reception. To her credit she tried to like it, but after a few days of me insisting that it wouldn’t hurt my feelings, she admitted she didn’t like it. Why? Well, first she didn’t want to be like everyone else with little white earphones. Now, I understand this, as there are many things I won’t do for similar reasons. I won’t see It’s A Wonderful Life or Gone With The Wind. Also, I’d rejected her attempts to bring me into the Harry Potter cult. I’ve made cutting off my nose to spite my face an art, so I cannot begrudge another. And even my boy, OG (Original Geek) was cool to the iPod idea initially (until the fucker won a brand new 30GB iPod). Nonetheless, I suggested that no matter what you think of a Mercedes or A BMW, the simple truth is they are some of the best-made cars in the world. “So’s a Volvo,” she replied. Sigh. She also complained she felt they were taking over everything. Given she uses Microsoft, this held no weight at all, as even with all its success, Apple is a mere drop in the Windows bucket. Finally she pointed out her little 2GB MP3 player has a radio. I asked why she would need a radio when it so sucks and she could just have more of her own music. Her reply, “Because I like to listen to NPR.” That’s when knew it was over because those NPR people are just scary. They make the iPod and Harry Potter cults look mild in comparison, so I told her I’d take it back and get her the pajamas she asked for originally. What’s both funny and sad about this is that it comes under Traditional Male Gift Giving Mistake. She said “Clothes” and I said, “No, what you really want is an electronic toy.” Sigh. I got it right last year with a gift certificate for clothes. My mom and my sister want gift certificates. I will get them exactly that. There will be no creative input on my part whatsoever. Oh, but when I returned the iPod, I used it against upgrading to a new 30GB iPod for myself. I felt I’d earned it in my rare attempt to be a giver, though I failed miserably. I mean, it’s the thought that counts right?
WHAT I NEED IS A WORKOUT MONTAGE SO I’LL BE IN SHAPE IN 2 MINUTES
So, forty is kicking my ass. The holiday eating has really taken its toll on me. Well that and the fact I went on a key lime pie-eating kick where I was eating at least one 2-pound pie a week for the last three weeks. Yeah, I know. Add that to my time at home and then Thanksgiving and I’m to the point where I’ve actually started doing what I swore I’d never do again: lifting weights. Yes, I’m taking the fight to the man boobs! And now I’m in so much fucking pain I can barely move. I’m popping Advil every four hours like clockwork as the wrong turn in my sleep will hurt like a son of a bitch. But I have to maintain. When I was shopping in SoHo I tried on a beautiful shirt at this place called Alison & Sasha on Broome between Broadway & Mercer. I liked it so much that I actually went back to the store. I thought it was a designer long-sleeved tee or thermal, but it turned out to be one of those form-fitting things and I don’t have either the body or same-sex preference needed to wear it properly. Seeing the Buddha belly there was much more humbling than seeing it in superhero t-shirt because, well, anyone wearing a superhero t-shirt usually has one too. But my new enthusiasm comes at a bad time. I’m going home for Christmas next week and aside from no gym, I can hardly refuse to eat my mother’s cooking. I might as well tell her I don’t love her anymore.
WOMEN HAVE NO EXCUSE NOT TO RUN THE WORLD
Speaking of the gym, if it takes you 30 minutes to do 50 laps in the pool, you can rest assured that if an attractive girl in a white bikini with hair down to her ass is in the lane next to you and actually speaks to you without provocation to tell you she’s impressed that you can do a full length underwater, you will crank those 50 laps out in 20 minutes before you know it. Now, if I can just get her to be there every time I work out…
12/11/06
APOCALYPTO NOW
Apocalypto opens at number one and there remains no such thing as bad publicity. Just as Michael Richards’s outburst actually caused an increase in the sales of the Seinfeld DVD set (no doubt from people who wanted to remember him when he was entertaining), its similarity to Mel Gibson’s incident propelled Gibson back into the public eye just in time for the release of his film. Hell, Mel should send him a check, because otherwise who the hell would have cared about a film depicting the very graphic disintegration of the Mayan empire!?! In Ancient Mayan no less! Well, I didn’t care when I first heard about it and I don’t care now. Hell, I didn’t like the Lethal Weapon series, so my history with Mel Gibson is spotty at best. It begins and ends with Mad Max. And this ain’t about Mad Max.
“IF WE TOOK A HOLIDAY/OOH YEAH, OOH YEAH…”
The Holiday opens at number two and the romantic comedy (romcom) sits right next to the action film as my favorite genre, but like the action film, it’s something that looks deceptively easy when done well, but the many failures let you know how difficult it really is---and this has failure written all over it. First of all there’s “written and directed by Nancy Meyers.” While not as odious as Nora Ephron she remains proof that being a woman doesn’t necessary mean you’re better at this than men. She’s never been as good as her first writing job, Private Benjamin, primarily because it took no prisoners and didn’t demand a happily every after. But it was made at the end of the 70’s so it’s doubtful it could be remade that way today. The studio would either insist on redemption for the Frenchman or a nice, safe love interest for her to run to. Walking out on a muddy road in her wedding dress wouldn’t test well. But be it studio interference or her own missteps, her oeuvre is very flawed: Baby Boom (not bad), Father of the Bride remakes (utter banal evil), I Love Trouble (Julia Roberts so you know it’s crap), What Women Want (wasted idea) and Something’s Gotta Give (needed to be cut by half an hour and three endings). What do the romcoms tend to have in common (at least the three that I’ve seen)? A stumble in the third act. She has trouble finishing a movie. The only reason Baby Boom worked was because she had a co-writer. They were filming What Women Want without a set third act in place and apparently this so scarred her she gave Something’s Gotta Give half a dozen endings. The Holiday is a decent idea; dual fish-out-of-water storylines, but in this case she blows it from jumpstreet with the casting. See if you can guess the flaw here: Cameron Diaz, Kate Winslet, Jude Law, Jack Black. One of these things is not like the other, can you tell me please which one? Jack Black is why I refused to see this on a weekend when I was desperate to see something. Who the fuck casts him as a romantic lead when the other guy is Jude fucking Law!?! This is why men run the world, ladies, and don’t you forget it. We don’t waste being in charge on silly shit like “beauty is only skin deep.” Fuck that. You may have to settle for that in the real world, but when we make fantasies, we swing for the fences. I mean he’s not even charming, like say, Donal Logue (Tao of Steve, also made by a woman but at least having a fat dude mack was the point). No, they got this ugly, fat goofy bastard. And he’s supposed to the guy who heals Kate Winslet’s heart after she’s had Rufus Sewell stomp all over it. Sorry, it’s better to get fucked over by Rufus Sewell than to actually fuck Jack Black. That’s why I wouldn’t see this. I can’t imagine anyone so misguided in their casting could ever get anything else right.
CASH RULES EVERYTHING AROUND ME
Happy Feet is down to number three and even though it’s been fairly successful, the $100M production cost means that even at $174M worldwide, it’s still a ways from making a profit, but I’m sure Christmas will more than take care of that. I mean, it’s been out a month but is still in the top three. On the other hand we have Casino Royale, down to number four but with a total of $324M worldwide is already in the black with a production cost of $150. And there’s no telling how much product placement took off that. Die Another Day had $120M worth of product placement, meaning its cost wound up being $22M.
BETCHA HE LOVES STUDIO 60
Blood Diamond opens at number five and this is another case of remembering a filmmaker’s past failure and staying home. I was initially interested in this, but then I learned it was from Edward Zwick, the man who brought the world “thirtysomething” and perhaps he should have stayed in TV, because his big screen works are bloated period pieces like Legends of the Fall and The Last Samurai (while his last show, Once And Again was great). Yeah, he made Glory too, but he’s been riding that for far too long. This in the Glory mode, here to teach you about the evils of the world in a way that only a rich liberal can. This time it’s about the evils of the diamond mining industry. This so worried DeBeers there was talk of an ad campaign to counter it. Given that it opened at number five, they needn't have worried. I think others smelled the lecture and stayed home as well. Once again we return to Costas Gravas who when asked if he made propaganda films, smiled and replied, “No.” He understood what people like Zwick do not. You have to at least pretend to be entertaining first and teaching/lecturing second. There’s no such pretense going on here. Me, I’m not giving up over two hours of my life to be told the diamond industry is evil. Well, duh. How many industries that cater to the filthy rich aren’t? But this does get points for casting Jennifer Connelly as the love interest for Leonardo DiCaprio. Yeah, it’s only four years (assuming she’s not lying and I do), but when was the last time you saw any woman older than her male romantic interest?
APPARENTLY THE “D” IN DNA STANDS FOR “DUMB”
Unaccompanied Minors opens at number six and may this be the future for Wilmer Valderrama, who dates women that are apparently genetically stupid. Why else would Mandy Moore AND HER PARENTS be having dinner with him after he revealed on Howard Stern that he popped her cherry. What father anywhere wouldn’t make it his mission to cave this little fucker’s head in!?! Hell, she’s not my kid and I wanna do it.
WHAT PARTS WOULD JESUS TAKE?
Déjà vu is down to number seven and also starring in this is Jim Cazviel, better known to you as Jesus from Passion of the Christ, playing his psycho patriot terrorist all too well. Hope he likes it. It’s his future. Playing Jesus is like playing Superman; people have a hard time seeing you as anything else. William Dafoe played Jesus. What does he play now? Bad guys in action movies. Like this one. Also, he’s got this whole severe Catholic thing going that meant no love scene with Jennifer Lopez in Angel Eyes. Um, Jim? YOU’RE A FUCKING ACTOR! IT’S ALL PRETEND! People who get this worked up over it deserve their fate. Yes, Andy Garcia, who asked Bridget Fonda to put tape on her nipples during their non-scene in Godfather III, I’m talking to you.
SADLY THIS WON’T BE OVER UNTIL 2007
Speaking on Jesus, The Nativity Story is down to number eight followed by Deck The Halls at number nine and The Santa Clause 3 at number ten, showing that the American people have no interest in paying to see fucking Christmas when they’re paying to live it all around them.
TONIGHT WE’RE GONNA PARTY LIKE IT’S 1939!
So this week I went to a dinner party thrown by The Libertine and her German boyfriend (yes, that joke is coming, but wait for it). I never turn down free food, even if it means leaving the house and pretending to be social. Also, I was promised some sort of German wine ceremony. Needless to say the group was German heavy---until it later became very gay heavy, which made an odd sort of sense to me and at any moment I expected everyone to be handed a black leather outfit. The boys took a quick liking to their German partygoers and many pictures were taken with the children of the Fatherland. The male children anyway. The female Germans were left unmolested by photography. The only women who had pictures taken regularly were their full-figured hags who were both Black, because we how gay men love a full sista, as witnessed by Elton John’s hissy-fit when all the Black girls were eliminated from American Idol (and the concern that the big girl in Dreamgirls might be a homophobe). The wine, The Libertine’s boyfriend explained to me, is called Gluehwein and is enjoyed by Germans in December. Basically, wine with a cinnamon stick and orange peel is heated in pot while over it a stick of sugar is burned down with rum. It’s a nice little show and a reminder of just how crude we are as Americans, as just pop the top and drink, be it MD 20/20 or the finest champagne. When I drink my Patron, I think I’ll light some candles and play some Los Lobos. Also, there’s a film to go along with it, which is pretty much the German equivalent of It’s A Wonderful Life. They all know it and they all watch it every year in December. I don’t know the name, but he told me it was made in 1944 and is about a group of publishers and editors drinking the Gluehwein and reminiscing about being in school and the fun they had playing tricks on their teachers. One member is a famous author and having only been tutored, he’d never done that, so he decides to pretend to be a student and go back to school to experience this---his being obviously middle aged be damned. So he goes back to school to essentially be a dick and in the process falls for the headmaster’s daughter, much to the chagrin of the bitchy girlfriend who tracks him down. So that’s film cliché of the nice girl in a small town as opposed to city bitches, is both old and universal. But because this film was made during wartime, there’s one teacher who isn’t disrespected. Yes, he’s the Nazi. But as The Libertine’s boyfriend explained to me the National Socialist Party was also about discipline and respecting your elders and teachers and that’s what he represented in the movie (also, it was made in wartime and there was no way in hell they were getting funding without it). The downside being, respecting them so much you followed them unquestionably into hell. I felt bad because it seems almost every German is seconds away from apologizing for Hitler and it isn’t necessary (though I might feel a little different if I were French…or Jewish…or Polish…or English…or…). Oddlly, once the wine was made none of the Germans were drinking it. For a moment I feared a large joke of “Hey, let’s get the Americans drunk on that shit they only serve in German prisons” but I asked one guy who told me he’d had a bad experience with it in Munich the previous year after SIX OR SEVEN OF THEM. Gee, you think six or seven glasses of sugar-rich hot rum and wine might lead to trouble? He didn’t say what the trouble was, but I understand that the French army inexplicable ordered a general surrender last December so I have my suspicions. Sadly, the wine went too quickly for me to get my drink on, but he’s planning to do it again in January and I’ve made it clear he’s going to need more than one batch. Oh, and at the end of the night we invaded Poland. I told you to wait for it.
OR MAYBE EVEN VIVA LAS VEGAS!
So, now that I’m full time at a job I dislike again, I’ve returned to my former habit of buying DVD’s. Before it was a select few, now we’re restoring the collection, though I would have bought Miami Vice anyway. This is a special director’s version with additional footage and some changes, the most significant being the use of “In The Air Tonight” (a nice cover by Nonpoint) before the climatic gun battle just as it was used in the original pilot. I’d read in an interview that he’d debated it while filming and was talked out of it. Well, it’s back and it soooo belongs. He says as much on the director’s commentary. The movie remains a bit too solemn (anyone who’s ever even met a cop, knows they’ve got the driest sense of humor and this is noticeably lacking any), but when I popped it in to check out what had changed, I found myself drawn right back into it, so it’s a compelling work nonetheless. A noticeable improvement over Collateral, which I not only will not have in my house, but don’t even watch on cable. Given my love of Michael Mann, that’s rare. And I’m still hoping he’ll find the inspiration to adapt his other show, Vega$ (with Robert Urich) in a similar fashion. Given what Las Vegas has become since the show was on (remember when he met Charlie’s Angels?), I can’t imagine he’d be lacking in material.
12/04/06
YES, IF HE’D LIVED, BIGGIE PROBABLY WOULD HAVE DONE IT TOO
Happy Feet holds at number one and you tell me you’re still undecided on whether or not to see this? You say the all-star cast of Hugh Jackman, Robin Williams and Nicole Kidman isn’t enough? Well, let me give the motivation you were searching for: Fat Joe. Yes, Fat Joe does one of the voices in this. Fat. Joe. Why? Well obviously because Big Pun is dead and no one cares about Heavy D any more.
LEITER, FELIX LEITER
Casino Royale holds at number two and also in this is supreme character actor Jeffrey Wright as Felix Leiter, who was originated on film by none other than Hawaii Five O himself, Jack Lord. David Hedison (if you watched ABC in the 70’s you know David Hedison) played him in Live and Let Die and License to kill, where he lost a limb to shark attack. The irony is, in the books, Felix Leiter loses an arm and a leg to a shark in Live and Let Die. But Wright is not the first brutha to play Leiter. Bernie Casey played him in Never Say Never Again, the remake of Thunderball when Connery returned to the role. For some stupid reason in Brosnan’s films, there’s no Leiter but an obnoxious CIA agent named Jack Wade, played by Joe Don Baker (for you old school Walking Tall fans) and then some anonymous guy played by…Michael Madsen?
WHO WOULD JESUS DATE?
The Nativity Story opens at number four and I’d rather see this here than the number five entry, Deck The Halls or the ironically godforsaken number six entry, The Santa Clause 3. But the real story is how the start, Keisha Castle-Hughes from Whale Rider is actually 16, unmarried and knocked up. Hey, I warned you. When I saw how hot her mom was at the Oscars, I warned you all, but you didn’t listen and now look. The age of her boyfriend? 19 and they’ve been dating for three years. I’m sorry, but that’s creepy to me. What 16-year-old dates a 13-year-old? Peer pressure alone should have kept him away. And given the physical and emotional differences between a 13-year-old girl and a 16-year-old girl, I think it’s safe to say there’s something wrong with him that he was after her, I don’t care how cute she is. This is not the middle fucking ages.
HE CONTINUES TO MAKE MONEY ON DUMBASSES
Borat is down to number seven and yes, he’s being sued all over the place, but given that this movie has made $116M on a $18M, budget I think it’s safe to say, no one gives a shit. In fact, the lawsuits are making more people see it!
RULE NUMBER ONE: I’M ALWAYS RIGHT
Turistas opens at number eight and I’m going to have to write down The Angrygeek’s Rules of Moviemaking so I can just have a shorthand and say, “Rule 3” or “Rule 8” rather than continually say why certain actors do animated movies or cheesy horror films, like the way Josh Duhamel, who seems to have a comfy enough gig on Las Vegas is in this one. The same reason every other young actor from The WB or Fox shows up in one. It’s a safe transition from TV to film because it has a built-in audience that has nothing to do with you. But this low opening may be good news. Yes, it’s stupidly opening in the wrong holiday season, but nonetheless it may signal the beginning of the end of the new snuff-porn-horror movement. This is simply Hostel in South America and Hostel opened at number one back in January of last year and has a sequel coming this January. If it tanks, you’ll know it’s just about over.
“NOTHING’S GOING TO TOUCH YOU IN THESE GOLDEN YEARS...”
Stranger Then Fiction is down to number nine and unlike a lot of actors, Dustin Hoffman seems to be enjoying his golden years. When you see him doing supporting roles in films now he always gives the impression of just having a good time, unlike say, Sean Connery, who still needs to be the star is constantly pissed off by the people he’s working with and always threatening to retire.
IF YOU SEE IT, YOU’LL LAUGH TOO
Finally, Van Wilder 2: The Rise of Taj opens at number ten and I won’t front: when I finally saw it on cable, I really enjoyed Van Wilder. I liked it so much, I rented the unrated DVD and that bit with the bulldog sperm and the éclairs still makes me laugh. Not even Tara Reid could ruin it for me. But a lot of that had to do with the appeal of Ryan Reynolds (and the great in-joke that his father was played by Tim Matheson, who was Otter in Animal House), who works regularly enough but sadly just can’t seem to find his break-thru role. Somehow, I don’t see Kal Penn providing the same kind of charisma. I’ll see it on cable in a year and if nothing else there will be hot English girls topless. Kinda hard to screw that up. Yes, I know boobs are boobs, but nice boobs with an English accent above them somehow take on a special appeal. Same with a French accent. Or an Italian one. Even A German one. No Irish though. I’m still scarred.
“GIRLS SAY WHEN/BOYS SAY WHY/GIRLS GET MAD/BOYS THEY CRY…”
So The Boys started on TBS and first let me say it’s hysterical that not one suit at TBS got that “My Boys” means “My Balls.” But beyond that, I was not expecting much. First of all, I’m just annoyed by these so-called “one of the guys” girls. They all seem to act as though it has nothing do to with them being sexually desirable. I’ve no doubt there are ten times as many heavyset, aesthetically-challenged girls who drink beer, play poker, watch dumb action movies and love sports, but you’re never gonna see them on Sportscenter, much less get a sitcom. But I was pleasantly surprised, because while she may be skinny and blonde and too young to have the job she has, she’s no great beauty, looking like a poor man’s Kate Hudson. Also---and this was key---they don’t dress her too girly and make her appearance very low maintenance. This is the difference between her and those Maxim-friendly girls that always turn up on sports show (yes, Jillian Barberie, I’m talking to you) claiming to be “one of the guys.” Honey, “the guys” grow boobs from too much fried food and beer; they don’t have them surgically implanted. My other potential problem was the whole “She acts like a guy” concept, most specifically when it was used in the second episode where the guy keeps complaining, “Why do I feel like the chick?” It’s very heavy-handed and quite frankly is contrived, because no guy is going to get up and leave when some girl has invited him to her bedroom and is trying to take his shirt off. The potential love interest, however, does, making him nothing but a loser in my eyes. But to the show’s credit, the have another character point out that he simply could handle her which is why he winds up dating a non-threatening girly-girl (who is a yoga instructor and a dancer, so if you’re gonna wuss out, that is the way to go). Still, we see scenes from later episodes where they hook up. Why would you hook up with a loser who can’t handle sex with a woman who’s aggressive and won’t play games? Who wants to see this, male or female? Then again, it was written and created by a woman and my roommate was drinking a beer (my beer) and laughing at things I didn’t get, so I fully accept that some of it may just be over my head. Thankfully, there are still enough decent jokes from her four guy supporting cast (brother, roommate, two buddies) to make it worth my while---as I try to pretend the in-show promo for match.com (which Chasing Amy calls “The Target of online dating”) didn’t happen.
THE LONGEST PARAGRAPH IS ALWAYS THE GEEKIEST
So, I got my geek on hard (yes, I meant to say it that way). No, I’m not talking about essentially giving back my St. Mark’s Comics paycheck because I had to have the Superboy-Supergirl-Krypto-Streaky (the super cat) set marked down half-price and the First Appearance Robin. Oh, shut up. I’m building shelves in my closet to hide all this shit so I don’t have to keep hearing the women I know say, “I could never have sex in front of the entire Justice League.” Anyway, I got my geek on with the release of Superman II: The Director’s Cut on DVD. Now, I never liked Superman II, even as a kid. Hell, for me Superman 1 stops the moment he offers to take her flying and the movie still has an hour to go after that! Well, for me, there was nothing redeeming about Superman II. It was stupid and overly silly and the special effects made Godzilla look complex. I swore it would never enter my house and it didn’t. As I grew older, I learned that director Richard Donner, the man who tried so hard to make a serious film with the first, was fired from the second after actually shooting most of it alongside the first. Let me put it this way: Gene Hackman never met the credited director of Superman II, Richard Lester (who has his own immortality as the director of A Hard Day’s Night). Well, the Donner version has been a geek legend for years until finally, Warner Brothers, smelling the cash that multiple versions of DVD releases can bring, finally decided to let him assemble his footage and release his version. Well, I’ve got some good news and bad news. The good news first. It is better than the Lester version. There’s no bomb plot in France, a lot more Lois & Clark interaction, more Marlon Brando (if they used Brando’s footage for the second film they would have had to pay him a second time) and no stupid memory loss kiss. The bad news: it still sucks. It sucks so much I owe Richard Lester an apology. There was nothing he could have done to save this. While he did make it worse, I can’t say he could have made it better without totally reshooting it. The totally illogical loss of his powers remains and even more insane is how and why he gets them back. Also the incredible violation of character that Superman would voluntarily turn Metropolis into a battleground remains, as well as him seeking revenge for being beaten up in a diner. A Jedi does not seek revenge and neither does Superman. Also, it’s a bit of trivia that Superman turning back the world was actually supposed to be the ending of the second film, but Donner liked it so much he used it in the first. Well, because he obviously couldn’t redo it, it’s here too. Yes, Lois forgets because it technically never happened. But that’s as dumb as the first because when he goes back in time HE STILL NEGLECTS TO CHANGE ANYTHING JUST LIKE THE FIRST FILM. Sigh. I should have saved my money and taken advantage of Smallville being on sale for $15 a season or the superior Animated series. I also bought Superman Returns and even with lowered expectations it still blows, but at least now I can fast forward and just watch the nice special effects scenes. Also, the edition I bought came with a digest version of a hardcover book called The Ultimate Guide to Superman. Yes, I already own the hardcover. What’s your point? This is softcover and portable. All the difference in the world.
DEATH’S BAND GROWS
Did we mention that Claydes Charles Smith died? He was a founding member of Kool & The Gang and co-wrote “Celebration” and “Jungle Boogie.” Also gone is Ruth Brown, who was The Original Queen of R&B. You know her best form Hairspray, where she played DJ Motormouth Maybelle. Another great gone is Anita O’Day, who was 87 and considering she was a musician and did heroin as well as having a booze problem, that’s fucking amazing. Finally, Death must need lyricists, because Betty Comden also died. She was the writing partner of Adolph Green and they wrote On The Town and Singing In The Rain. But she was 89, and again, that’s impressive for show business.
“TAKE OFF THE BLAZER/LOOSEN UP THE TIE/STEP INSIDE THE BOOTH/SUPERMAN IS ALIVE”
Finally, Hova returns as Jay-Z releases his comeback album. But can it really be a comeback considering he never really left, given all the appearances on other people’s albums? Right now my favorite line is “Niggas wasn’t playing they day role/So we parted ways like Ben and JLo,” but what I really love is that he called it “Kingdom Come” because of the DC Comics mini-series (with stunning artwork by Alex Ross) that imagines a future where Superman quits because the world doesn’t want a boy scout hero any more and the conflict that ensues when he returns which threatens to cause the end of the world. Other than the comeback part I really don’t see how it applies, but I dig any geek reference. I mean, Paul McCartney’s song “Magneto and The Titanium Man” sucks, but I dig that he called it that.
RAIDERS OF THE 25 YEAR OLD MOVIE IDEA
The Librarian: Return To King Solomon’s Mines unfortunately reminds Spielberg and Lucas how much people liked Indiana Jones (though they hated the Young Indiana Jones show) that they’ll watch this. While it’s not without it’s charms (they fully acknowledge the rip off by showing the Ark of the Covenant in the first 15 minutes of the first movie) with Noah Wylie as its geeky hero, I was there purely for Gabrielle Anwar, whom I’ve always liked and it was unfortunate that she and few other very short actors were pretty much done the moment Michael J. Fox could no longer work. She was his love interest in For Love or Money, which was originally called The Concierge, but had to be changed because so many dumbasses didn’t know what a concierge was. It was directed by Barry Sonnenfeld and is worth having on in the background while you’re cleaning your place up on a Saturday afternoon when it comes on cable. What’s scary is that it was 13 years ago. For an English woman, she’s aged very well.