04/30/07 U-G-L-Y YOU AIN’T GOT NO ALIBI…
Disturbia holds at number one and what is this, the fucking 70’s where guys like Dustin Hoffman and Elliot Gould were leading men!?! Say what you want about the Regan era of movies, but it got rid of the ugly leading man. Yes, Nicholas Cage still found fame and fortune, but he’s the exception, not the rule. Well, apparently the new exception of this generation is Shia Lebeouf. The upside is that he’s going to be in the fourth Indiana Jones film, which should put a quick end to his career the same way it’s going to be the final nail in the coffin of Harrison Ford, before he accepts that his future is play the dad (if not granddad)to actual leading men. What’s hysterical is that Frank Darabount spent a year working on a script only to have George Lucas reject it. As if Frank Darabount can write an Indiana Jones script (remember how boring Young Indiana Jones was? That was his work) or George Lucas knows what good script is (pretty much everything Lucas has done). And Spielberg is the strike three of that little group given many of his story choices. All this comes back to the absence of Lawrence Kasdan, which none of them will ever admit.
I’M THINKING SOMETHING BY MY CHEMICAL ROMANCE
The Invisible opens at number two and teen remakes continue with this adolescent version of Ghost. Hell, at least Rear Window was a good movie to remake. Ghost sucked. But at least they made sure their leading man was attractive. This is actually Not-Quite-A-Ghost as the kid isn’t dead yet but is trying to get them to find his body before he dies---like he isn’t going to permanently disabled from being hit with a car, then beaten, then having his injured body dumped and left for days. You might want to reconsider what “life” would be like once you came back. Not to mention if you really want the sympathy of the audience, don’t show the victim as “Mr. Perfect.” I mean, who doesn’t want to kill that guy!?! I can only hope they forgo any and all use of either “ditto” or a Whoopi Goldberg character. Or Whoopi Goldberg, period. Or any use of or a song too fucking old for the characters to be listening too.
TWO MINUTE WARNING WOULD HAVE BEEN A MUCH BETTER TITLE
Next opens at number three and now that James Brown is dead, Nicholas Cage must be the hardest working man in show business. Didn’t Ghost Rider come out yesterday? Well, this is another piece of geek cred for him as this is not only a science fiction movie but one based on a Phillip K. Dick story---which means that it probably has little-to-nothing to do with the original story, like all of Phillip K. Dick adaptations (Blade Runner, Total Recall, Minority Report, A Scanner Darkly, etc.). This time Nicholas Cage is a man who can see into the future. The only catch is, he can only see two minutes into the future and only if it concerns him. The government wants him to help stop a stolen nuke on US soil, but he doesn’t see the point because of the limitations. In fact, it’s never explained why Julianne Moore (as the FBI agent) still wants him given she knows his limitations. Two minutes is not enough time to disarm a nuke even if you know where it is. Another thing never explained is why the boss of the bad guys also thinks he’s a threat or even who he is. We also don’t why they’re attacking the US. Yes, I know there’s a joke that they’re French, but is that they all look like models also part of the joke? Seriously, the French guys out to nuke LA look like they just walked off a Dolce & Gabbana ad. I half expect them to justify it by saying, “LA ees ugly and tasteless so eet must die!” And you know what? I can’t say they’d be wrong. Again, this is an Outer Limits episode stretched out to movie length, but unlike the others it’s only for another 45 minutes and moves quite well, giving you action sequences that The Outer Limits simply had no budget for. I’m sure it had to do with my expectations being super low, but I did enjoy it. For a very simple, by the numbers, low-tech science fiction movie it does its job well. They also show some wit as we watch Nicholas Cage foresee half a dozen failed pick-up attempts before settling on one that allows him to meet Jessica Biel, who is now facing a JLo type issue with her ass. It’s not that they do anything at all to draw attention to it, but when it’s that nice, you can’t help but stare. And it is that nice. It’s also fun to watch him lead an FBI team in a gunfight as he stands straight and calm pointing out where the bad guys are going to be so they can shoot them---which makes it pretty stupid when they separate from him and someone dies immediately (the Black guy, of course). There’s a twist at the end, but again, if you know your science fiction, you see it coming. And not just two minutes beforehand.
THE LITTLE CHILL
Fracture is down to number four and Ryan Gosling is another ex-Mickey Mouse Club Member made good. I can’t believe Disney of all companies doesn’t have some secret rider in their contracts allowing them to recall you if you become successful, because then they’d have Ryan Gosling, Britney Spears, Christina Aguilera, Justin Timberlake and Keri Russell who were all in the same group. But the real credit goes to whomever did the casting at that time. Wherever that person is they should walk in tomorrow and ask for their salary to be tripled and you’re fool if you don’t give it to them. But imagine how much of a fucking failure all the other members of that same group feel like. “So, Bob, what are you doing these days?” “Well, Justin, I went to Yale and now I’m in medical school at Harvard and---" “ Yo, that’s cool, man. I gotta go have sex with Scarlett Johansson at noon then Jessica Biel at 2:00 and maybe some pity sex with Britney or Cameron tonight after being on The Tonight Show. Later.”
ETC.
Blades of Glory is down to number five, followed by Meet The Robinsons at number six and Hot Fuzz at number seven.
ANOTHER LEFT BEHIND
Vacancy is down to number eight and that creepy desk clerk is an unrecognizable Frank Whaley. Way back in the previous century, he was one of those young short guys who looked like they might do well in the wake of Matthew Broderick because Broderick was more theater oriented and simply couldn’t do everything anyway. Well, so much for that. He never got his shot at the brass ring, only doing supporting parts in big movies like The Doors, JFK, Pulp Fiction and Broken Arrow, which starred the young short guy who actually did have a leading man career, Christian Slater. Whaley’s only shot was in the painfully disappointing Career Opportunities, which was written by, though not directed by, John Hughes pretty much at the end of his creative streak. His costars were Jennifer Connelly’s breasts. I say that because her in a white tank top was the ad campaign. Dermot Mulroney was in it also in it as a bumbling thief and they should have realized that a successful light comedy does not have a scene where the bumbling thief threatens to rape the leading lady. You never saw that in 16 Candles.
LET’S GET READY TO STUMBLE IN OUR MOVIE CAREERS
The Condemned opens at number nine and if you’re missing The Running Man, well, here it is. Criminals fight to death for a television audience. Only now, post-Survivor, it’s on a deserted island. It even comes complete with a meatball lead in the form of wrestler, “Stone Cold” Steve Austin. And you think there was just another formula action movie starring some big guy you never heard of, but your 16-year-old cousin knew exactly who it was, then you’re not wrong. It was The Marine. It’s no coincidence as both of these films (along with the horror film, See No Evil, starring another wrestler) come from the production company of Jim McMahon. And because The Rock signed a contract a little above slavery, The Rundown and Walking Tall were also Jim McMahon productions. This is why these men will never really follow in the footsteps of Arnold Schwarzenegger. Not being a moron, Arnold chose his own shots which is how he wound up working with directors like John McTiernan and James Cameron. These guys have to work with whomever Jim McMahon’s company chooses and you know they’re not looking at short films to discern talent. And if anybody cares, Vinnie Jones is also in this one.
THE END
Finally, Are we done yet closes out the top ten at number ten.
ANOTHER REASON TO HATE YOUR JOB, THE CALORIES
Work is making me fat. When I was at the real estate place, it was 10-5 and you had to eat lunch at your desk if you wanted it. I hated it so much I refused to eat lunch and just snacked on granola bars all day. I also didn’t eat breakfast. Now, I work in a place where the cafeteria is on my floor and they have bacon. BACON! There’s no resisting bacon. I started off eating bacon and a muffin. That may not seem bad to you, but I butter my muffin, which is pretty much like putting sugar on cake, so I had to let it go. But I still bacon it up every morning. Add to that, I get my hour lunch and whenever a meeting ends, those sons of bitches put the leftover sandwiches right behind me. Not to mention, I’m no longer stressed and depressed. If you thought I was fat before (and I was) now I’m a roly-poly son of a bitch. It’s a good thing during my month of unemployment beforehand I actually got into the habit of going to the gym three times a week. For all the good it did. Isn’t my heightened metabolism supposed to allow me to be a pig!?! I want my daily buttered muffin, goddamn it! At last week they had ham & cheese biscuits. You know how hard it was to walk away from that!?! Yeah, I’m gonna have to quit this job too. Between this and someone mentioning they had “career plans” for me, I may have to jump. Seriously, that’s like being told your parents have picked out your wife. I should go work full time in the comic book store and date a teenage clerk, because I can’t think of anything more self-destructive outside of drugs.
DEATH HAS A SLOW WEEK
Jack Valenti, the man who created the ratings system, died and while he was a dick towards the end, he did do a lot of good, because had he not created the system, it would be left up to local regulations, meaning you could kiss anything “R” rated goodbye from every red state in the Union. Seriously, one of the most creative periods in American cinema would have died because most of the movies couldn’t have played in half the country. Bobby Pickett, who created “The Monster Mash” also died and it’s not playing because, well, that damn song is overplayed.
PARENTS JUST DON’T UNDERSTAND…THAT WE WILL GET THEM!
Because it won’t go away, I will say this about Alec Baldwin: context matters. Yes, he’s crazy and has anger problems, but if you took every angry parent outburst out of context of the situation, no one would look like a fit parent. When I think back to my own teenage obnoxiousness, it’s a wonder my dad didn’t kill me, much less leave a nasty message. My favorite statement after I declined a free ride at Auburn University, but instead decided to go into debt by attending the painfully expensive NYU was, “You’ll probably like it up there; they’re all pricks like you.” Now imagine that being leaked. And then there’s the fact he wasn’t exactly wrong… Now, I know Alec Baldwin wants to think Kim Basinger did it, but he’s forgetting his daughter is 12, not 2 and undoubtedly computer and media savvy like any 12-year-old today and has good reason to be super-pissed at both parents. Then there’s the irony she may have gotten her father’s temper. It’s the old parent’s curse, “I hope you have a child just like you.” Now you understand why I don’t have any. I’d have to share my computer, my comic books and toys with some short, fat, smartassed geek. Not gonna happen.
TODAY’S OXYMORON: GEEK SEX SYMBOL
Speaking of Alec Baldwin. Tina Fey is a geek goddess. 30 Rock is constantly throwing in geek references, but they peaked in the season finale when she threatened to gut someone like “a tauntaun” and later compared herself to Admiral Ackbar. If you don’t know what any of that means then you probably had sex in high school. And college. Or at all.
04/23/07 BAD BOYS/BAD BOYS, WHATCHA GONNA DO/WHEN THAT PAYCHECK COMES FOR YOU
Disturbia holds at number one and David Morse is in it as the creepy neighbor and he has made a career out of playing the ruthless guy with the soft voice and the babyface. I don’t think he ever really recovered from playing the saintly doctor on St. Elsewhere (where he was punished mercilessly for being so good). He was the bad guy in Long Kiss Goodnight, The Rock, 16 Blocks and recently on House. Even when he technically played the good guy in Bait, he was a ruthless bastard. But it’s the smart move. Playing a bad guy well guarantees you a longer career than trying to be the leading man hero. Christopher Walken has never lacked for a job and Christopher Lee is still rolling into his 70’s spreading darkness over the land.
SEX SELLS AND EVERYBODY’S BUYING
Speaking of playing bad guys well, Fracture opens at number two and Anthony Hopkins obviously had his career not only saved but kicked into the stratosphere by going bad with Silence of the Lambs. Here it looks like Hannibal 2.0, but I’ll never know. My time is precious and I simply couldn’t work up the motivation to see this movie, which looks like one of those, “Hey, here’s a twist! Oh, here’s another one! Bet you thought we were done, but here’s another!”…before through some contrived reason, Ryan Gosling gets to shoot somebody in the end. Well, that and Gosling saying that they cut the sex scene he had with Rosamund Pike (best known to you as the “other” girl in the Halle Berry James Bond movie) because they felt it didn’t work. One more time people: we want sex scenes! They always work (unless it’s Joe Pesci and Sharon Stone and that we could have had left up to our imagination). This is why DVD has become the tail that wags the dog, ‘cause on DVD you’re gonna get the version you want to see. Though honestly, I wouldn’t even rent this, so I’ll just have to depend of some bozo to post it online---and they always do.
NEXT UP: AN AFFABLE SERIAL KILLER
Blades of Glory is down to number three followed by Vacancy at number four and unlike the other dirty looking horror movies of the past two years, this looks scary as well as dirty so I’m twice as inclined not to ever see it. And this also looks like some career rehab for Luke Wilson, finally not playing the affable guy at the center of comedic chaos. Now he’s the affable guy at the center of planned evil. Way to stretch, dude.
THEN THEY BEAT HIM UP AFTER WORK IN THE PARKING LOT
Meet the Robinsons is down to number five and after a month has yet to break $100M. That’s not good, people. Right, now the Pixar people are trying not to snicker as they walk past the offices of the Disney people who made this. And every time a Disney guy walks into a room of Pixar people, they suddenly stop talking and look at him until one guys offers, “Um, hi, Ted. How’s it going?” Then the others start laughing. Yes, high school never ends.
DIRTY NIGEL
Hot Fuzz opens at number six and this is a spoof of American action films by the English. The difference between this and an American spoof, like say, Scary Movie, is that they’re only spoofing one thing and they follow an actual story, where the satire is just like icing on the cake. Take away the spoof aspect and it’s still a funny movie about the top cop in London who’s sent away to a small country town because he’s embarrassing the rest of the squad. There you have your typical fish-out-of-water humor as well as him irritating the locals the same way he did the people back in London. Actually, the action spoof portion doesn’t really pop up until the last half-hour of the movie. Until that point it’s a stand-alone black comedy wherein one of the characters has a fascination with American action movies. And the comedy is black. In the first five minutes we see the protagonist stabbed through the hand by someone dressed like Santa Claus and the ensuing murders in the small down are shown in a graphic cross between Robocop and Monty Python. One of the funniest bits of satire works because it’s done as straight as what it’s sending up and that’s the homoerotic relationships that define pretty much ever action film ever made. They don’t even pretend to give either male lead a female love interest. And it’s a Who’s Who of British talent along for the ride and in on the joke, including Jim Broadbent, Edward Woodward, Timothy Dalton (very obviously enjoying his role) and Bill Nighy who as always, makes a good thing even better, though his appearance is pretty much a cameo. In uncredited cameos there’s Cate Blanchett and none other than Lord of the Rings director, Peter Jackson, as the stabbing Santa.
I WANT SETH/I WANT SETH COHEN IN CHARGE OF ME…
Are We Done Yet is down to number seven followed by In The Land of Women opening at number eight and while I’m generally a fan of the Kasdan family, this latest entry by Jon Kasdan (brother Jake and other son of Lawrence) didn’t move me because this idea of “discovering the mystery that is women” is something that should happen to either a younger or older character. Someone in his early 20’s is not going through this. It’s either someone discovering women in his teens or someone realizing he still hasn’t figured it all out as he’s pushing thirty. But at 24, you’re just boning them and you don’t care. Not to mention, being in your early 20’s and being romantically involved with some high school girl just stinks of being pathetic. I don’t care if she’s a senior; the difference between being 18 and being 24 is night and freaking day. I get that we’re supposed to be seeing the various ages of women, but they would have been better off with him in a relationship with Meg Ryan because if you have to learn about women by dating a freaking teenager, you’re beyond help, but they obvious try to mitigate it by giving him a relationship with the little sister too. And if the teenage girl looks familiar to you, that’s not Nicole Eggert from Charles in Charge. Yeah, I know you thought it was her. No, it’s the girl who perfectly played Jodi Foster’s daughter in Panic Room. That Meg Ryan is reduced to playing her mom is ironic considering the first time I ever saw Meg Ryan was as Candice Bergen’s daughter in Rich & Famous (George Cukor’s last film, also starring the ever-hot Jacqueline Bisset as an English major’s fantasy woman: hot, critically respected writer who is no stranger to casual sex). Well, obviously I wasn’t alone given how poorly it opened, but take heart, Jon. The Zero Effect didn’t make in total what this made in one weekend. Neither did TV Set, which came out last week. Both excellent, but not making a dime.
BECAUSE BALDNESS CAN ACTUALLY COME FROM EITHER PARENT
Perfect Stranger is down to number nine and while Bruce Willis has Grindhouse for street cred and Live Free or Die Hard coming up for bank, what the hell does Halle have given there are no new X-Men movies lined up? Exactly. And am I the only one to notice the disturbing similarity between Giovanni “Slug Fetus” Ribisi and Bruce Willis in the trailer for this? How long before they play father and son? Will he take over the Die Hard franchise? “Die Hard 5: This Creepy Guy Is Here To Save You.”
LET SEE YOU DIE AND THEN WE’LL DECIDE
Wild Hogs closes out the top ten at number ten and John Travolta says he’s achieved a Marilyn Monroe and Elvis type of fame. Uh, no, Barbarino. No you have not. For one, you’re still alive and their cult-like status actually only occurred in death. The only thing Travolta has in common with Elvis is middle-aged bloat and at least Elvis could blame it on a drug addiction.
I DROVE ALL NIGHT
I tried to like the show Drive, but I cannot for the same reason no one watches freaking NASCAR: races are boring. With the exception of Speed Racer they’re as dull as hell. And even Speed Racer had to up the ante with the Car Acrobatic Team, the Mammoth Car (which was made of gold) and races through the jungle. The problem with this show it’s an ensemble cast, meaning you don’t have a central character to root for, but many different characters. Some have to race, some choose to race. And if you prefer one over the others, the show is four parts boredom, one part interesting. Now, obviously the guy whose wife was kidnapped so he’s being forced to race is the most interesting, but to get to him you have to sit through a solider back from Iraq and his girlfriend; a dying father with his Lindsay Lohan look-alike daughter; an abused wife and her greedy partner whom she was supposed to kill (played by Taryn Manning who doesn’t realize that looking skinny and skanky was part of her appeal and looking well-fed and healthy diminishes that); and a criminal and his rich-kid half brother. And to top it off, the actual racing scenes are dull. They can’t do too much because it’s obviously expensive, so the big scene of one driver beating the others was like watching paint dry. I mean, he got a better car and floored it. That’s it! But the look of awe on everyone’s face is like they saw Jesus behind the wheel and Elvis riding shotgun. Finally, because the race obviously has to end, but they want the series to continue, the evil bastards behind the race can never be punished, so there’s the added aspect of watching evil win every week. The ratings haven’t been great and they won’t get better because I won’t be watching again.
I NEVER REALLY LIKED YOU ANYWAY!
Here’s what you don’t do while bored at work: track down online the former objects of your affection who have rejected you. You’ll find out one has a Master’s degree and is preserving landmark homes in Los Angeles, another is a President over at Virgin and the last has her own website designing firm. One thing they all have in common though; THEY’RE ALL WHORES! Sorry, I didn’t mean that. What I meant to say was, they’re all proof that, if nothing else, I have very good taste. No bimbos or morons…JUST HEARTLESS BITCHES WHO COULD HAVE SAVED ME FROM MYSELF! I mean, ambitious, intelligent women. Sluts.
ADIOS, SATIPO
Alfred Molina on 50th Street. I wanted to ask him to toss me the whip and I’d toss him the idol, but I did not. Andrew McCarthy doesn’t even count any more because I see him all the time.
04/09/07 “THE COLD KEEPS THE COMEDY FRESH” --- DAVID LETTERMAN
Blades of Glory holds at number one and this is a comedy-palooza. Aside from the leads, you’ve got Amy Poehler and her husband Will Arnett (best known to many of you as Gob from Arrested Development) as a rival skating team and maybe if it had been about them and Will Ferrell been the subplot, I might have seen it. Their presence only guarantees I’ll watch it on cable next year.
THE LESSON HERE, GIRLS IS, NEVER BE TOO MUCH OF AN INDIVIDUAL
Meet The Robinsons is down to number two and to show you the difference between Pixar and Disney, the future the kid goes into is his own and the boy who takes him there is his own son (this is not a big secret and pretty obvious unless you’re a total moron). Since this is a given, it’s obvious one of the girls in his science class is going to wind up as his wife. There are two girls we see: 1) a dark Goth girl who keeps fire ants and scares the adults and 2) an otherwise normal girl who has frogs. If it were Pixar it would have been the little Goth girl. Because it’s just pussy Disney, it’s the other girl with the frogs. Because frogs aren’t scary and neither is she.
BLASPHEMY!
Are We Done Yet opens at number three and this is an abomination. Why? Because it was originally intended as a remake of Mr. Blandings Builds His Dream House. THEY WERE TRYING TO REMAKE CARY GRANT! YOU DON’T REMAKE CARY GRANT! And you sure as hell don’t do it with a fucking rapper! May all associated with this be forced to do sequels to Friday for the rest of their lives.
THEY WERE ONLY $1 AND WORTH EVERY PENNY
Grindhouse opens at number four and this is an homage, not just to the B-Movies of the 70’s, but the C-Z movies as well. Most notably, the double and triple features that used to populate the low-end theaters and drive-in movies. Sadly, I’m old enough to remember them. For me, the theater of choice was Westgate, which was a triplex. There I saw such movies as Food of the Gods, The Giant Spider Invasion, Laserblast, The Incredible Melting Man or whatever other movie I read about in Starlog or Fangoria. Across the street (or more accurately, across the highway) was Greenbriar Mall (recently in the news thanks to a shooting), whose theater was a bit more upscale, but they too had the occasional Bruce Lee double feature. This means I was more than familiar with all the details that Tarantino and Rodriguez threw into the their film. The dated titles, coming attractions for even cheesier movies, the scratches on the film…all a part of my youth, but unlike them I don’t miss it at all. I don’t like noisy audiences and scratched prints. And the charm of low-budget movies only goes so far. The ones you remember you remember because they were actually exceptions to the genre rule. They usually had more imagination and skill going on than the others around them. I never want to see Giant Spider Invasion, Laserblast or Incredible Melting Man again. And I’m sure my fond memories of Food of the Gods (with B-movie god, Marjoe Gortner who strangely isn’t here in the way B-movie tribute should have him) wouldn’t stand up to an adult viewing. And the ultimate irony here is, these movies are better made as satirical homages. Rodriguez’s Planet Terror is fun only because it’s an over-the-top joke. And the joke here of “missing reels” would actually work to the benefit of those movies as less would be more. Sadly, less would be more here as well, as this type of joke gets old quickly and I could have spared a few devout nods to the conventions of the genre for the sake of expediency. Both these movies could have and should have been done in 45-minutes. That said…they are a lot of fun. Planet Terror is a very familiar science-fiction horror story with everything you expect from that: secret military project gone wrong, evil scientists, retired-super soldiers, ex-lovers reunited to face the horror, small town sheriffs and, of course, flesh-eating zombies. On top of all this is only the blackest of humor (they kill the two most sacred of characters in all cinema for a joke). Though it’s because the bulk of the humor of doing it straight works so well, that over-the-top misfires like putting Freddy Rodriquez on a miniature bike fall so flat. Tarantino’s Death Proof is the better film with not only some of the same elements, but same characters (not to mention two characters from Kill Bill, which is only one of a dozen references to earlier Rodriguez and Tarantino films). It succeeds, because it’s not so much an homage, but an actual film---though it takes a while to get there. The first 20 minutes are nothing but Tarantino’s patented dialogue and well-known foot fetish. I’m serious. It’s 20 minutes of talking, talking, talking and…feet (the missing reel joke is used here again just as one of the girls is about to do a lap dance---but considering you see part of it in the trailer, it’ll probably be on the DVD). You want to scream “Get on with it and kill them!” Eventually, he does and in a seriously graphic manner. When psychotic Kurt Russell kills four girls in a car with his car, you get a slow-motion replay showing each death individually. I could have lived without it, but it does serve a purpose. When he goes after the next four girls, my palms were literally sweating, the suspense is so great, because I was dreading seeing them meet a similarly grisly fate. But my concern for the second quartet is proof of how flawed the first 20 minutes is. We get to know them, like them---and actually get some nice foreshadowing in what seems to be meaningless dialogue---and all in less than 10 minutes. But even after 20 minutes you still don’t know or like the first group that much, so their deaths are only affecting due to its graphic nature, not as a result of any real connection that’s developed with the audience. Supposedly, Tarantino is working on a full-length version, but it’s already too long and I foresee more useless talking and feet shots. And I really don’t need to see additional women die. Hell, I never want to see that scene again.
DOES A SERIES OF BAD CHOICES COUNT AS A PLAGUE?
The Reapening opens at number five and this is the latest stop on Hilary Swank’s “Waste My Oscar Heat” tour. It’s pretty much an X-Files episode dragged out to ninety minutes when Mulder and Scully could have done it in 45. It was just too stupid for me to see, though I do appreciate the pictures Hilary Swank did for Esquire in order to promote it. She ain’t the prettiest creature on god’s earth, but her body is as serious as a heart attack. Someone should tell her Bette Davis wasn’t pretty either, but was a queen. This modesty has got to go. Part of being a superstar is flat out believing you’re one. She’s got the best/worst agent in the world. He steers her to Oscars, but not either money or steady quality or interesting work.
PARDON ME WHILST I GET MY ANGRYGEEK ON…
300 is down to number six and as a geek, I’m thrilled for its success, because the more Frank Miller succeeds in Hollywood, hopefully, the less he will have to do with comics. Yeah, he did something great with Batman, but so had others and they managed to do so without utterly fucking the character in the long run. The only thing he did for sure was make Daredevil into an A-list comic book character. After Frank Miller, every writer felt compelled to make Batman equally crazy until recently they had him take a year off and undergo a spiritual quest to undo his insanity. One of the writers fully acknowledged that “somewhere down the line Batman became an asshole.” Yeah, and that line was 1986 when The Dark Knight Returns came out.
BECAUSE EVERYONE IN HOLLYWOOD HAS SLEPT WITH EVERYONE
Wild Hogs is down to number seven followed by Shooter at number eight and TNMT at nine, though TNMT cost less and has made more and will undoubted make more on DVD, which means Corey Feldman may not be the original person annoyed not to be called back. Also in Shooter is Elias Koteas, who was in the original Teenage Ninja Mutant Turtles as Casey Jones. Trivia: He was also one of the first stops on the Heather Graham dysfunctional express, after Adam Ant but before James Woods. So yes, Ed Burns was actually a tremendous step up (though if she dated Jon Favereau and didn’t just meet him swing dancing, it was as step down).
SHE WAS THE GIRL DANCING IN THE “7” VIDEO. YEAH, HER.
Firehouse Dog opens at number ten and this was the obvious destination for parents who needed someplace to dump their kids whom had already seen Meet The Robinsons and TMNT. If you’ve seen the trailers, you now this is the type of kid’s film that gives other kid movies a bad name. And it breaks my heart to see someone as talented as Bruce Greenwood in something like this. Let’s face it: we’re all whores when it comes time to paying the cable bill. But the most surprising name in this? Mayte Garcia, aka the former Mrs. Prince Rogers Nelson. Sadly, their son died soon after childbirth and then Prince went crazy for God. Given that she’s trying to make it in Hollywood (she briefly taught Britney Spears to belly dance), how long before she bumps into Carmen Electra as they both go up for the “very short, very pretty” girl role? They can talk about what it’s like to be with Prince’s crazy ass and then go on to bone some Hollywood rock star (Mayte was later engaged Tommy Lee while Carmen was dumb enough to marry Dave Navarro).
IN CASE YOU WERE WONDERING WHY SO MUCH TV SUCKS
Not breaking the top ten was The TV Set which I saw at last year’s Tribeca Film Festival and how sad is it that such a good movie is only now seeing release? It was written and directed by Jake Kasdan. Yes, son of Lawrence, the person who cleaned up the messes of George Lucas for both Raiders of the Lost Ark and The Empire Strikes Back and apparently gave all his talent to his son, who wrote and directed the very underrated, Zero Effect. I thought it was very good and I told him so at the Q&A afterwards to which he replied “Oh, you’re the guy.” In any case, The TV Set is about the insanity of getting a pilot on network TV and the enormous compromises made. David Duchovny is the writer producer of the show, while Sigourney Weaver is the network boss making his life miserable. One of her worst decisions is the choice of a lead actor who is, quite frankly, insane, but WASPy and initially more appealing than the moody ethnic David Duchovny chooses. Duchovny was there at the screening as well and was smart and funny the way actors rarely are in real life. But Jake Kasdan is one of dweebiest looking guy in the world. I mean, even in a comic book store (and I know this), he’d look still look dweeby, but he’s obviously talented. When I asked my question about his history in television, I was surprised to learn he directed episodes of both Freaks & Geeks and Undeclared (which explains why Judd Aptow was one of the producers of this movie). Irony was in full effect when Judy Greer who works with Duchovny in the movie said she initially auditioned for the actress who plays on the show Duchovny creates----an actress who is tired of playing best friend roles, the kind in which you can always find Judy Greer. She was the best friend on love monkey, she was the best friend to Jennifer Lopez in The Wedding Planner, the shallow best friend to Jennifer Garner in 13 Going On 30 and she’s Duchovny’s gal pal here.
EVERYTHING BUT THE ARTISTRY
Tracy Thorn of everything but the girl released her first solo album in 25 years and while it’s nowhere near the level of the work she does with her husband, Ben Watt or even what she did with Massive Attack, I love her voice so much I don’t care. But “Near Piccadilly Station I Sat Down And Wept” could easily be an everything but the girl tune in both sound and theme, as they are big on the melancholy.
THE LIFE OF LEISURE HAS COME TO AN END…FOR NOW
So by the time you read this, I’ll be in orientation for my new job, which is two blocks away from my home. And it’s a real job this time, not a temp position. It’s 9-5 and Monday through Friday (none of this weekend bullshit) so our long national nightmare is finally over! Well, mine anyway, as it’s obvious you fuckers could give a shit about me given what little you did to help me. And unless it becomes a problem, I’m going to keep the comic book store job because I need to keep my discount. Geek shit is expensive. I got the job through one of my former bosses with whom I share a birthday and a similar temperament and view of humanity, so if she’s okay there, I’ll be okay there. It’s just an admin position but I don’t care. I’m old enough not to look for total personal fulfillment at work. Just pay me and don’t kill my soul the way that real estate place was doing. The fact that I’m actually getting a breakfast at orientation suggests this won’t be a problem. Oh, and everyone there wears jeans. And did I mention it was two blocks from my house? I’ll be out of work at 5:00 and napping in my bed by 5:15. And I believe there are also summer Fridays. Did I mention it was two blocks from my house?
BACK WHEN I WAS A BOY…
I spent my last day of unemployment hanging out with The Libertine who’d taken a day off for mental health. First we had lunch at The NoHo Star where I got to stare at Iman throughout my entire meal. Yes, she’s as beautiful in person as she is in any magazine, but I was actually distracted from her by a group of attractive young women who came in for lunch, so it was seriously rich with eye-candy. After that we did some window-shopping in SoHo, since that’s all I can afford at this juncture. There are two places we almost always wind up visiting and the first was Kenneth Coles where we both found shoes that we vowed to buy on a better sale day (yes, I know this confirms my status as the Non-Gay-Gay-Friend). The second was the former Toys in Babeland, now just called Babeland (which seriously cements that Non-Gay-Gay Friend status). They have a store in SoHo now and I’ve got to stop going vibrator shopping with my female friends. I can’t help but feel the other women there are judging me. “At least he knows he can’t satisfy her and is getting a little help.” I know I’m being paranoid, but when those two nuns in the strap-on department pointed at me and giggled… After our window-shopping we went to a café in the West Village. Let me rephrase that, we tried to find a café in the west village but all the ones I frequented back in the 20th Century were all gone. Café Rafella on 7th Avenue is no more. It’s gone and taken its big comfy chairs with it. When Young Married Couple and Nice Jewish Doctor lived down there, I knew the neighborhood well, but on Friday I felt like some old guy who’d just gotten out of prison. After wandering around for a while, we just got so far west, we ended up at The Little Pie Company on 14th Street, which isn’t bad as far as last resorts go. She was supposed to have dinner with her rude gay friends, but they were rude and neglected to tell her it was canceled, so we continued to hang out, ate cheese, ordered pizza and drank two bottles of wine, so the end of my employment was on a high note. Yeah, it would have been nicer had it been warmer (in fucking April) and if all of grandpa’s old haunts were still around, but I slept late, saw a supermodel and had booze dessert and cheese with a 24-year old and that’s never a bad thing.
04/02/07 TOE PICK!
Blades of Glory opens at number one and I was mildly tempted to see this because the Will Ferrell bits are just that funny and as you know I’m no Will Ferrell fan (though he does play that idiot manchild a thousand times better than Adam Sandler). The problem this time is, I simply don’t like Jon Heder. Notice how he’s not featured too much in the ads, so I don’t think I’m alone. The kids may love Napoleon Dynamite, but that’s not who he is. And honestly, why it’s not Owen Wilson is a mystery to me and probably would have gotten them another $10-15M. But…I don’t really like Owen Wilson either, so nothing really would change for me. And honestly, even as a joke, I could give a shit about skating. I care about it so little, even making fun of it doesn’t interest me. Not to mention, what could be funnier than the painfully contrived, yet hideously successful (thanks to a generation of girls and gay men) movie The Cutting Edge!?!
DANGER WILL ROBINSON! DANGER!
Meet The Robinsons opens at number two and Disney had better be damn glad to have Pixar back, because this is what the make without them (even though Pixar was back in time to make some last minutes changes to try and save it). I’m not saying it’s horrible, just purposeless and empty. When your best joke in what is essentially a children’s film is about Tom Selleck, you’ve got serious problems (the second best joke it the one with the dinosaur that’s in all the commercials and the third is a mafia joke with the frogs). That said, it’s very nice to look at. The story of a brilliant orphan who is taken away to the future, it’s got a nice art-deco vision of tomorrow. The type of future people foresaw in the 40’s and 50’s. This is facilitated by a very effective 3D method (which actually fit over my glasses with no problem), but it’s ironic that these characters remain totally two-dimensional. A perfect example of what’s wrong with this film is when we finally meet the Robinson family. They’re all strange and each has a particular eccentricy. But that’s about it. They aren’t given even the slightest bit of character shading. Oh, we’ve got time for a montage set to a lame-ass Rob Thomas song, but we doesn’t have time to examine the freaking title characters!?! And while the idea of the bad guy as a moron is fairly original, it doesn’t make for a very compelling bad guy (and if you can’t see the twist coming with both him and The Robinsons then you’re just not paying attention). Also, the film takes a brief dark turn into The Matrix for a moment, showing a future filled with insect like machines all chasing after our hero. There’s nothing wrong with it, only that it makes you think of a better film you’d rather be watching. Like most Disney and Pixar films, there’s a message in here, only this time it’s a fairly watered down version of the one from The Incredibles: it’s good to be different. Only there’s no substance or even pathos behind it here, which is a pretty impressive failure given our hero is an orphan (the old Disney standby).
AND SOMEWHERE THE ITALIANS ARE THINKING, “WELL, WE CONQUERED THE WHOLE DAMN CULTURE.”
300 is down to three and while the Iranian government may hate it, Greece freaking loves this movie and it’s not hard to see why. It’s breaking every record there. But you’d love a movie too if said you created one of the greatest armies ever to walk the earth and they are the reason democracy exists in the modern world. But it’s only half-true. Remember: without the Athenian navy, the 300 Spartans (and the 1000 OTHER GUYS WITH THEM) would have died for nothing. Wonder if they’re ever gonna get a heavily macho, homoerotic movie? It would be more befitting. You know, given it’s about seamen. Yeah, I went there. Cue the Village People’s “In The Navy.”
IN THE NAME OF EQUAL TIME: COREY HAIM
TNMT is down to number four and somewhere Corey Feldman is upset because he didn’t get a call because he was the voice of Donatello in the 80’s. Now it’s some no name guy, who’s probably an actual actor who earned the role. Not that there aren’t people here just paying the bills and trying to stay in the game. Sarah Michelle Gellar just reached more people in a weekend than she did in seven years of Buffy (oh shut up; you know it’s true). Patrick Stewart keeps stranglehold on his geek cred, adding this to Star Trek TNG, The X-Men and some supposedly excellent British science fiction show whose name I’ve forgotten, but should be on the SciFi channel any second now. Surprisingly here is Zhang Ziyi, using her phonetic English and stealing a job from Ming-Na who usually does the Asian girl voice (she was Mulan) and at least a half dozen other women with a better command of the English language whom people might know (Bai Ling, Michelle Yeoh, hell, even Sandra Oh). But I’m sure when they planned this Memoirs of A Geisha was expected to be huge. Whoops.
GUESS HE WAS JUST TOO OLD FOR GOOD GUY SHIT
Wild Hogs is still hanging around at number five, unfortunately giving Tim Allen and Martin Lawrence new leases on life, while Shooter is down to number and the bad guy in this is Danny Glover and given he’s ex-military in this like he was in Lethal Weapon, maybe this is actually Murtaugh and he finally noticed that all the bad guys he fought were all millionaires so he finally decided to hell with all that good guy crap and switched sides. He took Riggs with him too, but he’s not in the movie because there were no Jews to be killed. Yeah, I went there again. It’s that kinda week. Cue the Village People’s “It’s That Kinda Week.”
SOME PEOPLE SINK TO THE BOTTOM, OTHERS DIVE
Premonition is down to number seven and also in this is Nia Long, who said she tired of playing the “Pretty Girlfriend” role to all the Black leading men (And what you’re playing opposite Ice Cube is different how?). Well, I’m sure Thandie Newton and Kerry Washington appreciate your deliberate step into obscurity and giving them work that might have otherwise gone to you. Seriously, switch out Nia Long for anything the other two have played recently and it changes how? And she was actually more age appropriate for I Think I Love My Wife.
ANGELINA JOLIE AS THE EXCEPTION THAT PROVES THE RULE
The Last Mimzy is down to number eight and also in this is Timothy Hutton, who was in Beautiful Girls, currently all-but remade on TV as the incredibly lame October Road (and it wasn’t that great to begin with, nice soundtrack though). At the time Hutton was the star of Beautiful Girls. Now, he’d be lucky to have Rosie O’Donnell, Natalie Portman or ex-girlfriend Uma Thurman return his phone calls. Of course not everyone escaped unscathed. Lauren Holly never recovered from marrying Jim Carrey and is now on NCIS and Martha Plimpton was pretty much replaced in the indie world by Chloe Sevigny (probably because she drew the line at sucking some fugly guy’s dick for art). Though I’m sure Mira Sorvino would be open to commiserating about the curse of winning Best Supporting Actor and being a child of Hollywood (Timothy Hutton is the son of actor Jim Hutton who worked with both John Wayne and Cary Grant, though I remember him best as Ellery Queen from the 70’s TV show).
AND THIS FOR GETTING ME SOCKS AT CHRISTMAS, NANA!
The Hills Have Eyes 2 drops to number eight and hopefully there won’t be a three so Craven’s daughter won’t find out the horrifying feelings he and her son have about her. Wait. What am I saying? One daughter/sister character was mutant raped in the first and the other was murdered. So, I guess it would be grandma getting violated in the third “The Hills Have Eyes…In Boca Raton.”
THE END
Finally, Reign Over Me closes out the top ten at number ten.
GODZILLA VS…WELL, NOBODY
The Host isn’t in the top ten because even though it’s a movie about a giant monster it’s not in English. It’s a Korean film and not only is it a giant hit there but it’s very well reviewed here. And with good reason. If you’ve ever seen Godzilla Vs. The Smog Monster, this will seem very familiar to you. When the America military violates protocol and just dumps chemicals into a Korean river (based on an actual event) it creates a monster to terrorize the people---only there’s no Godzilla to fight it (he doesn’t do house calls). Just as well, because it’s not that big, just about the size of an SUV, but how many people can you fit into an SUV? Well, that’s how many people the monster engulfs before regurgitating them for food later in its sewer lair. One of these happens to be the daughter of a slacker food vendor by the river and when she calls from her cell phone, he and his brother (an unemployed drunk), his sister (an Olympic medalist in archery and you know that’s going to matter later on) and their father set out to find her. Unfortunately, the monster isn’t the only problem. First of all the American military and Korean government insist that a virus is coming from the monster and anyone who came in contact with it has to be quarantined. They also refuse to believe the girl is alive. The family engineers an escape and equipment and sets off to find the monster in the sewers. After their first encounter, one is dead and the three remaining are separated and the story switches from one to the other as they continue their individual searches for the girl, who refuses to be a helpless prisoner and is working on not just her own escape, but that of a little who also survived being swallowed (when his older brother did not). In addition, the movie is…damn funny. Aside from being an obvious satire on the US Military and Korean government (the dim-witted dad is forced to undergo an lobotomy because he insists his daughter is alive because they can’t admit being wrong), the family remains a dysfunctional mess even while banding together to fight a monster (the first death is actually caused by the dim-witted dad). Because this remains a foreign film despite being a genre flick, the ending is hardcore in its bittersweet nature, going where American films fear to tread. And with good goddamn reason! Sorry, despite the wit and intelligence present, it’s still a movie about a giant monster so a completely happy ending doesn’t exactly violate my suspension of disbelief. This is why we run the world, people. Eat me, Pan’s Labyrinth! Yes, I’m still pissed about that ending.
REASON #6859 WHY TEXAS IS ANOTHER WORLD
Texas is a scary place. This you already know. But just when you think it can’t get any stranger, you hear something new. In this case it’s the story of a man who caught his wife with her lover. In her panic, she said the man in question was raping her, so the husband did what any good Texan would do: he shot the guy. Notice he didn’t have to go get his gun. No, he already had the damn thing on him. Now, obviously he’s going to be charged with manslaughter at the very least, right? Probably get a suspended sentence because of the circumstances? Nope. This is Texas. She was charged with manslaughter. He faces no charges whatsoever. The scary part is, I almost agree with that (in case you forgot, I am from the south). The problem is, if she hadn’t said that, he probably would have shot them both! So, while you shouldn’t be fucking someone else’s wife, and probably deserve at least a round or two in the ass, you don’t deserve to die for it. So not only did the dead guy make a lousy choice in actions, but an even worse choice in partners. He picked someone who’d have him be a rapist than admit fault herself. This is going to be on Law & Order in three…two…one…
IT’S NOT THE LOVING YOU THAT’S WRONG; IT’S THE BONING YOU
Death took another in the form of Luther Ingram, who sang “If Loving You Is Wrong (I Don’t Wanna Be Right)” which I would tend to confuse with “Me & Mrs. Jones” when I was kid, but they are variations on a similar theme. The kinda thing you don’t wanna do in Texas.
IT’S GOOD TO BE THE KING
My beloved Rome has come to a final end and Battlestar Galactica’s season has ended, leaving me with a tremendous Sunday night void. But, making it a little less lonely is yet another historically based series filled with Brits acting wonderfully and behaving badly. The Tudors begins the story of Henry VIII as a young dashing king, humping everything in sight, much like Mel Brooks in History of the World Part I. Jonathan Rhys-Davies shows you what Joaquin Phoenix would have been like in Gladiator had he been attractive (he’s fugly and you know it) and had a real British accent. And while the lack of historical knowledge by the average American is disgraceful, it’s sometimes better that way because you get to enjoy the suspense of a story developing. I knew how Cleopatra and Anthony met their ends, but I didn’t know about Octavian’s sister or mother so when Cleopatra wanted them dead it was genuinely tense moment on Rome. Similar situations are possible with Henry VIII. Unfortunately, we know what happens to his wives (not to mention Sir Thomas More, played here by Jeremy Northam), but quite a few of the supporting characters are unknown, so it’s going to be fun watching them knowing they may not see the next episode, much less another season. But there’s also fun in seeing what you know unraveling in front of you. Lady Blount is already pregnant with the king’s child and we know what happens to her (she grows up to become Cate Blanchett) and Anne Boleyn is about to meet the king. Yeah, this is gonna be fun. My Sunday nights have been saved. And here I was on the verge of reading books.