03/26/07 TSIFD (TOTALLY STUPID IDEAS FROM DOUCHEBAGS)
TMNT opens at number one at the same amount the first opened at 17 years ago (though, adjusted for inflation it’s was actually $39M). That acronym is supposed to be the studio’s way of “maturing” Teenage Ninja Mutant Turtles, like the way New Kids On The Block tried NKOTB. In other words, more sad confirmation that “marketing” should never be offered as an actual major at any reputable college. Granted it still opened at number one but would have done so anyway, given the combination of not just the old fans, but the old fans taking their kids (the franchise is nearly 25 years old at this point). So do they really think they helped their overall gross by hiding the movie like that? Hell, even when I was going to see it, I was confused. But it was an enjoyable 90 minutes, I won’t lie. This concept was made for CGI. I saw the first film but barely even remember it. This however, is like Superman Returns being a sequel to the second (which I never saw) and they’re pretending the third one didn’t happen. I didn’t see it, but it’s funny it’s as reviled as Superman III when it actually had the most inspired premise, which was sending them back into time to feudal Japan where real ninja existed (well, that and Paige Turco in the April role). As a geek, I remember this began as a very successful comic book. It was a parody of Frank Miller’s Daredevil run, which made ninjas a huge hit in comics. They even parodied his art style. But it took off and became a franchise so successful that one of the creators was able to marry that skanky pin-up chick and Penthouse Pet, Julie Strain, but not so successful that he couldn’t do better than that skanky pin-up chick and Penthouse Pet, Julie Strain. I’m not sure the plot really matters here, but there is one (it involves monsters and ninjas, of course), but believe it or not this is more about the inter-family drama between the turtles and they do try to give at least two of them distinct personalities, going so far as to give one a New York accent. In fact, the high point of the movie both dramatically and technically is when the two brothers face off in the rain on a rooftop (Frank would be proud). Kinda makes you wonder why they couldn’t make the other hour and twenty minutes as interesting.
DOES THIS MAKE FRANK MILLER AN OFFICAL WEATHER GIRL?
300 is down to number two and if you didn’t believe me that a gay porn version of this was redundant, then go here: http://defamer.com/hollywood/300/its-raining-300-men-246637.php That may actually be more entertaining than the movie. At least it’s not pretending.
BECAUSE GOD, GUNS AND GUTS MADE AMERICA GREAT
Shooter opens at number three and if you think the world is run by the rich and that the government and the oil companies form a sinister cabal to keep the world divided into the few “haves” and the many “have-nots’…well, you’re not wrong and you have a movie here for you. I can’t decide if The Shooter is a left-wing fantasy where the government and big business are ruthlessly evil (plenty of shots are taken at the Bush Administration here) or a right-wing fantasy because it’s one soldier and the Second Amendment as the only way to bring justice into this world (because the First Amendment is for pussies and really doesn’t punish the guilty). Either way it is a fantasy, with the same suspension of disbelief required to watch a ninja mutant turtle. Our superhero this time around is Mark Walberg and in typical action hero mode, he’s a trained soldier who’s turned his back on that life only to be recruited once more to prevent an attack on the president by a sniper. He’s then framed for a different assassination so poorly, the local weatherman could have proved his innocence. As typical with action movies every cop but one has to be an idiot for this to work. In this case the smart cop is a smart F.B.I. agent (a minority, of course) and he quickly becomes Walberg’s sidekick as they literally kill a small army of mercenaries. I won’t say it wasn’t fun, but at two hours a little long for something so dumb and heavy handed. I’m going to lean more towards right-wing fantasy because the only good guys are those who sign up for government service, be it the military or law enforcement and the bad guys are civilians, either elected officials or ex-military now selling their services to the highest bidder. Women? Are you kidding? This is a man’s world and women are just here to support the men and look hot in their underwear. While we are missing the “R” rated action film staple of needless-trip-to-a-strip-club, we do get the only two speaking women in the film in their underwear. The first is the widow of Walberg’s partner, seen at home in a translucent white top and later being tortured in a bra and---and I’m not kidding---Rhona Mitra as an F.B.I. secretary. She’s not even a fucking agent! Yeah, this is right-wing, because a good little liberal fantasy would have had her be an agent at least. And she answers at least one phone call at home in her underwear. This is not to say Marky Mark doesn’t display the body that made him famous, but only after he’s been shot up, so it’s hardly titillating. For me the high point is a visit to Tennessee (here called “the patron state of shooting stuff”) where they meet a old gun scholar who has no problem seeing it was a conspiracy and casually mentions his own part in the Kennedy assassination (“Those boys on the grassy knoll were buried ten minutes after it was over…I still got the shovel.”)
CAN YOU FORSEE MISS CONGENIALITY 3?
Wild Hogs is down to number four, followed by Premonition at number five and after this disappointment, Sandra Bullock needs to be a guest star on nip/tuck more than they need to have her there. Supposedly, Madonna and Nicole Kidman are also going to be on the show. This is typical Madonna, hopping on something two seconds after it was actually hot, but I can just see Nicole Kidman’s agent begging her not to. After all, even by Hollywood standards she’s botoxing too much. Julian McMahon could care less. He’s got nip/tuck and he’s got the next Fantastic Four movie coming this year. This bomb will never be laid at his feet.
I’M LOOKING FORWARD TO MOM’S MOVIE: 2 GENERATIONS OF SMALL PENISES IN MY HOUSE
The Hills Have Eyes 2 opens at number six and this is all you need to know about this movie: it was written by Wes Craven and his son and in it a loving mother is raped by a monster. If I were Momma Craven, I’d be taking a long hard look at my familial relationships. But this is simply a holdover from the first. The very poster from the first Hills Have Eyes remake where the girl’s head is being held by one of the freaks was pretty much “come watch this girl get raped” and you weren’t disappointed. This makes no sense at all as this time it’s armed and trained National Guardsmen who should just slaughter the mutants in the first five minutes. But then you’d have no story and no scene of a mother getting raped by a monster because a husband and a son are working out their issues onscreen. I mean, god forbid a monster rape a man.
CAN I GET A SHOUT OUT FOR TUFF TURF? ANYONE?
The Last Mimzy opens at number seven and this was for kids who a) couldn’t get into Teenage Ninja Mutant Turtles or b) have those horrible, humorless, pretentious pseudo-intellectual parents who won’t let them eat sugar, block out all the good channels on cable and made them see this because it seemed the smarter movie (then made them read the short story it’s based on). Well, if it’s so damn smart, why does it have such a horrible title? Seriously. It sounds like a foreign film about the last surviving member of theatrical troupe whose members were killed in the holocaust and no one wants to see that! And no one wanted to see this. As far as kiddie science fiction goes, it begins and ends with Escape From Witch Mountain. Ah, Kim Richards. You and your trademark waist length hair. If I’d known you were in Black Snake Moan, I might have seen it.
BECAUSE APPARENTLY THE 9/11 WIDOWS JUST AREN’T INTERESTING ENOUGH FOR A MOVIE
Reign Over Me opens at number eight and if I won’t see movies about 9/11 and I won’t see movies with Adam Sandler even when they’re supposed to be funny, what the hell makes you think I’d ever see this? All I can think about are the real actors who have trained and studied for their craft to see this doofus take what is a pretty meaty dramatic role. It’s like Samuel L. Jackson and rappers. Well almost. Sandler plays the former college roommate of Don Cheadle’s who lost his wife and daughters in 9/11 and we’re getting pretty close to 9/11 just becoming another dramatic device (as opposed to his wife and kids dying in a fire or car accident), which is good and bad. It’s good because it shows that time does in fact heal all wounds. After all, you don’t see any uproar now when a character is embittered by the bombing of the embassies back in the 80’s or the San Francisco earthquake. It’s bad because…well, we ain’t all that healed up. At least not enough that fucking Happy Gilmore can make his bid for artistic respect on top of it (and no, I don’t care if he gave his entire $8M paycheck to charity for it. If he cared so damn much, he would have stepped aside to let a real actor do it). The based-on-fact 9/11 films tend to get a pass, because, well, because they’re true stories and you can’t deny someone a right to tell the truth, but even I’m a little sensitive about it being used as a plot device for drama. I mean does this really change if he lost his wife and kids in a car crash (which is actually a bit scarier because it literally happens every day)? Have you ever heard of a “metaphor?” There have been other films made about people coping after 9/11, but they’ve been indie films, meaning no one has heard of them or will ever see them. This is probably the biggest fictional 9/11 film so far and to me just hiring Adam Sandler tells me you’re not taking it too seriously. Get a real actor for fuck’s sake. Hiring him means you want a broader audience, not that you want to tell a story as effectively as possible.
IT’S NOT THE SWIMMING THEY’RE PROUD OF
Pride opens at number nine and the original poster for this so disturbed the MPAA they accused the filmmakers of “digitally padding” the package of Diana Ross’s son and refused to approve it. Can you say, “Someone at the MPAA has an teeny-weeny little penis?” And if you’ve seen the ass of Diana Ross’s daughter on Girlfriends, you’d now both her children were oddly blessed. Probably to make sure someone would fuck then, given how otherwise unattractive they are. But you know we’re scraping the bottom of the barrel of inspirational sports stories when we’re down to Black people swimming. Hey, I’m Black and I swim all the time, but even I know this borders on science fiction for most people. What next? The inspirational story of the all-Asian basketball team that won a championship? I have no more interest in this than I do any other inspirational “true story” about sports. It’s pretty much a law that every Black actor must make a true story period piece and this is Terrance Howard’s. (well, his first starring theatrical role, as he was in Ray and was Muhammad Ali in a TV movie), but I’m sure that given the number of criminals he’s played, this was a welcome break.
THE END
Dead Silence closes out the top ten at number ten.
BESIDES, THERE’S NO SWING ON THAT BACK PORCH
I’m a big fan of The Chronicles of Riddick and you have to see the director’s cut to really appreciate it. Some fairly important footage was cut and I can’t imagine why. One scene, while not important was particularly enjoyable and provided some much-needed sex appeal for the movie. No, I don’t mean the scene where Thandie Newton tells her husband she wants to blow him while he sits on the throne (that actually does have something to do with the story, so it should have been kept). It’s when one of the female mercenaries wakes up and takes a fairly feral interest in a confined Riddick, literally sniffing at him. I personally think it should have led to a gratuitous and useless sex scene, but all we get is some nice tension when Riddick suddenly awakens and traps her leg between his thighs. I bring this up because I liked the actress (Christina Cox) so I found myself watching a very lame chick show in which she stars called Blood Ties, which is based on a series of books. It’s about a private detective who gets help from her hot cop former partner and a hot vampire in dealing with supernatural cases. Think of it as Buffy grown up with Angel and Riley Finn. It’s total junk TV for women to eat ice cream and watch when there’s nothing better on. Needless to say, it’s on Lifetime. What’s funny about the actress, is while, looking a tad ethnic with her full lips, she’s still as white as can be, but she was originally cast on Girlfriends, meaning she was going to play Black. I can only assume she was supposed to the bi-racial Lynn character before they realized maybe, just maybe, it might be a tad offensive to cast someone as half-Black who was all white. Latinos may tolerate being played by Jews and Italians, but Black people would pitch a fit. I sincerely doubt she brought this up to the closeted-Black, Vin Diesel (his dad was Black, but he doesn’t like to talk about it). Though the also biracial Thandie Newton would have thought it was funny.
TO THINK HE COULD HAVE BEEN IN PRIDE…
Speaking of ugly black guys with big packages, the Kim whatshername sex tape was released and having seen a clip of it, I’ve no desire to see more. She comes across as the fakest of faking porn stars and god knows Brandy’s little brother is a fugly as it gets. Who the hell wants to see this when there’s good porn made by trained professionals sitting right next to it on the shelf!?! He’d better be glad Fate had mercy on his ugly, untalented ass and blessed him like his mom was Diana Ross. He should just accept his new career in porn (where fugly Black guys with big wangs are the rule) and help pay for his sister’s lawyers (in case you missed it, Brandy killed someone in traffic accident a few weeks ago).
BOOZE = SEX BUT NOT IN THE WAY YOU’RE THINKING
If you’re looking for a reason to justify your excessive drinking, look no further than last month’s GQ with Jake Gyllenhaal on the cover. They convene a group of French wine experts and one says you must finish a bottle when you open it. “I’m sorry, but you finish that bottle. You have to drink it. You don’t stop a blowjob halfway, do you? A bottle is like a woman---you go right to the end; you don’t hold back. All those pumps and plastic corks are crap.” He’s a pig, but he’s got a point. So when you open that bottle, know that it’s not only your right to finish but your obligation. And know that anyone who doesn’t want to finish a bottle is probably bad in bed. The French say so and they oughta know.
03/19/07 PORTRAIT OF THE ARTIST AS YOUNG MAN…A JERRY BRUCKHEIMER PRODUCTION
300 and this comes from the director of the remake of Dawn of the Dead, Zak Synder. He’s definitely got some skill but these two successes unfortunately put him behind the long-delayed The Watchmen movie and he simply does not fit. It’s like giving a James Joyce to Michael Bay (though Synder is more talented than Bay). Even though it’s technically a comic book about superheroes, it’s 99% talking heads. It’s not super-fights in tights. It’s a murder-mystery crossed with an apocalyptic thriller, all of which is driven by the engine of characterization, something he doesn’t seem to be on a first name basis with. But it’s been in development for almost 20 years now with (even Terry Gilliam attached at one point), so I seriously don’t expect a movie about superheroes that don’t have super-fights to ever get made no matter who wants to direct.
I’VE GOT A PREMONITION THIS WILL BLOW
Wild Hogs is down to number two, followed by Premonition, opening at number two and I really don’t care for Sandra Bullock, so there wasn’t much chance I’d see her in this. Supposedly she’s never going to do another romantic comedy. Yeah, I guess a whopping “2” was too much for her (Two Week’s Notice and While You Were Sleeping; everything else was utter crap). This movie is an old idea about being given a chance to relive the days in hopes of avoiding a tragedy. Now, if it’s done Twilight Zone style, the dark ending is a forgone conclusion; you must accept fate, all else is folly. If it’s done The Outer Limits style you not only have a happy ending but a moral on how the human spirit can change even time. I don’t see anything with Sandra Bullock being hardcore as the former, so I’m pretty sure her husband will live to see the end of this---unless he turns out to be a bad guy, meaning he’ll deserve his death and there will be an dose of IRONY and she’ll have to kill him either directly or indirectly by knowingly letting him go to his death. The only thing these endings have in common is that I will never see either one. By the way, the IMDB is stealing my material. I’ve been saying for years now that lame horror movies are shortcut ways to movie fame and they said that this was the type of movie that a TV star like Mariska Hargitay should be playing to make her big screen jump. Bastards. I wonder if I could sue…
SUPERMAN ACTION FIGURES DON’T HAVE DEAD, LIFELESS EYES, SO THERE!
Dead Silence opens up at number four and if there’s one thing I dislike more than the scary, it’s the scary with creepy dolls. No way in hell I’d ever see this. The only way this could be worse would be to have it with clown dolls. Brrr. I get the creeps jus thinking about it. And speaking of people taking fame shortcuts through mystery/suspense/horror movies, Amber Valetta is not only in this but Premonition and was also in What Lies Beneath. Catch a clue, Amber: you have to STAR in the goddamn thing!
I THINK YOU SUCK IN FRONT AND BEHIND THE CAMERA
I Think I Love My Wife opens at number five and Chris Rock has been complaining about his wife since he married her and they were actually rumored to be separated---until she got pregnant. Then came his “Never Scared” show where all he did was complain about marriage and not in a tongue-in-cheek “I-really-love-it” type of manner. This is how we wind up with a movie about a man dissatisfied with his marriage and as Cary Grant said in The Bishop’s Wife, “I’m at my most serious when I’m joking.” This is a loose remake of a French film and by “loose” we mean whatever nuance was present there will be lost in the favor of jokes about Viagra. Not that I’d rather see a French film than a good Viagra joke, but you get what I’m saying. Chris Rock clings to the delusion that someone wants to see him interact with women onscreen (much less kiss one) as he plays a man in a marriage going through a rough spot when into his life appears the ex-girlfriend of one of his old buddies. Okay, you know reality isn’t going to be a major player when 1) she just shows up in his office because “she heard” he worked around there and 2) she’s smoking while waiting. Aside from the painfully dated “bad girl” imagery (ooh, she smokes! Maybe she even has a tattoo!) it’s been at least ten years since anyone has been able to smoke in a corporate office. Not to mention you can’t just walk into any significant office without going through security. I know it sounds trite, but these are the details that separate good movies from bad. Or better movies from mediocre ones like this. So we’ve got the painfully non-acting, Chris Rock as the lead (though he did hire an acting coach for this one who’s credited) and lazy short-cuts to actual characterization. Does the humor save it? No, it does not. There are funny moments to be sure (again, the Viagra joke works because they take it to its painful conclusion), but most fail and the only thing keeping me awake is Kerry Washington burning a hole in the screen as the would-be temptress and she’s about the only thing that does ring true (she worked with Chris Rock in the abysmal Bad Company but she had to aske him for the role). If actual writers were involved (just because Rock and his partner, Louis CK can write good stand-up doesn’t mean they can write a movie) we might have had more exploration of her character. As it is, any hint of depth you see comes from her and her alone. Hopefully she’ll get to play this femme fatale character in a film worthy of her talents. But if you think she gets shortchanged, her role is a masterpiece of complexity and shading compared to Gina Torres as the wife. No reason whatsoever is given for her lack of sexual drive. Could it be she’s as bored as he is? We’ll never know because she doesn’t change a single iota from the beginning to the end of the film and just comes across as a humorless, sexless, childcare provider. Again, that Kerry Washington rings so true as temptation and Gina Torres conveys what every man fears in a wife says a lot about what Chris Rock is consciously or unconsciously putting out there. Trivia to put this all in perspective: on a red carpet during the time Chris Rock was rumored to be separated from his wife and before she got pregnant, he was overheard talking to Salma Hayek who asked why he never called her like he said he would. I’m sure it was about work though.
HE’S ALSO THE BEEF COMMERICAL VOICE, ‘CAUSE HE’S A REAL MAN
Bridge to Terabithia is down to number six, followed by Ghost Rider at number seven and Sam Elliot is also in this playing the crusty old guy, a role he now owns. But Elliot was made to be a cowboy. It’s too bad he’s never been in a cowboy movie worthy of his twang, though his TNT movie, The Quick & The Dead is a nice way to waste two hours on a rainy Saturday afternoon. And Shakedown is a serious guilty pleasure of mine. You haven’t seen anything until you’ve seen him hanging on the landing gear of a lear jet to shoot it down off Long Island Sound. Peter Weller is in it too and there’s a great action sequence that shows the former 42nd Street in all its seedy glory.
BUT HOW CAN ANYONE KISS HER NOW?
Zodiac is down to number and also in this is Chloe Sevigny who along with Paris Hilton gives false hope to little porn stars everywhere that you can be seen sucking dick on camera and still have a mainstream career. Granted, neither she nor Paris Hilton is A-list, but David Fincher is an A-list director and Paris Hilton still gets into A-list parties and a dumb little 23-year old from a trailer park really doesn’t aspire to much more. Not to mention Sevigny still got the HBO gig. I shudder to think how many more dumb actresses Vincent Gallo has boned because of that scene from Brown Bunny. Then again, if you’re that dumb, you deserve what you get. Natural selection is a cruel mistress.
IF YOU’RE SO SMART, WHY AREN’T YOU RICH?
Norbit is down to number nine and realize that Eddie Murphy is only a few years older than Chris Rock and Chris Rock hasn’t done a tenth of what Eddie Murphy has done in his career. Just goes to show you, it’s better to be dumb with charisma than smart without it.
COME ON, TIFFANY, DEBBIE…BEATS POSING NUDE.
Music & Lyrics closes out the top ten at number ten and this movie also missed the boat by not packing it full of cameos from 80’s stars willing to make fun of their old image. And by “make fun of their old image” I mean “do anything for a dollar, because no one else is asking.”
BEAUTIFUL GIRLS 2: ONLY PRETTY ON THE OUTSIDE
I’ve no shame. I not only watched October Road, I looked forward to it. It’s actually the bastard child of Beautiful Girls. It was supposed to be a television adaptation of that film, but the writer instead went with the reality, which was the friends he based the characters of Beautiful Girls upon were a little pissed to see versions of themselves onscreen. And if you saw Beautiful Girls, you’ll see pretty much that same group of guys here under similar situations. The goofy one, the happily married guy with kids, the buddy with the local business, the younger woman (though this time she’s at least college age), the father and brother living at home and the dickweed they all hate. The prodigal son returns this time too, only now he’s been gone for ten years and after writing a bestseller about his friends, which they apparently didn’t care too much for. There’s also a girl left behind this time around (Laura Prepon from That 70’s Show and I like her the way the rest of you strangely like her shorter clone, Scarlett Johansson), with a son, oh about ten years old. Yeah, they did that. When I was in my late 20’s I crapped out a similar type of prodigal son story but had trouble making just a three-year time frame work (‘cause a three year old kid is cuter than a ten year old one), because people just don’t do that kind of disappearance act with healthy relationships. You only do it if you hate everyone you left behind, but they want it both ways. Most of his friends still love him and are happy to have him back and there’s no anger from his father (Tom Berenger to show you how far he’s fallen) or brother either. They want our lead to be a nice guy, but a nice guy simply would not do this. The most honest response is the best friend who will not forgive or forget. Similarly, the ex-girlfriend is pissed to the point she’s boning the dickweed they all hate, but she’s not a nice person either. If that’s his kid, then she’s kept the child from his grandfather for a decade! This is typical of why most TV sucks. They want interesting situations, but they want everyone to be likable, but the most interesting people are anything but. They also screw up the music. Yeah, we see a picture of Kurt Cobain, but it’s lots of 70’s rock with heavy handed choices like Boston’s “Don’t Look Back” as he drives away waving to all his friends in the first five minutes and when they “air band” it’s to Thin Lizzy and not say…Bush or The Gin Blossoms. And no offense, but these are supposed to be working class people living in a college town, but nowhere do you get a any sense of that. But I will be back every week, because I currently have this thing for watching clichéd or trainwreck TV (Studio 60, The Black Donnellys). Then there’s that Laura Prepon thing…
ANIMAL HOUSE 2: GET THESE FAT BITCHES OUT OF HERE!
So they banned the sorority that kicked out all the fat girls out. Why? It’s a fucking sorority! Of course they kicked the fat girls out. The wonder is they let them in to begin with! And why were they surprised!?! You joined a fucking sorority! Did you expect depth and compassion!?! Next it’s going to be guys complaining of the homoeroticism and date rape at fraternities. They got exactly what they deserved, what stupid people all deserve. You simply can’t blame the sorority. For if you do, isn’t this an indictment of our educational systems in general? I put it to you, Greg…
THOSE WHO FORGET HISTORY ARE DOOMED TO SING IT
I remember when I was a teenager how I mocked my parents for constantly trying to relieve their youth through music. Unfortunately for us all, they were part of largest population at the time, The Baby Boomers, and so my teen years in the 80’s were spent reliving their teen years, which is how in 1984, Stand by Me was again a fucking top ten hit. Well, it’s the same for every generation it seems, as when I went out drinking with Chasing Amy and her boyfriend (it too me a week to realize every time she mentioned “liking steak” she was referencing this website---yes, I’m slow) we wound up at some karaoke bar under a Thai place in the village. It was someone’s birthday so the place was obviously filled with a similarly aged crowd…and the floodgates of the 90’s burst open! As you may remember, before Britney and N’Sync took over the world, there was a time when rock actually returned to the forefront, thanks to Nirvana and even bands like Toad The Wet Sprocket and Presidents of the United States of America could buy cars for their parents. Well, I didn’t have to remember because every other song being drunkenly warbled out was from that time period. The only exceptions being this one girl from the back with a different crowd, who kicked so much ass on “Pon De Replay” you know she probably tries to do it for a living, and me and Chasing Amy---after we took advantage of the “12 sake shots for $18.” That’s how we wound up duetting on “Little Red Corvette.” Much to our embarrassment, her boyfriend still out-drank us by sticking to his jack & coke. We soon left and went to his apartment to eat frozen pizza and watch Saturday Night Fever, which was filmed where Chasing Amy grew up, so she was able to identity almost every actual location shown---for which her boyfriend and I mocked her relentlessly. And when his superior drunken state put him to bed, the mocking was left up to me. I left around the time Stephanie met Double J, Bobby C and Joey in the White Castle (how in the world did a guy named “Gus” get into their crew?), but after I go home, felt compelled to watch the dance competition and Joey’s demise, despite owning the DVD. Man, I love that movie. And yes, that is Fran “The Nanny” Drescher as the girl who asks Tony if he’s as good in bed as he is on the dance floor.
‘CAUSE DEATH NOT ONLY NEEDED MORE BAND MEMBERS BUT SOMEONE TO OPEN FOR THEM
Okay, so Richard Jeni, whom I liked (his classic “Boy From New York City” special had the great line, “Chicago: the city for people in New York who thought ‘I’m enjoying the crime and the poverty, but it’s just not cold enough.’”), killed himself. His family said he was suffering from depression. The same thing the family of the lead singer of Boston said when he killed himself. Maybe now when I tell you I quit my job because it was depressing the shit out of me you’ll stop rolling your eyes and just give me money to support myself. And cheese. I feel good cheese could have saved both these men.
AS THIN AS MY BANK ACCOUNT
Speaking of leaving my job, since then I’ve lost another five pounds. Add this to the five that were stressed off me making me quit and you get…hmm, I remember my feet being more attractive. Sadly, Clark Kent (as I call it) doesn’t seem bigger now that I have a little less belly. And don’t kid yourself. “Less” does not instantly equal “toned.” Funny how a little can still jiggle just like a lot. But I’ve returned to the comic book store, which is sadly probably the most enjoyable job I’ve ever had, even though I’m just working for more crap (I was back in the store 2 seconds before seeing a Superman statue I had to have). Unfortunately, the manager I always work with loves McDonalds, so when I smell his fries, I must have my own. I should be back to sloth weight in few weeks, especially if one of these freaking job interviews I’ve been on pans out (three in two weeks and two more on Tuesday) and I can go back to eating crap at my desk all day like a normal person.
03/12/07
A GAY PORN VERSION WOULD SIMPLY BE REDUNDANT
300 opens at number and if I were an angry, sexually frustrated 14-year-old boy, this would be the greatest movie ever made. Notice how in the ads where they give all their great reviews, the credits are really small. That’s because it’s not the New York Times saying it’s great, it’s Virgin Geek Magazine. But it’s not bad. For a movie aimed squarely angry, sexually frustrated males, it’s okay. This is obviously the story of the 300 Spartans who stood alone against the Persian Empire. Well, alone except for the 1,000 other Greeks who stood alongside them. Yeah, they tend to leave those guys out. Yes, they were still outnumbered 10-1, but it wasn’t just three hundred Spartans who stood there and died. And god forbid we leave out the Athenian navy who did just as much to slow the Persians down. See, the Persian goal was to burn Athens---which they did do because obviously the Spartans didn’t stop them---but the Athenian navy and the 1300 that slowed them down allowed the people to evacuate. So once the Persians were gone, they came back, rebuilt their city then went back after the Persians and in another few generations destroyed them. But you won’t see that in this movie. This is a serious fictionalization. There is no Athenian navy and Sparta stands alone against the Persians. But it looks great and that’s all that matters. One day someone will add computer enhancements to a good story, but until that day we have this. Entertaining style, but no content. And if that 14-year-old boy is confused as well as frustrated, this will help him there too, as the Spartans strangely wear no body armor. Why should they, when it would cover their six packs, whose sight alone should send the enemy scurrying away with shame? So you’ve got muscular, half-naked men with spears. Hmmm. Oh, and add to this Xerses, ruler of the Persian empire (who in real life was trained from birth to be a warrior king), is an eight-foot tall androgynous, shaven pierced creature (played by Brazilian pretty boy Rodrigo Santoro) who pretty much hits on King Leonidas when asking for his surrender. They might as well say, “Surrender is the equivalent of being fucked in the ass by another man” (actually, he wants him to kneel, so I guess it’s more dick sucking). Funnier still is the director actually meant for this homophobia to be part of the story. The homoeroticism he says he didn’t. Uh-huh. You might want to use those mirrors in your house one day.
ANGELINA AND JUDI ARE THE EXCEPTIONS TO THE RULE
Wild Hogs is down to number two and did you ever see or read “also starring Oscar Winner, Marisa Tomei” in the advertising in this? Of course not, so Jennifer Hudson, do whatever Clive Davis tells you and get that music career online, because the curse of Best Supporting Actress takes no prisoners. It’s 2007, have you seen these women onscreen lately: Dianne Wiest, Olympia Dukakis, Geena Davis, Brenda Fricker, Whoopi Goldberg, Mercedes Ruehl, Dianne Wiest, Mira Sorvino, Juliette Binoche, Kim Basinger, Marcia Gay Harden…okay, now I’m just getting depressed. And of course her love interest is William H. Macy is who is 14 years older than she is, because even with an Oscar your job is to prop up aging men. And poor Jill Hennessey is the wife of Tim Allen who is 15 years older than she is. Because god fucking forbid these tubby bastards make out with a woman their own age. Or weight in this case.
THINK OF THE CHILDREN
Bridge To Terabithia actually rises to number three which is wrong, wrong, wrong.
JINETE DEL FANTASMA
Ghost Rider is down to number four and despite ruling the top ten for two weeks, this has yet to make its $110M budget in the US, though I’m sure people overseas will sadly like a guy with a flaming head on a motorcycle even more than we apparently did. And what’s going through Jennifer Lopez’s mind when those who followed her are enjoying more success than she has in quite a while? Eva Mendes is one of the post-JLo Latinas to find a role in films and here she is in a movie that’s made more money than…pretty much every film she’s ever been in. But Eva Mendes is not the star, while JLo has been starring in her films since 1998 and Out of Sight (the movie that, ironically, in its failure confirmed George Clooney as a leading man).
YOUJUST CAN’T BADASS A SERIAL KILLER DOWN. SORRY, CLINT.
Zodiac is down to number five and one of the cops chasing Zodiac was David Toschi, who is played by Mark Ruffalo. In real life the movie based on Inspector David Toschi was none other than Bullitt. Yeah, even 40 years ago, they knew this guy was a bad ass. But he didn’t catch Zodiac. Same way Elliot Ness never caught the serial killer case he was assigned to, the Torso Murderer, who was actually America’s first known serial killer. There were undoubtedly others, but this was the first recognized. But Ness was a Treasury agent, so he was in over his head from jumpstreet. After all, even Al Capone was caught on tax evasion. Not gonna work on a serial killer.
HEY, THE 80’S WERE A LONG TIME AGO
The Number 23 is down to number six and only because Virginia Madsen didn’t win Best Supporting Actress is she allowed the play the wife of leading men “of a certain age” as she was just here a week ago as Billy Bob Thornton’s wife. Last year they were hiding Harrison Ford’s walker behind her and on TV she was Ray Liotta’s wife. Apparently she’s the new Anne Archer.
AND THEY GAVE HIM THE HOTTEST GIRL, TOO
Norbit is down to number seven the producer of this and Norbit, Brian Robbins, is talking about how he doesn’t care how much critics hate his work; they make money. See, Brian, if you didn’t care, you wouldn’t be saying how much you don’t care, so you obviously do care. And I’m sure Eddie Murphy is calling you every day to thank you for Norbit, which will go down in history as the film that cost him an Oscar. My geek connection to this is that this douchebag is also one of the producers of Smallville, so yeah, he’s utterly talent free. But you may remember him best as the supposed street kid with the weird mouth from Head of the Class with Robin Givens and Howard Hessman. Yep, that’s him. And it’s a good thing he moved behind the camera, because time has not been kind.
THE LIGHT & THE HEAT…
Music & Lyrics is down to number eight, followed by Amazing Grace, moving into the top ten at ten. Technically released during Black History Month, this is the story of the end of slavery in England by Mr. Fantastic. I mean Lancelot. I mean Ioan Gruffudd as Sir William Wilburforce. Joining him are Michael Gambon, Albert Finney, Ciaran Hinds, Rufus Sewell and…Youssou N’Dour? Yeah, the guy who sings with Peter Gabriel all the time (and did that one nice tune with Neneh Cherry, “Seven Seconds of Pleasure). If he and Gruffudd suddenly broke out into that, I’d see the movie, but since I’m not trapped in a high school history class and never will be, I’ll never see it. Why should I? I’m not descended from English slaves---well, only if you don’t count the Irish.
DONTCHA WISH YOUR GIRLFRIEND WAS HOT AND OBTUSE LIKE ME?
Because I’m sick, I watched the Pussycat Dolls Show where they are obviously preparing for the lead singer’s (Nicole Scherzinger---a reality show vet herself---who looks like Roselyn Sanchez, but without the amazing ass or nicer nose) departure. Aside from feeling like an exceptionally dirty old man (if there’s something more wonderful in this world than the natural firmness of body under the age of 25, I don’t know what it is), I was reminded why I never made it at anything. I’m fucking lazy. These girls were 18 and focused like fucking lasers on what they wanted. I’m 40 and can’t decide what cheese I want for the evening (which is why I usually have a few and why I subsequently can’t see either my feet or my penis). But what is the deal in bringing in girls who can dance but can’t sing and can sing but can’t dance? You know you’re going to cut them. And the sob stories…my god. Then again, it takes living in your car or burying every single member of your immediately family to push you like this. Everyone in my life is healthy and I am well-loved. No wonder I could never accomplish a thing. Damn love and support! Then again, what they’re driven to do is dress up like a bunch of whores (while all the time saying this is about “empowerment” showing they have no idea what that word means). This isn’t Streisand we’re talking about here. Hell, even Madonna had more class about it. The most interesting development obviously wasn’t planned but really spelled out what success is about: one girl came in with a virus that quickly spread to the others. Suddenly more than half the contestants are flat on their backs. However, they don’t cancel the performance because in the real world, you have to get your ass out there, especially when you’re nobody and this is your once chance. Though in the real world rarely are there doctors and EMT’s standing offstage giving you IV fluids. It’s usually just your girlfriend giving you a bottle of Evian and some Advil. But the funniest part had to be the creator of The Pussycat Dolls, Robin Antin. She looks like a 50-year-old man in drag. Living proof that plastic surgery isn’t for everyone (and probably shouldn’t be for anyone).
WHY I HAD TO GIVE UP PICKET FENCES
I also watched Wedding Bells because I have a weakness for Teri Polo. But if you’re looking for that body you saw in Playboy better rent some of her old movies, because that body is long gone. It’s like she documented it for posterity then let it go. But the show sucks because the worst thing you can do is give David E. Kelly---one of the worst misogynists in TV---a show about women. Especially when they are blonde, because there’s nothing he hates more than an attractive blonde (what goes on at home between him and Michelle Pfeiffer is probably a psychiatrist’s wet dream of dysfunction) and this show keeps that alive. They’re all sluts or bitches who need to learn humility (thanks to a man). And no David E. Kelly show is ever complete without some woman’s sexual humiliation and this is no exception.
AH, THE SWEET SMELL OF PAYPAL!
So I worked at L’Oreal for two days and aside from the pleasure of working around women who treated even casual dressing for the office like a fashion show (the boots! so many boots!), they also gave me free stuff. Like over $400 worth of free stuff. Paloma Picasso body lotion, Lauren body lotion, Sensi by Armani, Ralph Lauren Purple Label cologne, etc. Sadly, I gave most of it away to the women around me before I knew its worth (and my sister flat out gave me no choice), but the man stuff is going up on eBay. Daddy needs some cash.
ARE THEY GOING TO CALL IT “HOT MALE ANATOMY”?
How pretty is the Grey’s Anatomy spin-off going to be? First Taye Diggs and now Timothy Daly. The woman is now the third prettiest cast member. This is how you know a woman is running the show. And not like those sad bitches who ran Sex & The City into the ground at the end. Someone who knows women fantasize about hot doctors, not lisping, one-balled bartenders or short, ugly bald lawyers.
BECAUSE THE BUSINESS OF PRETTY IS PRETTY UGLY
I’ve sadly become addicted to the show The Agency, not because I give a shit about models, but because of that nasty little Englishwoman on it. She is rude, crude, misses a meeting because she’s not just too hungover, but still freaking drunk and given how all over a 15-year-old pretty boy she was, I’m sure she’s only here in the states because she’s ducking statutory rape charges in England. Sadly, she was fired after the show finished taping. This had to be for manners, because it’s not like she was ever wrong in her brutal, brutal judgments. But it’s good because it means if they a second season I won’t be watching it.
CORRECTION
Last week I wondered why the New York Times didn’t mention Gerry Woo while covering some tool named Harlemm Lee. Well, I was duly informed by those who know (actual Asians) that Harlemm Lee is Gerry Woo! But by changing his name he deserves his obscurity even more!
HEY SUPERMAN WAS ONLY DEAD FOR A YEAR
Yes, Captain America is dead. Thank you for all your concerned letters and calls. But have no fear, the Sentinel of Liberty will return! Of this I have no doubt. Not because of this bullshit movie they keep talking about, but because no one stays dead in comics. It’s used to be “No one stays dead but Bucky” who was Captain America’s partner that died at the end of World War II, leaving Cap with tremendous survivor’s guilt, but they brought him back last year (his body was found by a Russian general who’d been offended by Captain America and was subsequently turned into a cyborg assassin---until freed by Cap)! Hell, they even brought back the second Robin they’d killed back in the 80’s (you don’t want to know; it’s stupid even for comic books)! So if sidekicks are coming back, you know Cap is. Besides, so long as we have the dream of freedom in our hearts, Captain America will never die! Now, if you’ll excuse me, I have to go get the Captain America poster I’ve had for 20 years framed. Caaaaap! Caaaaap!
03/05/07
BECAUSE “FAT GUYS ON BIKES” DIDN’T TEST WELL
Wild Hogs opens at number one and this stinks of all those pre-fab movies Touchstone made in the 80’s using former A-list stars desperate for a return to the A-list (as their breakout hit, Down & Out In Beverly Hills demonstrated). From then it became a sad, hollow, clichéd and sadly very successful formula: broad concept, falling stars, trailers and commercials using old Motown hits. Well, there’s no old Motown hit in the commercial, but that’s about it. Both John Travolta and Tim Allen have seen better days, while William Macy was never an A-list star and pays for his solid supporting actor work with shit like this. Why Martin Lawrence is here, I have no clue. He’s too young for one. If any Black actor should be sitting next to these guys it’s someone like Mykel T Williamson, because Dennis Haysbert has a job and Eric LaSalle has vanished into a post e.r. black hole like much of that cast outside of Clooney and Juliana Margulies (and how much would you pay to see them as an onscreen couple again?). I guess he needs to kill time until Will Smith has pity on him like Tom Hanks has on his Bosom Buddies co-star, Peter Scolari. Basically, this is like taking City Slickers, putting them on bikes rather than horses, taking away even the slightest depth and not casting anyone genuinely funny. When the funniest thing in your commercial is a bald fat guy singing “Dontcha Wish Your Girlfriend Was Hot Like Me” you’re in serious trouble. And that guy is funny. I look forward to this coming out on DVD and someone just putting that segment on youtube so I can watch it. What makes it funny is that he sings it straight and with conviction.
FIRST RULE ABOUT SERIAL KILLING; DON’T TALK ABOUT SERIAL KILLING
Zodiac opens at number two and I didn’t see this, not because I think it might be scary, but because I hate David Fincher with a white hot passion. He’s always been a style over substance director and I don’t foresee a change. See, it’s the style over substance guys who need two million takes because they’re going for an aesthetic that has nothing to do with telling a story. So long as it looks good, who cares if it makes no fucking sense at all!?! Yes, Fight Club is great, but Fight Club didn’t really take place in the real world, so his flaws actually worked for the film. Also, there’s this little matter of the Zodiac never being caught that bothers me. So you’re basically watching the true story of a guy slaughtering the people of San Francisco for years and getting away with it. That bothers me. The reality of the situation is depressing enough. Why the hell would I want to see it dramatized? And I’m feeling that Mark Ruffalo, who was once an indie darling, is now showing the assholes he continually plays aren’t really acting at all, so seeing him onscreen is not high on my list of “things to do.” Funny how this happened after his brain tumor. I guess he realized life is short so why waste time pretending to be who you’re not and he’s an asshole.
“BORRRRRRNNNN TO TO LIVE IN THE SHADOW OF HIS DAD AND SISTER…”
Ghost Rider is down to number three and showing he has no shame, Peter Fonda (father of my beloved Bridget) is not only in this bike riding movie, but in Wild Hogs as well. Notice how you never see Dennis Hopper doing this shit. Then again, Dennis Hopper utilized his comeback in Blue Velvet well, while Peter Fonda didn’t do quite the same with Ulee’s Gold. The sad part is, he’s still good at what he does. He’s a good Satan here, to the point where he’s basically in a different movie than the one Nicholas Cage is in. He’s in a horror movie about claiming souls and fighting his son for control of hell, while Cage is in a bad comic book movie. Oh, and speaking of wasted careers, Wes Bentley, who had so much heat after American Beauty plays Satan’s son, Blackheart (who ironically began as a Daredevil villain, the first comic book character Mark Steven Johnson destroyed). He’s made maybe seven movies in the seven years since American Beauty and while he proves that actors do make enough that they can survive without whoring themselves out constantly (yes, Nicholas Cage, I’m talking to you), none of them have been good. This is no exception. In the meantime, a whole new generation of pretty boy has come along and he matters now about as much as his costar, Mina Suvari (who is shockingly now divorced form her fortysomething husband). And to drag this out for one more sentence, his other co-star, Thora “Butterface” Birch actually made a good comic book movie with Ghost World---which I’ve never read because there are no superheroes in it.
SPOILER WARNING! I’M PISSED OFF AGAIN WITH A KID’S MOVIE!
Bridge To Terabithia is down to number four and I’m gong to give away the ending, so skip this if you want to see it. Okay, remember how I disliked Pan’s Labyrinth, not because it wasn’t good, but because no movie about kids and magic should end with a child being shot in the chest by the bad guy? Well, in this two lonely children forge a friendship and find a way into a magical kingdom, but there ain’t no happily ever after here either. The boy has a crush on his hottie teacher so when she invites him to a museum trip he deliberately leaves his friend behind. While he’s at the museum, she tries to go to Terabithia on her own and dies in the process. Yeah, this is your family film. WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH THESE PEOPLE!?! Movies about lonely kids finding magical worlds are not supposed to end in miserable deaths! And how much therapy is this kid going to be in for the rest of his life? His friend died because of his selfishness! Not to mention it was tied to his pre-adolescent desire, which should cripple his ability to form a relationship with any woman for the rest of his life. Hell, I think just reading about it damages me. Who thinks, “You know what would be good? If the poor lonely girl is abandoned by her only friend and dies drowning. That would be great.”
“HELLO, MY LOVE, I HEARD A KISS FROM YOU…”
The Number 23 is down to number five and Jim Carrey continues his attempts to be taken seriously as an actor, never realizing that 1) comedy is harder than drama, and 2) nothing dooms him like trying to too hard. The Majestic was him trying too hard. Suddenly going all suspense thriller “Ooo, lookee, I’m dangerous” is also trying too hard. Just go make Ace Ventura 3 already. You know he secretly was happy when Eddie Murphy lost because he wanted to be the one. And I’ll be severely disappointed if the Brothers Johnson immortal song to the images you see only when severely fucked up, “Strawberry Letter 23” wasn’t used at least over the closing credits.
AND THIS IS HOW GEORGE BUSH WON BEST SUPPORTING ACTOR
Norbit is down to number six and look to Oscar season next year where everyone will be discussing “The Norbit Effect.” Much like Nader and Gore, Norbit is being blamed for Eddie Murphy not winning the Oscar and I can’t say that they’re wrong (whereas Gore was tremendous dick). He was easily the more popular choice, but when campaigning for an Oscar you’re supposed to act like you’re in it for the art and not commerce and Norbit was him saying, “I ain’t playing that game. I’m here to get paid, goddamnit!” Next year you’ll see actors going to war to keep their crappy commercial work out of theaters until the Oscars have passed. Something like Ghost Rider would have Nicholas Cage going into the Sony offices with a rifle unless they pushed it and the ad campaign back.
YES, THERE’S A NEW FOUNTAINS OF WAYNE ALBUM THIS YEAR
Music & Lyrics is down to number seven and most of the songs were written by Adam Schlesinger who is the bassist from Fountains of Wayne. In fact, it’s a very profitable side job for him, which his how he, his wife an daughter lived very comfortable in Chelsea long before “Stacey’s Mom” was a hit (he wrote “That Thing You Do”). My favorite has to be the very obvious “Careless Whisper” rip that Hugh Grant does at one point. God knows the song that’s for the Britney-type pop star is plain god-awful.
I’M A DIRTY OLD MAN, BUT I STILL HAVE STANDARDS
Black Snake Moan opens at number eight and the primary reason I didn’t see this is I simply don’t find Christina Ricci that hot. Yeah, it’s shallow, but it’s not like they’re selling her acting talent. They’re selling her in a pair of cut-offs and a cut-off t-shirt. And it just doesn’t seem as…steamy as it needs to be. This is a sordid story, period and it just doesn’t seem as dark and sweaty and southern gothic as it needs to be. Ashley Judd could have done so much with this a decade or so ago. And Samuel L. Jackson isn’t right either. He’s not southern gothic. Morgan Freeman, actually from Mississippi, should have been the one here---ten years go. Maybe I’ll go see it drunk.
SIMPLY PUT
Reno 911 Miami is down to number nine and I don’t watch the show, so I’m sure as hell not going to see the movie.
HE’S THE MAN
Breach closes out the top ten at number ten and here’s Dennis Haysbert! Now here’s a guy who knows how to use his heat. He got hot as the president on 24 and he’s got a TV show playing a soldier and appears here as CIA agent. That’s how you do it. None of this “I don’t want to be typecast” bullshit. What you want to be is working in things you aren’t utterly ashamed of.
ALL WE’RE MISSING IS AN ACCENTED PRIEST
I’ve got an odd affection for the Irish so I had to check out The Black Donnellys, the story of the Irish mob in NYC from Paul Haggis, the untalented scribe who brought you Crash. Well, this doesn’t change my opinion of him. This is a TV show based on bad movies about the Irish mob in Hell’s Kitchen. First of all, having it take place in the here and now is a joke. The biggest mob here now is gay and they dress better than this. Second, is there a cliché we can leave unturned? I think not. Van Morrison in the background in a bar? Uh-huh. Sad Irish mother? Yep. The “neighborhood” which is no neighborhood in NYC because they use so many? Check. An odd absence of the Russian and Chinese mobs because they aren’t as romantic as the Italian mob? You know it. Stock “Nu Yawk” accents from guys named Tony, Jimmy, Frankie, Tommy, Mikey and every type of Catholic saint name that can be altered to an “eee” end? Oh, yeah. Good brother trying to get away from his family’s shadiness? Check. Out of control brother who drags him back in? You got it. Good girl drawn to the good brother? Right here, my friend. Slow-motion Godfather type climax showing you “the good brother” is the last one you want to fuck with? Damn skippy. Basically this is the result of someone who saw the movie State of Grace and never got over it. At least that movie acknowledged that the Irish mob was dying off. This acts like they still have some sort of power structure going on. Maybe in The Bronx, but not in the city itself. My god. Read a fucking paper. What’s funny is that this scored even worse than the tanking 30 Rock. When are they going to realize you need a show like Heroes to follow fucking Heroes, not something diametrically opposed. Though both 30 Rock and The Black Donnelly’s are so detached from reality they could qualify as science fiction.
BEST PART: I WAS ASSIGNED PREPARING THE CHEESE FOR THE OSCAR PARTY
I was going to recap The Oscars, but I’ve pretty much forgotten about them. I remember Ellen wasn’t bad but the stupid musical and dance numbers dragged the show out needlessly; Nicole Kidman isn’t human and was wearing only a dress that Barbie would love; Eddie Murphy disappeared after losing which is hysterical because it means he’s going to be even crazier than he was before; Melissa Etheridge joining Berlin and Lionel Richie as Best Song Oscar winners, showing you how little taste is involved; Jennifer Hudson nicely remembering to thank Jennifer Holiday; Fast Times At Ridgemont High now having two Oscar winners in its cast (it should be three given the work Jennifer Jason Leigh has done and probably will be eventually); Reese Witherspoon has lost too much weight making her chin look like she’s auditioning for the Wicked Witch of the West in a Wizard of Oz remake; that thing around Meryl Streep’s neck will help you find the Well of Souls and subsequently the Lost Ark of the Covenant; Jodi Foster looked good making Ellen’s girlfriend realize how much she’d compromised; Cameron Diaz looked like crap---as usual; Eva Green looks like a goth queen no matter what so why doesn’t she just embrace it; Philip Seymour Hoffman was awakened from behind the bar two minutes before he walked out onstage; and it seems Francis Ford Coppola finally got over not being asked to be part of Star Wars, which he’s been bitching about for almost 30 years now. Just goes to show you when it comes to money vs. awards, money always wins. Why else would George Lucas ever be at the Oscars?
EVIL THOUGHTS I SHARE WITH YOU
If you need further confirmation of your own mortality, may I suggest riding the bus? You will never find greater examples of the ravages of time save a home for the elderly. And while I’m sure my advancing age feeds into my resentment (it took me two days to set up a wireless router that a 13-year-old could have set up in ten minutes), the point of public transportation in the city is to save time. Time lost, as you await the loading and unloading of various walkers, wheelchairs, riders, canes and just flat out shuffling. This isn’t a problem on the train because 1) it’s not slowing down to let anyone on and 2) these people don’t ride it because they can no longer get up and down the stairs. It makes me want to go back to yoga so I can keep my body supple enough that time won’t break me the same way. The only other way to avoid the fate is to be filthy rich so you never have to take public transportation. What’s sad and funny is how many 20-somethings are going to be like that sooner than they think because of all the extreme sports, not to mention those bastards on Jackass. Yeah, the bumps and breaks and bruises are all funny when you heal overnight, but that bill for soft tissue damage and spinal compacting will come due and it won’t be pretty. Basically, growing old sucks and Logan’s Run starts to sound more and more sensible to me. It seems cruel but is it any worse having a front row seat to your inevitable decay?
DIRTY PICTURES
That picture you see is from my first album “Geeky Fingers.” Actually, it’s The Libertine showing why she may be my best friend ever and why sake and camera phones are not a good mix. That’s actually the second one. The first one was of her Superman panties with the belt buckle, but this one is actually better, 'cause it looks like an album cover. Not in the picture is her boyfriend who was standing right next to her when I took it (yes, he was drinking too). And believe it or not, I don’t own a Superman belt buckle myself. Unlike my 20 Superman t-shirts, I feel it’s a bit too much for me.
INSERT YOUR OWN CHEAP DRAGON-THEMED JOKE HERE
There was an article in the NY Times about Asians failing as pop stars because they are Asian---and nowhere is Gerry Woo mentioned! Some dude named Harlemm Lee who won Fame 20 years ago is, but not Gerry. As far I’m concerned anybody calling himself “Harlemm” should forever toil in obscurity, but am I the only person who remembers Gerry Woo’s little dance hit “How Long?” The one with him dancing in the rain? Him on Showtime At The Apollo saying, “Let me hear you say ‘Woooooo!’” Anyone? Anyone? Bueller? The article also pointed out that being half-Black and half-Asian simply doesn’t count, like Amerie or Cassie. What’s funny about that they failed to point out that Koreans and Phillappinos aren’t exactly claiming them either (kinda like how no one Asian ever claims Tiger Woods). But it’s like this, people: little white kids buy records and the only two things they want to be are other little white kids or black. Period. They can’t be another race, obviously but there is no “cool Asian attitude” to co-opt. Also, black culture is both outside America making it “outlaw” and “cool” while still being distinctly American, which makes it accessible, but---and this is the kicker---still on a lower socio-economic scale so you can still feel superior whether you obtain that “cool” or not. That last one doesn’t really work with people who actually have their own culture and language and made it to America before Columbus.
YOUNG DOCTORS IN LUST
I’ve been a Grey’s Anatomy fan since day one (fuck you hop-on-the-bandwagoners) so I’m actually happy there’s going to be a spin-off about Addison. She’s the hottest one as far as I’m concerned. And the fact that Taye Diggs will be on it is just icing on the cake. I want them in bed in the very first episode. I really don’t care what happens after that, but if I get it, I’ll never miss an episode.