"To live is to war with trolls." --- Henrik Ibsen
STOCK FEMALE ASIAN ROLE #1: MARTIAL ARTS MASTER's DAUGHTER WHO DATES WHITE STUDENT WHO's BETTER THAN ANY ASIAN ALIVE
Rush Hour 2 opens at number one and I couldn? be bothered to see it. I hate Chris Tucker. That voice makes me homicidal. Besides, I really don't want to patronize the film that's finally responsible for putting Jackie Chan in a wheelchair and that day is coming soon. His doctors keep telling him to stop, but now that he's tasted what American success can bring, he's not stopping now. Still, when it comes to video I'll do what I did with the first one: fast-forward through all of Chris Tucker's scenes. Also, I? really like to see Zhang Ziyi, she of the cutest little lower-lip pout in the world. She needs to avoid this kind of role again, though (she plays Stock Female Asian Role #2: Sexy Assassin). I look at this and think, "Was Lucy Liu not available?" I mean, this is the role she's played for years, usually with an accent and half her clothes off. I? sure they tried to push her on Jackie again, like in Shanghai Noon, but being Asian (and not your average, dumbass, rice-busting White boy), he recognizes that she's hardly pretty (though I dig those freckles), and he wanted some genuinely so in his film. Remember, this man has worked with Maggie Cheung.
AT LEAST IN THE FIRST ONE THEY WERE SMART ENOUGH TO KEEP HER QUIET
Planet of the Apes is down to number two suffering a 69% drop. Not exactly screaming "repeat business" is it? Still, it's probably made its initial expenditure (including prints and advertising) back already, so that's something. My favorite Asian actor (not to be confused with my favorite Black, White and Jewish actors), Cary Hiroyuki-Tagawa gives a great performance as the silverback ape protecting Helena Bonham Carter. Too bad no one knows it's him so he can get something out of it. Still, having a multiracial cast allows you to have a point man for every market. You just know Cary was the man in Japan when this opened, whereas Michael Duncan Clarke was pushing it for all the bruthas and Helena Bonham Carter was there for England. Estella Warren makes every actress who ever struggled for a role vomit by getting a role in one of the biggest films of the summer, simply because she was on the cover of Maxim. It actually echoes the first film, as the woman who played Nova also only got the role because she was pretty (and doing producer Richard Zanuck). Appropriately enough, she gives a performance worthy of that magazine. I? serious. They could?e used a cardboard stand-in for her and you wouldn? have noticed. As an actress, she's a very good synchronized swimmer (she chose modeling over going to the Olympics----moron).
YES, HONEY, EVERY LITTLE GIRL CAN BE A PRINCESS---EXCEPT UGLY ONES
The Princess Diaries opens at number three and this was essentially an excuse to print money for Disney. I have to admit, even I laughed at some of the pratfalls in the commercials. The lead actress, Anne Hathaway, has excellent comic timing. Maybe one day she?l make something I'll actually want to see. I know this is for young girls, but how cruel is it to cast someone as the ugly duckling who is so obviously anything but? God forbid that Heather Matarazzo, who plays her best friend, have been the lead, because no amount of hair and makeup will ever make her pretty. And just what was that makeover supposed to accomplish other than to make her look as generic as humanly possible? I've got a very, very large issue with the straightening of naturally curly hair and I've no issue with women who like to keep their eyebrows. Do you actually think there? a man on this planet who is going to choose not having sex at all versus having sex with a woman with eyebrows? Then what the fuck are you doing it for? We?e sure as hell not doing it for you. In fact the only time men remove body hair is for other men. Either to compete against them (swimming, biking) or attract them (gay men are notoriously nasty about body hair).
I NEED THIS JOB/OH, GOD, I NEED THIS JOB?p>
Jurassic Park III is down to number four and I think the lack of any "name " actors in any of the Jurassic Park films is a result of two things: 1) you can? afford the special effects and stars; 2) anyone with a hint of common sense knows that the monsters are the stars, not you. Only real (Sam Neil, Julianne Moore, William H. Macy) fading (Jeff Goldblum, Laura Dern) and never quite made it (Tea Leoni) actors are willing to accept the lower pay and second billing behind animated lizards for the exposure it can bring.
IMMUNITY
America's Sweethearts is down to number five and what the hell is Hank Azaria that he can keep making movies where he plays Latin stereotypes and gets away with it (have we forgotten the queen he played in The Birdcage)? Anyone else would have been roasted by now. Well, his name does end in a vowel, so maybe he's got a right to. But then, he? get roasted by his own for playing these stereotypes. In my world, however, he can do no wrong. He's one of the primary voices on the Simpsons (Apu, Chief Wiggum, Moe) and for that he's a minor god. Not a major one like Cary Grant, but definitely a minor one, like Phil Hartman.
ADAM'S BAD SCRIPTWRITING WAS THE REAL REASON GOD KICKED THEM OUT
Original Sin opens at number six and I had to force myself to see this. For two days I kept finding better things to do than see it and it justified all my procastinations and its own rescheduling of release dates. It's crap and they knew it was crap the first time they screened it. This release now is just to try and cash in on Tomb Raider, which was no great shakes either. Say it with me, kids, "The Curse of Best Supporting Actress." Hey, it could?e been worse. She could?e gotten a Vanity Fair cover and not even gotten this far. This is a remake of Truffaut's Mississippi Mermaid and as ill-received as the first one was, I can? imagine it was worse than this. At least you know the French didn? pussy out and force a happy ending. And the sex scene is lame. There's better humping going on nightly on Cinemax. Let me put it this way, while it was going on, all I could think about was the fact I could still see one of the tattoos on Angelina Jolie's body. And the scene where she's finger fucked into submission like a puppy getting its belly rubbed, is unintentionally hilarious. Maybe her third husband will help her pick her roles better. The fact that her next film is with Ed Burns should let you know how well it's going to do. But Antonio has Spy Kids (re-releasing this week in a special, bend-the-parents-over-and-fuck-them-out-of-all-their-money edition, no less), so he could give a shit.
ETC.,
Legally Blonde is down to number seven, followed by The Score at number eight and Cats & Dogs at number nine.
NOT SINCE BENJI HAVE WE SEEN SUCH RANGE!
Finally, Dr. Dolittle 2 closes out the top ten at number ten, barely squeaking over the $100M mark. Thankfully, this means Dolittle 3 will join plans for Nutty Professor 3 on the junkpile. Again, Eddie Murphy has Shrek, so he could care less, but you know he's watching how Chris Rock does in Osmosis Jones. Chris Rock is younger (barely) and funnier and essentially does the same schtick in movies: wise ass Black guy. How many can you have?
HEY, LIFE IS HARD WHEN YOU?E STUPID
Mariah's breakdown. Help me wipe this smile off my face. This is actually something that's sad. I shouldn? be making fun of it. Sorry, I can? help myself. Dumb skank! Did you know that the whole waistless jeans thing was started by Mariah's stylist because Mariah didn? want to do sit ups and the waist gave her a fat bulge? Well, it didn? give it to her, just made it more obvious. Sorry, I just have no sympathy for people who so try and deny reality and then can? handle it when it comes crashing in on them. Yes, you?e over! You?e 30 and fat and not getting any younger or thinner. Time to move over to VH1 with the rest of us! There's no shame in it! Plus, there's a lot more money in the long run. Barry Manilow still tours with sold-out shows. You think The Backstreet Boys are going to be like that in 20 years? No way! Two will be dead, one in Europe with a lame dance music career, another on a soap and the last one working at a radio station in the midwest. Time for that album of standards that you present on Oprah as you tell her how you made it through the storm.
P.S. 147 RULES
Another New York teacher was busted having sex with one of her students. Now, when men do it, it's disgusting, but when women do it, it's a Penthouse letter come to life. Yes, it's a double standard. Welcome to the world. Of course I know a woman, who went back to her high school a few years after graduation and seduced the teacher she always wanted. You gotta respect that. Hell, that's a Lifetime Original Movie.
HOPE I DIE BEFORE I GET OLD
I deliberately missed MTV's latest celebration of itself and aside from the fact that I? simply sick of them doing that, it was the musical line-up: people my fucking age and older. What the fuck? Who the hell wants to watch a bunch of has-beens? Billy Idol? Red Hot Chili Peppers? Jane? Addiction? Naughty By Nature? Jesus. To a certain extent I understand the past, because it was a 20-year celebration, but what about now? Where were Britney, Christina, N?ync, the sober Backstreet Boys, Nelly, Incubus and people actually on the fucking charts right now!?! And let's face it: half these fuckers couldn? have made it without videos to push them. And the two people who owe the most to MTV, Michael Jackson and Madonna, were also nowhere to be seen. Now, Madonna's on tour, but the freak has some free time. Hell, Def Leppard's in such bad shape, I? surprised they weren? playing in the parking lot.
YOUR HONOR, I SWEAR I THOUGHT SHE WAS OF AGE. I THOUGHT IT WAS BRITNEY SPEARS!
Speaking of MTV, I see now that the trial's over, Puffy wasted no time in putting himself into the video of the act that's making money for him: Dream. I'll say it again, the taller blonde one is trouble waiting to happen. Any day now she's going to be seen coming out of the hotel room of some rock star twice her age (which in this case would be all of 32). She's just different from the other girls. There but for the grace of god she's not a stripper. She just enjoys shaking her ass for the camera a little too much.
I WAS SO DRUNK I AGREED TO MAKE A MOVIE WITH BRUCE WILLIS
Ben Affleck in alcohol rehab. Well, at least now he can blame some of the choices he's made on the liquor. "I did what with Jerry Bruckheimer!?! Twice!?! Damn that tequila!"
WHO SAYS TV ISN? EDUCATIONAL? I NEVER KNEW HER NAME WASN? REALLY BENATAR.
Pat Benatar on Behind The Music. Finally, one I could really be excited for! I love me some Pat Benatar (though not enough to travel to Brooklyn to see her for free, sorry)! My mom bought me Crimes of Passion when I was a 14! Still, this crap about her being "sexually exploited" is crap. She used it as much as it used her. She was wearing next to nothing long before they started airbrushing her clothes off. And let us not overlook how visibly "excited" she became while performing. Either that or it was very cold every single time she went onstage. Personally, I could never be attracted to her because she looks like my aunt. Very creepy. I was disappointed Holly Knight didn? show up. She was known for writing angry tunes for women, two of which were "Invincible" and "Love Is A Battlefield" (she also wrote "Never" for Heart). More than anyone she could have spoken of a woman's struggle in the world of rock. Nonetheless, to this day, "Heartbreaker" remains my absolute favorite Pat Benatar song. I can? play it while driving, because I just have to start driving really, really fast. But if you want to hear something surprisingly good, find the remix of "Love is A Battlefield" with Queen Latifah rapping. I know, but it's actually pretty good. And why the hell does she want to sing the blues anyway? Like she said, she's a white chick from Long Island who's been rich and famous and happily married for twenty years (they conveniently left out the time they broke up before getting married). What the fuck does she know about suffering? Just sing some more rock tunes because god knows there are no other women doing it (Shirley Manson can? do it all by herself). And before you start bombarding me with The Donnas or Hole or whatever, remember I said "sing." Yeah, actual singing, not that guttural shit.
OOH, BABY, YOU?E SO?RY
Okay. TV ads for lubricant, openly admitting it's about lots of humping? I think the only reason they've sliding under the radar is because they've using middle-aged women. That way, if you attack it, a line of doctors appears to tell you women experience lubrication problems after menopause and what a bastard you are for denying them their sexuality. No one's going to touch the Oprah contingent. These women buy a lot of shit. You don't want to piss them off. I personally prefer Astroglide, the lubricant of the porn industry. Coming in a close second is Wet, which pretty much speaks for itself.
IT? A MARKETING PLOY, DAMNIT, NOT A REAL SERIES!
I know it's early, but the new Star Trek (imaginatively titled Star Trek: Enterprise) is going to suck. Why? Two words, Scott Bakula. He sucks, it will suck. Mark my words.
BIG GAY WARDROBE
That picture of Satan you see up there is actually my big gay shirt. Why "big gay shirt?" Well, I first spotted it on Christopher Street while walking with a bisexual. Can you get more queer than that? Also, it was sitting in the window between "Nobody Knows I? Gay" and "Gay Pride 2001." Not to mention being under the "Gay Billy" collection of dolls. Now, at first I wondered about wearing it, for fear it was emblematic of being gay and sending out the wrong signals. You know, like wearing a tight, ribbed, sleeveless Dolce & Gabbana shirt. You wear that in this town and you?e pretty much assuring us that you?e allergic to seafood. I could really care less, but since I drink in the West Village a lot and will never turn down a free drink from anyone, I really don't want to be accused of false advertising to a six-four queen just getting over a break-up (a gay friend assured me it was not, but can? you just see some muscled Chelsea Boy wearing that in a club?). In any case, my next worry was that they wouldn? have any in straight sizes. Gay mens'sclothing comes in two sizes: tight and nipple-enhancing tight, neither of which I? prepared for (my nipples stand up too much as is). In an odd twist of fate, my fears were justified, but in my favor. The only sizes left were large, as no one looking to cruise his own little Backstreet Boy would be caught dead in anything over a medium. Now all I have to worry about are the Satanists and the Goths. The Satanists I can handle, but those pretentious little Goth fuckers piss me off.
KIDS, IT? NOT "SLIGHTLY PERTURBED" GEEK
Well, it seems that once again my loose lips (or loose fingertips) have pissed off yet another friend (two if you count declining Horrified Hispanic's invitation to go have a margarita---nothing personal, it's just that I like making them at home now with the good shit). Another would-be bad girl no less. It seems that correcting her on the meaning of the lyrics to 10CC's "I? Not In Love" (it's a guy denying he's in love when he really is; not someone calling up after a breakup) was a dealbreaker. This combined with "the incident" of a few weeks ago prompts me to ask DO YOU PEOPLE KNOW WHO THE FUCK YOU?E TALKING TO!?! I mean, how can you read this thing week-in, week-out and be "shocked, shocked" when you find yourselves on the receiving end of my venom, or at least my brusque attitude!?! Do you think you?e special? Well, you?e not! If I? going to make fun of a family funeral, you know you?e going to get it. Sigh. It's typical. You scale Olympus and want to play with the gods, but the first little thunderbolt I casually throw your way and it's screaming all the way back down the mountain. This is why my oldest friends (the other gods) are my best. They take it and they dish it out. No whining, no hissyfits, and definitely no "You?e so mean." Which leads us to...
YOU WON? HAVE DICK NIXON TO KICK AROUND ANYMORE!!!
Well, I hope you enjoyed this week's top ten 'cause it's going to have to last you forever. That's right, this little pony ride is over. Taking that week off made me realize just how much work this little fucker is and quite frankly, I don't care that much. I mean, it's not like I? getting paid for it or anything (and I'm still pissed about apologizing). Too bad too. It's August and the really lame movies are starting to roll out. I mean really lame. If they were any good, they would?e opened sooner. And I still hadn? gotten to my story of the Englishwoman who used me for sex (talk about somebody who didn? need a lubricant) then vanished without a trace. Well, too bad! Go find yourself another pissed off geek to entertain you on Monday mornings. Now the insomniatic dread of my Sunday nights (what can I tell you, the joys of working have long since left me) will return to reading the literal year's backlog of Superman comics I have. Also, I have a nice little powerbook that came equipped with Virtual PC, which allows me to run PC software, most specifically, PC games. The Playstation is gone but I now have access once again to my beloved Command & Conquer. Besides, football season is coming and I? tired of missing games to go to the movies. So, so long and thanks for all the fish. "Yes, it's over/Call it a day/Sorry that it had to end this way/No reason to pretend/We knew it had to end someday/This way?
"Never settle with words what you can accomplish with a flamethrower." --- Bruce Fierstein
MONKEY SEE, MONKEY DOO-DOO
Opening at number one to no one's surprise is Planet of the Apes and man, what a freaking disappointment. Tim Burton can add this to his list of adaptations he's pissed on. First, he pissed on Batman by giving us a Batman with no chin, no muscles, no hair and no plot. Then he pissed on Sleepy Hollow by essentially throwing out the plot and going with the characters and a new story entirely. Then, he tried to piss on Superman by casting butt-fucking-ugly Nicholas Cage's balding ass as Superman and trying to change the costume. Now, he pisses on Planet of the Apes. Why can? he just make his own crap? In a way, my disappointment is my fault. Given his history, it should have been no surprise Tim Burton screwed this up. Like most directors with a unique visual style, he has no regard at all for a good story. Just give him money to shoot pretty pictures and he could care less why. This "adaptation" of Planet of the Apes has the simplest plot you can imagine, with only the stupidest, heavy-handed morality available. Whereas the original series could obviously been seen as treatise on race (guess who the monkeys are?---that? right, the ever-oppressed Swiss), this has no such metaphor going and simply says, "Don? be cruel to animals." Also, when Mark Wahlberg crash lands on the planet, he seems to be the only one who ignored the date reading on his instrument panel which told him he's gone into the future. I saw it. The whole audience saw it, but Mark Wahlberg missed it. There's no real surprise about how the planet came into being. In fact, you? have to an idiot not to figure it out in the first five minutes. The movie is also devoid of any of the tension of the first. In the first, you?e waiting for Charlton Heston to get his voice back and are rewarded with a great scene. You?e waiting to find out what happened to the other astronauts and are rewarded with memorable scenes. Here, Wahlberg escapes with such ease you wonder just how the apes manage to keep humans around to begin with. Unlike the first, where humans may have just been inferior to the apes, here they've obviously intelligent and they speak, which ceases to make Wahlberg? character unique. To his credit, Wahlberg isn? given much of a personality, so the other characters easily dwarf him with theirs. Tim Roth especially does an amazing job as the nasty General Thade. As you know, there's a new "shock ending" totally different from the first. Well, not entirely. It still involves a national monument, but in a way so disjointed and stupid, you practically beg for a "to be continued" to flash onscreen to promise that it will somehow be explained. This tops A.I. for having the dumbest, most useless ending of the summer, and that's saying something. Granted, the first film casts a long shadow, but that doesn? mean you constantly acknowledge it. Both of the film's great lines are here and it's as jarring to hear them as it would have been to hear Charlton Heston say, "Let my people go," in the first. Yes, it's cute, but it also serves to stop this film cold and take you back to a better one.
RETURN TO MONSTER ISLAND
Jurassic Park III is down to number two and the only shock in this movie is the appearance of Laura "The Wronged Woman" Dern. Everything else is by the numbers. People have plan to go to dinosaur island. Plan does not work. Dinos eat people. Only smart dino doctors can save you. Nothing new to speak of here. There are new dinos in this one, though. The pterodactyl, which was in the first book, but not the movie finally shows up and the new dinosaur king, spinosaurous shows up to kick T-rex butt. In fact, the battle for the dinosaur crown (rumble in the jungle?) should have been the grand climax to this film, Unfortunately, it happens a half-an-hour in and is over in seconds. Not to mention the army shows up at one point and they don't even fight any dinosaurs (wanna bet that? Jurassic Park 4, which Spielberg has already planned?). Sam Neil returns since the first film didn? make him the star it was supposed to, but the comic relief of Jeff Goldblum was missing. What, was he too busy trying to save his career with Cats & Dogs? Please. In fact, I wouldn? be surprised if all three leads returned for number four.
CATHERINE ZETA JONES: KEEPING METHOD ACTING ALIVE
America's Sweethearts is down to number three and didn? suck the way I wanted it to. I wanted to hate this. I really, really wanted to hate this, but like Erin Brockovich, there simply isn? much to hate beyond her non-acting performance. It's not bad, just not worth getting angry about. Billy Crystal co-wrote the screenplay and gives himself enough one-liners to consistently make me laugh and forget about whatshername. It's telling that she turned down the Catherine Zeta Jones part to go for the more sympathetic role (which Janene Garafalo was supposedly going to play). See, the other role might have actually called for some acting, though I? quite sure Catherine Zeta-Jones wasn? stretching too much as a bitchy diva either. I? sure the biggest challenge for her was acting like kissing a man whose chin hadn? melted into his neck wasn? weird. The oft-mentioned fat suit is barely here and is easily one of the more tasteless and offensive jokes in recent years, because there's no way anyone could ever be fat and live happily ever after, right? Only the thin get happiness, so if you?e fat, just go lay down in traffic and end your suffering. And John Cusack may not be as first class a sell-out as Nicholas Cage, but Cage never bragged about not making mainstream crap like this. Cusack did. He was especially proud of turning down Indecent Proposal, with the then highest paid actress, Demi Moore. He talked the talk, but it seems he got a financial cramp trying to walk the walk. Artistic integrity doesn? get you a house in the hills, but movies with Big Mouth do.
NO TRUMPET OF THE SWAN II EITHER!
Legally Blonde is down to number four and Reese Witherspoon's long-delayed ascension to the A-list has finally occurred so don't look for her in Little Nicky II. I? indifferent, but I have a buddy who adores her. Her nude scene in Twilight made his day. I suppose it? victory of sorts given her?nconventional beauty. Not to mention she? only a few doughnuts shy of being a truly "full-figured" girl. Come on. Who are we kidding? She? not keeping Kate Hudson or Kirstin Dunst awake at night. But the real question is what will this do to her husband, mush-mouthed pretty boy Ryan Philippe? Is he the new Dennis Quaid, to fade while his wife? star ascends. Hopefully, he?l play the role he was born to play in the X-Men sequel. Let? face it: no one can play Angel but this guy.
ETC.,
The Score is down to number five, followed by Cats and Dogs at number six and Dr. Dolittle 2 at number seven.
THE FAST AND THE SLIGHTLY IRRITATED JUST DOESN? WORK
The Fast & The Furious is down to number eight and just where does "furious" actually come into play? Fast is obvious, but furious? No one is particularly mad in the film, but damn, it is catchy.
DRAGGING ITSELF OVER THE FINISH LINE
Scary Movie 2 closes out the top ten at number ten and while this is a disappointment, it still cost so little that it? going to turn a profit. Harvey Weinstein? deal with the devil must be very impressive. I? thinking the souls of his children and his grandchildren.
LITTLE BALLS? MEAT DARLINGS?
Not breaking the top ten is Hot, Wet American Summer, a spoof of 80? summer camp sex comedies. Excuse me, but just how many were there? I can think of Meatballs, Little Darlings and a movie called Summer Camp. Three movies hardly makes a genre and this movie reflects those limitations. It? five minutes of genuine laughs squeezed into ninety minutes and does it ever hurt. This comes from the comedy troupe, The State, who briefly had a show on MTV and then CBS. If you remember them, then you remember that they sucked. In fact, the most memorable thing about this movie is that it has a slightly graphic male sodomy scene, which is funny in its context (his friends are wondering how to get him a girl while it? going on), but hardly enough to carry a movie. And what? going through Janene Garafalo? head? Why is losing weight and making bad films for a lot of money somehow worse than not losing weight and making bad films for no money? As much as I rip on the path Nicholas Cage and John Cusack have taken, at least they've being compensated on some level. It? not like she? making Memento on a regular basis. In fact, I can? remember the last good thing I saw her in.
GEEK LIFE, BUT NOT THE FUN KIND
Also not breaking the top ten anytime soon is Ghost World, an adaptation of a comic book but not your traditional muscled guys in spandex beating the crap out of each other while never dating type of comic book (which I love), but one of your "alterna-comics" which were formerly known as "underground." They are essentially about unattractive, oddball people commenting wryly on the world and how miserable they are in it. You know the people who read it: they have their dyed black hair, Doc Martens, thrift store clothing and numerous buttons featuring their favorite punk bands. In short, they look just like the characters they've reading about. Now, I have no interest in this shit. Why the hell would I want to read a comic book about the ordinary world and the misery in it? I might as well keep a fucking diary and read it every night. In any case, this movie has gotten a lot of praise for its depiction of an unhappy, unhip adolescence. Yeah, and? What? so goddamn great about that!?! I had one and I wouldn? inflict the days before sex, fashion sense and semi-physical fitness on anyone. You see, most critics are geeks and they see their loser selves onscreen in this, which is why they love it so goddamn much. They fail to see a lot of this misery is self-inflicted. I'll admit it has moments (Steve Buscemi geeking out on a potential date was painful, but funny as hell), but again, it? just too long. "Character- driven" movies essentially mean "no plot" and you just watch a bunch of people live their lives. Great if you like them, but hell if you don't. In a way, it can be seen as a female companion to Rushmore, with Thora Birch (proving that for normal people, the price of large breasts is a large everything else) as an outcast teen who also finds a mirror image of sorts in a middle-aged man, played by the ever odd-looking Steve Buscemi. The difference is that Rushmore was very funny on top of any depiction of pathos and alienation (and there was no romantic tension with Bill Murray). This simply doesn? have enough humor to balance out its would-be pain. Also, Max was a character who tried to have some impact on his world, rather than simply suffer through it. Enid (Thora Birch? character) seems content to just try to stay out of its way, only ripping on it when it won? leave her alone. Teri Garr is also in this and when did she get so old? Sigh, you know you?e old when women you once thought of as hot, look like hags. Seeing my favorite porn star, Veronica Hart, look awful on Six Feet Under (playing a porn star, of course) didn? help matters much either.
FINAL JUDGEMENT ON THE MISTS OF AVALON
It sucked. It sucked so badly it should have been arrested for solicitation.
SUCKS IN THE CITY
Okay, let? get into the lame year of Sex & The City so far. It hasn? been this bad since the first few episodes of the first season (you may not remember, but I do). I thought the departure of Darren Star and the controls of the show being handed over to women might improve it. After all, there were many times I felt I was watching a show about four gay guys in drag rather than four women. On that level it actually has improved and also the character of Charlotte has been expanded and matured. Unfortunately, it seems to have been at the expense of everyone else. Samantha? character inexplicably launched into a relationship with a woman, something her character would never, ever do. Miranda, formerly my bitter favorite, has been dumped upon relentlessly, from a dead mother to being paralyzed naked on the floor of her own home. And now her loser boyfriend is back with only one ball (again, someone her character never would have dated to begin with). Finally, Sarah Jessica Parker? character has been made simply unlikable to any degree. I guess you could say she was always annoying (there? nothing worse than a high-maintenance person who doesn? think they've high maintenance), but just when you think it hit rock bottom with the affair with Mr. Big, it started tunneling this year with her improbable resumption of the romance with Adian. They?e turned her into one of the most annoying, needy creatures on television and a simple guy like that would never date someone like her once, much less again after her betrayal. Last night? episode where she forces Adian to be nice to Mr. Big (when are they going to stop this shit and give the man a name?), the man she was fucking on the side, was ridiculous. For that to actually happen she? have to be rich, bisexual, double-jointed and much, much better looking. And don't get me started on those ugly fucking clothes. Again, she didn? dress this badly to begin with. When the show hit the national consciousness, it suddenly gave Patricia Field and license to indulge her every whim. This is only making me happier that the first two seasons are on DVD (and I have the third on tape).
CHASING AMY, THE STORY CONTINUES
For the first time ever, Chasing Amy allowed me to feel like a man. I installed her air conditioner. My friend remarked that if she were straight, not only would I have installed the air conditioner but I would've had to pay for dinner too. This is the same sensitive bastard who told me to repackage the vibrator. How he managed to get married before me I'll never know. Oh, and did I mention she broke up with her girlfriend so now I'm like a doctor on call? Yeah, At any moment I could receive a call and have to be at the nearest bar for drunken commiseration, stat! Suddenly, I've gone from "ho?on the side" to "buddy." So much for moving up the ladder . I think my willingness to be the thing on the side has cost me respect. After all, you don't let the skanks meet mom. Fine. Just remember: you can? spell "housewife" without "ho."
TOOT-TOOT, YEAH, BEEP-BEEP
I've always known I've been a magnet for crazy women, but it's only recently that I've noticed the Bad Girls surrounding me. This came up in discussion with one of those bad girls in question. She? a graduate from the school of "If That Was Your Boyfriend, Then He Wasn? Last Night?r Last Week When He Said He Was Golfing?r Last Month When He Was Out On A Business Lunch...And That Funny Taste In His Mouth Was Me." I then took a good look around to see if I knew any good girls, girls who respected someone else? relationship, despite the amount of alcohol consumed and realized that fucking your boss or someone old enough to be your father (especially if he? one of your father? friends) wasn? exactly kosher. Sadly, I came up short. In fact, I just had one good girl suddenly go bad on me (honey, he? engaged---what are you doing?). In fact, I think the only good girl I know is the housewife---and she introduced me to all-girl porn! Another Bad Girl once told me the difference between a good girl and a bad girl is merely discretion. I disagree. That? a rationalization for the "it? only cheating if you get caught" people. A good girl can never have a videotape or angry ex-lovers surface one day during her husband? senate campaign. A bad girl doesn? have that reassurance. I think they come to me because I? essentially a good boy. Granted, I've evil in my heart, mind, soul, shoes, socks, armpits, etc., but I never act on it. I? too lazy. That makes me defacto good. Bad Girls are comforted by the evil within because they feel I won? judge them and that my defacto goodness will somehow cleanse them. I will and it won?, but why destroy their illusions? Actually, I? more good in a classic Greek god sense. I? Zeus on Olympus and the rest of you are monkeys in the mud. It? right because I say it? right, even though it looks wrong to you. It? an arbitrary standard that moves with me. Say I turn into an animal and seduce some man? wife or daughter. It? okay because that child will be a hero and will save lives. If you do it, you?e scum.
AND I HATE THE SMELL OF PATCHOULI TOO!
I dislike working out for many reasons. Laziness is the prime reason, but somewhere down the list is gay men (straight men and the way they stink is further up). Sorry, but I have had enough of the hard-bodied, sweet-smelling Chelsea Boys, with their short, moussed hair and barbed wire tattoos over their biceps (hello, can we get a new look!?!). Straight guys work out too, but they aren? nearly as annoying because they tend to look like shit. Not only do we believe working out excuses eating pounds of cheese fries, but we?e also not going to be proportionate. Straight guys work upper body too much and forget legs. Also, if we?e short, we try to compensate by going wide, which is simply stupid (they look like those little refrigerators we all had in college). Finally, a straight guy? work out clothes are hardly color-coordinated, not to mention properly fucking accessorized with a matching discman! So thank you, Madonna, for clearing out my locker room over the last week. I walked in and found the place delightfully deserted (my gym is in the theater district , if you want to guess just how gay it is). You could almost say it was a?Holiday/Celebrate/If we took a holiday?
LAZY, EATING DOUGHNUTS AND STILL BETTER THAN YOU!
Just to fuck with you, let me tell of a unique metabolic event that recently occurred to me. Before I went home for my uncle? funeral, I had a cold, which I used as an excuse not to work out for a week. While home I ate only the worst foods (chocolate covered glazed doughnuts, ice cream, many foods flavored with pork), literally making myself sick by the end of the week with their toxic nature. The end result? I lost five pounds. I came home, still didn? work out and with one minor alteration in my eating habits (when it starts to hurt, stop eating), it? remained off. HA! So eat your tofu, eat your salads and take your spin classes. I'll be at Krispy Kreme before stopping off at Bacon Town.
THE WISDOM OF FERRIS BUELLER
"Cameron? going to marry the first girl he lays and she? going to treat him like shit, because you can? respect someone who kisses your ass. You just can?." The best thing to come out of Ferris Bueller? Day off was that simple bit of human wisdom. And this is what I believe is the reason behind Wyclef Jean? failure to have the same solo success as Lauryn Hill (not to mention his songs usually suck). Acts he? associated with make it (Destiny? Child, City High), but not him and he? desperate for it. Unfortunately, people can smell it and it? a turn-off. And he?l do anything too. Why else would The Rock have been on the last album? Hell, the Power Puff Girls will probably be on the next one. This made our annual summer corporate outing even harder to deal with. He was there pushing the lame-ass group The Product B&G, who did the singing on Santana? "Maria, Maria" which he co-wrote. It? a lousy song and didn? get any better live. I walked out in the middle of it (I wouldn? have been there to begin with had I not been misled into thinking it was mandatory) and went to work out. That? how bad it was. I wold rather work out than listen to it, despite free food and booze (well, that and the booze left something to be desired---three cups of the lame sangria and I still had no buzz) . Now why was he there in the first place? I? sure it was a corporate favor of some sort, but that only proves how unsuccessful he? been. You think Lauryn Hill turned up at any lame summer function? Hell, no. See, when you?e really on top, they can? even ask. When you?e not, you don't have much choice.
IF YOU DON? MIND, I? RATHER NOT SHARE A GLASS WITH YOU
Recently in an interview, Hugh Jackman said that he? slept with 750 women. 750!?! I don't think I've even met 750 women in my life, not to mention 750 I? want to sleep with. Now, I've no doubt he did what he says he did, but why in god? name would you tell anyone? Especially, now that you?e married and have a child. You think your wife (a.k.a., #751) appreciates the world knowing she married a walking germ factory!?! And if he? at 750, you know Russell Crowe is over a thousand, easy. If you doubt this isn? possible, let? do the math (gay men can skip this because they already know how easy it is): now, he? tall and good-looking and let? say this kicked in around 16 or 17. Let? say a steady girlfriend a year until the end of high school and we?e conservatively at a total of 3 or 4. Now, he goes to college, where he majors in theater and if you know anything about actors, you know this is when it started to flow. For them, every job is like being on vacation, because it? a temporary surrounding with people you may never see again (and we know how people sleep around on vacation). Add the general promiscuity already present in higher education and his life was now bootylicious. We?e talking at least 10 girls a semester and another 5 over the summer---every freaking year! Hard for you or I, but when you look like him, very easy. Add a few "group gatherings" during a girlfriend? sexual experimentation phase and by the time he graduated, the number was easily over 100. Now, take almost a decade of doing television and theater---especially road shows, which are essentially rolling orgies, not even counting the local girls bagged in every town---and he? actually being conservative at 750.
YOU'RE SUPPOSED TO BE LESS SKANKY AS YOU GET OLDER, NOT MORE
Mariah Carey's in the hospital for "exhaustion." Yeah, it's hard work looking like a whore when you?e over 30. And how bad is Mira Sorvino's career that she's making movies with Mariah Carey? The curse of Best Supporting Actress continues. If you don't believe me, ask Geena Davis (The Accidental Tourist).
IT'S FRENCH FOR "NASTY THING INVOLVING YOUR HOT FRIEND"
I hate to admit it, but the Miller "Never Miss A Genuine Opportunity" ads are pretty funny. My favorite is the one with the two girls and the good-looking gay guy, but coming in a close second is the menage a trois ad, where the guy starts dimming the lights and making out with his girlfriend, only to realize her roommate is home. He then gets three beers to try and make something else happen. I'm sorry, that's just so in tune with a scumbag's mindset, that I have to like it. In fact, I can't even believe it was made. Now, here's the question: if it were a woman trying to get two hot guys to do her, would it have even left the discussion stage? Probably not. No, it's more than just sexism. It's more that you don't have to get a guy drunk to get him to do deviate sexual acts. Why, I remember once behind a church...
TOOT-TOOT, BEEP-BEEP, PT 2
Yes, that's Jane Weidlin in the photo. It seems she was recently on the cover of Fetish Magazine for a pictorial inside. Why? Well, aside from helping to promote the Go-Go? new album (a one-two punch with Belinda? Playboy shoot), Jane? into domination and fetish wear. Not to mention the usual collection of vinyl and rubber goods. Her waist is a 24" but she wants to get it down to 20" in a corset. I can? tell you how happy this makes me. It? one thing for some average girl to get wrong, but there? something special about a cute girl who wants to get freaky. An ugly girl has to. If she doesn?, no one will fuck her, but a cute girl actually has a choice. She can just lay there and you'll still want to sleep with her. But in this instance, she? actually choosing to put on the thigh-high stiletto boots. This leads me to believe that a cheerleader outfit would hardly be an issue for her.
THE GOOD STUFF
So it appears that the tequila we all think is great (Cuervo Gold) is actually on the low end of the scale. The really good tequila is upwards of $50-60 a bottle. Needless to say, I bought some. Now, I just need a special occasion. Hmm, Tuesday is a special occasion, right? Yeah, Tuesday. And Wednesday is comic book day and that? pretty special to me. Thursday is Will & Grace night, so that? special. Friday goes without saying?
"The good thing about masturbation is that you don't have to dress up for it." --- Truman Capote
Legally Blonde opens surprisingly well at number one. At a cost of $18M and probably no more than$10M on prints and advertising, this will be turning a profit PDQ. This is essentially Clueless Goes to Harvard, but is that really so bad? Surprisingly, despite being movie making 101---Fish Out of Water in this case--- it? not the long, boring clich?, say, Pearl Harbor was and a good deal of this has to do with Reese Witherspoon. Like Clueless, the key to this movie? success rests solely on the likability of its leading lady. If you like her, you'll like this. If not, bring a pillow because nothing really new is going to be shown onscreen. Oddly enough, her casting conflicts somewhat with the script. Sorry, but while she? far from ugly, the character she? playing was obviously meant to be more glamazon than girl next door. More than once is reference made in the script to how amazing she? supposed to be and how big her breasts are and frankly, neither one of those concepts is going on here. You can tell that the writer envisioned someone more along the lines of a Heather Graham for this, but they strangely opted for someone more talented and likable (why do so many people hate Heather Graham anyway?). Luke Wilson continues his career path of "boy supporting blonde" roles with this (Cameron Diaz in Charlie? Angels, Drew Barrymore in Home Fries and now this). He and Freddie Prinze Jr., are neck and neck for using a naturally confused and pained look to pass for acting.
ME 1, MOVIE 0
It's the score, get it? The Score? Sigh. In any case, I'll never see The Score (opening at number two) because of my oft-mentioned hatred of caper flicks. Honestly, how many times can you watch guys in black outfits with all their little, ingenious "break-in" toys sneak into a building? They always make it, so what? the point? I don't care about the planning; I sure as hell don't care about the execution, so let? start at the end and get on with the betrayals. Besides, I? becoming convinced that neither Marlon Brando nor Robert DeNiro will ever make a good movie again, so if they've both in this, then it must truly suck (and you know DeNiro only took the job so he could get paid to kiss Angela Bassett, so bad is his "jungle fever"). Ed Norton seems to be destined to join their group early in his career. Even Nicholas Cage waited until he got his Oscar before totally selling out. Yeah, I know it? gotten decent reviews, but only because of the actors. It? pretty much acknowledged that without them it? another lousy caper flick.
YOU KNOW, YOU CAN ALSO USE COMPUTERS TO WRITE SCRIPTS
Down to number three this week is Cats & Dogs, followed by Final Fantasy: The Spirits Within, at number four, giving us a one-two punch of technology without a brain and Alec Baldwin heard, but not seen (and given how fat he? getting, that might be a good thing). This is bad news for Sony, as FF cost $115 to make and they built an animation factory to make it. It? gonna take a lot of Playstation 2 sales to make up for this. That aside let me join the chorus and say Final Fantasy looks great. In fact, it looks so good that I didn? dwell on the animation and started looking at the characters and the story. That? where the fun ends. The problem is this is too Japanese. That is to say, we like our science fiction a bit colder here in the US. If you?e ever seen any anime (a.k.a., Japanese Animation) you know that spirituality is a heavy part of it. Many a movie filled with space pirates and robots winds up being more about the power of the soul than anything else and this movie is no exception. The "spirits within" are literal. Aliens have decimated earth in the future and it seems the only thing that can stop them is a combination of eight spirits, which are linked to the spirit of Gaea (Mother Earth). Can you say, "lame?" It? not going to be big space guns and guys in cool armor that save the world in a massive battle (this movie has the former, but lacks the latter; another no-no in America). No, our salvation will come from the combined spirits of a plant, a sparrow, a dog, a little girl, some fungus?igh. Who gives a shit? And then there? the fact that the male lead character seems to have been based on Ben Affleck. Do you know how weird it is to hear Alec Baldwin? voice coming out of Ben Affleck? mouth? It? like some weird melding of Jack Ryans (Ben Affleck is now playing the character Baldwin played in The Hunt For Red October). Hearing Ming Na-Wen? voice coming out of character seemingly based on Bridget Fonda was only a third in weirdness (second was Steve Buscemi? voice coming out of an attractive male character). I got so tired of this movie at one point, that I wished they? stop it and run the amazing Spider-man (that? a pun) trailer that ran before it. It almost gives me hope it might be a good movie.
ETC.,
Scary Movie 2 is down to number five followed by The Fast & The Furious at number six, and do you think the ad budget for Paul "Pretty Boy" Walker? next movie (Joyride, where he? nekkid) just might be kicked up a bit? Yeah, I think so too.
EVIL CREEPS IN THE NIGHT
And Dr. Dolittle 2 continues to quietly advance towards a $100M box office. Who? seeing this!?! Shouldn? Cats & Dogs have stolen this entire audience?
THE PERFECT WOMAN?
Kiss of the Dragon is down to number eight and in a sad, cynical statement about how little she cares for this movie, Bridget Fonda revealed that she didn? actually read the script until the first day of shooting. Actually, I can? really blame her. A nice paycheck, a free trip to Paris and the real work is going to be done by someone else. The producer is Luc Besson, who was the man behind La Femme Nikita. This suggests that her casting as a junkie whore may have actually been retaliation for Point of No Return, the horrible American remake. Nonetheless, I still love Bridget Fonda more than ever. Much to my surprise and delight, she was talking about comic books and cursing on Late Night With Craig Kilborn. Oh, man. Talk about getting a geek woody. Next, we?l find out she likes porn. What? She talks about watching porn in her hotel room in the June issue of Ocean Drive? Mama, I think I found that girl.
OH, LET ME BE/OH, LET ME BE/YOUR TEDDY BEAR
A.I., is down to number eight (heh-heh-heh, Speilberg fails) and Teddy was the best thing about this movie. Teddy is the walking, talking highly intelligent teddy bear that accompanies Robotboy throughout all his travels. He? essentially the Jiminy Cricket character, though with a lot less annoyance and a really, really creepy deep voice. If the movie had been more about him, maybe I would have liked it more.
IT COULD BE WORSE; YOU COULD BE BEST NEW ARTIST
Lara Croft: Tomb Raider closes out the top ten at number ten and judging from this load of crap and what will undoubtedly be the crapfest of Original Sin (her, Antonio Banderas and an army of make up artists and digital technicians trying to hide her tattoos), I feel the curse of Best Supporting Actress has kicked in. Give my love to Mira Sorvino (reduced to making movies with Mariah Carey) and Marissa Tomei!
DUMBFELLAS
Not breaking the top ten, but signaling my first art film since Memento, is Made, with Vince Vaughn and Jon Favreau, reuniting for the first time since Swingers. Jon Favreau is to Vince Vaughn what Matt Damon is to Ben Affleck: a shorter (Favreau is a mere 6’ to Vaughn’s 6’4”), uglier guy who makes you look better than you really are. Made is the latest variation on the Mean Streets dynamic of two low-level mob guys, one good, the other, a total fuck-up with a big mouth. This time, however, it’s played for laughs with the pair as low-level guys from L.A., trying to complete their first major job in New York. Unfortunately, Vince Vaughn plays the role of the fuck up too well. I hated him so much, I couldn’t enjoy the little pleasures this film had to offer. In fact, he was so goddamn annoying, I almost walked out. I’m not kidding. What kept me there was the knowledge that Drea DeMatteo was in it. I was well rewarded for my patience, for not only did she show up, but with Jennifer Esposito along with her (thank you, god)! Unfortunately, they were gone as quick as they came and without removing a single stitch of clothing (there is no god). And I really, really hate to admit this, but Puffy Daddy, a.k.a., P. Diddy, a.k.a., Sean Combs was actually good as the New York gangster they report to on the job. Special guest cameo by Screech. Again, I’m not kidding.
KILL ‘EM ALL!
Wow, so the people that go the Hamptons are nasty assholes. Gee, what a surprise. And here I thought the cure for cancer was going to be discovered on the jitney any day now. I’m actually disappointed she didn’t kill anyone when she tried to run the bouncers over with her MERCEDES SUV! That way there’d a few less assholes to return to the city on Monday, not to mention keeping her ugly ass locked up for the next fifty years. And now people are “shocked, shocked” to find out that the people who summer on Long Island treat the working class inhabitants like shit. Guess what? Water? It’s wet. And the sky? It’s blue.
THE WAGES OF SKANKDOM
I know I said the whole Chandra Levy thing doesn’t interest me and it doesn’t, mainly because I have a hard time feeling sorry for anyone sleeping with someone else’s spouse (and again, everyone involved is ugly). Granted, I don’t think infidelity should be punishable by death (there are worse things and I will inflict them all on you, should you do it to me), but it’s not like we’re talking about an innocent member of Mensa here. I don’t want her dead, but between me and The Condits, I think I’m the only one. Let this be a warning to all the other skanks out there. Everyone can’t be Monica Lewinsky (whom I would’ve had killed, had I been president) and have a career out of once boinking a politician.
MY BOOBS AREN’T REAL/OH, MY BOOBS AREN’T REAL
Now, since some of you aren’t very quick with these headlines, that’s a play on “Our Lips Are Sealed.” Why? Well, since Playboy has finally given up on me and stopped sending me their magazine of surgically augmented blondes, I had to go to a newsstand to see the pictures of Belinda Carlisle. Not bad for a fortysomething-former-drug-addict-married-to-a-Republican mother. I’ll forgive her the fake tits. Yes, after kicking a coke habit, having kids and turning forty, you can get fake boobs if you want ‘em. Combine the toll childbearing and excessive weight gains and losses must have taken on her body and it’s a miracle she looks as good as she does (yes, I know the stretch marks were airbrushed out). Now, she should have posed nude when she did that solo album and she looked like a young Tuesday Weld (remember her?). And Jane Weidlin can always get nekkid for me. She looked good then, she looks good now. Still, none of this will sell that new Go-Go’s album.
I NEVER THOUGHT I’D HEAR YOU SAY/THAT BOY BAND IS IN AA…
So, the very ugly, extremely bald Backstreet Boy (to distinguish him from the others, who are merely ugly and bald) is in rehab for depression and alcohol. Finally, the end to all this is here! Next, someone’s going to be outed, then a suicide attempt and then get ready for that Behind The Music episode! Still, I can’t enjoy this as much as I want because it suggests he has some self-awareness as to how meaningless his entire life truly is and that he’s merely a component in a pre-fabricated music machine. It’s much more fun when they’re totally delusion and think they’re actual “artists” and then they crash. It seems this idiot finally realized that screaming out “Backstreet’s back” to an increasingly dwindling audience of girls he can’t sleep with is a pretty fucked up way for someone who’s almost 30 to be making a living. I guess this means N’Sync wins the battle of the boy bands, because 98 Degrees is doing hair care commercials to pay the rent and everyone else never went beyond one hit.
ONE MAN’S PLEASURE IS ANOTHER MAN’S BRUTAL ASSUALT
Okay, let me get this straight: if I let you shove a plunger up my ass, then stick it in my mouth, knocking out my two front teeth, you’ll give me $8.7M? Hmmm. So, do you want to do it here or back at your place? You realize it’s more if you want to videotape it, right? Okay, I’m not trying to diminish this man’s pain, but nine million!?! Does this mean if they’d used a toilet brush it would have been $4.5M? People, that nine million isn’t coming from some magical policeman’s pot of gold (well, $2.7M is). That’s tax dollars paying him off. Not to mention it’s an insult to all the hardworking porn stars who do much more disgusting acts for a fraction of that. Wouldn’t this money be better of used to hire better cops to prevent a reoccurrence? Who knows what the next one may do? “Hey, bring me that Hoovermatic 2000. I’ve think he’s got drugs in his colon.” That’s $20M for sure.
ANGRYGEEK, WHERE IS THY STING?
When Truman Capote published Unanswered Prayers, he promptly lost all his rich friends because all the stories were obviously about them. He was heartbroken and didn’t understand, because he thought they knew that’s what he did. Groucho Marx wound up alone at the end of his life because he refused to let feelings get in the way of the gag, even if it drove away numerous wives and all his children. These were real men. Me, I’m a pussy because I have to apologize (also, I’m not getting paid, so I can’t afford to alienate anyone who might pay for drinks). First off, no “horrified Latina” called me about the vibrator poll. It was a “Horrified Hispanic.” I’m sorry I dared confuse the two. Apparently, there’s more going on with that Jennifer Lopez/Salma Hayek feud that any non-Spanish speaking people understand, so let me just back out of it altogether. In the future, I will try not to confuse the native peoples of The Americas who were conquered and enslaved by Spain and forced to learn Spanish and become Catholic. Secondly, apparently joking about the mob when you’re not Italian in the Tri-State area is like saying “nigga” when you’re not Black (though Chasing Amy, who is Italian and from Brooklyn, thought it was hysterical). It’s just not done, so to the woman who is not Meadow Soprano, I’m sorry for that (not to mention that Tony Soprano picture) and mocking your tales of decadent youth. I’m sure it was fun, but let me tell you something; until you’ve spent the best part of your youth in the marching band (where our chastity fueled our music) you don’t know from fun. And let this be a warning to the rest of you: if you tell me something, don’t be surprised to see mercilessly mocked here! It’s all grist for the mill, kids. I am the scorpion on the frog and halfway across the river we’re going down, baby, ‘cause I gotta be me!
I ALWAYS PREFERRED MARY ANN TO GINGER
However, I won’t apologize for the redhead thing. I’ve suffered mightily and earned the right to be paranoid and bitter. The Young Woman who taught me all I know of N’Sync and Britney asked me just what redheads have taken from me. Hmmm. My virginity rings a bell. Not to mention my sanity and overall sense of well-being. I mean look at me! I’m apologizing like a pussy (I should change this to wussboy.com). Yet another redhead has turned me into a little bitch. Think this would have happened with a blonde? A brunette? No! And this is going to cost me with my boys (my brother is dialing the phone to mock me right now). I’m no longer “down.” I’m not a “G.” I’ve lost their respect with this mea culpa. I can hear them now: “You ain’t bad! You ain’t nuthin’! You ain’t nuthin’!” And then we dance in the subway. “Your butt is mine…”
I ALSO ACCEPT PAYPAL
Speaking of apologies and their after-effects, look for my balls on ebay. I’m auctioning them off since I obviously have no use for them. They’re small and hairless, since only Real Men (like Truman Capote) have big hairy ones! Just for this, you get no top ten next week. That’s right. You don’t get to hear about one of my crackhead relatives who stole a side of ribs to sell for drugs (only in Alabama could you sell meat for drugs anyway. Apparently there’s some dealer/butcher who can accurately make these judgements: “Let’s see, ten pounds of grade-A beef gets you a gram.”). No, I’ll be too busy apologizing to everyone I might have offended in my life to do a top ten. Yeah, so go see what that fat bastard Roger Ebert has to say about Jurassic Park 3 the latest Julia Roberts dungheap, America’s Sweethearts (hey, she’s a redhead I’ve offended, maybe I should apologize to her too). I bet he won’t hurt anyone’s feelings. Okay, let’s see, I once called my 6th grade teacher a “screwy bitch,” so I guess I need to track her down, and then in 7th grade we made Tyler cry by saying his hair was nappy, then in 8th grade…
I LOVE TV
Sex & The City went to my favorite (and only) Macintosh repair shop, Tekserve. Again, my geek interests converge. Last year she went to St. Mark’s Comics. I guess this means next she’ll be buying DVD’s
IN SHORT THERE’S SIMPLY NOT/A MORE CONVIENENT SPOT/FOR HAPPILY-EVER-AFTERING...
Finally, I read The Mists of Avalon when I was 17 and in full throttle of my Arthurian phase (Excalibur set it off) and I’ve waited 17 years for them to make a movie of it. I know the first part aired last night, and I’m trying to wait for the conclusion before I weigh in on it, but I’m already annoyed by some things I’ve seen. Granted, I haven’t read the book in 17 years, but I don’t remember a nice Uther. One thing I do remember is Arthur and Morgaine actually discovering each other’s identities during the ceremony and he falls apart and it’s Morgaine who comforts him. This is important, because it makes it a trilogy of instances in Arthur’s life where she does that for him (a traditional literary device). The first occurs as a child, the second as a young man, and the third on his deathbed (please, who the fuck doesn’t know how the legend of King Arthur ends?). And they’re trying to make Guinivere more sympathetic. Please. Marion Zimmer Bradley had no love of her in the book and even the books that try to give her an even shake (Firelord and Beloved Exile, by Parke Godwin, shows her as a real political dealing queen) can’t change the fact that she betrays the best king in the world and destroys Camelot. There have even been books were Mordred was made sympathetic as a victim of circumstance (Mary Stewart’s four volume telling of Camelot has Mordred as Arthur’s advisor and legal heir, who becomes king when Arthur is thought dead and is forced to fight him to defend the new treaties he had to create upon ascending the throne), but nothing can hide the fact that Guinivere is a ho’. A dumb ho’. In any case, it’s still a damn sight better than First Knight with Richard Gere. Man, did that ever suck.
“Some men flee from temptation, but others just crawl away from it, hoping it will overtake them.” --- Anonymous
I HATE PUSSY
I have to admit I’m surprised that Cats & Dogs opened at number one. I knew it would do well, but not this well. Actually, I’m surprised it didn’t make more money after five days, but still surprised it opened at number one. Like Shrek, it’s amusing, but you don’t see anything funnier that what appears in the commercials and the trailers. If that’s not funny enough for you, then you’ll be disappointed. The primary flaw of both this and Shrek is the lack of imagination on part of the writers. Obviously present in the digital presentation, it was short-changed in the writing. One look at the Toy Story movies and A Bug’s Life and you see why Disney remains on top (damn, why do I have to keep saying that?). There’s almost a joke a minute, many coming out of left field. In Cats & Dogs, the writers seemed to think that a secret war between the two was enough. Truly imaginative jokes are few and far between. Secondly---and it also kills me to say this---the fact that the Cats are made the obvious bad guys is a problem. Granted, cats are evil (and if you don’t like it, you can all line up and suck my geeky dick), but the movie soars only when cats are shown as equal adversaries of the dogs, as in the Ninja cats and the deadly kitten known as “The Russian” (he coughs up weapons hidden in hairballs). A better film would have had both sides demonstrating equal rights to be top household pet, with ruthless jokes about the other’s flaws (a dogs’ willingness to love damn near anyone; a cat’s selfishness), but no one seemed to want to make that film. Oh, and remember what I said about doing kids’ movies as either the act of someone very comfortably on top or the desperate trying to hang on? Check out the voices of the animals: Alec Baldwin, Susan Sarandon, Toby Maguire (Michael J. Fox was obviously busy), Jon Lovitz, Joe Pantoliano, Michael Duncan Clarke, Charlton Heston. Now, who’s there for fun and who needed a hit? And you can’t use Jeff Goldblum. That’s way too easy.
UH, KEENAN, WHAT’S MY MOTIVATION FOR WHEN HE BLOWS HIS LOAD ON ME?
Scary Movie 2 opens at number two and this is what I expected to be number one. It’s a sequel to a $100M movie, the only thing out this week for teenagers and it has a funny ad campaign. If you doubted the teen horror thing was coming to an end, this is your proof. Like Cats & Dogs, this suffers horribly from an imagination deficit. In first five minutes, you get not one, but two overly long and unfunny potty jokes. In fact, the biggest laugh I got was imagining what it would have been like had Marlon Brando remained in the film and did the diarrhea joke that James Wood did. There’s a joke about Chris Elliot having a deformed hand that’s not funny to begin with, much less the next fifteen minutes they pursue it and it’s only a ninety minute film! And every cheap sex joke possible is used, including repeating ones used in the first film (Anna Faris had better make some damn good movies to overcome being drenched with sperm in two films). This is such an obvious cut and run to get the money effort that it’s painful to watch. Harvey Weinstein is evil, pure and simple. There was not supposed to be a sequel to this, but he wanted one. On a lighter note, this will join her looks as yet another road block in Tori Spelling’s attempt to have a career outside of what her father is willing to pay for. Sorry, honey, but Sarah Jessica Parker’s success is based somewhat on actual acting talent. Otherwise, there is such a thing as being too ugly.
I HOPE HE KEPT THE RECEIPT
A.I., is down to number three and my heart warms at Spielberg’s failure. Not that he cares. Jurassic Park III will more than pay for this. I know it’s a minor geek thing and has nothing to do with what this story is about (Spielberg’s unnatural love for his mother), but if New York is underwater thanks to global warming, then how the hell does New Jersey escape the way it does in this movie? Did they see New York sinking and block their shores with garbage? In the context of the movie, Sam Robards plays the father who brings RobotBoy home to his wife. He gets the prototype because he’s a loyal employee. Later on, once his real son is recovered, he’s terrified Robotboy will hurt him. Excuse me, don’t you work there? How about you fucking ask somebody in the employee lounge, genius?
PARLEY VOUS MY FOOT IN YOUR ASS?
Kiss of the Dragon opens at number four and this is some major league kick-ass fun. The plot isn’t worth getting into (Jet Li is a framed Chinese cop in France), but when the feet and the fists start flying, it’s all-good. I love Bridget Fonda and was delighted to see her here (I haven’t been this happy with a paring since Vanity appeared in The Last Dragon), but she’s essentially wasted as a yapping dog who follows Jet Li around while he kicks frog ass. Thankfully, they don’t have a romantic relationship (I like Jet Li, but he’s kinda ugly), but you know if it were reversed, a White Male Lead would have been knee-deep in Asian Female Lead booty. One refreshing thing about this movie is the total absence of wires. This is pure grounded butt-kicking. No one’s leaping or flying unless it’s under their own power and believe me, it still happens. If you’re unfamiliar with Hong Kong action movies and base all your fighting on The Matrix, then you’ve never seen someone truly fluid move. I loved The Matrix, but the actors were so stiff I thought I was watching the movie version of Rock ‘Em, Sock ‘Em Robots. Yes, Jackie Chan is good, but his scenes are all about fun. Like Bruce Lee thirty years ago, Jet Li’s scenes are all about the most creative way to damage a man’s larynx with your foot.
THE CURSE OF VANITY FAIR CONTINUES
The Fast & The Furious is down to number five and this sucker has crossed the $100M mark. Isn’t it scary to think that Paul Walker might be what an army of publicists tried to make Heath Ledger into? Hey, A Knight’s Tale didn’t make this much. And don’t get me started on Heath Ledger’s less-than-sculpted body and dangerously thin hairline, things that are not Paul Walker’s problem. Other scary thoughts: Vin Diesel and Michelle Rodriquez have hooked up in real life. Forget that he’s too old for her. This is some scary sex going on. I mean, I’d watch it on video, but only in a brightly-lit room surrounded by close friends. I’m sure it’s like something you see on the Discovery Channel: fascinating, yet frightening.
DUBIOUS HONORS
Not giving up the ghost just yet is Dr. Dolittle 2 at number six. At this rate, it may break the $100M mark just yet. Then again, so did Nutty Professor 2, but no one’s bragging about that.
I BLAMEA MYSELFA
Lara Croft: Tomb Raider is down to number seven and do you think Jon Voight actually likes Billy Bob Thornton or does he look at him the way Terrence Stamp looks at Peter Fonda, the man responsible for his daughter’s death in The Limey? “Yeah, you’re a dirtbag, but if I had done my job when she was younger, she wouldn’t know you, so it’s kinda my fault and I have to let it go.”
CHA-CHING! I’M IN LOVE!
Shrek is down to number eight, giving Eddie Murphy two films in the top ten, which is good, ‘cause if you’ve ever looked at his wife, you know she wouldn’t be there if he worked in a bakery.
I’LL GET YOU JEFFREY KATZENBERG!
Atlantis: The Lost Empire is down to number nine and I see Michael Eisener of Disney shaking his fist at Shrek like Snoopy at The Red Baron, screaming, “Just you wait till Monsters, Inc., comes out this fall!”
DON’T LET THE DOOR HIT YOU IN THE ASS
Finally, Baby Boy closes out the top ten at number ten. Good. Get the fuck out.
HONESTLY, ISN’T THIS WHAT WE ALL THINK GOES ON THERE?
Not entering the top ten is Lost & Delirious, the story of three girls at an all girls school, two of whom are in love. I thought about seeing it just to see if Piper Perabo could recover from the one-two punch of disasters that were The Adventures of Rocky & Bullwinkle and Coyote Ugly. Then I realized I’d seen All Over Me (teen lesbians in Hell’s Kitchen) and The Totally True Adventures of Two Girls in Love (self-explanatory) and realized I’m as tired of the “Hey, I’m gay,” homosexual coming of age film as I am its straight counterpart. Besides, if I’m watching something about teenage girl-on-girl loving set at private school, it had better have the words “Young” “Hot” or “Wet” in the title and require a separate budget for appliances and batteries.
THE EVIL THAT MEN DO LIVES ON AFTER THEY’RE GONE---AND REQUIRES CREAM CHEESE
While walking down Sixth Avenue the other day I realized that another landmark had perished up the oppressive thumb of Benito Gulliani. Boys and girls, Billy’s Topless is no more. In its place is a bagel joint. Sigh, now where are the saggy-boobed, tattooed women going to go?
WHY MUST CRIME BE SO…UGLY?
Is it just me, or are you waiting for the Law & Order episode based on the Robert Blake case? Especially now that the lawyer involved has hung himself? That’s the kind of fucked up ending they’d have that you’d swear was made up for shock value, but it’s all real, baby. Even more real is the fact that I still don’t care about any of it and it took a lawyer suicide to even pique my interest. I mean, Baretta was a long time ago and she was butt ugly. Where’s the glamour in this sordid mess?
ONE STEP FORWARD…
Sigh. In a dazzling display of maturity I sold my Playstation 2 online. I’m sorry, but I just couldn’t get over blowing almost $400 on a fucking toy. Not even buying my mother a DVD player for her birthday made me feel better about wasting this much money on myself. I’m going to take the money and invest it in a new computer. You know, something I can use (‘cause I damn sure ain’t saving it).
…201 STEPS BACK
In a dazzling display of immaturity, I’ve crossed the 200 mark in DVD’s with the purchases of Proof of Life (hey, Casablanca with explosions; I like that), Dogma Special Edition (even more footage of Salma Hayek’s perfect body almost nekked) and The Last Dragon. Yes, The Last Dragon. It was bad then, it’s worse now, but I still like it. Just to top things off, I got MonkeyBone (#201) to listen to the director bitch about how Chris Columbus (one of Spielberg’s evil progeny) fucked up his movie and continue my collection of Bridget Fonda movies.
BIGGIE, BIGGIE, BIGGIE, CAN’T YOU SEE…THAT GUY’S GOT A GUN!
Behind the Music with Biggie Smalls. You know, I’m sorry for his mother and his children, but who really gives a shit? Given that he was a former crack dealer, ask the mother of a crack user about her pain. Think she’s sorry he’s dead? And what was that crap about him needing the money to feed his daughter. You bring a child into this world that you can’t afford to feed and I’m supposed to understand that you had no choice but to deal drugs? And honestly, the LA Police actually said that the dirty cop mentioned in the show was suspected of being involved in the shooting, so it’s not as cut and dried as they led you to believe (and they totally left out that one of guys with Tupac was killed a year to the day after the Times Square shooting). But again, who cares? Next they’ll be doing a BTM on fucking Big Pun. To paraphrase Dennis Leary’s summation on Jim Morrison’s life, “I’m fat, I’m nobody. I’m fat, I’m famous. I’m fat, I’m dead.”
GURL, I DIT ‘IN KNOW YOU COULD GET DOWN LIKE THAT/CHARLIE, HOW YO’ ANGELS GET DOWN LIKE THAT…
I’m not sure if it’s good or bad yet, but Chasing Amy has officially moved into the city. See, her living outside the city is what kept us from crossing that drinking line. In effect, we had a curfew of sorts. Now that’s gone. I went to see her new digs bearing housewarming gifts of a trashcan and DVD porn and finally got to meet her girlfriend. We spent the next few hours hanging out, having dinner and trying to fix an auction I have on Ebay (cheap geek bastards are trying to lowball me). The girlfriend trusts me with Chasing Amy, which is a left handed compliment, because what she’s really saying is, “Your geek dick is no threat to me or my relationship, so thanks for the porn. I’ll make the most of it when you’re gone.” It’s like I concluded long ago: I’m Chasing Amy’s girlfriend on the side. Not just any girlfriend, that kind of sad girlfriend who’s so desperate for someone, she’ll take the scraps from another woman’s relationship. Chasing Amy stands me up, doesn’t call for two weeks afterwards and when she does it’s, “Hey, let’s go drinking.” And like the sad bitch I am, I go. Her girlfriend doesn’t mind because she doesn’t like to drink. This makes me that sad ho’ who does the dirty stuff the real girlfriend or wife won’t, so she’s tolerated. In short: I’m the girl who swallows and takes it in the ass. But things are going to change! I swear! I’m an independent woman! Man. Guy. Geek. Whatever.
AND THE VOTES ARE IN!
One good thing about hanging out with two women who are dating is that I got a final answer on the whole vibrator issue I was having. You know, do I throw it out once I’ve used it on a person? Our choices were
a) Keep it. She should trust that I washed it (thank you married woman with kids).
b) Buy a new one because it’s flattering to have it opened just for you (thank you married woman with just one kid).
c) Just rewrap it, ‘cause bitches are stupid (thank you, young married couple).
Of course, I also got a call from a horrified Latina who couldn’t believe I’d even own such a device. Hey, Latin men may be too macho to acknowledge their limitations, but here in the 21st Century we know our dicks alone can’t turn water into wine. In any case, the ladies settled it for me: keep it. Why throw out a perfectly good device? They suggested that I just give it a little presentation, like putting a ribbon on it to show that it was a special event, not that I just whip it out whenever.
BADA-BING!
On the flipside of things I was out drinking with a woman last week because I’m giving the blender a rest and trying to leave the apartment while the weather is nice. Besides, now that the summer is here, bars are emptier because all the annoying fuckers are in the Hamptons. Sorry, but if you’re leaving for the Island on the weekends, chances are you’re one of the assholes who spends the other nine months out of the year annoying the shit out of me, you worthless frat boy fuckers and sorority sluts. In any case, we began at 5:30 at the Cowgirl Hall of Fame and finished off at the bar of Chasing Amy’s Tattooed Waitress (whom she both loves and hates) on Houston around midnight. Things were fine until the alcohol caused her to reveal a little too much information. No, it wasn’t the tales of decadent teen partying in New Jersey. Please. Honey, take your drug and alcohol use, add rehab to it, not to mention excessive sex, and finish it off with a threeway on prom night where your boyfriend and his best friend had only anal sex with you and then, then you might impress me. Until then, just getting fucked up all the time doesn’t do it. Hell, you’re not even the most decadent person I’ve met from New Jersey, much less in my life! No, what she told me that put me off was much, much worse. She told me she was actually a redhead. “A natural redhead,” she said with a knowing smile. WHY, GOD, WHY!?! Granted, I’m an atheist bastard, but if you’re looking for a convert, proving me that there’s a Devil and he’s sending his daughters at me, is a weird way to do it. Since I was 16, my life has been a never-ending series of redheads who’s only goal in this life seemed to be to complicate mine (if not ending it outright---you know who you are). And the sad part about it is that she looks like a simple brunette. Next to this, finding out her father was the owner of a very successful waste disposal in New Jersey was nothing. Did I mention she was also Italian? Yes, Italian, waste disposal, New Jersey. I’m out drinking with fucking Meadow Sorprano. Well, not really. Only in that she’s a good girl trying to be badder than she really is (one good thing about having a family member in the Justice Department, is that it only takes just one phone call to find out there are, in fact, honest Italian waste disposal businesses in New Jersey and this is one of them and being Black I show know better about stereotypes). But this meant nothing next to the redhead thing. In fact, I’d found out about the family thing (not that kinda family, you bigoted bastards) much earlier in the evening. It was the hidden henna in her hair that made me realize I was missing a new episode of Farscape on the Sci-Fi Channel that night. I was so down after that, I paid for a cab from Houston all the way home, including dropping her off on the East Side. She thought her wild youth stories had put me off, but there was no way I could say to her, “No, it’s not your wild youth, because I’ve known much worse. It’s more the fact that you’re the scion of pure, fucking Auburn-haired evil and if I don’t get away you’ll kill me.” Sigh. So much for leaving the house. And I sold my damn Playstation too. Both of them.
A.F., ARTIFICIAL FILMMAKING
A.I., opens at number one and Speilberg has joined Oliver Stone and Spike Lee as directors whose work I will flat out no longer see. I’m tired of being whacked over the head with their heavy-handed ideas. It’s the same with all three (though Speilberg lacks their political and racial paranoia and misogyny): you’re too stupid to get this unless I beat you over the head with it or spoon-feed it to you. A.I., Artificial Intelligence, is no exception. It’s Pinocchio 2001 and Speilberg never lets you forget it for a second. This is the first film he’s written since ET and let me tell you, his writing style hasn’t improved with the layoff. Haley Joel Osmont is a robot boy prototype given to a family with a son in suspended animation with an incurable disease. Of course, once mom becomes attached to him, the real son is cured and comes home. In a refreshing change of pace, the real son acts like a real child: a nasty little shit. He sees the robot is a threat and sets out to get him. He succeeds all too well and mom puts the robot out (if she takes him back, he’ll be destroyed since he can’t be programmed to love anyone else), and he embarks on Pinocchio’s quest to find “The Blue Fairy” who will turn him into a real boy. I won’t ruin the ending for you, because Speilberg already took care of that. In fact, he gives you two lousy endings. The first makes sense and is depressing. The second makes no sense and is depressing and creepy in a serious Freudian way. In fact, rumor has it the reason Kubrick never actually did this movie is because he couldn’t think of an appropriate ending. That aside, I can’t begin to list the problems in this movie. First of all, Robot Boy is a prototype that the company actually searches for when he sets off on his quest. Excuse me, but in the here-and-now virtually everyone has a car or at least a third cousin who’s lo-jacked (should he violate his house arrest conditions), and you mean to tell me that in the future you’re not going to put a homing device in your fucking one-of-a-kind prototype!?! Jude Law shows up a sex robot that accompanies Robot Boy on his travels. Needless to say, anything having to do with sex between adults is wasted in a Speilberg movie and Jude Law is no exception. And the raison detre of the film, his need to be real for mom’s love ultimately rings false because it’s just a program he’s following. It could be anyone, any woman, anywhere and he would still act the same way. Much more interesting would have been to have him reprogrammed and still love his original mother, but that’s just me.
FAST CARS AND FASTER GIRLS IS THE SEQUEL
The Fast & The Furious is down to number two, dropping 50%, but given that, even with marketing costs factored in, its total cost in only about $50M, with no participation from the actors (who’s got the clout to demand it?), it’s gonna make money. One thing I noticed about the movie is that, for every loving shot of hot car (and there are hundreds), there’s an equally loving shot of a hot girl. And not just any girl, mind you, but those slutty types we all know and love; the kind of girl who will fuck you just for having a nice car. The kind of girl (sniff) that keeps America great.
AND EDDIE MURPHY AS THE RED CAR TRANSFORMER!
Dr. Dolittle 2 is down to number three and must I be the first to point out that Eddie Murphy is damn near 40? He’s not the hot young kid any more. The ass kicking this is getting from The Fast & The Furious is proof that moving into the family entertainment world was his smartest move, but it still may not be enough. Pretty soon, all he’ll be doing is animated movies. I, for one, will not miss him. In my mind, he’s made three good movies over twenty years: 48 Hours, Trading Places and Bowfinger. And his stand-up was so goddamn weak, I can’t believe he ever made a living at it.
NO MORE POI FOR YOU, TIA. ANGELINA, HAVE ANOTHER TWO BOWLS.
Lara Croft: Tomb Raider is down to number four, dropping yet another 50% and Angelina Jolie keeps talking about the sequel. Someone let this poor girl see the books. A $100M outlay, is not offset by a $101M return. Overseas had better kick butt for this to make money. Do you know how bad this movie is? It’s so bad it makes Relic Hunter---that lame TV in syndication (which was just renewed for a third season, by the way)---look good. Tia Carrere not only kicks more butt, but she actually possesses one…and it’s getting bigger with every passing year, showing the difference between being Asian and being a South Sea Islander. A huge ass will never be Lucy Liu’s problem.
OKAY, GOD. DOUBLE OR NOTHING ON THE CUBS!
Baby Boy opens at number five and did I leave John Singleton off my list of directors I hate. Well, I hate him too. Did the world need another fucking hood movie? Hell, I hated Boyz N’ The Hood. It was pretentious, preachy shit and the only reason so many critics loved it is because of fucking liberal guilt. “Ooh, look at the wonderful job the little Negro did in showing us other Negroes…Um, we don’t live near them, do we?” Boyz N’ Hood sucked, Poetic Justice sucked and the only other film I saw from him was Shaft, which Samuel Jackson and Jeffrey Wright carried on their backs. I won’t watch this shit even when it comes on cable. Ugly, stupid and talent free. Man, did his mother ever lose a bet with god.
SHORT ATTENTION SPAN THEATER
Atlantis: The Lost Empire is down to number six, followed by Shrek at number seven. Apparently, the kids are tired of the latter and never warmed to the former. Where’s Cats & Dogs?
NO, IT’S NOT MAD LOVE II: BETTER LOOKING MALE LEAD
Crazy/Beautiful opens at number eight and I much preferred the original title, The Edge of Seventeen. That way they could’ve used the Stevie Nicks’s song, which is sampled in Destiny’s Child’s “Bootylicious.” I have to say, Kirstin Dunst makes an effortless transformation from perky, all-American girl, to wonderful skank who doesn’t seem to own a bra (she originally had a nude scene, but mom didn’t like it). Then again, she started her career as the nasty little girl vampire in Interview With A Vampire, so this may be closer to her than all the nice girls she’s played. In an attempt to do a twist on the old Romeo & Juliet formula, this movie makes the rich girl the negative influence on the nice poor boy’s life. Unfortunately this has also become a cliché over the years and has taken on no new life here (how many self-destructive rich girl meets stable, working class guy movies have you seen). And what’s with the limited release of her last two movies? With the $80M gross of Bring It On, you’d think they studios would have a little more confidence in her. I’m quite sure both this and Get Over It would have done much better had its target audience (which had nothing new for them this week) been able to find it. Jay Hernandez is beginning a long tradition for Kirsten Dunst, I fear, of leading men who are better looking than she is. I mean, she’s not ugly, but that weird dental work ain’t winning me over.
MAYBE MATT DAMON IS THE SMART ONE
Pearl Harbor is down to number nine and now the fact that Josh Harnett and Kate Beckinsale actually got paid upfront rather than backend like Ben Affleck, now seems to have been a lucky break on their parts.
HALLE’S BERRYS
Finally, not even Halle Berry’s breasts (seen here) can save Swordfish from its own mediocrity, and it closes out the top ten at number ten. Still, I will have my DVD copy to freeze frame to my sad little geek heart’s content. Now, she’s been saying she’s ready to do more nudity. Well, you know what? I’m ready to keep paying to see it. Yes, I know. It’s very sad on both our parts.
MONKEY SEE, MONKEY CRAP ALL OVER THE BIG SCREEN
Not breaking the top ten is Pootie Tang. Listen, I know you were on Saturday Night Live, Chris, but does that mean you have to follow their formula of taking every lame sketch character and building a movie around them?
NURSING SCHOOL NEVER PREPARED HER FOR THIS
This is late this week due the fact that I was in Georgia until Monday morning. I had to go home for my uncle’s funeral. Don’t cry from me, Argentina. He lasted a lot longer than we expected (cancer) and by the end it was almost a release. Sadly, my strongest memories of my uncle were visiting him in prison. I saw him when I was home and meant to stop by and see him, but never got around to it and we know what happens when you say “I’ll catch you next time.” Still, because it’s real life, every tragedy is accompanied by unintentional comedy. First of all there’s my dad’s loser friend from work. For whatever reasons, he’s latched on my family and came to the funeral. He’s not a bad guy, but his attempts to chat me up were annoying and I couldn’t look at him for fear he’d read the contempt in my eyes when he was only trying to be nice. I felt much better when my mom later questioned the suit he was wearing. I’m sure that when it was new in 1987, it wasn’t nearly as ugly. Then came the actual journey to the funeral home. My surviving uncle didn’t know the way and was supposed to follow my dad. Before we knew it, he went down the wrong street and we’re now involved in a chase through the streets of Birmingham, Alabama to catch not just my uncle, but my sisters, who were following him in turn. The funeral was your typical sad event, once again taking place in the Lutheran church where I went to private school for two years. That’s right, private Christian school in Alabama. I think I’m now totally justified in any fucked-up issues I have. Hell, you’re lucky I’m not on a rooftop with a rifle. Now, in the 34 years since I was born, I know they added air conditioning, but for some reason it was not on, thus giving me the full experience of a funeral in Alabama in the summer. Hot as hell with lots of useless preaching. During this, my baby sister and I whispered our own funeral plans to each other: cremation and no church. Eventually, the preacher ran out of ways to tell us Jesus was the way and had to let us go. It was during the final words over my uncle’s coffin where the most absurd moment occurred. My uncle by marriage, who’s 85, felt the overwhelming need to point out my late uncle’s nurse to my actual uncle. “Hey, hey, see that white girl over there? That was his nurse.” Apparently, it never occurred to him that my family might have actually met the woman nurse who took care of my uncle during his ordeal with cancer. It gets funnier. One of my other relatives, who’s 70 and dyeing his hair black (though hopefully not the long black ones growing out of his nose), was hitting on the nurse in the church earlier. This poor woman. Things then took a turn in the funny/weird direction when my mom suddenly started telling me of her funeral plans in limo. Both my parents also want cremation. I didn’t want to hear it, but it was obviously something she felt she needed to say. After all, my main reason for coming home was for her. It was her brother. After that my grandmother seriously lightened things up with her new habit of not censoring her thoughts. I think that once you reach 70, that little person inside your head who prevents you from saying everything on your mind, takes retirement. That or my grandmother simply outlived him. Either way, she’s entertaining to be around. Needless to say, she was the first to bring up my single status, but it didn’t stop after that and for whatever reasons, my family has fixated on Nice Jewish Doctor Girl, of whom I’ve apparently spoken too much. To make matters worse, I actually had a picture of her and they approved. This is not good. Where’s the racism and religious bigotry when you need it. Damn baby boomer liberals. I didn’t help matters by spending the evening playing with my baby cousins, Ryan (10 months) and Cameron (4 years). Don’t be single and good with kids in front of your family, especially after a funeral. They’re looking for replacements. Finally, because I never stay in Alabama overnight, I drove my dad, my uncle and my dad’s loser friend home that night. Also, they’d been drinking, which means it was two hours of drunk, middle-aged men discussing and debating life, which somehow involved the repeated use of the words “pussy” “bitch” and “nigga.” What makes it weird is that they were mostly discussing politics, post-natal depression and cancer research. I’m not kidding.
I’M LEAVING/A FAT-ASSED BASTARD FROM GEORGIA
Because I was home, that means working out was nonexistent and eating like a pig was in. I was giddy with the price differences. With just $15, I walked out of a grocery store with three six-packs of soda, a quart of ice cream, a dozen doughnuts (Krispy Kreme is from the south), three bags of muffin mix, chips and half a gallon of milk. It’s not my fault! It was the savings that lured me. And my family was no help. The first night home it was fried chicken. Next morning, mom made eggs, grits and biscuits. Ham and greens in the church after the funeral and then mom made ribs, chicken, greens, baked beans, cornbread and cherry cobbler. I had to roll onto the plane.
PUT THE GOOBERS DOWN AND BACK AWAY WITH YOUR HANDS UP!
Also experienced at home was the local theater, which has taken a turn for the worse. Maybe I’m wrong. Maybe all theaters in Georgia now have security guards with 9mm pistols walking around. And maybe the sheriff’s department shows up at the end of the night at all of them. Maybe this happens all the time, but I doubt it.
UH, DETECTIVE, ABOUT THE DECAPATION…
Lots of television was on the agenda because I only have one friend left in Georgia to visit. My mom’s a TV junkie, so I saw my first episode of Witchblade because of her. It’s a dumb as the movie was. In case you don’t know, it’s based on a comic book about women who are possessed by an ancient weapon called (guess) the Witchblade, which covers them in armor. In the comic book, however, it’s a skintight, breast-enhancing armor, but in the TV show, she only gets the glove---and a sword. My problem is, at the end of every episode, she kills numerous bad guys with the Witchblade, but no one questions why a cop is killing these people with a sword. Don’t you think it would come up? A gun, sure. A sword? Internal Affairs just might be calling the next day.
ACTUALLY, I’M READY FOR THIS JELLY
In watching the Making The Video with Jennifer Lopez I was reminded of the power of illusion. Now, I’ve no doubt that the Jennifer Lopez I see onscreen is the result of hair stylists, makeup artists, cinematographers, wardrobe and lighting, but damn if it don’t look good and I’m not a Jennifer Lopez fan. That’s sure as hell what you won’t be waking up with in the morning, but going to bed with it is good enough for me. Over thirty, Latin and her stomach is still hard. Do you know how difficult that is? Look at Mariah Carey’s sad and pathetic new video and see. The song I can take or leave. It’s a retread of that other one where she’s running around The Bronx, only with a sample of the 80’s classic “Computer Games” by the Yellow Magic Orchestra. And who was in the Yellow Magic Orchestra? Ryuchi Sakamoto. My favorite part of the video (aside from Jennifer Lopez’s stomach and low-riding jeans) was the obvious focus on her new boyfriend. Close-up after close-up of just him and none of the other dancers. I’m sure that wasn’t a result of her and a few words to the director. Hell, he’s a damn sight better looking than Puffy. Then again, I’m a damn sight better looking than Puffy, so any step was a step up.
EASE THE PAIN
I’m home now. Man, did I ever miss my blender. I won’t drink in front of my parents. Sorry, but I do get weird at home. Once, a girl I brought home wanted to have sex in my old bed while everyone was out. I don’t think so. Georgia is a sex-free zone for me (like Clinton, I don’t think going down on my high school crush a few years ago, counts) and I mean to keep it that way. No sin where my mom lives.