JANUARY '07 ARCHIVE

CAN ANY MOVIE WITH “SWAY” BE GOOD? I THINK NOT.

Stomp The Yard opens at number one and I suppose this is somewhat appropriate on Martin Luther King Day Weekend, because they are in a black college after all, but I personally think it’s embarrassing and stupid. Sorry, but this is just dumb to me. But I think anything having to do with a fraternity is stupid, much less a dancing frat. Give me a fucking break. At least Bring It On was able to show cheerleading respect without insisting that you view it as a “life or death” activity. It was a fucking comedy. This is a drama. And it apparently leaves no cliché unturned. The Newbie discovers an activity, but mysteriously is better THAN ANYONE EVER BEFORE and is just what the Noble Underdogs need to defeat the Obnoxious Reigning Champions. They could have easily called this “Dancing Drumline” or “You Got Served…At College.” And given that all these films make money, there doesn’t seem to be an end to them. Which is okay, I guess if you’re a young black actor who doesn’t want to play a criminal. Personally, I’d rather play a criminal. I mean, there’s a reason to take a guy with a gun seriously. Not so much someone who suddenly starts dancing in the middle of the quad or cafeteria or a party with his dumbass frat brothers.

EVERYBODY KNOWS THERE’S NO MONEY IN LEARNING

Night At The Museum is down to number two and apparently attendance at the museum is up because of this film, which makes sense, but obviously not everything you see in the film is there specifically the miniature cowboys and the miniature Romans. Sorry, but if that’s the problem I’d be ordering me some miniature cowboys and Romans because this movie is only on the first leg of its journey. You’re going to get a second run on DVD and then a final run on cable. I think it’s worth whatever expense to make those kids happy who otherwise would not have whined their parents---I mean asked their parents to take them. Happy kids = cash, as the producers of this film could easily tell you.

APPARENTLY WE WERE DESPERATE FOR LEADING MEN IN THE EARLY 90’S

The Pursuit of Happyness is down to number three and correct me if I’m wrong, but years after she was the “Heir To Halle” with Mission Impossible 2, before fizzling out, (which is why 40-year-old Halle Berry is still the Black Actress Du Jour over all her younger counterparts), this is the most successful movie Thandie Newton has been in. I personally remember her from a nice little English gangster film called The Young Americans, which is worth a rental or catching on cable late one night. Of course, she also joins Kirstin Dunst as a trivia question as they were both in Interview With A Vampire and basically everyone in that movie is a bigger star now than one of its actual stars: Christian Slater, who was last seen onscreen with Tara Reid and other short leading man flame-out, Stephen Dorff.

COUSIN BOBBY IN SAN FRANCISCO SAID IT WAS GOOD

Dreamgirls is actually up on notch to four, but that’s because it added theaters, so apparently it’s now time for all the straight white people to go see it. Especially since there’s an entire idiot segment of the population who actually believes the Gold Globes matter and it did win a few. I do not. I don’t care what anyone says. For me they will always be the people who gave Pia Zadora an award because her husband bought it.

NEXT: LUCY LIU WILL GO SAVE KIDS IN THE GHETTO

Freedom Writers is down to number five and apparently others have jumped on the bandwagon of another movie about a teacher saving kids by challenging the system, but they’re attacking the White Teacher Saving Minority Kids aspect. I chose not to play the race card, because we just saw The Rock saving kids and he’s not White on either side. Antonio Banderas just did it with ballroom dancing and no, kids, he’s technically not white either. And there’s a film coming about Terrance Howard saving kids in the ghetto with…swimming? And yes, it’s a true story.

MAN, EVERY MAN

Children of Men is down to number six and it’s ironic that Clive Own turned down playing James Bond when he does some very Bond like activity in this. He’s an everyman into whose lap the future of humanity falls and he more than rises to the occasion, complete with walking through firefights untouched by bullets, his vulnerability emphasized by a running joke where he keeps losing his shoes. Also in this is one of my latest favorite actors, Chiwetel Ejiofor. You know him best as The Operative from Serenity. Or maybe you don’t, given how that movie bombed. He was Keira Knightley’s husband in Love Actually. Wait, that was disappointing too. Damn. Well, you’re sure as hell not going to know him from Dirty Pretty Things where he was with Audrey Tatou. Oh! He was Denzel Washington’s partner in The Inside Man---with Clive Owen, which brings us a full circle.

INSIDER TRADING? DEATH.

Alpha Dog opens at number seven and this is based on the true story of a wannabe, bourgeois, White gangsta and I personally think there should be worse punishments for rich people who break the law. I mean when you don’t have anything and you become a criminal it’s almost understandable, but when you have it all and still decide to be an asshole, then we should feed you to the pigs. This movie is mired in a bit of controversy because the producers were allowed to look at law enforcement files, which the defense was more than a perturbed about and understandably so. Not that the scumbag this is based on deserves it, but it’s kinda hard to have a fair trial when someone makes a movie about how guilty you really are. But this will probably be best known as the Justin Timberlake movie and I’m sure now he’s glad he kept his day job---though I prefer the first album.

MAY YOU BE EATEN BY A CROCODILE FOR SEEING THIS

Opening at number eight is Primeval, about a real-life killer crocodile (named Gustave, and no, I am not kidding) in Africa, which has killed over 300 people. Why hasn’t someone killed it you ask? Well, why the fuck should they? He’s a fucking wild animal in the wild. He’s doing what he’s supposed to be doing. It’s your fucking fault if you go near him, not his. He’s not evil. Stupidity is evil. The civil war going on around him in the country of Burundi is evil, but the crocodile is not evil and sure as hell not a serial killer. Man, aren’t there laws about so falsely advertising a movie? Then again, if you go to see a movie just because you think it’s going to be about a guy who’s killed 300 people, then you deserve to be fucked over.

HE ALSO MARRIED MILA JOJOVICH WHEN SHE WAS 20 AND HE WAS 36

Arthur & The Invisibles opens at number nine and despite being a CGI animated film, this almost got me because it’s not about funny animals, insects or fucking fairy tales. But Luc Besson is hit-and-miss at best and even when I like his work, such as La Femme Nikita, The Professional and The Fifth Element (and he’s the producer behind The Transporter and Unleashed), they’re still somewhat messy. Movies that have a lot of good things going for them, but desperately needed a steady hand to hold him back (though if it means losing the weed smoking Rasta spaceship ground crew from The Fifth Element, then forget it). Basically, he makes movies like a 16-year old boy and this seems like he’s regressing to 12, so no thanks. Yeah, he got Madonna, Robert DeNiro and Snoop Dogg to do voices, but they’re English voices, but that’s not why I see animated films.

I’M AFRAID OF BEING TYPECAST, DAVE

Finally, The Good Shepherd closes out the top ten at number ten and this movie screams “DRAMA” more than I realized, as its supporting cast can probably count on one hand the number light-hearted movies they’ve done. William Hurt, Timothy Hutton, Billy Crudup, Michael Gambon, John Turturro and…Keri Dullea? Seriously? Fucking Keir Dullea? For those of you who don’t know the name, he’s technically the lead of 2001: A Space Odyssey, though he may be Noel Coward’s last great line. When the movie briefly made him famous before totally overshadowing him and destroying his career, Coward remarked, “Kier Dullea, gone tomorrow.” And how right he was.

FORTUNATELY AGING ISN’T AN ISSUE, ‘CAUSE…WELL, YOU KNOW

Speaking of dead careers, The Cleaner not only failed to break the top ten, but is now no longer even in the top twenty. Remember when Lucy Liu was white hot? Betcha she does. Nicolette Sheridan doesn’t care. She’s got a day job. And for Cedric The Entertainer, this is actually a step up, but for Lucy Liu…man, what a fall. Not even Kill Bill could put her back on the A-list. Her only saving grace is that there’s apparently no new Hot Asian Girl to take her place (remember: Hollywood can only have one prominent minority lead at a time) since Zhang Ziyi failed to crossover with Memoirs of a Geisha and Gong Li doesn’t give a shit. Pretty soon she’ll either be doing a horror film or the voice in an animated film. Oops. She’s once of the voices in the upcoming Kung Fu Panda (which I will be first in line to see!). Most interestingly she’s the latest lead for the update of Charlie Chan as his namesake granddaughter, now that no one cares about Russell “I Used To Be Pretty” Wong anymore. Personally, that sounds like a great idea…for a TV show. Every week she solves a crime and kicks someone in the head, filling that gap that Martial Law left. As a movie, however, it’s just stupid.

BUT WHERE’S WENDY? OH, WRONG PAN.

I’M WARNING YOU NOW! I’M GOING TO SPOIL THE END OF PAN’S LABYRINTH SO SKIP THIS PART IF YOU WANT TO SEE IT!

Not in the top ten is Pan’s Labyrinth and it’s a picture perfect reason why Hollywood rules and foreign films suck our wind. It sadly also justifies a lot of crappy corporate filmmaking. This is not to say it’s a bad film. It’s not. In fact, it’s exceptional for the most part. It’s the story of young girl at the end of the Spanish Civil War. Her father is dead and for their survival her mother has married a captain on the side of Franco fascists who won. Because he’s a idiot bad guy, he forces his very pregnant wife to travel to an outpost where he’s been seen to hunt down guerillas in the mountains so his son can be born near him. The girl is a fan of fairy tales and begins to live one when she discovers a centaur in an ancient labyrinth. He tells her she’s the daughter of the king of the underworld, but if she’s going to return to the kingdom, she has to prove she hasn’t become human and perform three tasks. The tasks are scary, but beautifully depicted and will be familiar to anyone who remembers old European fairy tales. While she undergoes this, the remnants of the Spanish Civil War goes on around her as the captain ruthlessly tries to suppress rebellion and if you’ve seen Guillermo Del Toro’s work before, you know he’s not afraid of a little blood. The pacing is good and you can feel the climax to both stories building as they begin to intersect more and more. The girl’s mother dies in childbirth and as the guerillas assault the outpost, she’s told that her newborn brother’s blood must be spilled for her to return to the underworld. Now this is where the final nail in the foreign film coffin occurs. The girl drugs the captain with her mother’s sleep medication but it isn’t enough and she chases her into the labyrinth. There, he comes upon her taking to the centaur---only there’s nothing there. He then takes back his son and shoots her in the chest (it’s not really a surprise, as the film opens with her on the ground shot). She dies; the guerillas kill him and take the child. Before the girl dies, however, she sees herself being taken back to the underworld where she’s told by her father the king not sacrificing her brother she’d passed the test and can now come home. So basically, if you believe in magic it has a happy ending. If you don’t believe in magic you’ve just watched a movie about a sad girl who took refuge from her horrible surroundings by creating a fairy tale for herself based on the books she reads, only to get shot to death by the man she hated who was willing to let her mother die in order to have a son and even though the guerillas kill him, the fascists did win the war and will control Spain for the next fifty years. This is why foreign films suck. First, they can’t do a fucking thing without bringing their politics into it mainly because their politics are fucked and they take their revenge on their long dead oppressive countrymen by vilifying them in movies. We do it too, but not all the fucking time. Every western doesn’t address the evils of slavery. Every period film doesn’t address the inequalities of women and minorities. We understand sometimes films are just fucking entertainment and take a fucking break. Second, and this bullshit captured us in the 70’s too, the need for a “real” ending, and by “real” I mean depressing, because that’s how real life is. Well, excuse the fuck out of me for thinking a movie about a girl living a fairy tale would end with a hole in her chest! And don’t tell me that’s not the real ending. Terry Gilliam says the same shit about Brazil having more than one ending. It doesn’t. There’s only one ending where his naked girlfriend gets shot in the face and he goes insane under torture and hallucinates their escape. Same here, even though director Del Toro says the fantasy is real. If he wants me to think it’s real, he should have shot it another way. She gets shot and her delusions comfort her into death. That’s it. Don’t hand me that shit about only the innocent can see the magic. What makes this worse is, had she not followed her delusion into labyrinth and stayed in her room, she and her brother would have been rescued by the attacking guerillas. And to show you how contrived this “real” ending is, the maid is the sister of the guerilla leader and when the captain finds out and tries to interrogate her, she pulls a hidden knife and slices him up BUT DOESN’T BOTHER TO FUCKING KILL HIM! Why should she? It would only have left the soldiers without a leader and therefore more vulnerable and allowed the girl to live. But Del Toro needed his ending, so we have this stupid contrivance, which not only gives him the ending he wants, but the very graphic scenes where the maid slices open his cheek (rather than slit his throat) and when we watch him sew it up. This never would have been made in Hollywood. He would have been told, “The girl lives or it doesn’t get made,” and this is one of the few times a soulless MBA studio exec would have been right. I’ve seen my last foreign film for a while. If it ain’t in English or have kung fu, count me out.

I’LL TAKE THAT PANDA SHIRT IN MEDIUM. STOP LAUGHING.

There’s a panda that’s been put on a diet because he’s too fat to mate. Insert your own joke about me here. Though I did learn something from my sisters when I was home for Christmas. They bought me clothes for Christmas and went with medium rather than the large I normally wear (hey, cotton shrinks) and it was shocking to realize it looks better. Apparently, wearing something a size larger to hide your belly also tends to make you look like which makes you look like a slovenly, shapeless mass, while wearing correct size because it may actually compliment you even though revealing your Buddha belly. Who knew? Of course this means 99% of all my tops have to be replaced, including 10 different Superman shirts. Get on it, people!

ET TU, HBO?

Rome is back (or given that they’re Italian, you can call it The Sopranos 14 A.D.) and Oh. My. Fucking. God. The show is too expensive for HBO to keep producing, so they’re only going to do 10 episodes and that may be for the best because I couldn’t handle many more like last night. Talk about ruthless, hardcore consequences for your actions. Oh, Lucius. Lucius…

I LIKE IT WHEN CHICKS FROM OTHER COUNTRIES SING

I can’t stop buying music and my latest acquisitions are the solo albums by the voices for Zero 7 and Telepopmusik, Sia and Angela McClouskey, who show you can be white and soulful without screaming your head off like Christina Aguilera or everyone on American Idol. You know Sia’s voice from when she sang lead on “Destiny” as Zero 7 actually employs a few lead vocalists. Her album is understandably in the vein as she co-wrote “Destiny.” It’s not as much techno-smooth as Zero 7, which only means it’s not your first choice for sex background music. It’s more the singer/songwriter music you listen to while staring out the window on a rainy Sunday afternoon. “Breathe Me” was apparently used on Six Feet Under and people went ape shit over it. I won’t lie about Angela McClouskey, whom you know best as the singer on “Breathe” made famous by the car commercial. She’s another girl doing Billie Holliday (though, ironically, not on her most famous song), but she does it well. She was also the lead singer of a band called The Wild Colonials. It took me a while to get used to the style change as I’m so used her to within a more electronic setting, but in the end the album left me unmoved. This is not to say it’s bad. It’s not. Her voice is great, but nothing on this is as good as “Don’t Look Back” which is so achingly beautiful, I literally stop in my tracks when it comes up on my iPod. I can’t do anything else but listen to that song. I could do many things while listening to this album. Nothing stopped me like that and unfortunately it suffers in comparison. Oh, and the new Zero 7 album sucks. Just sucks. I’d sell it but I already see it in the $.99 section of my local used CD store.

RUH ROH

So, Iwao Takamoto died. He created both Scooby Doo and Astro. I personally think it was just in his contract not to outlive Barbera for more than six months. Also gone is Bong Soo Han, whom only martial arts people will know as a master of hapkido. He not only trained Tom Laughln for Billy Jack, but is actually doing the fighting, which means he was either a lousy teacher or Tom really sucked. He was also the villain in the “Fistful of Yen” segment of Kentucky Fried Movie. Also gone is Lily Monster, Yvonne DeCarlo, whom I actually know better as the wife of Moses in The Ten Commandments. Sorry, I simply preferred The Addams Family. Don’t feel too badly, people. The youngest one of them was born in 1931.

1/08/07

AND THE DICK VAN DYKE SHOW RULED!

Night at The Museum holds on to the number one slot and it’s always nice to give the old guard their due. Dick Van Dyke probably hasn’t been in a charting film since the 60’s and Mickey Rooney has to go back to his Andy Hardy days (we won’t count Breakfast at Tiffany’s as it was a role both he an the world are trying to forget even happened). But here they both are in a huge holiday film. Yeah, there’s a third old guy who gets a call when you need an “Old Black Guy” and can’t afford Morgan Freeman, but he isn’t a Hollywood Legacy. But stick around for the closing credits to see Dick Van Dyke show he still has moves. On the other side of the age scale, also in this is Carla Gugino (whom I actually thought was Rachel Weisz, but she’s already done her time as one of the few Jewish women Stiller will work with) as the world’s sexiest museum worker and chronicler of the story of Sacagawea. I guarantee you there’s no one working in the Museum of Natural History wearing a push-up bra like that or boots that sexy. To their credit, though she’s obviously meant to be a potential love interest for Ben Stiller they don’t force it. And where the hell is my DVD set of her too-good-for-TV Karen Sisco series!?! Hello!?! But she will be on entourage next season (I was expecting her last season because there was news of her shooting scenes, but they pushed the appearance her character back as Vince’s new agent).

SHALLOW IN THE WAY HOLLYWOOD LIKES

The Pursuit of Happyness holds at number two and this was directed by, of all people the man who wrote and directed L’Ultimo Bacco, which was remade as its English translation, The Last Kiss, the Zach Braff flop of a few months back. Apparently I wasn’t the only one who saw the original, but rather than waste their time in remaking a mediocre film to begin with, someone thought, “You know, if you don’t let this guy write…” And sure enough they were right. Of course, the overwhelming success of this means his next Hollywood film will allow him to write it and that will be the end of his time here. Though whatever it is, he will populate it with pretty people. That’s the one good thing I can say about L’Ultimo Bacco; all those people were fucking gorgeous.

AT LEAST THERE WERE NO MORE GODDAMNED LAME CGI MOVIES

Children of Men added 157 theaters and enters the top ten at number ten. This is what we call a “dystopian” view of the future, meaning depressing. The opposite being obviously “utopian.” In this one the world has gone sterile and to hell and in my dark moments I can’t help of think of how this could have just as easily been a utopian future with people instead deciding that having no kids is great and just start having one big party. Think about it. All that disposable income, living only for today because there’s no reason to preserve tomorrow, no need for birth control...one big party! But this went the more depressing route and because this is “real” science fiction movie, meaning it’s more of a metaphor for our times, there’s no real reason given for the sterility---other than it’s you bitches. Yeah, for a movie about “humanity” it kind of threw me that the reason procreation stops is because women can’t get pregnant and have kids, not that there’s anything wrong with men. Well, not physically anyway, because we can obviously continue to make war leaving the entire world in chaos except for stalwart Britain, which has become a xenophobic nightmare. In an obvious commentary on post-9/11 culture, the country is not open to fugitives (called “fugees” whom I heard reunited but no one gave a shit) and they are rounded up and put into cages when discovered. In case you don’t get it, the buses that take them away have “Homeland Security” written on the side. Get it!?! And in a nod to the conspiracy theorists of the world, we open with a bombing in a coffee shop that’s blamed on the government as a way of hiding the failure of politicians and to get people on their side. Get it now!?! Yeah, this is not a happy place where Clive Owen exists, as I won’t say “live” since the only thing that brings him happiness is getting stoned with aging hippy, Michael “Still The Hardest Working Man In Show Business” Caine, who grows strawberry flavored weed while nursing his photojournalist wife who is in a catatonic state after being tortured by the government (okay, now you gotta get it). He’s yanked out of this by his ex-wife, Julianne Moore, who’s the head of a rebel/terrorist group called “The Fish” and they have the first pregnant woman in 18 years and are trying to get her out of the country to something called “The Human Project” which is one of those groups of benevolent scientists that only exist in science fiction movies about the apocalypse. Somehow they have survived whatever has crippled every other country in the world and they’re coming for her---if Clive Owen can get her to them. This is the only science fiction/fantasy movie over the last year that couldn’t have been told in half and hour on The Twilight Zone or in an hour on The Outer Limits. You need the first 15-20 minutes to set things up properly before kicking the story into gear, and while it could have been cut down by at least ten minutes at the end when we’re in the hellish refugee camp (it’s bad! I do get it!), it definitely needed the additional time to give all of its characters the proper depth and shading. Michael Caine’s speech about “chance and faith” alone is worth the additional running time. Also the film has what the others have so desperately lacked: A SENSE OF FUCKING HUMOR! Like real fucking people they make fucking jokes when in the worst of situations. In other words, they maintain their humanity.

I’D ASK WHERE COOLIO IS NOW IF I CARED

Freedom Writers opens at number four and apparently there is a neverending source of stories about brave teachers who challenge the system and succeed. My only question is, if this happens so damn much, why the educational system so crappy? Don’t these successes cause any change? What about the movies that come out? Don’t they do anything? Our courageous teacher this time around is Hillary Swank who needs to stop fucking her agent and make him get her better roles. This is not what a two-time Academy Award winner should be doing. Yeah, yeah, he helped her get those Oscars, but what has he done for her lately? As much as we criticize Nicholas Cage for the commercial bender he went on after winning his Oscar, at least they were all A-list vehicles good and bad. This is not A-list by any stretch of the imagination. This is a Hallmark movie that somehow broke out of the compound and escaped into national release. Dangerous Minds may have been a hit for Michele Pfeiffer, but not to put too fine a point on it, she was pretty. And it was during her A-list film heyday (actually it was her last one, as the slide began right after that and she didn’t have another hit until What Lies Beneath five years later). Still four isn’t awful for a film that cost almost nothing and whose biggest star isn’t a known source of revenue. Maybe if she’d been in a video with rapper to push it…

SO MUCH FOR THE LOVE OF GAY MEN FOR BIG BLACK WOMEN

Dreamgirls is down to number five, which is not a good sign, suggesting that the success of Chicago was more the exception than the rule when it comes to musicals. But this is Oscar bait, so it’s not really supposed to make money until after nominations come out and awards are won, so it’s okay for now. Jennifer Holiday, who originated and won a Tony for the role Jennifer Hudson will receive her Oscar, has been very vocal about not being given a role in the movie and I can’t say she’s wrong. Especially since another original Dreamgirl, Loretta Devine does have a role here. She originated the role of Lorrell, the Dreamgirl not played by Beyonce or Jennifer Hudson, but is best known to all of you as the long-suffering wife of the chief on Grey’s Anatomy. Also, Sheryl Lee Ralph, the actress who played the Beyonce role on Broadway, has also said that she also would have loved to have been part of the movie (though she showed some tact and didn’t whine about it like Jennifer Holiday). Again, while this is par the course for adaptations and you simply cannot upend your movie to include everyone who was in the play (mainly because they’d blow their Hollywood counterparts off the screen), it’s still unusual for director Bill Condon who was a fan of the original show not to at least try. I’m not sure what Jennifer Holliday would have done, but why Sheryl Lee Ralph couldn’t have simply played Beyonce’s mother is beyond me. And while Bibi Neuwirth wasn’t in the Chicago movie, she wasn’t part of the original 70’s production either, just the revival. Chita Rivera, who was in the original production, did in fact have a role (Gwen Verdon was dead which prevented her participation). Sorry, but I just expect better from gay men.

OUR NATIONAL NIGHTMARE IS JUST ABOUT OVER

Happily N’Ever After opens poorly at number six and may this be the last nail in the coffin of the CGI fairy tale satire. Though I doubt it, considering Shrek 3 is coming out this summer and will make a gazillion dollars and no one seems to get that their crappy movie will not do the same. Like most Hollywood rip-offs they see only the surface and think that’s enough. The Shrek movies have been carried by the actors. Eddie Murphy saved the first and Antonio Banderas saved the second. This movie? George Carlin, Andy Dick, Sarah Michelle Gellar, Freddie Prinze Jr and Wallace Shawn. Yeah. Exactly.

THE ALMIGHTY “O” COMMANDS YOU TO THE LOCAL MULTIPLEX!

Down to number seven and while nowhere near the success it needs to be (probably because of THE CREEPY FUCKING SPIDER), Charlotte’s Web has actually performed decently. Unfortunately the costs out shadow that. Do Oprah’s cult-like legions know she’s in this? Maybe if she ordered them to go see it. “I gave you bitches cars and you can’t go see my goddamn movie!?!”

SALT IN THE WOUND

The Good Shepherd is down to number eight and Angelina Jolie needs to shut up and leave Jennifer Anniston alone. She saying how she’d love to sit down and talk to her. Sigh. Can celebrities be more detached from reality? Haven’t you humiliated that woman enough? You took her husband and gave him a baby more beautiful than she ever could have. And while doing selfless acts in the process. She was down so low, fucking Vince Vaughn actually seemed like a step up to her. That’s the kind of damage you did and now you want to be friends? I mean, I like Vince Vaughn, but when you rebounding you’re given free pass to be as shallow as you like and no one can say a word. She should have been boning Orlando Bloom until he couldn’t speak with an English accent anymore (hey, he went after Penelope Cruz, so obviously looks aren’t that important to him). But no, she went with a bloated, bleary-eyed funny guy because her spirits were down so low. Leave her alone.

WHEREFORT ART THOU, APOLLO CREED?

Rocky Balboa is down to number nine and am I the only person wondering where Carl Weathers is right now?

THE END

Finally, We Are Marshall closes out the top ten at number ten.

NO, I DON’T KNOW WHAT IT MEANS EITHER

Not breaking the top ten is Volver, the latest from Pedro Almodovar and his leading lady, Penelope Cruz. And Movie Buddy ’98 is back, without whom I never would have seen this as I’m anything but a Penelope Cruz fan, much less in a foreign film. Well it seems that Hollywood is her curse, because Penelope Cruz is much better in Spanish than in English. As Movie Buddy ‘98/’06 pointed out, her voice drops and octave in her native tongue and it’s for the better. She works in an airports, but when a movie crew needs catering, she opens a friend’s closed resturant as her own, but just as this occurs, her beloved aunt dies and her daughter kills her [Penelope’s] husband who tried to rape her after revealing that she wasn’t really his child. Because she’s too busy dealing with the restaurant and a corpse she’s hidden in its freezer, she cannot attend her aunt’s funeral and her sister has to go alone---only to return with the ghost of their dead mother, who apparently was taking care of their aunt, which was common knowledge to everyone in the village. And yes, this is partially a comedy. But only partially, as Almodovar is seriously into the relationships of women (which is why most of the men in this are no damn good and if they are, they’re barely around) and this is about the unfinished business between a mother and daughter and how the lies that plague one generation are visited upon the next, as Penelope Cruz’s teen pregnancy is part of the reason she and her mother never got along. I’m so used to Hollywood, this movie caught me off guard somewhat. Once again the bodily functions that are sparingly used in Hollywood and mostly for slob comedies are actually used here to convey character as Penelope gets her first clue that her mother has returned when she goes to the bathroom and smells her mother’s farts. Not only are you not going to get a shot of any Hollywood A-list star pulling her panties down to take a leak, you sure as hell aren’t to get a fart used to convey a sentimental longing about a dead mother. And there’s no great over-the-top resolution to any of it. There’s a conclusion to sure, but neither with a bang nor whimper.

“HOPELESSLY DEVOTED TO YOU” WAS NOT IN THE ORIGINAL SHOW

I loved Grease, so I won’t apologize for watching the show You’re The One That I Want” about the revival of Grease. Obviously the producer who’d just dropped $10M of his own money in this hedging his bets. This is just one long commercial for him, provided he isn’t also a producer and getting paid for it as well. But like most reality shows, it’s as contrived as hell and needlessly so as far as I’m concerned. You want to see how casting really works for a musical? See the movie All That Jazz that real Broadway titan Bob Fosse directed. It’s ruthless and quick. No second chances. And most importantly, none of this bullshit with people who are, shall we say, physically inappropriate. In other words, old, fat, non-dancing porkers like wouldn’t make it through the door, much less waste the time of a producer who’s dropping $10M to mount the show. But this is a TV show for fat American TV watchers so you have to give them their shot and they do. Also, people who go out for musical theater know their requirements and they’re all trained singers and dancers, not these left-footed neophytes you saw. Why was there not much talent in Chicago? Because if you’re talented in Chicago you move to New York or LA. And speaking of New York, there’s no reason to cast anywhere else for a theatrical production. This is the American hub and everything else is a joke. The previews for next week show pretty much just that occurring. Olivia Newton John appears briefly in the show, which makes sense, kinda. They’re casting for the show, but she was only in the movie, but since most people (like myself) only know the movie, there’s no point in dragging in original Sandy, Carole Demas, though original Danny Zuko, Barry Bostwick would have been a hoot. His understudy? Jeff Conaway, who played Kenickie in the movie and Vince Fontaine in the 90’s revival. Why he’s not here I don’t understand given he’s got little else to do. And I’m sure famewhore John Travolta will show before the show’s over. He’s got to. Not only does he have his own musical coming out this summer (Hairspray) but the last time he turned something down it was Chicago.

I ONLY WISH I COULD SAY I WATCH FOR THE LESBIAN SEX

Rome is coming back and The L Word returned so I had my premium channels turned back on. Also, now I can catch up on the entire season of Weeds that I missed. The third season of The L Word sucked despite the incredible hotness of Sarah Shahi and appearance of Roseanna Arquette, so I was hesitant to go back. And Cybil Shepherd as a lesbian did little to reassure me. But I like the characters played by Jennifer Beals, Katherine Moennig (aka, Gwyneth Paltrow’s cousin) and Laisha Hailey, so I’ll stick it out, especially since they gave us the nice twist of Shane being stuck with the younger brother she discovered last year. But as always, the character of Jenny remains the albatross around the neck of this show. She’s horrible and always has been. Time stops when she’s onscreen and I thank god I record it so I can fast forward.

DUH

So an Asian guy won Survivor. Who would have thought? Oh, wait. Fucking anybody.

MUSICAL MENOPAUSE?

I loves me some Prefab Sprout. I decided to go to youtube.com to see if there were videos of them and said “goodbye” to the rest of my night as I found tons. Videos I never knew existed and I had to watch them all! They were a great English pop band of the 80’s who were produced by Thomas Dolby. They never caught on here, but Paddy McAloon who was the creative force of the band and eventually became the only member surrounded by a changing line-up, was a bit of critical darling in the UK. What’s both funny and scary is watching him go from a skinny kid to a hairy middle-aged man (who briefly went blind) and realize, “Hey, I was a skinny kid too and now I’m also a middle aged man.” Nonetheless, the music remains great and it’s never too late for you tasteless fucks to discover it (though they ironically had a small dance hit with “If You Don’t Love Me” in ’92). It helps that like most 80’s band, they not only briefly reunited for a tour (in 2000) but may do it again and with Thomas Dolby back producing. Like most great pop, the airy tunes with catchy hooks belay darkness to the lyrics. I discovered them with the single “Appetite” (which you should be hearing) and it’s actually about uncontrolled lust producing an unplanned child. But “We Let The Stars Go” may be my favorite as it’s dripping with melancholy and a little regret over a lost youth. Not that I know anything about that.

MODEL BEHAVIOR

So one of the brokers in the office where I work is married to model Irina Panteva. You may know here as one of the few Asian models back when Cindy Crawford ruled the earth. She actually appeared in one of the Sports Illustrated swimsuit issues. You may also know her from her autobiography about growing up under Soviet Rule which she also made an accompanying documentary, but me, I know her because she played Jade in Mortal Kombat: Annihilation and when she came by the office last week, I had to resist asking her about it. Also, I brutishly shook her hand like a man when she offered it as lady. Mr. Smooth.

1/1/07

THOUGH YOU’LL HAVE TO EXPLAIN TO YOUR KIDS WHAT A MUSEUM IS

Night at the Museum opens at number one and you’d be more then excused for thinking this was Jumanji 2, all the way down to Robin Williams being involved. Thankfully, Robin Williams is now too old to be the lead, so the duty falls to Ben Stiller, who has mercifully not been on the big screen for about a year now. One sign a star isn’t slumming to do a kid’s film is quite frankly the budget. CGI is not cheap, nor are actual New York City locations and this has got plenty of both. Also, despite over saturation, Stiller’s career is very healthy, so for him this is an indulgence…that pretty much pays off. But I’m biased. The moment they had him and the monkey slapping each other, I was in. Also, rather than play his usual “theater of pain” character, Stiller actually plays his character as a bit more of a tool, as evidenced by the arrogance that pops up when he thinks he’s got the living museum under control---only to have it run all over him again anyway. And you know it’s got to be a decent movie to make me enjoy the presence of Owen Wilson. They keep him in literally small doses as an inch-high diorama cowboy obsessed with taking down the nighttime guards who have constantly locked them all up. That keeping Robin Williams on a tight leash is a good idea goes without saying. He’s limited to playing Teddy Roosevelt and that’s it. In fact, what make this work are all the small things. Ricky Gervais, Steve Coogan, Mickey Rooney and Dick Van Dyke all have small bits and make the most of their brief screen time. The conceit is obviously a child’s dream (it’s based on a well known children’s book), but things like the Cowboy diorama and Roman diorama’s being at war with one another because the former is following Manifest Destiny and the latter is building its empire is not only a bit of an adult joke, but one that requires education And the message that “learning is good” isn’t as heavy-handed as it could have been in the wrong hands (though one second more of Ben Stiller studying history to control the living museum would have officially made this an ABC Afterschool Special).

I SUPPOSE IT’S BETTER THAN BEING THE DOOMED PARTNER

The Pursuit of Happyness holds at number two and they still haven’t printed enough money to make me see it. But it doesn’t need my money. It’s a touchy-feely, true-life story that’s about to break $100M in less than a month. So get ready for lots more of them over the next year, especially for minorities as for some reason America never gets tired of watching us triumph over obstacles.

AND YOU! YOU! YOU! YOU’RE GONNA LOVE IIIIIIIIIIIITTTTTTTTT!

Dreamgirls breaks into the top ten this week at number three and you’re looking at the winner of the Best Picture Oscar, don’t even think of kidding yourselves about it. Hollywood has always rewarded big eye-candy movie versions of Broadway musicals and this is no exception. It doesn’t hurt that it’s also pretty good. Yes, Jennifer Hudson is good (though not great) and the undisputed star of this movie, leaving Beyonce, Jamie Foxx and Eddie Murphy all in her wake. And yes, she’ll probably win Best Supporting Actress, though she’s actually not supporting any one, but since Helen Mirren is going to win Best Actress, it’s best to put her in a category where she can win---then fade off into obscurity like all winners of Best Supporting Actress. As most people know, the story is loosely based on the story of The Supremes, who became Diana Ross and The Supremes when Berry Gordy started sleeping with Diana Ross, whom he then fashioned into a superstar, climaxing with her nomination for Best Actress for the Motown produced Lady Sings The Blues. People forget, but Madonna, Diana Ross was the most successful female in music history. Here we have The Dreams from Detroit and Jamie Foxx as he builds his Rainbow label around them, making Beyonce into a superstar, climaxing with an attempt to make her the star of Cleopatra. In real life, Berry Gordy was no Teddy Bear and many of the Motown Family bristled under his control. Jamie Foxx’s character pretty much reflects this, running over anyone and everyone he thinks interferes with his plans. That Beyonce plays the Diana Ross role is the height of irony, considering the point of Destiny’s Child was pretty much to make her a solo star and her father more than aptly fulfilled the controlling Berry Gordy role. She’s not so much acting here as playing herself (thick Texas accent intact). I’m not sure whom Eddie Murphy’s character is supposed to be, but you never think of anyone but James Brown while he’s doing it, when he assumes a Marvin Gaye-type of appearance when the movie hits the late ‘60’s, early ‘70’s. And while it obviously took the star power of Eddie Murphy and Beyonce to get this long-in-development movie finally made, his thin voice and her acting skills make you wish they could have cast people who could have better fulfilled the roles. But that’s also is par the course (just ask the justifiably bitter Bebe Neuwirth, a trained dancer who won a Tony for her role in Chicago who was utterly ignored in favor of the more famous Catherine Zeta-Jones). And while her acting isn’t perfect, Jennifer Hudson pretty much owns the role of Effie, which won Jennifer Holiday a Tony on Broadway twenty years ago. She also embarrasses everyone who voted her off of American Idol with her powerhouse voice as she nails the show’s most famous song, “And I’m Telling You I’m Not Going” which has become a standard for Black talent shows for two decades now (if you’ve ever watched Showtime At The Apollo even once, you’ve seen at least one girl try it). And does anyone but me remember Jim Carrey doing it on The Larry Sanders Show, showing you how familiar he became with Black people while on In Living Color (which also starred…Jamie Foxx).

I CAN’T SAY IT ENOUGH

Charlotte’s Web drops one notch to number four and with an $85M budget and the holiday crowds pretty much over, this will be a lesson learned: SPIDERS ARE FUCKING CREEPY. Seriously, who the fuck looked at the production design, saw the spider and didn’t immediately say, “Um, can we make it A LITTLE LESS FUCKING CREEPY!?!”

THEY ALSO TEND TO LOOK LIKE GRIMACE CONTESTS

The Good Shepherd is down to number five and this is one of the many “Oscar Bait” movies I will undoubtedly be forcing myself to see over the next few weeks, because I’m less than excited by something that looks “oh-so-serious.” And there’s the two-hour fucking running time. Nothing says “Oscar Bait” like making you grow old in your seat. God forbid the axiom “less is more” enter the minds of the average filmmaker while making his serious and important film.

IMAGINE A MOVIE WHERE THE SWISS ALWAYS LOST CHOCOLATE MAKING CONTESTS

On the other hand, I did manage to get myself in to see Rocky Balboa, the final Rocky movie, which is at number six. Hell, I’ve seen all but one (did anyone see Rocky V), might as well see the end of the story. Also, it was under two hours and was playing at a convenient time and a convenient place. Say what you want about Stallone, he makes Rocky a very appealing character and after 30 years, he still does his most famous role best. I missed Rocky V, so I have no idea why he’s no longer rich, but it makes sense, as that’s what happens to most fighters after time. Now, he’s making a modest living running a restaurant called Adrian’s where he tells stories and takes pictures with patrons. But there is no Adrian. Nope. She’s dead from cancer, but the film takes this cliché of writing out a female character and actually make it fairly touching, as we open with Rocky visiting his late wife’s grave and not really speaking at all, just sitting there. Next he forces brother-in-law Pauley to take “the tour” where he visits all the places where he and Adrian went when they dated, from the pet store (yes, the turtles are still here and alive) to the ice rink. Adrian has a substitute, however. Remember the little girl he walked home in the first movie who insulted him? Well, she’s a middle-aged single mom who works in a bar now and Rocky is naturally attracted to her familiar low confidence and before you know it has given her and her teenage son a job in his restaurant and takes the boy to buy a dog with him. The scene with the dog shows why Rocky remains a lovable character. He asks the kid to name the dog and he suggests, “Punchy” an obvious dig at Rocky. He knows this, but actually accepts it pointing out its virtues. The kid immediately feels regret at the insult and apologizes. That entire self-effacing modesty and gentleness of character suggests a subtlety that Stallone has pretty much never displayed anywhere else (despite a rather heavy-handed attempt in Copland). People tend to forget, but Rocky was not an action movie. It was a drama, a character study that had a boxing match at the end. This pretty much follows that formula, as we watch Rocky live a lonely life, life struggling with the pain of living without Adrian and with a son who resents living his father’s shadow. He’s already started to try and change it with “adopting” a new family when a computer match suggests he’d beat the current champ and this is where the ugly side of Rocky comes up: the fantasy of the white heavyweight champ. Let’s face it the Rocky movies have a nasty race fantasy of deposing black heavyweight champions, the only exception being Rocky IV where it was a Russian and even that opened with the death of a black heavyweight champ in the ring at the hands of a white guy. And the only unsuccessful Rocky movie? The one where he fought a white guy. So let’s not kid ourselves about this. If the Japanese made a series of movies where they always beat a white guy in a dick size contest, you wouldn’t deny it, so don’t do it now (though actually it was Indian Council of Medical Research that revealed that the average international condom was too large for Indian men). Even the computer match at the heart of this is based on a real life example: Rocky Marciano’s computer match against Muhammad Ali 35 years ago, where Marciano was declared the victor. Never mind in real life Marciano famously avoided fighting any young Black fighters. So it’s actually a testament to Rocky’s appeal that he remains likable despite this ugly subtext. And it really is about it, because the other things really don’t work. The fight is dull and even the work out routine to the famous music no longer has any sort of stirring effect.

IT’S DRAGGING. GET IT?

Eragon is down to number seven and this is not going to be the next Lord of the Rings, even though it’s doing better overseas. LOTR had decades to build a loyal and quite frankly, scarily devoted audience. This however, is relatively new and obviously does not share that same fanbase. I guess this latest generation of sad fantasy geek actually manages to get laid.

MAYBE HE SHOULD HAVE BEEN SHIRTLESS THE ENTIRE MOVIE

We Are Marshall is down to number eight and Matthew McConughey is pretty much famous because he’s hot, because his movies almost always disappoint. The curse of Vanity Fair that only Heath Ledger has managed to escape (though it took him years) continues in this other true life movie about the recovery of the Marshall University community and football program after the death of practically the entire team in a plane crash. Having no interest in college football, I could care less about this movie and that McG directed it pretty much nailed that coffin shut. There are few things worse that a talentless fuck trying to show they have “depth” and this doesn’t look to be any exception to the rule. Then there’s the fact the made it with the total cooperation of many of the people involved and I’m sorry, but that means it’s anything but an honest portrayal, because no one is going to let themselves be presented badly and none of us are saints. But mostly it’s that McG thing.

MORE POWERFUL THAN A LOCOMOTIVE…BUT NOT A DANCING PENGUIN

Happy Feet holds at number nine and this is approaching $300M worldwide, so Warner Brothers is a little less concerned that Superman Returns was such a disappointment.

JUST TO BE DIFFERENT

Finally, The Holiday holds at number ten and now that the holidays are over, this will also go away. And while I’ve never been a fan, it seems a bit cruel the cheap shots that people are taking at Cameron Diaz as she firmly enters her 30’s. Now, I’ve never thought she was beautiful. She was an Ellen Barkin for little boys afraid of real women as far I was concerned, but like Ellen Barkin, because she was never “traditionally pretty” meant age wasn’t necessarily her enemy the way it is for most actors. Granted, she does herself no favors with darker hair, which only makes her look hard and tired, but she’s hardly the aging dowager I keep seeing references to. I know part of the fun of celebrities is watching them fall, but she’s never really gotten on my nerves, nor is she showing her ass (literally) in public. For someone dating one of the biggest music stars around, they’ve kept it really low key. But she’s always done that. Even back to Matt Dillon, it was never hideousness that Jennifer Lopez displayed with Ben Affleck. And god knows she’s probably pretending she never dated Jared Leto given what he turned into.

“THREE: PUT YOUR JUNK IN THAT BOX!”

Speaking of Cameron Diaz, was there anything funnier in the last days of 2006 than “Dick In A Box” the bit Justin Timberlake did on Saturday Night Live? No. Nothing. What makes it truly funny is how dead on it was. R. Kelly actually makes songs like that. And yes, in the 80’s, that’s how wannabe White boys dressed. See, Badd, Color Me or Bass, 3rd or Snow. Yeah, especially Snow.

ANGRYGEEK IS COMING TO TOWN

Believe it or not, I came back from the holidays weighing less than when I left. How? Well, it has to do with an ill-advised decision to go drinking the night before I left. My flight was at 8:00 am, which means I had to leave my house at 5:00 am (thank you Homeland Security). I was working until 11:00, so what would be the point in going to bed? Exactly. I was planning on packing and watching TV, but I’d felt guilty about not hanging more with Surrogate Sister the night before because I had a 12 hour day ahead of me, so I texted her to see what she was up to. Of course, she was out and about and invited me. I briefly considered it before deciding it was best to just go home, to which she replied, “I knew you wouldn’t come.” More guilt. I mentioned I was carrying Christmas gifts. Surely that would get me out. “Bring ‘em.” So this is how I wound up down at The Vig in Nolita. Surrogate Sister was there with her friends, one of whom was Jack Spade. No, not the real Jack Spade, brother to Kate Spade bag fame, but a guy who worked there. He was a trust fund baby who didn’t have to work, but chose to. He was also very hot for Surrogate Sister and it was less than mutual. But Jack Spade had a tab, so we liked him, despite regular attempts to lay his game down on Surrogate Sister, the worst of which has to be the “reverse psychology” approach which every man has tried, where he tells the object of his attention how they’d never work out or how he doesn’t want her any more. Has that ever worked? What woman has ever heard, “We’ll never work out” and felt the urge to remove her panties? But he allowed me to continue my habit of Corona and Patron. Yes, Patron. Not that they were easy to get. There was only one bartender who was so drunk himself that another guy who was actually there for a friend’s birthday party felt compelled to man the bar for awhile. The birthday party brought out the evil in me. See it was a young Black guy’s 33rd birthday party and I can’t tell you what I’d give to be a 33-year-old Black guy again. I don’t want to be a kid again, but I feel I wasted my 33rd year in a meltdown. So to punish this guy for having what I didn’t have (good looks, youth and the company of good looking young friends who were all of his same race) I did to him what someone did to me: I told him of the “Jesus Year.” For all of us blessedly not Catholic (though I’ve never had better sex than with Catholic women) 33 is the Jesus Year because that’s how old Christ was when he died. Supposedly it should be your best year, which makes no sense to me considering HE WAS BETRAYED AND KILLED but maybe you have to Catholic for this to make sense. In any case, I explained the concept to him, so hopefully he’s somewhere naked and fetal in his own filth over his lack of achievement in life. By the time we left the bar it was after 3:00. Surrogate Sister and I went back to her place where I ate a slice of pizza and made my fatal mistake: I had a glass of white wine. If I’d stopped there, I wouldn’t have been great, but I would have been better. That glass was the straw that broke the camel’s back. I went home completely drunk. It was 4:00 am and I hadn’t even packed yet. So I packed drunk. This is how I took home 14 t-shirts. The effects had started to hit me as I saw my pizza again before I even left the apartment. Yeah. I saw it one more time at the airport before I boarded and some of the boiled dumplings I’d had as well. I staggered to the gate and fell asleep---only to wake and hear my name as part of a last call to board. I slept all the way to Atlanta, where I immediately went back to sleep. I figured a few hours and I’d be okay. I woke up six hours later, having missed my sister who came by to see me. Needless to say, when I weighed myself, those extra five pounds I was trying to rid myself of were long gone. Not the best way to do it, but I won’t pretend it isn’t effective. Of course after that, I ate like a pig regularly, but since I slept ten hours a day it wasn’t as bad as you might think and one day I even had salad. Christmas was nice, but I feel guilty since after forty years, it’s still just my immediate family. No kids and no significant others from either myself or my sisters. My mom’s grandmother fever is so great that if you have a child within 20 miles of her, she’s buying that child gifts. My aunt’s two girls who both had boys last year got the new Elmo, which my mom had obtained through a Wal-Mart contact. Yeah, she doesn’t kid around when it comes to Christmas gifts. My buddy OG (Original Geek) has a daughter and she got two gifts from my mom. So next Christmas somebody is coming home with me. I don’t care if money has to change hands. If for not other reason than to take attention off of me. I swear I couldn’t sit next to my dad for more than five minutes without being questioned about every aspect of my life from my gym habits to brushing my hair. They’ve got affection and attention to give. Who wants some!?!

IMAGINE LEAVING LAS VEGAS AS BUDDY COMEDY

Chasing Amy tells me a story about our pub crawls where we were left dead broke at the end of the night sitting in a diner drunk and eating toast. I don’t remember this, but she insists it happened. If true, maybe it’s best we parted ways because too much of that would have surely killed us both. I’m more sure of that now having been out drinking with her again, where we didn’t leave until around midnight and didn’t get back until five in the fucking morning. You know it’s bad when you enter a bar calculate the cost of the drinks you’ll probably consume and just buy the bottle---which is what we did at some bar in SoHo. Her boyfriend came with us and he’s a very nice guy (who unfortunately lives in the same building as someone I can only describe as a fuck buddy and no, it did not end well). Sweet actually, which is why he keeps getting hit on by gay men and that night was no exception. Actually, he’d fallen asleep as unlike Chasing Amy and myself, he hadn’t taken a nap and had actually started drinking before we went out. So by 3:00 am, he was done and just went to sleep while we tried to kill that last bottle of wine. Unfortunately for him, this bar wasn’t having it. No, not officially, just that the weird patrons felt the need to wake him, one gay guy in particularly who also tied a bow around his leg. At one point they blew out all the candles making the lounge area where we were alone suddenly very dark, so Chasing Amy turned to me and said, “Uh-oh. I think this place is about to turn into that scene from Pulp Fiction.” It wasn’t helped by a group of men going to the bathroom together. We left soon after. Not because of that, but because Chasing Amy was threatening to buy another bottle. But my favorite moment of the night was the ride home. First I had to convince her that we could not share a cab as they were heading to the eastside and I was heading west. Next we were side by side in cabs calling one another. At one point I told her I was on her left, so of course she immediately looks out the right window, which allowed me to deliver the line, “Your other left.” Made my night.

“IT’S YOUR PATRIOTIC DUTY TO GIVE ME THAT BOOTY.”

Well, I’m not living the geek dream any more. Now that I’m permanent at the real estate agency, I’m getting paid enough that I quit St. Mark’s Comics. Also, they were giving me shit about not being more available to work open houses and shit like that (in other words, I wasn’t available for more free work). I was going to quit anyway, but that made it a bit more urgent. That and St. Mark’s hiring a beautiful girl who looked like a cross between Natalie Portman and Jessica Alba (with an accent) who read Batman and had a bad habit of dating older men. That was really a sign I had to get my old ass out of there. But before I did, I had to make the purchase I’d been putting off for a year: Captain America statue. Over the last few years hundred dollar superhero statues have become all the rage because the guys in IT make a decent salary. I’ve avoided it because I cannot fathom $500 on a statue of Doctor Doom, but this Captain America statue was amazing and this was my last chance to use my 30% discount. What makes this sad and ironic is I put up shelves in my walk-in closet to hide all the actions figures I’d bought over the last year to make my room a little less scary should some woman be drunk or desperate enough to say, “You know what? I’m gonna let that Superman t-shirt slide and bone your chunky ass.” I moved 40 figures into the closet---to only be replaced by a foot high Captain America on my TV. Should this prove to be a problem I’ll have no choice but to say, “Baby if you can’t get your freak on in front of the Sentinel of Liberty, then the terrorists win.”

DEATH DECIDED SHE DIDN’T HAVE ENOUGH FUNK

Finally, death went out big at the end of the year taking former President Ford (who ironically was a Ford model when he was younger) and none other than the Godfather of Soul, James Brown. But don’t cry too hard. Given the life he led and the music business in general, living to 73 is nothing short of amazing. Sadly, I sold my James Brown Box Set many years ago and I refuse to be another lemming rushing into the stores now to buy a greatest hits collection.

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