2/18/07 BURN, BABY, BURN
Ghost Rider opens at number one, which is a severe blow to ever getting good comic book moves made on a regular basis, because this is a whopping piece of crap. But we shouldn’t be surprised, given it comes from the writer/director of Daredevil, another stinker. You have to wonder how guys like this ever get started, they are so purely incompetent at what they do. There is almost nothing professional on display onscreen aside from the CGI that suckered us all into it. The flaming motorcycle running up the side of the building looks nice and deserves a movie worthy of the effect. Likewise when the original 1800’s Ghost Rider shows up on his flaming ghost horse and they ride side-by-side (to “Ghost Riders In The Sky” in a nice touch). The story is/was very simple: motorcycle stunt rider, Johnny Blaze, sells his soul to Satan to save the life of his father who is dying of cancer. Satan cures the cancer, but then has the man die in a motorcycle stunt. Satan’s claim is that now Johnny Blaze will be his “rider” meaning he will collect evil souls that are due hell. In the comics, it was his girlfriend’s father he was trying to save and when Satan showed up, her purity was able to save him, though Satan left him with the Ghost Rider curse, though otherwise seemingly had no power over him. In the meantime, Johnny Blaze made the whole flaming skull thing part of his stunt act, selling himself as “The Ghost Rider.” It’s all much more interesting than this movie, even when they wussed out and changed it from Satan himself to Mephistopheles (a demon from hell, but not Satan) and that he really wasn’t turning into the Ghost Rider actually, but was possessed by a demon of vengeance named Zarathos. In any case, this movie should have been something like The Crow, which was a nice little gothic action film. It took itself seriously, but was filled with humor---unlike this sack of crap, which tries for bad jokes and fails miserably and the one that sums up this movie is when Eva Mendes is nervously waiting for Nicholas Cage at dinner and pulls out a GIANT MAGIC EIGHT BALL! Yeah, it’s supposed to be funny. It’s not. Other “funny” bits are that Johnny Blaze doesn’t drink but puts jelly beans in martini glasses. He sold his soul to the devil, but has to listen to The Carpenters before every stunt. What’s funny in a sad way is that Nicholas Cage drags out his Elvis again for this role, complete with the pointing pose. Yes, he does it all as Elvis. Well, I guess it is kinda funny. Too bad the movie isn’t meant to be a comedy. But it is a joke.
NOT ONLY AM I OLD, BUT I DON’T READ EITHER
Bridge To Terabithia opens at number two and I know nothing about this. Nothing.
SEE YOU IN THAT THIRD RIDDICK MOVIE
Norbit is down to number three and also in this is Thandie Newton, who is rumored to have been so bothered by Eddie Murphy’s behavior she almost quit. She probably should have, as I don’t see it doing much for her career. After all, did you even know she was in it until I told you?
I WAS TOO SHY TO BE DIGGING YOUR SCENE SO WAKE ME UP BEFORE YOU GO-GO
Music & Lyrics opens at number four and this was made for me. Romantic comedy, set in New York City, an 80’s music theme and starring Hugh Grant. It had me from the opening, which is an 80’s video done in pure 80’s style. Having lived through it, I recognized every cheesy aspect. The presence of a narrative that literally reflects the lyrics, the bad slow motion, shot on actual video as opposed to film… So many memories. Hugh Grant plays the Andrew Ridgeley half of a Wham type group (they even hired a guy who looked like George Michael to play the other guy) who makes his living doing oldies shows at amusement parks and twenty-year high school reunions. He gets an opportunity to have a big hit again when a Britney type star turns out to be a big fan and wants him to write a song for her. The problem is, while he can write the music, lyrics were his problem, which is why he never had another hit again. Into this comes Drew Barrymore who just happens to watering the plants in his apartment while he’s trying to write and comes up with lyrics naturally. It’s sheer romantic comedy contrivance, but that’s what we’re here for. The only real problem is, if you know anything about the music business, you know that if Hugh Grant co-wrote songs that sold 20 million copies and co-wrote the songs his ex-partner used in his solo career, then he really doesn’t need money at this point. He doesn’t live badly, but honestly, if he were that successful a songwriter then he would never have to work again. Hugh Grant does what he does best: the self-deprecating one-liners with his patented delivery. I’ve never been a Drew Barrymore fan and this movie didn’t change it for me. Aside from the age disparity (given all the jokes about age in this, there’s oddly not one about the difference in their ages), she’s not really a good match for Hugh Grant. I know you people like how soft and lovable she always is, but that’s not a match for Hugh Grant’s sharpness.
OH GOD, I NEED A MAN. THANK YOU, GOD, FOR THIS MAN. THE END.
Tyler Perry’s Daddy’s Little Girls opens at number five and if you can’t get enough of this fucker’s stories about women who only need a good man to make their lives complete, then here’s another. You couldn’t pay me to watch this shit.
HEY, I’D BE HAPPY TO BE PRETTY AND KEPT. HELL, JUST KEPT EVEN.
Breach opens at number six and given the movies that are suddenly coming out with Ryan Philippe in them, I’m starting to think that it was his insistence on trying to find work again that killed their marriage. Didn’t he get that he was to be happy being Reese Witherspoon’s pretty boy husband who used to be an actor before settling into a full time father and eye candy for her movie premieres? I’m mean, let’s face it: it’s not like he’s DeNiro or anything. He tends to talk like he’s got marbles in his mouth. This is based on a true story, but in this post Cold War world, how interesting is it? It just seems strangely dull to me and not even the presence of my beloved Laura Linney can change that.
SMART WOMEN, FOOLISH CHOICES
Hannibal Rising is down to number and what the hell is Gong Li doing in this? These poor Hong Kong stars make the worst movie choices in trying to crossover here. Granted, hopping on the Hannibal Lecter gravy train initially seems like a good idea, but given that even the whorish Anthony Hopkins doesn’t show up here, you should have realized this was not the move to make. And this right after what should have been another sure thing: the Miami Vice movie. And Memoirs of A Geisha before that. Three strikes…
THE END
Because I Said So is down to number eight, followed by The Messengers at number nine and Night at the Museum closes out the top ten at number ten.
IN MY MIND IT’S A MONTAGE
Given that I’m working out regularly now and even doing the horrific weight training, I’ve had to make the all-important “workout mix” to distract myself and make it tolerable:
Halcyon On+On+On - Orbital (mostly for stretching and crunches)
Mortal Kombat Theme – Utah Saints (kinda makes you want to punch out the guy next to you)
Other Mortal Kombat Theme – The Immortals (yes, there will be violence)
Ride of the Valkyries - Wagner (nothing like a little Teutonic music to pump it up)
Carmina Burana (first heard it in Excalibur when Arthur comes back at the end)
Conan Main Theme (usually, I save this for the sex mix, but it works here too)
Rocky Main theme (this was a given)
Going The Distance (very important for when you’re running out of gas to picture Rocky coming after Creed in that final round)
Look Out For #1 – Tommy Faragher (yes, from the Stallone directed Saturday Night Fever sequel)
Superman Main Theme (again, given)
Planet Krypton (this is what plays when you see Krypton for the first time. Awesome.)
Lois & Clark Theme (stop looking surprised)
Superman 50’s Theme (seriously, do you know me)
Superman Animated theme (now, you’re just looking stupid for not seeing it coming)
Wish I Could Fly Like Superman – The Kinks (perfect motivation for the everyman)
Super Friends Theme (To fight injustice. To right that which is wrong. And to get one more rep out of your fat ass and serve all mankind)
Star Wars Throne Room (prefer it to the main theme actually)
Battlestar Galactica (eh, you can only listen to Star Wars so much)
Flash Gordon Theme - Queen (Flash! Ah-ahhhhh!)
My Hero – Foo Fighters (can you hear this and not think of yourself doing great things in slow motion?)
Winners – Kleer (you’d have to be Black and of a certain age to know this, but it would be perfect for a training montage scene in a movie)
I briefly had “Macho Man” and “Muscles” (a gem of a song Michael Jackson wrote for Diana Ross) but realized it really didn’t add to my motivation and was a little too gay. Besides, they play them both in the locker room for the “after workout pose-down" that everyone but me does in the mirror.
ITSY WEENY, TEENY WEENY…
So it used to be that I could count the number of Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Issues I’d ever bought. I got the anniversary issues and the issue where Tyra was on it alone and that was it (the ones the women I worked with made me buy for them don’t count). But buying this recent one with Beyonce does, unfortunately. Sorry, but it called out to me on a cold winter’s day. I know it bothers some people, but how can you think to put standards on Sports Illustrated’s Swimsuit issue. If they had standards, they wouldn’t even have one! It’s joke when it’s models and a joke when it’s pop stars. No difference in my mind. What’s sad is that you do have some seriously hot female jocks out there, but they’re nowhere to be seen this year (though some have popped up from time to time). But you know what I do miss? The “Making Of” special that used to accompany it. It started off on network TV, then was pushed to TNT and last I heard showed up on Spike TV where no one but the horniest, loneliest man in the world was watching. I don’t even know if they made one this year. I enjoyed it, but I’m not going to look for it. Besides, it’s just not the same since that woman who ran it for years finally retired. It’s somehow less creepy when a woman does it. The other problem is, over the last few years, this kind of “faux porn” has been rendered redundant by the proliferation of “faux porn” like Maxim, Stuff and FHM. But salvation seems to on the way. FHM has folded in America and the publisher of Maxim in London is looking to sell it off. Pretty soon guys too wimpy to buy real porn are just going to have to embrace their homosexuality sooner than they planned because this newsstand cover is about to be blown away.
COME RIDE THE TRAIN (IF YOU KNOW WHAT I’M SAYIN’?)
I like the NYC Condom. Almost makes me want to have sex, but for that I’d need job… Maybe next time they’ll get it right and have single condoms with each train line. Of course after you do that, some will sell better than others, so you can only sell them in packs. Think about it. Everyone will want the “9” first and foremost. Then the “7” and because we’re all 14 years old the “B” “D” “C” “V” “M” “A” and especially the “F” will take on new and very obvious meanings. Condoms for the “1” “2” “3” “4” “5” and “6” will be only for the brave or guys into the ironic. The “L” “Q” “G” “J” and “Z” will be last in your nightstand drawer even after the “1”.
2/11/07
YEAH, HE’S BIG
Opening huge at number one is Norbert and if I were Eddie Murphy I’d burn $100 bills and send the ashes to all the critics who used his Dreamgirls nomination to beat up on this as if they’re somehow connected. As if he should have foreseen when he was making either movie last fucking year that he should choose one or the other. As if Eddie Murphy has a history of making fucking art films and not big budget totally mainstream studio fare. As if he hadn’t made The Golden Child, Harlem Nights, Another 48 Hours, etc… It was a sell-out when Nicholas Cage did it, because he had a history or doing more artistic fare when he hooked up with Jerry Bruckheimer, so it was a bit of a sellout. Not Eddie Murphy. He’s doing what he’s always done. Sometimes it’s good and sometimes it sucks. This time it looks like it sucks, so I didn’t see it (also it had to be cut down to make a PG-13 and you know how I am when I know the film has been cut for the wrong reasons), though I insist he did the best work of his life in The Nutty Professor. Sadly, only make-up artist Rick Baker agrees with me. Nonetheless, if I were him, I would be sooo all about telling people to go fuck themselves. “30 fucking million dollars in one weekend for me and only me! So, go suck it!”
HOW ABOUT HANNIBAL KILLING HIS WAY THROUGH JR HIGH?
Hannibal Rising opens at number two and apparently we’re going to see every moment of Hannibal Lecter’s life until he was put in jail. Since this takes place in the 50’s, we’re going to see him eating people and outwitting cops over a 30 year period, but given that $13M isn’t bad given no stars, but not great either, expect to see a lot of them done direct to video. What’s really sad is that this is the movie author Thomas Harris had the most involvement in, letting you know Hollywood has actually always been right in excluding them for the most part. Or did you not know that Margaret Mitchell wanted Jimmy Stewart for Rhett Butler? Or Ian Fleming wanted David Niven to be James Bond? And to be honest, Jodie Foster looks nothing like Clarice Starling as Harris created her. His was a typical pretty blonde and he wasn’t exactly sad to see Foster go (and be replaced by the more conventionally attractive Julianne Moore). But it’s more than that. Success isn’t good for the work of every artist. Harris is no better than any Hollywood producer in milking one character for every dollar he can get out of it (not to mention he made the ill-advised and rightfully ignored decision to have Lecter and Clarice become lovers in his last book, which was filled with so many bad creative choices it was the reason, Jonathan Demme and Jodie Foster refused to come back). So chances are he’ll be writing the screenplays for all the bad Hannibal sequels to come.
BLONDAGE
Because I said So is down to number three and Mandy Moore needs a new agent and a new manager. A new agent so she can stop making movies like this (though it’s hard to say “no” to a movie where you work with Diane Keaton) and a new manager so she makes better albums. Those covers she tried to do a few years ago still make me cringe, (though her remake of “Someday We’ll Know” by the New Radicals wasn’t bad). But I’m torn about Piper Perabo, who is also in this and while her career has never lived up to her next “It” girl hype, she does keep working and in decent sized productions (this, The Prestige) and isn’t showing her ass on Cinemax with Richard Grieco or C. Thomas Howell. She also takes her chances in art films (which translates as being both naked and gay) but she’s not really making any waves there either. Methinks a sitcom is the best thing for both of them.
IT’S TOUGH FOR THE PRETTY DUDES TOO
The Messengers is down to number four and also slumming in this is none other than Dylan McDermott who had a brief moment of heat when he was the lead in The Practice. Nothing should tell you how difficult it is in Hollywood when you’re a tall, good looking guy with decent acting chops and some modicum of fame and the best you can get on the big screen is playing the dad of the main character in a horror movie. I mean, he’s got age-appropriate Penelope Ann Miller as his wife. You’re definitely not a star when you’re over 30 and have to make movies alongside actresses who are over 30 and aren’t former models. Dylan, it may be time to call Clint Eastwood and just beg your one time director and co-star (In the Line of Fire) for some work.
THIS IS HOW ANGRY GEEKS ARE BORN
Night at the Museum is down to number five and word has come amongst the geeks that David Goyer, who wrote all the Blade films and co-wrote the Batman Begins screenplay is no longer writing and directing The Flash movie and is being replaced as director by Shawn Levy, who directed this. Now, given how Blade Trinity blew and David Goyer wrote and directed that, it’s not much of a loss, but giving this tool The Flash is an even greater mistake. This bonehead directed the Birds of Prey pilot, which sucked so much donkey dick it should be doing shows in Mexico. Thank god I’m not that much of a Flash fan so it’s no big loss to me. Besides, David Goyer was going with Wally West as The Flash rather than Barry Allen and I’m an old geek who isn’t having that (don’t worry if you don’t know what I’m talking about; it’s hardcore virgin-living-in-your-parents-house geekness).
YET ANOTHER PROBLEM MATT DAMON ISN’T HAVING
Epic Movie is down to number six followed by Smoking Aces at number seven and going unnoticed in this is Ben Affleck, who made something of a comeback last year with Hollywoodland. I’m sure he’s a bit grateful, otherwise he’d be getting the same kind of shit Eddie Murphy is getting for Norbert with this Tarantino knock-off.
EVERYONE BECOMES A GRUMPY OLD MAN IN THE END
Pan’s Labyrinth is down to number eight, followed by Dreamgirls at number nine and Smokey Robinson has crossed over into crazy old delusional man territory. He thinks that the producers of Dreamgirls owe Berry Gordy and apology for the character Jamie Foxx plays in this, which is very obviously based on him. Um, Smokey? Dreamgirls is THIRTY FUCKING YEARS OLD! Where have you been? I mean besides cheating on your wife for thirty years only to finally have her divorce you when she learned you had a secret 25-year-old son. Then you had that crack addiction… Of course, if my mom ever read this, I could never go home. In my house, Smokey Robinson is a god.
IT’S LIKE TWO DEGREES OF SEPARATION OVER THERE
Finally, The Queen holds at number ten and here’s a bit of trivia: Helen Mirren had a tiny role in a production of A Midsummer’s Night Dream that starred fellow nominee Judi Densch. The talented English acting pool is a small one indeed.
YOU CAN’T SPELL SHIT WITHOUT “IT”
Not breaking the top ten is Factory Girl, the long-delayed bio-pic of Andy Warhol “It” girl, Edie Sedgwick that Harvey Weinstein stupidly put in one theater in LA at the end of last year to try and qualify for the Oscars, only to go unnoticed and cost everyone involved with chances this year. Now, twenty years ago it was supposed to be Molly Ringwald directed by Warren Beatty which might have been interesting because it’s unlikely that Bob Dylan could make Beatty back down about his supposed relationship with Edie (he denies it which is why the folk-singing, mumbling superstar played by Hayden Christensen is named Billy). And ten years ago this was supposed to be Winona Ryder (who decided to start living the stealing drug using part). Hell, just two years ago Katie Holmes as signed to it, but then she was kidnapped and brainwashed and it opened up for the much more appropriate for the role, Sienna Miller, who actually worked as an actress before becoming famous simply for having Jude Law’s dick in her…then not in her but in the nanny…and back in her again. Truth be told, she does a decent job as Edie Sedgwick, but that’s because the movie really doesn’t give her much to do and quite frankly, accent aside she’s kinda playing herself: a woman famous because of her proximity to a famous man. The attempts at drama come from Edie’s sordid past as the sexually abused daughter of a rich WASP family. Yes, that story again. Are there any rich families where the patriarch doesn’t destroy his gay son and rape his daughter resulting in her running around the world doing drugs to ease the pain and sleeping with everything that moves in an attempt to find love? What makes this film vaguely shocking is that it apparently had the approval of her surviving brother because he appears himself in the closing credits (though he’s never depicted in the film, which is part of the problem), so basically he’s confirming that their father raped his daughter. The film tries to let us know that she was pretty much doomed from the beginning because of this, but can’t resist suggesting that both Andy Warhol and Bob Dylan were partially responsible for her ultimate self-destruction. Yeah, because no one else would have allowed and emotionally damaged rich kid destroy herself. While I ordinarily applaud the 90-minute run time, when you’re doing someone’s life, you might want to cough up that extra half an hour and do him or her a little justice. Especially when you have real-life testimony in the credits by people who knew Edie and none of what they is in the film (like the people who actually tried to stop her from taking drugs). Guy Pearce is fine as Warhol, but I’ve never seen anyone be bad at Warhol, mainly because Warhol was actually playing Andy Warhol himself. But what the hell is Jimmy Fallon doing here? In a straight dramatic role no less.
JUST SO YOU KNOW: THE GRAMMYS SUCK AND I’M NOT A COUNTRY MUSIC FAN
I don’t watch The Grammys. I tape it and then watch the musical numbers because The Grammys suck. They’ve always sucked. Huey Lewis has more Grammys than Paul McCartney and if that isn’t proof then I don’t know what is. But the way my DVR works is that if you’re recording two channels you have to watch one of them and since I was writing this at the time and didn’t want it on something I had to pay attention to (like Rome or Battlestar Galactica or…Grease: You’re The One That I Want), I had to sit through The Grammys. And they sucked. Tony Bennett doesn’t deserve a Grammy for his latest album of shitty duets, but The Grammys are for people who buy their music in a Starbucks…because I’m old, I did dig seeing The Police reunite. I’ll give them credit because they are obviously doing it for themselves. There’s no great movement to get them back together and god knows Sting doesn’t need the money. But if I’m Andy Summers, it’s gonna be a long tour because Stewart Copeland is tall and naturally thin-looking, while Sting is chiseled by yoga, while you’ve got that pot belly so big even being in all black couldn’t hide it…I’m not the biggest country music fan, but I do like that “go fuck yourself” song the Dixie Chicks did and am glad they got mainstream success with it…there’s a part of us that’s always a teenager, which is why I’m always excited to see Prince, even when all he’s doing is introducing Beyonce doing that suckass song…okay, Mary J, we get it. No more drama in your life and you’re happy now. Too bad you made better music when you were fucked up and unhappy…the Justin Timberlake album gets better the more I listen to it. But the song he’s doing is not one of the reasons why…I like Corinne Bailey Rae and I like John Mayer, but could do without John Legend. Sorry, but he bores me. And I’m glad John Mayer won, though it’s because he’s the safest like all Grammy choices…how many times a day do you think Wyclef Jean drops to his knees and thanks god for letting Shakira come into his life with that duet? But it sucks when they perform it because they’re both jumping around too much to bother singing. Not that we need her to sing. She can dance around as much as she wants…I don’t like CeeLo so I simply cannot stand Knarls Barkley, Modest Mouse be dammed…Damn, Mary J again going on about how love changed her life. If her husband ever leaves her, she’ll need to be on suicide watch for the rest of her life… forget that I’m not the biggest fan of country music; Rascal Flats just suck. They suck out loud and trashed every Eagles song they touched. Apparently the far superior country tribute to the Eagles done years ago has been forgotten…speaking of Smokey WHAT A BAD EYE JOB! And who the fuck is dressing him!?! A sixty-something man does not run around in a translucent shirt! So sad. But I’m sure my mom was as excited to see him as I was seeing Prince…out of all the good songs Lionel Richie has done, he does freaking “Hello”? Sigh…and I hate Chris Brown. One Usher is almost one too many, so this little clone of him just sucks. And they’re “steppin’” too? He has no fucking right to be standing next to Lionel Richie and Smokey…Initially, Christina seems to be an excellent choice to do “It’s A Man’s World” but of course she ruins it with her habit of overdoing it. It could have been so good, but she blew it…the roll of death. Extra long because Death is on a tear of the talented. And the James Brown tribute is nice, though marred by another appearance of Chris Brown. Excuse me, but is Prince not sitting there in the fucking audience. It should have been him…poor Earth Wind & Fire. One of the greatest R&B bands of all time reduced to backing up a rapper. Sigh. Well, at least they didn’t let Mary J talk about her life again. And you see Maurice White didn’t get out of bed for it…though overplayed to death, there’s enough sincerity in James Blunt’s song about being stoned and seeing a woman on the train that it’s still nice. You did know that’s what it’s about, right? It’s not a love song. It’s a song of delusion and longing and quite frankly, loneliness. Why the hell else would I like it?...now I don’t respect The Grammys at all, but theoretically they are supposed to represent excellence, so what’s with this American Idol crap? And that poor girl who won. She was so uneasy onstage. She did her best, but her awkwardness was plain to see. This is why contests suck and you do need to pay your dues. It’s how you learn your craft. And if Justin Timberlake was going to get this, why give him a performance earlier? I’d rather see more acts than the same ones twice…if you didn’t know how old the Red Hot Chili peppers were you know it now. They have Grammys…and every year one person or group wins it all. This year it’s the Dixie Chicks and for the first time I’m glad. I hope they sell even more albums because the best revenge is living well. Nothing would be a bigger “Fuck you” to country music than for them to make more money without them than with them.
I THINK DEATH NEEDED MORE BIMBOS FOR ALL THE DEAD ROCK STARS
Death continues to take the entertainers. Sidney Sheldon died and aside from writing some fine trashy novels with decent sex scenes, he also wrote one of my favorite Cary Grant movies, The Bachelor and The Bobbysoxer. Death also took Billy Henderson who was a co-founder of The Spinners. And Death also took…Anna Nicole Smith? Well, I’m sure her car crash of a life entertained some. Me, I’m thinking this woman is cursed. First her son, then her and now her little girl is being left alone in a situation even more sordid that her mother’s (we’ve got four potential fathers now and one of them is dead). It’s almost too sad to laugh about. Almost.
2/4/07
HELL, LIVING KIDS ARE SCARY ENOUGH
Opening at number one is The Messengers, thanks to a fairly effective ad campaign and who knows how much better it might have done on any other weekend but this one? I’m actually glad, because I despise this “snuff porn” trend going on right now and I’m happy for anything that chooses effective thrills over gore and brutality. This comes from Japan where dread rules (though they are not strangers to some serious gore). Of course I’ll never see it, because I don’t do the scary, especially ghostly children. Remember: I never liked Casper for just that reason. For me the most interesting thing about this is the mom is played by Penelope Ann Miller. Remember when she was oddly the hot thing of the moment? Neither blonde nor particularly beautiful, she was strangely on the short hot list to be with every leading man, from Alec Baldwin (The Shadow) to Arnold Schwarzenegger (Kindergarten Cop) to Robert DeNiro (Awakenings) to Matthew Broderick (twice with Biloxi Blues and The Freshman) to Danny Devitto (Other People’s Money). She was also with Al Pacino (Carlito’s Way), with whom she had an affair and blabbed about it to People Magazine. That was pretty much the beginning of the end. Of course it didn’t help that everything after Kindergarten Cop tanked. She wound up as Tom Selleck’s love interest on his attempt at a sitcom after Friends made someone think he could carry one. Now what did most of these leading men have in common? She was a good 10-20 years younger, which earned her the ire of none other than Teri Garr who referred to her as “Cantaloupe” Ann Miller, suggesting she was just a piece of ripe fruit that all the middle-aged leading men wanted a piece of. But I will not front. I liked her myself and the best things about Carlito’s Way were her nude scenes and an almost unrecognizable Sean Penn.
BUT WOODY ALLEN WOULD DIE BEFORE BEING NEXT A WOMAN HIS OWN AGE NOW
Because I Said So opens at number two and this is what we call “counter programming” kids. A multi-generational chick flick on Super Bowl weekend and how freaking awful did those trailers look? My god. You realize just how good Woody Allen was that he knew to keep a leash on Diane Keaton’s “comic instincts” because with a director who doesn’t know how to control her, it’s a tic parade. Things that may have been charming in Annie Hall are like a drill to the forehead in just a two-minute trailer. I like the romantic comedy the way I don’t like the scary, so my first impulse is to give this a chance, but that trailer made damn sure I didn’t. It was romcom generic in all the worst ways and I don’t know why the keep introducing the “twist” of the parents of two people who are dating hooking up. I it unbelievably creepy to think that your mom or dad is sleeping with my mom or dad. Probably in a similar way that we’re sleeping together because they’re like us. Ew, ew, ew.
SERIOUSLY. THE DUDE IS STRANGE.
Epic Movie drops to number three and professional weirdo/actor Crispin Glover is in this. Yes, he’s still alive and apparently sane enough to know how and where to get a paycheck. But you shouldn’t be surprised. His appearances in the Charlie’s Angels movies were hardly about art. But he must manage his money well, because he can’t be making that much of it to do the work he does. I can’t believe he hasn’t been on a reality show by now, but he may in fact be too weird even for that.
YES, DENIRO WILL BE THERE TOO, BECAUSE…WELL, BECAUSE HE’S A WHORE
Night at the Museum is still hanging around at number four, but apparently this simply hasn’t made Ben Stiller either rich enough or popular enough because there’s going to be one more film of the Meet The Parents series: Meet The Little Focker. Well, if it keeps him from trying to exercise his dramatic chops again, I suppose it’s all for the best. I’m still trying to recover from his turn as a heroin addict in Permanent Midnight. Ooh, trivia: on the day Bobby Kennedy was shot, Robert DeNiro was working as waiter and served none other than Dustin Hoffman.
MAYBE HE SHOULD HAVE DONE THAT VAN WILDER SEQUEL AFTER ALL
Smokin’ Aces is down to number five and speaking of wasting one’s bullet, also in this is Ryan Reynolds and I want to like this guy, but he keeps making crap and acting the same in everything. I tried to finally watch Just Friends on cable, but I couldn’t because it seemed like a reject script from Ben Stiller’s theater of pain, where his character had to be subjected to as much humiliation as possible as he returned to his home town for the first time in ten years to try and win the girl he secretly loved who was also his best friend. There was actually a nice twist that the other big high school geek had also gone from ugly duckling into a swan and was competing with him for her. But rather than go for the more straightforward romantic comedy, they went in for some over-the-top stuff that conflicted with the more human story going on. I’m not saying that Anna Faris doing a Britney/Paris Hilton riff wasn’t funny, but it was out of place in this movie. And had he played it a little straighter in Blade Trinity, he might have shown some promise in the action film genre, which desperately needs a lead with some personality. But he didn’t, which is why we’re raiding the old action home to bring back Bruce Willis in Die Hard 4. At this rate he’s going to doing these films when he’s 80 and running out of people to fight. “Those damn kids have thrown their Frisbee onto retired cop, John McClane’s property for the last time…Die Hard 17: Stay Off My Lawn!”
DID I MENTION THAT EDDIE MURPHY CANNOT FUCKING SING?
Stomp The Yard is down to number six, followed by Dreamgirls at number seven and I don’t know how it plays out in the theatrical version, but a large problem with the story is when Jennifer Hudson’s Effie character is kicked out of the group and her brother, doesn’t speak to her again for almost a decade. Even though she’s living with their father, they apparently have no contact to the point where her daughter doesn’t know who her uncle is! If this incredibly improbable, utterly uncharacteristic turn is one of the reasons why it wasn’t nominated for an Oscar, then I’m totally with it. Even worse, when he finally does talk to her again, all is forgiven in a matter of moments. It would have been better for the characters and better for the film overall if it had done the more “realistic” thing and he tried to maintain contact with her, only to be rejected. But that his character is shown to be so heartless, it makes his conflict with the equally heartless Jamie Foxx character less about right and wrong and more about two egomaniacs, and his reunion with his sister less about love than about him exploiting her when he’s nowhere else to go. Not to mention, she’s living with dad in a small apartment, suggesting he’s not sending money home to him either! This type of shallow characterization seems to fly onstage (as Rent showed me). Apparently those people are a lot more forgiving of this type of thing. Movie people, however are not. Yes, I know it’s a musical and you can’t sacrifice music time for character time, but the way this is accomplished in musicals is the make the characterization into a song and there should have been a song about their relationship as brother and sister. I’d gladly sacrifice the new song made for the movie that Eddie Murphy sings with Beyonce, which really doesn’t do a thing to define character and subjects us once again to his reed-thin voice.
ANOTHER DEAD HORSE I’LL BEAT UNTIL NEW MOVIES COME OUT
Pan’s Labyrinth holds at number eight and yes, I’m still irritated over the ending of this because if they had made it clear she wasn’t crazy and that the only way she could return to the magical kingdom was to sacrifice her human self (which is a common occurrence in fairy tales) it could have been amazing. Now it just bothers me like sand in the crack of my shorts.
THE END
The Pursuit of Happyness is down to number nine with The Queen closing out the top ten at number ten.
JUST WAIT TILL NEXT YEAR!
Football is now pretty much over so the only thing I had proving I’m straight beyond my porn collection is now gone for six months. It was a decent game. No matter what they say about Chicago, they were still pretty much in it until that final interception. And fuck you Grossman haters. You didn’t get the Super Bowl on Brian Griese. You got there on Grossman. Funny how the Colts’ running game carried them more than Peyton Manning’s passing. We call that irony, kids. For most of America the Super Bowl has become pretty much another national holiday. Not to mention an excuse for people to throw a party and there’s nothing wrong with that. But for people who don’t care about the game and get bored there are the commercials and for me, the most talked about one was the best. I refer, of course, to Kevin Federline’s commercial. Yeah, a few of the Bud Lights were funny, e-trade was clever and the David Letterman/Oprah idea was simply inspired, but Kevin Federline had the best and funniest of the night (I’d almost forgotten Jessica Simpson did one). And say what you want, I’ll take one untalented Kevin Federline with a sense of humor and honest view of himself over a million humorless, talented pretentious pricks (but let’s not talk about Ed Norton). What was surprising was the lack of big movie ads. No Spider-Man, no Die Hard 4, no Fantastic Four, no Shrek 3, no Harry Potter, no Grindhouse (Quentin Tarantino’s next)… No huge movies at all. Have they abandoned the Super Bowl or are they just saving up for the Oscars? And then there’s the half-time show. This year it was Prince and if this isn’t proof to him that he’s an old man now, then I don’t know what is. He’s gone from being a threat to the youth of America, to family safe entertainment for our most beloved sporting event. I mean it was freaking McCartney last year. It was a decent 15 or so minutes, but I was a little disappointed he didn’t run through a nice selection of his hits. I mean, I can think of about two hundred songs I would have chosen over “Baby I’m A Star” which I wasn’t a fan of when Purple Rain came out. Speaking of which, he could retire that title song too. It was always a bit trite and R&B clichéd to me and he has better and more emotional ballads. I’m old school, hardcore Prince, people. I love Parade, which you know best as the soundtrack for Under A Cherry Moon. It’s got some of the best work he’s done on it, though my favorite will always be Dirty Mind (and he needs to get his ass compromising with Warner Brother so he can get all that classic shit remastered). One thing he did that still impresses me is something he did on his last tour: rock covers. Now Prince almost never does cover and when it does, they usually suck. “Betcha By Golly Wow” “I Can’t Make You Love Me” and “Every Day Is A Winding Road” suck so much ass they should be in gay porn. But when he unleashes his guitar skills on a rock tune it’s something to hear. At the Rock & Roll Hall of Fame when he did George Harrison, he was the only person playing that night that did more than a slavish devotion to an old song. Last night was no different. He’s avoided Hendrix for forever for obvious reasons. Every white person in America thinks only Hendrix when they see a black guy playing rock guitar even though Prince’s most obvious influence is fucking SANTANA! But I wouldn’t mind hearing him do some of Jimi’s work. He even made me like that Foo Fighters song “Best of You” for the first time. In fact, I liked watching him perform so much, I may go to the used CD store and he get last album. It should be about $2, which is all I’m willing to pay for it. But I can’t believe he did no James Brown tribute of any kind. And while you may think the rain was a problem, it was actually a blessing in disguise, because it saved us from him doing any kind of dancing. And I’m just gonna pretend I didn’t see that fucking doo-rag the same way I’ve been ignoring it for the last couple of years.