JUNE 25, 2007 THINK THEY’LL DO ONE ABOUT ONAN?
Evan Almighty opens at number one and I didn’t see the first one so I wasn’t about to see this one, not even when Steve Carell is the star and unlike Jim Carrey I find him funny without the trying-too-hard annoyance that Carrey tends to bring to the table. This will probably go down as the Oh God II to Bruce Almighty’s Oh God. Which means there will be a sequel that finally introduces Satan and maybe, just maybe, because this one won’t do as well they’ll get a smarter team than Tom Shadyac and Steve Odekirk. And no, it won’t do as well, because the very premise is flawed. Being God is everyone’s wish fulfillment, but who the fuck wants to Noah? What next? Some poor bastard has to be Job for laughs? Also, it cost a rumored $250M, meaning a required take of $700M. The original only made $484 and this is no Pirates of the Caribbean.
ROOM WITH A BOO!
1408 open at number two and no, this is not the prequel to 1492, the Columbus movie Ridley Scott made a few years ago that everyone has utterly forgotten about. It’s based on a Stephen King short story and I’m actually more inclined not to see it for that reason than I am because it’s scary. We don’t do the scary because we don’t like it. We don’t do the Stephen King because he sucks. John Cusack is in this and believe it or not, the horror audience is actually about half-female. Couple that with those women who haven’t quite switched over to Rudd-ism and its number two opening is no mystery. I’m always surprised to see Cusack pop up in anything that he hasn’t had a hand in that’s totally mainstream. I guess I got used to the days when he bad-mouthed mainstream Hollywood fare (like Indecent Proposal, which he turned down). Artistic integrity is nice---if you’ve got the balls for it and Cusack could obviously talk the talk, but couldn’t walk the walk. Seriously, you can count his indie projects on one hand (as opposed to say, Paul Rudd). And no one who’s ever worked with Jerry Bruckheimer can ever seize the high ground. Besides, I’m waiting for his Gross Point Blank sequel. It’s not a real sequel because Disney owns it, but he’s still going to play an assassin in black with his sister as his assistant. But it’s not a sequel.
CERTAINLY NOT GOING TO BE COUNTING ON MISSION IMPOSSIBLE FANS
Fantastic Four: Rise of the Silver Surfer is down to number three and Lawrence Fishburne is the voice of The Silver Surfer which puts him up there with Patrick Stewart in their secure geek cred, as between this and The Matrix, he will always be able to turn a buck anytime he has a free weekend by going to comic book conventions. Also, they plan on making direct-to-video Silver Surfer movies, so the checks will be coming. And he’s got it cushy. I mean, like James Earl Jones cushy. He comes in and does the dialogue while the other poor bastard has to eat fish and rice for six months to get that Silver Surfer body and no one even knows his name. Ironically, the guy who does play the Silver Surfer (Doug Jones, if you care) is himself earning geek icon points by being the voice of Abe Sapien from Hellboy while some other poor bastard has to wear that suit. This is why he was so understanding when he learned Morpheus would be doing his voice. Whatever goes around comes around. And he’s also collecting easy checks by direct-to-video Hellboy animated movies.
NO, HE’S NOT WEARING A DRESS---BUT THAT WOULD HAVE MADE THIS MOVIE MORE INTERESTING
Ocean’s 13 is down to number four and actually there are 14 of them because none other than Eddie Izzard comes in for a little freelance work for the team. I guess for the fourth one he’ll be come a fulltime member and one thing that I do like about his is that the antagonism between Andy Garcia and George Clooney is actually upped by the end of the movie and if you’re bored by the froth (and I was) then you’re kinda hoping this’ll get a little grittier and they’ll start trying to kill one another.
AND THAT’S ONE TO GROW ON
Knocked Up is down to number five and as many have noticed, at the heart of Judd Apataow’s work, no matter how vulgar or profane, is a gooey center of morality. After all Steve Carell did save himself for marriage and here, they stay together for the sake of the baby. There’s even an incredibly lame “he gets it together” montage when Seth Rogen moves out of the place he shares with his buddies, gets a job working at internet company and becomes a responsible adult. How does he do this? We have no idea because right before this happens he’s got no job, has apparently never had one and only has about $50 in the bank. It happens purely because the script needs it to happen. What’s ignored because, well, because Apatow isn’t really interested in Katherine Heigel’s character, is that Katherine Heigel has her own arrested development issue. She’s living in her sister’s guesthouse and never once hints, discusses or plans to move out. Why the tool discovers adulthood faster than the person who was more mature from the beginning is just another phallo-centric flaw of this movie. And I’m really sick of this “get it together” montage because no one ever does anything new with it. And in this case, it’s just so unbelievable it would have actually worked better and fit his character more if he’d just won a lottery.
SKIP THIS PART, ‘CAUSE I’M GOING TO SPOIL SOMETHING ABOUT PIRATES
Pirates of the Caribbean: At World’s End is down to number six and you have to stay beyond the credits because they do throw an extra in there. If you didn’t and hey, fuck it, the movie has been out for forever and you were warned, I’m gonna tell you. SPOILER: Orlando Bloom returns to the island after ten years and Keira Knightly is waiting there---with their 10-year-old son. The problem with this is it accepts that Orlando has been running the Flying Dutchman for a decade (that’s the bittersweet romantic ending I mentioned; he dies, but becomes immortal as the new captain of The Flying Dutchman), meaning Keira Knightly is now in her 30’s, when the sequel is obviously going to be about The Fountain of Youth which should allow her to also live forever so she and Orlando will be the same age. We know how Hollywood feels about women being older, so this sweet little caveat will most likely be forgotten.
THIS IS YOUR CAREER; THIS IS YOUR CAREER AFTER 15 MINUTES. ANY QUESTIONS?
Surf’s Up is down to number seven, followed by Shrek The Third at number eight and Nancy Drew at number nine, and also in this are Rachel Leigh Cook and Tate Donavan, the man who broke the hearts of both Jennifer Anniston and Sandra Bullock. Man, he must have one big willy, ‘cause he is nothing special to look at. And remember when Rachel Leigh Cook was the latest inheritor of Winona Ryder’s child-woman throne before real child women like Britney and Lindsay showed up? Well, neither does anyone else. She was actually the star of Josie & The Pussycats and pretty much everyone in the movie but her is doing better or more well known.
OR IF SHE’LL DO NUDITY AGAIN NOW THAT SHE’S A MOM?
Finally, A Mighty Heart opens at number ten proving that like myself most people aren’t as interested in the movies Angelina Jolie makes as her onw life. Granted, it’s only in about 1,300 theaters, but we all know what happened in the Daniel Pearl story. What we don’t know is the ethnic background of her next child (Black, Asian, White…I smell a Maria or Juan coming)? Or how Jennifer Anniston deals with pretty much being shown every day of every week that Brad Pitt traded up (something that’s slowly dawning on Cameron Diaz right about now)? This movie is such obvious Oscar bait for Angelina Jolie, I can’t understand why anyone would release it in the summer. Look for a Fall re-release to garner some nominations.
THERE’S A REASON THERE’S NO FAT GAY PORN
So, if you need more proof that I’m a fat bastard I got groped by some fat guy in my gym last week. Okay, so, given I can’t resist my appetites (hey, Frosted Flakes were 2 for $5 at Food Emporium; what was I supposed to do?), I’ve decided to up my workout a bit. Longer time on the bike, another ab workout, more laps in the pool. It has yet to work, but at least I know I’m trying. In any case, after another frustrating trip to the scale, I have this conversation with some guy sitting in the locker room:
Him: You look good (I’m hitting on you you).
Me: Thanks, but I’m not feeling it (I know, but I’m not accepting).
Him: No, really, you look good (I’m still hitting you).
Me: Thanks (Still turning you down, avoiding eye contact and dressing so fast my underwear is on the outside).
Him: Your ass looks great (Not giving up and I dig that underwear thing).
Me: Um, thanks. Got it from my parents (I’m sooo regretting being naked five seconds ago).
Him: And your chest looks good too (I’m gonna go for broke here).
Me: These man boobs? I don’t think—(Dude are you fucking touching my man boobs!?!)
Yes, he went to second base on me before I could stop him. He realized then that he’d crossed a line because he immediately walked away struck up a conversation with someone else he knew and didn’t look at me again as I left. And the worst part about it? He wasn’t even good looking. Just some tubby bastard. So basically, it was like the opening scene to some really, really bad gay porn. “Hot Chunky Buddies Pt. 3”
IT’S NOT ALCOHOLISM IF YOU DO IT WITH FRIENDS
I rarely drink in my neighborhood. The main reason is that I choose to drink at home. Alone. In the dark. The other reason is that when I do go out it’s at someone else’s request and they tend to take me to the lame ass bars on 9th Avenue. It’s become fucking frat heaven over the last few years to the point where the longtime real residents were planning to take action to prevent it from becoming “another Columbus Avenue.” Hell, the only thing that slowed those fuckers down was the growing number of gay bars. One that particularly annoys me is The GAF, which is on 48th near 9th. It used to be another bar whose name I can’t remember then it became Angels, but either way it was a serious dive with a more ethnically diverse clientele. Well, one day I walked by and it was closed due to a murder. No, I’m not kidding. Now that’s a real fucking bar! Next thing I know it’s this fucking place and I’m sure it’s no surprise it’s got a sister location on the Upper East Side. I never would have gone into such a place on my own, but after drinking from 6:00 to 11:00 with Star Sister, I get a text from Chasing Amy to join her and her friends there and against my better judgment (i.e., I was already buzzed) I did. And it was just as annoying on the inside as it looked on the outside, filled with the type of annoying 20-somethings I hated in my 20’s and hate twice as much now (as I’m twice their age). And is there anything more pathetic to see than the socially inept male? I think not. At one point a group entered and at its center was a short girl who might as well have had “Born To Party” on her forehead. She’s the kind of girl who not only willingly appears in Girls Gone Wild, but also likes to show her friends the footage. Of course with the group with were three guys who were sadly dressed nearly exactly alike (there’s a reason women talk to each other about this sort of thing and it’s to avoid situations just like this) and who were watching the fucking baseball game on the TV. Needless to say, she and her similarly minded girl friend gravitated to someone who wasn’t in their group because he knew this was pretty much a sure thing so long as he did something crazy like actually pay attention to them. Normally this is the kind of shit Chasing Amy and I love to watch when we’re out drinking, but this was just sad and annoying. By the time we left, both Chasing Amy and her friends swore they’d never go back there again and I just need them to make similar oaths for the 314 annoying ass bars on 9th and everything will be okay.
MOVIE OF THE DAMNED
Queen of the Damned is not a good movie. Let’s make that clear. But it is a fun movie. It’s nothing but costumed, accented stupid fun. If you like your vampires sexy, decadent and melodramatic, this is your movie. And the music isn’t bad either. Even an old, non-goth boy like myself likes it. Of course the Anne Rice purists hated it and I understand (you have noticed my rants about comic book movies are a bit longer than others), but I never read the books, so I could enjoy this for the cheesefest it was. Stuart Townsend may not be the best actor in the world, but he is good at two things: pleasing Charlize Theron and playing decadent characters. He was great as Dorian Gray in League of Extraordinary Gentlemen and he was a much better Lestat than freaking Tom Cruise. You can believe this guy was once a 18th Century French nobleman. Also, there’s no whiny Brad Pitt character in the movie (though there was in the book), so everyone in it is a vampire who loves being a vampire or a human who wants to be one. And to top it off, he’s a fucking rock star and if there’s a job better suited for a vampire I can’t think of it. I love this crapfest movie and bought it over the weekend.
THEN AGAIN, I HAVE NO SHAME
So I enjoy the VH1 lists of songs, but they tend to sacrifice accuracy for humor. For example, in their 40 Most Softsations Soft Rock Songs, crediting Peter Cetera for Chicago’s soft rock rep is bullshit. It was “Color My World” that did that. I mean, IT HAD A FUCKING FLUTE! You don’t get more soft rock than that. But like Hall & Oates, non-Peter Cetera Chicago is actually more blue-eye-soul than soft rock, so maybe that’s why. And I’ve got new respect for Dennis DeYoung because he characterized the success of “Babe” as being “Because relate to the lyrics…and they like white guys singing high.” That he has a sense of humor about all this shit (unlike fucking Steve Perry)totally redeems him in my eyes. But “Babe” was already on my iPod and I’m not ashamed.
THE LION SLEEPS THE BIG SLEEP TONIGHT
Speaking of music, the lead singer of The Tokens died at age 82. Oh, you know The Tokens. They sang “The Lion Sleeps Tonight” and he was the guy hitting all those high notes. Sadly, my real exposure to this song was the remake in the 80’s from the band Tight Fit.
YES, LOIS. IT’S ME
So I got my new glasses and I was going to include a picture, but I’m one of those people who is always so anticipating the flash, my eyes are forever half closed so I look stone, drunk and half asleep. We’ve got a set of family photos that look like an anti-drug campaign showing the all-american family ignoring the symptoms that their son is fucked up, because I look like that in every picture. Well, they’re Moto 944’s if you really care to look them up online. So, instead of that picture to celebrate Gay Pride Week (and my groping) we get the funniest comic I’ve seen in a long time: Trucker Fags In Denial. It’s from Fantagraphics, the premier comics publishing house. These are the guys who believe that comics are an art form and are more than Superman and Batman (obviously they’re wrong). They’ve been reprinting republished hardbound editions of every single Charles Schultz’s Peanuts like it’s fucking Picasso. I found it at the comic book store and you just cannot resist a title like that. It’s basically two truckers who are in denial about being gay until one night, while sharing a hotel room on a run, one decides “To teach this faggot a lesson” and even though he’s not gay, it requires him fucking his buddy---in graphic detail. It’s that sequel to Brokeback Mountain you never, ever wanted.
JUNE 18, 2007 NOT QUITE CLOBBERIN’ TIME
Fantastic Four: Rise of the Silver Surfer opens at number one and while I did somewhat enjoy the first one, it was by no means a good movie. They just did what every adaptation needs to do: get the characters right. Get the characters right and everything else is gravy. Unfortunately, there was very little gravy outside of getting the characters right. This isn’t much different. In fact, they realized where their bread was buttered and most of this film is the interaction of the characters. It’s more “The Four Who Are Occasionally Fantastic.” This not good news to anyone looking for a worthy adaptation of what was one of the Fantastic Four’s greatest storylines if not the greatest as it introduced two of the most durable characters in Marvel Comics history: The Silver Surfer and Galactus. You’ll only find one of them here and the movie ain’t called “The Rise of Galactus.” As in the original story, The Silver Surfer guides Galactus (here’s called by one of his comic’s non de plumes “Devourer of Worlds”) from planet to planet where he consumes its energy, destroying it and all life on it. In the comics, Galactus flat out lands in Manhattan to begin his meal. Here---which is actually an interesting idea---the Surfer has to “prep” the planet for destruction, essentially creating large holes giant space straws to suck out the living goodness. In both versions the Fantastic Four attack and briefly defeat The Silver Surfer, only to find themselves helpless against Galactus. Their salvation comes in two ways: The Silver Surfer regains his lost humanity to fight Galactus and a character called The Watcher literally gives them a “deus ex machina” a weapon from Galactus’s own ship that can destroy him (and the entire universe). Since there’s obviously no ship there’s no Watcher here either, so another solution has to be found. In the comics after his defeat by FF, The Silver Surfer just happens to land in the studio of The Thing’s blind girlfriend, Alicia. It’s her gentle nature that causes him to rebel. Here, it’s Jessica Alba’s rocking ass. Okay, not her rocking ass, the fact that he reminds him of the love he lost (The Silver Surfer agreed to be a planet pimp in return for the salvation of his world), but if that’s true, she must have had a rocking ass. And the worst hair and make-up job in cinema history! Oh. My. God. They try so hard to make the Latina Alba look like a WASP it’s pathetic. Not to mention ugly to the point of distraction. Did you not fucking know at all during the first film that she wasn’t White!?! Do you realize that everyone else knew and you still made $330M worldwide so what’s the problem now!?! And to drive home how stupid this is, Chris Evans, who plays Johnny Storm, her brother, has even darker hair now than he did in the first. God fucking forbid he be a blonde. And while I normally love movies that are 89 minutes long, we could have done with another 10-20 of story to fill in the details, like why, with the world at stake only the US is doing anything? And able to do it without any involvement in Russia. Have we always had military bases in Siberia? That’s the kind of useless stupidity that grounds movies like this. Are the United Nations and NATO unknown to these people? I know three dimensional characters and logic are, but the UN?
SINATRA WOULD HAVE APPROVED
Ocean’s 13 is down to number two and I continue my disappointment with Ellen Barkin’s role in this with the fact that she doesn’t have a romance with Matt Damon’s character. He’s playing her so they can get at Al Pacino. And it’s not even a real seduction. She’s defined as a “cougar” and he wears a chemical enhancement that sets her off. Why? ‘Cause she’s old, kids. A romantic subplot between an older woman and younger man could never be “real” even from a comedic standpoint. No, she’s just an old slut artificially put into heat who will no doubt be destroyed alongside Al Pacino. I kept waiting for the “twist” that she and Matt Damon actually fall for one another, but it never came. George Clooney gets the younger Julia Roberts in Ocean’s Eleven and Brad Pitt gets the younger Catherine Zeta-Jones in Ocean’s Twelve, but in Ocean’s Thirteen we just have spinsters who will no doubt die alone.
I WOULDN’T PUT MUCH HOPE IN CENTERSTAGE 2
Knocked Up holds at number three, followed by Pirates of the Caribbean: At World’s End is down to number four and I was wrong. Not everyone came back from the first. Zoë Saldana didn’t make it back and if it was the fault of her agent, she needs to fire his ass right now, ‘cause he fucked up more than any agent in recent memory. Bad enough she’s been pushed out of “Young Black Girlfriend” roles by Megan Good and all her hoochie lusciousness, but now to lose out on one of the biggest film series ever!?! I’d be drinking. Hell, I may just drink for her.
SURF’S UP, CAREERS DOWN
Surf’s Up is down to five and let’s run down the list of non-A-List celebs that had to do this. Well, Shia LeBeouf at the time needed it more than it needed him, likewise for James Woods, who was A-list when he did Hercules, but right now is doing TV and lucky to have that. Mario Cantone also needed it as there’s only so much of a demand for screaming, obnoxious queens and Jon Heder didn’t quite find leading man success after Napoleon Dynamite. Also, while we all love Zooey Deschanel, her sister is probably more famous at this point (she’s the lead character on Bones). Only Jeff Bridges is here for fun. They got him to do it, by using his dialogue from The Big Lebowski with the animated penguin.
EXPECT CHAD MICHAEL MURRAY AS A HARDY BOY
Shrek The Third is down to number six and I’m odd in that I love detective stories, but I hate mysteries. I love the idea of the hero who wins because of brains, but at the same time hate any story built upon me not knowing. I’ve been like this since I was a kid, so of course I was drawn to kid detectives. This is why I absolutely love Encyclopedia Brown to this day and was tempted to see Nancy Drew, opening at number seven, but I couldn’t because I didn’t want to be that creepy old guy in the theater to see a movie about a pretty, young girl. I mean, everyone loves animation, but here’s only one reason a 40-year-old man is watching this alone and mothers won’t sit their kids next to him because of it. Starring in this is Emma Roberts, daughter of Eric and niece of Julia, who has been quietly toiling away in movies for years before graduating to her own potential franchise. Let’s hope it turns a profit on DVD, because I think we all know how Pamela Sue Martin turned out (if you don’t get that it just means you’re not old). I think it was inspired to place Nancy Drew in a modern setting, but make her retro. Who knows, maybe this touch of whimsy is what Veronica Mars needed because god knows it wasn’t a show with the most fun premise. Sorry, I gave her a chance, but I’ve got a problem with show where a teen detective’s whose major mystery is find out who raped her! Hello!?! How is this fun and who the fuck wants to watch it every week!?! I’ll probably give this a shot on cable in a year when watching won’t get me on an F.B.I. list.
WHEN YOU’RE BELOW SHIA LEBEOUF, YOU’VE REALLY BLOWN IT
Hostel Part II is down to number eight and right now, they’re looking at the success of freaking Disturbia and the disappointment of this and thinking that maybe, just maybe, PG13 thrills may be the way to go. Of course this will all be out the window when Saw IV (no, I’m not kidding) opens big at Halloween. Of course anything horror related will open big on Halloween. I could call my video from Las Vegas three years ago “Death On The Strip” with the tagline “Whoever Dies In Vegas, Stays In Vegas” and make a fortune so long as I open on Halloween (but even though it’s my movie, as the “Black guy” it has to be edited to seem like I die).
IT’S CALLED MAKE-UP, PEOPLE. BUY A CLUE.
Mr. Brooks is down to number nine and Demi Moore is in this and the 80’s are loooonng time away for her. Yeah, it looks like she stopped working to raise the kids, but she wasn’t Julia Roberts. When she faded from view it was after the disappointment (in order) of The Scarlet Letter, The Juror, Striptease and G.I. Jane. Had any of these been gigantic hits, you would have seen a lot more of Demi Moore between 1997 and 2003 when she popped up in Charlie’s Angels. But to those who insist she’s had work done, because she looks good, hey, Brad Pitt and Johnny Depp are her fucking age and no one ever says anything about them going under the knife. Granted, she asked for it by getting the boob job and denying it like no one saw her A-cups in About Last Night, but at her age, this is when the plastic surgery starts giving way and her face looks like rubber and that’s not the case. Not to mention if you’re really paying attention, there are plenty of lines in that face. She’s like Diane Lane; she looks good, but definitely looks her age.
EXCELSIOR, BITCHES!
Finally, Spider-Man 3 closes out the top ten, but is still able to give Stan Lee two movies in the top ten. Yes, Stan Lee has cameos in both Spider-Man 3 and Fantastic Four: Rise of the Silver Surfer and for those of you who don’t know your history, Stan Lee either created or co-created Spider-Man, The Fantastic Four, The Hulk, Daredevil and The X-Men (though Jack Kirby Alone created The Silver Surfer). Whole lotta people making money because of old Stan, but sadly, Stan’s magic is long gone. His latest project? A cartoon based on Paris Hilton. Lo, how the mighty have fallen. But I wonder how they’ll show the herpes that kept her in the prison hospital (that’s supposedly what the medical emergency is all about; being in jail has so stressed her, the herpes has flared up to an excruciating level)?
“DOCTOR MY EYES HAVE SEEN THE YEARS…”
I’m slowly but surely trying to take advantage of my new gig and while I can’t bring myself to go to the dentist or seemingly get a doctor’s appointment before July 30th (my memories of my three doctor prostate exam still slow me down. It’s so bad, in my memory I’m Ned Beatty in Deliverance), I did finally go in to get my eyes checked after dancing around it for weeks. Well, apparently my eyes have gotten better over the last decade, because the last time I go them checked was five or six years ago and that prescription hadn’t changed since the previous time, but this time she tells me I don’t need them that strong. She also told me she’d have pegged me for 30---right before telling me that because of “my age” I should get a more thorough check up of my optic nerves. Build the old man up, then slap him down. I dragged Chasing Amy along with the lure of an unlimited booze brunch available at the Film Center Café. After establishing a nice little buzz, she and I picked out some new frames for me since I obviously cannot do it on my own. I couldn’t get the Hugo Boss ones I picked out with The Libertine (I told you I’ve been doing this for awhile), because my insurance only applies at certain places and to go outside of them means going out of pocket then being reimbursed and fuck that noise. Anything even remotely decent is $200+ these days and I’m not throwing that out then waiting for an insurance company to get back to me. After that we went to find her a bike and if you think eyeglass frames are a racket, you should see bikes. I don’t think you could get a decent bicycle seat for $100, much less a bike. Anything decent there starts at $400, especially if you want to go on and off roads the way she does. I could feel her squirm at the price, so I encouraged her to do what all shoppers do: go home and research it online to see if you can find it cheaper. It’s what I had to do with my sandals. Unfortunately, there wasn’t (just like with my shoes), but she wound up going somewhere different because those fuckers have a chain here in the city and don’t feel the need to bargain on the price for a 2006 bike that’s been discontinued. Still, it made me want to get a bike, as I haven’t had one since I was in college. Then I remembered I ride the stationary bike three times a week at the gym and it’s not getting rid of this gut, so I’m not going to cough up a few hundred bucks for something that’s going to just clutter my already cluttered apartment. Besides, is it just me, or do bikers just come off as assholes in their shorts and douchey little helmets? Oh, and those shirts that even gay men find wussy.
FIRST RULE ABOUT WRITE CLUB IS…
So, I’m Border’s Children’s Section looking for Encyclopedia Brown books, slowly realizing that I’m going to wind up on an F.B.I. watch list no matter what I do, when I see none other than Chuck “Fight Club” Palonik autographing copies of his new book. It was kinda what I expected. He was short, skinny, but obviously in shape and wearing one of those tight, bicycle shirts to show it off. Like most people who have acquired some fame, he looked a people waiting to be recognized, but someone should have told him YOU’RE A FUCKING WRITER! NO ONE KNOWS OR CARES WHAT YOU LOOK LIKE! Much easier on the eyes was Heather Graham at 51st Street & 8th Ave, dressed all in white. She was still pretty in person (not always the case, kids), skinny like I expected, taller than I expected, but alas, I did not get to see her chest. And Brian Denneghy just looked old when I saw him on 46th and 6th.
NEW MUSIC FOR OLD PEOPLE
This is my new favorite song playing. It’s very important that I find new music. It helps counteract how giddy I got seeing Verizon advertising the new Prince album, as he continues to do the same crap he’s done for the last decade or so, but I still cannot control the excitement of the 13-year-old in me who remembers first hearing “I Wanna Be Your Lover.”
JUNE 11, 2007
STILL WAITING THE BIG SCREEEN VERSION OF MAUDLIN’S 11
Ocean’s 13 opens at number one and I saw this solely based on the presence of Ellen Barkin. Julia Roberts was the hole in the first (she had no chemistry with Clooney, no matter how much they may like one another) and the second with Catherine Zeta Jones was an abomination that even Clooney and Soderbergh apologize for, as it was, perhaps, the most smug fucking movie ever made. It was “Hey, watch us be pretty and rich in Europe, you ugly, poor fuckers who pay to see it.” Bringing on Ellen Barkin was a wise move because she’s the first woman who seems like she may have a pair of her own. She’s perfect to run with the boys. Unfortunately, there’s precious little running around to be done here. She’s on the other side as Al Pacino’s Girl Friday and her role is a bit more on the submissive side, which I personally found disappointing. The film is more of the same, but again missing the spark of first by the simple virtue of we’ve seen it all before. Someone from a Godfather movie has wronged the crew and now they’ll pay (with Al Pacino, Andy Garcia and Scott Caan we’ve got both Michael Corleone, his nephew by his brother Sonny and the actual son of James Caan---who stars in a show about a Vegas casino actual). Initially it was fun watching how Danny Ocean and his buddies seemed to know everyone every where, now it’s just ridiculous, because when you’ve got an army, how impressive is it when you win? It’s only fun or a feat if the bad guy seems unbeatable. Now that you know Danny and his crew have millions of dollars at their disposal and seemingly never-ending personnel resources it’s simply a matter of whether or not you enjoy watching the wheels turn. Also, there’s no “twist.” We thought we knew how the job was done in the first movie on to find out we were deceived as much as Andy Garcia. This time, they talk about what they’re going to do, we see them plan it out, then execute it. What’s the point? It would be more interesting to only see the barest details of the plan when execution comes there’s a “wow” factor. The only spark of real interest is when Casey Affleck is sent to Mexico to infiltrate the dice-making factory and starts a worker revolt because he can’t stand the conditions, thus jeopardizing the plan. Now that’s funny and new. The rest, not so much. Now everyone can seemingly understand Chinese so even the little joke of Brad Pitt being able to understand Yen, is now gone. And Don Cheadle’s cockney accent hasn’t gotten any better. But what is up with no Topher Grace cameo?
IT’S A MAN’S, MAN’S, MAN’S WORLD
Pirates of the Caribbean is down to number two, followed by Knocked Up at number three and Paul Rudd is also in this and continues his reign as the thinking woman’s sex symbol (let it go, ladies; he’s married with children, while the bloated balding John Cusack is still single and child free). Did I say thinking woman? I mean indie-film-going-Jon-Stewart-watching-NPR-listening-not-exactly-gym-going woman. These women are Paul Rudd’s female fan base. And he pretty much plays the same kind of role here, though he’s actually director Judd Aptatow’s doppelganger, as the problems he’s having with his marriage are reflective of the problems Leslie Mann had in her actual marriage to Apatow. Some of the dialogue is taken word-for-word from real life situations, which must be just thrilling for her, because she neither of them comes off great in this (I just hope that whole “sex constipation” conversation was made up). But their daughters are super cute onscreen. Also, there’s a direct homage to the repartee in 40-Year-Old Virgin between Paul Rudd and Seth Rogen here. Yeah, I know that’s going to send you running out to see it. But ironically, it’s these same women who are behind a slight backlash over the film for the very reasons I cited. Katherine Heigel’s character is lacking in…character. She’s basically a slacker’s fantasy. A pretty, large breasted blonde with a six-figure income but strangely so socially inept that this doofus is a desirable choice. Um, no. Not to mention, what women are going to movies to see the pretty, successful woman hook up with the fat, unattractive loser? At least George on Grey’s Anatomy is a freaking doctor.
ENDLESS BUMMER
Surf’s Up opens at number four and we’re just about all penguined out at this point, are we not? This takes the approach of a documentary about penguin who wants to be a champion surfer, rather than your traditional story following him on this way to becoming a champion surfer. I hate to say it, but if you’re making a movie aimed at kids, I prefer the straightforward version. The only reason to do mockumentary is to appeal to adults and if you’re going that route, you should just flat out leave the kids behind and take it there. But the trailers didn’t move me in the slightest. And this was before I found out fucking Shia LeBouf was doing the voice of the lead character. There’s no escaping this fucker this summer. At least that explains why the lead character seems a bit of a tool. The most appealing thing about this movie? Jeff Bridges is essentially reprising his role as Dude from The Big Lebowski as a champion surfer penguin. And that’s still not enough to get me in.
MEATLOAF WOULD UNDERSTAND WHAT I’M SAYING HERE
Shrek 3 is down to number five and there are going to be at least two more sequels---which I will only see on cable, because I am done. I wasn’t crazy about the first, enjoyed the second, but thought this one kinda blew. One out of three is not good.
WHAT THIS MOVIE NEEDS IS BALLS…IN A VISE
Hostel Part 2 opens poorly at number six, which couldn’t make me happier because you know how I feel about the scary, but I really don’t count this current trend of “snuff porn” as scary, as much as stupid. In this version we have women, the traditional victims of horror films back at the forefront of victims, which doubles my refusal to see it and may have contributed to its poor opening as the male victim status was a novelty in horror. I, personally, long ago lost the ability to see a young woman begging for her life while being slaughtered and taking some sort of thrill from it, especially when it’s another human doing the killing. Big space monster chomping people up? You might have my attention, but not this shit. The poster is what the definition of porn was actually meant for: it’s Bijou Phillips naked holding her decapitated head. The marketing department tries to play it off as not being meant for the average American, but being “acceptable in Europe” and for the more hardcore horror fan, as if that’s somehow positive. You might want to ask him when was the last time you saw a male corpse sexualized like that. And Bijou Phillips, being a dumbass (she lost her virginity to Evan Dando of The Lemonheads when she was 16 and he was 30---IN REHAB), not only loved it but also proceeded to insult the country of Slovakia for objecting to being the setting of this (remember this when you wonder where the term “ugly American” comes from) However, the film apparently goes the extra mile of making their victimizers more human instead of nameless and faceless, which I have to admit, would actually increase the horror content. As I said last week when talking about Mr. Brooks, nothing is scarier than the monster looking like the guy next door. But you have to think about how a changed world makes a film like this possible. Slovakia didn’t appreciate being turned into a tourist nightmare and I’m sure the US being somewhat at odds with the rest of the world played into the very concept of the film. In a less paranoid state of the world where foreigners have done us no harm, this might not have been set outside the US, which is frankly scarier. Again, it’s always scarier when it’s right next door. Look for that to come up in one of the inevitable sequels. Oh, and I just don’t fucking like director Eli Roth. He comes across as a total asshole in his interviews acting like he’s saving horror from movies like Scream, which mocked the clichés, he’s hell-bent on returning.
“ACTING” HIS AGE IS JUST ABOUT ALL HE’S DOING
Mr. Brooks is down to number seven and you know Kevin Costner isn’t a top star any longer when he has to have a movie wife his own age. Marge Helgeberger plays his wife and she has entered Anne Archer/Sela Ward/Rene Russo territory as the older woman still hot enough to still be worthy of playing an aging leading man’s age appropriate wife. She’s lucky. Usually, they’re all former models. But I’m still waiting for the movie where she, Eric Stoltz and Suzy Amis all play siblings. Geek connection: she’s going to be the voice of Princess Tascela in the animated adaptation of the classic Conan The Barbarian story, “Red Nails.”
IT’S ALREADY TOO LATE FOR POOR DON KNOTTS
Spider-Man is down to number eight, followed by Waitress at number nine and believe it or not, Andy Griffith is in this movie. Damn. Why is it we never see Andy in Ron Howard’s movies? You owe him, punk!
THE MARK OF EVIL PART 1
Disturbia closes out the top ten at number ten and not a moment too soon, as it gives Shia LeBouf two films in the top ten. If Transformers had opened any earlier it would have been three. Sigh.
BACK HOME WE CALL IT “THEE-ATE-HER”
Dorito Cheeseburger Woman returns and finally in a way that relates to me. For those of you know actors, you know they will drop off the face of the earth for periods of time then reappear just in time for you to see them in whatever show they’re appearing (and that she skipped over most of this page until she got to the part that was about her). For better or worse, most all my friendships are like this. I go for months without talking to or seeing many of my friends. It allows for maximum self-indulgence and navel gazing. This time the show in question was…King Kong? Excuse me, but just how do you do King Kong onstage? Well, they weren’t doing King Kong onstage, they were doing an adaptation of a the radio show of King Kong. It was in a tiny theater on the lower east side above KGB Bar on E 4th Street. To their credit, I did get into it. After a point you do start imagining what’s going on rather than just seeing four people standing in front of microphones (actually I was visualizing the recent movie, which I enjoyed less than this), but the question does remain: why? Seriously, why would you do this? I can understand doing this as a podcast (why someone hasn’t seized upon the podcast as a way to revitalize the long-dead radio show is beyond me), but they didn’t do that either. It’s a play of a radio show and they do nothing to maximize the visual aspect beyond some smoke onstage. No one dresses a part because, well, they play different parts and there’s no time or room for costume changes, so you’re left up believe that guy in the t-shirt and jeans is Carl Denham. The heavy lifting is done by sound effects in helping set the scene, and while it’s pretty good for the most part, they ironically stumble when it came to Kong. You never “felt” he was there at all. The other characters were fine, but it’s not called “Carl Denham Makes A Movie With Ann Darrow.” It’s called King Kong and when he roared the theater space should have shook with his presence. Instead we get the narrator telling us of Kong’s roars. Dorito Cheeseburger Woman, a.k.a, Karyn Plonsky has the scream and looks to make a living getting slaughtered in horror movies should she choose to go that way. But I don’t see it. Unless you’re the lead, you’re dying and if you’re dying you’re usually naked and no one who prays before a burger is going to pop her top for Eli Roth’s murder machine. This is not to say she’s all sweetness. After the show as I waited on E 4th for her to come out with the crowd (another show had let out at the same time, so friends and supporters crowded the sidewalk), I just happened to wind up behind a trio of her male admirers who’d also come to see the show. As I declined the invitation to join them for after-show festivities (I had to start writing this fucking thing or face another 4:00 am Monday morning) she said, “You aren’t intimidated by these guys, are you?” What. The. Fuck. I mean, why just ask me if I’m concerned about my penis size? Or just open your sacs and release pheromones into the air indicating mating season has become and the males must fight for dominance? If we were baboons this would be the revelation of the engorged reddened vulva to send the male primates into a frenzy. She was starting trouble. Luckily I’m much to secure in myself to be affected by such things (I was the only Black guy, hence largest penis and it didn’t matter that I was probably the shortest) and declined, heading off to buy cheap wine at Trader Joe’s so I could get loaded and write this (in case you were wondering where all the grammatical errors originate).
WOMEN ARE SCARY. PASS IT ALONG.
I read various sites during the day at work (in the words of Gilbert “How did people fake work before the internet?”) but my favorites are the network of Gawker.com, Defamer.com and Jezebel.com. Defamer is more Hollywood and movies, while Gawker is more NYC and publishing (and if you can think of a better way to utterly define the difference between the two coasts I’d like to see it). Jezebel is their new sister site and it’s basically women talking about everything and it is scary. It reminds me of the times I’ve been the only man in a room filled with women who have forgotten I’m a guy or simply don’t care and just let it hang out the way women rarely do when men are around. In other words, if you’ve got any illusions of women as better beings than men or the vagina as something sacred, don’t go there. Seriously. Don’t go there. Let me put it this way: they’ve got a reoccurring feature called “Pimp My Vadge.” Yeah, between them, living with a woman for years and having majority female friends, all romance about the vagina is gone for me. For men it’s the ultimate source of all happiness. For women it tends be little more than an extra armpit: an area that needs to be maintained constantly for hair and smell because men tend to freak out over both when it was freaking meant to be both hairy and smelly.
CARY GRANT WOULD UNDERSTAND
Okay, once I started getting paid regularly again, I figured I was due some indulgence and despite what you may think, that’s not shoes or booze or porn. Having a real job only meant increasing those. No, this had to be something I wouldn’t otherwise buy. I toyed with an Xbox 360 (Bad Influence endorsed this, thus continuing to earn his name) and also a Playstation 2 (it would have been my fourth), but instead got...a new duvet with matching pillowcases. I swear I’m not gay. It’s linen for the summer and off-white. Unfortunately, having red walls limits my color choices, unfortunately. Still, I wanted something darker, because this will get dirty much too quickly for someone who hates doing laundry like I do.
NOT TO MENTION “WET” AS A DOUBLE ENTENDRE
As you all know, I abandoned Playboy many, many years ago, because I sickened of the plastic, blonde fembots Hefner so loves (if you’ve seen Girls Next Door you know this). However, I pick it up occasionally for the odd C-List celebrity (Stacey Dash, Debbie Gibson) or minority centerfold (to support our sistas in various shades of brown and gold). Well another occasion dawned last week when Olympic Gold Medalist Amanda Beard posed for Playboy. Now given what a good job they actually did with Gabrielle Reece, my expectations were uncharacteristically high. I should have known better. First of all, the lame cover. Who becomes art director of a magazine anywhere in world by deciding that, when you have someone who is famous for swimming, you will have her dry and against a yellow background. Not wet and against a blue background. No, dry and yellow. And while I love Amanda Beard I’ll be the first to admit her looks are particular. Catch her from the wrong angle and you get Sarah Jessica Parker Syndrome, a.k.a., “Who’s That Dude?” Another strike against the cover. It’s so sad. The FHM covers she’s done are better. Freaking FHM, the people whose photography makes Playboy look like Mapplethorpe. The magazine that sucked so badly it doesn’t even exist anymore (do you know how bad at porn you have to be not to make money!?!). The inside is a little better but she continues the sad tradition of the weak-ass nudity that far too many celebs subscribe to. The no “va-jay-jay” nudity which makes me wonder what the point was, since you can be topless in other magazines. Granted, I probably wouldn’t have liked it since she obviously has no pubic hair and I find a naked vagina pedophilic, but it’s the principle of the thing. Nude means naked. And it borders on dull in its sad quest to be “tasteful” so yes, this means yet another arched back while sitting on a rock in the desert. I swear, I’ve see so many nude shots in the desert, I beginning wonder if anyone actually keeps their clothes when they go there. I must have been in the only part where people kept their freaking clothes on. Just over the ridge it must have been Buttnekkidpalooza. They put her in water at least, but with only one underwater shot. Again, do we have to dig Herb Ritts out of his grave to tell you to have the gold-medalist for swimming swim naked for your naked magazine? Sigh.
STILL TRYING TO FILL THE VOID HALL & OATES LEFT
Fearless Music continues to be my source of new music and my latest thing is Honeycut, another group of blue eyed soul makers and honestly, it’s more soulful and better than Maroon 5’s new album---though Adam Levine is working that thing so hard even my sisters (the ones my parents gave me) like him. My favorite track is “Butter Room” because it’s obviously a metaphor for sex, drawing upon a very obscure and crude expression (butter pussy). “I wanna go to sleep/In a butter room/Wake up laughing in the afternoon…” Yeah, he’s not talking about a room. He’s a man who has yet to have his illusions destroyed by jezebel.com.
HAVE I MENTIONED I LOVE TV?
Finally, I’ve begun to indulge myself in canceled TV shows I like because a) unlike the ones that survive I never see them (Smallville runs every day and Scrubs every hour), b) there are usually episodes I’ve never seen and c) they’re cheap because it’s rarely more than 13 episodes. This week it’s a little known series from last year called The Loop. Again another Fox show that was too good for Fox and canceled. But here’s the irony: though it didn’t do well enough to be picked up, it apparently did do well enough that they’re going to burn off the last six or so episodes this summer after attempting to “retool” the show---meaning it won’t be as good as the first seven. The show was about a recent college grad who got a job working for an airline based in Chicago. It was supposed to be about his conflict between his work life and his partying house of friends, including his slacker older brother, supposedly blonde dimwit hottie and girl he’s had a crush on since college. Out of this they pulled a show smarter and funnier than it had any right to be. No wonder it failed (they must have really confused the suits when the blonde turned out not to be dumb). One of the high points was Mimi Rogers as a cougar co-worker who never stopped hitting on him. And believe it or not, the episode where he so hurt his balls so badly that he had to get relief to function for a business meeting was too funny for the Adam Sandler movie you’d think it belonged in. He also hurt his hands at the same time so it came down to one of the above-mentioned three doing it for him, with his brother volunteering (“Hey, bro, we got the same meatstick.”).
JUNE 4, 2007
RIDING THIS SHIP TILL THE RUDDER FALLS OFF
Pirates of the Caribbean: At World’s End Holds on to the number one spot and when they make the fourth one, expect everyone (who lived) to be back onboard, because aside from Geoffrey Rush who has an Oscar and Bill Nighy who is the hardest working man in show business now that JB is dead, what the hell else do the others have outside of this? Orlando Bloom has tried everything from historical epics (Troy, Kingdom of God) to comedy/drama (Elizabethtown) to even indie noir work no one saw (Haven) but has come up with nothing. Kiera Knightley had a modest success with Pride & Prejudice, but tanked as a lead in Domino, Love Actually was an all-star disappointment and King Arthur was another all-brit failure. And Johnny Depp continues to make crappy indie work whenever given a chance (The Libertine). No, these guys will be on the first flight to Florida the moment Disney offers. Not to mention the line of people trying to talk their way onto this cash cow. I’m sure Stallone calls most every day to disappointing results. And the apparent “no women over 30” rule is keeping Sharon Stone and her attempt at an accent at bay.
BAREBACK MOUNTAIN
Knocked Up opens at number two and this is from Judd Apatow, the writer and director of 40 Year Old Virgin, so expect more of the same. Also, because 40 Year Old Virgin was such a success, expect a little more indulgence from the director with in his impulses and that’s why this is not as good as that film. Yes, most critics have gone nuts heaping praise on it, but I was a little disappointed. This is not to say it isn’t funny, but it’s funny in the same way over and over again for almost two solid hours and if you if you like ugly slackers who look like they smell bad, then you’re set. Knocked up is basically about a 20-something slacker, Seth Rogen (best known to you as the guy in 40-Year Old virgin who went to the donkey show) who against all odds manages to not only sleep with but impregnate Katherine Heigel (best known to you as the now-insane Izzy on Grey’s Anatomy. She decides to keep the baby and they then try to make a go of it as a couple and the question that’s never really answered is “Why?” Okay, why she keeps it is no mystery or why she would at least try to make a go of it with the father of her child. No, the mystery is why she doesn’t seem to have any other options and the reason is because Judd Apatow is a dude and makes movies with his dude buddies who are just like him (if you read the NY Times Magazine article on him, they point this out and describe the crew who are pretty well represented in this film). They don’t have any female friends and subsequently don’t know how to write them. You’ll remember Catherine Keener, despite being a 40-something woman also had no friends, female or otherwise. At least Katherine Heigel has her sister here as a best friend, but only because she’s played by Apatow’s wife Leslie Mann. Also because of her he’s included a second film here about his marriage and made his wife the star of it with their two daughters as the two daughters (they are adorable and funny, meaning it’s in their genes) and Paul Rudd as his doppleganger. Otherwise, Katherine Heigel’s character has no friends from work, none from college and apparently no men want to date a young, pretty blonde with large, real breasts. IN CALIFORNIA! But of course, to give her more of a story would mean less time with Seth Rogen’s slacker buddies and we might have lost that bit about how farting into one another’s pillows bare-assed gave them all pink eye. Yeah, that’s funny, but it’s two hours of that and without the sweetness and charm of Steve Carell or his band of friends who were at least all different. That’s also because a great deal of what they did was improved and four totally different men would make four distinct characters, whereas these guys are all more or less the same. And did I mention they’re all ugly and look like they smell?
I DON’T WANT TO CALL IT TYPECASTING, BUT…
Shrek The Third is down to number three followed by Mr. Brooks, opening at number four and while some may be surprised by Kevin Costner openly playing a bad guy, it’s like when that thirtysomething guy, Ken Olin, played the murdering husband in the movie about the guy in Boston who murdered his pregnant wife, you kinda got that vibe off him all along. Especially given in his personal life, Costner turned out to be a total asshole, so he’s just decided to stop “acting” and merely be himself. Likewise with William Hurt playing his murdering alter-ego. Another raging tool of a person, though William Hurt has been a great actor all along. Even at Yale when he was alongside Sigourney Weaver and Meryl Streep, they knew he was the shit. And seriously, what is scarier than the guy who looks like your 8th grad gym teacher being a serial killer? Monsters who look like monsters are never as scary as monsters who look just like you, ‘cause you can pretty much see that thing with claws coming. Whatever motivation I may have had to see something like this was killed by Costner himself talking about SEQUELS WITH THE CHARACTER. Gee, so much for any suspense about him getting caught or killed. Thanks, Kev. This pretty much lets us know that Demi Moore as the cop after him either dies or fails. One thing I will miss though: the probable gristly death of Dane Cook. Now that’s worth paying for!
A CAUTIONARY TALE FOR ALL THE KIDS OUT THERE…
Spider-Man 3 is down to number 5 and also in this is Theresa Russell and once upon a time she was someone. Remember when she was in The Black Widow with Debra Winger? She blew that almost immediately with films like Physical Evidence, Impulse and then Whore. Yeah, between that movie and working with Burt Reynolds as her leading man, she hammered the nails in that career coffin pretty damn quick. But it’s not totally her fault. One Sharon Stone is already one too many and that’s the kind of character she does best. Trivia: She’s the inspiration for the Who song “Athena” and frankly that would be good enough for me. Yeah, Julia Roberts became a superstar and world famous for also playing a whore, but whom has she ever moved enough to write a song about her? Exactly. Her fame came a little too late for The Clash’s “Train In Vain” perhaps a play on words about that vein in her forehead which pulsates whenever she’s “acting.” Oh, I’m mean? Water is wet in case you didn’t know.
ANOTHER CAUTIONARY TALE FOR ALL THE KIDS OUT THERE FROM IVY LEAGUE SCHOOLS…
Waitress is down to number six, followed by Gracie entering the top ten at number seven and this is comes from the team of Elizabeth Shue and her husband, Davis Guggenheim, who directed An Inconvenient Truth. She just stars in it, which brings us to another round of “remember when?” Yeah, Leaving Lost Vegas briefly put the star of Adventures in Babysitting (guilty pleasure of mine) on top for a moment…which she quickly wasted on The Saint (another guilty pleasure that I watch whenever it’s on cable), Molly, Palmetto and Hollow Man. But in her own defense she decide to finish college at Harvard after all this so it’s not like she’s been doing films on Cinemax to pay the bills. She finished Harvard (after starting at Wellesley) and her husband went to Brown. Gee, no pressure on those kids come college time.
BONANZA DIDN’T HELP HOP SING EITHER
Bug is down to number eight, followed by 28 Weeks Later at number nine and Disturbia closing out the top ten at number ten, and think the Asian guy who plays the sidekick in this is going to get some of the heat from its success? Nah. Me neither.
I’M GONNA PASS ON WHATEVER TV SHOW ERIC MCCORMACK MAKES, HOWEVER
So, there were none more delighted than I when summer TV programming kicked in with The Starter Wife, because it put my beloved Debra Messing back on my screen. Sorry, but I’m all re-runed out on Will & Grace. No, she’s never going to have her pre-baby beauty again and god forbid they ever let her have curly hair again, but it still makes me happy to see her. I just wish it could have been in something a little better than this. This is based on the book by Brian Grazer’s wife, Gigi Levangie Grazer and it’s at a disadvantage because they reconciled, which means it could never be as mean or as nasty as woman who was truly dumped for a younger model (not to mention my pet theory that Grazer is in love with his partner, Ron Howard, based on nothing but his hair). Also in the show and apparently the book as well, she just goes from rich to less rich. Not thrown out on her ass with nothing at all. Not to mention in the first episode of the mini-series (a wonderful surprise meaning I get to see her on my TV for the next six weeks) she gets the protection of her husband’s boss (though only briefly 'cause he kills himself Coming Home style), who is one of the most powerful men in Hollywood and meets a hunky beach guy who is so obviously going to be her rebound love interest. Do I even need to tell you her husband is a nebbishy Jewish guy and the beach guy is a strapping WASP? Oh, well. It’s just summer programming after all. It’s like the type of book you read at the beach. Well, the kind I assume people read at the beach, as I do not read, nor do I go to the beach. It should be light and frothy and this is nothing but. Not to mention it’s got a serious supporting cast of women like Miranda Otto, Judy Davis and that forgotten Dreamgirl, Anika Noni Rose, whom I’m afraid is going to be her new “Black Friend Who Helps Her Make Through.”
THAT “M” NOW STANDS FOR “MENOPAUSAL”
So I watched the MTV Movie Awards and I’m just going to have to accept that I’m too old for it. Aside from it not being the paragon of hip youth culture that it once was, I just don’t care what the young people like. I’m not one of them, so fuck them. They like Borat. Case closed. Not that the show is so young. I see presenters like Adam Sandler, Robin Williams, Cameron Diaz, Bruce Willis etc, and I’m not seeing anyone under thirty. Even the choice of Sarah Silverman as host. She’s on the bad side of 35 herself. Not to mention, SHE’S NOT FUCKING FUNNY! At least Jaenene Garafalo was funny when she hosted with Ben Stiller back in 1998 when they were also still young enough to receive a mailing from Old Navy. Only the musical guests were relevant to someone who can’t drink legally. You know it’s sad when the highlight is Cameron Diaz in a short little black dress that she obviously wore to compete with the younger and hotter Jessica Biel. Here’s the thing: Shrek 3 may be a hit, but no one can see you! After all, what the hell did The Incredibles do for Craig T. Nelson? And speaking of aging, someone tell Johnny Depp that flannel-shirt-around-the-waist thing ended around 1995. Again, when he was actually young and boning every actress under 5’5” around.
IT’S ALL ABOUT ME. AND MY FEET.
I don’t pretend not to be a narcissist. My friendships are all based on that particular friend reflecting some part of me (movie, comics, porn, cheese, etc). But sometimes my friends surpass even me in a particular attribute. I was supposed to go shopping with The Libertine on Saturday after brunch. Now, I’m nothing close to an early riser, so for me brunch is around 2:00. And given that she’s never on time, I figured 2:30. She pushed it to 3:00 and didn’t show until a quarter of 4:00. Now, if you’re later getting started on a weekend than I am, that’s just sad. Not that I waited. I was eating when she finally showed up (at Agave, where an egg brunch gets you a free drink and they make a damn good frozen margarita). Now, when she was recently in Germany she picked up some Birkenstocks for me because I’m old and my feet have special needs. Sadly, the Birks she got had no soft cushion in them. The Germans don’t need it, but us wussy Americans do, so those are now on eBay and we hit streets to find the cushy ones. Our search was waylaid almost immediately when we ran across the pet stores in the West Village. In the first store a Chihuahua that was playful behind the glass lost all interest when brought outside to play and the little black Chihuahua brought out to play with him was nothing but energetic---until accidentally being dropped on his head (hey, he jumped out of her hands). That led to us leaving the store quickly. We stopped at another store nearby where she fell for Wheaton Terrier and god help me, if I’d had the money the Longhaired Dachshund puppy would have been mine! Mine I say! He was so cute. He tried to lick himself but couldn’t because he was too long! Finally, we got back to our shopping, being constantly disappointed in the Birkenstock hunt (if they had them at all, it wasn’t in a man’s size because, well, men aren’t lesbians), but I discovered the Earth shoe. Yeah, that Earth shoe. They’re still around and making shoes that help your aching feet and lower back. Perfect for an old man like me. But I didn’t buy them immediately, because I had to do my internet research first (picked them up the next day and shouldn’t sandals cost less than regular shoes given they’re half the material). After that it was my turn to play Will to her Grace while she picked out summer dresses and bikinis and I should really be charging for this. How many straight men enjoy shopping and have taste? I’m a prize goddamn it. Because we started so late, it was literally the closing of stores that stopped us before I could get my linen pants. I love jeans, but the return of summer heat means the return of its unavoidable companion: sticky crotch (and not in the good way). We must remain cool. And stylish.
ALMOST AS MUCH FUN AS ACTUALLY EATING
The fall season on Fox sucks because between baseball and football, it shuts down original programming for unlucky shows in September and October and every Sunday until January. Between that and their own bad taste, it’s a graveyard of good shows that never got a chance. But thanks to DVD these need not vanish into the ether like shows of yesteryear. Last week one such casualty saw new life on DVD: Kitchen Confidential. Based loosely off the book and life of chef Anthony Bourdain, it was smart and funny and obviously doomed from the start. I was sad when it was canceled but not even remotely surprised. But now I not only have it back but also with 9 unaired episodes! NINE! This is great because I’ve recently developed this habit where I need to see something funny before I go to bed every night and there are only so many Scrubs and That 70’s Show reruns playing at the right time.
NIRVANA
I thought I knew what heaven was and looked like a large piece of cheese. That’s before I discovered Chipotle Lime dip. My life will never be the same again. This stuff is so good, I want to put it on everything, meats, cheeses, women…everything! A new addiction is born. Pass the crackers…